The Flirt

by a guy with many hats

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 4642

The only human in Equestria has an awkward time in a bar. Mostly due to the massive language barrier.

The only human in Equestria has an awkward time in a bar. Mostly due to the massive language barrier.

Published 2014-03-21 01:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-01 19:32:07 UTC

*Sexy Noise*

Author's Note

Based on real life events.

*Sexy Noise*

I sat at the bar, nursing my drink as ponies came and went. The sound of their native language heavy in the air.

I just kept to myself and enjoyed the heavy taste of apples mixed in with my drink. If there was one thing these ponies knew, it was how to get drunk on apples. That's not to say they're not good at other things, but getting hammered was one of my only joys since I got here.

A lot of things have been crazy since I got here, yet somehow it all gets sorted out in the end.

Something about a group of six ponies, and something about magical friends or something. It struck me as bollocks, but who am I to argue.

Even my being here was sorted out rather quickly. One day I'm plopped down in a world of sentient ponies, the next I'm helping some purple pony with translations. But she was nice enough to make a translator for me. That kindness was short lived however, since I was slammed into a wall by her blue friend, and I've been too busy to get it fixed.

It hasn't hindered me too badly. These pony's body language is much more expressive than their actual language, which is difficult, to make out.

"Eeeerh." a shrill voiced pony squealed into my ear, slamming a mug down on the counter next to me. "Eurh!?" I nodded stupidly and turned back to my drink, letting the obviously drunk pony go back to her drink. "Eeheeeh." She turned to her friend and started whinnying incoherently.

From what I gathered, the ponies could understand me, and they were even speaking the same language, it just came out in an incompatible noise for me. I really needed to get the translator fixed, these horse noises were giving me flashbacks of Nebraska.

I was thankful considering my life before hand was kinda drab, but the lack of communication and the constant shrill cries were taking their toll on my mental state. But again, I couldn't complain too much. I had a house, I had a pseudo job, and I had friends.

Friends that I couldn't understand right now, but still. I enjoyed my new life. It wasn't exactly the same, or quiet as normal, but that came with bonuses of their own. For all the complaining I could ever do, there was a plus to counteract each one.

I got meat from flying lion eagle people, I got water and friendship from the ponies. They're great at massages too.

Life was good. Never will things be the same, but they're still good. Even when a dragon comes and lights my ass on fire, it'll still be better than getting hit by a car.

A loud tapping grew slightly closer as I finished my drink and tried to ask for more. After some whining and some hand gestures the bartender refilled my drink. I went back to drinking. I felt something tug my jacket, quickly telling me who it was.

"Ehuuf, eer hure" I recognized the tone. Rarity quickly occupied the space next to me. I felt the electric tingle of her magic tug on my jacket once again and straighten out a seam.

I let out a long sigh and turned back to my drink. "Rarity...how are you?"

Rarity smiled and tipped her chin up. "Heur, ererer-er!"

"That's good." I replied, not having a clue what she said. I turned away from her and flagged down the bartender. I did my best to discretely order a drink for Rarity, managing to get her something nice without blowing my secret.

"Eee hwu." she answered happily. She daintily sipped her drink, leaving me to get pleasantly plastered.

I spotted a duo of ponies walk past, resting on the counter next to me and talking. "Reeehphu, huuf."

Rarity swung around her seat. "Ree hurr phu, aereee!"

I stared in horror at my drink as the pony noises grew louder and more aggressive.

I could hear one of the other ponies laughing in their pony way. "Eeeeeer-eeh-heh--"

"Shut up!" I screamed, knocking my drink off the counter. "Shut up shut up shut the fuck up!"

The room grew quiet as I stared down the startled pony. "Hu-u-uf, eerh. Ree-huff." the offending ponies wandered off, leaving me to order another drink and try to relax.

Rarity twirled a curl of her mane around her hoof. "Hwuu-fuuh." she stared at me without even a hint of subtly as I slung another drink back. "Heer-uuhf...eee-eh, snoo-uf."

"Yep." I mumbled as I laid my leaned against the bar counter. I'm not sure who I yelled at, but apparently Rarity was happy, but all it meant for me was now somepony was gonna start snubbing me.

I felt something press against my side as I stared into my empty mug. I didn't bother turning, instead letting out a long sigh. Whatever I did, I probably shouldn't have done it.

Finally turning, I found Rarity with her hooves curled around my right arm. She fluttered her eyes open and spoke. "Eeer-eeer-eeerh." I didn't answer. I just went back to my drink and finished it off. "Huuur, eeeeh-eh?"

I made a few confused hand gestures before leaning back in my chair. "What?"

"Phu, er-er-eeeeer." her voice was slow, but extremely shrill. I looked around as the bar grew silent, half the ponies staring at me, and the other half pretending not to.

I shook my head and clutched my face. "That's probably the most erotic thing I've ever heard." and I have no idea what it was.

She gave me a half lidded gaze and bit her lip. "Huuu-urrr...."

I stared blankly at her and stood up. "I'm gonna...go home...."

Rarity's expression went dumb. "Huuf- errrr erhu?!"

"...Yes?" I said, unconvinced of what I meant. "Look...I'm gonna go...take a shower or something." I ran out before anypony could start whining at me. I've been hit on by ponies before, but something about hearing them in their natural voices made me extremely uncomfortable.

Today had been a strange, horribly awkward, day. Just like every other day.

*Beep*

*Beep*

"I can't believe he would do that!" Rarity stomped angrily towards the one person who could find him, Twilight. "How utterly rude! I'm pouring my heart out in public and that- that- euurgh!" Rarity let out an angry groan. "The nerve of him, the absolute nerve!"

Rarity's tail flicked angrily as she spotted the library and charged over, knocking a pony out of the way as she ran. "Hey, watch it!" they yelled, dusting off their dirtied body.

Rarity snapped around with a wild look in her eyes. "Not in the mood!" Rarity screamed as she turned back to her target. She bolted towards the library door and slammed her flank into it. The door remained closed as Rarity grew more enraged. "Open this door this instant! Twilight!?" Rarity ran around and over to a window. She spotted the human talking to Twilight, screaming even, but was unable to hear what was being said.

Rarity paced around as she contemplated kicking the door down. But before her rage could get the better of her she decided to try a more basic approach. In moments she flared up her horn and tried to unlock the door from the inside. After a few attempts she managed to unlock the door. She took a moment, collected herself, and kicked the door open. "You!" she screamed as the occupants recoiled away from the door.

Rarity bowled over Twilight and started poking the human in the chest a few times. "Scoundrel, fool, ass, plebeian!" she poked and prodded the human until he slammed into a bookcase, causing a large tome to come down on his head.

A series of high pitched beeps rang out as the books settled on the ground. ".-- .... .- - / - .... . / ..-. ..- -.-. -.-!?" The beeps were frantic, and Rarity was barely able to differentiate them from one another. "--. --- -.. / -.. .- -- -.!" the human pushed Rarity away and started beeping wildly. "..-. ..- -.-. -.- .. -. --. / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- . .-. / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- .. - -.--!!!" he stomped around as he beeped, making not only Rarity, but the nearly KO'd Twilight jump back in surprise.

"Rarity, what the hay!?" Twilight asked as she pulled her away from the livid human. "Why did you do that?!"

Rarity watched as the human continued to have his tantrum. "He left me Twilight, without even a goodbye! Just something about a shower.... And after I- I...um...Darling, may I?" Rarity leaned into Twilight's ear and spoke softly.

Twilight grew a bit red as her eyes popped wide open. "Rarity! That's so--"

"Darling please...a lady has needs you know." Rarity answered with a steely demeanor.

Twilight tried to rid herself of the burning sensation in her face and stepped back, ears flicking against her head as her body tried to rid itself of Rarity's words. "S-still.... And Rarity, did he tell you he couldn't understand you?"

Rarity perked up. "I'm sorry?"

Twilight levitated the human's earpiece over and showed it to her. "He said Rainbow Dash broke it."

Rarity grew slightly pink as she realized how vastly she had over reacted. "Oh dear...so the whole time he- oh my...." she peered nervously to the human as he finished up his angry beeping. "Well, what's wrong with him now?"

"..-. ..- -.-. -.- / -.-- --- ..-!" the human beeped at Rarity as he charged over. "... . .-. .. --- ..- ... .-.. -.-- --..-- / - .... . / .... . .-.. .-..?!"

Twilight ground the tip of her hoof into the floor. "That was kind of my fault." she grew bashful as Rarity stared her dead on. "I thought I got the spell right but--"

"... .... . / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- . -.. / .. - / ..- .--.!" the human stomped between his beeps.

Rarity looked nervously between the two. Twilight lowered her head and stared up at the human. "Sorry...I thought I could fix you."

The human's expression grew dark for a moment, quickly fading to a soft gaze as his posture relaxed. ".. - .----. ... / .... .- .-. -.. / - --- / -... . / -- .- -.. / .- - / -.-- --- ..-" he reached down and gave Twilight a quick hug.

Rarity let out a soft sigh as things calmed down. "So you can understand me now?"

"-.-- . .- ...." the human beeped slowly.

The ponies looked around before staring at each other. "What does that mean?"

Twilight peered backwards, lost in thought. "I don't know...he's been beeping since I cast the spell."

Rarity pursed her lips and took a step towards the human. "Well...since I asked this all before.... I...um...well first off it was very kind of you to tell those ponies off."

".- -.-. - ..- .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / .. / .-- .- ... / .--- ..- ... - / . -. .-. .- --. . -.. --..-- / -... ..- - / --. --- / --- -." human beeped lazily.

Rarity nodded lazily. "Alright...so...would you...care to spend the night, with me?"

Twilight flicked her ears. "That's not what you--"

"Darling, please...the moment's passed, this calls for a bit of reservation."

Twilight rolled her eyes and started walking away. "Whatever, I'm gonna try and figure this out." she walked off, levitating a few books with her as she left.

"Hey Twilight what's--" Spike stopped dead as he spotted Rarity. "Uh, Rarity-" he lazily leaned against a bookshelf. "-how ya doing?"

Human stared at the tiny dragon striking a pose. ".... .- --..-- / .... . / .-- .- -. - ... / - --- / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- / -.-- --- ..- / .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / -... .- -.." beeping with a smile as he pointed at Spike.

Rarity nodded. "Spike dear can this wait, and yes human, beep beep beep. Now please, a moment alone?"

Spike slumped forward and fell onto his face and started squirming away. "I'll just go...help clean up."

Human stared as the purple dragon sulked off. "-.-- --- ..- / . ...- . .-. / - .... .. -. -.- / .- -... --- ..- - / .--- ..- ... - / --. .. ...- .. -. --. / .... .. -- / .- / .... --- .-. -. / .--- --- -...?"

"Darling please, I can't understand a word you're saying. You can still nod, so...an answer?" Rarity asked with a wide gritted smile, pleading for his approval.

"- .... .. ... / .. ... / ..-. --- .-. / ... . -..- / .. ... -. .----. - / .. -?" human asked as he crossed his arms. "-... . -.-. .- ..- ... . --..-- / .. / -.- .. -. -.. / --- ..-. / .... .- ...- . / .- / - .... .. -. --. / .-- .. - .... / -.. .- ... ...."

Rarity let out a long huff. "Please dear a simple yes or no would be lovely."

Human tried to look away. "..- .... --..-- / --- -.- .- -.--" he shook his head briskly from left to right.

Rarity felt like she'd just had her horn ripped off as he repeated the gesture. "But darling I thought--" she bit back tears as her over dramatic nature forced its way to the surface once more. She let out a long wail as human stepped back.

".... --- .-- / -.. .. -.. / -.-- --- ..- / - .... .. -. -.- / .. / -... .-. --- -.- . / - .... .- - / ... - ..- .--. .. -.. / - .... .. -. --. / .. -. / - .... . / ..-. .. .-. ... - / .--. .-.. .- -.-. .?" human rubbed the back of his neck. "... .... . .----. ... / .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / .-. --- ..- --. ...."

"Stop, just stop!" Rarity cried as she tried to walk out the door. "No words, no tears Rarity...."

Human just stood back with a concerned expression on his face. "... .... --- ..- .-.. -.. / .. / -.-. .- .-.. .-.. / ... --- -- . --- -. .?"

Before she could muster the words she lost her composure, crying like a diva and running out the door.

"I've got it!" Twilight ran back into the main room. "Uh- where's Rarity?"

"Human made her run away!" Spike screamed into Twilight's ear, making her shoot off prematurely and send a bolt of pure magic bouncing around the room.

Taking the hit, Twilight flopped onto the floor as the magic pulsed through her body. Human and Spike ran over and helped her up. ".... --- .-.. -.-- / ... .... .. - --..-- / .- .-. . / -.-- --- ..- / --- -.- .- -.--!?"

Twilight understood his words and beamed happily. "Da! Ya znal, chto mogu eto sdelat'!" she stopped as she froze as she finished speaking. "Chto ya tol'ko chto skazal?"

Human deadpanned and sat on a nearby table. "-.-- --- ..- .----. .-. . / - . .-. .-. .. -... .-.. . / .- - / - .... .. ...!"

Spike looked between the two and went to cut in. "Jullie klinken dom!" his laugh trailing off as he realized his voice was no longer his own.

Twilight stared at Spike as he continued to panic. "Ya mogu ponyat' eto , prosto zhdat'!" she ran off, pulling even more books from the shelves. Spike, grabbing his tongue, quickly ran after her.

Human lingered for a bit before walking out and towards the bar. Times like this you just need to drink the time away.

Author's Note

Translator. NOTE IT WILL SPOIL THE IMAGINATIVE QUALITY.

*Buzz*

*Buzz*

"Eto budet- work. Ha!" Twilight jumped back as her horn dimmed. "I told you I could do it!"

"- .... .- - .----. ... / --. .-. . .- - / -. --- .-- / -.-- .- / -- .. -. -.. / -.. --- .. -. --. / -- .?" I asked as I took a step back, my voice still just as grating.

"What- oh never mind." Twilight lowered her head and shot me with a pulse of magic. "Did it work?"

"I don't know-- oh hey, and even without the translator!" I rubbed my ear and took a deep breath. "So...now what?"

Twilight was interrupted mid swing as she did a victory dance. "Wha--" she stumbled a little, catching herself on a table. "Ow. What?"

I rubbed my forehead and leaned back. "Do I just leave or is there something else?"

Sparkle let out a surprised yelp and ran off. "Wait, just wait, I figured it out!"

Meanwhile Spike strolled in. "Watskeburt?"

I just stared at him for a while, eventually shrugging. "You forgot about Spike." I yelled blankly into the room Twilight had vanished into. Before I could turn away another bright flash zoomed past me and burst over Spike. He buzzed a little as the magic ran through him.

Eventually the magic fizzled and Spike was left face down on the floor. "Wha happen?" he looked around, rubbing his head. "Aw...." He groaned softly as he picked himself up and wandered off.

I felt slightly sympathetic for the little guy. Not only did his crush try to get in bed with me, but he just lost the ability to speak another language in seconds.

"Wait, wait, I got it wait!" Sparkle continued to yell as she bolted towards me. I got into a braced position and waited for her. As I expected she was unable to stop herself and skidded into my arms. I swung her around to bleed off the momentum and set her down. "Whoa, thanks human."

"Still not my name, but you're welcome. So what's up?"

Sparkle's book finally caught up with her. "This." she opened the book and held it for me. Pictures of Roman helmets and a door littered the page. "That's you, see." she poked the Roman helmet with the tip of her hoof. "And that's...in Canterlot!" she jabbed the door with her hoof fervently. "I can send you home!"

I moved the book away. "But that's not even how I got here, I was just sitting at home then poof, I'm here. How will going through a door work!?"

Sparkle froze. "I...I don't know. But we have to try, right?"

I let out a long sigh and stood upright. "I'm skeptical, but will meet you at the train station." I walked out of the library and towards my house. The walk went by quietly, no pony noises, no birds, just silence. It was rapture.

I walked into my house, packed the few things I cared about and walked calmly to the train station. I was met by a vehament blue Pegasus and of course Sparkle. "Human, what the hay!?" Rainbow Dash bolted over and hoovered angrily infront of me. "You're leaving!?"

I covered my mouth and let out a rough cough. "She's making me." I pointed to Twilight to absolve myself.

Dash quickly whipped her head around, smacking me in the face with her mane as she flew over and started arguing with Twilight. She quickly backed up as Rainbow Dash bickered at her. I let them hash it out as I got onto the train and found a seat. I felt a bit nervous as the two ponies found me and joined me. Rainbow took the seat next to me and Sparkle took the seat in front of us. They bickered back and forth as I sat back and relaxed.

I felt my stomach knot up as the train lurched forward. My arrival months ago had left a lasting impact on the princess and the prospect of seeing her was making me slightly sick. "Why does he have to go!?" Rainbow's voice brought me back into reality.

Sparkle folded her ears back and sand behind her chair. "I just...I thought it'd be the right thing to do."

Rainbow pursued her and hung her forelegs over Sparkle's chair. "Well what about--" I stopped her, picking her up and plopping her down next to me.

"Leave the nerd alone...."

Rainbow's face went bitter as she looked at me. "But I--"

"No."

"Bu--"

"No."

"St--"

"Nope." I shut her down repeatedly.

Rainbow folder her forelegs and let her stiff body fall onto my and lay against me. "Not fair."

I hooked my arm around her and pulled her against me. "I know...tell me all about how unfair this is."

Dash snuggled against me and relaxed. "You're not funny."

Things got quiet once again as the train chugged on. Our little trio arrived quickly and started off towards the castle. We were let past the guards without any problems as Sparkle lead the way. We took a few turns and eventually ended up in a black brick catacomb.

I spotted a bright white butt as I was dragged towards an antechamber. I didn't say a word as I lagged behind the group.

"Human." Celestia's soft voice rattled the walls. "How are you?"

I took a deep breath and walked into the bright room. "Alright, you don't sound like a horse anymore."

"Eeeru, phu-phu-phuu uff?" she asked with a turn of her head.

I just glared at her with as menacing a stare as I could muster. "That's not funny."

Celestia covered her mouth with a hoof as she giggled. "What was it you called me? A huge white horse with sun pasties on her butt?"

I continued to glare. "Sparkle...I'm ready to go home now."

Twilight nodded and trotted into the center of the room. She pointed her horn down the hall and took her time charging up a spell. Once ready she shot it down the corridor, slamming into some unseen wall at the back. A bright white light flooded the room, followed by a simple wood framed door popping up at the entrance to the hall. "Alright...that should be it."

I walked over to the door and looked it up and down. I turned to the ponies for a tick. Celestia was smiling happily, as was Sparkle. But Rainbow was a bit somber, trying her best not to show it.

I decided to get it over with and pulled the door open and walked inside. I went blind for a mere moment before coming face to face with thirty odd glowing eyes. I froze as my eyes adjusted.

The eyes became faces, the faces attached to brutal looking men in gray military uniforms. A horrific noise filled my ears. "!&$%@#!?" it sounded like high pitched static and rattled my mind as it filled my ears. Another horridly loud noise rattled my bones, it sounded like dial up and started to immediately drive me insane. "*********!"

The noise grew louder and louder as the bright blue lights grew closer. In a panic I bolted back through the doors, rolling back into the black brick room and startling the ponies. "Fuck that shit!" I scrambled to my feet and looked around. I found a loose brick and yanked it from the wall, promptly bashing the wood frame door into splinters. "Fuck- you- son- of- a- bitch!" I crushed the door until it was no more and took a step back, panting and a bit dreary from the sudden surge of adrenalin.

I was quickly flanked by Rainbow Dash. "What happened!?"

I stared at my handiwork and dropped the brick. "I-uh...couldn't stand the thought of leaving you." I answered with a slight pant.

Rainbow Dash lit up. She let out a tomboyish squeal as she wrapped herself around my waist. She snuggled up against my side and let out a pleased hum. I held my arm around her and ran my hand through her mane. "So...drinks?" I asked everyone in the room. "Celestia, Twilight, drinks?"

The two ponies just stared at me. "Uh...I don't...okay...." Twilight wandered off.

"Dash go follow her." I tapped her head until she flew off, shaking her flank as she walked out.

Alone with Celestia I looked back at the door. "So...what really happened?" Celestia asked as I walked with her towards the exit.

"Uh...." My mind flashed back to the bleary hell, the noise, the glow. "I don't know...but...yeah...smashing was the right answer."

Celestia let out a short laugh. "Human, smashing isn't always the answer you know."

I nodded and rubbed my nose. "Yeah...but trust me, it was the right one this time. Now, let's see if I can out drink the princess of the sun."

Author's Note

I forgot to say: Remember to fav and follow if you want more.

So...I made this for yall just so I could remind you.

So...yeah...remember to follow for more! *Confetti*

(900 prize update!)

Author's Note

900 upvotes! Fucking cause for celebration...and a small joke.

(900 prize update!)

Human sat at the bar, slamming drink after drink with his friends. "Idufukinnowthefucumen!" he mumbled incoherently as Rainbow Dash tried to steady herself on the counter.

Twilight was almost knocked out after the seconds round and was failing fast. "I don't...I don't...I--" she let out a loud hiccup. "Idont thinkishouldanymore...." she tipped off her chair and fell to the floor.

"Auuuugh fuk!" Human screamed as he tried to help the downed mare. "Nuuuuh, m-'are dun, 'are doown!" he found himself trapped as Rainbow Dash latched onto his side. "No, gottagoshelpthededones!"

Rainbow Dash started her sqeaky laugh as she wrapped herslef around Human. "Ushsundfuilikeastupd!"

Human lost all composure and yelled incoherently. "Ieh-er ragga fushi kuf ah!"

Rainbow answered shot for shot. "Nuh, ush-a reggi nao emire ashal!"

Human leaned against the counter, knocking over a trio of drinks. Celestia felt a splash of cold vodka on her coat and went into a tizzy. "Excush me! I'm gonna get the thing as the other thing in the ponies!" she took a long pause after speaking and started laughing. "Wah I shay?"

Human and Dash stared at the intoxicated royal. "Eh 'ome! Er dunk!" Human mumbled as he continued to try and free himself from the Rainbow maned drunk. "Ifukinfuckinfukyaenthafucker!" Human gave up and laid across the counter. "Ahfuk...ishdunktoo." he let out a terrible moan as he felt himself lean back and fall to the floor.

Celestia's hooves graced his vision as he squirmed on the floor. "Shay u loooves me and I...I...sleep...." Celestia fell to her knees and leaned her head against Human's. "Shay it...shay it...shay.......it...."

Human grumbled loudly as he buried his face into Twilight's flank. "Imsafukinwanerauhgh." Human squirmed a little more before succumbing to his liquor and passing out.

MUCH LATER

Human woke up with a warm sensation surrounding his bare flesh. He gave a single look around his bleary surroundings and sat upright. He quickly found himself amongst a pile of ponies along with everypony from last night and a few others he didn't recognize. "Where am I...and where's my shirt?"

Another look around gave his shirt a location, along with even more questions. "Anybody...why's there a goat in here?"

The goat lazily chewed on Human's shirt as it stared blankly at him. "Maaaah."

Human glared at the goat for a few moments before retorting. "Pheeww...eer-eer-eer-whur-ur-ur-ur." The goat gave a lazy nod and stopped chewing on Human's shirt. When handed his now eviscerated shirt he laid back into the pile of ponies. "Great...thanks." He grumbled lazily as he snuggled against somepony's flank. "I need to drink less."