Mr. Howtobasic goes to Equestria.

by Ssendam the Masked

Rating: teen
Tags: Discord, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Spike, Comedy, Random
Length: 1829

Mr. Howtobasic teleports to Equestria and smashes eggs a lot.

Mr Howtobasic doesn't understand. One moment, he was teaching people how to do things in the correct manner, and the next, he's here in Equestria. Well, at least there are eggs around.

Published 2014-03-21 22:50:10 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-21 22:50:10 UTC

How to go to Equestria.

How to drive a car with a baby on board.

Mr Howtobasic walked to the car, and picked up his egg. He threw it at the car, where it smashed, spilling its yolky goodness. The breeze played around his bare legs, and he picked up his keys. Before he put it into his car, though, it needed to be lubricated.

Smashing an egg at his feet, he was teleported to his bathroom. Splashing his keys in the water, he then picked up the baby doll. A picture of Jesus frowned at him and growled, so he knew what to do. He walked over, and ran a finger over Jesus' lips, ignoring the growling.
"Ssh."
With that, Jesus quietened, although his face did get uncomfortably close to his own.

That done, he and the baby walked back to the car. Along the way, Mr Howtobasic spotted a pair of steaks in the trash can. Strapping them to the baby to protect him, he then smashed an egg in the baby's face to guard it against high speed crashes. That done, he went to the garage, tossing aside all that boring precious china in his haste to get the baby booster seat. What he saw made him angry. The baby seat wasn't nearly as covered in eggy goodness as it could have been, so he shook a fist at it. Walking back to his kitchen, he picked up some eggs.

Returning with the eggs and some sauce, he groped around his crotch, withdrawing a stick of celery with a condom on it. He then smashed the eggs on the baby seat, and stirred it around with the protected area of the celery. It's important for your celery to have protection while stirring eggs, after all. You could get high cholesterol from too many eggs, although Mr Howtobasic didn't know how many eggs qualified for 'too many.' Thinking about that made him aroused, so he withdrew a salad bowl and started beating the salad. That done, and a stream of white ejaculate covered the garage floor, he walked away, though not before picking up an umbrella.

After about five minutes of stirring, Mr Howtobasic was satisfied. Throwing the baby in, he checked the car. Seatbelts, check. He smashed a watermelon open and rubbed the seatbelts with the rich, red, fruity goodness. It squelched pleasingly on his fingers. Wheel, check. Smashing an egg on it just for luck, he remembered the incredible 'Eggy Sluts 6;' while many critics had said that the 'Eggy Sluts' franchise was getting old, he knew better; it was only getting better and better as time went on. He'd have to squeeze the cream bun later, but right now he had to drive.

He sat down, and threw the key into the ignition tab. After about six tries, it went in. He turned it, and the engine rumbled. He noticed that the fuel gauge was indicating that the engine was running on fumes. After flipping it off, he went and grabbed his milk jugs from the kitchen.

Pulling the car's engine open, he poured the milk into the car, refilling its gauge and ensuring that it could drive for many miles. This simple task done, he closed the bonnet and went back to the car. Now, for the preparation of the legs.

First, he checked their tone, slapping them vigourously. He then cracked two eggs on each legs, rubbing the glorious whites and yolks into his undeserving skin. Then, he poured whipped cream on, rubbed it in, and applied honey and chocolate sauce.

Speaking of chocolate, he had to prepare the baby for driving. Squatting over the baby, he grunted, and several steaks came flopping out of his ass, along with a sausage. After ensuring that the baby was well padded, he pooped another steak onto his own seat, as that was important. Making sure that he didn't get uncomfortable was vital enough to warrant that.

Turning the baby over, he released a long stream of Mountain Dew onto its behind. You always have to go to the bathroom before a long drive, plus, it kept the baby hydrated. It then turned to water, then milk, then blood. Thus ensuring that the baby was properly hydrated. He turned the baby over, tenderly stroking its face. He loved that baby. Mr Howtobasic then strapped himself in, smashed an egg on the pedals, and slammed his foot down.

==SMASH==

The rainbows around him coalesced into a laboratory. Mr Howtobasic climbed out. What on Earth had happened? He hadn't thrown an egg on the ground, so he couldn't have teleported, could he?
"Um, what exactly are you?"

He turned. There was a purple dragon with green frills staring at him with a 'oh god what the fuck are you and why are you here' expression.

"Yeah, I was trying to summon something out of one of Twilight's books to help with growing a moustache-"

How to Grow Moustache.

Mr Howtobasic walked upstairs.

"Uh, where are you going? Do you even talk?"

Mr Howtobasic ignored him. He was going to show this dragon how to grow a moustache. All he needed were some supplies. Climbing the stairs he walked around.

"What are you? Who are you? Do you even have a name?"

The kitchen. This was where his magic could shine. He opened the fridge, looking for the right materials. Did this dragon not have any steak? He shook a fist in silent rage. Well, time to make steak.

Squatting and straining, he was rewarded with three steaks plopping out, along with a generous helping of chocolate sauce.

Mr Dragon just looked, first at him, then at the steaks, then back to him. "Okay, what the hell did you just do."

The dragon looked a little repulsed, which was weird. He ran a finger down the dragon's mouth. "Ssh."

The dragon just looked at him. "Why are you doing that?"

That done, he turned to his important task- finding a bowl. After looking around, he found a bowl of fruit on the table. He gripped it, and threw the fruit around violently.

"Whoa! Stop that! I'm going to have to clean all of this up, you know!" The dragon scampered around, picking up fruit willy-nilly. He put the bowl on the table and threw the steak into it. Now, growing a moustache is a hard business, but luckily, Mr Basic knew a simple, effective way to grow a moustache. First, get steak, then, make it moist. He picked up the bowl and ran upstairs.

The dragon followed him, shouting after Mr Howtobasic and scampering as fast as his little legs would allow. "Where are you going?"

Mr Basic finally found the toilet. He gripped the steak, and smashed it into the toilet bowl multiple times. The dragon was just plain confused at this point.

"Uh, what? How is this even relevant? Why are you putting meat in the toilet? Why- ah, just forget it."

Mr Howtobasic then walked back downstairs. Rooting around in the dragon's fridge, he found some milk and eggs. All important staples of the moustache formula. He open the milk bottle, splashing it around like a maniac, but most of it got in the bowl.

"Um, we have to use that milk, you know." The dragon tried to grip his arm, but Mr Howtobasic threw some eggs into the bowl as violently as he could. The eggs shattered, spraying eggy goodness around. He gripped the sausage that had appeared between his legs with a condom on it, then got to stirring.

Spike, at this point, was fed up and angry. Whatever this creature was- he couldn't even see it very clearly, only its arms and legs were visible through a thick fog- it had wasted milk, generally been weird, plopped out steaks, of all things, thrown the steaks into the toilet, and was now mixing its weird mixture. There was only so much more he could take.

He finally reached his limit when the creature leapt up onto the table and started urinating in the bowl. "Okay, that is it!"

He marched up with his broom and started swatting the creature's legs. "Out! Out! Get out of here! Oh, Twilight's going to have a FIT when she sees you! Get out!"

The beast didn't seem to pay attention, now pulling out a fish and slapping the bowl with it. Then, Spike heard a grunt of frustration- odd because it hadn't made a sound asides from the "Ssh". It then threw the fish into the mixture and started stomping on the bowl. Spike swatted at it again. "Okay, stop doing whatever the hell you're doing!"

It seemed to have triumphed with the mixture. it hopped off, treading milky, eggy, fishy footprints all over, finding a paint brush. It then dipped its brush into the blackish liquid, and before Spike could react, it had drawn a moustache on his face. What happened next was too bizarre for Spike to describe.

Discord sailed in through the window, dressed as a tourist. "Honey, I'M HOME!"

His voice echoed around the room. He then spotted the creature. "Mr Howtobasic! What are you doing around here?"

The mysterious creature apparently considered this. It then withdrew an egg, which it lifted in a menacing way. Discord shook his head. "Now, now, I know that this isn't your usual plane of existence, but then again, I think that I can help you get back. Here."

With a click of his fingers, a huge block of what looked like steel appeared in the middle of the kitchen. The mysterious fog monster (Mr Howtobasic? Weird name) gave Discord a thumbs up, then pointed to Spike, also giving him a thumbs up, then pointing to Spike's face.

Spike rubbed his face, and was shocked to discover that somehow, he'd grown a moustache. Mr Howtobasic climbed back into the steel block.

Spike shook himself out of his shock. "Thanks, Mr Howtobasic!" Mr Howtobasic gave him a thumbs up and closed the opening. With a blip, the block of steel was gone. Spike sighed, then turned to Discord.

"Uh, who, or what, was that?"

Discord smiled. "That was Mr Howtobasic, one of my friends, enemies, and acquaintances. He's a mostly helpful spirit of chaos, although he often turns to violent means."

Spike opened his mouth, but Discord interrupted him. "No, I don't know what he looks like."

Mr Howtobasic arrived back home in Australia. He checked, then gave a thumbs up.

Author's Note

Hello people. Today, I show you how to go to Equestria! It's very easy to do- a lot of people want to leave here and leave behind their subscriptions to egg porn sites. That's okay, for I will show you how to go to Equestria easily and save over $2!

Do you have a friend who has trouble going to Equestria? Send them a link back here to help them save money!