My Life as an Eldritch Abomination
I carefully shape my face into a smile. “But I do love Pinkie Pie.”
Twilight seems to buy it, and we look fondly (or pretend, in my case) at Pinkie for a moment. Then I get on the train, and the trial is over. Once again, I have evaded detection.
I answer to Maud Pie, and I am not who you think I am.
I am, in fact, not a pony at all. Call my species remoras, if you like. We live in the void between dimensions, and latch onto those who enter the void to hitch rides into universes. A lot of us come to Equestria; ponies who teleport frequently are like commuter shuttles. It would not be entirely wrong to describe this universe as “infested.”
Do not think too harshly of us, though. We’re not very parasitic. Yes, we rewrite the past upon arrival to create roles to fill. But we cannot very well just hang around in our natural forms; for one thing, we don’t even have forms in the void. And if we had forms, they would probably drive any ponies that looked upon us mad.
That was a joke, by the way. I’ve been reading H.P. Hoofcraft in my free time. I’m trying to learn how to be amused, and I’m told his misconceptions about eldritch abominations are hilarious. I would not expect a native like you to understand.
Anyway, we can also be quite beneficial to our anchors. We rely on them to keep us from slipping back to the void, and we often grow quite close to them. I myself seem to be . . . grateful, I think it is, to Pinkie for bringing me here. Do you remember that hug I gave Pinkie after she almost died? Yes, I know you were watching. That is not the point. The point is that it was easy to fake that, because I was genuinely somewhat concerned. So what if I was concerned mostly for my own sake?
Really, natives should be as eager to be anchors as remoras are to have anchors. Old remoras, I mean. Remoras who have learned how to be eager. It is a very mutually beneficial arrangement. We protect our anchors. And we hate to be separated from them.
I can feel it, you know. Pinkie is far away. Further now than when I was stuck on the rock farm and she was in Ponyville. The rocks roll by outside the window, accompanied by the steady dull ripping sensation of the distance growing. I am unlikely to destabilize, but it still hurts. Why did the Elders have to send me away? It’s not fair!
I can accept keeping a certain distance most of the time. It is true that I should not have set myself up as Pinkie’s sister. This is my first time in a universe, and I was foolish to put myself so close to my anchor when I had no experience. The Elders were right to dismiss me as another 200-year-old who thinks she knows everything and send me to the rock farm. At the time.
But that was months ago. And time passes differently in here. I’m so much more than I was at first! How many remoras learn gratitude in only a few months? I’m a prodigy! I should be moving to Ponyville, not going halfway to Draconia to pretend to study rock science!
Wait . . . is this anger? Am I angry? See, Elders? I just learned a new emotion. Just right now, on the spot, learned an emotion. If that doesn’t prove you were wrong about me, I don’t know what does!
That’s it. Buck the Elders, I’m going to Ponyville. I’ll make them see that I’m ready.
In retrospect, maybe jumping out the window of a moving train was a poor plan. I was just trying to practice my anger, but apparently practicing a new skill is a bad idea now. Can I be angry at anger? Because it completely betrayed me.
You may be aware that breaking through glass windows is harmful to ponies, as is hitting the ground above galloping speed. So of course the passengers who heard my window break assumed I would be hurt. And of course there would now be ponies scouring the area to save me. If they find that I am unharmed, they may be suspicious. And if I draw attention like that, I doubt it will make the Elders trust me to be anywhere near Pinkie.
Now if I were Shining Armor or Cadance . . . they would get away with this. They just gallivant around being high-profile royalty and the Elders don’t even care. I’m surprised we don’t all go around kissing the ground they walk on, with how much every remora looks up to them.
They almost gave us away during the changeling invasion, you know. Do you think a real pony can feed a changeling so well she can overpower Celestia? Do you even know how defeating changelings with a blast of love is even supposed to make sense? They might as well have been wearing signs that said “We’re suspicious!”
And did they get punished for it? Well, I suppose they are far away from Twilight now, but it was Celestia’s idea. The Elders can’t take credit for that. No way can they control her. And they still get to visit Twilight regularly. They’re not being sent away for four years. They’ve only got close relationships with all the most powerful ponies in Equestria; it’s not like they could do any damage with their recklessness.
And that’s another thing! Why are the Elders so obsessed with Pinkie? Just because they do not know how she teleports, they treat her like she might catch one of us at any minute. She’s just an earth pony! Half the time she acts weirder that I did when I had just arrived. How does she have any chance of catching that I’m not a pony? Why should I suffer for the Elders’ irrational fear?
Am I fuming? I think I may be fuming.
Fuming in a cave. The great unrecognized prodigy, practicing her anger while hiding from search parties. At least they assume me to be too injured to get so far from the tracks. If only the pegasi would leave, I could get on with my journey. I am going to be angry at the pegasi, for being able to see so far. Angry at the pegasi, angry at the Elders, and angry at anger. I am getting quite good at anger, I would say.
Wait. What was I supposed to do now? I cannot simply walk into Ponyville; I need time to prove myself before the Elders learn I returned. But they keep a constant watch on Pinkie. I barely know any remoras in Ponyville; how am I supposed to ensure that I am not spotted? But how can I prove myself responsible enough to be near Pinkie if I cannot get near Pinkie?
Once again, anger has betrayed me.
At least I can watch the ponies go about their daily routines from here. Maybe that will give me some ideas.
Look at them down there. All so close. Most of them smiling. How do they do it? How do they show so much emotion, day in and day out? I cannot even imagine trying.
Does that mean I am not ready? Were the Elders right? I think I may have made a mistake, coming back here. I suppose I should leave.
Maybe I’ll learn something at the university. There are so many emotions left to master. And I do seem to be making progress on doubt.
