In Her Majesty's Sedimentary Service
Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia of Equestria, is a wholly remarkable ruler. While it is generally considered bad form to discuss somepony’s age, the subject of just how old she is has popped up repeatedly amongst scholars, and the Princess has graciously indicated that she does not mind. When asked (in direct defiance of etiquette) about her age, her Majesty usually claims to have forgotten, which childhood acquaintance[1] and fellow defyer of age Discord has attributed to alcohol abuse, though it must be noted here that Discord is not considered an impartial source[2].
The only other surviving eyewitness is HRH Princess Luna of Equestria, who was long considered extremely difficult to approach by historians, until one student working on her thesis managed to win her trust due to their shared habit of staying up until sunrise (albeit for very different reasons) and love of caffeine. Since then, she has revealed that neither she nor her sister have aged in aeons[3]; Discord, in response, has said that they “don’t look a day over 1,700”.
Given this longevity and complete defiance of the laws of entropy, it should come as no surprise that the belief that Celestia is immortal has become widespread. More than a few attempts have been made to test this belief, though regrettably none of these have followed proper scientific procedures, thus limiting their academic merit.
Indeed, attempts to end Celestia’s life are surprisingly common considering the fact that her approval rating is the third highest of any ruler on the planet[4]. It is because of this that she has been assigned security, including the Royal Guard, a food taster [5], and the Equestrian Secret Intelligence Service.
“So, you infiltrated a National Front meeting[6], correct?” Celestia said, before taking a bite out of her doughnut. She was attending a meeting with the director-general of the Secret Service (a purple unicorn stallion known as Underhoof) and his most skilled operative, held in the secret headquarters of the Equestrian intelligence service, which was, in fact, a table at Doughnut Joe’s[7].
“Yes,” said the operative in question, a grey earth pony mare codenamed Agent Drama Queen by Celestia, whose real name was Maud Pie. Celestia had never taken the concept of code names entirely seriously.
“What did you learn at the meeting?” Celestia said.
“That Front members typically refer to zebras as ‘filthy stripeys’ and griffons as ‘fishgobblers’, their members tend to employ numerous logical fallacies in their reasoning, and they are planning on kidnapping you at your public appearance in the Crystal Empire next week,” Maud Pie said.
Underhoof’s jaw dropped. “We’ll have to cancel your appearance,” he said.
“Oh, that won’t be necessary,” Celestia said. “Besides, I wouldn’t want to disappoint the good ponies of the Crystal Empire. I hear they’re really looking forwards to my appearance. So tell me, Agent Drama Queen, what exactly is the Front planning?”
“They plan on taking strategic positions around the Imperial capital. When it is time for you to make a speech in front of the Crystal Heart, they will launch tear gas canisters at the crowd, after which a number of their strongest ponies will charge you and attempt to disable you via a blow to the cranium so they may take you to an escape chariot waiting near the train station.”
Celestia shook her head. “Oh my, that sounds serious. I shall be sure to have a contingent of guards equipped with gas masks on standby, along with ample medical personnel. Could I count on you to try and sabotage their plans? I’d much rather that nopony gets hurt.”
“I’ll try,” Maud said.
===
While it was becoming increasingly common to see non-crystal ponies in the Crystal Empire, especially during major events like a royal visit, there were unusually many around on the day of Celestia’s visit. Notably, quite a few had nationalist symbols for their cutie marks, while quite a few more were wearing clothing obscuring the cutie mark (it’s one thing to be proud of having a cutie mark in bigotry, but even the members of the National Front realized showing it to the world might attract negative attention). A number of these ponies were congregating at a bar not far from the Crystal Heart, much to the dismay of the owner.
Maud Pie entered quietly. Some ponies noticed her existence. Most ponies didn’t. She made her way to the bar.
“Vodka martini,” she said. “On the rocks.”
It took a moment for the barkeep to realize somepony had ordered. Once she had her drink, she made her way to the table with the biggest, angriest-looking ponies. She positioned herself behind one of them, waited until everypony had forgotten about her presence, then said “Hey boss, where’d we leave the canisters again?”
“Right outside, in the rain barrel,” said the boss in question, a brown pegasus mare named Anger Point. Maud was gone before anypony could even begin to wonder who had asked the question. Once outside, she quickly located the barrel. Seeing nopony around, she grabbed a small pebble from her saddlebags and rammed it into the dispersion system of a canister, jamming it. She did the same for another canister, and another, and another, until all the canisters had been sabotaged.
She left the premises, hid inside a small pile of rocks that had been placed there for that very purpose, and waited.
===
“... and that is why we should always cherish the shared bond of harmony and friendship between the Crystal Empire and Equestria!”
Celestia’s speech was a rousing success, and the crowd enthusiastically stomped its hooves. Their excitement was cut short when Anger Point screamed “now!”
A number of ponies donned gas masked and threw tear gas canisters into the crowd and at the princess and her guards. They utterly failed to unleash their contents. Bewilderment reigned among Front members and the crowd alike.
“Everypony please remain calm,” said Celestia, who was one of the few ponies who could utter that phrase without causing even more panic. While confused murmurs still echoed through the crowd, the ponies were no longer on the verge of bolting.
Anger Point, never one to let a bad situation turn good, decided that her attempt to kidnap Celestia might still be salvaged. “Attack Celestia!” she shouted, and several Front members made a dash for the princess.
Maud had been waiting for this moment. Emerging from her hiding place, she started throwing rocks at the assailants, showing pinpoint accuracy and lightning-fast movements. Mere moments later, the shock troops of the Front were curled up in foetal position, clutching their broken ribs. Celestia ordered her medical personnel along with her guards to take care of them.
Meanwhile, Anger Point and a hoofful of cronies ran for it, with Maud in hot pursuit. Their chase lead them to the train station, where an escape chariot stood waiting for them. Anger Point jumped into it, and ordered the two pegasi hitched to it to start flying.
Maud retrieved Boulder from a pocket. It was now or never. She flung the tiny pebble at a small joint in the chariot. It connected, and the chariot collapsed. Maud advanced on the grounded Anger Point, staring her down. Anger Point made one last-ditch effort to flee by simply flying away, but Maud simply grabbed onto one of her hooves and refused to let go. Finally, Anger Point collapsed to the ground, and within a few minutes, the Royal Guard arrived on the scene.
The Front members were taken away, leaving Maud to collect Boulder.
Princess Celestia would probably want to thank her later, but for now, she was in an Empire of minerals, and she was planning on enjoying it before heading back home.
[1] Surviving eyewitness accounts are conflicted about their exact relationship prior to the First Discordian War - a series of bas-reliefs found at Perseponies seem to imply they were friends, surviving records from the Imperial Library of Constallionople suggest they forged an alliance despite mutual dislike, and one version of the Mustanglo-Stallion Chronicle, noted for its level-headedness, mentions four murder attempts, a marriage proposal, two hugs, a vicious beating and a passionate kiss between the two in a single sentence.
[2] See Long Time, Rusty Relic et al in their seminal treatise, Discord and the Study of History; Why Discord is an Unreliable Oh Bugger He’s Turned my Horn Into a Newt Again, Hasn’t He.
[3] ae·on [ˈiːən] n. - a really bloody long time
[4] The second place belongs to General Irontalon of the North Griffonian Democratic Republic, where any sign of dissent is punished by forty years of forced labour. The first place goes to the breakaway Republic of West Equestria, whose territory consists of a single island containing a single house just off the coast of Vanhoover, and whose solitary inhabitant is wholly in support of his own leadership.
[5] A stallion by the name of Taste Bud, upon whom fell the unenviable task of taking a bite out of any delectable treats before Celestia could. Celestia showed little appreciation for his position and made every attempt to undermine his attempts to get to the delicacies before she could.
[6] A number of radical fringe groups opposed the Equestrian diarchy; amongst them were a handful of religious sects such as the Order of the Smooze and the Cult of Nightmare Moon, as well as secular groups like the Freedom League (who believed that the existence of taxes and the presence of government-funded services were proof that Equestria was turning into a communist state) and the Proletarian Union (who believed that the existence of royalty and the presence of differences between ponies were proof that Equestria ought to be turned into a communist state).
The National Front believed that Equestria belonged to ponies alone, and considered anypony willing to befriend any other sapient creature a traitor to their species. They were generally considered the most vile of Equestria’s fringe movements; while the Freedom League and Proletarian Union could be seen as examples of what happens when you take a reasonable idea and bury it under layer after layer of crazy, the National Front was an excellent example of something that’s asinine to begin with being taken to new heights of insanity.
In short, the National Front were not the nicest of ponies.
[7] While some have criticised the facility for its lack of secrecy, Princess Celestia maintains that it is in fact a table at the very back, and that Doughnut Joe is very diligent about ensuring the privacy of her meetings by not seating anypony nearby unless there is no room elsewhere.
