It was a brisk Sunday morning, the Space Babies were flying overhead, beautiful Robins were screaming hate-speeches in thick Austrian accents, and Jesus, the main character, was picking beets from his beet tree. Jesus loved beets. He loved their hard, crunchy, tooth-shattering texture. He loved their bland, flavorless aura, and the disgusting bugs that caked every beet he picked. Jesus loved borsht, the weird, mashed beet dish that his favorite people, the Russians, had stolen from one of the lesser countries bordering it.
Jesus loved the Russians, he loved them more than any other humans on the planet. It was almost exactly like Heaven in some ways, because Heaven is a Communist nation. Everyone is given to equally, save for him and his father, who got like, fifty percent of Heaven's tax dollars. Heaven has crazy high taxes, but honestly, how else were they going to pay for the electricity, water, cable, ect? What, you think Jesus pays for it? On a carpenter's salary? Haha no.
Jesus wiped the sweat from his brow, and rubbed a cold bottle of Dr.Pepper on his manly, toned chest. He shuddered at the sensation of the chilly beverage rubbing along his six pack. Of course, his six pack was one of Jesus's more monumental failures. He always looked down to Hell, jealous of the Anti-Christ's six-six-six pack.
"Whatever,"huffed a pouty Jesus,"at least I get Verizon fios, ole' anti has to deal with Time Warner."
After reassuring himself with the fact that cable sucks in Hell(seriously, you can't even change the channel because all of the remotes are on fire) and totally rules in Heaven, he decided that now would be the perfect time to go watch some television. Sure, it was what he'd been doing for the past sixty-thousand years, but honestly he'd pretty much done everything there was to do in Heaven. So he strolled into his cute, pink house, put on a fluffy pink bathrobe, and climbed into his bathtub full of Dr.Pepper. He needn't strip of course, because in Heaven, soda doesn't make you wet or sticky, you just get to sit in delicious bubbly goodness with none of the earthly consequences.
Jesus then grabbed his pink, gummy remote, and turned on his 1080p four hundred inch flat-screen TV. He immediately pressed the "guide" button and closed his eyes. Jesus liked to flip randomly through the guide and watch whatever he happened to click on. So he did just that, flipping though the channels at the speed of light. Then, he suddenly stopped and opened his eyes, his senses immediately being overloaded by the bright colors and happy rainbows on the screen, ironic since he deads(not lives) in a pink house. Unfortunately, he seemed to have caught the show right at the end, but it looked like one of the ponises was about to learn a lesson.
Jesus leaned back and got comfortable, he always loved to hear the wholesome, Christian values of children's television.
"Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that secret butt fun can be an enjoyable experience, but you have to make sure to ask the pony you want to have it with, because there's always the chance that they have a headache. I hope you, the one, true creator, can forgive me.
Your faithful student,
Princess Twilight Sparkle"
Jesus did a spit-take, spraying Dr.Pepper all over the place. What had he just heard? He rewound the show. Yes! She had called Celestia the one true creator! Jesus was furious, just what horrible new religion had reared its ugly head this time? Celestism? That was a stupid name. Jesus hated stupid names.
Jesus flew out of his house, towards the golden water slide that lead to Earth. He stopped directly in front of the water slide, and put on his water wings. Then he got in line.
Jesus sighed and tapped his foot impatiently, honestly he didn't quite see how the water slide was always packed, there were only eight people in Heaven after all. Once it was his turn to go, he stepped up to the slide, he saw God the Lifeguard giving him a suspicious look.
"Son, it's not time for the Second Coming yet, what exactly are you up to?"
"Dad, the humans have formed a horrible pony-based religion! I'm going to go put a stop to it!."
God sighed,"you know we don't do that, right? That whole messing with free will thing?"
"Oh come on,"Jesus put his hands on his hips,"you used to do that all the time."
"Yeah, used to, things are different now."
"So what you're saying is that you're not a perfect God like you claim, otherwise your doctrine wouldn't need to be changed."
God turned red with anger,"Jesus! Stop acting like an Atheist!" God gasped and covered his mouth, immediately regretful.
Jesus simply scoffed,"fine then, I'll just go to Equestria."
"Equestria doesn't exist."
"Then I'll make it exist, I'm God too ya know."
So Jesus slid down the slide, and used his Jesuskinesis to make an alternate path that lead to Equestria, which he slid through.
Then bleepity boppity poopy babba boo, Jesus was in Equestria like any normal person would be. He luckily landed right on top of the very pony that he wished to speak with, the Princess he knew as Twilight Sparkle.
"Ow, get off of me, Jesus!' she screamed.
Jesus complied, but was immediately confused,"how do you know my name?"
"Because we've been expecting you for the past sixty-five million years,"Then she ripped off her own skin to reveal that she was actually a leech monster the whole time. Her house exploded(neither of them were harmed because Jesus is a Jesus and Twilight is a leech monster) exposing Jesus to the rest of the town.
"Get him, my leech minions," screamed Twilight Sparkle,"kill Jesus!"
"Ha, fat chance,"said Jesus in perfect leech language,"I'll just beat you all up." Unfortunately for Jesus, he had vastly underestimated the population of Ponyville, and was about to pay dearly. He was immediately swarmed by thousands of bloodthirsty leech monsters, each biting into his flesh, sucking his blood from his body. Unfortunately for the leech monsters, they were evil, and Jesus' blood is like cyanide for evil stuff.
All of the leech monsters, save for the Leech Six, fell to the ground, sick and dead. Jesus looked at the Leech Six and saw that they were powering up the Elements of Leeches. Jesus charged forward, but it was too late, he was engulfed in a leech-colored beam of light. There was a great big flash and everything had changed, his molecules got all rearranged.
When Jesus woke up he realized he had leech-colored hair, and glowing leech eyes. He could suck on blood, disappear, and fly, he was much more a leech than the other guys. It was then that he knew what he had to do, he had to de-leech himself and beat Celeechia's crew. He's here to fight, for me and you!
Of course, the problem was that Jesus was in a cell, and he'd never really done a de-leeching before. It didn't matter though, because a huge, white leech with wings, a horn, and a crown slithered into the hallway, and stopped at his cell.
"Ha ha,"said the giant leech monster,"now you are a leech monster too, this is a great day for Equestria. With you, a leech Jesus by our side, we can destroy all of the other nations, and turn them into leeches too!"
Unfortunately for Celeechia, the Elements of Leeches can't get rid of Jesus Physics, so he used those to figure out how to de-leech while she was talking. Jesus ripped off his skin to reveal that he wasn't actually a leech monster at all, but a Jesus!
"Nooooo!"screamed Celeechia; then she gave up forever.
The anonymous brony stared at the screen, watching the show credits, unsure of how to react to the most recent episode of My Little Pony. Finally, mustering all of his articulation, he managed to utter a single phrase.
"What the fuck was that shit?"
Author's Note
I got sick of all of those overly-offensive "Jesus in Equestria" fics, so I took it upon myself to pump some christian values into this heathen fandom.
