Razor Fist Ends up in Equestria
Razor Fist was a moderately successful super criminal, super would be putting it lightly as his whole gimmick was having machetes for hands, but I digress. Anywho he was battling against his arch nemesis Toxin, who despite his equally retarded name was kinda kick ass with his own shtick being the offspring of Carnage. The two C-list Marvel characters were engaged in combat on one of New York's numerous roof tops.
...
"You haven't heard the last of me, Toxin!!!" Razor howled as he was thrown off a nearby ledge to what would have been a relatively safe net of webbing created by his symbiote clad enemy, but as fate would have it Thanos at that very moment was dicking around with the infinity gauntlet and at that very moment a small portal opened up just before Razor Fist hit the web, swallowing him whole.
There he was Razor Fist spirling like a football through realities and to make things worse he was completely unconscious for majority of his journey as while traveling between time and pace, he accidentally crashed into the phone booth from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure...boogus!
Eventually, he did find the light at the end of the scary Wonka-like tunnel and by find I mean he smashed head first into the sorta plush green grass of Ponyville's park.
"Hey, you okay dude?" A voice seemed to call out to him.
Grumbling and muttering some more words of vengeance, he eventually woke up and managed to get himself in a standing position and when you have blades for hands that was easier said than done as with the more force he pushed down with the more he sunk into the ground kinda like a shovel or a picket fence.
Razor opened his eyes to the sight of a blue talking pegasus which considering that he was from a world of giant purple mutant killing robots, talking foul mouthed ducks and metal claw sporting Canadians, the whole talking Technicolor horse thing in front of him was kinda tame by comparison.
"Where the fuck am I and who the hell are you?"
"You're in Ponyville and I'm Rainbow Dash the fastest pony in all of Equestria!" The mare struck a pose as she made her exclamation before returning to the strange bipedal alien. "And you?"
"I am the dark lord of the underworld Razor Fist!"
Rainbow looked at him for a second before bursting into laughter. "Um... Flavor Fist, lord of the under whore?"
"No, you dumb bitch, it's RAZOR FIST!"
"That sounds painful, whatever your kinks are fine as long as foals aren't around. Different strokes for different folks."
"I am not a hooker."
"Really? I just thought with the gimp mask and the leather pants... you know what never mind." With the confusion cleared up, Rainbow took off at mach two leaving behind one very annoyed criminal.
Alone he shock his head and sighed, "I wonder if Hydroman ever has days like these?"
Later
Razor opened the door and he was assaulted by the cheers of "SURPRISE" as he entered the bakery. His eyes eventually settled on the giant banner that read: 'Welcome to Ponyville Flavor Fist'. Of course as Ponyville custom required he was then shot with the confetti cannon which like several times before has accidentally been loaded with custard instead and the result was our bad guy being covering from head to to toe in the egg, milk and sugar mixture.
"Oooh, were you surprised?! Please tell me you loved it, I even invited some of the ponies from the Sore Saddle, so you wouldn't feel so alone." Pinkie punctuated her verbal assault with a grandiose hoof gesture pointing to the group of stallions and mares wearing bondage gear in the back of the room drinking the yummy punch and just happy to finally be invited to one of Pinkie's parties, because let's face it when you're as into sadomasochism as much as these ponies, you don't get invited to much social gatherings, but that's besides the point.
Razor let out an angry groan that the pink pony mistook as a yummy sound as she licked the custard off making him spin like a top for few seconds.
"Must. Burn. Village. To. The. Ground." He mumbled underneath his breath. Luckily, Pinkie left him alone to go eat some more sucrose frosted bake goods.
Just as the annoying pink one retreated to the snack table Twilight approached the human. "Why don't you get tell us about yourself?"
"I am Razor Fist, dark lord of the criminal underground. I am a pimp, a murderer, a rapist and a drug dealer in the community. Soon this pastel colored nightmare will be crushed under my boot as I take control of this land. Any questions?"
Not really expecting any kind of actual reply, Razor was stunned when a pony raised their hoof.
"Yes?"
"Yeah, how do you go to the bathroom with machetes for hands?"
"I have a henchman help me with that."
"How do you feed yourself?" Another voice from the crowd piped up.
"I use another henchman, they work in shifts."
"How do you bathe and dress yourself?" A third question was fired off to him.
"Um...a henchman." With that last answer, something broke inside Razor Fist's mind. "I'm a complete loser!!!!!"
At that realization he collapsed and crawled into the fetal position and would have sucked his thumb...well if he had any thumbs.
The ponies would have done the Equestrian thing and made him feel better, but he just admitted to an ass ton of heinous crimes, so they collectively beat the shit out of him and yes even sweet and innocent Fluttershy joined in and broke three of his ribs. Soon after that they removed his hand machetes and threw him out of town.
As Razor Fist lay on the soft grass with most likely heavy internal bleeding he had one final thought. "I bet Toxin isn't doing any better."
Back in my fanon version of the Marvel Universe (Basically Marvel Civil War never happened, anyway...)
"Wow Toxin, you just saved us all from that surprise sneak attack by Galactus and you were able to do it all by yourself. So as the head of America, I resign and now proclaim you Super President!"
Crowds cheered as the symbiote clad hero sat on a throne that used to be The Planet Eater's skull with Black Cat, Emma Frost and She-Hulk swooning over him.
The End
