Into the Mind of a Troubled Brony

Life and death sure do have their mysterious ways. With the hanging and pill overdosage, I was absolutely certain I was dead. I still felt alive however, I could hear myself breathing and feel my chest rise and lower. Did the rope break? Was the overdose not enough?

I couldn't feel anything more than my chest and the breaths I was taking. Was I still paralyzed? If I was, I wouldn't be able to feel anything at all. Perhaps this is what death feels like, a conscious sleep. This is literally resting in peace.

Peace...haven't used that word in a while. It was about time I was in peace. Nobody could bother me, or make fun of me, or hurt me, or treat me like I was just a piece of dirt underneath their shoe. For once, I was in tranquility, simple bliss. There wasn't much to it, because it was just breathing after all. I started to get confused because more of my senses were coming to.

My touch started coming back, I felt as if I were laying on a solid, dry material, maybe it was marble, it was hard to tell. This wasn't the muddy grass I walked in, that's for sure. I wasn't feeling any rain, it was possible that I went through a coma or something and the weather stopped. If that's the case, then somebody must've discovered me.

I couldn't open up my eyes, which was strange. Normally after a period of sleep, you'd be able to do that. I could start to feel like I was holding something, a small object. I couldn't move but I tried my best to determine what it was. It felt hard, but fragile, I could snap this thing in half if I wanted. It was like a smooth, polygonal stick. Is this the pencil I drew?

If that's what is true, then somehow, through death, I was able to be reincarnated in a sense, to this "me" I drew on the paper. I should be hearing Pinkie then, shouldn't I? Well

I wasn't, maybe she's about ready to scare me when I wake up, I hope not.

My heart started to race, there was a smile I felt that came across my face. I started to hear someone jumping and feminine laughter, my ears just weren't working yet. I knew spot on that was her, but sadly, she's still just a clone. No matter, she was enough to make me happy anyways.

My eyes started twitching, finally, I was about to see a new world, a world where I actually mattered. The jumping got close to me and ceased.

"Come on silly! Wake up already! I'm glad to see that you made it!" I heard her say.

I still couldn't move yet, is this a dream? No! It would suck if it was! My smile grew larger in response to her voice, she knew I was awake.

She nudged me, saying, "I know you're up, quit being lazy!"

I couldn't talk, I started coming up with reasons that this was taking so slow. Maybe my soul is taking its sweet old time moving to a new entity. Could I control where it went? I didn't care, it knew what I wanted and I was going to get it.

What about the magic you were missing? Death must've provided that, maybe life did, oh who cares? I was going to be happy anyways.

My eyes started fluttering open, it's about damn time. My vision was blurry at first, but it was enough. All I saw was a pink blotch that took up most of my field of view.

"Oh goody! So you are awake then!" I seen her smile.

My hands started to clench, I slowly sat up and shook my head to clear out my vision. I think my soul fully transferred itself over to this figure. Anticipated, I quickly looked around to see the world that the clone was in.

Wow...there wasn't anything here, it was just an endless, gray room. I looked up, the sky seemed to go on forever. What sucked was that I couldn't see what was outside of the paper, then I started to understand more of what this clone was going through.

Hearing a voice that you can't see the source of? That must've been as scary enough as it gets, but it's a cliché in horror films, so the concept of it didn't scare me. As for Pinkie, I don't know if they have scary movies in Equestria, but she was definitely in fear.

I looked at her only to see her quickly rush up to me and give me a hug, licking me on the cheek. As most animals, this was how they showed affection, but having human traits too, such as intelligence and language, that didn't seem to affect it.

"I thought I wasn't able to make it here, to be honest," I said, returning the hug.

"Oh who cares about that? You're here now and that's all that matters."

"True...say, now that we're here, do you know how to get back?"

She shrugged, "Sorry, if I knew anything about magic, we would already be home."

"Your home," I corrected.

"Stop being silly! It'll be yours too very soon!"

"I don't know," I paused, "Maybe we can't go back."

"Don't say that! You're just giving up too easily!"

"Maybe I am, but that's how it always is for me. From life experiences, I only expected the worse, and the worse always happened."

She let go of me, "Now that's thinking the wrong way, if you expected good things to happen, then good things will happen."

"You don't understand."

"I so do too!"

I sighed, "You see, I did expect good fortune, but it never came to me, so I stopped hoping on it."

"Hope? Good things don't come through hope! Ok...maybe some of the time, but that's missing the big picture!"

"Did you hope that you would pass Twilight's test?"

"Well, yeah...I did, but I tried my hardest, but yet here I am...a failure."

"See? Hope gets you nowhere. Listen, now that we're here, we won't be able to fail each other."

She sprang up and gave me another hug, "Yay!" she screamed.

I slightly blushed, "Ok ok...you can stop that now."

"Aww...sorry," she let go.

Now how would I get us out of here? If this pencil worked the same as it did on Earth, then it should work the same here, would it not? If so, what would I draw?

What about that mirror portal from the Equestria Girls movie?

Not a bad idea, seems legit.

Now from what I learned, in order to make it function like it did in the movie, I have to draw it almost exactly as it appeared. I stopped and wasn't aware that I started frowning.

"What's wrong?" Pinkie asked, tilting her head.

I didn't want to break it to her that I couldn't get us out of here. Wait a minute, you need magic dumbass! I facepalmed, I am for sure that we can't get out of here. Might as well make the best of this life.

"I...I can't," I looked down.

She looked away, "Oh..."

"But hey, look on the bright side, we still have each other, don't we?"

She nodded.

Hey buddy, wink wink.

Aw shit, my brain is back to make this more frustrating.

I said hey! Wink! Wink!

SHUT UP! You can zip your imaginary lips and let me, once, just once, live in sanity! Would you?!

Aw, but come on, you know you wanna.

No I don't wanna, that's disgusting!

But you and her are the only ones here, how's anyone going to find out?

Good point, but still, that's nasty. I won't start having a relationship, especially with somebody of a totally different species.

Why not start now?

I started blushing furiously.

"You ok?" Pinkie asked worriedly.

"Yeah yeah...I'll be ok."

"Oh, ok!" She started humming, walking around.

If we truly are stuck here, then what's the harm of d- no! No no no!

What about food?

My eyes grew large and I looked directly at my stomach. I didn't feel hungry, maybe what I ate came with me. What about Pinkie?

Oh no...no, this isn't good.

"Hey Pinkie?" I asked, shifting my gaze to her.

"Yeah?"

"Are you hungry, like at all?"

She stopped jumping around, "Umm...I am a little bit, why?"

"Need I point out to you that there is no food here?"

Her mouth gaped open, "You can't be serious!"

I gulped, "I am very serious...ok, before anything bad happens, let's make a vow that we do NOT eat each other, ok?"

I know human behavior, I couldn't keep this promise, but I had to comfort her in some way.

"Ok...hey! At least we won't die alone!"

"True...that's the last thing I wanted to do."

"Die alone? Nobody wants to die alone!"

"Obviously...but I had to."

"What do you mean? You're here, alive, aren't you?"

"Yes, but I had to die to get here."

"What are you talking about?"

I took a deep breath, "In order to be here with you, I had to die...alone."

"How'd you die?" I could hear the empathy in her tone.

"I'd rather not say..."

"Rather not say? Come on! We're the only ones here, how's anyone going to find out?"

"Alright fine...if you say so."

I paused, trying to figure out a subtle way to tell her.

She walked closer to me, I could tell that she cared. Someone...actually cares? Ain't that something?

"Come on...we're alone, you can tell me anything," she put her head on my shoulder comfortingly.

"I...I had to...I was desperate, ok?"

"Desperate for death? That's bologna, nobody's desperate for death."

"Maybe not in Equestria...but Earth is a totally different story."

"How so?"

"Desperation for death is common thing, we were made into the world and we're destroying it. People treat others so badly that they want to die. They let wars rage and chi-"

She interrupted me, "What's a war?"

"I can't exactly tell you what a war is, but I can tell you what it brings."

She nuzzled me, "Go on, I'm listening."

"Wars...they bring destruction, death, misery, sacrifices, turmoil, and worse of all...it kills hope."

"Hope for what?"

"A better world...a peaceful one."

Pinkie moved her eyes around, examining the aspects of this world, "This world seems pretty peaceful to me, don't you think?"

"Yeah...true, I could care less about Earth now that I'm here."

"What about Equestria?"

"Perhaps when we die, we will get to go there, maybe somewhere else. Where ever I go, I don't want to be alone."

"But you were never alone."

"I know an obvious lie when I see it, I was always alone."

"Physically you might be alone, but something or someone is always there to care about you."

I chuckled, "You mean my brain? Ha! That fucker was apart of the reason why I wanted to die!"

She flattened her ears, stumbling away.

"Oh...sorry...I didn't know what came to me, I'm upset, alright?"

She cautiously trotted back to me, "Upset, why?"

"My brain is its own separate being, you know? I don't have full control over what I think. Don't worry though, I rarely act on what my brain says to do."

"That's not that bad...is it?"

"It's horrible..."

She came up to me more confidently, embracing me in sympathy, "It's going to be alright..."

"It is now...I hope."

"Say, what's your name?"

Out of every comforting thing you could've said, that's what you had to ask?

"Why does it matter to you?"

"Well because, duh! I wanna know your name!"

"Well you aren't getting it out of me."

"Hmph! Guess I'll just have to name you myself, so now you're kind of like my pet!"

"Oh come on...I don't want to be somebody's pet."

"It's either you tell me your name or I make one up myself, which is it?"

I grunted, "Fine...make a name for me."

"What's so wrong about your real name?"

"There's nothing wrong with it, it just doesn't matter."

"Doesn't matter?! Are you crazy?!"

"Yes, maybe I am after all."

She blinked and started thinking of names, I could tell she was. Boy, let's wait and see what she comes up with.

"How about...no...maybe it could be...nah...lets see...uhh..." She was having trouble.

"Spit it out!" I yelled, somewhat annoyed already.

"Ok ok! geez, gimme a second!"

I rolled my eyes, at least I'm with someone I can slightly tolerate.

"How about Hope?"

I glanced at her, surprised, "Hope? Wonder where you got that from." I said sarcastically.

"Well...this whole ordeal is based upon hope, is it not?"

"Hope is sort of a girl's name."

"So what? No one will never find that out."

"You can't label me with something that died inside of me. Calling me Hope just isn't going to work."

"Well I'm calling you Hope wether you like it or not!"

"Fine fine, I can't control what you call me."

She was quite persistent on calling me Hope, I'm not sure what got into that pony, but I'm actually starting to like it.

She sat next to me, nuzzling me, "Sorry I interrupted you, please do continue."

"It's ok...now where was I? Oh yeah, they let children starve to death. Yeah, thankfully, some others try to help them, I thank them for that, but it just isn't enough. People are ridiculed and abused because of what they like, what they believe in, and how they live their lives. This continues on a day to day basis and I just wanted to get away from it all, you understand now?"

I could see the tears forming in her eyes, "I didn't mean to make you sad...but you wanted to know, so there you go," I told her.

She sniffled, "It's ok...good thing you're not there anymore, huh?"

"Yeah...but I still worry about them a little bit."

"Why worry? You don't have to deal with it."

"I don't, you're right, but what about the ones that have to? What about the ones that are afraid to live because today, this day, could be their last?"

She extended a foreleg around my neck and nuzzled me more, "Sorry what you had to go through..."

"No, don't be sorry. Be happy that I'm here."

"This sadness is only temporary, we can at least take the time to mourn for them, can't we?" I saw a tear go down her cheek.

"Yeah...you're right."

We spent what seemed to be an hour, crying in sadness and in happiness. Sad because of the lives that we're being wrongly used on Earth, happy because we were here, away from all of that. It was probably one of the most moving events I experienced, being on an emotional rollercoaster  isn't very fun.

She started telling me stories of her life from Equestria, but wait, she's just a clone, how could she?

"Hey Pinkie, you know you're just a clone, right?"

"Oh come on, of course I'm not."

"But the episode...I know what happens, you passed her test and got to stay with her friends."

"I did? Well to be honest, I would've preferred to stay with my closest friends than be stuck here with you."

I didn't know how to respond to that, "But since I failed, I guess this will have to do, we could be the bestest of friends!" she said, hopping around joyfully.

I sighed in relief, "Pinkie...so you know, I'd rather be here than be back on Earth."

"All the more of a reason I should be happy why I'm here!"

I smirked, "Yeah...I guess so."

I heard her stomach growl, oh dear...

"Umm..." she said, moving her eyes around, terrified.

"I know...we're both going to die of starvation...but look on the bright side, where ever we end up after we die here, it could be Equestria."

She looked comforted already, "To make things safe, should we be as far as away from each other as possible?" she suggested.

"No! At least...not yet..." I immediately responded.

"Hey, you won't be dying alone this time." she assured me.

"But it'll still feel like it..."

"Like I said, you're truly never alone, are you? We can be the farthest distance apart but we will know that we're still here, so that way, we really won't be dying alone."

"Sounds acceptable to me...but I'll let you know that I'll last longer than you."

"Why's that?"

"I ate before I got here, I'm not sure how a pony's digestive system works, but a human can go at least three days without food. After that, it starts eating itself to conserve energy."

"Ew..." she cringed, "How do you know that?"

"Life experiences...and general human knowledge."

"Ok then...so I guess this is goodbye for now?"

I froze in fear, I'll be alone again...

But you really won't, she already told you that everything will be ok, wouldn't it?

Yeah...what's done is what has to be done to keep the promise.

"I'm afraid so..." I said, looking away from her.

"Hey," she turned my head back towards her, "Don't be afraid, ok? Just remember, you're never alone."

"I...um...fine..." I stammered.

She wasn't crying, she probably wasn't afraid of death like I was. Although why be afraid anymore? You already know what happens after death, so rest assured, we'll both be fine.

"Okie Dokie Lokie!" she said, hopping off.

Why isn't this troubling her like it is to me?

"Hey, wait!" I exclaimed.

She stopped and looked back, "Yeah?"

"I feel silly for asking this, but...how about one last hug?"

She rolled her eyes, "Duh! Silly me! What was I thinking?" she ran up and hugged me with so much joy, I didn't know what to feel at that moment.

I hugged back, how can she still be happy? Well...it's just Pinkie being Pinkie after all. I'll never know for sure if she's a clone or not. She doesn't claim to be but I believe she is, I know that I'm not right, I can't be sure of that.

Our embrace lasted quite a while, I could feel time slowing down, as if it knew what was going on.

She let go, "What ever happens, I'll try my best not to forget you, ok?"

"Comforting words, yes...but if we end up in the same place, what then?"

"Then I get to introduce you to all my friends!"

"That sounds...nice...you know, I'm envious of you."

"Huh? Why?"

"Because I never got to have friends like yours, I never had someone that cared about me as much as you are right now."

"Aww..." she nuzzled me, "Hey, that's one thing to look forward to!"

"It is..." I blushed slightly, already imagining my life in Equestria.

"Hey, hopefully I'll see you soon, ok?"

"Yeah...sure..." I was too busy with my imagination.

"See ya Hope! It was great knowing you! If we get to see each other again, that'd be so great!" she gasped and started walking away, "I have to throw a party for him when we get there! I have to get food and guests and decorations and this is gonna be so much fun! I can't wait to see h-" her voice started trailing off.

I got up and started walking in the opposite direction, positive thoughts, don't stop me now. I was too distracted by how my life was going to be there, assuming that my soul would transfer there. I didn't let any other possibility pass through my thoughts, last thing I needed was negativity.

How was it going to be there? Who will I be? Will I literally be reincarnated as a colt or a filly? Would I show up in my human form? I hope I would. Will Equestria be like how it is perceived to be in the show? If that's true, then thank you God. Not once did I think on looking back to her, the past is the past and I should stop worrying about it so damn much. I can look forward to so many other positive things in life that my previous life became pretty much useless at this point.

Would I even have my memories from Earth and here? That'd be great. If not, oh well, I'd be in Equestria and that's the only place I want to be in. Then it happened, other possibilities started drifting through. What if you don't go there? What if your soul is completely annihilated? Sent to oblivion forever? I started shaking in disbelief, I don't want to go there! I want to keep existing and thrive on a new life which is possible for me to have! I want to do something that I never, not once, got a chance to do! To live a happy life!

I got excited about this and I started to run to make the starvation process occur much faster. Yeah, I would have to suffer just a little bit more, but think of the reward! The reward for waiting this long to go somewhere worth living for! Every brony's paradise!

My run starting turning into a sprint, it wasn't long before I got tuckered out. I sat down and looked dead ahead. There's the way to a happy life, just keep moving forward and deal with whatever comes your way. If it means death to be in a utopia then so be it! I got back up and started running again, I was actually going somewhere.

Somewhere where I belonged.