Saxton Hale Doesn't Go To Ponyville
Hello action fans! If you're reading this fanfiction, it means I didn't punch enough lawyers to stop its production! You might be wondering why I, SAXTON HALE, would want to stop such a thing? Long story incredibly short, there is an incredible lack of fighting bears bare handed or getting into brawls with pigmy war giants! In fact, it's mostly just something happening with a woman in a dress sending a special needs man to laser-pony land!
To the readers of this fiction, I hope you enjoy it, because then at least my lack-of-punching-enough-lawyers did not go to complete waste! And to the writer of the fiction, sleep with one eye open! Saxton Hale is looking for you!
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Ancient walls lay still and silent.
An elder library within sat; filled with bookshelves, lined with forbidden knowledge, old artifacts, and things long forgotten by normal men. Indeed, any number of the esoteric tomes that graced this place held the power to drive the men who could not handle their knowledge to the brink of insanity, while robbing others of their humanity. Dark wisdom, promising power, promising glory, promising might beyond what most men dream...
"Lieutenant Bites, where are yooou? Oh there you are!"
And one of those tomes was being eaten by a raccoon.
A man in a red jacket stepped into the room and picked up a small raccoon that was gnawing on a book. He picked the animal up, and it left the book alone to switch to chewing on his arm. "You little scamp! You shouldn't be in here! This place is magic! You might catch the communism!" He turned around, making his way out of the room. "Let's get you some sour cream, eh buddy?"
Just as he made his way into the main chamber, however, the door busted open, and standing there was a shadowy figure, adorned in an elder, earthen colored robe, eyes glowing with the light of the spirit realm, and head almost disturbingly uncovered by a true hat.
"SOLDIER! I HAVE COME.... for my things!"
Soldier gave the figure an indifferent look. "Oh, hello Merasmus. You do not live here anymore. Please go away."
Merasmus growled. "Fool! This is a Raccoon Sanctuary, so technically it's public property! And that public property currently houses ancient texts the likes of which would drive lesser men mad!"
"Yeah" Soldier shrugged, "There are no pictures, and the pictures those books do have are boring."
Merasmus simply stared at the Soldier silently. "... Of course, I suppose if you were already mad... and it might also be possible that one becomes so much less of a lesser man that it no longer matters..."
"Hah!" Soldier laughed. "I'm twice the man you are! You wear a dress!"
"FOOL!" shouted the wizard, "This is an enchanted robe of eldritch magics! And you cannot even fathom the extent of my power; with but a twitch of my finger, I could make it as if you never were!"
"I hear you talking, but your shamefully bald head does not cash the checks your mouth writes!"
"That is because you hoodlums stole my witching cap!" Merasmus barked. "And I want that back as well!"
"Hah! Tough cookies, I don't have it!" Soldier replied.
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ELSEWHERE
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"---Und you say zhat zhis will give me a bomb head, which I can zhen use to run into my enemies, blow zhem up, and become temporarily invincible?"
A man in a light grey waistcoat, wearing a skull with a single curved horn and eye, turned to a strange, floating book with eyes and a bomb sticking out of it's 'mouth'.
"Yeah, it's real good" said the book. "Give you bomb head, you gonna love bomb head man, pow zoop!"
The Medic grinned and laughed. "Ohohoh! I love magic!"
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BACK AT THE CASTLE
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"Nevermind! I don't need it!" Shouted Merasmus. "I will just grab everything else and leave!"
Soldier snorted. "Fine. Grab your garbage and go. This is a raccoon sanctuary, not a commune, hippie!" Merasmus scowled, but did not respond. He made his way past the Soldier, and down the hall. In his mind, he kept hoping that his mystic artifacts remained in one piece, although he had no intention of holding his breath. As he passed the library, he found himself unable to continue.
"My library of esoteric knowledge!"
Books were scattered haphazardly. Scrolls were in disarray. Pages were torn away from their homes. It was a nightmare. Merasmus' jaw dropped, eyes wide. "My library! What have you done to my library! So much ancient knowledge, treated like... like dental office magazines!"
Soldier stepped up next to him, picking his nose. "Yeah, I never really cared about the libary-"
"Library you fool" shouted Merasmus. "Library! There is an 'R' you imbecile!"
Soldier grimaced. "Merasmus, watch your tone or I will kick your frilly dress from here all the way back to Canada!"
"You don't even know where Canada is, you fool!"
"I know where your ass is, and my foot has been wanting to talk to it for a while!"
"Says the man who talks to his foot on a regular basis!"
"My foot has more interesting things to say than you, you commie!"
"Enough!" Merasmus shouted, throwing his fists into the air, erupting in spectral flame. "Soldier, you have angered me for the last time! I may not be able to destroy you, I may not be able to reclaim my castle, but I can do the next best thing!" Merasmus reached to his side, grabbing a book at random, and pulled it back, peeling it open.
Soldier laughed. "You're going to read me a bed time story! Joke's on you, Merasmus! I haven't slept in three days!"
Merasmus did not even bother responding. "I send you away, Soldier! I don't care where to, I will send you away! Equus Expellus!" Merasmus threw his hand forward, spectral green energy bursting forth, and seemingly hitting the air itself. Where the burst collided, reality itself seemed to tear open, revealing a rift between worlds that began to pull everything towards it. Soldier's feet began to pull from the ground, and he waved his hands around frantically trying to gain purchase.
"No! Must... grab... floor! Must... kick... Merasmus'... ass....!"
It was no use, however; Soldier was pulled into the vortex, and disappeared into it's gaping maw. The vortex then closed itself shut, the hole in space mended, and Merasmus stared forward, silent.
Then he grinned. "At last! I'm rid of that buffoon forever!" He threw his fists into the air. "Victory is mine! The Soldier is gone... FOREVER!"
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"... And that's how Rainbow Dash learned that no means no, and that just because somepony is your friend, doesn't mean they want to be special friends. Fortunately, she didn't do much, and she should only be in jail for a few days, although she will have to go through community service for a month."
The small book closed and was sat on a nearby shelf, a lavender mare sighing and nodding. "Well" she said to herself, "That's this week's entry. I sure hope Rainbow Dash learned her lesson!"
"I'm sure she did" said a small purple dragon as he stepped into the room, carrying a gem that was half-eaten. "I think she just got desperate or something. I'm sure eventually Soarin' will be comfortable around mares again, and will lift the restraining order and everything!"
"Maybe, But I--"
Before she could even continue that thought, in the very middle of the library a hole in the fabric of reality tore open; a swirling green vortex within harolded untold power between realities. Twilight stared in shock and awe of this strange space between spaces. At once terrified, and at the same time, attracted to it.
And then something came out from it and slammed into her, knocking her over.
Twilight groaned, opening her eyes slowly, the sound of somepony speaking immediately catching her attention. "... When I find Merasmus, I will stick my foot so far up his ass that he will be able to taste American soil...!"
Wait... foot?
She knew what feet were.
Twilight turned around to see a sight she feared; a bipedal creature adorned in a red jacket and brown pants with black boots, sporting a darker red helmet that covered his eyes.
"No..." she said quietly, her expression becoming horrified.
Spike rushed to Twilight's side, helping the mare up. "Nonono... No!" Twilight took on a more determined look. "No, I know what to do! I've been preparing for this!" Without another word, Twilight rushed to a nearby cabinet, pulled it open, and withdrew from it a bottle labeled 'Big Mac's Hard Cider Reserve'. She popped the cork, levitated out a glass, poured the fluid into it, then began to drink it down.
The man sighed, looking around. "Oh. A pudgy unicorn. And a dragon. Is it Halloween already?" Soldier grinned and laughed. "Stupid wizard! His spell just made Halloween come early!"
"P-pudgy!?" Twilight whimpered. "I'm perfectly normal weight! I am not fat!" She stomped a hoof, glaring at the Soldier with murder in her eyes. "Look, I don't know who you are, where you came from, or how you got here, but you need to go back to wherever you came from, and now."
Soldier stood in a disciplined stance and saluted the pony. "I am Soldier! I am from the United States of America! And I got here because a Wizard sent me here! So, where am I?"
"Ponyville." Twilight groaned. "Which is located in Equestria."
"Dammit!" Soldier growled. "That cussing cuss word sent me to Canada! I'm going to walk right back over there and shove that stupid dress her wears down his stupid spellcasting throat!"
"Waitwaitwait" Twilight said, tapping a hoof to her chin. "Spellcasting? As in magic?"
"Yes!" Said the Soldier. "It is real! As are ghosts! And Santa Clause!"
"I know magic is real..." said Twilight. "Not... sure what Santa Clause is... and I find ghosts improbable... but magic is definitely real." She grinned. "And, as it so happens, you're talking to the single most talented magician in Ponyville!"
"Oh." Soldier hummed. "... Are you going to tell me not to use your mystical skull-hats as bowls, and ask me to pay my half of the rent on time?"
"What? No!" Twilight grinned, her mane becoming somewhat erratic at points and her smile becoming somewhat unnerving to anything other than the Soldier. "In fact, we're going to get you home as quickly as possible, because we can't have you sitting around in Ponyville trying to eat ponies or beat them up!"
"Oh." Soldier hummed. "... Where can I find some steak?"
"Outside! Right here!" Twilight grabbed a box from seemingly nowhere and threw it outside. "Go get it!"Spike was just about to ask Twilight what she could possibly be thinking... although he stopped when he noticed the biped step out after it, and the door shut behind him. Spike blinked a few times then turned to Twilight, who grabbed her bottle of hard cider and took a big swig from it.
"... What are the odds that that would have worked?"
"Highly unlikely!" Said Twilight, giggling. "Now, let's find that spell book on space-time relocation! I bet I can send him back along the same path he came, but I have to do it soon before the rift completely heals!"
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Soldier stood out in the open, holding the box, staring at it. Silently. Quietly. Motionless. Then, he grimaced as he made a profound realization.
"This is not steak."
As he threw the box down, he let his eyes wander over his surroundings. Thatched Roofs. Rustic village. Ponies milling about, some stopping to look at him puzzlingly, including a particular cream-colored pony with a blue and pink mane, who seemed to start screaming and ran away.
It was worse than he thought.
"I'm in France!" Soldier scowled. He fumed for a few seconds, but if anything, the Soldier was built to adapt; he could survive in the trenches, he could survive (albeit less comfortably so) in France. So, his mission to feed remembered, Soldier made his way to the nearest food stall. A pony stared up at him, with utter confusion on it's face. "Uhh... Excuse moi, pony person! I am hungry! Please deliver to me frog legs and snails that your disgusting country loves so much!"
The pony behind the counter bit her lip, gulping. "Uh... frog legs? Snails? Sir, I am but a humble sales pony of lemons! All I sell are lemons!"
"Unacceptable!" Shouted Soldier. "I cannot survive on hippie food!" With that, he turned around to gaze about the town, and noticed an establishment that looked vaguely reminiscent of a restaurant. So, Soldier made his way towards the building, and pressed the door open, stepping inside. Once within, he noticed several ponies stop eating their food and turn to look at him. Suddenly, one pony screamed.
"Oh no! The Saxton Hail has returned!" she shouted. "He's come to eat us all! In a restaurant of all places! Oh the irony!" Immediately, everypony began to scream and ran away, jumping out windows, rushing out the emergency exit, etc., leaving the Soldier alone.
"Huh" he said. "Well, guess I'll help myself!"
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"I can't find it anywhere!"
Twilight shuffled through various tomes and books. "I know I'd seen it recently, where is it!?" The purple alicorn groaned out loud, placing her hooves on her head. "Noo! He's going to be stuck here forever, and I'm going to have to deal with him, I just know it! I can't do it!" Twilight stared forward. "I'm going to have to change my name. Flee the country! Start a new life!" She grinned a maniacal grin. "I'll be Miss Sparkler Shinybottom! I'll be a wandering salespony who buys exotic and often cursed masks, and on my adventures, I'll be stuck in a backwater little region where I'll send a foal to do all my dirty work for me knowing his chances of success are almost zero! Oh, this is perfect!"
"Twilight" interrupted Spike. The mare turned to her number one assistant as he held up a book.
Teleporting and you; traveling without moving in the space between!
"Oh." Twilight giggled nervously. "Thanks Spike." She took the book into her levitation. "Now, we just have to find that guy and-"
There was a knock on her door. Twilight, curious (and hopeful that it was the very creature she spoke of) opened it, and standing there was, instead, Pinkie Pie. "Twilight!" she shouted. "Another one of those weird two-legged monkey things is back, and he's scared everypony out of a bunch of restaurants, then he ate everything in the Sugarcube Corner because it's the only food he found that wasn't grass and oats, and then he made some sort of weapon from garbage and nopony knows how he did it, now he's trying to claim City Hall in the name of something called 'America!' You gotta help!"
Twilight laughed out loud. "Of course! Of course it won't be easy! No, that would be asking too much!" Immediately, that special reserve cider bottle floated next to her, and Twilight took a deep drink. Pinkie frowned.
"Twilight, you're not drinking again are you?"
"No time! Gotta save Ponyville!" shouted Twilight, placing the bottle in a saddlebag, along with her book, and setting it on her back. "Let's go find that thing and get it the hell out of our world!"
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Ponies surrounded city hall, each worried and afraid. Royal guards stood between them and the building, while a familiar mayoral pony stood at the front, holding a megaphone. She held it up to her muzzle and spoke.
"Please come out!" she shouted. "I'm afraid we cannot meet your demands for a heli-copter or a high speed auto mobile, as neither of those things exist! These ponies are terrified, so please, just come outside!"
The Soldier peaked out of the window. "Not until I get some real food! I demand a steak!"
The mayor leaned towards her aid, whispering. "How would it hurt my approval ratings if I met his demand for steak?"
The pony looked to her and frowned. "About as much as it hurt the animal to make the actual steak."
The mayor held up the megaphone. "I'm afraid we cannot meet your demands! If you do not come out willingly, I will have to send in the guard and remove you by force!"
"Wait everypony!"
The ponies parted as Twilight Sparkle ran through. "Oh, Princess Twilight, thank goodness you're here!" Mayor Mare sighed in relief. "Another one of those 'Saxton Hail" creatures is here, and it won't leave City Hall.
"I've got an idea" shouted Twilight, grinning. "Hey! You!"
Soldier peaked his head out the window.
"I have that thing you really like back at my library!"
The Soldier hummed. "You've got an entire roasted cow?"
Twilight winced, but barely. "Yes! It's in my library! You just have to follow me!"
With that, the door busted open, and the Soldier stepped out, wielding a strange, cylindrical device made from garbage, just as Pinkie explained. "Just follow me" shouted Twilight and she ran. The Soldier aimed the device at his feet and fired; an explosion throwing him into the air, much to the surprise of everypony.
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The door busted open, and Twilight stepped inside, Soldier in Tow. "Where is my roasted cow?"
"Right here!" Twilight's horn glowed, and she focused hard, imagining a tear in reality, and tracing the path between worlds. Suddenly, space ripped open once more, and the vortex was again revealed to Twilight. "It's right in there! Go get it!" Soldier nodded, and began to run towards the hole. Then he stopped.
"Wait a minute!" he shouted.
"What!?" Twilight shouted back.
Soldier turned and looked at her for a few seconds. "You can talk!" Without another word, Twilight turned around and bucked him as hard as she could, sending the Soldier into the vortex, and immediately she focused her magic to forcibly shut it. The library fell quiet, and Twilight stared at the place the hole had just been.
"Well..." said Spike, sighing. "That was... something..."
Twilight grinned. "I'm going to talk to Celestia about passing a law; if anymore extra dimensional bipeds come to Equestria, they're to be speared on sight!" She pulled the bottle from her saddlebag and began to drink desperately from it. Spike sighed and shook his head.
"We're going to have to hold another intervention for you, aren't we?"
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"It will be difficult, but I might actually be able to get my castle back!" Merasmus grinned, looking over the place. "I will simply have to relocate all the raccoons! Or have an actual sanctuary built! I could even apply to become the new park ranger! Detestible, but I am desperate!" He chuckled to himself. "With that simpleton forever banished to another reality, I can finally return my life back to some semblance of normal!"
Just then, a familiar hole opened in space. Merasmus turned to face it, and frowned. "No... no no, it can't be!" Suddenly, his most hated enemy was thrown through, and slammed into him, knocking him down.
They lay there for several minutes. Soldier groaned. "Merasmus, you bastard! You sent me to France!" Merasmus, however, did not respond. "Merasmus? Are you dead? Oh. You're just crying. Stop crying and take the hurt like a man, you hippie!"
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Dear Diary,
I absolutely hate extradimensional visitors! In fact, after this, I think I understand why so many ponies can hate things they don't understand! I've sent my request to Celestia, and I hope she responds, because I don't think I can take another visitor!
Also, I am not fat! Am I? Everytime I ask soempony, they just say there's nothing wrong with me, but they never outright say I'm not fat! Then Applejack said her brother likes girls with a little cushion, and then got really nervous and tried to say that she meant he likes girls with good couches!
Twilight Sparkle
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Dearest Princess Twilight,
I am afraid I cannot approve your request to have royal guards with kill-on-sight orders for extraterrestrial life. While I understand your frustrations, I'm afraid this sort of thing is surprisingly common, and if I were to go along with such a request, it would not be long before the ethics of such a request became questionable. Besides, I sort of promised the Doctor that I would be thoughtful of out-of-worlders, be they from other planets or realities.
On another note, I will be the first to admit that you may have gained a bit of extra weight since you've gone to Ponyville; even relative towards your minor size increase since becoming an alicorn princess. Rest assured, you are still beautiful. Also, I do believe the popular phrase among younger ponies today is that you have 'more cushion for pushin'?' I apologize if that is a bit much, but I hope it helps. If it's any consolation, 500 years ago, most stallions would only marry heavier mares because at the time it was believed they were more likely to bare healthy foals. Even I gained a bit of weight!
All in all, fondest wishes to you, and have a pleasant week.
Sincerily,
Princess Celestia.
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Dear Princess Twilight,
I found it! I found the picture of Celestia from 500 years ago! She tried to hide it from me, but I found it! She didn't just gain a little weight, she got FAT! Not that there's anything wrong with being fat mind you! She just looks like a bunch of marshmallows put together to look like a pony! It's hilarious! I will not be able to let her live this down for another twenty years at least!
Sincerely,
Princess Luna
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Princess Celestia hummed as she read from a parchment. Her day had been long and tedious, but it was finally done. She took off her crown and levitated it towards a poniquin, as well as her royal necklace and shoes, setting them all in place. She sighed and closed her eyes, smiling.
And then, a hole tore open in space and flung something at her.
"Ugh... zhat... did not work quite as I figured it would..."
"Hehehey! It's not a bomb head but you gotta admit it's still a good trick!"
Celestia slowly lifted herself up to bear witness to the strangest thing; a human in a light grey waistcoat, and a strange book with a face and a bomb sticking out of it's 'mouth.' "Oh my..."
The human blinked and laughed. "Ohoh! A talking unicorn! Vith vings! Zhis is absolutely fascinating!"
"It could use a bomb head though" added the book.
Celestia giggled and smiled. "Oh, no thank you."
"Are you sure? It's real good!"
"Of course." Celestia nodded. "And to what do I owe your company, strangers?"
The human laughed. "I vas experimenting vith magic, and wouldn't you know it, I found a spell zhat sent me here! Ah, but where are my manners? I am Medic, and zhis is zhe bombinomicon-"
"I'm a bomb book! I got lots of bombs, it's real good!"
Celestia hummed a bit. "Well... can you go back?"
The Medic's enthusiastic grin wavered a bit. "Ahahah... uh... vell... I'm not sure."
Celestia smiled. "Well, don't you worry. I'll be able to send you back... I just need to check the Canterlot archives. Until then... I think I know just where to send you." She giggled. "My pupil, Twilight Sparkle, has a lot of experience with situations like this, and I'm sure she'd be more than happy to accommodate you until we can get you back home..."
END
