Rough Landing: A Desert Geek's Experience of Equestria

by DrZed

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 27681

A Modern-day Renaissance Man meets Equestria the hard way. Diamond Dogs, Really?

HIE story. Rapidly becoming a comedy of errors.
Our protagonist is a 30 something computer geek into Ponies, Games, The SCA, and Esoteric studies. While heading to an SCA event, he disappears into an epic level dust storm.
Whisked off to the land of Ponies and Magic, only to crash land In a Diamond Dog prison mine.
Great start... just great...
Things will get better, just give it time.

Published 2014-04-25 12:30:04 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-13 02:05:50 UTC

Just Play Dumb

I knew what they wanted. Gems. I knew in my current state I didn't have much of a chance against them... They have my gear, including my sword.... so I played along. I needed to recuperate before I could do anything of use.

Heavy chains were put around my wrists and I was yanked along by Asshole, that being my new nickname for the diminutive canine with a stick on one shoulder and a huge chip on the other.

Tunnels, more tunnels, and oh look at that, more tunnels.

Yes, there were ponies, pulling carts and tearing themselves apart digging for gems. I was saddened and enraged by this but chose to hide it. The right moment will come.

The ponies whimperered, screamed or shrank away upon seeing me. Other dogs growled, yelled and swung sticks, eliciting yelps and a slow return to work. I could still feel the huge eyes of the ponies on me, frightened by my appearance and size.

Asshole grinned broadly, his tongue lolling out as he dragged me along, "YOU WILL MAKE GOOD WORKER, APE THING."

I grimaced and kept mum, numbly following. The less they knew about me the less they could exploit. The filthy chains digging into my wrists already.

Finally I was brought into a large central cavern, draped with what must be tapestries raided from the ponies they had captured. Other dogs sat around the room eating pieces of meat from the torn apart carcass of something... resembling what used to be a pony.

Flat rock platforms carved into the walls around the room gleamed with gold jewelery, piles of gems, and fine, if dirty, pony clothing.

I spotted my belt and pouches on one of the shelves the contents strewn around nearby.

I found it no surprise that all the change was missing, Small shiny coins? to a race that likes shiny things? Yeah.

Finally after being paraded around the room by Asshole I was brought to the center, where a nice looking chair sat upon a raised platform, In that chair sat a fat burly dog, his dirty claw resting on the hilt of my bastard sword.

Of course, The Alpha. He regarded me with one eye, the other missing, crossed by a large scar running across his wrinkled face. "What have you brought to the court of Limestone, the Sharp eyed?"

Shar pei'd? I gritted my teeth and fought down the guffaw I felt wanting to escape, due to the horrid pun.

Asshole stepped forward and grovelled, dragging me down next to him, surpisingly strong, these mutts. "Stonecoat has brought you this Ape thing as a worker."

Stonecoat, huh? I preferred Asshole. It suited him better.

Limestone hopped down from his chair, which I realized was covered by my red cloak.

He ambled around me slowly, "He looks strong, but has no claws, How will he dig?" He grabs my jaw, pulling my mouth open, examining me.

Asshole grinned, "He has the bearing of a minotaur, Great Pack Leader, perhaps he can use their tools."

Limestone nodded, "Fix his injuries. Train him. He will work with the ponies. He has a the teeth of a meat eater, Perhaps it will scare the ponies into working faster." He steps back up the platform and settles his girth into the chair, and onto my cloak.

A bulldog guard steps up, "The Great Limestone has spoken! Send for Basalt to tend to him, then put him to work."

Asshole bobbles his head up and down vigorously mouth hanging open, then yanks the chain, dragging me away.

Alabaster Disaster

The patched me up, crudely but effectively, a bath in dirty water cleaned away most of the blood. then I was dragged back to my cage.

The 'training' amounted to being handed a heavy blunted pickaxe, pointing at a spot on the cavern wall, "DIG!" and then a rap across the back with that damned stick for good measure.

I was slow to begin with. Being a computer tech doesn't give one much of a tolerance for hard labor.

I just collapsed from exhaustion in my cell at the end of the day, smarting from the welts on my back.

Mining is a pain in the ass job. Especially when working with little more than claws and hooves. At least i had a pick axe when on the digging crew so it was less painful to work but still heavy labor. Other days I spent time chained to a mine cart.

I never spoke. Letting on that I was that intelligent would only let them take greater advantage of me.

So I sweated, strained, and toiled, enduring the stares of the ponies, my face an emotionless mask.

I was overweight to begin with, That ended pretty quickly considering the gruel they fed me and the hard labor.

I am 6 foot 4, was 375, and after a week of work had bottomed out at I'm guessing around 250 lbs.

I had recovered most of my health, had gotten used to the lean food, but never let on that I had really recovered.. I was waiting, biding my time.

Then She arrived.

-

I was awoken one morning with the high pitched voice of a mare. a rather distinct voice... I knew that voice.

“Put her in the cage next to the Creature! Maybe that will stop her whining!”

Whining... There could be only one pony.....Then they tugged her into view.

Yes it was her, the ivory white mare, purple and indigo mane in a ragged version of her typical curl. The 3 diamonds on her flank were hard to miss.

I glanced up as they led her, scratched up, dirty, with a cloth gag in her mouth and tossed her into the adjoining cage. She saw me, clothes torn and filthy, bearded, huge in her eyes. She squealed through her gag and scooted to the far corner of her cage. Watching me with pinpoints for pupils. Whether it was my appearance, or the frightful condition of my clothes I don't know.

I looked up at the dogs for a moment, then huddled in the opposite corner, not wanting to frighten my new cellmate, and IMO, best pony... Rarity.

They paired me up with her, She'd keep away from me, but point out where to dig, I'd step in and with my tool I'd liberate the gems from the stone. Still hard labor, but easier knowing where to dig. Even she seemed surprised at how quickly I could pull stones out of the rock.

-

That night...

After the dogs had left us alone, I sat in the middle of my cage, Rarity, still huddled in the corner.

I decided to give it a try...

“psst!”

Rarity groaned softly, lifting her head from it's resting spot across her fore hooves.

“psst!”

Rarity looked up groggily, looking around for the source, when she realized it was me she squealed again and shivered...

“Please don't scream. Keep quiet. I am no monster.”

She lifted her head, and stuttered in a whisper, “Y- Yo -You talk?!” She stared at me incredulously for a moment, then her eyes rolled in their sockets and her head droped to her hooves as she passed out.

Yeah... I could use a nap too....

Building Bridges: Deep Rumblings

I lay back and close my eyes.. till I hear her stirring.

Rarity looks over at me, her pupils still pinpricks, still scared, and whispers, “You... You can talk?”

I remain still, one eye opening just a little to see her, “Yes.”

She lifts her head and crosses her forelegs in front of her, “Why haven't you before?”

I sit up, glancing out the bars for signs of any witnesses, “Why would I want to waste my words on those mongrels? Better they think of me as a dumb beast."

Rarity nods, “Very true.” She then tilts her head slightly, "Why me?"

I look over at her, “I am a friend to ponies, despite my strange appearance. We are working together. You're the first one they've left untended near me. " I tilt my head at her, "And you look like you really need a friend.” I finished in a soft voice..

She blinks, still clearly frightened, but relaxes a little. “Thank you. It doesn't mean I trust you yet, but thank you.”

I nod, “Understood, I am a strange seeming creature from what i've seen of the locals. My name is... Cedric.”

She gives a small smile. “I am Rarity, Ponyville's premiere dressmaker. My friends must be looking for me by now.”

I nod, “They must be. You're an important mare.”

She blinks, “How do you know that?!” She tenses up, and draws back.

I give a small smile, “Nopony else has been given the 'monster' treatment yet, and... your gem finding skill is very impressive.”

She blushes slightly, gives a small smile and brushes at her mane with a hoof, “Why thank you.”

I nod, “More than welcome. You have nothing to fear from me.”

Rarity moves closer to the center of her cell. She seems to be getting more comfortable around me already. A little flattery doesn't hurt.

I stretch. “It's probably best we get some sleep. They'll be expecting more of the same tomorrow. Please, keep this our little secret.”

I grin, "Oh, and what did they call it? Whining?" I wink at her. "Let him have it in the morning, I wanna have a little fun with him."

Rarity giggles softly, “Ooh! I will... Cedric.” she settles her chin on her hooves and closes her eyes, a content smile on her muzzle.

*CLANG CLANG* "GET UP! TIME TO WORK!" Asshole at his best.

I glance over at Rarity and give her a wink.

She smirks, returns it, She rises to her hooves and approaches the gate to her pen, " You uncouth HOUND! You DARE put me in next to this creature! I'll have you know ...."

I slowly stand up as Rarity tears the little cuss a new one verbally. I gotta admire the fire in her.

Asshole is crouching next the door of my cage, paws over his ears, I hear a whine escape from him.

I'd almost feel sorry for the little shit if I hadn't had to deal with his short temper since I got here.

"And another thing...." Rarity takes another breath.

I stretch, eliciting several deep pops from my back. They say sleeping on a flat surface is good for the spine. Bullshit.

Asshole manages to somewhat recover and smacks the bars with his stick, "STOP YOUR WHINING!"

Rarity leaps upon that, "Whining? That's not whining. This is whining..." She cranks it up to 11, letting fly with an agonizing stream of complaints that would shatter glass (if any were nearby).

I practically see Asshole's eyes bug out of his head like a chihuahua getting squeezed to hard. His paws are clamped over his ears and I can hear other dogs down the passageways howling in pain.

After about a minute, I step toward the cage door, giving it a swift kick, making it rattle and shocking Asshole out of his stunned state.

Rarity gets the signal and ceases her tirade, hiding a grin behind her hoof.

Asshole cringes, then shakes himself out, "Beast wants to get away from whining as much as I do."

I glare down at Asshole a low grumble coming from my throat, expectantly waiting....

Asshole's eyes widen and he quickly opens the cages. "Time to work!"

Another tunnel, Another cart full of gems to dig out.

This time Rarity is less skittish around the 'Ape Beast' as the dogs have come to call me.

I've listened to the rumors that have spread about me, Diamond Dogs have some imaginations.

She and I work together, finding and digging gems from the walls. Hard labor, yes , but less painful with a companion.

We are led to another stretch of cavern, already pretty mined out looking. Rarity looks about with some trepidation, knowing her mineralogy skills I suspect she notices the cracks in the cavern wall as well.

Rarity lights her horn and points out a large cluster in the wall near the crack, "ohh that's not a good idea." She turns and starts scanning further down.

I start to follow her, when I feel a familiar sting across the backs of my legs.

Asshole points at the spot with the stick, "DIG!"

A glance at Rarity has her shaking her head. Another smack of the stick, and I just barely hold back from whacking Asshole with the pick axe, Instead I plant my feet, ready the pick axe like a bat and strike the crack in the wall with a powerful swing.

A loud crack sounds as the stone splits further, then a deep rumbling noise. The cave we are in starts to shudder ... dust drifts down from overhead.

The dogs, as well as Rarity and I glance around... small rocks begin shifting and falling as well.

Asshole shouts, “CAVE IN!” and bolts, his tail between his legs

Rarity looks up, stunned, her eyes go wide. "No...."

I'm already moving in her direction, I loop an arm under Rarity's barrel, lifting her up, I start running, small stones bouncing off my back, as the ceiling starts to fall. Dust begins to fill the air, making it hard to breathe.

Rarity screams.

I run as fast as I can, carrying Rarity against my chest, away from the falling rocks, and the choking dust.

Finally the rumbling ceases.

I slow to a walk, breathing raggedly, still cradling the white unicorn against my chest.

She notices her position and a blush crosses her muzzle. "I think we can stop now, dear."

Exhausted, I drop to my knees, putting a hand to the cave floor, then gently lowering Rarity to her shaky hooves.

After she regains her hooves, she looks up at me, “Thank you, Cedric. You saved me back there”

Panting, I cough and take a few breaths, clearing the dist from my lungs. “Miss Rarity, I made a promise to myself I would protect you."

Rarity's expression softens and she touches a hoof to my hand. "Just call me Rarity, darling."

I smile and sit down, leaning against the wall and Rarity settles next to me, both really glad to be alive.

We hear the skitter of claws as the stick wielding mutt runs up. I clam up and watch him approach.

“Ape Beast saved Annoying Pony?” he glances back and forth between the two of us incredulously.

Rarity huffs, “He certainly did more than you!”

Asshole growls and raises the stick.

Rarity blanches (hard to tell on a white pony) and cringes , a whimper escaping her throat as she gives a shudder.

I will not tolerate it.

The mutt swings, and I reach out an arm and take the blow intended for the white mare. I give the dog a withering glare and a deep growl.

He yelps and steps back, fear on his face, then recovers, growling. Infuriated the mutt smacks me in the arms and back several times. “Ape Beast is good digger, Annoying Pony find gems. Take them back to their cages!” he shouts to two of the guard bulldogs who came running up.

I'm leaning against the back wall of my cell, rubbing the bruises on my arm. That little bastard can really swing a stick..... Dogs and sticks, go figure.

One of the guards comes up, “Feeding time!” he brings out two bowls of the slop they call food. “Extra for Ape Beast for saving Annoying Pony.” he unceremoniously pushes the bowls through the cage bars, then proceeds down the hall.

Rarity looks at the gruel with distaste, but her stomach gives a growl...

I scoot forward, and glance at Rarity, “here.” I whisper, taking my bowl and pushing it though the bars between the cells. “Take what you want.”

Rarity cautiously steps over and uses a little of her magic to float a portion from my bowl over to hers. “I don't know how I can thank you for saving me.”

“You don't have to. I couldn't have left you there. Nopony deserves that.”

Rarity gives a small smile and settles down at her bowl. Trying to eat the tasteless mush as daintily as she can.

I bring mine back and quietly eat as well.

We finish our meager meals, settling back on the cold cave floor as the guard dog takes the bowls away

“Cedric?”

“Mm?”

“Tell me about yourself?”

I stretch and look over to her, she's settled in rather close to the bars between the cages, She looks up at me, eyes wide in the darkness .

I scoot closer to the bars myself. “My species calls itself Human. Before I came here I was a....” I struggle for a moment trying to find an analog, “Well I was a helper, I showed people how to use machines, and if needed I fixed it for them.”

“A repair pony?”

“Of sorts.”

She nods, “Thank you again, Sir Cedric.”

I nod "Just call me Cedric, or Ced." I settle back against the cold stone wall of the prison cell. Listening to water drip somewhere nearby.

A white hoof cautiously extends itself through the bars.

I glance at Rarity, she has a small smile on her dirt streaked face, a small ray of light in a dark and ugly place.

I lightly place my hand on the offerred hoof, and give it a gentle squeeze.

The hoof flexes and I feel her gripping back, “My hero.”

I blush though it's hidden by beard and dirt. “Anytime, Rarity, You're safe with me.”

She nods and smiles, she tries to stifle a yawn with her other hoof.

I settle back again, still lightly touching her hoof "Let's get some rest."

She settles her head on her other hoof, and before long both of us are asleep, huddled together, separated only by the bars of the cell.

Resistance

I open my eyes to the dim light in the cage.

For a little while I listen to the slow drip echoing from somewhere in the cavern.

I look down and see that Rarity's still huddled against the bars next to me.

A smile crosses my face as I watch her breathe, looking at peace, even in this place.

I hear noises down the hall, sounds like the day is starting....

I reach down and gently tickle one of her ears with a fingertip, "Wake up, Beautiful."

Rarity flicks her ear, mumbling quietly, "Not yet Sweetie, I need to finish this ordermmmm...." She shifts her front hooves, moving her chin to a more comfortable position.

I sigh, "Sadly, That order's gonna have to wait...."

Rarity's eyes open immediately, "Oh... " She lifts her head, "I see... Morning to you, Cedric." She looks up at me, a flat smile crossing her face, "At least I have a friendly face to wake up to."

I smile, "Look on the bright side, that's the spirit."

Rarity smirks, then rises to her hooves, "Thank you, I'd be beside myself if I were alone here."

I nod, "You're welcome. Glad to help." I get up myself, knees creaking.

Rarity hides a smirk, "Did I hear you call me beautiful? I must look a fright."

I chuckle softly, "Even diamonds get dirty, doesn't change what's inside."

Rarity's cheeks pinken and she brushes at her mane.

At that point I hear footsteps echoing down the hall. "Talk to you later." I whisper and give her a wink.

Rarity giggles softly and nods.

Around the corner come our favorite Diamond Dog, Asshole.

"WORK TIME! " yada yada... He opens the gates.

We're sent back to the site of the cave in, they want us to start digging it out.

I start moving rocks into an ore cart, Rarity picking out small gems and crystals with her magic as we toil.

Some of the stones are too big for me to lift, so I move them to the side.

Asshole growls, "WORK FASTER!" apparently he has a hair up his... well you know. Maybe the cave in counted against him somehow.

I keep moving stones, not really changing my pace, after all I have a day full of this to look forward to.

"WORK FASTER" Asshole waves the stick threateningly.

Rarity frowns, "Oh be quiet!, He's working as quickly as he can!"

"SHUT UP PONY!"

Rarity growls softly... Strange hearing a pony growl. She goes back to picking out gems.

I roll a particularly large stone away from the pile of rubble and slip, landing atop it, hitting my chin on the stone...

Oww! Damn that hurt!

I let off a pained groan.

"GET UP BEAST!" Asshole stomps up and starts flailing at my back with the stick, causing me to grunt in pain.

Rarity stomps a hoof, "Leave him alone!"

"SHUT UP PONY!"

I get to my hands and knees, and Asshole kicks me in the stomach, sending me back to the floor. "GET UP!" He starts smacking my back with the stick.

"I have HAD IT!" Rarity lights up her horn and pulls the stick from the mutt's claw, throwing it down the passageway. "LEAVE HIM ALONE!"

Asshole growls, glaring at Rarity.... then he points to a guard bulldog, "PUT PONY IN HER CAGE!" he punctuates this with a kick to my ribs, leaving me gasping.

Rarity moves forward, "NO!"

"MAKE HER QUIET!" the Bulldog pulls out a dirty rag and muzzles Rarity, who kicks at the guard.

The guard growls, binds her legs and drags her away, squirming and squealing in protest through her muzzle.

I've risen to a sitting position and am clutching my chest. my breathing painful due to my bruised ribs..

Asshole has retrieved his stick, and taps it against the stone wall, "Back to work, Beast."

I nod dully and slowly get back up.

Finally the day's over and I am returned to my cage, a little more bruised, exhausted. Those were some heavy rocks...

I sit down heavily with a groan. I rest against the back wall and close my eyes.

After the guards leave, and we're alone, Rarity looks up, "Cedric?! Are you alright?"

"I've been better." I lean against the bars on her side of the cage, "How about you?"

I can tell she's been crying, what was left of her makeup had run and her cheekfur was matted, and damp. She comes up to the bars and rests a hoof on my arm, "I was so worried!"

I give her a soft grin, "Nothing I couldn't handle."

Rarity gazes at me, lip quivering, "How do you persist? This seems hopeless!"

I reach up, and using the cuff of my shirt sleeve, I gently dry her cheeks, "Shh... It's ok... I'll be fine."

Rarity whimpers softly.

I reach up and gently scratch behind her ear... "I'm stubborn like that..."

She tilts her head and leans into my hand, her frown fading.

"We'll get out.. I know it. Your friends are coming."

Rarity nods slowly, a small smile appearing..

I grin, "Oh, I brought you something."

Rarity blinks, "What?"

I dig into my pocket and remove a few little gems, holding them in my hand. "Would you show me more of your levitation?"

Rarity blinks, and grins, hoof covering her mouth, "Well of course, Darling."

Emancipation

I wake up in the dim light, Rarity is huddled against the bars right next to me, sharing warmth.

I reach down and lightly scratch her ears.

She murrs softly and her eyes open halfway, “Mmm?”

“shhh, It's just me.”

She gives a little smile, “That feels nice. Those claws you have are amazing.”

“Hands, they are called hands. And yes, they are. Humans as a race have made many tools with and for hands like mine. We're quite versatile, as a race.”

We remain like that for a little while, then I pull my hand back as one of the guard dogs approaches. “Time for work!”

Rarity and I are sent to another tunnel. yes, another dusty cave, more hard digging.

After a while Rarity gives a start. “I feel a change in the magic....” she glances around. “Someone's casting major spells!”

Then suddenly there's an explosion far down the passage, the shouting of dogs and the screaming of ponies. And a guard bulldog comes running by “The Guard Ponies have found us!”

Asshole growls, “Take these two away, get them out of here! Move Ape Beast!” Asshole moves closer and raises his stick. He swings it at my arm.

“Not this time!” I growl at him, catching the stick, and pulling it out of his grasp.

“It talks?!” the runt steps back, flabbergasted.

“Better than you!” with that I kick him in the stomach sending him flying into two guard dogs.

”Rarity, We are leaving this hellhole!” I stand up tall and beckon to her, “Follow the voices, let's go! I'll keep you safe!”

The two of us sprint past several guard dogs, I lay in with my digging tool like a club, putting dents in helmets and clearing a way.

As we pass other captured ponies, I slide to a halt and swing the pickaxe, breaking the link in a chain holding a line of ponies together.

Rarity calls out to them, “Everypony Escape! We're Free!” They get the message quickly, some using rocks to smash their tethers, other just tearing the chains from the walls. The other prisoners shrink as they see me but start following a distance behind Rarity as we head toward the sounds of fighting. Soon we have a herd of escapees helping others.

I see the melee and slow down holding up a hand to stop the others, “Wait here!”

I take a deep breath and give a battle cry, while charging forward.

Many of fighting dogs pause as they look back to see the source of the noise. As the dogs see me charging in they panic “APE BEAST IS LOOSE!”

"NOT JUST LOOSE! APE BEAST IS MAD!" I shout back, grabbing a smaller dog and pitching him over my shoulder.

I step into the fray and lay in with my tool, clubbing and kicking the dogs against the sides of the cave, routing them. I halt before I reach the royal guards at the other side. I shout, “CLEAR A PATH! I have free ponies!”

The guards looked shocked at my words but form a shield wall pushing the mutts against one side of the cave. I look back to Rarity and the others and wave them through, “GO GO GO!”

A stampede of ponies charge through the gap and escape.

Rarity stops and looks back “Aren't you coming?!”

I grin, “Not yet. These mutts have some things of mine! Go on, get out of this dirt hole, I'll see you when it's over!”

I scoop up a rusty shield from where a dog abandoned it and begin heading back down the tunnel.

I headed back down a side tunnel and approached the center of the dog's caves, the Alpha's room.

I opened up on any dogs in my path, swinging with the pick and the shield and sending them running away shrieking.

I finally made it to the boss dog's chamber, which was abandoned and grimaced when I realized he'd been using my burgundy full circle cloak as a chair cover, I shook my head at the stains but pulled it on anyway, pulling the hood over my head. I was somewhat grossed out but grateful the hood didn't smell funny.

I also found my hand and a half sword in it's scabbard next to the 'throne' as well. Big fat dog needs a big sword, I guess. I scooped up my belt and pouches, stuffing what I could find of their contents back into them. I threw on the belt and drew the sword, smiling wickedly as four feet of steel blade meet the air.

Glancing around the room I take a quick look at all the loot had been stashed here. I was surprised by the variety, jewelery, pocket watches, fancy hats.. I dug around and found two sets of saddlebags, and loaded up as much as I could carry so they can be returned to their rightful owners. Throwing the bags over my shoulders I headed back out of the cave system, sword at the ready.

Leaving was not easy and blood was spilt, but after a while the sounds of battle had faded, and I walked calmly toward the last place I had seen the Royal guards.

“HALT!” came the booming voice of an armored stallion.

I stopped and sheathed my sword, pulling back my hood “I was a prisoner here as well!”

A group of guards approached me, weapons ready, wary of the tall cloaked figure.

I raised my hands above my head. "I surrender."

“Cedric!” Rarity's voice cut through the tension like a knife. “He's telling the truth! Let him by!”

The guard captain, a white unicorn possessing a blue and white mane and a shield on his flank called out, “Weapons down! Let him through!”

I breathed a deep sigh of relief as the guards moved past me further down the tunnel.

Rarity ran up and I knelt as she hugged me tightly, “You're safe!”

I grinned, “Of course I am, Let's get out of here.”

Fresh Air

Climbing out of the tunnels, Rarity by my side, I stopped and heaved a deep breath of fresh clean air.

Nearby Guards gave me an odd look but went back to business as they marched down to the tunnels.

I stretched my hands to the sky, “I forgot how good being outside felt before!”

Rarity gives a little giggle and leads me onward.

Rarity and I pass lines of pony soldiers, coming up on the camp area, Already freed ponies are lining up to get counted, cleaned, fed and sheltered till they can go back to their homes. Rarity continues ahead as I stop to drop off the saddlebags of recovered possessions at the intake table.

I follow Rarity back to the command center, where she was greeted by the cheers of her friends and family, the Element bearers, Her parents, and Luna. I smiled and watched her get tacklehugged by her little sister, and the rest of the bearers surrounded her. All asking questions.

I undo my sword belt and drop it to the grass beside me, then I gather my cloak and take a seat on the ground a short distance away. Just happy to be out in the open at last. I lay on my back and breathed the clean fresh air.

Rarity told the others of her capture, “I don't think I'd be here if it weren't for him.” she pointed at me, drawing some surprised noises from the group.

Rainbow Dash was the first to react, flapping up and hovering a couple feet above me. “What is 'he' exactly?” She frowns and looks at me suspiciously.

I look up, grin and lightly touch a fingertip to Rainbow Dash's nose, "Boop!" making her cross her big burgundy eyes.

Twilight blinks, a perplexed look on her face, "Is he a variant of Minotaur?"

I waved to the rest, “Hello. ”

Twilight poofed a scroll and quill into existence next to her and started jotting down notes, "He speaks Equestrian too?”

I smirk and undo my cloak, pulling the hood down and trying to rake back the frizzled mess of hair into something a little more civilized...."Close enough to Equestrian, I know it as English."

Rarity smiled, “He's called a Human, he saved me from a cave-in and helped free several other ponies.”

Rainbow Dash recovers from her booping, growls and puts up her hooves in a fighting stance.

"Easy Skittles, I don't hurt ponies." I sat up and pulled away my cloak and grimaced at the state of my peasant shirt, now a dull grey color, tattered and spotted with blood. "Wow, I'm a mess."

Fluttershy flies up to me, a medical kit in her hooves “Are you hurt?”

“Here and there, But I'll live.” I nod to her and pull off what's left of my shirt, letting her tend to my cuts and other injuries. “I'm just glad to be out.” I notice her eyes go wide at the scars up and down my arms as well as a long-healed crescent shaped one across my chest, She pulls out the gauze and tape and begins to wrap some of the fresher injuries.

Suddenly a wild Pinkie Pie appears, I'm tackled flat on my back and my world is full of pink cotton candy mane and speech so rapid I can barely keep up. “ThisissoAMAZING! Awholenewspeciesandarescue! HiI'mPinkiePie! Andthisisgonnabeanepicparty! WelcomebackRarityandwelcometoPonyvilleforallthefreedponies! I'msoexcitedAren'youexcitedMr.Human?"
Pinkie pushes her hooves against my chest, "There'sgonnabecakeandpunchandicecreamandstreamers! Lotsofstreamers!" Pinkie stops for a moment to breathe, she sniffs,"EwwyousmellMr.Humanyou'regonnaneedabathbeforeyougotothe......" Applejack grabs Pinkie by the tail and gently drags her off, still chattering nonstop.

“Pleasure meeting you too Pinkie.” I give her a grin.

Luna approaches, “We are in your debt Sir....”

I duck my head in reverence, “Call me Cedric, Your Majesty.”

Luna smiles and nods. "Sir Cedric."

Fluttershy has finished with bandaging me and gives me a smile. I smile back, inwardly I raise an eyebrow. Normally Shy's petrified of new things, maybe she's like this cause she's acting as a medic, also she approached me rather than the reverse. "Thanks... miss?”

Rarity steps forward, “Cedric, these are my friends:"
“Fluttershy” She indicates the butter yellow pegasus who just patched me up,
“Pinkie Pie” the cotton candy dervish,
“Applejack” she points to the orange mare with the cowboy hat,
“Rainbow Dash” The cerulean pegasus with the chromatic hairstyle, who's giving me the stink eye.,
“Princess Twilight Sparkle” the bemused purple alicorn.
“and Princess Luna” The indigo alicorn with the starry night mane, looking at me with curiosity.

A white filly with pink and white mane pipes up “I'm Rarity's sister Sweetie Bell!”

Rarity smiles, “And Sweetie Bell”

I retie my cloak about my neck and stand slowly, some of the girls gasp as I am about a head taller than Luna.

I bow deeply, sweeping my cloak out with an arm, “It's a pleasure to meet you all.”

Whoof, Yeah, I smell like a gas station restroom after Cinco De Mayo. My own eyes began to water.

I blush and cover myself back under my cloak, “Pardon me, I would appreciate someone telling me where I can find a hot bath? I haven't had one in weeks!”

Pinkie covers her muzzle as she starts to giggle.

Rarity extends a hoof, "I could do with some treatment myself." She then exchanges a look with Fluttershy and I swear I see a spark pass between the two. Rarity squees, “IDEEAH!”

Brony senses tingling, Spa Scene Incoming!

Cleaning up

Roughly five minutes later, Rarity is making a beeline for the Spa, surrounded by her friends including Luna, and dragging me along behind with her magic. And I'm flanked by two guards, A unicorn and a pegasus. The unicorn is carrying my sword in his magic, the filthy shield I grabbed in the mines was left behind.

It's not that I'm unwilling to go, It's that Rarity has such a hate-on for the dirt and grime that got into her fur in the mines that the rest of us are having trouble keeping up. That mare can really move.

I have to thank Luna later for pulling a Princess Prerogative and allowing me to skip the guard's paperwork.

Pinkie is acting like a pink super-ball, bouncing back and forth between me and the group ahead asking me what my favorite kind of cupcakes are, What it's like to have fingers, Why are my hands so freakishly big, Why am I dressed like a hobo, and so on....

I answer, "Bavarian Creme filled Double Chocolate Chip with Fudge icing, or Blueberry Cheesecake with Cream Cheese icing.".... "Pretty neat. They're really useful."... "They just came that way, How would you know if they are freakishly big?" ... "I just crawled out of 2 weeks in a mining prison camp. I bet you'd look just as Bum-tastic if it was you."

Each time she'd giggle and go back to pestering the rest of the girls for a little while.

Passing by other ponies on the way, I got shocked stares, Berry Punch does the 'grab her foal and slam the door shut' thing. It's like some strange creature from another world was.... oh right... That's me.

Anyway, we reach the Spa.

Rarity charges in the entrance, and I clothesline into the top of the door frame. Yeah... I'm 6'4" and Luna has to duck a little to get through the door. Ow, My frigging head...

Not just face pain mind you, I'm flipped feet first through the door and land flat on my back in a breathless, dirty, red-cloaked pile. "OwOOOOFFF."

*gasp*

Fluttershy peeks in the door, eyes wide as I hear Rainbow Dash outside busting a gut laughing.

I groan out after getting back my breath. "Is it night out already? All I can see are stars... So lovely..."

Outside, Luna raises a hoof to refute but blushes and keeps mum.

Rarity turns and looks shocked, "Oh Darling!, I'm so sorry!" I forgot how..." She falters for a moment, "big you are."

From outside a raspy voice gasping in laughter guffaws, "That's what she said!" Thank you Rainbow Dash.... Both Applejack, and Pinkie Pie lose it at that point, joining in the laughter. That's just great girls....

"Just gimme a moment... " I hold my ringing head, "Why don't you get us started?"

Rarity flinches at the thought of all the vicious dirt besmirching her coat. "OH! Of course!"

She steps up to the front desk like she owns the place, considering how she's their absolute best customer it wouldn't surprise me if she held a 49% share in stock. "I need Two Number 7's Stat! One regular and one Princess sized!"

"Mizz Rarity! It is so good to see you! " Aloe (I think, the blue one) replies, "When we heard you were taken, we were terribly worried!"
She taps a clipboard "Normal for you of course, and the other?"

I sit up, head still spinning. "Oy Someone tell Quasimodo to lay off...." I rub the knot on my forehead, this gets any bigger and ponies will confuse me for a unicorn...

Rarity just points at me with a hoof.

Aloe(I think) nods sagely, "Ahh. Mizz Fluttershy? You as well?" She asks of the butter pegasus who's currently checking me for (more) injuries.

Twilight follows, walking in as well, She glances at my new 'horn', grimaces and bamfs(TM) in a rubber water bottle filled with ice.

Fluttershy nods to Aloe(I think) as she clicks her tongue comfortingly taking the ice pack and applying it to my head, I could hug both of the yellow pegasi standing on my lap, they are so damn cute, no wait, that's double vision.

She notices me staring at her a little vacantly, and puts a hoof on my cheek, "Are you ok in there?"

I give my head a shake and my eyes line up again, "I'll tell you later. Thanks, by the way. I'm normally not this accident prone..." I take the ice bag from her.

Fluttershy gives a small grin, "I know, special circumstances." She hops down from my lap and waits for me to get up... Which is a slow process.

Aloe(screw it, the blue ones Aloe to me) watches me stand up, eyes growing wide, "mmm! Not just Princess Sized," She pulls a curtain aside and shouts into the back, "I need a Celeztial Special!" Wow, so the Sun princess has her own tub here, or it's that huge wooden one from the poison joke episode that fits like 5 ponies... Hope she doesn't mind...

I reach my feet, somewhat wobbly and I feel support, looking around me I see a violet aura helping me, "Thanks Twilight..." I give her a little smile.

Twilight gives me a bookish, almost overeager grin, "I cant just let you fall over and injure your head again, I have too many questions to ask!" She bamfs in a notepad and quill... Right.

"Can it wait till my brains are less scrambled?" I grimace a little and tap the ice pack on my noggin.

"Oh! Of course! Later, definitely later..." Twilight interrogation averted... for now.

Rarity moves past the curtain, and I start to follow her, when Aloe raises a hoof to my shin, stopping me. "You can't go back zere like zis."

Rarity comes back out, "Is there something wrong?"

Aloe points me to a changing screen nearby, "Please disrobe over zere"

The Ringing has subsided for the moment, and I can stand on my own. I blink, "Umm, Then I need a towel, a big one, Can you accommodate?"

She smiles, "But of course!" She blinks, "But why?"

"Let's just say I'm not built like your average stallion, Things... are more... out in the open, and that's why I have pants..."

Aloe blushes as she pulls out a large blue towel, and hands it to me.

Rarity and Fluttershy are blushing as well. Twilight... is taking notes...

"Thanks a lot." I hunker down behind the screen and take off my clothes, well, what's left of them. I lay the cloak over the screen, "Could somepony see about getting this washed? It's like my only decent piece of clothing left, and it wouldn't be proper to wander about with nothing on." Finishing that, I dump the rest into a basket nearby and wrap the towel around my waist.

I take a deep breath, "well here goes nothing..."

The rest of the girls, including Luna, have entered while I was disrobing. All eyes, (headmath) 16 of them, are on me as I emerge.

Some gasp, Some stare in disbelief at the scarred lines crisscrossing my work-hardened arms and legs and the old crescent shaped scar on my chest. I am not sure but I think some are lingering on the towel too. Luna, on the other hand, err hoof, looks impressed, being a warrior from way back, I imagine she can tell how much of a beating I have taken, and can take.

I remain still, fists resting on my hips, After about half a minute I grin, "ladies, my eyes are up here." I wink and step through the curtain.

It's is nearly impossible to describe the feeling of a hot bath after enduring weeks of hell. It's something you have to experience for yourself to truly appreciate.

After already having practically scrubbed myself to the bone, I was sunk in the deep tub(I was right, it is the one from the Poison joke episode) up to my neck, arms and legs gently drifting under the bubble covered surface. The heat seeped into every muscle, and I was relaxed for the first time since this inter-dimensional trip began. I sighed deeply and rested my head against the side of the tub.

Rarity, soaking in a pony sized tub nearby giggled softly, "Feeling better Darling?"

I smile, "Worlds."

Fluttershy chimes in from the tub next to Rarity, "How's your head?"

I grin, "Still attached, so that's good. I'd say most of the pain is gone."

Fluttershy smiles, "The Twins used an herbal remedy in your bathwater they bought from Zecora, A zebra who lives in the Everfree Forest.

I turn and rest my arms on the rim of the tub, looking at the two, "Remind me to thank Zecora the next time I see her."

Fluttershy smiles and nods,

Luna is nearby, as well, "Cedric? is it?"

I scratch my chin through my absolutely unruly beard, a clean beard, yes, but still way out of control. . "Call me Ced, Your highness." I bow my head to her.

Luna smiles, "In that case, Call me Luna."

I nod gazing at her, "As you wish."

She replies with a soft smile, "Ced, are you aware of how you got here?"

I nod, "Hmm, In a word, No. In a short paragraph, I was driving to an SCA meet, It's a place where my kind dress in old timey outfits and pretend it's a cleaner, less religious extremist and disease ridden version of the age of Chivalry. I was on my way when I ran into this giant dust storm, and the next thing I remember is this little prick of a dog beating me with a stick I later broke over his head."

Rarity oohs, "Ohh your kind, you mean humans, love to dress up?"

I smirk, "Certain portions of the population enjoy making costumes, and meeting with others that do the same or similar, I was going to take part in the War they were holding.

Luna looks surprised, " A war! Humans fight each other?"

I shrug, "All the time, but I'll explain that later, This is more akin to a sporting event, where blunted or padded weapons and padded armor are used in mock combat. Blows are still traded, but it's based on a point system as opposed to bloodshed or death. Two armies, or teams of combatants, form lines, face off and fight. Many do it for the exercise and the thrill. Nowadays, for humans, it's both a lot safer for people in general and more dangerous for them at the same time. We're competetive, and this is one way people work off the tensions of modern living."

Luna has a slightly confused look on her face, "The blade you carry is not dulled or padded."

I nod, "It's also not meant to be used in combat, it's more of a realistic costume piece... Well," I glance to the side, "Not until recently."

Luna nods, "Defending yourself and my ponies. I do not look darkly upon you for using your blade to protect others."

Rarity nods, "Those Dogs were simply dreadful, I am sure I would not have survived if not for you Ced."

I smile, "At your service milady..."

I hear a quill scratching and glance over to a third tub nearby, where Twilight had already burned out one quill and this one was starting to send up a wisp of smoke. "You get all that, Twi?"

Twilight was magic writing as fast as she could. "Yes!"

Luna tilted her head,, "You say it's safer for humans but also more dangerous? what do you mean?"

I nod, "In developed countries, there's general safety, healthcare, and being attacked is rare, Unfortunately there's an inequality, You could say my world is currently ruled by money, whoever has the most, makes the rules. As of last year, about 5% of the people on Earth, my planet, posess over 80 percent of the money. They use it to push their own agendas, it's an ugly situation. They start wars, real ones with killing and all that.... and aside from the wars, it's... difficult because almost everybody who can has to work just in order to survive, It's slavery without chains. I'm almost glad I'm here." I look down.

Luna and the rest look aghast, Even Twilight's quill has stalled.

"It's not all doom and gloom, The average person is generally decent to others, treating them as they would themselves, And it's clear that the money system is starting to collapse and those responsible for the bad parts are being held up to scrutiny. We've made a ton of advancements. Technology is bringing the world closer together, you can talk to almost anyone from almost anywhere on the planet, Medical science has the ability to eliminate disease if it's unleashed. The planet has a.... well for a lack of a better way of putting it, an invisible library stored on millions of computers around the planet that contains the answer to practically every question you could ask of it."

Twilght's mane practically stood on end as she heard that. The quill she was using burst into flame, She quickly dropped it into the bathwater where it expired with a hiss and she bamf'ed another into it's place.

"People are more connected now than they ever have before, and some groups are starting to use that to make great changes. We just have to realize that we need to assert our freedoms before they can take away any more."

Luna, wide eyed, nods, "Thank you Ced."

I grin, "I'm here all week, and for the foreseeable future. And I'm getting pruny...." I look at my hands, "Time to get out."

I turn away from the girls, and stand up while pulling the towel around behind me, and realize I'm facing Pinkie, Dash and AJ, Who were sitting behind me listening "OH!... Hi!" I quickly cover up.

*Sproing* A pair of Cyan wings spread out all of a sudden, and the three mares attempted to change their fur colors to red by the power of their cheeks alone.

Pinkie whispers, "Out in the open....So that's what he meant....."

Author's Note

I think things are starting to get better, Writing this chapter was easier and hopefully it's got plenty of comedy for everyone as well as a few moments of seriousness

Thanks for reading and say something if you feel like it!
DrZed

Dude, Where's my car?

A little after that crash course in Human anatomy I inadvertently gave to pony Moe, Larry and Curly (AJ, Dash, and who'd ya think? Pinkie), I was resting on a long low bench, towel still wrapped around my waist, with a cup of soap foam, scissors a straight razor and a mirror on a table next to me.

It took a little discussion and arrangement to get the razor as the only place that ponies would need such a thing is the hospital. Thankfully Luna and the girls were quite helpful.

I hummed softly to myself as I started hacking away the heavy brush that had been crawling up my cheeks like Kudzu for the last two weeks.

Rarity was soaking in a mud bath wrapped in seaweed, cucumbers over her eyes, Interestingly enough Luna was doing the same. the rest were arranged around the room, Twilight, AJ and Fluttershy were soaking their hooves, Dash and Pinkie were near, Pinks had gone back to being her usual bouncy self, but I have to admit, Embarrassed Pinkie is absurdly cute. Every time Dash looked in my direction I noticed her blue muzzle turn pinkish.

Twilight was going over her notes, "You mentioned driving, What did you mean by that?"

I blinked, "Oh right, I was in my car, heading to the meet."

"What's a car?"

I paused, realization smacking me in the face "my car... Oh crap. "

Luna tilted her head magicking one of the cucumber slices up so she could see. "What's wrong Ced?"

I reach up and lightly touch the line on my scalp that I discovered when I had first woke up, "Well I can only assume given the damage I had taken that I had been in an accident, and that my car's somewhere out there, hopefully in at least one major piece."

Luna starts, "That would explain the report my sister received of a strange event in the Whitetail Woods. The guards were informed of a loud boom, and investigated. After two days they found a strange black carriage tangled in dense brush. Per their Sergeant's orders it's been stored in a in a barn nearby until it can be investigated further."

"You found my car?" I breathe a sigh of relief.

AJ looks up, "That thing is yers? Those guards stuck that thing in one of the outbarns at Sweet Apple Acres. Ah mean ah appreciate the bits offerred to store it, but it's so big ah cain't use that barn fer nuthin else!"

I nod, "Well I hope it wasn't damaged too badly. If it's ok with you ladies, I really need to check it out, I have a couple changes of clothes in the trunk, my sca armor, my tool chest, cooler and... My laptop computer!" I grin and then wince, "I really hope that wasn't damaged. I may be able to give you a taste of my world. I just hope it made the trip."

I swear I saw Twilight brighten up about three shades, "Is that one of those computers you mentioned that has the library?!" She grins, and bounces on her hooves, splashing the stuff she'd been soaking in on the floor, "Eeeee! Oops!" She blushes.

Dash chuckles, "That's our egghead!"

Luna giggles softly, "I'll let my sister know, I'm sure she'd be interested in meeting you, and seeing something of your world."

I lather up my cheeks and throat, a little excited now that I realize I can take stock of what I really had. I unfold the razor, and cautiously begin shaving, not having used a straight razor before.

*nick* "ow!" *grumble*

I finish the process trimming down to the Van Dyke style I prefer.

Meanwhile, the rest complete their spa treatments.

Aloe(blue) comes up with a large bundle of cloth on her back, "Your cloak is clean, sir, as well as the rest of your clothes, Zey could not get ze stains out of your ozer clothes, and zere are many holes in zem, but zey are ready for you."

I smile to her, "Thank you, miss...?"

"Lotus blossom" She smiles.

I stand, err sit, corrected.

"Thank you miss Lotus Blossom, You have a wonderful spa. I feel like a new man."

She blushes, "Thank you Zedric.", and then sets the bundle next to me.

I get up and jump in the shower, having to bend down quite a bit to fit, but I wash the stray clippings off and use the stall as a changing room, I don my boxers, pants, shirt, and boots wrapping the lot with my cloak, tightening the belt around my waist.

Finally I meet up with Luna, and the mane 6 in the lobby of the Spa.

Rarity comes up to me, and I kneel down, "How are you?"

Rarity smiles, "I feel so much better!" She primps her mane and flicks her tail, "You look better too."

I nod, "Thank you, I don't know how I can repay you"

Rarity fixes me with those large blue orbs, "You already have, my hero. "

I blush and gently scratch behind her ear.

She giggles softly, reaching up with a hoof to hug my arm.

The rest of the girls are watching, Fluttershy emit's a soft "Aww."

"Get your claws off her, monster!" I hear a rough voice say... Aww crap.

*FWOOSH!* My world is suddenly wrapped in green flames and pain.

"SPIKE! NO!!" is the last thing I hear before hitting the floor.

Sunny Surprise

Ow. just freaking ow...

The tile floor seemed especially hard this time.

As I begin to recover, I rub my cheek and realize, well so much for the beard. Thankfully my skin's not burned, but I am missing my eyebrows. Further investigation shows that I'm now partially bald in the front, Crap, Maybe I can find a decent hat to cover it till that grows back.

I open my eyes and... spearpoints? I follow them to their sources... a phalanx of guards forming a circle around me.

I put up my hands. "I surrender!"

I look further up and see... Celestia, looking at me with concern, and bright stained glass windows... huh...

I grimace, "I'm not in Ponyville anymore am I?"

Celestia giggles, "Indeed you're not. Cedric" She raises a hoof, "Stand down."

The guards bring up their spears and return to their positions around the throne room.

Celestia floats a hastily scrawled note from Twilight over to me. I note that it's in some form of script I cannot read, "My student says you've been a perfect gentlecolt, good-natured and cooperative even when dealing with some of the discomforts Generosity has put you through. I must thank you for being there for her and helping her escape from the Diamond Dogs. "

I breathe a sigh of relief as I get up. "Whew... " I take another look and see a crowd of haughty looking unicorns eyeing me with various expressions of distaste, some changing to horror as I reach my full height, standing roughly half a head taller than their Solar Princess, only outmatched by the tip of her horn by an inch or so.

I turn back to Celestia, "Glad to be of service your Highness." I bow.

Celestia smiles, "I do apologize for Spike's actions. He is very young and rash still."

I shake my head and smirk, "Quite the introduction. Luna said that you were interested in seeing me, but I wasn't quite expecting it this quickly."

Celestia raises a hoof and covers a snicker. "Luna and the Elements of Harmony are coming here to join you. How can we accommodate you until then?"

I blink, thinking about it, and then my stomach growls like a bear... blushing, I give a weak smile, " What time is it?"

Celestia smirks, "It's late afternoon, perhaps some dinner will put you at ease?"

I can feel my mouth watering already, "Yes please."

Celestia nods, and taps her hoof on the dais, "This session of Day court is closed. If you have further business, Please take it up with Princess Luna during the Night Court or with me tomorrow." She announces.

The unicorns grumble with one or two protesting, but file out of the doors. which are closed by the magic of the unicorn guards posted outside.

Celestia breathes a sigh of relief. "I have to thank you for giving me an excuse to finish early, I'd had it up to here with property line disputes and tax breaks for the nobles" She raises a hoof to the level of her muzzle.

"Heavy is the head that bears the crown milady." I give her a grin, "Shall we perhaps partake of some cake?"

Celestia's face brightens like her proverbial sun, "I like the way you think, Cedric."

"Call me Ced."

"Shall we, then Ced?"

I bow, "Lead the way, milady"

The Dining hall:

After Celestia and I are seated, her of course at the head of the table, Unicorn waitstaff appear coming up to the princess.

Before he arrives, I figure it best to get this part of the whole 'human' thing out of the way quickly, "Princess? Forgive my ignorance, but what intelligent species are omnivores?"

Celestia blinks, " Well among ponies there are the Alicorn, Pegasi, Unicorn, and Nocturne. Among other races there are Gryphons and, Minotaur. Dragons, and Diamond Dogs are lithovore as well as omnivore. Are humans omnivores as well?"

"Oh!" *whew* "Yes, as a matter of fact. I just wanted to clear that up before I offend someones sensibilities by requesting meat."

Celestia smiles benignly and nods to the waistaff, "Pepper, What is Chef Ladle's special today?"

Pepper Mill (yes, he had one on his ass.) smiles broadly, "I am pleased to announce that today's special is quite exotic! Cuts of slow roasted chicken, marinaded in a sweet and tangy Neisian sauce, Served over a bed of Vegetable fried rice, with dumplings, and cabbage rolls. We also have egg drop soup, cheesy potato and onion soup, sandwiches and everything else on the regular menu." He magics a menu over to me.

Looking up and down it for a bit, I am grateful they have pictures, cause I cant read this, I have to guess they went with this so that other creatures could just point to what they want as well.

Celestia smiles, "The special sounds delightful" She places her order.

I nod, "One double order of the special, some of the potato soup and when I finish with that I may get more. I haven't had a decent meal in at least a week."

Pepper Mill nods, "Not to be rude, but you look it. Trust me, by the time you leave here you'll be well fed." he smiles, taking the menu back and heading into the kitchen.
_

All I have to say is...

Oh. my. god.

_

Tea and Conversation.

So... as a recap,

I have been transported to Equestria.
Crashed my car into a bush. Got knocked out.
Captured by Diamond dogs as a mining slave for several weeks.
Meet Rarity.
Busted out of the mines, helped rescue a large number of captive ponies.
Ran into the spa(literally)
Explained some of my world to the mane 6 and Luna,
And then was dragonbreath transported to Canterlot.
Had dinner with Celestia.

And Now...

Celestia had taken me to her private quarters after dinner and I had been telling her the tale of my arrival.

She giggles, "A little to the left, you've almost found the spot." *sigh* "Oohh right there! Ahhh... that's the stuff."

Ponies of all tribes apparently like hands, probably because hooves aren't all that good for ear scratches. Yes, I was turning the god Princess of Equestria into a puddle with ear scratches.

I swear she was kicking one of her legs like a dog, It was really cute.

I chuckled, "So do you always take strange aliens into your chambers, or am I a special case?"

Celestia gigglesnorts, her head resting on my chest, "Rarity tells me you are a kind being, and that you protected her, and she mentioned your hands. I find your casual manner with me refreshing, Most ponies would be petrified to be even close to me. You really seem unafraid."

I nod, "While have I explained some of my world, there's a factor that I haven't, I figured it would probably best be kept a secret. My world has an author who must have visited, or maybe has seen it in dreams, but my world knows about Equestria. As a fictional land."

I felt her tense up and my fingers go back to that spot in between her ears and gently rub, and she calms a bit, "while I'm sure there's no military interest in your world there's legions of fans of this world and your subjects in my world."

Celestia looks up at me with those big eyes, " How much do you know?" She does look concerned.

"Well I mentioned tv shows and the like, the show was originally intended for little girls, but the writer who started the series was actually well known for her shows having broad appeal though all age and gender spectrums for being imaginitive, well written and having pop culture references. I discovered it shortly after the first season, and have been watching for three or four years now. I know that Luna was saved from being Nightmare Moon, by Twilight and the rest of the bearers of the elements, I know about Cadence, the wedding and "changeling invasion, the return of Crystal Empire, and most recently the return of Tirek and his defeat. The show follows Twilight mainly on her adventures and is interspersed with ones following the other bearers and the Cutie mark Crusaders."

Celestia giggles again, "I've heard tales from Twilight about those three."

I nod and lightly brush her ethereal mane with my fingers, It is hair, very fine hair and the slight waving effect actually appears to be a magical aura around it "Yep they're a three filly wrecking crew, it's a shame they won't realize that they just need to do what they love and the marks will come to them"

Celestia nods, "Very wise of you."

I lift a teacup and drink some of the jasmine and hibiscus brew, delicious. "Well, after seeing Applebloom essentially rebuild a tree house, and brew a love potion, Scootaloo pulling off tricks any pro scooter would trade a leg to be able to do, and hearing Sweetie belt out a tune, you can only see so much of them trying crazy shit like ziplining, and skydiving, watching the inevitable outcome of them ending up covered in tree sap before you come to a few conclusions along the way."

Celestia smirks, "and the others?"

"Twilight's a bit neurotic, but she uses it to great effect much of the time, She needs to learn to relax more"

"That's what I've been trying to tell her." Celestia floats over a teacup and takes a sip.

"Applejack is loyal and a dependable friend but has a stubborn streak a mile wide. She hates being wrong.
Fluttershy's stronger and braver than she really lets on, I mean who else can give an adult bear a neck adjustment?
Rainbow is an amazing stunt flier, but headstrong. She'd be great Wonderbolts material if she let her ego deflate some, and played as a team member.
I'm of the opinion that Pinkie's a good natured chaos elemental in earth pony form, Before that I thought she was a group of changelings that created her as a means to generate love, but the mirror pool killed that idea..."

Celestia blinks, "I recall that letter, One Pinkie Pie is more than enough." She gives me a smile, "you left one out..."

I blush a little, "You got me, "Of the six, Rarity's my favorite. While she is prone to infatuation, she comes to her senses pretty quickly. She's an artist, and a sharp business owner that attracts the elite despite of her humble beginnings and small town location. She's truly a self made mare."

Celestia smirks and bats her eyelashes, "What of me?"

I smile and continue to rub between her ears, "Well you're at the top of the heirarchy, You and Luna, you're both gorgeous ladies and I suspect lonely when you're not being pestered by the Canterlot elite, and of course your royal duties. All that bowing and scraping has to get annoying at times."

She snorts, rolling her magenta eyes, "tell me about it..."

"You've also been around for a long, long time. so I suspect you have a taste for the unusual. I don't know how or even if I can go back, but while I am here I wouldn't mind spending time with you and Luna. Friends?"

Celestia smiles and nuzzles my cheek, such a soft touch. "I would be proud to call you a friend" She lifts her head, "As the only representative of your species, you also will play a role as ambassador. I believe your unique perspective may be just what's needed to shake things up and possibly solve some of the issues that never get settled."

I grin and nod, and she rests her head back on my chest, "I do have some ideas and experiments I would like to try. While earth itself isn't magical to the naked eye I have seen pieces of 'technology' that..."

Celestia's chamber door is suddenly pushed open with a burst of ebony blue magic, "Sister, We were told the human is in here with you..."

And with that Seven sets of eyes come to rest on me, chilling with the solar Princess. A collective gasp spreads between them.

I grin, "Hello Ladies! How was the ride up?"

"..."

Author's Note

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Logic?

A nebulous cloud of dark blue magic enwraps my hand and pulls it away brusquely, "What are you doing to my sister!?"

"Ow! hey, I wasn't hurting her if that's what you were thinking!"

Celestia sighs and raises her head, her horn illuminating, my hand suddenly feeling like it's holding a live electric wire as her magic competes with and overpowers Luna's, releasing control of my hand back to me, "He and I were having a nice conversation over tea, Sister. I highly recommend you let him treat you to an ear rub." She says this with a soft smile.

I blink, and start laughing loud and hard, having come to a realization,

This of course derails all the ponies lines of thought as they stare at me like I just went off the deep end...

Rainbow Dash swoops over to within a foot of my face and glares at me, "What's so funny?"

I gasp for a moment or two, "Well.... Ahem! There are two possibilities here. "

Rainbow crosses her hooves, "And those are..."

After a moment I continue, "The first one that appears to be the popular vote is that I forced Celestia into this somehow unwillingly, while managing to avoid being blasted to ash. I'd have to deduce by that line of thought that the group thinks either I'm much more powerful than I let on, or you lack the confidence in your Solar Princess to the point that you think she can't defend herself."

I think I heard a pane of glass break as the looks of shock around the room tell me this might be accurate. Rainbow is so stunned that she forgets to flap her wings and ends up landing in my lap.

I gently put an arm around Dash and start using my magic fingers on her ears, which makes her go from struggling to limp with a suddenly peaceful smile on her muzzle within a few seconds.

"The second one is that Celestia is enjoying my company and that the gorgeous Princess of the Sun can do whatever pleases her. " I give the princess a wink, this lights a fire under Celestia's cheeks, the calm smile transitioning to a grin.

I stop scratching Rainbow's ears and release her, "Aww why'd you stop?" She whines.

I chuckle, "I rest my case. I'd no sooner be able to overpower Celestia than I would be able to raise the sun on my own." I go back to gently scratching Dash's ears. "However I am finding that few ponies can resist a good ear scratch."

Blissful Dashie is almost as cute as Embarrassed Pinkie.

"As I told Rarity when I first meet her, I am a friend to all ponies, both Great... and Awesome." I lightly trace a fingertip around one of Dash's ears as I say the "A" word.

Dash's muzzle flushes pink as well.

Luna steps forward with a pensive look, "I do believe I owe you an apology, Ced."

I shrug with a grin, "Don't worry about it." I end Dash's exquisite ear torment, and help set her back on her hooves. "Celestia? weren't you going to make an announcement?"

Celestia recovers and nods, "I will have to file the paperwork with the Royal Society, but as it's only representative, Cedric here is now the official Human ambassador to Equestria, with all the rights and priviledges therein.."

I raise a fist into the air in triumph. "Yay, I got a Job!"

Discussion and Arrangements

The girls (my unofficial name for the mane 6) all giggled at my exuberance, then took up seats in a ring around Celestia and myself, while Luna sat down next to me on my other side.

Celestia smiles benevolently, "I'm happy we could make your situation better Cedric."

I chuckle, "I'm glad to be of service." I slowly reach over and lightly stroke the princess of the night's neck, near her mane. I feel her neck twitch, then relax as she smiles to me.

Luna tilts her head and leans into my hand, and I reach up and begin to scratch near her ear, her starry night mane flowing around my fingers as she sighs contentedly, "You are correct Sister, Ced is very skilled with his hands. We are pleased."

Celestia giggles softly, "Yes, perhaps we should also give him the title of 'Royal Ear Scratcher'"

I smirk, "There's more to me than just a pair of hands ladies, As I was mentioning before I have seen technology that has been kept hidden on my world. I have experimented with it myself with a business partner and have discovered some interesting effects. Considering the results of the tools, The closest thing we've been able to determine is that it affects the subtle energies of an area or a target the closest thing to it are tales of the wizards of old, which involve magic. I live in a highly industrialized world, where science is the rule. but what these things do cant quite be explained with current knowledge, We've only just begun to delve back into magic, but it's referred to as quantum mechanics and the like."

Twilight has been recording this as I speak, "Quantum mechanics? please explain."

"Well before I can start there, are you familiar with the concept of matter?"

Twilight nods, "Matter is what makes up everything. It's composed of tiny particles that cluster together and those make up the material of everything"

"Correct, Now what Scientists on my world have found through research, observation and high energy experiments is that matter is primarily composed of empty space, a central core called the nucleus and a cloud of very tiny particles. then nucleus contains particles called protons and neutrons, and the cloud is made up of electrons."

Twilight smiles, "Yes. We have found something similar with the theoretical Thaumatology."

"Well Quantum theory and experimentation has proven that the components of those particles exist in a quantum state, which means that they are constantly popping in and out of this dimension"

Rainbow rubs her forehead as if in pain, "Wow, this is deep egghead stuff." Pinkie and AJ have both spaced out somewhat as well.

I chuckle, "Ok enough brain bending for now."

Twilight deflates somewhat, the quill stopping.

"I'll be happy to talk with you more about it Twilight, I will need some materials and we can experiment together. "

Twilight grins, reinflating, "What do you need?"

I tap my now bare chin, "See if you can gather a spool of heavy gauge copper wire, a vice, a torch, and silver core solder , thanks a lot. I should have the rest of what we need in my tool chest in the car."

Twilight nods, and pops the quill and scroll away after scratching down the list.

Celestia tilts her head, "I believe that it would be best for you to dwell in Ponyville. You're strange and new and Ponyville is quiet and close enough to bring you in to consult. I will have the Mayor set up a house for you. For the time being however, Can any of you girls take him in?"

Rarity and Twilight raise their hooves.

I hmm, "Honestly Twilight, I'd preferr to have where I am working separate from where I sleep. I appreciate the offer and I'll be there much of the time anyway, but I've had bad experiences doing that before."

Twilight nods.

I turn to Rarity, "Are you sure?"

Rarity bats her eyelashes, "Darling, If I had any doubts I wouldn't have raised my hoof. I have a storage room upstairs that I can clear for you, and you'll need a whole new wardrobe." She giggles, "I cant wait to see the fashions of your world!"

Celestia smiles, "Now that that's settled, Shall I have a servant bring up some snacks?"

A chrous of approval meets her.

Pinkie bounces into my lap and rests her hooves on either side of my chin. "You know what this calls for?"

A chorus of female voices, "A party?"

"Not just a party, A Welcome to Equestria party!" The pink chaos elemental hops off my lap and produces her party cannon... from her tail as best I could tell, Unless she has some kind of magical teleporter up her plot... and fires it off spraying the room in streamers, balloons and launching a fully formed and frosted cake onto a table with "Welcome to Equestria" written on it... I guess, cause it's written in Equestrian. which reminds me.....

"Umm, Twilight? Before we work together, I think you need to teach me to read Equestrian...I can teach you my language as well."

Twilight's mane frizzes a bit in her excitement, "A new language too?" She squee's in educational glee.

Nerdy Twilight is also cute.

Waking Dream

~~~

*drip* *drip*

I lift my head and look around...

Stone floors, and heavy bars....

Dirt and rags. My hair is long and filthy and my beard is back.

It was just a dream?

I try to stand but I am numb, like my limbs don't want to respond. I manage to make it to my hands and knees.

I look to my right, Rarity's cell, empty.

I drag myself to my feet, and stretch....

Then fall to my knees.

I'm still in this subterranean hell.

How long has it been?

From the length of my hair and beard I cannot tell other than it is longer, Much longer.

I crumple to the floor covering my face with my hands, tears rolling from my eyes...

I never got out.... I never meet the girls... They don't even know I exist....

A deep pained moan escapes me as I sob... I am never going to get out of here.

I hear a noise up the hall...

I remain still, shuddering as I realize I will be put back to back breaking work.

No way to end this....

I hear the clopping of hoofsteps coming up the hallway....

Finally they come to a stop outside my cell....

I wipe my face for what little good it does and look up.

The Princess of the night gazes at me with a small quiet smile on her muzzle.

"Luna?"

She nods, "So this is where you hide yourself in your dreams?"

I sit up, the shock of realization hitting me hard, "This is.. a dream?"

She swings her horn and the bars vanish around me, as does the hard stone floor. Replacing it is a location I recall from a camping trip, I am sitting upon a large flat stone, by which a small stream flows, the trees from memory surrounding me, the sounds of the wind blowing through the trees.

Luna smiles and comes closer, "This is much better..."

"How could I be here? This is earth."

Luna steps up and gives my cheek a gentle nuzzle, "You can be anywhere you want in your dreams..."

I smile and put my arms around her neck, "Thank you. I thought that...."

She nods and puts a foreleg around my shoulders."You fell asleep shortly after the party began, Considering what you've been through, it was agreed to let you rest. However, I could not just let my new friend suffer from nightmares...."

"I am honored to hear you call me a friend."

Luna giggles softly," You may be strange, but I know what it's like to be alone. Nopony should suffer that."

I nod softly as I reach up and gently run my fingers through her night sky mane.

Luna gently pushes me back, "Your friends are waiting for you." She raises a hoof and lightly touches my nose, "Boop!"

~~~

I am surrounded by warmth, a gentle weight pressing down upon me. I try to lift an arm and it's held down by a weight as well. I slowly come to, the sun just beginning to stream in through the windows. In the dim light I see Luna standing near, a smile of amusement on her muzzle as I take in the situation.

I am surrounded by ponies, Rarity is lying to my left, so her head is resting across my chest, and all the other girls all fell asleep cuddling up to me in a pony pile, Twilight is on my right side, Pinkie is sprawled across my legs, I glance up and I see butter yellow, Dash and AJ are near my feet, all still asleep.

I blink in a little confusion at Luna.

"They saw you were disturbed during your rest. Rarity was first, then the rest followed."

I nod and relax again, it has been a while since I felt this warm and comfortable.

Celestia quietly steps in from the balcony, giving me a benevolent smile.

I realize just who's bed I am occupying... obviously the only one that is big enough for my frame. "Sorry your Highness..." I begin to whisper, not wanting to bother my blanket of mares.

Celestia giggles softly, "Do not worry Cedric, There was plenty of room for me as well."

I blush... "To be honest, Sleeping with a pony wasn't one of the things I would have expected to happen this soon. But... this takes the cake."

I slowly slide my right hand out from under Twilight and gently scratch Rarity's ears, She gives a soft murr and leans into it.

After a moment she open her eyes with a soft smile, "My hero awakes."

I nod and put a finger to my lips, "Shh, you'll wake the others."

Rarity covers a smirk with her hoof and nods to the Princesses, "Good morning your majesties." She turns back to me and nuzzles my cheek, "I trust you slept well, Darling?" She says softly.

I nod, "Much better than a cold stone floor."

Rarity giggles, "Indeed." She shifts and rises from the bed.

As the light waxes, the others begin to stir.

I reach up and lightly tickle Fluttershy's neck, She giggles softly, then rises with a squeak.

I smile and rest a hand on her hoof, "Thank you for your Kindness."

Fluttershy blushes so bright she almost turns pink, "y--- yyy-youre welcome" She says quietly, lifting her hoof and placing it over my hand, then she hops off the bed with a flick of her wings.

I nod and begin scratching Twilight's ear.

"Mehhh... A few more minutes Spike...."

My chuckle makes her raise her head, "You know you're really cute when you do that..."

Twilight bolts upright, rigid like when she meet Gummy, "Oh! it's you!" She raises a hoof and breathes out pushing it out and down like Cadence taught her. Calming, she gives me a smile, "Did you sleep well?"

"Better than I have in a long time."

Pinkie rolls over onto her back and into my lap, giving a cute snore.

I sit up, with a mischievous smirk on my face I reach down and rub her tummy.

"Mmmm! That's nice, Mr. Alien!" She giggles sleepily then comes to, looking up at me with her big blue eyes. She reaches up and gives me a hug with her hooves. "I'd like to be woken up like that every day!" She says brightly.

AJ and Dash squirm a little at the noise and lift their heads. Dash's bed head looks like an explosion at a crayon factory.

"Good morning ladies." I gently move Pinks so that I can get up.

Ponies move. I slide over and hang my legs over the edge of the huge bed, "Ahh...." I stretch and push against my upper back eliciting several cracks.... then tilt my head left and right and twist my head sharply each time, making more loud cracks, shocking the small crowd around me.

Flutters looks like she's about to faint.

"Wow Ced! Are ya Ok? That sounded like it hurt!" AJ asks, eyes wide.

"One of the side effects of standing upright, AJ. Stretching like that helps keep me from getting too stiff. It doesn't hurt at all. Can't say I haven't surprised myself with how loud they can be, though."

I stand and bow to the Princesses, "Your majesties? I guess the question is where to next?"

Luna yawns softly, "My watch over the night is done, I shall be retiring. If I don't see you later in this realm, I shall see you in your dreams Sir Cedric. I would like to see more of your world."

I smile and nod, "Thank you for watching over me."

Luna smiles and steps out to the balcony, then leaps into the air, flying over to a dark tower with an observatory at the peak.

Pinkie's stomach grumbles like an unhappy bear. She blushes and hides her muzzle behind a hoof.

I chuckle, glancing at Celestia, "You know what this calls for?"

Pinkie blinks confusedly, " A party?"

I shake my head, "Nope, Breakfast!"

Man, can Pinkie Pie knock it back...

I watched her in mildly horrified awe as she downed a plate of pancakes half as tall as she was in one sitting.

What put the cherry on top was that the rest of the girls didn't even blink an eye.

I took another sip of the lifeblood that is one of god's gifts to man and pony, coffee. "This is amazing...."

Celestia gives another of her glowing smiles, "Thank you Cedric, It's grown in the castle gardens. We just try to avoid giving Luna too much, The moon does strange things when she's had too many cups of espresso."

Twilight giggles, "Like that time we had an eclipse cause Luna made it rise twice during the same day."

Celestia facehooves, "The soothsayers proclaimed doom and destruction as usual. Even more so when it took twice as long as usual to rise the next night."

Pinkie Pie giggles, then viciously attacks a plate of hashbrowns. There were no survivors.

I blink and shrug, Ponies being ponies, I can't really say I was that surprised.

Celestial looks at me, "What are your plans for the day, Cedric?"

I take a deep breath, "Well I appreciate the hospitality, but I think the girls here have responsibilities they need to get back to, and I need to see how my car fared."

Twilight bamfs a checklist in front of her, "Yes, and we are due at the train station in an hour and a half."

I smirk, "Always the little schemer eh Twilight?"

Twilight blushes, "There's something to be said for having all your ducks in a row."

Fluttershy eeps at the word 'ducks', "I need to feed all the critters! What will they do without me?"

Rainbow shrugs, "They're animals, they know how to find food. But I need to get back and make sure the weather team is not slacking off."

AJ chuckles, "Hyeah Dash, Ya'll do enough of that for all of 'em!"

Dash glares at AJ, "Hey! I get my part done twice as fast so I have time to slack off!" She pauses a moment, looking back and forth "Umm, and practice for the Wonderbolts!"

Rarity bounces atop her cushion, "And I'm sure I have SOOO much to catch up on after my horrible imprisonment! This is the Worst Possible Thing!" She hops up, magically grabs me by the arm and starts pulling.

I sigh as I'm dragged out of the banquet hall, followed by the rest, "I guess I'll visit you later, Your Highness, Give Luna my best. Until next time!"

"Indeed Cedric, Farewell!" Celestia smirks, "Oh and here's your first stipend as an ambassador!" She magically tosses a large bag of bits to me...

*Whump!*

Which hits me in the chest, momentarily knocking the breath out of me.

"Thank you your Highness." *Gasp!* I croak out as I am pulled out the door.

Celestia giggles softly to herself with a leering grin, "Still got it."

Pepper Mill, standing next to her, drops his empty platter in wide-eyed terror.

As our group leaves the gates of Canterlot Castle...

Rarity pauses and appraises me, "We simply cannot have you looking this shabby in Canterlot, dear." She grins widely, "To the Retail district! We need to do some shopping!"

Twilight stands in Rarity's way, "We only have an hour and fifteen minutes before the train leaves!"

Rarity gives her a know-it-all smile, "Just enough time to make sure our Human Ambassador looks the part! Come along Ced!"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Absolutely not, darling!"

Author's Note

5 Moustaches to whomever can catch the references!

Suits, Trains, Planes and An Epic Pony Party Prank

To be honest with you, I was really worried for my man card.

Being dragged along behind a gaggle of excited mares, I was sure I was facing my own personal frilly testosterone-crushing apocalypse.

It turns out I wasn't giving Rares enough credit. For expedience, She led the crew to a Minotaur clothier, Seeing as I fit the body type pretty well.

By the Thimble of Gucci, fashionable Minotaur bulls wore 3 piece suits!

The man card is safe.

Actually, It just got a Legen... Wait for it.... dary upgrade.

Thirty minutes, One sizable pile of Bits, and one Magical Musical Number later...

I have suited up for great justice, and was looking damn fine in Canterlot Square.

I gotta admit, the girls don't look that bad either.

Rainbow blinks over her newly acquired shades, "How did that just happen?" She glances around at the nobles and common alike going back to their daily routine, some now sporting equally awesome examples of suits themselves, now that the song was done.

"Elementary, my chromatic friend," I tipped my matching dark grey with lavender pinstripe fedora at her, "Magic."

Twilight tilts her head, "Isn't that supposed to be my line?"

"Hush, Purple Stuff." I said with a grin. "Now ladies, Is there anything else you need before we depart this fine city?"

From a balcony high atop Canterlot Castle overlooking the city, Celestia giggles, putting down the Royal Binoculars. "I like him. He's silly."

Luna, looking somewhat groggy next to her, stifles a giggle, setting down the Royal Spyglass, "Indeed, But he still could be a troublemaker."

Celestia smirks to Luna, "So far, his kind of trouble I find myself looking forward to. Now back to bed, you need your beauty sleep!"

Luna looks shocked, "Are you insinuating that- " *BAMF* She disappears in a cloud of golden magic.

Canterlot Station:

"Now tell me again why you needed thirty feet of silk rope?" I ask RD as we arrive, several large packages in magical tow.

She blushes, eyes looking around guiltily, "It's for a new stunt... yeah..." Ponies can't lie for shit.

"So are you going to show this one to the Wonderbolts?." RD blushes harder, just as the train whistle blows.

"All Aboard!!!"

AJ trots forward, "Ya'll heard the pony, Let's go!"

I step up into the cabin, having to duck to keep from whacking my head on the upper sill, I find a bench and settle down on it, stretching out so I can look out the window.

The rest of the girls file in, taking seats around me.

"Hmm first time I've actually ridden on a train, been in a passenger jet a few times, but never traveled by rail." I cross my legs and get comfortable.

Pinkie hops up into my lap, "What's a jet, Ced?"

Rarity frowns, "Jet Set is one of those boorish Nuveau-riche Canterlot ponies, His wife had the audacity to insult my hat!"

"The nerve!" I frown appropriately to Rarity, then turn back to Pinkie, "well Pinks a jet is like a fan, it moves air, but like a thousand times more powerful, it's so powerful it can actually lift... something the size of this train car off the ground and move it at a very high speed. Back home we used them to travel all over the world. It made trips that would take weeks or months by foot only take hours."

Dash is suddenly at my side, as is Twilight, Interestingly, both are wearing the same look on their face.

I sigh, "I'll tell you what I know about them, if you'd like"

*simultaneous nods*

I scratch Pinkie's back as I begin to expound.

The train reaches the station, and I have reached the limits of my knowledge about manned flight a while back, not just having covered jets and prop aircraft, but helicopters, V-tols, blimps, The Wright Brothers and as much as I can recall of other aircraft, including the space shuttle.

Dash actually took over Pinkie's spot when she got tired of hearing about it.

Twilight nearly set the train car on fire when I mentioned we had put men on the moon. She's currently chest deep in a pile of filled scrolls and worn out quills.

"Ok, girls we're here, I think I could use a rest after all this excitement." I set Dashie down and started to hunch my way to the exit.

I was followed shortly after by the Six, and the Package Pile o'Doom that was following us suspended in Rarity and Twilight's magics.

"What say we reconvene in a couple hours at Sweet Apple Acres?"

A chorus of agreement followed.

Twilight doled out the parts of the PPOD to the pony that it belonged to, then the group split up.

Rarity and I made our way to the Carousel Boutique. I stepped forward and held the door for her.

"Thank you kind sir." She gave me a bright smile as I ducked down and followed her in.

Fortunately for me, her crafting and showroom floor had seven foot ceilings so I could stand fully. I hung up my hat and coat on the rack on the wall.

I glanced around for a moment, looking for a chair, then decided to test a theory, I put the back of my hand to my forehead and staggered back a step, bumping into the infamous red chaise lounge which had appeared right behind me.

Fricking magic, huh?

Grinning, I took a careful seat on it. Nice and comfy, just like I was expecting.

Rarity came back out of the kitchen area and smirked, "I see you found yourself a seat."

"Only the best." I smiled back at her, leaning back and crossing my arms behind my head.

In floated a tray with a tea set and a pile of cookies.

Rarity sits down at the table near me, setting down the tray, then I feel the lounge scooting closer, till I was more or less lounging right next to her at the table

"Darling, You must tell me all about the fashions from your world." Rarity cooed, fluttering her big blue eyes at me.

I nod, I knew it would come to this. "Where do you want to start? What part of the world and what time period? Do you want to hear about traditional outfits, High fashion, Or do you want to start with body structure, social taboos, and the basics?"

Rarity bit her lower lip, "Taboos?"

Smirking, I continue, reaching over to gently stroke her neck, "I figured that would catch your attention. You already know that due to a lack of fur, and the fact that our 'equipment' is exposed, shall we say that human men generally wear some form of leg covering to include the lower torso. For our females, you could say the problem has been doubled, because, if you'll excuse me for being blunt, their teats, or breasts as we call them are right here" I gesture to my upper chest. "I suspect we evolved that way after we started to carry our children in our arms, having them there made feeding them easier."

Rarity blinks, "Evolved?"

"There are many theories regarding evolution, most involve what's called natural selection, where apparently random changes or mutations to a creatures body shape, structure, color and so on that benefit the creature allow it to survive longer, or attract more mates, and thus reproduce more, will make that trait become dominant in the species, and changes that do not benefit the creature reduces their chances of mating and so on, but I think Twilight would want to hear more of that, so I will detail how humans have been for at least the last... couple thousand years or so."

Rarity nods, her cheeks a little pinkish, "For now that would be best."

I nod, "To simplify, human males, or men, tend to be angular, straight lines tend to be considered attractive, with females, called women, on the other hand, it's all about the curves. Generally an attractive woman has curves that appear soft and graceful. I like a little padding on my ladies myself."

Rarity, still blushing, nods as she floats over some scrolls and charcoal pencils.

I do my best and sketch out an approximation of the two forms, basing them off the vitruvian man and what i can remember of the Venus de Milo.

"For us clothing generally serves multiple purposes, to keep us warm, cover our erogenous zones, and protect our skin. Aside from that....." I discuss underwear, swimwear, basic dress and some high fashion that i can recall.

I discourse for about a half hour and Rarity has listened raptly, sketching out some ideas she has formed while I was talking. The tea is drank, the cookies eaten and several scrolls are filled.

"Goodness Darling, I can't get over how much you know about so many subjects! Were you a scholar on your world?"

"I would call myself a jack of all trades, as a child I spent most of my time reading like Twilight, but I did not go into great focus on any one subject to the exclusion of others. I learned a little bit of this and that over time, I tried to be observant of the details, and all of the little bits I learned add up to where I am now. I don't know if it would have worked for others, but it seems to suit me fine. I enjoy having what I consider a well rounded education. I can sew, cook, do carpentry, even make jewelry, and that's just a fraction of my skillset."

Rarity's eyes go wide, "You make jewelry?"

"Yes, if you like, I have some of my better pieces stored in the car. They were part of my outfit, before it got ruined." I glance around for a clock, "On that subject, Should we get started toward Sweet Apple Acres?"

Rarity nods, "Oh yes, we can talk more about this later. " She hops off her chair and I join her as we head out to the farm.

I notice I still draw looks from ponies, the few I see in the streets, but their body language is much less freaked out now, probably because I am dressed in a nice shirt and pants and walking calmly alongside Ponyville's resident fashionista, as opposed to looking like a homeless crazy person being dragged behind the Elements of Harmony at a swift run braced by Solar Guards.

Overall, I'd call it an improvement.

The Apple Farm... is enormous. Apple trees going to the hills practically in every direction.

I follow Rarity, chatting with her, as we walk about a half mile from the entrance in, finally spotting the house and barns.

Oddly, the place appears deserted, and all but one of the barns has their doors secured...

My Genre Savvy sense is tingling.

I rest a hand on Rarity's neck, "Wait here a moment." She looks slightly confused but nods and stops

I quietly creep to a side window of the suspicious barn and cup my ear to the glass. Yep, I hear muted talking, rustling, and giggling.

Aha.

I smirk as I sneak back to Rares, "Wanna have a little fun with our friends?"

Rarity blinks in confusion, then realization crosses her face, "Oh....What's your plan darling?"

I kneel down and start whispering into her ear, pointing to a pile of deadwood branches I see nearby...

The most devious and wicked grin I have ever seen crosses her face, "Ohh... This is going to be... Fabulous."

Pinkie bounces on her hooves, "This is going to be so great!!"

Twilight gives Pinkie a look, "Shhh!"

Rainbow Dash, listening at the door waves a hoof, "They're coming!" She flies back and joins the crowd, of about half of Ponyville, who all get quiet in anticipation....

Suddenly the barn doors swing wide open, in light blue magic, and a screaming Rarity runs in followed by what could only be described as a ten foot tall tree man, with long arms ending in branchy hands, roaring at the top of it's lungs.

"Supri- *Needle Rip* -AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

General bedlam follows as ponies panic and run around in circles, some dive for cover, some run into each other.

AJ and Dash shake out of their shock and move forward to defend as the treeman stops, looking around, then starts laughing uproariously, branches falling off of him as the magic holding them together releases. Soon enough I'm looking normal if a little dirty, still laughing my ass off.

After a few seconds the ponies realize what happened and calm down. Others come out of hiding.

Pinkie bounces over to me, hair flat, "Ceddy! That was mean!"

Rarity prances back around and comes up to my side, "Come now Pinkie, this was supposed to be a surprise party. Weren't you surprised?"

Pinkie pauses in mid air... literally.... her hair pops out into it's cotton candy configuration then she busts out in giggles and lands on her back laughing. Other ponies get the idea and join in the laughter.

I step over to Pinks and tickle her belly "Turnabout is fair play, my dear Pinkamina, Now don't you have a party to host?"

Pinkie bounces back up and claps her hooves together, "YES!"

Rainbow flits over and hoofpunches me in the shoulder, "That was SO AWESOME!!"

*cue pony party montage*

Meet the Ponies

Party time.

I meet all the ponies in Ponyville.
No.
Literally.
All of them, even the foals.

Pinkie had a checklist, (I blame Twilight), and used her freaky reality warping powers to 'borrow' any pony not actually at the party for a few seconds, get them to say Hi, then they were gone. I lost count of how many times that tool closet door opened and closed.

Other than that first confusing hour, it wasn't a bad party, Music, pony party games, lots of good food.

I quirked an eyebrow at the 'Me' effigy Pinata, hoping nothing was meant by it, especially afterward, when the candy was gone, it was tossed onto a blazing fire pit outside... <.<

I was sitting back on a log near the fire with a big mug of cider(Yes, it was the alcoholic kind), listening to the music continuing on inside, when I noticed Lyra, and Bonbon sitting across the way. Lyra was sitting upright next to Bonbon settled like a 'normal' pony.

Curiosity compelled me and I stepped around to their side. "Hello ladies."

Seeing as I have already meet _everypony_ Lyra waved a hoof, "Hi Ced, enjoying the party?"

"Yeah, Pinkie can sure throw a bash..." I hesitated, "Can I ask you a question?"

Lyra smirks up at me, "Is it about the way I sit?"

"Yes."

"Spinal condition. Genetic. It's the only way for me to sit that is really comfortable."

"Oh. Thank you."

Lyra grins, "Now about those hands."

What?

"I heard from Rarity you have very talented hands."

I blink, "Oh." Umm....

Bonbon smirks, "Ly, Just ask for an ear scratch, is it that hard?"

I resist a chuckle at the innuendo that could be used there.

Lyra gives me a dose of the huge cute eyes. "Please?"

"Ok." I hope this doesn't start a creepy obsession. I reach over and carefully scritch around Lyra's ears, her ears turn back for a moment then slowly come forward. After about a minute I stop.

Lyra smiles, "Thanks. That was weird, but not bad."

Bonbon smirks at Lyra and clicks her teeth together, Lyra blushes.

Ohh I see, yeah nibbling beats out scratches.... :P

I smile, and look up at the stars, the moon already having risen during the meet and greet. It's way too late to check out the car, I'll just handle it in the morning.

The party's winding down, and I turn towards the barn. "See you two later"

Bonbon nods with a smile, "Come by my shop sometime, big guy. I'll give you a free sample. You'll love the taste of my candy!"

Was that a come on? Do these ponies listen to themselves? Or was it just Bonbon?

I smile and wave and then walk inside, looking for the fashion mare.

Once I am out of earshot, Lyra sticks her tongue out at Bonbon, "tease."

Bonbon just smiles.

Inside, I carefully make my way past groups of ponies talking. Some have left already, so the crowd has thinned somewhat. I exchange friendly banter as I go, some of the rescuees even coming up to thank me for my help. All in all it takes me several minutes to find the ladies.

I find the girls around a table, several empty cider mugs, plates and candy wrappers strewn about it. Considering the blushing, giggling and swaying most of them are doing it's clear they've had plenty to drink.

Rainbow's passed out, her head laying on the table, a small smile on her face, as well as a full makeup job, lipstick, eyeliner,and shadow, blush, the whole nine yards.

"Ya'll know Dash is gonna be mighty upset when she realizes what ya'll have done" Applejack smirks, leaning on the table, cider mug in hoof.

"Come now dear, *hic* Rainbow's never looked better, And this is about the only time she's remained still for long enough..." Rarity pauses, covering her mouth, a petite burp emerging from her, "Oh! Excuse me. As I was saying, She looks fabulous! Oh Cedr*hic*! Come sit with us!"

I oblige and sit between Fluttershy and Rarity, "Enjoying the party girls?"

Pinkie Pie appears behind me and glomps my back, "This is so great! So many new ponies! And a new Human as well! And then the romance, and adventures, YAY!" She rests her head on my shoulder.

"Oh... my" from the tipsy butter pegasus.

Blinking, I turn my head and poke Pinkie's cheek with my nose, "Shh, Stop reading ahead. No spoilers"

Pinkie giggles, gives me a wink and returns to her seat, I look back to the table and raise an eyebrow as I see intensified blushes across the faces of all six, particularly Rarity and Fluttershy.

"So... " I start when I feel Rarity lean against me, eyes closed, moments later I hear soft snoring coming from her. "Umm yeah, so... I hate to be a party pooper, but when the guests start passing out it's usually time to take them home. I'll be by tomorrow to check out the car, AJ. If you girls would like to join me then, you're welcome."

Applejack smirks, "Sure thing Ced, An' welcome to the herd." followed by a chorus of agreements from the ones still awake.

What?

Departing the bash, I am walking with Fluttershy, and Twilight, and am carrying a dozing Rarity in my arms.

"Th... Thank you for offering to walk us home, Cedric." Fluttershy smiles up at me, wavering a little bit in her steps as she remains close by.

"Glad to be of service." I smile to her as we come up the path to her tree cottage.

We reach her door, which is opened by a white rabbit.... with a "You got some explaining to do." look on his face.

Flutters trots forward and gives the bun a hug, changing his visage to one of surprise, then a begrudging smile.

"Angel, This is Cedric, Say hello." She sets him down and gently pushes him towards me.

Angel pauses, looks _all the way up_ at me, grimaces menacingly ( I didn't even think that was possible for a rabbit) then he hops up and kicks me in the shin... well he tries to, bouncing off my leg, and rolling on the porch.

"Angel! That wasnt nice!"

Angel regains his feet, glares up at me, and gives me the 'I'm watching you' gesture with a paw, then he hops back inside.

"I'm so sorry Cedric, He's usually not like this." Fluttershy looks down.

"Yeah, He's usually worse." I hear Twilight mutter under her breath.

"No worries Flutters, I didn't even feel it." I free a hand and give her mane a light pat. "See you tomorrow?"

Flutters hops up and flits up to my face, blushing fiercely, "Yes!" and before I can react, she's planted a kiss on my cheek and disappeared, the door slamming shut behind her.

I blink, a bemused look crossing my face, "Hmm."

Twilight giggles as I turn to her, "So loverboy, my place or yours?"

I gently shift Rarity in my grip and chuckle, "Seeing as I don't have one yet, yours."

Twilight nods, and turns, "So tell me about that quantum mechanics thing some more?"

We spend the trip chatting about various subjects, Twilight seems really happy that she's found another individual that can talk with her on the same level.

We arrive at the crystal tree castle... thing, She opens the door, pausing at it, "Thanks for the walk home, Ced. See you tomorrow." She smiles to me, before closing the door behind her.

I glance up at the huge building, seeing a little purple and green head duck out of sight from one of the upper story windows.

Ugh, still gotta deal with that. Later, it's bed time. Back to the Carousel.

-

I carefully open the front door, wincing at the bell, which wakes Rarity up.

"Welcome to Caro... What?" She asks drowsily, half lidded eyes glancing at me as she looks around.

"Shh, it's ok, I brought you home."

"Mmmm, Thank you, Darling." She leans into me and closes her eyes again, a soft smile on her face.

I slip inside, close and lock the door, then head up the staircase to where I assume the bedrooms are, passing the door with a piece of paper labeled in crayon in that odd script that ponies use, I am assuming it says 'Sweetie Belle'

I ease myself in the master bedroom door, step up to the large bed, and lay a drowsy Rarity out, covering her with the blankets. I straighten up again and head back to the door.

"Where are you going?" I hear Rarity's voice from the bed.

"I was going to find a place to sleep downstairs, probably a couch."

"*yawn* Nonsense, Darling, After what you've been through, I'm going to make sure you have a proper bed to sleep in, even if it's mine."

"But..."

"But nothing, now come to bed."

"Yes, ma'am."

I step around and climb into the bed, which is just big enough to fit me, I do however hear some springs creak a bit as I settle in. I pull the covers over me and I feel Rarity scoot up close to me and snuggle in, and I relax and close my eyes to let sleep take me.

In the Lab, an Inverted pony!

I'm having the nicest dream.

I'm cuddled up to a warm furry pillow, resting my face in the marshmallowy softness.

The Pillow twitches, and screams, “Unhand me Ruffian!”

I'm having the worst dream.

Suddenly I'm flying through the air, through a solid wood door, off the railing and tumbling down the stairs.

Also my stomach really hurts, must have been when the pillow bucked me in the gut.

I think I wake up, I'm really not sure at this point. I'm sprawled on my back, upside down on the bottom steps, my head resting on the floor at an... well, everything's at an awkward angle.

To quote a minor character from another cartoon series, ALL I KNOW IS PAIN.

I hear the BAMF of a teleportation and suddenly Rarity is there, looking at me with great concern.

I give her a pleasant smile, reach up and gently touch her cheek, “You're my Lucky Diamond.”

The last thing I see before lapsing into peaceful blackness is Rarity's beautiful ivory face blushing bright pink.

Beep... beep... beep...

Eyes slowly open. I'm laid out on a bed, the sheets up around my bare chest

Sounds like a hospital but it's not white enough. One hand reaches up and touches my head only to run into something made of metal with wires sticking out of it.

2 + 2 = 5...

Ahh I get it, I'm in the... bum bum buuum.... Lab of Dr. Twilight. And the metal thing is a copy of that sensor gadget from Feeling Pinkie Keen that looks like a salad strainer with lights wires and such, My theory is proven by the presence of the machine sitting next to the bed spewing out a stream of paper.

“Oh, good, you're awake” comes the voice of everybody's favorite ubernerd of Awesome Arcane Shit. “I was starting to worry that Rarity had really hurt you.”

“My Dear Princess, if that was all it took to hurt me here, I will have to turn in my Tank character class card and find a different job, my stats have changed since I landed in your world.”

Twilight rears up and puts her front hooves on the side of the bed, her eyes alight, “You've played Ogres and Oubliettes?”

Taking a wild stab at the multiverse theory, I ask, “Which edition?”

Twilight squeals happily and does the 'hopping around in a circle in glee chirping “Yes! Yes! Yes!” ' thing.

Direct hit, Captain! We have pushed Purple Stuff's geek button!

Adorkable, thy name is Twilight Sparkle.

I chuckle softly and wait for her to settle down, “So give it to me straight Doc, am I gonna live?”

Twilight gives me a look that would make a Bugbear back down, “You'd better, You're the only pony I know that knows about ONO outside of comic book shops in Canterlot!”

I grin, “Good enough, How's Rarity holding up?”

No sooner do I ask then I hear the lab door slam open and a teary eyed Rares comes tearing in, dragging Pinkie behind her. “Darling! I was so worried!” She skids to a halt at the side if the bed.

Pinkie loses her grip and bounces out of sight. Whatever stopped her must have been expensive from the crash and the way Sparky reacts, running after her. “Oh Nonono! Pinkie!!!”

I hear the Pink Wonder cheer, “Whee!”

Rarity pauses, mouth agape, at a loss for words.

I sense Hijinks. I finally give in to curiosity, pull the colander helmet off and look.

Pinkie's walking on the ceiling... I mean it. Upside down and everything.

I stand err sit corrected. nNot Hijinks, Hi-Pinks.

I have a terrible urge to pull out a camera, snap a picture, and say, “Neat!”
`
Twilight's clearly not expecting this kind of reaction as she's frantically digging through her notes and muttering to herself, the words “impossible”, and “no it's Pinkie” mixed in.

“Pinks, I know you and gravity have an on and off again relationship, but this is just silly.” I put my legs over the side of the bed and realize I'm completely naked. “Could somebody hand err, hoof me my pants?”

Rarity gives Sparky a withering glare.

Twilight 's brain is forced to shift gears from an antigravity earth pony to the practical matter of pants. “Hehe, well I did need to examine him.” She blushes cutely, then points a hoof at a chair where my clothes are laid out.

“Perhaps Darling, but how thoroughly?” Rarity floats my pants over to me.

“Rares, This is Twilight Sparkle we're talking about here. I'm sure she knows everything from my blood type to if I like Pina Colada's.”

“Perhaps Darling, but a lady would ask.” Rarity huffs.

I stand up, repantsed and approach the inverted Pink Pony, “ Well, Twi, I'm glad you acted like a doctor and not a lady. Otherwise you'd have had to wait for me to wake up, that might have taken a while, speaking of which, what time is it?”

Pinkie giggles and tries to get away, running across the ceiling, “It's eleven, lunch rush at the Corner! I need to get to work!”

“Not like that you aren't Pinks. You step outside you could end up floating away.” I manage to get my arms around her barrel with a jumping grab, the two of us float slowly down to the floor.

Twilight observes this and adds to hwr notes, “you two are about even weight wise, I'd say Ced's got a few pounds on you, Pinkie, If you agree to stay tethered to him then I would approve you going to Sugarcube Corner as long as you stay inside once you get there.

Pinkie giggles, and wraps her hooves around my left forearm, all four of them. “Okey Dokey Loki!”
Now I like Pinks as a friend, but seeing as her head's at my elbow, I don't wanna think about where my hand is.

“How long do you think this will last Twilight?” Rarity asks, in a combination of frustration and concern.

Twilight blinks, the gears spinning in her head for a couple seconds, “I'd say about an hour. Ced, Could you watch her and take notes?”

I shrug, “Sure, but could you read them afterwards?”

Twilight facehooves, “Right, Language barrier. Rarity?”

Rarity shakes her head, “I am already delayed on an important order for a dignitary from the Crystal Empire, I couldn't possibly.”

I snap my fingers (on my right hand) “Tell you what, I was planning to check out my car this afternoon around three, far as I knew all the girls were going to be there for the reveal. I'll give you my findings then, a verbal report. Will that work for everyone?”

Twilight nods with a smile.

Rarity nods as well, “That should give me time to get caught up.”

The topsy turvy pink pony currently straddling my arm giggles, “Fine by me!”

I nod, “Good, Let the others know, would ya Twi?”

“No problem,” Twilight nods, “Spike!”

Oh great, I knew this was coming.
The lab door opens again. Enter the Spike, the look of suspicion across his face doubled when he sees my somewhat compromising position ( left arm above my head, Pinkie wrapped around it.)

“What's he doing here? And what's he doing to Pinkie?”

Rarity tries to intercept, ”Spikey Wikey, He was hurt this morning, after a fall down the stairs.”

Spike smirks, “and Pinkie?”

Twilight responds, “lab accident.”

Pinkie giggles, “Yeah! I'm totally upside downey right now! She lets go of my arm and floats back up to the ceiling.

Spike observes this and blinks... “ookay...”

I decide to break the ice. “Hey, we got off on the wrong foot, I got some cool stuff to show the girls at AJ's at 3, wanna meet up a little early? I wanna have a little chat with ya.”

Spike looks at me for a few seconds, “Alright, as long as it's ok with Twilight.”

Twilight smiles and gives an ephatic nod, “Would you send a note to the other girls?”

Spike smiles “Sure!” he pulls out a blank scroll and scratches down a quick note, then breathes a puff of green fire at the page, which splits into three sparkling trails which dissappear out the lab window. I gotta admit that's cool, magic message carbon copying.

“Thanks Spike, I'll see you at 2:30 at AJ's” I then jump up and pull a squirming, giggling Pinkie Pie off the ceiling.

Spike chuckles, “Sure thing.” he shakes his head and walks out, muttering something about, “only Pinkie Pie....”

After the door closes, I ask, “Hey Rarity, could you loan me some gems? I want to give him a peace offering. I'll help you dig some later.”

“Certainly Darling.” Rarity smiles, “I'll have Sweetie Belle bring them by Sugarcube Corner”

“Perfect” I say as Pinkie latches onto my arm again.

Rarity steps up close, “I don't envy you this daunting task my hero.”

I smile and gently brush Rare's cheek with my free hand, “I'll be fine, Milady, Spike and I will be great friends.”

Rarity closes her eyes and leans into my hand, “Mmmmm, Then I shall see you at 3 on the dot.”

Pinkie climbs up/(down?) my arm and starts softly humming 'the wedding march' in my ear. I counter with a boop on the nose, which makes her giggle and stop.

Rarity 's eyes open wide, then narrow thoughtfully, “Ta-ta for now then, I have art to make!” She turns and trots out of the room, her rump swaying.

Twilight smirks, “Not the fastest I've seen her fall in love. That bodes well”

Pinkie nods her head rapidly, “I know! Remember Trenderhoof? That was a disaster!”

I smirk, “Especially when AJ decided to play along.”

Twilight starts giggling, “Rarity as a farm pony was hilarious! Celestia told me Luna was rolling on the floor at the picture I sent her with my Friendship Report”

We share a good laugh.

I come to a minor realization “Hey Twilight? Got like a belt or rope or something to keep me and Pinkie attached?”

Twilight hmms and bamfs in a small harness “I have this harness and straps from when the Crusaders were doing ziplining... a little expansion magic and.... “

Poof, a harness sized to fit a Pinkie Pie, with a couple of extra straps clipped on, makes us a pink pony backpack.

I shrug and snap my fingers, “Drat, was hoping to have a Pinkie Pie balloon that could make faces at ponies as a prank”.

Pinkie OOOhs, “That would be EPIC!!!!”

Twilight frowns, “Which is why we aren't going to do that.”

Pinkie awws,

My response is, “Yes teacher. No pranking allowed.” with a sidewise look at Pinkie and a mouthed 'yet'.

Twilight points a hoof, “I'm not against pranking, but you're new and we want to set a good tone.”

I shrug and carefully hold Pinkie out so she can be harnessed.

Twilight, with her levitation magic, makes short work of the task,

I strap Pinkie on (gotta watch that wording), Her belly is to my back and she's looking over my shoulder.

Pinkie rests her forehooves over my shoulders, “This is comfy!”

Twilight smiles thoughtfully, “Good, Are you ok with this Ced?”

I smirk, “Have a hyperactive kid riding piggyback? Wouldn't say it's the first time or the last.”

Pinkie lightly bops me on the head with a hoof, “Hey! I am not a goat! I'm a pony! And you're not a pig! You're a Hyooman!”

At that I chuckle, “Human, and young humans are called 'kids' among other things. And piggyback is what we call someone riding on someone else's back like this.”

Twilight is of course taking a quick note about the semantics.

“Anyway Twi, I'd say we're good to go”

Twilight smiles, “See you at 3 then,”

Pinkie guides me out of the giant tree castle thing, and we find ourselves on the road into town.

“Excellent, I've been wanting to try something since we got tethered...” I comment, A smirk crossing my face.

Pinkie pushes her cheek against mine, so soft, “What's that?”

“This!” I start running, once I get up to speed, I jump... up and up and up... Like around 60 feet in the air.

Pinkie's squealing with laughter, as we start to gently descend, "WHEEEEE! This is Amazing!”!!”

“Yeah! Look at the view!” we can see almost the whole town from here.

A cyan streak starts zooming towards us.

Pinkie points, “Hey it's Rainbow Dash! HI RAINBOW” She's waving.

RD circles around us, “What in Tartarus are you two doing?”

I give her a look like she just grew a third wing “Pinks got an antigravity spell on her, so we're super jumping! What else would we be doing?”

The Blue Blur pauses in mid air to ask a question then shrugs.

I nod, “Yeah, My thoughts exactly, It's Pinkie, Just roll with it.” I pull a Superman, legs together straight behind me, one arm straight forward. “I figure we are like a large air filled balloon together right now.”

Rainbow gets a devious smirk, “Really?” and with that she grabs my hand with her front hooves and starts pulling us along behind her.

Fortunately for us, my estimates are about right, we're not very aerodynamic, so she can really only increase our airspeed by a little, but.... she can lift us higher.

Pinkie, of course goes “Wheee!”

And I get my first head-on impact with a cloud, thanks to Rainbow Dash.

“Ptui!” I spit cloud which feels a bit like a really thick foam. Interestingly, this explains a lot of the pegasus\cloud interaction questions I had brewing in the back of my mind. Like how RD could push clouds, stand on them and punch a hole in one. The goatee i once had has been replaced by a belly length Gandalf of cloudstuff.

Rd lets go of my hand and starts laughing uproariously, rolling of course, on a cloud. Which means Pinkie and myself start sinking.

“On this floor, we have show off blue pegasi on discount.” I quip, “Next floor, after a while, Sugarcube Corner and enough cookies and cakes to make an elephant go into a diabetic coma. Going... down. Later RD, it's been... ”I ponder then smirk, “Educational.”

Rainbow suddenly looks like I insulted her mother. “You take that back! Educational is boring! Hanging out with me is supposed to be Awesome!”

I grin and cross my arms, “well I did take a cloud to the face. I wouldn't honestly describe that as awesome. However, it did teach me about some of the cloud physics here and how they differ from my world's. You see here-” at that point I see RD starting to nod off.

RD gets this dazed look then snaps out of it, the last thing I see of her is her responding, “Now you sound like Twilight. And that means I'm takin' a little nap.”

Once we emerge from the bottom of the cloud Pinkie taps my shoulder with a hoof, “How did you shut Rainbow down so fast?”

“Pattern recognition, My dear Pinkster. After seeing Twilight go into lecture mode and RD falling asleep enough times you build an association. I just kept talking till I saw Rainbow start to pass out.”

“Wow, I didn't know anypony could be this genre savvy.”

“Exactly Pinkie, What am I?

“Not a pony?'

“On the nosey, “I boop her for emphasis, “And not from this world either. Believe you me Pinkie, with my knowledge, skills and Genre savvy, and your reality warping powers, we could overthrow the Princesses, or revolutionize the world, but because we're both of good alignment, with a little chaos thown in, we just like to mess with the normals a little, Right?”

“You know Ced, I think I'm starting to fall-”

“Don't say in love, I'm not sure this needs to be a harem story, I already see a love triangle-”

“No! I mean FALLLLLL!”

At that point the bottom drops out. And we go down fast.

“AHH CRAP!!!! Please over the lake, Please over the lake! Please over the lake!” I look down, we are directly over the Everfree. Fuck me... and Pinkie, but be gentle with her.

Out of nowhere we're caught by a musclebound white pegasi with itty bitty wings.

Pinkie shouts, “Thank you Bulk Biceps! Thank you! Thank you!”

I have to admit it, that was a turn I wasn't expecting. “Mucho props for the save, Brony!”

“YEAH!!!!”

“Umm No offense, but how can you even fly outside of your magic? Do you have an edge?“

“YEAH!!!”

“Is it what your fan name suggests, or is it something else?”

“RAINBOW JUICE!!!!!”

“Ooohhh.” from both Pinkie and me simultaneously. He probably downs that shit like Red Bull.

A few Minutes later and we're safely on the ground outside of Sugarcube Corner. (Which is right next door to Sugarcube Coroner, where Cupcakes was filmed, Just kidding.)

Author's Note

I AM NOT DEAD!
I'm back. I'm a bit more brash and don't give a crap at this point. I'm glad to be alive.

For the Hoard! A Spike Joint.

This episode brought to you by the letters M and J and the awesomeness of bacon!

BACON! It's meat candy!

And now back to the show.

Let's catch up with a poem.

~Que the smooth jazz

-

In comes Ced,
Looks like the dead,
Bucked in the gut,
Messed in the head,

Pinkie Pie,
She could not fly,
But antigravity,
Might make her die.

Together decide:
Til spell subside,
Pinkie would get
A human ride.

Upon Ced's back,
The sky to attack,
Till rainbow dash
Gave them flak

Ced was no Hulk,
There's no time to sulk,
Falling together,

Their hero was Bulk!

There! It wasn't that bad was it?

~crickets~

You know what? If I gave a buck if any of you approve or not, I wouldn't be writing this insanity.

ON WITH THE SHOW!

When we last left our intrepid adventurer, he had just been rescued from a fate worse than babysitting the Cutie Mark Crusaders by Equestria's only Juicer pony, Bulk Biceps.

Subsequently, he and his living Pinkie Pie backpack had been safely deposited outside of Sugarcube Corner, where she was late for the lunch rush.

“I gotta go!” Pinkie Pie gives me a wet smooch on the cheek and literally vanishes in a puff of dust, As the straps from the vacated harness fall limp I am left thinking that since I called her out as a reality bender she is not going to make any bones about using her powers around me. Like she does in general.

I shrug, adjust the straps to my new pony backpack maker, and I realize another human might find that an interesting irony, a pony riding a human. Whatever. Anyway, time to obliterate my insulin levels.

I have to hunch as I step inside the Corner, and the crowd calls out, “Cedric!” Damn, it's the pony equivalent of Cheers, where everypony knows your name.

“Yo.” I wave, not at all surprised to see Pinkie zipping around the shop delivering baked goods to customers.

I walk along, looking for a table, glad that 8 foot ceilings seem to be the construction standard in magical pony land. Then I have a realization, it's so Sun Butt can walk around and not skewer the ceiling everywhere she goes.

-

It was an average busy day in Ponyville.

Ponies were going about their routines.

The only thing that made this day different was a 6 foot and change ape-descended Carbon-based translucent life form named Cedric.
Who was currently devouring a cream cheese frosted blueberry cheesecake-filled cupcake with gusto.

Oh, the diabetes is worth it.

Pinkie's cupcakes are manifested directly from a goddess's orgasm. Based on this particular cupcake, I'd say Luna's.

I always thought she'd taste like blueberries. That in mind, I viciously attack the cream cheese frosting, licking it off.

~
Meanwhile, in Canterlot castle...

Luna tosses and turns about, moaning a little in her sleep, a blush spreading across her cheeks. She seems to be having a really good dream.
(I Demand a Luna smiley!)
~

Anyway, the cupcakes Pinkie makes are a gift from heaven, and I had my other favorite kind waiting to be consumed (of course she remembered)

I was chillin in the corner of the Corner.
I had enough time to ravish this other succulent confectionery masterpiece, then go talk with Spike, waiting for Sweetie Bell to deliver bribes in the form of Dragon Snax, AKA: Precious Stones.

Gems that grew fully formed and faceted right in the ground, at a rapid pace too based on what I had seen so far. Sorry, this place breaks some of my logic circuits. It also beats up the scientific knowledge I've built up and takes it's lunch money, so yeah I've been successfully running off of cartoon logic since I got outta the cave.

Regular old logic would have me leaving early to make sure I had everything under control. Cartoon logic says it will happen during a commercial break.

So I grin broadly and start licking the frosting from the next cupcake.
Ohh, Celestia.

Yeah this one tastes like you.

~

And now, a quick word from our sponsor:

Twilight Sparkle walks into view floating a soapbox in her magic, sets it down in front of a too high mic stand, then clambers onto it,

She telekinetically floats a script before her face, then grimaces.

"You aren't serious right?".

Click "Yes"

"You realize this makes me want to find the writer and render them into a pile of smoldering ash?"

Click "You're not the only one, but he specified you."

Twilight facehooves. "This is so degrading!"

Click "You want the bits or not?"

"Ugggh! Fine." Twilight lifts the script again. "Ahem!"

~
"Filthy Bathroom?
Use the magic of an Alicorn to make it shine! (What?)
Clean your bathroom with the Power of Friendship! (That's Absurd)
With specially formulated On-Demand Sudsing Bubbles... (What does that even mean?)
It's...
New and Improved, Toilet Sparkle! (... I hate my life.)
~
Click That was great, Can we do another take? I heard some stuff that wasnt in the script."

"UGGGH!!!!!"

Well whatta ya know?

Nothing like tripping the Censors to force a commercial break.

so.. catching up...

I was walking along the road to Sweet Apple Acres, near the Whitetail Woods.
I had a fashionable picnic basket, provided by Rares, with a bottle of chilled Crystal Berry soda, Spike's favorite, Some choice rubies and emeralds, and a copy of the latest Watchmares graphic novel, a bit grittier than Power Ponies, my goal was to emphasize his maturity, even for a baby dragon.

I was on time, and close! Nothing could stop me now!

* Wooden growl *

Son of a Nag....

Note to self if I survive this: ... Never Ever Ever ever etc.... even think that phrase again. It is permanently on the no-no list here.

Fricking cartoon causality.

Oh yeah, I was running for my life, as I hear that giant ~Censored~ Timberwolf bounding this way.

Running away... running away... oh look, there's Spike.... Spike!?

“HiSpikeNoTimeToTalk! Comewithmeifyouwantolive!” I blurt out as I scoop him up from the ground and toss him headfirst into the basket.

Spike's head pops out of the basket and he looks behind me, in shock, “Oh Celestia, not him again!?”

“It would seem that the stickdogs are aiming for bigger prey than they used to.” I pant as I zigzag between some trees.

I spot what I am looking for, a tight cluster of trees with an entrance barely bigger than me and much smaller than Dire Timberwolf back there. I dive in stopping for a moment to catch my breath.

“Jeez! Well Spike, I was gonna try this gradually but it looks like fate's decided differrent.”

Spike cringes, shivering “What are you going to do?”

“Consider it an exercise in applied confidence. I need you to focus on me, ignore everything else.”
I move to face him directly, taking him out of the basket.

Spike looks uncertain, “Umm, Ok” he watches me.

Here's the fun part.

“Honestly dude, I'm surprised you haven't grown more, then I realized you lack perspective.”

“What?” Spike looks confused.

“Let's go back to the Power Ponies incident, you know what I mean. You rescued all of the girls, each and every one. Why?”

“That's a stupid question, because I caused it!”

“So you don't care about them or desire to protect them? You were just making up for a mistake?”

“ No! umm Yes! Wait, I care about all of them!”

“Would you protect them, keep them safe?”

“Yes!” As he says this I start to see my goal realizing. He's growing,

“Looking at it from a dragon's perspective, would you call them your hoard? Are your most precious possessions your friends!”

“You're right! “ says a teenage sized Spike, he's grinning like crazy as he looks at his claws and legs.

“Congratulations. You've completed stage 1.”

“What?” Teen Spike looks at me confused.

“ We are far from done here. Time for round 2. So, the girls are your hoard, Who else does that include? The Sparkles, The Cakes, The Apples? The Belle's? The CMC's? Sunset Shimmer?

“Yes, yes, yeah, yeah! Of course!” Spike is growing even faster now. I think he's getting it, I'm starting to run out of room.

“Now round 3.... What do you think about all the ponies in Ponyville? Are they in your hoard? How about Celestia, Luna, Cadence and Shining armor? Would you protect them as your treasures?”

“YES!” Spike Roars as the cluster of trees explodes as Spike outgrows it. At this point I have climbed onto his back for safety.

The Timberwolf pauses in his prowling and tilts his head, staring at the scene.

“One last question! You saved the whole of the Crystal Empire! Do you claim it for your hoard!?

“I CLAIM IT!” Spike is huge now. Grinning ferociously at me on his back.

The Timberwolf decides here is not a safe place for him and turns to run.

“Your hoard is under threat right now! That Timberwolf is attacking ponies, YOUR Ponies!” My legs shake from the deep growl coming from UberSpike. “It's a bug to you now! Squash it!”

Spike swing one massive claw and rendered the fleeing Timberwolf into chips and wood scrap.

“Ok, the threat is gone! Now can you bring it back down? You've done it before. Be humble remember.”

Spike nods, closes his eyes, and shrinks, down down, rapidly but less so than his sudden change during his last growth episode.

I'm forced to hop off his back and watch him as he returns to his baby dragon size, well maybe a little bigger.

He grins, “That was fun!”

“The best part about this kind of hoard? You don't need to keep it anywhere, it's self maintaining. And... you never lost control. Excellent work, I would be proud to be included in your hoard of friends.” I offer a hand.

Spike smiles and takes it giving a firm shake.

“Oh almost forgot, Here's a little treat from Rarity and yours truly. “

Spike's eyes go wide at the gems, comic book and the bottle of soda, “Awesome! Thanks!”

“Hey man I knew fences needed to be mended. Between you and me, ya just didn't recognize
you're a superhero, Dragon-kin. You just needed to remember who you truly are.”

(cue the deep emotional bs music.)

(Which stops immediately when) Spike belches earthshakingly after chugging the soda.

“Good one little bro” I raise a bro-fist.

Spike chuckles and pounds it.

“So you ready for more cool stuff?”

“Always!”

“The ladies are due shortly, Let's get to AJ's.”

Author's Note

MORE MADNESS! ENJOY!

Explaining Spike: Passing the Joint

And that is how Spike became a badass. Oh right, I just finished that part.

For the next part, We will have to sidestep in time to about...

10 minutes ago:

Big Mac is hard at work. Today is just like any other, Yesterday ended with a 'surprise' party... Some do, some don't.

Just another fine sunny day in Equestria, hauling apples.

That new Stallion... thing was a funny looker, no fur to speak of, cept his mane. and he walked around like them
Minotaurs. It definitely takes all kinds.

"Eeyup,"

Mac had just finished offloading several bushels and was about to go after his last load for the day when he heard the
loud deep howling.

"Eeee...crap."

Mac immediately dropped his cart harness and ran for the Apple House.

He burst in the front door, "Jackie!"

Applejack pokes her head into the living room from the kitchen, "Mac? Whats botherin ya?"

Mac holds the door open, as another howl rings through the air, "That. It's huntin." He then lets the door close.

Applejack stomps a hoof, "Dagnabbit! And I just put pies in the oven, too!"

Mac smirks, "Ahl take over, go be a hero."

AJ grins "Thanks Mackie," and rushes up the stairs "I hope this thing works" She mutters as she bursts into her room and
grabs an orange gem from her nightstand. She frowns as she tries to remember her activation phrase..
"Ohh yeah... 'Fabulous!' "

The orange gem glows with light, and AJ feels her cutie mark pulse, looking back it is glowing with an orange light.

"Alright, That's done, the girls should be here soon."

A groaning of wood and a loud crash can be heard in the woods nearby followed by a massive roar.

"Ohh Great, Whut now?!" AJ turns and heads back down. She skips stairs heading down and meets Mac on the porch.
"What was that?"

By this time, Granny Smith has made her way out to the porch, "What in tarnation's makin all that noise, I was havin my
beauty nap!"

"That timberwolf's got competition." Jackie can see a huge purple dragon looming out of Whitetail woods.

The Dragon growls deeply and they watch it take a swing. A loud crash and the howling stops suddenly.

"Sounds like it lost." Mac quips Mac, rolling the straw in his mouth.

A loud crack and a Rainboom appears in the sky, and a blue blur angles towards the farmhouse. Rainbow Dash comes in for an
expert landing in the yard near the porch. "Sup Apples? A dragon? Oh great...."

AJ glares at RD, "Now why cain't you land like that all the time, Stead o crashing through the window?"

RD grins and brushes a hoof against her chest, "Hey, that's part of what makes me awesome!"

Big Mac snorts, "Property damage ain't awesome."

RD glares in the direction of the dragon. "Now what are we gonna do about this? Wait... is that somepony on it's back?"

As they watch the Dragon begins shrinking back down out of sight.

RD shakes her head, "What the buck? Gonna go scout." She leaps back into the air and heads toward the disturbance.

A couple minutes later Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie and Fluttershy arrive.

Twilight asks, "What's going on?"

Mac shrugs, "Was a Timberwolf, got smashed by a dragon, now both'r gone." he heads back into the house to watch the pies.

"A dragon? Wait Zed and Spike are supposed to be near there!" Twilight shakes her head, "Hope they are safe."

Rainbow skims in and lands shortly after, "Hi Girls, I checked it out and all I saw was Spike and Zed coming this way."

AJ blinks, "No huge dragon?"

RD shrugs extending a hoof, "Just the little one."

At this point Zed, with Spike riding his shoulders, approaches the farmhouse.

*POV change*

I grin and set Spike down on the grass, "Afternoon ladies! Glad you could all show up."

Rarity runs up and gives Spike and me a big hug, "Oh I was so worried, Applejack says there was a Timberwolf and a
Dragon!"

"Well there was a Timberwolf, Big motherbucker too." I grin and pat Spike on his scaly head, "Lil Bro here took it out..."

A collective "What!?" from the six, Granny wakes up a little confused, having dozed off again.

Applejack steps forward, "Yer tellin me that huge purple dragon was... Spike?"

Spike grins and crosses his arms, "Eeyup."

Rarity looks back and forth between me and Spike, "Darling... What in Equestria did you do?"

I take a seat on the porch next to AJ and chuckle, "I am gonna call it an 'inspired crash course in dominance'."

Twilight looks confused and a little upset, "What? A lesson in dominance?"

I sigh, "Spikes, I think we need to demonstrate... Gimme Stage One."

Spike grins and cracks his claw knuckles. "you got it." He closes his eyes and concentrates, and slowly he grows into
Teenage Spike, Standing about a head shorter than me on his hind legs. "Whatta ya think?"

Twilight, threatening to go Super Saiyan, steps up and pokes me in the chest with a hoof. "HOW?!"

"You want the technical details or the short and... wait Dash is here... Short and sweet it is...Spike Owns Equestria."

The chorus of confused looks tells me what I was expecting.

"Do you want to know how I came to that conclusion?"

The chorus of equally confused nods answers that question.

"Spike! Go stage two!"

"Awesome!" Spike closes his eyes and focuses again, this time growing to the height of the apple residence, he brings his
head down on it's long neck and nuzzles Twilight.

"Now you see. Dragons are essentially this worlds ultimate protectors. it's their primary behavior, it's why they have
hoards, to guard them. The bigger the hoard, the bigger the dragon."

Twilight smiles timidly at Spike and touches his nose with a hoof, "I know that part..."

"Yes, now We need to look at the definition of a 'hoard'. To yer average pony on the street a dragons heard is a pile of
treasure, a bunch of things of high value, some priceless. What I had Spike think about, is What does he consider of
value..."

Twilight blinks, "I'm following you so far..."

I nod, collecting Fluttershy into my lap and scratching her neck, She giggles softly and leans int my hand. "This part you
should know too. Spike was raised like a pony by the Princess of Friendship and the Princess of the Sun. Valuing
friendship has been a part of his life since he got to ponyville... Now what does that mean?"

Twilight blinks, something having clicked in her head. "it means... to him that his friends are valuable."

I grin and point at Twi, "Gold Star, Purple Stuff! If his friends are his prized 'possessions', then one could say that
his friends are his hoard. Right?"

Five sets of large pony eyes widen, and a few "Ahhs" ring out as the rest make the connection.

"Now... Who does Spike consider his friends? Everybody right? You girls, your families, The entire town, knows and loves
him for exactly what he is. To any other dragon... Spike Owns Ponyville. And...."

Twilight blinks, "And?"

"Lets see, He is friend and family to both Celestia and Luna, and all the servants and guards of Canterlot know who he is
and respect him..."

Pinkie looks fit to burst. She open her mouth to speak.

"One moment Pinkster. We aren't nearly done yet."

She giggles and nods.

"Spike, with the help of Cadence and Twilight, rescued the ponies of the Crystal Empire, There's even a huge statue of him
there.. So, In essence, He 'owns' that too. So, to any other dragon Spike has a gargantuan hoard, All the ponies in Ponyville,
The Crystal Empire, and most of the ponies in Canterlot! His hoard, is second only to the Dragon Lord, and he's good
friends with her too!"

I extend a fist to Spike, who counters with one clawtip, Which I brofist. "A facet of his dragon code is that he protects
anything that he considers his hoard. If Equestria, by way of Celestia, is part of his hoard, Spikey Wikey here... is for
lack of a better way of saying, is the the most powerful dragon in Equestria. Maybe even the Whole world. Now how's that
for Humdrum?"

Spike has this huge-ass grin on his face, and not just because his face is huge currently.

By this time the ladies are awestruck, even Dash is standing and staring at Spike, They realized that the cute little Butt
Monkey of the group has suddenly taken a crash course in ultra-badass.

I smirk and tickle Fluttershy's ear, eliciting another giggle, so damn cute. "Now By his Dragon code, Anyone who saves his
life he promises to protect and help in any way he can. I can easily say that he's been rescued in one way or another from
certain doom by each and every one of you ladies, Cadence, Celestia, the list goes on. So, By his code, he's required to
help, protect and keep safe, Equestria. Just like all of you."

"Conversely, I have also instructed him to keep humble unless he's needed." I give Spike a nod, "Bring it down Bro,
Demonstration over."

Spike gives a really big thumbs up and starts shrinking.

Twilight has the look of gears spinning in her head, "I didnt even realize...."

"And rightly you didn't. As long as Spike here keeps humble about it, he's gonna remain in his passive form as your ever-
faithful assistant, even when he starts growing naturally."

Spike has returned to his new normal, about a head taller than he was. and he runs up and gives Twilight a hug, which she
happily returns. He takes his place on Twi's back.

"What my thought is, is that he's our new ringer. If the stuff starts flying so hard and fast that we can't keep up with
it, nothing ends an argument like multiple tons of muscle and fire. And I do say 'Our'. I'm no pony. I'll freely admit
that Humankind has been in the business of warfare since we learned how to hit each other with sticks. What I am offering
all you ladies is my unique perspective on your skills and powers and how they can be used at need to protect Equestria"

Fluttershy looks up at me, "But you're so peaceful, and nice? How could you be a warrior?"

I glance over at Rarity, "Care to give them an idea?"

Rarity blinks, then nods, "When we were escaping the tunnels, He took up his pickaxe, broke chains and single handedly
cleared a path through a horde of diamond dogs, to rescue myself and all those other ponies. He can handle himself in a
fight, I'll attest to that."

I smile softly at Flutters, "When I meet Rares, I made the choice to be a guardian as well. and that I won't let anything
stop me from doing so. You." I boop Fluttershy's nose, "Are safe with me."

Flutters blushes and hides in her mane.

"All that disclosure aside, I have been thinking... and I have some ideas for each one of you that I think you could use.
I would like to spend some one-on-one time with each of you to implement my ideas. Before that though, I need to make some
preparations, some new gear needs to be made for some of you. and the source of some of that gear is my car. Applejack, If
you would be so kind, take me there?"

Author's Note

Favorite quote from this section:
Humankind has been in the business of warfare since we learned how to hit each other with sticks.

The Beast, the Redneck and the Harlot

Applejack grins broadly and nods, "C'mon Everypony!" She hops off the porch and heads towards one of the outbarns.

I chuckle, set Flutters down and begin following the herd after AJ.

Applejack pushes open the barn doors and I see my ride.

Affectionately referred to as 'The Beast',
He's a 57 Chevy Nomad, that's a station wagon for the average joe, jacked up on all terrain truck tires, and converted to a hybrid. The big V-6 engine has long since been removed and replaced with a large brace of batteries, a smaller generator engine and convertors, all of which fit inside the large engine compartment easily.

The Beast is a high-tech Wasteland-Punk styled 'Rat Ride' A type of muscle car where simple is best, painted fat primer grey, Few of the original chrome pieces remain. The classic fins along the sides are solid black to contrast the primer grey.

Up front, a large grill guard with a heavy duty winch rests. Atop the roof is a custom welded roof rack including a set of folded solar panels for trickle feeding the power system, dual front facing Ultralights, and a spotlight/goPro camera mounted between them on a custom motorized rig. Before my location change I could pack almost an entire SCA war party's camp kit on the top and in the spacious back end.

I pause... there's something different about it. It seems... bigger than I remember it. I come to the side... and there's an extra set of doors... What? There used to be a driver and a passenger door, now there's an extra door, and the entire body is extended seamlessly as though a master welder has come in quietly and made the change while I was gone.

"Applejack? Did the guards do anything to my car since it was found?"

"Zed, I don't even think they'd know where to begin."

"Ok, Let's ask him ourselves."

"Him?"

After glancing at the headlights, and seeing the yellow set of LED's in the array embedded in the headlights is glowing, I know it's batteries aren't dead.

I reach up to the driver side door, and tap my code into the keypad I ripped out of the wreck of another car.

I step back and listen to the machine's systems come online. Being a total geek I integrated a computer system into the Beast with it's own custom coding and sounds, crossbreeding that with the power management system of a totaled Prius. The whirring of the cooling fans spin up sounding almost like a miniature turbine. The headlights flash green then go steady, and after a moment, it speaks in a loud, deep bassy voice.

"SPEAK THE WORDS."

At that Fluttershy squeaks and hides behind my legs and all the ponies are staring at the car.

I repeat the quote from memory, "Give me a lever, and a fulcrum upon which to place it, and I can move the world."

"ACCEPTED." The voice drops to a medium volume, "Greetings Master."

Then something surprising happens.

A moment of static and then I hear the voice of Scooter from the Borderlands series pipes up. "Shit and meatballs son! Where the hell have you been!? We gotta be in BFE, Ahm getting jack shit fer signals, Even the GPS is offline. Where the hell are we man?"

"uhh... Scooter?"

"In the flesh... well so to speak. Ya'll know you can always come to Scooter's and Catcharide!"

"What are you doing... in my car?"

"Ah hell son, Ever since that electrical surge all yer data's gone mish-mashy in here, it's also when all the signals went dead. Then there were these weird lookin ponies who parked me in here..." The spotlight mounted camera comes active on top and scans me and my erstwhile crew. "Ahh shit... sorry bout that, Ah din't know they was yer friends."

"What happened to you.. err the car?"

"Ah don't know, the last thing I saw before I went offline was this thing that looked like one a Doc Ned's experiments in a mechanic's suit. Hang on lemme wake Moxxi and she'll pull up a pitcher of Im'."

"Wait... Moxxi?"

"Oh yeah! She done settled in yer laptop!"

Oh great, the Queen of Innuendo has taken up residence in my laptop. What the hell. Oddly appropriate in a Fridge Logic way.

"Anything... or Anyone else to report?"

"Well sure! Bloodwing's in yer Raptor, and Marcus is in charge of the Forge."

"Umm... Wow, So the drone I just got and... What's the Forge?"

"That there primitive digistruct system y'all got in the back."

"You're not saying...the 3D printer too?"

"That there weird mechanic's been busy son, All I gotta tell ya is yer ride just got even more awesome! Roxxi! Wake up! The Boss is here!"

I step around to the driver's door which opens automatically, and take a seat. My favorite game series, Borderlands 1 and 2, have been on my laptop since I got it. I never expected it to take over. I turn my head and see that my Gateway system, also oddly larger, is automatically opening and powering on, with a sultry yawn, nonetheless. I ease the seat back and set the machine on my lap.

Moxxi fades into visibility on the screen in her usual too-tight outfit and says,"Good mornin Sugar, It's been a while since I've sat in your lap. So... Have I been a good girl or a bad girl?"

Now I recall I had the laptop connected to the car's power, network, and the big screen, but I never expected this.

"Moxxi, You are always a bad girl, but aside from that, do you have any idea what happenned? Are the rest of the characters as ... aware as you and Scooter?"

"Oh hun, We're all in here, it's a party and everybody's invited." She turns the 'camera' and I see all of them, All 10 vault hunters, Doc Zed, Tiny Tina, Scooter, Marcus, Ellie, Mr Torgue, ButtStallion, Even Handsome Jack, and a crew of psychos, Nomads, loaders, and badasses, every character from both games are hanging out in Moxxi's bar set. Even Innuendo Bot, the robot priest, is doing shots of what looks like WD40 at the bar.

I shake my head to clear it. "Sorry wasnt expecting this. Please bring up the last video footage before the system went down."

"Sure thing Honey, business before pleasure, as long as there is pleasure afterward." She pushes a window across that shows royal guard ponies clustered around the car, pushing it into the barn, then closing the doors, the video fast forwards according to the counter in the corner, I see the sun tracing it's path through cracks in the door, two days or so pass, and then with a flash and a spray of rubber ducks, Dischord in a mechanic's outfit with the name 'Disco' appears. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a wrench glowing with arcane symbols and wipes it with a rag, then he grins at the camera and the feed cuts out.

No fucking way...

Dischord... pimped my ride?

I don't know whether to be orgasmically ecstatic or scared shitless.

I look out and all the girls are staring at me.

"Zed, Are you ok?" Rarity asks, looking at me worried, as well as the rest of them look concerned.

"Ummm ... I need a moment." I set the laptop aside, reach under the seat and find the plastic bin, pulling it forward between my legs. I open it, and pull out my pipe, lighter, and the baggy... I load it with great care and spark up, taking a long drag...

Don't judge me. Before all this pony crap happened, I had a medical card for two cracked vertebrae, so shut the hell up.

I clear the bowl and relax....

Pinkie sniffs, "Hmm. Smells like The Kush family's medical herbs."

No way... The Kush family?

"Pinks? Are you serious? Wait, That's not the right question to ask... Can I meet them later on?"

Pinkie nodnods, "Of course, Silly! They have a shop in Ponyville! Right next to Berry Punch's Brewery!"

"Well, that's awesome." I take a deep breath. "later....Right now, Scooter?"

"Yeah Boss?"

"It's time for a test drive. Please help the ladies get in."

"On it! This gonna be good!"

The rest of the doors swing open and at this point I am not surprised... little ramps extend down from the car, making access to the seats easy. Twilight and Rarity take up the rest of the front bench, the rest fill up the second bench, except Rainbow, who lands on top where there's a fold out seat. She taps on the roof, "Let's get this wagon rolling!"

A slow grin crosses my face. "You asked for it Dashie. Ladies, I'd advise you use the seat belts, they pull across and have a latch on the other side." A bunch of clicking noises and everybody's secure.

I ease on the accelerator and take it out of the barn, "Ok Scooter, tome for your catch phrase...."

"Catch... a... RIIIIDEEEEE!" At that I floor it, feeling the ground grabbing tires yank the car and everyone else in it down the wagon path to the entrance to Sweet apple acres.

Cranking the wheel, the car shimmies as I line it up to the main road.

"Deejay! Track 42!" As we tear down the road to Ponyville the sound system starts cranking.

"Oh hell yeah!" I see the corner coming up, and an evil grin crosses my face, I punch it, crank the wheel and then ease the Beast into a four wheel dirt drift, throwing roostertails of dust behind us.

I pull out of the drift and right up ahead is the bridge... I line it up, "Brace yourselves!" I manage to shout before we hit it, launching the car into the air.

Sticking the landing, I hit the brakes, backing way down, pulling the car discreetly behind Carousel Boutique.

Moxxi's voice comes on over the sound system, "Thank you for Flying Beast Airlines, Please put your tray tables and seat backs in an upright position before exiting the vehicle." Moxxi reappears on the screen leaning forward provacatively, "Oh honey, with the way you drive, you got me all turned on."

"Moxxi, on that subject, go back to the party, Hibernate mode. And thanks, Sexy."

"Anything for you, Sugar." She turns and faces the bar, and the screen goes black on one heck of a butt shot.

The doors pop open and the ramps extend. The ladies exit, as do I.

I step away from the rest, "Dischord! you Mix and Match Sonovabitch, Where are you?"

"Somepony called my name?" an eyeball opens up in the space in front of me and looks around.

"You know damn well who."

The eye blinks and opens wide, looking at me. It then pops out, followed shortly by the rest of him squeezing out like

toothpaste from a tube. "So, How are things?"

"Lookin up, Definitely lookin up. So was it you who put me here?"

"Oh no, That wasnt me, that was the Author."

"Oh right.. him. I gotta admit, the show writers wouldn't be able to get this kinda shit past the censors."

Dischord grins "It was his idea to let me at your car too, It's now a three way hybrid, "Scooter, pop the hood!"

Moxxi's voice quips sounding a bit hurt, "You never wanna see my undercarriage."

I roll my eyes, "With what you typically wear Moxxi, it's already on display."

A pleased giggle, "Oh so you admit you look."

"Whatever, Dischord, Lay it on me."

"See that blue crystal there? That is a magic converter, Since magic is the main source of power here, I figured you'd appreciate the upgrade."

"Really?"

"Of course, Only the best for our unusual guests."

"Sweet. So Why am I here?"

"You sure you wanna know?"

"I'm already guessing that some godawful mess is getting ready to happen and they need me for training, equipment and awesomeness..."

Dischord nods. "Very astute... Be patient, take your time and enjoy it while you can."

"Ok. Thanks man, especially for the vehicular makeover, just one question... Why Borderlands."

"Are you kidding? Nothing else you play has as much character!"

"Ahh."

Dischord waves an arm and materializes a door, one of the ones that leads into Moxxi's bar, he steps in, "Let's get this party started!" A cheer from the crowd, and the door shuts and dedigistructs.

It's Dischord, He can do what he wants.

Author's Note

A two-fer this time!

Enjoy!

Prologue: In the Doghouse

“GET UP, APE THING!”

Pain...

My eyes creaked open slowly. I had a massive headache and my whole body hurt.

I saw darkness, stone floor and walls, wooden bars.... I was in a dungeon? What the hell was I doing in a dungeon?

My jailer opened the door and stepped in kicking me in the side with a clawed foot, “GET UP!”

I groaned and made it to my hands and knees, when I felt the sting of something snapping across my back.

I lifted my head and looked at my captor's... dirty grey fur? A stained brown vest adorned with gems, a stick, dog collar... and... fangs...

Sunova....... I must be hallucinating.

I was too sore to be in shock, or tripping balls.

Crap....

Thankfully, My inner monologue jumped to several conclusions at the same time, pulling together some barely remembered events:

The Haboob, A storm that had blown a massive cloud of dust and debris into Phoenix from the desert... An SCA meet... I was driving to the event and there was a white out, too much dust to see anything past my windshield, then... nothing... I cant recall anything past that.

… and now I'm staring into the face of what could only be a Diamond dog... Looking out the door of the cell I saw one of the bulldog looking guards, his beady eyes staring at me under the rim of his helmet.

Yes.

Brony.

Deal.

Moving on....

I sat up and shook my head, wincing as a spike of pain came back. I touched my head and found a gash in my scalp, My shoulder length hair was matted with crusted blood.

God, I must have looked a fright.

The runty looking jailer glared at me as I took stock, scrapes, bruises, specifically a massive one across the left shoulder, probably from the seat belt. Which means my car... I didn't wanna think about it.

However it does explain the head trauma...

My garb was mostly missing, they at least had left me my shirt, pants and boots, for what it's worth, so I had something to be a little thankful for.

But yeah, this sucks. On a lighter note, at least I didn't crash land in the Everfree.

How the hell did I land in Equestria?

More immediately, why am I a prisoner of the Diamond Dogs? Actually that one's self explanatory.....

Of all the ways to arrive in this universe, Why did fate pick this one?

I rubbed my face then yelped as the runt smacked me across the back with his stick.

"MOVE!"

Mystriously teleported to a land of magic, joy, and enchantment, and your welcoming committee is a dirty little bastard with a sadistic streak.

Wonderful.