Everypony Talksby Comet BurstChaptersIt started with a whisperMama's always got a backtrackWhen everybody talks, babeEverypony talks too muchI can hear the chit-chatIt started with a whisper"EXTRA EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! COFFEE INDUSTRY IN DISARRAY THANKS TO SUN PRINCESS!" Few things caused Princess Celestia's jaw to drop these days. She had seen many things in her time as Princess of Equestria, ranging from things so small that it shocked modern ponies all the way to world shaking events like invasions and chaos incarnate's escape from his prison. Empires had disappeared and reappeared during her reign, great friends and foes alike had left their marks on the world and a certain small purple filly managed to hatch a dragon egg and even make him grow. Still, sometimes there were things in the world that even she couldn't believe. Ponies that weren't crowding around her were over at a small papercolt, shouting at the top of his lungs. Most of the time, the ponies that surrounded her when she stepped out of the castle were wearing wide grins and sparkling eyes, a sign of their respect and admiration for her. Today, however, a mix of teary eyes, angry glares and puffy bottom lips greeted her, even as her loyal guards fought to keep them at bay. "Why, Princess?" One mare whimpered, "I like coffee." "What do you have against coffee drinkers?!" A stallion shouted in the distance. "I know you like tea, but you don't have to destroy the coffee industry for it!" Celestia was at a complete loss for words as she stood there, utterly dumbfounded by her beloved little ponies comments. What on Equestria were they rambling about? She was told there was an unease in the town square today, but certainly never expected to be the epicenter of it. Hundreds of ponies were already in the square, each standing defiantly and some even holding up empty coffee cups at her as if it was a form of protest. "I, uh, I --er," she managed to stammer before the volume of the voices rose in unison. Everypony in the square eventually started shouting at her, vying for Celestia's attention. Her wonderful magenta eyes swept back and forth as she tried to find some escape from the crowd in the form of a smiling face, but to her dismay, none could be found. The crowd seethed with sadness and anger as ponies kept pouring into the square, filling it past its capacity. Princess Celestia had never felt so lost in a crowd before. Here were hundreds of her beloved subjects, each shouting something at her about something that made no sense. She was trying to destroy the coffee industry? How? No seriously, how? All she had done in the past day was raise the sun, eat breakfast, go out for a cup of tea before meeting with the dignitaries from Minotarus and then lower the sun. She had done absolutely nothing to the coffee industry as a whole in the almost three hundred years since it had been discovered. Masking her anger, she willed her horn to glow as a newspaper lifted away from the newscolt shouting to keep up with the crowd. A couple of bits materialized in his pouch, since Celestia was an honest pony, and she narrowed her eyes as the newsprint neared her face. EXTRA! COFFEE INDUSTRY IN TURMOIL! Sun Princess goes to coffee shop and orders tea! Entire chain in complete chaos! Princess Celestia, the royal ruler if all Equestria, was seen yesterday heading over to a local coffee chain to sip on a quick drink. Her smile and wonderful demeanor, however, hid her darker motives well. In a shop that is known for selling coffee, she made the drastic move to challenge the chain's foundations by ordering a drink that wasn't on the menu: tea. Stunning the crew beyond words, she had set her wicked plan in motion. Once the poor crew had made her the drink, the owner promptly started a radical change, the removal of coffee from the menu and, quite possibly, all of Equestria. "We need to move on with the times!" He boldly proclaimed to the store once the Princess had left, "If the Princess has moved on from coffee, then so should we! If she requests tea be the drink of choice, we need to do our best to make sure everypony drinks tea!" In a radical move, the owner reportedly threw out all of his former customers who came by for their usual cup of coffee, claiming that they needed to keep up with the times or live in the stone age. Outrage quickly formed and soon, your very own prolific reporter got to ask the owner how this all started. "What I heard was that, after taking a sip of the tea we brewed for her, the Princess remarked that if only all ponies would drink that over coffee. I took the measures I thought were appropriate for her---" A cry of disgust erupted from Celestia as she crumpled the newspaper in a barely concealed irritation, wadding it up into a ball of incoherent ramblings. She had never said that! What in Equestria were all these ponies thinking, claiming that she had remarked that coffee needed to be done away with?! Frustrated, Celestia willed the newspaper to disappear with a soft pop and eyed the same coffee shop she had visited yesterday. Ponies lined the glass walls of the establishment, clambering over each other to get in as if they were giving away free drinks. She ground her teeth in anger and soon started to march towards the place, wanting nothing more than to have a few stern words with the owner. She had barely made it a few steps before the crowd of ponies stacked in front of her, shouting incoherently at Celestia for accusations that were wholly untrue. Her stern gaze melted into one of her most friendly faces she could muster at that point, but it had little effect on the caffeine addled ponies before her. Most of them wore horribly colored plaid scarves along with heavy rimmed glasses and a silly pointed hat, but she made her best effort to smile reassuringly to them. Things only dissolved further from there as the shouting became more coherent, forming a saying all the ponies were calling in unison. Even for Celestia, it was kind of impressive when they did that. "Coffee is good, tea is bad! Give back what we had!" The crowd rumbled at her, causing Celestia's sweet smile to vanish. A look of utter horror crept across her features as her pupils shrunk to pinpricks and her mouth became little more than a frown. Her ponies were rioting at her? The ponies she cared for all her life were chanting slogans at her all because a coffee shop owner had heard a rumor about what she had said? Shaking the shock from her head, Celestia straightened herself up and tried to march to the coffee shop again, only to have the crowd grow more agitated. "Traitor!" one pony shouted to her before somepony behind him gave a nice shove to reach the line of guards surrounding her. The pony felt his side move involuntarily and his cup of coffee flew at the guard, the steaming black liquid reaching out to him as if it was going to take it's own revenge on him. The guard's pupils shrunk to an incredibly small size as he prepared for the scalding liquid to hit against his face. The blistering pain from the liquid never came, though. A shimmering blue aura of magic surrounded his face, protecting his features from a horrible disfigurement by a sludge-like cup of hours old coffee. His eyes twitched as the brown substance rolled down the magical aura protecting him and, with a shaking turn of his head, spun to see Princess Celestia looking at him with worry and her horn glowing. "Fall back!" The lead guard shouted to the rest of her bodyguards, each one inching back towards the castle. Celestia's aura disappeared, along with the coffee, and she turned to the guard, shouting over the crowd, "No! I need to reach that shop!" "It's too dangerous here, my Princess!" He roared back as he pushed another protester back, "Get her to safety!" As one, the guards tried to inch farther back even as Princess Celestia protested to no avail. The space in front of her collapsed as more ponies poured in, defending the coffee shop from her tea-drinking onslaught. With a final cry of protest, Celestia and her guards were wrapped in a blue aura before disappearing into thin air, leaving the crowd cheering in her wake. Inside her royal chambers, Celestia fumed quietly onto a scrap of parchment she had addressed to the newspaper itself. Her feelings of anger poured out in what she deemed to be a letter of the highest rebuke, one that most ponies would quiver in fear of. Line after line brought down heavy words of condemnation, forceful sayings of stern correction and, finally, her first dirty word in a letter. After about three more minutes of her quill etching into the letter, she leaned back and sneered into it, quite pleased with herself. To the establishment owner, I am quite disappointed by your actions against a rumor that has circulated regarding me and your coffee. I hold the upmost respect for the wonderful drink distilled from the magical coffee bean and believe that you may have overreacted to some mere words. I do implore you to please rethink your actions as they have caused me quite a bit of distress, so much that it pains me to leave my castle. I do not wish any harm onto your establishment and do wish to continue business there and not at some lower class establishment. Please take my words to heart as I do wish to see you and your industry prosper. Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia Celestia held her head up, feeling as proud as Philomena did after she groomed herself. The letter had been a wonderful outlet for her feelings of anger and frustration, a pointed one she expected to strike fear into the foolish heart of the troublemaker. Her revelry was broken, though, by a short knock before a sleepy blue pony teleported in wearing some pink pajamas covered in silvery crescent moons. She also wore a cute fuzzy nightcap that ended on a pink fluffy ball, which somehow didn't get lost in her starry mane. "Sister," Luna spoke through a yawn, "Please inform us as to what that infernal racket is outside." "It is the sound of foolishness, dear sister," Celestia replied in a matter-of-fact tone, "One that I will soon have quelled." Luna, half-asleep and eyelids drooping, turned to the open window where the noise from Canterlot Square came through faintly. Her face remained expressionless as she stared out to the sky beyond before returning her tired gaze back to her older sibling. "What are they calling about?" she asked in a dazed tone. Celestia let out a miffed snort before she answered, "They think I'm trying to overthrow the coffee industry because I went there yesterday to get a cup of tea. I just stopped by because I thought it was--" "Wait, what?" Luna asked in confusion, "They think you're what?" "Overthrowing the coffee industry." Celestia answered quickly, "Anyway, that's not the point. What I was saying was--" "You're what?" "It's nothing, Luna. Just silliness on--" "Overthrowing the coffee industry?" "No, I'm not. Somepony took my words out of context and--" "You're overthrowing the COFFEE INDUSTRY?" Celestia sighed deeply before answering, "Luna, I don't think you're--" "WHY?!" Luna demanded in the Royal Canterlot Voice, waking from her dreamy stupor, "WHAT HATH THE INNOCENT BEAN OF THE COFFEE PLANT DONE TO YOU THIS TIME?!" "Nothing, Luna! I just went there and--" "WHY DID YOU DESECRATE THE SACRED BREWERY OF THE MAGIC MORNING DRINK WITH YOUR TEA?!" "Luna, it's called--" "AND WHY DID YOU DO THIS WHILE THOU KNEW WE WOULD BE ASLEEP?! WHY, IF MOTHER WAS HERE..." "She'd hear me out first before jumping to conclusions," Celestia answered pointedly. Luna narrowed her eyes at her and tried to look as menacing as she could before a super squishy blue pillow materialized behind her and she planted her royal rump on it. "Speak quickly, sister, as we have not had our morning coffee yet, thanks to thee." Celestia pressed a hoof to her forehead and sighed deeply before a soft pop echoed in the room and the crumpled newspaper reappeared. Luna eyed it cautiously before uncrumpling it herself and peered over the headlines, her sapphire eyes chugging along like a locomotive. In mere seconds, she had finished the whole article and brought her gaze back to Celestia. "So, thou thought it wise to make such a comment in the midst of others?" she asked monotonously. "But I didn't say such things!" Celestia protested, her eyes flaring dangerously, "I just said that the tea was delicious and left!" Luna's gaze refused to soften, but her body language spoke volumes. She brought the newspaper back to her tired eyes, scanned it again and then crumpled it up with her own magic much the same way Celestia had earlier. The heap of cheap newsprint sailed through the air behind her and disappeared into the rest of the room. "So, what does thou have planned to quell the unrest?" A smug smile that Luna had not seen in a long time graced Celestia's muzzle as her horn glowed. A small piece of parchment levitated from the floor and hovered its way over to Luna, who took it with a confused look. She scanned it over just as fast as she had with the newspaper and turned her unimpressed eyes towards her sister. "Doth thou really think this is the best idea to handle this situation?" she asked, her voice laced with ancient sarcasm, "Because we can already tell the instigator will be trembling when he reads this." "I think the letter is fine the way it is," Celestia stated proudly, "It coveys all my anger and feelings on the matter. Plus, I even went as far as to use a dirty word in it." Celestia cooed at the feeling of rebelousness that flowed through her then, shivering in excitement, Luna, however, peered over the letter again, trying to decipher what her sister was playing at. "Is the dirty word 'establishment'?" she asked. "Well yes!" Celestia answered proudly, "The last time I used that word was in the Gryphon Kingdom where I used it to impress the king." Luna stared at her sister through half-lidded eyes and was about to say something when the door to Celestia's chambers burst open. The two Princesses turned with curiosity to see an out of breath guard panting heavily. He wheezed for several seconds before he attempted a sloppy salute. "My *pant* My Princess. The uprising has *wheeze* gotten out of hoof!" Celestia rose to her hooves and stood there, a shocked expression on her face. Her ponies wouldn't do anything drastic, would they? "What happened?" she asked tentatively. The guard heaved a few more breaths before answering. "They've... they've started throwing tea into the bay!" Author's Note Yeah, wrote this on two days of sleep deprivation. Probably going to delete it tomorrow. Enjoy while you can! Mama's always got a backtrackThe silence was as palpable to everypony in the square as the cobblestones beneath their hooves while they looked on in a tense silence. The crowd had been quiet for the last few minutes as their newest nemesis, the tea lover Princess Celestia, stood defiantly at the entrance to Canterlot square. Her magenta eyes were locked onto the coffee shop in the distance they were defending from her tyranny. The tense moment seemed to be building up to a climax as neither side moved. The Royal Guards that valiantly protected the Sun Princess had fanned out in front of her in a defensive formation, eyeing the crowd with icy stares while those nearest the Princess focused their attention on the line of guards. Somewhere off in the distance, a bird chirped happily as it flitted about its daily life, completely oblivious to the powder keg next to a flamethrower. Celestia gulped audibly as she stared, unsure of herself right then. The solution she had come up with, to pay a friendly visit to the coffee shop that had started all of this, was so much easier to explain to Luna than to actually do. Behind her, the Luna stood with an unimpressed look on her face. Her half-lidded stare at the crowd hid her bloodshot eyes from most of those who dared to not look her directly in the face. She had seen enough of this to know that, not only was Celestia's plan foolish, but the ponies they ruled over were also lacking on the common sense side. "Sister, we are getting impatient," she grumbled, "Move thy flank now or we will not go through with this plan." Celestia tried to will her hoof to move, to take a single step towards the coffee shop, but her limbs remained rooted to her current spot. If the experiences she had an hour earlier taught her anything, it was to not approach the coffee shop when all the ponies suffering from caffeine withdraw had gathered around it. Thankfully, the newscolt had disappeared, giving Celestia hope that maybe the ire of the crowd had diminished. To make a long story short, though, it hadn't. Taking a tentative step forward, Celestia's hope evaporated as the crowd erupted into a flurry of noise and movement, all centered around her. The commander shouted commands to the other guards as the group was assailed by a mass of bodies more numerous than them, holding firm but dangerously close to snapping. Celestia froze after that, wishing she knew the spell to go back in time and warn herself about this. Ironically, the crowd slowed their assault on her and stared at her once again, as if they were daring her to take another step. "THOU HAS TO BE KIDDING WITH US!" Luna shouted from behind her older sister, utterly frustrated with both sides. "Luna, please stay calm," Celestia whispered to her, "They can smell irritation." "WELL, IT MATTERS NOT NOW, DOES IT?!" She demanded, stomping one of her hooves into the ground. "Luna, please," Celestia pleaded in a hushed tone, "This needs to be handled very delicately." "MY FLANK IT DOES! STAND ASIDE, FOOLISH PONIES! WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!" At her command, a great shuffling occurred as the fuming Princess began stomping her way in the direction of the coffee shop. She marched right past her older sister, who watched her with shock and awe written all over her face, straight to the guards who protected them. Immediately, they all moved aside, allowing her to pass by, saluting as they did so. Much to everypony's surprise, though, members of the crowd parted as she approached, many looking up at her with fear and respect. Luna snorted angrily as she marched past them, her cranky mood parting the crowd. She made substantially more progress than her older sister had, about fourteen steps more, before the first dissenter decided to test her mettle. A lone mare stood before the irritated Lunar Princess, glaring back at her with sparkling emerald eyes. She wore a scarf of a horrible brown plaid design along with obnoxiously thick horn-rimmed glasses that Luna was sure were fake. Luna halted at her, both staring at each other defiantly. "Move aside," Luna commanded. "You can't tell me what to do, traitor," the mare answered back, "You are allied with your sister and I know what you plan to do." "Oh?" Luna asked, her voice raising with sarcasm, "And how do you know what we intend to do?" The mare puffed herself up, proudly standing before the Princess. "I wrote about it in my unpublished novel. I'm so cool that I wrote about this before it happened." The cracking noise was audible when Luna's temper broke, her eyes twitching again. She simply couldn't believe how dense these ponies really were. How did Celestia ever put up with the sheer stupidity of their subjects? Shaking herself away from the vice of making sense of dumb comments, Luna's eyes glowed white again and she opened her mouth wide. The roar that followed could only be described as epic. The sheer volume of it was inexplicable, but the force was intensely powerful. A violent wind wracked the whole square as Luna shouted in sheer anger and frustration, blowing away many of the empty coffee cups that littered the square, as well as many things not bolted down. The pony who stood before her simply stared at her with wide eyes as the wind buffeted her, blowing away the scarf and glasses. Her lips flapped about in the wind as she tried feebly to keep her hooves rooted to the stones below. As Luna finished the shout, the pony quivered before her like never before. With a small squeak, she hurried off to the side and into the ranks of the ponies who had formed a line around her. Satisfied, Luna resumed her march to the coffee shop in the distance, each step thundering across the silent courtyard. Eventually, she reached the glass doors and her horn glowed, forcing them to open with a haunting creak. As Luna entered the shop, a small voice in the back of her head caused her to notice the decor. It wasn't unpleasant to look at since the walls were a wonderful light brown color, looking like coffee mixed with milk, that led down to the matte black tiles covering the floor. Some pretty light green furniture was strewn about the room, the perfect shade to not make Luna hurl. Ambient lighting softly glowed from floating lanterns above her head, casting just enough light to illuminate anypony or anything that Luna might run into. That voice was instantly squelched, though, as she snorted angrily and stomped her way over to the counter. Behind the slab of laminated wood, a mare walked out from around the corner, smiling halfheartedly. "Welcome to... uh," she began before her eyes went wide. Her smile melted away as she regarded Luna, who glared back. The mare spun to the left, but her eyes went wide as the sound of doors shutting reached Luna's ears. Slowly, the mare turned to Luna and forced herself to smile, her braces twinkling. "Welcome, P-Princess Luna," she stammered, "W-Would you l-like to---" "Quiet thyself," Luna barked in her cranky manner, "Our mood is not one for patronizing." The poor mare gulped hard as Luna made eye contact with her. She wished she could've been anywhere else right then, like at home on her day off like she was supposed to doing right now. Why did she have to be here when a clearly angry Princess stood had just come in? Why couldn't her break have been just fifteen minutes earlier? "W-What can I g-get you, y-your highness?" She squeaked in a small voice. Luna cleared her throat right then, filling the poor mare with dread. "We would like..." She began. Outside, everypony gasped audibly as they pressed their faces to the windows, watching the scene unfold. Even from as far away as she was, Celestia gulped loudly, hoping Luna wasn't about to do what she thought she was. Back in the shop, Luna's eyes flashed dangerously to the young mare before her as she ended the dramatic pause. "To have the largest cup of your strongest coffee." Luna finished anticlimactically. The mare, along with everypony outside, blinked twice in shock. She shook her head after that, trying to clear her thoughts. "Oh, uh, we do have.... uh, our dark roast is the strongest one we have." She managed to say. "Then be quick about it," Luna growled, "Today hath been a most stressful one." "I can imagine." The mare replied with a lighthearted chuckle. Unfortunately, Luna continued to glare at her and the mare's giggle became an awkward cough. "Ahem, yes. One extra large dark roast coming right up." She stated in a monotone voice as she turned to the brewer behind her. With the push of a couple buttons, the machine whirred to life and the pleasing aroma of coffee filled the air. Luna sniffed it in slowly, her scowl softening a bit. Eventually, the mare turned back to her, holding a tall coffee cup in her hoof that steamed slightly from the minute hole in the lid. Ever so gently, she placed it on the laminated countertop as Luna's horn glowed, causing five glittering bits to materialize next to the cup. "Oh no, my Princess. This one is--" "TAKE THE BLASTED BITS!" Luna informed her in the Royal Canterlot Voice. The mare squeaked and quickly snatched the bits away, darting over to the register in the far corner. Luna, however, stared at the cup suspiciously before she took a sip of the steaming concoction. The scalding drink was mellow and bitter at the same time, filling her senses with an unusual clarity, just like she had wanted it to. Instantly, she could feel her crankiness melt away under the dark roast, causing her to smile slightly. Turning around, Luna marched to the doors and willed them to open, causing the crowd around her to gasp loudly. She strolled between them proudly, her head and coffee held high. Once she had made it to the center of the square, she decided it was time to address her subjects. Opening one eye, she glanced around with an expectant look. "WELL?" she asked, "WHAT ARE THOU WAITING FOR? IS THAT NOT WHAT YOU WANTED?" As soon as the words left her lips, a massive cheer erupted from the crowd, causing Luna to become irritated once again. These ponies were unbelievably dumb that all she had to do was buy a coffee to cancel out the toppling of the industry to them. Her head hung, she continued to march to Celestia as the crowd addressed her as their champion. Eventually, she made her way to her older sister, covered in ribbons and flower petals. "The problem has been solved, sister," she grumbled as she marched past. Celestia merely blinked as Luna marched on by, heading directly for the castle, before she followed. The square was still in a celebratory mode, but neither sister felt like celebrating. Needless to say, Luna slept pretty peacefully for the rest of the day. Well, as peacefully as an alicorn who had downed an extra large dark roast coffee in an hour could. Still though, a full day of rest eluded her as a wailing echoed throughout the halls, causing her to yell back. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF?" she roared as she pulled herself out of the midnight blue sheets that belonged to her bed. Her mood soured again, she lit her horn and looked over to her hourglass to see it was still three hours before she normally rose. Baring her teeth, she sucked in a breath and willed her magic to take her to her sister. A small pop later, she was standing in the royal dining chambers. At the magnificently dressed table, her older sister hung her head over a plate of hearty oats and a cup of tea, burying her eyes into her hooves. An evening edition of the newspaper sat next to her, along with a very familiar looking brown body complete with a lion's paw. "DISCORD!" she roared to him, "WHAT HATH THOU DONE TO OUR SISTER?!" The fiend known as Discord smiled back in his usual sarcastic way, his yellow eyes twinkling. "Ah, if it isn't the hero of the revolution herself!" he praised in a loud voice, "I can't thank you enough for all the chaos you've caused!" Luna's angry sapphire eyes narrowed in on him, even as the pompom on her nightcap got in the way. "THOU KNOWS THE PENALTY FOR UPSETTING ONE OF US!" she thundered back. Discord's smile only got more smug as she spoke. "Oh, but dearest Luna, I haven't done anything." "THEN WHY IS OUR SISTER UPSET AT THOU?!" "Upset at me? I did absolutely nothing to make her mad. You, however, have done better than even I could!" He snapped his paw, a newspaper materializing in his claw hand. "WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS?!" Luna roared back, "WE HAVE DONE NOTHING!" "Oh, but you have," he sneered, "See for yourself." Immediately, Luna lit her horn and the newspaper shot to the irritated alicorn. She expected some dumb headline regarding what she or her sister had done earlier today, but the headline shocked her even more than she could've ever expected. BREAKING NEWS: LIGHT CHAI EMPIRE FORMED TO COMBAT BIRTH OF NEW DARK ROAST REPUBLIC "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" she shouted so loud that the dust shook loose from the rafters. "It appears that you, dear Luna, have started a rebellion with your coffee." Discord stated with barely concealed amusement. When everybody talks, babeYou remember that poor guard that was in the room when Princess Celestia shouted? You know, the one that confused the river with a bay? Yeah, that poor soul. After enduring possibly the loudest shout ever heard by mortal ears, he was carted off to the Infirmary, babbling about how he had heard the voice of Faust, the Creator. He claimed that within the unearthly shout, the great alicorn of legend appeared to him, speaking in riddles that he claimed predicted the future. Blessed by her, she left him with a single request: to spread the word of her return to the Realm of Harmony. Needless to say, nopony believed him, especially after he claimed that there would be a great soda revolt, causing all of ponykind to obtain unnecessary concoctions of bubbly drinks, blurring the line between proper caffeinated beverages from the sugar filled posers. That, he predicted, would lead to the Beverage War between the forces of the Light Chai Empire and the New Dark Roast Republic against the Soda Bloc where, when all hope was lost, Faust herself would descend from the skies in glorious ornate golden armor, wielding a flaming horn of justice and bringing peace back to the world. What was ironic, though, was that he acted the whole prophecy out wearing a fez of unknown origins and scribbling a blue box onto a piece of parchment. Now, after a generous dosing of traquilizers and a few hours of bed restraints, the nameless soldier was much more calm, the fire in his eyes gone. Taking slow, measured breaths, he stared up at the ceiling, trying to deal with the news that he had been clinically insane for the last few hours and now he was on an IV of relaxants to bring his heart rate down from the astronomical levels it previously had plateaued at. The doctor, who had left a mere ten minutes ago, had ordered him to have full bed-rest for a couple days and some possible hearing therapy afterwards. Just as serenity was starting to wash over him, though, the sonorous echoes of Princess Luna rang out. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Her amplified voice thundered in his room, causing his heart rate to spike. "My Princess!" He screamed back at the ceiling, "Take heed of my words! The lies of the Soda will be brought to light and they will bring down the whole of Equestria down with them! Let them be exposed! Trust in Faust, my liege!" "What the buck is going on in here?!" Another guard roared as he barged into the room, spinning about wildly. He was pretty sloppy looking, his armor looking like it was thrown on in a hurry. "REPENT!" The one in the bed wailed as if in agony. "Repent, my dear brother! The great Beverage War is upon us!" Almost as if on cue, a doctor and nurse sped into the room, bee-lining straight for him. The hastily dressed guard watched in horror as they began to tighten his restraints and mess with the various liquids attached to him. "Nurse, forty more CCs of Xylazine, stat!" The doctor shouted, his brow furrowed in concentration. Even as he tightened the restraints, though, his efforts began to prove futile as the nameless guard fought for his freedom. "It's not working, doctor!" The young nurse shouted back, concern edging out any other emotion on her face. The doctor felt the grim reality of the situation come down upon him right then, knowing that what he had to do was the most extreme measure possible. "Ready the mallet." He spoke in a cold tone. "DISCORD!" Luna roared, pure ire burning behind her cerulean irises, "WHAT HATH THOU DONE NOW?! THE TRIALS OF TODAY HAD BEEN SOLVED ALREADY, YET YOU SEE IT FIT TO BRING THEM BACK FOR THINE OWN AMUSEMENT!" Princess Celestia whinnied weakly as she rubbed her ears through her flowing mane, her eyes shut with pain. The incessant ringing caused by Luna sounded as if there was a Breezie stuck in her ears, smashing cymbals together to gain her attention. Discord, however, smiled and leaned back in his chair, putting his paw over the back and crossing the pony leg over his dragon one. Coughing slightly, he brought his bird claw up to his mouth and pulled out two pieces of gray matter as if they were waiting there the whole time. He placed both pieces on the crown of his head and they stood up accordingly, each becoming his ears. "My, my, Luna!" He spoke in a smooth tone. "Did you learn to shout like that on the moon? Perhaps I need to visit there sometime to harness the power of my own voice." "ANSWER THE QUESTION BEFORE WE SEND YOU THERE REGARDLESS!" Luna shouted back, her pupils growing smaller. "Ooooh no. Just calm down, Luna. There is no need to stress yourself out. In fact, do you like fruit?" Discord responded calmly, his smirk growing wider. "WHAT?!" "Do you like fruit?" "DON'T YOU DARE, DISCORD!" "Well, do you like mmm—" "DISCORD!" "Bananas?" A couple of things happened all at once, causing a massive amount of mayhem in the Royal Dining Hall. An angry shout came from Luna just as Discord broke into uncontrollable laughter, teleporting away as a midnight blue streak darted to his last position. Turning sharply, the streak that was Luna shot up to the ceiling where Discord's gleeful laughter echoed from. He teleported once again as Luna neared him, anger lighting up her eyes like the full moon. Below, Celestia just sighed morosely as she stared at her oatmeal. With her younger sister in a tizzy with their once and forever mortal nemesis, there wasn't much the Solar Princess could do but sigh when they inevitably made their way to the table, smashing it in half and sending her lukewarm meal to the far wall. A series of ancient curses flowed from Luna's mouth, each one insulting Discord in ways modern ponies would not understand. "DISCORD, THOU IS A ▒▒▒▒▒▒! COME BACK HERE RIGHT ┬┴┬┴ NOW SO WE CAN ○○○○○ THOU IN THINE ████-HOLE!" She screamed. Celestia had to admit that she was rather surprised by her vocabulary, especially since most of those words were before ponykind had a written language. Discord, for his part, simply roared with laughter as he teased her with various magical tricks, all centering around bananas. Peels rained down on the Lunar Princess one moment, followed by banana-shaped motifs appeared everywhere and then Discord himself appearing as a giant banana. "What's wrong, Luna?" He asked between bouts of laughter, "Need your Dark Roast Republic to save you from the banana threat?" Luna wailed uncharacteristically as she threw herself at Discord, catching him off-guard and tackling him into the table, splattering bananas everywhere. Celestia simply sighed once more as Luna attempted to strangle Discord, shaking his head and neck around violently. Even though the fight of the century was going on in front of her, the Solar Princess's thoughts were elsewhere, centered on the ponies she called her subjects. If only they knew what stress they brought upon her and Luna with this, they may reconsider trying to split Canterlot between the coffee and tea drinkers. "Luna," she spoke in a sad voice, not even looking to her. "Please let him go. He's turning purple." True enough, Discord's face had turned a violent shade of plum while Luna glared daggers at him, still shaking his head around like a dog with a toy. Her pearly white teeth were bared and clenched in the meanest snarl she could muster, so she spoke through them in a voice that could make a constipated pony relieve itself. "NOT. UNTIL. HE. APOLOGIZES!" "He can't apologize if he can't breathe." Celestia pointed out. Discord, for his part, raised his lion paw, revealing a white sign with the message 'She's right, you know' to Luna. After giving one final shake and a frustrated grunt, Luna released Discord and spun to her sister while he gasped loudly. "HOW CAN THOU BE SO CALM AT THIS MOMENT?!" She demanded, her angry gaze burning brightly. "WE HAVE ENDURED MORE STUPIDITY TODAY THAN THE MAGIC BANANA INCIDENT HE TORMENTED US WITH!" To accentuate her point, Luna gave a swift kick to Discord, knocking what little air he had back out. Discord spluttered like a deflating balloon as he fell onto his chest. "AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, WE HAVE AN IDIOT'S REVOLT GOING ON OUTSIDE OUR CASTLE!" "Luna, please calm yourself." Celestia spoke sweetly. "There is nothing to be this upset about." A small silence ensued as Luna registered her sister's words before she responded. "ARE THOU MAD WITH AGE?! THERE IS EVERYTHING TO BE UPSET ABOUT!" "Yes, Luna, but getting angry with it does not solve the problem." "IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING SO FAR!" Luna aimed another kick at Discord, but he managed to bend his body away from the hoof, a fearful look in his yellow eyes. Without a second to spare, he teleported away and poked his much smaller head out from Celestia's mane, looking like a small animal that had taken refuge with a bigger relative. "As I recall, it was your brash actions that spurred on the revolt." Celestia spoke in a serious tone, her horn lighting a clear bluish color. The miniature Discord in her mane disappeared with a small pop before appearing next to her in his true size. "WE DID WHAT HAD TO BE DONE, SISTER! UNLIKE YOU, WE ARE NOT AFRAID OF THE COMMON IDIOT!" Both sisters flashed glances at each other; Celestia's hard and calculating stare meeting Luna's wild and irate snarl. Discord, while a huge fan of watching siblings fight, gulped hard instead, fearing for his own safety should the situation escalate any further. He had seen their previous castle and what they did to it and, he had to admit, the damage was nothing short of cataclysmic. Deciding to avoid a true civil war and the lovely chaos that followed, he cleared his throat, drawing both of their gazes. "If I may interject," he spoke in his smooth voice, "It seems that both of you are quite stressed by this." "WHAT GAVE THOU THAT IMPRESSION?!" Luna roared back, ancient sarcasm edging her voice. Discord couldn't help but crack a smile at that, knowing he had their full attention. "Oh, just a hunch." He purred before disappearing, materializing an instant later behind Celestia with the newspaper in his paw. "It would seem that, and this is just a guess, the ponies you call subjects took one of your actions out of context and—" "DOES THOU HAVE A POINT WITH THIS?!" "I was getting to that." Discord answered in an annoyed tone, casting an irritated glance at Luna. "Anyway, they took an event out of context and it exploded into something big, correct?" To accentuate his point, he patted his bird arm on Celestia's back, causing her to look down in shame. "It wasn't meant to be taken like this." Celestia spoke softly. "I just said the tea was good...." "And then one of you," Discord continued, his smile growing, "Flew off the handle, reacting to the situation in what appeared to be a solution, but made it worse." His yellow eyes locked onto Luna as she breathed heavily, clearly not amused. "Is there a point to this or are you getting some twisted amusement out of recounting today's events?" She demanded in a tone that almost sounded tame compared to her previous shouts. "Well, I won't deny that I so absolutely ADORE the chaos you two have caused, but I do have a point." Discord stated proudly. "And it's rather quite simple. All you two have to do is give me some free time with your ponies and I can fix all of this." A long silence ensued as Discord waited for an answer, both Princesses staring at him with disbelief. Luna in particular had a mix of fury, revulsion and confusion that Discord had to stifle a laugh at. "And what would you do to them to make them forget all of this?" Celestia asked cautiously. Discord's grin only became wider as he turned to her, ready to elaborate on his plan. Everypony talks too muchThe clang of dirty glasses accented the creaking metal inside the dingy place. There was no color here, just a select few shades of brown and gray with black shadows dancing around. Several ponies shifted in their dusters, each one eyeing the other like they were in a pen of wolves. Three had eyepatches, two sported several long scars across their eyes and one even had a prosthetic leg made from parts of a barstool, train and an old jukebox that once played the last known copy of 'Midnight Boogaloo'. Behind the counter, a pony with a scruffy moustache gingerly rubbed a cloth spotted with sweat and dried oil onto some porcelain teacups. Behind him, a barista hummed as the scent of fresh coffee filled the air. Several patrons groaned while three rose from their seats, each extending a shaking hoof holding a paper cups. The word 'Starr-BUCKETS' could be seen scrawled in green ink across them. "I got decaf brewing, ya'll," the barpony grunted. "Regular is in an hour." "C-Coffee," one of them stuttered. "N-Need... coffee." The barpony shook his head as the paper cup slammed down on the counter. "C-C-Coffee!" the patron rasped. "Sorry, buddy," the barpony replied. "You got no beans for it." The pony wildly thrashed about as his hooves darted into his duster, kicking up a cloud of actual dust while he was at it. "I-I got beans!" he shouted. "I-I-I can pay for it!" "Son, I think you should go see the--" "NO!" he roared, slamming his hooves down on the counter. "You don't tell me how to live my life!" Every patron flinched and rose to their hooves as the wild-eyed pony stared down the barkeep. The intensity of the bloodshot eyes staring into him caused the barkeep to sigh and nod morosely. "Alright, son. I'll get you your coffee," he said in a small voice. The pony grunted with satisfied smile when a cup of ice cold water splashed across his face. He screamed as he fell back, frantically clawing at the droplets on his face as he kicked about on the cold metal floor. All the patrons took their seats, casually staring off into the distance as the pony thrashed and screamed louder. "Help me!" he wailed. "I'm drowning! I can't swim!" The barkeep pressed a hoof to his forehead, hoping the fool would stop soon. Caffeine junkies like him always made a scene, despite them not actually being completely aware of what they were doing. "Shut up, down there," he grumbled. "And you better not be taking pictures of yourself down there when you finish." "Selfies are an art!" the pony screamed back. "Weren't you drowning?" came the barkeep. A stunned silence filled the room as the pony realized the barkeep was right. The sudden wave of realization that hit him, though, made his forehead lance with pain as he whined and pressed his hooves to his head. "Bucking caffeine high," he muttered. A loud slurping filled the room, causing the melodramatic drifter on the floor to groan louder as one other patron held a teacup daintily in his hooves. He smacked his lips and grinned widely as his pupils began to dilate. "Wow," he muttered, looking into the cup filled with a cyan blue liquid. "That's some good tea." He grinned widely as a pony said, "Are your teeth glowing?" Without warning, the door to the establishment flew open, slamming violently against the wall. Everypony in the room froze and stared at the door as the sound of hooves clacking against the metal filled the room. Wearing a beat-up helmet that had 'POLICE' in blue letters stuck on it, the pony known as Bad Cop strode in, his heavy silver sunglasses shifting ever so slightly. Everypony immediately went rigid and sat at attention as he strode by, snorting at each pony he passed. "W-What can I d-d-do for you, Bad Cop?" the barkeep asked, his eyes tiny. Spinning in place, Bad Cop glared at the barkeep through his glasses before slowly striding over to the counter, glancing derisively at the pony on the floor. "I'm looking for a pony," he said in a voice so gritty, sandpaper would plug its ears. "A-A pony?" the barkeep stammered. "W-We ain't g-got nopony here we shouldn't." "Oh really?" he asked, leaning closer to the counter. "We'll be seeing about that." Turning to the patrons, Bad Cop reached behind his back and, after everypony ducked under the table, pulled out a crudely drawn image of a pony next to a soda vending machine. "I'm looking for this pony," Bad Cop growled. "He's been running the twenty-fourth largest illegal soda ring this side of Bomb-er-lot and eluded me for two whole days." One patron's head shot out from under his table and said, "That's it?" Turning to him, Bad Cop growled and the pony shrunk back underneath his table, nodding and silently crying the whole way. Looking away, Bad Cop scanned the room before freezing on a pony who was peeking out from his table. The spiky mane and terrified eyes were all he needed to see to connect the dots. "You there," he said, taking a step forward. "STAY BACK!"the pony shouted, standing up straight. As he stood, aluminum cans jingled from the inside of his jacket as a can of Dr. Hot Tamale rolled onto the floor. Without warning, everypony screamed and Bad Cop backed away as the can exploded, spraying the room with a sticky and sweet brown liquid. Bad Cop ripped off his ruined sunglasses and glared at the pony, who had two more cans in his hooves. The labels of 'Spring Mist' and 'Coca-Cider' were barely visible under his hooves. "Listen up, everypony!" he shouted. "These cans are filled with Mentos and baking soda! One shake and they'll blow this place to kingdom come! Got it?" "Doesn't baking soda neutralize carbonation?" one pony called. "You felling lucky, punk?" the pony roared back. "Listen, we can do this the easy way or--" Bad Cop began, but the pony began to violently shake the cans in his hooves. "He took the hard way! Get him!" Bad Cop roared as he charged forward. "Premier Twilight Sparkle sends her love!" he shouted before the cans glowed white in his hooves. A blinding white light filled the room as all the ponies shouted in abject horror. The film cut out as everypony in the square scrambled about, screaming in a mad panic. The film projector raced to the ground as ponies of all sizes charged it, a single glimmering tear of light escaping the lens. It watched the magnificent white screen it had projected the video on, noting the glorious banner reading 'Fallout: Fall of Equestria' in gold lettering. "The end is upon us!" one pony shouted. "We need to stop this!" another cried out. "To Ponyville!" yet another roared. The rabble continued to overwhelm Canterlot Square, overturning lines of red velvet ropes and stomping on posters labelled Light Chai Empire and New Dark Roast Republic. Countless bodies threw themselves against each other in tearful apologies and swapped different caffeinated drinks, each sipping freely of the brew of friendship. "And that, my little ponies," Discord said, appearing on top of the projection screen. "Is why you need to stop fighting." The crowd roared in response, loud enough to shake the stones beneath them. Far away, Princess Celestia sat on her balcony, her face planted in her hooves as she slowly shook her head. Luna stood next to her, glaring up at the moon with her bloodshot eyes and droopy eyelids. "'Tis a fine mess thou has gotten us into again, sister," she grumbled. Behind both of them, a scroll appeared on Celestia's rug in a burst of green flame. It slowly unraveled, revealing the hastily written note inside. Dear Princess Celestia, Why is there an angry mob outside my home and why are they throwing cans of soda at me?! Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle and Spike Author's Note Yeah, this took me a whole year to come up with. I accept your ridicule. I can hear the chit-chatMost ponies always thought of Princess Luna being the vocal one of the two Solar Sisters, especially when she made her rare public appearances. The Royal Canterlot Voice had once been a legend that most ponies assumed came from a spiteful rumor about their beloved Sun Princess, but had easily accepted Luna's deafening tone to be the true origin of the legend. Those ponies had also never heard Princess Celestia shout. At the docks in Canterlot, several ponies of various types and colors whooped and hollered as they threw crates over the sides of the wooden ship, each one thinking they would make their message to their Princess crystal clear. They wanted their coffee no matter if Princess Celestia wanted them to all drink tea. Crate after crate of tea leaves flew over the side of the boat, each one tumbling helplessly towards the murky sea below. Several unicorns, some Royal Guards and some from the tea distributor, all stood at the base of the boat, trying to save as many crates as they could. Luckily, only a couple dozen had actually reached the water, the rest of them being teleported away into a storeroom in the castle. Behind them, a line of Royal Guards struggled to hold back a mob of mostly cranky ponies as they attempted to rush the rescue effort. "Let them fall!" a voice from the crowd shouted. The senseless noise was cut instantly as something this generation of ponies had never experienced happened. Their shouts died out as a low rumble began to shake the ground, making everypony quiver involuntarily. The rumbling only got worse as the ponies looked around for the source, only to see each other with the same confusion on their faces. Back on the boat, the tremors could be felt as the ship shuddered faintly. The crates of tea had, for now, stopped falling to the watery depths at the boat's side and the unicorns at the dock heaved a sigh of relief, even though they too felt the quivering. As they scanned the water for any salvagable crates, they were bitterly disappointed as most of them had been smashed open and the seawater was turning an ominous brown color. "THEY DID WHAT?!" Silence reigned over the ponies as the shout of anger echoed out to sea, filling most of those on the boat with a sense of dread. Below, the Royal Guards merely froze at the sound of the voice ringing out so loudly. Most of them had never heard even Princess Luna shout that loud when she wanted to. Horror crept up onto their faces as they all turned to the castle in the distance to see a blinding white light streaking towards the docks. It was obvious who had made the shout. At least, to the Royal Guard it was. "CLEAR THE AREA!" the commander shouted from the dockside, racing over to the line, "GET EVERYPONY OUT OF HERE!" A mad panic ensued as the protesters scrambled back, each trying to escape from the doom that was heading their way. Unfortunately, the only exit to the dockside was a single rotating ticket booth surrounded by a rusty metal fence that most ponies were trying to climb over. Pegasi and unicorns easily escaped, but they were only a small percentage to the earth ponies that clogged the turnstile. On the boat, every demonstrator fled in a mad panic as well, even though the Guards below shouted for them to remain still. Pegasi darted off in all directions away from the streak of white light while the unicorns teleported away in great haste. The only four earth ponies to make it onto the boat did the only thing they could do: they scrambled into the boat and made a break for the gangway onto the dock. Unfortunately, they failed to escape, as did most of the crowd, before the white light landed with a deafening crash on the docks. Temporarily blinded, all the ponies rubbed their eyes and blindly pleaded for mercy as their eyesight came back. It was obvious to them now where the voice had come from as Princess Celestia stood on the dock, watching the boat with a horrified look. Gradually, she neared the dockside where her guards parted in order for her to reach the water's edge. Her magenta eyes were full of shock as she lowered them to survey the brown water that lapped against the wall. Pieces of crates floated around in the tea flavored seawater, looking like the remains of a ship lost at sea. Celestia's mouth opened and closed slightly as she tried to work out a sentence, but not a single word would come to her. Eventually, she turned to the crowd of ponies behind that was staring at her in fear. Not a single one of them spoke as she met each of their gazes, her eyes of beautiful magenta misting over. Princess Celestia's bottom lip began to quiver and soon, she broke away from their stares and lowered her head, hiding it within her waving rainbow mane. Before her guards even approached her, however, the deep blue form of Princess Luna descended onto the docks next to Celestia. "Sister, what was thou thinking when thy shouted like that?!" Luna hissed angrily as she immediately focused on rubbing her still ringing ears, "The poor guard had to be taken to the infirmary because he started rambling nonsense after you shouted!" Luna waited expectantly for an answer as she pushed her hoof further into her ear, attempting to massage away the pain, but soon turned to a shocking sight. Her beloved older sister was whimpering slightly as she sat on the sun-bleached stone. "Sister?" she asked calmly. At that, Princess Celestia looked up at her, tears forming in the glossy orbs she called eyes. Her bottom lip was quivering uncontrollably and a sense of dread washed over Luna. Luna's own eyes widened at that, causing her to look around for the first time since she had arrived. Behind them floated the ship of tea in question, but the Lunar Princess noticed the water was the same color as the hull of the boat. Shock covered her face and her pupils shrunk to an incredible size, causing her to forget the ringing in her ears. "What in Equestria?" she mumbled. "Down with the Tea Empire!" a dimwitted pony shouted from the crowd. An audible gasp came from the legion of ponies gathered around the dock, each of them turning to the source of the voice. Amid the throng stood a silly looking red and black pony with an outrageously blonde mane, smiling dumbly at the clearly upset Princesses. He stood tall despite the gravity of his actions, even as Princess Luna spun slowly to him. "What did you say?" she asked in a deadly serious tone. "Down with the Tea Empire!" he repeated foolishly, thrusting an empty coffee cup into the air, "We want our coffee, no matter what the dumb Princess says!" Luna's tiny pupils twitched slightly as the crowd backed away from him slowly. Every single pony, including the Royal Guards, gulped heavily as Luna pulled her rump from the stones, her legs shaking from a barely concealed emotion they knew was about to erupt out of her. The snifflings from Princess Celestia only grew louder as she turned to the pony, who grinned at her in a malicious way. "Are thou MAD?!" she screamed at him in the loudest iteration of the Royal Canterlot Voice anypony had ever heard, "DOTH THOU HAVE NO SENSE OF SHAME?!" The red and black pony's smirk began to falter as he regarded Luna, confusion in his eyes. "Easy babe," he spoke nonchalantly, "I was talking about that---" Luna roared angrily as the crowd gasped again, completely in shock at what the pony had just said. Did he really just call the Lunar Princess 'babe'? With all of her anger bubbling over, Luna lifted her forelegs into the air and slammed them down with enough force to make a massive fissure that spanned the stone and concrete dock. Her eyes began to glow bright white as she continued her verbal onslaught. "WHAT DID THOU CALL US?!" she roared, "THOU WILL NEVER EVER REFER TO US BY THAT TITLE AGAIN! DOTH THOU UNDERSTAND?!" The pony paled a bit under his black and red coat, but he still tried to smile innocently at her. "Ease up, Luna baby," he spoke in a quivering tone, "You're my favorite Princess, so I'm not--" "SHUT YOUR IMPERTENANT MOUTH, FOOL! WE DO NOT CARE HOW THOU VIEWS US, THOU WILL NOT TALK TO OUR SISTER OR US IN SUCH A DISRESPECTFUL MANNER! DOTH THOU POSSESS SOME KIND OF MENTAL DISORDER THAT ALLOWS ONE TO NOT ACT PROPERLY IN PUBLIC?!" As Luna shouted, her mane whipped up to an invisible wind, swirling like a tornado of stars. Her glowing white eyes only got more intense and she stomped ever closer to the stallion, who began to cower in fear. "IT IS THANKS TO PONIES LIKE THOU THAT THIS MESS EXISTS, IF ONLY TO TORTURE OUR SISTER! SHE HAS DONE NOTHING WORTHY OF YOUR REBUKE AND IS NOW GREATLY DISTRESSED AT THOU'S PATHETIC SAYINGS! HOW DARE THOU SPEAK SO ILL OF HER WHEN SHE CRAVES A CUP OF TEA! WE OURSELVES CRAVE THE MAGICAL WAKING ELIXER WHEN WE RISE IN THE MORN, BUT WE ARE NOT DESTROYING THE TEA TRADE, ARE WE?!" Luna kept shouting, even as she towered over the now clearly shaking stallion. Her fierce demeanor had such a profound effect that the horrible black and red colors seemed to be melting from the stallion, producing a tan color that fit him much better. Unsure of what to do, most ponies made it their goal to distance themselves from the angry alicorn as she shouted ancient rebukes at the poor soul lying at her hooves. "AND WHAT DOTH THOU HAVE TO SAY FOR THYSELF?!" she demanded, bringing her rampage to a halt. Without a word, the stallion erupted into a fountain of tears as he bolted away from the Lunar Princess, wailing the whole way down the dock. Luna still heaved heavy breaths as her glowing eyes faded back to normal, unaware of a looming presence behind her. "Sister," Celestia spoke gently, "I thank you for your defense of me, but I think I know of a way for all of this to end without anymore shouting." Luna craned her tired neck around to give Celestia a sideways look before her snout scrunched up. "And how doth thou propose to do that?" she asked pointedly. Celestia smiled warmly, her glossy magenta eyes twinkling. "Have some faith in me, sister. I know what to do." From somewhere in the crowd, another pony whistled as they all watched the stallion round the corner a ways away. "She scared the stupid out of him!" a filly exclaimed from the crowd, causing all of them to start cheering for the Lunar Princess. Author's Note Wow, you all like it so much, I think I'll keep it around!
It started with a whisper"EXTRA EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! COFFEE INDUSTRY IN DISARRAY THANKS TO SUN PRINCESS!" Few things caused Princess Celestia's jaw to drop these days. She had seen many things in her time as Princess of Equestria, ranging from things so small that it shocked modern ponies all the way to world shaking events like invasions and chaos incarnate's escape from his prison. Empires had disappeared and reappeared during her reign, great friends and foes alike had left their marks on the world and a certain small purple filly managed to hatch a dragon egg and even make him grow. Still, sometimes there were things in the world that even she couldn't believe. Ponies that weren't crowding around her were over at a small papercolt, shouting at the top of his lungs. Most of the time, the ponies that surrounded her when she stepped out of the castle were wearing wide grins and sparkling eyes, a sign of their respect and admiration for her. Today, however, a mix of teary eyes, angry glares and puffy bottom lips greeted her, even as her loyal guards fought to keep them at bay. "Why, Princess?" One mare whimpered, "I like coffee." "What do you have against coffee drinkers?!" A stallion shouted in the distance. "I know you like tea, but you don't have to destroy the coffee industry for it!" Celestia was at a complete loss for words as she stood there, utterly dumbfounded by her beloved little ponies comments. What on Equestria were they rambling about? She was told there was an unease in the town square today, but certainly never expected to be the epicenter of it. Hundreds of ponies were already in the square, each standing defiantly and some even holding up empty coffee cups at her as if it was a form of protest. "I, uh, I --er," she managed to stammer before the volume of the voices rose in unison. Everypony in the square eventually started shouting at her, vying for Celestia's attention. Her wonderful magenta eyes swept back and forth as she tried to find some escape from the crowd in the form of a smiling face, but to her dismay, none could be found. The crowd seethed with sadness and anger as ponies kept pouring into the square, filling it past its capacity. Princess Celestia had never felt so lost in a crowd before. Here were hundreds of her beloved subjects, each shouting something at her about something that made no sense. She was trying to destroy the coffee industry? How? No seriously, how? All she had done in the past day was raise the sun, eat breakfast, go out for a cup of tea before meeting with the dignitaries from Minotarus and then lower the sun. She had done absolutely nothing to the coffee industry as a whole in the almost three hundred years since it had been discovered. Masking her anger, she willed her horn to glow as a newspaper lifted away from the newscolt shouting to keep up with the crowd. A couple of bits materialized in his pouch, since Celestia was an honest pony, and she narrowed her eyes as the newsprint neared her face. EXTRA! COFFEE INDUSTRY IN TURMOIL! Sun Princess goes to coffee shop and orders tea! Entire chain in complete chaos! Princess Celestia, the royal ruler if all Equestria, was seen yesterday heading over to a local coffee chain to sip on a quick drink. Her smile and wonderful demeanor, however, hid her darker motives well. In a shop that is known for selling coffee, she made the drastic move to challenge the chain's foundations by ordering a drink that wasn't on the menu: tea. Stunning the crew beyond words, she had set her wicked plan in motion. Once the poor crew had made her the drink, the owner promptly started a radical change, the removal of coffee from the menu and, quite possibly, all of Equestria. "We need to move on with the times!" He boldly proclaimed to the store once the Princess had left, "If the Princess has moved on from coffee, then so should we! If she requests tea be the drink of choice, we need to do our best to make sure everypony drinks tea!" In a radical move, the owner reportedly threw out all of his former customers who came by for their usual cup of coffee, claiming that they needed to keep up with the times or live in the stone age. Outrage quickly formed and soon, your very own prolific reporter got to ask the owner how this all started. "What I heard was that, after taking a sip of the tea we brewed for her, the Princess remarked that if only all ponies would drink that over coffee. I took the measures I thought were appropriate for her---" A cry of disgust erupted from Celestia as she crumpled the newspaper in a barely concealed irritation, wadding it up into a ball of incoherent ramblings. She had never said that! What in Equestria were all these ponies thinking, claiming that she had remarked that coffee needed to be done away with?! Frustrated, Celestia willed the newspaper to disappear with a soft pop and eyed the same coffee shop she had visited yesterday. Ponies lined the glass walls of the establishment, clambering over each other to get in as if they were giving away free drinks. She ground her teeth in anger and soon started to march towards the place, wanting nothing more than to have a few stern words with the owner. She had barely made it a few steps before the crowd of ponies stacked in front of her, shouting incoherently at Celestia for accusations that were wholly untrue. Her stern gaze melted into one of her most friendly faces she could muster at that point, but it had little effect on the caffeine addled ponies before her. Most of them wore horribly colored plaid scarves along with heavy rimmed glasses and a silly pointed hat, but she made her best effort to smile reassuringly to them. Things only dissolved further from there as the shouting became more coherent, forming a saying all the ponies were calling in unison. Even for Celestia, it was kind of impressive when they did that. "Coffee is good, tea is bad! Give back what we had!" The crowd rumbled at her, causing Celestia's sweet smile to vanish. A look of utter horror crept across her features as her pupils shrunk to pinpricks and her mouth became little more than a frown. Her ponies were rioting at her? The ponies she cared for all her life were chanting slogans at her all because a coffee shop owner had heard a rumor about what she had said? Shaking the shock from her head, Celestia straightened herself up and tried to march to the coffee shop again, only to have the crowd grow more agitated. "Traitor!" one pony shouted to her before somepony behind him gave a nice shove to reach the line of guards surrounding her. The pony felt his side move involuntarily and his cup of coffee flew at the guard, the steaming black liquid reaching out to him as if it was going to take it's own revenge on him. The guard's pupils shrunk to an incredibly small size as he prepared for the scalding liquid to hit against his face. The blistering pain from the liquid never came, though. A shimmering blue aura of magic surrounded his face, protecting his features from a horrible disfigurement by a sludge-like cup of hours old coffee. His eyes twitched as the brown substance rolled down the magical aura protecting him and, with a shaking turn of his head, spun to see Princess Celestia looking at him with worry and her horn glowing. "Fall back!" The lead guard shouted to the rest of her bodyguards, each one inching back towards the castle. Celestia's aura disappeared, along with the coffee, and she turned to the guard, shouting over the crowd, "No! I need to reach that shop!" "It's too dangerous here, my Princess!" He roared back as he pushed another protester back, "Get her to safety!" As one, the guards tried to inch farther back even as Princess Celestia protested to no avail. The space in front of her collapsed as more ponies poured in, defending the coffee shop from her tea-drinking onslaught. With a final cry of protest, Celestia and her guards were wrapped in a blue aura before disappearing into thin air, leaving the crowd cheering in her wake. Inside her royal chambers, Celestia fumed quietly onto a scrap of parchment she had addressed to the newspaper itself. Her feelings of anger poured out in what she deemed to be a letter of the highest rebuke, one that most ponies would quiver in fear of. Line after line brought down heavy words of condemnation, forceful sayings of stern correction and, finally, her first dirty word in a letter. After about three more minutes of her quill etching into the letter, she leaned back and sneered into it, quite pleased with herself. To the establishment owner, I am quite disappointed by your actions against a rumor that has circulated regarding me and your coffee. I hold the upmost respect for the wonderful drink distilled from the magical coffee bean and believe that you may have overreacted to some mere words. I do implore you to please rethink your actions as they have caused me quite a bit of distress, so much that it pains me to leave my castle. I do not wish any harm onto your establishment and do wish to continue business there and not at some lower class establishment. Please take my words to heart as I do wish to see you and your industry prosper. Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia Celestia held her head up, feeling as proud as Philomena did after she groomed herself. The letter had been a wonderful outlet for her feelings of anger and frustration, a pointed one she expected to strike fear into the foolish heart of the troublemaker. Her revelry was broken, though, by a short knock before a sleepy blue pony teleported in wearing some pink pajamas covered in silvery crescent moons. She also wore a cute fuzzy nightcap that ended on a pink fluffy ball, which somehow didn't get lost in her starry mane. "Sister," Luna spoke through a yawn, "Please inform us as to what that infernal racket is outside." "It is the sound of foolishness, dear sister," Celestia replied in a matter-of-fact tone, "One that I will soon have quelled." Luna, half-asleep and eyelids drooping, turned to the open window where the noise from Canterlot Square came through faintly. Her face remained expressionless as she stared out to the sky beyond before returning her tired gaze back to her older sibling. "What are they calling about?" she asked in a dazed tone. Celestia let out a miffed snort before she answered, "They think I'm trying to overthrow the coffee industry because I went there yesterday to get a cup of tea. I just stopped by because I thought it was--" "Wait, what?" Luna asked in confusion, "They think you're what?" "Overthrowing the coffee industry." Celestia answered quickly, "Anyway, that's not the point. What I was saying was--" "You're what?" "It's nothing, Luna. Just silliness on--" "Overthrowing the coffee industry?" "No, I'm not. Somepony took my words out of context and--" "You're overthrowing the COFFEE INDUSTRY?" Celestia sighed deeply before answering, "Luna, I don't think you're--" "WHY?!" Luna demanded in the Royal Canterlot Voice, waking from her dreamy stupor, "WHAT HATH THE INNOCENT BEAN OF THE COFFEE PLANT DONE TO YOU THIS TIME?!" "Nothing, Luna! I just went there and--" "WHY DID YOU DESECRATE THE SACRED BREWERY OF THE MAGIC MORNING DRINK WITH YOUR TEA?!" "Luna, it's called--" "AND WHY DID YOU DO THIS WHILE THOU KNEW WE WOULD BE ASLEEP?! WHY, IF MOTHER WAS HERE..." "She'd hear me out first before jumping to conclusions," Celestia answered pointedly. Luna narrowed her eyes at her and tried to look as menacing as she could before a super squishy blue pillow materialized behind her and she planted her royal rump on it. "Speak quickly, sister, as we have not had our morning coffee yet, thanks to thee." Celestia pressed a hoof to her forehead and sighed deeply before a soft pop echoed in the room and the crumpled newspaper reappeared. Luna eyed it cautiously before uncrumpling it herself and peered over the headlines, her sapphire eyes chugging along like a locomotive. In mere seconds, she had finished the whole article and brought her gaze back to Celestia. "So, thou thought it wise to make such a comment in the midst of others?" she asked monotonously. "But I didn't say such things!" Celestia protested, her eyes flaring dangerously, "I just said that the tea was delicious and left!" Luna's gaze refused to soften, but her body language spoke volumes. She brought the newspaper back to her tired eyes, scanned it again and then crumpled it up with her own magic much the same way Celestia had earlier. The heap of cheap newsprint sailed through the air behind her and disappeared into the rest of the room. "So, what does thou have planned to quell the unrest?" A smug smile that Luna had not seen in a long time graced Celestia's muzzle as her horn glowed. A small piece of parchment levitated from the floor and hovered its way over to Luna, who took it with a confused look. She scanned it over just as fast as she had with the newspaper and turned her unimpressed eyes towards her sister. "Doth thou really think this is the best idea to handle this situation?" she asked, her voice laced with ancient sarcasm, "Because we can already tell the instigator will be trembling when he reads this." "I think the letter is fine the way it is," Celestia stated proudly, "It coveys all my anger and feelings on the matter. Plus, I even went as far as to use a dirty word in it." Celestia cooed at the feeling of rebelousness that flowed through her then, shivering in excitement, Luna, however, peered over the letter again, trying to decipher what her sister was playing at. "Is the dirty word 'establishment'?" she asked. "Well yes!" Celestia answered proudly, "The last time I used that word was in the Gryphon Kingdom where I used it to impress the king." Luna stared at her sister through half-lidded eyes and was about to say something when the door to Celestia's chambers burst open. The two Princesses turned with curiosity to see an out of breath guard panting heavily. He wheezed for several seconds before he attempted a sloppy salute. "My *pant* My Princess. The uprising has *wheeze* gotten out of hoof!" Celestia rose to her hooves and stood there, a shocked expression on her face. Her ponies wouldn't do anything drastic, would they? "What happened?" she asked tentatively. The guard heaved a few more breaths before answering. "They've... they've started throwing tea into the bay!" Author's Note Yeah, wrote this on two days of sleep deprivation. Probably going to delete it tomorrow. Enjoy while you can!
Mama's always got a backtrackThe silence was as palpable to everypony in the square as the cobblestones beneath their hooves while they looked on in a tense silence. The crowd had been quiet for the last few minutes as their newest nemesis, the tea lover Princess Celestia, stood defiantly at the entrance to Canterlot square. Her magenta eyes were locked onto the coffee shop in the distance they were defending from her tyranny. The tense moment seemed to be building up to a climax as neither side moved. The Royal Guards that valiantly protected the Sun Princess had fanned out in front of her in a defensive formation, eyeing the crowd with icy stares while those nearest the Princess focused their attention on the line of guards. Somewhere off in the distance, a bird chirped happily as it flitted about its daily life, completely oblivious to the powder keg next to a flamethrower. Celestia gulped audibly as she stared, unsure of herself right then. The solution she had come up with, to pay a friendly visit to the coffee shop that had started all of this, was so much easier to explain to Luna than to actually do. Behind her, the Luna stood with an unimpressed look on her face. Her half-lidded stare at the crowd hid her bloodshot eyes from most of those who dared to not look her directly in the face. She had seen enough of this to know that, not only was Celestia's plan foolish, but the ponies they ruled over were also lacking on the common sense side. "Sister, we are getting impatient," she grumbled, "Move thy flank now or we will not go through with this plan." Celestia tried to will her hoof to move, to take a single step towards the coffee shop, but her limbs remained rooted to her current spot. If the experiences she had an hour earlier taught her anything, it was to not approach the coffee shop when all the ponies suffering from caffeine withdraw had gathered around it. Thankfully, the newscolt had disappeared, giving Celestia hope that maybe the ire of the crowd had diminished. To make a long story short, though, it hadn't. Taking a tentative step forward, Celestia's hope evaporated as the crowd erupted into a flurry of noise and movement, all centered around her. The commander shouted commands to the other guards as the group was assailed by a mass of bodies more numerous than them, holding firm but dangerously close to snapping. Celestia froze after that, wishing she knew the spell to go back in time and warn herself about this. Ironically, the crowd slowed their assault on her and stared at her once again, as if they were daring her to take another step. "THOU HAS TO BE KIDDING WITH US!" Luna shouted from behind her older sister, utterly frustrated with both sides. "Luna, please stay calm," Celestia whispered to her, "They can smell irritation." "WELL, IT MATTERS NOT NOW, DOES IT?!" She demanded, stomping one of her hooves into the ground. "Luna, please," Celestia pleaded in a hushed tone, "This needs to be handled very delicately." "MY FLANK IT DOES! STAND ASIDE, FOOLISH PONIES! WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!" At her command, a great shuffling occurred as the fuming Princess began stomping her way in the direction of the coffee shop. She marched right past her older sister, who watched her with shock and awe written all over her face, straight to the guards who protected them. Immediately, they all moved aside, allowing her to pass by, saluting as they did so. Much to everypony's surprise, though, members of the crowd parted as she approached, many looking up at her with fear and respect. Luna snorted angrily as she marched past them, her cranky mood parting the crowd. She made substantially more progress than her older sister had, about fourteen steps more, before the first dissenter decided to test her mettle. A lone mare stood before the irritated Lunar Princess, glaring back at her with sparkling emerald eyes. She wore a scarf of a horrible brown plaid design along with obnoxiously thick horn-rimmed glasses that Luna was sure were fake. Luna halted at her, both staring at each other defiantly. "Move aside," Luna commanded. "You can't tell me what to do, traitor," the mare answered back, "You are allied with your sister and I know what you plan to do." "Oh?" Luna asked, her voice raising with sarcasm, "And how do you know what we intend to do?" The mare puffed herself up, proudly standing before the Princess. "I wrote about it in my unpublished novel. I'm so cool that I wrote about this before it happened." The cracking noise was audible when Luna's temper broke, her eyes twitching again. She simply couldn't believe how dense these ponies really were. How did Celestia ever put up with the sheer stupidity of their subjects? Shaking herself away from the vice of making sense of dumb comments, Luna's eyes glowed white again and she opened her mouth wide. The roar that followed could only be described as epic. The sheer volume of it was inexplicable, but the force was intensely powerful. A violent wind wracked the whole square as Luna shouted in sheer anger and frustration, blowing away many of the empty coffee cups that littered the square, as well as many things not bolted down. The pony who stood before her simply stared at her with wide eyes as the wind buffeted her, blowing away the scarf and glasses. Her lips flapped about in the wind as she tried feebly to keep her hooves rooted to the stones below. As Luna finished the shout, the pony quivered before her like never before. With a small squeak, she hurried off to the side and into the ranks of the ponies who had formed a line around her. Satisfied, Luna resumed her march to the coffee shop in the distance, each step thundering across the silent courtyard. Eventually, she reached the glass doors and her horn glowed, forcing them to open with a haunting creak. As Luna entered the shop, a small voice in the back of her head caused her to notice the decor. It wasn't unpleasant to look at since the walls were a wonderful light brown color, looking like coffee mixed with milk, that led down to the matte black tiles covering the floor. Some pretty light green furniture was strewn about the room, the perfect shade to not make Luna hurl. Ambient lighting softly glowed from floating lanterns above her head, casting just enough light to illuminate anypony or anything that Luna might run into. That voice was instantly squelched, though, as she snorted angrily and stomped her way over to the counter. Behind the slab of laminated wood, a mare walked out from around the corner, smiling halfheartedly. "Welcome to... uh," she began before her eyes went wide. Her smile melted away as she regarded Luna, who glared back. The mare spun to the left, but her eyes went wide as the sound of doors shutting reached Luna's ears. Slowly, the mare turned to Luna and forced herself to smile, her braces twinkling. "Welcome, P-Princess Luna," she stammered, "W-Would you l-like to---" "Quiet thyself," Luna barked in her cranky manner, "Our mood is not one for patronizing." The poor mare gulped hard as Luna made eye contact with her. She wished she could've been anywhere else right then, like at home on her day off like she was supposed to doing right now. Why did she have to be here when a clearly angry Princess stood had just come in? Why couldn't her break have been just fifteen minutes earlier? "W-What can I g-get you, y-your highness?" She squeaked in a small voice. Luna cleared her throat right then, filling the poor mare with dread. "We would like..." She began. Outside, everypony gasped audibly as they pressed their faces to the windows, watching the scene unfold. Even from as far away as she was, Celestia gulped loudly, hoping Luna wasn't about to do what she thought she was. Back in the shop, Luna's eyes flashed dangerously to the young mare before her as she ended the dramatic pause. "To have the largest cup of your strongest coffee." Luna finished anticlimactically. The mare, along with everypony outside, blinked twice in shock. She shook her head after that, trying to clear her thoughts. "Oh, uh, we do have.... uh, our dark roast is the strongest one we have." She managed to say. "Then be quick about it," Luna growled, "Today hath been a most stressful one." "I can imagine." The mare replied with a lighthearted chuckle. Unfortunately, Luna continued to glare at her and the mare's giggle became an awkward cough. "Ahem, yes. One extra large dark roast coming right up." She stated in a monotone voice as she turned to the brewer behind her. With the push of a couple buttons, the machine whirred to life and the pleasing aroma of coffee filled the air. Luna sniffed it in slowly, her scowl softening a bit. Eventually, the mare turned back to her, holding a tall coffee cup in her hoof that steamed slightly from the minute hole in the lid. Ever so gently, she placed it on the laminated countertop as Luna's horn glowed, causing five glittering bits to materialize next to the cup. "Oh no, my Princess. This one is--" "TAKE THE BLASTED BITS!" Luna informed her in the Royal Canterlot Voice. The mare squeaked and quickly snatched the bits away, darting over to the register in the far corner. Luna, however, stared at the cup suspiciously before she took a sip of the steaming concoction. The scalding drink was mellow and bitter at the same time, filling her senses with an unusual clarity, just like she had wanted it to. Instantly, she could feel her crankiness melt away under the dark roast, causing her to smile slightly. Turning around, Luna marched to the doors and willed them to open, causing the crowd around her to gasp loudly. She strolled between them proudly, her head and coffee held high. Once she had made it to the center of the square, she decided it was time to address her subjects. Opening one eye, she glanced around with an expectant look. "WELL?" she asked, "WHAT ARE THOU WAITING FOR? IS THAT NOT WHAT YOU WANTED?" As soon as the words left her lips, a massive cheer erupted from the crowd, causing Luna to become irritated once again. These ponies were unbelievably dumb that all she had to do was buy a coffee to cancel out the toppling of the industry to them. Her head hung, she continued to march to Celestia as the crowd addressed her as their champion. Eventually, she made her way to her older sister, covered in ribbons and flower petals. "The problem has been solved, sister," she grumbled as she marched past. Celestia merely blinked as Luna marched on by, heading directly for the castle, before she followed. The square was still in a celebratory mode, but neither sister felt like celebrating. Needless to say, Luna slept pretty peacefully for the rest of the day. Well, as peacefully as an alicorn who had downed an extra large dark roast coffee in an hour could. Still though, a full day of rest eluded her as a wailing echoed throughout the halls, causing her to yell back. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF?" she roared as she pulled herself out of the midnight blue sheets that belonged to her bed. Her mood soured again, she lit her horn and looked over to her hourglass to see it was still three hours before she normally rose. Baring her teeth, she sucked in a breath and willed her magic to take her to her sister. A small pop later, she was standing in the royal dining chambers. At the magnificently dressed table, her older sister hung her head over a plate of hearty oats and a cup of tea, burying her eyes into her hooves. An evening edition of the newspaper sat next to her, along with a very familiar looking brown body complete with a lion's paw. "DISCORD!" she roared to him, "WHAT HATH THOU DONE TO OUR SISTER?!" The fiend known as Discord smiled back in his usual sarcastic way, his yellow eyes twinkling. "Ah, if it isn't the hero of the revolution herself!" he praised in a loud voice, "I can't thank you enough for all the chaos you've caused!" Luna's angry sapphire eyes narrowed in on him, even as the pompom on her nightcap got in the way. "THOU KNOWS THE PENALTY FOR UPSETTING ONE OF US!" she thundered back. Discord's smile only got more smug as she spoke. "Oh, but dearest Luna, I haven't done anything." "THEN WHY IS OUR SISTER UPSET AT THOU?!" "Upset at me? I did absolutely nothing to make her mad. You, however, have done better than even I could!" He snapped his paw, a newspaper materializing in his claw hand. "WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS?!" Luna roared back, "WE HAVE DONE NOTHING!" "Oh, but you have," he sneered, "See for yourself." Immediately, Luna lit her horn and the newspaper shot to the irritated alicorn. She expected some dumb headline regarding what she or her sister had done earlier today, but the headline shocked her even more than she could've ever expected. BREAKING NEWS: LIGHT CHAI EMPIRE FORMED TO COMBAT BIRTH OF NEW DARK ROAST REPUBLIC "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" she shouted so loud that the dust shook loose from the rafters. "It appears that you, dear Luna, have started a rebellion with your coffee." Discord stated with barely concealed amusement.
When everybody talks, babeYou remember that poor guard that was in the room when Princess Celestia shouted? You know, the one that confused the river with a bay? Yeah, that poor soul. After enduring possibly the loudest shout ever heard by mortal ears, he was carted off to the Infirmary, babbling about how he had heard the voice of Faust, the Creator. He claimed that within the unearthly shout, the great alicorn of legend appeared to him, speaking in riddles that he claimed predicted the future. Blessed by her, she left him with a single request: to spread the word of her return to the Realm of Harmony. Needless to say, nopony believed him, especially after he claimed that there would be a great soda revolt, causing all of ponykind to obtain unnecessary concoctions of bubbly drinks, blurring the line between proper caffeinated beverages from the sugar filled posers. That, he predicted, would lead to the Beverage War between the forces of the Light Chai Empire and the New Dark Roast Republic against the Soda Bloc where, when all hope was lost, Faust herself would descend from the skies in glorious ornate golden armor, wielding a flaming horn of justice and bringing peace back to the world. What was ironic, though, was that he acted the whole prophecy out wearing a fez of unknown origins and scribbling a blue box onto a piece of parchment. Now, after a generous dosing of traquilizers and a few hours of bed restraints, the nameless soldier was much more calm, the fire in his eyes gone. Taking slow, measured breaths, he stared up at the ceiling, trying to deal with the news that he had been clinically insane for the last few hours and now he was on an IV of relaxants to bring his heart rate down from the astronomical levels it previously had plateaued at. The doctor, who had left a mere ten minutes ago, had ordered him to have full bed-rest for a couple days and some possible hearing therapy afterwards. Just as serenity was starting to wash over him, though, the sonorous echoes of Princess Luna rang out. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Her amplified voice thundered in his room, causing his heart rate to spike. "My Princess!" He screamed back at the ceiling, "Take heed of my words! The lies of the Soda will be brought to light and they will bring down the whole of Equestria down with them! Let them be exposed! Trust in Faust, my liege!" "What the buck is going on in here?!" Another guard roared as he barged into the room, spinning about wildly. He was pretty sloppy looking, his armor looking like it was thrown on in a hurry. "REPENT!" The one in the bed wailed as if in agony. "Repent, my dear brother! The great Beverage War is upon us!" Almost as if on cue, a doctor and nurse sped into the room, bee-lining straight for him. The hastily dressed guard watched in horror as they began to tighten his restraints and mess with the various liquids attached to him. "Nurse, forty more CCs of Xylazine, stat!" The doctor shouted, his brow furrowed in concentration. Even as he tightened the restraints, though, his efforts began to prove futile as the nameless guard fought for his freedom. "It's not working, doctor!" The young nurse shouted back, concern edging out any other emotion on her face. The doctor felt the grim reality of the situation come down upon him right then, knowing that what he had to do was the most extreme measure possible. "Ready the mallet." He spoke in a cold tone. "DISCORD!" Luna roared, pure ire burning behind her cerulean irises, "WHAT HATH THOU DONE NOW?! THE TRIALS OF TODAY HAD BEEN SOLVED ALREADY, YET YOU SEE IT FIT TO BRING THEM BACK FOR THINE OWN AMUSEMENT!" Princess Celestia whinnied weakly as she rubbed her ears through her flowing mane, her eyes shut with pain. The incessant ringing caused by Luna sounded as if there was a Breezie stuck in her ears, smashing cymbals together to gain her attention. Discord, however, smiled and leaned back in his chair, putting his paw over the back and crossing the pony leg over his dragon one. Coughing slightly, he brought his bird claw up to his mouth and pulled out two pieces of gray matter as if they were waiting there the whole time. He placed both pieces on the crown of his head and they stood up accordingly, each becoming his ears. "My, my, Luna!" He spoke in a smooth tone. "Did you learn to shout like that on the moon? Perhaps I need to visit there sometime to harness the power of my own voice." "ANSWER THE QUESTION BEFORE WE SEND YOU THERE REGARDLESS!" Luna shouted back, her pupils growing smaller. "Ooooh no. Just calm down, Luna. There is no need to stress yourself out. In fact, do you like fruit?" Discord responded calmly, his smirk growing wider. "WHAT?!" "Do you like fruit?" "DON'T YOU DARE, DISCORD!" "Well, do you like mmm—" "DISCORD!" "Bananas?" A couple of things happened all at once, causing a massive amount of mayhem in the Royal Dining Hall. An angry shout came from Luna just as Discord broke into uncontrollable laughter, teleporting away as a midnight blue streak darted to his last position. Turning sharply, the streak that was Luna shot up to the ceiling where Discord's gleeful laughter echoed from. He teleported once again as Luna neared him, anger lighting up her eyes like the full moon. Below, Celestia just sighed morosely as she stared at her oatmeal. With her younger sister in a tizzy with their once and forever mortal nemesis, there wasn't much the Solar Princess could do but sigh when they inevitably made their way to the table, smashing it in half and sending her lukewarm meal to the far wall. A series of ancient curses flowed from Luna's mouth, each one insulting Discord in ways modern ponies would not understand. "DISCORD, THOU IS A ▒▒▒▒▒▒! COME BACK HERE RIGHT ┬┴┬┴ NOW SO WE CAN ○○○○○ THOU IN THINE ████-HOLE!" She screamed. Celestia had to admit that she was rather surprised by her vocabulary, especially since most of those words were before ponykind had a written language. Discord, for his part, simply roared with laughter as he teased her with various magical tricks, all centering around bananas. Peels rained down on the Lunar Princess one moment, followed by banana-shaped motifs appeared everywhere and then Discord himself appearing as a giant banana. "What's wrong, Luna?" He asked between bouts of laughter, "Need your Dark Roast Republic to save you from the banana threat?" Luna wailed uncharacteristically as she threw herself at Discord, catching him off-guard and tackling him into the table, splattering bananas everywhere. Celestia simply sighed once more as Luna attempted to strangle Discord, shaking his head and neck around violently. Even though the fight of the century was going on in front of her, the Solar Princess's thoughts were elsewhere, centered on the ponies she called her subjects. If only they knew what stress they brought upon her and Luna with this, they may reconsider trying to split Canterlot between the coffee and tea drinkers. "Luna," she spoke in a sad voice, not even looking to her. "Please let him go. He's turning purple." True enough, Discord's face had turned a violent shade of plum while Luna glared daggers at him, still shaking his head around like a dog with a toy. Her pearly white teeth were bared and clenched in the meanest snarl she could muster, so she spoke through them in a voice that could make a constipated pony relieve itself. "NOT. UNTIL. HE. APOLOGIZES!" "He can't apologize if he can't breathe." Celestia pointed out. Discord, for his part, raised his lion paw, revealing a white sign with the message 'She's right, you know' to Luna. After giving one final shake and a frustrated grunt, Luna released Discord and spun to her sister while he gasped loudly. "HOW CAN THOU BE SO CALM AT THIS MOMENT?!" She demanded, her angry gaze burning brightly. "WE HAVE ENDURED MORE STUPIDITY TODAY THAN THE MAGIC BANANA INCIDENT HE TORMENTED US WITH!" To accentuate her point, Luna gave a swift kick to Discord, knocking what little air he had back out. Discord spluttered like a deflating balloon as he fell onto his chest. "AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, WE HAVE AN IDIOT'S REVOLT GOING ON OUTSIDE OUR CASTLE!" "Luna, please calm yourself." Celestia spoke sweetly. "There is nothing to be this upset about." A small silence ensued as Luna registered her sister's words before she responded. "ARE THOU MAD WITH AGE?! THERE IS EVERYTHING TO BE UPSET ABOUT!" "Yes, Luna, but getting angry with it does not solve the problem." "IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING SO FAR!" Luna aimed another kick at Discord, but he managed to bend his body away from the hoof, a fearful look in his yellow eyes. Without a second to spare, he teleported away and poked his much smaller head out from Celestia's mane, looking like a small animal that had taken refuge with a bigger relative. "As I recall, it was your brash actions that spurred on the revolt." Celestia spoke in a serious tone, her horn lighting a clear bluish color. The miniature Discord in her mane disappeared with a small pop before appearing next to her in his true size. "WE DID WHAT HAD TO BE DONE, SISTER! UNLIKE YOU, WE ARE NOT AFRAID OF THE COMMON IDIOT!" Both sisters flashed glances at each other; Celestia's hard and calculating stare meeting Luna's wild and irate snarl. Discord, while a huge fan of watching siblings fight, gulped hard instead, fearing for his own safety should the situation escalate any further. He had seen their previous castle and what they did to it and, he had to admit, the damage was nothing short of cataclysmic. Deciding to avoid a true civil war and the lovely chaos that followed, he cleared his throat, drawing both of their gazes. "If I may interject," he spoke in his smooth voice, "It seems that both of you are quite stressed by this." "WHAT GAVE THOU THAT IMPRESSION?!" Luna roared back, ancient sarcasm edging her voice. Discord couldn't help but crack a smile at that, knowing he had their full attention. "Oh, just a hunch." He purred before disappearing, materializing an instant later behind Celestia with the newspaper in his paw. "It would seem that, and this is just a guess, the ponies you call subjects took one of your actions out of context and—" "DOES THOU HAVE A POINT WITH THIS?!" "I was getting to that." Discord answered in an annoyed tone, casting an irritated glance at Luna. "Anyway, they took an event out of context and it exploded into something big, correct?" To accentuate his point, he patted his bird arm on Celestia's back, causing her to look down in shame. "It wasn't meant to be taken like this." Celestia spoke softly. "I just said the tea was good...." "And then one of you," Discord continued, his smile growing, "Flew off the handle, reacting to the situation in what appeared to be a solution, but made it worse." His yellow eyes locked onto Luna as she breathed heavily, clearly not amused. "Is there a point to this or are you getting some twisted amusement out of recounting today's events?" She demanded in a tone that almost sounded tame compared to her previous shouts. "Well, I won't deny that I so absolutely ADORE the chaos you two have caused, but I do have a point." Discord stated proudly. "And it's rather quite simple. All you two have to do is give me some free time with your ponies and I can fix all of this." A long silence ensued as Discord waited for an answer, both Princesses staring at him with disbelief. Luna in particular had a mix of fury, revulsion and confusion that Discord had to stifle a laugh at. "And what would you do to them to make them forget all of this?" Celestia asked cautiously. Discord's grin only became wider as he turned to her, ready to elaborate on his plan.
Everypony talks too muchThe clang of dirty glasses accented the creaking metal inside the dingy place. There was no color here, just a select few shades of brown and gray with black shadows dancing around. Several ponies shifted in their dusters, each one eyeing the other like they were in a pen of wolves. Three had eyepatches, two sported several long scars across their eyes and one even had a prosthetic leg made from parts of a barstool, train and an old jukebox that once played the last known copy of 'Midnight Boogaloo'. Behind the counter, a pony with a scruffy moustache gingerly rubbed a cloth spotted with sweat and dried oil onto some porcelain teacups. Behind him, a barista hummed as the scent of fresh coffee filled the air. Several patrons groaned while three rose from their seats, each extending a shaking hoof holding a paper cups. The word 'Starr-BUCKETS' could be seen scrawled in green ink across them. "I got decaf brewing, ya'll," the barpony grunted. "Regular is in an hour." "C-Coffee," one of them stuttered. "N-Need... coffee." The barpony shook his head as the paper cup slammed down on the counter. "C-C-Coffee!" the patron rasped. "Sorry, buddy," the barpony replied. "You got no beans for it." The pony wildly thrashed about as his hooves darted into his duster, kicking up a cloud of actual dust while he was at it. "I-I got beans!" he shouted. "I-I-I can pay for it!" "Son, I think you should go see the--" "NO!" he roared, slamming his hooves down on the counter. "You don't tell me how to live my life!" Every patron flinched and rose to their hooves as the wild-eyed pony stared down the barkeep. The intensity of the bloodshot eyes staring into him caused the barkeep to sigh and nod morosely. "Alright, son. I'll get you your coffee," he said in a small voice. The pony grunted with satisfied smile when a cup of ice cold water splashed across his face. He screamed as he fell back, frantically clawing at the droplets on his face as he kicked about on the cold metal floor. All the patrons took their seats, casually staring off into the distance as the pony thrashed and screamed louder. "Help me!" he wailed. "I'm drowning! I can't swim!" The barkeep pressed a hoof to his forehead, hoping the fool would stop soon. Caffeine junkies like him always made a scene, despite them not actually being completely aware of what they were doing. "Shut up, down there," he grumbled. "And you better not be taking pictures of yourself down there when you finish." "Selfies are an art!" the pony screamed back. "Weren't you drowning?" came the barkeep. A stunned silence filled the room as the pony realized the barkeep was right. The sudden wave of realization that hit him, though, made his forehead lance with pain as he whined and pressed his hooves to his head. "Bucking caffeine high," he muttered. A loud slurping filled the room, causing the melodramatic drifter on the floor to groan louder as one other patron held a teacup daintily in his hooves. He smacked his lips and grinned widely as his pupils began to dilate. "Wow," he muttered, looking into the cup filled with a cyan blue liquid. "That's some good tea." He grinned widely as a pony said, "Are your teeth glowing?" Without warning, the door to the establishment flew open, slamming violently against the wall. Everypony in the room froze and stared at the door as the sound of hooves clacking against the metal filled the room. Wearing a beat-up helmet that had 'POLICE' in blue letters stuck on it, the pony known as Bad Cop strode in, his heavy silver sunglasses shifting ever so slightly. Everypony immediately went rigid and sat at attention as he strode by, snorting at each pony he passed. "W-What can I d-d-do for you, Bad Cop?" the barkeep asked, his eyes tiny. Spinning in place, Bad Cop glared at the barkeep through his glasses before slowly striding over to the counter, glancing derisively at the pony on the floor. "I'm looking for a pony," he said in a voice so gritty, sandpaper would plug its ears. "A-A pony?" the barkeep stammered. "W-We ain't g-got nopony here we shouldn't." "Oh really?" he asked, leaning closer to the counter. "We'll be seeing about that." Turning to the patrons, Bad Cop reached behind his back and, after everypony ducked under the table, pulled out a crudely drawn image of a pony next to a soda vending machine. "I'm looking for this pony," Bad Cop growled. "He's been running the twenty-fourth largest illegal soda ring this side of Bomb-er-lot and eluded me for two whole days." One patron's head shot out from under his table and said, "That's it?" Turning to him, Bad Cop growled and the pony shrunk back underneath his table, nodding and silently crying the whole way. Looking away, Bad Cop scanned the room before freezing on a pony who was peeking out from his table. The spiky mane and terrified eyes were all he needed to see to connect the dots. "You there," he said, taking a step forward. "STAY BACK!"the pony shouted, standing up straight. As he stood, aluminum cans jingled from the inside of his jacket as a can of Dr. Hot Tamale rolled onto the floor. Without warning, everypony screamed and Bad Cop backed away as the can exploded, spraying the room with a sticky and sweet brown liquid. Bad Cop ripped off his ruined sunglasses and glared at the pony, who had two more cans in his hooves. The labels of 'Spring Mist' and 'Coca-Cider' were barely visible under his hooves. "Listen up, everypony!" he shouted. "These cans are filled with Mentos and baking soda! One shake and they'll blow this place to kingdom come! Got it?" "Doesn't baking soda neutralize carbonation?" one pony called. "You felling lucky, punk?" the pony roared back. "Listen, we can do this the easy way or--" Bad Cop began, but the pony began to violently shake the cans in his hooves. "He took the hard way! Get him!" Bad Cop roared as he charged forward. "Premier Twilight Sparkle sends her love!" he shouted before the cans glowed white in his hooves. A blinding white light filled the room as all the ponies shouted in abject horror. The film cut out as everypony in the square scrambled about, screaming in a mad panic. The film projector raced to the ground as ponies of all sizes charged it, a single glimmering tear of light escaping the lens. It watched the magnificent white screen it had projected the video on, noting the glorious banner reading 'Fallout: Fall of Equestria' in gold lettering. "The end is upon us!" one pony shouted. "We need to stop this!" another cried out. "To Ponyville!" yet another roared. The rabble continued to overwhelm Canterlot Square, overturning lines of red velvet ropes and stomping on posters labelled Light Chai Empire and New Dark Roast Republic. Countless bodies threw themselves against each other in tearful apologies and swapped different caffeinated drinks, each sipping freely of the brew of friendship. "And that, my little ponies," Discord said, appearing on top of the projection screen. "Is why you need to stop fighting." The crowd roared in response, loud enough to shake the stones beneath them. Far away, Princess Celestia sat on her balcony, her face planted in her hooves as she slowly shook her head. Luna stood next to her, glaring up at the moon with her bloodshot eyes and droopy eyelids. "'Tis a fine mess thou has gotten us into again, sister," she grumbled. Behind both of them, a scroll appeared on Celestia's rug in a burst of green flame. It slowly unraveled, revealing the hastily written note inside. Dear Princess Celestia, Why is there an angry mob outside my home and why are they throwing cans of soda at me?! Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle and Spike Author's Note Yeah, this took me a whole year to come up with. I accept your ridicule.
I can hear the chit-chatMost ponies always thought of Princess Luna being the vocal one of the two Solar Sisters, especially when she made her rare public appearances. The Royal Canterlot Voice had once been a legend that most ponies assumed came from a spiteful rumor about their beloved Sun Princess, but had easily accepted Luna's deafening tone to be the true origin of the legend. Those ponies had also never heard Princess Celestia shout. At the docks in Canterlot, several ponies of various types and colors whooped and hollered as they threw crates over the sides of the wooden ship, each one thinking they would make their message to their Princess crystal clear. They wanted their coffee no matter if Princess Celestia wanted them to all drink tea. Crate after crate of tea leaves flew over the side of the boat, each one tumbling helplessly towards the murky sea below. Several unicorns, some Royal Guards and some from the tea distributor, all stood at the base of the boat, trying to save as many crates as they could. Luckily, only a couple dozen had actually reached the water, the rest of them being teleported away into a storeroom in the castle. Behind them, a line of Royal Guards struggled to hold back a mob of mostly cranky ponies as they attempted to rush the rescue effort. "Let them fall!" a voice from the crowd shouted. The senseless noise was cut instantly as something this generation of ponies had never experienced happened. Their shouts died out as a low rumble began to shake the ground, making everypony quiver involuntarily. The rumbling only got worse as the ponies looked around for the source, only to see each other with the same confusion on their faces. Back on the boat, the tremors could be felt as the ship shuddered faintly. The crates of tea had, for now, stopped falling to the watery depths at the boat's side and the unicorns at the dock heaved a sigh of relief, even though they too felt the quivering. As they scanned the water for any salvagable crates, they were bitterly disappointed as most of them had been smashed open and the seawater was turning an ominous brown color. "THEY DID WHAT?!" Silence reigned over the ponies as the shout of anger echoed out to sea, filling most of those on the boat with a sense of dread. Below, the Royal Guards merely froze at the sound of the voice ringing out so loudly. Most of them had never heard even Princess Luna shout that loud when she wanted to. Horror crept up onto their faces as they all turned to the castle in the distance to see a blinding white light streaking towards the docks. It was obvious who had made the shout. At least, to the Royal Guard it was. "CLEAR THE AREA!" the commander shouted from the dockside, racing over to the line, "GET EVERYPONY OUT OF HERE!" A mad panic ensued as the protesters scrambled back, each trying to escape from the doom that was heading their way. Unfortunately, the only exit to the dockside was a single rotating ticket booth surrounded by a rusty metal fence that most ponies were trying to climb over. Pegasi and unicorns easily escaped, but they were only a small percentage to the earth ponies that clogged the turnstile. On the boat, every demonstrator fled in a mad panic as well, even though the Guards below shouted for them to remain still. Pegasi darted off in all directions away from the streak of white light while the unicorns teleported away in great haste. The only four earth ponies to make it onto the boat did the only thing they could do: they scrambled into the boat and made a break for the gangway onto the dock. Unfortunately, they failed to escape, as did most of the crowd, before the white light landed with a deafening crash on the docks. Temporarily blinded, all the ponies rubbed their eyes and blindly pleaded for mercy as their eyesight came back. It was obvious to them now where the voice had come from as Princess Celestia stood on the dock, watching the boat with a horrified look. Gradually, she neared the dockside where her guards parted in order for her to reach the water's edge. Her magenta eyes were full of shock as she lowered them to survey the brown water that lapped against the wall. Pieces of crates floated around in the tea flavored seawater, looking like the remains of a ship lost at sea. Celestia's mouth opened and closed slightly as she tried to work out a sentence, but not a single word would come to her. Eventually, she turned to the crowd of ponies behind that was staring at her in fear. Not a single one of them spoke as she met each of their gazes, her eyes of beautiful magenta misting over. Princess Celestia's bottom lip began to quiver and soon, she broke away from their stares and lowered her head, hiding it within her waving rainbow mane. Before her guards even approached her, however, the deep blue form of Princess Luna descended onto the docks next to Celestia. "Sister, what was thou thinking when thy shouted like that?!" Luna hissed angrily as she immediately focused on rubbing her still ringing ears, "The poor guard had to be taken to the infirmary because he started rambling nonsense after you shouted!" Luna waited expectantly for an answer as she pushed her hoof further into her ear, attempting to massage away the pain, but soon turned to a shocking sight. Her beloved older sister was whimpering slightly as she sat on the sun-bleached stone. "Sister?" she asked calmly. At that, Princess Celestia looked up at her, tears forming in the glossy orbs she called eyes. Her bottom lip was quivering uncontrollably and a sense of dread washed over Luna. Luna's own eyes widened at that, causing her to look around for the first time since she had arrived. Behind them floated the ship of tea in question, but the Lunar Princess noticed the water was the same color as the hull of the boat. Shock covered her face and her pupils shrunk to an incredible size, causing her to forget the ringing in her ears. "What in Equestria?" she mumbled. "Down with the Tea Empire!" a dimwitted pony shouted from the crowd. An audible gasp came from the legion of ponies gathered around the dock, each of them turning to the source of the voice. Amid the throng stood a silly looking red and black pony with an outrageously blonde mane, smiling dumbly at the clearly upset Princesses. He stood tall despite the gravity of his actions, even as Princess Luna spun slowly to him. "What did you say?" she asked in a deadly serious tone. "Down with the Tea Empire!" he repeated foolishly, thrusting an empty coffee cup into the air, "We want our coffee, no matter what the dumb Princess says!" Luna's tiny pupils twitched slightly as the crowd backed away from him slowly. Every single pony, including the Royal Guards, gulped heavily as Luna pulled her rump from the stones, her legs shaking from a barely concealed emotion they knew was about to erupt out of her. The snifflings from Princess Celestia only grew louder as she turned to the pony, who grinned at her in a malicious way. "Are thou MAD?!" she screamed at him in the loudest iteration of the Royal Canterlot Voice anypony had ever heard, "DOTH THOU HAVE NO SENSE OF SHAME?!" The red and black pony's smirk began to falter as he regarded Luna, confusion in his eyes. "Easy babe," he spoke nonchalantly, "I was talking about that---" Luna roared angrily as the crowd gasped again, completely in shock at what the pony had just said. Did he really just call the Lunar Princess 'babe'? With all of her anger bubbling over, Luna lifted her forelegs into the air and slammed them down with enough force to make a massive fissure that spanned the stone and concrete dock. Her eyes began to glow bright white as she continued her verbal onslaught. "WHAT DID THOU CALL US?!" she roared, "THOU WILL NEVER EVER REFER TO US BY THAT TITLE AGAIN! DOTH THOU UNDERSTAND?!" The pony paled a bit under his black and red coat, but he still tried to smile innocently at her. "Ease up, Luna baby," he spoke in a quivering tone, "You're my favorite Princess, so I'm not--" "SHUT YOUR IMPERTENANT MOUTH, FOOL! WE DO NOT CARE HOW THOU VIEWS US, THOU WILL NOT TALK TO OUR SISTER OR US IN SUCH A DISRESPECTFUL MANNER! DOTH THOU POSSESS SOME KIND OF MENTAL DISORDER THAT ALLOWS ONE TO NOT ACT PROPERLY IN PUBLIC?!" As Luna shouted, her mane whipped up to an invisible wind, swirling like a tornado of stars. Her glowing white eyes only got more intense and she stomped ever closer to the stallion, who began to cower in fear. "IT IS THANKS TO PONIES LIKE THOU THAT THIS MESS EXISTS, IF ONLY TO TORTURE OUR SISTER! SHE HAS DONE NOTHING WORTHY OF YOUR REBUKE AND IS NOW GREATLY DISTRESSED AT THOU'S PATHETIC SAYINGS! HOW DARE THOU SPEAK SO ILL OF HER WHEN SHE CRAVES A CUP OF TEA! WE OURSELVES CRAVE THE MAGICAL WAKING ELIXER WHEN WE RISE IN THE MORN, BUT WE ARE NOT DESTROYING THE TEA TRADE, ARE WE?!" Luna kept shouting, even as she towered over the now clearly shaking stallion. Her fierce demeanor had such a profound effect that the horrible black and red colors seemed to be melting from the stallion, producing a tan color that fit him much better. Unsure of what to do, most ponies made it their goal to distance themselves from the angry alicorn as she shouted ancient rebukes at the poor soul lying at her hooves. "AND WHAT DOTH THOU HAVE TO SAY FOR THYSELF?!" she demanded, bringing her rampage to a halt. Without a word, the stallion erupted into a fountain of tears as he bolted away from the Lunar Princess, wailing the whole way down the dock. Luna still heaved heavy breaths as her glowing eyes faded back to normal, unaware of a looming presence behind her. "Sister," Celestia spoke gently, "I thank you for your defense of me, but I think I know of a way for all of this to end without anymore shouting." Luna craned her tired neck around to give Celestia a sideways look before her snout scrunched up. "And how doth thou propose to do that?" she asked pointedly. Celestia smiled warmly, her glossy magenta eyes twinkling. "Have some faith in me, sister. I know what to do." From somewhere in the crowd, another pony whistled as they all watched the stallion round the corner a ways away. "She scared the stupid out of him!" a filly exclaimed from the crowd, causing all of them to start cheering for the Lunar Princess. Author's Note Wow, you all like it so much, I think I'll keep it around!
