Brown Note the Unicorn

by kudzuhaiku

Rating: teen
Tags: Tragedy, Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance, Fluttershy
Length: 2090

Brown Note the Unicorn has the most unusual talent. Join him as he wanders Equestria and finds true love.

The epic saga of Brown Note the unicorn, cursed with the most horrible talent ever. Will he ever find respite? Read to find out!

Published 2014-03-24 10:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-02 01:36:02 UTC

Bed Time Story Two: Electric Boogaloo

“Settled into bed Sprout?” A voice said.

“Yeah, but I’m not sleepy.” A voice replied.

“We’ll see.” A very kind and gentle voice said.

“Another story! Huzzah!” A voice said, having some volume control issues.

“A bedtime story?” Said another voice in sunny tones.

“Shush!” Said a very sarcastic voice.

Once there was a princess, a little alicorn filly. And she was sickeningly cute and adorable. She was the filly of Brown Note and Hiatus. And her name was Princess Potty Mouth. Potty Mouth was the sweetest little filly you ever did see, adorable, loving, and so many other nauseating descriptions for being saccharine.

But Potty Mouth had a problem. She had terrible breath. So, she left home hoping to find a cure for her terrible malady, an end to what plagued her.

“How is she an alicorn?” A voice asked.

“Shut your cake hole!” An irritated voice answered.

“That is very rude sister.” A voice replied.

“So is interrupting a foal’s bedtime story!” A voice snapped.

There was an adorable yawn.

So the adorable alicorn filly wandered the roads, looking for somepony that might help her. She walked for many days, leaving her parents behind, her bowels finally free from the constant tug of war her parent’s magic caused her.

After walking many miles, she came upon a group of migrating butterflies. “Hello!” She cried, glad to see the butterflies, feeling the tickle of their many wings.

Her breath caused the great butterfly extinction of ‘23.

“Oh that’s awful!” The kind voice said.

Princess Potty Mouth was devastated. Sighing sadly, she continued down the road, approaching Canterlot, which was many, many, many miles away through heavily populated areas. As she walked, flowers wilted and died, bugs dropped dead, and leaves fell from the trees.

“I’m not sure that this story is appropriate for foals…” A voice said hesitantly.

“Sister. Your cake hole is open again.” A voice replied.

There was another adorable yawn.

Eventually, Potty Mouth reached a town called Miller’s Crossing. Ponies came out to see her, glad to meet a stranger, as ponies tend to be. Because strangers would never do them harm and talking to strangers is always a safe bet. The mayor met her on the bridge.

“Hello.” Potty Mouth said, causing the mayor to faint dead away. The rest of the townsponies began to spew rainbows everywhere, running away, spewing steaming chunks of rainbows from their mouths and noses.

Potty Mouth hung her head and cried, looking oh so very sad and heart broken. Nopony loved Potty Mouth. And for good reason. Her mouth smelled like a sewer!

There was another very large yawn from a mouth filled with dozens of sharp teeth.

“I’d better skip ahead.” A voice said.

“But I’m not sleepy!” A voice protested.

So after many trials and tribulations, Princess Potty Mouth finally made it to Canterlot to become Princess Celestia’s personal protege. She stood in Celestia’s throne room, looking up at her teacher with wide eyed adoration and said “I am an even bigger brown noser than Twilight Sparkle!”

“Hey!” A voice said.

Celestia caught the full force of the alicorn filly’s breath. Every feather fell from her wings, leaving her looking a little plucked, and every white hair fell from her coat, leaving her naked. It was then her subjects saw her secret shame, a tattoo of Twilight Sparkle on her backside from when she visited Las Pegasus.

There was a very frustrated sigh and a grunt from one of the voices.

Celestia, in her infinite wisdom, gave Princess Potty Mouth a breath mint, thinking that it would cure the problem. The breath mint sprouted eight hairy legs and ran off, leaping from Princess Potty Mouth’s potty scented mouth. And to this day we still have hairy legged breath mint stink spiders running around, stinking up the place.

“Ivy is asleep Discord.” Fluttershy said.

“But I haven’t gotten to the good part.” Discord said with a cackle.

“There’s a good part?” Twilight said, yawning herself.

“I cannot believe I was talked into listening to this.” Celestia said. “This was horrible. Shame on you Discord!”

“Ouch, ennui.” Discord replied.

“I want to hear the rest of the story!” Luna said, grinning.

“Oh, Princess Potty Mouth becomes Celestia’s Mary Sue, they have magical adventures together, and Potty Mouth sends Luna letters about having inappropriate relationships with your teacher.” Discord said, rubbing his talons and his paw together.

Celestia rolled her eyes. “I knew I should have never left the castle on April Foal’s Day.”

Brown Note's Magical Journey

A lone unicorn roamed the Unicorn Range, walking the roads, going from place to place, never staying in any one place very long. He was rather dull looking, his coat a cinnamon brownish red, and his mane a completely unremarkable shade of iron grey. He walked with purpose, seemingly without fear, his head high and his hoofbeats clattering as he cantered down the cobblestones.

Upon closer inspection, somepony might notice that this pony looked a bit lonesome.

His saddlebags bounced slightly as he walked, everything he owned carried therein. He was rather wild and disheveled looking, his mane long and uncut, as was his tail, as though he had not been in civilisation for quite some time.

Suddenly, as he walked down the road, a manticore leapt out onto the road in front of him, claws flexing, mouth open, roaring loudly, making a frightful commotion.

The unicorn yawned, seemingly uninterested. He stood looking at the manticore, waiting patiently, looking a little sad, and more than a bit lonesome, even though the manticore was terrible company. A fearsome gurgle-burble came from the manticore’s stomach.

The manticore paused, frozen in place, a strange look of discomfort upon its face.

“Grrrrwwwrr?” It implied, ceasing all violent action.

The unicorn’s name was Brown Note. He was unique among unicorns. His talent was relaxing sphincters, and causing upset bowels.

“Urgleglurgleglug!” The manticore’s stomach uttered, upset that the narrator had made such a sudden and previously unannounced plot point clear, after the manticore had selected its prey.

“Too bad.” Said the narrator, thoroughly amused at his own story.

The backside of the manticore suddenly exploded, causing a geyser of brown sludge to spray forth. The manticore bellowed, not liking his bottom suddenly exploding into a geyser, and dearly wanted a private word with the narrator after this whole business was finally finished.

Brown Note stood silent, having seen this a hundred times. He appeared to be almost ready to expire from ennui, exhaling exorbitantly.

The manticore ran away, painting the landscape a fetid shade of brown, fertilising the flowers, his roars cursing the abysmal narrator telling this story for his own enjoyment.

Brown Note was completely unaware of the narrator, or the narrator’s plans.

Brown Note continued onward, bravely facing expiration from ennui, feeling alone and unloved.

He continued until he reached a town, seeing ponies, wanting so badly to see them. He stood at a far distance, knowing that he would not be welcome. He sighed, sadly, seeking shelter and solace from his solitude.

There was none to be had.

Perhaps, perhaps this day he could control his talent. Brown Note strode forward into the town, smiling, looking hopeful.

Today was not the day to be hopeful.

“Glarglesnarg?” Over a hundred bellies said in unison, all of them suddenly very cranky with the narrator.

“Flubbleslubub!” The bellies cried, Brown Note’s magic taking hold.

Tails lifted. Torrents of runny brown goo spurted forth. The town became awash in the feculent funk of felicitous feces.

Felicitous? The narrator paused. Feces? Why yes, it was a most magical plot device. I used their plots as a device! For mayhem, the narrator inserted with a maniacal giggle. How fortunate I have been thus far.

The ponies ran amok, knee deep in muck.

Foals cried, some only known by the bubbles rising through the brown sludge, mares fainted, a fate worse than death, and brave stallions began to compete who could squirt the farthest distance.

The cacophony of crepitation creaking from cavernous cracks continued.

“What a silly story.” A voice interrupted, breaking the narrator’s train of thought.

Brown Note fled the town, using the sudden pause in the story.

Brown Note traveled, always moving, each day in a new place. Until finally, one day, upon the road, he met a dark blue alicorn.

“Flee from me Princess!” Brown Note pleaded, “Before I harm you and bring shame upon my self.”

“Fear not humble Brown Note.” Luna cried, turning around and lifting her tail, revealing a cork lodged in a precarious place. She turned back around to face her saddened subject.

“Fear not humble subject, for I bring tidings of great joy. Huzzah!” Luna cried, a broad grin splitting her forever cheerful face.

“Brown Note the unicorn, your troubles are over. I have come to take you away, to a place where you will be happy, to meet the love of your life.” Luna said, very nearly breaking her character.

Brown Note sighed, not believing.

Luna took wing and flew away, carrying Brown Note with her magic.

“Erglagglaphlug!” Luna’s belly rumbled.

“Huzzah!” Luna cried. “Foul narrator, I have foiled thee with a cork!”

She flew onward, over Canterlot, Brown Note in tow.

As she flew over Canterlot, the cork flew out with a POP!

“A pox upon you, foul narrator from the depths of Tartarus, for besmirching my princessly plot!” Luna cried.

The alicorn caused a fine brown mist to fall upon Canterlot, Brown Note still in tow.

Many of the residents, hopeful that it was raining chocolate milk, turned their heads upward, seeking a pleasant bounty from the sky.

Many, many ponies cursed the narrator that day, many plotting to find some way to give him a taste of his own medicine, many hoping that the medicine tasted like what wasn’t chocolate milk raining from the sky.

Too late, the townsponies fell under Brown Note’s spell, forever ruining the carpets of Canterlot.

Finally, Luna flew to a distant land, spreading a riotous rectal rainbow the remainder of her journey, cursing and hating the narrator the whole time, promising to bring him horrible nightmares.

And when she landed, there was unicorn mare, also rather dull and unremarkable, who stood waiting, almost expired from ennui.

Brown Note took one look at her and fell madly in love, not knowing why.

“This is Hiatus.” Luna announced. “Her magic is interruption. She causes irregularity of the bowels.” Luna took a deep sigh of relief as the never ending flow of feculent fudge finally slowed. She raised an eyebrow at the narrator, a promise of pain.

Brown Note ran forward and kissed Hiatus, and they lived happily ever after.

The end.

**Sound of a book closing.**

Discord closed the book and looked at his precious Ivy. “Did you like the story Sprout?” He asked, looking at his beloved mismatched foal. Ivy squealed with delight and clapped her talons together, her tail whipping around. She sat on the bed, looking most adorable.

“Discord, that story was horrible, I don’t know why I let you keep reading it to our baby.” Fluttershy said, a faint hint of a scold in her voice.

“What is ennui? Ivy asked innocently.

“What you feel when Celestia is lecturing you.” Discord answered, raising an eyebrow.

“Ivy it is time for bed. I hope you don’t have nightmares.” Fluttershy said, looking at her foal.

“Did you learn anything Ivy?” Discord asked, looking at her seriously.

Ivy paused for a few moments, taking in what her father had said.

“Yes daddy.” She said at last.

“Well,” said Discord, “out with it.”

“No matter how awful somepony might appear to be, somepony will love them?” Ivy said hopefully.

“Very good Ivy.” Fluttershy said, planting a kiss on Discord. “Now go to bed.”

“But I’m not sleepy.” Ivy said, falling over and her eyes closing. “Not sleepy.” She protested, falling into slumber.

“Discord, we need to talk about your stories. That was really awful. You’ve been staring at a cookbook this whole time!” Luna said in mild annoyance. “Where do you come up with this stuff?”

“Ask the narrator.” Discord said with a cackle.

“Discord, really, you should cease this foolishness.” Luna said, a faint smile upon her lips. “I don’t know how you made that story up as you went, but next story night, you should have a sequel with Celestia.”

Discord chuckled, nodding his head in agreement.

Author's Note

A fun story involving Ivy.

Enjoy!