Titanfall: Guns and Stuff

by Good Christian Ethesto

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Nightmare Moon, Tragedy, Adventure, Crossover, Human, Iron Will, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3853

When a group of Titanfallers are summoned to Equestria, their unique skills will come in handy with helping the locals with their problems. After all, there doesn't exist a problem that guns can't fix.

When a group of Titanfallers are summoned to Equestria, their unique skills will come in handy with helping the locals with their problems. After all, there doesn't exist a problem that guns can't fix.

Published 2014-03-24 20:10:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-31 18:50:43 UTC

Titans wobble but they don't fall down.

Titans wobble but they don't fall down.

"Boom boom bam!" Said his gun as it shot out bullets. Bullets meant for kill, and that's just what they did as they killed one human who was running around.

The owner of the weapon couldn't help but laugh as his enemy fell over, thoroughly dead. Ending a human's life was the best thing ever, and so he shot people all the time, but only people on the other team, so it was okay. His brief celebration was cut short, though, when he spotted another enemy running around. He held up his Assault Riffler, not even bothering to aim as he shot out like a hundred bullets. The unsuspecting enemy human didn't stand a ghooost of a chance, and he was dead before he hit the ground.

"Wow, you sure are good at kill," remarked another soldier from nearby, causing the as-of-yet main character soldier with the gun to jump as he didn't expect anyone to be behind him.

"It's what I do all day, I'd hope I'm good," he remarked with a friendly chuckle.

The other soldier, Soldier 2, if you will, chuckled back. "Me too!" Suddenly there was a bang, and Soldier 2's head exploded and he was dead.

"Oh no, they have a snipper!" Called out him, the main one, as he jumped behind cover. A snipper is someone who uses an accurate gun that hardly shoots out any bullets. Snippers are the most skilled gun in the world, and, therefore, the most cool.

"Don't worry," reassured another soldier who was nearby, "I have a big explosion gun." He pulled it off his back and shot it at the enemy, killing over a baker's dozen of hidden snippers in the process.

"Wow, that was really neat!" Remarked Lord Commander Ramierez, who has been the main character the whole time.

"Thanks Lord Commander," commented the soldier, who's name is Fleet Admiral Davis, right before his shooty gun ran out of ammo. Just kidding, they never run out, but just in case, Lord Commander Ramierez threw down a box of every type of ammo that he was holding on his back. "Thanks Lord Commander," said Fleet Admiral Davis as he absorbed the bullets into his body via osmosis.

Their guns continued to shoot things out and the bad guys died a lot but then there was a glow. "Woah, what's that?" Asked Fleet Admiral Davis who was more perceptive than his friend and noticed first.

"I don't know," commented Lord Commander Ramierez helpfully, "we seem to be glowing and stuff."

"Woah, you guys seein' this?!" Called out Commander and Chief Stevenson as he ran over with Sergeant General Thompson in tow. They all stopped shooting their assault rifflers and snippers and rocket cannons and hand guns as they looked at their glowing bodies.

"I have no idea what's going on," stated Lord Commander Ramierez. If it wasn't guns or things to shoot at, it was far out of his field of expertise. Suddenly there was a great big flash and everything just changed, their molecules got all rearranged. When they first woke up they realized they were in Equestria.

"Wow, how'd we get here? I must have been drinking lots of alcohol again like always," explained Sergeant General Thompson. They were on the ground, and were surrounded by what looked like hundreds of cow people who were super muscular and had big horns.

Commander and Chief Stevenson couldn't help but lick his lips, seeing all these cow people. "It looks like we're having bacon for dinner," he foreshadowed. Suddenly, the biggest cow man of all stepped forward and bowed before them.

"We are the humanitaurs, great ones, and we have summoned you here. Also I'm Iron Will."

"Summoned?" Questioned a confused Lord Commander Ramierez. This didn't have anything to do with guns or shooting people!

"Yes," Iron Will replied, "with magic."

"Magic isn't real where we come from," explained Fleet Admiral Davis.

The whole crowd of humanitaurs gasped. Nothing could possibly survive without magic. "How do you survive without magic?" They called out.

"We have technology," said Commander and Chief Stevenson with a shrug. "We're really smart, we've been to the moon and we doesn't afraid of anything."

"Well, maybe you can help us," said the humanitaur.

"Help you? Why would we help you? You summoned us here with magic we've never seen before and we were doing something really important. Hell, we should kill you all for inconveniencing us. I've killed for less, and I need a drink," yelled Sergeant General Thompson who was an alcoholic, but so is every other character. They all smoke too.

Suddenly there was a loud sound, and the humanitaurs started to run around in fear. "Oh no," they screamed, "It's the ponies!"

"They're here to repress and kill us all using harmony and magic!"

"We're doomed, nothing can defeat!"

Just then, there was a bunch of booms, like a million tiny explosions, and one of the ponies was filled with daylight. He fell over, dead, and all eyes went to the source of the noise, one of the huemans. "I can defeat," he stated defiantly.

Just then, the other three humans walked up and shook their heads 'no' at him. "No, we can defeat. Together." They all aimed their guns, which were in their hands the whole time because they always have their guns, and started shooting all the evil ponies. They died in droves, and they died in bushels. Heck, they even died in baker's dozens!

Suddenly, there was a big group of them who were all charging in at once so Fleet Admiral Davis pulled out his explosion gun and blew them all up at once. There was one in the back shooting magic, but Commander and Chief Stevenson just shot him with his snipper.

Lord Commander threw a grenade into the group of attacking ponies, killing a hundred of them, and bringing his titan off cooldown. "I'm gonna use my kill spree now," he said, but instead of an attack helicopter, or a tiny nuke, or puppies, a big robot man fell from the sky with a gun and missiles. All the ponies and humanitaurs stared at it with wide eyes as Lord Commander jumped inside its cock pit and started using the controls to shoot his gun at the ponies. They didn't stand a ghooost of a chance, and before long they were all dead.

"Wow, that sure was both easy and fun," remarked 5-star Sergeant General Thompson, who had been promoted for getting so many kills confirmed.

"I'll say," said Fleet Admiral Davis as he admired his handy work, which is to say the dead pony corpses.

Suddenly the humanitaurs all gathered 'round excitedly. "We knew summoning you, our human Gods, was a good idea."

"Gods?" Questioned Lord Commander Ramierez who was still in the Titan. "We're your Gods?"

"Yes, we worship the great humans and you are them. We summoned you because the ponies have pushed us to the verge of extinction, and we need your help. As a token of our gratitude, you can take your pick from any of our women."

Out from the crowd of humanitaurs stepped a group of ordinary cows. Girl humanitaurs are just cows, after all. They lined up before the human soldiers, presenting themselves, and 5-star Sergeant General Thompson couldn't help but chuckle.

"I told you we'd be havin' bacon!"

Grenades are guns too

"Wowee-to-the-ultra-zowee, these pork chops sure did hit the spot!" Exclaimed a gleeful, and thoroughly-meat-filled 5-star Sergeant General Thompson. Not only does he like guns, alcohol, and smoking, but he also enjoys himself some good meat from time to time.

"You should try this ham," shot back Fleet Admiral Davis. Thankfully, he used his mouth to do the shooting this time, and not his gun. Friendly-fire is bad.

"Enough eating food," butted in Lord Commander Ramierez who was still in his titan because he didn't know which button to press to leave it, "we have important things to kill."

Even 5-star Sergeant General Thompson could agree with that sentiment. Killing things is far more important than eating. Even animals know that. That's why they generally kill things before eating. Sometimes they do both at the same time, but that's not relevant.

"Did somebody say killing things? What's it gonna be today?" Asked Commander and Chief Stevenson as he came back from a nearby tree. He'd just finished 'draining the main vain', and by 'main vain' I don't mean his carotid artery, radial artery, or any other arteries, I mean his penis.

"We are kill ponies of course," replied Lord Commander Ramierez. "They have kill many humanitaurs, and now we must many kill them in return. It is only fair."

"Many ponies kill will be had indeed, but where might be many ponies to kill?" Asked Fleet Admiral Davis, getting right down to business. After all, the hardest part of killing things is finding things to kill.

"I can answer that!" butted in Iron Will who was standing near them the whole time. "The ponies nest just East of here. Many ponies reside there, and their deaths would be glorious should you choose to slaughter them all."

"Then what are we waiting for?" Asked Commander and Chief Stevenson, "let's go!"

And so they did, heading due East with much haste. They ran and they ran. Storms rolled in and storms rolled out. The sky turned dark and light again many-a-time, and the seasons came and went like paper bags in the wind. Eventually, though, they made it to their destination, a quaint little pony town, filled to the brim with potential-homicide victims.

"We have made it," remarked Fleet Admiral Davis. "What's that over there?" He pointed to a wooden home built into a hillside, surrounded by trees and lush grass and flowers.

"That must be Bilbo Baggin's home," explained Lord Commander Ramierez. "But who lives there?" He pointed his titan's arm at another, similar building built into the hillside, but this one was surrounded by chirping birds and frolicking little animals.

"Who would live in such a stupid house?" Wondered 5-star Sergeant General Thompson aloud. As if summoned by his query, the owner of the home stepped out of the front door, answering his question. A stupid horse lived in that stupid house. She almost instantly spotted the group, as they were about as sneaky a not-sneaky thing and she approached them.

"Hi, my name's Fluttershy," she introduced, a huge smile upon her yellow face as she looked up at them with blue eyes that were absolutely brimming with joy, kindness, and wonder. Soon they would be brimming with tears and blood. "Aw, you guys are so cute. I haven't seen anything nearly as adorable as you all before."

Commander and Chief Stevenson didn't appreciate being called 'cute'. He is a man, and men are ugly, not cute. Enraged by her insult he pulled out his combat knife and swiftly lodged it in her eye. There was no scream or struggle, just instant death as her brain was punctured. And then he pulled out his knife and chopped her body into tiny bite-sized pieces, saving them in a Glad container for later.

"Wow, I sure hate animals," said Fleet Admiral Davis as he lobbed a frag grenade at Fluttershy's previous home. The grenade blew up, and the entire building was torn to pieces, and every animal died, and the rubble lit on fire. Then he leveled up from killing so many animals. Supreme Fleet Admiral Davis couldn't help but feel good about how his day was going so far...

Unfortunately, the explosion got the attention of the entire town, and now they were converging on the humans' location. Surely they would all be slaughtered, their flesh devoured and their bones gnashed on by blunt pony teeth. Or would they?

Well I guess you'll just have to keep reading to find out, ya' dingus!

The most awesome battle ever in any fanfiction ever

"Ponies, hundreds of them, incoming!" Summarized Supreme Fleet Admiral Davis in as few words as possible. He picked up his snipper riffler and aimed down-sights, easily spotting the horde of colored, quadrupedal abominations. "And they sure do look angry!"

"Not as angry as they're gonna be," remarked 5-star Sergeant General Thompson. "Wait, I mean 'dead', not 'angry'."

"Yeah," agreed Commander and Chief Stevenson, "we have guns and they don't." As if to prove a point, he picked up his assault riffler and aimed it at the oncoming mob. A quick pull of the trigger and 50 bullets were fired out resulting in the deaths of countless ponies. Another pull, another 50 bullets, and another pile of corpses for the corpse throne!

"Hey! I wanna shoot too!" Pouted Lord Commander Ramierez. And so he did. Shoot, that is. His big, huge titan-sized assault riffler was all like 'kaplowee bamo!' and it shot lots and lots of bullets out and they all hit because he has good aim. Before long, all four of them had started shooting at the oncoming ponies, killing thousands if not millions of them.

Supreme Fleet Admiral Davis didn't even need to aim, and instead opted to climb up a nearby boulder over and over before jumping off and doing 360 no-scopes. He didn't need aim because he was good with gun and he shot mayor mare in the head and then he shot Rainbow Dash in the head because she's the fastest.

Suddenly Twilight Sparkle teleported to them and was really angry but she got shot by 5-star Sergeant General Thompson who had a shot gun and shot her twice to make sure she was dead before turing and shooting another pony two times also! Suddenly Pinkie Pie pulled out her party canon and tried to shoot them, but it wasn't a very good gun and Lord Commander Ramierez walked over and kicked her with his titan because he could. Suddenly Applejack threw a rope out to try to catch Commander and Chief Stevenson but he had a gun and shot her and she died so Applebloom tried with a tinier rope, but Commander and Chief Stevenson shot her too, then he shot the other two cutie mark crusaders so they couldn't tie him up and because he wanted them all dead.

Then, when no one was looking, Supreme Fleet Admiral Davis took his grenade launcher off his back and shot all his grenades killing forty ponies. He killed 40 ponies. That's as many as four tens, and that's terrible. They kept shooting, and before long every pony in the town was dead. Their corpses littered the ground like litter in the pacific ocean which isn't funny it's a serious problem and lots of fish and marine animals die because of it every year and they choke on it and it kills the coral reefs which are beautiful and don't deserve to be destroyed by trash so please recycle :).

Once all of them were dead, all of the titanfallers leveled up, and they all got titans of their own. Ultra Supreme Fleet Admiral Davis got a little titan and 5-star Omega Sergeant General Thompson got a big titan and Eren Jaegar turned into a titan and Commander and Master Chief Stevenson got a titan with lots of guns and Lord Shepard-Commander Ramierez got another titan which he wore on top of his other one.

They were ready for kill, and just in time, as their unadulterated slaughter of all those ponies had caught the attention of none other than all the pony princesses, the most powerful of all ponies. All five of the princesses teleported in, looking angry.

"Monsters, we'll stop you for killing all our subjects!" Celestia, Luna, Nightmare Moon, Cadence, and Chrysalis, the five pony princesses of Equestria and the most powerful of all ponies again, yelled all at once.

"I knew I shoulda stayed home today," said 5-star Omega Sergeant General Thompson.

Can our heroes possibly defeat? Will 5-star Omega Sergeant General Thompson ever overcome the death of his father and fix his drinking problem? Will they ever run out of bullet?

Find out next time on Titanfall: Guns and Stuff!

Flippin' your flap jacks

"Foolish mortals, we are the most powerful of all ponies, and we will crush you with supreme magic the likes of which has never been seen before!" Cried all five alicorn princesses, once again in perfect synchronimity and or harmony.

"Psh," psh'ed Commander and Master Chief Stevenson, "magic shmagic. Can your magic beat bullet? Didn't think so."

"Yeah!" They all said at once.

"Not-uh!" Yelled back 5-star Omega Sergeant General Thompson. "Nothing beats guns. They are the highest point of authority in this universe and perhaps the other universe as well."

"Whatever, I bet you couldn't even kill a 1/1 squirrel," said the princesses.

"I've killed a thousand squirrels, and a thousand ponies too!" Bragged Lord Shepard-Commander Ramierez.

"Enough talk, have at thee!" But the princesses weren't horsein' around. They had no time for child's play, and instantly unleashed their ultimate move. They all flew into the air, magical light surrounding their bodies before they combined into one giant titan. It was at least twice the size of any of the other titans, and had a big huge assault riffler to match its bigness. "What, you didn't think we could use guns as well? Perhaps you forget that we are in charge around here. How did you think we got into a position of power?"

Supreme Fleet Admiral Davis reached up and took his titan's sunglasses off, taking a look at their titan with his special eyes. They widened in surprise at what he saw. "That's no ordinary-human gun!"

"What do you mean?!" Snapped back Lord Shepard-Commander Ramierez. "What other type of gun is there?"

"He's right," confirmed the princesses. "This is a magical gun made from magic that shoots magic. Muahaha"

"A magic gun?" Questioned 5-star Omega Sergeant General Thompson. "Now that sounds down-right ridiculous."

"We'll see how ridiculous it is once it has killed every one of you!" Threatened the princesses as they leveled their massive magical assault riffler at the humans and their titans and opened fire. Suddenly, a rainbow-like projectile sprung forth from its muzzle, impacting Lord Shepard-Commander Ramierez right in the chest, tearing his titan to shreds with its supreme magic and harmony and friendship. Thankfully he had two titans, so he was completely fine.

"Quick everyone, shoot her back!" Ordered Commander and Master Chief Stevenson. And so they did, all four of them aiming their guns at the princess titan. They opened fire, billions and millions and trillions and thousands of bullets shooting out and hitting the mech with ultimate precision.

"Noooo!" Shouted the princesses as they lit on fire and then exploded.

"Hahaha," laughed 5-star Omega Sergeant General Thompson, "They didn't stand a ghooost of a chance."

"Human guns beat magic guns every day of the week even Wednesday," explained Supreme Fleet Admiral Davis.

Suddenly, there was clapping heard nearby, and all the humans turned to see none other than Iron Will standing nearby. He smiled smugly as he explained everything. "Ha, we tricked you. We humanitaurs were invading the ponies homeland and killing them all, and you helped us do it. Now the princesses are dead and nothing can stop us. It was all a clever ruse!"

"What!?" All four humans shouted at once.

"He's flipped our flap jacks!" Screamed Supreme Fleet Admiral Davis

"We've been duped!" Cried Commander and Master Chief Stevenson.

"We've been bamboozled!" Shouted 5-star Omega Sergeant General Thompson.

"We've been taken for a ride!" Spouted Lord Shepard-Commander Ramierez from his mouth.

"No one tricks us and gets away with it!" Said Supreme Fleet Admiral Davis with utmost certainty. "We'll get revenge on you for this!"

Iron Will spread his arms in a clear 'come-at-me' gesture. "Well, water you waiting five? Come get your revenge, if you dare?"

Will our human protagonists get their revenge? Do they dare? Or will Iron Will defeat and claim all Questria for his own evil doing?

Find out next time!

An end, once and for all.

5-star Omega Sergeant General Thompson's face morphed into a cruel rendition of an upset thing. He wasn't even 60% happy at the moment, and that was bad. "Truly you jest, Iron Will. Truly what you say is an ill-thought fabrication formed by a wicked and sleep-deprived brain. For, if what you say is true, swift retribution will upon your head the likes of which you've never imagined. You'll be so dead, you'll make the ponies look like alive."

Iron Will laughed, a throaty chuckle that didn't sound right from someone with such a deep voice. "I mean what I said, and it's not me who will be dying."

"What do you mean? Of course you'll be dying," stated Commander and Master Chief Stevenson with utmost certainty. "We're going to kill you, and we won't take 'no' for an answer."

"Not I kill you first!" He called out, before jumping up.

"Quick, shoot him!" Ordered Lord Shepard-Commander Ramierez, his own titan aiming its gun at the jumping humanitaur and firing bullets out with speed. But they all missed as Iron Will suddenly transformed into a human too! He had a gun and everything.

"Ahahaha, I'm not really a humanitaur, that was a disguise. I'm also a human, much like you all."

The other humans instantly stopped shooting at him. "Wait, you've been a human too all along? Why didn't you say anything?" Burped Supreme Fleet Admiral Davis.

The human formerly-known as 'Iron Will' nervously fiddled with his fingers, refusing to make eye-contact. "I was scared you guys wouldn't like me. You're all so cool, and I'm just a dweeb and a brony."

None of them knew what kind of mentally-handicapped and morally-bankrupt person a brony was, so they were quick to ease his fears. "No, no. Of course not. I'm sure you're plenty cool." Cooed Lord Shepard-Commander Ramierez in as inviting a tone as he could rub from his vocal cords.

"Really?" Asked Iron William.

"Really, really," Lord Shepard-Commander Ramierez assured.

"Well, that was fun and I love making friends but I need somethin' ta' shoot," stated 5-star Omega Sergeant General Thompson, still moderately angry for some reason. Then he got an idea, a terrible and brilliant idea. An idea so swank, the others would surely back him up, thinking it was real neat. "You know, I've never shot the ground before."

The others all looked down at the dirt, getting the same idea in their heads from that little statement. "What would even happen?" Asked Supreme Fleet Admiral Davis.

"I have no idea," exclaimed Commander and Master Chief Stevenson. I don't think anyone had ever tried before.

"Then let's give it a try," said 5-star Omega Sergeant General Thompson. "For science."

"FOR SCIENCE!" They all shouted in unison, aiming their guns straight down (but not at their feet silly), and then they all pulled the trigger at once, their bullets puncturing the Earth with killing-force.

There were no survivors.

The End.