A False Alicorn's Guide To Getting By.

by Viking Hoof

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Romance, Comedy, Random
Length: 3876

Our main character's name isn't important, it's the joy and new name he, or rather now she, will find in Equestria. That, and her three moms are immortal.

Our main character's name isn't important, it's the joy and the new name he, or rather now she, will find in Equestria. That, and her three immortal moms.

After some complications that is.

(Warning: Vampires, non god Celestia and Luna, gender confusion, Harems.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-25 01:00:05 UTC

Ch1: remembering

I got out of my shower not feeling very refreshed. Today had been one of the roughest days of one of my toughest years, and showers just can't fix some downs. The towels didnt help either. I grabbed the Pajama bottom I had worn to the bathroom and slipped it on. I'd been... trying to sleep the past few hours, and had hoped the shower would help.

I returned to my room, and stepped around the mess to my bed. I just hadn't found the heart to clean things up, and my Vinyl Scratch and Rainbow Dash plushies just hadn't helped as much as I'd hoped they wou-

Where were my plushies? I'd left them on my bed after I stopped... okay fine I'd been crying myself to sleep, but now the two things that had managed to cheer me up at all were both gone!

I tossed aside my tear soaked pillow and blanket hoping perhaps I misremembered where exactly I'd left them, but they weren't there! I ransacked my room up and down trying to find them, but failing even that I felt a fresh wave of pain coming. Even inanimate objects couldn't stand me. When even plushies of Rainbow Dash and Vinyl Scratch, the two awesomest ponies, hated me... What chance did I have in the real world? I was stupid to think I could ever make a single real friend in real life.

I realized that I was being completely dramatic, but after the awful crap that had happened today I just couldn't handle this emotionally. I-I was so broken that...

What was that noise? It sounded like- I turned back to my closet as again the door rustled. I got up to investigate what the heck was going on, but as I approached a unintelligible shout rang from the closet. When I got close enough to open the door another, but different, unintelligible shout eminated from behind the door.

I don't know why, but I just didn't feel like freaking out. I knew what I was about to do was beyond stupid, but nonetheless my hand reached for the doorknob. Maybe it was the "movieesque" feeling that permeated the atmosphere, but I took the doorknob in hand, or maybe I knew I should be shouting for help, but the day's multitude of personal fuck ups just left me uncaring of the very probable danger I was putting myself in. I'd come home to find my window open, but I didn't find anything stolen and had been too bust crying a river to tell my parents. There could be anyone behind that door, but I was too apathetic to give a fuck.

I don't know why I did it, but the moment that door opened I didn't stand a chance. Before I could react a fantastical white unicorn with red eyes and a blue mane discharged a spell with a flash followed by a ear blasting BANG. The spell slammed into my painfully, throwing my whole body back and into a green void.

Unlike all those fanfics I read before, I knew exactly where I was when I woke up. Yes I did panic, but being thrown into a fictional land of fictional ponies by a extremely fictional unicorn does that to me. I sat up. My eyes were still blurry, but I could make out three blurry things that I guessed were ponies. This didn't immediately end my deep ragged and frightened breaths, but what I heard next certainly did.

"Dude, chill. We've got you." I felt a calm descend as the stunningly awesome voice come from a blue white and red blur that I knew on a instinctual level was the aforementioned, "extremely fictional unicorn." I wasn't sure who the other two blurs were, but one was a dark blue and the other a sooty gray.

"!" I tried to yell in surprise or joy, but my panic returned with a fury when no sound came out. I had a dark worrying idea, and it was confirmed when I crossed my eyes and saw a white snout. I had been turned into my mute OC Scribble! They transformed me into a pony while I was unconscious! This couldn't be punishment for writing mute OCs when I wasn't mute, could it? I always worked hard to make Scribble's story fair about muteness and not overblow it or cheapen it.

Then I recoiled back on myself as another realization struck. This is exactly what I thought I wanted, and here I was freaking the fuck out...

Yes, I had wanted this, but I never ever thought it would happen. I'd never wished for it thinking that it was ever going to be possible.

Sure now that I wasn't being hypocritical, I went back to freaking the fuck out. I also closed my eyes because them coming into focus had started to hurt.

"Vinyl, page the nurse. I think something is wrong!" Luna! The night princess herself was here. She-

"Done teach." Teach? Vinyl was Luna's student? This is...

"Luna, maybe we should check to see if some part of her body has a loose magic thread?" That was.. Octavia? Octavia?! If Vinyl was the student, and Luna was the teacher, what was Octavia doing here? I could see Vinyl and Luna being my welcoming party to Equestria, but why, aside from their completely unlikely to be show canon relationship, would she be here? Whatever the reason, my panic had passed and curiosity had filled me to the brim.

"Vinyl, tell the nurse never mind. Octavia, you were administering a double horn job to me and Vinyl at the time, and the chance of a mistake in our calculations is thus possible, but I think we can safely assume our daughter was just having a nightmare." Double horn job?! Luna's voice was calm prim and melodic as she casually mentions something so hot my mind is blown just a little. Octavia at least had the decency to embarrassedly stutter her sigh of relief.

"Princess... you know that I'm still-"

"Hmm, Octavia have you forgotten the time? It seems I'll have to remind you how you are to address me after the moon has risen. Maybe I'll let our daughter watch this session." My little mind got blown to the next planet as Luna's voice got seductively low. So Luna and Octavia... Holy fuck! Then realization hit me like a bag of bricks. Vinyl had called Luna teach, that could mean that Octavia AND Vinyl were sexy sexy subs to a night goddess. Okay Octavia and Vinyl were a bit much. Still, I had to bring my hooves up to my cheeks to hide the tease worthy blush I was getting.

Wait, Luna had said daughter twice now. The second time could have meant anypony, but the first time had definitely sounded like... I moved my hooves away and opened my eyes to a now well in focus room. As my first blurry sight had surmised, I shared the room with three ponies. As my ears had guessed they were in fact Luna, Vinyl Scratch, and Octavia. Unless Luna's daughter was practicing invisibility spells she could have only been referring to me. I got up and checked the foot of the bed to be sure, but there wasn't anypony there either.

So they had kidnapped, ponyfied, and adopted me, and Octavia was Luna's sexy sub While Vinyl was her student. This had to be a coma dream. This was beyond my limit for believable levels of insane weirdness. So I was in a coma laying in a hospital bed somewhere while my parents and grandparents wondered if I would ever wake up. I felt my tears wet up but just as I was about to let out my first tear Vinyl pointed to me.

"Hey teach, the sexy mi-" me and Vinyl both froze as Luna snapped her wings out and bore down Vinyl with her eyes.

"I'm disappointed my student. You of all ponies should remember our agreement. I shared your immortal blood with the mare you love, and in exchange you and her share my home, heart, and sheets for the next half millennium. However I wish, but nothing I have to force on you. So now, the both of you will address us as ordered, or we will invoke the third tenet of our pact so hard, thou and Octavia shalt not be able to trot for the next century!" Towards the end of her low but powerfully hot monologue Luna's accent and way of speaking had become archaic, but it only served to inflame the heat her words brought till it almost hurt. More importantly, Vinyl and Octavia were both doing a adorable little dance with their back legs as their tails twitched so fast I could hear the "swish" as they cut through the air. Sadly, all I could do was gape, stare, and forward off the bed in shock.

I closed my eyes fearing the impact. "DAUGHTER!" One and then two more shocked and frightened voices screamed. I braced myself for impact, but then two unique tingling sensations captured my body at the same time and I could feel my decent start to decelerate. Just about when I was going to open my eyes the tingling cut out and I fell back first onto a two soft but firm pillows. I opened my eyes and was startled to discover I had actually landed in Octavia's forelegs and hooves.

The concern and worry in Octavia's eyes as she held me conflicted violently with the confusion, fear, and arousal in my heart. Once again my cheeks got wet. I could feel myself on the tipping point between crying and sobbing in confusion, but before the real waterworks could start, Luna stopped me just by nuzzling my cheek.

"Do not cry my daughter. You are safe here." Safe?! I was safe before these ponies kidnapped me, but Luna gave be a confused look as I glared at her. Her horn glowed for a second, and I could feel my whole body go cold. Something in my forehead moved, and unbelievably hot pain exploded from it. "VINYL, GET THE DOCTORS IMME-"

Thankfully, cold unconscious washed over me, salving the incomprehensible pain in my head.

I awoke in Equestria for the second time. Immediately I took a deep ragged breath expecting to scream in pain, but I was stopped by an actual lack of pain. Was this what being in shock felt like? I'd always heard it was numbness, but perhaps shock could feel like wonderfully soft and warm sheets, or maybe it was just me laying in a bed as my eyes told me I was. I guess they healed me with magic.

How was unimportant. I needed to figure out what was going on. Looking back, the events before I fainted didn't add up neatly to "you have been kidnapped by hot S&M mares." In fact, looking back, it seemed that Luna, Vinyl, and Octavia knew me already, but that was impossible! Maybe the key to all of this was finding out what Luna meant by, "you are safe now."

'Step 1) Open my eyes and find out where the frack I am.'

My eyes flew open without a problem, and the world greeted it with a plastic grid frame holding up a cardboard ceiling. It was the sort seen in hospitals, schools, new libraries, and-

The door to my room 'clicked' open, ending my guessing game, and completing step one of my plan, by letting in a adorable pegasus nurse with a blonde mane, green coat, and little freckles. She smiled, and it helped lessen my tension a little.

"Hey honey, you feelin' okay?" The nurse's accent was just a few levels short of Applejack southern, and it added to her adorableness. Was I feelin okay? Aside from being confused as frack I was feeling fine, and I told her so with a nod. "That's wonderful sugarcube!" And she got twice as adorable when her accent reached Applejack levels. "Now, I'm about to let three very concerned and worried mares in'ta talk to ya. If, at any moment, you want all o'them to leave you just press that big red button next to your right hoof."

I looked and saw there was indeed a nice big red button sitting less than a centimeter from my right forehoof. "Now just go ahead and give it a press. Just so I can be sure ya don't have a crossed IV tube." I gave her a look to be sure she wasn't being condescending, but her face was as innocent as a cherub. I gave the button a press.

Immediately a pager strapped to her left forehoof lit up like a Christmas tree, and the nurse gave me a smile. "Ya don't actually have any IVs now that I look... but better safe th'n sorry. Now, let me go get those visitors o' yours."

The nurse left, and I had the room to myself for a few moments before, as expected, Luna, Vinyl, and Octavia trotted into my hospital room. They really did look concerned, for Vinyl was far from the only red eyed mare of the group. Each one looked disheveled in a new and unique way, but to my surprise it was Vinyl, the supposedly laid back pony, who looked the most worn and worried.

"Hey" Vinyl greeted nervously. She looked ready to say more, but I put out my hoof to stop her. I had some very important questions, and Vinyl would just have to wait.

But how to ask? Seeing if they could get rid of my muteness was a start. I pointed to my mouth, and I tried to grunt. Only one action of the two was successful. Guess which!

"Scribble, are you hungry?" Octavia asked with audible concern, but frustration welled up in me as she misunderstood something that had been so simple! I shook my head no, and pointed again.

"Daughter, perhaps you should lay back down?" No! Why couldn't I get them to understand? All I wanted to do was talk. Maybe I could try writing?

I ignored a plethora of objections and rolled to my hooves. I was mostly fine, but my neck was a bit sore, but I felt fine overall. I decided to stretch-

All I felt was pain. I'm not sure what happened next, but when I opened my eyes for the fourth time I was laying on my back with my hooves in the air. There was a frightened Luna laying facing me, and a crying Vinyl standing on my other side. Luna was running her horn over my body, and Vinyl was running her hoof along mine.

Vinyl gasped, and the distraught princess stopped casting her spell and began nuzzling me furiously. Vinyl joined in, and between the two of them I was more cuddled than I had ever been in my entire life.

With a sudden gasp, Luna pulled her head back as if realizing something huge, and Vinyl reflexively withdrew as if to see what was wrong. Vinyl looked about ready to ask something, but Luna put her hoof up and began furiously casting a spell. Moments later there was a tingling in my head, and then it disappeared along with a strange pressure I had never noticed before. Before Luna appeared a small piece of metal glowing faintly with her magic.

Grimly, Luna set that aside and turned to ask me a question I would never have predicted in a million years.

"Daughter, doth you remember being... shot by that man in your closet" shot?! But it had been Vinyl in my closet and she... hadnt... no!

The flashback ripped through me a knife. I had opened the door. There was a flash, nanoseconds later my ears burst as a bang erupted, followed by unimaginably worse pain exploding across my forehead. I falling back, as blood droplets flew through the air before my eyes. I remembered who I saw in the half second before the flash. It was a man, dirty, badly clothed. He had a wild look in his eye, and appeared to be twitching all over as if possessed.

He had gotten in through my window and hid in my closet. He had shot me in the head. Luna, Vinyl, and Octavia have saved me!

"Daughter, I'm sorry to inform you, but thou ist dead." Or maybe they didn't quite make it in time. "Er... Undead to be precise." Almost in time to save me then. "Daughter, do you even remember our past three weeks together?!" THREE WHAT?! "Ohh Faust no... Vinyl page Octavia, I know what's happened." What's happened. What did Luna mean when she asked if I remembered the past three weeks?

"Daughter!" I froze, not even realizing I was shaking. "Daughter please don't be scared. You are safe here. L-let me explain." Luna laid a hesitant hoof on mine. "Daughter, when we got to you you were dieing. I tried sharing Vinyl's blood to perhaps give you time to heal." It struck me then that Vinyl and Octavia were vampires... I admit it was a tad late. "But you were too cold, and it wouldn't take. I had to resort to turning you into a full fledged royal vampire, and even then it was just moments too late. We barely managed to get you to Equestria in time to save you. That was three weeks ago. The body you are in now is one I got from your memories. You asked to be mute, but I realize now that you don't remember that and that's what you meant when you pointed to your mouth."

Luna's horn glowed, and I felt something shift in my throat. I almost tested my voice, but Luna stopped me by nuzzling my neck. "There now. You've actually been here three weeks. Me, Vinyl, and Octavia got very close to you and..." A tear fell from Luna's eye and landed on my nose. "S-sorry. You got very close to us. We had all agreed that us three we're going to adopt you next week. Another tear fell, this time landing on my chest. Luna was crying.

"W-would you still consider being our daughter?" She really meant it. Had I really missed three weeks of my life? I had not even a scrap of memory indicating thus, but why would Luna lie to me? Another tear landed on my muzzle, and I realized my silence was hurting her.

I realized then, that they had shown nothing but love and concern for me. They had saved my life. I owed them everything, and they gave me more freely, but then I remembered that my body was twelve now. As a human I had been nearly eighteen.

"I know I look twelve, b-but I was almost an adult before all this." I paused, trying to think of the right words. "Mentally I still am. Before I decide anything, I have to know you all won't just treat me like a little kid."

ohh.

Luna wiped away tears with visible relief. "You silly silly pony! You don't look twelve at all! What made you think that?

"But... you said you got the image from my brain. The pony this is was supposed to be twelve." Luna leaned forward and tussled my mane.

"Yeah, but you've been here for three weeks remember? We changed your bodies physical age not too long after you recovered. You look like a very smart young lady of eighteen now." That explained Luna's... open behavior, but-

"If I was physically old enough to live on my own, then why would you adopt me?" Luna blinked.

"Well daughter, thou looks like an Alicorn about to enter adulthood, and their are is a world worth of ambitious young stallions... and mares, who would love to get their hooves on you. Also, Celestia and I needed a good cover story for where you came from. We decided on the old, "filly put in stasis to await the return of her mother" trick." Did she really do that often enough to put it in quotes?

"While you are small enough to possibly pass for sixteen, Celestia and I decided to put your official age at seventeen. That gives you a year to..." Luna paused, as if going through a mental list. "Learn how to fly, learn magic, and learn all the courtly things a princess needs to know. Ohh, and we also need to hire a courtier to teach you the skills to properly make and tend a harem." A WHAT?!

"A WHAT?!" Luna cuffed my ear.

"Quiet daughter, this is a place of healing. Yes, a harem. Celestia has her guards and well... she used to have Twilight. I have Vinyl, Octavia, and a few other vampires I knew I could trust. Cadence was never officially a Equestrian Princess because she was destined to rule the Krystal Empire. Twilight is working on hers. You are lucky, since the rule was implemented after my banishment, you will probably be allowed a year to collect a harem." A rather obvious question came to mind.

"What happens if I don't take a harem?" Luna paled... shit.

"Then the house of nobles will assign you some suitors who you must lay." She looked down at me visibly saddened. "I'm afraid that the rule was instituted while Celestia was still struggling after... I betrayed her. She hadn't been as present then, and the knowledge of how we reproduce had never been widely publicized. The nobles were sick of Celestia and thought this a way to force her to make a heir who they could control. Celestia had lost too much control to completely destroy the law, but her fury and anger was enough to end the gender requirements for the harem. She seduced many noble's wives and daughters, and she used it to take control back." Luna frowned.

"I was planning on getting her to rescind it for me, but then I met Vinyl and Octavia. I didn't have the support or the drive to end the law after that." I blinked as a even. More obvious question hit me.

"Is doing it for me not enough?" Luna looked sad again, and she turned away.

"I'm sorry, but I can't have any blemishes to your reveal. If we fought the bill now..."

"What? What could possibly happen?!" Luna glared at me.

"They'd kill you for being a vampire when they discovered your fangs. For your own safety, and the safety of all my precious children living in fear today. You must have the support of the nobles. If they discovered you after you did this... or if it looked like I did this for you... They'd use fear to make mobs, mobs the size of whole provinces! Me and Celestia couldn't stop that. We are long lived, not gods. Our rule is wise and just because we had to learn those to rule. That mob might kill you, it might kill hundreds of innocents in witch hunts." I gulped as the gravity of the situation hit me.

"Okay Luna."