All The Mares Dig The Macintosh
Mosquitos didn't go anywhere near Sweet Apple Acres. The secret as to why was only known to Granny Smith and the Princesses, maybe Discord. It was because the Apple clan knew mosquitojitsu.
In others words, the Apples knew how to clench their muscles to lock a mosquito during its bite, then slap them.
Knowing the danger such secret and intricate techniques provided for the Mosquitos, generations of the bugs warned their offspring to stay far away from the Apples and their farm. Never once from Ponyville's first years was a mosquito seen on the farm.
It didn't matter anyway. The art of mosquitojitsu was long lost to the Apples, who just thanked Celestia every day that they didn't have the bugs biting on them as they bucked the trees.
Big Mac was particularly grateful for this as he stirred from his afternoon nap, the sun setting across the western horizon outside his window. It meant that, instead of spending his waking moments scratching away like most ponies, he could simply relax and enjoy waking up from sleep, brushing away the risqué dreams that stallions like him always had.
But let's get real. We ARE talking about Big Mac here after all. He had little need for risqué dreams; his waking life was saturated with the stuff. He had a veritable line of mares waiting for his attention.
Calling these mares to mind, he stuck his head out the window. Said line of mares was about thirty strong today, standing neatly single file behind the barn, away from Apple Bloom's curious eyes. His eyes wandered over them, and was disappointed that the mare he searched for was not in line.
It made sense, though. She was much too classy for that.
Thus, Big Mac sighed and got ready to make excuses as to why he would not accept each desperate mare, some asking for one night of bliss, others asking for commitment. What had once been his tendency to accept almost all the lined up mares had been quashed when he started crushing on she-who-would-not-be-named. He had finally come to see that she-who-would-not-be-named had the greatest beauty, the greatest of wit, and even the most fashionable mane of all the ponies in Equestria, and suddenly the mares lined up behind his barn could no longer hold his attention.
As Big Mac approached the line, he could see Applejack heartily conversing with the first up, a grey Pegasus affectionately called Derpy Hooves by the Ponyvillians.
Big Mac didn't consider his sister...stupid. But she didn't exactly easily see through lies. Whereas most thought the country mare, being the Element of Honesty, would easily see through lies, she actually believed so strongly in honesty that she believed all ponies told her the truth. For the most part, they did. But the mares lined up around the back of the barn weren't exactly here to escape the mosquitoes.
Big Mac waved to her as she walked away. He chuckled. She would never be none the wiser.
Derpy grinned as Big Mac approached her. "H-hey, Big Mac! Do you wanna go get something to ea-"
Big Mac held up a hoof. "Eenope."
"But that's what you ALWAYS say!" Derpy whined, dropping her head. Big Mac shook his head, mares behind Derpy cooing at his flowing orange locks.
"Y'all know as well as I do that you prefer Mr. Whooves-"
"DOCTOR Whooves."
"See! There ya go. Mister Doctor Whooves likes ya too, I can tell. You're just too embarrassed to tell 'im, so ya come to me. Go on now, go to that stallion, Miz Hooves."
"I...I..." Derpy looked up finally smiling at Big Mac, one appreciative eye focused on his face, the other wandering off to...inappropriate places. Did she do that on purpose? "Ohh, you're right. I just can't let this go wrong. I'll do it, thanks Big Mac!" She flew away after bowing her head slightly in thanks.
No, that mare was too innocent. She had to have control of that eye. If she didn't, she certainly liked to look at stallions' places, even if her affections belonged to only one.
"Uh, Big Macintosh?" Big Mac snapped out of his reverie, focusing on the next mare in line, Carrot Top. She smiled as soon as she caught his eye. "Oh good, Big Mac, I have something to tell you." She giggled seductively.
Big Mac rolled his eyes. "Carrot Top. No matter how many times you tell me that my coat and your coat and mane make up the hottest colors, I will not buy it."
"Actually, I have something else to say-"
"And no, just because we both plant crops doesn't mean we'd make the perfect pair."
"But Big Maaaaac!" Her whine was disconcertingly close to Derpy's, except far too loud and obnoxious to be appreciated for its cute factor. "We were MEANT to be!"
Big Mac stared Carrot Top down expectantly. Thinking that he was staring in a different way, she started sashaying her hips and walked closer. With barely a movement, his hoof pressed against her barrel and pushed her away.
"Carrot, y'all know that somepony else likes ya!"
"What? Who?!" Her green eyes stared into his with shock, causing Big Mac to recoil. After he realized he wasn't about to be on the receiving end of Carrot's infamous inexplicable rage, he took a deep breath.
"Who visits your booth in the market everyday?"
"...Uh, probably Caramel."
"Who spends the most at your booth?"
"Caramel, definitely."
"And who, after buying half your stock, moves across the way, sits on his haunches, and stares at you for five hours straight?"
"Caramel!"
Big Mac nodded. "Yes, so....?"
Carrot Top stared back at him, narrowing her eyes in confusion. "So....?"
Big Mac smacked a hoof to his forehead, which he immediately regretted. He was far too strong for his own good. "Consarnit, Carrot! Caramel's in love with ya!"
"What?!" Carrot reared back. "You're joking!"
"I ain't."
"Ohh, thank Celestia! Finally, somepony who will listen to my corny pickup lines and like them! I'm coooooming, Carameeeeeel!" And thus she dashed off at the speed of light.
Big Mac chuckled to himself. 'Better surrender now, Caramel, or prepare to fight.'
Next up was a mare who immediately took Big Mac's breath away. And not in the good way. She came to the line every day, undeterred, unrelenting, and up to no good. She made Big Mac's knees shake as he thought of the mental trauma she would put him through.
She slowly walked forward, putting one hoof in front of the other.
She came closer, then stopped right in front of him.
"O-oh, hello, Big Mac," Fluttershy stammered in a whisper.
"Fluttershy...."
Fluttershy was Big Mac's Big Mare Problem, aside from the mare of his dreams being too fashionable, too elegant, and too all around wonderful to even consider dating him. Not only did she come off as innocent, and would certainly tell Applejack about the truth of this arrangement of mares should he reject her, but she knew every way to put him on edge.
"I was...wondering if you wanted to go on a picnic tomorrow afternoon?"
No. No! She went in for the kill! A PICNIC?! Big Mac tried not to pass out from fear. He had tried a picnic with her once before. The blanket was soft, designed to pull his wits out from under him to trip him into her trap, and dozens of bears and wolves attended, all ready to attack at the slightest command, pretending innocence as they held teacups and daffodil sandwiches in a claw or paw. No, he was NOT doing that again.
But that meant he had to reject her.
"Big...Big Mac?" Fluttershy asked meekly, hiding the rage Big Mac knew she harbored at him for ignoring her momentarily. He had to placate her. And fast.
"M-Miz Fluttershy, that's a nice invitation. And I-I'd love to attend one of your generous banquets, but..." His mind stalled, and Big Mac began to sweat.
"....but you can't make it," Fluttershy finished quietly. "I understand. I'll...see you around!"
"Nooooo!" Big Mac launched his body forward and grabbed her hoof, forbidding her leave to plan her revenge for rejection. "I-I mean. Sure! I'll come! Pinkie Promise!" He swept his muscular hoof across his chest, mimed flying in a must un masculine manner, and shoved his hoof into his eye.
He needed to stop hitting himself with his own hoof.
"Oh, my! If you say so, Big Mac! Alright then, it's a date!" She gently pried himself from his hoof, a grip he had not tightened too much so as not to incur her wrath, and fluttered away on the breeze.
Big Mac shuddered. Tomorrow was going to be pony hell.
But that was when Aloe and Lotus launched themselves beside him, declaring they had no issues with bigomy. Big Mac sighed, and immersed himself in dealing with his suitors to let the thought of lunch with Fluttershy be drowned in the back of his mind.
************
"Bon Bon, why are ya even here? Yer DATING Lyra."
"Yes, Colgate, you like my lips. And I know when you say you wanna examine them, you aren't asking me for a dental appointment. Now git."
"Cheerilee, don't listen to three fillies. They know nothing about love. Just because we were dating for a day and almost got married doesn't mean I like you."
"Berry Punch, go home. Yer drunk."
Some time later, Big Mac flopped on his bed, exhausted, and not the kind of exhausted you get after suggestively fun times. No, this was hell. As time wore on, he became more certain that this was his lot in life. The mare that he adored would never so much as stop as to look at a farmer like him: her eyes were likely set on only the more elegant and royal of stallions. His job was to secretly pine over her from afar while she sat at the top of society. Never mind the fact that his self-pitiful laments for her were as melodramatic as the mare herself.
At the very least, he managed to turn most of the mares to another stallion, whether they could have a real relationship or not, and some to a mare. He even turned a mare he knew very well to another mare he knew very well.
He silently asked Applejack for her forgiveness.
....
....or on second thought, maybe she'd be thanking him.
Banishing the thought of his sister from his head, his mind instead brought up the image of the truly magnificent mare he adored. Her shining horn and shimmering mane filled his thoughts until he slept.
Big Mac trotted through the Sky. Literally, he trotted right through it, nonexistent ground beneath his hooves. The sun shone brightly. It was all perfectly romantic, and in the warm bright sunlight, he thought of his desired lover. And then she emerged from a cloud in front of him.
Big Mac ran forward and embraced Princess Luna, who hugged him with force as the romantic shining clouds turned to be embraced by moonlight's glow. It was even more romantic, here in her domain, than in Celestia's. Their mouths met, slow and steady, smooth and understanding. When they broke for breath, Big Mac smiled up at her, and they sat on a cloud, watching the night sky shine with a thousand shooting stars.
From there Big Mac's dreams turned risqué yet again, in details even he could not fully comprehend. All he knew was that Luna, even in this state, where he was not fully self aware, was soft and cuddly and just wonderful. As soon as they finished, Big Mac felt his consciousness fading further. He reached out for his lover, but in an imaginary wind, she was swept away and merged with the night sky.
The bulky red stallion woke up in a sweat, breathing as reality came back to him. He sighed and flopped back to stare up at the ceiling.
"Just another dream....not really...Luna..." he muttered groggily. He then turned over and buried his face in his pillow, once again falling into dreamland, not seeing the blue cloud of stars escape from his head and out the open window.
Princess Luna materialized on the ground, still warm from the ethereal experience. She looked up at the window and shook her head.
"If only you would treat me that way out here, or else I wouldn't have to escape to your dreams for it," she said sadly. Her ears turned down, and she spread her wings, flying into the dark of night.
Somewhere below, Rarity burst into Applejack's room, seductive determination set upon her face.
Author's Note
I am just sorta blanching as I read through this. This was sorta an experiment with writing style.
Tried to write a comedy? Check. Did it work? Nope.
Tried to write something mature? Check. Did it work? Nope.
Please, don't bother leaving constructive criticism, this was just stupidity solidified. The down vote button is up top, to your right, have a nice day.
