The room was pitch black, but only without the exception of the glow of the computer screen coming from the corner, the rectangular light covered by a silhouette of a swarthy, acne-ridden, morbidly obese man with wispy facial hair and a striped fedora. The sauce from his second quarter pound Carl’s Jr. Jalapeño burger, which was being held by the left hand, fell gracefully, drip by drip, on the neckbeard’s Evangelion xxx-large t-shirt and the tiny pair of pink boxer shorts that could barely hold firm against the immense folds of his thighs and buttocks.
The neckbeard was on 4chan’s /pol/. More specifically, a thread on Roman Catholicism. He spent many an hour every day debating on the Internet, preaching atheism to any who would listen, very often accusing religious people of “shoving religion down everyone’s throats”. This time was no different. After he had baited the religious people by posting an image of Jesus being sodomized by Roman legionaries, he braved the vast hordes of meme-spewing retards who flung images of fedoras and similar-looking neckbeards, skillfully blocking them as if they were Persian arrows at the beginning skirmishes of the Battle of Thermopylae, then striking the fools down with rehashed arguments from “The God Delusion” with lightning speed and precision. The neckbeard was adept at typing with only his right hand, as his left was frequently occupied either with holding fast food to his mouth, or with stroking the proud and mighty three and a half inch cock while he switched on and off of tabs featuring drawn futa girls being raped with tentacles made of slime or gelatin.
Suddenly, the neckbeard caught sight of a quite peculiar word. “Airohpue.” It was posted by an anon who bore the tripcode “!!CHRIST7d3r”. With his beady little brown eyes, he squinted at the word. Slowly, with his whiny high-pitched voice, he voiced the word out. At syllable “pue”, he began to feel dizzy. He could no longer read the highly intelligent and well-thought-out posts that he had created as his world spinned around him. He then fainted. His world became darkness.
“Are you alright?” said a sweet, regal-sounding voice in a Trans-Atlantic accent. The neckbeard opened his eyes, but could barely make out what he was seeing in the blurs of white, purple, and cyan.
“Come on, let’s just leave it,” said another voice, “it’s just a fat, hairless monkey, and it smells like garbage!”
“Now, Rainbow Dash! Just because this… ugh… thing… is repulsive to us doesn’t mean its life should be cast aside!”
Rainbow Dash. He recognized that name. Before the neckbeard could even see or think clearly, his blubbery face clenched together, his face flushed with anger.
“Fucking bronies!” he shouted as he flailed about his flabby arms, “When I get my hands on you degenerates, I’ll fucking kill you like the kike-worshiping shills that you are! Mark my words!”
The two ponies chuckled.
“Dearie, what’s a brony?” asked the more regal pony.
“Rainbow Dash!? That’s a pony! You horsefucking degenerates just shit your shitty fandom all over the place, don’t you!? Now get over here so I can KILL YOU!”
“How the hay does it know my name?” inquired the blue pony.
“Perhaps he’s just not thinking clearly,” the white one pointed out. With that, she nudged the neckbeard’s pot belly, watching in petulant awe and wonder as it jiggled about. She nudged the fat harder and harder until before she knew it, she was playing with it like a six year old on bubble wrap. “Waa ha hah! This is fun!” exclaimed regal pony.
The neckbeard rubbed his eyes to see who was bothering him like this. Being out in sunlight as he was, his eyes naturally burned, but he was eventually able to see the two ponies in front of him. The one playing with his fat rolls was a white unicorn with a curly purple mane, and to his left, a cyan Pegasus with a rainbow mane.
“Cut that out!” shouted the neckbeard, his voice cracking mid-sentence.
“Oh, sorry, darling, but it was simply too much!”
“Yeah, sorry about her,” said the Pegasus, “she sometimes gets a little… eccentric.”
“Quite,” said the unicorn, “so without further ado, let us introduce ourselves. I am Rarity, and my friend here is Rainbow Dash. What is your name, dearie?”
“Aalewis,” bellowed the neckbeard.
“Well, Aalewis, if you’re going to stick around here, then you’ll have to do something about that tone of yours. It’s beginning to be a bit of a handful!”
“Yeah!” said Rainbow Dash, “so far, I think you’re a real jerk on top of smelling like rotten apples!”
“Rainbow Dash!” snapped Rarity.
“Sorry.”
“Now, first thing’s first. Rainbow is right, darling – you do smell rather rank, and if I do say so myself, your attire is dreadful.”
“You’re talking shit about my shirt? My waifu is in Evangelion! How would you like it if-“
“Uup!” Rarity interrupted, “temper, temper, temper!”
“Sorry,” Aalewis grumbled.
“Now, let’s get you cleaned up. You have to be in better shape before we introduce you to our friends!”
Aalewis blushed and looked away as he got up, thinking for a second that Rarity was talking about his weight.
Aalewis got out of the shower in Carousel Boutique. He was butt naked (save his fedora) seeing as he couldn’t get any of the towels to wrap around his waist. His thighs rubbed together and jiggled liberally as he walked all the way to Rarity’s workshop, where she told him to meet her. Rarity snickered when Aalewis entered the room.
“W-what is it?” asked the fedora-wearing jackass.
“Oh, sorry, dearie. It’s just that your… nether regions… are quite impotent, if you know what I mean.”
“S-shut up!” the neckbeard screamed as he stomped on the floor and was immediately reminded that he had a concave penis.
Rarity levitated a huge pink toga to him. He immediately grabbed it and put it on.
“Sorry I couldn’t get you anything with more class. I just couldn’t find any fabrics that were your size, so I just made do with this tent from last year’s camping trip.”
“Let’s just go…”
Aalewis was labored in his breathing by the time Rarity and he got to Golden Oaks Library.
“Oh, do hush up!” said Rarity, “We’re here.”
She knocked on the door. After a little bit of waiting, the door was answered by a purple alicorn with stripes in her hair.
“Hello, Rarity. Is this your new friend?”
“Indeed it is! Aalewis, this is Twilight Sparkle. Twilight, this is Aalewis.”
“Nice to meet you!” exclaimed the alicorn as she extended her hoof to greet him.
“Sure,” the neckbeard angrily grumbled as he shook the hoof.
“Come in, Aalewis. I want you to meet out other friends.”
The three walked into the library. The fat tub of lard looked around, scanning the merchandise. He grew sick in the pit of his enormous stomach when he saw that there was no manga or video game guides. Right in front of him, he saw pink, yellow, and orange ponies.
“Aalewis, let me introduce you to our friends. This is Pinkie Pie…”
“Wow! A real life breathing talking monkey! Do you like cupcakes? You sure look like you do! I just can’t wait to throw you a party!”
“Applejack…”
“Pleased to meet ya, pardner,” said Applejack as she tipped her cowgirl hat in a similar fashion to when he tips his fedora.
“Fluttershy...”
“Oh… um… hi.”
“And of course, you’ve already met Rainbow Dash.”
“Pleased to meet ya! I know what you’re thinking. I’m awesome, right? Yeah, I know.”
“Pleasure’s all mine,” grumbled the neckbeard.
“What was that?” asked Pinkie, “Coooooooooooooooouldn’t quite hear ya!”
“Never mind!” snapped Aalewis. “Just curious. Do you ponies worship any… gods, spirits, or idols of any kind?”
“Well,” replied Twilight, “We do have our two goddess-princesses, Celestia and Luna. For millennia, they have ruled over our kingdom since time immemorial, and each princess moves the sun and the moon, respectively, around the planet upon which our kingdom of Equestria resides.”
The neckbeard laughed heartily at this. “You mean to tell me that you don’t just worship an invisible flying bearded man in the sky, but you actually believe that you have god-queens that move the celestial bodies and rule your country!?” The pizza-faced moron continued to laugh as the ponies all looked at him with concern.”
“Uh… partner,” said Applejack, “they actually exist. They ain’t invisible or in the sky. We can take you to Canterlot to meet them.”
“Hah! Yeah, right. Like I’m ever going on some wild goose chase for some imaginary god-queen. What, she lives in the mountains, right? Everyone worships her?”
“Well, yeah. She really does live in the mountains.”
“Well, I’m not going to waste my time with that. I’m hungry. Got any food?”
“Tell you what,” said Twilight, “you can eat as soon as you’ve met the princesses. Is that fair?”
Aalewis growled. “Fine.”
“Alright, then. Let me send a letter to Princess Celestia so she can meet you. Luna doesn’t really do public appearances too often, so you’ll have to go to sleep to meet her.”
“What the fuck, you stupid purple bitch! It’s the middle of the day! How am I supposed to-“
A bolt of purple lightning from Twilight’s horn struck Aalewis’ head, causing him to collapse and snore like a fat bear.
“… you’re right, it is small!” said a particularly regal-sounding voice. Aalewis opened his eyes to see his toga being lifted up by an aurora of magic. After he stopped snoring, the aurora quickly vanished, allowing the toga to cover his shame once again. He then got up. His vision cleared, and what he saw in front of him was a large, white alicorn with golden adornments and a flowing, sparkling mane. Next to her were two unicorn guards in golden armor and a dark blue alicorn who also had a flowing, sparkling mane. Aalewis was in awe.
“Ah, you’re awake, I see. So I hear someone’s been questioning my existence?”
The neckbeard remained speechless, his beady little eyes widening, his mouth slightly agape.
“So, it is I, Princess Celestia. I serve the Kingdom of Equestria as sole ruler. I am very happy to meet you. You are Aalewis, correct?”
The stupefied fatass mumbled something unintelligible.
“Could you repeat that?” asked Celestia.
“You… you’re beautiful!” He dropped down to his knees and touched Celestia’s face.
“Oh… well, I’m flattered.”
“You’re just so beautiful. I want to spend the rest of my life looking upon your magnificence. Please, let me be your king! I’d make such a good ruler! I have an IQ of 150 and I’m a Dwarf Fortress expert!”
Celestia chuckled. “That’s unnecessary, but thanks.”
The rotund retard became flustered with anger. “Well, I’ll just have to copulate with you by force until you like me!” he shouted.
“Excuse me!?”
Aalewis rolled his toga up above his waist and ran up to Celestia’s side in an attempt at getting to the back. Upon lifting up her tail, however, one of the guards gored him in the chest from just below the ribcage, causing the obese imbecile to fall down. As he lay dying, bleeding out on the floor, crying out in pain, all the ponies watched, doing nothing to save him. They just watched him squirm for a few minutes until he finally took his last breath. A moment of silence for Aalewis.
“Good riddance!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. Everyone else nodded.
