“To great cider, and better friends!” Applejack yelled. There was a noticeable slur to her speech, and she swayed precariously from her position atop the table. However the five mares she was addressing were far too inebriated to worry about something as paltry as neck-break-prevention measures. Each cheered at the farm-pony’s words, while Pinkie decided to take it a step further. She climbed up onto the table and sloppily draped a hoof around AJ’s neck.
“Yeah! And if… if those, erm… Meanies! Yeah that’s rich. If those meanies Flim and Flim… no hold on. Flim and Flem ever come back I’ll… I dunno, I’ll do something man,” any semblance of verbal integrity was forgotten as Pinkie’s sentiment devolved into a series of giggles and ‘Woah’s.
Fluttershy began to snicker and pointed a shaky hoof at Pinkie.
“I’m drunk. No wait… you’re drunk Pinkie,”
“Hey! I’m not… oh who am I kidding?” Pinkie admitted, and she, Fluttershy and Applejack once again descended into a chorus of intoxicated laughter.
Twilight wobbled over to them and began to tell a joke that Rainbow didn’t hear. If the delighted response was any indication it was indeed funny, but the pegasus was far too concentrated on the task of filling up her cider cup without spilling it, or knocking the barrel over, or falling over herself. Her brow furrowed and she managed to complete her task without causing any major damage to herself or the surrounding area. That seemed like a first, but, then again, Rainbow was an unpredictable drunk.
With the challenge completed, to the victor her spoils. A cup of refreshing, chilled cider. She took a long sip and looked around. Pinkie and Applejack were dancing together on the table while a rosy-faced Fluttershy clapped. Twilight looked the most affected while she obliviously blathered on, subjecting a non-existent audience to a barely coherent story about royal protocol when meeting gryphons or snake-people or something.
Rainbow squinted and tried to decipher what was wrong with that scene. The alcohol made her usually-sharp senses syrupy and muddled. But eventually, in a more than respectable 130 seconds of sustained staring, it came to her that one friend was absent. After another totally understandable 3 minutes worth of 'okay I've had quite a bit to drink so fucking lay off the criticism' infused wheeling around, Rainbow located said friend, who was sitting on a nearby table by herself.
Rarity was staring at the sky, and her hoof was tracing the rim of an empty cider mug. Her eyes were stretched open, and the sky's reflection speckled them with stars. Was it Rarity’s expression that made Rainbow get her a drink? That mix of intense concentration and wonder that suggested Rarity was in the tedious philosophical stage of drunkenness. Or was it the subtle but unmistakable twinge of melancholy Dash believed could only be cured by alcohol. Was it the constant circling of Rarity’s hoof around that empty mug? An unconscious flag to an unknown observer for a top-off of refreshment? That was just as likely.
Dash decided she would indeed bring her friend a drink, and thus began her greatest challenge. How does a drunken horse with wings fill up a cider mug while simultaneously holding onto her own cider mug without spilling any cider from either?
The answer? With great difficulty.
Rainbow placed her own mug on the ground, before seizing it in both hooves and placing it atop the secure location of her own shaking head. She then grabbed a fresh mug in her mouth and placed it under the nozzle. She then flailed around impotently with both hooves in an attempt to grab the handle on the keg. After a few moment’s spasms, her task was complete. Why in Christ's name she didn't just put the other bloody mug on the ground instead of statistically the least secure platform in the observable universe wasn't clear, but it was over now so best not to dwell on it.
Two mugs now full with frothy, delicious cider, she made her way over to the stargazing unicorn. There was a strange serenity to Rarity. This was mostly due to the extreme juxtaposition in the energy of the two scenes Rainbow was observing. One was classic drunken anarchy, a gaggle of intoxicated mares with flaming cheeks, slurring their words, mixing irregular hoof-claps and table-top dancing with an accidental control that suggested a false sobriety.
The other was graceful calm. Rainbow’s beer-jacket prevented her from directly feeling the breeze, but she could observe it dance with Rarity’s curls. Neither of her ears twitched, regardless of the fracas not fifteen metres away. She didn’t seem to blink either, both sapphire irises scoured the sprawling black above them for something unknown. She didn’t speak, and this wasn’t verbally confined. Rarity’s posture, her body language and the intense stare of her unblinking eyes said nothing. In this time she could have been thinking anything. There were no boundaries and no clues. Only this untarnished moment of absolute balance. And all the while, an immaculate, manicured hoof traced that never-ending circle around the edge of her mug. The control was absolute, the mug didn’t fall, it didn’t even wobble. It was the yin to her hoof’s yang as it countered her every movement perfectly. Equilbrium.
The pegasus didn’t know what compelled her to stop and stare, or at least that was what she told herself. She knew exactly why she didn’t dare interfere with the scene at this moment, it was like running into swan-filled shallows. But also, it was the feeling Rainbow got whenever she saw Rarity at her prettiest, or indeed any pretty mare. The unicorn in question would no doubt have a more romantic term, but put in more understandable words, Rainbow had a little crush.
She’d had one for a while. Something playful and harmless, yet she was still afraid to entertain it. Rainbow didn’t like the unobtainable. She liked challenge with the ultimate probability for reciprocation, she didn’t know she definitely had that with Rarity. So she allowed her crush to be pure, blushing infatuation. Infatuation from one side, not definitely knowingly, but safely assuming. But being drunk made everything harder, and Rarity did look beautiful tonight.
Rainbow had always been an unpredictable drunk.
The moon came out from behind a cloud, and Rarity was made aglow. Her eyes literally sparkled, pinpricks of light rendered into entire galaxies in her eyes and Rainbow felt like the most sober mare in the world. Her breath caught again, and Rarity’s ear finally flicked. She stopped tracing the mug’s curvature and the stargazing ceased. The onset of the moment of serenity had been quick, and its end came quicker.
The unicorn turned to Rainbow and the porcelain struggled, but didn’t crack. Her cheeks flushed, she gave a slightly lopsided smile and giggled girlishly. But there was no descend into sputtering laughter or sloppy attempts at over-long hugs. Abandon without loss-of-control.
“Did you get me a drink darling?” Rarity asked playfully. While the alcohol did loosen her up, the fashionista always retained at least some of her would-be-nobility mannerisms, her sophisticated accent, her grace. No matter how much liquid she tried to dilute herself in, saturation point came suddenly. Rainbow was glad Rarity was such a predictable drunk.
She didn’t reply with any words, rather she let her cocky smile take over. The pegasus sat next to Rarity and slid her drink over. The unicorn looked at it for a second before grabbing it in both hooves and taking an uncharacteristically large gulp.
“So… what you thinking about?” Rainbow asked. Rarity, still clutching her drink for dear life, looked at her friend over the brim with lidded eyes. She removed her lips from the mug and set it noticeably slowly.
“Me darling?” Rarity said before hiccuping, “Oh nothing, just the usual,”
“The usual?” Rainbow raised an eyebrow, a gesture that would have doubtlessly looked more intelligent had she not been incredibly drunk.
“Love,” Rarity replied wistfully. A very predictable drunk.
“Got your eyes on another stallion?”
“Oh yeah,” Rarity laughed with more than a measure of bitterness.
Rainbow went to protest, but bit her tongue. She knew there was something on Rarity’s mind. The drinking, the paradoxical composure, her little stargazing display earlier, everything pointed to her having a problem. But if it was something she wanted to discuss, she would have already done so.
"Some little prince in some little castle tending to his very little aristocratic duties with a massive, gilded cart in the driveway to distract attention from the abundant truth of how very, very little he really is," Rainbow listened, nodded, comprehended and snorted. In fact she lost a fair amount of composure and began to laugh quite uproariously and Rarity wasn't far behind her. This went on for a minute or so before they calmed very slightly and looked at one another, the unicorn seemed pretty chuffed with just how much she'd managed to make Rainbow laugh.
The laughing died down to just an ember, but the staring had now fully kindled. Eyes remained locked with eyes and Rarity resumed tracing the rim of her mug. She cocked her head slightly, allowing it to rest on her shoulder while the eye contact remained.
"So, you were telling me about that stallion," Rainbow began, and something akin to amusement, but noticeably distinct, flashed across Rarity's face.
"Why darling, are you looking for some suitor to come along and take me off your hooves for the night?"
"Hahaha no not at all," Rainbow snorted, and hoped it hadn't come across as desperate as it felt, "No I just know how you... well, how boy crazy you can be honestly," Rarity snorted in response, one of the classic ways she let her edges become slightly less refined when she drank. Rarity was a predictable drunk after all.
“Well I can hardly object to that label after some of the stunts I've pulled," she began before faltering slightly. Rarity seemed to mull over her next few words mentally, then she shrugged with a dainty sigh and continued, "Honestly, I'm good at lying to others but tend to lay it on a bit thick if it's to myself. I do believe I was floating down that old Egyptian River on that all that stallion business dearie.” Rainbow furrowed her brow as she tried to decipher what exactly her friend had just said. Rarity gave her a few moments, but ultimately realised the penny wasn’t going to drop.
“De-Nile,” she said with a small laugh. Rainbow nodded as if she understood. Then a few seconds went by, and she understood. Her mouth fell open in an overdone, ham-fisted gesture of shock.
“No. Way.” The unicorn laughed that musical, tinkling laugh of hers once again.
“Afraid so,” Rarity seized her drink again, and took an impressive swig.
"Are you honestly saying-"
"Provided we haven't gotten our wires catastrophically crossed, I am absolutely saying."
“How long?”
“Do you mean how long have I known, or how long have I accepted it?” Rainbow considered the question and felt a little more sober. Rarity was lifting the mug in her hoof, rather than using her magic. Added to this, all pretence of elegant restraint had disappeared, she had abandoned her trademark measured sips in favour of gulping the cider down like a champ. It would have been the perfect picture of Rarity’s own predictable signs of inebriation, but still, there was something else. There was a slight necessity to her drinking. The action had more driving it than chasing a light tipsy daze.
The pegasus might have had a few, but she wasn’t stupid. Rarity’s stargazing, her composure not fitting in with the way she guzzled the cider and her tone of voice answered the second question for her. Not very long.
“I’m okay Rainbow,” Dash was snapped from her musing, “Seriously, I am… you never asked me how long I’ve known,” Rainbow took a deep breath.
“How long have you known?” she expected a very different reaction to the one she got. In place of a sigh, she got a musical little giggle, the slightly humourless nature of which wasn't wasted on Rainbow.
“Oh, I’ve always known, at least in some way. I mean it was very nice to pretend to be at all interested in that vile cretin Blueblood, but I did end up eyeing that pretty little cello player all night.” Rainbow smiled, relief washed over her and broke on confusion.
“You’re okay about it?”
“Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?” The unicorn replied, very nearly snappily.
“This… being a mare who’s into mares, this isn’t what’s bothering you?” Rarity smiled,
“I said I was thinking, I never said anything was bothering me. I admit, coming to terms with it shook me slightly, but that was... a while ago,” She took another sip of cider, “It’s who I am. It doesn’t bother me in the least anymore... it doesn't." Rainbow elected not to comment, and the two slipped into silent drinking for a few minutes more.
"Did it ever bother you, Rainbow?" Rainbow was surprised, but not enough to really let it show. She had never told Rarity personally that she was gay, but then again she didn't really attempt to hide it anymore.
"I think it bothers us all at some point in our lives, unless you're very, very lucky," Rarity looked at her for a second and nodded, "How did you know by the way?"
"Well it took some detective work to be sure, but it was mostly the eight times you've drunkenly come out to me on nights out," Rarity giggled, and Rainbow rolled her eyes.
"God I really need to stop doing that. Let me tell you it led to some very bizarre situations in flight school," the two laughed good naturedly, and it was Rarity who broke the next silence.
"Did you think I was going to react badly?" Rainbow could detect clear apprehension,
"I really honestly didn't, never have."
"So why didn't you tell me when you weren't blackout drunk?"
"Why didn't you tell me about you until you were drunk tonight?" Rarity went to respond, but the words seemed to stick in her throat, "It's okay Rarity, I'm not mad or anything. Telling someone this is hard, and just because you know someone's going to be absolutely fine with it, doesn't mean you know, you know?" Rarity looked at her hooves and smiled, a light blush dusted her cheeks.
"You see a lot more than you let on, don't you Dash?" Rainbow felt her heart swell at the praise, there was something on her hoof but she didn't want to break the look her and the unicorn were now sharing. Everything seemed to stop, she was aware of the debauchery happening so close by but it sounded like everything was underwater. Rarity was closer than she had first realised, and her eyelashes reminded Rainbow of butterfly wings.
"Rainbow," She purred, "Can I tell you a secret?" Dash took another gulp of her drink and found that her mouth remained very slightly drier than usual.
"Uhuh... sure you can." Rarity's gaze never faltered, but it looked as if she was currently debating saying about a million different things, she seemed strained for a very brief second, until she didn't anymore.
"I fucking hate cider," she giggled, and Rainbow spat her most recent mouthful of said drink out, "It's trying to be sweet but it's not really, so it just ends up sharp, but not good sharp. If I want sweet, I'll get a Pina Colada, if I want sharp I'll get a dry white wine." Rarity, despite everything she was saying took an impressive mouthful from her mug and swilled it around her mouth for a second before swallowing.
"If I want something that I can drink by the pint, then I'll get a nice beer or an ale. Some would have you believe that drinking beer isn't 'ladylike', but allow me to let you in on a little secret dearie, they're morons. Vapid, pointless, morons. Anything can be ladylike as long as you act like a lady while doing it, okay? Do I seem like someone who can't be ladylike while sampling a fine ale or rich lager, just because it's something people usually associate with stallions?" Rainbow couldn't help but feel like this was about something other than cider, but she was plastered so she just dumbly shook her head. Rarity grinned almost manically at the response, her tracing the mug's rim hypnotising the pegasus further.
"Exactly. I love Applejack," she continued, shooting an affectionate glance over the farmer who was now cleaning up in an impromptu arm-wrestling tournament, "I love Sweet Apple Acres and the whole Apple family, and honestly this is the best cider I've ever had, it tastes great. But as a drink, as a concept, I fucking hate cider," Rarity cocked her head once again, before downing the entire mug and Rainbow had absolutely nothing to say.
"Now, if you're okay with being a touch less loyal for a while, I anticipated this little soiree was going to escalated to something much more, shall we say 'raucous', and a lady always comes prepared. If you go find my saddlebag, there are a few bottles of some delicious Weihenstephan ale in there, and I've been looking for someone in particular to share them with. Besides I'm sure Applejack would be grateful to have two fewer drains on her cider reserves."
Rainbow let the words wash over her, and felt her eyes settle on the very slight lipstick mark on the rim of Rarity's now drained mug, for a second she was slightly concerned it may stain against the unicorn's hoof as it continued its perpetual tracing. However no such event happened, and Rarity's hoof remained immaculate.
“How about I go and get those drinks?” she offered.
“That would be divine dearie,” Rarity grinned.
The trip to the barrel, where all her friend's bags were piled up was less happy-go-lucky than her previous one. The talk and change of pace from trying to shotgun pints like it was going out of fashion had curbed her daze. With her new better composure, it didn't take her long to root out Rarity's bag. The first pouch she searched was pretty much entirely just cosmetics, but the second one had six bottles of the ale that Rainbow wasn't even going to try to pronounce.
She took another look at Rarity, who had lapsed back into that contemplative serenity. She had just told Rainbow she was into mares. A fact that she supposedly wasn’t struggling with, but Rainbow was doubting that a little. She looked around for a bottle opener, she could have sworn there she had seen one earlier.
Wait. There was something. Something drunkenly put aside as over-friendliness, something that burned now. Rarity had placed a hoof on Rainbow’s throughout that entire conversation, it stuck out now. Rarity had just confessed she was into mares. She had placed her hoof on Rainbow’s for over five minutes during an intimate conversation and had been thinking about love. And it had been so sudden, no trace of creeping motion or subtlety.
Rainbow turned back, she was breathing more heavily than she had been during her last stargaze. Her chest rose and fell as the unicorn fixed her eyes on the ground. A more pessimistic pegasus might say she looked a little panicked. Rainbow frustratedly turned and scoured the ground until she located the bottle opener, whereupon she deposited it in Rarity's saddle bag and was about to bring the whole collection over before she just stopped. Surely this wasn't Rarity... flirting, was it? Surely not.
And yet.
It would be so predictable so someone like Rainbow to admire unpredictability. Because it's something intrinsic to every adventure. People don't just go out in the morning aiming to have their lives changed. It always happens when you couldn't possibly predict it, which as it should be really because otherwise, where would all the fun be? Forced, regimented and predictable fun wasn't really something that Rainbow was all that fond of, she liked danger, the pushing of limits and new experiences. Anyone could predict that Rainbow would be head over heels for the sheer unpredictability of a drunk so predictable as Rarity suddenly becoming as unpredictable as she had tonight.
But Rainbow, after all, was an unpredictable drunk, and she felt out of her depth.
She looked around for nothing at all, and only after a couple of seconds did she realise she was doing it to give herself some time before heading back. The old adage of 'be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it' certainly sounded to wishers like some pseudo-intellectual nonsense come up with by some dusty old academic, but it was a lot more crystalline to the receivers. Rarity was beautiful and really fun to be around, so it was hardly surprising that Rainbow had a crush on her. Hell, pretty much everyone who liked mares in Ponyville did.
That being said, the sudden change of pace from heart to heart to devious and flirty was so unpredictable, and unpredictably Rainbow wasn't sure whether she was excited or uneasy. She stopped pretending to do pretty much nothing and turned around, and Rarity was gone. Only two mugs pressed together remained on the table. Rainbow wheeled around to see if she had made her way over to their other friends, but it was still only a foursome who had now taken to lazing around around a campfire sloppily complementing each other in the 'overdone affection' stage of drunkenness.
Rainbow span in place until a strike of alabaster against the darkness made a streak against her vision. Rarity had migrated a few metres further away, and was sat beyond a fence looking up at the sky again. Rainbow didn't know what she was looking for up there, and didn't know whether she wanted Rarity to find it. Ever the optimist, Rainbow assumed that Rarity still wanted her to come over with the beers, and so she did just that.
After audibly clambering over the fence she saw Rarity's ear prick, but her gaze stayed locked on the sky. Dash approached almost cautiously and sat down next to her.
"I thought you'd gone and abandoned me there dearie," Rarity's very slight slur calmed Rainbow down a little, then after a moment's thought it calmed her down more. They were both pretty drunk, and for someone who had drunkenly offloaded on people as much as she, Rainbow suddenly thought it quite ridiculous to overthink it when Rarity happened to do it for the first time ever. Pushing any residual unease to the back of her mind, Rainbow's trademark grin returned to her face.
"Me, abandon a beautiful lady on a dark night? I'm shocked you'd even imply that Rarity," she laughed and handed the unicorn one of the fancy ales. Rarity studied her while taking a long, pronounced sip. Rainbow stared back slightly dumbly until she realised she was probably being silently encouraged to do the same. Clamping her hoof around the bottle, she knocked back a few glugs.
It was... interesting. She had never tried a wheat beer before but she couldn't ever imagine them tasting any differently to how this one did right now. It was also strong, quite noticeably strong in fact. There was an almost spirit-like aftertaste but in a way that blended effortlessly with the characteristic aleness. The bottle disconnected from her lips with a slight 'pop'.
"So, how does it compare to Applejack's finest?"
"Hmm... it's really different to any other beer I've had before. But I still think I'm a cider girl deep down" she replied with mock apology.
"Oh my heart," Rarity giggled theatrically, before laying her hoof over Rainbow's again, "Don't worry though, give me time and I'm sure I'll be able to turn you."
...Okay then, wow. Even someone as certifiably as blunt, as so often oblivious as Rainbow could here the blatant pass in that particular reply. It was so unpredictably ungraceful too. She took another sip of the ale, buying her some precious seconds of thinking time to come up with a reply of equal wit, playful blatancy and marginally veiled sultriness. Rarity was looking at her with an expression of lid-eyed allure, the slightly forced nature of which Rainbow chalked up to inexperience in chatting up the fairer sex.
"It was very chivalrous to ensure I wasn't left along tonight Rainbow, you were saying something about pretty mares?" The unicorn started, with Rainbow thanking every god she could think of that she now had something a little easier to respond to.
"Oh your remembered that did you? I thought it wasn't ladylike to acknowledge a complement?" She teased,
"What did I tell you earlier darling, anything can be ladylike, as long as one remains ladylike when doing it," she was close now, and her breathy tone tickled Dash's ear lightly. Bloody hell, Rainbow was definitely a fan in cutting to the chase but this was a little much even for her. It seemed very much that this was indeed, about to happen and Dash didn't give herself nearly enough time to truly consider how she felt about it, instead she just focused on the task ahead. The next part would be hard for anyone else, but it was Rainbow's speciality, and that was playing it cool.
But Rainbow was an unpredictable drunk.
"Well, as I was saying, I can't leave a pretty lady alone on a night like this... speedster's code." Rainbow replied without even really thinking. Except Rarity was staring at her blankly, and was no longer inches away from the pegasus' face. Hold on... did she just say she had a fucking 'speedster's code'?
The answer came in the form of Rarity slipping into peals of laughter. Rainbow's face immediately burned crimson, and she impotently tried to say something that would reignite the former passion, but ended up babbling incoherently which just made Rarity laugh more. Maybe it was how drunk she was, or maybe it was that in these seconds of laughter Rarity seemed so much more natural than she had done all night, or maybe it was down to how her heart skipped a beat seeing the unicorn's hair bounce and cheeks rouge as she realised she'd never seen Rarity more beautiful in her life than in this moment (which was saying quite a lot), but Rainbow resisted the temptation to try and save face and just joined in.
They sat there, illuminated by the moon and the occasional spark that shot off Rarity's horn while she absolutely lost control of herself. Rainbow wasn't far behind her and the two fell into a heap, completely creasing in drunken laughter. Rarity affectionately wrapped her hooves around the pegasus in a way that didn't really feel that romantic anymore, but it was okay. Rainbow laughed all the way along, even when she let her cheek settle into the soft fur on Rarity's chest.
The unicorn tried to say something, but her laughing made it impossible which just made her and Rainbow laugh even more. Dash had always quite liked the good natured one-upsmanship of flirting, and thought it was her favourite part of the dance. But she was an unpredictable drunk, and found more joy in this simple genuine moment than all the theatrics that had lead up to it. The two managed to compose themselves after a while, and Rainbow looked up at Rarity.
"Promise me right now you'll never tell anyone that I said that," Rarity looked back inscrutably, there was still more than a trace of the last few minutes joy, but there was something else. Dash hoped it was just a trick of the light, because if not it looked like Rarity was starting to look very nervous.
"Darling, have you enjoyed tonight? With me?"
"Hahaha yeah of course I have, I never usually get to try out my stupidest chat-up lines," she giggled, trying to reinforce to Rarity that what was happening was just harmless fun without really understanding why she was doing it, "Why, have you?"
"Yes of course, it's all been... perfect really." Why did she seem almost despondent about that? "I suppose that means I... I suppose I should..."
The nervousness on the unicorn's face got more pronounced until it took precedence over any joy, what the hell was happening? Rainbow tried to think of something that would make this okay but she truly had no idea what was causing Rarity to feel like this. One minute they'd been laughing, then this sudden tension. Thoughts flew through her head and all the while Rarity stared at her with that look of unease.
Then it happened.
Thinking stopped very quickly as Rarity pulled Rainbow close and pressed a hungry kiss to her lips. The shock was replaced quite quickly with a single-minded desire to just experience the moment, so Rainbow reciprocated. Their bodies fit as complementary shapes and Rarity didn't seem to care while Dash ran her hooves through her mane, messing it up completely. The pegasus was enjoying it until she felt Rarity's tongue very forcefully enter her mouth, then she was enjoying it more.
She started enjoying it even more still when Rarity rolled her onto her back pinned her hooves with her own. She wasn't normally one for being submissive but Rainbow was an unpredictable drunk, and the reality was pretty wonderful in this moment. She felt like putty in the unicorn's hooves, and fell in love with the feeling.
It was also very, very unpredictable for Rarity. In fact one might say it went against everything she knew about Rarity. Granted, she had never been in a situation like this with her, but...there was something else. She had talked about being wooed and courted for years and here she was doing all the work in a damp field. How the hell had she forgotten the unicorn's expression seconds before all this started? Her drunken brain finally got over the feeling of snogging a beautiful mare and Dash realised this felt very weird. She opened her eyes for the first time since the kiss began and looked at Rarity, whose eyes were also shut. But they were tightly shut, in fact they were scrunched shut.
She pulled her head back slightly, disconnecting their two mouths and looking into Rarity's eyes which snapped open. The look in them was questioning, almost desperate, and Rainbow answered it the only way she could think of.
"Rarity, is this... are you alright?" She was really hoping to see those eyes to turn angry, baffled or even amused again. Anything that she would consider a relatively normal reaction to interrupting a supposedly amazing kiss. Instead she got a mixture of hurt and confusion that made her tummy feel weird. Bad weird.
"What?! Of course I'm alright, why are... is it..." there was nothing Rarity could think to respond with, so she leant in again even more desperately. There was no demure pretence to this, the unicorn grabbed both sides of Rainbow's head and once again kissed her. Rainbows chest rose with a sudden intake of shocked breath and she felt it rub against Rarity's, in fact every sense of her's was taken over by Rarity. Her taste and scent and sight and touch all overwhelmed and it was good.
But it wasn't right. In fact it was one of the least passionate kisses Rainbow had ever experienced and if she could tell then Rarity would definitely be able to.
She was loyalty incarnate, she'd never betray a friend no matter what. Not for anything, not in the smallest way, it was her one and only true constant. Right now she couldn't be sure what was happening exactly, but she knew how it felt. It would have been so 'Rainbow', so utterly unpredictable to say fuck it, and enjoy this for even a few seconds more. It was just a kiss, no one was going to get hurt and... my god, if only for a few more seconds to be unpredictable. She'd come to a lot of realisations about herself that night, but this one right here might have been the only one she could consider truly devastating.
When all was said and done, Rainbow was a pretty predictable drunk. She gently pushed Rarity away.
"Rarity, I don't know about this," she muttered, getting a more pronounced version of that hurt look from before that made her feel like the worst pony in the entire world, because it looked like Rarity was upset with herself. The expression wasn't of someone slighted, it was of someone who thought they were terrible at everything and it made Dash sick.
"What do you mean, is this not good... am I doing something wrong?" she replied, with a slight crack in her voice.
"No! You've not done anything wrong it's just... I mean, do you even like this, do you even like me like that?"
"What kind of a question is that?" The response was immediate and aghast, "I love you,"
"I know you do Rarity, and I love you too... but you said it before, you love Applejack too. I'd be willing to bet you love everyone sat around that bonfire, and I do too. It doesn't mean I'm going to go over and starting getting with one of them. You don't love me like that, hell you shouldn't love me like that it's only been a night!"
"No, it's not... I know that but... well you're beautiful as well and..." the babbling didn't need to go on for very long before Rainbow thanked every god she knew again that she'd stopped when she had. She manoeuvred herself from beneath Rarity, then gently pulled the unicorn in close. Not for the sake of any flirting or passion, and for that it felt the first thing Rainbow had done right for a long while. The two of them just sat there for a minute or so while Rarity shook and wept gently into her chest.
"Rarity, before when I asked whether you liked me, I wasn't trying to put you on the spot or catch you out, I mean, you're beautiful, probably the smartest mare I know and one of my best friends in the world, and I'd be lying if I said I haven't been checking you out since day one," finally Rarity laughed a little. It was small, and still sounded somewhat teary but after all this it was the best sound Dash had ever heard. "But even with all that I don't know whether I like you as more than a friend, and I'm sure you don't know either."
She gently pulled away from Rainbow and sat for a second, but started to softly cry again. All the signs from the night, every tiny hint crystallised instantly and Dash realised her estimation from before had only been off. Rarity might have always known about herself, but acceptance seemed a long way off.
"It's always going to be like this now isn't it? It just feels like I'm doing something awful every time," Rarity managed to say, her crying turning into full sobs, "I know what I want but I hate it, and I don't know how to do any of this. It's not fair, I wish it would all just go away."
Dash felt weird for not hugging the unicorn, if she'd ever have planned for a friend being so torn up a hug would have definitely been part of her plan. But in the actual moment it felt like doing so would be so ineffectual as to be almost insulting. This was so utterly beyond Twilight being worried about a test or Fluttershy losing one of her animals and Dash just felt utterly out of her depth.
So instead she tried to remember all the nights she'd felt the same. Back in school, crying into a pillow because she just couldn't stop liking mares. She had wanted more than anything to just reach into her head and fix whatever was wrong with her brain because everyone else got to be normal so why not her? If someone else had been there, someone who'd been through this and come out the other side just to talk to her then maybe she would have started being happy about herself much quicker.
She couldn't do much right now, but she could at least try and do that for Rarity.
"You know, one of the most embarrassing things in my entire life happened when I was in school. It was during a sexual education class, and the teacher was having the awful job of trying to explain to a bunch of giggling children where babies come from. I was sat there, scribbling notes until something occurred to me, so I put my hoof up and asked whether two stallions... or two mares could make babies. The class absolutely lost it, I'd never been interested in stallions so I'd never looked anything up like the other kids had. I realised how much more they knew than me and how stupid my question must have been. And the teacher looked at me and I could tell she felt bad, I could tell she wanted to go into the question more and potentially reassure a clearl confused kid, but it wasn't on the syllabus. No-one wants to be the first broach the topic of being gay to kids and potentially end up with some screeching puritan parent kicking their door down, so we moved on."
She scooched closer to Rarity and carried on, feeling some confidence in being able to speak with some experience on a topic for once.
"So when you realise, it's messed up. All you want to do is like stallions like everyone else and your mind just won't, it's like not being able to move you arm. It feels like it should be so easy but your body just won't do it. But I was kind of doomed either way because after I'd come to terms with it, in flight school, the other kids used to ask me why I made being gay such a massive part of my personality." She noticed the unicorn's ear flicking.
"I never thought I did honestly, I just never tried to hide it anymore because I'd gotten so sick of trying. I'd hear so many of the colts going on about which of the fillies they liked, and whose hips this and who was the best fuck that, but the second I said anything about even thinking someone was pretty, even when I never went into the level of over-compensating detail that they did, I was making a big deal. You know what I think? I think we grow up overhearing ponies talking in hushed voices about how much we creep them out. It's drilled into you, however subtly, that what you are is weird from day one. How the hell are you meant to deal with being like that?"
"So some of us try to reject it outright, and some steer into the skid. I tried my best, but once you come to terms with it you have to work out how to be a completely new person. I can't tell you the amount of meaningless one-night stands I had. And then I'd feel awful that I didn't enjoy it and worried that I couldn't even like mares right, and I couldn't talk to people because once again, you don't want people to criticise you for being 'over the top'. Being gay itself isn't what makes us feel weird and different Rarity, it's all this that does." She said, gesturing to everything around them with her hooves.
"That was years ago Rainbow, it was worse back then. What right do I have to be moping around like this?" Rarity tried to hold the damn, but it didn't last long before her body was wracked with sobs again, "And even knowing all that, I can't make it stop!"
"Rarity you don't owe anyone your feelings but yourself. So many ponies talk about how there's nothing to be afraid of now. 'Just come out the closet, everyone reasonable will be fine with it'. But then you're thinking, 'what if my family and friends aren't reasonable, and what if I'm constantly scared of talking about someone I like or someone I'm seeing because I might get asked to stop shoving it down their throats'? What you did tonight took guts you know, regardless of when and where or to who you say it, it always takes so much fucking guts. It's not a sign of weakness or selfishness, in fact it's the most understandable thing in the entire world, if you're not doing so good right now."
"Yeah and what about after all that? I don't even know what romantic interest is Rainbow," Rarity snapped, half demanding and half crying, "I've spent my entire adult life lying to myself and everyone else. I utterly despised everything about Blueblood before even meeting him, from his pompous voice to his ghastly appearance and the fact that he wasn't... well I still managed to convince myself I could love him!" Her indignant tone calmed slightly as she wiped streaked mascara from her face, "I'm too good at tricking myself now. All I've ever had are confusing feelings about other mares, like a child. I don't even I think I'd know to work out if I fancied someone or was totally in love with them. I don't know if there's any coming back from that now. You said it yourself, I'm 'boy-crazy Rarity'."
Dash felt a stab of guilt for her earlier flippant remarks, and tried to push the recurring thoughts of how many times she must have inadvertently knocked Rarity's confidence over the last few years.
"You're wrong about being too far down any kind of rabbit hole you know, and you're wrong about lying to anyone. You just weren't ready to tell the truth yet. I'm nothing like Twilight, I can't do poetry and subtext and all that egghead stuff, but even I can tell those two things are quite different."
"I don't have a clue what I'm doing Rainbow," the unicorn muttered to the floor. Silence took over while Dash tried to work out what to do next. Unfortunately she knew all to well that there was no light switch moment when someone became okay with themselves and excited about the future. All you could do was try your best to nudge them in the right direction, so that's what Rainbow decided to do.
"Do you remember what it felt like to kiss Blueblood, or any stallion? I bet it felt quite a bit like kissing me just then didn't it? I I bet you've never had a good kiss in your life, because you've always been forcing it. Like it or not Rarity but I think there was one thing about your whole 'princess waiting for a prince' routine that wasn't made up. You've always wanted someone to treat you like a princess, because you are one, and princesses don't force their kisses" Rarity kept on looking at the floor.
"How did you feel for the middle of tonight? Before all the forced intimacy and after all the serious talking? When it was just me and you having some fun... with some light flirting thrown in," she gently knocked her hoof against Rarity's shoulder playfully, drawing small smile that was like an oasis in the Sahara for Rainbow, "And please be completely honest, you're not going to offend me. This isn't about me,"
"... it was nice, I suppose. It felt natural" Rarity admitted, "I'm sorry for kissing you darling, it's not fair of me to push this on you and-"
"Don't apologise to me Rarity, you don't have anything to apologise for. It's not like I exactly fought you off. But it's good that you felt natural though. We still don't know how we feel about each other and that's fine, but I think tonight has shown there's at least potential, and that's all I need for this," she shuffled round so she was sat facing Rarity, "If you're uncomfortable at any second, just let me know okay and it'll stop right away, okay?" she whispered and Rarity looked up at her.
"Princesses don't force kisses Rarity. So, if you want, I can try and give you your first kiss, your first proper one. Not because I want anything to happen... I just want you to see that you can kiss a mare and have it be nothing more than a nice kiss. Something you don't have to feel awful about." She felt awkward but she needed the unicorn to know this wasn't her making a pass. The entire thing felt kind of desperate, but honestly she was desperate to make Rarity feel less bad. So after she finished her piece, she just sat there waiting for Rarity's response. It was a few minutes before the unicorn almost imperceptibly nodded.
"You've not been lying to anyone, you've not done anything wrong and I can promise you you've not ruined yourself at all. All it takes is some time," she brushed strands of Rarity's now totally messed-up mane from her face, "And you really are beautiful."
She went in gently, pressing her lips against the unicorn's and cupping her cheek with a hoof. It didn't last very long and it wasn't passionate. But it was loving, the kind that comes from care and concern, it was kind. When Rainbow felt Rarity's breath tickle her snout she opened her eyes, and to her relief she didn't see eyes looking back at her. Nor did she see Rarity scrunching up her eyelids. Her brow was furrowed with lingering worry but it was night and day compared to before. To look at her now, it was almost as if she could have been dreaming. Rainbow pulled away, there was no lingering contact nor did either try to lean into the other's retreat, it didn't need to last any longer than it did. The two looked at each other for a moment, there was no desire to lunge in again on Rainbow's part. All there was was relief that Rarity's crying was subsiding.
"If anyone could see that, and still think there's something wrong with us, then they're the one with the problem Rarity," Dash whispered, "Are you okay?"
"I'm not really sure," Rarity replied, her voice wobbling a little, "I think that was the first time I wasn't just waiting for a kiss to be over before it began. I've always thought there had to be fireworks, bu there weren't. It was nice,"
"That's fine, you know? I'm not as smart as you Rarity but even I didn't think some tiny kiss in a field would fix all this. Everything in the past is gonna stay there, you can enjoy a kiss, just like everyone deserves." She rubbed the unicorn's back reassuringly, "And hey if you can appreciate a kiss from someone you're not even sure about in a wet field, think about what it'll be like with Mrs. Right." Rarity teared up again, but it wasn't like the despaired sobs of before. This time it was more just like the release of pent up emotion, whatever small catharsis Rarity had gained here was worth it.
"I don't think I'm quite ready for all that dear," the tone of voice betraying the lie she was still telling herself.
"That's okay too, just give it some time." Rainbow replied earnestly. She waited for Rarity to respond, not wanting to lead the conversation too much. The unicorn took a swig of her near-forgotten drink. The wall was almost gone, at least for tonight, but some liquid persuasion was still needed to Rarity to move over its apex. She realised how naturally she started to try and think of some poetry to dress up her next question for Dash, and that reminded her she still wasn't doing too well. But she was doing better, so she tried being brave.
"How will I know when I've found her Rainbow?" she asked, feeling displayed for all the world to see and hating it. The breeze caught up with her and Rarity realised she was cold. In fact, she'd been cold all night, and only now had she started shivering.
"Honestly I'm not sure, it could take time or it could be instant. Lord knows I'm still looking for mine but... as cliche as it sounds, I think we all just sort of 'know', when we do." Rarity wiped the last of her tears away, and smiled at Rainbow, and the two of them hugged for a short while, illuminated by the moon.
Eventually the noises of their friends penetrated their self-made exile for the first time since coming over here. Wordlessly, Rainbow helped a still shaky Rarity to her hooves and two made their way back over, leaving two unfinished bottles of expensive, unpronounceable beer behind them.
