The Dull Life of Maud Pie

by Whateverdudezb

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Maud Pie, Sex, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 6978

Based off of Monty Python's "The Dull Life of a City Stockbroker."

It's really not all that interesting.

Based off of the Monty Python sketch: "The Dull Life of a City Stockbroker."

Spoilers!
This story contains only some of the following:
rocks,
dangerous life or death situations,
diamond dog pirates,
real life cameos of the surviving members of the Monty Python group,
naughty bits,
a detailed description of a stallion's naughty bits,
the naughty bits of the House of Commons,
everyday situations found in life,
rampant overuse of Monty Python's Flying Circus jokes,
a severe under-usage of Monty Python and the Holy Grail jokes,
cosmic entities,
misuse of the story tags listed above,
over-sexualized mares,
trains,
allusions to Princess Luna's past flings,
a detailed summary of current global politics (2024),
humans,
anthropomorphized ponies,
a mare in the process of giving birth,
references to a web series that no one watched,
the origin story of a prolific author that worked in the horror genre,
wrongful usage of the sex tag to attract as many horny readers as possible when there is no suitable passage in the story for them to wank off to,
family therapy,
blatant disregard of realism,
spam,
the destruction of the fourth wall,
the inner complexities of the mind,
the unneeded inclusion of kaiju,
and most dastardly of all:
original material.

Published 2014-04-06 05:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-06 05:30:02 UTC

The Dull Life

Maud Pie sipped her soup politely at the family table. The old Pie household still creaked and groaned from the old wood that it was made from, as it always had, since as far back as she could remember from her fillyhood.

"The soup is good, mother," Maud said in a polite, neutral tone to the older mare sitting at the opposite side of the table.

"So I have been told before," replied her mother, just as neutrally. She was spending her time scribbling down her signature on the various bills that were piled around on her side of the table. Grabbing a sealed letter with her hoof, she slid it toward her daughter, "By the way, this came in the mail addressed to you."

Taking a whole two minutes to finish her soup, Maud examined the letter, taking note of her written down name, before meticulously opening the sealed letter. Unfolding the piece of paper stored in the letter, Maud began to read its contents.

The scratching sound of her mother's quill as she worked on her bills was the only sound that filled the dining room.

She paused in her writing to squint at a specific bill to see if certain details were correct.

The scratching sound then returned.

"...It's a letter," Maud stated.

"Yes it is," her mother said evenly, "Does it say anything important?"

Maud took a second look at the letter, "It says that I've been requested by the Geological Society of Equestria to examine a certain rock that was recently discovered in a dig site north of the Crystal Empire's capital."

The scratching sound was no longer present, "I suppose you'll be leaving then."

"Seems like it," Maud replied, excusing herself from the table to head toward her room where she kept a pack that contained readily available materials for calls like this. Returning from her room, she was only mildly surprised in the least way possible to find her mother hugging her tenderly.

A hug which she returned.

"Don't be too long, alright?" her mother said with a barely noticeable smile on her features.

With a just as barely noticeable smile, Maud simply nodded, before heading toward the front door.

Her daughter leaving, the older mare returned to the dining room to finish her bills. But before she could do this, she heard a loud hissing sound. Examining the room, she found the source of the sound.

There, curled up on the dining room table, was a large, twelve-foot long python.

Snakes were always a problem when working on a rock farm as they liked to make nests under the various rocks and would bite at the hooves of any pony that went near it. They usually stayed outside for the most part, but sometimes a snake would wonder into their home.

Its black, beady eyes finally took notice of the mare. It raised its head to bare its fangs at her. Venomous saliva slowly slid down the curvature of the snake's teeth, ready to be used at a moments notice.

Narrowing her eyes at the snake, the matriarch of the Pie family reached behind her and gabbed a large kitchen knife that she gripped between her teeth. The silvery surface of the knife held the reflection of the snake, it's head slightly cocked back, ready to lunge.

As she closed the front door behind her, Maud Pie didn't notice the spray of blood that splashed against the window near her. The red liquid slowly dripping down the window sill as a bloody stain clinged to the glass.

Instead, Maud Pie trotted over to her father, who was currently in the field, examining a small, perfectly smooth rock about the size of his hoof. Scrutinizing the rock that was just inches away from his muzzle, the mutton chops wearing parent hardly noticed his daughter approach him until she spoke.

"I'm going to the Crystal Empire to look at a rock," Maud said, her face expressionless. She was excited, her father could tell.

Bringing his head up, he addressed his daughter, "Then you'll be goin' to town then? To take the train?"

She nodded once.

"Well alrigh' then, but the train won't arrive for awhile, so you should take the time to get somethin' to entertain yourself. It's quite a long way to the Crystal Empire."

"I'll buy something at the convenience store," replied Maud. She then said goodbye to her father and walked away toward the road.

"Goodbye then," tipping his straw hat, he waved at her retreating form, "be good and be safe and-AHA!" he yelled out as he twisted around and slammed a hoof down on the small rock that was trying to scuttle away, "I knew there was something off about this rock!"

Taking a closer look at the mobile rock under his hoof, he noticed that it had two large pincer claws and six spindly little legs on its sides. All of which squirmed franticly as if it was trying to escape the clutches of his hoof desperately.

It kind of looked like a crab.

"What in Equestria..." he muttered curiously, before his attention was diverted to across the rock farm, over by a large hill. Loud rumbling noises were coming over from behind it.

His eyes widened at what he saw.

A massive, wooden galleon was slowly sailing into view from over that hill. Its large, black sails blowing in the howling wind. The dark brown wood that made up the ship bearing burnt scars of past glorious battles. As the large ship reached the top, he saw that under the ship was an enormous quantity of the little rock crabs, just like the one under his hoof, and they were all squirming and scuttling in that massive pile, allowing the ship above them to slowly and steadily move across the land.

At the helm of this impossible ship were diamond dogs. They were all attired in business suits and quite a few of them carried briefcases along side them.

One of the diamond dogs, who was dressed in the most professional business suit, the captain most likely, called out to him, "AVAST, YE FARM PONY! 'TIS TIME FOR YOUR PITIFUL FARM TO BE FORCLOSED AND YOUR ASSETS TO BE CLAIMED BY THE BANK!"

"YOU AIN'T GETTIN' A SINGLE SPECK OF MY PROPERTY, YOU ECONOMIC LEECHES!" he taunted back angrily before turning back to his house, "HONEY!"

"Yes, darling?!" his wife called back from the doorway, absolutely drenched from mane to hoof in red, snake blood.

"GET THE CANNONS OUT FROM THE BASEMENT! THOSE DARNED DIAMOND DOG PIRATES WORKING FOR THE BANK ARE BACK AGAIN!"

She looked slightly distraught at that, "Ah shoot! And I just finished doing the bills too," she said as walked back into the house, bloody hoofprints following behind her on their floor.

Looking back, he gazed at the large ship as it slowly descended down the hill towards their house. Its long, gaunt shadow enveloping them all like an oncoming storm.

Narrowing his eyes, he whispered, "This... is only the beginning."

Walking through the town of Buckingrocksville, Maud soon found herself in front of a small convenience store. A nice little establishment located deep in the urbanized belly of the town, that also held host to quite an above-average quantity of mare customers for some unknown reason.

Entering the store through the front entrance, Maud proceeded to traverse between the aisles of bagged food, cheap home appliances, and other such miscellaneous items that are hardly worth noting. Maud grabbed a few specific items from a specific shelf, but alas, these items were not bagged food or cheap home appliance, but were, in fact, miscellaneous items, so they will not be described in any way, because they are miscellaneous items, and miscellaneous items are not worth noting, as stated above in this very paragraph.

Maud took these nondescriptive items to the counter where the large pegasus stallion, the store's clerk, was currently stretched out on it in a yoga position known as the supine leg stretch, which is a position where one lies on their side and stretches one of their back legs as high above them as possible.

The stallion's finely toned muscles were obvious under his peach colored coat, thanks in-part to his yoga technique that helpfully displayed them to any unprepared customer that traveled through those doors. His blonde mane draped over his face in a long, wavy, yet also rough fashion that obscured his eyes in a style like that of a stereotypical surfer, which would explain the surfboard that was his cutie mark. And of course there were his balls. Yes, his testicles hanged out in the open as he stretched his back legs in this specific yoga position that was no doubt spiritual in some way. This large pair of stallion virility, almost over-flowingly filled with enough adventurous little invaders to give Celestia herself pause, was itself overshadowed diminishingly by the flaccid cock that dangled above like a greatsword that hangs from its hilt when not in use.

The stallion that has caused many faithful wives to question their marriage looked up at his customer.

"Was up, Maud?" the stallion asked in a very relaxed fashion.

Maud set down the things she wanted to buy on the counter before answering, "The roof is, Rising Tide."

"Woah!" Rising Tide said in astonishment, his eyes completely bugging out, "It like, totally is! I never thought of that. You're a smart mare, Maud."

"Thank you."

"So, like, what're ya buyin?"

"Today's newspaper, and a notebook," answered Maud, describing the things that were just a few moments ago described as things that were not worth describing. Through this action, Maud has just now established herself as a rebellious character.

"Cool," replied Rising Tide, "that'll be like, seventeen bits."

Reaching into her pack to grab the money, Maud put down a twenty bit coin on the counter.

"Alright, thanks. Uh, you can grab your exact change from the spare change tray."

Briefly scanning the surface of the counter before her, she noticed the tray just on her right. Maud reached forward to collect three bits from the tray when suddenly something large poked her in the nose.

"Oops! Sorry about that, this thing has a mind of its own, y'know?"

Rearing her head back slightly to see what had poked her, Maud saw that it was Rising Tide's phallus, now erect at a length longer than the diameter of her own head. The enormous organ bobbed up and down in repercussion to hitting Maud's face. With her snout this close to it, she could very easily smell Rising Tide's scent. His musk wafting around her in a way that would put any mare in a blissful daze.

"It's alright," she said tonelessly as she maneuvered herself around to reach the spare change tray.

Maud put the newspaper, the notebook, and the three bits into her pack before thanking Rising Tide for his service and exiting the store. With Rising Tide watching her go.

"Sigh," he sighed. There goes the most beautiful mare he had ever seen. She was so smart, so much smarter than he would ever be. And the way she reacted to the world around her in such a calm manner! Rising Tide had never met a mare so in tuned to her inner Zen.

"One day, Maud Pie, you will be my waifu," he swore quietly as he gazed longingly at her figure from the window.

The train station was currently empty of any trains. Now, this may seem rather unbecoming of a train station, but rest assured that this was perfectly normal. Many train stations actually only have a train within them for a miniscule amount of time, as a train only stays within the station for short periods of time to drop off its contents and to pick up any of the station's contents, before moving off again to do the same with other train stations. This process is not too unsimilar to that of a drunkard corralling between bars, so long as the term: 'contents' is loosely defined.

As Maud Pie and the crowd of ponies behind her awaited on the station's platform for their drunkard to arrive and spill out its contents of passengers and materials, before they too could be slurped up into its passenger car belly, Maud stretched out her neck over the rail and looked down both ways to find no sight of the train. Not perturbed by this in the slightest, Maud laid down on the cool concrete floor, pulled out the newspaper from her pack, and started to read it to past the time.

Unbeknownst to her and the rest of the ponies, this train station was held by a great unimaginable thing. An entity that no pony has ever seen in their life.

Nor will the unicorn in the back of the crowd ever have a chance of seeing it.

Bulbous, thin tentacles made of some kind of gelatinous substance slowly swiveled along the floor until it reached the stallion's shadow. The inky, blue tentacles swiftly sprung up and ensnared the stallion around the legs, the torso, and the muzzle. Whereupon the stallion was reeled back into sights unseen before he could even blink in surprise. No scream or cry was followed. He was just there one instant, and gone the next.

Maud's right ear twitched slightly. Did she just hear something?

A gangly shadow stretched over an earth pony. This shadow was connected to an appendage of bone and skin and nothing else. It was a long, spindly branch of a limb that ended in seven spider-like fingers. For a second, it just hanged over the mare, unseen by anypony. A moment later and the spider fingers grabbed the mare's head, after an instant had passed, her head was crunched immediately. Furred skin tearing apart like mushy, wet paper, fragments of the scull shooting away in pieces, and bits of brain slowly sloshing out of the side.

Maud Pie looked over. Down the rails, she saw her train approaching in a speedy fashion. She started putting the newspaper back into her pack.

Two ponies had heard the noise of the mare's head being crushed, and they had felt the flying blood and gunky chunks that had hit them from behind. The Pegasus stallion was the first to turn his head back to see, and he promptly got a silvery, steel-like pincer claw piercing his eye, through the brain, and snapping his skull.

The train slowed down to a stop with a hiss of its engine. The doors on its sides sliding open for entry and exit for the passengers and would be passengers.

When the mare turned around she didn't know what she would see, she still doesn't know what she saw. It was massive, it was bulbous, it had tentacles on its right side, it had pincers on its upper left side, now it doesn't have tentacles, fleshy bubbles exploded over its skin, over its fur, not over its scales, the color of the thing changed in variation, as did the color that swirled around the thing. She just could not describe it. Just looking at it was similar in a way to a worm trying to comprehend a mathematical theory. She just didn't have a mind capable of doing that. All she knew was that the sight horrified her into silence.

The terrifying thing's tendril-like maw formed and consumed the helpless mare, before moving on to the gray mare that smelled of stone. Only to find no mare, but an empty train station, and the train moving speedily down the tracks.

The passenger car's seats were quite cushioned, not that Maud really cared much for that. She greatly preferred her stone hard bed at home, but she made due. With the train on its way to the very far Crystal Empire, Maud took out her newly bought notebook and proceeded to do her favorite activity when she had time to spare.

Write rock poetry.

Setting the notebook down and taking out a writing utensil, Maud glanced up to look around the passenger car to see if she could find a bit of inspiration. But considering what she saw, she doubted that very much.

Across from her in the next set of seats was a team of surgeons operating on an unconscious stallion. Lying on his back, the unconscious stallion's skin was pulled back for all of the world to see his pulsating organs. The team of surgeons scampered around him in a frantic manner as the various machines around them made such worrying noises.

"Doctor! The patient has lost a lot of blood!"

"Heart rate is going down! His heart is stopping!"

"Whose bright idea was this!?"

It didn't seem to be going well.

Sitting across from them, was a panting mare lying on her side. Her fur coat was absolutely covered in sweat and her belly bulged outwardly, a clear sign that she was very pregnant. Her face was also a bright red from pain and rage, while she cursed up a storm at the doctors near her.

"IF YOU BUCKING DOCTORS ARE BUCKING DONE KILLING THAT BUCKING STALLION, WHY DON'T YOU BUCKING COME OVER HERE AND BUCKING HELP ME GIVE BIRTH!"

Inevitably, it seems her pregnant status wasn't going to last very long.

Next to her was a regular stallion that had the most normal looking appearance out of everypony in the train with the only noteworthy distinction about him being the nametag that he wore that read: 'Hi! My name is Steve!'

"Hey-ooo!" the stallion called as he waved his hoof enthusiastically.

In the seats near the front of the car sat two bipedal individuals. One, a male, looked somewhat like an ape, seemed to be covered in an unusually large amount of clothes, lacked a fur coat besides the top of his head, and had appendages similar to that of dragons and diamond dogs. The other one, a female, looked somewhat like a pony with the fur coat and ears, wore very little clothing in contrast to the male, and had two absurdly and most likely unnecessarily large mammary glands on her chest. This human and anthropomorphic pony were currently on a very important mission that would unite Equestria with their worlds and establish a peace for all that would last centuries.

Unfortunately, the author has decided not to post the Human and Anthro tags to this story, so readers are requested to please ignore these two individuals and any beings like them for the duration of this story. Thank you.

The final passenger in the passenger car was a unicorn stallion in a black business suit sitting at a wooden desk. After straightening some papers with his magic, he looked up and said, "And now, for something completely different."

"BEGONE FOUL MONSTROSITY! BACK TO THINE REALM THAT THOU HAS CRAWLED OUT OF!" shouted Princess Luna. Her graceful form careening through the sky up above the train station that Maud had just left from. With eyes glowing a pure white from the raw power that she held, Princess Luna looked down at a monster she was familiar with.

Bright red, glowing cracks of energy gripped the station's concrete platform, all converging at a circular point. It was a hole, filled with purple, gaseous clouds that obscured the eyes from viewing anything deeper than a few feet into the hole. This was no ordinary ditch, but a tear in the universe that connected this dimension to a far more alien one. And half-in, half-out of this dimensional rift was the creature that had slaughtered the denizens of this train station. A mass of flesh; that was the best description for this thing. It had limbs, hoofs, hands, claws, eyes, tendrils, mouths, jaws, teeth, and all sorts of fleshy constructs all bundled together in a big blob. Never consistent, the thing's form changed considerably with each passing moment with limbs and organs growing and disappearing at will.

A tendril literally popped out of the upper portion of the monster and shot up into the sky toward Princess Luna like that of a mythical bean stalk. Growing from the tendril, mouths, pincers, and claws formed all with dangerous intent for the Princess of the night. Just as the limb was about to strike against Luna, a great beam of light shot out from the sky and burned the fleshy, tendril limb to ash and dust.

From above, Princess Celestia descended wrapped in a glowing power and her horn tipped with a burning, bright energy. Looking over to her azure sister, she yelled, "Now, sister! Send the shoggoth back to the dimension we banished it to!"

Needing no prompting, Princess Luna's horn glowed a bright blue and a beam of magical energy was shot down, encasing the shoggoth in its entirety. With the full force of her magical might, Luna pushed the cosmic monster down into the awaiting dimension, its form disappearing behind the purple clouds.

The two Princesses landed near the hole and watched passively as the ground steadily enclosed it.

"This is quite unsettling, sister," commented Celestia with worry in her tone, "this is the fourth shoggoth we found this year. What could be causing this?"

Luna didn't answer, and Celestia was horrified to see that the dimensional rift, now the size of that of a small, open basket, had stopped closing. If the opening didn't close, the shoggoth could pour out of it and who knows what else.

With a surprisingly calm face, Luna leaned forward, and, with an act that shocked Celestia, put her head into the dimensional hole and shouted, "TELL CTHULHU TO STOP SENDING ME LOVE LETTERS!" With that, she pulled her head out, stomped her hoof once, and the opening closed completely.

Noticing the hanging jaw of bafflement on Celestia's face, Luna said with an innocent curiosity, "Is something the matter, sister?"

The Princess of the sun and diarch of Equestria didn't say anything for a moment, until, "...Love letters?" she uttered.

Luna scrunched up her face in thought until a look of realization hit her features, "Oh! Right, I, uh, never told thou about it," A dark blush crossed Luna's cheeks and she looked very bashful, brushing the ground with her hoof and looking everywhere but Celestia's eyes, "It turns out, that after I was banished to thy moon, a lot of... cosmic entities... found mine attempt at a planet wide genocide through an everlasting night, um... attractive."

"...What?"

"Yes, I imagine that my connection to the Dreamscape also had a role in it too," Luna's blush darkened, and she had a faraway look in her eyes, as if she was lost in memories, "either way, I found my stay on the moon much more exhausting than I thought it would be."

Celestia's face turned a sickly shade of green at the thought of what her sister was alluding too, "Well, I guess that a mare has needs. And I suppose a thousand years on the moon alone can lower one's standards."

Luna gave her sister an angry look, "I'll have thou know that many of who I bedded were of a much higher standard than thou is crediting them. Thou opinions of them are too muddled, because thou has only had experience with these lowly servants, these shoggoths," Luna put a hoof to her chin in contemplation, "of course, now that I think of it. Being Nightmare Moon probably warped my own set of standards at the time."

"Right...," Celestia said distractedly, "so... is there any... offspring I should be aware of?"

"Sister! Thou wound me to think that I would bear child for them," Princess Luna ruffled her feathers in indignation, "I am much more responsible than that."

Celestia nearly let of a breath of relief.

"Nightmare Moon on the other hoof..." Luna continued in a conflicted tone, "well, let us just say that there are a couple of Night Gaunts roaming the Dreamscape, and that they could be considered apart of the royal family."

Princess Celestia stopped breathing. Her whole body was rigidly still from the shock.

"I have not talked to them in ages, a whole century, I think," Luna wondered aloud, "last I saw of them, they were terrorizing some poor child with nightmares by grabbing him by the torso, flying him over mountains, and dropping him into darkness," after a moment, Luna shrugged her wings indifferently, "meh, I am sure nothing came of it."

The capital of the Crystal Empire absolutely shimmered in the daylight sun. With the crystal buildings, the crystal ponies, and the magnificent Crystal Palace that stood tall over everything in a magnificent accomplishment of architecture and crystal. The capital of the Crystal Empire shined for miles across the northern tundra. It truly was a beacon of culture, success, and civilization for all those who saw it.

One of those crystal buildings was crushed under the scaly foot of a giant reptile. Bipedal in nature, the giant reptile was similar to that of a humongous dragon, minus the wings. With claws larger than entire ponies, a tail longer than most buildings are high, and strange scaly ridges that jutted out of the creature's spine and glowed a bright orange made this enormous being an imposing sight. It's focus was entirely centered on the highest tower of the Crystal Palace where another one of it's kind was clinging to it. This one was of a much smaller stature and seemed to be much younger.

The smaller one clinging to the tower let out a few growls directed at the larger one. This seemed to have angered it, as the large creature opened its maw of sharp teeth and let loose a blast of blue energy at the tower, just under where the smaller one was clinging to, who flinched in terror.

"NO! NO! NONE OF THAT!" a pink alicorn flew up to the larger one's face, like that of a gnat to a pony, and continued to yell at it in a tone of utter frustration, "I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH OF A BRAT HE IS! YOU ARE HIS FATHER, AND YOU SHOULD NOT BE TREATING HIM LIKE THAT!"

The little one clinging to the tower let loose a few more growls. The pink alicorn swiftly turned around and gave him an eye full ire, "OH, YOU CAN JUST SHUT THE BUCK UP! BY CELESTIA'S SAKE! I'VE SEEN SOME REALLY ANNOYING BRATS IN MY TIME, BUT YOU REALLY TAKE THE CAKE!"

The larger one yelled out a devastating roar that shattered the city's windows.

Looking back and pointing an accusing hoof at him, the pink alicorn yelled, "DON'T YOU DARE TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME! THE BOTH OF YOU CAME TO ME FOR FAMILY COUNCILING, AND I SWEAR BY LUNA'S ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN THAT I WILL HAVE THE TWO OF YOU LOVING EACH OTHER LIKE A FATHER AND SON SHOULD BE DOING!"

Unbeknownst to her, a royal guard pony with a blue mane had just flown up next to her. "Uh... Princess Cadence?"

With anger still boiling in her system, the pink alicorn known as Princess Cadence responded appropriately.

"WHAT IS IT, BLUE BALLS!?"

Seeing the hurt look on Flash Sentry's face, Princess Cadence breathed in deeply and rubbed her head at the headache she had all day, "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry about that. I'm having a long day. Do you have something to report?"

"...Yeah, a mare named Maud Pie is requesting an audience. She's some sort of archeologist or geologist that's trying to get to that dig site north of here, but apparently there is no civilian transportation to that area, so she is asking for some assistance."

Princess Cadence was about to say something, but the large reptile that she was currently counseling roared something. The sheer kickback of the roar caused her hair to become all ruffled and her tiara to crookedly hang from her ear.

There was an entire unnerving moment of silence before Princess Cadence deigned to speak again.

"Look... I'm kind of in the middle of something, so why don't you deal with that." Her tone of voice warned that there was to be no room for argument.

"Er, yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am," with that, Flash Sentry hurriedly flew away from his beloved princess to the Crystal Palace's audience chamber. The chamber had an open balcony for him to land on, where he found the gray mare waiting for him. She had seen the whole argument with a neutral expression on her face.

"Uh, look, I'll help find a stagecoach for you," offered Flash Sentry to the expressionless mare before him.

"Thank you," Maud Pie said without an influx of tone in her voice.

Getting off of the stagecoach, Maud Pie was hoping to see the dig site somewhere near her location. After hours of waiting in the wooden wagon that creaked and cracked under the sound of the stomping march of the four galloping ponies that were pulling the carriage, the wagon had finally come to a complete stop. After politely allowing the seven stallions dressed in the shimmering gold gear that was the Royal Guard armor off of the carriage first, Maud quickly exited after them. What appeared before her was not the dig site that was her destination, but instead rows upon rows of tents and spiked wooden fortifications with armored soldiers running about and doing drills.

It seems that she has mistakenly arrived at a military camp.

As the carriage that dropped her off here started to drive off, the Equestrian Military Corps symbol painted on the side and the gruff, armored military stallions pulling it, Maud idly wondered how this mistake could have happened. Well, mistake or not, Maud was not quite perturbed at this setback and immediately trotted toward the nearest pony that didn't seem too busy at the moment.

"Nah, I'm not too busy," Prince Shining Armor addressed the gray mare that had entered the large tent that was currently serving as the camp's HQ. Turning his head back toward the military generals that surrounded a table covered in maps and miniature sculptures that represented strategic resources, he said, "We're just about finished with this meeting anyways, right?"

One of the gruff generals put a hoof to his gruff bearded chin in thought and said in a gruff voice, "Well, we covered the usual logistic problems, and we covered that with that magic rune placed in the middle of the camp that prevents changlings from taking on the form of our soldiers to conduct sabotage, we essentially forced them to an all out assault and that we should prepare for an impending attack that could happen at any moment." He shrugged his shoulders, "Yeah, that about covers this meeting."

"Excellent," Shining Armor said before turning back toward Maud Pie, "so, what is it that you need?"

Before she could answer, a dark shadow enveloped the tent they were in and a great buzzing sound could be heard from above. Curious, Shining Armor moved past the mare and poked his head out of the tent to see what was happening. He gasped in horror at what he saw.

Thousands upon thousands of changlings descended upon the camp. Their black chitinous forms blotting out the bright sky and the flapping of their insect wings creating a narcissistic buzzing sound as they attacked the soldiers below them viscously.

"There are too many of them!" Shouted Shining Armor in a commanding voice, "We must sound the retreat! We must-GASP!" Shining Armor stopped his shouting at what he saw, or rather, whom he saw.

A stallion, lying on the ground and absolutely covered in blood. Blood that was pouring out of the many viscous cuts that marked his body.

"STEVE!" yelled out Shining Armor in complete worry as he galloped toward the downed stallion. When he reached him, he turned the stallion over on his back, where a name tag was seen on his chest, but it was too blotted out with blood for anypony to make out what it read.

"Hold on, Steve! JUST HOLD ON!" Shining Armor cried out as he put a hoof on Steve's chest for comfort, "You have eighteen children to go home to!"

The bloodied stallion weakly lifted his hoof up to his Prince, and with a few coughs of blood, he uttered his last breath.

"Hey-ooo."

Already choking on his own blood, Steve's last words drained the life out of him. His head drooped back and his raised hoof hit the ground with a dull thud.

Steve was dead.

Shining Armor shouted up to the sky in pained misery, "NOOOOOooooOOOOoooo," he gasped for breath, "OOOOooooOOOOO!"

It was then that Shining Armor noticed the sound of buzzing that surrounded him. Looking around him, he saw that he was completely surrounded by hundreds of changlings. Their bright blue eyes staring into his soul as they licked their fangs hungrily. Slowly, they started to converge onto him.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" he shouted angrily, "DON'T YOU COME ANY CLOSER!"

But come closer they did, until they were right on top of the unicorn. One of them jumped on the stallion's back, baring it's fangs, it was about to bite down on the Prince, when suddenly-

[Scene Missing]

Maud Pie and Shining Armor stood serenely on a peaceful, green hill.

"What an amazing escape," Shining Armor commented. Absolutely covered in the green bile that was changling blood, he brushed some dirt off of his shoulder meticulously.

Maud just simply nodded in agreement.

"Well, anyways you should find the dig site your looking for just over those hills," Shining Armor said as he pointed toward said hills.

"Thank you," said Maud.

"No problem. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and coordinate some sort of counterattack on those blasted changlings." And with that, Shining Armor marched down the green hill and headed toward the direction of the Crystal Empire's capital.

Finally, Maud had arrived at the dig site. It had taken some time and quite a few twists and turns on the way, but Maud had finally arrived at her long awaited destination.

From Maud's perspective it seems that the dig site has been exceptionally successful. Walking into the enormous ditch that was the dig site, Maud came across many recently uncovered, ancient structures. So recent they were, that they still had plenty of dirt and dust covering them. Also, there were a plentiful number of wooden tables spotted throughout the site with ancient artifacts like pots, vases, and miniature sculptures all strewn about on the tables. There were also labels, brushes, shovels, ladders, and many other archeological tools dotting the area around her. All were clear signs that this was the dig site that she needed to be at.

Yet, Maud could find no archaeologists, geologists, diggers, or any other type of workers that would be found at an excavation site like this one.

It was only after she had traversed through the ancient ruins for a short time that she came across a large tent. Its open flaps billowing in the wind as candlelight glowed from out of the gaps. Guttural and raspy voices could be heard from inside the tent's holds. Certain that this is where she would find everypony, Maud trotted through the front opening into the tent.

Inside, she came upon an orgy.

Yes, you read that right. An orgy.

Over a dozen ponies were inside the tent and all were in some act of sexual expression. Whether it was the ponies in the classical missionary or doggy-style positions, the couple of stallions performing an oral probing on a few specific mares, or that adventures red headed mare that was sandwiched between two stallions, both of whom were roughly ramming their steel rods into her sweaty, moist-

"MAUD!" the red headed mare shouted in delight, before letting out a gasp of pleasure. She then... slid out from between the two stallions and sauntered her way to the gray mare before smacking her lips against Maud's, her tongue invading her mouth.

Maud didn't react in the slightest.

"Mmmmm," the red headed mare moaned in delight into Maud's mouth before releasing their lip-lock to start nuzzling her neck, "It's been so long, how's my old college roommate doing?"

"Hello Burning Passion, I am fine," Maud gave a straight answer, "how is archeology?"

"Oh, it's just going fantastic," purred Burning Passion as she rubbed herself against Maud's gray coat. Her adventurous eyes staring at an area that rested between Maud's tail and back legs, "Why, we just recently uncovered evidence that ancient griffon tribes had an influence on third century Equestrian culture. Isn't that so fascinating?" Burning Passion's forehoof slowly reached for Maud's nether regions.

"I wouldn't know. It's not about rocks," Maud said evenly, "by the way, I was called here to look at a particular rock. Do you know which?"

"Hmm? Oh! Yes, I know about that. Would you like to know where?" asked Burning Passion with a cheshire smile while waving her flank into the air in a teasing manner.

A flank that was immediately pounced on by a random stallion.

"Oof!" she gasped in surprise before collecting herself. With a seductive smirk she turned her head back to the stallion rutting her and giggled, "Well, hello there." Burning Passion closed her eyes and hummed to herself in pleasure, her bright red mane bouncing back and forth as she was rutted by the stallion.

Maud waited patiently.

"Mmmmm," opening her eyes, Burning Passion looked at Maud quizzically, wondering why she wasn't joining in before remembering why she was here, "Oh, uh, you can find the rock at the top of that temple pyramid-thingy."

"I'll go there then," said Maud, turning around and exiting the tent.

"Just make sure to come back once you're done!" Burning Passion called out.

"Hey, that mare is kind of hot," remarked the rutting stallion above her, "She any good in the sack?"

Burning Passion started giggling, before crossing into full blown laughter, "Stud, don't even try it. She's got the endurance of a rock. She will outlast you."

"...Whoa."

Maud Pie looked up at the pyramid before her. It was quite large, and the stairs leading up to the very top of it were quite daunting to any fat-bellied tourist. But Maud wasn't a fat-bellied tourist. She was a Pie. And the Pie family haven't had a fat family member since in the ancient times, before they had sacrificed their souls to Shub-Niggurath in exchange for an amazing metabolism.

So Maud Pie took her first steps up the pyramid without any fear in her. She also did so without any other sense of emotion either, but that's irrelevant.

Marching up the pyramid steps to reach the rock that started this whole adventure, Maud relived the events that happened to her on this journey here before her eyes.

Her mother giving her the letter.

Talking to her father in a field of rocks.

Grabbing the notebook and newspaper off of a rack in the convenience store.

Reading the newspaper as she waits for the train.

Getting on the train.

Writing rock poetry in the notebook on the train.

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna banishing a terrible cosmic entity to another dimension, systematically saving all of ponykind from a terrible monster that knew no mercy.

Maud stopped walking up the steps. She didn't remember that last one happening. Oh, well. With an indifferent shrug of her shoulders she continued up the stairs.

Getting off the train.

Signing a form to request an audience with Princess Cadence on the subject of transportation.

Riding the stagecoach.

Asking for directions from Prince Shining Armor.

Walking through the ancient ruins of the dig site.

Exiting Burning Passion's tent.

Taking her first steps up the pyramid.

She remembered it all and how far she has come.

Finally, she reached the top of the pyramid. Her back not even sweating at the effort required to reach this height.

She then saw it.

The rock.

It was just sitting there, atop of a stone table that was a dull gray in color, except for the top part that was stained in blood from past ritualistic sacrifices.

But that didn't matter to Maud, she had a rock to examine. So she stepped forward until she was near the table and looked down at it with scrutiny.

The rock was a dark brown in color and quite small. It was barely even bigger than Boulder, her pet rock that was never addressed or acknowledged in this story. To think that such a small thing could give rise to such an adventure.

Maud continued to stare at the rock.

She then reached over with her hoof, grabbed it, and brought it close to her face.

Maud Pie blinked.

"This is a clump of dirt."

fin

Author's Note

Dear sir,

I wish to complain on the strongest possible terms about the contents of this story that details the day in the life of the pony named: Maud Pie. Many of my best friends are dull, unaware of events around them, and hold a strong professional interest in rocks, and only a few of them are ponies.

Yours faithfully,

Brigadier Sir. Charles Arthur Strong (Mrs.)
(deceased)

Real Author's Note: Hello! And thank you all for reading this story. The author would like to remind all of you to not forget to like and favorite this story if you quite enjoyed it. Doing this will really help his self-esteem immensely. If you want to read more of his works, please feel free to check out his profile.

...He can't stop talking in third-person.

Somepony help!