Equestria: The Land of Chaos and Disharmony
(A/N: PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY! This is a joke. I only made this to be stupid and make fun of things. Please no haters! No hitters either! No. no… NO! PLEASE DON’T HIT ME! NOOOOO!)
ONCE UPON A TIME…..
There existed a land called Equestria. It was a happy land, where ponies could live happy lives and everyone was happy. It was a land where trees grew in splendor and rolling green hills were a peaceful place to picnic. Wondrous blue oceans held many interesting creatures and dry heated deserts killed many travellers with the bright hot sun and dehydration.
Of all the ponies, two were chosen to rule over the land. Two alicorns ruled Equestria. The eldest, named ‘Celestia’, raised the sun at dawn. She was white, with a beautiful flowing colourful mane. Her cutie mark was the sun. Her sister, ‘Luna’, brought out the moon at night. She was a very dark blue, with a mystical blue sparkly mane. Her cutie mark was the moon.
They originally had thought at one point to have three rulers, because three is a nice number. The only thing was, the sun and moon were taken. The only thing left was rainbows, and nopony wanted to control the rainbows. They were pretty boring. This was before the great rainbow war of 1209 AD, (After Discord), when rainbows became 20% cooler than other colours. A surge in rainbow-based warfare, such as the sonic rainboom and rainnukes caused the popularity of rainbows to increase dramatically. But this was before that. Therefore, because nopony wanted to create and control rainbows, they made a factory that could maintain rainbow production and distribution. Est. 708 AD, the factory itself grew in might and power after the rainbow war, because they were the only ones who could make the rainbows and became extremely rich by selling rainbows to either country. Each side had the same benefactors, controller their weapons, controlling the battlefield, controlling the wars. War… had changed. Eventually, each side found out and everpony laughed at the awkward predicament. After that, the rainbow factory went in to full swing, producing rainbows, because they were rainbows, and rainbows are cool. The population of Cloudsdale decreased dramatically that year. Because of this, Equestria did not need someone to single-handedly control rainbows. Ergo, Equestria had no third ruler.
None of the information about rainbows is relevant to the story.
What is relevant is the fact that there were two rulers: one for night, and one for day. The one that raised the sun was loved by all. The huge flaming ball of burning gas that she claimed to single-handedly make rise and fall everyday was rather popular with the younger crowd. It was critically acclaimed throughout Equestria as a generally good idea, but the elders didn’t like it. The ponies from the days of old weren’t keen on the idea of ‘day’ and ‘night’. They thought it was just a passing fad that would eventually die out.
Ironically, they all died out and nopony cared.
As for Celestia, she was voted ‘Equestria’s most popular goddess’ and the sun claimed the most coveted title of ‘The best idea since sliced rainbows’. She was invited to all of the cool parties and raves. She made an estimated 300,000,000,000,000 bits annually. She gave no money to charity and said that the poor should work harder for good things. Learning to become hopeful and dependant on others were not good morals and would lead them to depression and low self-esteem when everypony else stabbed them in the back for being poor. This only increased her popularity and everypony liked her on Facebook more than anything else in history. Ever. Everypony loved her and her great smelling mane. Or so… they were told… it smelled… great…
She also had a bouncy castle that she let everpony bounce in. Except Luna. Speaking of Luna…
While the fact remained that everypony was on the ‘burn all the gas in the sky’ bandwagon, nopony really liked the night. The princess ‘Luna’ was not as popular as her beloved sister. The moon was a big ball of… rock. Contrary to the popular belief that it was actually cheese that had gone over and smelled so bad it had to go away into space. Luna lied and used this as her main campaign strategy. She rode the polls up until someone actually took a look at the moon and realized that the moon was boring rock. She came clean and confessed her lie. The votes that year were Celestia: 100% Luna: 0. Celestia’s first order as leader was to abolish all votes and elections and make herself dictator for life, ruling everypony’s lives. Her second order was to send all the stinky cheese in Equestria to burn in the sun. Luna would eventually sue for copyright infringement and lose because she was the whinny little sister and nopony cared.
So anyway, Luna’s standing were not so good to start out with, but nopony liked the idea of half of their day being invaded by the lonely little rock in the sky. Everything was really gloomy and the moon’s light made things hard to see. Ponies could have sworn that Luna was casting a mysterious spell over the land whenever the moon was up, because at night, ponies became mysteriously drowsy and often blacked out. They would awaken again in the day, when the sun would be out. They became accustomed to their fate of blacking out, and prepared soft pillows and sheets to lay on as they were out cold. Everypony usually survived the night and would live another day. For now, at least… The ponies of the day did not become fully accustomed to the night. They soon became paranoid about the terrible things that could befall them at night. Rumors spread about masked killers, zombie ponies and even Oprah Winfrey attacking ponies while they blacked out!
All of these rumors were, of course, started by Princess Celestia.
Ponies turned away from Luna and all kissed up to Celestia’s big fat butt. Many ponies ended up crushed by Celestia when she sat down to drink some rainbow juice and they all died. Nopony cared and they were quickly replaced with other loyal butt-kissers. Meanwhile, Luna became very lonely without any ponies to talk to, and eventually made friends of her own. Her favourites were Chester the hay bale, Skippy the rock and Murdoc the half smoked joint. They would have fun by drawing pictures, watching anime and eating stinky cheese in secret. Eventually, all of these friends died too, when Chester was eaten by some random ponies by mistake, Skippy left Luna to join in Celestia’s bouncy castle and Murdoc was smoked up by Luna because Chester died and Skippy left.
Years passed and Celestia reigned supreme. She humoured her little sister by letting her raise the moon each night. She only did this because she liked to see Luna get yelled at by the terrified ponies who would scream and run round in darkness for about six seconds, before passing out. Night was also a fun time for Celestia, as it was a good time for her to prank ponies. Her favourites included: putting hooves in warm water, doodling on ponies’ faces and the ever-so-hilarious classic: putting dog poop all over ponies’ bedroom floors so that when they woke up they would be trapped in a minefield of poop. Luna tried to join in once. Celestia just smashed a bottle of rainbow juice on her head as a joke. When she awoke, Luna had marker all over her face, had wet herself and she was trapped in an endless minefield of dog poop that extended about six miles from Canterlot.
So yeah, life sucked for Luna.
One day, Luna had eaten so much secret stinky cheese that it had begun to affect her brain. She went mad with cheese-tastic power and began plotting her revenge on Celestia, Equestria and the sun itself. She drew up plans for a giant robot that would shoot lasers and destroy everything. It was shaped like a giant Luna with a really big horn, for some reason…
“AND WHEN I KILL EVERYONE IN EQUESTRIA, I WILL WALK UP TO MY SISTER AND SAY, ‘YOU SHOULD HAVE RESPECTED ME MORE AND LET ME IN YOUR BOUNCY CASTLE.’.”
“AND SHE SHALL SAY, ‘OH NO! I’M SO SORRY, SISTER. YOU ARE RIGHT; I SHOULD HAVE RESPECTED YOU MORE. WILL YOU PLEASE SPARE ME?”
“AND I SHALL SAY ‘NO.’.”
“AND SHE SHAL SAY ‘WHY NOT?’.”
“AND I SHALL SAY, ‘BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO GO IN THE BOUNCE CASTLE.’, AND THEN I SHALL SEND HER SPIRALLING INTO THE SUN FOR A THOUSAND YEARS’ BANISHMENT. WUAHAHAHAHAHAH!”
Luna soon realized that the whole idea was stupid and just went with trying to make it eternally night.
When Celestia awoke the next morning to raise the sun, she found that the moon would not go away, no matter how many times she hit it with the sun. They sky was always dark, and the moon was going to be in the sky forever. Ponies panicked, as ponies do. They started screaming in the streets about the masked killers, preparing their guns for the zombie apocalypse, and got their pitchforks and torches in retaliation for the oncoming Oprah Winfrey. None of these things actually occurred, but some ponies, even today, think that there may have been sightings of a gruesomely disgusting and grossly repulsing creature, hiding in the bushes. This was most likely Winfrey. Definitely.
…Maybe.
Celestia’s kingdom was crumbling apart: her subjects where frightened and scared, her butt was going unkissed and her rainbow juice was not as colourful anymore in the dark. Nighttime does that kind of thing to a kingdom. Celestia considered a retaliation attack on the moon and Luna, but was too lazy and did nothing. Celestia went to her room for a quick session of Skyrim and just kinda hoped the whole thing would blow over.
Twenty eight days later, when Celestia emerged from her hole of video games and Red Pegasus, it was still dark. Celestia was contemplating whether it was supposed to be dark or not, when she noticed something that would change everything:
Her bouncy castle had become deflated.
Celestia had had enough. Causing her subjects terror, pain and torment was one thing, but deflating her bouncy castle was crossing the line. Besides, tormenting her subjects was her job.
On the plains of a field that would one day come to be known as ‘The site of the battle between the most loved pony ever to live and Luna’, stood the two armies. On the one side, stood Celestia’s army. It contain over 10,000 highly trained and extremely deadly soldiers, each one equipped with machine guns, heavy armour, a huge ass knife and a self-destruct bomb implanted in each to evade capture. On the other side of the battlefield, stood Luna, now calling herself, ‘Nightmare Moon’, and Skippy the rock, who, after accidentally popping the bouncy castle, got bored and went back to Luna.
This was it. The fight to end all fights. The battle to end all battles! The war to end all wars! This battle would determine who would be leader of Equestria, and who would die. Who would be the greatest of all time: night or day? Which would reign supreme: the sun or the moon? Whose reign of terror would last an eternity: Celestia, with her money, kissed butt and deflated bouncy castle, or Luna, with her stinky cheese and pet rock? This was an epic battle that would last for centuries, each side hell-bent on seeing the other’s demise, destruction and ultimate death. Celestia prepared her armies, as did Nightmare Moon. The battle was about to begin!
“ATTACK!”
Celestia pwned Nightmare Moon in one hit.
As Nightmare Moon lay bleeding, bruised and beaten on the field of battle, she prepared to accept her defeat gracefully. She knew that this is what destiny had planned for them all along. Celestia stood over her sister, a large sword prepared to slice Luna’s head off at the command.
“Any final words, sister, before I cut your head off and banish you to the moon?’
Nightmare Moon smirked, “Just this…” she said weakly, her breath reeking of secret stinky cheese. “…I love how your bouncy castle looks now.”
In a rage of fury and hate, Celestia prepared to kill her one and only sister!
Just then, a pony arose from the ashes of the battle, running towards the sisters. “No, wait!” She had a dirty yellow mane, a grey coat, covered in wounds, and bubbles cutie mark. She ran with all her might, her tired muscles screaming at her every step she made. She had to make it, or it would all have been for naught. She eventually made it to the two confused Alicorns.
“WAIT! Don’t kill her yet! I have an idea that can make everypony happy!”
The next day, a bright object appeared in the sky. It rose form the east with such grace and beauty. Its wondrous love and warmth cast down upon all the surviving ponies of Equestria. It wasn’t the sun, though. The sun no longer existed, nor did the moon. Both had been extinguished, or rather, combined, to create a new form in the sky, one that could produce BOTH day and night at the same time. No longer would one sister rule above another. No longer would ponies have to cower in fear at the terror of zombies or killers or Oprah. No, instead, everypony basked in the glory of the new sky ornament:
A muffin.
When neither sun nor moon could agree, when night and day argued and fought, one unifying force brought them together in unifying harmony and peace: Derpy Hooves. Derpy Hooves and her magnificent muffins brought together two alicorn sisters that could not find a middle ground. The muffin was the middle ground. Equality was founded. In thanks, the two Alicorns allowed Derpy to become a princess as well, and thus, Equestria finally had its third leader. Not a leader of rainbows, but a leader of muffins.
The muffin lit up the sky both night and day. Many ponies came to love their new muffin overlord. They spread the love and joy of their muffin and even sang songs about it, most popular and well-known being: ‘The Dark Side of the Muffin’, which dominated the top 20 charts of muffin. The muffin eventually got its own spinoff show called ‘That crazy Muffin’, where every week, three ponies would be chosen to fight to the death at a chance to claim a tiny morsel of the glorious muffin for their very own.
And so, Equestria forever stayed in peace and harmony with their muffin the sky.
…Celestia still banished Luna to the muffin, though, for sh*ts and giggles.
“and TAHT’s how Exzestia was made!” Derpy finished telling her story, falling over on her back and passing out.
The group of little fillies and foals that had gathered ‘round Auntie Derpy for a story began crying and sobbing as Derpy snored in a puddle of cider. Over in the corner of the room, Applejack and Twilight stood, watching the whole scene unfold.
Applejack turned to Twilight and said, “Okay, Derpy gets no more hard cider. EVER.”
“Agreed.”
THE END
