Big Mac Goes to Therapy

by Daedalus Aegle

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sex, Big Macintosh
Length: 8208

Sometimes even the most closed and stoic of ponies needs to get things off his chest.

Big Mac needs to talk about some things.

This does not come easily to him.

Published 2014-04-14 22:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-14 22:00:03 UTC

Session 1

“Nice office,” Big Macintosh said, looking idly around him.

“Thank you,” Time Turner, Ponyville's resident psychotherapist, said to his new patient. “How are you today, then, mister Apple?”

“...Fine,” he mumbled.

They were both silent, each waiting for the other to say something.

Big Mac squirmed in his seat. “Ah ain't never done this before,” he said, shifting and shuffling to try to find a comfortable position in a chair that was not quite large enough for him.

“That's okay,” Time Turner said. “A lot of ponies find it strange at first. A lot of ponies still think that therapy is only for ponies who are seriously mentally ill, but nothing could be further from the truth.”

“Well...” Big Mac rested his gaze on a picture on the wall off to the side. “This was mah sister's idea, not mine. Ah ain't sure this is gonna do much, no offense.”

“Hopefully you'll be surprised,” Turner said, smiling. He looked down at his notes. “When your sister made this appointment she said that you've been having nightmares.”

“Is that all she said?” Big Mac asked, scrunching up in his chair with his forelegs crossed.

“She also said she thought you'd been withdrawing from her and the rest of your family lately, and spending more of the day at work out in the orchard,” Turner replied. Big Mac gave an indignant grunt. “But what she thinks isn't important here. What you think, is.” He sat back in his seat. “Do you think you could tell me?”

“Well...” Big Mac looked unsure. “Everythin' that Ah say is private, right? Won't leave this room?”

“Absolutely,” Turner nodded. “Your privacy is completely safe with me.”

Big Mac bit his lip, and considered this for a few tense seconds. Then he nodded, and let out his breath, as though he'd been holding it for a long time. “Alright. Well, the past few years, y'know, there's so much stuff been happenin'... after some of the things Ah've had done to me... not that Ah've had much, compared to mah sister an' her friends, mind you, the stuff they've gone through... but Ah've gotten some and Ah think it's kinda messed with mah head.”

Turner nodded. “When you say 'messed with your head', how do you mean?”

“Well...” Big Mac fidgeted, looking rather embarassed. “It's... Ah feel like Ah cain't, well, have feelings for mares. Y'know what, lemme just start at the beginnin'.”

“The first time was with Discord,” Big Mac said, and began telling the story. “Back when everythin' was at its worst, and all o' Ponyville was just all kinds'a crazy, out at Sweet Apple Acres Ah was running around thinking Ah was a dog. Ah was digging up holes in the ground and barkin', and whatnot... And something happened that Ah ain't never gotten past...”

“Do you get impulses from that time?” Turner asked. “Everypony else reported that once Discord was defeated everypony went back to normal.”

“No, that aint the problem. It all went away, it's just that...” Big Mac choked up at the memory. “Promise never to tell a soul?” Turner nodded. “Pinkie promise?”

Turner dutifully recited the lines and performed the gestures of the most binding oath known to Ponyville.

Big Mac took a deep breath. “My sister has a dog. Winona. Real friendly, playful girl. And, when Ah was running around thinkin' Ah was a dog too... Look, Ah don't need to go into the details. It was just a couple of minutes, nopony else saw it, but even after Discord was beaten and everythin' he'd done went away, Ah can still remember,” the big stallion shuddered. “Ah aint never spoken a word of it to another living soul.”

“I see,” Turner said, his professional demeanor remaining entirely uncracked. “It's entirely understandable that an event like that would make problems with getting close to mares...” His voice was soft and understanding. “You need to give yourself time, and to understand that it wasn't in any way your fault.”

“Ah know that,” Big Mac said, looking down at his hooves. “An' really, after Discord was beaten everythin' would probably have gone back to normal. But then that weren't the only thing. Y'remember the Smarty Pants incident?”

Turner nodded.

“Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's own student, one of the most powerful unicorns in Equestria, loses it and puts a spell on her old dolly that makes everypony who sees it go crazy over it. First she gives it to mah kid sister and her friends, then she gets me to try to get it away from 'em. And everythin' just goes outta control after that,” Big Mac muttered. “That was just a few weeks after Discord, and there Ah am, head over hooves for a little filly's dolly, fightin' like Ah aint done since Ah was a colt on the playground, to get every other pony in Ponyville ta give 'er up to me.”

“That episode also ended with the Princess breaking the enchantment,” Turner said. “Did you feel any aftereffects from the spell? Have you still felt a need for the doll afterwards?”

“...Sometimes,” Big Mac admitted with a low voice. “Ah grabbed the doll right after the Princess showed up, when everypony else was walking away, and ran home with it. Sometimes Ah... get it out from mah closet and play with it a bit, just to relax after mah work. Then Ah'd get too embarassed, and throw it in mah baby sister's room with all a' her toys, and not say anythin'... and then Ah'd sneak back in and get it again later on. Y'probably saw that photo in the Foal Free Press that time.” Big Mac clenched his jaw in anger at the memory, then quickly shook it off. “...Ah haven't really wanted to be noticed by anypony since that time. But that still wasn't the last thing. After that was Hearts and Hooves Day. Did you hear about that one?”

“I'd like it if you told me about it.”

“Well, as if being brainwashed by a god of chaos and a powerful unicorn weren't enough, mah own baby sister decided to join in and fed me a botched love potion to make me fall for their teacher, Miss Cheerilee. An' she drank it too, and fell for me just as much. We spent all day just spoutin' lovey-dovey nonsense at each other.” Big Mac paused, deep in thought, and continued: “That feelin', though... It wouldn't surprise me if lil' Apple Bloom really does get her cutie mark in making potions one day. That feelin' was absolute, all-consuming bliss. It was the strongest, most overpowering feelin' Ah'd ever had in mah life. Much stronger than miss Twilight's spell. If mah sister and her friends hadn't managed to break the spell, we probably woulda just sat there staring into each other's eyes forever, forgettin' to eat or drink or sleep, until we died.”

Turner said nothing, but let the farm pony sit and think in silence after that.

“After that... compared to that feelin'... the idea of talking to a mare, and trying to get close to somepony... well, after having mah feelings so scrambled up so many times, and mah mind played around with so often, Ah'm just not sure Ah can have regular old feelings anymore.”

There was another moment of somber silence.

“Ah saw there was one of them magic water cooler things outside,” Big Mac eventually said with a thin voice. “Can Ah get a cup of water?” Turner nodded. “Thanks.”

A minute later Big Mac was sitting again in the chair that was just a little too small for him, looking down at a tiny paper cup in his hooves. “So this all sorta came together a couple months ago,” he said, “at the Summer Wrap-Up Festival and Hoedown. Ah had forgotten the date, and wasn't plannin' to go, but Ah needed to pick up some nails.” He shifted in the chair, leaning back. “Ah used to go to the Summer Wrap-Up every year, back when Ah was little, and had a great time. This time, though, the whole day Ah was there, Ah was just trying to get through the crowds, find the hardware store, and go home again. In the end it turned into a pretty fun day. But Ah just didn't feel comfortable.”

“What made you uncomfortable?” Turner asked.

“Well... there were mares there. Lots of 'em, trying to catch mah eye. Like, even one of them Wonderbolts was there. She had a crash landing right next to me, and then she spent the whole day sneakin' around, trying to get close to me, and Ah had to pretend not to notice. Princess Luna herself was there, and right when Ah was headin' to the hardware store, Ah'm standin' there in the middle of the crowd when she comes up, points directly at me and “volunteers” me to play the games with her. Kept me busy for two hours,” he stared blankly at the wall, not revealing any emotion. “Later that night she rode the ferris wheel with me, and gave me a peck on the cheek. Apparently Ah made a very funny face when she did. And there was Miss Cheerilee.” He sighed. “She... well, she gave me a hug that was just a little too close for somepony who's just a friend, and in the back of mah head Ah had to wonder what she was thinking, if it was actually her or if it was just some leftover from the love potion making her do it. An' Ah thought about that love potion again.” He stared at nothing, his eyes focusing on a point far off into the distance. “And Ah thought about how Ah didn't know if Ah was feeling anythin' at all, or what it was if it was anythin'.”

He took a sip of water. “Anyway, Ah tried to not get caught up with anyone, and played some games, went on some rides, an' at the end of the night, Ah went back home, alone. It was nice. But next mornin' at breakfast, Applejack said to me that she'd been hearin' from every mare in Ponyville talkin' about me after the big bash. Said lots of 'em were askin' to try to find out why Ah wasn't takin' anypony up on their advances. She said to me that there were mares fallin' over each other to get close to me all day and night, and thought that Ah hadn't even noticed. Said even Rainbow Dash had been upset that Ah was apparently tryin' ta “steal Fleetfoot from her,” which makes all kinds a' no sense. She weren't too happy about that.”

Turner nodded. “I see. Well, I definitely think that you were right not to try to force yourself into anything that you're not comfortable with.” He thought for a second. “Could it be,” he began slowly, “that you're just not into mares in general? Have you had any succesful relationships with women in the past?”

“Well, mah cousin Braeburn has joked that if Ah ever decided Ah was into stallions, he knew a dozen who'd pay 'im to introduce 'em to me,” Big Mac said with a chuckle, and shook his head. “But nope. Ah did have a fillyfriend once, when Ah was young. It didn't seem like a big deal at the time. That's just natural, at that age. But then mah parents died.” He paused, briefly, before continuing. “So me and Applejack, barely more'n foals ourselves, had ta' take care of the farm, and raise little Apple Bloom, who was still in diapers back then. So Ah did all the farm work, and AJ took care of the little one, an' both of us barely had a minute's rest in a day put together, until Apple Bloom was old enough that AJ could leave her alone and help with the farm labor. In all that time Ah hardly ever set foot in Ponyville, 'cept to staff our stall on market days. So there weren't much time fer getting to know women. But in the meantime...” Big Mac fell silent again, his calm belied by the sudden coarse, growling quality of his voice that revealed the deep pool of emotion he had within him. “Well, Ah'm sure you've heard the rumours. They don't exactly help.”

Turner nodded. He knew the rumours, as everypony in Ponyville knew them: that the two elder Apple siblings had an incestuous relationship. A spiteful but surprisingly popular theory to explain why the stallion, who many considered the most desirable bachelor in Ponyville, was almost never seen away from his home, and hardly ever spoke to any other mare or stallion. Turner maintained a respectfully neutral face, but inwardly he was disgusted at the malicious gossip small-town ponies could come up with.

“There ain't a lick o' truth in any of em,” Big Mac said. “Y'know that, right?”

Turner nodded. “I know there isn't.”

“Ah don't anger easily,” the huge, muscular earth pony stallion said. “But sometimes, Ah wish Ah could crush the throat of whoever it was started that rumour between mah hooves. Not so much for me, but mah sister is the most wonderful pony in Equestria, and the thought that ponies would believe somethin' like that about her...”

“It might be that nopony really believes them,” Turner suggested. “Malicious gossip travels fast, and ponies find pleasure in them, but in my experience gossip isn't really about the ponies that are named in it. It's just a rather thoughtless kind of community entertainment.”

“...'yup,” Big Mac muttered. “It's just... it's been years, and the same rumours are still going 'round. The worst ones drag mah baby sister into it as well, sayin' she's secretly mine and AJ's baby. Ah don't want her hearing that stuff. She gets enough bother from bullies as it is.”

A bell rang in the distance. Turner bit his lip. “I'm afraid our time is up for tonight. I'm very glad you decided to come to this appointment. I think it's very important that you try to work this out, and I definitely think talking through your experiences like this could be of help to you. If it's alright with you I'd like to schedule another appointment.”

Big Mac nodded, without enthusiasm. “Ah suppose.”

“In fact...” Turner began, “I would like, if it's alright with you, to have a group session with another pony who has experiences that are maybe similar to yours. I think that might be helpful. Would that be alright?”

Big Mac looked very uncertain.

“You don't have to answer right away,” Turner said. “You can think about it, and let me know. You wouldn't have to tell them anything that makes you uncomfortable. Think about it, okay?”

“Eeyup.”

“Alright, I'll see you soon.”

“Eeyup.”

Author's Note

The story of Big Mac and the Summer Wrap-Up Festival and Hoedown is in issue 9 and 10 of the MLP comic books.

Session 2

“Have you two met?” Turner asked.

“Nope,” said Big Mac.

“I don't think we ever have,” Shining Armor said smiling. “But I've met your sister. Both of them, actually, they were lovely.”

“And yours,” Big Mac nodded.

Sir Shining Armor, Captain of the Royal Guard, Prince Consort of the Crystal Empire, did not seem at all awkward or out of place in the therapist's office, sitting in a chair identical to the one which struggled to accommodate Big Mac. Shining Armor never seemed out of place anywhere, and his various titles did nothing to dim the charm and respect of his demeanour. It was well known that the guardspony made everypony he spoke to feel like his equal.

Yet here, the awkward silence remained.

Big Mac had not realized this was who Turner was referring to when he talked about “similar experiences”. It had taken a lot to convince the farmer to go along with the idea, and now mere moments after sitting down he was already beginning to regret it.

Shining Armor cleared his throat. “I feel like I should say something, in the interest of full disclosure,” he began. Big Mac raised an eyebrow. “I met with Twilight in Canterlot last week, and she mentioned that Applejack had talked to her...”

Big Mac let out of a miserable groan. “She told you about that?” Shining Armor nodded.

Turner coughed. “We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to,” he said.

Big Mac shook his head. “It ain't important,” he said. “It's just the reason she got me to go along with this whole talkin' thing.”

–

Applejack didn't like to bother her brother when he was out working, which was most of the time, but she needed to ask him something. She was supposed to be taking the red cart to market that day, but the thing was nowhere on the Acres to be found, and Apple Bloom steadfastly denied having used it, or lost it, or lent it out, or accidentally destroyed it in a misguided attempt at getting some kind of cart-transcendence cutie mark. Nor had Granny Smith seen it, which left only two options: either Big Mac had taken it with him by mistake, or somepony had gone and stolen it, and Applejack wasn't about to take any chances. So she had tossed on her hat and set out to the South Orchard to find the big stallion and see.

The South Orchard was the largest of all the fields on Sweet Apple Acres, and it took Applejack a good twenty minutes at a steady trot to cross it. It would have taken longer to find her brother, except that the sound of trees shaking from the impact of his hooves carried a long ways. She rarely came this way, as for one reason or another Big Mac generally handled the whole South Orchard himself, and Applejack was happy to let him keep a slice of the farm as his personal farming pride. Applejack was no expert, and had wondered on occasion if this was something stallions felt a need for, a piece of territory all their own.

The sound of bucking grew louder and louder as she drew closer, and she smiled as her brother came into view in the distance, along with the red cart, half-full of apple baskets. She opened her mouth to yell out a greeting, but hesitated when she noticed something odd. She halted, and stood behind a tree as she took a closer look at the stallion. His usual face of either stoic calm or contented satisfaction in a job done well was gone, replaced by an unhappy frown. The tree he was bucking, she saw, had no apples to shed, and by the looks of it hadn't for a good while: much of the bark was scraped clean off under the force of repeated impact from his hooves. And though he clearly hadn't noticed her approach, and nopony else was nearby, he seemed to be deep in a heated argument with somepony.

“...Ah told you it was a dumb idea,” Big Mac said. “Honestly. Pears, really? Ah swear...”

Crack. The tree shook, and the sound could be heard a mile away. A few leaves joined their comrades in covering the ground, the casualties of a prolonged assault.

“You're an idiot,” Big Mac continued. “A big, dumb idiot. 's just as well ya never say anythin', if ponies heard some of the crap ya come up with...”

Crack. A burst of splintered bark let go of the last strand holding on to the trunk and flew through the air.

“Well if ya're so damned smart then how come you aint helping? At least Ah try, all you do is hide away and... Rrrargh!”

CRACK.

“Big Mac?” Applejack stepped forward. “Are ya okay?”

The stallion froze and looked at her with wide eyes. “Umm... Eeyup?”

–

“Well, she demanded Ah tell her what was going on. Ah didn't wanna, but mah sister's a stubborn one and wouldn't let up,” Big Mac grudgingly continued. “A week goes by like that, and every day she goes out with me in the fields, does all mah chores alongside me, won't leave me alone, askin' me what's wrong every five minutes without fail, and Ah'm not sayin' a word to her. A couple times, Ah woke up at night, and she's standing in the door, and asks if Ah was having a nightmare, like Ah'm a little foal.” The powerful stallion crossed his forelegs and frowned. “Then one day she comes up to mah room after dinner and tells me she's made an appointment for me to talk to a brain doctor, whatchacallem, yeah, that, psychotherapist, and that she won't take no fer an answer. An' she just kept at it all day long until Ah went along with it.”

“I think your sister just wants you to be happy,” Shining Armor said. “Twilight told me that Applejack had come to her at her wit's end, asking for advice. Twilight actually seemed impressed, she said she'd never seen Applejack so rattled before. Apparently you really scared her with your performance.”

Big Mac tried to hide his face in his hooves, his strong red color slightly stronger than usual. “Ah was jus' talkin',” he mumbled.

“I can actually tell the rest of that story,” Shining Armor said. “Based on what Twilight told me...”

–

“Ah dunno what to do, Twi,” Applejack said as she paced back and forth on the library floor. “He's never been like this before. He won't talk to me. Ah've been going out with him to work in the orchards every day since, tryin' to be helpful an' supportive, tryin' to get him to open up more, ya know? But it ain't helpin'!”

“Isn't that what you did with Apple Bloom that one time as well?” Twilight asked. “When you decided she needed constant coddling and protection, and you got on her nerves so bad she decided to march into the Fire Swamp on her own?”

“This is completely different!” Applejack shot an angry look at her friend. “You know he's barely set hoof off the farm for months? He used to do market days almost as often as me. Now he hasn't done one in many weeks. Ah didn't really think much about it before now, but this musta' been goin' on for ages. Ah've talked to Granny Smith and Apple Bloom, and they agree wit' me.” She sighed. “Ah think he has nightmares. Ah've heard him mumblin' in his sleep, and sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night. Ah've tried askin' him about them but he just clams up and frets like a little colt. Ah'm at mah wits' end, Twi.”

Twilight nodded, considering her friend's words carefully. “Maybe you're not the right pony to get him to open up.”

“What in the hay is THAT supposed ta' mean?” Applejack glared angrily at the unicorn. “Are you tellin' me Ah'm a bad sister? Because you better be ready to back THAT up with yer hooves!”

“What? No!” Twilight shook her head, taking a step back. “Of course I would never think that, Applejack! I'm just saying that, maybe, Big Mac might find it easier to open up to somepony who isn't family.”

“That don't make a lick o' sense to me,” Applejack said. “The Apples are the closest darn family in all of Equestria. We tell each other everythin'!”

“Clearly that's not true in this case,” Twilight said apologetically.

Applejack glared at her for a second, then closed her eyes, sighed, and nodded. “Ah guess not.”

“Look,” Twilight said gently. “I know you and me and all the other girls share almost everything with each other. But maybe whatever's bothering Big Macintosh is... too personal to share with somepony so close. Maybe it would be easier for him to discuss it with somepony he doesn't know, somepony he won't have a personal relationship with. Like a therapist. Then he could talk it out without having to worry what anypony would think of him.”

“A therapist?” Applejack sounded sceptical. “Ah dunno, Twi... Big Mac would never go fer somethin' like that. Maybe you big city unicorns would, no offense, but us Apples ain't got time for that kind o' stuff.”

“Maybe it's worth a shot, though?” Twilight said, putting a hoof on her friend's back. “I know that if anypony can convince him to try it, it's you.”

–

“So really this is yer sister's fault,” Big Mac muttered.

“I suppose you could say that,” Shining Armor said. “I hope you're not planning some kind of revenge scheme now.”

Big Mac slumped over in his chair, looking miserable. “Ah just don't like ponies talkin' about me behind mah back.”

“Twily only wants to help,” Shining Armor said. “She told me she thought, if you couldn't open up to friends or family, maybe it would be easier to talk to somepony else.” He paused a second and thought about what he had just said. “But then, I'm not exactly a stranger either. If you don't want to talk to me either, that's fine.”

Big Mac grumbled, “Ah don't wanna waste yer time...”

Turner coughed to draw their attention. “Sir Armor, if it's alright I'd like it if you and mister Apple could share your experiences with each other. Big Mac, is that alright?”

Big Mac saw both the other stallions looking at him. He sighed. “Ah was brainwashed,” he said simply. “With love. More than once. Now Ah don't trust mah own feelings.”

Turner nodded. “We were hoping you could help by sharing your own experience,” he said to the unicorn.

“Hoo-boy,” Shining Armor said, and took a deep breath. “Where to begin. Well, it was in the runup to the wedding. Two weeks before the big day, changelings ambushed Cadance while she was taking a walk in the labyrinth garden. She was locked away in the forgotten crystal mines under the city, and Chrysalis took her place. Once we were alone, she cast her spell on me, and I was powerless to resist it. After that, we spent the next two weeks going over the city defenses and the wedding plans.”

His voice was as calm and collected as when he talked about anything else, even as he retold the story of his greatest failure. “The entire time we were together, she acted nothing at all like the Cadance I knew. It should have been completely obvious to me that something was seriously wrong. But because of the spell, it was...” he shook his head. “All the love I had for Cadance went straight to Chrysalis, even though they were nothing at all alike. Chrysalis only had to say the word, and I would ignore everything she was doing. She had me give her all the details of the Royal Guard's defensive strategies, for Celestia's sake! And I did it! That's why the changelings beat the guards so easily after my shield was broken. They knew exactly what we would do, and how to counter it. Because of me.”

“It was only after the spell was broken that I could see how obvious all the signs were. But I wasn't walking around in a dreamlike haze until then. Twilight never said that I was acting strangely, and neither did anypony else. I was behaving perfectly normally, and everything seemed perfectly normal to me. So given that, how am I supposed to tell the difference between which of my feelings are real and which aren't?”

“Of course, Cadance had everything much worse than me. She spent two weeks locked in a cave, kept barely alive so Chrysalis could mock her from above, telling her how her fiancee didn't even notice she was gone.”

Shining Armor sighed. “Cadance did nothing wrong, she didn't fail to see what was happening right under her muzzle, she didn't fail to see the difference between her fiancee and an impostor. That was all me. I left the love of my life to die because I couldn't resist one mind-altering spell. Some Captain of the Royal Guard, huh?”

The story itself was awful, but there was a surprisingly light tone to the telling, a streak of self-deprecating humor in the knight's voice that Big Mac hadn't expected to hear. “You got through it alright, though,” the farmer said.

Shining nodded. “Things could have been very different. In the Royal Guard, when I was just a cadet, I saw stallions stronger than I'll ever be who were broken by their memories of what they had seen and done in the Griffon Wars. Princess Celestia had seen it happen to too many ponies, and she approached me after the battle to talk to me about it. She told me she wanted a Captain of the Guard who would learn from his mistakes, but not be haunted by them, and wanted to make sure I was alright and had all the support I could need.”

“So I talked it out very well and very early,” Shining said. “The Princess wanted to get me to work through it all while it was still fresh, and she really has a way with words. Ponies think she's this ethereal, unapproachable thing, but I've never met a pony so concerned and so in touch with the thoughts and feelings of those around her. Just talking to her eased my mind, like magic. She got us both, me and Cadance, to explore all our feelings about what had happened, together. Then we went on our honeymoon.” He chuckled. “That helped too.”

“And ya trust that you and yer wife are both fine?” Big Mac asked.

“Yeah, we got through it,” Shining Armor said with a smile. “And I'm sure you will too, Mac.”

“But you're married to the princess of love,” Big Mac pressed on, watching Shining Armor intently. “She can make love with – Ah mean, she can create love with her own magic. How can ya be sure yer love for her is any more real than yer love for Chrysalis was?”

“Where does love come from, anyway?” Shining Armor asked. “Some ponies think Cadance can just force love on anypony she pleases, like a walking love potion. Others think she can only wake love that's already there, and bring it to the surface. How can I be sure?”

Big Mac didn't respond, but sat quietly watching the unicorn.

Shining Armor stretched back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling. “Well, I could say that if Cadance wanted to snatch herself a husband with magic she could have done much better than me,” he began. “I could say that when we first met I was just a nopony, spending my evenings at home playing Oubliettes and Ogres and Hocuspocus: The Get-Together with my friends, or practicing on my flugelhorn.” He chuckled, and sat up straight. “That's not a euphemism for anything, incidentally, I actually played the flugelhorn. I could say that she could have had any rich and powerful stallion she could lay her eyes on. I could say that the first time we met, I fell in love at first sight of her, and that she had no reason to want to use magic on this random gangly teenage geek of a colt. But the truth is, I just don't need a reason. How can I be sure?” He shrugged, and smiled wistfully. “I suppose I can't, really. But I am. I could doubt anything else in the world. But I can never doubt my love for Cadance.”

Big Mac struggled not to jolt in his cramped seat when he felt a shiver run down his spine. He also couldn't be sure. Maybe it was just a trick of the light. Maybe it was because the white unicorn had turned slightly, and his face was suddenly in the shadow. Or maybe, for just a split second while he spoke, his eyes had changed color.

Author's Note

The story of Shining Armor and Cadance at the Canterlot Academy, and Shining Armor's career as a tabletop gaming geek and flugelhorn player, is in issue 11 and 12 of the MLP comic books.

Session 3

It had been a week since the second session. Big Mac had deferred making another appointment, saying he'd get in touch when he had the time, knowing as he said it that he had no intention of doing so. He dodged Applejack's questions, and returned to his work.

That night, he could not sleep, and found himself wandering the fields of Sweet Apple Acres. He walked back the west orchard, where the fruit bats took over, and walked under their multi-colored forms, not paying attention as the colors shifted, and the bats turned to flowers, and the trees turned to columns of white marble hung with wreaths and climbing vines. The flutter of wings caught his attention, and he turned to see a dark figure land softly in the grass.

“Good evening to you, Macintosh Apple,” said Princess Luna. “Welcome to my garden.”

Big Mac blinked, his eyes wide in surprise. “Urm. Good evenin', yer highness.” He bit his lip. “Ah didn't mean to intrude. Ah, uh, Ah didn't realize ya had a garden next door to the orchard. Ah'll just be headin' back to mah side of the fence.”

“It was us – I mean, I who brought you here, Big Macintosh. Sir Armor and miss Applejack asked me if I could help you,” the princess said, stepping closer to the earth pony. “We are in our dreams.”

“Well, thats mighty kind of ya, yer highness,” Big Mac said, shuffling uncomfortably. “But there's no need.” He took a step backwards and made to retreat from the garden. “Ah'm just a simple farmer, Ah don't want to take up yer—” Luna placed a hoof against his mouth, silencing him.

“The lowest creature in Equestria is not beneath my notice, or unworthy of my time,” Luna said softly, looking into his eyes, “and you are greater than you imagine, Macintosh Apple. Please stay, and speak with me?”

Big Mac hesitated, but nodded, and was met with a mysterious, ethereal smile. “Walk with me,” she said, and turned, and the two of them walked through the garden.

“Really, though,” the farmer said, looking around awkwardly for any convenient exit. “What y'said was... very kind. But Ah don't know why everypony's going to this trouble. Ah ain't anypony important. That's mah sister's job.”

“It's a strange feeling, to be reminded unexpectedly that those around us care about us, not only in the abstract, but in the most direct and immediate way,” Luna said, nodding. “I forgot that once, as everypony now remembers.” She glanced at the stallion walking beside her. “We go to the trouble, Macintosh Apple, because we care, and because we think you need it. Is that so difficult to believe?”

He blushed, and turned away. “...It ain't no big deal. Ah'll be jus' fine on mah own.”

“You agreed to speak to a therapist,” Luna said. “That is a difficult thing to do, for most. There must have been a pressing cause, was there not?”

Big Mac snorted. “Eeyup. Her name's Applejack.” He shuddered. “...Ah ain't going back to Turner again. Nope.”

“Perhaps you'd prefer to speak to me?” Luna asked. “All due respect to doctor Turner, but I have more experience.”

“That so?” Big Mac raised an eyebrow. “No offense, yer highness, but Ah'm not sure a princess is what Ah need to fix mah busted noggin.”

“I am the guardian of dreams, Macintosh Apple,” Luna said solemnly. “Since the night I earned my crown, it has been my duty to nurture the minds of our little ponies, to ensure that they grow strong and beautiful, and to clear their minds of the things that would prevent their growth. Like a gardener, of sorts.” She stopped their wandering and gestured to the moonlit growth all around them. “Do you like my garden?”

Big Mac looked around, and nodded. “It's nice.”

“Just nice?” Luna raised an eyebrow.

Big Mac shrugged. “Ah don't much care for spendin' mah energy on pretty things, when there's work to be done.”

“There is more to ponies than only their work,” Luna said, conjuring up the image of a rose from the ground between them. “And yet, I find there is a beauty in utility, in seeing our little ponies grow strong and able. Your farm is very beautiful, even if that was not the driving thought behind it. But every pony needs something besides only their work. Every pony needs a garden.” She looked up into his eyes. “Tell me of your garden, Macintosh Apple.”

“Ah...” Big Mac struggled to think of an answer. He thought of Sweet Apple Acres: the largest apple farm for countless miles around, with hundreds of apple trees giving fruit that got shipped out all across Equestria. But that's work, he thought to himself. He thought of evenings spent playing board games with Apple Bloom in front of the fireplace, or summer days spent swimming in the pond with his siblings, Granny Smith watching from behind her knitting on her rocking chair. He thought back to when he was just a foal, carrying baby Applejack on his back, her tiny legs holding tight around his neck as he galloped under the trees, her gurgling baby laugh filling his ears. Then he thought of the nightmares, and he shuddered.

“Ah grow apples,” he said, turning his head away. “That's all Ah do.”

They sat in silence for a minute by a pond, watching silver fish swimming in the moonlight.

“Do you remember when we met?” Luna asked.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said, thinking back to the Summer Wrap-Up Festival and Hoedown. “The games were fun.”

“Indeed, they were most fun,” Luna said, and smiled. “It was a day most enjoyable to me, and I thank you for agreeing to compete by my side. But in truth, that was not the first time we met.”

“...Nope?” Big Mac answered.

“You may not remember,” Luna said, “but I have visited your dreams before I spoke to you at that festival. Do you know why I chose you to be my partner?”

“Ah think ya said something about me bein' big and strong and likely to win,” Big Mac said, thinking back to the moment when he was trying to escape the crowd and find the hardware store.

“That was a touch duplicitous on my part,” Luna admitted. “I felt you needed a nudge to set you on the right path.”

The farmer halted, blinking as he thought about what he had just heard.

“Y'mean you did that on purpose to keep me at the festival?” He asked, a dangerous undertone to his voice.

She nodded. “I did. I felt there were things you needed more than nails. I wanted you to let go of your work for a night, simply enjoy yourself, and perhaps learn to listen to your own heart—”

“Ah don't like being lied to,” he growled, glaring at her. “Ah'm gonna be headin' home, now, yer highness.” He turned from her shocked face and trotted away.

“I only want to help you,” she said from behind him.

“Ah don't need yer help,” he called back. “Ah didn't ask for any help. Ah can buck mah trees just fine as Ah am... Ah'm sick of ponies thinkin' they need to 'help' me. Jus' leave me alone!”

Luna rolled her eyes. “You think it is weakness to admit that you are in pain?” she cried after him. “Don't be a child!”

“Ah ain't in pain,” Big Mac muttered to himself, glaring down at the path in front of him. Suddenly there were silver-slippered hooves and midnight-blue legs in front of him. He looked up. “Very funny, princess. Where's the way out?”

“I swore to Sir Armor and your sister that I would help you,” she said coldly. “I am patient, my little pony, but not infinitely so. I am asking you to please calm down—”

“Or what?” Big Mac spat. “Or you'll make me? Well if you're gonna do it then do it, but don't ask me to be happy about it. Ah don't need any more magic messin' with mah brain!”

Luna's eyes widened in shock. “You think I would do that?”

“Don't act dumb,” Big Mac grunted. “Yer literally walkin' around inside mah mind. Ya just need ta light up yer horn and ya can make me think or feel anythin' ya want, like yer sister and yer niece did to Shining Armor.” He snorted, and nodded. “Yup, Ah noticed.”

With a thud, Luna fell to her knees, her face bowed down. Big Mac hesitated, and watched her intently.

“The only time such a thought ever wormed its way into my mind, my sister imprisoned me a million miles away,” Luna said, her voice heavy with the sorrow of centuries, “so that I could never harm a living soul.” When she raised her head again Big Mac saw tears in the corners of her eyes. “Do you truly believe we would ever do such a thing?”

Big Mac took a step back, and defensively muttered, “Ah can't be sure... Ah saw...”

“Your own sister bears the Element of Honesty,” Luna said, rising back up onto her hooves. “Do you think she would permit any of us to do such a thing to her kin? I have known her but briefly, but I know she would kick down the gates of Canterlot Castle by herself to challenge us if we ever did. Because she loves you,” Luna looked into his eyes, and the tears were running now. “You, and me, and Shining Armor alike... we have sisters that love us. And when we do not trust even ourselves... we should trust them. I learned that the hard way, as did Shining Armor.” She took a gentle step forward. “Will you trust in those who love you?”

Big Mac shivered softly, closed his eyes, and nodded. “...Alright,” he said. “I'll talk.”

Luna drew closer, slowly, as though approaching a frightened animal that might bolt at any moment. “I only wish to help you,” she said. “Sir Armor told me you fear your own heart.”

Big Mac winced. “...Ah wouldn't put it like that.”

“My pardon if I have offended,” Luna said. “But you have suffered nightmares, have you not?” He nodded. “Will you tell me of them?”

Big Mac gulped. “There's a bunch of different ones. But the main one, Ah guess, is the one with the weddin'.” He paused, nervous. Luna watched him attentively, and nodded for him to continue. “It was... me an' miss Cheerilee, gettin' married. In the town hall, with all of Ponyville there, and all the Apples from all over Equestria, and even yerself, yer highness, and yer sister were there, celebratin'.” His voice was beginning to crack. “And... and I'm standing there, and Mayor Mare asks, do Ah take miss Cherilee to be mah wife, and Ah say yes, but... but it ain't me speakin', Ah'm just staring out from behind mah own eyes, and Ah'm watchin' everythin' happen, but Ah ain't doin' anythin', and Ah ain't feelin' anythin'. And everypony cheers and stomps, and we kiss... an Ah feel nothin'.”

“There's others,” Big Mac continued. “There's the one where we're all at Granny Smith's funeral. There's the one where Rainbow Dash comes walkin', limpin' really, into Sweet Apple Acres with tears runnin' down her face to tell us that Applejack isn't coming home from their latest adventure.” He was looking down at the grassy ground now, unwilling to face her while he spoke. “There's the one where Apple Bloom finally gets her cutie mark, and Ah want to be proud of her, but every time, in every one, Ah can't feel a thing, like Ah'm dead inside mah heart. An' every time, I wake up soaked in cold sweat, and fight to keep from cryin' till sunrise.”

He felt Luna's hoof on his shoulder and looked up into her eyes. “You never open yourself up to anypony, do you?” Luna asked quietly, sadly. “You rarely venture beyond the borders of your farm, and you speak but little. You always work, and never allow yourself to be distracted from your labors. I have seen what waits down that path. You will only find pain there.”

“Ah have t'keep the farm going for mah family,” Mac muttered. “They count on me to get it done. Ah'm the biggest and the strongest.”

“Your nightmares warn you of the cost of sacrificing yourself too much,” Luna said. “If you continue like this, then some day there may be no more left of you to share.”

She sat down in front of him. “Learn to let go. You are safe here.”

Big Mac felt the emotions building up behind his ribs. The little wants, the strange fears, the joys he did not share. The things he kept sealed away, that no other pony knew. The small and inconsequential things that gave him practice, and kept the mask sitting tightly. He felt it pushing against the seal, and he released it.

The tears finally came as Luna took hold of him and held him close, like a mother comforting her child, and he cried.

“There is a seed in your heart, Big Macintosh,” he heard her voice in his ear as he cried. “But it cannot grow while your heart is choked. You have felt a hollow phantasm of love many times, and now you fear that is all there is. Each time, a weed has taken root in your heart, sucking out the life-giving energy that should be feeding your love. I have looked within your heart, and what waits there is beautiful. When the seed blossoms, your love could be the greatest love in all the land, perhaps even the world. But first, the weeds must be cleared away.” She let go of him and sat back.

Big Mac nodded, and wiped his muzzle with his leg. “How can Ah do that?”

“As you would tend to your farm,” Luna said. “With constant labor. Caring for growing things is hard work, and our fears, like weeds, keep coming back to trouble us. But continue to pull the weeds out, and your seed will have time to grow. Go out a-nights, Big Macintosh. Make friends. Dance. Lay your concerns aside for a time, and seek out joy among other ponies. It is not an easy thing to do, but,” she smiled, “I think you can find the strength to do it.”

Something in her voice made Big Mac wary, and he glanced up at her horn, searching for the telltale glow of magic. He pulled back from her, and she looked surprised.

“Thank you for yer time, yer highness,” Big Mac said. “Really. But... it's still only words. If this is a dream, and you're the ruler of dreams, y'can probably spin mah mind around however y'want, make me feel whatever pleases ya. If Ah wake up tomorrow happy and refreshed, and feel Ah can suddenly do everythin' Ah usually couldn't, then Ah'm just gonna think is this real? Or is this just Princess Luna's magic, like the love potion, makin' me feel somethin' that aint true?” He looked at her sadly. “How can Ah know for sure? And if Ah can't... then Ah'm afraid yer' just wastin' yer time on me.”

Luna seemed to deflate, her head lowering. “I see,” she said. “Yes, this is a dream. Yes, perhaps you will doubt everything you have seen, upon waking. I would not rob you of your doubt, or force faith on you, even if it were in my power. Your mind is your own. But I want you to promise me something, Big Macintosh.”

“What's that?”

“Never give up hope,” Luna said, locking her sight with his. “If you feel tempted to do so, speak of it. Remember that even if it is difficult for you to feel love, you have others who love you. You, like Shining Armor, and I... all of us have family who love us.”

Their path had let them around the garden, and now they stood at the archway above the gate to Sweet Apple Acres. A bright glow surrounded it, which Big Mac had never seen before. “What's that?”

“Love,” Luna said simply. “All those who came here before you have planted it, and watched it grow. Your parents laid their hearts in the soil, and through it, you see it grow every year.”

They looked up at it. “It is only an image in a dream,” Luna said, “but the love is true. It is only waiting for you to feel it.”

Big Mac nodded, and followed the path to his home.

Author's Note

They say the Director's Cut ending implies Big Mac is a replicant.

My thanks to my editor, finderofstuff, and to Devas, Keam, and Digital Media Disk who read and commented on my drafts as I was writing them.
-Daedelean.