Juggernaut in Equestria

by A-Fox

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Adventure, Crossover, Human
Length: 16552

When Charles Xavier finally has enough of his asshole brother the Juggernaut (The Baddest motherfucker on the world) he exiles him to another dimension, unfortunately, now the ponies have to deal with him. Based after My Way Entertainment's vide

Cain “The Juggernaut” Marko has long been a major pain in Charles Xavier’s ass, and now he’s fucked up his mansion for the last time.

Using a trans-dimensional transporter, he chooses to finally solve his “Juggernaut problem” by warping him into a parallel dimension and finally keep him out of his hair (metaphorically speaking, ‘cause he’s bald as a bean.)

However, the device sent the Juggernaut into Equestria, and now the realm has to deal with a massive, superpowered, dimwitted, perverted thug who refuses to quit his rampage through Equestria. Things get out of hand when more reprobate superhumans, such as Xavier’s own X-Men and the Juggernaut’s co-thugs Pimp Cane Padrino and Ketchup wind up in Equestria to wreak even more havoc…especially after a dimension traveling group of villains and murderers that even the Juggernaut’s disgusted by show up.

This Fanfic is based after My Way Entertainment’s “The Juggernaut Bitch!” videos, and is possibly the only “My Way Entertainment” fanfiction ever written. And as such is intended to emulate the crude, vulgar, and perverted sense of humor shown in the videos, so if that kind of thing offends you…you probably shouldn’t read this.
The X-Men characters shown here will have their portrayals from the videos…but the residents of Equestria will remain true to their characters.

Cover is by White-Tigress-12158 of deviantART

Published 2014-03-29 02:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-10 20:32:30 UTC

One Hell of a Wake-Up call

Author's Note

(Alright, now just to reiterate, this FiMfiction is intended for fans of the ‘Juggernaut Bitch’ videos from My Way Entertainment, and this story contains dark rape jokes and if that kind of things offends you then you shouldn't read it, and besides this is especially aimed at those who like the Juggernaut Bitch videos so if you're not familiar with them you should watch them before reading this, if you like them that's good but if you don't then this story will probably not be your cup of tea.
Oh, and if you haven’t seen the Juggernaut videos, here’s one that should clearly illustrate just what kind of maniac is being unleashed upon Equestria…

One Hell of a Wake-Up call

Professor Charles Xavier woke up with a splitting headache brought on by a very long party the previous night.
That was the last time he’d mix that Russian vodka with paint thinner, LSD, those crazy mushrooms, and diet coke…or so he thought, because the next time the opportunity came, his brain would tell itself ‘fuck this’ and do it anyways.
Still, the day looked promising, everything was quiet in spite of his hangover, birds were chirping, the wind was blowing…
“YEAH! JUGGERNAUT’S HERE BITCH!!!”
The Juggernaut was invading the lawn and bursting through the mansions defenses.
Xavier’s eyes widened up as he passed the window ‘Wait, what the fuck was that?’
He hurriedly scrolled back to see his psychotic pervert of a brother Cain Marko, AKA The Goddamn Juggernaut…Bitch!, as he stomped right up the lawn and shrugging off the fire of the security missile turrets like piss through toilet paper.
“Oh Goddammit!” He groaned, his asshole brother was here again, about to mess his shit up again!
He yelled right out the window “Get away you crazy motherfucker! What the fuck is it this time?!”
“Hey Charles! You got some goddamn money you little bald bitch?! Jugg’s got a meth fueled blood orgy at twelve with the Invisible Man, Michael Jordan, a mule and five thousand hookers! Juggie needs his money!!!”
Charles cringed as the reprogrammed, pimped out Sentinel he bought was eviscerated by the Goddamn Juggernaut’s bare hands, it was always the same, without fail the Juggernaut would constantly show up at his house to trash it for some reason or another.
Well that was about to end, Charles had finally got something to make this motherfucker leave him alone for good, he just needed him to get inside the house…

~

“Welcome to the afterparty bitch! Jugg’s here motherfuckers!!!” Roared the Juggernaut as he burst through the front door for the umpteenth time.
“Where the fuck’s the silver? Jugg’s gotta custom make a pimp bus at two and I gotta fuck a goat at one!”
“Get a goddamn room you hairy fuck!”
Charles Xavier was standing several feet away with a look of pure pissed off rage…with a very large laser gun attached to his wheelchair.
The Juggernaut was currently trying to stuff a suit of armor into the duffel bag he brought, being too stupid to realize the armor was too large to fit inside.
“Hey Charles, you got any bitches up there?! I gotta get my balls sucked!”
“Shut up you motherfucking asshole! Do you know how many motherfucking times you’ve broke my Goddamn house?!”
“I don’t give a fuck Charles, now where’s my goddamn whisky? And a car. I gotta fuck something, and it ain’t gonna be you, you bald headed little bitch!”
“That’s what I’m talking about, you fucking menace! Every time I want to get my freak on you keep on trying to rip my house open. I’ve had enough!”
“Hahaha! Charles, you and yo’ goddamn X-hoes ain’t gonna stop me this time, don’t you know who I am, I’m-”
Charles glared right at his stepbrother and pressed a button on his wheelchair, sending out a laser that struck the Juggernaut, and with a shimmering glow, he vanished.
If Charles’ legs hadn’t been broken due to a perversion based elephant mishap, he’d dance for joy.
“Fuckin’ A! That motherfucking salesman didn’t lie, that asshole’s gone! Somebody get me some hookers! Tonight I fucking party!”
You see, that laser was in fact a device intended to send people and objects into alternate universes and dimensions, and he’d bought it for the sole purpose of getting the Juggernaut to leave him alone by sending him to some other world and make him somebody else’s problem.
However, Charles didn’t properly read the instructions and instead of sending him to Mephisto’s Realm like he’d planned, he’d activated the ‘randomization’ setting, so he sent him somewhere else.
And given that this is a FiMfiction, it’s very obvious just where Juggernaut went…may Celestia show the ponies mercy, because the Juggernaut doesn’t have time for that shit.

~

“-The Juggernaut Bitch!” the large red garbed lunatic bellowed as he pointed towards himself as he arrogantly proclaimed his name very loudly.
As he finished, he finally realized he was transported somewhere he didn’t recognize.
It looked like some kind of spooky and barely traveled forest (AKA the Everfree Forest), with a barely visible path.
“What the fuck? Charles, did you put me in a goddamn hippy park again? I’m gonna beat your ass. You just fucked with the wrong nigga, don’t you know who I am? I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch!”
The Juggernaut was about to stomp off when he noticed a small scooter (with a small cart attached to it) in his path “A scooter? Fuck that, I can’t even fuck that thing it’s so small, I’m gonna smash it against this tree!”
He did so.
And with the brutal murder of the scooter, he began to stomp off down the path, hoping to find Charles and beat the shit out of him...and rape his wheelchair afterwards, he just didn’t give a damn.
But what he didn’t realize is just where he really was.

~

Apple Bloom plucked another thorn out of her hide and sighed “Well girls, ah guess we ain’t gonna get ‘Cutie Mark Crusader Butterfly Catching’ cutie marks after all.”
Sweetie Belle nodded in agreement as she pulled a cocklebur (one of many) out of her fur “I know…who would have thought that butterfly would lead us into the thorn and bush full of these…sticky things.”
“Or that Ursa Major den” Scootaloo added, remembering how they ran out of there like a bat out of Hell.
“Ah know, let’s head over to the clubhouse and figure out what-”
They all paused and stood in shock when they finally made it to the path, Scootaloo’s scooter was smashed, and there were some very large footprints in the ground.
Scootaloo broke down sobbing “Why! WHY! Who would do such a thing?!...I just bought that little bell for it and everything!”
Apple Bloom sniffed and looked right at the tracks “Girls…ah don’t think Diamond Tiara did this.”
Sweetie Belle shuddered at the remains of the scooter “Y-yeah, they couldn’t have broke it like this.”
“And these tracks…they’re heading towards Ponyville.”
Scootaloo got up from weeping over her smashed scooter and gave her two cents “Let’s get him! This jerk broke my scooter!”
The three little foals, not even realizing what they were about to experience, agreed and began to hurry off in the direction of the footsteps.
“Cutie Mark Scooter Avengers! Yay!”
And that’s the beginning of the story of how the Juggernaut wreaked havoc in Equestria…and wound up saving it.

The Baddest Motherbucker on the World

Author's Note

(Welcome to round two! Today we have the Cutie Mark Crusaders attempting to avenge Scootaloo’s scooter with some clever traps…which don’t work because they’re using them against the Goddamn Juggernaut, Bitch! Also, the first member of the Mane Six to run into this deranged motherfucker appears soon, and right off the bat she’s pissed off by him. Also, I’d like to add now that there’ll be references to other My Way Entertainment videos in this and following chapters.)

The Baddest Motherbucker on the World

The self proclaimed “Baddest motherfucker on the World” stomped down the path through the Everfree Forest, and the normally deadly beasts were (rightly) scared shitless (literally, they kept on shitting themselves) when they saw him and kept running away.
“Yeah!” Boomed the egocentric bastard as he smirked “Keep running bitch! Juggernaut’s here, assholes! And you better run, otherwise you’re guest of honor at the rape party!”
The massive human kept on stomping his way through the forest, he didn’t know where his little bitch of a brother threw him, but when he got back, the X-Mansion would have to be renamed ‘X-I-Got-Fucked-By-The-Goddamn-Juggernaut’ and Charles’d have to spit shine his boots. For now his main interest was to find a place to rest for a minute…and get some pussy, he didn’t give a damn where he got it, but he’d prefer something sapient.
As he wondered about a deep philosophical question (‘Why is everyone else such a pussy?’) he was struck with an answer.
Well, actually, it wasn’t an answer, just a large log that swooped down on a rope and knocked him over.
“What the fuck!” He exclaimed “The mothafucking trees are attacking me? I only raped that one Redwood and I’m still pulling the splinters outta mah suit! Get the fuck away from me!”
The Juggernaut got to his feet and glared off in the direction the tree had fallen from, stomping off towards it “Come on bitch! I gotta get myself something to fuck soon, and you is just pissing me off! LEROY JENKINS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!”
The man took off into a charge, unwittingly stepping into a bear trap…which just shattered under his feet “There go your goddamn tinkertoys!”
He could hear something scurrying several yards away, somehow keeping ahead of him by using the trees as cover, and he was sure they were behind a nearby bush.
But these idiots couldn’t have known, he’s the Goddamn Juggernaut Bitch! He’ll just knock them down.
“I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay, jerkoffs!” Cain Marko roared as he just kept on smashing through the trees like a man running through water, it didn’t matter how long they were there or how sturdy they looked, they hadn’t stood up to the unstoppable force that was the Juggernaut and his 13-inch stiffie.
Within minutes he’d cleared the space between his attackers and was about to catch them “Oh yeah bitch! You cannot run!”
“We can to!” retorted a small Texas accented voice from behind a bush, where he was positive they were hiding.
The Juggernaut’s mood (and stiffie) suddenly died as he realized how young that voice sounded “What the fuck?!” He yelled, yanking away the bush.
Before him lay three small horses, one with yellow fur and a red mane with a bow, another having white fur and pink/purple hair plus she had a goddamn horn on her head, the last one having orange fur, a short purple mane, and a disturbingly small pair of wings.
While he could easily tell they were sapient he could also tell they were children, and he had just one thing to say.
“What the fuck!!! You’re children, you been watching motherfucking Home Alone?! I oughta beat the shit outta you!”
The three small horses registered they had indeed heard him and starting running off in a pack.
“Aw Hell no, bitches, you cannot run” the Juggernaut growling, hurriedly ripping a tree out of the ground and threw it like a javelin, cutting the horses right off.
“Ah!” screamed the unicorn, obviously frightened (and rightly so) as the Goddamn Juggernaut stomped towards them.
“Bitch! You think you could run? I’m the only person to fuck Statue of Liberty, once witnessed Chewbacca playing the bagpipes out his ass. Also threw the President across the ocean, broke outta The Raft using just a used condom and mah Goddamn dick, and beat the shit outta Steven Seagal when the motherfucker wouldn’t give me the motherfucking time. Don’t you know who I am?!”
The three little, trembling foals shook their heads no.
“Then you must not know who I am, I’M THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH!!!”
“P-p-pleased to meet you, M-mr. Juggernaut.” The bow wearing horse quiveringly replied.
The human grew a smug grin and crossed his arms “My father was an asshole, you can just call me Juggernaut, or the Goddamn Juggernaut, or The Juggernaut-who-has-a-thirteen-inch-sausage.”
“Wh-whatever” the Pegasus said “Wh-what are you doing here?”
“Look here bitch, my goal here isn’t to beat the shit outta you…I’m just motherfucking frustrated. I just got thrown in this Goddamn hippy commune by my Goddamn pussy of a brother while trying to rob his Goddamn house so I could fuck until my nuts fall off. I am hungry and horny as all fuck; I need food and pussy immediately. Y’know?”
Now bare in mind that various words aren’t present in Equestria, the word fuck, for example is replaced with the word buck (though it has a different meaning too, lol), Hell with hay (funny how the explicative was named after one of their foods), and so on. However, while the word ‘pussy’ still has the same meaning, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were unaware of its meaning (same goes for the word bitch.)
Now as the Juggernaut made it clear he actually wasn’t intending to hurt them and actually had a very rough day, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were starting to get out of their total panic. Not realizing that leading him to town was only going to make things worse.
“Pussy?” the bow wearing horse questioned.
“Yeah horse” the red wearing, musclebound oaf grunted “You know where I can get any?”
The horse narrowed her eyes a little “Juggernaut, we ain’t horses, we’re ponies.”
“Whatever bitch, you know where I can find some?”
“Ah have a name too. It’s Apple Bloom.”
The human chortled “Apple Bloom? That’s a fucking weird name, I told Freddy Krueger once that his name sucked and the motherfucker tried to cut my Goddamn head off. But I was too quick and shoved his own gloved hand up his fucking ass.”
Apple Bloom’s eyebrow rose, “So you shoved his hand into a donkey?”
“Sure, whatever, could you just get me outta here?! I’m hungry as a goddamn bear after a five month pot binge!”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders weren’t exactly reassured by any of this, but at least it was clear that he wasn’t trying to attack them.
As the little foals started to lead the red giant back towards Ponyville, they quietly began to discuss a plan among themselves.
Scootaloo began said discussion.
“Guys, I don’t like the sound of this guy, he just smashed up my scooter for no reason! I say we give him the works.”
Sweetie Belle shook her head, “I dunno Scootaloo, he didn’t even flinch when we smashed the tree into him, and he didn’t even feel the bear trap.”
“Don’t worry girls, I know how to handle him, let’s see if he really is just hungry and-”
“Quit talking you little motherfuckers!” Roared the Juggernaut “I’m hungry! I want a taco, fried emu, and a truckload of motherfuckin’ Rocky Island oysters!”
The three little foals immediately quieted down and began to trot off to the road, with the Juggernaut stomping along behind them.
And as they moved towards the town, they quietly discussed a new plan.
As Sweet Apple Acres was nearby, they’d lead the Juggernaut there and let him have a snack of the apples. And while Scootaloo initially objected, she changed her mind when Apple Bloom pointed out something very important, and that happened to be Applejack, who wouldn’t let him go too far once she caught him eating their apples…

~

Applejack trotted out onto the porch and yawned, she’d had a good night’s rest and was ready to go applebucking (and we don’t mean ‘as in having sexual relations with apples’ here), last day’s work was long, hard, and exhausting…but so worth it.
“Hoo boy” the orange furred cowpony yawned “Breakfast was good, time tah-”
And lo, like a giant space flea who wants to fuck up your movie, a massive tremor shook the ground and knocked Applejack off her hooves.
“What the hay?!” The Apple family’s most enthusiastic apple farmer exclaimed as she got back to her hooves “What was that? Felt like a damn dragon’s been practicing his cannonballs on the ground.”
“Uh, Applejack?” Said the small voice of her kid sister Apple Bloom (and Applejack cursed mentally for having used foul language around foals), as she meekly walked right up to the porch, with her friends Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo by her.
“Apple Bloom! What’s happening? Did you try to get that dragon taming Cutie Mark again?”
Sweetie Belle cringed at the thought of that spectacularly unsuccessful attempt to find their special talent, while Scootaloo beamed with pride, so what if they had to run for their lives, she and her (soon to be avenged) scooter could outrun a dragon’s breath!
“Nah, it ain’t lahke that” Apple Bloom insisted, shaking her head “We were out in the Everfree Forest, trying to get our Cutie Marks, when some giant two legged jerk in a red helmet smashed Scootaloo’s scooter.”
Scootaloo punched her forehoof into the…palm (whatever the hell they call it) of her other hoof “There’ll be hay to pay!”
Apple Bloom carried on “We tried tah set some traps to get even with him, but he just shrugged them off and chased us. Turns out he was incredibly hungry, and he needed to find town.”
“But that doesn’t excuse him from being a tremendous jerk!” Sweetie Belle groaned “And he’s weird too.”
Applejack flicked her ponytail up “Now Sweetie Belle, just because somepony’s funny looking-”
“Well he was funny looking, he looks like one of those creatures Miss Heartstrings is so obsessed with…it’s just that he acts weird.”
Scootaloo nodded in agreement “Yeah, he yelled everything he said, on the way here he claimed it was the only way he could breath.”
“And he kept saying he wanted some pussy” Sweetie Belle continued, not picking up on the surprised and disturbed look Applejack grew (which to Apple Bloom reminded her of that weird face Twilight Sparkle made after eating a brownie) after hearing this “I told him I could bring him to Opal, and he seemed to be glad. I think he might be a cat pony.”
Applejack breathed a sigh of relief…right until Scootaloo added “He also kept on saying he was ‘horny as a motherfucker’ whatever that meant.”
“Oh!” Apple Bloom exclaimed, suddenly remembering something “He also kept rambling on about something or other, like ‘I gotta fuck a penguin with some jelly donuts and a gold plated penis pump’ or ‘I gotta fuck a donkey while having jello thrown at mah nuts while listening to Freddy Mercury’, to be honest I don’t get what any o’ that means. Or why he was put there in the first place. By the way, what’s a hippy commune?”
Applejaw- whoops, I mean Applejack’s jaw dropped down five sizes that day…she didn’t know just what she was dealing with, but she knew that anypony this crude to hold these weird fetishes (seriously, who honestly wants to have sex while somepony pitches jello at them) and openly talk about them near foals was bad news. Somepony had to do something about this, and she was just the mare to do this.
Applejack narrowed her eyes “What’s this guy call himself?”
“He kept calling himself the Goddamn Juggernaut…Bitch” Apple Bloom answered.
Applejack hit a new low…with her jaw.
“Girls…somepony go get Twilight…I’m going to have a few words with Mr. Bitch…”

~

“Oh yeah!” Juggernaut roared “Now this shit’d only be better if I had some goddamn antifreeze and some motherfucking chickens!”
The Juggernaut was incredibly horny and hungry, though the latter problem was solved after being led to these apple orchids by those ponies. He didn’t know where they were now, but he didn’t give a damn.
He’d stomped down about five trees worth of apples and had already gobbled them all up, not leaving even cores.
This left one more problem, he was still incredibly horny and wouldn’t use the children for that. He might be a pervert with insanely perverted perversions, but even he had limits.
But Jugg was alright, and he was currently dealing with his horniness in a very disturbing way…
“Hey! What the buck are you doing to mah apple trees?!”
Yes, the Juggernaut was having sex with a tree…nature chose to grow a hole in the wrong place on this hunk of wood.
The magic fueled metahuman growled and turned his head over “Hey bitch! You don’t see me interrupting you when you tryin’ ta bust a nut?”
Several yards away stood a very pissed off looking orange pony with blonde hair in a ponytail, a cowboy hat, and a tattoo of three apples on her flank.
“Well ah don’t buck trees you perv! (well, not like that I mean) What’s the big idea, trying ta hurt my little sister and talk about the most depraved things imaginable…while she can hear it?!!!”
The Juggernaut rolled his eyes and…withdrew himself from the tree “Silly bitch! I can do whatever the fuck I want, don’t you know who I am? I’m the Juggernaut bitch!”
The pony’s eyes narrowed “You wanna make something of…” Her voice trailed off as she realized he didn’t pull up his pants “C-could you make yourself decent?”
“Fuck you bitch! I can’t do that, I’m horny as all fuck, and I gotta screw, I got a thirteen inch dick and everything!”
“A-ah can see that.”
“And you’re next! I just gotta get the goddamn ice cubes, a Cadillac engine, and a motherfucking Doberman pincer!”
Applejack’s jaw dropped “What the- Ain’t no way in Tartarus ah’ll be bucking with you! We only just met and ah can already tell yer a total degenerate!”
“Says a goddamn hillbilly who’s never even fucked a chicken! Don’t you know who I am? I personally teabagged Kim Jong-Il’s corpse, joined Gangsta Crizzab in snorting cocaine off a hooker’s ass while she was fellating a rubber duck while listening to his hit ‘I Like Emus: Fuck ‘em in the Ass’, joined Dennis Frogman in blowing up a church, and personally ate a car because I was drunk as Hell at the time. You couldn’t measure up to that, I swear to Goddamn God!”
“Who’d want to do any of that?!” The disturbed Applejack yelled back.
“I! The Goddamn Juggernaut would! You disturbed my treefucking! I didn’t even get out a pogo stick or a tractor yet. So now you gotta pay me back for fucking up my game!”
Applejack was very suspicious at this point, something told her this wasn’t going to end well for her and she needed to be on her guard “Ah don’t think either of us want that.”
“Well I do, now you got two choices here, either you can give me what I want, or I can take it. Fuck you in the head…blow your brains out, ‘cause I’m the Goddamn Juggernaut Bitch! I’ll even get out my kickboxing equipment and my autographed photo of Pretty Tony that I took when he was beating up his hoes!”
Before Apple Jack could say anything, the Juggernaut quickly leapt up into the air and landed just a couple of feet away from her.
The pervert wriggled his hands devilishly and gave a perverted grin “So what’s the verdict ‘ho? You wanna go to town or you wanna get dragged there?”
Having this absolute pervert in front of her…with his peckerwood exposed, was incredibly uncomfortable for the cowpony, she may have been a country pony but she was no fool, she knew he wanted to have sexual intercourse with her regardless of her say in the matter. So she decided to just cut the Gordian Knot.
“How about I just buck ya to the Moon?!” Quickly turning around, she delivered a pair of massive kicks with all her might, having her trusty weapons, Bucky McGillicuddy and Kicks McGee (AKA her back legs) smash into his stomach.
The Juggernaut flew back a hundred feet and smashed right into an apple tree and slammed it right down into the ground, creating a large tremor she could feel even over there.
Applejack shuddered for the poor tree, but hoped this had put the Juggernaut out of commission.
Boy was she wrong about that.
Just as she turned around to go find something to tie him up, she heard a roar of anger and swiftly turned around to see a very pissed off Juggernaut standing right back up, and finally pulling his pants back up.
“Bitch! You done put a scratch on my suit! I custom made this from wool, the ass hairs of a Siberian tiger, and all kinds of shit! To fuck with rape! I’m just gonna beat the shit outta you!”
Applejack’s eyes grew so wide Luna’s moon would be jealous. She just hit him with her full strength, but this motherbucker didn’t even feel it. All he cared about was the fact she just scratched his suit.
The Juggernaut charged right towards her “Nigga! I’m gonna beat the shit outta you with this tree!”
Applejack silently recited a prayer for safety as the Juggernaut ripped out one of her apple trees and held his arm back like he was about to hurl a javelin.
“Suck it bitchface!” Roared the metahuman menace as he hurled the tree right at Applejack.
Despite failing the first time, Applejack grew back her determination, maybe she couldn’t stop him, but she could at least slow him down.
Thinking quickly, she turned around and bucked the apple tree right back at him.
The Juggernaut roared “Pimp smack of doom, bitch!” as he quickly backhanded the apple tree that Applejack chose to ‘return to sender’ and reduced it to a bunch of toothpicks “You can’t run! You’re like a midget with crocodiles tied to yo’ feet!”
Applejack quickly attempted to run and find something else to pitch at him, but ended up with a rotten surprise.
It turned out the Juggernaut was quicker and had grabbed her by the tail.
A look of horror came over her as he lifted her off the ground near effortlessly; the madman lifted her so he was eye level and flashed a nasty grin.
“Alright bitch, what you want first? A Godfather or a Rocky Balboa?”
Applejack began to thrash around in the air, attempting to wriggle out of the Juggernaut’s hand, but to no avail.
“Hahaha! Stupid bitch, I’m the Juggernaut! I could hold onto Goddamn soap bars while whacking off at the same time! That’s why nobody ever tried to rape me when I was in prison!”
Yes, Applejack’s situation looked hopeless…to the casual observer at least, for the Cutie Mark Crusaders were about to unwittingly attempt a deus ex machine Cutie mark…they fail to get the mark, but I give them props for trying.

~

Apple Bloom and the Cutie Mark Crusaders let go of the rope attached to the spare Party Cannon Pinkie Pie wanted Applejack to hold on to for her.
“Alright girls, now quick, point this at the Juggernaut, ah’m gonna get the anchor.” (Which Pinkie Pie also wanted Applejack to hold onto, in addition to her copy of Violin Duels Volume VI, her hot dog costume, her spare hot dog costume, her anti-dragon suit, her Mysterious Mare Do Well costume, her giant mallet, a Proton Pack, a crossbow (which was underneath a glass case labeled ‘Break in case of Pretty Tony’), and twenty seven cans of Saint’s Flow.)

~

“Time’s up bitch! I’m just gonna send you to the Moon!”
Applejack cringed mentally as the Juggneraut wound up his fist in preparation of what would likely be the biggest uppercut ever thrown.
But just before the Juggernaut turned her into the Mare in the Moon, a loud boom was heard, and a suspiciously familiar looking anchor blasted right into the human’s helmet.
“What the fuuuuuuuuck?!” Roared the Juggernaut as the anchor’s force blasted him through the air.
Applejack had been dropped by the Juggernaut in his confusion, and was getting to her hooves as she saw him fly right into the forest, carried by the anchor.
She blinked in confusion, how could an anchor just throw the Juggernaut like that when she couldn’t even lay a scratch on him? Suddenly it dawned on her just what could have given physics, as the Griffins say, “The middle claw” like that.
Turning over to the barn, Applejack saw Pinkie Pie’s spare party cannon was out and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were hopping up and down in joy, cheering things like “Cutie Mark Crusader Juggernautbusters! Yay!” and the like.
Applejack had a worried look on her face as she trotted over to her sibling and her friends “Thanks fer the save there, but I thought I asked y’all to warn the town?”
“But we couldn’t just leave you” Apple Bloom pointed out.
“Yeah, that meanie was real strong” Sweetie Belle added, shivering as she remembered how Applejack couldn’t really hurt him with the full force of her hooves.
“And that Party Cannon totally kicked his flank!” Scootaloo chuckled, punching in the air as if to make her point.
Applejack chuckled to herself; foals will be foals even when an extremely perverted maniac is trying to beat up the sister of their friend.
She would normally have just tried to stay and finish fighting the Juggernaut, but the town still hadn’t been warned about him or the fact he was trying to buck up anypony unfortunate enough to be near him, so as stubborn as she generally is, she needed to make sure they weren’t taken by surprise.
“Girls, ah appreciate yore help but we gotta git outta here. Somepony has to warn the town, and I don’t like having you face this Juggernaut by yourself.”
Apple Bloom’s face flashed a look of worry “But what about the house? Won’t he try to rob it?”
“Ah doubt that, he doesn’t…seem interested in money.”
“But why?”
“A-ah…look, I just can’t tell why. I’ll explain later.”
And thus, after the awkward conversation went on for a minute or two, the foals finally went off with Applejack as they galloped off towards town to try and warn them to expect an unwanted surprise visit from the Goddamn Juggernaut…Bitch!
What they didn’t realize is that the whole series of events would soon be growing out of hand- I mean, out of hoof. So for the meanwhile, let’s close this chapter by checking in on the Juggernaut, shall we…

~

The Juggernaut finally landed back in the Everfree Forest, and was quite pissed about how he just got his ass handed to him by a mothafucking anchor.
“Go fuck Popeye you dumb bitch!” The musclehead growled as he spun the anchor around and threw it off into the air.
As the anchor flew off into the distance, the Juggernaut huffed and began stomping down the path again, he was gonna get to town, and when he did, it was time to fuck up some ponies.
But on Earth, a trial would soon give him even more trouble…

The Trial of Beast

Author's Note

Welcome to the world of motherfucking midgets and (untranslatable)! Today, we have a new story concerning the Juggernaut’s ongoing misadventures in Equestria, with a brand new battle for him in the form of other members of the Mane Six. While on Earth, somebody who’s dealt with him before gets exiled into Equestria after deciding that the Danger Room’s ability to give 3-D hologram games of Grand Theft Auto wasn’t good enough…

The Trial of Beast

Now in this Universe, mutants actually have achieved a relative level of acceptance in the world, now they’re just another ethnic group, and while there’s bigotry against them (but seriously, in what part of the world is there no bigotry?) it isn’t really commonplace or widespread like in decades past.
But in more recent days, the gang known as the X-Men has been terrorizing anyone stupid enough to be around with bizarre, often illegal and depraved antics. Among all the gangs/groups of morally ambiguous superheroes of the modern age, they are among the most notorious…because of their bald headed leader, Charles Xavier.
Most the people who attack mutants (not including the Juggernaut) generally did so specifically because of the X-Men (AKA the X-Hoes, the X-Motherfuckers, and ‘Charles Xavier’s Giant mob of Reprobates’.)
You see, Charles Xavier’s dream wasn’t to bring equality to the Mutant Race, but rather just to get lucky with babes internationally and proclaim himself the baddest motherfucker on the world…which was incredibly difficult since the Juggernaut claims this as well, even though there’s a lot of people who deserve that title better.
Now who achieved the peace mutants now have? Why the answer is obvious! It was the most badass dude who ever lived…Theodore Roosevelt with the assistance of Nikola Tesla and Kamina. But this is a story for some other time.
The story in question here takes place within a New York courtroom, where the X-Man known as Beast was currently in an embarrassing pickle…

~

“Let me reassure you Mr. Vericon, I have a perfectly fucking good explanation for all of this.”
The judge, the honorable Louis Vericon, crossed his arms; he didn’t believe this at all.
“Then explain to me why, after a twelve hour impromptu demolition derby otherwise known as you fucking up the Manhattan streets in a massive car chase, caused millions of dollars worth of damages, caused the deaths of three police officers, literally had the backseat of your car filled to the brim with drugs, were driving drunk while completely naked, and had five dead hookers in the trunk?!”
In case you weren’t about to figure this out, Beast was in the process of digging himself deeper and deeper into his own shit.
“Yeah, see me, Wolverine, Cyclops, and Steve Mongul McMicheals were partying up in the penthouse of Bolivar Trask while he was away doing business and shit…”
“Which directly violates your restraining order” the judge growled.
“Bitch, it’s just a damn piece of paper, why the Hell’d you order that anyway?!”
“I don’t know who the fuck taught you, but it’s generally considered a criminal offense…” Vericon took a deeper breath “WHEN YOU KILL SOMEONE’S PETS AND STICK THEM IN THEIR BED!!!”
“You couldn’t prove that was me.”
“YOU WROTE ‘BEAST IS NUMBER ONE’ ON HIS WALL…WITH YOUR FECES!”
“Oh, well that was a dare.”
The judge groaned “And how many times do I have to tell you, dares are not admissible excuses for wrongdoings, especially not in a court of law.”
“You didn’t say that when I was brought in here last month for fucking an ostrich.”
“That’s because I wasn’t about to dignify your bullshit with a response.”
“Well whatever. Anyways, me, Cyclops, Wolverine, and Steve Mongol McMicheals were in that Trask bitch’s penthouse, snorting coke off of the asses of hookers and listening to Gangsta Crizzab. Suddenly, Wolverine gets a raging stiffie, and-”
“Just get to the goddamn point!”
“Well, Steve Mongol McMicheals dared me to go and reenact Grand Theft Auto in real life by stealing a car, driving through town like a nude midget with a stiffie after he’s snorted a metric ton of cocaine and bath salts, robbing a drug dealer and bringing the stuff back so we can snort everything, and bring back some more hookers after dumping the other ones ‘cause they died from overdoses…”
The judge rolled his eyes “And why am I not surprised?”
“Because I’m magnificent, motherfucker” Beast bragged “Now like I was saying, they also wanted me to do the whole thing buck ass naked. And then I went out, giving some old broad a heart attack after she saw the anaconda stretching himself out…”
“Which also makes you guilty of even more manslaughter.”
“Nah, it couldn’t have possibly been me, the bitch you found was a gook, I gave the heart attack to some Korean broad.”
The judge shook his head, he heard the police caught him smoking crack when it was time for his trial…but at the time they didn’t think it was enough to impede the trial.
But now this guy was making such an absolute hash of his own defense, it wasn’t even fair.
“Then” Beast continued “I went right into a parking garage and bitchsmacked some asshole in the tollbooth with my dick, and knocked the motherfucker right down. Then I stole myself a hummer and I went off to get the tasks done. And I’d have gotten to the hookers too, if I hadn’t been pulled over by your boys, the fucking assholes.”
“I don’t think they’re in the wrong…because last time I checked, it’s legal to pull somebody over after they literally destroy at least three streets using only a hummer and five guns…how the fuck did you do that anyways?”
“Trade secret bitch! Now what I got in mind is that I will make a deal with you, you let me go, and I won’t go into your house and rape you at the stroke of midnight.”
The judge’s eyes narrowed, he knew it was just Trask’s own bias that suggested this punishment, but Beast obviously wouldn’t change his mind on crime and…being a total degenerate pervert anytime soon.
So he had no choice, they had to use…Advanced discipline.
“Alright you furry little bitch; I’ve been lenient on you fucking mutants for years, hoping you’d finally stop being a bunch of goddamn assholes. But now, I see it’s time for stern measures.”
“By stern measures, you mean let me go and give me a penis pump, a zebra, and a big bag of weed, right?”
“Not even close, jackass.”
“Then can I at least get buck ass naked, and recite the Pledge of allegiance upside down, while I’m stroking my dick?”
“…What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Man I’m a bastard child! You think my dad was happy to see mom give birth to a fucking monkey dude? What the Hell did she fuck anyways?”
“…That was a rhetorical question.”
“Is that a fetish na-”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” The judge roared.
Beast finally shut his trap, even he could tell he was about to get fucked…and not in a fun way.
“In light of this and your prior arrests, convictions, and the fact you still haven’t applied for official US Citizenship-”
“Well ‘scuse me, with all the drugs I do, I keep forgetting to take that motherfucking test.”
The Judge continued nonchalantly “I hereby sentence you to be exiled to a parallel Earth that has MUCH better rehabilitation practices.”
Beast’s eyes widened as suddenly a large Ray machine appeared…and it was the exact same kind that warped the Juggernaut into Equestria.
“Oh fu-” ZAP!
And with that, Beast was thrown into another universe…which happened to be Equestria. As you could have guessed.
What? You were expecting it to send him to Jasper’s Warp or something? This ain’t a Captain Britain crossover.

~

And now, we’ve come back to Equestria, where Applejack and the Cutie Mark Crusaders are returning from Sweet Apple Acres. “Oh thank Celestia” Applejack panted “We aren’t too late!”
“Too late for what? The party tonight?”
Applejack and the aforementioned foals quickly screeched to a halt as Pinkie Pie somehow appeared right behind them, hopping along merrily.
“Pinkie Pie- Where’d you come from?”
“When a daddy pony and a mommy pony love eachother very much…”
“Never mind that” Applejack hurriedly shut, cutting Pinkie off “Look-”
“There’s a giant two legged monster stomping towards Ponyville!” Apple Bloom hurriedly yelled out, cutting Applejack off.
“He was incredibly rude, he threatened to beat us, attacked Applejack…and he smashed Scootaloo’s scooter against a tree!” Sweetie Belle added.
Scootaloo scowled a bit as she remembered what the Juggernaut did “And he kept talking on and on about how he wanted to fuck a penguin. What’s fuck mean anyway? I don’t have a clue!”
“Sounds awful” Pinkie Pie agreed, still retaining her cheerful expression “What’s he call himself?”
Applejack began “He calls himself-”
“THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH!” roared said monster as he yelled at the top of his lungs somewhere in the woods.
Suddenly an anchor flew right out of the sky and landed right into Daisy’s flower shop across the street, totally demolishing it.
Pinkie Pie and Applejack looked on as Daisy and her friends Lily Valley and Roseluck, who were just outside chatting, suddenly screeched out in horror and began running around screaming “The Horror, the horror.”
But really, was that really such a surprise? They screamed this pretty much all the time…there’s a good reason they were often nicknamed ‘the screamers.’
But double entendres aside, let’s get back to the meat of the matter.
Pinkie Pie gasped at the sight of the anchor “Hey! That’s my anchor…I was going to use it to have a sailor party!”
“Uh, Pinkie-”
The pink furred party pony just trotted right over to the dinged anchor and sniffled as she looked at it “Alas poor anchor, I knew him very little. I’d only just bought him from that old sea captain too.”
Applejack’s eyes rolled, even in a time of crisis, Pinkie was still Pinkie, but somepony had to bring her back down to Earth.
“Listen Pinkie, you can grieve over the anchor later, we got a serious problem on our hooves.”
“B-but I haven’t even planned its funeral yet!”
“Pinkie, it’s just slightly dinged, I don’t think burying it’s what we have to do.”
“Then let’s get it to a hospital” Pinkie suggested.
“Hospit-” Applejack groaned as she facehoofed, Pinkie was a good friend but she could often be very hard to reason with.
Applejack put a hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder (do horses have those? I’m confused…oh well, ignore it anyways, just an idle thought) and began “Pinkie, do you know what this monster tried-”
She suddenly caught herself as she remembered that the Cutie Mark Crusaders were nearby, and she didn’t think they were old enough to be explained what ‘rape’ was, and what the Juggernaut meant by ‘Fucking penguins.’ (The word might sound different, but Applejack realized that when he said fuck, he meant buck.)
She turned to Apple Bloom “Uh, Apple Bloom, could you get Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo and find Twilight, Rarity and the others?”
The foals were a bit confused “But we wanna tell Pinkie what we were doing to help!” Apple Bloom complained.
“That Juggernaut was weird” Sweetie Belle agreed “I couldn’t even understand half the stuff he said.”
“And he didn’t feel that tree we smashed into him.” Scootaloo growled, rubbing her hooves together as she grumbled about this.
“I- You-” Applejack stammered a few seconds before catching herself “Look, you can tell them the story, I have to fill Pinkie in on this and I need you to help, I don’t think Rainbow Dash would want to be left out of this.”
At the mention of her idol, a smile spread out onto Scootaloo’s face “Of course! C’mon girls!”
The tiny winged Pegasus began to gallop off to find Rainbow Dash, her friends came to the same realization and ran off to find Rarity, Twilight (not the book, that shit’d be horrible), Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy.
Applejack sighed in relief, she had to explain to Pinkie Pie just why the Juggernaut was such a menace.
“Pinkie” Applejack began “This motherbucker tried to rape me!”
Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened at this “And” Applejack continued “He had a bunch of ridiculously depraved fetishes; he kept on talking about stuff like fucking penguins while having jello thrown at his nuts, and using a penis pump. He even spoke about this around the foals.”
Pinkie’s eyes grew even wider at this “He also tried to kill me after I smashed him into mah apple trees in retaliation for trying to rape me! I’d have been thrown to the Moon if the Cutie Mark Crusaders hadn’t shot your anchor out of your spare Party Cannon and blasted him into the woods!”
Pinkie gasped “So that’s how he got my anchor!”
“Wh- You’re still concerned for the anchor?!”
Pinkie shook her head no “Nah, I was just curious, it’s mean to ruin another pony’s things but it’s even meaner to try and force yourself on somepony when they don’t wanna be bucked.”
Applejack sighed, finally she got the message.
“So now it’s time for a pony to do what somepony’s gotta do.”
“And whatta you gotta do?”
“What I do best…I’m going to throw him a party!”
Applejack’s jaw dropped as she registered just what her friend had said “A-are you serious?! He almost raped me and you wanna throw a party for him?!!”
“Well yeah!” She replied “It’s going to be a great party, but I don’t think he’s going to enjoy it very much.”
“…What kind of party are we having here?”
“A flank kicking party!”

MEANWHILE, AT RAINBOW DASH’S HOUSE…

Rainbow Dash lazily lounged down in her nice, fluffy cloud bed…which was exactly what it sounded like.
She’d had a nice long day of cleaning the skies, and she felt like taking a good nap so she could prepare for more awesome cloudbusti-
“What the fuck is this shit?!” Bellowed a voice from the nearby ground “It looks like a Goddamn whipped cream fetishist’s wet dream!”
Rainbow Dash’s eyes cracked open, somepony just insulted her house, and she was gonna be damned if she let the guy get away with it.
She stretched herself and got out of her bed, then trotted right over to her window, she was going to give whatever colt just insulted her house a piece of her mind.

~

The Juggernaut was pissed off…no surprise there, his general attitude is so foul it’s like he’s constantly high on bath salts or some shit.
He’d finally walked right out of the woods, and was now staring at what looked like a large house made outta clouds.
And he was just giving his opinion on it, which was what woke Rainbow Dash up.
“I ain’t seen shit like this since me, the Hooka Smoking Caterpillar and the Nyan Cat smoked that grilled cheese opium while Pretty Tony googlewhacked to Monty Python and Dennis Frogman threw ostriches at pigs.”
The Juggernaut couldn’t help but admit it was pretty big and it would have taken a motherfucker a while to make it.
And that is exactly why he was going to destroy it.
The Juggernaut casually uprooted a nearby tree, and was about to throw it-
“What the hay do you think you’re doing?!” Rang out the very pissed off voice of yet another female horse.
Juggie looked right up and saw Rainbow Dash’s angry face glaring right down at him, she didn’t even flinch at the sight of him holding a tree up over his head.
But that didn’t matter to the Juggernaut, he had some plans of his own, he could have just thrown the tree at her, but here he had yet another horse in front of him, and it was a girl too.
‘Time to step up my game’ the Juggernaut chuckled inside.
“Btich, I was only talking ‘bout how shitty this house is while I exercised with this motherfucking tree and shit…your man around? I gotta show you something that’s thirteen inches long and the greatest thing you’ve ever seen, you wanna guess what it is?”
“My hoof up your flank!” Rainbow Dash growled “I saw you about to throw that tree at my house!”
Juggernaut’s eyes widened “That’s your house? Damn ‘ho! You don’t know anything about house design, where’s the rims? Where’s the lube shower? Where’s the automatic yak circumciser?”
Rainbow Dash’s anger was not dampened at all, but she was a bit confused by this “Why would a house have rims? Those belong on carts!!!”
“Babe, I don’t give a damn, I need you to come down here and give me your pussy.”
Now Rainbow Dash was just confused “I don’t own a cat.”
“Pussy ain’t a motherfucking cat!” The Juggernaut roared “It was bad enough when those three child midget horses thought the same thing! When will you jackasses finally realize that pussy means vagina!”
Now Rainbow Dash understood completely what kind of pussy he meant and her eyes widened to the size of plates, before turning back to a look of anger.
“We just met! You stupid human fool!”
“Human? How the Hell do you know about that?!”
She suddenly looked startled and her eyes quickly looked back and forth “Uh, I don’t, and I don’t read dorky fantasy books either, except Daring Do.” (Unbeknownst to the Juggernaut, Rainbow Dash used one of her hindlegs to quickly push a box containing books from the “Chronicles of Humanestria” series by Gino Heartstrings underneath her bed.)
“Whatever bitch, the point is, only YOU can prevent forest fires, and the best way to prevent forest fires is by raping the shit outta zebras!”

~

Zecora had been walking nearby in the woods to try and find a rabbit who’d stolen one of her size growing potions, and was well in earshot of the Juggernaut.
The zebra’s face grew into one of pure surprise, and after shiftily looking to her left and right to make sure she wasn’t being watched…she ran like Hell.

~

Rainbow Dash angrily crossed her hooves “That doesn’t even make sense at all!”
“Well I don’t give a shit” the Juggernaut sneered “Now get down here and suck mah dick.”
“Hay no.”
“Well bitch, you gotta lick my toes or something, remember, you can give me what I want or I can just ta-”
POW!
Quicker than the eye could perceive, a very pissed off Pegasus leapt right out of her window and used her wings to propel her at the Juggernaut like a rocket, smashing into his helmet with her hooves.
But she’s attacking the Goddamn Juggernaut, Bitch! Doesn’t she know he’s impervious?
Well she does now!
As she smashed into the Juggernaut, Rainbow Dash bounced right off of him and flew backwards into a bunch of trees.
The Juggernaut’s smugness swelled three sizes that day.
“Ha! Bitch, don’t you know who you’re fucking with? I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch! I custom made this suit from motherfucking wool! See my helmet?!”
“Your helmet looks like horseapples” Rainbow Dash growled as she got back up onto her hooves.
The Juggernaut snorted in anger “To Hell with you then, I ain’t gonna fuck you, I’m just gonna kick your ass!”
“Bring it on!” Rainbow Dash smirked, rushing at Juggernaut with even more speed than before.
The Juggernaut stood his ground and readied his pimp hand.
“Come and get fucked up bitch!” He roared as he somehow managed to time himself well enough to deliver a powerful backhand pimp slap to Rainbow Dash, sending her flying off even faster…in a very different ‘direction’ right back into town.

~

Scootaloo was galloping to Rainbow Dash’s house as quickly as she could, she had to tell her about the Juggernaut, she just had to.
Rainbow Dash would be so pleased to hear how she and her friends helped fight the Juggernaut.
As her dreams of Rainbow Dash’s admiration grew and grew, suddenly she wound up seeing Rainbow Dash…flying right at her.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!” The rainbow maned Pegasus yelled out while continuing to fly through the air as an impromptu cannonball, thrown about by a giant human who pimp smacked her thrown through the air with the greatest of ease.
Scootaloo’s eyes widened as her idol flew by her…and then she broke out in a shudder as she heard, off in the distance, a familiar voice yell “Aw yeah bitch! You done got fucked up by the Goddamn Juggernaut Bitch!”
Scootaloo realized that Rainbow Dash had already ‘met’ the Juggernaut and she needed herself some help.
“Hang on Rainbow Dash” she yelled, galloping back towards her mentor, determined to save her.
And what else have they to deal with? They’ve got something almost as perverted as the Juggernaut to deal with…

SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS…

“-ck” Beast cried out as he suddenly teleported right into the deep reaches of the Everfree Forest.
The blue furred mutant blinked “Where the fuck am I? This doesn’t look like an advanced society to me!”
Suddenly a thought occurred to him “Fucker must have been a dud, I’m free as a bird!”
The Beast began to perform a cartwheel “Hahaha! Time to go fuck, bitches! My dick’s longer than a gorilla’s arm.”
Clearly, somepony is going to have their han- I mean, hooves full.

Juggment is upon us

Author's Note

(Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here today to watch the Juggernaut rip Ponyville a new asshole. Soon enough we’ll have a weird encounter between Beast and Ponyville’s token Zebra, the introduction of some OCs who’ll be important later on and the Juggernaut vs more of the ponies…oh, and we’re about to see the beginning of even more insanity. Oh and an allusion to the future of The Servant is here too.)

Juggment is upon us

Twilight Sparkle sat at her reading desk, reading a book on Saddle Arabia, in light of the events currently going on over there and the ‘hairless gorilla’ on the run from the Saddle Arabian military forces. She’d personally been very distrustful of their government, even with the mastermind behind the Manehatten Pegasus bombings thirteen years ago deader than a doorknob, their leaders were very much anti-Equestrian, and that was cause for concern no matter where in Equestria you lived.
So as she was trying to figure out just what the hay was going on there, she heard the front door burst open and the clattering of hooves as they zipped across the floor like a speeding train.
Just as she turned around, she saw Applejack’s sister Apple Bloom stampeding to her with a look of urgency plastered across her snout.
“Twilight!” She yelled out “We’ve got trouble!”

~

“It was so nice of you to help me out Spike” Rarity said to the dragon as he posed in her experimental ‘Baby dragon fashions.’
Spike, being a Rarityphile, had volunteered to model for her, even though he personally viewed modeling as something he’d prefer not to do.
But when it came to trying to impress Rarity and hopefully sire Dragonies with her, he would do almost anything (including insulting a certain pair of psychotic wicked clowns to their face while they have a hatchet and baseball bat handy.) *
The young drake chuckled “Well, I always like helping you out Rar-”
Suddenly the door burst open and Sweetie Belle quickly burst in, panting for breath. “Rarity! There’s a giant monster that wants Opal!” The little pony screamed.
Spike inwardly cursed about his poor luck and how Sweetie Belle threw off his game while Rarity’s eyes widened immensely, and Opal herself (who was napping nearby) quickly ran right underneath a table to hide.
“Sweetie Belle...what happened?”
“Me and the girls were out playing in the woods when some giant two legged monster in a red suit just smashed Scootaloo’s scooter, fought Applejack and would have thrown her to the Moon if we hadn’t saved her with Pinkie Pie’s Party Cannon (patent pending) and an anchor. We’re trying to get everypony warned, because this jerk’s coming to the town to mess up anypony he finds.”
Rarity was more than a little bit distressed at this news (and she doesn’t even know of his rape crazed attitude yet) “Sweetie Belle…what did this monster look like?”
Sweetie Belle got out her crayons and quickly drew her sister a picture of the Juggernaut, and when she drew it…
“Oh my Celestia!” Rarity exclaimed.
“It’s a human!” Spike commented.
“That outfit is horrible!” The fashionista yelled out.
Both Sweetie Belle and Spike exchanged a look that just screamed ‘You have got to be kidding me.’

~

Meanwhile, down at Fluttershy’s cottage the kindly Pegasus was tending to her animals again, and was in the process of one of the second hardest things to do in the universe (the first being to kill a boner of the Juggernaut’s…no there isn’t a Cutie Mark for that. And really, WHO’D WANT ONE?!)
Yes, she was trying to get Angel to take his vitamins.
“Now Angel, you know you have to take these pills” Fluttershy gently tried to coax to the rabbit, which wasn’t exactly working out due to Angel being a jerk and sticking his nose up at said pills.
She’d been at this for an hour and she had to give the mice their cheese, and then there was that grizzly bear who needed her to perform the job of a chiropractor on.
Angel finally turned towards the pills, but only to just grab them and hurl them off into the woods.
A smirk grew on his face as his saddened master fluttered off to try and find his pills.
What a complete bastard!
But Karma’s a bitch (though not when she’s off the clock), and Angel got his in the form of a giant cyan colored blur that smashed into him and landed right into the henhouse, scattering chickens everywhere.
Fluttershy looked up from her search with worry “Oh my” she said “I hope Rainbow Dash wasn’t hurt.”
She trotted right over to her friend as she saw the Pegasus stand right back up (and nonchalantly scoot a chicken who’d perched atop her head, with Fluttershy barely managing to catch the egg the chicken had laid before it hit the ground) on her hooves, Rainbow Dash was very pissed off, and Fluttershy didn’t have a clue why.
“Motherbucking, flank sucking, bastard son of a bitch!!!” Rainbow Dash loudly cussed “He had the nerve to smack the greatest flyer in all of Equest- scratch that, the whole world, like a bucking ping-pong ball?! I’m going to shove a tree so far up-”
“Um, excuse me Rainbow Dash” Fluttershy meekly began; a tremble in her voice as Rainbow Dash’s swearing was upsetting her “But wh-what happened? Is there some kind of monster in Equestria?!”
“Monster?!” Rainbow Dash snorted indignantly “More like a biped jerk! This giant human in red armor just insulted my house, tried to get me to buck him, claimed he wanted to prevent forest fires by raping zebras, shrugged off one of my punches like it was nothing, AND smacked me like a Celestiadamned ping pong ball with a motherbucking pimp slap!!!!”
Rainbow Dash was fuming so mad Fluttershy was surprised her mane hadn’t caught fire, but then a thought occurred to the yellow pegasus “Human? Like in those books I borrowed to you?”
Rainbow Dash’s mood suddenly changed as Fluttershy brought this up “Uh, I never read them. They’re for nerds, why would you think I’d like those?”
“Because you asked me for them.”
Rainbow Dash sweatdropped as she realized that Fluttershy was right, “Relax Rainbow Dash” the yellow furred Pegasus softly said “Nopony is around to hear-”
“Rainbow Dash!” cried out Scootaloo as she huffed and puffed nearby, trotting right up to her idol “Did the Juggernaut hurt you?”
The rainbow maned Pegasus went from embarrassed to confident, Scootaloo looked up to her and she didn’t want to disappoint the kid “Not much kid, just my pride.”
The little horse looked up at Rainbow Dash a little sadly “You’ve gotta get up, the Juggernaut’s stomping towards Ponyville!”
The Pegasus quickly sprang up, unwittingly smashing apart the rest of the henhouse in the process “The hay he isn’t! Anypony who thinks I’m just gonna sit down on the job while some giant human terrorizes everypony he finds has another thing coming!!! Where’s Twilight?!?!”
“She’s in Ponyville, Apple Bloom’s getting her.”
“Got it!” Rainbow Dash bellowed “Let’s go!!!”
She flew off like a thunderbolt, leaving a quivering Fluttershy “Oh dear. This monster’s coming to Ponyville?”
She suddenly felt herself moving, Scootaloo was right behind her and trying to push her so she’d start moving “C’mon Fluttershy. Ponyville needs us!”
And thus, in spite of her being absolutely terrified of this monster, Fluttershy quickly ran off towards town.
And speaking of mares who’re scared of the Juggernaut…

~

Zecora panted in relief as she finally quit running away from the Baddest Motherbucker on the World.
She suddenly realized something: she just let Rainbow Dash alone with a monster that might have tried to rape her.
“Oh woe, woe and gloom. I may have left Rainbow Dash to her doom!”
She had to make up for this somehow, she was going to head right back to Ponyville and try to stop this beast.
But damn, it’s hard, that motherbucker wanted to rape zebras!...and SHE’S a zebra.
Zecora finally caught her breath and took a deep one; the time had came for action! And she had to go and rescue the Pegasus; nobody would stop her this time.
Suddenly, she jumped in the air when she heard a voice that reminded her of the Juggernaut singing “I need some motherfucking hypno, so I can get my dick swollen…and fuck pigeons!”
Zecora looked from side to side to try and see where the voice came from, only to realize it came from the trees, and when she looked up to see who was making the noise, she saw a large being similar in physique to the Juggernaut, with blue fur all over him, a hawk like haircut, and what looked like a pair of black speedos as his only clothes, he also was much smaller than the Juggernaut.
“Swing on these trees ‘cause my dick is long!” the creature sang as it continued to use the branches to swing around the forest.
Suddenly he looked right at Zecora, realizing he had company “Hell yeah, now this is more like it” he chortled in a relieved tone. It was now that Zecora realized that his voice reminded her an awful lot of that red suited maniac who loudly proclaimed he wanted to rape zebras.
The creature quickly leapt right down in front of her before she had a chance to even run “Hey baby, you want yourself an animal party? Beast’s all the animal you’ll ever need, you feel me?”
As ‘Beast’ hit on the zebra, said zebra narrowed her eyes at the blue furred pervert “If you are looking for fun, you are out of luck, for Zecora is no mood to buck.”
Beast didn’t seem fazed at all at what she said, but she could tell he was both mildly annoyed and slightly concerned about his own luck at scoring “Well I didn’t know if you took money or nothing, I just wanted a freebie.”
“Do not trouble me, perverted Beast, upon my…parts, you shall not feast.”
“Bitch, I wasn’t planning to give you oral sex, I was more hoping you’d know how to suck the dick, you’ve done this before, right?”
“Zecora’s life is not yours to know, now if you value your fur, you must go.”
“Well look, don’t you know what you’re missing out on? I was gonna let you take a shit on my chest, then I was gonna shove a live snake up your ass, and that’s before I shove my five pounds of meat in your stargate and gag you with a ballpoint pen…if I can find one.”
Zecora gagged and almost threw up, but caught herself before she showed weakness in front of this perverted, totally sick asshole “You buffoon, I have a task that must not be forgot, I have to go to Ponyville to help fight the Juggernaut.”
At the mention of the name ‘Juggernaut’ a massive change came in Beast’s demeanor, his fur paled a bit, his jaw dropped, and suddenly he was very, very scared “The Juggernaut! He’s here?!”
Suddenly, he became less scared and a bit annoyed “Shit, Charles said he took care of the Goddamn Juggernaut for good! What the fuck is he doing in this land of prostitute horses?!”
Zecora was about to interject and say she was not a prostitute, but she realized that not only would she not be able to convince him, but it suddenly occurred to her that she had a golden opportunity here.
Beast, despite being a perv of pervs, knew who the Juggernaut was and likely dealt with him before, and if he knew of any way to beat him, she could use this to help her in stopping the monster before he decided to go after ponies for carnal relations instead of zebras.
As this thought was being entertained in her head, her eye cut back to the permed pervert and noticed he’d leapt off the ground and was trying to swing away through the trees in an attempt to run for his life.
Eyeing a sizable rock nearby, Zecora quickly picked it up in her mouth and hurled it right at Beast’s head, giving a solid blow despite him being about twenty feet in the air and twenty five feet away from her with branches obscuring the shot.
Zecora was a champion rock thrower when she was younger, her mother said it was a useless talent but what did she know? For the ruler of Zebrica, she was a bit poor in foresight.
As the rock dinged the bonehead’s head, he lost his grip “Son of a bitch!”
The mutant landed right on the ground, and on his stomach, with his ‘ding-a-ling’ landing on a large root.
“Ah shit! My Battlestar Galactica!”
And if you think that’s a weird word for penis, you should hear what Dennis fucking Frogman calls his one eyed wonder weasel.
Now anyways, before Beast could get up and run off, Zecora jumped up and somehow elbow dropped him, knocking the wind right outta him.
“Goddamn woman, you some kinda zebra wrestler or something?”
“You are not the one who must be fought, now help me go and fight the Juggernaut.”
“What the fuck you smoking ‘ho? Don’t you know who he is? That’s the baddest motherfucker on the world; you see what he did to his suit?”
“The clumsy oaf didn’t look like a tailor, judging by his mouth, I’d say he’s a sailor.”
“Nah, that motherfucker’ll custom make anything if you’re on his good side or not trying to piss him off. You see my speedo? He made it; all I had to do was bring him a pair of giraffes and a jar of strawberry jam to use as lube.”
“This man sounds quite disgusting, if the rape of giraffes is something after which he is lusting.”
“Hey, you gotta take what you get, I fucked a toaster once because I was horny as fuck and there wasn’t a lapdog in sight…burnt my dick so bad I needed skin grafts, but whoever owned that bitch got a nasty surprise the next time they made a motherfucking poptart, I’ll tell you that.”
“Enough with the banter, furry creature, let us get back to our main feature.”
“You mean I can get some zebra pussy?”
Zecora growled something very foul underneath her breath before speaking again “You complain a lot, but the main question you have answered not, will you help me fight the Juggernaut?”
Beast began to try and wriggle out of her grip “Bitch, I can’t fight him, look at me. I’m a Goddamn monkey, I can’t do shit against the Juggernaut, don’t you know he fucked Mount Rushmore?”
Zecora soon realized that she was barking up the wrong tree and that if she wanted to get rid of the Juggernaut, while this deviant was annoying he’d still be helpful…but he wouldn’t help her unless he found a reason to do so, so she’d need to bribe him with the only thing she knew would work.
“If you help me give the Juggernaut the boot, I’ll help find you a nice prostitute.”
The blue furred creepazoid quit wriggling and thought about this a sec then asking “Will she suck the pickle in public?”
“She’ll be doing this to be paid, so no matter what you request, she’ll help you get laid.”
“Now that’s what I’m talking ‘bout!” Beast chuckled, suddenly flexing his muscles and letting Zecora fall off of him “Now it’s time for the Juggernaut to face the tenth wonder of the world…my dick!”
Zecora blinked at the sudden display of strength and began to say “How-”
“Not every day I get free bondage from a zebra, you think I wanted to move yet? I don’t see any Juggernaut nearby, do you?”
Zecora cringed in disgust and recoiled as she realized that by restraining Beast she’d given him a raging stiffie, she felt soiled, and the perverted grin on the man’s face didn’t help either.
“Now bring me to the city bitch! I’ve gotta pimpsmack the Juggernaut with my dick!”
Zecora sighed and was glad she at least got some help in fighting the Juggernaut, even if the help came from an athletic gorilla-creature who was about as perverted as the Juggernaut and thought she was a prostitute.
Unlike before though, Beast did not swing through the trees and instead followed along the trotting Zecora by lumbering along like a gorilla…a fast, very perverted gorilla with an erection covered by a speedo that he did not try to deny at all.
Yes Ponyvillle, help is on the way…whether you want it or not.

~

Near the limits of Ponyville was a twenty-two year old pony named Fox Fire, he had an orange mane, brown eyes, a red coat of fur (though he had a couple of brown spots on it), a brown stripe on his tail and a brown underbelly. On his flanks there lay a Cutie mark that showed an atom with a pen and paper as a nucleus.
He was at the city limits specifically because he worked in town as an alchemist, a very talented one at that, he was looking for an herb nearby that could help him in the creation of a cure for a venereal disease some rich pony commissioned him to make after he’d caught it.
Of course, he also knew that afterwards he could make more and sell it to other ponies who had it, and at a cheaper price too. He did enjoy occasionally trolling rich jackasses like this one.
“That’s what you get for not being satisfied with your trophy wife, asshole” he chuckled to himself “Why you ponies don’t seem to just be satisfied with what you got and don’t go out bucking fish I don’t know. But who gives a buck? I’ll still make money anyways.”
The pony chuckled to himself as he trotted along, dreaming of all the money he was going to make once he showed his cure worked “Better not take too long though, Silent Moon won’t be here the whole week after all.”
“And who’s that? Your motherfucking girlfriend?”
Fox Fire rose his head up from the ground “Who the buck are-”
His eyes suddenly widened immensely as he looked right up at a massive bipedal creature with pink skin and a massive red costume with a helmet that looked like it should shrug off a blast from a tank.
It reminded him of the humans from the books Lyra Heartstrings’ daddy wrote.
Now we know just who he’d ran into…but he didn’t.
Fox Fire suddenly became much calmer “Shit. Did I fail to put that patch in the vat? Those chemicals are making me hallucinate agai- EEEP!”
The enraged Juggernaut quickly grabbed him by his tail and held him upside down, glaring at him “What the fuck you think I am, bitch?! This feel real to you?!”
Fox Fire suddenly returned to the frightened and surprised mode again as it dawned on him that this was no hallucination.
“Oh Celestia!” He yelped “Why the Hay is this happening to me?!”
“Because you’re in the way, you donkey fucker!”
“For your information, I’m still a virgin…and believe me, this is not by choice!”
“Whatever motherfucker, now get me something to eat, I’ve already eaten out a whole shitload of boatfucking apples and fucked a tree. And now I need some more pussy and to get high as me when I try to rape the Moon by firing my way up there with a cannon and a buncha fishhooks I kept in my dickhair!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I don’t think I want to.”
“Don’t you know who I am, bitch?!”
“I just MET you and I don’t have any clue who you-”
“Shut up! I’m the Juggernaut Bitch! I’m back!”
“When were you even here?!”
“I was in a motherfucking farm, trying to get some orange painted ho with a bushman’s hat who sounded like she made a living outta fucking chickens and huffing bath salts…”
‘Oh please’ Fox Fire dryly thought in his brain ‘Applejack may have a Southern accent but I know she doesn’t huff bath salts, OR screw chickens…I wish she’d buck me, but that’s a different matter.’
“…And then when I exposed myself in Times Square so I could fuck a hippopotamus, a square dancing hillbilly bitch with a chicken up her ass and a panda bear at the same time. The Goddamn Avengers came in and attacked me. I told that Hulk bitch I had a bigger dick than him and that the Black Widow needs to have the shit raped outta her. That’s when she tried to feed a grenade down my mouth and-”
It had occurred to Fox Fire that the Juggernaut had gone completely off topic and at this rate all his blood would take a permanent home in his skull.
“Hey Jugghead, let’s get back on topic…what’re you doing here?”
“BITCH!” the Juggernaut roared, blowing back Fox Fire’s hair with the force of his yelling “Do not interrupt me! I’ve done pimping on Monster Island, fucked the Virgin Islands, and snorted a half ton of crystal meth with one zebrashitfucking nostril! AND I have the world record for most times I’ve destroyed the house of my bitch-ass brother Charles ‘the Bitch’ Xavier, at forty-seven!”
“And I’m sure somepony is interested” Fox Fire said “But I’m currently dangling from your hand and I’d very much like it if you put me down, and I don’t mean in the sense of killing me, I mean in the sense of setting me down so maybe I can help you out.”
The Juggernaut considered this for a sec “I wanna get high!”
Fox Fire sighed in relief, he might not have been Heisenhoof (though he was damn good competition) but he knew a lot about how to brew things with chemicals, and while, as a general rule, he never cooked meth or bath salts, he did happen to know where to find some psychedelic mushrooms and an assload of weed.
“Ha! Is that all?” He chuckled “Dude, you are in luck. I just happen to know where some local hippies hide their drug stash. Let me down and I’ll lead you right to it.”
“And why the fuck should I let you down?!”
“Because the blood’s getting to my head. You can trust me; Fox Fire never breaks a bargain.”
The Juggernaut again considered what Fox Fire was saying “Alright, I’ll free your ass, but if you try to run, Imma rape you in the ass with a steel dildo, twenty-seven demons summoned from the Necronomicon Ex Juggernaut Bitch! And a toilet plunger.”
The Juggernaut thus released the pony from his grip, causing the poor alchemist to fall on his head.
“Ow! You could let a stallion down gently you know.”
“Bitch! I’m the Juggernaut! I’m ‘bout as subtle as a brick through a motherfucking door and proud of it. Didn’t stop me from breaking into King Kong Bundy’s house to steal his fucking fridge while he slept.”
Fox Fire didn’t know who the hell ‘King Kong Bundy’ was, sounded like some giant (sized) thief from what the Juggernaut said.
“Well let’s get going” the alchemist said “If you’re this loud, we might wanna hit the stash while the junkies are gone.”
And thus the pony gestured for the Juggernaut to follow and trotted off into the woods, and the Baddest Motherfucker on the World followed the pony along, stomping like he was Godzilla while the big guy was stalking a Muto.
Yes, Fox Fire has dodged a major bullet…can’t say the same for Ponyville though, can you imagine how much danger they’ll be in? The Juggernaut’s gonna be high as a kite!
Though I suppose it’s not as dangerous as Beast when he’s been talked into reenacting GTA in real life…

* Like the Insane Clown Posse

This is Gonna Hurt

Author's Note

(What’s up bitches?! I’m back!!! And so’s the Juggernaut, today we hear Bolivar Trask get himself in some trouble when it turns out that Mr. Vericon would prefer to sentence people after a trial and not have punishment come before the crime, and the Juggernaut’s gonna beat the fuck outta some hippies while the Mane Six unite in Ponyville and a message is sent out to Princess Celestia. Also, did anyone like the cover?)

This is Gonna Hurt

Back on Earth, the honorable Mr. Vericon was talking to Bolivar Trask, the midget inventor of the Sentinels, giant robots designed…to hunt X-Men.
Yeah, he really, really hated those motherfuckers.
“For the last time mister Trask” the exasperated judge groaned as he heard the newest proposal from Trask “Advanced rehabilitation techniques or no, I am not having a court order to sentence the rest of the X-Men to this…other universe.”
Trask growled and stroked his mustache (which looked like it belonged in a seventies porno) “Why not? There’s already proof they have engaged in God knows how many depravities, they’ve never shown any signs of improving either.”
“Are you familiar with the term ‘Don’t do the punishment before the crime’?”
“Yes, and they have it coming anyways.”
The judge facepalmed, when Trask heard he’d used the device he’d donated to him on Beast, he’d visited the judge in his home, while he was watching Action Bastards no less, to try and sell him on this new scheme.
“Listen to me, you short little fuckbucket, I told you once, I told you twice, I am not going to banish the X-Men from this universe just because they smashed open your apartment, again! What the hell are these so called ‘Advanced rehabilitation techniques’ anyways?! I never even heard of them.”
Trask’s face grew a grin “Oh that, I hear that some leader of the people there had a sister who tried to end all life on the planet by causing the sun to never rise anywhere.”
“Who told you this?”
“Some pervert with a goat’s head and a body that looks like he came from a bad acid trip. It doesn’t matter, now anyways, he told me that the ruler punished her sister…by imprisoning her on the Moon for a thousand years.”
Mr. Vericon’s eyes widened “They what?!”
“She imprisoned her on the Moon for a thousand years. According to him, she reformed when she came out a year ago.”
The judge’s jaw dropped and he roared “I was trying to get him reformed! Not kill him!”
Bolivar Trask growled again “Well too bad for you. I guess if you won’t listen to reason…”
He pulled a remote out of his pocket “I’ll have to make the hard call for you!”
As he pressed the button, the beam shooting device, which was now in a briefcase that had levitated in, flew right out of the case and through the roof.
The judge was incredibly surprised “I can’t tell who’s worse, you or the X-Men.”
Trask then ran right out of the front door, while the judge pulled out his cell phone to call 911…

MEANWHILE BACK IN EQUESTRIA…
In the Everfree forest, there was a makeshift hut at the borders. It’s purpose? To hide the drug stash of some local hippies.
Inside it, there were two skinny stallions, one of which was currently smoking a hookah full of reefer fumes, he had long blond hair in his mane and had a brown coat with a joint as his Cutie Mark, the other pony was Flax Seed, who was currently smoking a joint the size of a large stick.
Behind them sat about fifty pounds of just about every drug you could imagine.
The joint pony (named Charley Two Smokes, who ironically enough wasn’t smoking a joint at this time) looked up at Flax “Hey dude…you ever wonder if earthquakes are snores?”
“Whoa…heavy!”
“Hey…could you get me a bottle of pizza?”
“Nah, I think I ate the last one.”
“What the fuck are you two motherfuckers talking ‘bout?!!!” Roared a voice outside.
Flax Seed suddenly leapt up in fright “Buck man! The fuzz is here!”
“The fuzz is the least of ‘yo problems, dickweed! Imma huff, anna puff, and Imma rip your Goddamn house off!”
Suddenly the house was lifted right out of the ground, exposing the junkies and their impressive stash before…the Goddamn Juggernaut Bitch!...And Fox Fire, who was currently looking at the scene before him with a flabbergasted look.
“Yeah bitch! The Juggernaut’s here to use your motherfucking stash, then go fuck your momma in the ass, rewire your TV to pick up the Interplanetary Insanitarium and the All Zebra Wrestling Porn network, make a weed sandwich with everything in your fridge, and finally, Imma take a shit in your shitter and then refuse to flush!!!”
“He will do it” Fox Fire added, inching away from the Juggernaut until he was seven feet away “Trust me on that.”
“Like, wow!” Flax Seed exclaimed “A giant red dick, he’s even wearing a condom.”
The Juggernaut’s eyebrow twitched in anger, Fox Fire caught onto this and swiftly dived behind a tree, bellowing “He’s gonna blow!”
“You want me to make you pull a dirty Sanchez on your boy here?! I’m no dick, but I got a dick so strong it could break steel and could crush oregano pills. I once bitchsmacked a guy with it so hard I threw him across the fucking Hudson River! Motherfucker was Iron Man!”
“What’s an Iron Man?” Charley asked, about to suddenly find out just how violent the Juggernaut could really be.
“Lemmie show you how it feels like to fly!”
The Juggernaut quickly grabbed both horses and threw the two up into the air “Jabba the Hutt, hutt, hike beyotch!”
Fox Fire looked over at them with his jaw dropped “What the hay did you do that for?!”
“They disrespected the Juggernaut, Bitch! Your boy’s gotta keep his street cred up.”
“First off, what the buck is ‘street cred’? And secondly, you didn’t need to try and kill them, they didn’t even try to attack you.”
“Man, people don’t die when they get thrown by me. “
“How could…most the people you throw are like you aren’t they?”
“Nah, those X-Hoes are more like a bunch a fuckin’ losers.”
“No, I mean in terms of durability.”
“Like anal durability? I once fucked a bitch right through her earholes and she still wanted seconds!”
“…I stand corrected. And I really didn’t need to hear that.”
Fox Fire shifted nervously as the Juggernaut began to swagger over to the drug stash, pulling out a whole saltshaker full of cocaine “Uh, look. I got you here, the drugs are altogether like I asked. Now can I get the buck out of here?...This part of the woods is bat country.”
The Juggernaut unscrewed the saltshaker and shoved it right up his left nostril “The fuck you talkin’ about? I got enough drugs here to flip my motherfucking helmet and fuck a zebra through the ass! You don’t wanna try some of this shit?”
Fox Fire nodded no “I’m not into that kind of thing.”
The Juggernaut shrugged “Suit yourself, bitch. More for me!”
Fox Fire hurriedly trotted away, hearing the Juggernaut snort the whole shaker up his nose, cringing as he muttered “What has sci- I mean, what have I done?”
The alchemist began to book it, smartly trying to put as much distance between him and the about to get totally coked up Juggernaut as he could.
But before he could leave the forest he did hear Juggernaut bellow “Sold my soul to rock and roll, cuntsnuffers! Let’s go shit on a goose and snort jello up my ears!”
Be afraid, dear reader…be very, very, very afraid.

BACK IN PONYVILLE

Twilight Sparkle sighed with relief as she saw all five of her friends trot right up to the library.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders weren’t there, having been told to try and hide somewhere safe, though knowing them, they’d likely come back in an army tank or something.

~

“Wow Apple Bloom” Scootaloo said, gazing at the tank (located in a nearby dugout at the edge of the town) Apple Bloom had made under everyone’s noses “All this thing needs is an engine and it’ll be perfect to take on the Juggernaut.”
Applejack’s sister beamed with pride “Thank you kindly Scootaloo. You know where we can find one?”
“I think Smoke Stack has one…say, what’d you make it for anyways?”
Sweetie Belle trotted in with a small poster she’d drawn “This.”
Scootaloo looked at it, the poster depicted the CMC in the tank bulldozing Diamond Tiara’s home while she and Silver Spoon were running off in a frightful panic.
The caption for the poster read “Operation: Kick DT and SS’s flanks with kickflank action missiles.”
Don’t worry readers, the tank was made out of cardboard and wood anyways…plus they only wanted to demolish their house.

~

She shook her head and banished the thoughts that had went to the idea of the CMC showing up in a large tank with Rob Zombie music blaring as they tried to bomb the Juggernaut from quite a long ways away.
She turned to her friends and began to speak.
“Applejack” she said, addressing the cowpony due to her being the first of them to run into the Juggernaut “Apple Bloom told me about you and the Juggernaut, do you know anything that could help us?”
Applejack’s eyes squinted “Not much. He’s incredibly strong.”
“No surprise there” Rainbow Dash grumbled as she rubbed her sore belly, still a bit tender after Juggernaut pimpsmacked her.
“And it’s damned hard to even scratch him” she continued “I hit him with both hooves and sent him flying, but that didn’t even hurt him. If it weren’t for Apple Bloom and her friends, he’d have had his way with me!”
She shuddered at the thought of the Juggernaut’s disturbed fetishes, and Rainbow Dash crossed her hooves and growled to herself “That jackass even had the nerve to insult my house, tried to make moves on me too, claimed I was some kind of nerd-”
“Uh, sugarcube” Applejack interrupted “Did you identify him as a human?”
“What? What do you mean?!” Rainbow Dash muttered “I didn’t say anything about that.”
Applejack groaned “Rainbow, sometimes you’re even worse at lying than I am.”
“What lie? I didn’t lie.”
“Look, Rainbow Dash” Twilight groaned “Everypony knows that you like to read the Chronicles of Humanestria. It doesn’t make you a nerd, even Princess Celestia reads them and she’s not a nerd.”
“But she is a glutton” Rainbow Dash pointed out “I hear she loves to eat cake, a lot of it, and of all kinds.”
“…Well she isn’t a total glutton but yeah, I’ve seen the princess eat…a lot of cakes. But not as much as the rumors claim.”
“Then how much does she eat?”
“Well she doesn’t eat it by the ton, I’ll tell you that.
“And anyways, this is all off topic, somepony has to do something to stop this Juggernaut before it’s too late.”
The rest of the Mane Six (even Fluttershy) nodded in agreement Rarity was the next to speak “I just shudder to think of what this ruffian will do to every mare he can get his filthy hands on.”
“He sounds incredibly mean” Fluttershy agreed “He might try to hurt my animals too.”
“I’ve gotta pay him back for making me into a ping-pong ball!” Rainbow Dash growled, punching her forehoof into her other forehoof’s palm.
“I’ve even got plans to give him a flank kicking party!” Pinkie cheerfully exclaimed.
“She does, she told me all about it” Applejack added “I’m a bit skeptical on your plans to smack him with a cake full of anvils. But then again, it’s not as impossible as the time you froze that bonfire.”
“Applejack, I stopped questioning Pinkie’s ability to buck the laws of physics a long time ago. But regardless, I’m glad to see we’re all on the same page here. Somepony has to do something about the Juggernaut, so I propose we start by writing to Princess Celest-”
Her voice trailed off as she turned around and noticed her trusty assistant Spike was not next to her.
“Huh? Where’d Spike go?”
Her question was answered when she heard a toilet flush inside her treelibrary, which was followed about a minute later by Spike the young dragon coming out through the door, very much relieved from the sudden urge to have to take a crap.
“Oh man, that’s the last time I have all those diamond burritos in one sitting” he muttered, how did he know that consuming so many at once was going to cause him bowl problems later? And he didn’t even hear the little discussion about the Juggernaut that was going on outside, and he most certainly didn’t get why everypony was staring at him.
“What’s going on? Do I have a bit of emerald stuck in my teeth?” (That’s what you get for snacking on your way out young drake.)
“Spike” Twilight Sparkle began “Take-”
The young assistant’s eyes widened and he quickly turned around “Hang on Twilight! I forgot my stuff inside.”
As he dashed back into the house, the lavender unicorn groaned, at this rate the Juggernaut would hit the town before they send anything out.
In about a minute the drake ran right back out, now holding the blank scroll and a quill “Alright, I’m ready!”
Twilight Sparkle cleared her throat “Alright then Spike, take this down.
“Dear Princess Celestia, I regret to inform you that the town of Ponyville is in great danger. This large bipedal creature, which we believe to be a human, is stomping towards the town. He’s apparently incredibly horny and doesn’t seem to take no for an answer when refused, as two of my friends found out when he tried to beat the daylights out of them. Please send relief, preferably in the form of the army…though I have doubts that they’ll be able to stop him, so I’m afraid we may end up needing the Elements of Harmony. Regardless, please send something, because we don’t know how long it’ll be until he strikes. Signed, your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.”
Spike breathed out a sigh of relief, any more words and he wouldn’t be able to fit anything else, he’d already been trying his best to write it down as small as he could. He even got out some extra paper and scotch tape to add more stuff onto the paper if need be.
Carefully rolling the scroll up Spike took a deep breath and used his teleporting fire breath to make it fly off to Princess Celestia.
Twilight Sparkle sighed in relief, all she needed to do now was just waiting for her mentor to call back and she’d have some solution to her problem.
Rarity spoke up first “Well then, now that we’ve alerted the Princess to the news of an extremely rude, superstrong human bent on forcing himself on the whole planet, what do we do until then? I highly doubt I could get him to stop just by criticizing his foul mouth.”
Twilight tapped her hoof against her chin “True, until Princess Celestia tells us what to do, we just have to figure out some way to hold him off until she sends us some form of relief. Here’s what we do, Pink-”
“Excuse me” Fox Fire muttered as he hurriedly brushed past Twilight, a genuine look of worry in his eyes.
“Uh, Fox Fire, isn’t it?” Twilight began, noticing he was running to the library “I’m afraid the library’s closed for today.”
“I don’t give a buck!” He yelled out loudly, startling Fluttershy and Rarity “Don’t you know where we are?”
Twilight was a bit confused “Uh, we’re in Ponyville.”
“Wrong!” Fox Fire yelled out, looking left and right with shifty eyes “I can’t stop now…this is Juggernaut Country.”
The six mares and singular drake widened their eyes with one hundred percent pure surprise as they heard this, somehow the cat was out of the bag, although given how loud the Juggernaut bellowed his name earlier…
“Juggernaut, what-” Twilight began, only to look over at the stallion and notice he’d entered the building.
Suddenly, a crash was heard, and the sound of hundreds of books hitting the floor ensued too, in addition to cries of things like “Where the buck is it?!” “No, no no!” and “Appear! Celestiadamn you!”
The Mane Six galloped in, only to see that Fox Fire was tearing apart the library in a panicked rush, throwing books haphazardly around in search of something presumably very valuable.
“Fox Fire…what the hay are you doing?” Twilight asked, incredibly confused about his motives.
Suddenly, in what seemed to her like the blink of an eye, Fox Fire zipped right over to her, getting right in her face “Quiet! This is a time of emergency, and I need to ask, you’re Princess Celestia’s student, right?”
“Um…yes?”
“And you love to read books a lot, right? Love to read them so much you’d marry them if you could?”
“That’s one way to put it” Applejack chuckled.
“Well since you’re here, I need to ask you now. Where the buck is the Neighcronomicon?!”
Twilight blinked in confusion “The what?”
“You know, the Neighcronomicon, don’t tell me you haven’t heard of it.”
Twilight thought deeply until she remembered the leather coated book Fox Fire was talking about “Oh that. Never read it, I never even had the chance to, Celestia doesn’t even have it anymore, she loaned it to some province in Saddle Arabia after a request for it came from a celebrated scholar.”
“What?! Well when’s it coming back?”
“Never. Later it was found the note was a forgery*, a very good one, so I think it might never be coming back.”
Fox Fire collapsed with shock and groaned “Motherbucking thieves! We’re dead meat now!”
Rarity shuddered, she’d heard about the Neighcronomicon, it sounded absolutely disturbing…for Celestia’s sake, it was bound in LEATHER! Horse leather! And who didn’t know about the army of the undead it made that Captain Hurricane himself had to deal with, “What would you want that…ghastly book for anyway?”
Fox Fire shook his head “Listen lady, do you have any idea what’s in the woods, I know Applejack does, and did she tell you about the Juggernaut?”
“She did! She did!” Pinkie Pie chirped “She told me first, and she told me about how he-”
“Good, good. That means I don’t have to bring you up to speed” Fox Fire said, hurriedly interrupting her “Well he ran into me at the Ponyville border and would have beaten the hay outta me if I didn’t direct him to a local drug stash owned by some hippies.
“And there’s more drugs there than I remember seeing the last time I went snooping through the woods. They’ve even got five pounds of bath salts.”
The Mane Six all slowly but surely began to realize how much shit they were in, Fluttershy’s jaw dropped first, followed shortly by Rarity’s, Twilight’s, Pinkie’s (whose jaw literally hit the floor), Applejack, and lastly, Rainbow Dash, though she tried to hide it as best as she could.
“And now it seems that the best tool to make sure the Juggernaut doesn’t buck Ponyville up is out of my hooves, and now I’ve gotta find a new solution.”
He was about to trot off through the door when Twilight spoke up “Wait, what do you know about-”
“Twilight Sparkle. If I were you I’d get you and your friends to try and figure out your own defense of this town. But as far as I’m concerned, you’re on your own I’m afraid.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going off to my lab, I’ll be gone a long time and I really don’t want to be disturbed unless you happen to be an Alicorn. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta get the buck outta here!”
Fox Fire’s eyes turned to a look of panic and he hurriedly bolted right out of the door, and before anypony could respond to him he was running off to his house to try and make a more ‘chemical’ solution in case the Juggernaut simply couldn’t be contained.
But he might need to prepare for the arrival of a pimp cane affectionato and a goddamn alien who claims he’s made outta Laffy Taffy…

MEANWHILE, BACK ON EARTH…

“You little fuckin’ bitch! Give me the goddamn remote or I’ll fuck you up with my pimp cane!”
“Man, you have no idea who you’re fucking with, you see this stuff on the side’a my piece? It says Bad Motherfucker. Samuel L. Jackson gave it to me.”
“Man you didn’t even know Samuel L. Jackson.”
“What the fuck would you know?! You just fuck canes!”
This was the scene in the rented, currently trashed with fast food wrappers, pizza boxes, beer bottles and cans, apartment currently populated by the black suited mutant criminal Pimp Cane Padrino, and his occasional partner/occasional enemy, the Shi’Ar gangster who called himself Ketchup a, quote unquote ‘True Pimp’ who once stood up to the Juggernaut, and failed miserably…but at least he was able to talk Juggie out of the idea to “Kill him, rape him, and eat his fucking costume” which would have been a bad idea because his outfit was made out of condoms.
The two were currently high and arguing over what they wanted to watch on TV, said TV was stolen from the Kingpin, which was probably one of the stupidest things either of them have ever done.
As they continued arguing, suddenly, Trask’s flying ray-machine burst right through the wall…and their TV, ruining it forever.
“What the Hell’s that?!” Padrino muttered as he looked right at the machine, just as its barrel began to aim at them.
“It’s about to become a bunch’a shit that can’t even shit itself, that’s all I-”
Suddenly the machine blasted the two and then began to fly out to do the same to Ketchup’s Dodg- I mean spaceship.
If you thought just one Juggernaut is bad, wait until you see his co-thugs when they land in a place they think is filled with prostitute horses…

*And that’s how Mawa Sihr was able to get her hooves on the Neighcronomicon.