Love Is In Bloom

by Nosfrat

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Sex, Human, Anon, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance
Length: 14362

Anon's constant swearing results in Apple Bloom asking him to teach her about the birds and the bees. Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle keeps botching spells and Princess Luna has no life.

First person Anon x Apple Bloom romance / clopfic. Don't like? Don't read. Simple, isn't it?

Basic summary: Anon swears all the time, which leads to Apple Bloom asking him about the birds and the bees, which leads to him being like 'no', which leads to her using her evil filly powers to coerce him into being like 'yes', which ultimately leads to me writing the worst summary ever in the history of fanfiction.

Contains: angst, romance, passionate sex, anal, very soft BDSM and other tame fetishes, stupid shit, randomness, quotes, references, lyrics, zombies, communism, pizzas, Twilight botching spells, Luna having no life, and apples.
And a lot of other useless shit you could skip through just to get to the sex scene, I suppose. Originally written as a request for some dude on FanFiction.net, who requested 'an Apple Bloom version of A Sweet Winter Night'.

Rated Mature for obvious reasons: strong language (lol) and explicit sex.

Warning: this story is... I don't know, but by reading it, you agree not to hold me responsible for the potential loss of brain cells and IQ points.

Published 2014-03-28 09:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-28 09:50:03 UTC

Love Is In Bloom

"Goddammit, Applejack! Will you stop doing that?"

"Heh, sorry, sugarcube. Ah didn't see ya there," the country mare says with a smirk as she levitates yet another apple above my head, ready to drop it.

I duck and somehow manage to avoid it, and I stare angrily at the horned Earth pony. "How long does that thing last? It's been like an hour and I already wanna tear it off your head."

Her smirk turns into a sheepish smile as she realizes how annoyed I am. "Well, Ah'm not sure. Twilight said it would last until tonight, but Ah hope it stays forever. Ah can't believe how useful it is to harvest 'em apples!"

I roll my eyes. "You're an Earth pony, AJ. Seriously, I hate Twilight. I swear, the next time she uses that spell, I'm just gonna snap and become Nightmare Anonymous, and I'll bring eternal shitposting to all of Equestria. Besides, you already buck trees like a motherfucker! You can't use your temporary magic worth shit. Aside from pelting me in the head, you haven't done anything useful with it. I don't know if you realized, but since we started today, I actually did more work than you. That hadn't happened since like... well, that never happened."

"Yer such a buzzkill, Anon. Ah'm just havin' fun, is all. Maybe Twilight ought ta give ya a horn too, then you'd realize how fun it is."

In an impressive display of maturity, I point a finger at my crotch and she rolls her eyes.

"Look, can we just work? Back home, I never thought I would ever say that but... I'm here to work, so let's work, alright?"

"A'ight, sugarcube. But y'all need to learn to relax... it's like yer always workin', always bein' serious an' all. Ah'm worryin' about ya, ya know?" she says in a much softer tone, looking away from me.

"That's nice of you, but what can I say? I just don't get along with most ponies too well... Give it some time, maybe in a year or two, I'll be able to socialize more easily."

She doesn't answer as I turn away from her and start using my superior human stature to pick up apples instead of slamming shit into the trunk and hope the ripe fruits don't fall on my (admittedly thick) skull. Only a few minutes pass before three trees are done, and five buckets filled to the brim. Content with my work, I turn back to face AJ, half expecting her to be levitating an apple up her ass or something, but instead I see her slender yet muscled frame trotting away.

"Hey, AJ! Where are you going? We're not done here yet!" I shout, earning a glare from Big Mac who's nearby, working out with... uh, a branch and two barrels of cider, it seems? Weird ass hick ponies.

She turns her head back and levitates her hat to my face, swatting me on the nose with it. Goddamn, that smell... fresh hay, sweat and the slightest hint of musk...

No. Don't even think about it, boner.

Before I could tell her to suck my dick, which tends to be my universal answer to just about anything that doesn't go my way, she shouts, "Ah'm yer boss, Anon. Ah'll worry 'bout myself. Y'all keep workin', ya hear?"

I frown and crack my knuckles angrily, turning back to a large tree trunk. I angrily slam my inferior, soft, single human foot into it, and let out a scream. A pained, anguished scream of pain and anguish.

"MOTHERFUCKER!"

This day sucks already.

I enter the barn and drop another two buckets full of apples. I'll never understand what the fuck ponies do with all these apples, but it's not like I'm paid to figure that out or anything. It's not like I give a shit, either.

Applejack turns to me and raises an eyebrow. "What are ya doin' here? We ain't finished for this morning, Anon."

"Well, I am."

"No, yer not. We always harvest at least fifteen buckets worth o' apples, ya remember?"

"Yeah, I remember that you harvest at least half of that before I can fill one up. Those two are my ninth and tenth for this morning, respectively, I worked more in four hours than I usually do in two days, so verily I say, you can suck my dick right now."

She puts a hoof to her chin and gives me a blasé look. "Anon, what did I tell ya about swearin'?"

"I don't know, I can't quite remember over the sound of you sucking my dick."

She scowls at me. "That doesn't even make any sense. Ya know Anon, you an' Ah gonna need to have some words 'bout that language o' yours, one day."

Suddenly, a younger voice comes from behind me. "Sis', what's a dick?"

The country mare glares at her younger sister. "Apple Bloom! Ah thought you were with yer friends!"

"Ah was! But it's lunch time, and Ah'm hungry!" she stares as me before smiling. She always seems so happy and innocent...

"Heh... Ah reckon Anon did good for now, so Ah suppose we can go have lunch," Applejack says, smiling for the first time since she stopped flinging apples at me.

I put a hand to my chin and look up. "Hm. I wonder what's for dinner."

"A bunch of apple shit!" Apple Bloom beams, jumping around happily.

"APPLE BLOOM!" her older sister shrieks. "Where in tarnation did ya hear those words?"

"Anon said that the other day!"

I give Apple Bloom a disappointed, 'I thought we were cool' glare. Before Applejack can scold me, I put up a hand defensively and look at her. "I might have said that, but look, when you come from my world, and all of a sudden your meals consist of nothing but apple-derived products... well, it's off-putting, to say the least."

"Ah understand, but if Ah catch ya swearin' in front o' mah sister again, ya can kiss yer job goodbye."

"Fuck's sake," I mutter under my breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Let's eat."

A few minutes later, Applejack, Apple Bloom, Big Macintosh, Granny Smith and I are sitting around a large table, with a bunch of apple shit in our plates.

"Hey, Anon?" the little filly asks, spitting her apple fritter all over me.

Trying to stay calm as I clean myself up with a paper towel, I nod at her. "Yeah?"

"What's a dick?"

Applejack nearly does a spit take as I raise my arms to cover myself. I then give Apple Bloom an incredulous look. "I don't think that's something you should be worrying about. You know, you don't have one anyway."

She puts a hoof to her chin as she seems to think about it. "Well, can't ya give me yours?"

I deadpan as Applejack sprays me (and half of the room) with cider. Looking around, I'm relieved to see Granny Smith snoring, and Big Mac looking out of the window, his give-a-fuck-o-meter firmly remaining on zero.

"Apple Bloom, that's uh... that's not exactly how things works. You know the difference between mares and stallions, don't you?"

"Ah think so. Stallions have deeper voices an' all, an' mares are better at cookin'."

I facepalm as Big Mac starts giving his first fuck of the day/month/year/decade/whatever. "Ah cooked this meal," he says, a hint of pride in his voice.

Had it been anypony else, I would have made a shitty remark, but while I'm not scared of Mac per se, I don't really want to get on his bad side. "It's a good meal, Mac. You can cook, I guess."
Which is true, while I'm sick of apple related food, it's still good food.

"Ah know," he says matter-of-factly, and turns back to gazing out of the window. This pony... goddamn, this pony.

"Anyway Bloom, that's not the difference. Stallions and mares, you see..." I trail off as I look at Applejack. "Seriously AJ, you never taught her about that shit?"

The orange pony looks at me. "She doesn't even have her cutie mark yet, Anon! She's too young to hear 'bout the birds an' bees."

"What? What birds an' bees?"

I glare at AJ. "See? You need to talk to your sister about that. She may not have her cutie mark yet but she's definitely old enough to know about those things, and how they work."

I decide against putting another mouthful of apple fritter in my mouth as I hear Apple Bloom snorting loudly, signaling an incoming question. Sure enough, she snorts again before asking, "Do the birds an' bees have somethin' to do with the fact Anon always wants his dick sucked?"

This time, even Granny Smith wakes up and snorts. Thankfully, she just takes a bite of her food and promptly falls back asleep.

Big Mac chuckles and actually looks at me in the eyes as he does a weird thing with his front hooves, which kind of looks like the pony equivalent of a thumbs up.

Applejack looks at me sternly. "Ya see where yer bad manners lead? Now who's gonna explain lil' Apple Bloom here why yer always talkin' like a pervert?"

"Sis'! What's a pervert?"

"Darn it, Apple Bloom!"

"Yeah, shut the fuck up and let grown-ups talk, you little punk!" I shout confidently, puffing up my chest. Granny Smith is still sleeping and drooling in her plate, Big Mac is still looking at fuck knows what, and Applejack is still not amused. Clearly, ponies aren't used to such concentrated doses of manliness. The little filly just looks at me.

"What's fuck?"

Beta Faggot, this is Faggot Alpha.

Yeah, brain, this is Anon. What's up?

Hostile contacts at twelve o'clock. Please advise.

Copy that. Engage evasive maneuvers, we're RTB. Anon, out.

Jumping off my chair, I put on my best 'abandon thread' face as I moonwalk out of the room.

"Anon! Yer apple fritter!"

"Eat it! Just, eat it!" I sing, though such 'jokes' obviously go over ponies' heads.

"Darn vermin."

Finally outside... I sigh and sit down, resting my back against the red wall. "Man, this family's fucking crazy... I can't believe I've been working here for like two months already."

Still, I wish I could have had such a great (although fucked up) family back home.

I chill outside for a little while before I feel a weight in my lap. Opening my eyes, I see a large, red bow. "Apple Bloom? What are you doing here?"

She smiles at me in the most adorable way (though one would be hard-pressed to find something that's not adorable about that filly) and puts a hoof on my chest. "Can ya explain me what dick means?"

Okay, that was not adorable.

Yes, it was.

Shut up, brain.

"Well, Bloom... I'm not sure your sister would be too happy if I explained you everything..." I say, embarrassed as I honestly have no idea how to tackle the topic of sex with a teenage yellow cartoon horse.

"She doesn't hear, ya can tell me everythin'! Ah wanna know, Anon! Ah love learnin' new things! Miss Cheerilee always said Ah was the fastest learner!" she says in what I could have sworn was a sultry tone.

No, bad boner! You better stay the fuck down.

An idea pops in my mind. "I'm gonna take the rest of the day off. I don't think Applejack wants me around right now, anyway.... so, what do you say we hit Sugarcube Corner and get ourselves some ice cream?"

Her smiles grows wider as she wraps her hooves around my neck. "Yer the best, Anon! Ah wish ya were mah brother!"

See? She's a hick. That means she wants you.

Alright brain, that does it. Time for radio silence.

Negative, there- ... [static]

I lift the little pony off me, and place her on the ground. I get up and smile down at her. "C'mon, let's get something to eat that's not an apple."

After an uneventful walk from Sweet Apple Acres to the giant gingerbread house that would give anyone diabetes, Apple Bloom and I sit down at a little table in a corner, somewhat surprised not to have gotten a faceful of pink curls yet. The building is almost empty, and only Carrot Cake is trotting around, doing whatever it is ponies who own the town's only bakery and still manage to have it be completely empty during lunch do.

After carefully glancing around, I whisper to the filly sitting in front of me, "So, Bloom... what is it that you wanted to know?"

She cocks her head in confusion, probably wondering why I whisper. "Ah wanna know all about whatever it is ya were talkin' about. Dicks, fuck an' everything!" she says enthusiastically, and with a cute, innocent smile that only makes what she just said sound more disturbing.

"Alright, do you know where-" I stop as Carrot Cake approaches our table.

"What can I get you two? Oh, hello Anon."

"Yo, Carrot. What's up, mah nigga?"

We brohoof/fist and give each other knowing smirks. For a fat fuck like me, the owner of such a place just had to be a complete bro.

"Bloom, what you havin'?"

She seems to think it over for a few seconds, before replying, "Whatever you're having, Anon.".

It's a little odd to see that filly acting differently today, but I don't really think anything of it. I turn to Carrot with a large smirk plastered on my fat face. "Well, I'm gonna take a giant cup of vanilla ice cream, with a lot of hot caramel. I mean a lot. It's gotta be drippin' all over the motherfucker, you know what I'm sayin'?"

He gives me a knowing smile. "Sure, I got you. And Miss Apple Bloom, you will have the same, then?"

She grins at me. "Yeah... but with extra nuts."

I raise an eyebrow, trying hard not to overthink things. I mean, as much as I'd like to say that not having gotten any action for over a year is the reason everything sounds sexual to me, the truth is, everything always sounded sexual to me no matter what. Besides, she doesn't even know what she's saying...
Right?

Mr. Cake walks away and Apple Bloom leans on the table with half-lidded eyes. "What were we saying?"

"Uh... I don't know... oh... yeah. Right. You wanted me to explain you... things."

Her ears perk up and she starts grinning again. "Yeah, Ah wanted to know all about those things. Ah'm old enough, you know!"

I raise an eyebrow. "I don't know if you are... Anyway, do you know the main difference between mares and stallions? Other than the voice and cooking skills, that is."

She shrugs. "Well, duh. Mares have holes and stallions have little banana thingies."

Yes brain, what is it this time?

Left eye is waiting on your mark. Press 5 for Heavy Twitching.

Negative, stand by.

Boner is waiting for deployment. I wasn't trained for this shit, we're overloaded and we-

Stand the fuck by and shut the fuck up. I'm assuming full control, over.

"Well, the word dick is slang for those 'bananas', as you say."

"But then, why do you always want everypony to suck your banana?"

Mr. Cake, who was just walking back from the kitchen with our orders, barely manages to balance the plate on his right hoof as his body starts convulsing in laughter. I shoot him an angry glare, and he eventually calms down, wiping a tear off his face with his left hoof.
How can ponies not fall with both forehooves off the ground, I will never know.

"I'm sorry, Anon, it's just... I just didn't think you liked 'em that young, you know?"

I pretend to ignore him until both my and Bloom's orders are on the table, and I grab him by the throat, bringing him close enough for the filly not to hear what I'm about to say.

"What the fuck are you playin' at? You wanna get me thrown in jail or what? I'm just trying to explain her about sex and all those things, since apparently her family won't. That's all! You understand?"

He gives me a sheepish look. "Well Anon, I didn't mean to, um, offend you... but why would you get thrown in jail?"

I give him my best implied facepalm glare. "Because she's a filly..."

His look turns into one of confusion. "So?"

"So? So that's illegal!" I almost shout, starting to feel a little annoyed by whatever the fuck he was up to.

"What is illegal?"

I raise an eyebrow, my mind ninety-eight percent fucked. "Rape?"

"If you both want it, it's not rape."

I raise another eyebrow and duct-tape it in place. "Even if she's a kid?"

Exasperated, the yellow stallion backs away from me and screams, "IF SHE WANTS IT, IT CAN'T BE RAPE!"

After noticing the looks he's receiving from the two mares who have just entered the building, he clears his throat and walks away, pretending this conversation never took place.

However, I now feel confused as hell. Whatever... it's not like I was gonna do anything with Apple Bloom.
Sure, she's cute. Sure, she has that bubbly, sweet innocent attitude I always liked in a girl. Sure, I haven't gotten laid in ages...

But damn it, she's a pastel pony! A little pastel pony at that. Little, both in age and size. How could sex even work with a two feet tall equine?
And why am I even thinking about that? Am I really considering sex with an underage cartoon horse?

'Fuck is wrong with me? Why do-

Her cute voice stirs me out of my thoughts. "You ain't eatin', Anon?"

"Uh?" I realize I still didn't touch my bowl of ice cream. "Oh. Yeah no, I'm gonna eat. I was just thinking about something."

I put a spoonful of vanilla-flavored delight in my mouth and sigh as the delicious, sugary treat starts making out with my tastebuds in the most delectable of ways.

"Were you thinking about your dick?"

I wipe my mouth and look at the little filly, now covered in saliva, caramel and half-melted ice cream, though she doesn't seem to care at all.

"Goddamn! No! Why would you even ask that?"

Her cute and innocent smile never faltering, she shrugs in the most adorable way. "Ah don't know. Mah sis' says stallions like to think about their dicks. Or with their dicks... Ah'm not sure. Ah always have to eavesdrop on her if Ah wanna know things. She keeps treatin' me like a baby. Ah ain't a baby, Anon. Ah may not be a mare yet, but Ah'm not a filly anymore!" she says, pouting in (once again) an unfairly cute way.

I don't know enough about all that horse shit to tell whether she's still a filly or not, but I'm starting to think she already knows most of what she claims wanting to learn from me.

We eat the rest of our 'meal' in silence, randomly making (and swiftly breaking) eye contact every now and then. Eventually, it's time to go and we happily pat our bellies before getting up, and walking to the counter.

"Carrot! How much do I owe you, man?"

"Don't worry, this was on the house. Keep your bits, and do something fun with 'em."

I cock my head and scratch my balls. "For real?"

"Yeah, you're a pretty darn good customer, Anon. You deserve a freebie every now and then."

I look at Apple Bloom and give her a thumbs up. "Comrade! Capitalism has been eradicated at last! The spirit of Marx will now reign over this land until the end of our time. While Celestia's cherished giant ball of plasma will eventually die, communism will live on, for today and for always evermore! FOR THE MOTHERLAND!"

She gives me a 'u wot m8' look as I turn back to Carrot. "Well, uh, anyway, thanks a lot. Say hello to your wife for me!"

"Will do!" he replies, giving me a warm smile. Sometimes I wonder if this dude knows that on a one to ten cuckold scale, he's ranking European... oh well, whatever. He's still a really nice guy.

Exiting the building, I turn to the little filly trotting beside me. "So, you wanna head back to the farm now?"

"Ah don't know... what time is it?"

I check my watch and shake my head. "Already five? Damn... well, I guess we better head back."

"Can ya carry me? Ah think Ah ate too much..." she asks with a diabetes-inducing smile.

Seriously. She's cheating. I wasn't trained for this shit. This is not fair.
I pick her up, cradling her into my arms as I start walking back towards Sweet Apple Acres.

Twilight Sparkle and her four friends are gathered around an unconscious Applejack, whose swollen, purple forehead is adorned with a bloated horn that has nearly doubled in size.

The lavender unicorn feels a bead of sweat roll down her face as she paces around. "That wasn't supposed to happen!"

The other four ponies give her their best 'you don't fucking say' faces as I arrive, wondering what the commotion is all about. I put Apple Bloom down and look at Twilight's ass, shaking like mad as she's trying different spells.

I have no shame admitting that pony butts are extremely relevant to my interests, but Twilight's butt is... sad. I mean, it's obviously not dat ass, but it's not even an average pone flank, either. It's just plain flat and boring.
And bony... how can an awkward librarian who loves hayburgers be so skinny?

"Stay here, Bloom. I'm gonna see what's happening," I say as I put her down.

"A'ight Anon," she says, a little disappointed that she could no longer snuggle against my chest as we walked together.

"Hey, Twi! What's going on?"

"Anon!" she nearly shrieks. "What are you doing here?"

"woah 2edgy back off" I wince and put my hands up defensively.

"And that means?" she asks incredulously.

"That means I spent the afternoon with Apple Bloom, and I was just bringing her back home. Whasscrackin' witchu? No homie love? No hug?"

"Um..." she starts, glancing around as though she were looking for an excuse I would buy without questioning her too much. "Can you take Apple Bloom back to your home? You two go have a sleepover and all... it'll be fun, I promise! You can drop by the library and borrow my 'Sleepover 101' book, if you want. You won't regret it!"

I roll my eyes. "No, thanks. Now tell me what in the bloody hell is going on here? Wait no! Don't tell me, let me guess... you tried some new, experimental and one hundred percent useless spell, and it failed miserably."

The mare gives me a death glare, before lowering her head and letting out a defeated sigh. "Yes... yes, it did. And I'm afraid I will need to ask Princess Celestia herself about this. Applejack's condition is... not critical, actually, it's pretty stable, but uh... she's in some sort of coma. I think she has become paralyzed by the magical energy flowing through her... every part of her body has shut down as a reaction to the foreign magic, like a defense mechanism. And most of her blood, now containing magic, has been pushed back into her horn and forehead, in an attempt to lock out and fight back what her body probably considers an infection."

"That sounds bad," I state bluntly, not really giving a shit.

"Yes. Yes, it is bad. But she'll be fine... although we need to depart for Canterlot now. We probably won't be back until tomorrow, and that's why I want you to take Apple Bloom with you. I don't want her to know what's happening. The poor little thing... she would be completely freaked out! Traumatized forever! Can you imagine that?"

I try to repress the thoughts of my first encounter with Twilight. The memories of her drunken self projectile-puking a mixture of scotch whiskey, hay and cabbage in my face upon seeing my (understandably) freaked out self waking up in the middle of her library after a rogue magical accident are still very fucking fresh in my mind.

"Yes. I can totally imagine that. Well Twi, I suppose you ain't worst pony after all, but you should really work out and eat a lot more. I mean fuck, your butt is so flat, I kept staring at it and not only did my cock remain a hundred and ten percent flaccid, but I didn't even feel like groping or slapping it! Your butt, I mean, not my cock. Can you imagine that shit? But other than that, you're pretty okay in my book, I guess."

Heh 'in my book'.
I make funny joke

"I... uh... thank you?"

"You're welcome, Twi. Alright, you guys have fun in the city of snob ass horned punks. And try not to experiment with potentially lethal spells on your friends in the future, Twilight... you know? I mean, imagine one day..." I trail off as I lock eyes with her in a dramatic fashion, before putting on my best 'dorky female unicorn' voice. "Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that I shouldn't play God and experiment with race-altering spells on my friends. Your stupid purple hornsleeve, Twat Sparkle. PS: Applejack's funeral is tomorrow at four o'clock."

She glares at me and her horn lights up. "Take Apple Bloom to your home and STAY THERE!" she screams with a glare that could kill lesser men.

I shrug, taking solace in my near complete immunity to all things magic. "Okay, bye."

I walk away and wave at Apple Bloom, who (thankfully) was still where I left her. "Hey Bloom, wanna have a sleepover at my place tonight?"

Her face lights up. "Sure! But, my family... they're gonna be worried! Ah'm just gonna tell 'em that-"

I cut her off and fake a smile. "No, no! I just did. They asked me to take care of you, they're all going to Canterlot for some royal business. Real boring stuff, you know?"

She cocks her head. "Oh... then it means we're gonna be alone at your place?" she asks with a grin.

"Well, uh... yeah? I guess."

Her grin grows to physically impossible proportions. "Bueno."

"Ah'm done! Ya can go, Anon!"

"Alright, I won't be long."

The filly trots down the stairs with a towel around her mane, replacing her trademark bow. I walk up the stairs and enter the bathroom. Nothing like a good ol' shower to feel better after a long day of mindfuck... although I do have the sinking feeling that the mindfuck isn't going to end anytime soon.

Fifteen minutes later, I walk downstairs wearing nothing but a towel on my head, and a pair of blue boxers. Sadly, Rarity was unable to grasp the concept of the master race, and could never properly recreate those sexy ass black briefs I liked so much back home. So, I had to settle for the dirty peasant filth... and as I walk up to the couch, things flash through my mind.

OUT OF THE WAY FUCKING NOBLEMEN

PEASANT COMING THROUGH

NOBLMAN, SWERVE

FUCKING OMG

As I sit down, I notice Apple Bloom staring at me for a little longer than I would have thought necessary, although it was admittedly the first time she ever saw me not fully clothed. She shakes her head and smiles at me. "So Anon, what do we do?"

"I don't know..." I say, shrugging. "We can play something. I'll have to go make dinner in about an hour or so, anyway."

Her ears perk up. "That's the thing you do with that magic device you had when ya arrived here?"

Silly pones. "It's technology, not magic," I say in a condescending tone as I open a drawer and retrieve my old gaming laptop, now powered by a magical battery, courtesy of Princess Luna. "Well, it was."

She jumps in my lap as I set things up. "What are we gonna play? What are we gonna play?"

"You'll see," I smirk as I launch Steam. Surely enough, no connection could be made to the network, etc. Not like this shit worked back on Earth, either.

"Actually, what am I gonna play. No offense Bloom, but those things weren't really designed for pony hooves," I say as I point a finger at the keyboard. "Luna is a casual so she has a controller, but she needs her magic to use it," I add, frowning in disgust at the thought of a princess using such a filthy device.

"Oh..." she lowers her head, before clearing her throat and smiling at me. "Well, what are ya gonna play?"

I blink as the intro cutscene plays at its usual (choppy) thirty to forty-ish FPS.

"What's a black op?" she asks, eyeing the screen with interest.

"I'm not even sure, but that doesn't matter. I'm gonna slay the dead."

"Slay the dead? Yer gonna kill things that are already dead?" she asks incredulously.

I give her a mysterious stare. "Element one-one-five... necromancers... raising the dead! Real creepy stuff."

She seems unfazed as she rests her head on my thigh.

I smile as the telltale sound of the M.D.T. subsides, leaving me in control of my character.

'No power! Just like home!'

"Who the hay said that?" Apple Bloom asks as she glances around.

I chuckle and pat her on the head. "Just the character I'm playing as. Pre-recorded voices."

Her eyes widen as she realizes just how advanced this shit is compared to pony stuff. "So that's another human talkin'?"

"Yeah. He's supposed to be Russian, though, so he put on a heavy accent."

"Russian?"

"Humans who live in Russia, it's another country where I'm from. We have lots of different countries, and most of them have their own language," I state matter-of-factly as I knife the sixth zombie.

"Is that all yer gonna do? Swing a thingy at black human things?"

I chuckle mildly at a cartoon pony calling nazis 'black'. "They're not black, they're dressed in black. Remember, humans wear clothes."

"Oh..."

She remains silent as I complete round two, but she winces a bit when I buy an M14 rifle and start (literally) popping some heads.

"It's violent!"

"Yeah well, they're zombies, you know how it is, right?" I ask rhetorically, actually wondering if they had zombies in Equestria. Compared to some of the magical shit they had, deceased corpses brought back to life could almost sound 'normal'.

"Ah know, Ah saw a movie with Sweetie Belle an' Scootaloo few weeks ago... Cutie Mark Crusaders Zombie Slayers! Ugh, never again... that movie made me sick," she says as she fakes a retching sound.

"Was it that bad?" I ask as Samantha sends her oversized puppies to get slaughtered by the Red Menace.

"Yes, it had a lot o' blood an' things! We had to sneak in, though, no colts or fillies were allowed," she says in a sheepish tone.

"Well, and for good reason."

"Ah reckon... hey, what is this thing on the wall?"

"Huh?" I take my eyes off the screen, and look at Apple Bloom's confused face, then back at the screen. "Oh, that? It's a PM63."

"What is that?"

"A submachine gun. Kinda like the bright chrome thingy I had in the beginning, but it shoots much faster."

"Why don't you take it?"

I frown. "It's a Polish gun," I wave my hand dismissively at her. "Kurwa!"

"What?"

"Say, Anon?"

"Hm?"

"Can we-"

"SUCK ME OFF!" I shout angrily, 'dying' after a double slap, courtesy of my Bowie knife slash having failed to register.

'I have made mess in trousers!'

"Fuck. Goddamn, I forgot how much cock this game sucked."

"Ah can suck yer cock, ya know," she says with a smile, unfazed by my outburst of autistic rage.

"Yeah, I know," I say blankly, getting up while the laptop is powering down. Suddenly, I freeze up, having realized what she said. "Wait, what?"

She smiles brightly at me. "Ah know yer always asking everypony to suck yer cock, Anon."

"Yeah, but that's my way of telling peop- er, ponies, to fuck off. I don't literally ask 'em to suck it." I look around nervously. What the fuck was she playing at?

She giggles. "Whatever ya say. Can you teach me more about that?" she asks innocently.

"About what?" I take a step back, unsure of whether I truly want to know what she's talking about or not.

"Everythin'! Ah wanna know all 'bout sex."

"Oh, sure," I sit down and once again, what she just said hits me. "What?"

"C'mon, Anon! Yer a grown up, Ah know ya can teach me."

"Damn it, Bloom! That's not something you can just teach! Especially not to a young filly!"

"Why not?"

I throw my hands into the air dramatically. "Because!"

"Because what?" she gets up and tries to stare me down.

"Because humans don't explain underage horses how to fuck. Period," I manage to say with my best poker face on.

"But..." she trails off, looking down sadly.

"But?" I inquire.

"It's... it's nothin', Anon. Ah'm sorry," the little filly sighs and slumps over on my couch. I shrug, trying to shake off that dreary feeling of impending doom, and walk into the kitchen. I start to make a mess of my pots and pans before realizing I don't have anything to eat, since I was gonna use whatever Applejack would have paid me by the end of the day to go buy something. Oh well, time to pull some strings.

I walk back into the living room and turn the laptop back on. Apple Bloom looks at me with a curious expression. "What are ya doing?"

"Ordering something. Want a pizza?"

Her ears perk up and she beams at me. "Ah love pizzas!"

"I know you do. Everypony loves pizzas," I put on a fake smile as I pat her on the head, and mutter to myself, "fucking vegetarian horses."

"What?"

"Nothing."

I browse my folders. Damn, Luna gave me a lot of games... Mere hours after I showed her my shit, she was quick to send all of Equestria into a frenzied rush to create the technology necessary for gaming. And while ponies did manage to create video games... to this very day, Luna and I are still the only two possessors of such technology.

Manecraft, Saddlefield, Grand Theft Carriage, Ponymon Night & Ponymon Day... ah, there it is. I double-click the .exe and wait for the client to load.

'Lfire. Gaming Lunafied.'

This will always make me chuckle. At least she's connected. I send her a message and wait, hoping that she's awake. After all, it's not completely dark outside yet.

Anonymous: Yo, Luna.

xPr1nc3sS: ANONYMOUS! HOW ART THOU?

I smile and wink at Apple Bloom.

"What in tarnation are ya doin', Anon?"

"I'm talking with Princess Luna."

xPr1nc3sS: DOST THOU WISH TO JOIN US FOR A GAME OF MODERN WARMARE TWO? WE ARE MOST EAGER TO SHOW THEE OUR NIGHT SKY CAMOUFLAGE WE UNLOCKED YESTERDAY.

Anonymous: Luna, you play offline... quit bragging.

xPr1nc3sS: ART THOU QUESTIONING THY PRINCESS' SKILLS?

Anonymous: What if I am?

xPr1nc3sS: THOU ART COURAGEOUS, ANONYMOUS. WE LIKE THAT IN A STALLION.

Anonymous: Sure. Can I ask you something?

xPr1nc3sS: WE ARE LISTENING.

Anonymous: Could you get us some pizza? I know you have more cooks and guards than you know what to do with, I'm having a sleepover with Apple Bloom and we don't have shit to eat.

xPr1nc3sS: THAT IS A VERY GOOD THING, ANONYMOUS. FECES IS NOT SOMETHING HEALTHY FOR PONIES TO EAT. WE CAN MOST CERTAINELY DO THEE SUCH A FAVOR. TWO ROYAL NIGHT GUARDS WILL BE AT THY DOOR VERY SOON WITH ENOUGH FOOD FOR THEE AND THY FRIEND TO FEAST UPON.

Anonymous: Thanks. I'll pay you back next week when I'll come to wreck your shit at MW2.

xPr1nc3sS: WE WILL BE MOST HAPPY TO ACCEPT THY CHALLENGE. WE WILL WIPE THE ROYAL BEDCHAMBERS' FLOOR WITH THY VIRTUAL BLOOD, ANONYMOUS. WE HAVE PRACTICED QUITE A LOT.

Anonymous: Yeah, yeah, don't get cocky.

xPr1nc3sS: WE MOST CERTAINELY ARE NOT. FAREWELL, ANONYMOUS. WE HOPE THOU AND THY FRIEND ENJOY YOUR ROYAL PIZZAS.

Anonymous: Alright, thanks.

xPr1nc3sS: OUR COOK AND WE WISH THEE BON APPÉTIT.

Anonymous: What's that? And speaking of your cook, I'm still waiting for the day you'll FINALLY get me some meat from the griffon kingdom.

xPr1nc3sS left the conversation.

"Well, fuck that." I close Lfire and lean back on the couch, stretching my arms and smiling at Apple Bloom. "I'm sorry if I sounded angry, Bloom. It's just... it's just kinda weird that you'd start asking me all these questions... I mean, I'm not even a pony. I doubt my knowledge of human sexuality could be of much use to you."

She leans into me and returns the smile. "Ah know... but Ah like ya, and I trust ya."

I ruffle her mane, eliciting a giggle from the cute little filly. "I like you too, Bloom." I give her a warm smile and run Black Ops again.

"Goddammit, Luna..." I sigh and press F in front of the box. "Suck me off," I mutter under my breath, reluctantly picking up the (useless) assault rifle. "It's been like, nearly one hour already... I'm hungry."

"Ah'm hungry too, but ya should quit talkin', Anon. Yer almost on round thirty-five, ya gotta stay focused!"

I shrug as I shred one and a half magazine of FAMAS bullets into one single zombie. "Implying that's anything special."

'Ha! You cannot even beat a drunk Soviet!'

'GAME OVER: YOU SURVIVED 41 ROUNDS'

"What? How the hay did ya die, Anon?"

I sigh. This piece of shit game is trolling me so blatantly, even a cartoon pony from another dimension calls bullshit on my deaths. As I'm about to start ranting about Treyarch, capitalism and how the Ray Gun can puke a gallon of vanilla milk on my cock, the doorbell rings. I walk up to the door and open it, only to see a bat pony with a stern expression on his face, which is quickly replaced by a smirk as I look down and realize I'm still wearing nothing but underwear.

He clears his throat. "Mister Anonymous?"

I raise an eyebrow and make a show of scratching my balls. "Yeah? That would be me."

He looks away, trying not to laugh, supposedly because humans don't have horse-sized cocks. Or something. "We are here on a secret mission for Her Royal Majesty, Princess Luna of Equestria."

"...Her Royal Majesty?"

"Yes," he says, still looking far too serious for a pony making fun of my (obviously superior and perfectly average) human genitalia.

"Uh, alright. What's the deal?"

"Our mission is simple. We were instructed to make sure that the creature known as Anonymous and his friend received the royal meals Princess Luna has ordered us to get for them."

"Cool. Why are you using the royal we, though?"

"I am not," he says as he turns his head to the right. "Darky, I request your presence immediately."

I blink as another bat pony trots from behind a nearby bush with two flat cardboard boxes. Darky? Really? Just how cliché was that name?

They both bow as I grab the boxes, smiling as the delicious scent fills my nostrils. 'Darky' clears his throat to get my attention, and nods to the little piece of paper he's holding in his mouth. I raise an eyebrow as I grab it and read it.

Va chier, connard.

Gustave LE GRAND

I shrug. I guess Luna's cook is trying to communicate with me or something.

Apple Bloom comes up from behind me, nuzzling my thigh before staring at the two larger stallions. "Yer Princess Luna's guards?"

'Darky' stares at Apple Bloom. "Yes, little one." She just shrugs and trots back inside, licking her lips in anticipation.

They both bow again and spread their wings. "Our mission is a complete success. Farewell, Anonymous."

"Yeah, bye guys." I watch them disappear into the night sky as Apple Bloom calls for me. Damn these guys are whack.

"Anon! Yer comin'?"

"I'm inbound, E.T.A. twenty-" I'm cut off as Darky jabs me in the thigh with a hoof. I frown at him. "Yeah, what? Thought you were gone?"

"We almost forgot... Her Royal Majesty, Princess Luna of Equestria, has asked us to make sure you would take these pills. They are appetite enhancers," he says nervously, handing me two small blue pills.

I raise an eyebrow. "No thanks, I'm already hungry as fuck."

He starts fidgeting with his hooves. "Um, Princess Luna has insisted. You need to take these pills. The little pony is not to have any though, for the consequences would be far too great for your mind to fathom."

I deadpan at him. "What. So much what, I can't even use a question mark right now." I lean towards him and put a hand on his withers, giving him an angry glare. "What are those pills?"

"They're, um... they're appetite enhancers,", he says, his eyes darting around.

Knowing Luna, and now having seen her guards, I'm pretty sure I won't get an actual answer out of him, so I simply do what I usually do best: say 'fuck it' and drop the issue. "Whatever you say, man. Just tell her I did take 'em so she doesn't start tripping. But like fuck I will, I'm not touching these things."

He frowns before stomping the ground in anger. "You will take them! It is a royal order from-" I cut him off by shoving the two pills into his open maw, and clamping it shut with a hand until he's forced to swallow them.

"Let's pretend I did, okay? Now get the fuck off my lawn." I close the door on them and walk inside, ready to stuff my face with cheesy goodness.

Slouching on my couch like the laziest motherfucker on Earth- er, in Equestria, I sigh happily and pat my full belly. "Man. That food filled a hole." I flash Apple Bloom a lazy smile, which she returns with one of her trademark 'cuteness overdose' smiles.

"That was one of the best pizzas Ah've ever eaten!" she says enthusiastically.

"Yeah, I admit that was good, despite being vegetarian..."

"What do we do now, Anon? Ah don't wanna watch y'all have a nap 'cause ya ate too much."

Sinking even further into my (excessively soft) couch, I give her a grin. "Oh, whatever gave you that idea?"

She lets out a small giggle and jumps on my chest, making me gasp as the air is brutally taken away from my lungs. "Ah! Bloom, what the fuck was that for?"

"That was for eatin' more than me. Yer gettin' chubby, Anon. Ah reckon ya should help mah sister more often."

I roll my eyes. "Well, I think your sister has a little... er, issue with me. The way I talk and all."

"Right... do ya still want everypony to suck yer dick?"

I can't even find the strength to argue about that with her anymore. I just shrug instead. "Nah, no sex during digestion."

Still standing on my chest, the filly inches closer to my face. "Why not?"

With the amount of food my body is currently trying to process, I can't even find a fuck to give about how close to me she's getting. "Because I'm tired. Tired sex is bad sex."

I start dozing off when Apple Bloom, still standing on me, jabs me in the arm with a hoof. "Urgh... what's up?"

"Ya said ya weren't gonna sleep, Anon!"

"I never said that."

"But you can't sleep! Besides..." she trails off and looks down, blushing, "I have some pizza left for you."

That certainely woke me up. "Really? Where?" I look to the side and, not seeing anything, my eyes calmly resettle on the little pony standing on top of me... until I realize what exactly lays before my eyes.

"APPLE BLOOM! WHAT THE FUCK?" I shriek, although I'm too lazy to actually move. She has turned around, her tail is raised and her private parts exposed to me, in all their glory. "WOAH SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

"Ya like it, Anon?" she asks in a sultry tone. "Fresh pizza for ya! Don't be shy, y'all can have a taste!"

"NO!" I scream instinctively, although I have to admit... between her perfectly smooth, glistening pink slit, contrasting with the dark red of her tail and bright yellow of her coat, and the fact that I haven't seen womanly (marely?) parts in... longer than a man should ever have to go without seeing womanly parts... it does look inviting.
Enticing, even.

I shake those thoughts away and try to regain my composure. Grabbing her little body, I turn her around and look sternly into her eyes. "Apple Bloom... what's wrong with you? Just what's gotten into you?"

"Ah... Ah thought you would like it! Ah heard stallions like seeing that part of a mare's body..." she says, a pained look of dejection on her face.

"Well, maybe, but I'm not a stallion! And you're too young, Bloom!"

"NO AH'M NOT!" she shouts, slamming her muzzle against my nose. "Ah'm not, and Ah will prove it to ya!" she says, a mix of determination and sultriness in her voice. I nearly let out a shameful moan as her long, flat tongue runs along my jawline, until its tip starts tickling my earlobe. Whatever the hell she's doing, I was not prepared for it.

Suppressing yet another moan (and a blush), I try to stop her. "Apple Bloom! Can't we talk about this?"

"No, Ah don't wanna talk! Ah need this, Anon."

"Yeah, but I don't, so please, get the fuck off me?"

"NO!"

I facepalm as I remember that she must weigh forty-five pounds at best, and I simply push her off me, and put her down on the couch next to me. "The booty is mine. It belongs to me," I try to explain her calmly. "You cannot take my booty."

Taken aback by my antics, she raises an eyebrow. "What?"

"A man's butt."

"Ah don't know what that means. Ah just want... y'all know perfectly what Ah want!"

"Yes, I'm starting to understand. You want to have underage sex with an alien nearly thrice as tall as you, and probably five times as heavy. That's so fucking wrong and creepy, and on so many levels... I shouldn't even have to say no."

"But... ya said you'd take care of me! Ya said we'd have a sleepover an' all!"

"And we will, but a sleepover doesn't mean having sex, Bloom."

"Why? Ah need it, Anon! Why won't you help me?"

"Just go find a damn colt, for fuck's sake! I'm not a horsefucker, and I will not bring dishonor to the Emperor by sticking my dick in the unholy."

"Ah... what? Anonymous, why are ya always sayin' strange things that don't make no sense?"

"Because I am legion."

"What?"

"Goddammit Bloom, just leave me and my dick alone!" I shout, almost adding 'and my ass', considering how forward she has been so far, I wouldn't be surprised if she knew enough to be into strange shit. Before accidentally wandering into a 'hidden' section of Twilight's library, I wouldn't have known the kind of shit ponies could do with their hooves, a mane tie and some candle wax... there are things that I really wish I could erase from my memory. Things that no man should ever have to see or hear about.
Things that-

"Well then, ya can go rot in Tartarus, Anon! Ah thought ya cared about me, but ya don't! Nopony cares! Ah wanted to have mah cutie mark so ponies would start considerin' me as a mare, an' not as a little filly! Ah ain't little no more! Ah'm almost a grown up mare now! One day, y'all will regret it!" she says as tears start forming in her eyes. She trots up the stairs and gives me a glare that could rival Fluttershy's stare. "Ah hate you!" she shrieks before slamming the door.

Well, shit. I dun goofed or what?
I plop down on the couch again and sigh heavily as my mind starts processing what happened in the past few minutes. Did a filly really want me to...? And did I just say 'a filly', instead of 'a talking cartoon horse'? As in, her age is the only problem in my mind?
And what were those pills, anyway? Luna trying to give me 'appetite enhancers'? Just what the fuck was up with that shit?

I get up and grab my laptop again. Three minutes later, Lfire is running and I smirk as I see Luna online. But then, she is always online. She should really get a life or something.

Anonymous: Moonbutt.

xPr1nc3sS has changed their name to [EQ]N!TEM@RE_M00N

This mare is not worthy of the master race, holy shit.

[EQ]N!TEM@RE_M00N: THE NIGHT SHALL LAST FOREVER! HAHAHAHAHA!

[EQ]N!TEM@RE_M00N is trying to initiate a file transfer: lightning_bolt.wma (size: 185276 bytes)

File transfer cancelled.

Anonymous: Luna, knock it off.

[EQ]N!TEM@RE_M00N has changed their name to Princess Luna (Anonymous is a knave)

Princess Luna (Anonymous is a knave): THOU HAST RUINED OUR MOOD, ANONYMOUS. ART THOU PROUD OF THYSELF?

Anonymous: I guess.

Princess Luna (Anonymous is a knave): *sigh smiley*

Anonymous: Why'd you send me those pills?

Princess Luna (Anonymous is a knave): WE ARE SORRY. WE WANTED TO HELP OUR YOUNG SUBJECT APPLE BLOOM EXPERIENCE THE WONDERS OF HOT MONKEY DICK.

Anonymous: Like you'd know about that.

Princess Luna (Anonymous is a knave): SHE IS GOING THROUGH HER FIRST HEAT, ANONYMOUS. IT IS A VERY DIFFICULT AND PAINFUL TIME FOR A YOUNG MARE, AND THOU ART BY FAR THE MOST QUALIFIED STALLION TO HELP HER WITH THAT DELICATE SITUATION.

Anonymous: Why me? For fuck's sake, Luna, I told you already. I don't fuck horses.

Princess Luna (Anonymous is a knave): THOU ART A HUMAN. THY HANDS, THY HUMAN MATING RITUALS AND THY FAR SMALLER GENITALIA ARE VASTLY SUPERIOR FOR A YOUNGER PONY'S DEFLORATION.

Anonymous: Are you always that blunt? And did you just imply I have a small dick?

Princess Luna (Anonymous is a knave): HONESTY IS SOMETHING WE VALUE DEARLY, ANONYMOUS. AND YES, WE RECKON THY PENIS EPICLY FAILS TO COMPARE WITH THAT OF A FULL GROWN STALLION.

Anonymous: Right now I got half a mind to choke you with it.

Princess Luna (Anonymous is a knave): PROCEED TOWARDS OUR ROYAL SELVES, DEAR HUMAN BRETHREN. OUR BODY IS PREPARED FOR THINE ASSAULT.

Anonymous: Whatever... but honestly, what the fuck. You basically gave me viagra so I'd ravage Apple Bloom?

Princess Luna (Anonymous is a knave): YES.

Anonymous: That's like, the stupidest fucking idea I've heard in a long time. And why would you care about her sex life anyway?

Princess Luna (Anonymous is a knave): YOUNG APPLE BLOOM HAS BEEN DREAMING OF THY MIGHTY MONKEY DICK, ANONYMOUS. AND SO HAVE WE, SINCE WE HAVE SEEN IT IN HER DREAMS.

You are trying to initiate a file transfer: areyoufuckingserious.jpg (87091 bytes)

File transfer complete.

Princess Luna (Anonymous is a knave): WE ARE SORRY. WE MAY HAVE ALTERED THE TRUTH, FOR WE WERE NOT ENTIRELY FUCKING SERIOUS WITH THEE. WE HAVE BEEN SPYING ON THEE, WHILE THE YOUNG APPLE BLOOM IS MERELY INFATUATED WITH THEE. THE APPEARANCE OF THY PENIS REMAINS A MYSTERY TO THE BOTH OF US.

Princess Luna (Anonymous is a knave) is now playing Colts on Duty: Modern Warmare 2. Click here to join.

Princess Luna (Anonymous is a knave): THOU NEEDEST ENGAGE IN SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH THE AFOREMENTIONED EQUINE GENITALIA, ANONYMOUS.

Anonymous: I hate you. For real.

Princess Luna (Anonymous is a knave) is trying to initiate a file transfer: flankflustered.jpg (94095 bytes)

File transfer complete.

My eye twitches as I power the laptop down and take a deep breath to calm myself. I'm not sure what's going on anymore, those goddamn horses will be the end of me.

Muffled cries coming from upstairs stir me out of my thoughts. 'Apple Bloom? Why is she even crying?' I ask myself, not really knowing what's the deal with that 'heat' thing. I never really cared much about animals back on Earth, I liked some of them, hell I liked most animals, but I never cared enough to learn more than very basic stuff about them.

But then, fuck. I was supposed to watch over her, and we were supposed to have a sleepover... and now I made her cry while she seems to be going through a difficult period of her life. And she's my friend, for fuck's sake! What kind of a friend am I?

Trying to brush the nearly tangible shame off me, I get up and walk upstairs, hearing faint sobbing coming from my (closed) room. I gently knock on the door. "Bloom?"

"Go away, Anon! Go away!"

There's a deep silence for a few seconds, which is quickly replaced by the sound of her erratic breathing.

"Apple Bloom! C'mon, I'm... I'm sorry, look, I just wanna talk! I didn't know about... I didn't know, okay?" I say in the sweetest voice I can manage, before trying to turn the doorknob.
Goddammit, she locked the door. I must have the only house with working locks in all of Ponyville, and I keep the keys inside the damn room... and a filly can operate a key?

"Go away, Anon! Ah don't wanna talk to somepony who doesn't even care about me!"

"I do care about you, Bloom! I didn't know, damn it! I'm not a fucking horse, and I was never exactly good with the ladies, either! Can we talk about this shit? Or do I have to kick the door open?"

I stand there for a few minutes, hearing nothing but quiet sobbing. "Alright, fuck this," I say out loud, throwing a violent kick at the door. Thankfully, ponies cannot into quality stuff when it comes to building, so my foot meets little to no resistance as the lock mechanism completely shatters under the pressure, the door kicked clear off its hinges. Oh well, I'll replace it later. Actually, I'll have Luna replace it for me. I am so gonna kick her ass the next time I see her... crafty, cheeky little blue cunt she is.

The little filly stops sobbing as she sees me standing in the doorway, my leg still raised, with the door (or what's left of it) shattered on the floor. Yet somehow, I'm imagining myself as her savior, making a dramatic entrance to save her life after having faced the dangers of walking up a flight of stairs, nearly eating viagra-spiked vegetarian pizzas prepared by a creepy immortal princess' French cook, and avoiding rape from a school-aged pony a third of my size... damn, if that's not badass, then I don't know what is.

I walk up to the bed and sit down next to her. "Come on, Bloom. I just want to talk to you," I say with a sheepish smile.

"Ah don't want to talk... Ah need ya, Anon! It burns! Ah need it..."

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. "Apple Bloom, why don't you just find yourself a nice coltfriend or something? I'm an adult, and I'm not even a member of your species!"

She wipes a tear off her cheek with a hoof.

"Ah thought you knew Ah liked you... Ah thought havin' a sleepover meant you an' Ah... yer the one Ah like, Anon! Ah don't want another colt. They're all immature. You know things, yer always nice to me, and when yer not, it's because yer bein' honest. And you have 'em finger things..."

I stare incredulously at her. "So basically, you had a thing for me, you suddenly found yourself in your first heat, and you figured you'd try to get me to 'cool you off' instead of asking your sister what the fuck young mares usually do during their first heat?"

"Uh... Ah don't like the way ya put it."

"But that's the truth, isn't it?"

She lowers her head and looks down, dejected. "Ah suppose it is... At least, ya called me a young mare, and not a filly."

"Did I?"

"Ah'm sorry, Anon. Ah should have told ya... Ah shouldn't have been so forward with ya. It's just... it hurts. It burns an' it makes me think about a lot of things Ah don't wanna think about, but Ah can't help it! Ah just need somethin' to help me relax..."

I cross my arms and eye the little filly- er, the young mare, suspiciously. "Still, you seem to know quite a lot about all that stuff."

She gives me a faint smile and a slight blush appears on her cheeks. "Well, Ah live on a farm... Ah helped mah sister takin' care of animals an' all! They ain't so different from us ponies, ya know."

"Sick."

"But Ah'm sorry, Ah won't try that again, Ah promise. We can just sleep, and tomorrow Ah'll go back home, and-"

"Wait, wait..." I cut her off, not even sure of what I'm going to say.

Is Applejack even okay? Will she be fine tomorrow?

Should I help Apple Bloom? After all, it can't be too bad. As she said, I have fingers. It would be just like a massage, only in a different place... and I wouldn't be stealing her first time.

Oh shit nigger what are you doing?

Brain? I thought you were-

What if Carrot Cake was full of shit, and Chris Haysen was waiting on your doorstep?

...Chris Haysen?

Affirmative.

Well, fuck you anyway. If the only 'legal' thing to do is sit idly and watch a friend suffer while I can actually help her, I'm gonna be a fucking outlaw. Anonymous, over and out.

"Anon? Yer... startin' to scare me."

"What? Oh... Yeah, sorry. I was thinking," I say confusedly, shaking my head.

"About what?"

"Well..." may whatever Gods may exist in Equestria have mercy on my soul. "I thought, maybe I could help you. Just this once."

Her eyes widen as her expression lights up. "Really? Ya'd do it for me?"

I scratch the back of my head and blush a little. "Yeah... I mean, if you need help... we're friends, right?"

"Right! So, uh... how do Ah do? Ah never-" she stops as I put a hand against her muzzle.

"Look, just... just lay down, and let me do the work, alright?"

She attempts to fake a smile, but it looks more like a frown of disappointment. "A'ight..."

I know she doesn't know how it works, but damn, hearing her actually saying it doesn't help.

"Just relax, okay?" I lie down next to her and prop myself up on an elbow, wrapping my other arm around her small frame. She lets out a small giggle as I start giving her a belly rub.

"That tickles!"

Wait, am I that bad at this? I mentally facepalm and go back to rubbing her cute little tummy, but using the palm of my hand this time.

As I brush past her little teats, I almost recoil at the sheer heat emanating from her nethers. Maybe she's not joking, it must really burn.

"Lower, please... Ah need..."

Well, I sure hope Satan, or whoever the hell else rules Tartarus, throws Pinkie-level welcome parties, because I'm gonna need some of that shit after I'm done with my time in Equestria.

I bring my fingers closer to her little pussy and start rubbing her teats, occasionally letting my thumb wander a little lower, gently stroking the little tuft of fur an inch or so above her little nub.

"Anon, Ah... Ah want..." she pants, looking at me with deep, watery, pleading eyes. I don't know what she wants exactly, but strangely, I'm starting to have a pretty good idea of what I want. Still teasing her cute, perky little nipples, I lean my head closer to hers and bury my nose in her mane, inhaling deeply. It smells of apples, various berries and a hint of dirt and hay. I smile when as I hear her cute little moans right next to my ear, trailing my hand lower, now teasing her hidden love button.
I have no idea how nor when I went from 'holy shit she's a fucking underage horse, back off' to 'screw the cute belly rubs, I think I'm gonna skip right to actual foreplay', but I have no fucks to give about it. Peppering her neck and jawline with small kisses, I start running a finger along her slick, burning hot entrance. Her moaning quickly intensifies, and although she looks actually perfectly aware of what I'm doing, she has that cute, innocent expression that only makes me want to take care of her. To give her what she needs. To love her.

As I start gently prodding her virgin lips with a finger, she wraps a forehoof around my neck and slams her other set of lips against mine, closing her eyes in complete bliss. Way beyond the point of no return, I don't mind it at all, instead scratching behind her ears as I return the kiss with as much passion as I can muster. She moans as I insert a finger into her tight folds, and she prods my lips with her tongue, seeking access to mine. Happy to oblige, I accept her wet appendage into my mouth. I suddenly feel much better than I did in a long time, and pure bliss washes away any negative thought I had as our tongues start caressing each other. We sensually moan into each other's mouths, our lips pressed against each other's as her lower body keeps arching towards me, almost grinding itself against my invading digit.

She lets out a small yelp as I slowly insert a second finger into her. "Are you alright, Bloom? If anything is wrong, I can stop at any-"

She freezes up and opens her eyes. "If ya even think about stoppin', Ah'll have mah big brother beat yer flank somethin' fierce."

I can't help but chuckle as she closes her eyes again and resumes her moaning under my ministrations, while frantically swirling her tongue around in my mouth. It feels so different from a human tongue... Now starting to feel pretty damn aroused as well, I break the kiss and smile at her. "You said I could have some of your fresh pizza. I hope the offer's still standing."

Before she can answer, she throws her head backwards and screams as the tip of my tongue brushes against her briefly exposed clit. Trailing my tongue lower down, I run it across the length of her outer lips, caressing her little nub with my nose whenever it pokes out, and inhaling her powerful, intoxicating scent.

"Anon! Ah! D-don't... don't ya dare stoppin'!"

Replacing my tongue with my finger, I grin at her. "Wasn't on my schedule."

Still teasing her with a finger, I trail my wet tongue all over her lower body, mostly focusing on her teats, her little nub and the base of her slit. "Anon, Ah can't... Ah can't take it anymore! Ah need release!"

Not one to leave a young lady waiting, I start lapping hungrily at her dripping marehood while gently twisting her nipples between my wet fingers. Inserting my tongue as far as I can into her velvety folds, she lets out an ear-piercing shriek as her first orgasm begins to rock her. Her entire body starts to convulse, and a stream of semi-clear liquid is expulsed from her nethers with moderate force, drenching my face and pushing my tongue back outside of her love canal. I greedily lick and swallow as much as I can, grinning happily. Caressing her with a hand, but staying away from her now oversensitive private parts, I trail up her belly, peppering it with soft, wet kisses, before finally propping myself back up to her level, and giving her my best cheesy smile. "That wasn't a pizza. That was an apple pie."

Thankfully she's still in post-orgasm bliss, so she's spared my bullshit. Not that she generally minds my antics, but well, I wouldn't want to ruin the moment after all. Her moment. Our moment, really.

I cuddle her for a few minutes, until she lets out a long, deep moan. "Anon, Ah... that was amazing! Ah didn't know it was that good..."

"Yeah... me neither." I answer truthfully, having no idea I would have ever enjoyed eating a filly out. I mean, eating a girl out is a really enjoyable thing, but that was a whole different league. It was like sex, helping a friend in need and getting free apple juice, all at once. It appears that I have lost control of my life, and goddamn, I like it.

I stay there, laying on my bed next to the cute little pony, staring at the ceiling with a stupid grin plastered on my face. As strange as it sounds, what just happened took a lot out of me. Suddenly, I get a faceful of red and yellow.

I jump up and scream, "COMMUNIST ENGAGED!"

The 'communist' deadpans at me. "In case ya forgot, Ah'm in heat, Anon. Ah really liked what ya did to me, but Ah think Ah'm gonna need more."

"But I-" I'm cut off as she smears her butt all over my face.

"Ah should have warned ya, but... Ah wanna be in control. Make me feel good, Anon... please?"

She's not exactly a good dominatrix, but goddamn she's too cute. I grin as her tail brushes against my bare chest and forearms. "What do you want me to do, Mistress Bloom?"

She blushes dark red and looks away from me. Yeah, she definitely cannot into domination.

"Ah'm... Ah mean, yer okay with it?"

"I've gone full horsefucker already. I might as well go through with whatever you want me to do," I mutter under ~~my breath~~ her butt.

"Lick me, Anon."

As weird as it is to hear that from a filly, I comply and start giving her (now dark pink) lips long, slow licks.

She swats me on the chest with her tail. "Nah, Anon. The other hole."

My entire body freezes up as my facial features struggle to contort into their best possible 'what the fuck?' expression, given the restrictions caused by having a yellow pony butt on my face.

Reluctantly, although remembering we had both taken a shower two hours earlier, I prod her little puckered hole with the tip of my tongue. Not smelling, feeling or tasting anything displeasing, I start running my tasting appendage around her little ponut, lingering on the spot of flesh between her slit and her dark yellow pucker. If her moans are anything to go by, I'd be inclined to believe I'm doing a decent job. She's literally straddling my face, her hind legs on either side of my head, and a front hoof against the headrest to balance herself. Deciding that this little girl shit has gone on long enough, I grab both her front hooves to help her keep her balance and start tonguing both her holes, alternating between licking, thrusting and slighting moaning, sending vibrations deep inside of her, making her scream in pleasure.

"Don't ya ever stop, Anon..."

I stop my tongue work and grin at her, pretending to grab a little notebook. "Hm, ever stopping, ever stopping... nope, still not on my sched-"

A hoof colliding with my cheek silences me. "Ah said don't stop!" she says, feigning an angry glare, before quickly raising her forehooves in defense as she jumps off my face. "Ah'm sorry Anon, Ah'm sorry! Please! Please don't hit me! Ah'm sorry!" she says quickly as tears start forming in her eyes.

Okay... what the hell just happened? And why am I okay with it?

"Ah don't know what came over me! Please Anon, Ah'm sorry, Ah swear Ah-"

I silence her by grabbing her mane and bringing her in for a deep, sensual kiss.

"Hey, if that's the kind of stuff you're into... I never really considered that before, but I can't say I disliked it."

"Ya mean... yer not angry?"

"As long as you don't knock my teeth out, I don't mind you being in control," I say warmly, though the truth is, pony hooves are incredibly soft, and getting a hoof to the face is more akin to being hit by a three year old girl with a foam bat than to actually being slapped.

"Ya promise me?"

"I promise you. Now come back here, we weren't finished."

Her lingering tears are quickly replaced by a large smile as she plops her rump down onto my face again, grinding her pussy against my nose. "Lick me."

I oblige, resuming my work on her donut hole, licking the rim while subtly blowing air through my nose, delicately teasing her overly sensitive pussy lips. Letting go of her forehooves, I use my fingers to pinch and twist her teats, making her moan in ecstasy. Still alternating between licking, tonguing and just flapping my lips around, smearing them against every sensitive bit of filly parts I can reach, I feel her second orgasm coming up. Her breathing gets faster as my tongue starts working overtime, while I do my best to ignore the aching pain in those muscles I hadn't used in years. I feel her pussy starting to pulsate and I concentrate all of my efforts on her other hole, gently rubbing the tip of my nose against the base of her slit, sending her off the edge. I can feel her vaginal muscles spasm and contract, massaging my tongue, still buried in her anal passage, as she showers me with a thick, dark yellow liquid. I close my eyes and slowly diminish the intensity of my tongue work, waiting for her orgasm to subside, and eventually die out.

I look at her with a grin on my face, while drenched in mare juice with my nose buried into her little pussy. Her face turns beet red, and she gives me an awkward smile. "Ah'm sorry, Anon... Ah didn't think that would happen..."

"That was... that was actually nice," I say, slightly unsure of whether or not having just gotten a faceful of horse pussy juice is a good thing. Said horse seems to think it is, at least.

She gives me a gentle 'slap', followed by a grin. "Ya were a good boy, Anon," she says as she sits down on my chest, before leaning closer to me. "Ah'm sorry if I hurt ya..." she adds with an impossible mix of cuteness and sultriness in her voice, before giving me a wet kiss right where she 'hit' me, tasting herself in the process. A little drop of her own juices sticks to the corner of her mouth as she gives me the happiest smile I have ever seen.

"Are you feeling better, Bloom?" I ask warmly, wrapping my arms against her as I nuzzle her face with mine, smearing her juices all over ourselves.

"Ya were right, it's like apples. Guess Ah'm an apple to the core."

I stifle a laugh. "Yeah."

She runs a hoof on my chest, looking at me. "Anon..."

"Yeah?"

"What do we do now?"

I give her a 'u wot' look. "Well, I don't know... you wanna sleep? We could take a shower and go sl-"

"No," she says, a look of determination on her face.

[u wotting intensifies]

"Ya made me feel really good. Now it's yer turn."

[u wots internally]

"Wait, hold on. You wanna..."

"Ah don't care, Anon. Ah love ya. Ah wanna go all the way with ya," she says, peppering my face with soft kisses.

I take a moment to weigh my options. On one hand, I'm apparently okay with all of this by now, this cute little filly loves me, and she and I just had what was probably the best time we ever had in our entire lives. On the other hand... well, fuck you, other hand.

"Are you sure about this, Bloom?"

"Ah'm sure. Make a mare outta me, Anon."

Before I can answer, she's biting at my boxers, awkwardly tyring to take them off.

"Bloom, stop. You can't into dexterity."

"What?"

"Here," I say, taking them off myself. "Behold, mortal. Temperate simian phallus."

"What?" she repeats incredulously.

"Nothing. Come here." I wrap my arms around her and once again, our lips meet and our tongues dance for several minutes. I'll never get tired of the vibrations caused by her moaning into my mouth. It's just so perfect, so natural, so... delectable.

She breaks the kiss, a thin strand of saliva connecting our lips as we look at each other with loving eyes. Did I just fall in love with that filly?
Heh. No fucks to give. On this very fine day, only Apple Bloom shall be given fucks.

She turns around and trots down my chest, looking at my exposed manhood. She boops it with a hoof, and I let out a weird sound, somewhere in between a moan and a giggle.
Nothing really manly, though.

"It's hard," she says flatly. "Ah bet ya could buck trees with this here thing."

"Apple Bloom, you're fucking ruining it," I say, though I'm trying hard not to laugh.

"Why? Ya can't keep it hard if Ah'm just foolin' around with ya?"

Goddamn, why is she being so... playful? Not that I am complaining...

"Ah'm sorry, let me make it up to you," she says in a teasing voice, before running her long tongue against my erection. Goddamn, it feels good... "Ya like that, huh?" she asks rhetorically, literally wrapping her tongue around the head.

Yeah, well, she's not the only one who can play that game. "N-no... you're awful at it, I d-don't- I don't f-feel anything..." I manage to 'say' between moans.

I can feel her mouth contort into a smirk as she kisses the tip of my cock. "Is that so? Fine," she says defiantly, before plunging my entire length down her throat, making me scream in pleasure. Holy shit, how does she do that?
Looking at her little slit, I reach for it and run a finger up its length, making her moan with my member deep into her throat, the vibrations massaging every part of it.

As ashamed as I am for already nearing my peak, it's not like I would have expected to last much longer after a several years long dry spell, especially with those skills of hers. "Apple Bloom, slow down, I'm gonna..."

She starts bobbing her head up and down at unreal speeds, every thrust causing her entire oral cavity to massage my length, with her uvula stimulating the tip of my member. I have no idea how this is even possible, but I also have no idea how I could have said 'no' to her earlier. This is out of this world. Any world.

"Bloom, I'm gonna cum!"

She doesn't stop, instead accelerating, reaching (quite literally) breakneck speeds. She doesn't stop as I shoot several sticky strands of semen down her throat, gulping everything down with gusto before slowing down, ending up gently suckling on my now extremely sensitive tip, making me squirm in a very unmanly way.

My still hard member flops out of her mouth as she turns around and gives me a wet, sloppy, cummy kiss, which I gladly return, tasting myself on her tongue, my own tongue proding and caressing every inch of her mouth it can reach.

As pleasurable as it is, I can't help but think... 'Man, I wish I could taste like apples.'
Or bacon. Or something else good, manly and that doesn't exist in Equestria.

Not even caring about the fact I was literally thinking about eating my flavored semen, I break from the kiss as we both gasp for air.

"Anon..."

"Yeah, Bloom?"

"How long do humans need to... um, recharge?"

I point at my dick, still hard as a rock. "Sleight of hand and extended magazines."

She deadpans.

"I mean, I'm ready to go again."

"Ah... Ah want you to rut me, Anon."

It's my turn to deadpan. "Do you have to be so... blunt?"

"Well, Ah figured we're kinda... past the formalities, aren't we?"

"I suppose we are," I chuckle. "Are you sure about it, Bloom? It might hurt..."

"Ah don't care. Ah'm with you."

I give her a loving kiss and prop myself up against a pillow. "Well, here goes nothing..."

As I slowly lower the not-filly-anymore on my member, I see her twitch in my 'grip', as if she were trying to adjust her position. "What's wrong?"

She winces. "Nothing, Ah just- Oh! Hmm..."

I frown in confusion, feeling no resistance whatsoever. She seems to notice my confusion, and smiles at me.

"Wrong hole, Anon..." she says innocently, but before I can say or do anything, she smirks. "All according to plan."

"Are you... I mean, why?"

She slaps me again. "Rut me. Now."

I slap her too, leaving a very faint red mark on her cheek.

"Anon did ya just-"

I silence her by slowly thrusting into her insides, and gently kissing the red spot on her cheek before tickling it with the tip of my tongue, making her squirm in a beautifully erotic mix of pleasure and pain.

"Ah didn't know ya liked it rough too."

"There are lots of things you didn't know about me, Bloom."

"Can ya teach me this time?

I grin at her. "We'll see... if you're a good little filly, I might."

She returns my grin. "Hey Anon..."

"Yeah?"

"Don't ya find it weird that we're talking casually while you're ravaging my butthole?"

"Actually... no."

"Me neither."

"Are we bad ponies? Or persons, in your case?"

"I don't know, but if what we're doing right now is bad, then I don't wanna be good."

"Me neither, Ah think."

"Bloom?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

She slaps me. "That's for not saying it earlier."

I start pumping into her much faster, making her yelp in surprise, and shiver in pleasure. "And that's for not dropping hints earlier."

"Ah want ya to cum inside me."

"Oh, really?"

"Cum inside me, Anon!"

"Hm... I think you'll have to beg for it," I smirk, slowing down to long, deep thrusts.

"Cum inside me."

"I don't hear you."

"Please?"

"Excuse me, what was that?"

"Cum inside me, Anon, please!"

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my balls slapping against your ass."

She rolls her eyes, muffling a scream of pleasure. "Please Anon, Ah want you to cum inside me! I want you to fill me up with yer cum!"

"A little better..."

"CUM INSIDE ME! I'M A DIRTY FILLY, MAKE ME YER LITTLE WHORE!" she screams as she slaps me violently across the face with a hoof.

Ignoring the slight pain, I grin at her. "Now that's more like it," I grin, slamming my lips against hers as I resume my full speed thrusting.

She somewhat breaks from the kiss, her lips and tongue frantically flapping around, and against mine. "Ah think Ah'm comin', Anon!"

"You're so fucking tight, Bloom! I think I'm gonna cum soon, too!"

"Ah... Ah love you!"

"I love you too, Bloom, I..."

Her vaginal walls start convulsing, her anal cavity slightly contorting around my cock as I keep thrusting, massaging every inch of it. Unable to hold it any longer, we both scream in ecstasy as her own orgasm starts rocking her little body, sending me over the edge as well. I spray her insides white as she screams and moans into my shoulder, wrapped in my arms. Nearly a full minute later, we both stay there, sweating and panting as we recover from our intense orgasms.

Not even pulling out, I lay back with her on top of me, and smile at her lazily.

"How was it?"

"Not bad for an alien," she smirks.

"You weren't bad yourself for a blank flank," I say smugly, hoping that she won't take it the wrong way.

"Who needs a cutie mark when ya have a human as a coltfriend? Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are gonna be so jealous now!"

I freeze up. "Wait... because you're gonna tell everypony about that?"

"It's legal, you know."

"What is legal?"

"Well..." she trails off, looking into my eyes. "A pony reaches legal age after havin' sex for the first time. So now, it's legal."

I raise both eyebrows at once. "What? How the hell does that make any sense?"

She shrugs and smiles. "Ah never understood it either, but as you once said, 'Equestria makes no fucking sense'. Was that it?"

I let out a short giggle. "Yeah, I must have definitely said that, probably on multiple occasions. Maybe Discord made those 'laws' when he was king back in the days?"

She chuckles at the idea. "That would explain some things, a'ight... A lot of things, actually."

I give her a little peck on the lips. "Say, Bloom..."

"Yeah?"

"Any reason you wanted to do it... you know? In the backdoor?"

She blushes and looks away. "Well, um... let's say, Ah have kind of a thing for the other... hole."

"Nah, I mean, I was just wondering... you didn't want to lose your virginity to me or something?"

"Oh, Ah do... but not just yet. We have all night, Anon... And Ah plan on enjoying every minute of it. We can always have a sleepover during the day," she says, smiling wider than ever. Then she looks up and mutters something unintelligible, though I'm pretty sure I heard 'Luna' somewhere.

"Anon! It's time to wake up now!"

"...grmbl... Bowman, don't..."

"Anon?"

"*yawn* ...you don't scare me... communist... piece of shit... *snore*"

"ANON! Darn it, wake up!"

I jerk awake and look around, my mind not having made the transition to reality yet. "Bowman! BOWMAN! YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!"

Apple Bloom gives me a scared look as I finally leave the dream world and settle back into real life. As real as life can get in Equestria, that is.

"Uh... sorry about that," I say, rubbing my eyes. "What time is it?"

"Nearly five in the afternoon," Apple Bloom says with a grin.

"Five? Aw, fuck me."

"Ah sure did. Until ten in the morning, ya remember?"

We both look at each other and blush. "Well, uh... I suppose we could go take a shower, and then I'll bring you back home? Your family must be starting to worry."

"Ah think they know Ah'm in good hands. And Ah mean it, yer hands are darn good."

My blush deepens. "Uh... Yeah. I guess. C'mon, let's take a show-... actually fuck it, let's take a hot bath."

"Mah butt is sore. Mah mare parts are sore."

"My cock is sore."

"Ah have more sore things than you, so Ah go first."

"My tongue is sore."

"But Ah'm a mare!"

"Why don't we go together? I have a glorious human-sized bathtub, you know."

Her face lights up. "Really? Let's go, then!"

"Yeah, this thing is huge. Custom-made by Princess Celestia herself, as a reward for that day where I told her to man the fuck up, ferment yeast and add it to the guests' drinks if she wanted the Grand Galloping Gala to be less boring. But seriously, I swear your entire class could fit in it at once."

She gives me a wide grin. "Anon, that's a little too kinky, even for me," she winks at me and jumps off the bed, and into the bathroom. Ignoring her 'comment', I quickly glance at her flank, and I notice something that strikes me. Something that wasn't here yesterday.

"ANON! COME BACK HERE, AH'LL MURDER Y'ALL!" the country mare screams, spreading her gigantic wings as she aims her two feet long horn at me.

"Applejack, chill out! It's not my fault!" I shout behind me, trying avoiding the fury of apples raining down upon me as I run away from Sweet Apple Acres as fast as I can.

The enraged orange pony takes off, a single flap of her wings propelling her a good fifty feet ahead as another hundred or so apples appear out of thin air and start violently slamming into my back like machine gun fire. "WOULD YA CARE TO EXPLAIN WHY MAH SISTER HAS YER DICK ON HER FLANK?" she screams, her eyes glowing a bright green as a tornado of dust and magical energy forms around her now slender body.

"Ah had it in my flank, too!" the filly shouts happily as she clings onto my shoulder, nuzzling my ear.

"Bloom! You're not fucking helping!"

I keep running as fast as my legs will carry me, though with the night I had, I probably won't last long. Hopefully, I can manage to survive until Applejack runs out of magic and goes back into a coma when her body starts rejecting her wings and horn...

Fucking Twilight Sparkle.