The sun had just begun to set on the sleepy town of Ponyville. All around, ponies were making their way home after a long and busy day of doing whatever it is that ponies do. Near the center of town, a grand old oak tree stood, which housed a library inside. The bell rang over the library door as it swung open. In walked Twilight Sparkle, a lavender alicorn princess, but you probably already knew who she is. Her head hung low as sweat dripped from her forehead. The newly-minted alicorn trudged up the stairs, exhausted after a long, stressful day of catering to the town’s every whim.
She sighed as she walked, each step aching her muscles to take. She set down her saddlebag and collapsed onto a chair, her eyes drooping.
It’s like it never freaking stopped with those ponies and their endless needs! Every day for the last six months since she had become a princess, it was always “Hey Princess Twilight, can you stop that rampaging ursa major from destroying the town” this, or “Princess Twilight, I need a spell to cure my foal’s case of polio, I beseech you” that. Wouldn’t they ever shut up for just five seconds? She half expected them to ask her to wipe their flanks next. Was her cutie mark a picture of a ball and chain? Because she sure did feel like a slave.
“Can’t they take care of themselves for once?” she asked to no one in particular. And then, after saying those words, she was reminded of a little something that she hadn’t gotten the chance to do for quite some time. A fun little stress-relieving activity which, with all her other obligations and royal duties, she hadn't attended to recently.
She grinned. She needed some alone time. Some very special alone time. Some time where she wouldn’t be disturbed. Some time where all those townsponies could go take a long walk off a short cliff. Some time where those ponies’ needs didn’t matter, for the briefest moment, and hers alone mattered.
She had been slaving to serve the ponies in Ponyville for months since Celestia had “promoted” her, and had helped and looked out for every single pony in town… except for number one. But this evening, if only temporarily, that would change.
Twilight Sparkle entered the loft with her bedroom, but realized that this was too public of an area. After all, anypony could just waltz right up the stairs and disturb her. Heck, they'd probably see what she was doing and then ask for her to do it to them. So, she walked back downstairs to the lobby.
She thought about locking the door to the library, but then remembered the sign above the door that said “this door to remain unlocked during business hours.” The library didn’t officially close until seven, and it was still 6:56 PM, and far be it from Twilight Sparkle to break the rules. Twilight remembered one time a year ago when Pinkie had thrown a party and invited fifty-one ponies to the library, in blatant disregard of the clearly posted “maximum occupancy: fifty ponies” sign on the wall. Twilight didn’t want the fire marshal to banish her and Pinkie to the Everfree Forest for such a heinous crime. So, she kicked Twist out of the party. Nopony really noticed.
Twilight’s eyes scanned the room, and then they lit up as she noticed the door to the basement. She grinned. That would be the perfect place. The door didn’t have a lock on it, but nopony ever went down there anyway. Well, the pets liked to hang out there every Friday night and play poker, but they were just animals, and poker night wasn’t until tomorrow. Twilight had joined them once, but Opal had the best poker face and was really hard to read. Also, Opal was a cat. And Twilight's lungs always got really irritated from those carrot cigars that Angel liked to smoke/chew.
Her horn lit up as she turned the doorknob and opened the door to the basement. She trotted down the stairs, each step creaking under her weight. She paused, her ears perking up at all the noise. She didn’t want Spike or anypony else who happened to be lurking about to know that she was down here. Not that too many of the town's mostly-illiterate denizens ever bothered to come to the library to check out a book, but why take the chance? So, she flapped her wings and hovered over the steps, making her way down to the dirt floor at the bottom.
She glanced back up to the door. There were a bunch of cobwebs around it, and it looked like nopony had been through it in ages. Yeah, no way anypony was coming down here.
“Now,” she whispered. “Time to do this.”
Twilight Sparkle’s horn began to glow, softly at first, getting her excited. She softly moaned in pleasure. Then, her horn's glowing increased in intensity, and she moaned louder as it became brighter. Drool dripped from her mouth as she panted heavily, rolling around on the floor. She continued as all of her worries and cares were washed away by ecstasy, and all of her sense of time and urgency fell away.
Of course, she also lost track of how freaking loud she was being, and Spike the dragon opened the door to see what was going on.
“Twilight?” he called down the stairs as he walked. He saw her there, moaning in bliss on the ground.
“Twilight,” he said, poking her.
Twilight’s head jolted up, and her cheeks turned bright red as she saw that Spike had discovered her.
Spike's jaw dropped. “Twilight, what are you doing? Are you okay?”
“Um…” Twilight stammered. “I was- er- you see-"
Spike paused for a moment, looked off into space, and then looked back at Twilight as he smirked. “Oh, I think I know what you were doing. Yeah, I do that all the time, too.”
“What?” said Twilight. “No you don’t!”
“Yeah, actually, I do. I’m not a baby dragon anymore,” said Spike, grinning. “Everypony does it, whether they admit to it or not.”
Twilight asked, “You mean that you use telekinetic magic to directly stimulate the pleasure centers of your own brain?”
Spike remained silent. Then, he inquired, “Wait, you mean you weren't... you know..."
He paused for a moment, with an urgent look on his face, but Twilight didn't seem to understand.
"...masturbating?” asked Spike.
Twilight chuckled. "Of course not! That's really inefficient. Why would I do that when I can bypass the genitals and go straight for the brain itself?"
Spike simply stood there, his eyebrows raised.
Twilight Sparkle groaned. “Look, it’s really simple. Here, I’ll even show you how it works.”
She pulled out a scientific-looking diagram of the pony brain.
“See, right here is the nucleus accumbens,” she said, pointing to it, “which is also more commonly known as the brain’s ‘pleasure center,’ along with the prefrontal cortex, of course, both of which must be effectively stimulated with volts of magical charges to provide the rawest form of pleasure, which you will see here on this second diagram…”
She flipped the page to a diagram showing a close-up of brain cells.
“This is a dopamine receptor, which is located on dopaminergic neurons, which is activated by--”
“Twilight,” Spike interrupted.
She glanced up from the diagrams.
“That’s the nerdiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”
Author's Note
April Fools.
