To Whom It May Concern:
Hello, my name is Goldengrape, and recently I was informed of a service you offer, more specifically your "PM" instant messaging service. However, during my first day using the system, it somehow managed to not only block every message I attempted to send, but also informed me--incorrectly, might I add--that I first needed to connect to the ponynet in order send and receive. Why is that incorrect? Because I was, in fact, uninterruptedly connected to the ponynet at the time. How do I know? I was watching a HoofTube video at the time, which also requires a stable ponynet connection. Included here are the messages I attempted to send.
Message 1: hey Winona1 i cant make the exclamation point work sorry. wow this is really cooll... ive only ever used regular mail before, and ive only sern movies in a theater never at home1 thank you for buying this for me1 . your hooftube channel is awesom, just like you said it would be1 argh, sorry about my terrible spelling. youre always so nice; uits good to see you doing well. anyways, this is mostly a test to see if 'messaging’ even works. i also just found the apostrophe button. i’m learning, see/ polease respond back when you get this so I can be sure1 thanks. ;d i learned that that's a happy face... right/ i wouldn't be surprised if everypony on the ponynet was a liar… except you, of course. .i don’t think i did it right anyway. i also havven't figured out how to ‘redo’ words like you said yet. sorry.
Message 2: Well, my first message didn't work. This is actually my second attempt to "PM" you. Shaky starts aren't always bad news though... just most of them. Just a first-time glitch, hopefully! Probably not, but we'll see, I guess. Please respond back when you get this so I can be sure! Thanks! :D (I learned that that's a happy face... right? I wouldn't be surprised if everypony on the ponynet was a liar. Except you, of course. Oh, I also learned about backspace, copying/ pasting, and the shift button! I'm still working on learning all the tricks though.)
Message 3: Okay, this is now my third attempt at messaging you. This might not be the best option for communication in the future. Here goes... something, I guess.
Message 4: OH COME ON (I also found the "Caps Lock" button). I can't get the PM's to work properly! This isn't working, and now I'm getting frustrated. I'll try one more time after this.
Message 5: DAMN IT ALL TO TARTARUS I AM VERY ANGRY! This is now message five in my attempts to contact you (At least I'm learning how to use this computer quickly, right? I can do italics, bold, and underline now, and I found out you can use those arrow “keys” to move the… cursor around!). If you get this, let me know.
Message 6: You'll never read this anyway, so I'll just confess I guess, and if it does decide to send this one message of them all, then... buck me, or something... I don't care anymore. I'm so bored... I've been sitting at this desk all day with nothing to do but learn how to use this stupid thing, but it keeps refusing to send my messages. I was really looking forward to talking to you, but my parents don't want me to use too much electricity, and I have to leave anyway, so I have to disconnect from the wall and ponynet entirely. My... well, my cardboard box that I call a home obviously doesn't have any power, so I guess I'll talk to you next week when I meet up with my… ‘friends’ at the Hayburger Cafe. Goodbye... ah, who am I kidding? The more I type here, the bigger an idiot I look. This stupid thing doesn't work. I might as well throw it away. I don't care that I just typed that, because you'll never see it! I DON'T CARE!
I won't throw it away, I promise. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to put up with me and my frantic typing. I can hear my mom coming up the stairs now, so I really have to go. Goodbk,cf hj
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...I'll leave that in too, I guess, since the ponynet plug was just ripped from the wall, along with any chance that another pony will ever see it.
I should probably go stop the bleeding now... bye.
I don't have much time, so I'll be brief. Those messages were for your information only, as your error reporting system requested I include any messages I attempted to send in order to assist in correcting the problem with your systems. THEY ARE NOT TO BE SHARED WITH ANYPONY UNDER THREAT OF LAWSUIT. Perhaps you should change your terms, as those and any other messages can include rather private information.
Your (not very) hopeful customer,
Goldengrape Gigabyte
Date: 2/14/1007
Sent To: EOLservices@eol.com
Sent From: Goldeybyte@eol.com
Dear Goldengrape:
We apologize for any problems that arose during your attempts to send messages through our system. We are a relatively new service, and as such are still sorting out some glitches in our software. The particular issue that was preventing you from sending/receiving any messages is common amongst new members, and is caused by a faulty command, which lists any new users as being members for ‘-1’ days, which in turn interferes with our security measures. Essentially, the system believes you are an illegitimate user (increasingly known as a ‘hacker’) during the first day of use, and is actively disconnecting your EOL to prevent you from using the service. The problem is currently unavoidable, but it should have resolved itself at midnight on the day you signed up.
Concerning your concern about the inclusion of attempted messages, I can tell you that you are not the only pony with such concerns. Our terms and conditions are, in fact, currently being revised to better reflect a secure and professional handling of any personal information that may be included in said messages. We mainly request the messages in order to personally send them to the expected recipient, but I am assuming that you do not wish for us to do so in this particular instance, correct?
Having said that, and I am speaking personally to you now (even though technically I’m not supposed to use company resources to do so), there are certain things you said in those messages that are more than a little concerning. I don’t know what kind of situation you are in, but if you need… help, or guidance, or anything, I have a few connections that would certainly be able to provide those things.
EOL Service Member,
Silicon Valley
Date: 2/15/1007
Sent To: Goldeybyte@eol.com
Sent From: EOLSillicon@eol.com
To Silicon Valley:
As I stated in my previous communication, those messages are PRIVATE and are NOT TO BE SHARED WITH ANYPONY. The information contained within is to remain unseen at all costs. I do not need your help, I did not ask for it, and you will mind your own business or I will report you to your superiors.
Please, I will beg if I have to—don’t tell anypony about those messages… I’m in enough trouble as it is.
Thank you for informing me of the software glitch. I am able to send and receive messages now.
P.S. Do not reply to this e-mail. Thank You.
Your customer,
Goldengrape Gigabyte
Date: 2/21/1007
Sent To: EOLSilicon@eol.com
Sent From: Goldeybyte@eol.com
Dear Bright,
Hello, my friend! It has been far too long since we last spoke! Somewhere in the area of… three months, I believe? Give or take a week. How have you been? Equestria Online is a massive success, although I’m sure you already know that! We’ve been busy trying to sort out all the issues, but every day the list of problems grows smaller. Soon enough, we’ll be running smoother than melted butter in a hot frying pan.
Terrible metaphors aside, this e-mail actually concerns a serious issue that has recently come to my attention. It seems as though one of our users is currently experiencing some… troubled times in his life… very troubled, indeed. I have included an attachment file containing our correspondence. I know he expressed a wish for the messages to remain unseen by anyone other than himself and me, but… well, just read it! At the very least, he is homeless, and if there really is abuse involved… this cannot be allowed to continue. The fact that this sort of thing is still happening—and in a town like Ponyville no less—is frankly upsetting! Something simply must be done.
I know your policy on direct interference in the lives of Equestria’s citizens is quite strict, even in cases such as this, but surely you can think of something!
Your close friend,
Silicon Valley
(1) ATTACHMENT:
disturbing_correspondence.txt
Date: 2/22/1007
Sent To: BrightLightPC@eol.com
Sent From: EOLSilicon@eol.com
Dearest Silicon,
It is good to hear from you again, even if the situation is not the most pleasant we could hope for. I have studied the messages you sent me, and considered the options. I believe there is something I can do; or, rather, there is somepony I know who can help where I cannot. She even lives in Ponyville!
Goldengrape Gigabyte… am I correct in remembering that ‘byte’ is a computer term? Perhaps there is something to that… from what I saw, he seemed to take to the computer rather quickly.
I know this letter is short, but I am rather busy at the moment. We will have to discuss a meet-up at a later date. Good luck, and rest assured that the situation is being handled by capable ponies.
Your forever friend,
Bright Light
Date: 2/24/1007
Sent To: EOLSilicon@eol.com
Sent From: BrightLightPC@eol.com
Dear Bright,
Thank you, Princess. I have the utmost faith that if anypony can solve a problem like this, it’s you.
Also, you are correct in remembering that ‘byte’ is a computational term. In fact, ‘gigabyte’ is also an acceptable term, although we have yet to discover a way to achieve such high levels of power in any one computer. It’s certainly an eyebrow-raiser.
I shall await our next correspondence eagerly!
Still your friend,
Silicon Valley
Date: 2/24/1007
Sent To: BrightLightPC@eol.com
Sent From: EOLSilicon@eol.com
Captain Lyra:
I must keep this introduction short. An incident in Ponyville involving a possible felony-level crime has recently come to my attention, and I would like you to look into it. Your first mission is simply to gather information about both the enclosed possible victim and suspect. Follow him, but do not approach him unless absolutely necessary. The less he knows about this endeavor, the better.
This mission must be handled with care, which is why I chose you. The victim has expressed a strong fear of repercussion should knowledge of the incident make its way to the suspect.
I do not believe I need to remind you of Equestria’s stance on actions such as these. Report your findings to me at noon, exactly one week from now.
Good luck, Captain.
-Princess Celestia
(5) ATTACHEMENTS:
disturbing_correspondence.txt (witness/trigger)
Goldengrape_Gigabyte_personal_record.info (victim)
Perrywinkle_Gigabyte_personal_record.info (suspect)
Winona_Suresight_personal_record.info (secondary)
Police_Investigation_#0132241007.cas (report forms)
Date: 2/24/1007
Sent To: Secure.RCLyra@palace.gov
Sent From: Secure.PC@palace.gov
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