Bad Decisions Always Make The Best Stories

by Alcatraz

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy, Random
Length: 3256

A compilation of hilariously funny stories.

After a boring morning, Spike and Twilight started sharing funny stories. Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie caught wind of the story telling and the following is what ensued…

[size=0.75em]NOTE: These are just a compilation of stories told to me by various family members and friends over the years. I decided to share them all with you so you too can have a laugh![/size] [size=0.75em]Before you ask, yes, all these stories really happened! I just changed a few details here and there.[/size]

[size=0.75em]I cropped the cover picture from the Ask Woona and Tia blog on Tumblr.[/size]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-28 08:30:03 UTC

Prepare Your Sides...

"Good morning, Spike!" Twilight had just woken from her slumber and walked downstairs to see Spike making her breakfast as usual.

"Any plans today?" asked the dragon.

"No, no not really. Other than expecting Rarity to drop off one of the books on fashion she borrowed from me the other day. One of her 'intuition' deals where she thinks something is going to make a comeback." The byzamtium mare had sat down at the table and waited for Spike to finish cooking pancakes.

Spike got off the stool he was using to compensate for his height with pan in hand and slid the nice hot pancake onto Twilight's plate. "So, what do you wanna do today?"

"You know, I'm not really sure, Spike. Everything is pretty much up to scratch and organized so there's not much to do." Twilight levitated her fork, took a piece out of the pancake and put in her a mouth and gave a nostalgic snicker under her breath.

Spike barely caught it and asked "What was that for?"

"It's nothing, really." said Twilight as she chewed on her mouthful.

"You know I like a good laugh Twi, so spill!" he said with a grin on his face, pouring more batter into the pan.

"Well, it's just that when I was a filly and mum would make dad, Shining and myself pancakes every Saturday morning. I would down three or four while Shining normally only managed two at the most."

The grin on Spikes face grew wider as he gave a throaty  giggle-snort. "I don't imagine how someone like yourself would manage to polish off four pancakes!" he said with a hint of disbelief.

"For the most part Shining and I were reasonably well behaved, but when it was just us two at the table we used to get up to all sorts of shenanigans." she added as she put another piece of the bread-cake in her mouth.

This'll be good, Spike thought. His gaze fixed on Twilight with humorous anticipation. "Go on then, what else did you two get up to?"

"Well, Shining and I were normally the last two to finish eating so whenever we had peas on our plate, we used to throw them on the window opposite the table and watch them roll down, leaving streaks on the glass." she looked up from her plate to see Spike was veritably vibrating with laughter. "Then whenever mum or dad came back in to see how we were going and saw the peas on the floor and the mess on the window, I just told them Shining peed on the window."

Spike lost it, clutching his stomach with claws and keeling over with laughter. Careful enough not to bump the hot pan off the stove. Taking a minute to calm himself and regain his breathing, he spoke. "Sheesh, you two must have been atrocious at dinner time!"

"Indeed we were." confirmed the mare. "Whenever we had spaghetti or noodles we'd throw individual strands on the roof and see how long they would stay up there." By now Twilight had only got half way through her second pancake because she'd been too busy to eat between reminiscing, and the second one was almost ready to be served.

Spike pulled out another plate, this one would be for himself to eat while he cooked off the rest of the batter.

"Shining's record was two weeks."

If Spike had not put the plate on the bench by this stage he would have almost certainly have dropped it and the heavy skillet, contents and all onto the linoleum floor. Instinctively he quickly shoved the pan onto the bench in a near fit of laughter barely able to contain himself. Clutching the edge of the bench from his stool so he wouldn't fall off, he let loose his bought of laughter.

"By Celestia Twilight, I can't breathe!" he only barely managed to wheeze. Twilight stopped talking long enough for him to pour more batter into the still hot skillet and sit down at the table to eat while the next one cooked.

"When it came off, it fell onto mum's shoulder and she stood there for several seconds wandering where the hell a noodle could have come from."

Spikes head hit the table after he just managed to push the plate forward out of the way, banging his closed fist clutching the knife on the table laughing some more. He looked up from the table and pulled his plate back toward him, clearly red in the face from laughing. "Oh for the love of Celestia, Twilight!"

There came a knock at the library door.

Catching his breath, but still having the odd chuckle between breaths, he got to the door and opened it to find Rarity standing there.

"Something the matter, Spike?" she asked. "Why are you so red in the face?"

"Oh, Twilight was just telling me a funny story of her eating habits when she was a filly."

This exerted a mildly disgusted look from the alabaster mare. "I can only imagine how that must have been." Rarity said with an equally disgusted tone.

"No no no, you misunderstand, Rarity! They were actually funny!" Spike opened the door and stepped aside, letting Rarity walk into the library. "Twilight mentioned you were going to return a book."

"Ah, yes, here we are." She levitated the flaps of he saddle bag open and took out a book, putting it on the table with the statue of the horses head in the middle. "I'll be on my way then, I wouldn't want to... Interrupt your conversation." Just as she turned to leave, Twilight stuck her head out fof the kitchen door.

"Rarity! Come and sit down, we're telling funny stories. You might even have some to tell too!" she beamed.

"Well, erm..." Rarity hesitated a moment before a select few memories crossed her mind, earning a grin. "Well alright, just a few then." she happily trotted into the kitchen to the sight of half eaten pancakes and frying batter. Spike went over to the stove and flipped the other pancake just as the bottom reached that perfect golden brown.

"We're just sitting down to breakfast, care to join us?" asked Twilight.

"Well, I am feeling a bit peckish, maybe just one then." Spike happily got out another plate and fork for her, and served the freshly hot pancake.

"So, Rarity. Got any stories to share?"

"Well, there was one that crossed my mind."

"And that would be?" pushed Spike.

"So long as it's hush hush. Well, when I was a filly my mother was painting the hallway of the house we had just moved into. I had the bright idea of pulling out the kitchen drawers like a ladder and climbed up onto the bench. I called down to her to catch me and jumped off the bench."

Twilight's smile was beginning to grow, and Spike stared at Rarity eagerly awaiting the conclusion. "Then what happened?" asked Twilight.

Rarity crossed one hoof over the other and looked down at the table in embarrassment. "I hit the floor before mother could catch me."

Spike almost laughed, managing to stifle it with a claw and laughing to himself while Twilight did a spit-take at the last few words.

"You what!?"

"You see, darling, I kind of misjudged the timing. Apparently, after I hit the floor and started crying  I told mother she didn't love me anymore because she didn't catch me."

Twilight joined in Spike with trying to stifle her laughter, taking deep breaths to try and calm herself down. Spike was trying not to laugh because his crush, and Twilight was trying to do the same thing.

"What you girls laughing at?" The sudden addition of a fourth voice caught everyone off guard. Rarity, Spike, and Twilight almost jumped out of their skin. Somehow Pinkie had appeared in the kitchen doorway, slipping in through the library door and standing in the doorway for Celestia-knows-how long.

"Oh for heavens sake, Pinkie!" snapped Rarity. "I know you have an inexplicable knack for appearing out of thin air-" she started, only to get cut off by Pinkie

"Nah, I just walk in through the front door. So what you girls laughing at?"

"Well Rarity came to return a book and we just got to talking, one thing lead to another and the stories just kept getting funnier." said Twilight.

"Oohhh, you girls got room for one more? I got a couple too!" The energetic pink pony bounced over to the table, sitting between Spike and Rarity, mush to Spikes chagrin.

Twilight cleared her throat of the giggles and spoke. "So, what's your story?"

"Well, one time on the rock farm I got bored. I thought it would be a good idea to go up top of one of the hille out the back and start rolling stones down it for fun. Kinda of like a rock avalanche. OH! A rock-a-lanche!" Pinkie clapped her hooves together at her clever use of of puns, but Twilight just smiled and humorously rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I had the idea to create a big pile of rocks," she said, standing on her seat and using her hooves to over-exaggerate the pile she made. "and then I pushed it down the hill."

Rarity stared at Pinkie with a horrified expression on her face. "Good Heavens, what if that hurt someone at the bottom?"

"It didn't, don't worry. But when daddy found me, he really gave me a spanking. Turns out some of those rocks were part of his retirement fund." Pinkie sat back down in her chair and sheepishly tapped her hooves together. "Turns out thousands of bits worth."

Rarity's eyes just about popped out of their head the way she was staring bemused at Pinkie's last sentence. Twilight's jaw hit the ground and Spike's eye just twitched, like a pet peeve was itching an unitchable itch. After a period of baited awkward silence, It was Twilight's turn to talk.

"I just... I can't even... Pinkie, did you ever explain to us why your family farmed rocks?"

Pinkie shrugged. "Something about putting the right stones together increasing the chance of growing gems. That never made any sense to me."

Across the kitchen above the refrigerator, an alarm went off on the clock sat above it. Everyone glanced at Twilight who looked at her calender.

"Oh no, I forgot I was going to meet Applejack in town for lunch!" her usual panic induces demeanour took over and she scrambled down from her seat and rushed upstairs. When she came back down Rarity was standing at the bottom of the stairs.

"Calm down darling, don't fret! Why don't we all join you on your excursion and swap stories with Applejack too?"

Twilight couldn't help but crack a smile at some of the stories the farm pony has yet to share. She's got family all over the country and far beyond, she's bound to have some good ones.

"That's... actually a good idea! Spike, Pinkie, would you two like to come too?

~~~***~~~

Rarity, Pinkie, Spike and Twilight had sat around a table outside the cafe and had already ordered a drink each by the time Applejack had arrived.

"Hey girls, how come y'all are here, I thought it was just Twilight and I?"

Rarity spoke with elation in her voice. "You see darling, we were all over at Twilight's and one thing led to another we all started telling funny stories. Twilight mentioned her plans with you and we thought we'd tag along to share more stories with each other!"

The farm pony couldn't help but raise a curious eyebrow as she sat down and ordered her drink with the waiter. "Oh? Tell me one of the stories y'all shared."

"Rarity told us one of when she was a filly," interjected Twilight. "Apparently the little miss over there got the bright idea to pull out kitchen drawers and climb them like a ladder. Her mother, Pearl, was painting the hallway of a house they had just moved into."

"And then Rarity jumped off the kitchen counter calling out for mum to catch her but she jumped too early before her mum even realised what Rarity was doing and Rarity hit the floor and then she started crying saying that mum didn't love her because she didn't catch her," rattled Pinkie.

Aj's mouth hung open and you could see the laughter wanting to escape, but she bit her tongue and laughed under her breath with silent laughter. Almost like laughing so hard she was clapping like a retarded seal.

"Yes yes, now it's your turn to tell us one of your stories, Applejack." Rarity said with a hint of vindictiveness.

Applejack tilted her head to the left and right cracking her neck with each movement, much to the horror of Rarity and amusement of Spike.

"Well then, where should I begin? I've got family all over the show, so the stories will come thick and thin. I'll start with one that my uncle told me some years ago when I was about Applebloom's age. My uncle, Apple Strudel has had a colourful past. This one time him and a bunch of his friends were taking a carriage ride into Manehattan when one of uncle's friends spies this dead cat on the side of the road."

"Oh my, how horrible!" gasped Rarity with a hoof over her mouth.

"Anyway, his friend, Ryder, told the carriage driver whom is also part of the group of friends to stop. Ryder gets out, picks up this dead cat by the tail holding it out far in front of him. He gets back in the carriage and tells the pony whom was pulling it, I forget his name, to drive to the nearest takeout restaurant."

Spike's grin grew wider and wider in anticipation of the punchline.

"So, Ryder gets out and says to the friend pulling the carriage to, "Keep the door open and get ready to hoof it out of here!" So he goes inside this takeout restaurant, slams this cat down on the counter and screams within earshot of everyone; "THIS IS THE LAST ONE I'M BRINGING YOU UNTIL YOU PAY ME FOR THE REST!" and he ran out of there so fast he left a dust trail."

"Tha- that- Oh Celestia, those customers must have thought they were eating cat meat!" Wiping a tear from her eye she continued, almost ready to burst out laughing again. "That reminded me of something my uncle told me when I too was a filly. He was a science teacher at Canterlot University, and he too was a prankster of sorts. He had a class studying plant biology and had a vile of a chemical called Methylene Blue, which is a dye. He took that home and baked a chocolate cake and emptied this whole two ounce vial into the cake turning it an incredibly deep purple."

"Oh my, Twilight, won't chemicals like that do somepony harm ingesting them?" Rarity was forever the worry-wort.

"Don't worry Rarity, this is a harmless substance I can assure you," clearing her throat Twilight continued her story. "He invited some of his friends around who were all in on the joke apart from one other stallion whom was the target. They each had a slice of cake, all knowing what would happen."

"Uh, Twi, what exactly does this stuff do to you?" asked the stetson wearing pony.

"I'm getting to that, just you wait! Anyway, the stallion that was not in on the joke had a hoofball match that afternoon. He ended up getting tackled in the side quite hard and ended up getting sidelined for the rest of the game. At the end of the match they all went into the sports club for a few drinks and went home after everything. This individual went to the bathroom when they got back to my uncles place and had to use the restroom. When he finished, he came running back out in a frenzy, screaming: "GUYS GUYS GUYS, something is wrong with me my piss is BLUE!"."

"Keep in mind my uncle and the other two friends were in on it but not the fourth. They all tried convincing him nothing was wrong, despite the urgent need to go to the hospital to check everything was alright. They told him to wait until tomorrow to see if everything would pass, and sure enough it did. But the following day they made plans to go to a bar for some drinks. Unbeknownst to my uncle the same friend had eaten the rest of the cake at some point, which was probably about a good half left."

Twilight had to take a deep breath to calm herself for the next part. "So they're all at the bar having drinks when the same guy goes off to use the bathroom. Not thirty seconds later somepony else comes bolting out of the bathroom screaming over everyone in the bar at the time; "HEY EVERYONE, THERE'S SOME GUY IN THERE PISSING BLUE!!!"

"Ok gals, it's my turn again." panted Applejack. "When Uncle Apple Strudel went to Saddle Arabia, he was working with a few Zebra's whom were ex-commandos or something and still carried around their pistols. Apple Strudel had the not-so-bright idea of doing one of those bottle rockets where you half fill a plastic bottle with water then pump air into it and make it fly. Do y'all know the ones I'm talking about?"

Twilight, Rarity, and Pinkie and Spike all gave affirmative nods.

"Well, as he was pumping the air into the bottle it took off. It was bouncing off all the walls of the tin barn they were in. Youu can imagine the noise that made. These zebra commandos thought they were under attack, so they were kicking out windows busting down doors, and once they were outside all had their guns drawn on the barn. uncle walked out after the bottle lost energy and wondered what they were all worked up about."

This didn't really elicit laughs on the same scale as the other stories, but Rarity found it mortifying.

"Oh sweet Celestia your uncle could have gotten shot, Applejack!" said a bemused Pinkie.

Applejack only leaned back in her to say that "Oh, he's been shot before." All eyes were on the farm pony before a smirk crept across her face, then added "But is was only with an air rifle." That exerted annoyed groans from all of them from the wrong direction the initial comment had taken them.

By this stage it was one o'clock in the afternoon, and each had their own business to attend to.

"Well, I must say girls, this has certainly been an interesting outing, we should get together and do this more often!" beamed Rarity.

"Yeah! That was totally fun, we should all sit down and tell stories more often and when I say all of us I mean the six of us ponies plus Spike!" spat the hyperactive pink party pony.

"I must say, I haven't laughed like that in a good while!" giggled Twilight. "Spike and I have got a couple things to do at the library so we will see the rest of you later! Applejack, see you later."

"You too Twi, and same to the rest of you. I'll be seein' y'all around later."

They parted ways, only to meet again to tell more hilarious stories.