Philophobia

He said something to me, but I was way too distant to even acknowledge what it was.

It has been months since I last felt this way; a deep, indescribable feeling welling up in my chest and a haze blocking all rational thoughts. The last time I did feel this, I ended up hurting myself a lot more than I thought I would and I still had those damn bruises and bandages on my face and body to prove that. No matter how much my sisters tried to deny it.

But as much as I tried not to think of him the I did right now, my heart decided that I was going to fall in love with this stallion no matter what. And no matter how hard I tried to tell myself not to think of him any more than a friend, my heart wouldn't allow me to put any real thought into anything else I did. My brain kept warning me that I’d just hurt myself again, and even worse than the last time. And it didn't matter how nice he seemed, because, after all, the last one looked and acted nice upon meeting him. It was like the old expression; ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’. I couldn't risk doing it again.

Especially if I didn't want anything to be as bad as last time.

I shuddered at the memory, earning a sweet expression of concern from the stallion I knew so little about, as well as my sisters. I didn't want him to do that. It only made me feel worse; more than I already felt. It was almost like he was trying to guilt trip me. Just like the last one. I wouldn't let it happen though. My heart might, but I won’t. No matter what he did. I’ll be damned if I fell for another pony. His sweet smile warmed my heart and made it flutter like a hot air balloon.

And by Celestia, I didn't need that to happen. I didn't want to fall in love with him. He was just a friend and that was all I wanted him to be. I didn't care how hard it would've been telling my heart no, but if it meant keeping myself from harm, then I’d do it, without a doubt. He was just a friend and nothing more. A friend who, technically, had been there for me since the beginning. One that I barely acknowledged until this point. One that tried so hard to get my attention, but I just shrugged it off and ignored it. A friend who always managed to keep a smile, whatever the situation. One who wanted to be as close to me as I was to my sisters.

A pony who was there since the beginning. The pony who was causing the irregular beating of my heart.

But I was scared. Scared of becoming a special somepony for him at first, only to become a living punching bag again later. It didn't matter how nice he seemed, or everyone else in town who saw me as a potential lover. I couldn't trust them. I couldn't trust anybody. I couldn't even trust myself to make those kinds of decisions. Not anymore.

A gentle hoof ran across my side, Lily tilting her head in concern. Her soft touch on my smooth creamy coat was comforting. even as she accidentally slid across one of the worse bruises on my body. She recoiled when she felt it, but I didn't feel any pain. Only sweat, and a trouble breathing. Her golden eyes met with mine, almost like she was pleading that I go back inside, without actually saying the words. But for some reason, I wanted her to say it. Some part of me wanted her to say it, just to get me away from him. To justify me leaving him again.

Lily’s hoof ran through my soft coat though, eventually embracing for a close hug before turning me around and helping me climb the steps to our home. Lily opened the door and walked me inside, guiding me to the chair beside the window. I rested myself down in the seat and stared blankly at the outside world like I hadn't been out there for years. But I kept my eyes on the concerned stallion in front of our stall in front of our house. He was so concerned. So close and wanted to be of so much help to me.

But I was sitting in here, brushing him away. Pretending like he didn't exist on this plane of existence. I looked at him like he were an animal at the zoo. All because of my own fears. My own stupid fears.

Lily whispered something to me before kissing my forehead and leaving the home. She met with the stallion, saying something to him, almost like they were arguing. But they weren't. Just a little debate. About me. His ears dropped down, his eyes almost beginning to tear up. He began to walk away with a sullen expression. Our eyes met, but only for a brief moment that seemed to last for an eternity, before he continued on his way.

Comet Tail, I called to him sorrowfully. Please come back

But he just kept going, unaware of my pleas for him to return. He kept going, to home or work. Away from the marketplace. Away from me.

“Will she be okay by herself?” Daisy asked, breaking through my train of thought.

“Rarity offered to look after her for a few days.” Lily answered, pointing her hoof at the approaching fashionista down the road. It was a rarity that Rarity got a break from her work and managed to squeeze some time into her schedule to watch over me. Rarity stopped in front of my two younger sisters, greeting them nervously.

“Hello, Daisy, Lily,” She spoke in her usual formal tone. “I assume she’s inside?”

They were trying to keep their voices low, fearing that I might be listening. Unfortunately for them, I was. And I heard every word.

“She’s inside. Beside the window.” Lily replied.

“I see,” Rarity looked pensive. “Is there anything I should know before I walk in there. I don’t want to offend her in any way.”

Lily and Daisy exchanged expressions. They knew me, but they didn't understand what it was like. Living in fear that your abusive ex will come back to try and kill you, or have nightmares of him and his worst beatings. They didn't have the fear of falling in love with a pony only to be caught in another demon’s claws if things were really bad. No matter what they thought they knew about me and my well being, they would never understand. Unless they experienced themselves, which hopefully they never will.

“Just try and talk to her,” Daisy suggested. “She appreciates having us listen to her when she talks. Just try to be supportive. She could really use it, especially after...the incident.”

“I see,” Rarity continued to look pensive, thinking about something. Whatever it was, it bothered me. “Well, you two should be on your way. I’ll handle Rose and make her feel comfortable.”

“Thank you Rarity,” My sisters chimed in unison. And with that, they left. Lily rolled the stall, Daisy trotting beside her, going down the road, deeper into the marketplace. All the while, Rarity strolled up the steps and opened the door, her violet curly mane bouncing with each step. She feigned a smile when she saw me, or at least I think it was fake. I noticed her slight recoil at the sight of me. It must’ve been the marks on me.

She silently trotted to the seat across from me after shutting the door. “Hello Rose.”

“Good morning, Rarity,” I responded politely, though still monotonously. Rarity frowned out of what I assumed to be sadness. “Do you have an idea of what we’ll be doing? Did you plan anything?”

“I’m afraid not dear,” Rarity admitted. “I came here on such short notice. After I heard about....I thought it would be best to keep you company while your sisters were out there in the market.”

“Thank you,”

Rarity nodded her head. I did too, looking back out the window. Ponies moved to and from the marketplace, bags in their mouths or hanging at their sides, depending on what they brought. A few ponies walked by with my sisters’ flowers in their, others shot glances of worry at my direction, no doubt wondering about my well being. Word about my latest relationship traveled around town faster than I anticipated. And now it seemed like I wouldn't get any privacy from anybody.

“Rarity?”

“Yes dear?”

“Thank you for coming over.” I said, wiping my eyes and returning my gaze to the quiet unicorn. “And thanks for your help earlier this week.”

“Oh, you needn't thank me, Rose,” Rarity replied in a comforting tone. “I’m only doing what any good friend would do. You shouldn't think anything of it. I’m always here, AND I am a good listener. So if you ever need to talk, my door is always open.”

I thought for a brief moment. I've only talked to a therapist during and after my latest issues.I also talked to my sisters as well, but there are still things I haven’t told them. I assumed Rarity knew the whole story; how I got the marks I had now, given that it was one of her friends that kicked my coltfriend’s ass out of town. And hauled me to the hospital. Applejack was someone else I never thought of much until recently.

“Is there anything you would like?” Rarity asked, breaking me out of my trance. “Any refreshments, anything at all? I wouldn't mind fetching you something if you needed it.”

“I’m fine, Rarity, thank you.” I managed a smile of appreciation. I sniffed and let out a shaky breath. There was a lot that I wanted off my chest, namely my most recent admiration. Tons of questions that desperately needed answers. Questions that made me question whether or not my heart was in the right place.

“Rarity?”

“Yes?”

“Have you ever loved a pony, but you weren't sure if it would be a good idea to be with them?”

Rarity pursed her lips. “Well, admittedly, yes I have. Plenty of times. Why? Have your eye on somepony else already?”

I paused briefly. Should I tell her? Maybe she can help. I don’t know if she has much experience with stallions, but maybe she can just help guide me through this. She knows almost everyone in town. Almost. Maybe she knows him well? Or fairly well? She had to know something about him. He walked around town frequently, so Rarity had to have talked to him sometime. Anytime.

“I think I do,” I answered finally.

“Are you sure about it? Do I know him?”

I smiled and chuckled a bit. “Comet Tail?”

Rarity sat back and looked up. “I do remember a stallion by that name. Light yellow unicorn? Purple mane?”

“Yes,”

“By all means, if you feel like you really love him, then you should go for him. He seems nice enough.”

“But that’s my problem,” I said. “The last guy seemed nice to me, up until the third month. That’s when he....Still, I just don’t know. I want one thing, but my heart wants another. I mean, I knew him for a while, but we just stopped talking at one point. I practically forgot who he was. He tried to help and talk to me earlier, but my sisters wouldn't let him. They've become too overprotective.”

“Well,” Rarity paused and thought. “I think if he’s trying to help, he really cares for you. And if he really cares, then you should just give him a chance. Talk to him when you get the chance and see where he’s coming from, if you will.”

“I see.” I looked back outside. “I’ll see about giving him a chance. I just don’t know how to approach it.”

“Are you sure you want start another relationship?” Rarity asked, worriedly. “You just got out of one and this move seems so sudden. I’m sure Comet Tail will be better though, but still.”

“I’m sure.” I responded. “I may need a little bit of help here and there, but I think I know what to do. Maybe I can try to get over my fears. Maybe, Daisy and Lily will be able to help.”

Rarity placed her hoof on my shoulder. “Rose, if there’s anything you need, I’m here for you. If you require assistance, then I will be there to give it to you.”

“Thank you, Rarity,” I smiled. "I appreciate it."