My Little Random

by UniqueSKD

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 8614

A bunch of very short stories and fanfic parodies so magnificently random and bizarre, that they're bizarrely good. Maybe. Probably.

13th June 2015 UPDATE - New chapters will feature parodies of existing fanfics. No fanfic shall be safe from being parodied and made light-hearted fun of, Nostalgia Critic / Retsupurae-style!

Just a bunch of strange, illogical, and downright-weird stories that were clogging up my mentally-challenged mind, which will make you laugh, make you cry, and make you ask "Why?"

There is no plot. There is no purpose. There is just randomness. Randomness in all its...um...randomness.

You might find it easier to think of these short tales as something you'd see in an ASDF.Movie cartoon, if it helps you 'understand' the point. Although there is none.

Published 2014-03-31 14:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-13 15:08:42 UTC

You're As Dumb As A Rock!

Scootaloo walked out of the front doors of the Ponyville schoolhouse, her face bright red with embarrassment, Diamond Tiara and her friend/lackey/toilet-scrubber Silver Spoon trailing just behind the orange pegasus filly, laughing at her mockingly as she strode away, trying to shut out their insults.

"I always knew you Cutie Mark Crusaders were dumb, but that YOU called your wings 'wing-boners'? That was really dumb!", the bitchy pink filly jeered, as the tiara on her head suddenly floated away. For some reason.

"Yeah. Miss Cheerilee will always look at you from now on, and think, 'wow, that pegasus is REALLY dumb!', and it'll be all funny like, because it'd be true!", Silver Spoon added in, while spitting on Diamond Tiara's feet and polishing her dominatrix mistress' hooves.

"I AM NOT DUMB!" Scootaloo yelled over her shoulder at the two chuckling bitches - er, I mean - fillies behind her. She glared at them with daggers in her eyes. Which she pulled out afterwards. With hooves. Somehow.

Diamond Tiara and Silver Splooge just laughed at the poor pegasus filly's agitation. Scootaloo stood there and glared at them both, her mind weaving together a scene of bloody, decapitated upper-class snobs scattered all over the school grounds.

"You are so dumb, Scootaloo!" Diamond Bitch nastily giggled, when her laughter calmed down enough that she could speak. "In fact, you're so dumb, you're like a rock! You're as dumb as a rock, Scootaloo!"

"Nice one, DT! Funny and true at the same time!" said the butt-kissing grey filly, who was busy sorting out her mistress' schedule for tomorrow morning, moving 'Laugh at CMC' over to next Monday.

Just as Scootaloo was about to say something back, a shadow suddenly fell over the two giggling bullies, who did not notice until it was too late, as a massive boulder suddenly landed on top of them both, crushing them whole underneath, and causing the ground to shake from the impact. When the world had finally stopped shaking, a grey earth mare with a grayish-violet mane and tail peeked over from the top of the boulder, an emotionless expression on her face.

Staring down at the confused and shocked orange pegasus, the mare said in a flat tone, "Nopony makes fun of my rocks."

In The Barn

Applejack and Big Mac were just finishing stacking up hay bales inside of their barn, bringing an end to their tasks for the day, which was already setting to make way for its big fat sister, the moon. Big Mac wiped away a bead of sweat, and threw himself down on a stool, which nearly broke beneath the stallion's muscular mass.

"Phew-wee, Big Mac! That wus' a heck o' a day taday, dont'cha think?", the orange farm pony sighed as she collapsed onto one of the bales of hay they had brought into the barn. She removed her Stetson hat from her head and began to fan herself with it, while looking over to her older brother, happily chewing away on his bit of straw.

He responded with a simple nod, and a flat "Eeyup".

Applejack smiled over at him. "So, now we're done wit' the chores, there anything ya wanna do, big brother?"

Big Mac looked away in thought for a moment, before replying with a shake of his head. "Nope".

Applejack got up from her hay bale and walked over to her sibling. "Aw, come on now! Ya'll sure there's nothing ya wanna do fore Luna raises the moon?". She gave him a warm smile.

Big Mac looked away again in thought, and turned his head to look at his sister. A shake of his head, and the same reply. "Nope".

Applejack frowned, but kept a cheerful tone to her voice. "Are ya sure? We could go o'er ta the schoolhouse. I'll bet Cheerilee's still markin' papers?", she said with a merry sing-song tune to her words.

Big Mac's ears perked up at the mentioning of the teacher's name, and he smiled. He looked away in thought once more, and Applejack grinned, believing she was finally getting Big Mac to do something other than spend another afternoon in the barn as he had been doing for the past few weeks.

After a few moments of silence, Big Mac turned his head to look back at Applejack, and his smile fell into a frown. His ears fell flat again, and he shook his head. "Nope," he replied.

Applejack glared at him for a few seconds, before walking over to a metal bucket and bucking it straight at the massive red stallion, hitting him right in the face. She stormed out of the barn, exclaiming "I'm sick o' ya shit, Big Mac!", and making her way up to the Apple family house.

Once she had gone inside of the house, Big Mac waited patiently for a minute, making sure she wouldn't come back out. When he felt certain she wasn't going to, he quickly ran over to one of the bale of hay, and dug his hooves inside, feeling around for a moment before pulling out a pretty pink mare with a pale light-rose mane. Her cutie mark was of three smiling flowers. She had a gag ball in her mouth, which she quickly popped out to speak.

"About time! Is she gone?"

Big Mac nodded his head very quickly. "Eeyup."

The pink pony opened out her forelegs in an embracing pose. "Take me now, Big Mac!"

"Eeyup," was the only reply.

Discord Eats A Bowl Of Paper

Discord jabbed his fork into the stacks of paper in his plastic bowl. Bringing his fork up to his mouth, he grinned happily as he began munching away on the torn pages he took out of Twilight's dictionaries.

"Ah yes, the unmistakable taste of homonyms and synonyms mixed with a drizzle of verbs and nouns. Spectacular," he said happily, as he swallowed his mouthful of mesh and ink.

And then he burped.

This Coffee Smells Like Plot!

Author's Note

WARNING! This chapter should be skipped if you are sickened easily.

Also, this part is inspired by a hilarious scene from 'Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me'.

This Coffee Smells Like Plot!

Rainbow Dash let out a loud sigh as she rested her head on her hooves, boredom written all over her face. She'd go to the washroom and clean the marker pen off the first chance she got.

Until then, she was trying her best to tolerate Twilight's explanation of flight physics and mathematics on an over-sized chalkboard. Rainbow Dash had only come to the book-smart alicorn to find out if it was possible to pull off a certain trick she was trying out, and somehow Twilight had trailed off onto boring equations and theoretical mumbo-jumbo that were of no interest to the cyan pegasus.

Celestia darn it, Twilight. I see your mouth moving, but all I keep hearing is 'blah, blah, blah'..., Rainbow thought to herself as she elected to slump down at the desk which Twilight had 'ever so kindly' provided for her before her hour-long lecture. Even now, the alicorn princess was sketching multiple diagrams of various somersaults and aerial spins, labeling them with complicated science-y stuff.

Rainbow decided now was as good a time as any to find an excuse to slip away from the alicorn. Unfortunately for the pegasus, Twilight had locked the basement door behind them when she had magically dragged her down here, so it would be difficult trying to escape without the alicorn noticing and causing an awkward moment. So that left the option of finding something to distract her for a while.

Rainbow was kind of thirsty, actually. And as luck would have had it, Twilight just so happened to have a coffee machine down here in the basement. Probably for all those late-night readings and studies she must have done, no doubt.

Pushing herself away from her desk, Rainbow Dash fell onto all fours and walked over the coffee machine. "Hey, Twi, I'm gonna grab a drink if you don't mind," the pegasus called out to her friend, still in the process of sketching an image of a loop-de-loop, again with complicated maths and stuff.

Twilight just waved a hoof, not really paying much attention at the moment.

Rainbow Dash pushed down on a switch to turn on the coffee machine. A light came on, and the air around the device suddenly got warmer, suggesting it was heating up the caffeinated liquid inside. Rainbow Dash just leaned again the table, rubbing her hoof against her leg and inspecting it as she waited for the coffee to be ready.

And Twilight was still drawing stuff. Great...

The device pinged, alerting the pegasus that it was done. She took a mug that was next to the device and placed it in a slot on the machine, and pushed down on another switch, causing the brown liquid to pour out from a small nozzle. When the mug was nearly full, Rainbow Dash released her hold on the switch, and the nozzle stopped pouring its contents.

Taking the mug from out of the slot, Rainbow Dash held the drink in her hooves, letting the hot drink warm them for a moment. She then brought the mug close to her lips, until a strange and foul smell entered her nostrils.

Her eyes widening from the smell, Rainbow Dash brought the mug away from her face, looking down at it in confusion. Bringing it close to her and taking a sniff, her face contorted into a look of repulse as she identified the source of the strange stench.

"Hey, Twilight!" Rainbow called out to the alicorn, who was, unsurprisingly, STILL drawing diagrams and labeling them with things that made no sense to the rainbow-maned mare at all. Twilight stopped what she was doing and turned her head to show she was listening. "Yes, Rainbow? What is it?" she asked.

Rainbow raised her mug of coffee and pointed at it with her free hoof. "I think there's something wrong with your coffee machine, cause' your coffee smells like plot!"

Twilight gave her friend a confused look, before looking over to what Rainbow Dash must have assumed was a coffee machine, which if the pegasus had bothered to look at the side of, would have seen it was in fact a toiletry disposal unit used for collecting... 'biologically-created waste', we will say. Her eyes widened and her jaw fell open in horror when she put two and two together, realizing that it made four.

"Rainbow Dash, that coffee IS plot!", the alicorn cried out to her friend.

Rainbow Dash looked at her mug, then to Twilight, then back to her mug. She then looked back to Twilight and let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank Celestia, it's not just me who thinks so."

Twilight could only cover her mouth with her hooves and cringe as Rainbow Dash put the mug to her mouth and took a swig of something more vile and disgusting since the creation of Marmite.

As Rainbow Dash brought the mug away from her lips, leaving brown mustache stain on her upper-lip, she smacked her lips and said to the princess, who was heaving and retching heavily, "It's got a bit of a nutty taste to it, Twilight."

Cadence Marries A Dalek

"You may now kiss the bride," announced Princess Celestia to the happy couple before her and a cathedral of onlooking witnesses who had come on this special occasion, the unison of two lovers.

"KISS HER?", exclaimed the terrifying mechanical entity wearing a small bow-tie. "I WILL EXTERMINATE HER!"

Cadence blinked a couple of times, before she said, "Come again?"

And with that, the whole building was destroyed and burnt to the ground.

Twilight Sparkle And Princess Celestia Make Sweet Love To One Another...

Dinky Doo The Destroyer

Derpy Hooves was resting on a cloud, happily munching on a muffin, flapping her little wings now and then to show her enthusiasm for her favorite treat. Looking behind her, she saw her beloved daughter Dinky Doo, laughing as she played with a butterfly near a stream, the town of Ponyville a little way off in the distance.

"Be careful playing near the water, my little muffin," Derpy told her little filly. Dinky Doo looked up at her mommy with a lovable childish smile. "Okay, mommy! I will!"

Derpy smiled back, and turned her head away to continue eating the rest of her muffin.

No more than ten seconds had passed by until Derpy heard her little filly calling out for her. "Mommy! Mommy!"

Derpy turned her head to see what was wrong. "Dinky Doo, whatever is the..."

The cross-eyed mare stopped and stared wide-eyed at the sight before her. Ponyville was burning wildly in flames beanth a scarlet-red sky, the stream had turned red with blood, and hundreds upon hundreds of little birds laid dead on the ground, many more surrounding Dinky Doo, who just looked at her mother with a sheepish look.

"I did that thing again, mommy...", she said in an awkward tone of voice, shuffling her hooves nervously.

Derpy continued to stare at the total destruction of her home town, before shaking her head in disappointment. "Oh, Dinky Doo. Not again," she sighed.

'Used' Toys

Author's Note

Credit goes out to Forgotten Legend, who came up with the idea for this chapter.

'Used' Toys

"So," the Lyra Plushie toy started as she turned to her companion sitting next to her on the bed, "how many times does your stallion 'play' with you every day?"

The patchwork doll sat there holding herself, shivering and trembling, her loose red button eye waving about as she mumbled something about 'want it, need it spells', and 'that big red monster'.

The Lyra Plushie nodded her head, her friend's reaction answering her question. "Well, so long as he cleans you up afterwards, right?"

The patchwork doll muttered something in response, something that sounded like "machine-washable," and "too much fabric-softener."

Fluttershy Tries Nutella

When Fluttershy heard the toast pop out of her toaster, she wasted no time in taking it out and putting it onto a plate. She then turned to open up one of her cupboards,and rummaged around looking for something, throwing various items out of her way as she did. Some of these items included a hairbrush, a Rainbow Dash plushie, a book on sexual poses by somepony named Molestia, Fluffle Puff, a plunger, a carrot, Fluffle Puff again, and a cane with Twilight's face carved onto one end.

The yellow pegasus eventually found what she was looking for - a jar of Nutella spread. Having never tried it before, she was ever eager to finally have an excuse to sample a taste.

Prying the lid off of the jar - which proved exceedingly difficult considering she had hooves, and eventually had to get Angel to lend her a paw - she took up a knife in her mouth, cut her tongue a little, shouted some curse words that nearly got the show taken off the air, took up the knife in her mouth again albeit with more care this time, and dipped it into the jar of Nutella. Getting a nice piece of the chocolate onto her knife, she then proceeded to spread it across her toast, swishing the blade back and forth across the toast.

Putting the knife away into the sink, Fluttershy then returned to her toast, now with Nutella spread upon it, and picked it up in both her hooves.

She brought it close to her face, and she opened her mouth.

She brought her teeth down upon her toast...

...and suddenly spontaneously combusted.

Author's Note

Nutella spread.

It's that good.

Twilight Is Best Librarian

Twilight Is Best Librarian

Twilight Is Best Librarian

Twilight Sparkle sat in the shade of the sun streaming through her window of her library home. She had a large blue book levitating in front of her face, which had no title on the front cover, but whatever it was, the purple unicorn seemed to be enjoying it.

"Ha ha ha!", the unicorn laughed heartily as she lowered the book down, a wide smile plastered on her face.

"I can't read this book!", the unicorn said, still smiling widely.

And then Spike the dragon flew through the window, breaking the glass and getting lots of cuts in the process.

"I am a brick!", the little dragon said with a huge grin.

Author's Note

Thank you, ASDF.Movie for inspiring me!

Scootaloo Drew A Picture

Poetry

Everypony in the room clapped their hooves together as the emotionless grey earth mare took an unenthusiastic bow and sat back down in her seat. Miss Cheerilee merely rolled her eyes as she thanked Mother Faust herself that the world's longest poem about rocks and boulders had come to an end. Clearing her throat as she raised her clipboard, she looked down the list to see which pony was next to read their poem.

"Ah, yes! Miss Twilight Sparkle, would you like to read out your entry for this year's Annual Poem Writing contest?", Cheerliee asked. With Twilight being a mature and intelligent mare, the schoolteacher was certain that the book smart alicorn princess would surely have written a winning entry.

The purple alicorn smiled as she produced a sheet of paper out of thin air, and she cleared her throat as she began to read aloud.

"My poem is titled, 'Clopfic'."

"With a wave of my horn, I sprout out a dick, just give me five minutes, And I'll finish you quick, I'll fuck you in the ass, and onto your face I will blow, so open your mouth, and let's start this show."

Twilight looked up from her parchment with a proud smile.

Everypony stared at her, their eyes wide and horrified.

Maud Pie just clapped her hooves and nodded her head.

"That poem rocked," she said. "Get it? ROCKED?"

Hearth's Warming Eve

Unique wiped his hoof with a sheet of tissue, scrunching it into a paper ball and disposing of it by throwing it into a wired waste basket.

"Well," Unique sighed as he cleaned up his bed sheet and put his collection of pornographic MARE'S XTRA magazines away in his safety box. "Here's to another lonely Hearth's Warming Eve, no special somepony y my side, only myself for company, jerking my ownself off..."

The smell of semen lingered in the air.

Author's Note

Happy Hearth's Eve to you all, you lucky *astards.

Human in Equestria In A Nutshell

The door to Twilight's library swung open, making the unicorn jump in fright at the sound of the thud. When she turned around, she saw a strange two-legged white creature standing in the doorway, staring at her with a maniacal grin on its face, and a look that seemed to be saying, 'look out, I might rape something'.

"Wha-what in Equestria are you?" Twilight stammered, eyes wide in shock at the sight of such an unusual creature that she certainly had never ever seen before (cough - Equestria Girls! - cough!)

"Hi! I'm Anonymous and I'm a human from the real world who just got teleported to Equestria for some strange unexplainable reason and I'm going to spend the next month or so struggling to adapt to this strange technicolor world of ponies and magic and shit while trying to find a way to get back home and I'll have some random and sometimes funny adventures with the inhabitants of this town and then I will inevitably fall in love with either you or one of your friends and have sex with them and decide right after getting one of you pregnant that I want to stay in this world forever not even caring if my old friends and family miss me or wonder where I have gone so just letting you know that right now Miss Twilight!" the creature blurted out all in one breath, before turning around and speeding away from the library, leaving a confused and bewildered Twilight alone to absorb that bizarre scene.

"What the hell just happened right now?" she asked herself.

Herself shrugged. She didn't know what the hell happened either.

Author's Note

Random Random Fandom Fapdom

It don't make no sense!

How Starlight Glimmer convinced Double Diamond to give up his cutie mark

"...and that is why you'll find life to be so much better without your cutie marks!" Starlight Glimmer concluded her speech. She looked at Double Diamond who took in everything she had said with a look of uncertainty.

"So?" she asked him, striding up to his side, "would you like to surrender your cutie mark forever and become a resident of this wonderful town?" She gave him a wide hopeful smile.

Double Diamond tapped his chin with his hoof. "Geez, I...I don't know," he began. "I mean, I'm sure living here would be great and all, but spending my life here without my cutie mark...I don't know I could go through with something like -"

"If you stay I promise to censor any and all homosexual fan art that Bronies draw of you," Starlight Glimmer interrupted.

Double Diamond's eyes went wide with interest, and he flashed Starlight a huge grin as he spun around and raised her rear end to her. "Deal! Take it now!"

Starlight Glimmer smirked as she levitated her Staff of Sameness and brought it towards Double Diamond's cutie mark. "Excellent. Now, you may feel a prick..."

Starlight Glimmer's eyes shifted aside and narrowed. "..but at least you'll be on the same level as everypony else here," she muttered.

"Sorry, what was that?" Double Diamond piped up, lifting his head to look at her.

Starlight Glimmer shook her head. "Oh, nothing. Let's get that thing off your ass, shall we?" she said, and began working her magic.

Author's Note

Well, it MIGHT have happened like this!

What happened to the town at the end of Season 5 episodes 1 and 2?

"So, now that everypony in the town has their cutie marks back, I guess we can take our leave now," Twilight Sparkle said as she and her friends walked towards the entrance to the town formerly ruled by Starlight Glimmer. Double Diamond walked with them to see them off.

"Yes. Once again, thank you all for your help," Double Diamond said with a polite bow. "We'll always be grateful for what you've done here."

"Are you sure you can all take over things from here?" Twilight asked, looking back at the town with a look of concern. "I mean, you've gone for some time without your special talents, so it might take time to get used to having them again."

Double Diamond raised a hoof. "Princess, I am confident that we can all band together and survive just fine. With our talents returned, I am sure we can make our town the brightest community in all of Equestria!" he replied with a confident smile.

Three hours later

Double Diamond watched with bewildered eyes and his mouth agape as he and his fellow ponies watched the huge blazing fire engulf their town, burning the wood of the buildings into charred timber and ashes in minutes. All of their homes were destroyed before their very eyes, their livelihoods gone in a short period of time as the fire consumed everything in its wake.

Except for Double Diamond, the now-homeless townsfolk turned their heads and gave venomous glares at one of their group, a stallion with singed hair and black marks all over his body, and holding a box of matches in his hooves. He gave an awkward smile from one angry pony to the other.

"Um, I'd like to say in my defense," he began with a nervous smile, "that this would never have happened if Starlight Glimmer hadn't taken my cutie mark and made me forget my special talent was burning stuff."

The group of ponies slowly closed in on him, growling and muttering unpleasant torture techniques. The burnt stallion thought he could see a few ponies at the back of the pack brandishing pitchforks and heavy metal chains. He gulped and began to sweat profusely from his charred brow.

"O-o-on the plus side, at least our, um, town is, er, the brightest place in Equestria?" he squeaked in desperation. He mentally slapped himself for the stupid pun, but it was too late for regrets when the group all leaped upon him.

Double Diamond continued to watch the town burn away to ashes, not even acknowledging the sounds of agonizing screams behind him, or the splatter of blood that splashed on to the side of his cheek.

Author's Note

Somepony probably should have checked what all those cutie marks represented beforehoof...

Human In Equestria, go away!

Once upon a time, there was a human male named Brian.

Brian, in his cosplay costume of his video game hero, Mario, bought an item from somebody named The Merchant at his local gaming convention and wound up in Equestria as a result of magical spells and some other shit.

The Mane Six killed him immediately upon his arrival. They were fed up of having humans in costumes coming into their world.

The End.

Author's Note

And the Mane Six lived happily ever after. At least until the next displaced fanfic drops another annoying human in a cosplay suit...

The Other Rainbow Dash X Soarin Clopfic

The Other Rainbow X Soarin Clopfic. - A parody of the fanfic written by 314

"So, um, why do I have to wear a blindfold during the day, Rainbow Dash, who I am suddenly the boyfriend of?" Soarin asked, as Rainbow Dash led the pathetic stallion to a hillside cave that suddenly appeared due to the arcane powers of plot convenience.

"Don't worry about a thing, Soarin, who is suddenly now my boyfriend because creatures from another dimension ship us together," Rainbow Dash said. "Pinkie Pie - you remember her? She's still a main character on the show - told me about this place I've never heard of before in my life and took her word for it anyway." Upon reaching the cave entrance, Rainbow Dash tried to remove the blindfold from Soarin's eyes, but suddeny remembered wings didn't work the same way as fingers or claws, and instead used her mouth to rip it off.

She pointed a hoof at a big hole in the earth. "Come on, we can fly down because we're the only ponies here with wings conveniently," she said. She leapt down and landed twenty feet away from him, which she knew it was because she obviously was really good at determining how far down this hole she never visited before was.

Soarin followed Rainbow Dash without questioning whether this was a good idea or not, landing on the cold stone at the bottom of the hole. To his left, there was a path that led back up to the entrance, conveniently placed there in the slight chance somepony without wings just happened to wind up in the hole. In front of him there was a large pool of water, the surface of which rippled gently. Soaring found this really odd, since there was no air currents in the cavern they were now in. Oh no, there most certainly wasn't any air blowng down the huge hole they had just flown down, that would be silly and illogical.

He walked over to the edge of the pool of water and took a look into it, seeing his reflection. His distorted reflection gave him a smile, and raised a hoof and waved at him before giving him the finger. Somehow.

"Ah," Soarin cried unenthusiastically in panic, falling over backwards and scrambling to get bak on his hooves. "Dash, what was that?" he asked, breathing heavily.

Rainbow Dash stifled a laugh, finding it amusing that her apparently boyfriend got scared and wet himself. "It's call the Mirror Pool," she began to explain. "Pinkie Pie came across it back in season three, episode three, where she used it to create lots of clones of herself. If you jump into it, it will clone you. Because magic water and stuff."

Soarin glanced back at the pool cautiously. "And why exactly would we want to clone ourselves at all, Dash?" Soarin asked, suddenly winning the Nobel Prize for asking the best one-million-bit-question of the century.

"Because you're really really bad in bed Soarin, and I thought you could use some help from yourself," Rainbow Dash said, trying to be seductive by flicking her tail across the floor because that apparently gets horses off or something. "I mean I could just be shipped with Big Mac or somepony else who lasts more than ten seconds under the covers but, you know, I thought this totally-not-gonna-backfire idea was a good idea."

Soarin processed this information in his head for a moment. "Okay, I guess that sounds like a foolproof plan that won't have consequences which could traumatize us later for years to come," he finally said, nodding his head in approval.

"Oh hey, there's suddenly another pool here that wasn't ever seen in the episode from the show!" Rainbow Dash said, walking over to the mentioned pool of water that totally wasn't a cheap second plot convenience.

"What do you think will happen if we get into this one?" Soarin asked, curious.

Rainbow Dash shrugged. "I dunno, but how about we get into it and see what happens? I mean what could possibly happen to us from getting into a magical pool of water that could potentially mutate us or dissolve our entire bodies like an acid bath?"

Soarin put a hoof to his chin in thought, and shurgged. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Come on, let's jump in together then."

A minute later...

"So, suddenly I'm a stallion now," Rainbow Dash said, looking over her new bulky muscular build, her voice lower in tone and pitch and sounding something like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"Oh, how could we have foreseen this happening to us?" Soarin, now suddenly a mare with a sleek build and a higher pitched feminine voice than usual. "How could we have known something would happen from swimming around in a magical pool of water right next to another pool of magical water that caused trouble before?"

"Yeah, I know right?" Rainbow Dash agreed. "Anyways, wanna have sex? This is supposed to be a clopfic after all."

Soarin's brain whirred into overdrive for the third time in this parody as he - or rather 'she' - considered the thought. After a moment 'she' nodded. "Yeah okay then. I mean we could both probably jump back into the pool and become our real genders again but sure, we can have sex first." Soarin turned around and stuck his rear end up in the air. "I've always kinda wondered how a nice big cock up my poo hole would feel like, as every stallion who has ever had a girlfriend has done before."

Rainbow Dash mounted on top of Soarin's delicate form. "Alright, here we go then!"

"Just be gentle though, Rainbow Dash! I'm sure I'd bruise like a delicate peach!"

Some time later...

Soarin and Rainbow Dash, still in their opposite gender forms, laid side by side against a rock. Soarin smoked a cigarette with a satisfied smirk on his - or 'her' - face.

"Well, you were pretty amazing as a dude, Rainbow Dash. I had a lot of fun." Soarin turned to face 'her' female-turned-male companion. "Did you have fun as well?" Soarin asked Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash slowly turned her - or 'his' - head to look at Soarin. Rainbow Dash wore the most disappointed frown of a glare on 'his' face you could have possibly imagined. "Soarin, we had sex for nine seconds, and all I did in that time was touch your ass with the tip of my new shaft before you started crying like a pussy," Rainbow Dash said slowly, all the energy and enthusiasm gone from 'his' voice.

Soarin hung 'her' head in shame. "I'm terrible as a dick, and I'm worse as a pussy," 'she' said sadly.

Rainbow Dash turned 'his' head away from Soarin. "Well, at least if we did have actual sex you wouldn't get pregnant despite being transformed into a full mare, thank Celestia for plot conveniences," Rainbow Dash sighed.

Rainbow Dash rolled over to go to sleep, suddenly feeling exhausted for some reason. "When we turn back into our old genders and get out of here Soarin, I think we should meet other ponies," Rainbow Dash said before going to sleep.

And then a rock fell from the ceiling and hit Soarin on the head.

Rarity Uses A Telephone

Rarity gave a small yawn as she finished putting the last piece of stitching to her new dress. The white-coated pony took a step back to admire the result of several days and nights of hard work and time and effort and expensive sugar-induced coffees. Her secret fashion project was completed at last.

"Oh my, I really have quite outdone myself, if I may say so myself," the upper-classed mare self-complimented. "I only hope Sapphire Shores will love my work. I had better let her know her new show costume is ready for her."

Rarity trotted out of her studio and down the flight of stairs into the kitchen, over to the telephone on its stand, right next to the kitty litter tray. Because why not?

Activating her Spell card to disarm the Trap card that was Set by the phone, she then channeled her magic through her horn to lift the phone of the hook, and bring it to her ear. She then was about to input Sapphire Shore's number...

...until she realized her hooves were far too big for the buttons.

Rarity frowned. "Why do I have this piece of trash?", she asked herself.

Herself didn't know why either...

I Can't Feel My Legs!

During the Equestrian/Griffon War...

BOOM! went the griffon cannon.

WHOOSH! went the cannonball as it flew through the air.

KA-BOOM! went the cannonball as it impacted upon the ground between two of Celestia's soldiers who were sprinting forward into battle.

"AAAAARGH!" went the two soldiers as the force of the blast knocked them on to their sides.

"WHEEEEEEE!" went their helmets, somehow, as they flew into the air, before falling back down onto the ground with a thud.

"TWO POINTS!" went Markiplier as he threw a box into a ring as he played Amnesia: The Dark Descent.

One soldier, groaning in pain as he did so, began to regain consciousness and get up. He limped over to his comrade, and nudged him. "Come on, soldier. Don't die on me now. Get yourself up right now! That's an order!" he barked at the still body of his friend.

A moment passed, and the other soldier let out a cough and began to open his eyes. He weakly turned his head to face his brother-in-hooves, and his face was a solemn despair. "I...I'm afraid you'll...have to go on without me, man," he said as his eyes began to tear up. He turned his head away as he slowly lost control of the watery dam building up in his eyes. "I...I...I can't feel my legs! I can't feel them!"

The first soldier watched his friend as he bawled his eyes out, and rolled his eyes at the sight of the blubbering mass of muscle and steel before him. "Of course you can't feel your legs. You have no arms to feel them with, you fool!"

His friend immediately stopped crying and looked at him in confusion, before looking down at his forelegs for a few moments, then turned his head to look back at the first soldier, who gave him a deadpan expression. He smiled sheepishly, and chuckled. "Oh...so I don't..."

Diamond Tiara (And Silver Spoon) In Hospital

Diamond Tiara groaned as she tried to move about on her not-so-comfortable bed, her attempts to do so restricted by the casts and bandages that riddled her body, along with the IV hooked up to her right foreleg and the overhanging sling that suspended her left hind-leg in the air.

The constant beeping of the monitor by her bedside was steadily getting on her nerves, and the stiffness of the bed she laid upon was not doing her any good.

Still, at least she could talk. Unlike Silver Spoon, who was lying on her own bed beside her. Her entire body was wrapped up in bandages, and all of her legs were suspended in the air by overhanging slings. She kind of looked like a mummified filly. Oddly enough, even her braids were bandaged, and her glasses even had their own hospital bed.

Why did the doctors give the glasses a plasma 45'inch television and games console?

Diamond Tiara sighed and went back to looking at the ceiling.

"Stupid Scootaloo," the pink bitch muttered under her breath. "Stupid dumb rocks."

The faint sound of crashing and screaming suddenly was heard from the floor above. Diamond Tiara stared at the ceiling in confusion, wondering what in the wide, wide world of Equestria was going on upstairs.

And then something large and grey smashed through the ceiling, and Diamond Tiara's scream came out too late, as a massive boulder suddenly covered her vision, along with the rest of her and her hospital bed.

As doctors and nurses ran around the place trying to make sense of what had happened, and trying to come to terms with what in the world had smashed its way down from the roof and through around six floors, a familiar grey Earth pony with a grayish-violent mane and tail peeked over the side from atop the boulder, wearing an emotionless look on her face.

"Bitch, what did I tell you back in Chapter One of this fanfic?", she said in a flat tone of voice.

She then began throwing pebbles at Silver Spoon. For the dull fun of it.

Author's Note

Don't make fun of rocks, rock-haters.

Pinkie Pie Ignores Gravity

Pinkie Pie watched her friend Rainbow Dash flying through the air, weaving in and out of the clouds in her way. The pink party pony gasped and awed as the multi-colored maned pegasus performed loop-de-loops and aerial somersaults and every other neat trick she could think of.

As her friend was reaching the end of her show-off performance, Pinkie Pie began bouncing up and down in excitement, before getting off her pogo stick and jumping up and down instead.

"Ohmygoshthatwassosuperduperawesomemegaultragigadrillbreakerkamehamehafalconpunchmegafantasticspectacular!", the hyped-up Pinkie Pie blurted out in a single breath. "I wish I was able to fly..." she sighed dreamily.

Suddenly, she got an idea.

"I know how I can fly in the air like Rainbow Dash! I'll just ignore gravity!"

Pinkie Pie stopped thinking about gravity...

...and she floated away up into the air, as a passing background pony stood there and watched in absolute confusion and shock at the sight slowly drifting away into the clouds.

Lyra Shows A Penguin Around Ponyville

"...And, er, over there we have the local bakery of Ponyville, 'Sugarcube Corner'. That place is run by the Cakes family, and they, er, do all sots of desserts and treats and stuff," Lyra Heartstrings explained to the little penguin waddling by her side. The penguin gave the establishment one look, and turned away, uttering a simple, "Meh" as he did so.

"Don't you want to go in and meet, er, Pinkie Pie? She used to be one of the Elements of Harmony, you know?" Lyra said to the penguin.

The penguin just shrugged, showing no sign of enthusiasm or care. "Whatever. It's your town," he replied flatly.

The mint-green unicorn rolled her eyes, but managed to keep a positive look on her face. "Well, um, okay then. Er, well, if you follow me over here then...", she said as she led the penguin over to where a large tree-house structure stood, "we also have a library that is owned AND run by an alicorn princess!". She turned to face the penguin and grinned. "Huh? Does that sound awesome or what? A library owned by a princess? Isn't that cool?"

The penguin just stared at her, showing no sign of interest whatsoever. "Yeah, I guess it is. I'm kinda hungry again, though," he said flatly.

Lyra narrowed her eyes at the irritating flightless bird, speaking through clenched teeth. "Why did you even come here?"

Author's Note

Ah, Family Guy. Television's rip-off of the Simpsons, but funnier.

Chuck Norris 'Chuck Norris's' Discord

Discord laughed maniacally as he stood with the exhausted defeated Mane Six lying around him, drained of their strength and unable to so much as stand up anymore, their battle with the mad draconequus ended in their defeat.

"Nah ha ha ha! Nigga's, I be rollin' with wizards and shit!", the crazed entity of Chaos laughed, as he gave Lord Voldemort a high-five. "You can't touch this, you don't have this swagger, bitches!"

A loud gasp came from where Rarity lay, a look of shock on her face. "You can't say that dreadfully atrocious word in this fanfic! What if a colored person read this chapter?"

Discord just laughed even louder as a small pink cloud suddenly materialized over Rarity, and began soaking her with chocolate raindrops. "Bitch, I just beat all ya plotholes, I can say whatever I want! Besides," - Discord snapped his talon and in a flash his entire body had changed to a black-and-gray color - "I'm black as well, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it till you're HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!". Discord's neck began to stretch upwards as he said that last part.

When his neck returned to its normal length, Twilight, albeit with difficulty due to her exhaustion, lifted herself up from the ground a little and looked towards the deranged black-man-wannabe. "You...won't get...away with...this..." she weakly muttered, before giving in and collapsing to the dirt again.

Discord smirked at the fallen alicorn. "Nigga, who's gonna stop me? You ain't riding with yo elements no more, you can't stop the Discord, bitch! I'mma start capping some asses." Discord clicked his paw and a pair of sunglasses appeared on his face, which he lowered as he gave Twilight a wicked grin. "And I ain't talking motherfucking donkeys, by the ways!"

Suddenly, a loud thunderous boom echoed all around, causing Discord to jerk his head up towards the sky, as did the rest of the Mane Six. To each of their shock and amazement, a giant wormhole began to open up high in the heavens, causing the clouds around it to swirl and turn in spiraling patterns. Flashes of lightning and massive thunderbolts blasted from out of the center of the wormhole, as a small figure began to descend down a ray of heavenly light, accompanied by the harmonic singing of an angelic choir.

"The fuck is this?" Discord exclaimed, surprised at what was happening. "The fuck is that?". He looked down at himself, and noticed two very large boobs hanging from his chest. "And the fuck are these?" he chuckled.

Its Discord, man. Deal with it.

Anyways, the figure slowly approached the ground, a few feet away from where Discord stood, and everyone - no, 'everypony', sorry - got a better look at this new challenger. Their jaws fell agape - and Discord's just fell off and grew legs and ran away to be with the dish and the spoon from that one nursery rhyme - at the sight of the greatest man to ever live.

"HOLY SWEET CELESTIA! IT'S CHUCK NORRIS!" all of the Mane Six cried in unison. Pinkie Pie fainted afterwards from the sheer awesomeness that was this god, this master of the black belt, this amazing ginger-haired man NOBODY had the balls to make fun of, lest they suffer a slow and agonizing death, and then be revived by his urine, and made to suffer an even worse death than before.

Discord's face fell, and he bent down to pick it back up and slap it back onto his head, and then let out a very feminine scream of horror. "Chcuk Norris!? But...but how? It's impossible!"

Chuck Norris, the man who attacked sharks when he smelled them bleed, gave the terrified draconequus a deathly stare as he popped his neck and spat onto the ground, causing a beautiful flower to appear where the saliva had landed. "I'm motherfucking Chuck Norris, bitch," the ultimate manly-man growled. "I take logic and sense by their necks, and fuck them right in their tight little asses."

And before Discord could say anything, he vomited a blob of his own blood, as Chuck Norris used his 'Instant Transmission' technique - which he taught to Goku, by the way - to appear right in front of Discord and thrust his literally flaming Dragon Fist straight through the Chaos spirit's chest.

Discord fell onto Chuck Norris's shoulder, breathing his last few seconds of life. With what little strength the draconequus had left, he turned his head to look at Chuck Norris. With a salute of one of his over-sized eyebrows, Discord managed to wheeze, "It was an honor to die by your hoof, Chuck Norris," followed by his hacking up a lung. Well, what was left of it, anyway.

Chuck Norris turned his head slowly to look at the pathetic dying weakling leaning against him. "Ahem, 'hands', asshole," the handsome son of a bitch and legendary woman-pleasing roundhouse-kicking warrior corrected, before blasting the dying Discord with his Super Ultra Mega Hyper Dragon Breath Attack, vaporizing the self-proclaimed master of Chaos forever.

His work now done, Chuck Norris looked to the sky while striking a heroic pose, and said, "I must go now. My planet needs me."

And then he floated away off the screen.

Hey, it's Chuck Norris. You don't question what he does unless you have a death-wish.

Author's Note

Chuck Norris.

Because Chuck Norris can Chuck AND Norris the shit out of you.

Pinkie Pie, Those Aren't Balloons...

"So, um, where did you say you found these balloons again, darling?", an unsure Rarity asked the hyperactive party pony, as she eyed the masses of strange party balloons, which all had a peculiar white stain pattern on them.

Pinkie Pie ceased blowing the balloon she had in her hooves and turned her head to face her friend, a similar white substance covering her upper lip. "Oh, I found all these awesome party balloons in some little mare's bathroom at a strip bar! There was a lot of them lying around on the floor, too! Why you ask, Rarity?"

Pinkie then notcied the strange white substance on her lip, and licked it off. Smacking her lips, she gave a look of disgust. "Bleugh! Tastes like stallion! Why does this frosting taste like stallion?"

Rarity's mouth fell agape, and the next second, she fainted.

Author's Note

Nope. Those were DEFINITELY not party balloons, Pinkie Pie...

Also another chapter idea brought up by Forgotten Legends.

Go check him out. Or something. I'm getting a sandwich while you decide whether to go or stay.

Though you better stay. XD

I'm insane.

Molestia Is Love, Molestia Is Life

I was only twenty-and-a-half years old. I loved Princess Molestia so much. I had all of her fan-made artwork, and all of her illegal and banned toys and merchandise.

Every night, I would kneel by my bed, and say a prayer, thanking Molestia for the life I had been blessed with.

"Molestia is love", I would say. "Molestia is life."

One night, my dad overheard me while putting on his naughty Catholic schoolgirl costume, and he called me a 'faggot'.

I knew he was just jealous of my devotion to Princess Molestia.

So, I turned my head to look at him, and I called him a 'silly man'.

My dad fires an elastic rubber band at my face, and tells me to go to sleep.

I lay on my bed. I am crying now, and I lost my only elastic rubber band.

Suddenly, my bedroom gets warm, and I notice a bright light shining behind me. I turn over on my bed to see what it was.

And I saw Princess Molestia.

I was so happy.

Princess Molestia leans forward to my ear, and she whispers to me, "It's raping time."

She uses her magical powers to lift me up, and put me on my hands and knees. I am ready.

She magically summons a banana, and she sticks it in between my butt cheeks. It's a stale banana, so it hurts, and my eyes begin to water. But I take the pain anyway. I want to please Molestia. She is love. She is life.

Princess Molestia lets out a mighty "I CAME!", and squeezes hard on the banana, filling my entire butt with mushy banana. My dad comes into my room, now dressed as a Thai prostitute. Princess Molestia looks at him straight in the eyes, and says to him, "I got this idea from a Shrek video".

She opens her wings, and she flies right out the window, leaving a rainbow trail behind her, as numerous birds start falling dead from the sky.

I'm still laying on my bed, banana mush drippIng from my butt hole.

Princess Molestia is love. Princess Molestia is life.

Author's Note

If you have seen the 'Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life' SFM video on YouTube, you'll get this chapter. If not, go and watch it. It is weird, but hella funny, man.

Applejack Does Something

Applejack bucked the apple tree and watched as a big red juicy apple fell down. She walked over to it and picked it up in her hoof. She admired the firm perfect texture and feel of the delicious fruit, the fruit that helped her farm and her family pay the bills and put food on the table.

Applejack looked around to see if anypony was watching her. When she confirmed nopony was here in the orchid besides herself, she smiled...

...and rammed the big red juicy apple right up her snatch.

This was a good morning start to the day for the farm pony.

Author's Note

APPLES! APPLES! APPLES APPLES!

Chicken

"Good morning, everypony!" Cheerilee said cheerfully as she took her seat at the front desk.

"Good morning, miss Cheerilee!" her class replied back, beaming smiles and innocent looks on their sweet little faces.

Cheerilee giggled and took out her pen as she pulled a clipboard out. "Alright, class. Time to see who's here today." She looked to her clipboard as she called each student's name out. "Applebloom?"

"Here!" a familiar country voice answered.

Cheerilee nodded as she ticked the box next to the name. "Sweetie Belle?"

"I'm here!" a squeaky voice piped up.

Cheerilee ticked off another box. "Scootaloo?"

"BWAK BWAK BWA-KAW!" came the reply.

Cheerilee nodded her head in confirmation, ticking off Scootaloo's name.

"Okay, that's all three Cutie Mark Crusaders then. Now, is Original Character here today?"

Author's Note

Because chick-chick-chicken jokes, yes?