The Legendary Tales of Barney Stinson and Rainbow Dash
I might have drank a bit much
*Click*.
" Well that should prove it to Ted." Barney smiled deviously at the two smoking hot babes lying in the hotel bed. He put his phone back in his pocket adjusted the tie on his suit, and left like a boss.
" Now to go collect my belt and ..." Barney stopped for a second and put a hand on his rumbling stomach. Feeling the sudden surge he ran to the nearest bathroom and vomited up anything that was still in the tank from last night.
" I might have drank a little to much last night." Barney said shaking slightly." No. There is no such thing as to much booze. I got to pull it together." He checked to make sure his suit was vomit free. Then looked at himself in the mirror and raised a eyebrow. Only I can throw up and still look awesome afterwards. He walked out of the bathroom and turned a corner only to get hit with another wave of nausea. He ran back into the bathroom and repeated his previous endeavour.
" Oh God what's wrong with me. Last time I checked eight shots of tequila and sex doesn't make the Barnacle sick. It makes me awesome." He looked back up at himself in the mirror and saw that he was glowing.
" Um... maybe I did drank a little to much last night." Completely baffled as to why he was tripping he pulled out his phone and attempted to call Ted.
" Barney it's eight on a Sunday what do you want." Ted said bemused.
" Ted I need you to pick me up from the hotel on maple and sixth. I had a crazy night last night. Now I am seeing things and it is totally not awesome.. it's scary." Barney's face betrayed his nervousness from the events that where unfolding.
" Alright, but I have to stop by Robins place real quick. I'll be over in ten." Ted replied. Man Barney is freaked I wonder what's going on.
" Please hurry I don't feel goo..." Barney's phone slipped out of his hand, and his body hit the floor with a thud. Everything around him swirled with colors Barney had never seen before. The bathroom started dissolving away and a tunnel stretched into his field of vision. The last thing Barney heard has Ted throught the phone asking if he was ok. Well at least it was a good night to go out on. The though entered his mind a split second before he entered the tunnel in front of him. Then every thing felt like it was being squeezed.
Barney was floating through cows. Wait why am I with cows. What the hell? He was confused beyond reason. The colourful tunnel that Barney had fallen into had landed him in amongst cows. He got up and brushed the dust off his suit. He looked around and realized he was on a farm. Some one must have drugged me and brought me to this very colorfully farm. That was the only conclusion he could come up with.
"Moo."
" Oh be quiet you stupid cow." Barney shot at the annoying creature.
" Sorry didn't mean to be rude but you did land on me." The cow replied.
All the hairs on Barney's arm stood on end and his eyes shot out wide. He slowly turned around and looked at the cow in front of him. He was about to lose it, but a moment went by and the cow remained silent.
" Oh man I almost though you where talking for a second." Barney sighed with relief.
" Well who else did you think it was, the tree?" The cow said sarcastically.
There where no words to describe what Barney felt. But his eye started twitching and his brain blew a fuse.
" AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
All the cows saw was a blur as Barney ran for all he was worth. He ran through the orchard and through the fields. Until finally a colorful town started to come into view. Theres got to be a phone. I got to get out of here. I am losing my mind!! He ran with sweat dripping from his brow and muscles screaming. But when he got there his horror only multiplied. He stood in the middle of the road transfixed in horror as the populace of the strange fantasy town stared at his strange being. What Barney saw was about a hundred talking multi-colored mini horses with weird tattoos on their asses.
"I am dead. I died and went to LSD land." He said and then fainted.
" Hello!? Are you dead?"
Barney laid still not opening his eyes.
" Hey who ever you are I know your awake."
Please don't be real. Please don't be real. Please don't be real.
" Get up."
*smack*
Barney sat up and scowled at the rainbow colored pegasus thing in front of him " Ow knock it off. You crazy horse thing, now go away and leave me alone." Barney said bemused. Then closed his eyes again and laid back down.
The cyan pony looked at him confused. " Well what ever you are, you do know your lying on the ground in a suit right?" She stated bluntly.
Faster than the eye could see Barney stood up and started brushing the dirt off profusely. " Oh no! This was such a beautiful suit. God in heaven please forgive me for soiling such a precious thing." Barney's voice went high pinched towards the end.
The pony next to him laughed and said, " Wow your worst than Rarity. So...Um who are you, and what are you cuz you look funny?"
Barney collected his bearings and replied. " I am a human and my name is Barnabas Stinson. But let's stick with Barney. I have no idea how I got here, and I don't know how to get back. Any help you can give me would be most appreciated."
" Well my name is Rainbow Dash I saw you lying on the road and came to help. I am the fastest and most awesome pony in all of Equestria. I don't know if I can help much to get you home but there is a bar near by if you need something to help you relaxe. After all you seem a little high strung. Then again you're not from around here."
" Actually miss Dash I think that might be a good idea. As long as I am here I might as well get a drink."
" Just call me Dash. Miss isn't my thing."
With that they started walking more into town. More ponies saw Barney and ran for their lives in a panic. Barney couldn't blame them. To them he was an alien, an outcast. He was filled with a feeling of dread that he might not ever get home or see his best friends again. For that matter I might never sleep with a girl again. Then a thought hit him. It was something he said a while back that made any bad situation better. "When ever I am sad I stop being sad and start being awesome instead."
With that in mind his steps were lighter and the world seemed better. He was going to make this situation good. No matter what, while he was in Equestrisomething he was going to be awesome.
Once they reached the bar Barney and Rainbow Dash grabbed a booth. They started some small talk and the waitress came by.
" Hello what can I get for.. Holy Bucking Celestia What Are You?" The waitresses jaw dropped.
" Winney it's ok. This is my friend Barney, he is a human. Calm down and grab us some cider." Dash said reassuringly.
She backed up slowly eyes still bulging as she went to go grab the drinks.
Barney looked and his psychedelic friend and said, " Thanks that would have been awkward."
" Don't mention it." She said with her cocky voice as the waitresses returned with their drinks.
Both patrons took their mugs and toasted.
" To weird stuff." They said and gulped down the brisk hard cider.
As the amazing liquor poured down his throat a brilliant idea formed in his mind. He set his mug down and looked at Rainbow Dash, his face had a huge grin that only a certain pink mare could appreciate.
" Rainbow Dash I am going to teach you how to live!" He said as a matter a factly.
Rainbow Dash looked at him and raised an eye brow. "What?"
The Legendary Tales of Barney Stinson and Rainbow Dash
The Gay, The Bro, and The Alcohol
" Your going to do what now?"
Barney took a sip then set his mug down. He looked at Rainbow Dash and said, " Since you claim to be the most awesome person um... pony in all of Equestria I have decided that you, miss Rainbow Dash will be my Bro for the duration of my stay in the mythical land of magical ponies. Congratulations." He ended with his best game show host impression.
" I don't get it. What's a Bro?" Rainbow Dash asked.
Barney let out a gasp, then face palmed. " Oh Dash you have much to learn. But fear not for I will teach you the finer skills of Brodom." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small book and gave it to Rainbow Dash.
" This is a miniature but it will do. It is now the most important thing you own, your copy of the Bro code. I always have one just in case. You must read this and follow it's teachings. It is the law that guild's all us Bro's. These laws trump even that of federal laws. It in essence is th."
" Ok I get it, it's really important. I'll read it and do my best."
" You must above all else obey the code."
Rainbow Dash was getting a little annoyed. " I will Barney now shut up!"
" Alright then, now let get down to business." He got up out of the booth and grabbed Dash's hoof and started dragging her over to the bar.
" Hey what are you doing?"
" Since you are my Bro I am you wingman. It is my sworn duty to get you laid. Now you see that women...or um what's the term, oh yeah mare over there?" Barney pointed at the mare with the electric blue mane and red shades at the end stool.
Rainbow Dash look over and her face turned a deep crimson. She looked back at Barney and raised an eye brow." Ok first off how do you know I'm gay. I could be strait jackass."
Barney looked at his cyan protege and laughed. " Snarky, I like that. But come know Raindow Dash the key word in that sentence was "could", that and the fact that you're practically a walking gay rights poster. Trust me I have been doing this for a long time I know when someone, or in your case somepony is gay. Don't worry I don't judge. My own brothers gay. After all if there weren't people or ponies that where into stuff like that we wouldn't have pictures like this."
He took his phone out and showed Rainbow Dash a picture of two naked girls cuddling on a large bed. " You got to admit it's hot. Haha."
Rainbow Dash looked at him like he just told a bad joke. " Barney your evil." Then she sighed and looked over at the mare sitting on the edge of the bar. " But your right I am gay. So what's the plan?"
" I'm glad you asked. Wait how do you know she's gay?"
" Her name is Vinyl Scrach and she's pretty open about it. This is a small town. Then hold on, if you didn't know she was gay and you were going to try and hook me up with her. I was walking into a trap. You know for a wingman you suck just letting me fly in blind."
" I would never do that. I was going to slap her ass and you're going to rescue her from big bad me. After you do that you will strike up a conversation about how all men are stupid then see how she responds. I think you can handle it from there."
She looked at him with admiration. " Your a bucking genius." She stretch out her wings and popped her neck. " Lets do it."
Rainbow Dash was making out heavily with Vinyl Scrach in the bathroom. They slowly made their way into a stall, still in each other's hooves. Dash grabbed Scrach's hips and slammed her against the wall.
" Your hot Rainbow Ass." Vinyl said in a slurred tone.
" It's Rainbow Dash you crazy bitch."
She ran her hoof through her new friends electric blue mane. Things started making out again. However, things were get really hot and they both had to stop so they could breath.
" Hey you want to take this back to my place?" Scratch asked giggling.
" Of course we can. But hey I got to take care of something real quick." She left the stall with a goofy smile plastered to her face. Rainbow Dash made her way back to the bar and she stopped. The scene in front of her very much resembled her college days. A crowed had gathered around the bar with Barney in the center. His coat was gone and his tie was tied around his head. On the bar was Winney the waitress with a some pony pouring some Applejacks whisky into her navel. Barney then took a swig of cider then threw the mug behind him and knelt down and sucked all the whisky out of Winney's hole. He stood up and faced the crowd.
" That my fellow horse people is a body shot." The crowd started cheering in a drunk array. Rainbow Dash laughed. She was glad he is enjoying himself. She then made her way through the blasted crowed and stood in front of Barney.
" Hello miss Rainbow Dash how is that Vinyl girl working out." His breath smelled heavily of alcohol.
" Great. Awesome actually we are going back to her place. Thanks a lot." She said her cheeks flushed.
Barney smiled at his success.
" I m going to send you to my friend's house ok. I'll pick you up in the morning."
" Alright where's the place?"
" It's the Library right down the street shaped like a giant tree. Just tell her RD sent you and that I 'll return Daring Doo next wednesday."
Barney nodded. " Down the street got it. I will see you tomorrow. Or in a couple of hours I don't know." He raised his hand at Rainbow Dash and smiled. " Hight five."
" Alright then don't freak her out, she is a bit high strung if you know what I mean." She high fived him knowing that even if he was as calm as possible Twilight would still probably freak out.
Barney nodded and grabbed his coat off the bar stool and headed for the door. The crowd that crammed the bar dispersed and Dash headed to the back to grab her new friend and take her home.
Barney made his way into the street and looked around for the tree shaped library. He couldn't help shaking the feeling that tree librarys where probably normal around here. He saw the big tree and started stumbling toward it. He fell down a couple of times regretting that he lost his motor skills but knowing they went with good purpose. Once he reached the door he grabbed the frame to steady himself. He raised his hand slowly and knocked. A couple minutes past and no one answered so he banged loader.
" Alright I'm coming don't get your nidgleisblifer..." The voice behind a the door turned to a quit mumbling.
A purple glow enveloped the door knob turning it and opening the door. Barney saw that Dash's friend was a purple unicorn with wings and wearing a night gown. She yawned and rubbed her eyes.
" What is the meaning of this it's two in the morning I was...." She stopped midrant as she took in who was at the door. She took a couple of steps back and slowly reached for her giant Marester dictionary.
" Hi my name is Barney Stinson I am very drunk and I need a place to stay. RD sent me, she said she was going to return Daring Doo on wednesday I think?" He looked at her grinning stupidly.
Twilight looked at Barney for a second disbelief still lingering. She set the dictionary down and opened the door wider.
" Well I guess you can come in then." She sighed. She could not believe Rainbow Dash was still sending over her drunk friends.
Barney made his way inside the library. He looked around the library. He noticed the kitchen in the back and the stairs that led to a higher level. There was also another hallway with a door at the far end. Barney looked down at his host and she looked up back at him.
" Ok Barney you see the hallway down there?" He nodded.
" Well open the door, down there is the basement. It has my chemistry stuff and a couch. You can crash there for the night." She pointed at the hallway. Twilight turn the lights off and went back to her room.
" Thanks." He yawned and made his way down the stairs and on to the soft sofa. Besides the smell of dust everything felt perfect. He slowly drifted off to sleep. Thus ending the night.
