Author's Note

Oh, and when I say myriad of other kinks, I mean a myriad.
Though, hopefully I can avoid becoming ridiculous with this debauchery.
Oh, and fair warning, it jumps right into it.

The Preliminary Selection Process

Twilight Sparkle knew all too well of the gender disparity plaguing Equestria, and like many mares, she herself was affected by the lack of options. For every stallion born, there were eight mares, and few ponies were open to the idea of polyamory, with even fewer being capable of pulling such a relationship off. This gap started off small, and remained rather steady up until sometime around the banishment of Nightmare Moon; one would think with the return of Princess Luna this issue would right itself, but for reasons unknown, the birth statistics remained the same. The birth rate of colts to fillies was still sobering, with no sign of improvement in sight.

Princess Celestia, in her wisdom, tasked the Canterlot Mages’ Society with finding a solution to this disparity. A spell was developed, one that rendered sperm cells carrying the X-chromosome immobile, for use in repopulating the kingdom; though with there already being so few stallions in small cities and towns, the issues of possible inbreeding over several generations kept it from seeing large-scale distribution. No, what Equestria needed was a way to generate new stallions without using the genetic stock already present; for this, Twilight Sparkle performed her own research into the matter. Transformation and, ahem, augmentation spells were often used by same sex couples, but sperm produced magically were entirely blank, genetically speaking.

So, if Twilight was going to make any difference, she needed to find a way to produce healthy sperm, without using a stallion or creating them directly through magic. In order to create what she needed, she had to first study the anatomy and inner workings of the male reproductive system; with a mixture of book-based research and experiments in manual stimulation of both natural penises and their facsimiles, she had a very clear picture of the look, feel, and function of the male primary sexual characteristics. Though, as necessary as all the bodily details were, the chemical makeup of seminal fluid, as well as the motion sperm cells utilized to meet the ovum, were just as important. To meet this end, Twilight hand-collected several samples from a local drinking establishment, as well as one or two from stallions who did not drink.

Texture, viscosity, sperm count, and taste were taken into account, enough so that Twilight felt reasonably sure she could create the necessary chemicals for the creation of seminal fluid. While most experiments regarding the body usually had sample pools of hundreds, she had to make do with thirty stallions, though in a town of only a few thousand, this accounted for a fair portion of the male population. Even Carrot Cake, the owner of Sugarcube Corner and father of a rambunctious pair of twins, was given permission by his wife to donate to the cause; Twilight still had no idea why Mrs. Cake insisted on using a penile facsimile to massage his prostate while she herself manually stimulated him. Given they had a colt, it wasn’t really her place to question their methods.

Though her sample size as relatively small, Twilight felt she had gathered enough data to begin preliminary trials. Her first attempts had been, in her opinion, riddled with laughable errors. filled with laughable errors; while many ponies would think of such attempts as failures, mistakes, the purple alicorn felt they were opportunities to learn, and every bit as important as success. Her spell, more of a quilt of dozens of other incantations woven together, have her the full setup one would find on a typical stallion, albeit temporarily. She still maintained her femininity, though it was obscured from the front by a pair of testicles; her first attempt had them so lopsided one was the size of a decent grapefruit and the other could have been mistaken for a robin’s egg. Now, they were a firm midline for her observations: a decent handful, but entirely palmable.

Similarly, her new stallionhood was originally titanic, massive enough that it diverted enough blood to dizzy her, even when sheathed. Its length and girth were now the mathematical averages of the stallions who had graciously donated their semen for study. Now, much like how it had been many times since Twilight create the organ, it tented the fabric of her sundress, which she only wore to keep her testes cool. Beside, most of her regular bottoms hadn’t been made for somepony with extra bits in the front. Having sported her tool for the better part of two weeks, with some magical stimulus to speed up the process, she harvested her first batch of true, swimming sperm cells shortly after waking up. The use of magic was necessary for the moment, as the entire process took somewhere in the area of three months; the entire process was sadly within the gap of equine understanding.

Thankfully, even under her most powerful microscope, the new gametes seemed perfectly like those found in most stallions; Twilight recorded the amount, sperm count, color, viscosity, and temperature before disposing of it in the method to which she’d grown accustomed. She had grown accustomed to the taste, and smiled as she raised the cylinder's brim to her lips; her product was sweet with a tart kick, a bit like strawberries mixed with lemons, and she groaned as the thick liquid left a warm trail down her throat that permeated her belly. She blushed and adjusted her sundress as the warmth radiated downwards and settled in her nethers; she had to keep quiet as she felt wetness spread from her duel sexes, a serious consequence of her now seemingly-bottomless arousal and overly-hormonal state.

She squirmed as her stallionhood rubbed against the pre-soaked cloth of her sundress, and opted to strip; in her mind, she was in the sanctity of her own laboratory, so being nude was no big deal. The cool, damp air of the basement kiss her skin in all the right places, and despite her earlier release, Twilight couldn’t help but trail a hand down her body, ignoring her rigid shaft in favor of her moist lips. Reclining in a chair, her fingers danced over her sex, until she slipped one in to rub at her clit. She curled up and spread her legs to better access herself, and plunged a finger into her tunnel. Tenderly, almost scared to be too rough, she wrapped a hand around her shaft and gave it a gently stroke.

Her hand was too dry to be enjoyable, so her lust-addled mind came up with a devious plan; she rubbed her entire hand against her marehood to coat in her liberally flowing juices, and used the now-wet appendage to stroke herself. The difference was like night and day, as she usually used her magic to stimulate her new organ; her warm, wet grip was nearly intoxicating as she slowly pumped at her sensitive shaft. She bit her lip to keep quiet as the still-alien sensations sent electricity up her spine. She groaned and sped up, arching her back against her hand as her horn sparked in sympathetic glee.

The strangest sensation spread through her lower body as her female sex mirrored the pleasure of its male counterpart. In her mind’s eye, Twilight saw a stallion hammering away at her pussy while a mare busied herself riding on her cock. She heard the brutish male grunt and hilt inside her, as he spilled his seed in her farthest depths; the mare shrieked and slammed down on her shaft, grinding through her own orgasm. Warm, wet splashes against her face woke Twilight from her stupor as her stallionhood twitched in her hand, sputtering out the last few drops of cum after shooting most of it over her.

“Um, Twilight,” Spike began, alerting the purple alicorn to his presence. Like always, he was rather supportive of her experiments, even if he made an effort to avoid assisting her in recording her results; Twilight figured it had something to do with the teenaged dragon being uncomfortable around another penis rather than being unwilling to help. “I, uh, talked to the paper about running the ad for a lab assistant, with you requirements.”

“Did you remember to put up the fliers?” she asked, catching her breath. Having male genitalia for the past couple of weeks, and dealing with the near constant arousal the added hormones forced her to experience, she realized her cum-covered state either disgusted her assistant, or provoked a few unwanted thoughts in him. A niggling voice in the back of her mind said teasing the teenage drake like this was perfectly okay, and overlayed his image with that of the stallion from her fantasy; the thought of her assistant taking her from behind aroused her more than Twilight wanted to admit, though her body thankfully remained calm.

“Uh huh, same level of detail and everything,” he answered, making a very serious effort to look only in her eyes. She knew taking enjoyment seeing him so flustered was probably wrong on some level, but a larger part relished in the idea; after all, Spike had certainly filled out since they moved to Ponyville, and could give a number of stallions a run for their money in the looks department.

“Thanks, Spike,” Twilight said, using her magic to collect to the cum from her face before tossing it back like her favorite drink. That same warmth blossomed again, but she maintained control of her urges and resisted that voice telling her to throw herself onto the table and beg her assistant to take her. “We’re going to accomplish a lot, I can tell.”

“Really think you can fix this whole mess?” Spike asked, handing her a fresh change of clothes. They were for her to wear during the interview process, so her new equipment didn't stick out like it would in a dress. The pants were new, purchased that morning while he was in town, and had the extra room to accommodate Twilight’s extra bits.

“We’ll do our very best,” she answered, smiling. Spike, obviously, wasn’t directly affected by the lack of colts being born, but with his long life, he would not want to see the race that raised him die out while he still drew breath. In a way, the alicorn realized her favorite assistant was a contingency plan, somepony to carry on if she died without completing her mission.

_-_-_-_The Next Day_-_-_-_

The Ponyville Daily ran a unique classified that morning, asking for a pony between the ages of twenty and forty to act as an assistant for Princess Twilight Sparkle. The age requirement was explained by a certain degree of physical activity that may have been too much for anypony too young or too old. This advertisement was mirrored by the countless fliers tacked and stapled to the various notice boards, signposts, and one or two windows. In every case, the words were clear, the language was informal, and the entire prospect was welcoming.

WANTED: Laboratory assistant.

Must be physically well and between the the ages of twenty and forty.

Must be able to take notes using scientific language and citation (willing to educate if need be)

Must be trustworthy, and able to keep sensitive information to oneself.

Inquire at Golden Oaks Library.

The stallions who answered were treated no differently than any other applicant, but all were told they were not the sort of help Twilight was looking for. Most ponies who answered the posting were looking for work during the summer, when most businesses either cut employee hours or simply shut down when the weather warmed up. Many of the mares who came in were either too young, married, currently in a committed relationship, engaged in behavior that could jeopardize the experiment, or were too old, and ran the risk of bearing foals who suffered from congenital maladies or other birth defects. As nice as the mares were, if they were outside the perfect range, and despite having very good chances of having children who were perfectly healthy, even slightly worse odds were thrown out.

After the rigorous selection, drug testing, paperwork, bloodwork, and a few other tests waved off as being necessary to see if the applicant was allergic to certain chemicals and materials, only two applicants viable. One was the resident mailmare, Derpy Hooves, aged thirty-two, who was already a mother with two daughters. Her reason for application was a hopefully temporary layoff while the postal unions were on strike, but there was no end in sight. She was single, passed all tests with flying colors, and demonstrated a level of clinical skill that was entirely unexpected from her. She was a strong choice for selection, and by her own admission, was willing to do whatever was necessary to feed her family.

The other hopeful was one Miss Cheerilee, local schoolteacher, aged thirty. Like Derpy, she passed everything swimmingly, but was not a mother herself; in fact, Twilight couldn't recall a single time she’d seen her with a stallion, or another mare for that matter, in a romantic setting, save for the incident with the love poison. Physically speaking, she was fit enough for the work that would be asked of her, but with her job guaranteed to begin again in autumn, information leaks may be an issue. She was, however, trustworthy enough to know of the other dubious experiments Twilight carried out, and even helped burn her vampire plants to death when asked.

This was a choice between two amazing possibilities, for different reasons; either the mailmare or the schoolteacher would be brought in on the secret. Were Twilight feeling risky, she could attempt to use them both, for two samples instead of the one she anticipated. Perhaps, if she took on both, she could try for an increase in research grants from the princesses, who were doubtlessly working on their own solutions.

“Spike, take a letter,” she began, smiling at her plan.