Rarity on DXMby SyeekohChaptersIt BeginsBass CannonStupid Sexy FunKilling TimeBattle RoyaleImpasses Are So PasséPharmacy RaceIt Ends?It BeginsRarity was busy stitching a dress for Fluttershy when she heard the soft ringing of a bell. She turned her head to see Sweetie Belle enter, then turned back to the dress. “Hello, Sweetie Belle,” Rarity said as Sweetie Belle dropped her saddlebags off at the door. “Hey, Rarity,” her sister said, trotting up to Rarity, “is there anything I can help you with today?” Rarity smiled at the offer her younger sister had given her, then shook her head. “No, that’s quite alright, but thank you for offering.” Sweetie nodded and quickly went upstairs. Rarity kept her stitching up when she noticed that Sweetie Belle had left her saddlebags at the door. She put her needle down and trotted over to the bags. “Hey, Sweetie Belle, you forgot your—” and stopped when she noticed that one of the bags was open. Rarity started sweating. She had promised that she wouldn’t go snooping through her stuff anymore, but who was to say that what she saw when the bag accidentally tipped over wasn’t fair game? Sighing, she gently tipped over the bags, and was promptly shocked by what she had discovered tumbling out of it. In addition to Sweetie’s schoolbooks and random fric-a-frac was what appeared to be a box of medicine. Interested, she picked it up in her magic and examined it. Now why would Sweetie Belle have a bottle of cough medicine in her things? A steady stream of newspaper articles slowly sank into her head about the dangers of ‘Robotripping’, or drinking excessive amounts of cough syrup in order to get intoxicated. Rarity’s features slowly morphed from confusion into rage as she stomped upstairs and slammed the guest room door open, where Sweetie Belle turned from brushing one of her dolls. A tear formed in Rarity’s eye at the expression of innocence before her, then shook her head. “Sweetie Belle!” Rarity shouted. Sweetie Belle smiled. “Yes, Rarity?” Rarity revealed the bottle of cough medicine, upon which Sweetie Belle’s smile turned into an expression of fear. “Wait, Rarity, I can explain!” Rarity scoffed. “How do you intend on explaining this away?” she said, dangling the box of medicine in front of her. Sweetie Belle gulped. “Um...bad cough?” Sweetie tried, creating an obviously fake hacking sound while covering her mouth with her hoof. Rarity stomped, upon which Sweetie jumped, her cough being magically cured. “Don’t try and pull the wool over my eyes, Sweetie Belle. Especially somepony that knows quite a bit about wool.” Sweetie Belle hung her head low, tears forming in her eyes. “Well, what do you want me to say?” Rarity shook her head.“The truth.” Sweetie Belle opened her mouth, shut it, then said, “I wasn’t gonna drink the whole thing! Me, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo were gonna share it!” Rarity gasped in horror. “You mean you got your friends into this!?” Sweetie Belle let out a nervous grin. “Well, it was Scootaloo’s idea. She thought we could get our Cutie Marks in Psychedelic Exploration!” “Getting your Cutie Marks in...did you say Psychedelic Exploration?” Rarity then shook her head, shocked at what she had just said. “No! I will not have my baby sister doing drugs!” “But they sell it over the counter at the pharmacy! How dangerous could it be?” Rarity huffed. “Not so dangerous, eh? Didn’t you hear about little Pipsqueak’s overdose?” Sweetie Belle shook her head. “That wasn’t an overdose! He took the wrong kind! If you look at the active ingredients, that only has one!” Rarity, unsure of what her sister was saying, looked at the back of the box. True to Sweetie Belle’s pleadings, there was only one active ingredient in the concoction. Maybe she does know what she’s...no! “Sweetie Belle, no! I simply can’t allow you to do drugs, especially when you’re staying at my place of residence!” Rarity then took a breath and continued. “What if something were to happen to you? Then I’d have to explain to Mom and Dad what you were doing. You wouldn’t like that very much, now would you? Imagine the distress they’d go through, not to mention me!” Sweetie Belle hung her head low. “...I suppose you’re right, Rarity.” She then looked up to her sister. “I’m sorry, Rarity. I was being selfish.” Rarity grinned and moved in to hug her sister, which Sweetie Belle returned happily. “Well, as long as you understand. I just worry about you, and seeing this in your saddlebag made me fear that you were growing up too fast.” Sweetie Belle nuzzled her sister’s barrel. “Now why would you do such a thing in the first place? You don’t really strike me as the type to do this sort of thing, even with the promise of a Cutie Mark.” Sweetie Belle looked up into her sister’s eyes. “Well, Scootaloo said that she heard from Rumble that Snips told him that it felt really good.” Rarity let out a warm chuckle and rubbed her sister’s head. “Sweetie Belle, Sweetie Belle, Sweetie Belle...There are many ways to feel good. Eating ice cream, hanging out with friends, catching the eyes of boys…” “RARITY!” Sweetie Belle squeaked, her cheeks reddening. Rarity giggled at her sister’s reaction. She’d understand someday that boys weren’t full of cooties. Rarity then disengaged from Sweetie Belle. “Well, now that we’ve had this chat, I’m going into the bathroom to dump this dreadful stuff down the drain. You go out and play with your friends.” Sweetie Belle nodded. “OK, Rarity!” Rarity watched as Sweetie Belle bounded out the door, hearing her hoofsteps down the stairs, finally hearing the bell of her boutique ring as she left. Rarity chuckled, then trotted towards her bathroom and shut the door, opening the box with her magic and throwing it away. What was left was an eight ounce bottle of a thick liquid. She stared at it, twirling it in her magic. Psychedelic Exploration? She fumbled with the child-safety cap on the bottle. They should really call it an earth-pony safety cap, she thought to herself as she finally popped the top open, throwing it in the trash along with the box. She went to pour it down the drain, when a thought crossed her mind. So they say it makes you feel really good… She twirled the bottle around in her magic examining it. Well, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to see what all the fuss is all about. But how much should I drink? Well, if the three of them were going to split it, I suppose I should drink the whole thing. She hesitantly brought the bottle to her lips, pulling it away almost instantly when the horrid smell of the concoction touched her olfactory nerve, causing her to gag and retch. She then shook her head and steeled herself. Come on, if a bunch of kids can drink this, you can too, Rarity! She then pinched her nostrils shut as she brought the bottle to her lips again and started drinking it. It was all she could do to not spit it up. It tasted like liquid sick mixed with fungus! She drank the entire contents, sweating all the while. Finally, she pulled the bottle away from her lips as she was done, bending over and taking exaggerated gasps as her entire body seemed to protest against the disgusting gunk she had just swallowed. Finally, she rose up, threw away the bottle, and grasped a glass in her magic. She held it underneath the faucet as she turned it on, exhaling ragged breaths at the miserable concoction she had just ingested, downing the water quickly as the glass filled up, turning off the faucet. She then put the glass down, inhaled, then exhaled, and opened the bathroom door, heading back downstairs to continue work on Fluttershy’s dress. This had better be worth it, she thought to herself as she shuddered at the cold gooeyness that disgustingly sloshed inside of her stomach. Bass CannonRarity smiled as she finished the final stitches on Fluttershy’s new dress, which was orange around the barrel and had a purple train, satisfied with her work. She decided to celebrate by listening to some music. Knowing where the record player was by heart, she dizzily scuffled over to the box of vinyl records she kept and flipped through them. Let’s see here...Horns’N’Roses, no...Primitus, no...Rage Against Trixie!? Heavens no! She was checking through all of her records until one caught her eye:Wubadubdub, Motha*****S!!!! by Vinyl Scratch. Rarity lifted it up in her magic, drunkenly examining it. Pinkie Pie had gotten it for her as what was presumably a joke, for she didn’t think much of this ‘dubstep’ and she found the title most inappropriate. However, it’s the only record I haven’t listened to yet….and it seems to be calling my name. Sighing, she lifted the needle on the record player, slipped the record out of the folder, placed the record on the player, and rested the needle on the record. She then turned the record player on. Rarity started tapping her hoof to the electronic noises coming out of the record player. Hmmm, not bad. Maybe it’ll sound better louder, though? Rarity tried to access the volume knob with her magic when to her frustration she found that she was vexed by its location. Rarity sighed and stumbled over to the record player. Makes sense. I usually never really use it except for ambient noise. She made it to the record player, which seemed to take a bit longer than it usually did, and located the volume knob, which was set to three. She studied it, noticing that it went up pretty high, stopping at eleven. Rarity mused on the knob for a bit. Should I really turn it up that high? Confused, she reached for the folder that the record was previously located in and read the back. Most of it was writer credits and publishing information, but there were also a loud-looking recommendation across the bottom that read: For best results, play it all the way to eleven! Rarity put the folder back in the record box, shrugged, and twisted the volume knob all the way to eleven with her hoof. The effects were felt immediately as the ensuing aural assault blasted her perfectly styled coiffure and tail straight back, causing them to pulse with the rhythmic bass. The sheer magnitude of the audile attack on herself scrambled her mind and seared all the way through her soul, touching her very being as a smile danced across her face. The pulsing wubs had an effect on her body, causing it to harmoniously sway along with the music. Yes, I do find why this dubstep is so enjoyable. Applejack was trotting to Carousel Boutique, bothered by the loud music somepony was blasting, causing Applejack to shake her head in dismay. Must be onnea tha neighbor kids...or probably Lyra. So she was surprised to find the source to be Carousel Boutique, outside of which she found a shivering Fluttershy. Applejack waved to Fluttershy and headed over. “Hey, Fluttershy! What’re you doing here?” she asked. Fluttershy gulped. “Well, Rarity was stitching me a new dress, and we were going to the spa afterwards—” Applejack chuckled. “Whaddaya know, that’s why I’m here too! Rarity done convinced me to go the the spa with her. Said it’d help with ma cracked hooves…” she said as she stared down at her hooves, which were cracked from long days of working. “So what’re ya doing out here?” Fluttershy shook her head. “It’s too loud in there for me to go in.” Applejack chuckled. “Now, now, Fluttershy, this is Rares we’re talkin’ about! How loud could it be?” she said as she opened the door to Carousel Boutique, when she was met with what must have been the loudest sound she had ever had the mispleasure of hearing, as her hat blew away, Fluttershy catching it handily. She slammed the door shut and turned away, her eyes bloodshot from the sheer audio attack that had been inflicted upon them. “Holy Toledo that’s loud!” She nodded to Fluttershy in appreciation as she handed her her hat back, fixing it on the top of her head. She then steeled herself. “If’n we’re gonna get Rarity’s attention, we gotta turn that music off!” With that, she put a hoof on the top of her hat. “Fluttershy, open tha door. I’m goin’ in.” Fluttershy’s eyes widened in shock. “Really? But your eyes have been damaged by the force of the bass!” Applejack shook her head. “And imagine what Rares is goin’ through! It’s something I’d do for a friend. Now open the danged door!” Fluttershy nodded hesitantly and stood to the side of the door, opening it with a wing. Applejack’s very skin seemed to be peeling off at the force of the music, but she bravely strode in, upon which Fluttershy slammed the door behind her. Applejack was pinned to the ground upon the door slamming. Sighing, Applejack shook her head and slowly crawled towards the record player, which Rarity was mindlessly swaying in front of. Inch by inch, Applejack dragged herself across the floor of the boutique until she reached the player, slowly lifting her hoof off of the ground and shutting it off, standing up upon doing so. Rarity’s mane fell flat to her sides as she turned her head to Applejack, where Applejack saw that her pupils were as wide as saucers and she had a bit of a blush to her. Ah don’t lahke the looks a this. Rarity giggled. “Now, now, whyever would you do that?” she said as she turned the record player back on, causing Applejack to fly into and roughly slam against the opposite wall of the boutique, her body pinned a foot above the ground due to the sheer sound emanating from the record player. Rarity started gagging and turned the music down, upon which Applejack slowly slid down the wall onto her haunches, shaking her head. Rarity then brought a waste paper basket to her muzzle, gagging all the way, then let out a red stream of vomit from her mouth as Applejack watched in horror. “Rarity, what’s wrong—” and Applejack was promptly cut off by another jet of vomit escaping Rarity’s mouth, which Applejack retched at upon seeing. “Rarity, what in the—” and Applejack was interrupted once more by puke jetting out of Rarity’s mouth. “Rarity—” and she was interrupted yet again by Rarity barfing into the waste paper basket. Finally, confident she was done, Applejack asked, “Rarity, what in the hay is wrong with ya?” Rarity chuckled while breathing heavily as she placed the waste paper basket filled with the red emesis back in its location. “Whatever do you mean, Applejack?” Applejack raised an eyebrow at the way she said that. It was both drunken and mechanical at the same time. Applejack slowly stood up and shook her head. She knew what this was. “Rarity, why don’t you come with me to Twilight’s and we can have sommea those teacakes that you like?” Rarity chuckled at the suggestion. “I’m not feeling so hungry right now, Applejack. Sorry.” Applejack started sweating. “Well, then, how about some tea to get the taste of vomit outta yer mouth?” Rarity shook her head. “I don’t really taste anything.” “Well, then, would you do it for a friend?” Rarity thought on that for a second. “Yes, Applejack, I’ll do it for a friend.” Rarity then started walking in the most odd manner towards Applejack. It was as if she were a marionette or as if her legs were clockwork devices, slowly lifting and dropping them as opposed to striding. Applejack smiled nervously as Rarity closed in. Rarity then grasped the record with her magic and brought it to her in the same jerky motion that her legs were making, twitching her head apropos of nothing. “Can’t forget this,” Rarity said, giggling. “Who knew dubstep was so heavenly?” Applejack kept smiling as she led Rarity out. “That’s strange, I feel like I’m still inside,” she said as she looked around the clear blue sky in wonder, Fluttershy staring in disbelief as the odd way that Rarity was walking. Applejack passed by Fluttershy and whispered into her ear, “We have a Code Twi on our hands. You know the drill.” Fluttershy nodded uneasily. “Y-yes. Check the premises for anything suspicious and report back to Twilight’s when I find something.” Applejack nodded and winked at Fluttershy, then headed towards Rarity, who appeared lost. “Which way is it to Twilight’s, again? I can’t seem to get my bearings...” Applejack winced, then smiled as she took her hoof. “Right this way, Rares.” They both walked off to Twilight’s house as Applejack looked back to see Fluttershy entering Carousel Boutique. Applejack’s smile quickly turned into a worried frown as she worried about exactly what got into Rarity’s system. Stupid Sexy Fun“So, is everypony here?” Twilight Sparkle asked behind the library counter. “Here,” Applejack said as she raised a hoof, sitting on the couch by a lying down Rarity. Spike was curled up on Rarity’s barrel, protective of his true love. “HerehereHERE!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, pronking around excitedly. “Yo!” Rainbow Dash said as she sat on her haunches by the couch. Rarity looked around confusedly. “Where are we again?” Applejack facehooved. “We’re in Twi’s library, Rares.” “Oh.” “And I’m here...so that just leaves Fluttershy!” Twilight said excitedly, scribbling down on a list. “Where is that mare, anyway?” “She’s engaging in the Code Twi I ordered,” Applejack said, which drew an angry glare from Twilight. “I thought we agreed to call it a code intoxication.” “No, you wanted to call it a code intoxication, but tha rest of us outvoted ya.” Twilight facehooved. “Fine. It’s been forty minutes. Where is—” the door swung open revealing Fluttershy followed by Big Macintosh, who was balancing a rather large box on his back. “Here I am! I searched Rarity’s house from top to bottom, and found anything suspicious!” Fluttershy said. “Eeyup,” Big Macintosh said. He then turned his head towards Applejack. “How often does this happen, Applejack?” Applejack shrugged. “It’s only happened once before, but Twilight figured that we name it in case it happens again.” “Uh...huh.” “So, anyway, let me codify the contents of that box,” Twilight said as she grasped something in her magic, frowning upon seeing what it was. “One very large makeup kit,” she said as she placed it next to her, then pulled out the next thing, “one...very beautiful dress—” “Oh, that’s mine,” Fluttershy said as she trotted over to the dress and grabbed it. Twilight shook her head, then pulled out the next item. “One...string of balls—” “Ben-wa balls,” Rainbow Dash interjected, which was met by a raised eyebrow from Twilight. “Eh, me and Soarin’ like to get freaky sometimes.” Twilight shook her head, determined to keep her clinical manner. “Alright, next we have one dildo...followed by another dildo...followed by another dildo—you know what, let me just count out all the dildos in here,” Twilight then proceeded to pull out a large array of dildos. “Twenty dildos fully accounted for—” she started before an ethereal light blue glow grasped the largest one, which Twilight tugged back sharply. “What are you doing, Rarity!?” Rarity lazily shrugged. “A girl gets lonely.” “But with all these ponies here!?” Rarity drunkenly looked around, then giggled. “I hadn’t noticed them before.” Twilight facehooved. She then pulled out a buttplug, blushing as she did so. She then pulled out another, and another, until there were a pretty line of buttplugs in front of her. “Fourteen buttplugs...look, Fluttershy, did you just collect all of the sex toys in Rarity’s room?” Fluttershy nodded, blushing. “Well, Applejack said to collect anything suspicious, and that amount of sex toys made me very suspicious…” Twilight facehooved again, then lifted the box off of Big Macintosh’s back, levitated it to the center of the room, turned it upside down, and dumped the contents on the floor, leaving a variety of sex implements in the center of the room. Everypony raised an eyebrow as they recognized something that belonged to them. Pinkie pronked to the pile first, pulling out a ball gag. “I was wondering where this went!” she said as she pronked back to where she was standing. Applejack then went to the pile, pulling out a riding crop. “Caramel’s been wondering where this baby disappeared off to…” Big Mac’s eyes bulged out at that as he turned an even darker shade of red as Applejack returned to her spot next to Rarity. Fluttershy timidly approached the pile next, pulling out what appeared to be a tree costume, then returning back to where she was standing. Applejack stared at her confusedly. “What in the hay you have that fer?” Fluttershy turned a lovely shade of crimson. “Well, me and my secret special somepony like to roleplay…” at which Big Macintosh gulped. Rainbow Dash then flew to the pile, pulling out a strap-on dildo. “Soarin’ and I were wondering where you were!” she said as she returned to where she was standing. Twilight looked upon Rainbow Dash in wonder. “Why do you and Soarin’ have a strap-on dildo?” she asked. Rainbow Dash put on a smug face. “For pegging.” “Is this because you’re secretly gay?” Fluttershy asked before covering her mouth in shame. Rainbow Dash glared at Fluttershy. “You said you’d never tell anypony! And what I said was, ‘I think I might be a filly-fooler’. Totes different.” Twilight shook her head. “Look, I don’t think anypony here would be surprised by...did you just say totes?” Rainbow Dash nodded happily. “Yeah. It’s totes shway!” Twilight facehooved. “As a librarian and a Princess of Equestria, I am disgusted with the mangling of the Equuish language you’ve just perpetrated.” Pinkie shook her head. “Nuh-uh! Totes is totes a word!” “No, it’s not!” “It totes is!” Twilight was getting frustrated. “No, it’s not!” Pinkie shook her head. “It totes is!” Rage was boiling up in Twilight. “No, it’s not! Pinkie shook her head again. “It totes is!” Twilight was almost at her tipping point. “No, it’s not!” “It totes is!” upon which Pinkie stuck out her tongue at Twilight. That did it. In a flash, Twilight’s coat turned a brilliant white as she leapt in the air and her mane and tail turned into dancing flames as she screamed “No, it’s not! Totes in that context wasn’t, isn’t, and will never be a word!” She then fell back down into her chair, charred and exhausted while Pinkie stood on in shock. “I like totes,” Fluttershy said, “they’re so useful for carrying all sorts of things. I have a tote that has my cutie mark on it. I like it a lot.” “And that...is how...you use...totes...in a...proper...sentence,” Twilight said exhaustedly, leaning her head on her hoof. “By the way,” Fluttershy asked, “who does that cat-o-nine-tails belong to?” Twilight looked up to see the offending object as she quickly grasped it in her magic and threw it into the kitchen. “That’s...nopony’s!” “No, I believe that was yours, darling,” Rarity said drunkenly, “you said you got it so that you could pretend that Flash fellow from the Crystal Guard was whipping you while you—” “And that’s a great story, Rarity, but we don’t really have time for that now!” Twilight cut off, blushing. Twilight then fixed her gaze on Fluttershy. “So, you found nothing that could have caused Rarity’s intoxication?” Fluttershy nodded. “No. But Rarity must have had a terrible cough, because I found this bottle of cough medicine in the trash in her bathroom…” she said, pulling out said bottle from one of her saddlebags. Twilight peered at the bottle. “Let me see that,” Twilight said. “Um, ok,” Fluttershy said as Twilight grasped the bottle from Fluttershy and started examining it. “Well, this explains a lot.” “What is it, Twilight?” Applejack asked. “Dextromethorphan.” “What now?” “I suppose you can call it DXM. In small doses, it’s an effective antitussive, but in larger doses, it can create a myriad of effects, ranging from drunkenness, discoordination, dizziness, and disorientation, all the way to a clockwork-like walk, loss of appetite, involuntary flexing of muscles, and confusion...and at the highest of doses, disassociation of mind from body.” Applejack, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie shuddered at the thought while Rainbow Dash was trying her hardest to hold back giggles. Twilight glared at Rainbow Dash. “Do you know something about this?” “Well…” Rainbow Dash said, failing to stifle back her chortling, “Scootaloo asked what she should try to do next to get her cutie mark, and I suggested the three of them buy a bottle of cough syrup and chug the whole thing down!” she finished, as she landed on her haunches in laughter, Rarity giggling apropos of Rainbow Dash. Killing TimeApplejack and Big Mac swiveled their heads towards Rainbow Dash, both yelling, “You WHAT!?” Rainbow Dash, still laughing, said, “Yeah, I told her that they’d get their Cutie Marks in Psychedelic Exploration for sure!” Big Macintosh then stomped towards Rainbow Dash and lifted her up by the scruff of her neck, ending her laughter instantly. “Do you have any idea how idiotic that was? You have no idea of the proper dosage for a filly, and on top of that, you told Scootaloo! You know how she idolizes you! Now she’s going to tell everypony in her class that the ‘awesome’ Rainbow Dash told her that it was a good idea to drink cough medicine to get high!” Big Mac then shook his head. “Sometimes I wonder if you ever stop to think of the consequences of your actions…” Rainbow Dash, now sweating, said, “Hey, it’s not like I didn’t have a back-up plan…” Big Mac shot daggers at Rainbow Dash. “And what exactly was that, little missy?” Rainbow Dash pried herself out of Big Mac’s grip and dusted herself off. “Simple. If it got too intense, I’d just have Spike message Princess Luna to pull them out. Worked for me just fine…” Applejack facehooved. “First of all, that’s only a last resort. Secondly, ya came back wrong!” Rainbow Dash pouted. “Ya know, if it wasn’t for Fluttershy, I’d still think you were all gaslighting me.” “You know, I already told you all of that,” Rarity said, touching her hooves to her temples. “And when did you tell us that?” Twilight asked. Rarity smirked. “Just now. I told you that Sweetie Belle bought it on direction from Scootaloo.” “I don’t remember that! I mean, I know what you sound like, and I didn’t hear anything that sounded like you telling us that—” “Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie...I told you with my mind.” Pinkie nodded. “Ohhhhh…” Pinkie said, causing everypony present except for Pinkie and Rarity to facehoof. Big Mac then looked around. “And why does Rarity have all of your sex toys anyway?” he asked. Applejack shrugged. “I dunno. She just asked us for them, and bein’ good friends, we just lent them to her.” “And ya didn’t ask her why?” Pinkie shook her head. “No, silly stallion!” “And why not?” “Because that would be prying!” Big Mac facehooved. Mares. “So...what do we do now?” Fluttershy asked. Spike picked up his head from Rarity’s barrel. “Well, I sent a letter to the Princess, but she’s not going to be out of court for a while now.” “Besides,” Twilight interjected, “it should run out of her system naturally in about six hours.” Applejack looked around. “So, what do we do until then?” “YAHTZEE!” Pinkie shouted. Everypony except for Rarity groaned. “Jeez, Pinkie, how do you always get Yahtzee?” Rainbow Dash asked. Pinkie shook her head. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just good at it.” Twilight leaned her forehead on her hoof. “Pinkie, you can’t be good at Yahtzee.” Pinkie looked at Twilight. “Why not?” Twilight shook her head. “Because it’s a game of chance.” “So?” “A game of chance, by its very definition, precludes skill, relying on random number generation. So, therefore, you can’t be good at Yahtzee.” “Then why do I keep winning?” Twilight facehooved. “I don’t know. Let’s...just play another game.” Pinkie frowned. “Why?” “Because you keep winning at Yahtzee.” Pinkie shook her head. “I can’t keep winning.” Twilight sighed. “And why not?” “Because it’s a game of chance.” “Yes, I know that, but the evidence points to an upward trend of you winning.” “But that’s impossible.” Twilight shook her head in frustration. “Pinkie, you’re impossible.” Pinkie shook her head again. “How can I be impossible? I’m right here.” Twilight’s eyelids narrowed. “Yes, you are.” “So why did you say that I was impossible?” “Yeah, why did you say Pinkie was impossible?” Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight sighed frustratedly. “Call it a poor choice of words.” “Hey, girls,” Rarity said. “What, Rarity?” Applejack asked. “...a carriage is like a room with wheels.” Twilight’s eyes widened at that. “Yes, Rarity. Yes it is.” “...in fact, it’s exactly a room with wheels.” Twilight facehooved again. “Let’s just switch games.” “Alright, you come across a wall. What do you do?” Twilight asked the group. “Can I Magic Missile it?” “No, Pinkie, you cannot Magic Missile a wall.” Pinkie frowned. “Why not?” Twilight shook her head. “Because it’s a wall.” “So?” “So, Magic Missile does no damage to inanimate objects.” “I still wanna cast Magic Missile on the wall!” Twilight facehooved. “Fine. You cast Magic Missile on the wall. It does nothing.” Pinkie hair drooped the tiniest bit. “Awww…” Applejack tipped her hat. “I try an’ buck it.” Twilight nodded. “Alright Applejack, roll for success.” Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Why I gotta roll fer success? It’s a wall. It just sits there.” Twilight sighed. “You have to roll to see if you do any damage.” “Fine.” Applejack picked up the twenty sided die and shook it in her hooves, releasing it after five seconds. The die bounced across the floor and spun for a bit, finally revealing a one. Applejack cringed. “Is that bad?” Twilight nodded, then picked up a six sided die and rolled it, revealing a two. “You have failed so spectacularly that you sprained your ankle in the attempt, taking two points damage in the process.” Applejack crossed her forelegs. “Dumb wall.” “I’m gonna Sonic Rainboom it—” “—Rainbow Dash, please read your character sheet,” Twilight interjected. Rainbow Dash picked up her character sheet, carefully examining it. “What am I looking for?” “Do you see a skill called Sonic Rainboom anywhere on that sheet?” “Uh, no?” “Exactly. Your character cannot do a Sonic Rainboom.” Rainbow Dash groaned. “Ah’m gonna try an’ buck it.” “Alright Big Mac, roll for success.” Big Mac picked up the twenty sided die and rolled it, revealing a twenty. Big Mac looked up to Twilight, who was staring at the die in shock. “A natural twenty...hmm. Well, Big Mac, you’ve toppled over the wall and killed the goblins on the other side.” “Can I make friends with them!?” “No Pinkie, they’re dead.” “Then I search them for spells!” Twilight facehooved. “Spells don’t work that way, Pinkie.” “Why not?” “Because spells aren’t things.” Pinkie shook her head. “But they could have spellbooks!” Twilight frowned. “Why would goblins have spellbooks?” Pinkie shrugged. “Because they stole them from a wizard. Anyway, I search for spellbooks!” “You find no spellbooks.” Pinkie frowned. Fluttershy raised her hoof. “Can I skin them for their pelts?” Everypony stared at Fluttershy in shock. “I mean, they have to be worth something, right?” While the spellbinding game of Oubliettes and Ogres was taking place, Spike was busy nuzzling Rarity’s barrel, listening to the sound of her breath, feeling her rapid heartbeat under his head. “Hey, Rarity, are you gonna be okay?” Spike looked up to see that Rarity appeared to be staring into space. “Rarity?” Spike said as he waved his claw in front of Rarity’s face, garnering no response. “Uh, girls, she’s not responding.” Everypony except for Twilight turned their heads. “Oh, she must be having an out of body experience. That’s par for the course.” Everypony then turned back to the game. Spike nuzzled his head back on Rarity’s barrel. “Rarity, I don’t know if you can hear me right now...but I hope you’re okay. When you get out of this, I’m gonna help you find so many gemstones.” Spike raised his head to check back on Rarity, but what he saw shocked him to his core. Her corneas were a bold green with smoke billowing from them, and her horn was turning red and curving wickedly. A strange voice that was both male and female came out of her mouth, causing everypony’s heads to turn towards Rarity. “Begone!” Rarity commanded, upon which Spike was raised in a black glow as tens of thousands of volts of electricity ran through Spike’s body at that point, causing him to vibrate mid-air, then pass out. Rarity then slammed Spike roughly against a bookshelf and let him drop, his body sprawled across the floor as several books dropped onto him. “Ponyfeathers,” Applejack said. Battle RoyaleAuthor's Note Ok, before anybody asks questions. Caltrops=Buttplugs Unicorn bolt or bolt=Dildo Bolas=Ben-Wa balls. And the credits for the song included, One Trick Pony, go to MicTheMicrophone, JackleApp, and LivingTombstone. Battle Royale Everypony stared in shock at the grievous act of violence Rarity had just committed. That, and her eyes, which were green outside blue and leaking smoke, as well as her horn, which was now a wickedly curved red. She shook her head and rolled off the couch, landing on her hooves, everypony backing away as she did so. She then traced her eyes across everypony present, finally fixing her gaze on Twilight. Twilight blushed and teleported away. Sombra snorted, then pawed at the ground, aching for a fight. He noticed the caltrops and unicorn bolts strewn across the ground, as well as a riding crop, a gag, and a bolas. The ponies responded in kind by pawing at the ground as well, except for the pretty yellow one, who was cowering in a corner, and the pink one, who was smiling like an idiot. He was ready for this battle. “WAIIIIIT!” the pink one yelled. Sombra then traced her motions as she pronked over to the record player, popped in a record, and put the needle down, when a song started playing. Pink then hopped back over to her friends. “Ok, ready!” Sombra crouched as the ponies attacked. He grabbed the caltrops with Rarity’s magic and threw them across the ground, upon which the red one stepped on one and skidded in its tracks. The orange one and the pink one, though, handily dodged them, Orange stepping to the side of the spray while Pink somehow managed to dance in between them. Blue was flying over as Sombra grasped the riding crop in Rarity’s magic. He waited for the three ponies to get into position, then faced away from them and struck, her mane flailing about. He bucked Orange in the face, causing her to reel, whipped Pink with Rarity's tail in the throat, causing her to gag, and whipped Blue in the gut with the riding crop, causing her to stop in her tracks. He then landed the buck and bucked upwards, catching Blue in the face, whipping Pink on the rump with the riding crop, and whipping Orange in the barrel with her tail. The three of them collapsed on the ground, gasping for air. Sombra landed the buck, her mane landing gracefully by her sides. Red had managed to extricate the caltrop from his hoof and charged towards Sombra and screamed. Sombra picked up a bolt while spinning it at a high velocity at the same time. Right when Red was about to strike, Sombra whipped Red in the face with her tail, causing him to stagger. He then bucked him in the barrel, knocking him over. He then drilled the bolt straight into his shoulder causing Red to suck in in pain as the bolt pierced his flesh, spraying chunks of wood upon impact with the floor. The three girls, now recovered, regrouped and attacked Sombra again. Sombra let an evil smirk dance upon Rarity’s face as he grabbed the bolas with her magic and threw it at Pink’s hocks, catching them and effectively hogtying her. He then whipped Orange and Blue in the face, the former with the crop, the latter with her tail, causing them to both stagger back. He then lifted up two bolts and started spinning them. Orange shook her head and looked up just in time to see a bolt drill through her shoulder and knock her back to the wall, spitting bits of wood as it made contact with the wall. He tried to drill another bolt at Blue, but she dodged just in time. Frowning, Sombra picked up three bolts and spun them viciously as the rainbow blur flew towards her. Sombra flung two bolts at Blue, her dodging as expected straight into the riding crop to the face. Blue’s head was turned, and in that instant, Sombra shot the spiraling bolt straight into Blue’s cheeks, piercing straight through as she was launched into a bookcase. She hung off of the bolt by her new piercing, not making a sound by virtue of apparently passing out from shock. Twilight was shuffling through her kitchen drawers, a vial of Solar Water on the counter. Where did I put my aspergillum? She finally found it after two minutes of searching, a silver stick that had a silver ball with holes in it attached to the top. Smiling, she unscrewed the top half of the ball, carefully pouring the Solar Water inside of it, meticulously screwing the top back on. Smiling, she picked up the cat-o-nine-tails and strode into the main area. Sombra turned her head when he heard a cracking sound, seeing Red rip his shoulder out of the ground with the bolt still impaled within, slivers of wood streaming through the air. He then fixed a vicious glare at Sombra and charged forward. Sombra, thinking fast, spun around, waiting to strike. When Red was in striking range, he bucked at the bolt as he picked up six other bolts and spiraled them maliciously, looking back to see Red wince in pain. Red shook his head and purposefully stomped towards Sombra. Sombra, not taking any chances, fired each bolt in turn at Red. Upon impact from each blow, Red slowed a bit, more and more with each fired bolt, the last one piercing his hoof as he rose it to strike Sombra. Red’s features screwed up in pain as the keratin on his hoof shattered, finally collapsing on the floor. Sombra snorted and turned away, only to be met with a swift kick to the face from Orange, who similarly had a bolt stuck in her shoulder. It sent Rarity’s body flying through the air, her mane whipping about her face. Sombra shook her head and grasped three bolts mid-air, spinning and firing them at Orange, piercing her other shoulder and both of her thighs to the ground as she let out a yowl of pain, Sombra landing shortly after, her mane settling. Sombra turned to the only pony mobile to see if she was still sniveling. He was surprised to see a resolute look on her face and an untamed glare in her eye as she spread her wings. “Nopony hurts my friends and gets away with it!” Yellow cried out as she rushed towards Sombra. Sombra rolled her eyes, picked up a bolt, spun it, and fired it at Yellow’s right wing. She flew back and hit the wall, hitting her head upon impact, knocking herself out. Sombra grinned depravedly at the scene before him: Red collapsed on the floor with seven bolts sticking out of him with Orange pinned to the floor by four bolts. Blue was unconscious, hanging off of the bookshelf by her mouth with Yellow similarly inert, her wing pinned to the wall. He then looked upon Pink, who was frowning at him. “Hey!” Pink yelled, “Why didn’t I get impaled by a—UGHHHUGHHHUGHH!” she started before Sombra plugged her mouth with the gag. He then glared about the room, then plucked the three bolts out of the wall and picked up the three left over, spinning them as he pointed them at the ponies’ and dragon’s heads. He then cringed as cold water touched his form, turning to see Twilight Sparkle shaking an aspergillum at him while grasping a cat-o-nine-tails in her magic, sprinkling Rarity’s body with water while chanting, “The power of Celestia compels you! The power of Celestia compels you!” Sombra, clearly frustrated now, ripped the aspergillum from her grip and started vigorously shaking the aspergillum at Twilight, watching her cringe as she, too, was sprinkled with the water. Twilight then ripped the aspergillum from Rarity’s grip, frowning. “Okay, I get it; it’s really annoying. But I don’t understand,” Twilight said, scratching her head with the asperg, “you should be expelled by now. Aren’t you a possessing spirit?” Sombra shook Rarity’s head. Twilight stared at Sombra. “Then what are you doing in Rarity’s body?” “Borrowing,” Rarity said in a mixture of Rarity’s and Sombra’s voices. “Huh…” Twilight said, looking at the carnage across her room, “then it appears we are at an impasse.” Sombra curtly nodded Rarity’s head. “Indeed.” Impasses Are So PasséTwilight stared in horror at the malicious violence that Sombra had caused, then shook her head. She didn’t have time to grieve for her friends’ injuries right now. “So...what should we call you?” she asked as she moved behind the library desk, sitting down. Rarity kept her eye trained on Twilight. Guess he’s not much of a talker. Sighing, she said, “Well, since you’re being so helpful, I’ll suggest a name. How about Sombrarity?” Rarity raised an eyebrow. “You see, it combines both of your names. I motion that we call you Sombraity. Do I have a second?” “MMMM-MMMPH!” Pinkie strangled out. “All those in favor?” Twilight asked, raising a hoof. Pinkie flipped on her back, raising her hooves in the air. “All those opposed?” Sombrarity raised a hoof. “Well then, with two for and one against, motion passed. Welcome to my library, Sombrarity.” Sombrarity grunted in derision. “By the way, Sombrarity, how did you get the dildos to penetrate?” Sombrarity raised an eyebrow at Twilight. “The sex toys.” “Elucidate.” Twilight peered at Sombrarity quizzically, then turned a deep shade of crimson as she realized what he(she?)was asking. She steepled her hooves in front of her face, then said, “Huh...I guess they didn’t really have sex toys in your time...well, how do I put this most efficiently?” Twilight looked down, then put her hooves on the desk, then looked up. “They’re...devices designed to relieve...sexual tension in a mare.” Sombrarity stared confusedly at Twilight, looked back at the dildos, then turned scarlet as it hit him. Twilight looked away, then turned back to Sombrarity. “Well, now that that’s out of the way, how did you get them to penetrate?” Sombrarity, now in his element, floated the dildo he had aimed at Spike’s head over, spun it in front of Twilight, then launched it at the wall as Twilight watched in wonder as it stuck into the wall. Sombrarity then yanked it out of the wall and floated it back to Spike’s head. “Hmm...interesting. I suppose that the spinning would increase the penetrative power.” Sombrarity shook her head, which Twilight raised an eyebrow at. “Then why do you spin them?” “Stability.” “Stability? I guess that would apply over longer ranges, but we’re talking close-range combat here.” Sombrarity shrugged. Twilight frowned. “I guess I can’t expect you to cooperate...so, how did you come about, um, ‘borrowing’ Rarity?” Sombrarity grinned malevolently. “Crystals.” “Crystals?” Twilight asked. Sombrarity motioned to the papers in front of Twilight. “Oh, you want to see my papers? Go ahead!” she said with a smile. Sombrarity grasped the papers and a quill with her magic and brought them over to her. She shuffled through them, then underlined a passage and handed them back to Twilight along with the quill. Twilight picked up the paper that Sombrarity had underlined and read the passage. Dextromethorphan in its natural state is a crystalline structure. Huh? Dextromethorphan in its natural state is a crystalline structure. Twilight looked up at Sombrarity with an incredulous look on her face. “You’re kidding.” Sombrarity shook her head, then produced a paper with her magic and levitated it over to Twilight. Twilight grasped it with her magic and studied it. She pored over it for a few minutes, then looked up at Sombrarity. “I don’t get it. This is just the chemical structure for Dextromethorphan. What am I looking at here?” Sombrarity shook her head, grasped a quill in her magic, and circled a certain part of the chemical, upon which Twilight’s eyes widened. “Oh, Celestia...this is a Soulcatcher Crystal! But somehow you’ve managed to attune this to your own soul...but you wouldn’t have been able to do this in your current form, or even in your shadow form, which means…” Twilight looked up at Sombrarity with a newfound respect. “Well, you certainly know how to plan ahead, I know that much...but this is insane! How would you even have this knowledge of chemistry a thousand years ago?” Twilight shook her head. “Something doesn’t add up…” she said. Sombrarity nodded. “Friend.” Twilight stared at Sombrarity, not knowing what to to make of that. “Who would make friends with you?” Something then hit her. “Starswirl.” Sombrarity shook her head. “Time traveler?” Sombrarity nodded. “Hypothetically.” “Hypothetically? What does that even mean, ‘hypothetically’? How is one hypothetically a time traveler?” Sombrarity, however, refused to respond. Instead, he tried to impale all of Twilight’s friends’ heads, which Twilight was prepared for, for she trapped all of the dildos with her magic, along with Sombrarity. What she failed to catch, however, was the buttplug that now sailed towards her horn, pinging it quite viciously, causing her to drop her hold and rub her horn dizzily. Sombrarity took this chance to escape the library. After recovering from the blow, she sat there and thought for a second. Where would Sombra go at a time like this? Rarity’s, perhaps? No, that doesn’t make a lick of sense. It then hit her in the head like a sack of potatoes. The pharmacy! Twilight stood up and looked at her options of who to take with her and cringed. She had momentarily forgotten about the display of utter brutality that Sombrarity had displayed, leaving only Pinkie intact, being bound and gagged. Sighing, she tried to undo the ball gag that was wrapped in Pinkie’s mouth, only to find that her magic wasn’t quite working yet. Shaking her head, she trotted up to Pinkie Pie and fumbled with the clasp in her hooves. I will never understand how earth ponies get along with just hooves. She finally got the clasp undone, leaving the ball gag to drop to the floor. Pinkie took a large gasp of air. “Oh Twilight thank you I thought I was a goner when Sombrarity bound me up but you saved me from that super-duper meanie and could you please untie my legs and save all of our friends?” Twilight nodded and untangled Pinkie Pie’s legs, letting her stand up and stretch them. “So you gonna save everypony else?” Twilight shook her head. “I can’t. My magic isn’t working right now, and with no way to cauterize their wounds, I’ll have no way to stop the blood flow when I remove the...dildos.” Twilight then trotted up to Applejack and looked down at her, Applejack looking up hazily. “Listen, Applejack, I’m coming back for you. I’m coming back for all of you. I just need to catch Sombrarity, ok?” Applejack weakly nodded, then twitched her head up. Twilight lowered her ear to Applejack’s mouth. “Give 'em a good whuppin' for me, ya hear?” Applejack whispered into Twilight's ear. Twilight giggled and lifted her head back up. “I will, don’t you worry.” Twilight then looked over to Pinkie Pie and nodded towards the door. “Pinkie Pie, we’re going to the pharmacy.” Pinkie looked at Twilight with a confused look on her face. “Why?” Twilight shook her head. “No time. I’ll explain on the way.” With that, Twilight Sparkle galloped out the door, Pinkie Pie shrugging and following in her wake. Pharmacy RaceSombrarity was dashing through the streets of Ponyville, scanning for the apothecary. He unfortunately could not find it anywhere. He then came across a building that had a sign with a pill on it over the door. Smiling, he trotted in. “So, where are we going again, Twilight?” Pinkie asked, galloping beside Twilight. “We’re going to the pharmacy, Pinkie.” “Why?” “Because Sombrarity’s going to try and drink more dextromethorphan.” “Why?” “Because his out of body time is almost running out and he wants more time inside Rarity.” “Why?” Twilight stopped in her tracks, Pinkie sliding to a stop next to her. “Which one, the first or the second?” “The first,” Pinkie said, smiling. Twilight shook her head and started galloping again, Pinkie keeping up pace. “Because the dextromethorphan had almost left Rarity's system.” “How do you know that?” “Because I was counting on it.” “How?” “Didn’t you wonder why I was talking to him?” “I thought you were trying to make friends.” Twilight shook her head in frustration. “Pinkie, one does not simply make friends with an evil overlord.” “I thought you were going for a Code Discord!” “A Code Discord wouldn’t work on Sombra.” “Why?” “Because Discord wasn’t really evil to begin with.” “Then what would you call what he did to us?” “Being a complete and utter dick.” “Ohhhh...but wasn’t Sombrarity being a dick, too?” Twilight shook her head. “No, he was trying to kill you. Discord never actively hurt any of us.” Pinkie thought on that for a second. “Sombrarity wasn’t trying to kill us.” Twilight looked back. “What do you mean, ‘he wasn’t trying to kill you?’ I saw the dildos sticking out of you all. In fact, he had dildos trained on all of your heads before he bolted through the door!” Pinkie shook her head. “Twilight, Twilight, Twilight...you didn’t see him fight. His movements were perfect and his aim was legendary. He could have killed us at any time. So why do you suppose he didn’t?” Twilight thought on that for a second. “Maybe he was just toying with you?” Pinkie shook her head again. Twilight looked back, to see an uncharacteristically grim look on Pinkie’s face. “I heard you describe your trials in securing the Crystal Heart. Sombra doesn’t toy around. Maybe this is all part of his master plan.” Twilight thought on that for a second. What if Pinkie Pie was right? Sombrarity entered the apothecary and was stunned by the sheer amount of products inside of it. It seemed to him more of a general market than anything else. He walked around, scanning the aisles for cough medicine, only he didn’t find any in this aisle. He was looking at granola bars, orange juice concentrate, and cereal with cartoonish mascots on it. Curious, he lifted the cereal off of the shelf and scanned the box. There was a picture of a cartoon Cadance on the front, holding a spoon in her magic, and if he wasn’t mistaken, the cereal appeared to be some sort of grain along with heart-shaped marshmallows. Sombrarity growled at the cover, looking at the name: Lovely Charms. Sombrarity facehooved as he put the box back in its place. He then decided to do what he should have done in the first place, as opposed to wandering around like a commoner. He looked up to the signs above the aisles, scanning for cough medicine. He found the aisle and trotted towards it, trotting down until he found the myriad cough products. He picked up one, scanned the active ingredients, then put it back deciding he’d try to avoid destroying this vessel’s liver. He picked up another box, scanning for the ingredients, then put it back. Vomiting was against his desires. He then picked up a third box, and pleased with the contents walked up to the register, frowning when a purple mare with a striped pink-and-white mane was blocking him with what appeared to be a rather large cart of items. On top of that, the cashier didn’t appear to be more than sixteen and was fumbling with the items. The purple pony was tapping her hoof impatiently, looking around, smiling when she laid her eyes on Sombrarity. “Hey, Rarity,” she said to Sombrarity, “I didn’t know you shopped here! So, what brings you here today?” Sombrarity looked around, sweating. “Nothing.” Cheerilee stared at Sombrarity. “It doesn’t sound like nothing. In fact, it sounds like you have a terrible cold!” Cheerilee then spotted the bottle of cough medicine that Sombrarity was holding and giggled. “I guess that would explain that, then. Would you like to hear how Sweetie Belle’s doing in school?” “O...kay…” Cheerilee nodded. “Well, I don’t know if she told you, but right now we’re on our algebraic topology unit. Do you know what that is?” Sombrarity shook her head. “I guessed that you wouldn’t. Isn’t it amazing what they’re teaching our children today? Well, anyway, algebraic topology is a branch of mathematics that uses tools from abstract algebra to study topological spaces. You with me so far?” Sombrarity uneasily nodded her head. “Well, anyway, the basic goal is to find algebraic invariants that classify topological spaces up to homeomorphism…” Sombarity facehooved. This line was getting rather long, and for all the wrong reasons. Twilight and Pinkie crashed through the doors of the pharmacy, looking around for Sombrarity when they bumped into Cheerilee. “Hey, girls. What are you doing here?” Twilight grabbed Cheerilee’s shoulders in her hooves. “Did you see Rarity?” Cheerilee giggled. “Why yes, she’s at the counter. I was just explaining algebraic topology to her.” Twilight smiled in glee. "Were you discussing homology?" Cheerilee shook her head. "No, knot theory." Twilight went to continue this conversation then shook her head and shoved Pinkie Pie in front of Cheerilee. “Run interference!” Pinkie nodded, leaving Twilight to canter towards the counter, where Sombrarity was making his purchase. Twilight grasped the box of cough syrup in her magic, upon which Sombrarity grasped it back. Twilight tried to tug on it only to find that Sombrarity’s grip wasn’t loosening. Twilight kept tugging, unable to make any headway. An idea came to her. She crushed the box and bottle in her magic, watching its contents drip to and dissolve into the floor. Sombrarity glared at Twilight, then made a mad dash towards the cough medicine aisle. Twilight was one step ahead of him, however, as she strained, picking up the entire shelf in her magic, then proceeded to crumple up the entire thing into a neat cube, Sombrarity looking on in horror. Sombrarity then looked upon Twilight with a face that she had never seen on Rarity before:apoplexy. Sombrarity then levitated fifteen pairs of scissors in front of her and opened them. “Die,” she said calmly before fifteen pairs of scissors flew straight towards Twilight Sparkle. It Ends?Twilight quickly teleported out of the way of the scissors into an aisle and laid low. She heard Sombrarity grunt in disdain and start prowling around. Twilight looked around to see that she was in the cosmetics section, which gave her an idea. She quickly grasped one of the compacts with her magic and slowly inched over to the edge of the aisle and opened the compact, revealing the mirror inside. She slowly moved the mirror out past the edge of the aisle and looked in it to find Sombrarity nowhere. She sighed in relief, then the compact was knocked out of her magic by a plastic shovel, causing her to leap in shock. She then inhaled and exhaled and cast a thermal imaging spell, letting her see the form of Sombrarity through the shelves. She could see her coming up on her. She teleported to another aisle, seeing the form of Sombrarity look around in confusion. Twilight then slowly picked up a can of soda and tapped her hoof sharply against the ground, Sombrarity popped out of the aisle she was in, giving Twilight the chance to lob the can of soda at Sombrairty. Sombrarity quickly caught it and flung it back, Twilight teleporting into another aisle across the store. Twilight could see Sombrarity look down each aisle, sneaking around, coming across Pinkie and Cheerilee. Cheerilee screamed, causing Pinkie to shove her out of the store and face down Sombrarity herself. Sombrarity picked up a jar of pickles and threw it at Pinkie, who popped out of existence and popped in down an aisle behind Sombrarity, holding her hooves to the side of her head and blowing a raspberry at Sombrarity. Sombrarity stomped her hooves in frustration and picked up another jar of pickles and rocketed it towards Pinkie Pie, who popped out of existence again, reappearing an aisle behind Sombrarity. Sombrarity then grasped Pinkie’s mane with her magic and plummeted her to the floor, dragging her to Sombrarity’s hooves. Sombrarity lifted a hoof, which is when Twilight teleported behind Sombrarity and pinged her horn with her hoof, causing Sombrarity to drop Pinkie. Sombrarity then whipped Twilight’s throat with her tail, which made Twilight stagger. She then dropped her head down and charged Twilight, who teleported behind Sombrarity, picked up a jar of pickles, and flung them at Sombrarity. He bucked back and shattered the jar of pickles, leaving pickle juice stained everywhere. Twilight then bit her lower lip. “Sorry, Rarity.” Sombrarity started to charge when four simultaneous snaps were heard as Sombrarity’s legs crumpled beneath her. Twilight trotted up to her with a worried look on her face. “Any last words, Sombra?” Sombrarity gave Twilight a vicious glare and spat in Twilight’s face. “Fuck you.” Twilight shook her head. “Well, that’s the most you’ve said this entire time, so I’ll consider it a success.” Twilight’s horn lit up, then she sang. Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to lay your sleepy head Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to go to bed Drifting off to sleep, leave the day behind you Drifting off to sleep, let the joy of dreamland find you Hush now, quiet now, lay your sleepy head Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to go to bed Sombrarity tried to crawl over to Twilight on her mangled legs, but was impeded by the magical lullaby she was being sung as sleep overtook her. Twilight them picked her up in her magic and turned to Pinkie Pie. “Let’s go back to the library.” Pinkie nodded and followed Twilight out of the pharmacy. Rarity opened her eyes to see all of her friends and both Princesses standing over her. She looked around, confused. “Where am I and why are you all staring at me?” Princess Celestia spoke first. “We came as quick as we could...we’re sorry.” “Sorry? Sorry for what?” “You appear to have been borrowed by Sombra for an hour,” Luna said, “and in that time you and your friends were all royally fucked.” Applejack facehooved. “Will ya stop sayin’ that? You’ve said that like fifteen times already! Jus’ because we were all stabbed with dildos doesn’t mean we were royally fucked!” Rarity looked around. “Stabbed with...dildos?” Rarity said before her pupils turned to pinpricks. “Wait, I can explain!” Princess Celestia shook her head and giggled. “No need, Rarity. We all have needs. But you may want to take a look at this,” she said, lifting up a compact mirror and handing it to Rarity, who grasped it in her unusually strong magic. She lifted it up to her face to find a sliver of red at the top. Curious, she titled the mirror up to find a vicious red horn atop her head. Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo were drawing in the clubhouse when they heard a vicious scream. Apple Bloom raised her head. “What was that?” she asked. Sweetie Belle shook her head. “It’s just my sister. She probably chipped a hoof or something.” Apple Bloom stared at Sweetie Belle, then went back to drawing. “I’m uh-huh-huh-huh-gly!” Fluttershy stroked Rarity’s mane. “You’re never ugly. You’re beautiful.” “Eeyup,” Big Macintosh said. “But how did this happen?” Rarity asked between tears. “Well,” Twilight said, “when the princesses came, they healed all of the injuries that you caused when ‘borrowed’ by Sombra. But your new horn isn’t an injury. It’s a permanent side effect of the ‘borrowing’ process.” “But how am I supposed to go outside like this?” Pinkie giggled. “I think it looks great!” Rarity glared at Pinkie Pie. “Of course you would, darling.” “There’s just one thing that bugs me,” Rainbow Dash said, “you kept muttering ‘Red Umbra’ when you were out. Do you know anything about that?” Rarity looked at Rainbow Dash, confused. “No, I can’t say I do…” Twilight looked at her confusedly. “You sure?” Rarity glared at Twilight. “Yes, I’m sure, now let me wallow in self-pity!” Pinkie dashed up to Rarity and hugged her. “No can do, Rarity! I’m gonna hug you until you love your new horn!” Smiling, Princess Celestia shook her head. “Well, everything seems to be in order here, Luna. Shall we take our leave?” Princess Luna nodded. “We shall. They seem to be managing just fine.” With that, they teleported out of the room. Twilight went back to her desk and started shuffling through her papers. “Well, now that that’s done with, I suggest everypony leave so that Rarity can get some rest.” Everypony nodded and left the library. “You know, Rarity, you should be thankful for that horn.” Rarity glared at Twilight. “Why should I be thankful for this dreadful thing?” “Well, if my calculations are correct, it appears to have increased your magic by a hundred-fold. You’re easily half as powerful as me now.” Rarity stared at the ceiling. “Huh. I still think it looks dreadfully tacky.” Twilight giggled. “Well, you can’t have you cake and eat it, too.” Rarity giggled. “A shame. It would be so tasty right about now...” Rarity sighed. “What do you think that ‘Red Umbra' nonsense I was prattling on about was about?” Twilight shook her head. “I have no idea. I’ll have to do some research on that…” Rarity kept staring at the ceiling. “You do that, Twilight…” A crimson pegasus with a black mane was sitting at a writing desk taking some notes when she heard a voice pass through her mind. “Success, Red Umbra.” Red Umbra smiled and checked off a box on another piece of paper. “Very good. Phase one is complete.”
It BeginsRarity was busy stitching a dress for Fluttershy when she heard the soft ringing of a bell. She turned her head to see Sweetie Belle enter, then turned back to the dress. “Hello, Sweetie Belle,” Rarity said as Sweetie Belle dropped her saddlebags off at the door. “Hey, Rarity,” her sister said, trotting up to Rarity, “is there anything I can help you with today?” Rarity smiled at the offer her younger sister had given her, then shook her head. “No, that’s quite alright, but thank you for offering.” Sweetie nodded and quickly went upstairs. Rarity kept her stitching up when she noticed that Sweetie Belle had left her saddlebags at the door. She put her needle down and trotted over to the bags. “Hey, Sweetie Belle, you forgot your—” and stopped when she noticed that one of the bags was open. Rarity started sweating. She had promised that she wouldn’t go snooping through her stuff anymore, but who was to say that what she saw when the bag accidentally tipped over wasn’t fair game? Sighing, she gently tipped over the bags, and was promptly shocked by what she had discovered tumbling out of it. In addition to Sweetie’s schoolbooks and random fric-a-frac was what appeared to be a box of medicine. Interested, she picked it up in her magic and examined it. Now why would Sweetie Belle have a bottle of cough medicine in her things? A steady stream of newspaper articles slowly sank into her head about the dangers of ‘Robotripping’, or drinking excessive amounts of cough syrup in order to get intoxicated. Rarity’s features slowly morphed from confusion into rage as she stomped upstairs and slammed the guest room door open, where Sweetie Belle turned from brushing one of her dolls. A tear formed in Rarity’s eye at the expression of innocence before her, then shook her head. “Sweetie Belle!” Rarity shouted. Sweetie Belle smiled. “Yes, Rarity?” Rarity revealed the bottle of cough medicine, upon which Sweetie Belle’s smile turned into an expression of fear. “Wait, Rarity, I can explain!” Rarity scoffed. “How do you intend on explaining this away?” she said, dangling the box of medicine in front of her. Sweetie Belle gulped. “Um...bad cough?” Sweetie tried, creating an obviously fake hacking sound while covering her mouth with her hoof. Rarity stomped, upon which Sweetie jumped, her cough being magically cured. “Don’t try and pull the wool over my eyes, Sweetie Belle. Especially somepony that knows quite a bit about wool.” Sweetie Belle hung her head low, tears forming in her eyes. “Well, what do you want me to say?” Rarity shook her head.“The truth.” Sweetie Belle opened her mouth, shut it, then said, “I wasn’t gonna drink the whole thing! Me, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo were gonna share it!” Rarity gasped in horror. “You mean you got your friends into this!?” Sweetie Belle let out a nervous grin. “Well, it was Scootaloo’s idea. She thought we could get our Cutie Marks in Psychedelic Exploration!” “Getting your Cutie Marks in...did you say Psychedelic Exploration?” Rarity then shook her head, shocked at what she had just said. “No! I will not have my baby sister doing drugs!” “But they sell it over the counter at the pharmacy! How dangerous could it be?” Rarity huffed. “Not so dangerous, eh? Didn’t you hear about little Pipsqueak’s overdose?” Sweetie Belle shook her head. “That wasn’t an overdose! He took the wrong kind! If you look at the active ingredients, that only has one!” Rarity, unsure of what her sister was saying, looked at the back of the box. True to Sweetie Belle’s pleadings, there was only one active ingredient in the concoction. Maybe she does know what she’s...no! “Sweetie Belle, no! I simply can’t allow you to do drugs, especially when you’re staying at my place of residence!” Rarity then took a breath and continued. “What if something were to happen to you? Then I’d have to explain to Mom and Dad what you were doing. You wouldn’t like that very much, now would you? Imagine the distress they’d go through, not to mention me!” Sweetie Belle hung her head low. “...I suppose you’re right, Rarity.” She then looked up to her sister. “I’m sorry, Rarity. I was being selfish.” Rarity grinned and moved in to hug her sister, which Sweetie Belle returned happily. “Well, as long as you understand. I just worry about you, and seeing this in your saddlebag made me fear that you were growing up too fast.” Sweetie Belle nuzzled her sister’s barrel. “Now why would you do such a thing in the first place? You don’t really strike me as the type to do this sort of thing, even with the promise of a Cutie Mark.” Sweetie Belle looked up into her sister’s eyes. “Well, Scootaloo said that she heard from Rumble that Snips told him that it felt really good.” Rarity let out a warm chuckle and rubbed her sister’s head. “Sweetie Belle, Sweetie Belle, Sweetie Belle...There are many ways to feel good. Eating ice cream, hanging out with friends, catching the eyes of boys…” “RARITY!” Sweetie Belle squeaked, her cheeks reddening. Rarity giggled at her sister’s reaction. She’d understand someday that boys weren’t full of cooties. Rarity then disengaged from Sweetie Belle. “Well, now that we’ve had this chat, I’m going into the bathroom to dump this dreadful stuff down the drain. You go out and play with your friends.” Sweetie Belle nodded. “OK, Rarity!” Rarity watched as Sweetie Belle bounded out the door, hearing her hoofsteps down the stairs, finally hearing the bell of her boutique ring as she left. Rarity chuckled, then trotted towards her bathroom and shut the door, opening the box with her magic and throwing it away. What was left was an eight ounce bottle of a thick liquid. She stared at it, twirling it in her magic. Psychedelic Exploration? She fumbled with the child-safety cap on the bottle. They should really call it an earth-pony safety cap, she thought to herself as she finally popped the top open, throwing it in the trash along with the box. She went to pour it down the drain, when a thought crossed her mind. So they say it makes you feel really good… She twirled the bottle around in her magic examining it. Well, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to see what all the fuss is all about. But how much should I drink? Well, if the three of them were going to split it, I suppose I should drink the whole thing. She hesitantly brought the bottle to her lips, pulling it away almost instantly when the horrid smell of the concoction touched her olfactory nerve, causing her to gag and retch. She then shook her head and steeled herself. Come on, if a bunch of kids can drink this, you can too, Rarity! She then pinched her nostrils shut as she brought the bottle to her lips again and started drinking it. It was all she could do to not spit it up. It tasted like liquid sick mixed with fungus! She drank the entire contents, sweating all the while. Finally, she pulled the bottle away from her lips as she was done, bending over and taking exaggerated gasps as her entire body seemed to protest against the disgusting gunk she had just swallowed. Finally, she rose up, threw away the bottle, and grasped a glass in her magic. She held it underneath the faucet as she turned it on, exhaling ragged breaths at the miserable concoction she had just ingested, downing the water quickly as the glass filled up, turning off the faucet. She then put the glass down, inhaled, then exhaled, and opened the bathroom door, heading back downstairs to continue work on Fluttershy’s dress. This had better be worth it, she thought to herself as she shuddered at the cold gooeyness that disgustingly sloshed inside of her stomach.
Bass CannonRarity smiled as she finished the final stitches on Fluttershy’s new dress, which was orange around the barrel and had a purple train, satisfied with her work. She decided to celebrate by listening to some music. Knowing where the record player was by heart, she dizzily scuffled over to the box of vinyl records she kept and flipped through them. Let’s see here...Horns’N’Roses, no...Primitus, no...Rage Against Trixie!? Heavens no! She was checking through all of her records until one caught her eye:Wubadubdub, Motha*****S!!!! by Vinyl Scratch. Rarity lifted it up in her magic, drunkenly examining it. Pinkie Pie had gotten it for her as what was presumably a joke, for she didn’t think much of this ‘dubstep’ and she found the title most inappropriate. However, it’s the only record I haven’t listened to yet….and it seems to be calling my name. Sighing, she lifted the needle on the record player, slipped the record out of the folder, placed the record on the player, and rested the needle on the record. She then turned the record player on. Rarity started tapping her hoof to the electronic noises coming out of the record player. Hmmm, not bad. Maybe it’ll sound better louder, though? Rarity tried to access the volume knob with her magic when to her frustration she found that she was vexed by its location. Rarity sighed and stumbled over to the record player. Makes sense. I usually never really use it except for ambient noise. She made it to the record player, which seemed to take a bit longer than it usually did, and located the volume knob, which was set to three. She studied it, noticing that it went up pretty high, stopping at eleven. Rarity mused on the knob for a bit. Should I really turn it up that high? Confused, she reached for the folder that the record was previously located in and read the back. Most of it was writer credits and publishing information, but there were also a loud-looking recommendation across the bottom that read: For best results, play it all the way to eleven! Rarity put the folder back in the record box, shrugged, and twisted the volume knob all the way to eleven with her hoof. The effects were felt immediately as the ensuing aural assault blasted her perfectly styled coiffure and tail straight back, causing them to pulse with the rhythmic bass. The sheer magnitude of the audile attack on herself scrambled her mind and seared all the way through her soul, touching her very being as a smile danced across her face. The pulsing wubs had an effect on her body, causing it to harmoniously sway along with the music. Yes, I do find why this dubstep is so enjoyable. Applejack was trotting to Carousel Boutique, bothered by the loud music somepony was blasting, causing Applejack to shake her head in dismay. Must be onnea tha neighbor kids...or probably Lyra. So she was surprised to find the source to be Carousel Boutique, outside of which she found a shivering Fluttershy. Applejack waved to Fluttershy and headed over. “Hey, Fluttershy! What’re you doing here?” she asked. Fluttershy gulped. “Well, Rarity was stitching me a new dress, and we were going to the spa afterwards—” Applejack chuckled. “Whaddaya know, that’s why I’m here too! Rarity done convinced me to go the the spa with her. Said it’d help with ma cracked hooves…” she said as she stared down at her hooves, which were cracked from long days of working. “So what’re ya doing out here?” Fluttershy shook her head. “It’s too loud in there for me to go in.” Applejack chuckled. “Now, now, Fluttershy, this is Rares we’re talkin’ about! How loud could it be?” she said as she opened the door to Carousel Boutique, when she was met with what must have been the loudest sound she had ever had the mispleasure of hearing, as her hat blew away, Fluttershy catching it handily. She slammed the door shut and turned away, her eyes bloodshot from the sheer audio attack that had been inflicted upon them. “Holy Toledo that’s loud!” She nodded to Fluttershy in appreciation as she handed her her hat back, fixing it on the top of her head. She then steeled herself. “If’n we’re gonna get Rarity’s attention, we gotta turn that music off!” With that, she put a hoof on the top of her hat. “Fluttershy, open tha door. I’m goin’ in.” Fluttershy’s eyes widened in shock. “Really? But your eyes have been damaged by the force of the bass!” Applejack shook her head. “And imagine what Rares is goin’ through! It’s something I’d do for a friend. Now open the danged door!” Fluttershy nodded hesitantly and stood to the side of the door, opening it with a wing. Applejack’s very skin seemed to be peeling off at the force of the music, but she bravely strode in, upon which Fluttershy slammed the door behind her. Applejack was pinned to the ground upon the door slamming. Sighing, Applejack shook her head and slowly crawled towards the record player, which Rarity was mindlessly swaying in front of. Inch by inch, Applejack dragged herself across the floor of the boutique until she reached the player, slowly lifting her hoof off of the ground and shutting it off, standing up upon doing so. Rarity’s mane fell flat to her sides as she turned her head to Applejack, where Applejack saw that her pupils were as wide as saucers and she had a bit of a blush to her. Ah don’t lahke the looks a this. Rarity giggled. “Now, now, whyever would you do that?” she said as she turned the record player back on, causing Applejack to fly into and roughly slam against the opposite wall of the boutique, her body pinned a foot above the ground due to the sheer sound emanating from the record player. Rarity started gagging and turned the music down, upon which Applejack slowly slid down the wall onto her haunches, shaking her head. Rarity then brought a waste paper basket to her muzzle, gagging all the way, then let out a red stream of vomit from her mouth as Applejack watched in horror. “Rarity, what’s wrong—” and Applejack was promptly cut off by another jet of vomit escaping Rarity’s mouth, which Applejack retched at upon seeing. “Rarity, what in the—” and Applejack was interrupted once more by puke jetting out of Rarity’s mouth. “Rarity—” and she was interrupted yet again by Rarity barfing into the waste paper basket. Finally, confident she was done, Applejack asked, “Rarity, what in the hay is wrong with ya?” Rarity chuckled while breathing heavily as she placed the waste paper basket filled with the red emesis back in its location. “Whatever do you mean, Applejack?” Applejack raised an eyebrow at the way she said that. It was both drunken and mechanical at the same time. Applejack slowly stood up and shook her head. She knew what this was. “Rarity, why don’t you come with me to Twilight’s and we can have sommea those teacakes that you like?” Rarity chuckled at the suggestion. “I’m not feeling so hungry right now, Applejack. Sorry.” Applejack started sweating. “Well, then, how about some tea to get the taste of vomit outta yer mouth?” Rarity shook her head. “I don’t really taste anything.” “Well, then, would you do it for a friend?” Rarity thought on that for a second. “Yes, Applejack, I’ll do it for a friend.” Rarity then started walking in the most odd manner towards Applejack. It was as if she were a marionette or as if her legs were clockwork devices, slowly lifting and dropping them as opposed to striding. Applejack smiled nervously as Rarity closed in. Rarity then grasped the record with her magic and brought it to her in the same jerky motion that her legs were making, twitching her head apropos of nothing. “Can’t forget this,” Rarity said, giggling. “Who knew dubstep was so heavenly?” Applejack kept smiling as she led Rarity out. “That’s strange, I feel like I’m still inside,” she said as she looked around the clear blue sky in wonder, Fluttershy staring in disbelief as the odd way that Rarity was walking. Applejack passed by Fluttershy and whispered into her ear, “We have a Code Twi on our hands. You know the drill.” Fluttershy nodded uneasily. “Y-yes. Check the premises for anything suspicious and report back to Twilight’s when I find something.” Applejack nodded and winked at Fluttershy, then headed towards Rarity, who appeared lost. “Which way is it to Twilight’s, again? I can’t seem to get my bearings...” Applejack winced, then smiled as she took her hoof. “Right this way, Rares.” They both walked off to Twilight’s house as Applejack looked back to see Fluttershy entering Carousel Boutique. Applejack’s smile quickly turned into a worried frown as she worried about exactly what got into Rarity’s system.
Stupid Sexy Fun“So, is everypony here?” Twilight Sparkle asked behind the library counter. “Here,” Applejack said as she raised a hoof, sitting on the couch by a lying down Rarity. Spike was curled up on Rarity’s barrel, protective of his true love. “HerehereHERE!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, pronking around excitedly. “Yo!” Rainbow Dash said as she sat on her haunches by the couch. Rarity looked around confusedly. “Where are we again?” Applejack facehooved. “We’re in Twi’s library, Rares.” “Oh.” “And I’m here...so that just leaves Fluttershy!” Twilight said excitedly, scribbling down on a list. “Where is that mare, anyway?” “She’s engaging in the Code Twi I ordered,” Applejack said, which drew an angry glare from Twilight. “I thought we agreed to call it a code intoxication.” “No, you wanted to call it a code intoxication, but tha rest of us outvoted ya.” Twilight facehooved. “Fine. It’s been forty minutes. Where is—” the door swung open revealing Fluttershy followed by Big Macintosh, who was balancing a rather large box on his back. “Here I am! I searched Rarity’s house from top to bottom, and found anything suspicious!” Fluttershy said. “Eeyup,” Big Macintosh said. He then turned his head towards Applejack. “How often does this happen, Applejack?” Applejack shrugged. “It’s only happened once before, but Twilight figured that we name it in case it happens again.” “Uh...huh.” “So, anyway, let me codify the contents of that box,” Twilight said as she grasped something in her magic, frowning upon seeing what it was. “One very large makeup kit,” she said as she placed it next to her, then pulled out the next thing, “one...very beautiful dress—” “Oh, that’s mine,” Fluttershy said as she trotted over to the dress and grabbed it. Twilight shook her head, then pulled out the next item. “One...string of balls—” “Ben-wa balls,” Rainbow Dash interjected, which was met by a raised eyebrow from Twilight. “Eh, me and Soarin’ like to get freaky sometimes.” Twilight shook her head, determined to keep her clinical manner. “Alright, next we have one dildo...followed by another dildo...followed by another dildo—you know what, let me just count out all the dildos in here,” Twilight then proceeded to pull out a large array of dildos. “Twenty dildos fully accounted for—” she started before an ethereal light blue glow grasped the largest one, which Twilight tugged back sharply. “What are you doing, Rarity!?” Rarity lazily shrugged. “A girl gets lonely.” “But with all these ponies here!?” Rarity drunkenly looked around, then giggled. “I hadn’t noticed them before.” Twilight facehooved. She then pulled out a buttplug, blushing as she did so. She then pulled out another, and another, until there were a pretty line of buttplugs in front of her. “Fourteen buttplugs...look, Fluttershy, did you just collect all of the sex toys in Rarity’s room?” Fluttershy nodded, blushing. “Well, Applejack said to collect anything suspicious, and that amount of sex toys made me very suspicious…” Twilight facehooved again, then lifted the box off of Big Macintosh’s back, levitated it to the center of the room, turned it upside down, and dumped the contents on the floor, leaving a variety of sex implements in the center of the room. Everypony raised an eyebrow as they recognized something that belonged to them. Pinkie pronked to the pile first, pulling out a ball gag. “I was wondering where this went!” she said as she pronked back to where she was standing. Applejack then went to the pile, pulling out a riding crop. “Caramel’s been wondering where this baby disappeared off to…” Big Mac’s eyes bulged out at that as he turned an even darker shade of red as Applejack returned to her spot next to Rarity. Fluttershy timidly approached the pile next, pulling out what appeared to be a tree costume, then returning back to where she was standing. Applejack stared at her confusedly. “What in the hay you have that fer?” Fluttershy turned a lovely shade of crimson. “Well, me and my secret special somepony like to roleplay…” at which Big Macintosh gulped. Rainbow Dash then flew to the pile, pulling out a strap-on dildo. “Soarin’ and I were wondering where you were!” she said as she returned to where she was standing. Twilight looked upon Rainbow Dash in wonder. “Why do you and Soarin’ have a strap-on dildo?” she asked. Rainbow Dash put on a smug face. “For pegging.” “Is this because you’re secretly gay?” Fluttershy asked before covering her mouth in shame. Rainbow Dash glared at Fluttershy. “You said you’d never tell anypony! And what I said was, ‘I think I might be a filly-fooler’. Totes different.” Twilight shook her head. “Look, I don’t think anypony here would be surprised by...did you just say totes?” Rainbow Dash nodded happily. “Yeah. It’s totes shway!” Twilight facehooved. “As a librarian and a Princess of Equestria, I am disgusted with the mangling of the Equuish language you’ve just perpetrated.” Pinkie shook her head. “Nuh-uh! Totes is totes a word!” “No, it’s not!” “It totes is!” Twilight was getting frustrated. “No, it’s not!” Pinkie shook her head. “It totes is!” Rage was boiling up in Twilight. “No, it’s not! Pinkie shook her head again. “It totes is!” Twilight was almost at her tipping point. “No, it’s not!” “It totes is!” upon which Pinkie stuck out her tongue at Twilight. That did it. In a flash, Twilight’s coat turned a brilliant white as she leapt in the air and her mane and tail turned into dancing flames as she screamed “No, it’s not! Totes in that context wasn’t, isn’t, and will never be a word!” She then fell back down into her chair, charred and exhausted while Pinkie stood on in shock. “I like totes,” Fluttershy said, “they’re so useful for carrying all sorts of things. I have a tote that has my cutie mark on it. I like it a lot.” “And that...is how...you use...totes...in a...proper...sentence,” Twilight said exhaustedly, leaning her head on her hoof. “By the way,” Fluttershy asked, “who does that cat-o-nine-tails belong to?” Twilight looked up to see the offending object as she quickly grasped it in her magic and threw it into the kitchen. “That’s...nopony’s!” “No, I believe that was yours, darling,” Rarity said drunkenly, “you said you got it so that you could pretend that Flash fellow from the Crystal Guard was whipping you while you—” “And that’s a great story, Rarity, but we don’t really have time for that now!” Twilight cut off, blushing. Twilight then fixed her gaze on Fluttershy. “So, you found nothing that could have caused Rarity’s intoxication?” Fluttershy nodded. “No. But Rarity must have had a terrible cough, because I found this bottle of cough medicine in the trash in her bathroom…” she said, pulling out said bottle from one of her saddlebags. Twilight peered at the bottle. “Let me see that,” Twilight said. “Um, ok,” Fluttershy said as Twilight grasped the bottle from Fluttershy and started examining it. “Well, this explains a lot.” “What is it, Twilight?” Applejack asked. “Dextromethorphan.” “What now?” “I suppose you can call it DXM. In small doses, it’s an effective antitussive, but in larger doses, it can create a myriad of effects, ranging from drunkenness, discoordination, dizziness, and disorientation, all the way to a clockwork-like walk, loss of appetite, involuntary flexing of muscles, and confusion...and at the highest of doses, disassociation of mind from body.” Applejack, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie shuddered at the thought while Rainbow Dash was trying her hardest to hold back giggles. Twilight glared at Rainbow Dash. “Do you know something about this?” “Well…” Rainbow Dash said, failing to stifle back her chortling, “Scootaloo asked what she should try to do next to get her cutie mark, and I suggested the three of them buy a bottle of cough syrup and chug the whole thing down!” she finished, as she landed on her haunches in laughter, Rarity giggling apropos of Rainbow Dash.
Killing TimeApplejack and Big Mac swiveled their heads towards Rainbow Dash, both yelling, “You WHAT!?” Rainbow Dash, still laughing, said, “Yeah, I told her that they’d get their Cutie Marks in Psychedelic Exploration for sure!” Big Macintosh then stomped towards Rainbow Dash and lifted her up by the scruff of her neck, ending her laughter instantly. “Do you have any idea how idiotic that was? You have no idea of the proper dosage for a filly, and on top of that, you told Scootaloo! You know how she idolizes you! Now she’s going to tell everypony in her class that the ‘awesome’ Rainbow Dash told her that it was a good idea to drink cough medicine to get high!” Big Mac then shook his head. “Sometimes I wonder if you ever stop to think of the consequences of your actions…” Rainbow Dash, now sweating, said, “Hey, it’s not like I didn’t have a back-up plan…” Big Mac shot daggers at Rainbow Dash. “And what exactly was that, little missy?” Rainbow Dash pried herself out of Big Mac’s grip and dusted herself off. “Simple. If it got too intense, I’d just have Spike message Princess Luna to pull them out. Worked for me just fine…” Applejack facehooved. “First of all, that’s only a last resort. Secondly, ya came back wrong!” Rainbow Dash pouted. “Ya know, if it wasn’t for Fluttershy, I’d still think you were all gaslighting me.” “You know, I already told you all of that,” Rarity said, touching her hooves to her temples. “And when did you tell us that?” Twilight asked. Rarity smirked. “Just now. I told you that Sweetie Belle bought it on direction from Scootaloo.” “I don’t remember that! I mean, I know what you sound like, and I didn’t hear anything that sounded like you telling us that—” “Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie...I told you with my mind.” Pinkie nodded. “Ohhhhh…” Pinkie said, causing everypony present except for Pinkie and Rarity to facehoof. Big Mac then looked around. “And why does Rarity have all of your sex toys anyway?” he asked. Applejack shrugged. “I dunno. She just asked us for them, and bein’ good friends, we just lent them to her.” “And ya didn’t ask her why?” Pinkie shook her head. “No, silly stallion!” “And why not?” “Because that would be prying!” Big Mac facehooved. Mares. “So...what do we do now?” Fluttershy asked. Spike picked up his head from Rarity’s barrel. “Well, I sent a letter to the Princess, but she’s not going to be out of court for a while now.” “Besides,” Twilight interjected, “it should run out of her system naturally in about six hours.” Applejack looked around. “So, what do we do until then?” “YAHTZEE!” Pinkie shouted. Everypony except for Rarity groaned. “Jeez, Pinkie, how do you always get Yahtzee?” Rainbow Dash asked. Pinkie shook her head. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just good at it.” Twilight leaned her forehead on her hoof. “Pinkie, you can’t be good at Yahtzee.” Pinkie looked at Twilight. “Why not?” Twilight shook her head. “Because it’s a game of chance.” “So?” “A game of chance, by its very definition, precludes skill, relying on random number generation. So, therefore, you can’t be good at Yahtzee.” “Then why do I keep winning?” Twilight facehooved. “I don’t know. Let’s...just play another game.” Pinkie frowned. “Why?” “Because you keep winning at Yahtzee.” Pinkie shook her head. “I can’t keep winning.” Twilight sighed. “And why not?” “Because it’s a game of chance.” “Yes, I know that, but the evidence points to an upward trend of you winning.” “But that’s impossible.” Twilight shook her head in frustration. “Pinkie, you’re impossible.” Pinkie shook her head again. “How can I be impossible? I’m right here.” Twilight’s eyelids narrowed. “Yes, you are.” “So why did you say that I was impossible?” “Yeah, why did you say Pinkie was impossible?” Rainbow Dash asked. Twilight sighed frustratedly. “Call it a poor choice of words.” “Hey, girls,” Rarity said. “What, Rarity?” Applejack asked. “...a carriage is like a room with wheels.” Twilight’s eyes widened at that. “Yes, Rarity. Yes it is.” “...in fact, it’s exactly a room with wheels.” Twilight facehooved again. “Let’s just switch games.” “Alright, you come across a wall. What do you do?” Twilight asked the group. “Can I Magic Missile it?” “No, Pinkie, you cannot Magic Missile a wall.” Pinkie frowned. “Why not?” Twilight shook her head. “Because it’s a wall.” “So?” “So, Magic Missile does no damage to inanimate objects.” “I still wanna cast Magic Missile on the wall!” Twilight facehooved. “Fine. You cast Magic Missile on the wall. It does nothing.” Pinkie hair drooped the tiniest bit. “Awww…” Applejack tipped her hat. “I try an’ buck it.” Twilight nodded. “Alright Applejack, roll for success.” Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Why I gotta roll fer success? It’s a wall. It just sits there.” Twilight sighed. “You have to roll to see if you do any damage.” “Fine.” Applejack picked up the twenty sided die and shook it in her hooves, releasing it after five seconds. The die bounced across the floor and spun for a bit, finally revealing a one. Applejack cringed. “Is that bad?” Twilight nodded, then picked up a six sided die and rolled it, revealing a two. “You have failed so spectacularly that you sprained your ankle in the attempt, taking two points damage in the process.” Applejack crossed her forelegs. “Dumb wall.” “I’m gonna Sonic Rainboom it—” “—Rainbow Dash, please read your character sheet,” Twilight interjected. Rainbow Dash picked up her character sheet, carefully examining it. “What am I looking for?” “Do you see a skill called Sonic Rainboom anywhere on that sheet?” “Uh, no?” “Exactly. Your character cannot do a Sonic Rainboom.” Rainbow Dash groaned. “Ah’m gonna try an’ buck it.” “Alright Big Mac, roll for success.” Big Mac picked up the twenty sided die and rolled it, revealing a twenty. Big Mac looked up to Twilight, who was staring at the die in shock. “A natural twenty...hmm. Well, Big Mac, you’ve toppled over the wall and killed the goblins on the other side.” “Can I make friends with them!?” “No Pinkie, they’re dead.” “Then I search them for spells!” Twilight facehooved. “Spells don’t work that way, Pinkie.” “Why not?” “Because spells aren’t things.” Pinkie shook her head. “But they could have spellbooks!” Twilight frowned. “Why would goblins have spellbooks?” Pinkie shrugged. “Because they stole them from a wizard. Anyway, I search for spellbooks!” “You find no spellbooks.” Pinkie frowned. Fluttershy raised her hoof. “Can I skin them for their pelts?” Everypony stared at Fluttershy in shock. “I mean, they have to be worth something, right?” While the spellbinding game of Oubliettes and Ogres was taking place, Spike was busy nuzzling Rarity’s barrel, listening to the sound of her breath, feeling her rapid heartbeat under his head. “Hey, Rarity, are you gonna be okay?” Spike looked up to see that Rarity appeared to be staring into space. “Rarity?” Spike said as he waved his claw in front of Rarity’s face, garnering no response. “Uh, girls, she’s not responding.” Everypony except for Twilight turned their heads. “Oh, she must be having an out of body experience. That’s par for the course.” Everypony then turned back to the game. Spike nuzzled his head back on Rarity’s barrel. “Rarity, I don’t know if you can hear me right now...but I hope you’re okay. When you get out of this, I’m gonna help you find so many gemstones.” Spike raised his head to check back on Rarity, but what he saw shocked him to his core. Her corneas were a bold green with smoke billowing from them, and her horn was turning red and curving wickedly. A strange voice that was both male and female came out of her mouth, causing everypony’s heads to turn towards Rarity. “Begone!” Rarity commanded, upon which Spike was raised in a black glow as tens of thousands of volts of electricity ran through Spike’s body at that point, causing him to vibrate mid-air, then pass out. Rarity then slammed Spike roughly against a bookshelf and let him drop, his body sprawled across the floor as several books dropped onto him. “Ponyfeathers,” Applejack said.
Battle RoyaleAuthor's Note Ok, before anybody asks questions. Caltrops=Buttplugs Unicorn bolt or bolt=Dildo Bolas=Ben-Wa balls. And the credits for the song included, One Trick Pony, go to MicTheMicrophone, JackleApp, and LivingTombstone. Battle Royale Everypony stared in shock at the grievous act of violence Rarity had just committed. That, and her eyes, which were green outside blue and leaking smoke, as well as her horn, which was now a wickedly curved red. She shook her head and rolled off the couch, landing on her hooves, everypony backing away as she did so. She then traced her eyes across everypony present, finally fixing her gaze on Twilight. Twilight blushed and teleported away. Sombra snorted, then pawed at the ground, aching for a fight. He noticed the caltrops and unicorn bolts strewn across the ground, as well as a riding crop, a gag, and a bolas. The ponies responded in kind by pawing at the ground as well, except for the pretty yellow one, who was cowering in a corner, and the pink one, who was smiling like an idiot. He was ready for this battle. “WAIIIIIT!” the pink one yelled. Sombra then traced her motions as she pronked over to the record player, popped in a record, and put the needle down, when a song started playing. Pink then hopped back over to her friends. “Ok, ready!” Sombra crouched as the ponies attacked. He grabbed the caltrops with Rarity’s magic and threw them across the ground, upon which the red one stepped on one and skidded in its tracks. The orange one and the pink one, though, handily dodged them, Orange stepping to the side of the spray while Pink somehow managed to dance in between them. Blue was flying over as Sombra grasped the riding crop in Rarity’s magic. He waited for the three ponies to get into position, then faced away from them and struck, her mane flailing about. He bucked Orange in the face, causing her to reel, whipped Pink with Rarity's tail in the throat, causing her to gag, and whipped Blue in the gut with the riding crop, causing her to stop in her tracks. He then landed the buck and bucked upwards, catching Blue in the face, whipping Pink on the rump with the riding crop, and whipping Orange in the barrel with her tail. The three of them collapsed on the ground, gasping for air. Sombra landed the buck, her mane landing gracefully by her sides. Red had managed to extricate the caltrop from his hoof and charged towards Sombra and screamed. Sombra picked up a bolt while spinning it at a high velocity at the same time. Right when Red was about to strike, Sombra whipped Red in the face with her tail, causing him to stagger. He then bucked him in the barrel, knocking him over. He then drilled the bolt straight into his shoulder causing Red to suck in in pain as the bolt pierced his flesh, spraying chunks of wood upon impact with the floor. The three girls, now recovered, regrouped and attacked Sombra again. Sombra let an evil smirk dance upon Rarity’s face as he grabbed the bolas with her magic and threw it at Pink’s hocks, catching them and effectively hogtying her. He then whipped Orange and Blue in the face, the former with the crop, the latter with her tail, causing them to both stagger back. He then lifted up two bolts and started spinning them. Orange shook her head and looked up just in time to see a bolt drill through her shoulder and knock her back to the wall, spitting bits of wood as it made contact with the wall. He tried to drill another bolt at Blue, but she dodged just in time. Frowning, Sombra picked up three bolts and spun them viciously as the rainbow blur flew towards her. Sombra flung two bolts at Blue, her dodging as expected straight into the riding crop to the face. Blue’s head was turned, and in that instant, Sombra shot the spiraling bolt straight into Blue’s cheeks, piercing straight through as she was launched into a bookcase. She hung off of the bolt by her new piercing, not making a sound by virtue of apparently passing out from shock. Twilight was shuffling through her kitchen drawers, a vial of Solar Water on the counter. Where did I put my aspergillum? She finally found it after two minutes of searching, a silver stick that had a silver ball with holes in it attached to the top. Smiling, she unscrewed the top half of the ball, carefully pouring the Solar Water inside of it, meticulously screwing the top back on. Smiling, she picked up the cat-o-nine-tails and strode into the main area. Sombra turned her head when he heard a cracking sound, seeing Red rip his shoulder out of the ground with the bolt still impaled within, slivers of wood streaming through the air. He then fixed a vicious glare at Sombra and charged forward. Sombra, thinking fast, spun around, waiting to strike. When Red was in striking range, he bucked at the bolt as he picked up six other bolts and spiraled them maliciously, looking back to see Red wince in pain. Red shook his head and purposefully stomped towards Sombra. Sombra, not taking any chances, fired each bolt in turn at Red. Upon impact from each blow, Red slowed a bit, more and more with each fired bolt, the last one piercing his hoof as he rose it to strike Sombra. Red’s features screwed up in pain as the keratin on his hoof shattered, finally collapsing on the floor. Sombra snorted and turned away, only to be met with a swift kick to the face from Orange, who similarly had a bolt stuck in her shoulder. It sent Rarity’s body flying through the air, her mane whipping about her face. Sombra shook her head and grasped three bolts mid-air, spinning and firing them at Orange, piercing her other shoulder and both of her thighs to the ground as she let out a yowl of pain, Sombra landing shortly after, her mane settling. Sombra turned to the only pony mobile to see if she was still sniveling. He was surprised to see a resolute look on her face and an untamed glare in her eye as she spread her wings. “Nopony hurts my friends and gets away with it!” Yellow cried out as she rushed towards Sombra. Sombra rolled her eyes, picked up a bolt, spun it, and fired it at Yellow’s right wing. She flew back and hit the wall, hitting her head upon impact, knocking herself out. Sombra grinned depravedly at the scene before him: Red collapsed on the floor with seven bolts sticking out of him with Orange pinned to the floor by four bolts. Blue was unconscious, hanging off of the bookshelf by her mouth with Yellow similarly inert, her wing pinned to the wall. He then looked upon Pink, who was frowning at him. “Hey!” Pink yelled, “Why didn’t I get impaled by a—UGHHHUGHHHUGHH!” she started before Sombra plugged her mouth with the gag. He then glared about the room, then plucked the three bolts out of the wall and picked up the three left over, spinning them as he pointed them at the ponies’ and dragon’s heads. He then cringed as cold water touched his form, turning to see Twilight Sparkle shaking an aspergillum at him while grasping a cat-o-nine-tails in her magic, sprinkling Rarity’s body with water while chanting, “The power of Celestia compels you! The power of Celestia compels you!” Sombra, clearly frustrated now, ripped the aspergillum from her grip and started vigorously shaking the aspergillum at Twilight, watching her cringe as she, too, was sprinkled with the water. Twilight then ripped the aspergillum from Rarity’s grip, frowning. “Okay, I get it; it’s really annoying. But I don’t understand,” Twilight said, scratching her head with the asperg, “you should be expelled by now. Aren’t you a possessing spirit?” Sombra shook Rarity’s head. Twilight stared at Sombra. “Then what are you doing in Rarity’s body?” “Borrowing,” Rarity said in a mixture of Rarity’s and Sombra’s voices. “Huh…” Twilight said, looking at the carnage across her room, “then it appears we are at an impasse.” Sombra curtly nodded Rarity’s head. “Indeed.”
Impasses Are So PasséTwilight stared in horror at the malicious violence that Sombra had caused, then shook her head. She didn’t have time to grieve for her friends’ injuries right now. “So...what should we call you?” she asked as she moved behind the library desk, sitting down. Rarity kept her eye trained on Twilight. Guess he’s not much of a talker. Sighing, she said, “Well, since you’re being so helpful, I’ll suggest a name. How about Sombrarity?” Rarity raised an eyebrow. “You see, it combines both of your names. I motion that we call you Sombraity. Do I have a second?” “MMMM-MMMPH!” Pinkie strangled out. “All those in favor?” Twilight asked, raising a hoof. Pinkie flipped on her back, raising her hooves in the air. “All those opposed?” Sombrarity raised a hoof. “Well then, with two for and one against, motion passed. Welcome to my library, Sombrarity.” Sombrarity grunted in derision. “By the way, Sombrarity, how did you get the dildos to penetrate?” Sombrarity raised an eyebrow at Twilight. “The sex toys.” “Elucidate.” Twilight peered at Sombrarity quizzically, then turned a deep shade of crimson as she realized what he(she?)was asking. She steepled her hooves in front of her face, then said, “Huh...I guess they didn’t really have sex toys in your time...well, how do I put this most efficiently?” Twilight looked down, then put her hooves on the desk, then looked up. “They’re...devices designed to relieve...sexual tension in a mare.” Sombrarity stared confusedly at Twilight, looked back at the dildos, then turned scarlet as it hit him. Twilight looked away, then turned back to Sombrarity. “Well, now that that’s out of the way, how did you get them to penetrate?” Sombrarity, now in his element, floated the dildo he had aimed at Spike’s head over, spun it in front of Twilight, then launched it at the wall as Twilight watched in wonder as it stuck into the wall. Sombrarity then yanked it out of the wall and floated it back to Spike’s head. “Hmm...interesting. I suppose that the spinning would increase the penetrative power.” Sombrarity shook her head, which Twilight raised an eyebrow at. “Then why do you spin them?” “Stability.” “Stability? I guess that would apply over longer ranges, but we’re talking close-range combat here.” Sombrarity shrugged. Twilight frowned. “I guess I can’t expect you to cooperate...so, how did you come about, um, ‘borrowing’ Rarity?” Sombrarity grinned malevolently. “Crystals.” “Crystals?” Twilight asked. Sombrarity motioned to the papers in front of Twilight. “Oh, you want to see my papers? Go ahead!” she said with a smile. Sombrarity grasped the papers and a quill with her magic and brought them over to her. She shuffled through them, then underlined a passage and handed them back to Twilight along with the quill. Twilight picked up the paper that Sombrarity had underlined and read the passage. Dextromethorphan in its natural state is a crystalline structure. Huh? Dextromethorphan in its natural state is a crystalline structure. Twilight looked up at Sombrarity with an incredulous look on her face. “You’re kidding.” Sombrarity shook her head, then produced a paper with her magic and levitated it over to Twilight. Twilight grasped it with her magic and studied it. She pored over it for a few minutes, then looked up at Sombrarity. “I don’t get it. This is just the chemical structure for Dextromethorphan. What am I looking at here?” Sombrarity shook her head, grasped a quill in her magic, and circled a certain part of the chemical, upon which Twilight’s eyes widened. “Oh, Celestia...this is a Soulcatcher Crystal! But somehow you’ve managed to attune this to your own soul...but you wouldn’t have been able to do this in your current form, or even in your shadow form, which means…” Twilight looked up at Sombrarity with a newfound respect. “Well, you certainly know how to plan ahead, I know that much...but this is insane! How would you even have this knowledge of chemistry a thousand years ago?” Twilight shook her head. “Something doesn’t add up…” she said. Sombrarity nodded. “Friend.” Twilight stared at Sombrarity, not knowing what to to make of that. “Who would make friends with you?” Something then hit her. “Starswirl.” Sombrarity shook her head. “Time traveler?” Sombrarity nodded. “Hypothetically.” “Hypothetically? What does that even mean, ‘hypothetically’? How is one hypothetically a time traveler?” Sombrarity, however, refused to respond. Instead, he tried to impale all of Twilight’s friends’ heads, which Twilight was prepared for, for she trapped all of the dildos with her magic, along with Sombrarity. What she failed to catch, however, was the buttplug that now sailed towards her horn, pinging it quite viciously, causing her to drop her hold and rub her horn dizzily. Sombrarity took this chance to escape the library. After recovering from the blow, she sat there and thought for a second. Where would Sombra go at a time like this? Rarity’s, perhaps? No, that doesn’t make a lick of sense. It then hit her in the head like a sack of potatoes. The pharmacy! Twilight stood up and looked at her options of who to take with her and cringed. She had momentarily forgotten about the display of utter brutality that Sombrarity had displayed, leaving only Pinkie intact, being bound and gagged. Sighing, she tried to undo the ball gag that was wrapped in Pinkie’s mouth, only to find that her magic wasn’t quite working yet. Shaking her head, she trotted up to Pinkie Pie and fumbled with the clasp in her hooves. I will never understand how earth ponies get along with just hooves. She finally got the clasp undone, leaving the ball gag to drop to the floor. Pinkie took a large gasp of air. “Oh Twilight thank you I thought I was a goner when Sombrarity bound me up but you saved me from that super-duper meanie and could you please untie my legs and save all of our friends?” Twilight nodded and untangled Pinkie Pie’s legs, letting her stand up and stretch them. “So you gonna save everypony else?” Twilight shook her head. “I can’t. My magic isn’t working right now, and with no way to cauterize their wounds, I’ll have no way to stop the blood flow when I remove the...dildos.” Twilight then trotted up to Applejack and looked down at her, Applejack looking up hazily. “Listen, Applejack, I’m coming back for you. I’m coming back for all of you. I just need to catch Sombrarity, ok?” Applejack weakly nodded, then twitched her head up. Twilight lowered her ear to Applejack’s mouth. “Give 'em a good whuppin' for me, ya hear?” Applejack whispered into Twilight's ear. Twilight giggled and lifted her head back up. “I will, don’t you worry.” Twilight then looked over to Pinkie Pie and nodded towards the door. “Pinkie Pie, we’re going to the pharmacy.” Pinkie looked at Twilight with a confused look on her face. “Why?” Twilight shook her head. “No time. I’ll explain on the way.” With that, Twilight Sparkle galloped out the door, Pinkie Pie shrugging and following in her wake.
Pharmacy RaceSombrarity was dashing through the streets of Ponyville, scanning for the apothecary. He unfortunately could not find it anywhere. He then came across a building that had a sign with a pill on it over the door. Smiling, he trotted in. “So, where are we going again, Twilight?” Pinkie asked, galloping beside Twilight. “We’re going to the pharmacy, Pinkie.” “Why?” “Because Sombrarity’s going to try and drink more dextromethorphan.” “Why?” “Because his out of body time is almost running out and he wants more time inside Rarity.” “Why?” Twilight stopped in her tracks, Pinkie sliding to a stop next to her. “Which one, the first or the second?” “The first,” Pinkie said, smiling. Twilight shook her head and started galloping again, Pinkie keeping up pace. “Because the dextromethorphan had almost left Rarity's system.” “How do you know that?” “Because I was counting on it.” “How?” “Didn’t you wonder why I was talking to him?” “I thought you were trying to make friends.” Twilight shook her head in frustration. “Pinkie, one does not simply make friends with an evil overlord.” “I thought you were going for a Code Discord!” “A Code Discord wouldn’t work on Sombra.” “Why?” “Because Discord wasn’t really evil to begin with.” “Then what would you call what he did to us?” “Being a complete and utter dick.” “Ohhhh...but wasn’t Sombrarity being a dick, too?” Twilight shook her head. “No, he was trying to kill you. Discord never actively hurt any of us.” Pinkie thought on that for a second. “Sombrarity wasn’t trying to kill us.” Twilight looked back. “What do you mean, ‘he wasn’t trying to kill you?’ I saw the dildos sticking out of you all. In fact, he had dildos trained on all of your heads before he bolted through the door!” Pinkie shook her head. “Twilight, Twilight, Twilight...you didn’t see him fight. His movements were perfect and his aim was legendary. He could have killed us at any time. So why do you suppose he didn’t?” Twilight thought on that for a second. “Maybe he was just toying with you?” Pinkie shook her head again. Twilight looked back, to see an uncharacteristically grim look on Pinkie’s face. “I heard you describe your trials in securing the Crystal Heart. Sombra doesn’t toy around. Maybe this is all part of his master plan.” Twilight thought on that for a second. What if Pinkie Pie was right? Sombrarity entered the apothecary and was stunned by the sheer amount of products inside of it. It seemed to him more of a general market than anything else. He walked around, scanning the aisles for cough medicine, only he didn’t find any in this aisle. He was looking at granola bars, orange juice concentrate, and cereal with cartoonish mascots on it. Curious, he lifted the cereal off of the shelf and scanned the box. There was a picture of a cartoon Cadance on the front, holding a spoon in her magic, and if he wasn’t mistaken, the cereal appeared to be some sort of grain along with heart-shaped marshmallows. Sombrarity growled at the cover, looking at the name: Lovely Charms. Sombrarity facehooved as he put the box back in its place. He then decided to do what he should have done in the first place, as opposed to wandering around like a commoner. He looked up to the signs above the aisles, scanning for cough medicine. He found the aisle and trotted towards it, trotting down until he found the myriad cough products. He picked up one, scanned the active ingredients, then put it back deciding he’d try to avoid destroying this vessel’s liver. He picked up another box, scanning for the ingredients, then put it back. Vomiting was against his desires. He then picked up a third box, and pleased with the contents walked up to the register, frowning when a purple mare with a striped pink-and-white mane was blocking him with what appeared to be a rather large cart of items. On top of that, the cashier didn’t appear to be more than sixteen and was fumbling with the items. The purple pony was tapping her hoof impatiently, looking around, smiling when she laid her eyes on Sombrarity. “Hey, Rarity,” she said to Sombrarity, “I didn’t know you shopped here! So, what brings you here today?” Sombrarity looked around, sweating. “Nothing.” Cheerilee stared at Sombrarity. “It doesn’t sound like nothing. In fact, it sounds like you have a terrible cold!” Cheerilee then spotted the bottle of cough medicine that Sombrarity was holding and giggled. “I guess that would explain that, then. Would you like to hear how Sweetie Belle’s doing in school?” “O...kay…” Cheerilee nodded. “Well, I don’t know if she told you, but right now we’re on our algebraic topology unit. Do you know what that is?” Sombrarity shook her head. “I guessed that you wouldn’t. Isn’t it amazing what they’re teaching our children today? Well, anyway, algebraic topology is a branch of mathematics that uses tools from abstract algebra to study topological spaces. You with me so far?” Sombrarity uneasily nodded her head. “Well, anyway, the basic goal is to find algebraic invariants that classify topological spaces up to homeomorphism…” Sombarity facehooved. This line was getting rather long, and for all the wrong reasons. Twilight and Pinkie crashed through the doors of the pharmacy, looking around for Sombrarity when they bumped into Cheerilee. “Hey, girls. What are you doing here?” Twilight grabbed Cheerilee’s shoulders in her hooves. “Did you see Rarity?” Cheerilee giggled. “Why yes, she’s at the counter. I was just explaining algebraic topology to her.” Twilight smiled in glee. "Were you discussing homology?" Cheerilee shook her head. "No, knot theory." Twilight went to continue this conversation then shook her head and shoved Pinkie Pie in front of Cheerilee. “Run interference!” Pinkie nodded, leaving Twilight to canter towards the counter, where Sombrarity was making his purchase. Twilight grasped the box of cough syrup in her magic, upon which Sombrarity grasped it back. Twilight tried to tug on it only to find that Sombrarity’s grip wasn’t loosening. Twilight kept tugging, unable to make any headway. An idea came to her. She crushed the box and bottle in her magic, watching its contents drip to and dissolve into the floor. Sombrarity glared at Twilight, then made a mad dash towards the cough medicine aisle. Twilight was one step ahead of him, however, as she strained, picking up the entire shelf in her magic, then proceeded to crumple up the entire thing into a neat cube, Sombrarity looking on in horror. Sombrarity then looked upon Twilight with a face that she had never seen on Rarity before:apoplexy. Sombrarity then levitated fifteen pairs of scissors in front of her and opened them. “Die,” she said calmly before fifteen pairs of scissors flew straight towards Twilight Sparkle.
It Ends?Twilight quickly teleported out of the way of the scissors into an aisle and laid low. She heard Sombrarity grunt in disdain and start prowling around. Twilight looked around to see that she was in the cosmetics section, which gave her an idea. She quickly grasped one of the compacts with her magic and slowly inched over to the edge of the aisle and opened the compact, revealing the mirror inside. She slowly moved the mirror out past the edge of the aisle and looked in it to find Sombrarity nowhere. She sighed in relief, then the compact was knocked out of her magic by a plastic shovel, causing her to leap in shock. She then inhaled and exhaled and cast a thermal imaging spell, letting her see the form of Sombrarity through the shelves. She could see her coming up on her. She teleported to another aisle, seeing the form of Sombrarity look around in confusion. Twilight then slowly picked up a can of soda and tapped her hoof sharply against the ground, Sombrarity popped out of the aisle she was in, giving Twilight the chance to lob the can of soda at Sombrairty. Sombrarity quickly caught it and flung it back, Twilight teleporting into another aisle across the store. Twilight could see Sombrarity look down each aisle, sneaking around, coming across Pinkie and Cheerilee. Cheerilee screamed, causing Pinkie to shove her out of the store and face down Sombrarity herself. Sombrarity picked up a jar of pickles and threw it at Pinkie, who popped out of existence and popped in down an aisle behind Sombrarity, holding her hooves to the side of her head and blowing a raspberry at Sombrarity. Sombrarity stomped her hooves in frustration and picked up another jar of pickles and rocketed it towards Pinkie Pie, who popped out of existence again, reappearing an aisle behind Sombrarity. Sombrarity then grasped Pinkie’s mane with her magic and plummeted her to the floor, dragging her to Sombrarity’s hooves. Sombrarity lifted a hoof, which is when Twilight teleported behind Sombrarity and pinged her horn with her hoof, causing Sombrarity to drop Pinkie. Sombrarity then whipped Twilight’s throat with her tail, which made Twilight stagger. She then dropped her head down and charged Twilight, who teleported behind Sombrarity, picked up a jar of pickles, and flung them at Sombrarity. He bucked back and shattered the jar of pickles, leaving pickle juice stained everywhere. Twilight then bit her lower lip. “Sorry, Rarity.” Sombrarity started to charge when four simultaneous snaps were heard as Sombrarity’s legs crumpled beneath her. Twilight trotted up to her with a worried look on her face. “Any last words, Sombra?” Sombrarity gave Twilight a vicious glare and spat in Twilight’s face. “Fuck you.” Twilight shook her head. “Well, that’s the most you’ve said this entire time, so I’ll consider it a success.” Twilight’s horn lit up, then she sang. Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to lay your sleepy head Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to go to bed Drifting off to sleep, leave the day behind you Drifting off to sleep, let the joy of dreamland find you Hush now, quiet now, lay your sleepy head Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to go to bed Sombrarity tried to crawl over to Twilight on her mangled legs, but was impeded by the magical lullaby she was being sung as sleep overtook her. Twilight them picked her up in her magic and turned to Pinkie Pie. “Let’s go back to the library.” Pinkie nodded and followed Twilight out of the pharmacy. Rarity opened her eyes to see all of her friends and both Princesses standing over her. She looked around, confused. “Where am I and why are you all staring at me?” Princess Celestia spoke first. “We came as quick as we could...we’re sorry.” “Sorry? Sorry for what?” “You appear to have been borrowed by Sombra for an hour,” Luna said, “and in that time you and your friends were all royally fucked.” Applejack facehooved. “Will ya stop sayin’ that? You’ve said that like fifteen times already! Jus’ because we were all stabbed with dildos doesn’t mean we were royally fucked!” Rarity looked around. “Stabbed with...dildos?” Rarity said before her pupils turned to pinpricks. “Wait, I can explain!” Princess Celestia shook her head and giggled. “No need, Rarity. We all have needs. But you may want to take a look at this,” she said, lifting up a compact mirror and handing it to Rarity, who grasped it in her unusually strong magic. She lifted it up to her face to find a sliver of red at the top. Curious, she titled the mirror up to find a vicious red horn atop her head. Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo were drawing in the clubhouse when they heard a vicious scream. Apple Bloom raised her head. “What was that?” she asked. Sweetie Belle shook her head. “It’s just my sister. She probably chipped a hoof or something.” Apple Bloom stared at Sweetie Belle, then went back to drawing. “I’m uh-huh-huh-huh-gly!” Fluttershy stroked Rarity’s mane. “You’re never ugly. You’re beautiful.” “Eeyup,” Big Macintosh said. “But how did this happen?” Rarity asked between tears. “Well,” Twilight said, “when the princesses came, they healed all of the injuries that you caused when ‘borrowed’ by Sombra. But your new horn isn’t an injury. It’s a permanent side effect of the ‘borrowing’ process.” “But how am I supposed to go outside like this?” Pinkie giggled. “I think it looks great!” Rarity glared at Pinkie Pie. “Of course you would, darling.” “There’s just one thing that bugs me,” Rainbow Dash said, “you kept muttering ‘Red Umbra’ when you were out. Do you know anything about that?” Rarity looked at Rainbow Dash, confused. “No, I can’t say I do…” Twilight looked at her confusedly. “You sure?” Rarity glared at Twilight. “Yes, I’m sure, now let me wallow in self-pity!” Pinkie dashed up to Rarity and hugged her. “No can do, Rarity! I’m gonna hug you until you love your new horn!” Smiling, Princess Celestia shook her head. “Well, everything seems to be in order here, Luna. Shall we take our leave?” Princess Luna nodded. “We shall. They seem to be managing just fine.” With that, they teleported out of the room. Twilight went back to her desk and started shuffling through her papers. “Well, now that that’s done with, I suggest everypony leave so that Rarity can get some rest.” Everypony nodded and left the library. “You know, Rarity, you should be thankful for that horn.” Rarity glared at Twilight. “Why should I be thankful for this dreadful thing?” “Well, if my calculations are correct, it appears to have increased your magic by a hundred-fold. You’re easily half as powerful as me now.” Rarity stared at the ceiling. “Huh. I still think it looks dreadfully tacky.” Twilight giggled. “Well, you can’t have you cake and eat it, too.” Rarity giggled. “A shame. It would be so tasty right about now...” Rarity sighed. “What do you think that ‘Red Umbra' nonsense I was prattling on about was about?” Twilight shook her head. “I have no idea. I’ll have to do some research on that…” Rarity kept staring at the ceiling. “You do that, Twilight…” A crimson pegasus with a black mane was sitting at a writing desk taking some notes when she heard a voice pass through her mind. “Success, Red Umbra.” Red Umbra smiled and checked off a box on another piece of paper. “Very good. Phase one is complete.”
