First Equestrian Problems!

by Creed

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe
Length: 2220

Damn it! These problems are just flying around like wildfire, and the only thing we're getting is publicity! Oh Celestia, save us from the paparazi!

Ponies and their various problems, all written for the viewing pleasure of you, the reader to whom it may concern.
Yes, you're the pony for the job. You wanted this job, so don't cry to me that you have to read all their problems and report each one to Celestia. She wants you to keep all these truthful and hateful comments away, so she can keep the public at bay. Besides, you should be thanking her. I hear you get stellar pay for all this shit.

…

Lucky bastard.

NOTE: Not actually clop, but implied or well, wishing of somepony getting [spoiler]fucked[/spoiler].
Mature for strong language, and full of random shit that you will not understand.
Written by: Curify
Proofread by:
Edited by:

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-01 21:37:09 UTC

Noteworthy

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to shed some light on the issues that erupted at the factory today. It was a pain, a major pain. You don’t know how bad it was to get plowed and sandwiched by a machine. Yes, I mean that sentence in every single possible way. It got me all dirty and I had to take a three hour shower just to get all the grime and unidentified substances off my coat. It was dreadful! I would go to that Twilight Sparkle lady, but she hates my guts for accidentally knocking over her whole bookcase.

All those books…

Eugh.

Anyway, I wanted to say that whoever overloaded the machine with rainbows and manure is a complete horse. I just hate when those two are mixed together. It’s like Satan and Chrysalis were showing their moves while Celestia just watched, sitting on her throne and eating chocolate covered marshmallows.

Just picture that reader.

Marshmallows that are chocolate covered in the mouth of one of our most revered rulers.

Actually, that sounds like a sight to see.

Excuse me, I’m speaking to the letter now and not getting to the bottom line.

I want for whoever reads this to know that I would like to get more regulations added into the factory to prevent these machines from plowing, ramming, sandwiching, bending over, slapping, or bashing any worker ever again. It’s not a good experience to feel some mechanical arm spring into your own hindquarters. You can’t even reach back there with your own hooves, and simply trashing about or kicking them simply does no justice. So you just have to take it, groaning and moaning due to the painful entry.

…

It was an arm, not another pony you…

You know what, this report sounds too raunchy. You fellows at the factory will probably giggle or even laugh so hard that you’ll be using this as a way to get back for me spilling custard inside your lockers.

Eh, it was worth it.

Anyway, thanks for reading you concerned motherfuckers at the factory. I hope you all rot in Chrysalis’ cave, getting fucked until you become vacant.

From,

Noteworthy

**P.S.* My name isn’t actually Noteworthy. I just changed it because Plotter wasn’t a “public friendly” name for a grown stallion. That name used to get mares all riled up.*

Clear Thought

To Whom It May Concern:

Currently writing in my dungeon cell, so I only have a few minutes to write.

They’re putting me to death.

Yes, they, the rulers of this country, decided to put me to death.

All because I accidentally farted on the royal countertops. As a result, I get sentenced to the deathly hollows of Celestia’s chambers.

…

Well it is close to death as you can possibly get without dying.

…

I mean, she has all these cakes, pies, and marshmallow delights lying on the floor. These damned delicious treats never got to see the inside of her stomach because the ants and mold just creeped in and decided to poison it all. Its like Princess Celestia didn’t understand that she had to eat the treats in order to be satisfied, but no.

No.

Princess Celestia, the main ruler of Equestria, is a dessert watcher.

Yes.

That is a thing.

She doesn’t eat them, she watches them and takes pictures of them with her magic.

Like…

What in the bloody fuck are you doing?

If it isn’t the desserts that got your flank to be as big as Colossus, then how the hell did you get your rump so large?

Sitting contests?

Compressed Air?

Filling?

Do you even lift?

I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore.

Look…

Just tell my family that I’ll be fine, and that if I do die from all this manual labor, then tell them that I love them and that there is an emergency contact in my drawers that will help them with their survival.

It’s a rough world in Equestria.

Damn first Equestrian problems...

With regret and anger,

Clear Thought.

**P.S.* Luna has nice flanks too.*

Twilight Sparkle

To Whom It May Concern:

Books.

They’re all over the place.

Why should I complain? They’re the only thing I think about.

Instead of getting inside Rainbow Dash, I’m sitting here, fawning over the new collectors edition of The Hungered.

…

It’s the collector’s edition! I can’t pass up time to not read it! I read everything!

…

I just wish I got inside her. She’s just, so perfect.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, Celestia has a nice rump, however; Rainbow Dash is just in my reach. She crashes in here every waking moment she can, and I can almost cope a feel of her nice, plump flanks. Not to mention, I always notice how she looks at me. She blushes madly whenever I gaze right into her eyes, and she turns away whenever I say how awesome she is.

…

Especially when she crashes, she’s a damn pro at that. Not only that, but I like the sight of her ass when its pointed up, giving me full view of her entrance. So enticing, the entrance awaiting penetration of my horn. I-

...

Sorry about that, I needed some time to properly mas-, I mean, think about what I'm writing for.

Unfortunately, these books are so enticing, binding me to their textures. The textures, so smooth, so inviting. I can’t choose which to love! I wish I could just go outside and bang my Rainbow Bo-, I mean Novel Das-.

Oh for fuck sakes! I’m going to Sugarcube Corner! I need to take a break from my books!

…

Wait, I’m on the couch, and it’s too comfortable, and the door is miles away…

….

I’ll go tomorrow.

Sorry for talking to myself, or well, writing to myself. Oh Celestia, if this got into your mail, I would be so embarrassed. This would give you so much of a headache, and you’ll probably dismiss me as your student if you saw my book and Rainbow Dash fetishes. Plus, you’d probably be disgusted by my laziness. It’s too much distance for me to travel, and I can’t simply get off my flank to reach it.

I need a TV…

Too lazy to finish this letter, so I’ll just end it here.

From your faithful couch potato,

Twilight Sparkle

The Bastard Himself

To Whom It May Concern:

I fucking hate the cold. It makes me so angry when I have to go outside, use my magic to toss off the damned heavy snow from my roof. It always gives me a more severe headache every time I do it.

I also hate the fucking bigots in Canterlot. Those guys fucking suck. All they do is prance around and say “Oh good day to you, sir.” while I grumble and mumble because I’m going to a “peasant’s marketplace”.

I also despise those royal marshmallows you call Royal Guards. Those fucks couldn’t even defend a fly from penetrating your airspace. It’s like they’re statues, waiting for some bird to piss on them from above. I hope that happens soon, that would make my day.

I also despise Princess Twilight Sparkle. Every Canterlot Elite talks about her like she’s made of money. She, apparently, gives funds to those who promise to give twenty-five percent of their profits to local orphanages in Canterlot. It’s fucking stupid. Those money-hungry penny-pushing, self-centered, ignorant, huffy-puffy, defiling little wenches, they sicken me. All they want is Twilight’s hoof on their business, so that they can profit big time. People eat that shit up like its the end of the world.

I also despise dubstep. For some reason, that scratchy bullshit got on top of the world, while the heavy metal bands and rock artists got their asses hoofed so hard, that they couldn’t stand up for a week. I mean, how the hell is that entertaining? Sounds that sound like a griffon attempting to write on chalkboard. I can’t even bear the fact that these sounds of ‘music’ get high record listings while these rockstars barely get any recognition.

I also despise those snooty mares at the club. They always bring those drinks up to their makeup infested faces, glaring at me with their daggers, then drinking the whole glass in one swing. Then, they get up, give me one last horrifying glance, before turning back to their husband or their friend who was conveniently standing in the middle of the dance floor. What the fuck?

Lastly, I hate the Royal Sunny D. Yes, that golden sunbutt. Tell her that her light likes to shine right in my eyes in the morning, making me unable to see for about ten seconds. And if you respond with “Why don’t you go get some blinds?”, I will hoot and holler til the night goes on. You don’t even understand. This is some first Equestrian problems here, and I hate that shit.

From,

Your friendly neighborhood bastard with hooves.

Pinkie Pie

To Whom It May Concern:

I hope you’re happy.

…

I ran out of butter this morning.

Yes, butter, the main ingredient to one of my most important desserts of all time. I was supposed to send this massive giant to Celestia for the Grand Galloping Gala, but some fuck forgot to buy the butter to finish it off.

…

You know how long it takes to get butter?

I have to put my facade on, walk outside, mosey on over to the marketplace, go up to one of the vendors, ask him for some butter, listen to him talk about how butter is one of the important ingredients to any dessert, I reply with something along the lines of ‘I know, right?’ while putting my bits in the vendor’s hoof, grab the butter, turn around, walk straight back to my place of work, and sit there, sighing in relief due to the fact that I got the right butter for the job.

That’s like, a ton of fucking work!

I hate when this happens; it delays so much of my work.

Not to mention, it delays my time with my friends. This butter-forgetting fuck decided not to get my butter, so now I’m basically screwed over with the time I saved up for friendship. I can’t go hang out with Twilight, because shes probably doing her royal princess duties. I can’t go talk with Fluttershy, because she’s too busy talking with stray animals. I can’t go watch Rainbow Dash fly and inevitably crash due to overcompensating for a turn. I can’t go watch Applejack buck some poor trees, their branches moaning in pain for being bucked every damn year. I can’t go speak with Rarity, because that bitch hates me whenever I even approach her work station.

Speaking of Rarity, why in the heck am I still friends with her?

…

Oh yeah, I remember, because she wanted to prove to me that she was a worthy bearer of the Element of Generosity, and she did a *splendid** job.*

Well, here’s my rant, I want you to send this gimp to get buttercupped for the rest of his life. Whether in a pit, in a carriage, or outside for all to see, I just want this pony to get buttercupped. This is the only way for him to remember to get my butter next time.

With no regrets,

Pinkie Pie

**P.S.* First Equestrian Problems, why do you exist?*

Spike

To Whom It May Concern:

I want to let you know, whoever you are, that I am enraged.

Yes, I’m angry due to my ‘mother’, who has been lollygagging around too much for my liking.

No, Celestia, she is not pulling pranks like you suggested, instead, she’s doing the complete opposite.

She’s being *lazy.***

On some days, she's actively reading, doing nothing else but viewing her favorite pieces of literature. On the other remaining days, she is an absolute sludge ball on the couch, lazily laying there and doing nothing while she watches me clean up all her messes. I mean, I can do all these chores for her, but if shes going to not help and be a big slouch, than I don’t want to do any of her shit.

Not to mention, my ass is itchy, and I can’t reach it.

Even though I have these claws, I can’t even reach my ass to get this unbearable itch to leave my midst.

I feel...uncomfortable.

I’m going to go itch my ass on the ground, because there is no other way to stop this.

I’ll just quickly end this letter with how I want you, Celestia, or whoever grabs this letter in their hot little hooves, to handle this situation. I want you to send a letter to her saying that she got demoted to the Royal dishwasher, and she needs to report to Celestia immediately to receive further instructions.

Please, it would be the greatest thing I’ve ever pranked her with. Twilight needs to get scared out of her wits by her own mentor to fix this mess.

Anyway, thank you to whoever does this. I’ll gladly hang out with you if you stroll on over towards the library.

From the only dragon that pranks,

Spike.