The Dark Lord Café

by Jioplip

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, King Sombra, Slice of Life, Crossover
Length: 5561

There's a new coffeehouse in Ponyville, The Dark Lord Café, and it's become the talk of the town. But when Twilight and her friends come to check it out, they can't help but feel that something's off.

There's a new coffeehouse in Ponyville, The Dark Lord Café, and it's become the talk of the town. But when Twilight and her friends come to check it out, they can't help but feel that something's off.

Something... sinister, perhaps? Nahhhh.

Published 2014-03-29 15:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-01 08:11:38 UTC

The Hottest New Place

Twilight Sparkle was taking a leisurely stroll through the streets of Ponyville, just breathing the fresh air as she took a much-needed break from smashing her massive intellect against that blasted box. So naturally she was elated when she spotted Rarity trotting over from across the way.

"Twilight!" she called gleefully as she drew to match Twilight's pace, "just the pony I was hoping to see."

"Oh?" Twilight cocked her head and gave a slight smile, "what is it you need?"

"Nothing much really," Rarity gave her mane a fashionable flip, for fashion's sake, "I was just hoping I could take you to this new café that opened up last week, it's the new hot thing in town."

"Sure," Twilight nodded cheerfully, "I could really use a break, and we haven't hung out in a while."

The two continued on their way, Rarity leading, and kept talking small until they approached their destination.

"And here it is!"

Twilight focused her gaze for the first time on the enigmatic coffeehouse she'd heard almost nothing about, it gave her pause. The outside was decorated in such a way that it looked like a tiny oppressive black castle, complete with a drawbridge over a moat, a twisted iron fence surrounding said moat, a 'toxic' sign next to the moat, and what was very hopefully a fake horned skull of indeterminate origin laying on the ground. The only hint to the building's actual purpose was the horrifically clashing neon sign above the entrance reading 'The Dark Lord Café.'

"I know what you're thinking Twilight," at the sound of her name the purple alicorn shifted her gaze to her pale friend, "but I assure you the interior is much more tasteful, if a tad bleak."

Twilight could only stare in disbelief as Rarity gleefully trotted across the drawbridge and into The Dark Lord Café. A quick shake of the head dispelled her thought that there was something terribly wrong with that sentence and she continued after her friend cautiously. Twilight caught up to Rarity just as she was settling down in a cornor table, and the alicorn took the time before their waiter to peer at the decorations around them.

It was surprisingly tasteful considering the exterior. A beautiful purple and gold carpet laden with intricate patterns wove itself between the tables and ornate black chandeliers lit with violet flames hung overhead. The tables themselves seemed to be carved from black marble and featured a delicate triangular design with another violet-flamed candle as a centrepiece.A recurring theme of darkness seemed to be what the designers were aiming for, but the various touches of gold kept it from feeling overly oppressive.

Twilight's attention was torn from the decorations when she heard a rhythmic thumping approaching her table, but when she turned to see the source of the noise she was left speechless. A towering biped incased from head-to-toe in black spiky armour was slowly walking towards her, a menacing black ring-bound notepad clutched relaxedly in one hand.

"Good afternoon Ms. Rarity," the being somehow managed to be cordial and intimidating at the same time, "and to you, Princess Sparkle, may I have your orders?"

"Good afternoon Lord Sauron," Rarity inclined her head to the titanic being, "I'll have a mocha cappuccino please, what about you Twilight?"

"What?" Twilight glanced between Rarity and Sauron for a few seconds before the question sunk in, "oh right, I'll have the, uh..." it was just then that Twilight realised there were no menus at the table, "I'll have what she's having!" Twilight gave the waiter an enormously awkward smile, though he didn't seem to notice.

"Very well, your orders will be with you in a moment," the Dark Lord Sauron left to fetch the littles ponies their cappuccinos. Just in case you didn't realise what you've been reading thus far.

"Rarity..." Twilight slowly turned to face her friend, who was totally unfazed by the presence of the armoured giant, "what was that?"

"Oh that was Dark Lord Sauron," Rarity once again flipped her mane in a fashionable fashion, "he's one of the waiters here."

Twilight could honestly think of no response to that statement, so instead she resolved herself to attempting to fathom the events of the previous minute.

...

...

...

Nope, not gonna happen.

Thankfully though, Twilight's futile mental twistings were interrupted by yet more rhythmic thumping. The alicorn's eyes widened in surprise when they were laid upon the approaching figure, as instead of Sauron another giant armoured biped was approaching the table with their coffee. And this one wasn't helmeted. The man's skin was green and his well-trimmed and styled hair and beard were flaming red, though Twilight had the hardest time deciding if his large nose, blinding smile, or gleaming forehead gem were his most prominent feature.

"Why Lord Ganondorf, it's not often you come out personally," Rarity tittered fashionably, "what's the occasion?"

"Well that's quite simple my dear," Ganondorf spoke politely as he laid down their drinks, then turning his gaze squarely to Twilight, "I couldn't simply not greet fellow royalty."

"Oh," Twilight snapped out of her perpetual stupor and shifted gears to curiosity, "you're royalty as well?"

"King Ganondorf Dragmire at your service," the bipedal king bowed deeply, "we must speak more at a later date, but I digress, please enjoy your drinks."

Ganondorf left and the ponies finished their drinks and departed, all-in-all Twilight found it an enjoyable place and even settled an exact date to speak with Ganondorf.

But deep within The Dark Lord Café the story was far from over.

Night had fallen on Ponyville, but within the café the Dark Meeting Room was bustling with activity.

The Dark Lord Ganondorf stood before his Dark Lord employees, specifically Dark Lord Sauron, some headless abomination, and the cruelly metrosexual pale Demon Lord Ghirahim.

"Now then people, so far the plan is moving according to plan, but," Ganondorf paced in front of the other Lords as he spoke, "now that Princess Sparkle and I have a set date for our meeting, we have a problem!" Ganondorf stopped pacing to point dramatically at their fell plan, stuck on the wall with tiny blue adhesive blobs, "our patio tables are woefully behind schedule because of the horrid moat stench, and we won't be able to use the princess for publicity if no one can see her patronizing our establishment."

"My apologies Lord Ganondorf," the headless being interjected somehow, "the contractor we hired to drain the moat suffered delays but they assured me that they'd have it taken care of by tomorrow."

"Excellent, if they're as fast as they claim then we might even get the moatlife back up to par by the time the princess and I have our little chat," Ganondorf shook his head woefully as he resumed pacing, "if only we hadn't hired that Kefka fellow then we wouldn't have to deal with a poisoned moat."

"I have good news as well Master," Ghirahim told Ganondorf gaily, "our new sign is supposed to arrive soon, so we can finally do away with that tacky horror up top."

"Very good indeed," Ganondorf nodded and stopped pacing, but soon narrowed his eyes at the headless one, "but unless I'm mistaken Phantom I specifically told you not to leave your head laying around outside."

The headless Phantom reached up to feel for his head, only to find it gone, "Oh consarnit."

"I've said it before and I'll say it again," Ganondorf quickly entered Phantom's personal space and practically yelled in the absence of his face, "when you leave that thing outside it scares off the customers!" Ganondorf backed off and turned around, "do it again and I'll dock your pay, now go pick it up from the break room and don't lose it this time."

Phantom sulked out of the room as Ghirahim and Sauron chuckled quietly at his misfortune. The meeting ended soon after and the Dark Lords went to sleep, each anticipating the coming morning and the productivity it would bring. Phantom stood guard over the café since he doesn't sleep, not that anyone was mad enough to break in.

Author's Note

Hooray new story! Written and published in the space of a morning.

This story was an attempt by me to focus on a more down-to-earth and reasonable comedy, as opposed to my previous random ones. Then again, it was inspired by my recent Brawl in the Family binge so I'm not sure if my mindset is suitable for determining down-to-earth...

Meanwhile, At Other Places...

It was a peaceful day in Appleloosa, bright sun, clear sky, plenty of water, strange artistic rituals, and overall things were just going well. Heck, an incredibly helpful visitor had even come to town.

A bipedal creature dressed in green yadda yadda descriptives it's Link. If anyone reading this doesn't know what Link looks like then I'm not sure why they read this far in.

Link ran through the town holding an incredibly large pie over his head, no doubt the end result of a convoluted fetchquest. The hero nodded to the townsfolk as he passed but never slowed, wary as he was of the time-limit plastered over his vision. Sometimes his Goddess-given gifts confused him, but he was grateful for their assistance.

And so it was that Link ran through and out the town, his goal in sight. Well not really in sight, but he did plant a glowing marker on the spot and he could see that so in a way it was in sight. Regardless, he ran toward his goal and that was the important thing.

Eventually Link came across the buffalo, or buffaloes, or maybe buffalos? Murble. He came across those guys, and more specifically the chief. Link gently laid the giant pie at the chief's hooves and nodded.

"So you've returned with the pie," Chief Thunderhoof reached into... somewhere and pulled out a corked glass bottle, "here's your reward, as we agreed."

Link gingerly accepted the bottle and then quickly spun around and held it over his head, reverently examining it in the noonday sun, only to put it away and face the chief like it never happened. The hero then stared at the chief in a subtly different way.

"So you're looking for more work?" Link nodded to the chief's prompting, "well we do have a few more bottles around, how about you go and see if any of the others need help and come see me for your reward."

Link nodded and ran off to continue his ever-growing bottle collection.

Meanwhile, just outside The Dark Lord Café...

Sauron was paying the workers for their quick moat-draining job, and the air was significantly fresher than before. All was proceeding as planned.

Earstwhile, on the Moon...

Princess Luna, co-ruler of Equestria, master of the moon, and one of the most powerful (native) beings in the universe was locked in a fierce battle for dominance of her celestial orb. Her horn shone brightly, reflecting off the lunar terrain as she pushed a steady stream of intense power into keeping the moon in place.

Her opponent merely laughed at her efforts.

"I won't let you get away with this," the princess growled at the foreign being, "you won't do to Equestria what you did to Termina Majora!"

Indeed, facing down Princess Luna was none other than Majora's Mask itself. The mask's fleshy tendrils had already snaked out of its back and imbedded themselves in the moon's surface.

"Is that so?" Majora's Mask giggled mockingly, "you're just barely holding me off, do you really think you can defeat me?"

"Of course," Luna smirked, "after all, what kind of ruler would I be if I let scum like you have their way?"

"Pancakes!" the mask screamed suddenly, its features contorting dementedly.

An awkward silence filled the lack-of-air as the two beings simply stared at one another and continued their grand magical tug-of-war. How were they speaking in a vacuum anyway?

Laterwhile, in Ganon's Evil Doomcastle...

"Only now do you see the folly of resistance."

Lord Ganondorf stood in front of his grand throne, looking down at the splayed-out body of his phantom which still smoked with dark energies.

"I am sorry... My Lord," Phantom wheezed and coughed on the ground, "I was unable... to save you from corruption."

"This is no corruption Phantom," Ganondorf chuckled darkly as he slowly walked to his prone victim, "this is power, this is the power that rivals the Gods!"

The Dark Lord raised his hand, and the Phantom was no more.

Please Milord, Phantom's consciousness called out even as it disappeared, this is our last chance, you must resist.

Earstwhile, as in the present, in The Dark Lord Café...

Ganondorf stood before a massive red pulsating crystal, and only one thought occured to him in that moment.

"Should I touch it?" he asked himself, and surprisingly a voice called to him from deep inside his subconscious. It seemed to be saying assist, or desist, or... "Of course!" Ganondorf exclaimed, "DESTROY!"

And with a mighty spell he shattered the crystal, destroying its power. But just then Sauron entered the room.

"Hey Ganondorf," he called out as he drew near, "have you seen my cruelty, malice, and will to dominate all life, I swear I left them in a big crystal around here."

"Oopsie," said Ganondorf, "I think I might've destroyed them."

"Oh you," Sauron somehow didn't fume, "I would be angry, but you already destroyed my malice."

That's our Ganondorf!

Meanwhile, in the kitchen...

"You really have never cooked anything before?" Ghirahim stood incredulously in front of the newhire, suddenly regretting that nobody asked this question during the interview.

"That would be correct," Sombra confirmed, looking somewhat uncomfortable being under the Demon Lord's gaze, "I always had servants to cook my meals, so I never learned."

"What about before you were king?" Ghirahim crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow.

Sombra stared at him blankly, "I don't understand the question."

Ghirahim sighed, "This is going to be a long day."

Meanwhile, in the astral sea...

The energies of the cosmos swirled and coiled around the realm's visitors, one familiar, and one not. Celestia sat at a small table across from a red-haired humanoid woman, smiling serenely as she poured them both tea.

"So," Celestia brought her teacup to her muzzle to savour the aroma, "based on Equestria's newest arrival, I'd say your sisters weren't very happy with your plan."

"Unfortunately so," the woman sighed, "Farore was furious, and she wouldn't listen to anything I had to say."

"I see," Celestia grimaced and took a small sip of her tea, "and what of Nayru?"

"Her reaction might have been worse," the woman put her hands gingerly on the sides of her cup, unfazed by the heat, "she refused to even speak to me, and Hylia followed suit."

"But you're still confident in your plan?" Celestia eyed her guest pensively.

"Of course," she replied quickly, a literal fire burning within her eyes, "I have confidence that my champion has the strength of heart needed to break his curse."

"Well you would know," Celestia smirked knowingly, "Din, Goddess of Power."

The two shared a small chuckle at the admittedly corny joke.

"But enough about me," Din finally took a sip of her tea, "how are everyone's favourite Dark Lords doing?"

"They've adapted well, so far," Celestia furrowed her brow and set her cup down, "though unfortunately their foreign magic prevents me from seeing into their walls, so I have no idea if they're planning something."

"I'm sure you could stop them if it got too serious," Din downed the rest of her tea in one gulp, "besides, Eru and I have your back if things ever get out of hand."

"I'm not particularly worried about them," Celestia frowned slightly as she repoured the tea, "the incident with the mask make me uneasy however."

"Yes," Din cradled her tea once more, "it didn't come through either my or Eru's doors, yet it somehow entered your realm."

"That's why I'm worried," Celestia peered into her cup curiously, "if Equestria has become that vulnerable to threats from beyond then I need to know why."

A tense and somber mood filled the air, stifling any hope of conversation. Soon enough their tea was finished, and Celestia bid Din farewell.

Author's Note

What's this? Cosmic story-lines? Emotion-driven conversation? Cryptic plot points? Those weren't part of the plan!

So yeah, I guess this whole segmented scene thing is this story's style now. That's cool.

And for those that are confused by certain parts of Celestia and Din's conversation: You probably haven't played Skyward Sword, since that game contains the plot points that are needed to fully understand what's going on.

Business As Usual...?

Ganondorf awoke bright and early, for he knew what the day held for him and he couldn't have been more excited if his enemies died. After attending to his morning routine he teleported out onto the roof of the Dark Lord Café to meet with him.

"Dapper Discord Day, Ganon," the Draconequus himself bid the Dark Lord, "so, what amazing adventures do you have planned for today?"

"Actually I thought we could just take it easy today," Ganondorf stated simply, "we've had a chapter a day out for the last three days, so I think we deserve it."

"I understand," Discord held a hand up understandingly, "well, I'm off to wish a dapper Discord Day to everypony else, tata."

UPDATE!- 5pm-ish, April 1st, 2014

"I am Darth Vader!" yelled Darth Vader, who was suddenly there, "and I've come to take you all to DISNEYLAND!"

"Yay!" cheered the Dark Lords, even the ones not on the rooftop.

And they all went to Disneyland. The End.

UPDATE 5:30pm-ish, Discord Day, Anno Posted

Except not! For just then Zod entered the Café!

"You will all now take orders from Zod!" said Zod.

"What would you like then, sir Zod?" asked Phantom.

"Zod will have a cappuccino," replied Zod.

And verily did Zod have his cappuccino.

UPDATE! Time, Date, Place, Or is it year?

"Ganondorf you fiend!" Princess Luna soared down from on high, landing elegantly on the rooftop, "this ends now!"

"Whatever do you mean princess?" Ganondorf feigned, sweating nervously.

"You know what I mean!" Luna screeched, tears in her eyes, "why have you broken mi heart in this way?"

"Its because I love yu," sed Ganondorf, "I nevr wanted to hurt yu but I did."

"Nu, mi luv!" Luna objectd, "i msth ve ur luv

"No," Twilight Sparkle dmanded, "stop it Pinkie."

"But Twilight!" the sugar-high pink party planner pony protested, "this romance will go down in the annals of pony fanfiction history!"

"And how do you figure that?" Twilight asked incredulously.

"It's a perfect combination," Pinkie proclaimed, "like Lyra and humans, Nightmare Moon and fillyhood, pegasi and naughtiness, it'll work!"

Twilight sighed, "At least get some sleep then, your spelling in these last bits is just atrocious."

"Ugh, fine."

And so Pinkie got some sleep, and promptly burned her terrible fanfiction upon awakening.

So remember kids: Don't eat tons and tons of candy and write fanfiction.

{This has been a message from Authors Against Bad Fanfiction}

Author's Note

"Dapper Discord Day dear readers!" Discord exclaimed, "I do apologize for a lack of content in today's chapter, but we just couldn't pass up an excuse to be lazy."

That's right Discord, but fear not readers! We will definitely have a real chapter out tomorrow.

But until then, a dapper Discord Day to you all!

Preparations and Applications

Ganondorf Dragmire awoke dark and early, mostly because the café had no windows. The Gerudo King briefly considered that it might be a design flaw, but he assured himself he was just being silly and boldly teleported to the bathroom. Because walking is for peasants.

Once he finished his morning hygiene rituals Ganondorf teleported to the Main Hall, AKA the magically-enlarged room where non-VIP guests are seated, and marveled at its vaulted ceilings and perpetual candlelight.

"Phantom!" he yelled into the semi-darkness, "tell me, what is today's itinerary?"

"Well sir," Phantom spoke as he rose from beneath the tastefully-carpeted floor, his head now firmly attached and inflamed, "the café will be closed for the day, as per the schedule, which is fortunate as we're also having the moat drained today."

"Yes, I'd hate to lose a business day to moat renovations," Ganondorf nodded sagely as he stroked his beard, "But we did have something else scheduled, correct?"

"Oh but of course sire," Phantom exposited gleefully, "we scheduled a series of interviews to replace our pastry chef, since the last one poisoned the moat."

"So we have a number of potential employees but only one opening?" the Dark Lord asked vaudevillianly.

"And the interviews start in fifteen minutes," the Dark Lord's copy revealed cornily.

"But I have to be on the other side of town in an hour to meet with the mayor!" Ganondorf exclaimed dramatically.

"Oh that's fine sir," Phantom floated over to his master with a folder, "according to an obscure Equestrian bylaw I can appear there in your stead."

"Well that's convenient," Ganondorf accepted the folder from his phantom, "so these are the resumes they sent in."

Ganondorf quickly studied the resumes while he made his way over to to interviewing table, where Sauron and Ghirahim were waiting, seated like judges behind a judge-table. It occurred to Ganondorf that he may noy have awoken as early as he had first thought, but he brushed the revelation aside to focus on the uncleverly segmented interview section.

Interview One: Of Hooves and Éclairs

"Good afternoon Zhentlemen, I am Gustav le Grande," before the panel of Dark Lords stood the frenchest griffon they had ever seen, quite promising.

Sauron was the first to speak, "So Mr. le Grande, what feats of fame have you to your name?"

"Er, feats of what now?" the griffin asked perplexedly.

Ghirahim sighed emphatically, "Feats of fame, also known as: Any sort of notoriety you've gained in your field."

"Well, I was zhe joint winner of a prestigious dessert competition in Canterlot last year," Gustav boasted, quite literally fluffing himself up as he did so.

"Joint winner you say?" Ganondorf probed eerily, narrowing his eyes, "please elaborate."

"Well you see, zhe desserts of both mois and mes opponents were left ruined and unfit to enter into the competition," Gustav intoned each syllable with enough emotion to make a vaguely sappy rock cry, the Dark Lords were unimpressed, "but zhen just as all hope seemed lost and the hour of doom grew near, I was shown how camaraderie can save the day!"

The Dark Lords exchanged meaningful glances, Sauron's somehow seeming quite angry through his helmet, before Ganondorf opened his mouth.

"Next!"

Interview Two: Feathers and Hands

"So then... Lyra," Ghirahim began, "your resume is certainly interesting, it make me fear for my hands yes, but it's interesting."

"Yes, I'm very passionate about attaining this position," as Lyra spoke her mouth barely moved from the unsettling grin she fixed onto the Dark Lords, "I assure you that I would make a 'handy' addition to the team."

The Dark Lords didn't even need a moment to consider.

"Next," Sauron intoned gravely.

"Wait no please!" Lyra pleaded, "please give me another chance my friend Bonbon will vouch for me this job means so much to me I'll do anything just please offer me a shred of forgiveness."

"While your groveling was impressive we're looking for a pastry chef, not a peon," Ganondorf slowly rose from his chair and leaned over the table menacingly, "now please vacate the area and allow the next applicant to come in."

"Yes sir," Lyra's response came with the natural ease of the oft scolded, and her meek walk was superb.

"Y'know," Ghirahim smiled slightly at the sight, "if we ever do need a peon, we should call her up."

The other Dark Lords agreed as they all shuffled to their own copy of the next applicant's resume.

Interview Three: I Think I Messed Up the Other Titles

"So Ms. Bonbon, I take it that you're Lyra's friend?" Ganondorf asked brusquely.

"Yes well," Bonbon seemed keen on avoiding eye contact, "can I just say that I'm sorry for whatever she may have done or said and I really wish I had gone before her?"

The Dark Lords exchanged appreciative glances, that kind of mildly cutthroat behavior went a long way in their minds.

"Well your resume lists a lot of work experience in Customer Service, but very little in regards to your jobs in the kitchen," Sauron presumably locked her with a look beneath his helmet, "now don't take this personally, but your credentials for the position are somewhat lacking."

"I understand that," Bonbon stared forward almost defiantly as she spoke, "but I've been working as a cashier for far too long, I'm confident in my ability and I have a serious passion for the work, all I ask is a chance to show you my skills."

The Dark Lords exchanged a long series of contemplative looks, and Bonbon began to sweat. The Dark Lords contemplated and Bonbon persperated. Perspired. Whatever, it rhymed.

"Well," Ghirahim began slowly, breaking the tense silence, "we'll keep you under consideration."

"Thank you sirs," Bonbon inclined her head a moderate amount, "I'll await your decision," with that, Bonbon left the room under the considering gaze of the Dark Lords.

"Her ambition is promising," noted Sauron appreciatively.

"It's not quite arrogance," Ganondorf chewed his cheek pensively, "but there's always room for improvement."

"It's just a shame she has no misdeeds under her belt," Ghirahim sighed and shook his head, "still, she's the best applicant we've seen today."

The Dark Lords found agreement in that statement and began preparations for the next interview.

Interview Four: Dragons Are a Tad More Intimidating Where We Come From

"So here we have one 'Spike the Dragon,' correct?" Ghirahim eyed the tiny purple... thing critically. It did somewhat resemble a dragon.

"Uh, yeah, that's me," Spike looked around sheepishly as he twiddled his claws, "I was hoping that if I got a job that I might be able to pay back Twilight a bit."

The Dark Lords had quite a bit to consider. On the one hand he was connected to a Princess, which means hiring them would gain them connections. On the other hand his resume only listed previous work history as a PA, so he might not be up to snuff as a pastry chef.

Besides, they already had a plan to abuse that royal connection.

A short glance between them was all that was needed to deliberate.

"Unfortunately while you do come highly recommended, we can't in conscious accept an applicant with no experience in the field," Sauron informed the young drake evenly, "don't take it personally."

"Oh, no I understand," Spike said sadly while he hopped from his stool and strode for the exit, "I'm sorry for wasting your time."

The Dark Lords simply watched him leave expressionlessly, and then prepared for the next applicant silently.

Intermission One: Phantom Ganon in- Everfree Dance Party

Phantom Ganon flew leisurely through the Everfree Forest one night, when suddenly he stopped and looked all around. Once he was satisfied he was alone he busted a teeny tiny move, then glared around desperately for judging eyes. He saw none.

Success.

Interview Five: Job Application Seminar

"Good afternoon, Dark Lords and other assorted ne'er-do-wells," began Iron Will as he strode confidently into the room, "I, Iron Will, am her to tell all of you!" he pointed to the Dark Lords dramatically with a whip sound and all, "should hire me!" Iron Will pointed both thumbs at his chest, whip sound included.

Ganondorf idly studied Iron Will's resume, completely ignoring the minotaur himself, "Well Mr. Will, I can't help but notice that you have no work experience in the field of the position you are applying for."

"Iron Will NEEDS no work experience," Iron Will started pacing back and forth in front of the Dark Lords, "Iron Will plans to use his fortitude and determination to excel at the position regardless!"

The Dark Lords shared a brief incredulous look before Ghirahim spoke.

"Next!"

Interview Six: Potentially Out of Our League

"So, just give me a body and I'll be glad to work for you."

An awkward silence befell the Dark Lords as they stared at the creepy jar of smoke seated on the stool in front of them.

Sauron cleared his throat, "No offense meant Mr. uh, Hades," he paused as he considered his words carefully, "but we really aren't stupid enough to fall for that, we're not heroes you know."

"Oh well," despite his bodiless state, Hades seemed rather amicable about the whole thing, "I was pretty well just hoping there would be a reasonless anarchist among you."

A chill passed through Ganondorf's spine as he was somehow even more thankful that Kefka wasn't around anymore.

"Well, it was nice meeting you anyway Ganny, toodle-oo!" The mysterious jar disappeared mysteriously, leaving nothing but a faint taste of bile in Ganondorf's mouth.

"New rule," the Gerudo King stated gravely, "no hiring dead gods, period."

Interview Seven: Admit It, You've Been Waiting for This One

"My name's Pinkie Pie, I was working as an apprentice baker at Sugarcube Corner but I recently completed my apprenticeship and I'm looking to gain more work experience," Pinkie Pie quite joyously recounted her tale, bobbing her head and motioning with her hooves a bit more than is strictly necessary, "I already have a fair amount of work experience and I've memorized a large number of recipes so you won't need to take me through an orientation period or anything like that."

Ganondorf silently perused her resume, deliberately avoiding her gaze to let her steam a little. It was good. Heck it was the best they'd seen all day in terms of technical applicability, but...

She's such a goody-two-shoes I feel physically ill next to her, thought the Gerudo King, and yet I also sense buried waves of dispair and anger. She should probably see a counselor or something.

"Well," Ganondorf finally began, "while your technical skill is impressive, The Dark Lord Cafè is about much more than simply providing food service to our guests."

"What do you mean?" Pinkie leaned in somewhat conspiratorially, "what is this place really about?"

"Ghirahim," the green-skinned man motioned to his pale associate, "take it away."

The Demon Lord arose from his chair elegantly, his cloak disappearing into luminescent diamonds, "Well you see Ms. Pie, this café serves double duty as a playground for the dark and sordid aesthetic desires of the average pony."

Pinkie Pie stared at him blankly. Sauron stared at him blankly. Ganondorf stared at him somewhat irritatedly.

"In plainspeak Ghirahim," Ganondorf coldly scolded.

"As you wish Master," Ghirahim composed himself and restated, "to put it simply, The Dark Lord Café provides a certain macabre aesthetic to its clients: That of a villain."

"A villain?" Pinkie tilted her head quizzically, "and how do you do that?"

"Ornate carpeting, violet flames, vaulted ceilings, a dark oppressive atmosphere," Ghirahim smiled a twisted smile, "it certainly sets the mood."

"It's just as he says," Ganondorf stood so he'd tower over his applicant, "we have a duty to maintain the force and style of a Dark Lord, is that something you think you can do?"

"Actually I'm not sure this is the job for me," Pinkie said timidly as she backed towards the exit.

"I think that's the wisest decision."

Interview Eight: Cloaks are in this season

The final applicant for the job sauntered in, covered almost completely by a sweltering cloak. What little of him that could be seen was nearly as dark as the shadows cast by his cloak. Silently he approached the table and stood in front of the assembled Dark Lords.

"So then Mr. Dreary Nightshade," Ganondorf addressed the cloaked pony over tented fingers, "why is it that you have come to work for us?"

"My reason is simple," Nightshade spoke with a deep voice that caused his hood to waver slightly, "I've heard tell that this place is a gathering point for powerful beings with, shall we say, sordid pasts."

"It could be considered as such," Ganondorf peered suspiciously at the pony, "but why would such a place interest you, Nightshade?"

"Because my name isn't Nightshade," a disturbed burbling emanated from the hood as it flipped back, revealing Nightshade's true face, "I am King Sombra, enslaver of the Crystal Empire, master of forbidden magics, conquerer of souls, and one of the few beings to survive direct combat with Luna and Celestia."

The Dark Lords took a measured glance at one another before facing Sombra and speaking as one.

"You're hired."

Intermission Two: A Brighter Perspective

Pinkie Pie backed away slowly from the Dark Lords, What weirdos, she thought as she turned to leave. As she left she passed by a strange pony in a heavy cloak, Well, at least they'll probably get along well, were her thoughts on the matter.

And so Pinkie trotted off, content in the knowledge that the goths would keep each other company.