No Bucks

by 71NYL-5CR4TCH

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6
Length: 10870

We only have so many bucks to give.

It is a little-known fact that all living beings are born with a finite amount of bucks to give. It is little-know due to the fact that most ponies will die long before all of their bucks could been given. But Twilight Sparkle seems to give a buck about everything, and she's depleting her storage far too quickly. This is what happens when Twilight Sparkle runs out of bucks.

inspired by the youtube video: "Not Giving A F**k" by JonLajoie

Published 2014-03-29 17:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-13 16:47:19 UTC

The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back

It is a little-known fact that all living beings, great or small, are born with a finite amount of bucks to give. The beasts of the wild are born with few, as few issues come to stress them, mainly just survival, food and water, and reproduction. Past that, most animals simply don't give a buck, with few exceptions, mainly in domesticated pets, and only towards their owners.

The superiorly intelligent races of ponies, donkeys, and other like minded creatures are born with a surpassingly large amount of bucks, to help carry them through daily stresses and responsibilities. The well being of friends and family, laws, taxes, and politics, all largely pressure the pony psyche, and thus, evolution has equipped them with more and more bucks to give.

The race of alicorns, however, are a curious breed. While their physiology allows for immortality, they are born with an amount of bucks fairly equal to the average pony, and instead use superior intelligence to delegate these bucks to only the most pressing of matters, and forcing many other decisions to the trows of logic to minimize buck giving.

This evolution has shown that ponies very rarely run out of bucks to give before they pass on. Exceptions have been seen within the community of severely elderly ponies, but due to their inability to produce any true catastrophe, this has not been recognized as an absence of bucks. It has been recognized as "dementia", or more simply, a mental affliction of the elderly.

An instance where a pony has run out of bucks while still in his or her prime is exceedingly rare, happening only once in recorded history, to a young princess alicorn known as Twilight Sparkle.

This is the story of that day.

The sun hung low in the horizon of the quiet mountain town of Ponyville. For the majority of its citizens, it was an ordinary, albeit beautiful day. Outside of the tree library, all seemed peaceful and serene. Gentle clouds rolled across the skyline, birds sang merrily, and a gentle wind brought about a soothing and cooling breeze to rustle the trees. Everything was calm and relaxed.

Inside of the Ponyville Tree Library, things were not so.

Twilight paced about frantically, grinding her teeth as her mane sparked out in all directions. She had just received a letter, which brought about great stress, from her mentor and teacher, Princess Celestia. The parchment was simple. The calligraphy, well written and calm, much like the voice which wrote it. The message contained within was simple, with no hint of need cause alarm.

My Faithful Student Princess Twilight,

Due to current tensions within Saddle-Arabia due to a trade embargo, my sister and I will be temporarily visiting their capital in order to maintain diplomacy.

I expect to return within 3 days and nights.

However, in the meantime, you will be standing as our replacements.

Do not worry about raising the sun and moon, Luna and I can manage from here, and do not concern yourself with any official meetings, as they have all been rescheduled.

Feel free to stay in the palace if you wish, but you may of course stay at home if you desire.

All you need to do is keep an eye out for danger, and let us know if there is an emergency.

Yours Truly,
Princess Celestia

The purple alicorn ran rampant, flinging books on diplomacy, proper running of a monarchy, and even 'Ruling a Country for Dummies' from the shelves of her library, frantically reading through each page.

"UGH! This is hopeless Spike! There's nothing in here that can even help me run Equestria! I don't have the first idea what I'm supposed to do!" The frantic alicorn fumed.

"Uh, Twilight? No offense but I don't think you have to 'do' anything. I think you just have to, you know, exist and serve as somepony to come to if things get bad. And its only 3 days, I don't think anything too crazy will happen." The purple dragon reassured.

"But that's just it Spike! What if something does happen?! What if Princess Celestia and Luna get stuck in Saddle Arabia and I have to be the new princess?! What if there's some big disaster and I don't know how to handle it?! *GASP* WHAT IF ANOTHER COUNTRY INVADES?! I'll have to prepare for war! I'll have to defend the country and-" a small purple claw reached up and pinched her mouth shut.

"Twilight, seriously. You're overthinking this. Everything will be fine, just calm down."

"NO SPIKE! I will not calm down! I need to learn how to run a country by TOMORROW and everything has to be perfect or else I could mess up all of Equestria and then...

and then..."

Inside of twilight, an invisible gauge pointed E.

Twilight never finished her thought.

Instead there was silence, as Twilight just stared into space, her expression empty and void.

Then, something happened.

Twilight tried to care. She tried so, so hard but...

It just wasn't there.

She tried to give the slightest buck about everything and anything but was instead met with an exhausted feeling that quickly decided,

'Meh, buck it.'

Her buck supply had been running low for a long time, unnoticed by her. For her, such an enormous task required an excessive amount of bucks, and she was running on fumes.

This had exhausted her recourses. They were gone, all gone.

Twilight Sparkle had completely an totally run out of bucks to give.

Twilight turned to Spike with a tired face, her hair a mess and her eyes half dropped.

"Ya know what Spike? I'm going out on the town. You're in charge."

"What? But Twilight, I can't be in charge, Princess Celestia specifically choose you!" The tiny dragon protested.

"Yeah...you know what Spike?" Twilight turned to her faithful you assistant of many years and simply stated,

"I just don't give a buck."

Patrick Swayze

Twilight strolled through the peaceful town of Ponyville, in search of nothing in particular, as honestly, wherever she would end up...

She didn't give a buck.

She had been saving up her bits for the brand new 'Quillomatic 7000' as a birthday gift for Spike to ease his claw cramps and make his job far more simple. But now...

She just didn't give a buck.

Twilight looked around the streets to see friendly ponies waving and smiling, albeit with a bit concern, at their new local princess. Twilight could hear small whispers amongst the townfolk along the lines of 'what's wrong with her?' and 'she looks like a mess!' but honestly...

She couldn't give a buck.

Twilight decided than an opportune place to be at that particular moment was the local watering hole for the working class laborers of the town. Also known as 'the sketchiest bar in 500 miles', The Smiling Skull Saloon. It was far from her scene, but really, it wasn't like she gave a buck.

As she entered the premises she noticed, though ignored, the shocked stares from the gruff and rugged patrons of the bar. Sure they were used to seeing Twilight around town, but now she was Princess Twilight, and that alone caused a sense of distance between them. Now she was in an establishment like this? Something was clearly amiss.

Twilight sat down at the bar as a cream colored and lanky stallion came up to take her order.

"Um...what can I get you, your uh- your highness?" He asked nervously, unsure, like the customers, of just why she was there.

Twilight's eyes scanned the shelves of liquor behind the stallion before pointing a hoof at one particular bottle.

"I want a bottle of Applejack Daniels." She answered dully.

"Uh...a bottle, your highness?"

"Yup."

"Well we don't normally sell, um, bottles of hard alcohol..." He answered tentatively.

Twilight just stared at him. Wordless. Emotionless.

"But for your highness I'm sure we could make an exception." He quickly reassured, pulling out a fresh bottle and placing it on the counter.

"That'll be 34 bits, you highness."

Again, Twilight just stared.

"Y-you know what? It's on the house!" He quickly corrected.

"...neat." She replied, before levitating the bottle, unscrewing the cap, and beginning to chug.

About this bar were some hard alcoholics. Some war veterans. Even some royal guards, probably some of the toughest stallions in the region. Yet aside from Twilight, there was not a single easy stomach in the bar.

After finishing about half the bottle she set it down and began digging through the saddlebags of the pony next to her. He remained completely unmoving and silent, trying very hard to understand what exactly was happening around him.

Suddenly, Twilight pulled out a small blue box with the word 'Viagra' printed across the side. She looked the stallion, likely only in his late 30's, in the eyes before commenting, "Well that sucks for you dude," and proceeding to eat the entire box of pills like tic-tacs.

The bar was silent, aside from the occasional crunching of pills followed by 'glugs' of alcohol being swallowed.

"Is that...uh...safe, your highness?" The bartender asked tentatively.

"I unno." She replied, blue bits of pill falling from her mouth as she did so. She suddenly swiveled in the bar booth to face the crowd behind her, all staring in disbelief at the scene that just unfolded.

"Anypony here got sunglasses?" She asked rather loudly.

"Uh, I do." One stallion answered from the crowd.

"Gimmie."

"Uh, yes, your highness." He silently gave Twilight his sunglasses as she levitated them over her eyes.

"So..." She paused, munching on another hoofull of viagra, "Whose got the biggest dick here?"

Again, silence.

"Come on, I'm not being figurative here, I mean it, who's hanging lowest?" She asked before chugging another quarter of the bottle.

Slowly, nervously, one hoof raised into the air.

"Uh...I think I might..?" The stallion answered, utterly horrified.

There were a few more seconds of silence as Twilight swallowed the last of the blue pills.

"Well step on up."

4 hours later

Twilight left the bar, now wearing a suit jacket and sunglasses (despite the sun having long since gone down) smoking 3 cigarettes simultaneously and levitating a mostly finished bottle of Applejack Daniels.

Behind her, as the bar doors swung open and close, the faces of the patrons could be seen. Every jaw was agape, every pupil the size of pinpricks, and one stallion lying in the fetal position on the floor of the bar, rocking back and forth. Finally, after a couple of seconds of silence, the pony on the floor finally half screamed, half cried,

"WHO THE BUCK IS PATRICK SWAYZE AND WHY DID THE PRINCESS KEEP TELLING ME TO SAY HIS NAME?!"

Twilight grinned as she screened the town.

She was Patrick Swayze, bitch.

However, Twilight (or Patrick Swayze) was now hungry and determined it was time to eat.

This late however, she only knew of one restaurant that would still be open; Pizza Stable.

She made her way through town, puffing on her 3 cigarettes as she walked. A few ponies made comments as she walked by.

"Princess Twilight smokes?"

"How revolting!"

"What kind of message does that send the little ones?!"

Not that she gave a buck.

Finally she walked up to the Pizza Stable and instead of opening the glass door, decided it would take less effort to walk through the glass door, shattering it seemingly effortlessly.

The stallion behind the counter was young, covered in acne, lanky, reeked of magic grass and had very, very red eyes.

"Uh, welcome to Pizza Stable, princess, what can I get for you?" He asked, visually rattled not only by the fact that a princess was in the restaurant, but also that she just shattered the door without blinking. "Also, princess, you, uh, you aren't supposed to smoke in here." He commented while starring at the 3 lit cigarettes in her mouth.

"Yeah can I get a pizza with just, like, everything on it?" She asked, deciding she really didn't give a buck what was on the pizza.

"Everything?" He asked.

"Yeah. You smell like magic grass, kid." She answered.

"I...um...I don't know what you're talking about..." The young stallion answered, sweating profusely.

"Yeah you do. I want it on the pizza." She replied.

"You...you want me to put...magic grass...on your pizza?"

"Yeah, and can I get a dozen chocolate lava cakes too?" She asked.

To deal with this situation sober was next to impossible.

To do it high was just too much.

"You got it princess, coming right up."

Twilight nodded and sat on the dirty restaurant floor waiting for her order. The stallion went back to the kitchen to prepare the pizza for the obviously not real princess sitting on the restaurant floor. He had accepted it. He was just too high for this to be real life.

"So yo, princess, you aren't going to uh...tell anypony about this right? Like, you keep my secret I keep yours?"

"Yeah, sure dude."

The stallion nodded. Yup. This was all a dream. He was idiotically putting all the rest of his magic grass on a pizza, which he would bake in the company oven, only to realize nopony was there and he was just that baked. That's what was happening. Yup.

As he finished the pizza and dozen lava cakes he turned around, surprised to see the alicorn unicorn was, in fact, still there, finishing a bottle of whiskey before throwing it out the hole she made in the building's entrance.

There was a shatter, and a loud scream of 'MY LEG!' but Twilight didn't seem to notice.

Shocked and still convinced he would wake up from this experience anytime now he handed the pizza over the counter to the princess, who grasped it with her magic. Effortlessly, she levitated a substantial amount of bits and the butts from her 3 cigarettes onto the counter.

"Keep the change," She stated while walking out the first hole she created, beginning to feast on the first slice of drug infused pizza.

The stallion stared as she left the building, and looked back to the pile of money (worth far more than the pizza and cakes) before blinking twice. He shrugged, placing the proper amount into the register and pocketing the rest. He began to clean the kitchen, so it would be prepared for his next, and hopefully less unreal, order, when he noticed that the mushroom topping container was still sealed in it's place, despite the fact that he very distinctly remembered putting mushrooms on the pizza. On the counter, was instead an empty small ziplock bag that had earlier been filled with some other mushrooms in his pocket.

Realizing what he had done, he turned to the window to warn his princess, only to notice she as already gone.

"Oops..."

Rick James

2 hours after the pizza incident

The pizza shop stallion stared emptily into space. Why the shop was open this late, he would never know, it wasn't like anypony ever came in to order something this late. He had finished cleaning the broken glass from the floor and put the kitchen back in order, however, just in case another pony did decide they wanted pizza at...2:43 in the morning. Explaining that happened to the door to his manager would be a beast of a different nature, but...

He was still too high to give a buck of about that.

Still, for the moment, everything was peaceful, as Princess Luna had created a beautiful night for him to work on. Aside from the quiet peeps of crickets outside the restaurant, everything was very quiet, and still.

Until faintly, ever so faintly, he heard what sounded like a mare yelling. Her voice was raspy, grumpy and very irritated, as it filled the night. It sounded like it was coming from the edge of town, but was rapidly getting louder and clearer.

In the distance, he began to make out two figures, both flyers, rocketing through the sleeping town. As they got closer still, he recognized the one closest to him as the princess he had served not long ago, this time, however, with a several earrings, and a large amount of something brown and sticky covering her face. The other, a cyan blue pegasus, was in hot pursuit, with a large stain of the brown material over the side of her flank.

As the Princess zoomed by, she screamed at the pegasus in pursuit,

"YOU CAN'T CATCH ME! I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH!"

Followed by an irritated, "TWILIGHT, GET BACK HERE!"

The stallion was deeply worried and disgusted by the scene which had just unraveled in front of him. However, his disgust quickly faded into confusion as he mused, "It smells like chocolate lava cake..."

Where we left off

Twilight quickly devoured the remainder of the pizza she had recently purchased, no longer bothering to tear apart the slices. Her hunger satiated, she looked to the dozen chocolate lava cakes she had purchased and realized she no longer wanted to eat them. Blinking a couple of times, she took one of the cakes in hoof and smashed herself face-first into the confectionary, covering her face and the front of her mane in the sickly-sweet brown goop. The rest of the cakes were stashed in various pockets of her stolen, 3 sizes too big, suit-jacket.

She decided she was no longer Patrick Swayze.

She was Rick James, bitch, and everybody better recognize.

It is at this point the narrator should probably mention that Princess Twilight had never been one for breaking the law, or even getting intoxicated legally. Upon recap, the princess was feeling the effects of the following simultaneously: 1 bottle of hard alcohol, 30 pills of viagra, enough magic grass to last a hard-core grass-head about 2 weeks, and enough shrooms to send a full-grown buffalo on one hell of a spirit quest. The alcohol and viagra had long since taken effect, but were still very much in her system. The magic grass and shrooms however, were just beginning to take effect. It is at this point that the narrator will temporarily split the story into 2 alternating perspectives, what Twilight saw, and what was really going on.

What Twilight saw was herself, R&B legend Rick James cruising through a cool-cat metropolis looking for his next gig at a smooth jazz bar.

What Twilight did, was stagger through the streets making bad trumpet noises with her mouth.

Rick James came across a rather happening establishment, soft light and cigarette smoke pouring from the windows while the sounds of saxophone sweetened the air.

Twilight said "cool man, cool." while staring into the windows of the local 24 hour laundromat.

As Rick entered the bar, he was greeted by the familiar snaps and whistles of all his longtime fans as his band began to set up. He cooly asked the bartender for a drink and the bartender nodded, sliding over a glass of his favorite scotch with a wink.

Twilight wandered into the laundromat, met with a few confused stares by the late-night residents of the town and a few bat-ponies, as she walked on her two hind legs while clapping her hooves together, eyes closed, grinning. She suddenly leaned on one of the washing machines and picked up a bottle of fabric softener, and took a few sips. (DO NOT DRINK FABRIC SOFTENER. DON'T DO ANY OF THE OTHER THINGS TWILIGHT HAS DONE SO FAR EITHER, BUT MOST OF ALL DO NOT DRINK FABRIC SOFTENER.)

Rick James hopped up on stage as his band finished warming up. He pulled at his jacket collar, cleared his throat and began to sing one of the bars favorite tunes.

Twilight hopped on top of the washing machine and began a horrendous, slurred, and off-key version of 'Super Freak' in the middle of the chorus, wailing "SHEH'S A SHUPAH FREEK, DUPER FREEK, SHEH'S SHOOPAH FREEKAY, YEAH!"

Rick James was met with wild applause from the bars many patrons, humbling nodding before hopping off stage and calmly rolling himself a cigarette, returning to the street.

Twilight screamed "THANK YOU, THANKS YEAH YOUSVE BEEN GRRRRRRREAT!" Before diving off the washing machine, landing face-first into the linoleum floor. She quickly got up, righted herself, and began to roll a dryer sheet into a tube. She placed the dryer sheet tube into her mouth, magically lit the other end, and walked back outside.

The laundromat remained silent for her departure, apart from the whirring of dryers and washers.

Twilight continued to walk through the streets, aimlessly and bucklessly, while smoking her rolled up dryer sheet. (DON'T SMOKE DRYER SHEETS EITHER, YOU IDIOT.)

Rick James continued to walk down the city street, steps in tandem with the jazz around him, while drawing on his perfectly rolled, sweet cigarette. Suddenly, Rick James saw his record producer, a real fly gal, Rainy Dee walking through the streets, smiling and waving at him.

Twilight staggered about until she saw her friend, Rainbow Dash, trotting up to her with a concerned look in her eyes.

"Twilight, what's up? You seem...weird. What's all over your face? And...why are you smoking a dryer sheet?"

Now Ricky had never been a player, but he could never deny the romantic and sexual tensions that had been surmounting between himself and his record producer. He had always wanted to make a move, ask her out to a fancy dinner, but they were professionals, and the time never seemed right, you know?

Twilight just stared at Rainbow Dash for a few seconds, blinking slowly.

"Uh...Equestria to Twilight, you in there?"

Rick James' mood took a turn for the worse; who was this Twilight cat? And how could Rainy Dee possibly mix the two of them up?! They worked together, and damn, he was Rick James!

"Whoze Twieliet?" was all Twilight could manage.

Rainbow Dash's look of concern grew. Sure, she didn't seem to really be herself, and it was long past her friend's self scheduled bed time, but this was definitely her.

"Um...you're Twilight, Twilight."

Rick James fumed, he'd be damned if he lost this hot piece of ass to some joker named Twilight, he was Rick James, and Rick James takes what he wants.

Twilight pulled a chocolate lava cake out of pocket and stared at it for a moment before looking back to Rainbow Dash. Twilight stared at the cake, then back to Dash. Cake. Dash. Cake. Dash.

"That's a...that's a nice cake you got there..."

Rick James cooly offered to take Rainy Dee out for some cake.

Twilight promptly slapped Rainbow Dash on the ass with an entire chocolate lava cake.

"TWILIGHT!" Rainbow Dash jumped, her flank now covered with the chunky, gooey cake, "What the hay?!"

Twilight smiled before taking off into the sky, laughing at the mare now left in her dust. Rainbow Dash quickly took off after her. Twilight was obviously under some kind of spell, and she'd bet anything that Discord was behind it, but for now, she had to restrain her friend before she hurt herself or somepony else.

Twilight turned around noticing the pegasus in hot pursuit, screaming,

"YOU CAN'T CATCH ME! I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH"

Give It To Me Baby

As the pair darted through the town, Rainbow Dash suddenly realized she was losing ground. How was Twilight going this fast?! At their last flying session she was just beginning to maneuver, let alone rapidly zig-zagging in erratic patterns through the city streets.

Rick James was leading his girl through the streets of the city, eager to sweeten her up with some confectionaries.

Eventually, Rainbow Dash fell too far behind, losing her friend within the city streets. Rainbow Dash was very concerned, who knew what kind of trouble Twilight could get into while under Discord's spell! After all, now that she was a princess, she had a reputation to maintain!

Rick James acknowledged that Rainy Dee was no longer there, and he shrugged, continuing about his walk of the city. As he meandered the streets he noticed another building, also alive with music and commotion. He noticed that this wasn't another jazz bar, this was a rocking night club, and he knew he could really get the party going.

Twilight stood outside the Ponyville police station, head bobbing, before heading to the front door.

Rick James nodded at the bouncer, quickly being allowed inside. He was Rick James, after all. Inside the lights were bright and plentiful, and strange electronic music was playing. Rick James had a responsibility to show these poor folks some real good music, and show them he would.

Twilight nodded at a police stallion standing outside the station before spinning around and bucking the doors wide open, taking a bite out of the guard stallion's doughnut, and walking inside, leaving the guard stallion confused and doughnut-less. He decided this was not part of his job (it was exactly his job) and he decided to go get another doughnut from Pony Joe.

The inside of the station was full of ringing telephones and a lone frantic mare, receiving a myriad of concerned calls, all about an 'out of control princess'.

The mare dropped her phone and stared at Twilight, silent and alone, as all other officers were out looking for the very mare in front of her.

"Uh, Princess? Thank you for coming in, we've received some concerned calls about you, are you feeling alright? Also, what's all over your face?"

Rick James parted the crowd of party-going ponies like Moses parted the sea. The entire club fell silent as he approached the stage, and the current disk jockey paused his track to look at Rick James.

"Well if it isn't my old nemesis, Rick James...We meet again."

"Skrillex..." Rick James replied, his voice dripping with malice towards his ancient foe.

Twilight staggered a bit before narrowing her eyes at the dispatcher. "Skrillex..." she mumbled.

"You honestly believe you can come into my club?! INTO MY TURF?! Our fight ends here Rick, and you will fall by my MacBook." Skrillex stated confidently from the stage.

"What? What's a 'Skrillex'?" The dispatcher replied.

"We'll see about that, Skrillex! I know you have imprisoned the minds of these innocent folks, but the raw power of my funk will set them free." Rick James answered, ready to battle. "YOUR MUSIC HAS NO SOUL, SKRILLEX! And that will be its downfall."

Twilight mumbled before screaming "TH' POWER OF FUNK COMPLELS YOU!" And diving at the unfortunate mare.

Their battle was one of awe as the hypnotized patrons below stared on in shock. The two musical legends dueled fiercely, deep and powerful wubs clashing agains the high, intense love and great passion or Rick James' voice.

Twilight swung at the dispatcher while shrieking, "GIVE IT TO ME BAYBAH!", missed, and fell forward. Her ass quickly rolled over her head and landed on the dispatchers face with a dull 'thunk', knocking her unconscious.

Eventually, the deep felt soul of Rick James overpowered the many noises and bleeps of Skrillex. Rick James charged his final attack with a flying summersault and released a torrent of soul. In an explosion of raw musical energy, Skrillex fell. The spell was broken, and the many club-goers cheered for their savior, finally being free of the enrapturing noises. Rick James bowed humbly, and grabbed the microphone to address his new fans.

Twilight wobbled over the unconscious mare and grabbed the microphone of the dispatcher's radio.

"You are all free now! But do not thank me alone! For ultimately, it was the power of funk which has freed you. However, if any fly honeys wanna join me in the VIP lounge, I won't be puttin' up much of a fuss." He announced with a smile, ending with a cheeky wink.

Twilight screamed into the police radio, "I WIN! I, RICK JAMES, AM TH' GOD OF FUNKY!"

Rick James cooly walked to the VIP room to find a large pile of cocaine, a generous present from the many club-goers. Now Rick James always did love a bit of powder to keep the party happening, so who was he to refuse?

Twilight walked into the evidence locker and did, in fact, find a labeled bag of cocaine sitting on a shelf.

Rick James dove face first into the cocaine, inhaling deeply through his nose. After a second he rose up, eyes the size of saucers and screamed "GOD I LOVE COCAINE!"

Twilight really did do that bit.

(DO NOT SNORT COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF COCAINE. REALLY, YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING COCAINE AT ALL BUT I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER SO IF YOU REALLY WANT TO IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN STOP YOU BUT REALLY, LIKE, BE SENSIBLE ABOUT IT AND JUST DO HUMAN SERVINGS, HOWEVER MUCH THAT IS. YOU CAN DEFINITELY O.D. ON COKE SO LIKE DON'T DO THAT SHIT M'KAY? YOU ARE NOT CHARLIE SHEEN. UNLESS CHARLIE SHEEN IS READING THIS WHICH IS REALLY WICKED AND WE SHOULD RAGE SOMETIME. BUT EVERYONE ELSE, JUST...JUST DON'T DO IT.)

PPD

Author's Note

For those of you who don't know, cocaine is a stimulant, or what we call an 'upper'. All previous drugs twilight had ingested to this point had been suppressants, depressants, or hallucinogens (downers) save the viagra. When a person (pony) takes uppers after downers, the effects may seem, to them, to 'cancel out' in a way. The person (pony) will feel much more 'sobered up', although they will simply be a much more alert and active drunk, high, or tripping. Uppers with hallucinogens will actually create a reduction of hallucination by increasing mental processing speed, allowing for the intoxicated individual to more easily differentiate their hallucinations (though still present) from reality. However, cocaine is highly addictive due to its 'crash', or extreme sleepiness, depression, and general tiredness which occur after the cocaine has been processed. Cocaine does not last very long in the system (10 to 20 minutes), and thus people (ponies) are constantly seeking their next fix, hoping to access it before the crash to prevent feeling horrible. Eventually, they will simply pass out from exhaustion, and the resulting 'hangover' (withdrawal) is excruciatingly painful, horrible, and downright disgusting. I include this information for my unintentionally ignorant older viewers and impressionable younger viewers. Cocaine is a horrible drug, and trust me, the crash is awful, and not at all worth the high, or the money, or looking cool to impress some girl or guy. Kids, don't do drugs. Peers, don't do cocaine (or a lot of other drugs for that matter). It ain't fun.

PPD

Twilight's pupils shrunk to the size of pinpricks as her face shot up from the bag of cocaine before her. White powder now caked her muzzle as she looked about her surroundings. She began to see the nightclub fade into a more sterile, less noisy environment, the chatter of the other club goers and music slowly fading from distinct, to blurry, to a repetitive ringing sound. The deep lavender walls of the VIP room began to lighten to a dull cream, and the burgundy curtains melted into a dark sage metal door reading 'EVIDENCE'. Twilight shook her head as the scene began to become more and more distinct albeit a bit wobbly. The building didn't look at all familiar to her, and she had no idea where she was.

Not that she gave a buck.

Shaking her head again she began to walk out of the evidence locker and looked around. In the room was a desk with several telephones, notepads, and a pair of handcuffs. Behind the desk was an unconscious, possibly dead, mare in a navy cloth uniform with a shiny golden badge. The uniform read 'PPD', and acronym she recognized to mean 'Ponyville Police Department'.

On the other side of the room were some small, but comparatively clean jail cells. They each contained a hay bunk, chrome toilet, and were sealed by old-fashioned vertical steel bars. Twilight blinked at the situation before her. She was in a police station with an unconscious police mare, had cocaine coating her face, and absolutely no idea what had transpired causing her to arrive in this particular situation.

But one could hardly insinuate that she gave a buck.

But now...

SHE DIDN'T GIVE A BUCK REALLY BUCKING FAST!!!

She bounced around the room a bit, giggling and laughing at nothing in particular as the cocaine began to reach it's full effect. Twilight began to realize what it felt like to be Pinkie Pie, running about in circles for no particular reason.

Then Twilight had a great idea.

Going over to the police radio intercom she changed the input from occasional voices stating 'still no sign of the princess' to a nearby radio station until a charming little melody began to play through the radio.

Twilight grinned with particular glee at the unfamiliar melody. She turned, picking up the unconscious mare with newfound strength and began dancing in erratic hops around the police station. Through force of telekinetic puppeteering, the unconcious police mare began doing a strange river dance about the station, tongue waging from her mouth as she did.

Twilight noticed that her magic looked really cool, and dropped the mare to the floor with a *thud* and began magically levitating all sorts of various things viciously, shaking them and throwing them about the police station. In her convulsive and destructive dance, she failed to notice her hip bumping the radio microphone to 'on'.

Elsewhere in Ponyville

An older, dark brown stallion with a short curly mane marched through the streets, his careful eyes peering through the late night air. It was dark, real dark, and the sun wasn't too far off from beginning to arise. The old phrase was right, it really was darkest before the dawn, with the moon having gone down hours ago, even the stars began to lose their twinkle. He hadn't heard radio conformation from the station that the princess had been found yet, so he continued his fruitless search.

Suddenly, and loudly, his walkie-talkie exploded with sound, blaring an annoying keyboard tune with sounds of crashing and laughing in the background.

Being that his walkie talkie only picked up transmissions from the station, he acknowledged that Peacekeeper back at the station had either gotten very, very drunk, or, and far more likely, Princess Twilight was back at the station, and the situation was beyond out of hoof.

He reached up, clicking his walkie-talkie to 'off' and turning back towards the station in full gallop, muttering to no one in particular,

"I'm too old for this shit."

Elsewhere still

A young mare listened intently to her walkie talkie, trying desperately to make out any discernible queues from the obnoxious music coming from the other end of the communicator. Her assistant, an even younger stallion, the same stallion from the pizza place, as a matter of fact, listened as well, to the walkie-talkie and for orders from his instructor. The older had listened enough, and after not hearing any sign of her old partner, Peacekeeper, her concern began to grow.

"Alright Recruit, I know this was supposed to just be training, you shadowing me for patrols and all, but earlier we got some calls about Princess Twilight being out of control, suspected to be under control of a spell, and we had our best stallion sent out on it. He was supposed to take care of the situation, and it sounds like he failed. It's up to us now, so get ready for some action. It appears the princess has somehow found her way into the station and is causing some major destruction. We are going to need to go in there and subdue her, hopefully by as peaceful means as possible, and when she comes too, she'll undoubtedly thank us. Heck, we may be regarded as heroes!" She announced triumphantly.

The pizza stallion blinked.

He knew exactly what was going on. This was no spell. This wasn't magic, no sir. This was something far more powerful. Something ancient and seldom understood, a force of discovery and destruction. This was a force so entirely, inconceivably, IRREVOCABLY destructive that he only put them into his body, like, 3 times a day...tops. No, this was a beast of far fiercer blood. This was why he joined the force, to get them off the street and destroy them through fire and (stomach) acid This was...

Drugs.

The stallion shimmied out of his blue uniform, leaving it in the dirt.

"NOPE."

"Uh...recruit? Where are you going?" The older mare turned, confused.

"Nope."

"Recruit get back here! The station is that way! Come on! You could be a hero!" He called after him, his form shrinking and voice quieting with distance.

"nope."

Back At The Station

The dark brown stallion bucked the doors to the police station open, and steadied himself for the fight of his life. He hopped the princess could be reasoned with, but if not, he would have to subdue her, and subduing an alicorn was all but an easy feat. As he walked in he found the station quiet. The annoying music from his walkie talkie had stopped playing and the phones had stopped ringing. He quickly acknowledged why, as they were all scattered and smashed about the room, sparking occasionally. He tentatively walked forward. There was no sign of the princess, or his old partner, and the room was eerily dark and quiet, as some of the lightbulbs had also been smashed. He was on wit's end, waiting, anticipating the princess to lunge, prepared to fight...

Until he heard a loud snore from one of the cells.

He turned to see Princess Twilight Sparkle napping peacefully on one of the bunks, an unlit cigarette dangling from her mouth and her foreleg wrapped around his partner, like they were...cuddling almost.

He blinked in surprise. Was...was the Princess keeping her hostage or..?

Suddenly, Peacekeepers eyes fluttered open and saw the destruction before her, only tilted sideways. She tried to move, but suddenly a lavender hoof tightened it's grip on her mid section, met with another loud snore.

She blinked a few times before finding her partners eyes.

"Help..." she squeaked.

Morning After

All around the peaceful town of Ponyville, peaceful little ponies began to rise with the sun, its glimmering light filling the sleepy village. Most of the citizens of this quiet community were blissfully unaware of the events which had transpired the night before. Many of the witnesses still laid in there bed, eyes wide open, hoping, praying, for the relief of sleep, even as the sun rose.

Outside, the air was cool, and fresh, and except for a small percentage of the community, the day started normally. Included in this small percentage were 2 police ponies, and a yet-to-awaken princess.

After the dark brown police stallion freed his partner, Peacekeeper, from the clutches of his princess, they had quickly shut the cell and made sure it was locked up tight, staring at the sleeping alicorn from the 'safe' distance of the other side of the bars.

"Hey, um, thanks for helping me out in there, Roger. I don't know what she was planning on doing me, I'm just lucky she was out when you found me." Peacekeeper scratched a the tile floor with her hoof, "But still I hope she's ok."

"Mmm-hmm," the dark brown stallion, Roger, nodded gruffly, "How'd she get her hoofs on you before you could radio about any danger? And who brought her in?"

"Hey guys, I heard you talking from outside, everything ok in...SWEET MOTHER OF CELESTIA WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE?" The training mare shouted, now just returning from the station after a fruitless attempt to chase down her recruit.

"That's what I wanna know, Law." Roger replied, looking back to Peacekeeper. "Just what the hell went down here last night? And why is the evidence locker missing, with cocaine spread all over the place?!"

"I don't know Roger. As for who brought her in, she brought herself in. I don't know where Outpost was, he was supposed to be standing guard, but I haven't seen him since he went outside. Have either of you?"

"Nope," Roger replied.

"Not a sign," Law added.

"Well, where ever he is, I hope he's ok."

At Pony Joe's

Outpost was eating a celstia-damn doughnut and it was celestia-damn delicious.

Suddenly, a small purple dragon burst through the door, looking about, before meeting eyes with the shop owner, Pony Joe.

"Joe! Have you seen Twilight at all? She said she was going out last night, but she never came back, and the Rainbow Dash came to the library trying to find her, saying she was under some kind of spell!"

Joe shook his head solemnly, "Sorry, Spike. I didn't see Twilight at all for my shift last night. Maybe you can ask that nice officer over there for help. If she's missing, I'm sure her friends and the police can track her down lickety-split!" He added reassuringly.

Spike nodded before heading over to the table with Outpost sitting behind it. He heard the entire conversation, but he really had no desire to go back to the station and be chewed out by Roger for leaving his post. It was such a stupid job, just standing out front waiting for something exciting to happen, and when it finally did, the situation walked itself right into the celestia-damn station! No fuss!

"Um, excuse me, officer? I was wondering if you could help me find Princess Twilight?" Spike asked nervously.

"Last I saw she was back at the station, kid. I'm sure she's in custody right now, and they're working through everything they can."

"Really?! Oh what a relief! Which way is the station?" Spike asked, relieved the Twilight was ok.

Outpost took another bite of his doughnut before answering, "Just go down toward the market, and then take a left at the town hall. It's about a block down that road. If you hit The Crystal Empire, you've gone too far."

Spike raised his eyebrows at the last bit, assuming it to be a joke, and replied, "Ok, thanks officer!" before running off.

Pony Joe stared at Outpost as he took another bite, starring off into space, "Uh, officer? Why did you tell him to go the opposite direction of the police station?"

Outpost swallowed, "There are things not meant to be seen by the eyes of children..."

Back At The Station

"...and that's all I know."

Roger was rolling around laughing while Law tried to retain her composure, only an occasional, suppresed giggle leaving her mouth. "So...so let me get this straight...Princess Twilight screamed for you to 'give it to her', and then...and then called you 'baby', and...and then knocked you out with her ass?!" Roger asked through howling laughter.

"Don't say it like that! She swung at me but missed, tumbled over the desk, and her rear happened to collide with my head, and yes my head hurts very much, thank you for asking." Peacekeeper stated, annoyed.

"Oh lighten up, we haven't had a case this funny since...well ever! Aha..." He quieted, wiping away a tear, "Still, we need to know what to do with the princess. And princess or not, ingesting of cocaine, theft of police property, destruction of police property, and...ASS-aulting an officer..." Law giggled, "are all very serious crimes. Ordinarily she'd be placed under arrest and put in lock-up, but she's already taken care of that for us. Still, she has to be awake and read her rights for us to officially 'arrest' her, so..." Roger's head shifted towards Law.

"Oh buck that!" Law stated, backing up, "Why do I have to wake up the princess and tell her she's under arrest?!"

"Because Peacekeeper has already spent plenty of quality time with the princess, and I'm your superior, so chop-chop!"

Law groaned before picking up the cell key with her mouth, "Fine...but you too better be there to help me if things get hairy..."

"We'll be right here." Peacekeeper assured.

Law carefully, quietly, opened the cell door and trotted inside, passing the key back to her fellow officers. They'd be able to lock the cell faster than she could, if she was sprinting out of it.

Law had experience waking up some of the ponies in lock-up. Normally it was Berry, the town drunk, and Law would wake her up loudly but generally politely, only to be met with the groans of Berry's usual hangover. She'd pay her public intoxication fine, and leave, muttering "see you next week." Sometimes it was real criminals, an occasional thief or some stallions who'd gotten in a fight. She always make sure to wake them up with no restrain, screaming and dragging her nightstick across the bars making loud 'clanging' noises.

But this...this was Princess Twilight! The beloved town librarian, never broken a law before in her life, never smoked, very rarely drank and always in modest portions...what had gone so wrong for her to end up here, cigarette dangling from her lips and cocaine powdering her nose? Regardless the circumstance though, the law was the law, and she had to be read her rights and cuffed. Proper protocol stated that a magic inhibitor ring was to be placed around the horn, but the one at the station was cheap, and she doubted it would have much of an effect on Twilight past her blowing it up and leaving them with nothing at all.

"Um...Princess Twilight?" She asked quietly, it's time to wake up now..." Law gently prodded at her flank before she felt a slight shifting.

Twilight's blood-shot eyes burst wide open, and Law screamed.

Tell Nopony

Twilight's bloodshot eyes opened widely, eliciting a loud scream from Law. Suddenly, though, as quickly as her eyes opened, they rolled up in their sockets, closed again, and were fallowed by Twilight smack her lips dryly as the cigarette flopped about, somehow still remaining in her mouth.

Law stopped screaming and caught her breath, only to see that the princess was in fact back to, or had never truly woken up from, her slumber.

Law heaved a few more times before looking back at her fellow officers, only to see them gesturing to continue. Law poked again and was met with a snort, a muffled sneeze, another snort, and then a swallow as a peaceful smile then grew on Twilight's muzzle.

"Um...Princess Twilight?" Law poked again, this time with slightly more force, jostling her body, "Princess Sparkle?"

Twilight twitched with a start, her eyes opening again, saying something along the lines of "JSFAULEW?!" as she blinked rapidly, trying to focus her eyes. They scanned the room erratically before meeting the eyes of Law, the officer standing before her.

"Am I dead?" She half whispered, half groaned, cigarette still bouncing in mouth.

"Um, no ma'am, though I could understand why you might feel that way..." Law commented, eyeing the cocaine powdering her snout.

"Who are you? Have I joined some kind of...cult?" She asked in the same gruff morning voice.

"Uh, no, Princess. My name is officer Law, I'm with the Ponyville Police department." She answered stately.

"Oooohhh yes yes yes of course, of course..." Twilight replied, rubbing her head with her hoof, sitting up now.

"Ah, so you remember what happened?" Law asked.

"No." Twilight replied, before continuing, "How was the situation? Had I been...drinking?"

Peacekeeper piped up from behind the bars, "Had you been drinking?" Her mind flashed back to the stupor Twilight had entered the station in, swaying obviously before attacking her, "I'd...say you had a couple." She put delicately.

Twilight rose to her hooves, stumbling slightly, "You see...you see Lilly, Larry, Leo-"

"Law." The officer quickly supplied.

"Law...I don't think that- HRUGH! OH CELESTIA THAT'S BRIGHT!!" she commented, now facing the window, "I don't think that your, uh, services will be needed anymore. I'm just gonna, just gonna...gonna go puke outside and then I'll be on my way..."she remarked, heading to the cell bars.

"I'm afraid we can't let you do that Miss Sparkle. I'm afraid you're under arrest," Roger replied calmly, but sternly, "for violation of several of her majesties' laws."

"Huh...ok then," Twilight replied, clearly not giving any amount of a buck, "just let me take care of something real quick." Twilight promptly used her magic to bend the steel bars of the cell outwards without effort, creating an open plenty large enough for her to walk through, which she did. She then promptly opened the door to the station and vomited on a small, very unfortunate squirrel who happened to be burying nuts near-by.

Twilight re-entered the station, wiping the vomit and some cocaine from her muzzle, "Alright then...now that that's taken care of...I'm what now?"

"You're under arrest?" Roger replied, much more nervously this time, now that the Princess was out of the cell.

"Oh, uh, nah. I'm gonna go get a coffee instead," she replied, magically lighting her cigarette and placing her sunglasses from the previous nights escapades oh her sensitive eyes.

"I'm afraid it's not that simple, your highness..." Roger stated gently, being very careful not to upset the powerful, cranky, and deeply hungover princess, "You broke several laws...and...and we're placing you under arrest for that whether *gulp* whether you like it or not..." the stallion stated, nervous and confused that he had to explain the legal system to a princess.

"Yeah, but, like, I don't really give a buck? So...whatever I did last night? Yeah that's legal now." Twilight replied casually, taking a draw off her cig while rooting through her stolen suit jacket, smelling cake.

"Princess Twilight, you can't just-" Roger started before Peacekeeper put up a hoof to silence him.

"Unfortunately, she can just. She's a princess, Roger, and as unfortunate as it may be, her word is law. She doesn't stand above the law, but she can change it whenever she wants," Peacekeeper sighed, "even in this state she still has the authority."

Twilight rose back out of her coat, now munching on a cold, stale chocolate lava cake, "Damn straight. You know what? Buck it. Everything is legal now. No laws, buck off..." She stated coldly, chocolate cake crumbs flying out of her mouth as she did so.

"WHAT?! Princess Twilight, without laws the entirety of Equestria will descend into chaos! It'll be anarchy! Ponies murdered in the streets!" Roger protested, unable to believe what he was hearing.

"Yeah, I don't give a buck so..." Twilight motioned for the stallion to keep speaking, as though he had a point he would arrive at.

Roger was utterly dumbstruck.

"Aight, cool." The princess replied before heading back into the evidence locker and rolling a magic grass joint, which she stuck behind her ear. She also took a bag of Skittles and a can of iced tea. Why that was evidence, she would never know, but it wasn't like she gave a buck.

As she headed back out the locker and then out the station, the police ponies did not dare move a muscle, lest the princess sentence them to death, or something. Who knew what she would do now that everything and anything was legal!

Finally, she left the station, walking out into the sunny streets of Ponyville, mumbling something about how Celestia was being a bitch.

The three ponies stood motionless for a few more minutes before turning to Roger.

"Roger, what do we do here? Without laws, well, we're out of a job! Not to mention everything we know is going to come crashing around us..." Law asked, terrified.

"It's simple..." Roger replied, before turning to face his co-officers, a deadly serious look on his face, "We. Tell. Nopony."

Author's Note

There is a giant, blatant reference to my absolute favorite show (sorry guys, it isn't MLP) and whoever can find it first will get some kind of reward or something. Maybe. I don't know.

Pony Joe Saves The Day

Spoilers: Not really.

Twilight Sparkle continued her hungover escapades through the town square. She'd be annoyed, or joyed, by the loud screams of joyful children playing in the morning sun, but she didn't really give a buck.

Since only the late-going members of the town were witness to the night's previous events, the early-birds that were now awake and playful were ignorant as to what could have put their beloved princess in the state they saw walking before them. Concerned and confused whispers were elicited from the crowd, 'my, she looks dreadful' or 'smoking? The princess is...smoking? How...uncouth.' but Twilight simply refused to give a buck.

As she entered her favorite coffee and doughnut shop, Pony Joe's, she noticed that, beside herself and the restauranteur behind the counter, the building was empty, and quiet, a fact she would revel in...

that is, if she gave a buck.

"Oh, good morning Twilight!" Pony Joe greated with his normal enthusiasm of seeing his favorite patron, before her disheveled state reminded him of the previous night's affairs, "How, uh, how are you doing? I see you picked up...smoking..."

"Huh? Oh yeah, it's great." Twilight mumbled through her cigarette, plumes of cancer still rolling from her lips as she spoke.

Pony Joe waved his hoof in front of his face as if to ward off the foul smoke, "Your friend Rainbow Dash and your little assistant Spike have been looking for you, you know..." he added.

"Hm? Oh, well, I'll probably bump into them eventually, or something..." Twilight trailed off. "Why am I here again? Oh yeah, coffee. So, like, gimmie coffee." She ordered, holding out an expectant hoof.

"Geeze Twilight, what happened to those sparkling manners of yours? Could I at least get a please?" Pony Joe asked. Spell or not, he knew Twilight well enough to stand up to her, and try to get a little bit of the old princess back.

Twilight Sparkle deadpanned before levitating Pony Joe into the air, and promptly heaving him over her shoulder like old garbage. Pony Joe landed in the middle of his restaurant with *thud* and *oof* before slowly making his way back to his hooves. Something was definitely wrong, Twilight was most certainly under some kind of spell that turned her into the opposite of her normal, caring self. Pony Joe turned around, prepared to yell at Twilight.

But what he saw left him speechless.

There was his local princess, the pony he revered and respected, laying across his coffee machine, now with two lit cigarettes, one sticking out of each nostril, smoking. Impressively, while continuing to smoke through her nose, she was pouring scalding hot coffee directly from the machine into her mouth in a sort of coffee waterfall, gulping it down furiously.

Pony Joe accepted defeat. This...this pony before him wasn't Twilight. It couldn't be! No spell could make a pony just...just not care to such an extreme! This had to be an impostor! A changeling! Now was his time to shine, and he wasn't going to let everypony down. With a fearsome battle-cry, he charged the 'impostor', diving over the counter toward the coffee maker. He made brief eye contact with Twilight before a bright flash of purple blinded him.

He then landed face first into the coffee machine, knocking him unconscious, coffee pouring out on his head and Twilight was nowhere to be seen.

Until she walked out of the bathroom a few minutes later with a satisfied 'ahh'. She proceeded to approach the counter, take a cup off the top and temporarily cut the flow of coffee pouring onto Pony Joe's head by filling the cup. As soon as she was finished, she allowed the stream of coffee to continue to pour down on the poor, unconscious stallion's head.

"One for the road," she muttered at no in particular, walking out of the shop, pulling the two cigarettes from her nose and placing them in her mouth. They tasted like snot, blood, and a little like some sort of bitter powder she remembered tasting, but couldn't put her hoof on. As she took a particularly long draw off the cigarettes, she let out a cough, ejecting what was left of one of the cigarettes onto the ground, and the other into her fresh cup of coffee levitating before her with a quiet *psshh*.

"Oh...buck." She commented, looking at the waisted 1/3rd of a cigarette and now filthy coffee with a cigarette but floating on top.

"Meh." Twilight sparkle drank the ashy coffee anyway. It wasn't like she really gave a buck.

She only had one destination left in mind at this point. Home. Not because she was going to start the business of the day, no, buck that. It was simply because she had saved every single gifted bottle of wine from her friends and family and even ordinary townsfolk after her coronation. In her cellar, she had a total of 744 bottles of wine, ranging from ludicrously expensive to cheap as they come. She figured if she got started now, she could probably kill the stash by...what was today? Friday? Then by Monday.

Twilight Sparkle had a mission. She decided that it was in her best interest to drink 744 bottles of wine over the course of one weekend.

She was going to need more cigarettes.

Author's Note

Hey guys, I know this is a short chapter, and it isn't really that eventful either, but I have 2 exams today, a fraternity meeting, and then my parents are visiting this weekend so I'll be spending some time with them. Hopefully I'll update with a longer chapter on Sunday.

SPOILERS: The mane 6 will be together at last, but the result may not be pretty. It won't be pretty. Not at all. And Twilight's not gonna give a buck.

Take one down, pass it around...

Twilight sauntered in to her own library with the grace of a tranquilized rhinoceros, 'opening' the door by exploding it in front of her face, sending sizable, smoldering splinters of soft maple into her front yard. She gazed into her library and with a couple of *smacks* from her mouth, decided that 10 o'clock in the morning was a perfectly reasonable time to start working on her wine stash. As if on cue, her 'number one assistant' peaked his head into the doorway, examining the crispy remains before seeing Twilight wobbling towards the cellar door.

"Uh, Twilight? Where have you been all night? There's been rumors around town that you started up a real ruckus and now Rainbow Dash and the...um...the police are looking for you..." Spike twiddled his thumbs nervously. Sure, he had known and trusted Twilight all his life, but she was in quite a state at the moment, and the present ruler of all of Equestria, so he was careful not to overstep his boundaries.

As soon as Spike finished his inquiry, Twilight whipped her head around, sunglasses sliding partly off her face to expose one eye with which Twilight could make eye contact. Twilight began a slow, precise walk up to her trusted friend, maintaining her gaze for the entire march.

"The police? The police Spike? Do you wanna know...what I think about the POLICE?" Twilight's face was beginning to contort into a horrible glare, clearly enraged.

"That...that they're a necessary force for good, maintaining peace and order..?" Spike asked hopefully.

"Man..."

Twilight's horn began to glow purple.

"BUCK THA POLICE!!"

A record scratch from seemingly nowhere introduced a funky, rhythmic beat with which Twilight began to shake her flank in a horribly unorthodox and erratic pattern as she literally bounced (or more like bumped) off the walls of the the library. Over the sounds of the music, a stallion's voice could be heard, giving a rather exciting court proceeding, beginning with an introduction of the judge, the case of some group against an unspecified police department , and a long list of oddly-named attorneys.

What in Equestria is going on right now...who is Easy E? How many maternal mares did he have sex with to earn that title?!

Twilight was, meanwhile, had mysteriously acquired a backwards ball-cap and crossed her forelegs in front of her torso, bobbing her head up and down.

Dear Celestia she's becoming Pinkie Pie... Spike noted in worry, and after a quick spin-like maneuver, Twilight lost balance, wobbled about the library for a bit, and crashed through the cellar door, tumbling down the long, stone, staircase. When Spike went to check on her, he noticed she was now wearing a large golden chain necklace, looking up at Spike from her back.

"Twilight..? Are you al-"

"BUCK THA POLICE COMING STRAIGHT FROM THE UNDERGROUND! A YOUNG FILLY GOT IT BAD CAUSE I'M FUCKING PURPLE!!!"

"Y-yes, Twilight. You are underground...and purple...what are you doing now?" Spike asked with a mix of concern and exasperation as the song continued.

"I'm drinking the wine, Spike."

"How much wine, Twilight?"

"All the wine."

Spike's face grew to one of horror. There was, quite literally, enough wine in that cellar to replace all of the mass of Twilight's body...at least 3 or 4 times over.

"Twilight, I don't know if you should-"

"PfshfhsBITCH! You ain't ma dad, and even if you wuz, I'd pop a cap in yo ass cause I don't give a BUCK!!"

"Twilight, why are you talking like that?" Spike asked, still standing at the top of the staircase as Twilight got back on her hooves and began magically uncorking a bottle of wine.

"I 'unno," Twilight shrugged, before levitating a bottle of wine over to Spike, "here, put this in the freezer; I'll want it later."

"Um, Twilight?"

"Real easy, Spike."

"Yeah, but-"

"Oh for bucks sake, look just-" Twilight spun her head to face Spike.

"It's not that...our friends are here."

Twilight immediately grabbed 12 bottles of wine, not bothering to read any form of label, and teleported to the main floor of the library, where her 5 friends stood waiting, all with a look of immense concern. Twilight appeared before them in a glorious display of light, scanned them for a few brief seconds, vomited on the hardwood floor, and wiped the residue away from her muzzle with her foreleg.

"...S'up sluts?"

"Twilight! We've been worried sick about you! Rainbow Dash told us what happened last night...are you alright?! Are you under some kind of spell? And...sluts? That's rather rude, don't you think?" Rarity pointed out.

"Eh," was all Twilight could say. "No spell. New me. No bucks, you get the idea. Oh, I'm like, head princess now too. Pretty cool, right?" Twilight grinned.

"Head princess? What does that even mean? An what in tarnation is this music? An why are ya'll drinking at 10 in tha mornin?" Applejack piped up, also voicing her concern.

"Celestia put me in charge. I got rid of laws. First decree, Celestia's not getting her throne back. Mine now. Second decree..." Twilight began to levitate 2 bottles of wine to each of her friends, "drink up, bitches!"

"Um...Twilight...I don't, um, drink..." Fluttershy whispered.

"Yeah, me neither!" Rainbow Dash yelled, "It slows me down, and makes me all groggy."

The other mares stared at Rainbow Dash for a moment.

"Uh...Sugarcube, you drink cider all the time." Applejack pointed out.

"Yeah, so?" Rainbow Dash asked indignantly.

"Cider has alcohol in it silly! We've all seen you drink!" Pinkie Pie chirped while bouncing around her friends. "And I, for one, welcome our new drunken overlord!" Pinkie Pie stated with a genuine smile, "Let's party!"

"Wait, there's alcohol in cider?!" Rainbow Dash asked, visibly confused. "I thought it just made me feel good cause it was so tasty..." Rainbow muttered under her breath.

"GIRLS! I think we may be getting away from a more, *ahem*, pressing issue?" Rarity pointed out as she gestured to Twilight, currently chugging to the end of her first bottle of wine.

"Right!" Rainbow declared, "So this is a race, huh?! And since apparently I do drink, I may as well win!" Rainbow uncorked her bottle with her teeth and began chugging.

Applejack furrowed her brow, "Rainbow! That is not the issue!"

"Why, scared I'll drink you under the table?" Rainbow taunted.

"Psh, as if! You didn't even know you drank! Ah drink every day!" Applejack announced.

The room was silent for a moment.

"AH DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!"

"Right...anyway, Pinkie Pie?" Rainbow asked.

"I'm game!" She chirped.

"Rarity?"

"I should hardly think so! Getting drunk at a time like this is..." Rarity looked down at her bottle, "Oh my stars this a 203 CE bottle of Pinot Grigio from the Griffin Lands! This is some really expen- I mean nice wine...well, who am I to deny a good time?" Rarity's demeanor rapidly changed, as it is ought to do, "I'm in!"

"Fluttershy?"

"I um...I don't think...it's not...oh my." Fluttershy whispered, staring at her bottle of wine.

She had somewhat lied to her friends.

She didn't drink...anymore.

Not since...

The incident.

Author's Note

Hey guys, new chapter, thanks for waiting, mehcalwekhbflaiucebwdczsdchbaeyuscl. There.