Doctor Whooves in Bad Fur Day

by Cobra 1

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark, Alternate Universe, Doctor Whooves, Comedy, Rarity, Adventure, Crossover, Sex, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2903

Doctor Whooves in a crossover with Conker's Bad Fur Day.

When Doctor Whooves switches places with Conker and he has no idea about it, but knows he is stuck in a game. Same jokes and some attempts at my own jokes in it. Also Rarity as Barri. The same story line, and characters from the game besides Whooves and Rarity. Includes British humor, slapstick, and fourth wall breaks. Gore at some points, sexual situations, and other things expected from an M rated game. Conker is owned by Rare.

Looking for Cover Image, If no thoughts surface I will resort to Poo.
Also features cameos.

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Will try to get out new chapters every Saturday.

Published 2012-03-29 07:04:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-15 17:55:45 UTC

Bad Mane Day

As Doctor Whooves sat in the king's throne, he thought to himself 'How did I get here.' He then remembered how it started. It's a long story that started yesterday, in what I like to call a Bad Mane Day.

The Night Before...

The answering machine picked up "Hi, you reached like, Rarity's place. I'm not available to pick up the phone right now. However if you leave your name and number and sound cute, I may call you back, ciao." After the beep Whooves left a message.

"Hi, Rarity! If your there please pick up. Oh bugger, well anyway I'll be a little late. I'm out with a couple of the fellows and they will be leaving tomorrow to fight a war. Anyhow, see you. Love you!"

"I think she bought it." he said to no one in particular. "Whooves, put down the phone." said one of his buddies. "Alright, now whose round is it?" Whooves asked. "Yours!" his friends said in unison. "Again?! Oh bloody hell."

Later Whooves wasn't feeling good. "You guys enjoy yourselves and I will probably see you some time next week, I have to go home. I'll go this way, no that's the toilets. No this way." With that he stumbled out of the Cock and Plucker. Outside was a pony reading the daily newspaper. "It doesn't look good tonight." said Whooves, who then proceeded to vomit right beside the reader. The pony hissed and Whooves said "Sorry 'bout that old chap. I gotta go."

Whooves later came across a sign that read 'Nasty and Nice' with 'Nasty' to the left and 'Nice' to the right. "I can't quite make it out. Oh well seems familiar to me." Just then a group of wasps flew overhead carrying a bee hive, unnoticed by Whooves, and the leader of the three whispered to the others. Whooves heard this and turned around to find nobody behind him. "This way I suppose." said Whooves.

Meanwhile in the Panther King's Castle, the King awaits for his milk. When two of his guards stepped in, one was a fat, stupid looking pony, in contrast with the others tall lanky features. After pouring a glass of milk, the King took a sip and then placed the glass on the table. The table, which was missing a leg tipped over, caused the glass to fall off and break on the floor. The tall guard cringed and the stood up tall on all four legs. The Panther King became angry at the spilt milk, looked at the guard and let out an angry roar.

The Hangover

The next day Whooves woke up with a splitting headache. "Oh no!" he said "It's gonna be one of those days." He then stumbled around a fence and came to a strange scarecrow.

"Who are you?" asked the scarecrow. "Hello, I'm Doctor, Doctor Whooves. I need help and need to get back home to get to bed."

"Home? No!" the scarecrow said, "Oh so you can't help me at all, that's a shame." Whooves said.

"Actually, I can, maybe!"

"What's your name."

"Birdy."

"Beardy? But you don't have a beard."

"No Birdy. I scare birdies."

"Okay, so how can you help me?"

"Right, step over here." So Whooves did as Birdy said and stepped over to a strange looking thing that appeared like it had a big 'B' on it.

"See those buttons. Eh, their called 'context sensitive'. And they actually uh, press B."

"Press B?!" asked Whooves.

"Yes, then there will be a light and it goes ting, the ting noise." *Ting* a light-bulb appeared over Whooves' head. "There you go, ting."

"That's it?"

"Yes that's it." After this Whooves pressed B. And he pulled out a bottle of beer with his mouth, which Birdy grabbed saying "Don't mind if I do." and drank in one slug.

"What does that mean."

"It means context sensitive. It's sensitive to context. Try it over there." with these words the fence swung open to which Birdy adds "Or you could try again." So Whooves does it again. This time he pulled out a bottle of helium and again Birdy takes it and drinks it. "Really nice helium." he says in a really high pitched voice.

Whooves then, feeling bad for Birdy, does it one last time and again pulls out a bottle of beer. "Don't mind if I do. Thank you very much." to which he chuggs it down. "I'm going do bed now, night-night."

After walking over too the other pad, Whooves presses B. He pulls out a sobering tonic and drinks it.

"That is exactly what I needed in that point in time. Context sensitive, clever. And if you want to skip these wonderful cutscenes just press L, but we have to see them at least once."

He then walks over to a waterfall and remembers something important, he invented a jet pack that would allow him to hover and cover small gaps he normally couldn't jump over, the problem was he could only do this for a few moments.

After this he moves over to a bridge, but a gargoyle sat in the way.

So he instead pulls down a lever that opened a door he had just passed. After back tracking a bit, he enters the door which as soon as he was through closed. "Damn, it's locked. What the hell is that, a key." Sure enough there was a key that was running around. "Come here little fellow, I won't hurt you." This didn't help as it just ran away from him.

Whooves then found a frying pan on the ground beside a baseball bat and a Big Fucking Gun. "I'll take that pan." Whooves said. He then walked over to the key and hit it. Which he then used to unlock the door.

After backtracking again he decided to face the gargoyle. "Hello, you shall not pass, I've been sitting on Gothic Architecture for a long time and have no ideas of moving. Have you ever sat on Gothic Architecture it gets right up your arse. That is how I felt for 200 years."

"Isn't it too early to talk about Gothic Architecture." said Whooves.

"Well come closer and we can discuss something else."

Whooves came closer and hit him with the frying pan.

"A frying pan? Come on, what is this guy, a British slapstick comedian. Ha ha ha ha ha." The gargoyle was to busy laughing to notice a strange pony fly into him and knock him off the bridge. He hit the water so hard he hit the ground which caused the opening on the other side of the bridge to be caved in.

"Oh shit." said Whooves. The strange pony flew off in the distance.

Whooves had kept the BFG and fired it at the rocks, vaporizing them. He was sure glad he picked that up as well.

Mepsi Pax and Windy

Back in the castle a weasel scientist in a hovering chair was worried. "Have I got everything?!" he said in a Germanic accent. "Hurry, hurry, hurry. You know what he's like! Make good entrance. Zis could be very important." He entered the room were the king was at.

"Professor, welcome." To this the weasel nodded his head. "I have a job for you to do. As you can see," he paused for a moment while motioning at the table with the leg missing.

"Ah ze table. So you have spilled ze milk, again? Not gut, not gut. Let me just see." he said inspecting the table. "I vill see vat I can do, just a moment."

To this the Panther replied "Don't be too long. You know I don't like to be kept waiting, you remember what happened last time." The weasel knew just to well and was frightened. "I vill be quick, sire."

"I don't want to use the duct tape, again"

"Yes, I mean no, no duct tape, I don't want the duct tape again."

After leaving the King took his daily royal nap. With Mr. Teddy.

In the lab the Professor was ranting to himself. "Duct tape, he vill get a duct tape. !%#&#&# asshole." he said before taking a deep breath and saying "I'll come down here show him were the duct tape is and were to shove it." in one breath. "Stupid !#&%^$&&^. All I do ALL DAY is try and sort out his *%*$*$@$ stupid problems. Asshole I *%*%^&$ that *^#^$@!@!$. Vat vere ve? Ze milk, ze table. Vat shall ve do whit vis? Ja, clean ze slate."

He moved over to his work bench, were chocolate was sitting on it. "Anti-Gravity Chocolate, kinda verking! Vat vill do, out the !#$@#$#$ vindow vit that." He then tossed the chocolate out.

Whooves suddenly say flying chocolate. "What the bloody hell?" he asked to himself. He ate it and noticed a chocolate bar appear above him, he decided not to question it and just thought he was going crazy. He then noticed a bee crying.

"Oh those nasty wasps. What ever shall we do. My beautiful hive is now gone, and now we'll never see it again." she said through the tears.
'She isn't cute, so I hope she is rich.' thought Whooves. "So, what do you want me to do about it?" he asked "You are sure beautiful." he lied.

"Go and get it for us, please."

"Alright calm down. I'll go and get it for you. Where is it?"

"Follow the signs." she said still crying.

While heading toward the wasps nest he noticed some barracks, but ignored it and focused on the task at hoof. He just trotted toward it and lifted it up. 'This is easy.' he thought immediately regretting saying that as three wasps came from inside their nest.

"Hey, that wise guy is trying to steal our nice new hive." said the boss wasp with a stogie.

"Come on boss! Let's go get him." said the very skinny wasp.

"Yeah, get him." said the fat one in a stupid, deep sounding voice.

"Oh bloody hell, I shouldn't of thought that." Whooves said to himself. Whooves then galloped as fast as he could with the hive on his back, with the wasps diving at him, stingers out. After a long exhausting period Whooves flipped the hive off his back with a buck and onto a familiar 'B' button. It then transformed into a turret and the queen got in.

The wasps came to a screeching halt as the turret zoomed in on the skinny one, who gulped audibly.

"Eat lead, mother buzzer." said Whooves.

The Queen bee, now furious, fired, one by one the wasps were blown to pieces but the bursts.

"Oh thank you Mr., Mr...."

"Whooves."

"Mr. Whooves, none of this would happen if my no good husband. He's gone off with another woman."

"Oh, that doesn't surprise me."

"What?"

"Oh, nothing."

"For your service to the bee community, I present you with this." She motioned to a wad of cash.

"Somebody call for me." said the cash.

Whooves' eyes turned to ₤.

"Who wants some dough?" the cash said as Whooves grabbed it. "Yeah. Cash prizes." said Whooves.

As Whooves crossed a short bridge he noticed some Dung Beetles.

"Alright who's dis?" said the one on the left. "Looks like one of them pony's." said the other one, they both spoke in a Scouse accent.

"I say we go down there and kick the shit out of him."

"Wait until he comes here."

"Ok den, yeh."

Whooves came to a stream and all of the sudden, Birdy came up from behind him. "Hello, me again. Mr. Scarecrow Birdy. What seems to be the problem? Yes, you need manual. Otherwise no, doesn't work. It'll cost you."

"How much?" said Whooves, less than enthused.

"Got any MepsiPax."

"What in the bloody hell is MepsiPax?"

"Actually eh, well, um Ten pounds, long time, you love manual long time."

"Here ya go." Whooves said while pulling out ten pounds.

"Here ya go, manual," Birdy said, handing over the manual adding "Just press B."

As Birdy hobbled off on his stand he began farting with the money his back pocket.

"Get me outta here. You come on, I want to go back in there."

"Suits me."

He finds the catapult, which turns out to be a slingshot. He held the rubber band with his mouth and held the frame between his hooves. He fired at the nearest beetle, it got up and flew toward him and he fired again, this time the beetle exploded into a mass of body parts, blood, and gore. He did the same to the other three. In the end he has to step over the wings and legs of the bloody mess.

After all of the beetles were dead a door opened up. Whooves noticed that he could go two different ways.

"He looked toward the left passage and said "Hmm, that way smells pooey." So he went right.

Back in the castle the Professor looked at a blueprint.

"What do ve have as key elements in experimentation? We have ze table, ze milk in ze glass broken. I see problem. I will have to run experiments. And when my Tediz are ready, ve will see, my lord, who uses ze duct tape. Ha ha ha ha." he said and then broke into an evil laugh.

Gregg the Reaper

"Whoa what's all this then." Whooves looked around and saw giant iron boxes. He approached one of the boxes that had a larger pink one on top. "I say, I say, little pony. You better get this fat-ass bitch off of my back pronto."

"So many people want me to solve their problems, what's in it for me."

"I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do, you get rid of that mouse critter..." this was interrupted by a burp from the mouse. "And maybe I'll help you out, just maybe." he paused before saying, "Just one more thing, I say just one more thing. You might run into Burt, my friend. Just mention my name, Jack and it will be just dandy."

After talking with Jack, Whooves left by going left. "Oh boy, those boxes want to kill me." After narrowly avoiding getting flattened, he came across another iron box near a gate with cheese running around inside. "You must be Burt." Whooves said.

"I'm Burt." he said in a rather stupid sounding accent.

"Jack sent me."

"I'll open the gate for you here, and you can get on with whatever your trying to do." The gate swung open and the cheese inside got scared.

"That's all you do? Great!" Whooves said disappointed. "That's it, mice like cheese.Its time to whack some cheese."

BOOM. "Gotcha."

'Now, to get this back to that mouse.' Whooves thought which was easier said then done as right when he started to make the return trip he was crushed by a bouncing box.

We next see Whooves in a dark area lit by flaming skulls.

"Whooves, Whooves, Whooves, yes you boy, your dead." came a dead voice that echoed against the walls, "You are dead. Dead as a dodo. Dead as a-" there was a squeal as a robed figure appeared holding a megaphone. He was a short humanoid figure made of bones. "I can't be arsed with this bloody, ridiculous contraption. Whose idea was this, anyway."

"Mine, I feel like not changing anything in this scene, other than it's a pony your talking to and some of your dialog. So Gregg quit your bitching and follow the script."

'Bloody author.'

"Right. Hello. My name is Gregg The Grim Reaper and don't laugh."

"Aren't you a little short to be a Grim Reaper?"

"Well how many Grim Reapers have you met before, mate? What am I suppose to look like?"

"Good point, well made."

Gregg had a scroll appear in front of him as he read down to Whooves.

"Now let's see. Ah, yes, Whooves. And- oh no."

"Problem?"

"Yes, Your Princesses, immortal bitches, made a deal with the powers that be (the bloody author). I'm just doing my job, I do what I'm told. I don't even get paid very much! Ponies can have as many lives as they think they can get away with."

"Oh, so I'm not dead!"

"Your dead, but not quite."

"So then, I'll be on my way."

"Just wait, smart arse. You don't get out that easy. Now you may not be dead, but that doesn't mean you can't die. You just have a few more shall we say... chances. Like cats, I hate those things. Distributed around this world are these manes. If you get them I'll give you an extra chance. Understand?"

"Sounds strange, but OK."

"Strange, best bloody deal your going to get, little prick. That's it, piss off. I've got some cats to see." with that Gregg left into the darkness ranting about hating cats.

Whooves just stood there, wondering 'What was that about an author?' Shaking this question off he trotted up to the mane and grabbed it with his mouth as it disintegrated.

A/N:
Sorry this is short but I have had this working out for a long time. Next will be longer, if I get to it in a few weeks. Hopefully there is more to come.