Chapters It was an average day in Ponyville, the sun was shining, the sky was blue, a soft breeze blew, the clouds lazily floated above the ground and the the grass tickled hooves, as all the small colts and fillies played in the hot sun, not caring about protecting their heads of it. Not that it mattered anyway. Dinky and Twist were talking about the latest gossip, Pinchy was hugging her friends, Diamond Tiara and Silver spoon were trying to pick a target, though everpony avoided them, the cutie mark crusaders were trying to find their cutie marks, and Feather and Pip were talking.
“And you know who I think you should photograph?” Pip locked his gaze on his friend, something he liked doing, for he thought his friend was the most awesome thing since Princess Luna, and definitively even better.
Feather held his gaze, not even blinking, trying to avoid laughing at the expression on his friend face, who was making funny faces, and blowing raspberries.
“Let me guess….Princess Luna?”
Pip wanted to tell him, that no, he wanted to be photographed, photographed in Feather’s arms, as if they were posing for a magazine, but he couldn’t just tell him. So instead he nodded.
Everypony thought he had a crush on Luna, but it was no more than mere admiration, and a little sweet tooth. The fact is, his favorite pony in the world, and the one he had a crush on was his best friend, Featherweight.
But instead of telling him that he just nodded, and remained quiet, as the lump on his throat became bigger, it was just that, no matter what he thought, his friend was not, that, much, into him. They talked, sure, and they played together, and they even slept on the same bed once or twice, but he wasn’t into him in that way! And how Pip had to struggle to control himself when he had invited him to sleep in his house and they had cuddled up together in the same bed, in a little spoon big spoon position, Feather on the back with his front left leg over Pip. And still.
“So…what do you want do to now? Tag? Hide and seek? Talk about girls?”
Pip gulped. He didn’t want that, he didn’t want that at all, he wanted to talk about his feelings, but he was too afraid too.
He had been ready to spill them out for weeks now, and every night he told himself, before sleep, that he would do it in the next day, and every morning he told himself that, as soon as he got to school, he would tell him in recess, and every recess he tried to, but his mouth refused to say the words his heart wanted to, too afraid of the reaction to.
“I don’t know whatever you want too, I guess.”
The worse part was that, even though Feather wasn’t into him at all, Pip’s mind told him he was detecting certain clues, like the way he smiled at him, and talked at him, and the way he tickled him, and jumped on top of him, and threw himself at it. They could be Feather playing with him, but they gave him some hope.
A hope that he knew was baseless.
“I don’t really know….I mean, I think everypony has someone special destined to them.” And Pip listened, certainly hoping that his dream pony, the special one, would telepathically realize his feelings, because he was too afraid to admit them to him “But I look at those fillies and I don’t have a spark on interest on them. I mean sure, they are nice looking, and cute, I guess, and they are more than happy to pose to my photos, but they’re vain, and they have things I really don’t like about them.”
Oh how this talk had made Pipsqueak’s heart ache. He realized that not showing interest on fillies could be very well be temporary, until his friend found the right filly, but how he wanted that to mean Featherweight was a just like him, then they could be together.
The hopes of it, at least according to Pip? Zero to none, of course. But he could always dream.
With the ringing of the bell recess was over and so Pipsqueak sat on his desk, right next to Featherweight, though Miss Cheerilee kept talking about some sort of story about union between the three races, in a battle long forgotten by time and most everypony except teachers and historians, all of Pipsqueak’s attention was on his friend, and hopeful romantic interest, Featherweight. Every couple of minutes he stole a glance at him, while pretending to write and scrabble on the papers provided by him for taking notes.
And the status quo could have remained, and it was going to, until some outside event pushed him into having to not fret all that much and to simply have to tell his feelings to Featherweight.
The always big and common threat of a random filly liking your best friend that is also your crush, even though you’re both colts.
Or maybe it just happened to Pipsqueak, it didn’t matter. He had to reveal his feelings now.
It happened at almost the end of recess, Featheweight stormed into the room, eyes as wide as cart wheels, Feather pulled up his chair and sat on it, his eyes focusing on the wood of his desk. Miss Cheerilee, stopped what she was doing (that was, grading papers), looked up from the paper she was grading and looked at Feather, it was an understatement saying it was a rarity one of her students failing to enjoy their recess until the end, much less Featherweight, he who was always so focused on talking pictures of the playground. Miss Cheerilee knew something was wrong, and he decided to talk to her student about it.
“Feather….my little pony, what’s wrong?” She asked a very shocked Feather, even though he had entered the room almost two minutes ago, his eyes still hadn’t reduced in size and width.
“I…hum…don’t want to talk about it.” He told her, as he kept focusing in the wood, from his expression, one of seriousness, she knew she had to keep pushing the issue, was it something that Diamond Tiara had made? Again?
After telling him that she was here to help and that she was very much interested in knowing what had happened, and that she couldn’t help if she didn’t knew, she finally got the full story.
Apparently, as Feather told the teacher “ Pipsqueak had heard rumors that one of the fillies, I have forgotten which in my shock, was into me, so he panicked and sort of decided that it was time to reveal his feelings, his feelings for me. He told me everything about how I make him go crazy, and how I am his world, and thought those were sweet stuff, and stuff that warmed my heart, it was stuff I expected to say to a filly not too far into the future. And all I could say to him was a “I’m not gay” and then I turned and came here.”
Miss Cheerilee nodded, she wasn’t expecting that, but it sometimes happened, that one of her male, or more commonly, female students, found his or herself, and revealed his feelings to either his or or her crush. It normally ended with a big speech about acceptance and it could go fifty fifty, either they ended up together, or they didn’t. This was going to give her so much more work, but it was work she was glad to do, for the sake of one of her little students. She was more worried, however, about Pipsqueak, she felt that his heart must be pretty broken, after revealing his feelings to Feather and them not being corresponded.
She told Feather that it was ok, that even if he had hurt his little friend, he couldn’t choose who he loved, and then she prepared to talk about loving whoever you loved, with no fear, this had happened so many times before that she had the speech pre made, it was a surprisingly common thing. She sighed, guess the science class she had prepared for the second half of the day wasn’t going to happen.
As she predicted, when Pipsqueak entered the room, he had a pretty sad look on his face, he sat on his desk and tried not to stare at his classmate, though he tried really hard not to, he still let out a sniff or two every time his mind betrayed him and he looked at Feather..
Miss Cheerilee erased the blackboard and after clearing her throat to get the attention of the 20 or so fillies and colts in the class, she began her speech.
“Class, do you know what a gay colt is, or what a lesbian filly is?”
Pip, who was already feeling pretty dang awful, felt even worse, did Featherweight spill the beans to the teacher? This was so embarrassing! He couldn’t even trust his friend to keep the secret? Now everyone would know!
Still he raised his hoof, as all the other young ponies in his class looked, confused, after he had figured out what he felt, he had done a research, and if one knew what books he had requested from the library, they’d be able to figure out just what he was pretty easily.
“Excellent, hum, Pipsqueak, would you care to explain?”
“A gay colt or a lesbian filly is a pony who likes the same sex, that is a colt not liking a filly or a filly not liking a colt” he said and then he thought on what he was saying From the back there was a snicker from Diamond Tiara who called those kind of people freaks, making him feel even worse.
“Diamond Tiara! Those people have the right to equality, and respect as much as you have, equality was a principle on which this nation, the nation of Equestria was founded, which you would know, if you had studied for the test.”
That made it so the intensity of the sniffles reduced a little bit, maybe he was a freak, but there were people ready to stand by him, and defend him.
“Even if you aren’t one of those kind of ponies” the teacher kept on, with her lecture “You still have to respect them, which unfortunately doesn’t always happen, there’s this slang, those awful words…” She looked at Pip from the corner of her eye and pondered if she should say them, as it would only make him feel worse about himself, but she decided to tell him, so he’d know that they were offensive and knew to report them. “Filly foolers, and Colt cuddlers, they make it seem as if every gay or lesbian pony touches foals, but that is just not true.” She glared at Diamond Tiara who was just about to open her mouth, most likely to say something offensive. “And though there are some ponies who think of them as stereotypes, like a gay colt being more feminine looking and sounding, and behaving himself like a filly, and a filly doing more tom coltish things. Those aren’t, again true.” She looked at the class, as they seemed to be pretty stunned with the information, a whole world of new information on their hooves, this was certainly more interesting that the science class they were expected to have. “The bottom line is, even if you don’t like them, you should respect them, respect is the most important thing, that and not treating them in a different way.” She briefly stopped her explanation, looking at the class in general, but most importantly to Pip.
“Homosexuality, that is, liking the same sex, is not the easiest of the ways of love, but, seeing as it isn’t a choice, no matter what some ponies think, it is advisable to not try to live it down and accept it” She regained her breath and looked at them in that way that every teacher looks at their class, a way that manages to reach every single pony in the room, despite that being physically impossible. “Lastly, if any colt, of filly, wants to talk to me about their feelings, I’m open to, whether it’s before class, after class, or just in recess, I’m always right here to here you.” She smiled. “Now, seeing as we have just a few minutes left why don’t you draw something or talk? I certainly have a lot on my mind, she thought.
The fillies and colts started their drawings, of cats, friends, dogs, apples, houses, and whatever else they wanted, as they waited for the bell to ring. After it rung they left, Pip among the fastest to leave, he just didn’t want to think about it. He wanted to go home, do his homework, and just not think about that.
He found it pretty hard to do, thoughts about Feather even haunting him in his dreams.
“So who’d you think the gay colt or filly is?” Pinchy asked, her eyes shining with curiosity, not noticing the look in a very distressed Pip, who tried his best to retain his calm, else he’d be giving the info away, that it was, in fact, him who was the gay colt.
“Why do you think there’s a gay colt or filly that likes other colt or filly?” He asked. Though he tried hard, he couldn’t help but let his voice fluctuate a little bit. From his normal voice to a higher pitched one, to his regular voice again.
But Pitchy paid no mind to his pitch; all he cared was his opinion.
“Well duh, if there wasn’t one, Miss Cheerilee wouldn’t bother give us all that speech, she only does it when there’s one in the class.”
“Really?!” The change of tone was perceptible even to a deaf pony that had never had contact with another pony, Pinchy remained blissfully unaware though.
“Yeah, so who do you think he or she is?”
“I hum....” he pondered his question, opting for the safe alternative. “I don’t know, sorry Pinchy” he finally managed to get his voice under control.´
It had been two days since that little speech of the teacher and in that time everypony had been rumored to be the gay colt or the lesbian filly, from pip (which really was the one, but whose rumor quickly passed, much to his relief) to Feather, to Rumble, to Dinky, to Twist to pretty much everyone. But there was no conclusive answer yet. After the confession of his feelings, Pip had sort of backed away from his proximity to Feather, due to his grudge, that he rationally knew was stupid, after all his friend couldn’t control how he felt, but couldn’t help feeling. He also reckoned that Feather must have been pretty... well not offended, it wasn’t really a bad thing, but he felt that things wouldn’t be the same, there would be too much awkwardness. So he had backed off. Feather had tried various times to try and contact him, but he just, refused, for the sake of the friendship they had started a long time ago, and that Pip was sure they would return to in a few days, months, years, whenever.
“Whoever it is, I hope they’re okay, it would be pretty awful, at least for me, to hide my true self from everypony in class, plus miss Cherlilee told us that whoever it is, he or she shouldn’t live their life in secret.” Pinchy stopped to take a breath after that enormous mouthful . “But we don’t know who that pony is, so we can’t help him or her.”
Pipsqueak’s left eye twitched, as Pinchy hugged him and then left. The general consensus among the school aged ponies was that it was no big deal, and they’d still be friends, that gave him hope, but there was still that tiny massive problem. The ponies who didn’t agree with the existence of him. And sure it were only two fillies, and he had a feeling they were doing it just to make whoever it was (that is, him) feel worse, but still. What if all people reacted that way, what would he do?
And yes, it was silly, but it was at times like this that he felt he needed to talk to with somepony, but who? His best friend? He had separated from him and they weren’t talking the only other option was miss Cheerilee, she already knew it, he thought, and why wouldn’t he? He decided to do it. He trotted to the classroom and, as he felt the hay below his hooves, he moved towards the teacher.
She stopped writing on the chalkboard as he approached, she looked at him and motioned him to approach.
“Pipsqueak, hello, I’ve been hoping you’d show up.”
Pipsqueak felt suddenly very uncomfortable on his very own hooves, like he wanted to be somewhere else.
“Yeah, well, thank you, the teacher told us if we wanted to talk then you’d be here and I...” he sighed “I really need to talk.”
Pipsqueak took a deep breath, ready to share his feelings, he looked trough the window, there was Feather, sitting besides a tree, just at the limit of his field of vision, he didn’t dare look at the teacher, he just stared at the ground, and he started talking with lots of hesitations.
“Well....I don’t really feel all that much great, I mean everypony is trying to find out who the pony is, and I have a feeling that if Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon find me out, they’ll never leave me alone, I’ve already been the target a couple dozen times due to my shortness, and now this? It’s not that I’m...dissatisfied with how I turned out, I really ain’t, but...” He stopped, as this was going to make him confront feelings he had never tried to confront before. “I’m still a perfectly functional pony, I still have eyes, muzzle, four legs, a tail, and all that, it’s just...”
His teacher looked at him kindly, softly urging him to go on.
“I know I’m not the only one, you know? And from statistics, I reckon it’s pretty likely that there are more colts and fillies, like that, it’s just, when Feather almost let out my secret, I felt afraid, I mean, I don’t know why, I don’t want to, like you said, live my life as a lie, but I also don’t want to be the weird oddity of the class.” He half smiled. “I hear when I get to college or adulthood it gets much easier, as there are places for ponies like me to meet others, but I can’t wait that long, while feeling sad over it!” He stopped, looking at the teacher, who returned his look. “Do you get me?”
She looked at him, and got down to eye level, putting a reassuring hoof on her shoulder she finally spoke.
“Yes I get you although....” She paused for two minutes, pondering, along the way saying things like “well...” or “Maybe it’s not such a bright idea”, or even “Maybe? I don’t really know”, but finally she spoke to him again.
“I don’t suppose you’d like to meet a pony? He’s a friend of mine, and I think he can really help you with your problem. If it’s ok with your parents, of course” She looked at him “ ...In fact....give them this....” she started writing a letter, that, after being sealed shut he put on his saddlebag. “If your parents sign it, and tell me, it’s ok, I will take you to him.”
Pip looked at the teacher, a smile on his face. He was pretty sure that, whatever his parents read on the slip of paper the teacher had handed to him, they would agree to let him do it. They were very kind and supportive parents, after all.
“So where are we going?” Pip asked his teacher, as they trotted to the town of Ponyville’s square. Where Sugarcube corner and all that one shop who sold both sofas and quills made business. Pipsqueak trotted behind his teacher, he was nervous, though he knew exactly where was he going the pony who he was going to meet was still a mistery, all he knew was that it was a male. And he assumed he was some sort of expert in young colts who happened to like other colts, but he didn’t exactly know.
His teacher stopped and looked at him preparing to talk but before she could, Pipsqueak corrected his sentence.
“I mean who are we going to meet?” he told her.
“We are going to meet a friend of mine, Caramel.”
“What can he do to help?” Pip asked, his voice filled to the brim with curiosity, and he would be lying if he said he didn’t have some self interest in it too. This whole meeting was for his sake, of course, so why wouldn’t he? He just wanted this whole thing to end up, or at least to be assured that everything was going to be alright, and not from a random pony that could say it, but would never experience that. He wanted proof that it was going to be ok.
“Well....Caramel had once had the same issues as you, he was once a colt and he shared the same....angst, you have, it took him a while to find himself, but he’s finally honest with yourself, I think maybe you can learn a lesson from him”. She resumed walking.
“Wait...didn’t Caramel have a fillyfriend?” He asked, clearly confused, though the obviousness of Caramel finding “Himself” had started to dawn on him. “Was he lying and pretending to like fillies?”
She nodded. “But I bet he can explain it better than I do, we’re here!”
Pip ran up to the stallion, with a child’s enthusiasm , he sat in front of him, in the table, Caramel acknowledged Miss Cheerilee with a hoof shake. He locked at the short and young pony in front of him.
“So you’re the little Pipsqueak Cheerilee told me about?” To Pip it was weird hearing his teacher’s name without the “miss” behind it, but he nodded all the same. “I get you, want something to eat, while I tell you a story?” Pip moved his head from left to right, saying he didn’t want something. “In actuality, you’re actually kind of lucky, if you were born just a couple of decades earlier, your life would be much harder. But I understand that to a colt, this all seems very melodramatic, and knowing you’re better than people in the past isn’t a consolation.” He looked at him, the colt was paying total attention to him. “There once was a colt that felt much the same as you, in fact, he was totally full of angst, and he decided that suicide was the best option. He....died.” Caramel’s eyes were overshadowed with sadness. “In his suicide note he indicated that it was due to not being able to take it anymore, the fact of constantly being ostracized, that is. Now it was a very famous story in my time, newsworthy, the papers went on and on for days, and it scared me, for I also felt that way.” Pipsqueak was now drinking his every word, wanting to know what had happened next. “Well I didn’t kill myself, but I did something equally as destructive. I repressed myself, I held back on my feelings for a lot of colts and stallions over the years. Did it save me from being shamed by some of them? I don’t doubt it, It’s hard to be shamed when you don’t have any contact with them whatsoever, but it also brought me misery. I kept having straight relationships, and though they fulfilled my ...” he realized what he was about to say to a colt that was still underage. “...Some of my needs, they still didn’t feel right.”
“It Got to a point where I couldn’t stand the thought of ever seeing another mare again, though I tried really hard to please my fillyfriend, cause I felt that I owed her, it just didn’t work out, besides, a relationship shouldn’t be about owing something to one another, it should be
“I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I made, while you don’t have to come out of the closet, at least know that you’re not the only colt or stallion, or male, who is gay. And really, if you need here, I’m here for you, and so is your teacher.” She (miss Cheerilee) nodded as Pip thanked him and left, she quickly followed after him, asking him if he was feeling better now.
Pipsqueak cleared his throat to get everyone’s attention, unfortunately this didn’t have the same effect that it did when the teacher did it, as no one paid him any attention. No one that is, except Feather, his former –current friend who he was not talking to, looking at him. Po+ip got a hard wooden box from under the window and he started talking, very slowly his school mates started looking out at him and hearing, in deep silence, both for respect and for interest.
“Listen up, to those who may want to know, I am the gay colt, not that there’s anything wrong with that! You see, Pinchy’s been surveying you all and it seems that you all wanted to know who It was, so there, it’s me, I like colts” He took a breath. “Some of you already knew that...
“Hey pip?”
“W..What is it?” Pip found it suddenly very hard to talk, not that the wall of privacy that protected his feelings of coming out to Feather had been shattered by himself it was uncomfortable to say the least. He still resented Feather a little bit, if he were to be honest.
“Do you think we’ll ever be friends like before? Because you’ve been avoiding me, haven’t you?”
No, to the first question, yes to the second.
“No! Where did you get that idea from?”
“I know you better than that. You are my best friend and have been for years. Now do you want to go play, or do you want to keep ignoring me?”
Pip sighed
“It’s complicated Feather I...” he paused. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry you don’t feel this way, and I’m sorry I had to ruin it”
Feather half chuckled.
“You didn’t ruin anything , you were just being honest, In actuality, I’m sorry I don’t feel the same way.”
The look of sadness in Feather«’s eye melted any resentment he had left, he was feeling pretty triumphant after being accepted by pretty much everyone and he was in a really good mood.
“Nah, don’t sweat it” he waved his hoof around. “None of us can’t control how we feel, and that’s fine for me. Besides...I don’t think I’m that ready for a relationship, got to enjoy the bachelor’s life first, just juice, cuddling, and showtunes!”
Feather blinked.
“what?”
“Just something a stallion told me, don’t worry.”
After that day, Pip had kept on talking with Caramel, who was more than happy to share his experiences so Pip didn’t commit the same mistakes as before. In fact they had became sort of friends trough generations.
And all was well for little Pip
