The Soapstone Chronicles

by MonolithiuM

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Human, Anthro, Romance
Length: 3279

A quartet of friends go to a convention dressed as Gwyn's four most trusted knights. After the convention, four friends go to Equestria literally as Gwyn's most trusted knights.

Jill, Chris, Max, and Jordan. The four of them have been friends since high school. Hell, they even went to the same college together. Shit, they all play Dark Souls too. With a united interest in the Souls series, the four of them decide to costume role play as each of the Four Knights.

Jill chooses the sleek vestiges of Ciaran, the Lord's Blade. Chris dons the golden lion armor of Ornstein the Dragonslayer. Max decides on the armaments of Artorias the Abysswalker. Jordan equips the massive armor of Gough the Hawkeye.

After a successful convention in San Francisco, the group prepares to head back to Washington, already piling into their RV. But, during a heavy rain whilst on a dark highway set against a mountain, the vehicle plunges off of a cliff and into a swirling maelstrom of water and lightning.

A flash of light later, and the four are accused of purposefully destroying a statue in a Princess' garden. Apparently, said statue was a living being imprisoned by six… ponies? The inhabitants of this kingdom certainly resemble Jill's favorite television characters, except they're… anthropomorphized. Now trying to find a way back to their world and wielding the true skills and abilities of the Four Knights, the good friends decide to cause a bit of trouble along the way.

The situation could be more favorable.

My own entry to the LoHAV universe, now featuring even more Dark Souls characters than ever before. Expect Darkwraiths, Gravelording, Zweihanders, Maggot Heads, and Gittin' Gud.

WARNING: MonolithiuM is not responsible for any fits of rage, invasion sprees, unwarranted praising of the sun, city-wide illusions, double-teaming, hollowing, tentacle rape, cannibalism, giant crows, or instances of getting dunked and/or slammed.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-01 17:17:36 UTC

Homeward Boned

“Well, that was pretty fun,” Chris remarked, slinging his PVC spear over his gold-painted plastic shoulder plate. “That Smough guy’s costume was really nice!” Chris’ friends all rolled their eyes underneath theirs helms.

“Just admit that you like chubby dudes, Chris,” Jill joked with her friend. Her own costume, Ciaran the Wasp, looked eerily close to the real thing. She supposed having a brother who could sew wasn’t such a bad thing after all, even if she did poke fun at him for it sometimes. Said brother laughed, his own weapon hefted over his shoulder as well.

Max pointed at his buddy, laughing obnoxiously as he slowly grew closer. Chris placed a golden hand against Max’s hood and pushed the troll away. “Go back to your Abyss, Artorias,” Chris said as Max was slowly but surely repelled.

“Get smashed by a hammer, Ornstein,” Max jokingly shot back. The two paused and shared a delighted laugh together, throwing their arms around one another. A huge set of armor walking close to Jill let out a hearty laugh.

“I’m blind, but even I can see that you two are gay as hell,” Gough mocked. Max and Chris quite literally pushed themselves away from each other and crossed their arms.

“It’s just guy love between two guys! There’s nothing gay about it!” Chris shouted.

“Yeah! Totally no-homo, Jordan!” Max shook his free fist at the hulking cosplayer.

Jordan chuckled and shrugged. “Just calling it like I see it.”

“You can’t see, dumbass,” Jill muttered to the man. Jordan stopped walking and helm-palmed, groaning painfully while Max and Chris shared another laugh together.

“I guess you didn’t see that one coming did you?”

“See that? His anger is practically resin-ating from his very being!”

…

“That was fucking terrible, bro,” Jill deadpanned, staring up slightly at Max, a look of stern disapproval beneath her mask. “Just… wow, that was so bad.”

Artorias’ arms hung from his sides with a sigh. “Yeah, I know.” Chris pat his friend on the back and pointed forwards with his spear, revealing their beautiful method of travel.

“Well, you can make up for that travesty of a pun by driving us all back home, Wolfman!” Chris’ offer of redemption made Max smile, and Artorias lifted his balsa wood sword once more and pointed it toward the RV.

“To Washington! With haste!”

All four practically tumbled through the door of the RV, with Chris and Jordan claiming spots by throwing their helms at their desired seats. Jordan’s landed upon the long couch, revealing the man to have dark skin and deep brown eyes, with a clean-shaven head. “Got the Chill Sill!”

Chris’ lion helmet bounced upon the opposite chair, and the blue-eyed, blonde-haired man fist-pumped, claiming the comfy seat.

Jill plopped down in a seat next to Max’s, removing her mask and then her helm to show her brown eyes and short, auburn hair. She smiled as her brother sat in the driver’s seat, properly removing the helm and then lowering the hood to show his own brown eyes and light brown hair.

The lights from above showed that a slight reddish tint existed upon his hair, and he inserted the keys into the ignition before accelerating out of the convention’s parking lot.

"Uh... I was supposed to take the right at the bridge?" Max had pulled his armored hood down and was now leaning forward in a vain attempt to peer through the heavy rain. Even with the windshield wipers swiping at maximum frequency the rain shrouded the flat glass of the windshield.

Jill spun the map around, squinting at the small labels and sideroads written upon it. "There are like, twenty different bridges on this map. Which one did we take?" A pair of loud snores rung through the cabin of the RV, causing Jill's eyebrows to lower into a frustrated deadpan. "Lazy asses."

"Why don't we try to find a little town or something and ask for directions?" Max asked, still trying desperately to spy the road from behind the wall of water. "I'm tired of driving through this crap, sis."

"No! We will not stop for directions as long as I have this map!" Her brother sunk back into his seat and groaned, glaring out at the dark and wet.

"You sound like a middle-aged father on a road trip, Jill," he said. "Let's just pull over and go to sleep, we'll keep driving in the morning, when it's brighter and the rain's stopped." Jill rolled her eyes and threw the map behind her, where it smacked Chris in the face with enough force to awaken him.

Chris began to slowly get up, groaning groggily as he did so. Neither Max nor Jill heard him over the pounding of the rain outside of the vehicle. Stretching, Chris trudged to the back of the RV and opened the fridge, fishing out an ice cold Coca Cola and a bottle opener. He began to struggle with the cap, finding that it was stuck on ludicrously tight. He began to jump about, throwing his body to and fro in a vain effort to relieve the bottle of its covering.

Max and Jill remained quiet, with Max finding it more and more difficult to see as he rounded a dark corner. Jordan began to stir as Chris hopped up and down, furiously tugging at the Coca Cola with a face of tense rage on his face. Jill leaned on her arm, staring out the window just as a flash of lightning revealed what was just outside the RV.

Nothing but air.

"MAX!"

Before her older brother even had a chance to react, the RV jerked and flew out over the cliff, suspending the group in zero gravity for only a brief moment before plunging down to the inky churning waters below. Jill gripped the dashboard in a panic, screaming as she and her friends plummeted.

Max held the steering wheel in a daze, turning it rapidly left and right, as if still trying to turn away from the cliff. Jordan clung to his couch tightly, his jaw clenched and his breathing heavy. Chris wrestled with the Coca Cola, even as he spun about in the RV, completely oblivious to the situation.

Jill and Max looked at each other at the same time, their eyes wide with fear and pain. They were seconds from the water, and as a violent explosion of white light raced past their falling vehicle, illuminating the siblings' faces, they each cried out in unison their last thoughts.

"I LOVE YOU SIB!"

The sound of screeching tires filled the ears of the four friends, startling Max into reality as he pulled hard on the wheel, leaning to the left as he put all of his weight into turning the van into a hard left. The RV rattled to the sounds of shouts and screams as it tore along its way. The sound of crashing shocked all four of the friends, and yet the RV continued.

A thick cover of mud obfuscated the window, making it impossible for Max to tell where he was driving. For all he knew he was barreling through the halls of royalty at sixty miles per hour. The loud shattering of glass made itself known shortly before the RV slammed into something solid enough to stop it.

The entire company flew forward toward the front of the vehicle, getting slammed together in a large pile up. The quartet groaned as they untangled limbs and plumes, blinking to clear the spots from their vision.

"Got it!" Chris shouted as he sprang from the pile, placing the Cola against his lips and drinking from its contents greedily. "I thought I'd never get that Gwyn-damned thing open." Hearing a gentle knock against the RV's door, the four friends diverted their attention to it. "Oh, look, a visitor!"

"Well why don't you get it, Chris?" Jordan held his left arm, groaning loudly. "That really hurt. You guys alright? Max? Jill?" He heard two groans emanate behind himself, one deep and the other high. "Okay, nice to know you aren't dead." As Jordan rolled over and checked on his friends, Chris took another pull on his soda, stopping in front of the door.

The intensity of the knock increased, and Chris rolled his eyes, moving the Cola to his right hand and pulling the door open with his left. "How can we help... you?" A spear point entered into the doorway, with the shaft leading all the way back to a furry three-fingered hand colored white. The hand led to a body of golden, white, and blue armor with a pair of azure eyes glaring back at Chris.

"In the name of Princess Celestia of Equestria, I place you under arre-!"

SLAM

"Uh... you guys? There's something weird outside of the RV that wants to arrest us." Chris wore a look of confoundment, his blue eyes holding a mass amount of confusion as his grip on the soda tightened slightly. "And it's got a spear... and fur."

Jordan helped Max and Jill up easily, his strength more than adequate for the job. "Are you sure you're not just imagining that? Concussions can be nasty, man." Jordan's point made Chris scrunch his face up in confusion, and then take another long swig of the Cola.

Chris opened the front door once again, and agitated shouting exploded inwards, causing the man to shut the RV's door once again. A series of impacts made the group's hair stand on end. "The hell was that?" asked Jill, looking expectantly toward the door. Chris closed his eyes and sipped the soda again, leaning against the counter.

"Arrows," he said simply. "Fired by like, three dozen of those furry guys." If he was shaken, he sure as hell didn't show it, choosing instead to inspect the Coca Cola bottle intently. The other three exchanged worried looks between one another and then directed that worry toward the golden-armored man.

"Look, buddy, I think you just hit your head a little hard. Why don't you go sit down on the couch for now, okay?" Max eased his friend into the seat and looked back at Jordan and Jill. "I'll open the door and talk with these people, maybe we freaked them out... and we probably broke some of their stuff."

Jordan and Jill watched Max grab the handle for the door and turn it, opening the portal to the outside world.

"Put your hands up!"

SLAM

Max turned away from the door, walked across the RV, and sat down next to his friend, quickly accepting the Cola and taking a short sip from it. "Yeah, there are some furry people outside with spears, arrows, and magic." Max passed the Cola back to Chris, who finished it with one last gulp. "I'll get us one each."

While Max made his way to the fridge, Jill held her head in her hands, shaking it profusely. She then looked up at Jordan and touched his arm. "Okay, babe, I'll open up the door and talk with these people, then I'll get back to those idiots." She motioned to Chris and Max, rolling her eyes. "Wish me luck."

Princess Celestia stood behind her Guards, glaring at the bulky machine that had barreled through Canterlot Castle and destroyed Discord. She hadn't even thought it possible, to kill the Spirit of Chaos, but lo and behold, there he lay in pieces amongst the green grass. Chunks of dirt had been torn from the ground, the large vehicle had marred the Gardens with its destructive entrance.

She had to be sure she had seen one. If there was truly even one Human in that machine, she would have no other choice but to vaporize them all on the spot. After receiving a message from an alternate reality Celestia simply couldn't risk her ponies' safety. Reports of a sadistic, murderous sorcerer, a slippery, deceitful knight, and a muscle-bound machine of flesh and magic made her extremely wary of any and all of these so-called Humans.

However, the list of villains did not end there, as it went on to include psychopathic ninjas, destructive war machines, genius inventors, even herself! Equestria, or at least her Equestria, was peaceful and harmonious, and she wanted it to stay that way. And so she had made an executive decision: eliminate all Humans that enter Equestria. None could be trusted, and if one had a good heart, there were sure to be thousands more who wished her nation harm.

Thus, she pulled her rapier from her belt and marched towards the machine, staring directly at the door. As she raised her fist to knock, the handle turned, unlocking the door as a figure shorter than herself made its presence known. The door opened up wide to a furless, smiling face with short reddish hair framing it.

"Hello! We could really use your-"

Celestia pulled her rapier back, glaring directly into the Human's eyes. She needed to do this.

For her ponies.

For her nation.

For the good of the entire planet.

She thrust her weapon forward.

The first thing Jill registered was the intense, searing pain in her abdomen. The second thing was a rush of force from behind her. The third thing that flowed through her head was that Princess Celestia had just stabbed her. Sure, Celestia looked human-ish now and had just stabbed her, but still! Princess friggin' Celestia!

The rush of force turned out to be Jordan as his foot collided into Celestia's chest, sending the Princess hurtling backwards into her guards and her rapier twirling somewhere into the Gardens. They were in Canterlot Gardens! Holy crap! Jill thought of this as Jordan pulled her limp body inside and slammed the door with such force that the entire RV rattled.

"Oh shit, oh shit! She stabbed you! What the hell was that thing? Why did she stab you? Oh my God, oh my God!" Jordan cradled his girlfriend in his arms, brushing her hair from her face. "Please be alright, please be alright..."

Max was already on his feet, his fists balled and his face contorted into rage. "I am going to beat some serious Furfag ass."

Chris only stared wide-eyed at his friend, and the Cola in his hand shattered on the floor of the RV. "Uh... dude?"

"What?!" Max whirled on his friend, his teeth grit together with such force he thought they would shatter. "Are you gonna try to stop me?" Chris shook his head, only pointing directly at his buddy. Max blinked and looked down at himself, and his jaw dropped in bewilderment.

"You're abyssing yourself."

"That's not a word, moron..." Max spun about and kneeled next to his sister. Jill groaned and slowly sat up, still holding the spot where she had been skewered. "Oh my God, that hurt like a sack of bricks to the chest."

"Jill... you're okay?" Jordan hugged his girlfriend, and Max soon threw his arms around the both of them. "Thank God!"

"Don't thank him yet, we've still got some furry ass to beat, right?" Chris hopped up and found his helmet, plopping it on casually. The rest of his friends stared at him as he continued to adjust pieces of his armor silently, inspecting each and every plate and hinge. "The way I see it, we just got thrown into a screwed-up parallel of Jill's favorite television show..."

"Second favorite, gotta love Game of Thrones."

"Yeah yeah, whatever. That, and as Max has just displayed: we've got the Four Knights' abilities." Swinging his spear around, Chris held it out at the three of them. "We can totally take these yiffers."

"Look, Chris..." Jordan held his brow, groaning internally. "Just because Max displayed some smoky abyss-like stuff, doesn't mean we have power too. That, and we don't have any fighting experience. And last, these suits are made of PVC, cardboard, and balsa wood! We're screwed if we try to fight them!"

In response to Jordan's doubts, Chris slammed the blunt end of his spear into the floor, sending lightning up toward the blade and arcing around his body. The other three stared at their friend, speechless for a moment. Then Jordan and Max grinned. "We can totally take 'em," they said in unison.

Jill shot up. "You guys! They're just innocent ponies!" She suddenly went quiet and held up a hand to silence her friends before they could retort. Celestia had just looked her dead in the eyes and stabbed her. This was no accident. Misunderstanding or not, that was super uncool, and extremely deliberate. "Actually, scratch that. I just got stabbed by the leader of Equestria on purpose. I have just decided that this Equestria can suck a fat one."

Reaching into the glovebox, Jill retrieved her mask and locked it into place. "So... what's our plan of escape?"

Celestia stood up shakily, recovering from being unceremoniously smashed through several lines of her Guard. She hadn't felt physical pain like that in several centuries, and this only reinforced the fact that these Humans were against her interests. There was no amount of force held back from that kick, she had felt, and this strengthened her resolve against the Humans.

Recuperating from the blow, she held her hand in the air, pulling a shaft of light from a single ray of sunlight. Taking her aim, she made sure that she wouldn't miss the machine, aiming squarely for the door. She paused once she heard a commotion coming from the RV, and she tensed when the leviathan that had booted her climbed atop the machine. He was followed by a Human wearing a golden lion helm and similar armor.

"Alright you Goddamn Furfags, listen up! You hurt our friend, and we're pretty pissed about it! You have eight seconds to clear the area, starting now!" The golden one had a long spear held in front of him vertically, and the lion-faced helm glared down at her contemptuously.

The huge, iron-wearing Human brought out an equally-large bow and slammed it down, causing the ponies in the Garden to gape at its immense size. "Thou hath brought pain to my woman. If thou shalt stay, may pain be upon thee!" His deep voice rattled the chests of the Guards, but they did not waver.

The golden one looked back at his comrade. "Really hamming it up, aren't you Gough?" The huge one only chuckled.

"I've always wanted to talk like that and not sound ridiculous."

"Cool, I guess. Well, anyway, your eight seconds are up! Yo, Artorias, floor it!" The golden one slammed his spear into the machine twice, and lightning surrounded it as it shuddered with some kind of power. Black mist flowed from underneath its wheels, mixing with a purple smoke as the wheels spun.

The golden armored one leapt down the machine and hopped into a window before popping his right shoulder and spear outside. "Jousting! RV Ornstein style!" The machine, seemingly called an RV, roared as it accelerated towards Celestia and her Guards at alarming speeds.

"Clear the way!" Celestia yelled, just barely managing to jump to the side as the lightning-encased, dark magic-ridden RV tore through her warriors like water through toilet paper. The RV smashed through the double doors to the Ballroom, throwing glass, grass, and tons of ass through the air like a violent drug-dealing pimp in a window store.

It then splintered another set of double doors, these mahogany, and careened down the stairs and out into a hallway. Celestia grit her teeth, spread her wings, and gave chase after the Humans.