Eight Degrees of Nope

by lunabrony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy
Length: 2629

Talked into petsitting, Pinkie Pie manages to lose Fluttershy's pet tarantula. So she comes to a completely logical conclusion. Sugarcube Corner must burn.

Talked into petsitting, Pinkie Pie manages to lose Fluttershy's pet tarantula. So she comes to a completely logical conclusion. Sugarcube Corner must burn.

Published 2014-03-31 01:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-02 17:33:10 UTC

Burn, Burn, Burn (1/3)

You never knew what was going to happen in a place like Equestria.

Ponies (and to a minor extent dragons) woke up every day not knowing what that particular day may bring, and anything was possible. A market vendor might show up for work one day to find that his stall had been turned into a replica made out of pudding, or a pony might show up to a best friends house to find out that the friend in question had been turned into an antelope. Every day was a new adventure, and for the most part, all adventures were welcomed.

Of all the normal every day events that occurred in Ponyville, many seemed, at first, not so normal. At least to an outsider, anyway. One such example was the endless bounding back and forth of a bright pink mare, who seemingly never once ran out of energy. The mare in question bounded past several other ponies at breakneck speeds, all of whom saw fit to look up from what they were doing. And all, in turn, received a warm greeting.

"Hi, Cannonshot! Hi, Cherry Springs! Hi, Waffle Iron!" This last bit wasn't directed at any pony in particular, but at an actual metal waffle iron, for fear that it would feel left out.

"Where are you going in such a rush, Pinkie?" A young stallion asked.

"To Fluttershy's house!" She called, barely slowing down. "She said she needed my help, and a true true friend always helps a friend in need!" With that she was gone around the corner, leaving the stallion puzzled as to why her words sounded so familiar. Must have been a dream or something.

Pinkie hurried up the long path to the cottage, and knocked twice before letting herself in. Perks of being a friend, after all.

"Flutterbutt!" She sang. "I'm here, whatcha need?" She was always more than happy to help a friend who needed her, even though sometimes they couldn't always return the favor. It simply wasn't something she expected them to do anymore, although she fully believed that an act of kindness in itself was its own reward.

Speaking of such, relief had flooded over the face of the Element of Kindness, as a desperate plea for help during a necessary last minute outing.

"Oh, thank you," Fluttershy gushed again, rushing about her cottage to throw various small items into a suitcase. None of the items seemed to make all that much sense in terms of consistency, ranging from a rubber chicken to a wine glass to a small scale model of a farm.

"Are you sure you need all these things?" Pinkie asked. She wasn't normally one to question things that didn't make sense, but in the case of Fluttershy, it was unexpected.

"Oh, yes," the pegasus squeaked. "I received a scroll only this morning that a rare laughing hyena has stopped laughing, and I have to go to the Canterlot Zoo to try and cheer it up," she explained. "Most of my animals are already cared for in short term situations like this, but I can't account for all of them, and I absolutely need your help. You were so good at foalsitting that one time, and you've been such a good friend in the past, I knew I could count on you."

"Oh, I do love your animals!" Pinkie said. "What do you need help with today? A seal? A lion? A tiger? A bear?"

"Oh my," Fluttershy squeaked. "No, nothing like that. I wouldn't put one of my friends in charge of something so dangerous. No, I just need you to watch my tarantula."

All at once, Pinkie's bright and cheerful world absolutely shattered, and she felt her mane go through several levels of deflation.

"What."

"My tarantula. Her name is Ida." The pegasus was completely casual about this, as if she had no idea that was keeping a minion of death in her house. Pinkie suddenly suspected that there was perhaps a reason everypony else had turned down Fluttershy's request.

Pinkie's voice cracked. She would have preferred the lion. "Oh, Fluttershy, I don't know if I can-"

"And I'm just so grateful that you said you could help, I don't know what I would have done otherwise. You were my last hope, and I'm just so happy you were available. Honest."

Well, crap. Pinkie forced a smile. "Of course," she said.

"Wonderful," Fluttershy said, moving over to push a cage forward. It was covered with a cloth, and Pinkie saw no reason to remove said cloth.

"This is Ida, and she's very sweet, she just needs a lot of attention and doesn't like being left alone. She feeds herself, but she gets very upset when I'm away."

"She feeds herself?" Pinkie asked. "As in... she gets out?" She really didn't like the sound of that. But at the very least was grateful that she didn't have to feed it.

"Well of course she gets out, silly. But you have to let her out, and watch her very closely. I don't want anything to happen to her."

Pinkie opened her mouth to say something, but Fluttershy gasped and cut her off.

"But I'm..."

"Oh, I'm going to miss my train, you'll do really well, Pinkie, I know you will!" And picking up her suitcase, she raced out the door. Fluttershy really was in a hurry, and in moments had left poor Pinkie behind.

"...Afraid of spiders..." Pinkie finished, finding herself now alone with the demonspawn Fluttershy had put under her care.

There was absolutely no way that this was going to end well.

Burn, Burn, Burn (2/3)

Standing alone in the middle of Fluttershy's cottage with this thing, the first order of business was to get it back to Sugarcube Corner. As much as Pinkie wanted nothing to do with it, Fluttershy was counting on her, but so were the Cake's. She was going to have to compromise.

Pinkie managed to bring around a small wagon that Fluttershy often used for carrying animals, and picked up the small covered cage, placing it on the wagon.. She put several rocks on top of the cloth, as she didn't want to have to look at the spider, nor so much as be reminded it was there. With that accomplished, it was a simple task to pull the wagon back to the bakery. The cage fit in the wagon, so there was absolutely no chance of it tipping over.

After a significant amount of work, the cage made it to the lower level of Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie then went about her work, trying not to give the spider another thought. Icing cupcakes, finishing orders, and baking bread, a reasonable number of hours had passed before she finally gave in.

"Alright... enough's enough..." she said to herself. "Fluttershy is counting on me."

"Pinkie!" Mrs. Cake called from the other room. "We're closing for the day, make sure you lock up when you leave, alright?"

"I know!" Pinkie called. "Don't worry, I'm just going to finish this order and I'll be all done!"

"Such a good worker," Mrs. Cake sounded pleased. "Thank you, Pinkie." And shortly after was the jingle of the front door opening and closing. Then quiet.

Pinkie sighed and put away the last of the decorating kits, before making her way to the storage room where she'd placed the cage. It remained exactly where she'd left it, the cover still over top of it.

"Just a spider... nothing to be afraid of..." Pinkie said, gradually removing the cover. With the rocks removed, she took a deep breath and whipped off the covering.

And stared at an empty cage.

"I... I don't... understand..." Pinkie was horrified. "I put weights on the lid..." She inspected the cage further, which she probably should have done in the first place, and realized that the lid was, in fact a door on the side of the cage. The weights over top had been completely useless.

"The spider is missing..." she hissed. "The spider... is missing... spider... missing... spider... missing..." With this horrific realization, her hair began to fall flat. Her bouncy curls gone, her hair had fallen straight across her face, and her pupils dilated.

"Gotta find... spider..." she hissed, and flipped over a nearby bucket. "Nope." She turned the bucket back upside down again, and waited a moment or two before flipping it over again. "Still nope..."

From there, the search was on. Pinkie flipped over all sorts of items, no matter how small or unlikely, racing around Sugarcube Corner like a tornado in an attempt to find the missing arachnid.

A table was overturned. No spider.

A carpet was pulled up. No spider.

A cabinet was completely emptied. No spider.

Pinkie was beside herself, and the more she thought about it, the worse the situation became. By the time she had finished with the unfortunate bakery, it looked as if a hurricane had ripped through every corner of every room. The Cakes were not going to like this.

"Okay, Pinkie, calm down, calm down..." She muttered to herself, her eye twitching. "It's just a spider. A spider that doesn't belong to you. A spider that eats other living things..." she muttered. "Well, if that crawling arachnid is coming after me, it's my job to come after her first." She smiled. "Yes, yes, Fluttershy will understand. It's an act of self defense. She said herself that spider has to feed, and if it has a right to feed, then I have to deny its feeding." She cackled with laughter.

"But how to do it? Its small, and easily escapes most traps... I'll have to plan this carefully." She looked about the kitchen for inspiration for any source of spider killer, and her eyes eventually fell upon the regulation fire extinguisher above the oven. "Of course..." A wide grin spread across Pinkie's face as she was hit with the inspiration she was looking for. "That'll work."

Taking the fire extinguisher, she began to smash it wildly against various items, the idea being that she would destroy the spider before it could destroy her. But even that lasted only a few minutes before the extinguisher exploded following a particularly harsh smack, and sent her reeling backwards.

"Kill you..." Pinkie muttered. "Kill... kill... kill... kill...die... die... die! She cracked another devious smile. "Pinkie into battle go!" and took a lighter from the counter, the reflection of the flames dancing in her eyes. There so many flammable things around, so many deliciously flammable things.

"It's go time, spider..." She whispered. "Let's do this."

Burn, Burn, Burn (3/3)

As Pinkie poured spurts of gasoline all over the interior of Sugarcube Corner, she was not in the greatest of mental states. All she could think about was ridding the world of that awful arachnid, and just when she thought she'd talked herself out of burning the place down, she had another vision of the spider slowly crawling over her body while she slept. Emerging from wherever it was hiding right now under cover of darkness to feed.

Nope.

Nope.

NOPE.

Pinkie had brief flashes of vivid imagery as the gasoline soaked into the floors of the bakery. The look on Fluttershy's face upon learning that her spider had an unfortunate accident. The trauma she was going to cause the poor Cakes upon losing their beloved bakery, followed by joy as they realized how many bits they were going to get out of their insurance policy. Strange blue crystals and volumetric beakers... no, wait, that was someone else.

The gasoline containers were emptied and cast aside, the entire place filling with the nauseating stench of fumes. She'd have to act fast. Pinkie grinned a wild grin on her face as she struck a lighter, the dancing flames reflected in her dilated pupils.

"Time to play, Ida..." She whispered, before throwing the lighter down upon the floor.

Fire sprang up instantly, spreading in all directions. Crackling and consuming everything in its path. It had no restrictions. And Pinkie was standing in the middle of it.

"No getting away now..." She smiled. But her smile quickly faded as a small bit of rational reasoning came through. "I should probably get out of here."

Diving through an increasingly high wall of flames, Pinkie twisted and turned. She didn't seem to be able to fully comprehend her position, and found herself right in the middle of a raging inferno. Every breath she took hurt her lungs, and the smoke stung her eyes. Pinkie pounded on the wall, inching her way towards the front door. "Gotta get out..." She muttered.

The smoke was having a strange effect on her, and ever so slightly her hair was beginning to curl again. "Maybe I overreacted just a little bit."

She finally made her way to the front door, but found her passage blocked by flames.

"Hey! Hey!" She yelled. "Let me out!"

Nopony seemed to be around, at least not that she could tell, but she could hear the wailing of sirens in the distance. After a few minutes, a small voice spoke to her from the other side of the door. "Hello? Is somepony in there?"

"Yes, yes, let me out!" Pinkie screamed. This didn't seem like such a good idea anymore.

"Stand back!" the voice yelled, and Pinkie stumbled backwards. The sharp blade of an axe slammed through the door, and it only took a few strikes before the door crumbled inward. Pinkie leaped through the flames, her fall softened by the yelp of a soft body underneath her.

Nearby, a grey pegasus came running towards them with a small bucket of water. "I'm coming!" She yelled. The pegasus threw the small bucket of water into the flames. It did absolutely no help.

"Nailed it!" She beamed.

As far as Pinkie was concerned, she was now laying atop a squeaking yellow pony. "Was I in your way? I'm sorry..."

Fluttershy was covered in black soot and grime, and had the pink party pony pinned underneath her. The fog in Pinkie's mind had finally lifted, and her breathing was slowly regulating. "Flutter...shy?" She asked, her voice filled with uncertainty and confusion. A small crowd had gathered, all drawn to the burning bakery and pouring flames. "I thought you were supposed to be in Neighbraska."

"Actually it was Reinsylvania."

"New Horsey?"

"Coltorado."

Fluttershy squeaked. "No more puns! I got all the way down there and realized I knew nothing about laughter... or hyenas."

Pinkie sighed. "Yeah, I was wondering about that."

"And on top of all that, on the carriage, look who I found!" With a waving flourish, she produced the biggest tarantula Pinkie had ever seen, and the latter shrieked and jumped backwards.

"What is that?!"

"It's my spider Ida!"

"...What."

Fluttershy smiled softly. "She was with me the whole time, the poor thing must have not wanted me to leave her alone, so she hid in my suitcase. And to think I made you worry about all that for nothing. I hope I didn't cause you too much trouble."

Framed by the flaming remains of the bakery, Pinkie's hair slowly started to deflate again.

"No. No trouble... at all. But Fluttershy?"

"Yes?"

"Never ask me to watch that spider again. I'm... uh... busy." She was really a terrible liar, but Fluttershy didn't seem to notice.

"Oh, that's okay, maybe next time you can watch my pet shark." ZOOM. "You can- Pinkie?" Looking around, Fluttershy suddenly found herself completely alone.

"How does she DO that?" Fluttershy wondered. She looked around, but saw nothing other than the towering flames leaping out of remained of Sugarcube Corner. No matter. Everything would be fixed by next week.

Ponyville was funny like that.