Well, this is definitely not Kansas, KILL EVERYTHING!
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Well, this is definitely not Kansas, KILL EVERYTHING!
"Ah, what a beautiful day," said Twilight as she stretched herself and let all her muscles settle in such a way that comfort could be the only result.
"Order Up!" shouted a voice from behind her. Twilight knew this was her order that had finished, so she waited there smiling for her favorite meal to arrive.
"So what did you order today?" asked Pinkie Pie.
"Oh, the usual," replied Twilight. It was true; it was now the usual before her—but seriously! Who could forget that spectacular masterpiece of a juicy, rich, plump Eggplant Burger? To hate it would be to hate everything good in life.
"I know that, silly. I was asking what you ordered today because I just wanted to say it." Said Pinkie Pie.
Having gotten used to Pinkie Pie’s unexplainable logic, Twilight watched as her meal was placed before her. "Yes, this is the day! Time to live, love, and eat!"
With that, Twilight Sparkle picked up her burger and prepared for her first bite.
~Death is Coming!~
"We are definitely not in Kansas any more." Said the Mary Sue leader known to the universe as Dorothy What's Her Bucket. Simply because when she returned to earth with her magic shoes she was able to build the master race of humanity to take over the universe.
Feared by all, any who opposed her were destroyed and any who wished to work with her were, well... destroyed. No mercy until we find Kansas! was her slogan, and since she knew where Kansas was she blew it up! So she had no worries there.
As she walked from her magic house that was controlled by her shoes, she looked around and took a deep breath.
"Well ToTo," she said, to a small skull that closely resembled a dog’s. "Let the games begin!" With that she pulled a small, square device from her pocket and shouted. "Attack!"
... of course, she knew that nobody would arrive for a couple of minutes, so she walked around to take a look at the new world she was going to obliterate.
Nice, I get to kill ponies. she thought with glee. She continued walking, getting weird looks from the ponies around her, for they had never seen her before in her life, their own lives even, but mainly hers. Both were true.
That was when she first found her target. Oh, it was so perfect! All she had to do was wait 30 more seconds; then she could start this party.
Lets just say the 30 seconds were long for her but short for Twilight.
~Death Begins Now!~
"The burger is six inches away from her mouth, guys," said Pinkie happily to anyone who would listen. "And now it's five!"
Twilight stopped her progression to her meal. Unfortunately, she had not even had her first bite yet. "Pinkie Pie, how can I enjoy this if you keep telling me how to eat!" she said sternly.
"Aw, now it's back to three feet," said Pinkie sadly. "besides Twilight, you're missing the point. I'm not telling you how to eat; I'm just commenting as you eat. It's like a horse race, but with a pony and burger."
Twilight just shook her head, and then she got a plan. A plan that was so ingenious that not even Star Swirl would comprehend it. Before Pinkie could do anything she picked up the burger and brought it to her mouth, biting down hard onto nothing.
In confusion, Twilight looked down to her burger, surprised to see dust fall from her hooves.
"What?" was all she could say as she watched her sandwich fall from it’s natural state.
"How could I miss that?!" shouted someone from behind Twilight. "That pink pony was supposed to get hit!"
Twilight heard nothing as she sat there in shock, her meal disintegrated in her hooves.
"Twilight! Get down!" shouted Applejack, only to be ignored by her magical friend.
This gave no choice as Applejack watched this beast lifted her stick and aimed it at Twilight. The beast was clearly irritated. Applejack leaped and tackled Twilight to the ground as she got hit with the blast, causing her head to pop in array of rainbows.
"Applejack!" shouted four voices, not Twilight's though; she's still in shock.
Then the strangest sound started as they tried to get Twilight out of the joint. The sound of portals started to open up and more beasts started to emerge from them. Then the one who shot Twilight's burger, and Applejack, but mostly Twilight's burger started to shout.
"Hear my voice now ponies! My name is Dorothy, the galaxy’s most feared human, and these are my humans. You are all going to die!"
With those words said, the humans started shooting their sticks at every pony they saw, popping their head on impact and turning their bodies to dust. Let's just say for every death a flower and breezy died, so more death.
Each pony ran for their lives, and Rarity and Pinkie Pie helped drag Twilight away from the lovely carnage that was wrought by the humans. Rainbow Dash had gone to contact Celestia but was popped before she could leave Ponyville. Not that it mattered, because Celestia was banished to the sun for letting humans touch equestrian soil, and Luna as being awesome and protecting ponies from nightmares on the other side. Luna could not be found, because she is best hider.
So now it was Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Twilight who was left over, and all the other ponies who were not popped like Vinyl and Lyra. Rose, Lily, and Daisy were still alive, but only for 3 more seconds.
"Twilight, snap out of it!" shouted Pinkie Pie. But Twilight could not be brought out of her grief, and she was hungry.
"Well, now what?" asked Rarity as she looked at the poor unicorn.
"Well, um, if it's okay with you guys, I can give her my burger," Fluttershy said softly. Unfortunately, Pinkie Pie and Rarity did not hear her because they got popped. Twilight, however, did hear her.
"Mine!" she shouted as she lit up her horn and grabbed the burger and brought it to her mouth, once again biting onto nothing. She looked down again, and watched her food dissolve in her hooves.
"That's it!" Twilight shouted, "What is going on here?!"
That was when Derpy flew by. "We are all being killed by Humans, so we are running away." With that, the bubble was popped too.
Twilight frowned.
"OK, I'll take the short version."
Twilight ran to the top of the hill, and raised her voice so all could hear. Her magic forced the Human sticks to bounce off her.
"Ponies of Equestria! Why are we hiding and running? We are Ponies, and screw running! We have magic!" With those words, Twilight started her Battle spell which allows from the beginning of the battle to change to laws of life. At least for ponies, the Humans suck so they don't get magic powers, just sticks.
Just when a Human was about ready to to tackle Twilight and beat her up, an orange pony named Applejack tackled the Human with fancy shoes named Dorthy.
Dorthy then looked up to her assailant and saw who it was allowing surprise to spread on her own face.
"I Killed you pony, why are you still here!"
Applejack just smiled that honest smile.
"Ponies don't get killed, they just re-spawn." And with that she bucked Dorthy down the hill and knocked her out cold.
"Twilight!" shouted Rarity, "We need to get to my boutique quickly before they eat my dresses!"
With a confirmation from Twilight, they made their way down to Rarities home and found a Human named Jeff eating a dress.
With a raging scream Rarity charged her horn and imploded the human from existence.
"Nobody eats my dresses!" shouted Rarity in rage.
"Unless it's made from cake!" shouted Pinkie Pie as she pushed her way out of a Humans eye ball, causing him to die.
It did not take long for the Humans to die off, and that was because Rainbow Dash did a Sonic Rainboom which blew up all their heads and only leaving one Human left. She survived because her head was buried in the ground like an emu. Twilight went over and picked her up from under the ground. That was when Twilight was shot from where she stood and sent back flying to beside her friends.
"You can never touch me you ponies! Because I wear the magical shoes of OZ, or what ever these shiny red high heels are!" shouted Dorthy with much confidence. "They are magic so therefore you can not touch me!"
It was then when Lyra walked up with a wicked smile on her face.
"If they’re magic," said the cool mint mare, "then we don't need to touch them." With those words, Lyra's horn lit up, causing Dorothy's shoes to glow as well. Then the sound started, and the shoes started grinding at Dorthy with blades like a blender.
Screaming in pain Dorothy started undulating roughly.
"I'm Grinding!" as her vertical size diminished.
"I'm Grinding"
"She is now five inches shorter!" shouted Pinkie, who was just happy to play this game again.
"I'm Grinding"
"Now a foot shorter!"
"I'm Grinding"
"Now three feet shorter!"
I'm Grindi-- *Splat*
"And she just got squashed by an anvil dropped by Derpy!" Finished Pinkie Pie.
All the ponies of Ponyville looked at the carnage around them.
"Welp," said Vinyl, "That was a dumb game."
THE
END
Author's Note
Moral of story: Don't Trust Dorothy!
~~+~~
Well this is my first attempt at quick comedy. Some might consider this a troll fic, but I don't care. Having fun writing this, I'm just glad to get it done.
The story Kill All Ponies is not meant to be taken seriously, for it was written to help battle depression and the Idea emerged during a major panic attack that hurt... allot. Hope you enjoyed it!
Mr. Flare
Editor's Notes:
BBOFF :
Tidal: After reading this, I became slightly terrified of the Wizard of Oz, and strangely became hungry at the same time. Very funny and an enjoyable read! This needs to be a video game, I’d play it!
