Once upon a time there was a vampire, not a badass vampire, but a pussy ass fairy vampire called Edward Cullen, that sparkled in the sun instead of burning. And instead of using his immortality to read books, write books, going out to see the world, playing World of War Craft without having to worry about wasting your life, getting drunk and having sex with horny vampire women, not going to colllage nor not using Google to keep himself educated, he kept going to school over and over again to keep himself smart, without somehow going insane.
Where he lived it was cloudy and rained all the time, everyone is so bored and behaved so unrealistically that they instantly fell in love with some not very attractive random mopey teenage girl, that had the personality and social skills like that of a blind harmless undead zombie with no mouth, whom moved into town recently.
But apparently in this universe, Bella Swan got the hottest guy in the town to fall in love with her somehow, using her awesome undead zombie like emotions, hypnotic staring powers and long drawn sighing and whiny groaning powers. However, she had some weaknesses such as not being able to pour tomato ketchup and needed her super vampire boyfriend to be with her all the time, because she was weak and needed a man to protect her all the time.
Edward Cullen was one hundred years old and was a creepy man that liked to sneak into people's houses in order to watch teenage girls like Bella sleeping in bed. But don't worry, stalking people and watching them while they sleep is considered romantic in this universe.
In fact Edward Cullen right now was next to Bella's bed watching her sleep.
Bella stirred, followed by opening her eyes to see Edward Cullen looking down at her with a smug grin on his face.
"Oh, how romantic!" she shouted.
And then Edward Cullen disappeared in a blinding flash of light. Since Edward was gone Bella became sad, apparently nothing in her life is more important than her creepy manipulative overprotective stalker boyfriend.
And so she pulled a handgun out of from a drawer next to her bed, and with nothing left to live for she committed suicide by shooting herself in the head, which splattered blood everywhere.
***
The pussy ass vampire Edward Cullen was flung across time and space across the infinite vastness of the multiverse for some reason, followed by reappearing in another universe, that unfortunately would have to deal with this pansy vampire.
Edward Cullen found himself standing inside another bedroom, where he saw the sexy unicorn Twilight Sparkle sleeping in bed and thus he instantly fell in love with her.
Using his Gary Stu level of sexy vampire powers he walked toward the bed to win the heart of this sexy unicorn. Once next to her bed, he stared at her as she slept, which was a very romantic thing to do in his universe.
Twilight opened her eyes to see Edward Cullen staring at her. Twilight initially had a look of panic in her eyes, but soon relaxed as she saw her tall and buff friend teenage dragon Spike sneaking his way from behind him as he held a baseball bat.
She gave him a nervous smile as he continued to silently stare at her. Edward grinned, sure of himself that this was going to win this unicorn's heart.
However, it soon became apparent that watching someone while they slept in this universe was not a very romantic thing to do. Thus he got smacked in the head by Spike's baseball bat from behind, which caused him to fall over, at the same time Twilight flashed her horn, to open a nearby window, followed by throwing Edward out the window with a levitation spell.
"Ow!" Edward shouted when he hit the ground hard. There was a flash of light in front of him, followed by the appearance of Twilight and an angry Spike still holding the baseball bat. "I don't understand! Why aren't you loving me?!"
"Because watching Ponies while they sleep is not romantic!" shouted Twilight.
"Yeah, get out of here! You creepy stalker!" shouted Spike at he pointed to the Everfree Forest.
Edward cried like a bitch, stood up and then slowly walked away. Twilight cried in sadness from her ordeal of that creepy man staring at her while she was asleep.
And then the true handsome manly Human gentleman named Commander Shepard ran toward grieving Twilight to give her a hug.
"Twilight, are you OK?" he said in a low voice with manly tears in his own eyes.
"Oh, Shepard. It was awful! He watched me while I slept!"
Shepard stroked her mane, she leaned her head to cry into his shoulder, and then he gave her a soft kiss on the forehead.
"I'll get that bastard! No one messes with my waifu!" he said while clenching his fist in anger.
She stared up at him with a tender look of love in her eyes. Slowly she drew her head closer to his and in a tender display of Human and Pony love they kissed.
***
The pussy ass vampire Edward walked into the Everfree Forest. He looked down at the ground sadly as he went deeper and deeper into the forest.
"Why doesn't Twilight love me!?" he shouted. Which resulted in many of the hungry predators inside the forest to know exactly where he is. "Why?! Why don't you love me?!"
Hungry eyes in the shadows stared at Edward as he continued to cry like a bitch, because Twilight doesn't love him.
"How could you not love me Twilight Sparkle?! I sparkle in the sun! Chicks love that! I'm sensitive, sexy looking and I stalk you while you sleep! What girl wouldn't want that?!"
Through his rambling he didn't notice the large pack of Timberwolves surrounding him.
"Ahahahah!" he screamed.
And then the Timberwolves pounced on him and tore the pussy ass vampire to pieces.
The End
