Why you should NEVER invoke cartoon characters at church!
You seen it in shows and read it being described in stories, you wake up floating in the void, get confronted by this or that 'Deity' they start yimmer-yammering and throughout it all the individual remains calm and collected, right? YOU wake up! YOU find yourself in the void between worlds! YOU find yourself the sole interest of a Deity, in my case FOUR Deities! The Boar King, The Crocodile King, The Vulture King and last but not least by any means was the OX KING! That's right I woke up face to proverbial faces with the Ancient Spirits of Evil! Needless to say, I promptly soiled my self. Actually..... I would have but let's start from the beginning and you'll figure out why that didn't work out like it could have, thankfully.
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Halloween and once again I was being hounded to attend church by anyone and EVERYONE. Come join us, save your soul and live out eternity basking in God's glory and praising his existence. Just WHY am I the only one around that sees a head cheerleader clique from high school in this description? Anyway, I caved and agreed to go and see guys cross-dressing and claiming that they're Jesus and they aren't a circus attraction version of Ruth. Considering that the preacher he, himself was Mary I really need to stop saying they were all Ruth. Let me give a run down on how he looks: a slightly longer beard, powder his hair, a red suit, a different canonized holiday celebration and you get the idea why one look and we're talking some serious therapy.
And what was MY costume you ask? Why, Mumm-Ra the Ever-living of course, who else? MWAHAHAHAH..hack-hack, cough-cough and you get the idea. Yeah, it wasn't the best idea ever but I wasn't thrilled to be going and I decided I might as well let people know without saying a bloody damned thing. I had done a pretty good job on my costume all in all. With how easy-ish and simple the costume was, I could have SO easily ruined it all. Grey body paint and some facial putty to get the shriveled mummy look, red contacts, four old bedspreads ripped to shreds to get the bandages and a dark red full body cloak with yellow/gold trim AND the ultimate finishing touch I found just hours before I was to get ready. I had just for the heck of it stopped at a Salvation Army Thrift Store and found a near perfect as you can get replica of the 2011 version of the ThunderCats Sword and Gauntlet of Plun-Darr. Why I say that it was as close as you get is that the Gauntlet had ALL six of the power stones where in the series they had managed to get only three of the six before the rebellion that stranded everyone on Third Earth AND in the hilt of the sword? None other than the Warstone, also known as 'The Eye of Thundera'. According to the 2011 series with the complete set like was in the sword and gauntlet Mumm-Ra would have been the most powerful corporeal being in the UNIVERSE! Needless to say I walked out thirty bucks poorer but only slightly less happy than if I had just won the Publishers seven thousand a week for life drawing.
Anyway, two near car wrecks getting to and getting into the car from people gawking at my looks. One cop driving off the street into a store front and one onto the car three behind me as I was stopped at a light while he was turning the corner and turning to look at me, yeah you could say that I was a driving hazard. Of course none of the wrecks were actually caused by me, it was from other peoples inept driving skills but this is one of those 'tell that to the judge' things that we ALL have heard and know about. Needless to say it was a uneventful drive of me ignoring all the chaos I was causing but enjoying it nonetheless Then there was the DISTURBING non-confrontation with the preacher. “Eric, it's SO good to see you!” Rasped through clenched teeth and then the bear hug with him dressed up as a woman. I was so shriveled by the end of the few second hug that I had a higher pitched voice that had the preachers wife asking me what was wrong. It was just the start of a more pathetic and painful night than even I thought it could end up being, with only one real noticeable enjoyable situation to the whole night. I was dressed up a undead demonic sorcerer while attending a Halloween party at a Pentecostal Church, talk about being a conversational piece! Of course all good things must come to end, mine ended when the preachers seven year old grandkid that is only just slightly less of a mindless Bible-thumper started in on me about demons, sorcerers, hell and the like for nearly three minutes before I ran out of tolerance. Just for shits and giggles I pulled the sword from it's sheath in the gauntlet and intoned one of histories most famous chants. “Ancient Spirits of Evil, transform this decayed form to Mumm-Ra, the Ever-Living!” I will say this staight up here and now, yes I was completely asking for that lightening strike saying that inside a church! I shold have gone as Jason Blood, would have been less painful.
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“AWAKEN!” The word made my existance absolute hell since it pulsed through my pain racked body and back again causing me to thrash awake.
“WHA!” I yelped as I jerked 'upright' only to start a Zero-G tumble which only got worse as I thrashed trying to stop myself and get my bearings.
“ENOUGH!” The bellow(s) was accompanied by yet more lightening which besides wracking my poor body with even more pain also latched onto me pulled me upwards until I was looking into what LOOKED like statues but the red glowing eyes that were also the sourse of the lightening was a dead giveaway that there was much more going on than I could possibly grasp.
"YOU call upon us!”
"YOU call upon our power!”
"WHY should we hear your call?”
"WHY should we not cast you into the void?” They said in quick succession.
Well, that's it, I'm screwed! “You're kidding me, you guys are REAL???! Oh this is so sweet!” I finally stammered while floated there in front of their faces.
"ANSWER US!” The Spirits bellowed making the eyes flare.
“Uh, yeah, right, right! Sorry!” I said panicing. “Okay look, as far as I knew, you guys were just background guys that had to put up with the bumbling of Mumm-Ra in a cartoon. I just said that chant to shut up a little shit up for a little bit.”
"Serve us.” Vulture said its eyes flaring.
"Spread our will.” Boar said its eyes flaring.
"We will hear your call.” Ox said its eyes flaring.
"We will give you the power you seek.” Crocodile said its eyes flaring.
I'm so terrified my mind was numb, I can't even feel the throbbing of my body. There was only one thing I could do, I started giggling like an idiot which after about a minute turned into a full blown laughing fit. “Sure , why not? What am I to do and I'll think of a list of the basics that I think I'll need and a 'I'd like to have' list.”
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All I can do now is I hope that little fucker is traumatized for life.
