You would think that after this long I'd get used to it, to the tentative knocking of a hoof against a door, faint but instantly recognisable. Each and every time there's a part of me which thinks this will be the last time it happens, and each and every time there's another part of me which hopes to high heaven that it won't.
Putting down the text book I was studying I slowly walk over to the door. It's late, my candle already burnt half down and I can hear Spike snoring gently from downstairs. If she was in her 'normal' mood then I doubt Spike could sleep through even if he hadn't slept for a week, as it happens though, the way she is right now she probably could have walked past him while he was awake and alert and he still wouldn't have spotted her.
Sometimes it's a surprise, but this time, today I'd half way expected it. I opened the door and there she was. It looked like she was trying to smile, to open her mouth and explain, but the energy or spirit just wasn't there. I pulled the door open wider and gestured for her to come in. Bright pink hair, hair that usually was fluffy enough that it looked like clouds of candy floss, hung limp, falling down one side of her face, practically hiding it from view, her fluffy tail hanging similarly.
I smiled at her and, as soon as she was inside, pulled her towards me in a hug, holding her tight until I felt the tension seep out of her and she relaxed in my grasp. I nuzzled her gently and she squeezed me a little tighter. Breaking contact, I gave her an encouraging smile and, this time,there was a very faint tilting of the corners of her lips, nothing like the grin she faced the world with. To be honest though...if I ever saw that when It was just the two of us.. I think my heart would break.
She still uses the smile when we're with the others, or when she's in Ponyville, planning a party, hatching a plan or coming up with some crazy schemes, but I see. I see that, while that smile's real, it's also forced. Like she's afraid that if it ever slips, other ponies won't want her around, like she's playing a role that she can never stop and never escape. One of the first times I found her like this and said I'd do what I could to help her, this was one of the few rules I gave her. That she never..Ever faked a smile for me. if she was happy and felt like smiling then that was fine, but that I didn't want her having to put on a mask just for my sake.
Slowly I guided her over to my bed, helping her up and making sure she was comfortable. I was sure that Rainbow Dash hadn't meant it, but when she'd made some comment today about my companion's head being too full with parties and games to be able to fit anything else in there, I could see the momentary fracture in the Pink earth ponies eyes before she covered it up again. At that moment I wanted to slap Rainbow silly. I didn't. She wouldn't have wanted it. It wasn't actually meant with any real harm behind it, or even any malice, it was just..It was the way ponies treated her. I'd know then that she'd be visiting me tonight, even if a moment later she was bouncing around asking if there was a party nearby that she hadn't been told about.
Once she was comfortable I began what had become a little of a ritual of ours, talking in quiet, hushed tones, asking how she was, listening to what she had to say, making more or less idle conversation, small talk, something to distract her and...and make her realise that not everyone saw her as just the Party Pony, a figure of glee and mirth and delight, someone who can always be called on to drop what she's working on to make someone smile.
That's one of the most beautiful things about her in truth. She genuinely does love to make people smile, seeing them happy and laughing makes her heart beat faster and feel good about herself for the day..I'm just not sure that anyone else realises the effect that having to be...herself, or at least the herself everyone expects, has on her, how draining and exhausting it can be.
A soft pink glow coats my hairbrush and it floats over to my hoof. Within a moment I'm slowly drawing it through her perfectly straight mane, softly, gently, as much to relax and look after my friend as to get the tangles out so tomorrow it'll be easier for it to be the fluffy mess that everyone adores. Almost everyone. I murmur soft sounds, sometimes words, sometimes no words at all, just little noises to make her feel safe and cared for.
Her breathing's calmed down a bit now and she's leaning into my brush and into my flank as I focus on her entirely, listening to her pouring her heart out and watching closely to see how bad it's going to be today. I might have to scold Rainbow if she does that again but my friend would just be mad.I'd once said that I treasured these moments alone, where it was just her and me, and I could see the real her. She looked at me and asked how she was even sure that this was the real her, and I could see in her eyes that, in truth, even she wasn't sure.
Her eyelids were fluttering now and I could tell that she was having a hard time staying awake. Sometimes it's like this. Most of the time she'll make her own way home after one of our chats, but sometimes its like she doesn't want to leave and I...Celestia help me, I don't want her to go. I never want her to go. Tonight looks like it'll be a night where she'll want to just sleep and I'll let her have my bed and a rest while I'll take a chair.
There's a small part of myself that really doesn't like me sometimes. That hates the fact that a Friend needed me for help and what did I do? I went and fell for her, head over heels. I'll...I don't know if I'll ever tell her, but y'know what...It doesn't matter, even if I never do, I'm helping her, I'm making her life a little better, and that's...that's reward enough
.
There is one other reward though..something that's more valuable to me than anything else in the world. Sometimes, before she falls asleep, she smiles at me. It's nothing like the grin she wears around everyone else, it's...It's small, it's special, it's heart-warmingly real...It's a secret smile, and she wears it only for me.