Derpy Accidentally a Portal Gun II
Admiral Biscuit
“So now what?” Chell asked after Derpy ate a second muffin. “How long are we stuck here?”
“The Princess will let me out pretty soon,” Derpy replied. “Probably. She's got a lot on her mind. She has to raise the sun and stuff, and I bet that's really hard. If she forgets about me, Mr. Post will wonder where I went, or Dinky and Sparkler will come looking.” Her face brightened. “Maybe the Doctor will come, too. He has adventures like this all the time, and he'd love to meet you.”
“Good for you,” Chell said sarcastically. “What about me?”
“I'm sure Princess GlaDOS won't forget about you.”
Chell snorted. “Princess GlaDOS. I might be better off if she does.”
A groan sounded from across the room. Derpy's head jerked around. “I don't think we're alone.”
“I smell food,” another voice said.
Derpy looked at Chell. “Run,” she suggested.
It had been two days since Derpy had gone missing. Amethyst Star had immediately put a contingency plan into action, and asked the two most knowledgeable ponies in Ponyville to find out where she'd gone: Dr. Hooves and Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie had struck out; the pegasus was nowhere within a ten-mile radius of Ponyville. She had, however, discovered that the last anypony had seen of Derpy was when she left Ponyville with a package for Canterlot; Applejack and Big Macintosh confirmed that she had flown over the farm, and Raindrops had seen her headed east over Whitetail Woods. It was a good bet that whatever misfortune had befallen the pegasus had occurred on her way to Canterlot, or else after she'd arrived. Thus, Raindrops was scouting her route, while Dr. Hooves had gone ahead to Canterlot on the morning train, to find out what he could in the capital.
Amethyst Star, AKA Sparkler, AKA Amey The Hoof, stood in the living room, waiting for Dinky to come home. She knew something was wrong, had known it as soon as she stepped into the house she shared with Derpy the day the pegasus went missing. The kitchen had been clean—too clean. Derpy usually came home for lunch, got a bunch of stuff out, and left in a hurry without cleaning up. But the house had been as neat as it was when she'd taken Dinky to school.
Changelings, she thought. It's always changelings.
She opened the hall closet and slid all the scarves to one end of the clothes rod, and then closed the door. She tilted the horsehead bust forward—every house in Ponyville had at least one, from Busts and Flushes—then re-opened the door. This time, she moved the scarves to the other end of the rod, before closing the door again. Licking her lips eagerly, she yanked the horsehead back ninety degrees, and there was a loud click in the closet, followed by the grinding of earth-pony machinery. When she opened the door this time, the winter clothes were gone, replaced by the armory. It was a complex arrangement, but with a curious filly in the house, they couldn't be too careful. They'd never forgive themselves if Dinky got into the heavy weapons.
Sparkler stepped into her tactical vest and began slipping magazines in the pockets, mentally cataloging what equipment was best for a rescue mission.
Think light and portable, she told herself. Movement is key. If it goes pear-shaped, fall back and regroup. Her eye fell on a coil of rope, and she levitated it over. You don't know what you're gonna need it for, but you just always need it.
Once she was kitted up, Sparkler's eyes fell on the tactical shotgun. You couldn't beat a shotgun for close-quarters work, and she could always let Dinky use it. It was hard to miss with a shotgun, which was just the thing for a filly.
She remembered to grab Dinky's foal-sized tactical vest out of the closet, along with a medkit for each of them. Finally, she picked a set of enchanted medallions—they could each wear one around their neck, and changelings couldn't duplicate them. If things got ugly, it was a quick way to sort out friend from foe.
As she was about to shut the door, her gaze was drawn to a long, slender case. She tapped her hoof on the ground thoughtfully. It might not be useful, but Derpy would never forgive her if she left it behind. It was the pegasus' pride and joy—sometimes she wondered if Derpy loved it more than she loved the Doctor—and it would be a shame to leave it behind on a mission.
Her preparations complete, Sparkler unwrapped a granola bar. She'd fallen in love with them during long stakeouts; they gave her a quick bit of energy and were super-portable. Plus, they didn't get squished like Derpy's beloved muffins.
♘ ♘ ♘
Sparkler's ears perked at the sound of hoofsteps outside the door. She yanked it open to see Noteworthy in front of the house, a small, low-sided wagon in tow. It wasn't luxurious, but it would serve its purpose. They weren't allowed to take dangerous things on the train—even hoof-clippers were considered 'dangerous,' as far as the train was concerned—so her current kit was right out. Had she just had herself to consider, she would have hoofed it, but Dinky's little legs weren't up to the journey to Canterlot.
She could have pulled the wagon herself, but it was so much nicer to ride in it. Noteworthy was a sucker for a pretty face, and while she felt bad for using him, she didn't feel all that bad. Still, she'd have to remember to do something nice for him once this was all over. Something he'd really appreciate. Like a pan of brownies.
She grabbed all their equipment in her aura and hauled it out the door, dumping it carefully into the wagon, before hollering for Dinky to come down.
A moment later, they were riding out of Ponyville.
♘ ♘ ♘
Sparkler had to help pull the wagon up Unicorn Mountain. Noteworthy could have done it himself after a day of rest, but she didn't want to wait. Who knew what the changelings were doing to Derpy? She took the lead position, figuring if he was staring at her hindquarters as they ascended, he wouldn't be thinking about how tired he was.
When they arrived at the hotel—a seedy dive on the outskirts of Canterlot—Sparkler wasted no time unhitching herself and carrying their stuff inside, followed by Dinky, who was curled up against a duffel bag, fast asleep. She tucked her in, and began inspecting their kit while Noteworthy took a shower.
He had a hopeful look on his face when he came out of the bathroom, a towel draped over his back, but she just shook her head and pointed to the crummy couch, where she'd already laid out a blanket.
Noteworthy was fast asleep when she finished her shower, lying on his back with his head draped across the arm of the couch. She smiled—he was kind of cute when he was sleeping—and climbed into bed next to Dinky.
♘ ♘ ♘
After Noteworthy had left, Sparkler and Dinky discussed their strategy. Dr. Hooves had been in Canterlot for days, gathering intel. He had learned that Derpy had discovered a 'human'—a name they assumed was a type of changeling—and was imprisoned in the castle as a result. Princess Celestia had gotten tired of these so-called 'humans' and had ordered them all banned, and the ponies who found them thrown in the Crystal Caverns.
She would have liked it if he could have assisted them in their mission, but he said that there were certain non-intervention rules in place that had been decided on at an intergalactic temporal conference, and she respected that. Everything, even war on changelings, needed rules, or else it devolved into uncivilized barbarity.
“We're going to go in through the storm drain,” she explained, “which will lead us into the holding pond under the center of the castle courtyard. Once we're there, we just have to get down the west hallway, where there's an access shaft. We'll rappel down it—since I thought to bring rope—zip into the crystal caverns, grab your mommy, and get out. Easy-peasy.” She ruffled Dinky's mane. “I'll need you to be rear-guard. You'll have the shotgun. If you see anypony coming behind us, point the barrel of the gun at them and pull the trigger.”
“Won't that hurt them?”
“Hopefully,” Sparkler said honestly. “But it's okay, because they're working for the changelings, and ponies who work for the changelings—“
“Are bad ponies,” Dinky finished with her.
“Exactly. Have you got all your equipment?”
Dinky nodded.
“Okay. Let's go.”
♘ ♘ ♘
Like everything else associated with the palace, the storm drain was clean and well-maintained. Sparkler and Dinky had to take cover several times, as storm-drain employees passed through, scrubbing the everpresent algae off the walls, or fishing dead rats out of the water to re-use for meals at the Griffon embassy. Luckily, unlike most storm-drains, it was well-lighted, yet equipped with convenient dark alcoves where a pair of ponies could hide when needed.
The holding pond was the size of a hoofball field, a vast underground lake with tall pillars supporting the ground above. It was a masterpiece of pony engineering, with an outflow system designed in stages, to control the flow of water to manageable levels, yet still provide sufficient reserve in case the weather pegasi screwed up and accidentally brought a monsoon. Getting around it was the toughest part of the mission; Sparkler and Dinky hugged the wall and hoped nopony was across the other side of the gloomy expanse. They shuffled along to avoid the telltale sound of a shoe striking rock, grateful for the black ninja suits that Pinkie Pie had loaned them.
When they were almost to the hallway that led to the access shaft, Sparkler tripped over a loose cobblestone that maintenance hadn't found, and stumbled into the wall. She shifted her hooves for balance, which rang out across the pond like a gong. A moment later she heard a challenge shouted at them, and a beam of light from a guard's horn lanced across the water.
“Should I shoot him?” Dinky asked, raising the shotgun.
“No. Run.” Sparkler took the lead, charging down the hallway, frequently checking to make sure Dinky was still behind them. She had her guns out, now; a .44 caliber Desert Eagle on her left, and a Heckler and Koch MP-5 on the right.
The guard was still playing catch-up when they arrived at the shaft, his forward progress hampered by the short bursts Sparkler randomly directed down the hallway. She wasted no time in looping the rope over a handy piece of pipe. She clipped a carabiner on Dinky's vest to a D-ring on her own, looped a descender over her forehoof, and looked down at Dinky. “Ready to go rescue mommy?”
Dinky nodded eagerly.
“Shotgun at the ready. If it moves, shoot it. Unless it's mommy. Don't shoot her.” Sparkler tossed a flash-bang down the hallway to slow down the guard, and jumped into the shaft.
She sped down the rope faster than was wise—especially with a foal under her belly—but sooner or later the guard was going to think of ending his problems by cutting the rope, and she'd rather have her hooves on solid ground when that happened.
They hit the bottom of the tunnel hard. Dinky groaned as she crashed into the ground; she'd forgotten to bend her knees. Sparkler landed more gracefully, cleared the rope, and yanked Dinky into the side hall.
She lit her horn, projecting a beam of light down the hallway. As she'd anticipated, there was a protective grate over the entryway. Good thing she'd brought Detacord.
“Close your eyes, flatten your ears and open your mouth,” Sparkler instructed after she'd finished with the grate. “This is going to be loud.”
Dinky complied. With a ground-shaking whomp, the grille blew apart. Sparkler nodded in satisfaction and ran into the room.
It was like her worst nightmare. Dozens of bipeds were crawling across the floor, their hungry eyes locked on her. As the dust cleared, they began a plaintive cry. “Sparkler! I love you! You're my waifu! Let me show you what a real man can do!”
She grimaced. These were worse than changelings.
“Mommy!” Dinky cried, pointing to a crystal ledge. Derpy had flown up to a safe spot, and was peering over the edge, waving at them.
“Brought you a present,” Sparkler said, unfastening the bulky case from her back. “I'll send it up. Dinky, lay down covering fire as needed. Don't let them get too close.”
Dinky nodded, and fired a warning shot at the gibbering horde. One of them called out, “guns aren't canon,” but a well-timed shot in his direction shut him up.
Sparkler floated the box over to Derpy's waiting hooves. Trembling with excitement, the pegasus opened the box and pulled out her pride and joy—a Barrett M82. She wasted no time in setting it up.
“How the hell are you going to use that thing?” Chell asked.
“Ponies have very dexterous hooves,” Derpy explained.
“But your eyes . . .”
“Only need one to shoot.” Derpy settled down behind her gun, the stock firmly pressed against her shoulder. She squinted through the scope until she found her target, and ever-so-gently caressed the trigger. The gun spoke with a whipsaw roar that echoed through the chamber.
After the echoes died down, the only noise that could be heard was the soft tinkle of falling crystals. Derpy looked at her hoofiwork and sighed. “Shit. Low and to the left.” She made a slight adjustment to the scope and raised her voice. “Listen up, everypony: this is how it's gonna go. I want everypony to move over to that far wall, and stay there. Sparkler's gonna make us an exit, and if I see anypony so much as twitch, you're gonna look like that guy down there. Once we leave, you can use the same exit we did, I really don't care. You'll be the guard's problem then. But know this—if I hear or see a single one of you after today, I will end you. Capiche?”
The scrambling of feet against crystal was the only answer she got.
Sparkler wasted no time in setting up her Semtex charges against the outside wall of the cavern. She ran the wire back to the base of the precipice where Derpy had set up her fortress, and at a nod from the pegasus, twisted the trigger.
With a satisfying boom, the wall crumbled in front of them. Derpy's face lit up at the sight of the open sky.
The pegasus wasted no time packing her Barrett back up, strapping its case to an extra tactical vest Sparkler had brought. She grabbed Chell under the arms and flew her down to the ground, while Sparkler kept an eye on the terrified humans.
“Dinks, cover your ears,” Derpy ordered. She pointed to the fallen human. “He tried to get under my tail from the moment we arrived,” she told Sparkler. “He said the most disgusting things you can imagine. I don't feel guilty at all.” She rubbed her hooves together. “All right. Did you bring your wingsuit?”
“Of course I brought my wingsuit, mom,” Sparkler said. “I didn't know what condition you'd be in, and a proper mare is always prepared.”
“Good girl. While we were trapped, me and Chell had a nice mare-to-woman talk, and I think we'll have her come with us. I can't leave her behind with all these . . . men. I'll carry her, and you carry Dinky. We'll just glide off the mountain, easy as pie.”
“And then?”
“Did you leave any evidence behind?”
Sparkler shook her head.
“That's my girl. Then, we just act like nothing out of the ordinary happened.” She pointed to the body in front of her, then turned towards the cowering humans and raised her voice. “If anypony asks, he used his magic to break the wall, and then his head exploded.”
Author's Note
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