Why Am I A Filly?

by Sleepy Panda

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 8456

A human boy awakens in Equestria as a filly and is forced to keep his human nature secret from other ponies.

Hi! I'm Nick and I'm a human I somehow turned into a pony. But worst of all, I am a filly! This is awful! And on top of that, I am being threatened by Princess Luna, chased by the cutie mark crusaders, and Fluttershy hates me. Things can't get any worse, right? Enjoy the terrible cover art I made.

Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Feel free to point out any errors you see.

Published 2014-04-02 02:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-26 14:30:41 UTC

Awakening

"Hey, are you alright?"

I think someone is saying something, but I'm not sure. Anyway, even if there is, it probably isn't important enough for me to stand up and give the speaker my attention. Besides, I am perfectly comfortable lying down and resting my eyes, and there is absolutely no reason for me to move from this position. Right now, I doubt that even food can tempt me to fully awaken. Mmm... food. Thoughts of pepperoni pizza float through my foggy mind. Maybe, just maybe, someone could convince me to move if they gave me some pizza. But only if it had pepperoni on top. And bacon. And sausage. But unless someone gives me that pizza, I am staying right here.

"Is she dead?" An annoying, loud, high-pitched voice rudely interrupts my peaceful daydreaming, followed by a series of... footsteps? The sound is sort of similar to footsteps, but footsteps aren't quite as... sharp. It sounds as if a lady in high heels is stomping across a hard tile floor.

"I don't know, Star. I can try asking, I guess." The footstep-y sounds come closer. "Um, excuse me, but are you, like, dead?" Vaguely, I realize that the voice is talking to me. Am I dead? I don't think so, but what if I am? Am I some sort of awesome ghost? No, I think I'm alive. I should probably signal to them that I'm alive, but that would require me to actually DO something.

Ugh, this is not fun. I have always been rather lazy, and right now was no exception. But if I don't let them know that I am alive, they might bury me alive in the middle of nowhere, so I guess I'll just have to communicate to them that I am still living. With great difficulty, I pry one of my caked-shut eyelids open. At first the bright light blinds me, but as my eyes adjust, I begin to make out my surroundings. Bright colors, trees, and... WHAT?! Ponies. Three bright, colorful horse-thingies with freakishly huge eyes and tattooed butts. There's a white one, a green one, and a tan one. By the looks of it, all of them are girls. One of them has her head tilted to the side, as if carefully examining me. They all have crazy hair, large ears, and did I mention that they have huge eyes? Even crazier, one of the three ponies staring down at me, the white one, has wings.  Yep, I know what I am dealing with. These ponies are from one of my all-time favorite cartoons. My Little Pony: Friendship is magic.

Confused, I jump to my feet, almost fully awake now. Well, try to, anyway. Suddenly clumsy , I trip over my hooves and fall flat on my face. Wait a second... I have HOOVES?! I lift my face off of the ground, twist my neck around and stare at them in disbelief. How do ponies even use these things? They're nothing more than stumps! In the show, ponies are always picking things up and holding things with their hooves, but seeing them in... real life (what can I even call this? It's a cartoon!) had me all confused as to how these things could possibly work. As the last bit of drowsiness clears away, reality hits me. I have hooves, which means that I must be...

I open my mouth and scream.

...a pony.

*****

The three fillies stare at me and blink a lot before turning to each other and having a whispered conversation. I can only catch little snippets of it, but its enough to know that they are talking about me.

"What is wrong with that pony?"

"I don't know, Star Shine."

"Why did she scream like that?"

The white pony glances at me before answering. "Shh, she can probably hear us."

Wait, she? I am clearly a guy! I am insulted. I am the most manly guy, or so I like to think, in the entire 9th grade at my school. But what if... no. I will not think about it. If I was a guy a as a human, than I must be a guy as a pony, too. There is absolutely no way I could be a filly. Those fillies probably have bad eyesight or something. I need to set things straight.

I carefully position my forehooves underneath my furry blue-green body and attempt to push myself up to what counts as a standing position for ponies. I fall flat on my face again.

"Um, guys?" I ask in my quiet, high pitched voice. A girl's voice. No no, just a sore throat or something. I am NOT a filly! "Can someone lend me a hand here?"

The three fillies abruptly stop their whispered conversation and three pairs of unnaturally large eyes focus on me. One of them whispers, "She talks!"

"What's a ha-end?" Star Shine asks. "Whatever it is, I've never heard of it. I don't think I have any of those, sorry."

"Um, I mean, a hoof. Can somebo- I mean, somepony, lend me a hoof? I can't get up."

The white pegasus trots over to me and holds out her hoof.

"It's not that hard to get up. Are you hurt or something?" I just roll my eyes and attempt to grasp her hoof with mine. How is it even possible? I really wish I had fingers.

"By the way, my name is Snow Crystal. What's yours?"

The three ponies stare expectantly at me as I somehow succeed in my endeavors to use Snow's hoof to pull myself off of the ground. Wow, ponies blink a lot.

"Um..." I don't know how to respond. I could tell them my real name, Nick, but that doesn't sound very ponylike. I need a new name, a pony name. I'm slightly panicking now and glancing around frantically, hoping that my surroundings will give me an idea. I'm clearly outdoors, and right next to the Everfree Forest. I see a berry bush off to my right and flowers to my left.

"My name is...Berry Blossom. I'm... not from around here."

"Well, Berry Blossom... Welcome to Ponyville! Well, the very edge of Ponyville, but still!"

School

After a good fifteen minutes of walking, I think that I am finally getting used to having four legs. I can kind of shuffle forward a bit, and I don't trip over my feet as much as I did before. When we first started walking into Ponyville, I was toppling over and crashing into anything within a five-foot radius of me, earning me some very peculiar looks thrown at me by my filly companions. However, I'm slowly improving. Maybe if I can get the hang of this, I might actually be able to trot over to Twilight's library and find out why I'm a filly so that I can go home. Why is it so quiet? Nobody is saying anything. Seriously, the silence is getting really uncomfortable.

"So, um, where exactly are we going?" Not surprisingly, the tan filly is the first to answer.

"We're going to Earth's house! It's super-duper fun over there! Right, Earth Pony?" Star Shine asks. The green pony speaks for the first time.

"Um, I guess so. I think it's boring inside, but whatever. Personally, I like the outdoors because you can gar-"

"Wait, is Earth Pony your name?" I interrupt.

"Yeah, it is. My parents weren't feeling very creative the day I was born." I look down at the dirt path. I kind of feel bad for her. Her parents naming her Earth Pony is like if my parents named me Human.

"Hey Berry Blossom, are you going to be staying in ponyville for a while?" Snow Crystal asked.

"Yeah I guess so, I mean, I don't really know how to go home."

"Then I guess you'll have to go to school with us. It starts in an hour."

"...School?" I stop in my tracks and the three ponies turn around to face me. I forgot that foals have to go to school just like humans, and since this is Ponyville, the school is just a one room schoolhouse.

"Yeah, school!" Star Shine chimes in. "You know, that place where foals have to go to learn stuff! "Haven't you ever been to school before?"

"I have, it's just-"

"Don't worry, Miss Cheerilee is really nice and super awesome and cool and amazing! Besides, you're about the same age as me, so you'll be learning on the same third grade level as me and we can do all of our work together!" All three fillies, even Earth Pony, nod energetically, and before I have a chance to protest, Snow Crystal throws me on her back and carries me with her as she flies towards the center of Ponyville and presumably towards the schoolhouse. This is not going to end well.

*********

"So, class, today we have a new student! Why don't you come up to the board and introduce yourself to the class?" Silence. "Come on now, don't be shy."

Reluctantly, I scoot off of my chair in the back of the classroom, landing hard on my side. Wincing, I stand up and slowly make my way to the front of the room. I can feel everypony's eyes following me. I wish that I was allowed to just stay in my seat and go unnoticed. Besides, it had taken me a lot of effort to find some way to sit in a chair. After much falling, I had managed it, only to be called up to the front of the classroom by Miss Cheerilee.

"My name is Ni- I mean, Berry Blossom."

"Say that again, please, but this time face the class and not the chalkboard." I rotate myself.

"My name is Berry Blossom." As if rehearsed, the class responded unanimously.

"Nice to meet you, Berry Blossom."

In the hours that follow, I quickly discover that school in Ponyville is just as boring as regular school, maybe even more so. The schoolwork is easy, because apparently not only am I a filly, I am a nine-year-old. As expected, my classmates are talkative and nosy. At one point, Cheerilee steps out to talk to a troublesome student and I find myself surrounded by ponies.

"Where do you live?"

"None of your-"

"When's your birthday?"

"Why should I- "

"Do you like my tie?"

"No."

"What's your cutie mark?"

"How would I kn- "

"Do all of my homework or I'll beat you up!"

"..."

"Can I borrow some money?"

"..."

Cheerilee trots back into the classroom, saving me from drowning in the questions. Thank you, Cheerilee. If you weren't a teacher, you would be my new favorite pony. Not that there's anything wrong with teachers, it's just that they give us homework and drain away our gaming time. I love video games, and I hate it when I don't have enough time to play. Wait a second... if Ponies barely use electricity... Do they have video games? They better have them, or else I might just die from being deprived of them.

"Okay class, back to your seats. Give the poor foal some room to breathe." The crowd slowly dissipates and I am finally left alone and in peace. Well, almost. One very familiar looking pony remains, and she is staring at my flank.

"Ya don't have yer cutie mark?" Cheerilee gently nudges her away from me.

"Apple Bloom, go back to your seat so that we may begin our math lesson." Cheerilee waits until Apple Bloom is seated before beginning her lesson. "It's time for math!"

The class groaned. "Don't have that attitude, math is actually very interesting. It allows us to- Diamond Tiara, reassemble Scootaloo's calculator. You can't take apart your classmate's possessions. Scootaloo, Give Diamond Tiara her tiara back. I want to see both of you after school. Now, where was I? Oh yes, math. Everypony take out a sheet of paper." What paper? I don't have any paper. Everypony else bends down to retrieve a sheet from their backpack, but I don't have one. I guess I'll just sit here and do nothing. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Scootaloo doing... something. It looks as if she's trying to wrestle Diamond Tiara, but then why is Scootaloo's face in Diamond Tiara's butt? Scootaloo pulls away and sits with her head held high in satisfaction, leaving me a clear view of a horrified looking Diamond Tiara. Her cutie mark is covered in black scribbles. Scootaloo must've used a marker to mess up her enemy's cutie mark.

"First question: What is four times twelve?"

Diamond Tiara's hoof shot up into the air. Without waiting to be called on, she declared "Four hundred twelve."

"That is incorrect. And please wait to be called on next time."

"WHAT? It is most definitely correct."

"Sorry, but it's not. Here, I'll explain why on the board."

And so begins an hour of wasted time. I think I may have fallen asleep at some point, but I do know what basically happened. After an hour of Diamond Tiara stubbornly insisting that four times twelve is four hundred twelve and Cheerilee repeatedly explaining why it was wrong, Diamond Tiara put an end to it. "It is right because I SAY SO and if you disagree, I can get my daddy to sue you!" And with that, we were all dismissed for recess.

I had been planning to spend my recess by myself, but apparently, Apple Bloom has other ideas.

"So how are ya likin' school so far?"

"Never liked school and now isn't any different."

"It's really not that bad. Ya just have ta get used ta Diamond Tiara. HEY SWEETIE BELLE! SCOOTALOO!" Ow. That girl has volume. My ears flatten themselves against my head as the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders trot towards us. "Guess what? The new student doesn't have their cutie mark!" The other two fillies gape at me after Apple Bloom's announcement.

Scootaloo steps forward. "Wanna join our club? We're the-"

"I know, you're the Cutie Mark Crusaders and your mission is to find your special talent and earn your cutie marks." I don't think that they ever understood the fact that cutie marks aren't just random things, they're talents that the pony is good at and enjoys.

"Hey look, someone knows who we are!" Sweetie Belle exclaims. "So do you want to join?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"Oh look, its time to go inside." I clumsily make my way back to the schoolhouse. I don't want to join a silly club that focuses on something that I don't care about. I'll admit, I'm curious about what my cutie mark would be if I got one, but it doesn't matter. Besides, I can't take Scootaloo seriously with her wings. She really looks like a chicken!

For the rest of the school day, we work on our writing. That is, everypony but me works on their writing. I, on the other hand, spend the entire time trying to figure out how to pick up a pencil with my mouth. Seriously, why can't I just be a unicorn? If I were a unicorn, I could just use my magic to write. But as luck would have it, I am just an earth pony. I am definitely not going to school tomorrow.

I am still slobbering all over my pencil when the bell rings. Not wanting to touch it, I leave my pencil on the desk as I heave myself out of the chair and crash onto the floor.

"Are you alright?" I look up to find a worried looking Earth Pony holding out her green hoof.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I don't know how else to get off of these things." I accept her hoof and pull myself off of the floor. "Thanks, Earth."

"No problem. Want me to walk you home?" Home. Where would that be? Not here, but if I'm stuck in Equestria, I'm going to need a place to sleep.

"Actually, this is a bit embarrassing, but can I sleep over at your house?"

"Of course you can! But why is it embarrassing?"

"It's just... never mind."

"Okay then. Come on, let's walk home. I can introduce you to my parents and everything." I follow her out of the building and into the narrow unpaved streets of Ponyville. The reason why I'm hesitant to sleep over at Earth Pony's house is because, well, I'm a fifteen-year-old guy, and she's a... 9 year old girl I think. It's just... weird. What do girls do at sleepovers, anyway? Tea parties? Pillow Fights? Makeovers? I'm not to keen on getting my, er, hooves painted.

As we walk to her house, I try to start a conversation with Earth Pony.

"So what do you think of the Cutie Mark Crusaders?" Earth Pony looks over at me.

"You mean Scootaloo and her friends?" I nod. "Well, they seem nice and all, but they're a bit too obsessed with their cutie marks, and their 'crusading' gets out of hand sometimes. They've been known to completely destroy buildings. Besides, Scootaloo can be a bit too... violent for my taste."

"What do you mean?"

"Did you see her and Diamond in math class?"

"...Point taken." We walk in silence for the rest of the way to her house.

"Well, here we are," Earth Pony announces, "this is my house." It's a medium-sized bright pink house constructed from a material unbeknown to me.

"Are you sure that your parents are okay with this?"

"Of course they are, they love guests." And with that, we enter the house. I just hope we're not doing makeovers.

Pink Pony Pajamas

To my surprise, Earth Pony's parents are totally cool with me sleeping over on such a short notice. I stop being nervous because if it's cool with them, it's cool with me. Now, Earth Pony's mom and I are seated at the dining room table waiting for dinner to be served. The dining room in Earth Pony's house is very boring. White walls, no pictures, no personalized items. Earth Pony was right; her parents weren't very creative at all.

"So Berry Blossom, Earth Pony tells me that you aren't from around here."

"I'm definitely not from around here, Mrs...."

"Please, call me Sundrop."

"Okay, Sundrop. And yeah, I'm from..." Should I make something up? I probably should. I knew better not to let ponies know that I'm human. I could be put in a mental hospital for that. "I'm from a town in the outskirts of Fillydelphia. It's very different from Ponyville."

"I can imagine." At that moment, Earth Pony and her father carry the food in from the kitchen. I crane my neck to get a good look at the plates. Sandwiches? I've always thought of sandwiches as more of a lunch food, but it's food and any food is good because I am starving. Apparently, you have to pack lunch for school because there's no cafeteria to buy food. Because of this, I haven't eaten anything all day.

"What type of sandwiches are these?" I ask as my plate is set down in front of me. I want to know what I'm eating before I shove it into my mouth.

"It's my favorite type of sandwich," Earth Pony replies excitedly, "cucumbers, daisies, and dandelion leaves between two slices of haybread. We even grow everything ourselves in our garden. It's really good!" As if to prove her point, she takes an enormous bite of her sandwich and grins. A dandelion leaf hangs out of her mouth as she chews, and a cucumber falls out of the uneaten part of her sandwich and lands with a soft thud on the grey carpeted floor. I had almost forgotten that ponies ate, well, pony food. I guess since I'm a pony now, I can eat this sandwich, right? Deciding to chance it, I jam the sandwich between my hooves, bring the sandwich up to my mouth, and bite into it. The haybread tastes like regular bread, but the texture is tougher and it's harder to chew. The sandwich itself is a mixture of bitter and sweet, the bitterness most likely from the flowers and the leaves. It tastes weird at first, but by the time I finish the sandwich, the taste has grown on me and I find myself actually wanting more.

When we finish dinner, Earth Pony and I go into her bedroom to get ready for bed. Thankfully, her bedroom is on the first floor, so I don't have to worry about having to climb stairs. Apparently, ponies don't have to brush their teeth because they have some magic that keeps them clean. I ask about dessert, but unfortunately for me, they don't have any sweets in their house at all. It's kind of disappointing, but I shrug it off. Although it kind of sucks missing out on part of my normal daily routine, it doesn't really matter because nothing is normal here anyway.

"So, what exactly do we do to get ready for bed?" I ask. "Um, we have weird customs where I live..." I hastily add as I receive a strange look from Earth Pony.  Besides brushing teeth, which isn't necessary here, I don't usually do anything before going to sleep aside from filling myself up with sugary snacks.

"Well, we have to change into pajamas, brush our fur, mane, and tail, and then we can do the fun stuff."

"Fun stuff?" That can't be good.

"I have stuff planned. Just wait and you'll find out."

Twenty minutes later, my mane is brushed and I am outfitted in a borrowed pair of pink pajamas. Yes, ponies wear pajamas, which is ironic considering that they walk around naked all day. Earth Pony is outfitted in the same exact pink pajamas as me. The only difference is that her set has a little ribbon bow on each sleeve.

"Time for the fun stuff!" Earth Pony produces list from somewhere and reads it to herself. I really, really hope that makeovers is not on that list. "Okay, item one: play Obey the Cards. Have you ever played before?" I shake my head. "It's really simple. Basically, you have to do what the cards tell you to do. You play with a magical deck of cards. Each card is enchanted so that it will generate something random each time you pick it up. You will never get the same card twice. The rules of the game are simple: each player takes turns drawing a card. You must do what the card tells you to. The first person to refuse doing what the card says loses. Here, I'll go first." Earth Pony stands up and retrieves the deck of cards from a drawer. When she sits back down, she places the cards between us and selects the card on the top.

"Draw a face on each of your hooves." She reads aloud.

The game finally ends when I get the card "Dye your mane, tail, and coat black and run outside while screaming at the top of your lungs." By the time I lose, I am covered in confetti, I have marshmallows taped to my flank, my hooves are painted yellow, and I am wearing pants on my head. Earth Pony, among other things, has a lampshade on her head and another one on her butt. After cleaning up, we decide that it's time to move on to the next activity.

"What's next on the list?" I ask.

"Spying on neighbors."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Awesome!"

Earth Pony places a pair of binoculars in my mouth and I trot over to the window. I'm getting much better and trotting, I can move less awkwardly and more quickly now. I set the binoculars on the windowsill and peer through them. From here, I can get an excellent view of Rarity's house. Hmm, what does that mare do at night? I peer through the windows, but I don't see Rarity. What I do see, however, is the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Staring right at me. With binoculars. Wow, those guys are stalkers. Spying on people is just weird.

I can be a hypocrite sometimes.

"Woah, Berry Blossom, look at Sweetie Belle's house."

"I know, they're spying on us."

"They're so weird!"

Earth Pony can be a hypocrite sometimes.

Scootaloo is waving her arms around. What is she doing? Is she-

My binoculars suddenly disappear. I swing my head around to find Earth Pony holding them.

"Give those back!"

"Come and get them!" I chase her around the room, but she is faster that me. I grab the nearest object, a pillow, with my teeth and swing it at her. And so begins the pillow fight. I was wrong about pillow fights before. Pillow fights are totally awesome! Earth Pony and I are flinging pillows at each other in an explosion of feathers and laughter. This sleepover was turning out to be the best sleepover ever. I wonder if my body was affecting my brain. Would I still be enjoying myself if I was in the body of a colt? Either way, I'm having tons of fun. As the time nears one in the morning, Earth Pony and I sleepily retreat to our beds to sleep.

The Princess of the Night

So you know how ponies in the how are always having strange dreams with Princess Luna in them? I experience one of those dreams tonight.

I know that I am dreaming before I even open my eyes. I'm not exactly sure how I know, but I do. I think that this is what people call a lucid dream. Nothing in my surroundings indicates that this is a dream, but as I said before, I just know that it is. I'm standing in a grass field, all four of my hooves firmly planted on the ground. Unfortunately, even though this is just a dream, I'm still a pony. I try to walk forward, but I can't walk. I can't lift a single hoof. It's as if my hooves are glued to the ground, so I just stand there and do nothing. I don't bother trying to it down because even if I was somehow flexible enough to find some way to lower my bottom to the ground, I don't think I would be able to stand up being that my hooves are stuck firmly in place. Why, I have a hard time standing up when I have full mobility of my body and there's somepony else helping me up. What type of a dream is this, anyway? It has to be the most boring dream in the history of Equestria. No, in the history of the universe. Just as my legs are falling asleep,the fur on my coat prickles and an almost familiar sensation washes over me. It's almost like that type of feeling you get when you're being watched, but different. It feels like... powerful magic. Hmm, let me think. What could possibly have powerful magic in a pony's dream? Yep, I know who. My answer is confirmed as she materializes in front of me.

"Hello, Nick. I've been awaiting your arrival for quite a while." Wait a second, how does Princess Luna know my name? Maybe being one of the rulers of Equestria gave her special know-everything-about-everypony-and-everything powers.

"You've been waiting for me? And since you know my name, I'm just going to jump ahead and assume that you must know why I'm a human. Do you?"

"Indeed I do. In fact, it was I who sent you here. I-"

"Wait a second," I interrupted. "You mean to tell me that you sent me here and turned me into a little filly?"

"Yes, I did, but-"

"No. This is not okay. Send me back RIGHT NOW!" I shouted.

"No." Really, Luna? Stop being so stubborn.

"Why not?" Luna starts pacing back and forth, most likely trying to come up with some stupid excuse. I follow her with my narrowed eyes, slightly jealous. I wish that she wouldn't pace like that, because each step was taunting me, reminding me that she can move and I can't. I notice a dull pain in my jaw and unclench my teeth. Frustration is hard on a pony.

"I brought you here for a very specific reason that I can't divulge. Not yet, anyway. I will send you home eventually, but only if you follow my instructions." She pauses her pacing and looks towards me, obviously waiting for me to give her a reply. I don't give her one. Instead, I look deep into her eyes and keep my mouth shut. I'm afraid that something vulgar or offensive could slip out of my mouth and jeopardize any chances I have of getting home. I've never really noticed how pretty Luna's eyes are. They're all sparkly and deep and- Luna blinks and turns around to resume her irritating pacing.

"So first of all, you cannot tell anyone about your human nature." I hadn't been planning to, so this shouldn't be too much of a problem. "Secondly, you are to attend school every day, excluding weekends." My jaw drops. No. I already did school, and back on Earth, I'm old enough to drop out of school. There is no way I am doing it again.

"But-!" I protest.

"No buts. Also, you'll have to take up residence with a pegasus named Ditzy Doo." I don't know how I feel about that. Don't get me wrong, I love that pony, but I am not so sure how I feel about actually living with her. She can be a bit... destructive. "And finally, you must do something very important for me, but I'm not telling you what. Fail to complete any of these tasks and I will take it upon myself to personally ensure you never leave Equestria. If you have any questions, now would be the time to ask them, excluding any questions you may have about your unknown task."

"Really? THAT'S why you brought me here, to make me do some stupid task? If I don't know what the task is, so how am I supposed to do it? I don't want to be a pony, and you have no right to keep me here! You are such a- I mean, I'll do my best, your majesty." Defeated, I lower my head, avoiding eye contact. I don't know much about pony customs, but I do know a little about dogs seeing as I own four of them. From what I've observed about my dogs, they usually see eye contact as a sign of aggression and bowing down as a sign of submission. At least, three of my four dogs do. Peppermint, my German Shepard, sees everything as a sign of aggression. Why isn't Luna responding? She's not saying anything. Say something, Luna, don't keep me nervously waiting as the silence grows more awkward. Am I sweating? Maybe I should look up and investigate the reason behind Luna's unresponsiveness, but what if that offends her? I can never be too careful with the princess of the night. On the other hand, or hoof as it may be, if I never look up, she might see that as rudeness and she might- you know what? Forget it.

I risk a glance upward at where Luna had been previously standing. I guess that's why she never responded; Luna is gone. The once colorful grass beneath my hooves has darkened in color and is now slowly melting away, leaving me in the center of a shrinking circular patch of dying grass, growing smaller with every passing moment. Having nothing to stand on when it completely disappears under my hooves, I start to fall through space, complete darkness. As I fall, I don't seem to be spinning, but falling straight down with my hooves pointed upwards. I feel like I am falling forever, but I know that it can't be longer than a couple minutes when my head hits the pillow and my eyes fly open.

Instinctively, I squint my abnormally large eyes against the blinding morning sunlight. My bed is unfortunately positioned directly underneath a bedroom window, so I get the full blast of light in my face. Ugh, sun. I don't usually mind sun, but in the morning it's nothing but a downright nuisance.

"Did you sleep good last night?" Not wanting to go into a lengthy description of my conversation with Princess Luna, I start to give her a thumbs up, but that is a rather difficult task to accomplish when you don't have any thumbs, so I just nod and yawn sleepily as I stretch. How early was it? "Great, because we have to go to school soon, and you need your energy today. Last Friday, Miss Cheerilee announced that she had something special planned for today. Oh, and we also need time to eat breakfast, so you might want to kinda hurry and meet me in the kitchen in a couple minutes." Inwardly, I groan. School? Again? I just hope that the "something special planned" doesn't involve sing-along songs or crafts or dancing or pretty much anything else that I had to endure throughout my elementary school years.

As I trot into the kitchen, I silently thank my luck for not having to climb any stairs. I would have to climb stairs eventually, but I am going to avoid that moment for as long as possible. Chairs, however, are something that I cannot escape, and the kitchen table is surrounded by those wretched things. Fun. Earth Pony's Father looks up from his newspaper.

"Good Morning, Berry Blossom. Here come sit down next to Earth Pony." I approach the chair and eye it cautiously, trying to determine whether the evil thing will kill me. The wooden structure was waiting for me, thinking about the best way to injure me and dump me onto the white tile floor. Somehow, with the strength and agility of an Olympic gymnast, I manage to squirm into the seat without inflicting too much damage upon my delicate little pony body. "What would you like for breakfast?"

"Um... I don't know..." I get the feeling that bacon is not part of a normal pony diet. "What do you have?"

"You know, just the usual stuff. Toasted hay, oatmeal, muffins-"

"No we don't, daddy. I'm eating the last one right now."

"Didn't Ditzy Doo deliver some just yesterday?"

"Yeah, but I kinda got really hungry in the middle of the night, so... hehe..."

Her father gives her a stern look as she sheepishly grinned at him. He sighed.

"Okay. So we don't have muffins, then. I think we have a box of WheatyBuncheez," he motions towards the box of cereal sitting on the table, "and I could always whip you up some pancakes."

"I guess I'll just have some oatmeal." As l long as it was somewhat similar to what I was used to, it can't taste too bad. Although oatmeal isn't my favorite breakfast food, I don't have any desire to eat grass, I would have no way of knowing what the pancakes are made of, and I don't feel like trying Wheaty-something-ies. I sit in silence as Earth Pony's dad leaves the table to prepare my meal. After all, it is pretty arduous to have a conversation with a filly when she's stuffing her mouth with a gigantic muffin. That, and the fact that I have absolutely no idea what girls talk about, especially not third grade girls, except that they probably don't enjoy talking about the same things my friends and I like to talk about. Sports, video games, mean teachers, that sort of stuff.

When the bowl of oatmeal is set in front of me, I gather my courage, scoop up a large mouthful of the stuff, and lift it up to my open mouth, only to be interrupted by an earsplitting noise.

"OH MY ALICORN, WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!" Earth Pony shrieked, dragging me out of the chair and out the front door with my tail clamped firmly between her teeth. My spoon clattered to the floor and my uneaten oatmeal teetered on the very edge of the table for just a moment then fell, and with a crash, flipped over and landed on the hard kitchen floor. As I am whisked out the door, I catch a glimpse of the shattered ceramic bowl that once held my breakfast. Earth Pony's dad is still deeply engaged in his newspaper.

Fluttershy's Furry Friends

After forcefully dragging me through the streets of Ponyville, Earth Pony deposits me inside the schoolhouse, and I scoot my sore body over to my desk in the back corner of the room as I massage the areas of my back where they had been roughly pulled over the threshold. Earth Pony zooms to a desk in the front row, and to my horror, the Cutie Mark Crusaders take their seats in the chairs closest to mine. Apple Bloom keeps trying to catch my eye, so I quickly busy myself with squeezing into my chair. All chatter ceases abruptly as Cheerilee enters the room with a yellow mare, who looks positively terrified as she slowly walks to the front of the room, trembling so violently that the contents of her saddlebags rattle around and emit some peculiar squeaking noises.

"This is Ms. Fluttershy. She's going to talk about caring for small creatures. When she is talking, I want you all to remember to give her your full attention and be respectful." With a meaningful glare in the direction of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Cheerilee adds, "If I hear anypony talking out of turn, I will take away their recess privileges for the remainder of the week." Cheerilee retreats to her desk, which has been pushed to the side of the room to allow Fluttershy more room at the front of the classroom.

"Hi everypony. I'm, um, going to show you some of my animals," Fluttershy squeaks,"and show you how to care for them." She sets her abnormally large saddlebags on the floor, allowing an assortment of animals to slip out and regard the foals with wide eyes. Picking up a bunny, she says, "This is my pet bunny. Like all bunnies, he eats vegetables such as lettuce and carrots, but this particular bunny is a rather picky eater and prefers elaborately made meals. He is-"

"Totally lame," mutters Diamond Tiara. Silver Spoon snickers.

"A highly interesting creature, not to mention kind and loving." Fluttershy leans down and gently sets the bunny on the floor and picks up a turtle with a strange contraption attached to it's shell. Scootaloo's eyes widen in recognition and she leans forward with suddenly renewed interest. "This is Tank. Most ponies would probably guess that he's a turtle, but he's not. Tank is actually a tortoise. He is my friend's pet, but Rainbow Dash was kind enough to allow me to borrow him for this presentation."

Upon hearing her idol's name, Scootaloo bursts with happiness and voices her admiration to the ponies closest to her. Unfortunately, I am one of those ponies.

"OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH! I LOVE RAINBOW DASH!" Scootaloo whispers loudly.

For the next two hours I fidget in my chair, unable to hear a single word Fluttershy was saying over Scootaloo gushing on and on about how awesome Rainbow Dash is. When the bell rings, cutting off Scootaloo's long, profound explanation on how weak and pathetic I am in comparison to the rainbow-maned pegasus, I unclench my teeth and slump down in my chair. Finally, the orange chicken has shut up.

I slide out of my chair and start to follow Cheerilee and my classmates out to the schoolyard for recess when I hear a very small noise from behind me. I turn around to see Fluttershy standing there with one hoof stretching towards the other end of the classroom, as if she is indecisive about whether she should approach me or not. She decides on the former and slowly walks towards me.

"Um, hello. I heard that you are new  to Ponyville and I'm trying to meet new ponies. My friends say that if I meet more people, I won't be as nervous about talking to ponies I don't know very well. I was wondering if maybe you want to stay inside and help me with the animals? Um, If that's okay with you."

Recess is my only opportunity during the school day to go outside, and it's hard to just pass that up. On the other ha- I mean hoof, this is a great opportunity to escape from my classmates, right? A chance to be away from Scootaloo? Awesome, I'll take it! I smile up at the cowering pegasus.

"Of course I will. I love animals," I pause and glance down at a furry creature gnawing on my leg like a dog would chew on a bone."Yeah, totally adorable." Pony skin, or whatever the stuff is, is apparently much tougher than human skin because the teeth aren't really hurting me. It's still annoying though.

"I need to round up all the animals so that I can take them home. Most of them are hiding somewhere in the classroom and you'll need to search for them, but you have to be quiet. Noise tends to scare them away." Fluttershy begins to coax a mouse out of a potted plant, and I take that as my cue to start looking. Preferably with more mobility of my back left leg. I try tugging the bunny off of my leg, but it just digs it's teeth in and stays firmly attached to me.

"Little demon," I growl under my breath, using all of my strength to rip the vicious creature from me. With each tug the teeth clamp harder onto me until I can feel pain shooting up my leg. "Get." I grind my teeth and grab the bunny by the middle. "Off." I pull as hard as I can, using a desk to anchor myself in place. "Me!" With a final yank, the bunny goes flying across the room, landing hard on the floor and going still. Fluttershy thanks me for ridding her of this vile creature, and Luna is so pleased with me that she sends me back to Earth. I get a girlfriend and live happily ever after in my enormous mansion. The end.

Fine, that's not what happens. I wish it does though.

The bunny flies a couple feet and lands softly on a plush carpet. He's clearly unharmed, but he's evil and he fakes a look of very exaggerated intense agony as he walks with an exaggerated limp over to Fluttershy.

"Oh no, are you hurt?" The bunny nods and I roll my eyes. "What happened? Fluttershy asks. The evil thing points at me and Fluttershy narrows her eyes. Her voice drops dangerously low. "You hurt Angel Bunny? How could you! Why would you hurt such an innocent creature? I can't believe you. You should be ashamed of yourself. Animals have feelings too, just like other ponies." Fluttershy glares at me, causing me to cringe. "That was a very cruel thing you just did. I hope you regret your actions." I'm too shocked to say anything in my defense as Flutttershy whips around and strides out the door. "C'mon angel Bunny, we're going home so I can take care of you. I gathered all of the animals while the mean pony was abusing you." Angel Bunny, perched on Fluttershy's shoulder, sticks his tongue out at me and blows a raspberry, leaving me alone with that awful hollow feeling inside me. The feeling of guilt. I haven't done anything wrong, it was all the stupid bunny, so why do I feel so guilty?

Muffins

When the other foals come in from recess, they find me sitting on the floor staring blankly into space. I made Fluttershy mad. I made Fluttershy mad. The thought repeats in my head, rendering me unable to do anything but numbly move about. I made Fluttershy mad. Eventually, Cheerilee gives up and contacts my new guardian to pick me up from school early. I can't remember actually going there, but after I get over the initial shock over what happened dissipates, my head clears and I find myself on a couch in someone's living room. There's a mare sitting across from me on a another couch. I recognize her almost immediately.

How could I not? She's the best background pony in the entire show.

"Oh, hi Ms. Doo," I say politely. Ditzy Doo makes a face.

"Ugh, I hate that name. Just call me Derpy, it's a nickname."

"Okay," I reply. It is a bit unnerving how casual she acts around me. She is slouched on the couch with her legs on a glass coffee table. From my experience, adults usually don't talk to younger kids. Rather, they talk at them. Derpy was treating me as if I was an equal. Which I totally am, by the way. "So... I guess your my new... adoptive parent? Guardian? Babysitter?"

"Yep! It was a bit strange having the princess visit me in my dreams though. She probably thinks I'm weird though. I mean, I'm pretty sure she saw the changeling hauling a giant muffin across the swamp. Oh geez, I hope she doesn't ban me from eating muffins. That would be a nightmare. Speaking of muffins, do you want to have one? I just made a batch of them with daisy petals baked into them. It's a new recipe I found."

Daisy petals? I'm not so sure I want to eat those. I ate a flower once on a dare, and it didn't taste too good. On the other hand, I haven't eaten anything all day and I'm a pony so these should be completely edible. I wonder if being a pony means that things taste differently for me.

"No thanks, I'm not hungry," I lie, but my growling stomach betrays me.

Derpy smiles. "Of course you're hungry."

"No, not really. I ate lunch already."

"No you didn't."

"Um yeah, I did."

"They don't serve lunch at the school," Derpy pointed out. I didn't know how to argue against that, so I just sighed in defeat. "C'mon kiddo, let's get you some muffins. I have different types to choose from; you don't have to eat the new experimental ones I made."

Oh, I guess that's okay. As long as her 'other options' aren't grass flavored muffins or other horsey things, I think I can eat some of those.

I get up off of the couch and follow Derpy into the kitchen. It's a small kitchen, but easily one of the larger rooms in the house. I don't think I mentioned this before, but the house isn't exactly a mansion. Still, the oven takes up half of the kitchen. Then again, the oven is really big. You can probably bake five trays of muffins at once in it.

"So, what type of muffins do you have?" I ask. Please don't be grass muffins, or hay muffins, or anything dreadful...

"I have chocolate chip, pumpkin, oatmeal raisin, cinnamon, blueberry, and strawberry. I might have lemon poppy seed, but I'm not sure. They disappear so fast. I also have the daisy ones, but you expressed disinterest in them, so I doubt you'll be eating them."

"I'll just have chocolate chip," I say. I'm pretty sure it's not humanly possible - er, pony-ly possible - to mess up chocolate chip muffins.

Derpy gives me a plate with a muffin on it. Wait no, a whole pile of muffins. That's a bit much for me, but I'm not complaining. I love chocolate.

Derpy excuses herself to do something and leaves me alone in the room with my tower of muffins.

"I'll be gone for while, so just sit tight and try not to blow anything up."

I unsteadily hobble on three legs over to a table, my plate balanced dangerously on one hoof, teetering back and fourth and threatening to fall onto the ground. I wonder how Derpy would react if I shattered her plate and ruined her muffins. Probably not well.

Suddenly, I see a flash of movement out of the corner of my eye and am momentarily distracted.

As I start to turn my head towards the unexpected movement, the plate of muffins starts tilting off to the side. The muffin on the top of the muffin tower rolls off the plate and hits one of my legs, snapping my attention back to my plate. In a desperate attempt to save my muffins, I throw both myself and the plate at the table, hoping that at least the latter will make it there unharmed.

Needless to say, that's probably one of the dumbest ideas I've ever had, and that's really saying something considering how many dumb things I've done in my life.

I crash headfirst into one of the table legs and the muffins fly out of sight. Ow, that did NOT feel good. At all. I really, really hope that Derpy has some ibuprofen, because I am definitely going to need it later. Actually, I could really use some now.

I lie there with my eyes closed for what must've been over an hour (seriously, where did that mare go?!) before deciding to open my eyes and get up. NOPE CLOSING MY EYES OW BRIGHT.

I stand up and immediately fall down again. Ugh, I'm so dizzy. I close my eyes again against the bright light and use the table legs to pull myself up into a chair. I peek open an eye and manage to see that there is a single muffin lying upside-down on the table before the light hurts too much and I have to close my eyes. I start to eat it, but I have to stop when I start throwing up. It's a shame, really; the muffin is delicious.  I should try baking sometime. I wonder if Derpy would give me lessons? Then I could bake things and impress my mom. Then she'd buy me stuff. I like muffins. I'm tired. Sleep sounds like a really good idea right now.

I peek an eye open and see the half eaten muffin lying on the table. "Hey mom, can I eat the rest of this?" I ask. Wait, what am I doing? My mom never bakes. Besides, I'm in Equestria. No, that makes no sense. I'm at home, and I must've been the one who made muffins. I don't feel like making more though, so I'm just going to take a nap.

Well okay then.

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