Chapters Let It Go So sexy, I'm going to faint Absolute Domination Time to leave A personal portal, and hello... Boring train rides, part 1 Boring train rides, part 2 Problems No, don't do that- Exploration When all you've got to keep is strong Move along, move along Oh, glorious day~ New clothes and more fun Silk Road, part 1: the beginning Silk Road, part 2: In desperate need of quenching Silk Road, part 3: A Sticky Situation A sharp reminder Screw being evil Meeting with the Golden Alchemist, Part 1: The Summoning The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
I looked over my army of minions as they started hauling various ice beams into place. A couple of my sorceror minions, unicorns with ice crystals sprouting from their horns, were in the process of repairing my fabulous home. Ah, the pleasures of having a hoard of minions to do menial tasks for you shall never get old. It's one of the few pleasures that an evil lich like myself gets."Come on, come on, get it all into place. Honestly, I'm NOT going through a repeat of how I built my home so very long ago now that I have minions to do it for me." It was the most awesome and FABULOUS moment of my entire life, that single day of building a rainbow ice castle. It was also one of the most embarassing, and had I not been bored out of my undead skull, I would have never sung it at all.
1,099 years ago
The mountain that I'd had to climb after my disastrous ambush had failed was tall, imposing, and reminded me of a certain film. I looked at the frozen expanse of wasteland in front of me. "It would be a real dick move if I was to sing the YOLO song."
The frozen wasteland seemed to agree. I scratched my chin. "REAL dick move. Especially if I was to sing it entirely for no reason at all."
With that out of the way, I cleared my throat, and launched into THE song; the song that everybody's heard, and everybody's almost sick of, simply because it was the only song I could have ever chosen to sing, with slightly modified lyrics of course:
My lack of shame was palpable. Ice and rainbows joined each other in a beautiful dance of FABULOUSNESS. The castle design that I'd had vaguely in mind sprang up, and it was a castle; a huge model of Princess Peach's castle from Super Mario 64, complete with a colourful ice mural of my handsome face. I stared at my huge, rainbow coloured castle, glistening in the bright sunlight. A smattering of snow on some of the shinier rooftops was required as a quite literal icing on the cake."Oh God yes." Only one thing could make it perfect, and I knew precisely what that was. With a flourish of my fancy black ice staff, a snowman popped into existence. More rainbows surrounded him, and now I had a sentient ice servant who looked like Mario."Come, Mario; we stand in the break of day, and the cold never bothered us anyway." With that, we walked into my amazing castle, which I'd built like a total pro. Man, Elsa ain't got shit on me.
Present day.
"Ah, good times." I chuckled, leaning on my swaggering black staff. I heard a familiar scuffling sound, and I turned to my personal assistant. "Mario? What's gotten you into a tizzy?" "Wait, we actually have to give him our tithe TODAY?!" My eyes widened, and I turned to my minions."ATTENTION MINIONS! GET DOWN FROM THERE AND GET OUR TRIBUTE READY! WE SHOULD STILL HAVE SOME JEWELS IN THE VAULT TO GIVE HIM!" That order given, I waved my staff, and my castle started repairing itself. Mario raised a snowy eyebrow."Look, it's called delegation, Mario. Which is why," here I gave him a bit of a vicious grin, "YOU'RE going to be the one to tell him that I'll be along in about a day. Now remember what the 'dealing with Sombra protocol' is: Don't make eyecontact, face contact, body contact, just keep kneeling and look at the ground. Off you go champ."
I waved my staff, and a zombified pegasus flier, my fastest, came staggering over. I pointed to Mario. "Take him to the Crystal Empire to inform Sombra that I'll have his tithe ready by tomorrow. Got that?" My minion nodded, gripping Mario with his hands. With a flap of his mighty wings, he soared off.
Present day, Crystal Empire
Cadence rubbed her eyes in exhaustion. Everything about this situation was a mess. For starters, a thousand year old empire reintegrating into modern day Equestrian society was incredibly difficult, what with having things like plumbing, various fixtures, toilets, up to date library's, all of that. Not to mention the education needed. There were stacks and stacks of requests from various ponies about 'slaying the mysterious metal worm,' more commonly known as the common train. Ruling a nation of time-displaced ponies was incredibly difficult, that was for sure. The only real experience Celestia had herself was with her sister; multiply Luna by about ten thousand and you had the Crystal Empire. Not only that, but there were hints from the populace about a threat in the North, of Sombra's sole Baron. There was nothing concrete, but there were vague memories- of the dead walking, and the very air itself freezing. Of... glowing nipples, for some reason, that was something that she didn't pretend to understand. She doubted that rumour, due to the simple fact that Sombra enjoyed having as much control over other beings as possible, and would have been highly reluctant to even allow a baron to rule. Most likely, it was just another bogeycolt that the Crystal Ponies ascribed to being an ally of Sombra, another night-terror that Sombra turned into a guard against rebellion.
"Um, Princess?" She turned to the guard. Cadence smiled gently. "What is it?"
A few minutes later, and she could easily see why the guard was speechless. Standing in the hallway was a sentient snow... creature, with a long, bulbous protuberance on its face, thick stick arms, and large eyes. It didn't look at her, instead preferring to look anywhere BUT her. Before she could extend words of greeting or anything, it spoke, in a high pitched voice.
THIS caused her jaw to really drop. A zombified pegasus, eyes glowing with green fire, was supporting the little snow creature, With a beat of half-bone wing, it practically flashed away before she could even do anything, back to the North. She stared after it for a while, then turned to the guards. "Get Shining Armour up here now. If this is true, then the Baron really does exist." As the guards hurried off, motivated by the fear of this mysterious Baron, Cadence glanced at the liquor cabinet. One drink of gin would really help her out... no. It wouldn't. Hang on a minute...
Xante's Castle
I was redecorating extensively. For shits and giggles, I put a statue up of Ragyo Kiryuin, and made an ice label stating BEST MOM EVER. Along with that, I put up a statue of Gendo, labelled BEST FATHER EVER. Then, I inscribed NOT after each of them. Apart from that, other redecorations were minimal. My chandeliers were pretty damn icy and stuff. I walked out into the courtyard, seeing all of my zombie minions shambling through my ice and snow gardens, careful not to get on my lawn. It WAS lined with razor sharp icicles, after all. I strolled through, looking up at the clear blue sky. "It looks like today is going to be FABULOUS!" I teleported to my chambers, looking out at my barony- an expanse of mineral rich wasteland, only reachable through a small mountain pass, personally barricaded by a glacier. The only other ways were to fly, teleport, or just climb the mountains like a badass.
My kingdom of the undead mined jewels for Sombra, the crystal obsessed king. I mentally shuddered. King Sombra was the first creature that had ever beaten me...
1,050 years ago...
I got up, brushed some frost off of my robe and walked to my balcony. "Ah, what a marvelous day. Well, time for-hmm?" "Oh, that isn't good." I watched as a wall of black crystals sprouted out of the ground underneath him, pushing him up quickly. Sighing, I summoned an ice meteor and dropped it on him. He retaliated with a blast of shadows that completely obliterated my meteorite. Well, time for Plan B then.
"Creatures of rage and hatred. You who aggravate and feed. I summon thee, WINDIGOS!" "Oh fuck, that's a magic shotgun." It didn't look it, but this mystery unicorn's hands had shot out, and now three Windigos were dead, turned into an icy mist by chunks of fist sized black crystal."OH FUCK, THAT'S A MAGIC SHOTGUN!" This was bad. If there's one thing that zombies fear, it's shotguns. MAGICAL shotguns were a real cut above the rest. Still, as long as my philactery was safe, then I had nothing to fear. With that in mind, I gave my minions a rousing speech."Minions, do not fear! He can only take your unlife!" With that, I sent them a mental command; bum rush this unicorn. They complied, running towards him at amazing speeds. While they were focusing, I was building power up. I was going to wipe this smug unicorn off the face of the planet. He likes his magic shotgun, eh? Well, let's engage in a shotgun duel then.
My own tower of ice erupted underneath me, and I fired off a simple yet effective spell."Prismatic spray!" A beam of rainbow coloured light, narrowly focused to do as much damage as possible, sped towards him. He retaliated with his own spell. Frowning, I repeated the spell without saying what I was casting, then threw a surprise Frostbolt in as a distraction. He narrowly dodged the freezing cold ice projectile and retaliated with his own blob of darkness. But I had prepared myself. I teleported over to his platform and kicked him off. As he fell, I smirked. That smirk soon turned into horror when he reappeared, red velvet cape having turned into shadowy wings. He glared at me. "A most impressive attack, lich. And an interesting arsenal of tricks up your sleeves."
I backed away as he continued. "Yet for all your power, you are still no match for me." With that, his tower exploded. Had he planned for this? Whatever the case, I quickly teleported over to my island. My scowl darkened. I waved my staff, and my Aurora missiles surrounded me. He seemed curious, but cautious. so I decided to aggravate him a bit-"W-when?" I gasped. He smirked."Since before I got here. Now," he withdrew the blade, and I collapsed, gasping, "What is thy name, lich?" I cowered before him. Such power was incredible, and he was showing me mercy? Whatever the case, I didn't say anything at first. Then:"It's Xante, with an X." The unicorn raised an immaculately groomed eyebrow. "Xante, yes?" I nodded, focusing my rainbows on healing this wound. He continued, seemingly oblivious."I am King Sombra, of the Crystal Empire. I know that you have been a thorn in the side of those... Equestrians," he spat off the edge, "and it's fear of you that allowed my ascension to power. Now then, I want to offer you a barony. Kneel," Sombra commanded, and I did so."By right of mine power, I hereby grant you the title of: Baron Xante, of the Frozen Wastelands." I accepted."Rise, Baron." I scrambled up. He looked at me."These frozen wastelands have conditions too harsh for any of my people to work in... at first." He smirked, exposing a pair of wickedly sharp fangs. "But you and your undead are not bothered by this cold, no?" I nodded."We're undead, we don't feel the cold any more." He smirked."Excellent."
Present day
Since then, I'd secretly gotten a lot stronger, to fight and kill the king if I needed to. Still, it would be good to tell him that his legions of terror wouldn't be getting any more support from my undead minions. I heard the beating of mighty wings, and I saw Mario being dropped off. "Report. How did the meeting go?" "God damn it."
Author's Note
For those interested, here are his lyrics:Snow glows white on the mount tonight, not a footprint to be seen, A kingdom of isolation, and it seems I'm the king. The wind is howling, like the FABULOUS that's inside, Couldn't keep my swag in, even though I really tried, Don't explode heads, don't publicly strip, Be the good guy you know you have to be. Get a load of this, don't get a load of that, Don't let them knooooooooow. Well, now they knoooooooooow. Let it go, let it go, can't hold my fab back anymore. Let it go, let it go, turn away and hip slam the door. I don't care what they're going to say, Let the FABULOUS rage on, Earth never bothered me anyway.
It's funny how some distance, can make everything seem so small, and the fears that once controlled can't get me anymore, It's time to see what I can do to test the limits and be through, No right, no wrong, no fools for meeeheeeee. I'm free...
Let it go, let it go, I am one with the FAB and sky, Let it go, let it go, you'll never see my FAB die, Here I stand and here I stay, Let the FABULOUS rage on,
My FABULOUS goes through the air and into the ground, up to the sky and fractals all around. And it crystallises like an icy blast, I don't wanna go back to Earth, the past is in the past, Let it go, let it go, let it rise like the break of dawn, Let it go, let it go, that unfabulous guy is gone,
Here I stand, in the light of day, Let the FABULOUS rage on, The cold never bothered me anyway.
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
So sexy, I'm going to faint
As my day wound past, I found myself feeling a sensation that I loathed; boredom. Now that my castle was repaired, I didn't have anything that I could really do with my time, except make more rainbows and ice sculptures. And one grows tired of rainbows and ice sculptures. So, without anything to do I paid a trip to the mines. I always disliked having the slaves there, so while Sombra wasn't looking, I made sure that the slaves were treated decently. And by 'decently,' I meant, 'actually fucking fed and watered.' Just because I'm technically the second in command of an insane slaver doesn't mean that I'm going to deny them basic rights.
The slaves here were tired and grey, as they always were. A couple of them glanced at me, then turned to the walls. I idly slammed my staff on the floor to get their attention. "Hello, slaves. I'm sorry to tell you this, but today's the day of tribute." A couple of them started getting fearful. I waved a hand. "It's okay; we have an extra day to present tribute. I want each and every one of you guys to put some elbow grease into it, get this job done as quickly as possible. Here, I got some zombies to make it a bit easier to deal with the huge workload." With a wave of my staff, three earth pony zombies shambled in. A couple of crystal ponies seemed about to object, but a glare from my rainbow eyes silenced them. They got to work, pulling precious stones out of the hard rocky ground in order to pay our insane slavemaster's addiction to crystals.
I gripped my staff tighter. My fellow undead should not live in fear of an insane king. Still, I was afraid of him, as was everybody sensible. Nevertheless, I decided that I should no longer be evil. If Sombra objected, well, I was going to throw a Glacier Wave right at his smug face.
Meanwhile, in the Crystal Empire:
Shining Armour looked over at Cadence, his sister and her friends and the two Princesses. Twilight was the first to say something.
Rainbow Dash frowned, arms folded. "Hang on. Rainbows? This guy sounds like a frikken doof! Hell, I bet Spike could take him on!"
Celestia nodded. "He's charismatic, affable, friendly... and he's also an exceedingly powerful and cunning sorcerer who delayed our fight by five hours, just with his castle traps, and repeatedly demonstrated how versatile and dangerous his rainbow magic actually is. Though he may have been inferior to Sombra's own dark magic, he was still capable of fighting us to a standstill, though beating us is still practically impossible."
Rainbow Castle.
I looked over the small foals from the last slave shipment to the mines out here. If I was going to die, then I was going to make them a bit happier. Unknown to Sombra, I refused to put children in the mines. Instead, I just kept them in the castle. Their parents visited in the night, all was good. I'm not a monster, except when I need to be. I looked at their glum faces. If there's one thing I don't like, it's sad children. It seriously gets me in my non-existent heart."Um... hey, who wants a snowball fight?"
"Sir.""Yes Mario?" "I AM BUILDING A SNOW FORT." Just because I'm an ancient undead sorcerer who has lived for several centuries does not mean that I am immune to fun. I looked at my supply of snowballs. "Do you think I have enough?" "I don't care, snow fort." With that, the first snowball arched over my defences. I raised an eyebrow."It's every lich for himself, Mario." After that little tirade, I picked up a snowball and chucked it over."You'll never beat me!" I whooped and laughed at that.
Unfortunately, I lost. It was generally well received, and the kids were a bit sparklier now, so that was a bonus in my book. After that, I retired to my chambers, where I tried to summon the portal yet again; no luck, the fabric of reality wasn't pliant enough. Though the magic of this world was incredibly prolific, there's only so much you can do on your own without the proper regents. And I didn't have the necessary regents, and I didn't know how to adopt the spell for this universe's components. I'd have to find a library or similar if I wanted to get back. I sighed, and made my way to my bed. For one as powerful as I am, to be stuck in this universe is almost... humiliating.
The next day, I woke with the dawn. I looked over my kingdom, listening to the faint clatter of jewels falling into the metallic box that we normally gave tribute in. Today was going to be a difficult day to live through, but I had to firm my resolve and go. I gripped my icy black staff, and pulled on my robes. Right now, today... didn't feel like a good day.
The atmosphere was tense as I gripped the casket. It was barely half the normal quota. I gripped it in my magical aura, carrying it with me. For appearance's sake, I wove a simple music enchantment. There is no such thing as having too much theatricality. Mario hurried after me. "I'm sorry, my Lord, but the amount of gems we can immediately reach in such short notice, even with your help, is simply not enough to fill the quota-""It's fine." I paused for a bit."Mario. If I don't return by this evening, then get every slave out of here and run. Understand?" My faithful assistant nodded, tears forming. I patted him on the head and walked towards the Bifrost.
One of my more inspired inventions, it appealed both to my sense of theatricality and my sense of practicality. A huge ring of rainbow-coloured ice, it helped me focus on long distance teleportation better. I focused, drawing the rainbow coloured energy around myself in preparation for teleportation. I didn't want to be delayed at all. The light surrounded me, swirling and building a bridge of ice towards my destination.
Crystal Empire
The Elements and the Princesses were currently hidden by a spell in the throne room. The plan was for the Elements to jump out when this 'Xante' character appeared, and then hit him with the Elements or the Crystal Heart. Unfortunately, the main flaw with this plan was that the 'Bifrost' that he apparently used to get here was something that even the guards didn't know about. So all Cadence could do was sit with Shining Armour in the throne room, waiting for Xante.
Suddenly, music started playing as a brilliant rainbow light shone in the heavily fortified room. Cadence shielded her eyes as the chanting started. Straining her eyes, she could barely make out the figure of a six feet tall figure, impossibly skinny, clutching a staff. As the light slowly dimmed to more manageable levels, she noticed that this strangers eyes glowed with a rainbow aura. Xante (well, she assumed it was Xante from its appearance) was dressed in a fine black robe, with delicate white sigils in an unfamiliar language. His tall hat seemed to be there for purely stylistic reasons. She noticed again that he didn't even look at her, instead focusing on the ground."Hello, Sombra. Sorry I'm late." Its voice was like an icy knife, devoid of emotion.
Xante flicked his staff, and a huge casket floated through the light. It opened, spilling a veritable fortune in jewels at her feet. She looked at the huge pile of jewels at her feet for a moment, and was about to speak when he started talking again."I apologise for the small size of this recent haul, but this was all we could mine on such short notice." Before she could object, or even question the validity of this huge pile of jewels, the entire plan went to hell in a handbasket, and that was caused by Rarity.
I blinked as a white unicorn mare in an indigo dress practically shot out of the scenery and started handling the gems. I mentally sighed, but I had to impress Sombra somewhat, if only due to the small size of the hoard."Wench." I directed the full force of my ancient experience and power onto her. The entire room got chillier. The breath of the mare started to frost over. She looked at me, standing there while power built up around me. I continued. "Unhand the King's tribute, or I'll be forced, as is royal law, to hang, draw and quarter you if you don't get your grubby mitts off of there."
I blinked as something appeared behind me. With a simple thought, Aurora Missiles flared into being, reacting as any good self-defense mechanism does- targeting what annoyed me and slamming it with the force of seven sledgehammers to the face. Unfortunately, she barely dodged one of them. I looked at the blue pegasus with the rainbow mane, wearing a blue sports jacket and training shorts. "Back off, bozo! Where do you get off, threatening my friend?"
I quirked an eyebrow. Something about this mare was familiar... maybe it was the FABULOUS rainbow mane? I scratched my chin."It wasn't a threat; it was a warning. I'm obliged to give you one before I turn you into an ice sculpture." Rainbow coloured energy started to build around my hands as my magic flared up."Sorry, but as long as Sombra's alive, I have to follow through with the Geas. Do not worry, sir," I turned my head in his general direction, careful not to look at him, "I shall defend you from these would-be assassins."
Before we could really gear up for a fight, I heard Sombra speak. "...what?"
Cadence blinked as Xante turned around, apparently seeing her for the first time. He looked her over, blinked, rubbed his eyes and looked again. For a moment, there was silence. Then, Xante just walked over and hesitantly poked her. When she didn't disappear or something similar, he stopped and decided to ask her politely."Excuse me, Ms, but where's King Sombra? I had an appointment, with the tithe and everything? I definitely had one of those." His eyes suddenly widened. "If he isn't here, then I highly recommend you run. He HATES mares getting into his throneroom, especially when he's in one of his, uh, PERSONAL sessions with a slave. I keep telling him, it's okay in another world to be gay you know. Except in America, for some reason." Cadence raised an eyebrow. This Xante fellow kept getting stranger and stranger.
Suddenly, Twilight broke from cover, eyes wide open. "Wait, Sombra was homosexual?""I don't know why you're referring to him in the past tense, but yes, Sombra is a repressed homosexual. He also enjoys wrestling. Now," here his eyes narrowed, "I must urge you to depart again. When Sombra gets back, there's no telling what he'll do to you all-" Twilight finally decided to cut to the chase of the issue.
"Sombra's dead." I turned to the purple mare in trousers and a white shirt. Did she just say those words?"Say that again."
Twilight blinked as the lich in front of her just stood there, mouth open slightly. Then, he did something that nopony, not even the Princesses, could have predicted. He grinned wildly. "YES! OH MY GOD YES! WHOO!" He did a strange dance, cackling like a madpony. Rainbow Dash looked at him strangely. "Man, what a weirdo."
"At last, I can be free! It's time to test that." With a snap of my fingers, appropriate music started playing. With that, I pulled off my shirt, exposing my bony, pale chest. I watched in excitement as the familiar rainbow magic started to glow around my nipples. This was happening! I was about to pull the lower half of my robe down when I heard a familiar voice.
I watched in mild horror as the white mare- Celestia- stepped out of some spell. "What in Tartarus are you doing?" Making sure that I was safe and fully powered up, I explained. "One of the terms of our Geas was that I couldn't strip in the throne room. I don't know why." If you're not comfortable with your own body, then what are you doing in it? Celestia glared at me."I'm no longer evil." THAT seemed to throw Celestia. I explained. "You see, all heroes have done for me is fight me, get into my castle, kill my minions so I have to resurect them and wreck my stuff. I've been thinking about this for over a thousand years, and I've decided to screw being evil. Now that Sombra's dead, I'm so unbelievably happy!"
Celestia watched the dread lich Xante dance around the Crystal Palace half naked. He suddenly got right up to her and kissed her full on the mouth before she could react. His lips were freezing cold, and the taste of rotting flesh was on her lips now. "Free! FREE!" The other Elements of Harmony came out, and he shook hands with each and every single one."You have no IDEA how good it is to be free from that insane slaver maniac. It's SO GOOD. It's so good, in fact, that I think that I'll have to tell EVERYBODY about how good this is!"
"Princess, what should we do?" Celestia snapped back into focus. "We stay cautious. This might be a trick, or it might be genuine. In any case, treat Xante as harmless for now, but the instant we see a sign, we attack him."
Author's Note
I know that this is kind of harsh, but I think that this needs some more appropriate cover art. I mean, I love that picture, but it needs a goofier picture to suit the tone of this story.
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
I reappeared at my personal fortress of undead FABULOUSNESS. I gripped Mario when he ran up to question me and I hugged him."I have great news for everybody. Get the slaves out of the mines and down to the pass, NOW. Go on." I dropped him and skipped merrily through the hoards of minions, shaking their hands enthusiastically as I continued onwards towards my castle.
I needed to celebrate, so what better way than to get some caffeine into my system. I looked around for my teapot, before remembering. "Oh yes, it was destroyed..." For a few moments, I just stood still for a bit. With a chuckle, I reflected on my final battle, my second total defeat...
1,005 years ago
I watched the other army. It was far larger than my own horde of minions. My undead minions numbered about three hundred, while this force was about a thousand strong. This was going to be slightly annoying, but a challenge was still a challenge. Still, I wanted this fight to be between me and those two alicorns. With that, I waved my staff, and I teleported to the head of my army. I slowly walked up, speeding into a run. With a momentary flare of power, an appropriately terrifying piece started playing. If they wanted to mess with me and my boys, then they were going to learn a lesson- just because you're a magic user doesn't mean you can't kick some serious ass. Thanks to a bit of youthful abandon, I had multiclassed to Monk and spent a long time building up my physical abilities.
The first soldier I encountered had a sword, which he swung at me. While the Aurora Missiles surrounding me impacted with seven other soldiers, tearing through their armour, I clobbered him in the face, zipped past and took it from him, attacking two soldiers while parrying blows with my staff. A couple of soldiers tried to blast me, but I retaliated with several of my own blasts, matching their spells and in some cases overpowering them. More soldiers, disturbed by the music constantly blaring, tried to take me out quickly, but I threw the sword at one of them and planted my staff in the ground firmly. I grappled with one, throwing him onto his friends' sword. Another got his face smashed in, and I gripped his sword. With a moment's focus, Aurora Missiles reformed around me and shot off to hit seven other soldiers.
Celestia and Luna's jaws had dropped when he'd teleported to the head of his army of undead, and had dropped further when he'd started utterly decimating their army. No wonder why the Crystal Empire had regarded him as this big a threat even without his magic! They turned, ready to give chase. Unfortunately, his own army, on some unspoken command, doubled their speed. A zombie, grinning, unsheathed his sword, intent on a killing blow. Celestia retaliated by punching the blade and snapping the ghoul's head clean off within the same motion, hitting the next zombie right behind and repeating the same result. Not to be outdone, Luna appeared to dash through several ghouls, flicking her swords afterwards. The affected ghouls simply burst into a cloud of body parts. Those done, they sped off to attack Xante, fighting off undead the whole way.
Now seeking the challenge of taking on an entire army with only my fists and their own weapons, I utilised a spell called Rainbow Reflexes to augment my abilities temporarily. A beam of rainbow light shot out from my eyes, and time seemed to slow down. Thanks to my multi-class to Monk in my youth, I quickly gripped two arrows shot at me and stabbed two other soldiers in the throat. The alicorns were trying to get to me, but my undead army was delaying them. And while they were trying to get to me, I was mowing soldiers down left and right with unarmed strikes and grapples.
By the time they finally reached me, I'd taken down half the force with minimal use of magic. "Let me give you two pieces of advice: first, never take ants to a battle between lions." It was unfortunate, but for a fighter of my calibre, such feeble troops would only serve as a distraction at best and a non-existant threat at worst. I idly retook my staff. "Second: I am over five hundred years old. Unless you yourselves are of a similar age, my experience will trump yours along with my power." They growled. I flared up another set of Aurora Missiles. "Concern yourselves not with ants."
With that, I took them both on at once. The white one attacked from the front, and I simply dodged the hammer blow, fllipping out of the way to let her attack sail towards the other one, who teleported out of the way. Indigo's attack was a long ranged blast of shadows."Grand Prismatic Spray." The much, MUCH larger variant countered her blast and bored through it like it wasn't there. She countered with a much larger variant, which flowed towards me. I yawned. That yawn stopped when I felt the heat coming from the side. I focused, calling on one of my Epic-Level spells to survive this double-pronged strike.
Celestia summoned her own wave of plasma, equally the size of Luna's own wave of shadows. The blasts collided with the lich, finally beating him. "Sister, we have triumphed!" Luna raised her scimitars in celebration, but lowered them when they heard his voice, now devoid of good humour."Both of you are on the level of gods, I can see that. I'm sorry for taking this fight lightly then." After that simple statement, his aura flared around him. "My kid gloves are off." He took the black gloves on his hands off, and they baulked as his aura tripled in size."Against such powerful opponents, anything less than my full strength is an insult."
I focused. This spell required a LOT of setup and regents, but it was one of my most powerful spells, both in terms of attack and defence. "Epic Level Spell: Bifrost Mirror Clones." While saying that, I crushed the bag of Rainbow-Magic infused ice, sacrificing it to power the spell. They tried to counter my spell, but a simple Glacier Wave delayed that tactic. Several rainbow tinted panes of ice appeared around me. They retreated slightly as copies of myself stepped out, flexing their joints. While only a tenth of my full magical power, they returned magic to me and gave me several other advantages, such as not saying anything at all when casting spells and magically returning experiences to me. I turned to the alicorns. "What are your names? I told you mine, so you should tell me yours."
"I am Celestia, Princess of the Sun," the white alicorn stated, readying her hammer."Let this fight commence." With that statement, they charged me and my five clones. They retaliated with a simple spell:"Glacier Wave!" The combined might of five weaker Glacier Waves was enough to delay them. I leaped up onto the flowing ice, barely redirecting a blow from the warhammer of Celestia. Luna's own attempt to kill me was partially successful- she managed to stab through my bony chest, and I damn near screamed as the pain coursed through me. I managed to throw her away from me, and I staggered away, blackish blood slowly pumping out of the wound. This was going to seriously hinder my magical prowess.
Celestia and Luna retreated as another piece of strange music started blaring. They readied their weapons, and charged up their ultimate spells. This wasn't like Discord, where the Elements had aided them. The Elements didn't work on a mortal being in the same way. This was a battle against a mortal being who was nevertheless damn near godlike."So, we've all taken our limiters off, have we? Then let's really fight. Get your soldiers out of here; I dislike causing collateral damage."
Celestia turned to her commander, who had barely avoided Xante's furious fighting style. "Go." He seemed reluctant to leave."No more distractions." Celestia and Luna charged him.
I flicked my staff at them, and a gigantic meteorite of ice flew at them. While they had to deal with that, I raised my staff higher, summoning both a Glacier Wave and directing my clones to fire Grand Prismatic Sprays at them. Now that I wasn't restrained, I was going all out. Aurora Missiles activated all around me and I readied another spell.
Celestia's mere presence caused the huge meteorite to start melting like crazy, water evaporating and turning into steam. Luna's own shadow magic pulled the Prismatic Sprays into her being, and she glimmered as she absorbed the magic that the blasts contained. She then released a volley of shadowy bolts, destroying all five clones in a single hit each. The Glacier Wave was simply smashed and cut by both of them. But the feeling of an incredibly powerful spell being summoned caused them to turn around."You know, there is no loss of honour in retreating form a superior force." Xante's voice floated down to them. Celestia glared at him, firing up her horn. Luna sank into the shadows of the pit while Celestia flew out to deliver a more direct assault. Xante was only mildly concerned about the incredible heat that exuded from Celestia, content to simply surround himself in rainbow armour to shield himself.
I blocked the shaft of the warhammer swinging at me with my staff and kicked her in the gut, pushing her back. To capitulate, I advanced, firing a Prismatic Spray at her point blank. Her fiery aura bore the brunt of the damage, but she was still sent staggering back. I was about to finish her off when I felt two blades entering me. I looked down on them, then turned around. Luna smirked as she fully emerged from the shadows. So, she could teleport silently through shadows then? "Thou art finished, lich.""Not yet." Though it hurt IMMENSELY, I wasn't out of the game just yet. I smirked as my freezing aura started to affect her. "Feeling cold?" Luna struggled to withdraw her scimitars from my body, but the ice started climbing up the blade's length, enveloping her gloved hands. Suddenly, Celestia was in my face, but I retaliated with another Bifrost Bolt at point blank range.
She was sent hurtling backwards form the sheer force, her shield barely up in time. Luna grinned. "I thank thee." She pulled her swords out and flipped away. I cursed- the heat from Bifrost Bolt had been enough to melt the entrapment spell I'd used to hold her. Still, Celestia was back, Now was the time to skedaddle. I raised my staff to teleport-"An impressive use of shadow magic to nullify my abilities, but I shall triumph over this." "Fascinating. These flames are interesting, and prevent my movement. But I shall teleport out of here right away-" "That was most impressive."
With that, the Immutable Cube solidified. Celestia panted, the strain of using such magic draining her. Beside her, Luna nodded. Though she wasn't as good in direct combat as her sister, she was a more powerful magic specialist. She cast her second Immutable Cube, sealing the other one over as a precaution. She then slumped down with Celestia, looking at the battlefield.
Present Day
I smiled, chuckling. My second defeat had been the closest one. The furthest one had been with Sombra. And there had been one duel where I shouldn't have won, except for my unorthodox tactics. He was probably long dead. With a grim smile, I teleported into my wine cellar. I poured myself a glass and raised it. "Rest in Peace, Starswirl the Bearded. I tipped the glass into my mouth...
And immediately spat it back out. "BLEH!" The wine had been left unattended for a thousand years, there was quite a lot of sediment built up in there. I resolved to find a new bottle of wine to toast a fellow magician.
Author's Note
I get the feeling that if this keeps up, we'll eventually have a tv tropes page dedicated to Xante and his misadventures.
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
After I'd finally cleansed my pallete, I decided that I had to hurry this entire scenario up. Thus, I walked leisurely over to the pass. The huge glacier that blocked the slaves from leaving, which was what I was forced to do by Sombra, glistened in the light of the day. Each and every slave was there, along with the children. Mario scuttled over to me. "Sir, what on Earth and Equestria is the meaning of this? Everypony wants to know." I waved his concerns off and flicked my staff. A pillar of ice slowly rose form beneath me as I rose above, in order to make my message clear.
My aura flared around me and appropriate music started playing. "Friends, Ponies, Countrymen, lend me your ears!" They listened. I continued speaking."I have a very important piece of information for you all: Sombra is dead." At these words, the entire populace of crystal ponies broke into cheering. A couple of them started crying. I raised a hand.
"It was not in battle against me, and to be honest, I don't know how they killed him. I also don't care, as should you." I turned to the gigantic glacier, still blocking this valley off from the outside world. When Sombra had ordered me to block the pass, I had done so, mainly because I feared his proximity. Even if I had been unsealed, he MIGHT have been able to beat me. The fact that he clearly outclassed me in my sealed state was a bit of a giveaway. I could have taken him, but he could have killed me very easily. That was what made him stand out; pure ruthlessness. Starswirl the Bearded was simply so powerful that even a cantrip gave me serious trouble, though I beat him eventually through the simple spell known as Punch the Other Guy in the Face. And the Alicorn sisters were insanely dangerous when working together and there was no possibility of collateral damage.
"For too long has this glacier remained in place. Today... that all changes." Rainbow magic swirled around me, as I concentrated my might on this inconsequential glacier. As the music built up to a crescendo, I yelled, "NOW GO!" and unleashed my might. For a second, there was nothing. Then, the glacier trembled. Rainbow light started to come out of it, lighting up the entirety of the wastelands. A mighty trembling could be felt in our bones, and then the glacier shattered. The crystal ponies gasped, most of them now sparkling like mad. I pointed a finger dramatically through the pass. "Now GO! Enjoy life and all it has to offer! A new destiny awaits!"
Crystal Empire, sometime later
Celestia and Luna looked at the skinny crystal pony that had come from the Frozen Wastelands with several hundred other companions. Luna was the first to speak.
Celestia and Luna managed to extract a bit more information out of the former slave- when one slave had died of malnutrition, he had honoured their wish for him to not become a minion of his. The children he'd kept in the castle, keeping them occupied with games and generally acting like a clown, and had even called a day off every Sunday except for when tribute was on the line. And throughout it all, Celestia and Luna saw a side to the confident, affable lich that they hadn't- an almost fatherly love for each and every slave. Eventually, they let him stop talking. Celestia and Luna looked at each other.
Celestia was the first to speak. "This might be a ploy by him to put us on guard. We're still going to treat him as a threat, as he might well revert to his evil ways." Though he was definitely not forgiven for his complete and utter domination of those guards, he was at least not totally evil, like Discord. Speaking of Discord, maybe that would be a good idea, reforming him... absent-mindedly, she made some plans for that. Maybe give Discord to Fluttershy? Yes, if there was anypony who could reform Discord, it would be Fluttershy.
Meanwhile, I was having a lot of fun with my ice powers again. I looked down from the top of the mountain. In front of me was the long, ice slide that I'd constructed over an hour. This was going to be awesome. I was about to jump onto my icy slide when I heard some familiar footsteps coming up behind me. I turned around, to greet Mario, but before I could say something, he cut right to the chase."Yes, I know. Kill myself, slowly regenerate around the philactery. There were two reasons why I didn't do that. I was surrounded by a very... unique spell, one I didn't know the effects of. My suicide might have made them heal my body, or just destroyed my mind altogether. Plus, there were two Immutable Cubes surrounding me as well, so that might have had an effect."
Mario seemed unsure. I sighed. Here was the big one. "Secondly... changing back to my philactery would have likely killed you." Mario frowned. "I don't understand. Isn't your philactery your amulet, the one you keep in the vault surrounded by deadly traps and pitfalls-""No. That's a fake. My REAL philactery is one of your arms. It's so unassuming, that no hero would ever THINK to look for it. And those who did, well, they'd just assume that you were a golem, so that's why the spell is thrown off." Mario was shocked. I continued, letting it all come out. "That's the thing about heroes, Mario. They're naturally attracted to shiny objects. So give them a fake shiny object, and they're extremely happy. Bit like magpies really, thieving devils."
Mario was shaken, both by the revelation that his creator's life was literally in his hands, but also at the tone of voice that I had just used. "Mario, I don't want to sacrifice another just so that I can live longer. Plus..." I hesitated, then simply said it. "I'm fascinated by death, Mario. I made myself immortal so that I could see the effects that not dying had on me and the world. I'm not afraid to die, it's just... I want to see death without much risk. And my ressurection from your arm could possibly kill you. It's a chance I'm not willing to take."
I watched him take all this information in, then he sighed. "Thank you. I needed to know what you were thinking." I chuckled. "Plus, they might have come back and put me back in." With that, my good humour returned. "In any case, Mario! I am going on this giant ice slide that I have made, and you can't stop me!" Before he could, I jumped on. An appropriate piece of music came to mind. "WHOO!" I laughed as I sped down, the slippery ice causing my skinny body to accelerate enormously. This was AWESOME! As I rounded the first corner, I thanked my stars that I didn't have to eat or fear dying. A normal person MIGHT have been afraid of how high up I was and how fast I was going, but when you're a lich, you're not afraid. Plus, I had several high power shield spells in my arsenal, just WAITING to be cast to save my life.I whooped and hollered as I sped down, quickly stopping avalanches form happening. Wouldn't want to be accused of being evil just when I've cleared my name, right?
When the slide finished, the entire back of my robes were damp, though I didn't care. I was so happy, my grin was on my face for hours, possibly longer. Whatever the case, it felt good to be able to cut back a bit. But this frozen wasteland wasn't interesting anymore. It had been a thousand years since my disastrous first encounter, so it was time to get out of here. I brushed off my clothes and gripped my staff. With a moment's thought, I teleported back up to Mario. "Mario, I want you to manage my castle while I'm gone, okay?" Mario seemed confused. "L-look after your castle?" I nodded, putting a bony hand on his large icy head.
"I'm telling you this because I'm going on holiday for a time. A very long time." An appropriate piece of music started playing as I continued. "You are one of the most trusted and gifted assistants that I've ever had; and believe me, I've had a fair number of assistants in my time." I looked out, over the vastness of the world. Before, due to being evil and the requirements for evil being to live in such places, I'd never really contemplated going to other places of the world, to explore and experience. What good was eternal life if I couldn't just drop everything and go sight-seeing?"Make sure that my legions of minions don't go out of the castle, and maybe write some treaties with the local government. Right now, I'm going to the Crystal Empire, then I'll be gone."
"B-but sir! There's no way of knowing what's out there! You've never been outside of the wastelands and tundra before!" I grinned."That's what makes it so exciting, Mario. I don't know what's out there." With that, I teleported back into my castle, bringing my assistant along with me. "I've been cooped up in here for far too long! I need excitement, danger, thrills! Not to rot in my castle with nothing to do. But you have a real gift for administrative tasks, so you can deal with any legal mumbo-jumbo that crops up. I'm going on tour!" With that final statement, I finally let him go. I noticed that he was close to tears.
"Sir, why are you just... ABANDONING this place?" I tried to explain, but he continued. "I-I was practically born here, and y-you're like a father to me; hell, you ARE my father! You animated me out of snow and some sticks and I'm holding your soul and- it's too much... it's just too much..." He burst into tears, and I hugged him. I'd dropped bombshell after bombshell on the little guy after all, and if I hadn't, I would have felt so bad for the rest of my unlife. "Hey, hey, it's alright. The son always outgrows the father anyway. My giving you this responsibility is because you don't need my help; you even tried to keep this castle in shape after I was gone. I wouldn't give you this job if I didn't think you were capable. Although, sport," I lightly punched him on the shoulder, "You should go to the Crystal Empire and, you know, really see the sights. Come on, let's do it. Sombra's been gone for a while, so we can just go around, and nobody'll care or bow and scrape at us anymore. It'll be awesome!"
Crystal Palace
Celestia and Luna were just enjoying the view from the balcony when they felt Xante reappearing through that unique teleportation spell of his. They noticed the unusual snow creature that was accompanying him. He waved a hand at the strange little being. "This is Mario, my assistant. He'll be running Rainbow Castle while I'm gone on sabbatical. Direct all questions to him. Now, I'm going to have a real look around here, if you don't mind." Before he could leave, Celestia teleported over and gripped his arm. He struggled to break out, but she had much greater strength. "I've talked to some of your former slaves, Xante. And let me make one thing clear- we're a lot stronger now then we were back then. If you ever even think about going back to your dark path- well, me and Luna will personally make sure that your taint is gone from the world." Xante looked at her, mentally calculating, while Mario was having a fit. Eventually, he nodded. "I swear on my honour and my dearly departed mother that I will not become evil. Now can you let me go? My arm's getting numb." He pulled away and stalked off, grin now lost from his face. Celestia watched him go, with less of a spring in his step.
A couple of guards watched incredulously as a lich threw himself along the well-waxed floors of the palace, laughing like some sort of overgrown foal. A couple contemplated stopping him, but the simple fact that this creature could laugh even the Princesses off was remarkable. The little snow creature with him seemed to be trying to get him to act his ancient age, but the lich wasn't having any of it. "Sir, you should really control yourself! Ponies are staring!""Bah. BAH! Let them gawk, let them stare. I am Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Undead, Fabulous Rainbow Magician, the Walking Ice Age, Lord of the Dance, Three Time winner of Best Smile in the Land, Former Mayor of Sycamore Town, the Epic Level Lich, Sorceror/Monk multiclass, Most Fabulous Undead in the Realm and maker of the Best Ever Cheese Sandwich, and I am one thousand, six hundred and fifty years and five months old, and I will act however I want! Remember, Mario," he waved a finger at his assistant, "growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. Now, let loose and SLIDE!" With that, he slid through the hallways, assistant chasing after him.
Cadence was examining the mirror of worlds when she heard the familiar sound of Xante coming in. He was grinning like a madman. "I like your floors. They're nice and slippery. A lich can have a lot of fun just sliding along floors like that." His assistant glared at him."I can't hear you! I can't hear you!" Cadence glared at him."Look, listen-" Cadence interrupted him, getting right up close."Sorry. I'm just not very... good at this. Being nice to people is one thing, but being a good guy is something that's outside of my usual repetoire."
He backed up, only now noticing the mirror. "Huh, what's that?" Before she could stop him, he skipped up and touched it. The result was that his eyes widened before he was thrown against the opposite wall. Cadence glared at him. "What on Earth did you think would happen?" Besides her, his snowy companion hurried over with a desperate look on his face.
Xante pushed himself up. "It's fine, Mario. It's REALLY fine." He looked at his hands, then back to the mirror, then back again. Cadence watched him."I've been an IDIOT, but I'm alright." Cadence raised an eyebrow."No, no, not like that, it's more..." Xante rubbed his temples, then snapped his fingers. "Have you ever been working really hard on a problem and then somebody else comes along and solves the problem for you with a really obvious solution? It's kind of like that." Cadence watched him. "Why didn't I think of that?"
She was pretty curious. "Didn't think about what?""This mirror is a portal to another dimension, right? Well, in my own universe, there's a spell to do that, but it drains a LOT of power to use. I don't have the proper regents here anyway, but the main problem is that the air here is less... adaptable, yes that's the word. Less pliant." He started pacing."Now, the maker of this mirror probably ran into the same problem, so he went about it in an ingenious way: rather than make the portal from scratch, why not have the portal be perpetually stable... in the form of a mirror?" He giggled, and Cadence was curious.
"Why is that important?" He gripped her by the shoulders. "If I can get a mirror with the right co-ordinates, I can go home, to my real dimension! In fact..." he hurried over to the mirror, took a deep breath and shoved his hands into it. The mirror was forcibly activated and he walked through. The light closed around him, and with a pop...
He was spat back out. Cadence quirked an eyebrow. He looked at the mirror angrily. Xante charged the mirror again, with the same result. He hmphed. "It seems as if I have that merchant to thank for this curse. It seems that I cannot leave this plane of existence until he wants me to leave. I cannot return to my own, I'm just bounced back here like some sort of interdimensional yoyo." He frowned. "Well, I'll be here for the time being, or until the sorcerer who did this deems me worthy of being returned."
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
A personal portal, and hello...
A personal portal, and hello...
I looked at my castle mirror. This would be the last time that I would see this mirror for at least a couple of months. In the Crystal Empire, the train was pulling in. I HAD to make this work.
If I couldn't, then I really had no hope of returning home. I mean, sure I liked it here, but home's home . And if you can't see your own home when you die (and I knew that eventually I would die, some misguided hero would destroy my philactery and then kill me before I could make a new one) then what is the point? I wanted to see home just one last time before I died. That portal to another world filled me with a need to be back, I'd left so much back there that I just hurried. Come to think of it, a cosmic entity like that merchant might have decided to permanently consign me to this world, in order to teach me a lesson. I called on a familiar spell, I'd cast it so many times that it was second nature to me now. I remembered the first time I'd cast it, my excitement that quickly diminished to just being depressed as all hell. How every day the same results had repeated themselves. It was SO ANNOYING.
I tapped the icy mirror, pumping the spell into it as a way to stabilise it. It seemed to work- the mirror shone brightly with a FABULOUS rainbow light.I stepped up to it, focusing. My mirror shone, brighter and brighter. Then, it stabilised. I wiped some imaginary sweat off my brow and probed slightly. I managed to get a view of some guy's junk. Quickly, I closed the portal and immediately tried to forget."AAH! TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF!"
When I was sure that the portal was closed, I decided to focus my efforts more, so I started with the universes that were closest to me. I focused on a universe with a man dressed as an evil armoured sorcerer, another that looked like Darth Vader in medieval times, and a knight of the sun. That one gave me pause. What on Earth was Solaire doing there? It didn't make much sense. Nevertheless, the multiverse has never really made all that much sense to me anyway. Still, this proved that the theory of portals worked. I smirked. Should I want to, I could go to another Equestria and get right into it.
A feeling that the entirety of this reality had been turned into jelly marked the arrival of another interdimensional traveller. I focused on the magical signature, trying to find... my eyes widened."Oh dear God no. Nope. Not dealing with this."
Unfortunately, there was no way out of here, and he could feel me. Without much else to do, there was little else but to alert Celestia and Luna to the entrance of a being who even I felt was weird. And considering everything I’ve done over a very long lifespan, including that time I founded a Bearded Lady Yoga class, that really says something.
Crystal Palace, at about the present time
Celestia felt the presence of Xante reappearing. Unlike before, he was panicked, and as soon as he spotted her he ran over. “Ah, hello Celestia, something very nasty coming, felt you should know, now I’m off on the next train out of-” “Bad. Like, REALLY bad. It’s kind of complicated, but he’s a… frenemy.” Celestia quirked an eyebrow.
“...Who’s Twilight?” Xante reviewed his memory of events, eventually coming up with something undoubtedly wrong. Five minutes of knowing the lich as someone other than some demented murderer had changed her opinion- he wasn’t just some powerful lich, he was a powerful lich suffering from dementia and just about every conceivable mental illness. “Is Twilight the pink one? Fairly sure she’s the pink one.”
It was at that moment that I heard his laugh.“BWAHAHAHAHAHA!” “Oh God… run… hide… save yourselves!” I collapsed on the ground and started shaking. Celestia, bless her heart, immediately readied a spell, summoning her armour from who knows where. “What is coming for us?” I managed to prop myself up.
“BWAHAHAHA!” A pair of crystal guards were kicked through the door, smashing through the opposite walls and continuing.“GET OUT OF THE WAY, TASTY BLOODBAGS! I TAKE… LARGE STEPS!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!” I raised an eyebrow. This was good! He was maybe a minutes away from us- thrity seconds slower than he normally is! Celestia didn’t seem so amused.“Celestia, I can explain. That is not my friend. That’s-”
The door is smashed in, and Luna sails through, still guarding. I hear his clumping footsteps, and brace myself for his terrible presentation. Celestia gasps, and puts a hand to her mouth. I can’t say I blame her. EVERYTHING about this guy is just awful.
The six foot six giant of a human being steps through the wall like it’s nothing. His huge body is covered in a huge checked flannel shirt, and a pair of thick denim overalls. On top of his head, a thick red woolen beanie is jammed over thick, spiky black locks. Beetle-black eyes twinkle out of an expanse of thick black hair, and with a shudder I can see that his moustache is host to several live bats. He grins at me, and bellows out a laugh so loud, I swear the Crystal Palace is starting to fracture.
“XANTE MUGWUMP, MY UNDEAD RIVAL! HOW ARE YOU IN THIS BACKWATER PLANE OF EXISTENCE!” This was Alucard, the Sixteenth King of the Vampires, and the longest incumbent of the Alucard title, besting even the original name by a good month.“Go AWAY Alucard, I’m not interested in your rivalry challenges right this second!” Celestia turned to me, anger in her eyes. Oops, I had denied this was my fault.
I tried to articulate some words in response, eventually managing something: “He’s my rival, not my friend! Besides, he’s a raving nutter!” When they weren’t swayed by this argument, I brought out my trump card: “He’s wearing women’s underwear!”
Luna turned to the giant which had briefly thrown her through walls with a mixture of curiosity and disgust.“IF A MAN IS NOT COMFORTABLE IN WOMEN’S UNDERGARMENTS, THEN HE IS NOT A MAN! THAT IS WHAT XANTE HAS TAUGHT ME, AND AS HIS RIVAL, I SEEK TO DISPROVE HIS PHILOSOPHY!”
Celestia and Luna now looked at me as if I was completely bonkers. “What? What? What’d I do? I swear to God, I didn’t tell him to become a crossdresser!” “NEVERTHELESS, I AM AFRAID THAT TODAY, I SHALL BEST YOU AT OUR COMPETITION!” I suddenly remembered an old trick to delay his even getting close to me. Slowly, carefully, I reached into a pocket, while he continued talking utter balderdash about ‘his epic rival-’ I was in no mood to fight the King of the Vampires.
“Hey, Alucard.” He finally focused on me, just long enough for me to dump open the small bag I kept in my cloak for emergencies like this. Grains of rice spilled out onto the crystal floor, prompting him to jump on them, furiously counting them. I smartly left the room, the alicorn sisters staring after me in confusion. I beckoned them to follow. “Quickly now, it’ll hold him for a bit then he’ll eventually count them all. That’s the problem with vampires- they’re obsessive compulsive about things like that. I once managed to humiliate him by stealing every left sock he owned, then getting him to dance by offering them all back to him. It was hilarious at the time.”
Celestia and Luna followed me, possibly to prevent me from doing any more evil deeds. I wanted out of here. I looked at them. “Do you trust me.” It was a rhetorical question.“Well, I do apologise for that, but we need to leave. He’s going to get REALLY ANGRY right about now, and I’d rather not be in this fragile place when he finally-”
“DYNAMIC ENTRY!”
“...finishes counting.” I deadpanned before being kicked in the face. The sheer impact was enough to almost snap my head clean off my shoulders, but I was able to, at the last second, focus my chi into turning my body as hard as rock, and all that happened was me getting kicked into the nearby mountain. I coughed up a wad of black blood, already focusing on healing my injuries. “Oh dear sweet gods above that hurts” I groaned, my entire body feeling like absolute shit. He’d be here any moment now-
“CLOTHESLINE!” Thank God. “I SEE THAT YOUR HAIR IS STILL AS FABULOUS AS EVER!” I looked up and groaned. Great, my hair was loose. My hat must have been knocked off by the sheer impact.
My long mane of hair, silvered with age and undeath, blew gently in the morning breeze. Its entire length sparkled, and a faint rainbow sheen was shot through it. In short, it was the best hair ever, but it was MURDER to maintain. I raised an eyebrow and pouted, and somewhere in the multiverse a necrophilic got a boner for NO REASON.
“Great. Now I’m going to have to-”
I was interrupted from my philosophical musings as to the state of my headgear by a gargantuan hair-covered fist approaching my face at a considerable pace. Naturally, I got right the hell out of there, the fist only barely missing me. Nevertheless, the sheer force of the blow was enough to graze me.
This was bad. Still, we were out of range of anybody who MIGHT be targeted… and it had been a while since I’d really cut loose with this spell. This one I’d developed specifically for Sombra, as a surprise attack when he wasn’t guarded with wards. Rainbow and ice magic flared around me as I focused my arcane arts. This wasn’t going to kill him… well, not permanently. Unfortunately, my spell casting was interrupted by something literally falling from the sky. This really surprised me- not often something like THAT happens. I picked up the gloves, turning them over for a bit. Something told me I shouldn’t mess with these gloves, but I’ve never been one to listen to reason much anyways.
For some reason, they were titled ‘Gilgamesh, Greatest Warrior.’ Huh. On a whim, not expecting anything to really happen, I simply said, “Gilgamesh, I am Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Undead and Fabulous Rainbow Magician…” Alucard attempted another punch and I was sent flying. “AND I COULD REALLY USE SOME HELP RIGHT NOW!”
In all honesty, I was expecting nothing to happen. I was not expecting to hear somebody scream from overhead.
Above me, I saw a very large figure step out... into mid-air. ”Do not fear, for Gilgamesh-! Wait…”
It was then that he realised that he was in the air and plummeting towards a snowy mountain.
”OH DEAR GOD WHY!?” I heard him scream before he fell, creating a massive hole in the layered powdery snow.
I watched the eight foot tall warrior fall through the snow like an ungraceful ballerina, attempting a manoeuvre way out of her league. It seems as if my summons has worked. He coughed, shaking off his rough landing. I facepalmed. Great, we were now BOTH going to die. Nevertheless, I blasted my adversary away with a quick spell and hauled him up.“Are you okay, big guy?”
He stood up straight and twirled his spear, puffing his chest out heroically. “Fear not, good sir, for no mere fall from the heavens will be enough to defeat me! Now, let us join forces Lich so we may best-!” He stopped when he finally got a good look at Alucard, the frilly pink bra still visible on his hairy chest. It was a whole minute before he said anything. Seriously, I counted. “Ok dude, seriously, the fuck?” That was a normal reaction to some unfortunate soul seeing Alucard for the first time.
“That’s Alucard, King of the Vampires. He was a lumberjack before he was turned. Hopefully that’ll help you understand things better. If not, well, that’s also understandable.” I REALLY didn’t want to alienate a potential ally.
“So basically I’m fighting a vampiric Monty Python reference… You know what, I’ve fought weirder.” I stared at him in response to that. “S-Seriously?”
He twirled his weapon before taking a battle stance. “Defeat or demise?”“Um, what?” “Beat him. If you kill him, then you will be considered the King of the Vampires. And that would be bad.” “INDEED IT IS BAD! YOU MUST RULE OVER A NATION OF BLOODTHIRSTY VAMPIRES! RULING A NATION IS EXTREMELY HARD WORK! NOBODY EVEN BOTHERS TO FIGHT YOU! NOW, MYSTERIOUS WARRIOR, IF YOU ARE AN ALLY OF XANTE, THEN FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!” The mere roar of his voice sent the snow around us back.
“Damn he’s loud. Not as bad as the Royal Canterlot Voice, though,” he muttered. “Indeed, I am allying myself with this Lich mage. And seeing as how I am the only one who has not introduced themselves, please allow me a moment.” He took a deep breath before beginning to spin his weapon in several different ways. “I am the mighty ronin of the multiverse! With my naginata in hand I travel over lands and realities seeking fights and adventure! The greatest of champions and entire armies fall before my might! Will you be an opponent to remember? Or are you just another enemy to be forgotten by THE MIGHTY GILGAMESH!?” He finally stopped twirling his weapon, holding it behind him with his other arm extended forward in a dramatic battle stance. “So, what’s the game plan?” he whispered to me.
“Alright. I’ve found where his portal actually is. It’s not too far away from here. I need you to direct the fight over to the top of THAT mountain.” I pointed to a mountain that was on the other side of the valley.“If we can hit him hard and fast enough, then you can direct him. I’ll widen his portal, and shove him through.”
“YOU DO KNOW THAT I CAN HEAR YOU, RIGHT? WELL, MY RIVAL, IT MATTERS NOT.” I noticed that his very body was starting to glow red. My eyes widened.“Gilgamesh, get back! He’s entering his Berserk state, and soon he’ll REALLY cut loose!”
“Protect, Shell, Haste,” he quickly announced, causing three short bursts of light and fanfare to activate on him. He then turned to me and quickly cast the same three spells on myself. He then grabbed his weapon with both hands and swung hard, causing a tidal wave of snow to kick off the ground and rush towards Alucard. Still charging up Berserk mode, he quickly jumped up and continued charging it up. “Physical defense, magical defense, and increased speed, agility, and reduced casting time. Are there any specific spells or abilities I should be worried about or does he just hit things?”
Well, that was easy. “Watch out for when he turns into fog. I saw that dissolve a dragon in seconds. Quite painful, but then again, I just resurrected after that. Also, here. Aurora Missiles. Proximity, home in on targets.” With a wave of my staff, we were now guarded with seven coloured missiles.“Another thing is, don’t let him grab you. If he bites you, it’s over in a second. Finally-”
I saw him pull his axe out, a simple woodcutter’s axe except for the red trail it left in the air. “Don’t get hit by the axe. That thing tears away magical enhancements. Now he’s in Berserk mode. No spells, but he’s infinitely stronger, faster and durable. Plus, he’s got a healing factor. However, he only stays in that form for about half an hour, so all we have to do is keep him delayed.”
“Hold up a sec. We just need to get him to that other mountain so you can start opening that portal, right?” Gilgamesh asked.“Uh, yeah?”
… I hadn’t thought about that. “Yes. He really, REALLY wants to fight me. Some bullshit about me being his ‘rival.’ But yes, he is mindless enough. I like your style. Now, we should run before he decides to get serious. Unless you have a way to take him there.”
He chuckled. “Behold, Lich Xande! For with my naginata time and space is my bitch !” He declared before cutting open a hole in reality with the weapon. He then grabbed me by the waist and before I could even ask what the hell he was doing he jumped through the hole, pulling me along for the ride. There was some sort of trippy rainbow kaleidoscope dimension we entered, but even through all the bright color swirls I could see Alucard jump in after us. Gilgamesh cut another hole in the dimension and we exited high above the mountain top, plummeting to the ground while Alucard followed close behind.
“He’s still on us, you idiot!”
“Maybe it’s because of me. Now, hang on a bit.” I focused on the portal, feeling my magic start to flow around me in a rainbow halo. “And my name’s Xante. With a t, not a d.” Nevertheless, I managed to get a hold on the portal.
“So, uh, how long’s this gonna take?” I could tell that the giant warrior was a bit impatient.“Hopefully not long. Alucard isn’t the most patient of spellcasters, and his ward schemes are utter crap.” I spotted a ridiculous ward in there and frowned. “See? Like that! He’s using a Cat with a sixth grade circle with three layers, when a really good ward would use a Dragon with a five-layered, eighth level pentagram at the very least! And don’t get me started on his writing…”
“...Right. Um, I feel I should mention despite having magic powers I’m more a melee combat specialist, and the magics I do know basically just work because I know what they do and I will them to work. Also, he’s kinda almost here.”
Oh shit. “Ah. That’s bad.”
“RAAAAAAH! XANTE!” Now glowing even brighter, Alucard had abandoned reason and was now focusing only on beating us up. His ax glowed brighter and brighter. Now desperate, I poured more and more power into reverse engineering the portal. “Do your thing, but make sure to keep him around here! Just a little bit more!”
“I admit, I am not used to fighting almost exclusively with ranged attacks, but I will see what I can do!” Gilgamesh shouted before leaping over Alucard, landing about fifty feet behind him. The vampire king didn’t even seem to notice and kept charging at me. Just as I was about to criticize him for leaving me unguarded I heard him shout “PENETRATING BEAM!” A red laser hit Alucard in the back, causing him to stumble for a second, before regaining his footing. Also, the frilly pink bra caught on fire and quickly burned to nothingness.
“Haha! Thy unsightly bra is no more, foul drinker of blood!”
The resulting chase had to be seen to be believed. Gilgamesh ran about like a headless chicken, while Alucard, enraged that his pink bra had been destroyed, chased after him. Fortunately, he was keeping on the mountain, allowing me to decode the ward scheme. I focused a bit, trying to get it on…
The Yakety Sax song started playing . I pulled on my ‘wat’ face. Even Alucard and Gilgamesh seemed to briefly pause in their mad chase. Then, they resumed. Gilgamesh kept his distance from the lumberjack vampire king, distracting him with his own ranged moves. Alucard kept charging him and healing from the blows in a matter of seconds.
Alucard’s ward scheme was an absolute joke, though he had a couple of surprises in there. I pulled a face when I saw that the final level of defense was at MOUSE level, generally well known for never being applied to defensive wards. I pulled it apart like a piece of cheese, and the portal opened. “NOW!” I yelled.
Gilgamesh stopped, turned to face Alucard and shouted “FLASH!” causing his body to briefly shine with a blinding light. Alucard stopped and rubbed his eyes with his free hand, and Gilgamesh used the distraction to grab him by the overalls, actually lifting him above his head spinning him in the air. “BEGONE, HAIRY FIEND!” he cried before hurling him into the portal. With a clap of my hands, the portal closed behind Alucard. Thanks to a couple of other rules, he wouldn’t be able to go back to here for a while yet.
For a while, we stood there in silence. I was the first to break it. “So, Gilgamesh. Where’re you from?” “Where you yourself hail from. Myself, I’m a native of Malonia. From your weapon, I’d say you’re from the eastern side of Xerkeria.”
“You don’t know of those places?” I scratched my chin, before realising. “Oh. You’re from Earth. Forgive me, for I’m not from there. My world is simply named Ranreia. I suppose you’d call it a ‘fantasy world.’ That would explain how you know nothing of wards. Where we are now is the Crystal Empire, which is different from Equestria.” I heard the distinctive noise of teleportation behind me. “It seems as if we have some guests.”
I turned to the Alicorn sisters as they appeared. Celestia turned to Gilgamesh, a bit shocked by his appearance. “Xante, who is this?” I bowed.“Celestia, this is Gilgamesh. He’s the guy who helped me get rid of Alucard.” She turned to him, cautiously.“Hey, big man. You alright?”
He didn’t really seem okay, just kept staring. I jumped up, waving my hand in his face. “Hello? Earth to Gilgamesh?” this different!”“Why is Luna being here so different? What’re they like on your world, shoggoths or something?” Actually, that was a really weird mental image. Luna seemed to like his flowery speech.“They kind of guessed from my appearance that I’m not of this world. Plus, they saw Alucard.” I cleared my throat, turning to the two alicorns.“Attention, Princesses. You probably already guessed this, but I am not from this world, and neither is he. He’s from another dimension, where you’re apparently not anthropomorphic.” I then turned to him.“Good explanation, do you think?” “So you originally came from Earth? I’ve been there a few times. Mainly, I was there at the signing of the Declaration of Independance. Oh, and at the inauguration of every single American president.” I sighed, remembering my little visits. “I’d pop into the Oval Office, talk about how ‘the balance of worlds has shifted,’ slap them in the face and then walk out.”
He just stared at me a moment. “You’re totally making that up.”“I am not. Look- here’s a video of me doing it.” I pulled out the little iPhone, and turned one of the videos on. I wanted to keep a record of my time, after all. The video clearly showed me appearing in front of Obama, and then my hand came around and slapped him.“The balance of worlds has shifted! Remember my face, for I am Xante Mugwump, lich extraordinaire! Good luck, Mr Obama!” “I’d like to see the proof that I didn’t just do that.”
“Ok, one, how do you have an iphone working here? Two, if that actually happened, why don’t I remember it? I watched that speech live on television, you know.”“One, I bought it and then made a very crude ward to convert magic into electrical current. Two: it’s quite simple. I’m sorry to tell you this, but I specifically blotted that part of the memory out. It’s a spell called Suggestion: all I did before was cast Suggestion through the camera crews and audience. You never noticed me or Obama doing anything out of the ordinary. Epic level people from my world can go to any other world if they have the spell, and you might never know.”
“If it makes you feel any better, Suggestion only works on minds that aren’t used to the arcane. I can’t do anything like that in this world, thanks to the magic. And it wasn’t mind control- more like a subconscious command.”
I shrugged. “I really like Earth myself. Your achievements are… frightening. And beautiful. Still! The past is in the past.” I turned to Celestia and Luna. “Where I come from, there’s a spell to traverse the barrier between alternate dimensions. Unfortunately, I was… sent here, by an eldritch being that had sold a young man an artifact enabling him to traverse the barrier. Whatever this being is, it’s also preventing me from leaving.”
Celestia nodded sagely, folding her arms and causing yet more steam to appear from Gilgamesh’s helmet. “So that’s why you’re here…” she stood still for a moment, then turned to me. “Mr Gilgamesh. I don’t exactly trust you, but you did get rid of a potential threat, so I thank you. However,” here her aura flared up, “threaten this kingdom and you’ll live to regret it.”
I bowed. “Truly, if I didn’t, I could never look myself in the mirror ever again. If you need my assistance, then let me do this.” I focused my own power, concentrating. With a small amount of effort, I had created a small cube of Bifrost Ice, my personal specialty. I handed it to him.“I got the idea from your gloves. I can travel to your world through my own spell, but this’ll simply make it easier to travel. Call on me with this, and I shall render you whatever assistance you need. but if you need help right this instant, then I shall naturally help you.”
I scratched my chin. “Sorry. Most of my arsenal revolves around freezing things and shooting rainbows at other things. A search spell would only really be useful if you’ve already warded your stuff. Sorry I can’t help you out much.”
“Yes, it is a spell of my own invention. Pretty easy. If you want it, then I can offer it to you as a gift.” My finger lit up with a rainbow light. “It’s a simple ward scheme that I can draw on your armour. One question: how much magical control do you have? It’ll affect the ward scheme slightly.”
“That’s fine. Alright, here goes.” I drew a quick triangle on the front of his body. With another flick of my finger, I simply wrote what I wanted the ward to do. I then added a second layer on, frowning in concentration. Gilgamesh watched as the triangle glowed with a rainbow light. To finish, a small picture of an ox appeared within it. I then pushed the ward in.“There, done. Now, test it out. Think about a song you want to play, and imagine it playing.” A beautiful piano piece began to play, its slow and sombre notes echoing across the mountain. “Well, seems to work just fine.” He deactivated the song before turning to the Princesses. “Hail and farewell, fair Princesses of Equestria. And farewell to you, noble lich.” He bowed to me as well. “May the winds of freedom always carry your wings.”
I nodded to him. “May your quest to find your objects go as smoothly as a greased pig on ice.” Not my best metaphor, but hey, who cares?AWAY !” And with a jump he was gone.
I watched after him for a little while, before turning to Celestia and Luna. “Well, that happened.” I turned, ready to leave for a trip around the world. Unfortunately, before I could, I felt another arm grip me. I turned to Celestia. “Still don’t trust me?” She nodded silently.
One cannot accomplish miracles in a day. I wasn’t expecting her to trust me immediately, but come on, vampire lumberjack. She smiled benignly. “I don’t trust that you’re completely honest. So… I’m sending you to stay with my student in Ponyville.” Oh. Well.
Author's Note
This is a crossover with The Mighty Warrior of Epicness.
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
Boring train rides, part 1
Author's Note
Not many people liked the previous chapter. It wasn't my best work. It was rushed, and there was way too much action and randomness. Hopefully, this chapter will be more to everybody's tastes.
Boring train rides, part 1
I walked through the streets of the Crystal Empire, occasionally waving to a couple of former slaves I recognised. Naturally, I kept a big grin on my face while my mind whirled. Celestia ordering me around was a first, but then again, she HAD narrowly beaten me with her sister a thousand years ago. Who knows how strong she is now? It's always better to be cautious then to be ressurecting. Still, if they have trains, then I was going to get a little bit of fun out of it. After all, Celestia hadn't told them that I knew what a train was. I don't think that she remembered. Alucard had blown rational thought out of the water entirely.
As soon as I saw the train, I cowered away. "What is that foul metal beast! Do not worry, Twilight and extremely colourful friends, if you don't move it probably won't see you!" Twilight was about to correct me when I saw that ponies were getting into it."It seems to have some sort of mind control that is luring ponies in to be eaten! Such vile trickery! Why has the Princess not slain this vile beast of steel and other materials!"
Twilight's eyes widened and her own aura started glowing when she saw my hands light up with a rainbow glare. I wasn't really going to attack the train but I made out that I was doing so just to get her to loosen up a bit. The pink one, who was looking at my actions and my last sentence in particular, seemed to have caught on to what I was doing and said so clearly."Darn, you got me. Yes, I DO know what a train is, and I thought that was a good way to get everybody relaxed." Twilight pressed two fingers to her forehead in an attempt to be calm. Her dragon just looked at me with a deadpan expression.
Twilight just glared at us. "Stop it, both of you.""He started it!" I pointed an accusing finger at the dragon, who glared at me in return.
I hate train rides.
That was the first thing that came to me when I got on the train. It always felt like I was entering some sort of giant beast. I haven't even been in many trains! Yet the feeling that this was just plain wrong stuck in my mouth like a bad tooth. And this train didn't even have a snack bar or coffee like the modern Earth trains do. Or did. Time's passed here rapidly, I might go back to my home, look at their world and find that they've either barely advanced or breached the fabric of the universe with their large Hadron collider.
"Hey, keep moving, creep." And this was another thing I hated about a train ride- the company I would have to keep with no respite at all. I didn't mind some of these mares- the white one was positively charming, Pink was an absolute riot to be around and yellow was my kind of person. But blue with rainbow hair rubbed me in all the wrong ways.
I grumpily sat down. "Okay, okay, I'm just sitting down." Rainbow Hair continued glaring at me.
"Hey, Earth to creepy lich guy!" She was really getting annoying. I frowned. "Excuse me, but would you mind not spitting in my face, please?" I wiped a bit of spittle off my face for emphasis. Blue scowled, but grudgingly retreated. The purple unicorn-Twilight- came up next to me.
I waved my hand."Hello! This is the cool side of the train, you know." I briefly thought about messing with her head a bit more, but then again she was my sort of parole officer, so out of niceness I decided to be polite and know the names of my parole officers. After all, I was going to be spending a lot of time with them."So!" I clapped my hands together and both Rainbow Hair and Twilight jumped a bit at the sudden motion. The thing about these ponies is that they're so jumpy all the time. It's kind of annoying, but a forgvable character quirk what with the herd mentality."Since I'm going to be with you guys for a while, it would be prudent to know your names."
I pointed at the blue one. "I would like to know your name, ma'am." She glared at me."Charmed." I quickly gripped her hand and kissed her hand before she could react. She freaked out a bit, waving her hand around and glaring at me. I then turned to the white one."And you, fair maiden? I promise, I don't bite." She hmphed."...fair enough. I'm sorry about that, and I believe that we can overcome that unfortunate chapter in our lives by cordial discussion."
Before she could introduce herself the pink one suddenly appeared behind me. It was all I could do not to freeze her in place. As it was, my aura instinctively flared up and the seats around me were covered in frost. Pink one seemed to regard that as a cool trick."Indeed. I am a cordial cordial lover." I grinned; pink mare had a good sense of humour, and apparently a good dictionary. I looked over at Twilight. With a friend like that, why bother with a dictionary?"Your name is, surprising pink mare?" "Is she-"
I think that I am going to like Pinkie Pie a lot more now. This'll be fun. I turned to white one. "Madame, I have not had the pleasure of knowing your name."
I then turned to the poor yellow mare, who seemed to be as terrified as an old lady in the same plane as a bearded ethnic minority. Then again, from her perspective, I have fought her high rulers in single combat and almost won, so there was some nervousness. I smiled with my mouth closed and addressed her softly."Hey, what's your name, miss?" She looked away and mumbled something. I looked at Twilight."Shy?" "It's a pleasure to meet you, Fluttershy." She mumbled something that might have been a pleased to meet you back, but I wasn't counting on it. The shy usually come round.
"What about me?""Of course, silly me. Forgive me; I'm one thousand, six hundred years old, and I'm liable to forget things." The other ponies in the carriage were fascinated by that, judging by the way they leant in."Yes. Why, do you want to know my secret and want to try it out?" Twilight shook her head."Trust me, eternal life SOUNDS good for the first hundred years or so, but then you discover that certain extremities are unlikely to survive the test of time, you have nothing to do, and your philactery is ridiculously hard to keep safe."
Rainbow Dash looked at Twilight. "What's a philactery?""I didn't give in to necromancy, necromancy gave in to me."
I nodded. "Yes, that's true. I put my philactery in a rather nice silver amulet, right in my extremely cavernous vaults, surrounded by wards and traps." Just because I'm a reformed villain doesn't mean that I'll tell my caretakers everything. And if Rainbow Dash ever got it into her head to destroy me, I'd rather play it safe and give her the location of my fake philactery. Twilight smiled warily at me.
The train chugged along and I soon got bored. I hate being bored. I was desperate to do something, and evidently Pinkie Pie was as well. For a while, the two of us occupied ourselves in safe ways- you know, like huffing on the windows and drawing on them. Soon, that wasn't enough. This led to our current situation.
Twilight stared at Xante as he built a snowfort in the middle of the train carriage and tried, for the umpteenth time to explain why this was a bad idea. "Xante, I know you're bored, but having a snowball fight- in a closed carriage, no less!- is a really dumb idea.""...why?" He said it with such a confused expression, as if not having a snowball fight in a train carriage was utter madness, that she almost gave in to what her instincts were telling him and slapping him. Logic prevailed that this person was not only likely senile and a living history book, but was also capable of giving Celestia a run for her money.
"In any case, Twilight, you should probably join in." She levelled a glare at Pinkie, who had built her own snowfort. "Pinkie, you're not helping.""Are you implying that we're too old for a snowball fight? I'll have you know that age is mental."
Twilight just gave up at that point. Standing in the face of Pinkie Pie's logic was futile. "Fine. FINE! Have your snowball fight. See if I-"
It was at this point that the train started rocking on its wheels. Xante looked around, good humour mostly gone. "Does this often happen on your train rides?" Twilight shook her head."A piece of wisdom that many over the ages have ignored."
I was a bit annoyed by this order. "Can you enforce this in any way? This sounds interesting, I want to see it." I turned, and flung open the door, revealing a pink forcefield. Experimentally, I poked it and was rewarded with my bony finger rapping on its hard as rock surface. I then glared at Twilight."What is this? Some sort of cage?" She smiled apologetically."And who are you?"
He looked me straight in the eye. "Shining Armour, Prince of the Crystal Empire and Captain of the Royal Guard."
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
Boring train rides, part 2
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
When the train pulled into Ponyville station, the battle of wills was in full swing. The Elements of Harmony stood right back, watching it from afar.
"No.""Please? Come on! I got the maid outfit and everything." "Yeah, I agree that the whole maid thing was pleasejustbecomemymaid. Please. I'll give you more orgasms if you do~." "It's not magic, it's chakra. Slightly different. Magic is mental energy, chakra is physical energy." It's not often that I have to make that distinction. Regardless, Queen Chrysalis looked at my two new serfs and shook her head."Well, it would've still been in my favour, but-"
I was cut off- both quite rudely and literally- by Queen Chrysalis' hand going through my neck like a knife through butter. "Really?""Only a sanctified weapon is enough to kill me. Other weapons hurt a lot, that's all. Your move." "That was uncalled for." With a burst of focus, rainbow light surrounded my severed hand and my stump, both leaking a black ichor. They reattached without a hint of a seam."Rainbow Magic is the magic of healing, undeath and general destruction. Very versatile." "Lady, I fought Celestia and Luna to a standstill, and I would've won had they not gotten a lucky shot in." Power flared up around me, quashing her objections. "Beat that."
Chrysalis glared at me, but grudgingly backed down. "Fine. But I'm not your damn maid. In fact, oh Mr 'First Among Liches,' if you're so powerful, then how come it took you so long to escape Shining's barrier?" She waved at the stallion, who glared back.
"That is simplicity itself, Captain Shining Armour!" I grinned happily as I explained."You see, I don't often get living creatures to be my servants, and zombies suck at cooking things, or doing anything really. So, I interviewed them on the battlefield- which is totally awesome, by the way- and now I have two servants who can shapeshift as my followers! Neat huh?"
Shining Armour glared at me. "If I hear even the slightest hint that something's up with you and my sister, I'll-""Put me in that shield thing? Like that worked so well last time."
Earlier on the train... Shining Armour watched as his magic started glowing around him. Xante grinned.
"Ready? Okay, I'll strip."Shining Armour's jaw dropped as Xante started removing his clothing. Curiously, his nipples started glowing. "Stop that, Xante! My sister's on this train! Stop it!" Xante blew a raspberry and threw his upper robe off entirely. Shining knew that this was a bad idea, messing with an old and insanely powerful lich. However, there wasn't anything he could do aside from compressing the barrier.
With a flare of power, the cell tightened around him, at its highest possible strength. Xante grinned, and with a bright flare of light he disappeared. Shining glared around. "Where are you?" Shining Armour whipped around, trying to catch the lich, but he was gone. Cautiously, he removed the barrier- -and he was winded as a fist like iron smashed into his gut, denting his armour. Xante grinned unpleasantly. He preformed the same gestures for his Immutable Cube. With that, the Cube surrounded him.
"... and that's how I bested him: with cunning, wit, skill and an ungodly amount of luck."
With that, she dragged me off. However, before we really got moving, a coin fell into my hand. I looked it over- a golden coin with the helmet of a Roman soldier on it. Not wanting Twilight to see it, I quickly stuffed it into one of my pockets for safekeeping. I was going to examine it later.
After a brief tour around 'Ponyville,' where I was barely focusing as I tried to think about the coin, we eventually arrived at the place where I was going to be kept. Golden Oaks library. It was a literal treehouse-library thing. Whatever, I'd been in odder places."Nice place." I commented, wiping a finger along the tops of the bookshelves and finding it spotless. Wow, obsessive-compulsive much? Nobody looks up there.
Twilight chuckled a bit. "Thank you. Nice of you to say so." It wasn't the best of places, but compared to my previous accommodations it was practically heaven itself. Everything was pretty damn good here- it had books, books, a kitchen, all this nice stuff. Perfect. Except for a few decorations..."Do I have a room or similar? I could really use... stuff. With other stuff." I've never been a good liar under pressure, don't judge me. Thankfully, Twilight didn't seem to be the most observant of ponies.
My room, such as it was, was located in the basement. I raised an eyebrow."Um, I don't want to seem rude, but... you could be rolling in money. Why aren't you?" Twilight smiled gently."Ah. I was just curious. This room shall suffice for what very few needs I have. Thank you." I then hurriedly escorted her out before she noticed the glimmer of silver on the table that had literally appeared there in a few moments.
I walked over to the table and picked the silver object up. One side had an angelic figure with Columbia 1900 inscribed, and the other had what looked like a sword and key superimposed over a scroll. Whatever it was, it was no coin that I recognised. It seems as if I'm extremely lucky with random coins just falling out of the sky to meet me. I flicked the coin reflectively, then pocketed it with the other, where they clinked and jingled. Why coins? It didn't make much sense to me at all. Maybe they travelled better than other mediums. As I recall, that mysterious being sold enchanted merchandise so that he could transport people into this realm known as Equestria. And from what Gilgamesh'd said, there were other Equestria's, scattered through this chunk of the multiverse.
If I wasn't imprisoned here against my will, then I would've clapped at the audacity of the salesbeing. Good on it for knowing that humans, like magpies, enjoy shiny stuff. So, set up a stall filled with shiny stuff, distribute it where you'd get angry, disaffected people- a comiccon or something, I don't know- and watch the ball roll. Quite impressive, with a lot of destruction achieved for almost no effort on your part at all. It did rely on those humans' greed and need for shinies... ah, who am I kidding. Those humans LOVE money and shiny objects. I liked them a lot, but their obsession with money and recognition was simply fascinating to me. They were like tall dwarves, if that made any sense.
Well, time to set up a mirror. I simply walked over to the wall with the mirror. Power flared around me. I focused on my hands. Twin magic circles surrounded them- a pale blue circle in my left and a seven-coloured one in my right. I slammed them together, and created a new circle, one still rainbow coloured but now tinted white and light blue on the edges. Bifrost magic was what I was after to make a truly stable mirror portal. The other one I'd built in my castle was a simple stop gap measure born of desperation. With a fine, flowing script, I traced on the mirror several powerful wards, intent on keeping this a secret from everybody. Should I need to escape, I could do so. Then, I simply called up a familiar spell and shoved it in.
Whereas my previous measure was crude and unstable, with a lot of static, the images I got now were crystal clear. I watched with mild interest the man dressed as Darth Vader flee a collapsing Canterlot. I didn't know how to feel about the huge man in golden armour, watching over Celestia in another world. I even managed to spy out a pair of humans flitting through reality, brother and sister. When I saw two humans from alternate universes having sex with each other I quickly wrote a rune to record it for my personal viewing pleasure. In fact, I was having so much fun with the mirror portal I almost didn't hear the door being opened. Quick as a wink I shut off the portal and started acting naturally- which was to say, I quickly sat on the bench and picked up a random book. I flipped through the pages as Spike came down, just to check up on me.
"Hey, I was just asking- why are you reading that book upside down?" Crap."It's good for my mental processes. I'm afraid of going senile in my old age." Mr Spike just kept watching me."...nothing."
I sighed. Well, that had lasted a depressingly short amount of time before being discovered. "Alright, I guess I can tell you." I walked over to the mirror and tapped it, displaying the images again. Spike leant in, curious. "I've never seen a spell like this before. What does it do?""Are you aware of multiverse theory, young drake?" "Exactly. You know this already, but I'm not a denizen of your world. I am a denizen of the world of Ranreia, a world of magic and other things. I would explain more, but essentially, it's much like your world, only without all the ponies and stuff. And there is another world called 'Earth.' For some reason, other Equestria's have had a large influx of humans from that place. There's something behind it, and that's what's been keeping me here. I cannot return to my own world unless it decides to let me. And normally, it wouldn't be a problem, but the damnable creature is in some pocket of reality that I cannot find."
I would have explained more, but unfortunately my main caretaker blundered down here, and I froze in place, the mirror still showing images of other Equestrias- ones where she was a more conventional pony, and others. She stood there for a moment in shock, eyes looking between me and Spike as if we were doing something bad."I can explain...?"
Author's Note
So I was going through my writing process a bit like this.
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
For a while, we just stared at each other in confusion, me frozen and her just looking at me. We made an unusual tableau, not moving an inch. A random butterfly floated through the open door, landing on my nose. I broke from my frozen state to shoo it off."Miss Twilight, I can-"
My eyes widened as I was levitated out of the way and she approached the mirror. "I want to trust you, but if you keep doing things like this, then I'm going to have to keep watching you, Xante. Please understand that. By the way, what is this spell? I'm curious; I've never seen anything like this before." The runes around the edge were starting to blacken from overuse. That got me panicking. "Um, Twilight, can I shut it off now? It's not meant to be on for so long. It REALLY isn't." "Um, well, it's not important."
I frowned in annoyance. "Don't meddle with it, it's beyond your comprehension- NO DON'T TOUCH IT!" I swatted her hand away from touching my runes. I checked the runes for signs of smudging."Did you touch any of the runes? If you did, then it'd be bad. Very bad. Not sure how bad, but it could be disastrous." "Twilight, how do you think I got here?"
She frowned. "Well, the Princesses said that you were from somewhere else, so-""I'm not from another country, Twilight. I'm from another dimension entirely. I'm not meant to be in your world at all. I was sent here by a demon of some sort. And he's preventing me from leaving and I can't find him. It is most vexing, being here. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice world, but I'd rather be home." "YOUR world has demons that are imprisoned there, that's true. But throughout the multiverse, demons jump through The Void."
Twilight cocked her head to the left at that. "The Void?""The Void is the space between worlds. It's... nothing. Absolute nothing. No light, no dark, no up, no down, no gravity, no air, no time... absolute nothing." "Padding. You see, if the worlds were to collide, there would be catastrophic consequences for both. But with The Void, the different dimensions are kept separate, unable to interact with each other normally." "That is correct. That's why I use the Dimensional Mirror. You see, my spell normally requires some rather hard to access regents, and I can only make one. But if I use a mirror, I can bypass most of the process and I don't have to worry about stabilising the portal. It's automatically stable. Problem is, if it's open for too long, it'll do something bad, I'm not sure what exactly."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "You don't know?""I've never used this spell before, it hasn't been tested. As such, anything bad that happens is entirely going to be worked on." "Well, yes. But the spell isn't meant to do that right now. It's just a viewing portal really- I use it for when I get bored and I want something to do, like a television." "It's like this box that you can put on your wall, or on a table, and you can watch things on it. Somehow, I don't pretend to understand. It's kind of sciencey."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Right. So..." her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. "Would you mind giving me a demonstration?" I didn't see the harm in it. With a flick of my fingers and a large magical circle around my hand, the portal was reopened and we flicked through different Equestrias."Here, in this universe I never came to it." I pointed to a universe that was practically identical. Twilight looked at it."You'd probably go stir crazy without me giving you some fun. Look," here I pointed to another universe, with a purple stallion with a green mohawk, his small purple assistant standing next to him, "here's a universe where you and your assistant swapped roles."
Spike looked at his doppelganger with an appraising gaze. "So that's what I'd look like if I was a pony, huh. Pretty odd to see myself like that." I nodded."Truly bizarre. Truly, truly bizarre."
I nodded. "Yes. But the person who taught me this spell told me very firmly to only use this spell for the direst emergencies, for the risk that the spell, when left on, can cause considerable damage to both worlds if left unchecked. Given that she was my grandmother, I'll take her advice." "She taught me a bit of magic that wasn't really legal where I come from, like my Dark Rainbow Magic." "You see, for every magical element, there is a... negative side, as it were. The Dark side. The Dark Side isn't more powerful- more destructive, yes, but not stronger or easier to use. Dark Rainbow Magic is functionally identical to the Rainbow Magic of norm, but it applies to the undead. Using this, I can resurrect the dead as minions to do my bidding, heal the undead and harm with negative energy. Unfortunately, Rainbow and Dark rainbow magics cancel each other out."
I sighed. "But Grandma taught me to be a creative thinker. She always told me, 'if you're not imaginative and varied, then a hero'll probably hit your weakspot like nothing else.' Ah, grandma..." I missed her. I really did. That reminds me, I have a thousand years worth of flowers to put on her grave when I get back, although where I'm going to find a thousand flowers is beyond me.
"Your grandmother sounds kind of odd.""Grandma was one of the best villains of her day. She set a family precedent for us- from then on, we were a family dedicated to evil. I suppose now I'm the black sheep of the family." "Evil is surprisingly hard to be. For starters, the family knows that sooner or later, a hero is going to off them, but with our family, heroes don't get us for a really, really long time. Over the years, we've learned a couple of things: first of all, we learned never to be a jerk by any other moral standard. We also learned to not be evil just because we can, that does terrible things to PR. And we created something called the 'Mugwump List,' to categorise our discovered methods of repelling heroes."
Spike doesn't trust me much now, which I suppose is understandable. "So how can we trust you after you told us all of that?""But I've just bared my soul to you and you're judging it, despite my changing being wholly a new choice on my part." "I'll have you know that I did actually practise this spell beforehand, and it didn't blow up, now did it?" I noticed that the runes had stopped glowing black and were now shimmering dangerously.
Twilight obviously noticed it too, as she suddenly started getting closer. Spike didn't, instead going upstairs while shouting about 'warning ponies.' I smiled at Twilight's coming to help me and Spike's sensible attitude, while frantically rechecking the runes. No use; they'd been pushed to their absolute limits and were starting to break. But if I got another caster in here... "This is good, we can fix this spell together. Now, would you say that this is a dangerous rune here, or here?" "Bifrost ice, or ice that I enhanced with Rainbow Magic. Makes it not melt. Now, how much warding do you-" "Hang on! I gotcha!" "...maybe I don't have you." With that, both my arms tore apart at the elbows. We were sucked in, screaming, into whatever destination the Void had in stall for us. Before that happened, though, I witnessed a golden coin fall into vision, sucked in with the rest of us.
Twilight opened her eyes, then closed them again at the sight of the swirling rainbow coloured environment she was in."Hey, are you alright?" She opened them again, to see the face of Xante, with something on his forehead."You're awake? Good. Could you pull this coin out of my forehead then?" "You see, while we were being sucked into The Void-" "Yes, The Void. Where we are now. Now, as I was saying-" "Well, The Void is influenced by magic- for instance, a fire mage going through here would be in a fiery place, while a teleporting mage wouldn't even see the void. Since it was my spell that sent us here, and my presence with the most magic, narrowly, The Void is like this."
"The coin stuck in my head? Yeah, I swear the coin appeared just as we were about to go into The Void. Would you mind pulling it out? I would, but it's embedded too deeply for my fingers to reach it." "Well, at least I don't have a coin stuck in my head for the rest of eternity." "You see, once you're in The Void without a suitable way out, you're stuck. Game Over. Nada. And since my spell doesn't work without a mirror, I'm stranded here. I've only got you, and you'll probably die in a couple of months. You can't live on socks, you know." "The little bastards float in here through temporary holes in their universe. We could build a sock fort."
Twilight reviewed what he'd been saying. "So we're stuck.""Yep. No way out, not without another portal, or somebody summoning us." "Very odd coin though. Definitely magical." "My new gloves?" He looked at his hands, clad in their new gloves."Oh yeah, these. I got them from a nice fellow called Gilgamesh. Said he used them as a sigil-" "-Then we can use them as a way out!" Xante beamed, then his face sagged."No use. It's a bit too soon to call on him. Maybe try one of the coins?" "I was planning to tell you. Hang on."
He took one coin, weighed it in his hand, and flipped it."I am Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Undead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magician. Me and my friend are stranded here in The Void, and need your help!"
Author's Note
This took way too long.
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
When I woke up, it was to the familiar sensation of not wanting to get up. Still, physical conditioning was important. Time for yoga. One of these days, I was going to forget. But my physical conditioning ensured that I was always flexible and lithe. Really helped, freaking heroes out with some yoga poses, along with stripping.
First things first, a mat. Fortunately, my cloak doubled as an excellent mat. I stripped to my underwear to allow my lithe, supple, rotting body the fresh air it needed to ensure that my chakra was flowing through me. To start the day off, I stretched and did some pre-exercise warm-up, to ensure that my bones and muscles were in good condition. Then, I started stretching my joints and going through some rather complicated positions to ensure that I was as flexible as I ever had been.
I was just putting my leg behind my head when I heard Auric Fulcrum come in."Morning!"
I was always up for exploring new places. Then, I thought of a good idea. I quirked my eyebrow and put my legs behind my head. "Sure. Hang on, is your assistant still around? I want to mess with her a bit." It wouldn't really be me that messed around, it would be him as soon as she discovered that humans could actually move like that. It was harmless enough.
Auric shook his head. "She's in Canterlot today, reporting results from the... few experiments I've been doing. When she gets back, she'll be attempting to entertain and answer our other guest.""Right-o. So, is there anything I should know about this place? I'm guessing that it's not Ponyville. I'm already there, in a manner of speaking."
I hmmed, thinking about it. "Sounds good to me. I've always liked exploring new places- when you have eternity ahead of you, you quickly learn to take pleasure in travelling." That was one reason why I liked this place so much- it was completely different from anything I'd ever experienced in a very long life. My joints needed a bit of a pop, and I let them do so. Loudly. Auric winced a bit at that, but I was busy getting dressed. With rainbow circles surrounding my hands, I pulled my clothing towards me and dressed."So let us move."
Auric pinned a list he'd been holding onto the door, looking at it. "Let's just hope that she reads it and doesn't question it too badly..." With that, he knocked on the door.please ." He opened it and ushered me through. I was already making several mental notes to never have sentient doors in my castle ever. They seemed to me to be too much work. Better to have non-sentient ones, like our ancestors had.
We walked outside, and I was immensely impressed by the sheer scale of the wall. Ten feet tall and five feet thick, this wall looked more at place surrounding a castle, not a tower. Auric grinned at me. "So tell me, what do you notice about the wall?""Enought anti-magic wards to blockade an entire prison." I noticed that one ward on the door wasn't as efficient as its brethren."I'll give you a bit of advice on that ward on the door- needs a slight tweak, and it'll be twice as efficient."
Auric squinted at the aforementioned ward. "Huh. Interesting, I'll mark it and me and Measured and I'll look over it later. We sorta patched this system together to keep... well, anything we didn't want to get in."
I stepped outside, and the first thing I noticed was that there wasn't any real difference, apart from a bit of scale. "Well, I see no noticeable differences. Asides from everything being a bit-"
It was then a sharp impact, approximately going at the speed of sound from what I believed impacted with my back, driving me into the dirt. My frail, moulding body slowly started to break. A surprisingly heavy object on my back finally halted, right on top of my prone form."Ow."
Auric facehooved, I think that's the most appropriate word for this situation. “Girls. Why. Are you. Here.”
Another one chimed in, this one with a much scratchier voice. “Yeah, and when we asked, all the grown-up ponies say ‘you’ll understand when you’re older,’ and won’t tell us anything!”
A third, in some sort of country accent, was the final one on top of me. “So, we decided to come over ourselves! Oh, and bring you some sweets from Sugar Cube Corner!”
Well, that sounds nice for those three.
“Um, if it isn’t too much bother, would you mind getting off? My old and decaying body has sort of split in two, and I would very much like to reconstitute myself, if that’s alright with you three.”
They looked down and spotted me. For a slight moment, they were still. Then, they started screaming and flailing. The white one even started setting fire to things. I wasn't really concerned when I started to catch fire.
"Ow. Ow. Ow-" It was then that I realised that one fire was heading towards my sleeve and I panicked. "-that’s not supposed to burn!" Another part of my sleeve came dangerously close to fire. I tried to blow the fire away. "Neither is that!" Then, my main, pulpy body got dangerously close to the fire as well. "Ah! Mind the robe! Don’t burn that don’t burn that don’t burn that! It’s too fabulous to burn!”
It was then that I heard Auric say something. "SEAL!"“I’ve had worse, but this robe- Oh, this robe is simply RUINED! I paid good money for this spidersilk, I even found some wood-elves and paid them so much! You don’t get dirt out of spidersilk, it’s hand wash only!”
Auric shook his head. “You clearly don’t know who you’re talking to. We’ll go over it later. I have a trio to wrangle.”I do that?”
With a slight bit of focus, I recalled my pieces with a flare of magic. “Before you leave, I want to give you a little something… I think I have it here…” I like kids. And it was genuinely an accident, no real malice on their part. Let's see, I bought a packet of jelly babies or similar on the train, but I never ate them... ah, there it is.
“Alright, I’ll forget about it one time, but don’t run over me again, okay?” I proffered it to them and their eyes widened. Auric watched me with suspicion. Fair enough.Cutie Mark Crusaders. They caused explosions and calamity when an Adept wasn’t a part of their number. Giving them anything is like asking , no, daring the universe to smite you.”“It’s just candy. I’m paying them not to run into me. If they do… well, then I’ll have to tell their parents or next-of-kin or something.”
Auric rubbed his chin. “Oooh, I might just have to do...that…” he then remembered something and sighed.
They huddled in for a bit and whispered amongst themselves. I chuckled inwardly when they seemed to reach a conclusion. The orange one's head popped out and regarded me. “What sorta candy?”
I tilted my head, trying to remember. Eh, something about them being jelly babies or something...? “Uh… let’s think, I bought that stuff fairly recently on a train. I think that they’re jelly babies or something.”
She returned to the huddle. After thinking about it for a while, Sweetie's head popped up. "No chocolates?"
I rubbed my head. Let's think about my chocolate inventory... thousand year old chocolate bar seemed to be the only thing I had. “Chocolate’s bad for your teeth, you know. Besides, the only chocolate I have is a bar of dark chocolate that’s over a thousand years old. But…” I waggled my eyebrows and pulled out a rather secret box. I contemplated the really, REALLY good chocolate, but I wanted to bribe them, not get them hooked on a taste that's almost impossible to obtain.
“This is genuine Belgian chocolate, under a preservative spell. It’ll be the best damn chocolate ever.” I opened the box, letting all present see the tiny, red-foil wrapped balls of Belgian chocolatey goodness. Their mouths watered, Auric's included. As one pony, they all wiped the slobber off their mouths. I didn't pass a comment; I'd been in that exact situation once before, after all.one of those will be dangerous for your dinner appetite and might just ruin your opinion of other chocolates.”
They rehuddled. Then, they turned the full force of their adorableness on me. My soul wavered, telling me to break out my really, REALLY good stuff. But I persevered.
I chuckled good naturedly. “My, you have good manners. Here." I gave them two balls each, just to ensure their silence. I winked at them. "It's a secret to everybody." all turn out to be Adepts.”
I smiled. “Just glad that I don’t have to break the REALLY good chocolate. Trust me, after you’ve tried a genuine Wonka Lindt, the Earth ones’ll taste like utter garbage.” Auric blinked, obviously lining it all up and setting it in his mind.that world next..."your Twilight doesn’t try to break the rules I wrote about…”
(Meanwhile, in the guest room of the tower…)
Twilight woke up. “Ah, that was… surprisingly pleasant.” She looked around.
“Now, where’s Auric? I wasn’t asleep for that long, was I…?” Getting up and refixing her shirt, she wandered over to the door, on which was pinned a note.
“From Auric?” She pulled the list off and read it. Then reread it again. Then again, to confirm what Auric had written. Her eyes narrowed.
“You sneaky little…” she took a couple of deep breaths.
“Okay, Twilight. Okay. In and out. Iiiin and oooout.”
She frowned. “Nope. Not helping. Still mad. Then again…” she bit her lip, remembering the Jupiter room.
“Perhaps it’s best to…” She frowned.
“No. I guess I’ll not go there, and I won’t tamper with the mirror, but I WILL at least see into the other rooms!”
If the door could chuckle, it would have.
Twilight walked over to it. “Alright, give me the labs, please.” She opened the door to the kitchen. Her eye twitched, and she shut it again.
“No, I said laboratories.” Opening it again, she was given the bathrooms. A bit of hair started frizzing up.
“I swear, if this isn’t the laboratory room, then I swear to Celestia, I WILL turn you into firewood.” She glared at the door, which seemed to be mocking her. Opening it a third time revealed nothing but a blank wall, with another note pinned onto it. Taking it down showed a very...well, it was a message.
Twilight-
If you’re THAT bored, feel free to LOOK, but not TOUCH, at the mirror. Or, perhaps in a few hours, when Measured returns, you two can swap comparative magic theory.
Lord and master of the tower, wielder of Alchemy, and your host-
Twilight’s eye twitched and her mane burst into a small blaze. With conscious effort, she turned it off and tried to calm down. It didn’t work.
Author's Note
Sorry this one was a bit later than my other crossover chapter.
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
When all you've got to keep is strong
“And that is why Alchemy is awesome. At least, when paired with me.”
The trip through the Everfree had been surprisingly calm. This gave me time to grab nearby plants, deconstruct them down to their base materials, and weave them into patchwork...well, patches for the Lich’s robe. They even looked right! Such a thing was intensive, and I could only work on one segment at a time, but by the time we hit Newvale, the robes at least were whole again.
“You’re gonna want to hit it with a true Transmuation, though. They’ve no actual properties of the material they’re mimicking, mainly because I’ve no idea how it works. Still, at least your appearance has been maintained.”
Xante shrugged. “It’s pretty incredible, what you’ve done for this. Alchemy back home is pretty goddamn useless- all you can do with it is transmute metals into other metals. Plus, there’s a whole heap of restrictions on what you can and cannot transmute.”
I shrugged as well as we came up on the gates of Newvale. “Yeah, well, answering the Question in...how did Typhon put it?...oh yeah, a Science-based world. That tends to make Alchemy not-useless. Knowing how the world works removes a lot of restrictions - If you don’t think it can’t be done, you’d be surprised what you can do. Anyways, welcome to Newvale.”
Xante looked over it. “Very nice. I think I had a fortress like that the sixth, seventh time I conquered Ranreia? I like it.”
I nodded at his statement. “Well, it’s just supposed to be a town where Adepts who dislike Celly can live a life away from her rule. The fact that every Adept here is at least moderately competent, Mars and Jupiter moreso, tends to help with defense.”
Xante scratched a chin. “Ah, like a wizard town. Never try to burn down a town filled with wizards, it never works out. Unless you’re much more powerful than they are, in which case do so.”
At this, I actually laughed. “Oooh, that’s a good one. Yeah, the Mars and Jupiter Adepts here managed to combine their strength and hold off a freaking...I’m calling it a greater wyrm. Lady Skycleaver. Oh, and the rest of the Dragon Migration passed over. You may have noticed, the town’s still here…”
Xante nodded. “Dragons are indeed fearsome beasts to overcome, even for me. Wait, no. For me, a dragon’s just an overgrown lizard with wings and a brain.”
I started to lead Xante through the town, taking note of the vague looks of interest we were garnering. “Well, I can’t take all the credit. If you want to meet...my other half, I call him. Then we can visit the Penumbra Sanctum later. For now, anything you’d like to see?”
Xante shrugged.
He managed to spot the bar and his eyes widened. “-but we should totally check out the tavern first. I need to get my drink on.”
I sighed. “Of course. Flowing Tap and Irish Charmer run the place. Tell them ‘Old Headless sent me,’ and they’ll probably break out the good stuff. In the meantime, I’ll check up with some community members, see if anything has been going on I should be aware of...and try to track down our resident manticore as well…”
I left the lich to his drinking and began to seek what could only be termed ‘community leaders’. There was Silver, of course, along with Shiver and Amber. Those three had the most affinity for their elements, thanks to the whole Lights episode. Common Grounds was also a good choice if I wanted to visit someone, and Snow Fluff was still head of our weather department.
...This was, of course, just a distraction. I needed to go see Common, inform him of my shape changing (again!), and then…
I had a memorial to build.
“You do live the most interesting life of all the ponies here, Auric.”
I groaned a bit while Common and I walked to the town’s square. After about half an hour of proving that I was, in fact, myself, he showed me what the town had found, nestled deep in the Everfree.
A Psynergy stone. A pretty large one.
In smaller stones, the energy stored in them is enough to restore a lot of Psynergy at once, but because they’re so small, they overload themselves recharging whoever touches it with all they have. Ergo, they shatter upon first contact.
A large one never shattered. And now we had one.
Newvale would be on all the maps after this. Once we installed it in the town square and I engraved it with what names I could. Not...not all the djinn that had been drained had names, after all…
A team of Venus Adepts kept Moving the stone until it was perfectly aligned, then stepped aside. I walked up to the stone and put my front hooves on it, relishing in the feeling of the power that rested in the stone, but I stopped it from charging me.
If it did, I might end up actually draining the damn thing. It’d shoot me forward a lot in my quest to at least regain human form, but the town needed it more than I did.
I shaped and molded the stone with my Alchemy, turning it into a four-sided obelisk with a pyramidal point. At the top of each side, I caused a name to come forward.
Talos, Moonfire, Flare, Frostfall. Them, their Djinn, and…
I also inscribed numbers. From what the Djinn had told me, there were...at least ten of each element that were unnamed and no longer with us. I backed up from my project and nodded at it and the words I had inscribed at the base of each side.
LEST WE FORGET.
Just then, there was a commotion from the bar, and I sighed. “Xante, you’d better not be getting in more trouble than I can afford…”
As I galloped towards the bar, I heard Xante yelling while one pony managed to be thrown out of the window. Great, a mighty lich was not only bone drunk but picking fights with people over something trivial, most likely.
"I am Xante Mugwump, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, Fabulous Rainbow Magician, the Walking Ice Age, Lord of the Dance, Three Times Winner of Best Smile in the Land, Former Mayor of Sycamore Town, the Epic Level Lich, Sorceror/Monk Multiclass, Most Fabulous Undead in all the realm, The D, Elf-Murderer, Master of Face Punch, Big Sexy, Friend to Children, Current Mayor of the Necropolis, and Maker of the Best Ever Cheese Sandwich! MY NAME IS NOT ‘ZANTE!’ THERE IS NO ‘Z’ IN MY NAME AT ALL!"
After quickly checking to be sure that the pony wasn’t too badly injured, I charged into the bar to see...well. It was a scene. It’ll probably haunt my memories in some fashion or another. I’ve yet to determine if that’s a good thing yet.
Xante had now stripped down to his underwear and had a mug percariously balanced in top of his pointy hat. He balanced on one leg, continuously swaying near the large barrel he was guarding. As soon as he spotted me, he waved. “Nice to… nice to…” He fell on top of a table and started staring at me intensely. “Your hair is pretty.”
I sighed. “If you’re talking about my coat , then I’ve yet to figure out what makes it. If you’re talking about my mane , we can blame the Golden Sun. And you , sir, are stinking drunk. How?”
“S’ not a big secret. Don’ need to… don’ need to…” He tapped his chin. “Summat. You do it with your mouth...thing.” His chest wasn’t rising or falling as he spoke.
I looked over to the backside of the bar, catching the eye of Irish Charmer. “What and how much did he have?”
Irish shook his head at the scene. “We started him off easy, but he just insulted our drinks. So me and Flowin’ pulled up the Devil’s Drink.”
I winced at that; never share your ideas with a bartender. Especially talented earth pony bartenders. “And?”
“He drank half the damn barrel before some idjet insulted his name.” Xante giggled.
I let out a low whistle. Nopony could even stand one mug of that stuff. They typically passed out halfway through. It was a standing bet that any pony that could drink one and stay standing would not have to pay for their drinks. Until now, none succeeded. “Well, guess he gets off scott free. C’mon, ya drunken lich. I’ve got someone I want ya to meet.”
Xante belched. “BREATHING! Yes, that’s it. Dun’ need to breath. Good effect. Ver’ good for swimming.” He fell on top of the counter. “That stuff… Devil’s… thing. I got a gift for ye, hang on.” He pulled out a small bag.
“This is Hell Barley. It makes really damn good bear. But keep the stuff away from metal. It does… summat to it, but it’s bad. Ver’ bad.” He tried to stand up, but fell on the floor.
“S’ a ver’ clean floor. Good on you.”
I rolled my eyes and looked back to Irish. “Get that over to the farms, we’ll see about growing it later. I have a suit of armor to introduce this guy to.”
I called on Lift, and ghostly hands sprung into being before scooping the lich up in their embrace. They followed me as I began the trek to the sanctum. “I don’t trust you to walk right now, Xante, I’m sorry.”
Xante lolled about. With a snap of his fingers, music started playing and he drunkenly started singing. “Th’ hedgehog can never, be buggered at all, the hedgehog can never, be buggered at all…”
This promised to be a long, long walk.
“Are you certain you’re good to go in there?”
We were by now standing outside the doors to the innermost part of Penumbra Sanctum. Where my ‘other half’, Dullahan, tended to reside. And where, thanks to Discord, the boundaries were thinnest.
It would be very impressive if not for the lich standing next to me. I swear I just saw him stagger.
“It’s fine… it’s fine… er.” Xante flopped down and looked at himself, then back to me.“Exactly how many legs do I have?”
I gave him my best snark. “If you start thinking you have more legs than me, we should put this off.”
Xante shook his head. “S’ alright. I just need to- hurk!” A long stream of bile shot out of his mouth. I was just thankful it had missed both me and his clothes, didn’t want the smell hanging around us.
“Better out than in, I always say. Right, I feel ready.”
I pushed the doors open and Dullahan visibly started at my new appearance. Boy? Is...by the Sun. What happened to you?
The armor clanked its way over and took a knee in front of me, giving the impression of ‘looking’ me over and paying no mind to the lich. “It’s just a forced formshift due to breaking my immortality and draining that power, Dully. I’ll be fine in time.”
As the armor continued to look me over, I pointed with a hoof. “Dullahan, this is Xante, with far too many titles to mention. Xante, this is Dullahan, with a more detailed story than I can give in a sentence.”
Xante staggered up. “A pleasure to meet you… er, which one are you? The one on the left or the one on the right?” He was swaying considerably, and he looked, if anything, even greener than usual.
The armor looked at him, then at me. Once again, I knew the sensation. “Devil’s drink. I regret ever giving the idea to the brewponies.”
The armor did its version of a nod. I remember. It then clomped over to the lich and placed a hand on his shoulder. Let’s try a few things. Break!
Xante staggered. “I’m sober. Huh.” He leant on Dullahan. “That is a very useful trick. I like it. Would have been very useful after some times. Now, I can drink even more of that Devil’s Drink stuff, very good.” He poked the flames.
“Is this rude or… something else? I’m sorry, I don’t often meet beings like you.”
The armor let out a chuckle. Nor I you. It’s fine. Just a bit odd. I have a few bits and pieces of the boys memories, and the only reason it’s odd is because a part of me keeps thinking you should be impacting a face there. Then I remember I never had one.
Xante nodded soberly. Probably the most sober he’d ever been. “That does sound odd. While I can’t really do much about that, how about something like this?” A blue ring surrounded his hand and he thrust it into the sky.
Dark clouds gathered overhead, then snow started falling down. Xante grinned. “Easy to do when you have the know-how.”
Dully and I looked at the snow around us. It was he who spoke up first, though. While there are techniques in Mercury to cause this...the question is not how. It is why.
Xante sighed. “Well, I caused a lot of chaos for you, so it’s the least I can do, both for you and for myself.” He leant on his staff.
“You see, about 1,300 years ago, I wasn’t exactly the… nicest of people. I had some rather nasty beliefs, that I have always striven to get rid of. And, I guess that I was a villain. But villainy is hard. Being good is easier than being evil. And I’m not sure that I’m fully good yet.”
The armor nodded. Me and the boy were one and the same for quite some time. We just didn’t know it, and...how did you refer to me again?
I smiled. “The little murderous voice in my head. Well, my mind, technically. You didn’t make a good case for yourself by Condemning Lady Skycleaver. Or nearly bringing forth Charon on Chrysalis.”
The armor waved a hand at my accusations. Pah, the dragoness deserved it. She would have stolen the Stars if she thought she could get away with it. And she made a fine example for the other dragons.
I pressed a bit, then. “And Chryssy?”
He actually visibly winced. Probably not the best idea, I will admit. But we got caught up in the-
“No, YOU did. The world would have been without a champion of Mercury if you had succeeded and I not wrested control back.”
We both sighed and looked to the lich then. “We have issues, but we mostly get along, so believe us when we say we know how you feel.”
Xante frowned, and shook his head. “My crimes are a bit worse than that. Back on my world, I’m known by one simple title: The Bifrost. It’s the only title I loath. When I was young, and discovered Bifrost magic… I kind of got drunk on power. The result is that there are several cities that are unmelting glaciers now. I am the murderer of three million people.”
Dullahan and I shared a Look. I spoke up then. “Did you mean to? If you were in your right mind, would you have ever considered doing that?”
Xante scowled. “NOW, I would never even dream of it. But back then… I believed that the strong were the only beings that should live, and they were weak. So… back then, I considered them equal to ants. And I slaughtered them like ants.”
Dullahan spoke then. I was naught more than a construct, designed to guard the most powerful summons. Countless raiders and plunderers found my resting place. Countless met their end at my blade. But since the boy and I shared a mind and...well, suit, his values and mine have mingled. So I DO understand. The weak met their end at my blade. Yet if I could, I would do those fights over again, sparing them and letting them flee now. It is a wonderful and terrible thing, to grow a conscience of one’s own.
“Plus,” I interjected, “That’s not counting the one murder I DO take full credit for. The Wise One, remember? Yeah, it was for the good of the world. Yeah, he was cuckoo as all get out. But...if I could have, I would do that fight over again, and merely send him away. For good.” I looked down at my hooves, remembering his pleas as I fractured him…
Xante nodded. “As punishment, the gods of my world twisted my fate. I am FATED to become the Bifrost once again. It is FATED that my philactery is going to be snapped in two. It is FATED that I will be thrown into a volcano. I cannot die, not until that happens. All across the multiverse, every single iteration of me who ever became the Bifrost is fated to have that happen to them. And I’m afraid. Why do you think I drink? I drink to forget.”
I snapped my eyes up and looked at him, then slowly walked over and held a hoof up. “Don’t make me. I could. I’m learning what words to not say. But never say that again. Don’t forget. Don’t try to forget. Don’t put it behind you. Accept it as having happened, as being a part of you. And grow, despite it. Or else I will twist the function of my Weapon on you.”
Xante smiled slightly too widely. “You’re welcome to try. I’m a dead man walking, I don’t fear Understanding much anymore. Maybe this is how it’ll end?” His grin became manic. “I’ve felt your power. Maybe now, the earth will split under us, and the lava will flow up. Maybe my philactery in another world will snap, and you’ll hurl me in. It’s what I deserve, isn’t it?” He cackled, eyes wide, and I shook my head.
I walked forward and put a hoof on him. “There are so many ways to twist this. But no, though you may deserve much, I will not end you. I will merely make you understand your victim’s pain .”
Xante smiled. “Do it. Show me. I want to know. I want to FEEL again. Undeath is so cold… I want to feel something. I want to feel the flesh blacken. I want to feel ALIVE again.”
The hoof started to shine with an inner light, and I reached inside myself, finding where ‘my’ body ended and the ‘blade’ began. I found what it was going to do, and it and I came to a consensus:
Xante would feel the pain of his victims, that much could not be altered, thanks to what I had said. But he would also see why those who aligned themselves with ‘good’ fought for that side. The joys in life and the little things. And it would pull them from the lives of his victims.
It was eerily similar to the Moment, when I saw both the beauty and the terror of the Multiverse, all at once.
Our consensus finished, Eureka let loose on the lich.
Xante screamed. Magic lashed out of his form, freezing the ground beneath him in delicate snowflake patterns. Rainbow light shot out of his eyes, showing scenes- memories- from his life. A scene of him walking into a town and simply slaughtering the first person he encountered. Finding and destroying those who tried to flee, boxing them in. Striking them down with beams of rainbow light that shot from the heavens, completely tearing their bodies apart. More scenes like this played out. At the end, I saw what made him change- him seeing the death of several children at his hands. Then, the little show ended, and he collapsed.
Finally, he stood up. “Well, it seems to be raining now.” I looked up. No clouds except what he’d brought with him. The tears coursing down his face told me otherwise.
Dullahan looked at me, and I nodded. We gathered our thoughts, and when he grasped my foreleg, that familiar hole opened up above us. “In truth, I brought you here for another reason entirely, though this was good for you as well. In this place, the barriers are thinnest. Think you can get a bead on ‘home’ for you and Twi here?”
Xante grinned. “I could have gotten a bead even without this, but it’ll help. Now, Ice Mirror!” With a wave of his hand, a single pane of reflective ice sprang up. Rainbow and blue circles collided, forming that familiar Bifrost colour. With a free-flowing script, simple, elegant runes scratched themselves onto the mirror. He grinned. “Portal spell is a go-go.”
He then turned to me. “I want to thank you for the Understanding, by the way. I mean it.”
I shook my head. “Those who suffer the burden of a curse like this one...it is nothing to me to distribute it. The trick is, finding a way to twist it so that others don’t become like more versions of myself. If you really want to thank me, find a way to yank your Twilight along for the ride.”
Xante nodded. “You use Elements, right? Then I’ll teach you one of my nastiest spells. You saw one method, didn’t you? Then I’ll show you the other.” He leant in, rainbow circles surrounding his hands.
“Memory Transfer- Spell.”
With that, he passed something to me. An incredibly difficult spell, that screamed Suicide spell to just about any caster. Summoning a mountain of ice to crush your foes, and a second one to ensure it did the job. When it was over, Xante nodded. “Done. You have learned Epic Level Spell: Ymir.”
I blinked and shook my head a few times to get the distinct feeling of someone rooting around in my brain’s metaphorical candy dish out. “Well. Now I know what it feels like. Think you can hold on with the Void-jumping until I get home and get your Twilight ready?”
Xante nodded. “Sure. One more thing.” He looked dead serious. “What I just taught you is what magic users where I’m from call a Suicide spell- you use it only when you absolutely know that there’s no way out. In fact, when I finally got off my power high, I, well…” He trailed off. I shook my head again.
“Our little moment wasn’t entirely one way, you know. I caught...snippets. Still! Good to know. Note to self - only bring ice age when area denial is a viable strategy and immortality has returned. Not even, if avoidable.”
I prepared myself, bringing energies in close and hoping that the Teleport I was about to attempt would not only work but leave me some energy. Xante focused on me, gathering his own energy. Wait, he can teleport as well?
Xante grinned. “Lesson 1 of being a villain: always, ALWAYS have an escape plan.”
The world melted around me, and soon, I was back in front of my tower. The disorientation struck, but far less than I was expecting, and I blinked a few times at actually being able to stand and not lose my lunch.
“Gonna need to figure that out later as well…”
Walking in to the tower was relatively peaceful. Walking into my room, also not bad. Walking up to the mirror and setting it for the...co-ordinates, I suppose, in the Void Eternal where I’d first heard Xante’s voice, that was simple as well. Just turn on the bloody thing and follow the signature of the most recent and massive work back to its origin.
It was when I opened the door to the guest room that I feared for my life.
Twilight smiled at me, slightly too wide. “Oh, hello mr Auric! How are you?” Her left eye twitched slightly, and her arms were folded. Taking note of that and her dishevelled ma- hair , I corrected myself, told me that her sanity was questionable.
“I’m...fine. I was about to perform a spell to look into the Void Eternal. A similar one that brought you and Xante here. Would you like to observe?”
Twilight grinned, pupils dilating slightly. “That would be wonderful , mr Auric. Especially since I wasn’t able to access your laboratories, hmm?”
She tapped a hoof to emphasise the point, and I laughed a few times. “Aheh. Yeah. I have that on lockdown for a reason, yanno. It’s sorta similar to the reason why you don’t give the Crusaders a box of fireworks and matches.”
Twilight frowned, a bit more of her hair springing up. “Ah, but I’m quite sure that there would be no harm in me… observing the Djinn for a bit? Just a little bit?”
I sighed at that. “They’re living beings as well, you know. Not just spirits. And...I had to build a memorial today. To the fourty-odd lost ones that didn’t even have names . I’d...like to give them today.”
Twilight’s mane got considerably straighter. “Oh.” She then realised how crazy she’d been. “Oh Celestia, I’m so sorry. I… I didn’t mean it like that, I was just curious about them. You know, scientist’s perogative.”
I smiled a bit at her. “So much like my Twilight, it’s uncanny. Tell me, dear. If you had proceeded, and I’d done something akin to verbally tearing your life apart, but apologized, yet still felt guilty, how the bloody hell should I go about making sure you realized I meant I was sorry about it?”
Twilight frowned. “So that’s why you’re shut up in here.” She sighed. “Well, let’s think. Has she- I mean, myself-not responded at all?”
“Not for a few days, and I think it best we refer to her as my Twilight, to help distinguish between you two. After the...incident in which I blew up at her, I tracked her down, apologized to her face, and...well, I think it helped , and some of the town and even a friend or two of hers have come over to try and entice me out. But…” I sighed and looked at my hooves.
Twilight nodded. “Well, alright, I’ll try to help. Your Twilight feels bad after you ‘blew up,’ and she’s probably looked at it logically. That’s what I would do.” She sighed, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
“When I was younger, and I’d been… bullied a bit, I would usually go out for a bit and buy Pony Joe’s donuts. You know, it made me feel better. Oh, and Hayburger. I love Hayburger. I did hear that there were plans of a Hayburger being built in Ponyville… has that happened?”
I blinked a few times before shrugging. “Wouldn’t know, for reasons relating to my story. So…” It struck me, and I laughed. “Oh. Oh Sol. Oh Sol that’s just brilliant. Here I am, sitting in my tower, feeling guilty and not wanting to go out and see the ponies because of what I said, not until my Twilight comes to talk to me…” I trailed off to let the other Twilight fill in.
“But now you’ve realised that you should probably talk your problems out together. Close?”
I smiled. “More like, she’s probably sitting in the library, waiting for me to come to her . Or just trying to avoid me altogether. Holding pattern, nothing gets done that way. Nothing useful, anyways.”
Twilight grinned. “By the way, if she teleports, I can tell you that when I feel really miserable, I usually hide behind the Apples’ barn or Sugarcube Corner. Just an anonymous tip.” She winked at that.
I smiled. “Good to know. Ready for another Void-hop? Xante has a bead on ‘home’ for you two.”
Twilight pouted. “Aw, I really wanted to see a bit more… but I guess we should get moving.” Suddenly, the time related information came back. “Oh sweet Celestia. Oh, sweet Celestia!” She gripped me and started shaking me.
“I don’t know how much time’s passed! What could have happened while I wasn’t there to deal with things? Oh, what if Cerberus somehow broke free from Tartarus again? Or what if Fluttershy started being really mean to us again? Or-”
“TWILIGHT!”
Twilight panted, sticking a hand in her mouth and blowing on it. “Deep breaths, deep breaths…” For a couple more seconds, she blew on her hand and tried to calm down. Then, she was calm.
“Sorry. I guess I overreacted again, huh.”
I sighed. “No kidding. Okay, Void-hopping, or trans-dimensional travel, can have time dilation between when you leave and when you ‘get back’. But. If a strong mind is the one making the transfer, then when said strong mind holds firmly in mind the moment it left any particular reality, then the effects of time dilation are negligible.”
Twilight sighed. “Oh, thank goodness for that.” She stood up. “Lead the way, Mr Auric.”
I gestured back at the open door behind me and the mirror that lay beyond. “Right this way. The only reason there was any time dilation when you were coming here is because I was ‘advanced’ in time as compared to when you left yours. Which is also why you shouldn’t have left the tower - you’d probably have seen something you weren’t meant to see. That and, two Twilights comparing theories? Can you imagine the strain it’d put on the fabric of reality?”
Twilight chuckled. “Yeah, it’d be pretty crazy if I was, like, an alicorn or something in the future. Real crazy.” She giggled a bit, and my laughter weakly joined hers a moment later.
“Yeah, no kidding. Or you might have managed to completely rewrite my Twilight’s understanding of how things work. I don’t think I really introduced her to the Multiverse.”
Twilight shook a finger. “If you want her off your case, then don’t. If I didn’t have home to worry about, I might… be tempted to image your brain.” That last bit came out in a rush, and I blinked.
“Okay, two things. One, are we talking just a scan of the brain, or a real in-depth scan of everything my brain has gone through? And two, you probably wouldn’t want to do it in either case.”
Twilight shrugged. “Well, from what you said, you Understand the whole multiverse in its entirety, so there must be SOMETHING different about your brain chemistry- just kidding, just kidding, I’m not actually going to image your brain.” She waved her hands placatingly. “See? No X-ray to use or anything.”
I sighed and placed a hoof on the mirror, getting it ready to replicate its previous feat. “The only thing different about my brain as compared to most of yours is simple. Grew up in a Science-oriented world. Any species that manages to answer the Question in that sort of world is something to be feared, dear. Because not only will they figure out how their world works...but they’ll figure out how other worlds work. Be glad I am not the summation of my species.”
Twilight nodded. “Well, I guess this is goodbye. You’ve been a good host… even though I couldn’t see your labs.”
I laughed a bit at that. “Dear, if you ever find your way into the Void Eternal again, I’d be happy to pull you out and show you another lab. But don’t take this as an invitation to go messing with Xante’s spells willy-nilly.” The mirror showed the ‘spot’ in the Void where I’d pulled the girl and the lich out of it.
Xante’s face appeared in the mirror. “Hello, Auric! Sorry, but this is kind of abrupt, but here!” A hand shoved itself through the mirror, a rainbow coloured ice cube clutched in there.
“Bifrost Ice Cube. Keeps drinks at the perfect temperature, never melts, AND it resonates with my magic. Call on me using this ice cube, and I shall respond if I have the power to do so.”
I nodded and placed the cube in front of the mirror. “Thank you. Ready to receive a Twilight on your end? Methinks your world’s missing her by now.”
Xante nodded. “Beam her up, Scotty!”
I motioned to Twilight with a hoof, and she stepped forward to take Xante’s hand. Right before she did so, however, I decided to be a bit cheeky. “Hey, just so y’know. I get the hunch everything will work out for you. Call it a peek, but so long as you stand by your friends, everything’ll be fine.”
Twilight smirked. “Well, thanks for the advice.”
And with that, she disappeared. I smiled, now ready for the first time in days to confront the issue that was my Twilight.
“So long, and thanks for all the fi- er, help.”
Xante's back!
I sighed. "Yes, I have pictures. It'll take a while to develop them." "Yes?" "Let's just say that I had a change of heart while there."
I needed that meeting, Auric. Thank you.
Author's Note
Well, this was done quickly. Here it is, the end of the crossover. Thadius0 is a blast to work with!
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
I stretched out. After the day's adventures, all I really wanted was to think by myself. And think about my crimes. I remembered the fire in Auric's eyes as he'd talked to me. He never raised his voice, just told me, in a calm, matter-of-fact voice that I should not forget who I was or what I'd done. He'd shown me the pain of three million people as they'd died.
The pain had shot through me, tearing me apart on the inside. Yet, when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I saw what the good people fought for. What I'd never really understood. I saw images of smiling children, a safe home for family, all that sort of thing.
I'd guessed most of what the good fought for, and of course I empathised with them. Rule 2 of being a successful villain: never underestimate the power of friendship. After all, if that hero is capable of beating those other liches of incredible power with his friends, then why should he not be capable of beating you? That was why, as soon as I heard 'friendship,' I typically just opened a hell portal and let the demons deal with them. It wasn't summoning- nobody has much respect for a summoner.
Yet I really, truly understood what being good was about. Mostly, it was safety for your loved ones and your country. Before meeting Auric, I would have known what those things were from a purely logical point, but now, I really felt them. Well, except for the family part. One thing we learned is, if you want to be able to sleep easy at night, then you loved your family and treated them right, so that they would do the same.
I poked the mirror, reworking it slightly. I improved the range, and observed Auric with a smile. Then, I closed the window. "Well, master Auric. A very good night to you. Now..." I frowned in determination. "Let's see where you're at, Merchant." The mirror spun out, refocusing on several random quadrants of the multiverse. I was going to find him with a simple strafe search- not enough for him to know that he'd been found, but enough so that I could catch him.
It was then that a free-floating plane wandered into my line of sight. I frowned. A free floating plane was never good news. For those who don't understand the basics of the multiverse, a free-floating plane is what happens when a bunch of like-minded people across universes want something to happen. A couple have occurred naturally- the Faery plane, Heaven and Hell, Valhalla- all of them are free-floating. But then you also have the morons who create The Lost Keys and Socks dimension, which just empties excess cargo into The Void. And the plane that I prefer to know as Drug Hallucinations.
Regardless, this plane felt like it promised pain and misery and general self-loathing. However, it did threaten to encroach on this reality if left unchecked. I quickly scribbled a note down and left it. Then, with a deep breath, I walked through the mirror, into this new plane.
As soon as I got out, I noticed the fog that swept over everything like a blanket. "Nice weather you have here in..." I noticed that there was a sign. I read it. "...in SIlent Hill." What kind of a name for a mysterious, eldritch location is that? Regardless, it didn't hold much fear for me. I walked in, bold as you like, to confront whatever horror had decided to drive his personal plane here.
????
Not everyday you see someone walk in your plane of existence. As soon as there was a disturbance, she send me out to see who or what had entered Silent Hill. What I saw, however, was one of the most ridiculous things I had ever seen. A wizard is what he looked like, big pointy hat, black robes, reminded me of Big Hat Logan.
Regardless, she gave strict orders, confront the one who invaded. She was protecting me, no one has ever invaded Silent Hill before, so whoever this was, was a strong magic user. ...But now that I’m actually looking at him… I’m starting to have my doubts that this guy is the one who invaded and not some poor sap who was sucked into Limbo…
Xante
I absently strolled through, noting that this place was steadily changing its appearance. I checked the soil beneath my feet. Black, and kind of flaky. Also, was it getting slightly hotter?“Volcanic ash. Hm.” I pondered this. The very environment was changing itself. Either this entire plane was alive or…
“Oh, that’s genius. This entire plane is configuring itself to my fears. Very cute. Neat little trick you’ve going on here, enough to impress somebody who doesn’t know any magic. I’m mildly interested, but that’s it.” I cracked my knuckles.“Alright, come on out, wherever you are.” I doubted that my challenge would actually do anything, but whatever else had happened, it was better than anything I would have done.
Maybe whoever was here didn’t like swearing. I cleared my throat and pulled out the nastiest swearword in the eldritch tongue I knew.
“Z̞̺̹͕͚̭̿ͦ̆̅̓̒̀ͅa͖͎͉ͫͥͬ̚ͅͅ-̮̪̣̲̄ͭ̀ͫ̐̄́c̷̝r̼̘͉͚̜͌͐a̵c̵̤͓̣̰̰̎͐̇̆ͯ̓h̫̻͔̰ͦ̽ó͗̊n̲̺̰̎̽ͯ̆â̭̗͖̜̘̜̣k͚̰̤̱̾͗̈̎t͓̖̬̮̮͇̣̔̿͜o̶̰̭̞͕͉̭ͦͯ!̜̀ͦ̑̋ͩ” If something didn’t respond to a swearword so racist and sexist that merely saying it could cause a seizure in the listener, I didn’t know what would. I’d only learned the word so that I could get rid of annoying spirits, and use it in the presence of the merchant. The word had so many intricaties it couldn’t really be translated into mere English, but it meant something like ‘nigger spic yellow whore incestuous pussy-shit fucking cunt.’ And that was the mildest it got.
F̴͚̘a̢̲̺̟̪̬ ̯̣̲D͇͈̼͈̞̝̳͞u̙̫͖͎̹͔̬m̱̠̠̘ͅͅ ̧̖̞̼̪̦̩A̟L͚͍͚͍̼ͅT̰̰͖̹͘R͍̭͕̠͘Y̮̗͇͇̥I̤̟̩̙̦C͔̹Ḫ̶̭͚!̻̤͍ͅ
I clapped appreciatively. “That was nasty! K̡̙̯̱ḁ̳͎͝ͅl̸̪̱͍-͚͎̩̺͎e̯̪̬̱͇͔̻h̰̙͈̱̙k̘o̘d̘̥̟̮r̫o̯͖̳͇͘n̵̝o!̡̟͔͉͎ͅ” I had just uttered the ultimate insult to one’s mother that could reasonably be produced by an undead tongue.
S͚̣̫̫̳͖̪̟h̝͕e̶̱̥̲̯l̜͝ ̛̜̤̰͎̺̤̦̺̕M̴͍̼̹è̲̼͉̳̭̬ų̹̗͔͜ ͏̴̤̞͖͕ͅT̢̨̮ͅw̷͖̩̣̹̟͙̠e̷̜̗̱͎̲ͅ ͎̭̠͡G̷͖̣͈u̧͖̞̜̳͔̪̖̙͡.͓͇͟.̲͉̮̘͙͎͍͓̟̀.͓̥̕ Why was I here?
I put my hands on my hips. “Why am I here? H͕̣̰͔͞e̟̰w̥̘̙̳̟͔͖e̺̱̰͔̻͟r҉̫̫͖t̩ ͏͍̫̮N͓o̞s͖̹͚k̸̲̻ol̶͈͔ș̷̰͉k̦i̘̮̜̣͉̥͙ '̶̬̻̬̪̫̪͕X̭̙͉̘̟̠͖́a̧̱͔͓̖n̗̞̰̝͎̘țͅe̮ ̣̫̣B͝i̫̞̖̺̱̦f͈̩̼r͈̺̹͈͈̞͠o̗̬̣̯̝̹s̪̜̫̥̙͔t͠'̹̩̮̝ ̠̫͎̭͠d̦͍̬̪͎ḁ̼̟͉t̢͈̘͙r̩̮̠͓̜̣̝q̠̤͘u̳̜͕̣̻͚͔͡a̻.̳̀ ̫͎̖̯X̪̠͖͞an̹̰g̯̥̗̖t̰͖̳͇̀o̧͙͕͙̯̤̺p̳ ̺̰̪v҉ọ͖̪̩̫͍͈͞r͕̦͚͈t̷͙̯͙̥ỵ̶̺͔-͇͕̮̱͢ͅwh͓͚͖̤̘̀ͅyx̼̫̱y̴̬͙̦͚̹” q͎͟.
” I am Xante the Bifrost, and I would like to speak with the gods about my fate.
“The Gods are… occupied… But you are unwelcomed here… Xante...”
I frowned. “Is that so? If that’s the case, I want to speak with you personally, cut a deal sort of thing. You get me into whatever thing the gods are doing, and I won’t destroy most of this dimension. Okay? Because I will. I have… experienced repentance, and I would like to conduct a civil conversation with the gods. If that’s quite alright with you.” I felt a phantom pressure on my shoulders suddenly… I whipped around and I saw this… thing , staring back at me… I think? It didn’t help that it had a big pyramid for a head!
How annoying. I simply pointed a hand at it. “Prismatic Spray.” Rule 3 of being a successful villain: always shoot first. The resulting rainbow of colour hit this man’s centre, staggering him slightly. “No, I only make deals with the organ grinder.”
“Hahahahaha…. You seem to have… misjudged me… after all… Isn’t this yours?” He picked up my… arm… I quickly looked down at my shoulder and sure enough, my arm was gone.
I frowned. Rainbow light burst up around the wound, pulling my arm back into my grasp. “Thank god you didn’t tear the silk. Would have been bad otherwise. Epic level spell: Bifrost Bolt.” Rule 4 of being a successful villain: if the first hit doesn’t work, hit them with one of your most powerful spells- in this case, a lump of rainbow ice travelling at the speed of sound.
The resulting explosion was enough to knock it back. I quickly strolled away, opening my keener senses. As soon as it tried to get in close, I quickly slipped and gripped its huge arm. Frost spread from my hand, promising him severe frostbite if I didn’t let up. “You care about this one, right? Well, talk to me face to face and your monkey gets to keep his arm.” The sound of an air-raid siren suddenly burst from the sky causing Metal Head to tense. He quickly pulled me off of him and as I turned I saw him… bowing?
His blade was sunken in the ground and he was kneeling towards the church building.
“How delightful that you have acquiesced to my request.” I felt the presence in the church as much as Metal Head evidently did. With a thought, I started charging up power. Rule 1 of dealing with gods: always operate in terms of pure strength. The church hall doors suddenly burst open, but yet no one was in sight. Slowly I opted to look around, but the sound of thin metal twangs caught my attention.
I saw a hospital being carried out by loads of barbed wire and being brought out to the square where Metal Head and me stood. As the bed came into closer proximity, I began smelling the scent of burnt flesh.“Well, hello there. You know who I am, otherwise you wouldn’t have sent your brute to take care of matters. Nice little scheme you’ve got going on here, though.” I jerked a thumb at him. “He’s the ‘face’ of the operation, the ‘bouncer.’ He deals with the problems you can’t be bothered with, while you, the ‘manager’ can swan off in Hawaii.”
“You dare mock my Mistress?!”
“Daddy… that’s enough…”
I looked between the burnt woman on the bed and the huge, hulking monstrosity. “Thank you for your input, mr Metal Head, but I was talking to the lady.” I turned to her and spoke in a gentle tone.“You know why I could be here. I just want to talk to the gods for a bit regarding my unfortunate fate. And I do apologise for endangering him. I didn’t know you had that sort of relationship.”
“...As he has informed you, the Gods are occupied. As for why I sent him after you, is because that is his job if you will. Not only is he the King of Fear and Terror, but he also my Protector, and my father as well…”
I smiled. “Well, the gods can’t be that occupied. Tell them that the Bifrost is here, and he wants to parley.” I directed a chilling look towards Metal Head. “And another thing, I hate to do this, but if you don’t, then I shall use Rainbow Requiem on him.”
“...Do you honestly think that any sort of magic can harm him? Regardless of who you are, Silent Hill will make your greatest fears come into a reality, and the best part is that you can’t run away from them! Not only is he the medium between here and Equestria, but he is also the Judge, Jury, and Executioner!”
I snorted. “I call the bluff. Epic Level Spell: Rainbow Requiem.” The beam of rainbow light lit up over Metal Head, and after a second… it fired.
The explosion of rainbow light tore through the ground, barely avoiding us. Metal Head screamed in agony as its energies tore through him. When the light show was over, black blood poured from his wounds, and he actually seemed shocked. “I’d say this is your big fear, the one all children face. Their protector, being destroyed. Rainbow Requiem is a spell that I invented that is fueled by hope. Your move. But it’s already checkmate.”
Metal Head suddenly burst out laughing. “HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! You honestly think that affected me!? My wounds are all fake, SILENT HILL IS MAKING SURE YOU WILL SUFFER!! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!” He suddenly vanished in the fog.
I shrugged. “Works for me. By the by, I meant what I said about it being checkmate. Epic Level Spell: Rainbow Guard.” My shield sprang up around me, protecting me from his sword swing.“Rainbow Requiem leaves a trace on all those it ever hits. I know precisely where you are, Metal Head. And I don’t fear you if I know where you are. And you look kind of funny.” I burst out laughing at the sight of him. I couldn’t help it! Big metal head, large sword… he was comical if you saw him in the right light.
He chuckled again, the fog seemed to bury him and it quickly dispersed. “You are not the only one who has spells of his own…” He threw out his fist and made a large circle with it. At first I sensed nothing until I saw him readying his blade from the distance he was at.
Naturally, I ran away. Whatever he’d done, he was pretty confident if he thought he could tear through my shield, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that when your opponent acts confident or says something like that, you head for the hills. Silent HIll. Heh. I started laughing again. SIlent Hill was a hilarious name! It sounded like a retirement home.
A pain suddenly burst in my chest and I looked to see his blade sticking out of my chest. I looked back at him who was still in the same spot only… half of his blade was missing.
“Can’t go through it, go through the master instead.”
“Neat trick, teleporting your blade into me. However, you HAVE torn my robe, which is annoying. Spidersilk is very hard to repair, I’ll send you the bill.” I absently fingered the wound. Huh, fairly clean, I’ll have an easy time healing this wound. He suddenly pulled down on his blade splitting me down the middle. ...I stand corrected on that last statement. I frowned at him. “Now you’re just being an ass. It’ll take me about a minute to heal from this, you know.” He laughed again… Ya’know I’m really starting to hate that laugh.
“No, you are a Lich. The only way to beat a Lich, is to dismember it, one piece by piece and make sure that on in never in the spot.”
I frowned. “Evidently you have never heard of healing spells. Speaking of…” I pulled myself back together again, only the torn bits of robe indicating that I’d ever been injured. His little temporal trick was pretty neat I’ll give him that, but my robe… That was too far. “Epic Level Spell: Rainbow Requiem.” Metal Head looked up, but no column of light appeared.
I grinned. “Can’t go through it, go through the master instead.” I always enjoyed that. “Rainbow Requiem strikes everything I deem ‘enemy’ within a one mile radius. Even if incorpreal. I think you should go to her, she isn’t as… durable as you are.”
“Then you must really underestimate the power of Alessa…” He suddenly made another portal within himself and Rainbow Requiem went off outside of his chest… Damn, he’s a clever little monkey.
“Good move.” I then clicked my fingers. “Oh no, the fear is making me suicidal.” I deadpanned. I clicked my fingers as blue circles manifested. “Epic Level Suicide Spell: Ymir.” The gigantic lump of ice that appeared overhead was large enough to blanket most of this dimension.
“Hmm…”
“Your move.” I sat down and waited.
“Yes… my move indeed…”An ultimate fire burst into the sky… and I couldn’t believe my eyes… The fire was melting the ice… In all my days…
...I’d never seen somebody take the bait like that. “That’s impressive. But what about the second?” With that, Ymir’s second half appeared, smashing the first lump of still melting ice downwards. I grinned as the behemoth approached at an increasing speed.
“Bye bye, Babylon.”
“As I have said before you have underestimated my darling Alessa… Her fire is strong enough to make Hell look enjoyable. And if you think your spell will have an affect on her, you have bargained more than what you can handle.”
I smiled. “I will admit, you’re not seeing the problem. Where’s the water going?” Droplets of boiling water dripped from the gigantic ice mountain. With that, I clicked my fingers once again.“The pathways have been cleared, I have caused a goddess to focus, and I finally have enough Bifrost magic built up to unleash the most powerful Bifrost spell. Epic Level Suicide Spell: Bifrost Ymir.” With that, I was spent. But the gigantic lump of rainbow ice, easily double the size of the previous one, crashing through the heavens was incredible. The fire licked it, but Bifrost Ymir was tempered of unmelting ice, that the gods themselves used as roads.
“You’re insane…” He clicked his fingers and everything went white. The fog… it’s teleporting capabilities… No… fucking… way… The fog gathered around the entirety of the dimension and whisked away so that I was only left in The Void…
With a Bifrost Ymir over my head… perfect.
I waved cheekily. “Thanks for nothing! By the by, ice is pretty reflective, eh?” With that, runes appeared on the surface as I cancelled the second half of the spell. More power flowed through me, and as it was about to hit, I stepped back to my Equestria.
As soon as I’d entered and encountered, the goal had been escape. Acting up, even when I was told that the gods were busy was merely me trying to force an exit. I’d never thought that I would need to use Bifrost Ymir, but it was worth it all to escape.
As soon as I was back from a harrowing adventure, I walked upstairs and greeted Twilight. “Afternoon.”
Pyramid Head
“King of Fear and Terror? I had no idea you thought that highly of me…”
“Please, that was for intimidations sake… Although that Lich was different…”
“Is he one of them?”
“Yes, Father… he is… He doesn’t know it, but he is part of the Circle of Draks…”
It was then that I heard something on my helmet. “Good mythical morning to you, miss Alessa! You’re probably wondering how I’m doing this. Well, I’ve been buffing his helmet with magic, enough for a portal spell to come through. Pretty smart of me, eh?” I laughed out long and hearty. Smartest thing that fool has ever done. Rainbow Nipples… I’ll never figure that one out though.
“He doesn’t know at all does he?” Alessa said he charred form disappearing. I shook my head and laughed again.
Yep, I could tell we would get along like fire and ice.
“Well, darn it. By the by… don’t mess with my portal spell. Quite volatile, that. Plus, it was a rush job. I was hoping to get in close, and just when you were going to get me, I would have touched your helmet and disappeared. But seriously, don’t mess with it. It’s primed to tear your head into the Void if you do.”
“Then my mistress will make me a new one. It’s how it has worked for over a thousand some-odd years.”
I clicked my fingers again, my left hand every time, and suddenly I was a human again. Xante reacted strangely to that, I think, judging from the clatter in the background.
“How did you do that?”
“What, turn back human… When I’m in states of Solace and Affinity, I turn human… at least that how I was told.”“By who?!”
“Alessa… why?”
He sighed and rubbed his temples. “Well, mr, I had hoped to find… a certain being. I don’t often fight gods, but when I do, I pull out all the stops. I’m searching for a Denizen of the Void, a shady character I think of as The Merchant. You’re likely one of his victims. Did you ever buy anything from a rather shady merchant that would send you to Silent HIll? If so, then you’ve met him.”
I stared at the ground for some time before I perked up my head. Come to think about it… “Yeah, I know A merchant. He gave me this ring, on me finger…”
“Ah. Well, toodles. My portal is getting a bit unstable.” With that, he disappeared from sight and mind. Hmmm… Maybe I should invite him over for crabcakes…
Nah.
Author's Note
Well, this was a blast to write. A crossover with A thousand tortured Souls scream my name.
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
As soon as it was light, I jumped out of bed and paced around while distractedly flinging off my night-garments and placing them neatly on the corner of my bed. After that little escapade in Silent Hill, all I'd really done was talk to Twilight about the nature of the multiverse and banning her from touching the mirror unless I was there to supervise. Then, I'd talked to her friends, and we'd agreed to go for a friendly, light lunch in the Everfree. My mind had been a bit distracted while all the planning for this event had been going on and now I could really marshall my thoughts and assess what had happened. The past day, I'd barely managed to escape from another dimension, evaded a goddess and her crony, and then mocked them from a safe distance. I had achieved a lot of crazy things that day. Pushing a goddess to their very limits, forcing them to banish me from that plane, was a pretty damn good achievement.
And I hated how weak I'd become.
Don't get me wrong, I was still very powerful, but that little adventure had taught me one thing: I was seriously off my game. Time was when I could challenge the gods themselves to a fair fight, and oftentimes I'd won fair and square. I'd so desperately hoped to gain entrance to whatever the gods were doing that was more important than the Bifrost that I'd barely noticed how badly my skills had deteriorated. I was at about fifty percent of my full skill level.
My power hadn't deteriorated, that wasn't really what I meant. What I meant was that my reaction time, my speed, and my control had rusted away to the level of a novice. I was going to need to reteach myself how to fight and use magic as properly as it should be. My reserves had barely rusted away, so that was going to be easy- in fact, I might as well make them even stronger than they were in my heyday as... as the Bifrost.
I was the Bifrost, formerly. But I had changed as a man. That much was certain. My life experiences had changed me from a rather naïve guy to a more confident, stronger person. I would never willingly slip back into my Bifrost persona.
"What's the matter with you, Xante? In my heyday, that Metalhead guy would have been a minor nuisance, not some insurmountable obstacle that made it practically impossible to escape!" I berated myself. It was the very height of arrogance to assume that after a thousand years, my skills in magic and fighting hadn't rusted away through sheer lack of use. Still, I had plans for that. Starting today, I was going to get some much needed practise in, whet my skills of magic and combat to their previous edge and then confront the gods about my fate. But first, time for some healthy yoga.
Just because I was undead didn't mean that I shouldn't keep my body in the best shape it could possibly be. I stripped down to my underwear and started warming up. Then, I began my little routine, stretching my muscles and limbering up. I'd done this routine for over a thousand years, even in my prison cell I'd found the space to do it, though I'd nearly burned myself a couple of times doing so. Even if it was only a picnic, these 'Elements of Harmony,' as they were described, had gotten into some crazy adventures by the sounds of things.
"Um... what are you doing?" Without turning my head, I pulled my leg behind my head. "Good morning to you, good drake." "This is yoga. It helps me focus as well as gets me limber for the day's challenges. After this, it's meditation and then I'll be up." "You don't do this if you haven't spent a fair time doing yoga. Maybe I could teach you a bit of yoga. It's great. I taught a class once." "Though I will admit, that was an experience that I would rather forget."
I shuddered briefly before repressing the memory once again. Spike just looked at me. "Anyway, breakfast in five, so be there or miss it.""Works for me."
Breakfast was consumed without comment.I was eager to start my personal practise, without other people getting in the way. Then, we simply walked. I fingered my clothes as we walked. Auric had done a good job, but I was going to need some genuine-
Whomp.
For the second time in two days, I felt something small, fast and above all hard smash into me. As I fell down, Twilight's mouth opened, I reflected on how rusty my reflexes had gotten. Or maybe it was that I wasn't really expecting anything to crash into me. Or repeat what had happened in another dimension. Seriously, if this is going to happen on EVERY VISIT, I swear to whatever god still favours me that I have a merciful death.
"Sorry, miss Twi! We didn't mean ta' hit him!" Ah, that would be the one known as Applebloom, or something. I risked a look upwards. Hardwearing denims, red shirt, yep, normal. "Twilight, it's alright. Kids will be kids." I pushed myself up, dusting off my robes."However..." The air got slightly colder. As one, they shivered. "Don't crash into me again, okay? Or I'll tell your parents."
I shrugged into a more defensive position. "What?" Twilight sighed."I can assure you, Twilight, that the only thing I hate more in the world than the one who sent me here is people making children cry. There are some boundaries that should not be crossed unless under the most dire of circumstances." That was why some of the more... unscrupulous members of the family had utilised spells that relied on happy children to power them. Your typical hero would only actually make a child unhappy if there was no other recourse- I will admit, I often used that ploy. It makes sense when you're dealing with bleeding heart heroes like that.
The picnic passed without event. We talked, on both what had happened to them prior to my meeting them, as well as Twilight and I explaining what had just happened. In general, it was your normal picnic, though I deeply missed eating meat. Then again, when in Tascar, do as the Tascarans do, I always say- even though I disagreed with eating hay. It was what happened afterwards that was really interesting. As we were packing up, I felt a familiar tug. I winced, then turned to Twilight. "Right, something big's pulling me over to their side. I'll probably be back son, mkay?" "Oh, no, it's not Auric, though there are similarities. I'm meeting with gods from my world. I should be back; they wouldn't kill me just yet." The magical energy built up around me, indicating a Phaseshift. Never liked travelling that way, to be honest. Always made me feel as if I was being torn apart by wild wolves."...not a very nice person. I'll explain later."
And with that, I was pulled out of space, and into the Void Eternal. I blinked a bit, still disorientated, then focused on the table in front of me. So, it seems as if the gods have finally gotten off their lazy asses and gotten around to talking to me. It was about damn time.
Sitting there, in a form that my formerly living eyes could see and comprehend, were five of the gods of Ranreia. There was, of course, Thrin, the Thunder Clap. He glared at me, with eyes that crackled with lightning. Sparks fizzled through his mighty beard as we looked at each other. He was the first to break the silence."Though I dislike the title, it belongs to me, Thrin... the Pantied." DARE -"
"Hold your tongue, Thrin. Since you were the one to use that term, I do believe he is justified in mentioning one of your... unfortunate lapses in judgment, hmm?" The wily, oily voice of the Charmspeaker wormed its way through my head. His snake-like features looked so damn punchable, that I would gladly unleash that were I not summoned here. Instead, I greeted him in a friendly way. And by friendly, I meant in a thinly veiled insult that would probably be repaid in full later."Hello to you, Charmspeaker. How's the family?"
"Oh, would you just get this over with? I want to get back to sleep.""Framlio, I'm sorry to disturb you from your rest."
Thrin glared at me. "Regardless, we are here to talk about your fate, Bifrost.""You know something? My fate is unfair. I'm trying to make up for it, and, well, I guess that I can't really. But I swear, I will never willingly turn back to my Bifrost persona." "With all due respect, Thrin: go fuck yourself. Not even to change my fate would I revert to my Bifrost persona. So get stuffed, you violent asshole."
Thrin turned purple with rage and tried to attack, but I nimbly dodged. Charmspeaker and Framlio looked at each other, and made a decision. Charmspeaker was the first to speak. "I have to say, Xante, you passed.""...I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
I waved at him. "I will send you a fruitbasket. A nice one, with all your favourites~!"
"Twilight, I feel fucking fantastic today!" "Free! Free! Gloriously free!"
...where it turned back into leaves. Its myriad leaves lay there in the soil despondently. I picked them up, lip wobbling. Twilight gave me a weirded out face, while furiously wiping her mouth from my slightly sticky undead residue. Eh, whatever. She'll be fine."Twilight, my cloak kin of fell apart while at Auric's, so... could I bug your friend Rarity for a replacement?"
Author's Note
Sorry for the long wait between updates~
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
I looked at Rarity, askance. "What on Earth do you mean, you don't carry spidersilk?" I wanted my spidersilk robes back on. When my clothing had started to fall apart, Twilight had kindly (more like desperately) threw me some clothing. Applejack had also complied, on the grounds that I wouldn't like 'wearing frou-frou clothes like Rarity's.' Rarity had offered, rather generously on her behalf, to repair my robes free of charge, and even make me an additional set in case they got busted again. I have to say, I appreciated her generosity. Thus it was that I was now wearing a pair of thick denim overalls with a purple shirt with a heart on it. (Apparently, it was fashionable. I'd rather gouge my eyes out. Again. Long story there.)
Rarity frowned back, red glasses in place. I liked that, showing concern for her eyes in case they ever failed her. "I told you, spidersilk isn't exactly easy to acquire in such large quantities. The most spidersilk that I readily carry would probably make a thong."
Really? Well, make do with what fortune and life give you, I guess... though I have to wonder how that would be. I briefly contemplated just running around in a thong. It would certainly be breezy, but I could live with that. Rarity must have guessed at my intentions, because she blushed so brightly I swear it lit up the other side of the room. "C-certainly not! I'm not making you a t-t-thong just to run around in! You're positively indecent!"
That got a cackle out of me, and a slap to the face from her. That caused me to glare at her, and she glared right back at me, staring right into my glowing eye-sockets. What was going on here was a battle of wits between me and her. "Listen, Rarity. I've run around in far less, I can assure you. Why, when I was learning magic, I was required to strip down to my undergarments and run around in the snow and ice in the high mountains of Drunsbury! Though that experience often nearly killed me, it garnered me an appreciation for the raw, elemental power of ice! And if I want to run around wearing only a spidersilk thong because that's all you have, then so be it!" I ended my dramatic little speech by posing in a badass way, hands on hips and one leg heightened by a convenient stool.
We glared at each other. Rarity summed up her argument in such a way that even I, a stickler for arguments, couldn't find a flaw: "While I... admire your dedication to the thong idea... but I cannot help but feel that, somehow, a thong isn't what you want, is it Xante? That's a last resort if ever I heard one."
"Don't elaborate don't elaborate don't elaborate..." I silently muttered under my breath. Rarity obviously noticed my muttering and decided to sink the knife in even further and smirked. Now I began to appreciate who the most cunning of the Elements of Harmony was. Were she back home with my grandmother watching, I would likely be forced to marry her. Not that I had anything against her and her nice body... good tone to it... bah.
"You seem upset. Is that because you won't have your incredibly gaudy set of clothing?"
I looked up, a beaten man. Only a fool tries to control an argument with an irate woman, but since I had clearly proved myself a fool many, many times over I tried to continue stubbornly. "Dear, sweet miss Rarity, I beseech you don't go on. I know when I'm beaten. Please, give me this final dignity of admitting when I'm defeated. I don't want more humiliation piled on me! Oh, what is the world coming to, when Xante the Lich is bested in verbal swordplay by a seamstress?"
Of course Rarity ignored me, in favour of looking over my crudely sketched designs. They may or may not have been drawn with crude explosions in the background and a couple of dog sketches. I like dogs; they remind me of heroes, and heroes are dumb but loyal. "Surely you didn't want this... robe?" She blanched, looking over the details. "You don't want a rainbow-coloured robe, with custom silk cape designed to come off easily?"
I hmphed, crossing my arms and pouting. First she has no spidersilk, and now I have to explain my desire for an easily tearable cloak? Oh, the world was coming to nothing but bad things. "First of all, I want a cape because capes look awesome billowing around you in the wind. But at the same time, I want practicality. My brother was killed when his cape got caught in a door when he was escaping an exploding temple. He got better of course; our family always bounces back from inconsequential things like death. Secondly, I have to say that I have always had a cape on me, ever since I was a wee boy. My family LOVES capes. Even though they're impractical unless specifically designed to be easily tearable."
I finished my little monologue to find that Rarity was staring at me like I had just started gibbering. Which, given the context of the situation, I may as well have been. "Er, yes, quite. Although, I have to ask... do you own any other clothes? Apart from the..." she looked at my current ensemble, blanched and tried to come up with a suitable term for my clothes. Finally, she settled on "hand-me downs?" with a hugely strained smile on her face.
I looked down to see that yes, my tacky hand-me downs were still on. The only other articles of clothing I possessed that weren't hand-me downs were my underpants and my hat. All a lich needs, though I did have to keep an eye on my underpants. Sometimes, they just came off on their own. "No. That's why I want this patched up, and two new robes to be made as well." "Tell you what: I have an idea." "No no no no, no, no, no. No. I'e got it." "Nope, I don't see any problems with that plan at all. Find spiders, punch them, acquire spidersilk, profit. No problemo~" I finished my little explanation of how utterly simple and perfect my plan was with a thumbs up and a wide grin.
If I was going to be a hero, I was going to be the dumbest one possible. After all, it's pretty much accepted fact and my own observation: heroes are dumb as hell. Bit like dogs really, except that they randomly attack dragons and powerful sorcerors because of loot or, more rarely, actual morals. Eh, whatever helps them wank I guess.
And so it was thus that I made my way outside, wearing my tacky hand-me downs, heading towards the Everfree forest with the simple, honest intention of punching spiders in the face. Though I did have to think about more... sustainable sources of spidersilk. I rubbed my chin, then another brilliant idea popped into my mind. I was going to ask my two valets on whether or not they could provide spidersilk. They were bugs, spiders were bugs, therefore there had to be a spidersilk power hiding within them somewhere.
Later...
Greg sighed, hauling a plough along while the Apple family watched him carefully. After the recent Changeling attack, they weren't trusting any changelings. However, with Xante's insistence that he was trustworthy, Greg had been allowed to work, though of course he barely received any money. Nevertheless, it was still money, enough to live on, barely. "No, we do not produce spidersilk from our butts."
Xante glared at him, hands on his hips. "What do you mean, you don't produce spidersilk from your butt? You're insects, aren't you? And spiders are technically only a classier kind of insect. So make with the spidersilk already. Or... hang on." Greg watched in disbelief as Xante knuckled his face while he thought about it. "If you do produce silk... which you totally do, by the way," he glared at Greg, who just sighed at the likely stupid argument going through his head, "I think it would be called Changeling silk. But on the other hand, since it would be similar in composition to spidersilk, it should just be called spidersilk. Or would it just be called-"
Greg finally decided to stop his stupid thoughts before they started to make sense. He dropped the plough and seized Xante by the bony shoulders. "For the last time, Xante, changelings do NOT produce silk from their butts! Why would you think that beyond 'we look like bugs?' You're a complete moron."
Xante looked into his eyes with his glowing rainbow coloured eyes. "I knew that; I was just trolling you there mate." He sighed, then another idea came to mind. "I have an idea for you, me and Xyleon to get on with. Let me take you to a place of dreams and magic." With that, he gripped Greg around the neck, got him in a headlock and dragged the changeling off to the restaurant that Xyleon was working in.
As soon as he approached, he teleported in, leaving Greg standing there in shock. All Greg could really do was watch and hear the snippets of conversation coming out of the window:
"...sir... out of... NOT THE NIPPLES!"
"Ah hahahahaha! Look at them! LOOK AT THEM!"
"Technically... assault... my eyes...!"
"Nothing bad to see here.... it's dangerous... take this... do you shoot silk from wrists...?"
"No... please... stop trying to... that hurts... that's burning! It's... irreplaceable... paying for... NO NIPPLES!"
The window was then smashed, and a much battered and practically dead Xante came running out, Xyleon dragged behind him, still in his cook's clothing. He nodded amicably at Greg. "Gentlemen, we are going into the Everfree Forest to punch spiders in the face. It'll be totally awesome."
Greg and Xyleon shared a look. It was the kind of look two employees share when they see their boss about to do something really, really stupid, like climbing up to the highest floor while wearing a curtain tied around his neck like a super hero, announcing that he has discovered the secret to flight. Greg was the first to try and dissuade Xante from his made course of action. "Um, mr Xante, sir? That's a stupid idea. Like, really, really dumb. Super dumb. The very dumbest." He disliked saying all of that, but it was important to say.
Xante looked at Greg as if he'd just been told that the sky was green. He cocked his head to one side. "I'm not understanding what you're talking about. It is the perfect plan: I go in, with you two backing me up, I punch spiders in the face while looking suitably amazing and sexy, you help me carry back all the spidersilk I will need for my robes, and I honestly can't see a downside to this. So please, enlighten me as to how this plan is really dumb. There's no visible flaw, but there might be one that my cunning and fabulous eyes haven't seen."
Greg quickly thought of a plan that would allow them to stall for time. He quickly rubbed the back of his head and grinned sheepishly. It didn't work with his fangs, but it conveyed the general sense of an anxious lackey. "Uh, well, couldn't you just tame the spiders and get them to spin all that silk for you? It would be less hassle then punching them in the face."
Xante mulled that over, tapping his chin with a bony finger. Eventually, he presented his counter-argument: "I get the point you're making. But you have to admit, taming giant spiders to do my bidding, while admittedly kick-ass in its own right, is just not as awesome as going in there and beating the everloving shit out of them with your bare hands and feet. It's only the right and badassful way of doing things."
Greg hastened to reassure the insanely powerful old lich that was their new boss. "Oh, of course you would have to punch some spiders, just not all of them. It would help with intimidation, wouldn't you think?" He started sweating bullets as Xante started considering all of this. Finally, Xante seemed to reach a decision.
"Excellent, my loyal minion. Now, I want you to go alert Twilight Sparkle that I am going into the forest and will be gone for some time. And I'll be going with you, and yes, I do have the tracking spell placed on me, she'll know where I am at all times." He sat down and pulled out a mysterious black oblong, which he tapped the front surface of a couple of times. He then looked up, mild annoyance plain on his face. "Get to it, Greg and Xyleon."
Hastily, the two Changeling drones complied, rushing to inform Twilight Sparkle that Xante was off, possibly to do something exceedingly stupid.
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
Silk Road, part 1: the beginning
While Greg and Xyleon went off, I decided to just sit back and relax. So I just leant back, and looked up at the sky. Nice to get away from the troubles of the world, even for a little while. The clear blue sky brought a curious sensation of inner peace, as if I was destined to just sit out here and just bask in the majesty of nature. My minions wouldn't be back for a while, so it was time for my fun. What can I say, I'm a very relaxed kind of guy. Why am I always relaxed? Well, that's mainly because I'm a planeswalker. Planeswalkers have literally seen, if not everything, then enough of everything that they have some pretty solid ground to fall back on when the unexpected happens to them. And I've seen a lot of weird shit in the multiverse.
Planswalkers are exceptionally powerful magic users, so good that the entirety of reality is their plaything. Normally, I could just walk to any other dimension and be done with it, but because the Merchant was eluding me and keeping me from telling any other higher up beings of his rather illegal doings, I was confined to only this specific subsection of the multiverse. This annoyed me greatly. Imagine if, right when you're given a plane ticket that would allow you to go anywhere, a zombie virus ensured that you would only ever be able to go to other parts of the country you were already in. That's exactly how annoying it was. Still, plenty of variety.
And thanks to my little Subspace Pocket, I would never run out of interesting toys to play with. Twilight Sparkle, for all that she was nice, should never be informed of my Pockets' existence. It was a part of me, a piece of my own soul that I hollowed out to allow for incredible storage capacity. It all depended on how much magical power you had. Most Planeswalkers had space for a large army. I could comfortably hold over ten thousand people, provided they all slept on bunkbeds. Most of my Pocket was filled with interesting trinkets I'd acquired around the multiverse- things like phones, rare and interesting plants, schematics, weapons... my inventory kept on. Most of it was sentimental junk, such as my Groucho Marx mustache and glasses combo. I once wore that disguise to one of my mortal enemies' birthday parties. He didn't even recognise me. I was honestly insulted by that- the man who had declared that he would 'cleanse the world of me and my vile influence' honestly didn't believe me, even though I hadn't changed anything else about my appearance. Later that night I shanked him in the arse with an icicle, and then made all the evidence point to it being a fetish of his that went ludicrously wrong. What can I say, sometimes business is business, sometimes it's not. Yet more proof in my mind that heroes are stupid.
Knowing that I would likely get chewed out if I pulled out too much technology, so I pulled out my iPhone. While I checked it, I noticed that I'd gotten voice mail. I scowled. "Damn telemarketers. Siri, delete all voicemail." Even in another universe, they still try to get me, with their annoying 'on hold' music and their annoying insistence that I buy whatever their product or service is. One time, I got a bunch of creepy dark cultists at my door, who wanted me to help them destroy the world and kill everybody. Let's just say I sent them to a place where death would be a kindness...
Meanwhile, in an alternate universe... wrongness of this place. His ceremonial headpiece, made of the skulls of his enemies, jangled in the eerie wind. He came to a decision, one that would finally enable them to be released from this torment. It might be seen as the cowards' way out, but at this point he was willing to be remembered as a coward. Anything to escape.And with that, it sang the song to destroy the minds of great men. The younger cultists looked at their glorious leader's eyes, tears freely streaming from them. "What do we do, High Priest?"
Back at Xante's current placement.
I chuckled at that memory. Barney dimension was always a good wheeze. Sometimes I dropped heroes there for shits and giggles. Their screams of torture and horror always made for good listening. I paused. Distinctly unheroic thoughts there. I was a good guy, not a hero. A hero can be the most annoying, whiny, arrogant, self-entitled asshole you'll ever meet, while a villain can be polite, humble, respectful, all-around nicest person you'd ever meet. It all depended on the individual, but as a whole heroes were annoyingly self-righteous.
I did respect Auric though, guy was wicked powerful. And smart. He was the exception that proved the rule that all heroes are fucking morons. No other hero really had his kind of smarts, and no other true hero had his streak of ruthlessness. He didn't let any legal bullshit get in the way of what he knew was right, and I respected that. I felt a brief pang of guilt over not seeing him more often, but he would call on me if the situation was bad enough. Right now, I had my own problems, which were that I had nothing suitable to go out in public with.
Whatever it was, probably not important. I shrugged and promptly forgot about it. I spent the next five minutes playing Fruit Ninja, idly listening to the general commotion coming from Ponyville. It was probably related to me, but maybe it wasn't. For all I know, it could be an eagle attack or something. Do eagles attack? I'm fairly certain that they do; eagles have a notorious track record for killing philosophers. It's something about their heads; philosopher fatalities are caused, more often then not, by eagles dropping tortoises on their heads.
I paused at that. It seems that I was briefly Contemplating my Navel. Huh. I contemplated it a bit more before standing up and waiting.
Xyleon and Greg.
Xyleon and Greg looked at each other before nodding. As one, they knocked on the door to the Golden Oaks library. Twilight Sparkle opened the door, took one look at their faces and sighed. "Right. What's Xante doing, and how dangerous is it?" She knuckled her forehead as she said this, and Greg and Xyleon shared another Look with each other. Greg was the first to speak, in an attempt to explain the situation.
"In our defence, we did try to persuade him-"
Twilight cut him off there. "What. Did. He. Do?" Her tone was pleasant enough, only her twitching eye giving any hint as to her real emotional state at this point. Greg just stared at her, before rubbing his eye with a chitinous, holey hand. It didn't really help with the sheer awkwardness situation, but it did give him enough courage to say what he needed to say.
"Right." He took a breath, let it out and took another one, bouncing on his hooves. "Alright. He's going into the Everfree Forest to punch giant spiders in the face for their silk." Greg grinned awkwardly at Twilight while one of his legs, unsure as to what exactly it was doing, started scooting around the floor like a rabid mouse.
Twilight Sparkle blinked at that, her brain trying and failing to process the information that had been relayed to her. "I'm sorry, but would you mind repeating that? It's just that you said something so patently stupid that I'm having trouble telling if you're joking or not."
Xyleon shook his head. "It's the truth; he wants new clothes, he wants them made out of spidersilk, and the only large source of spidersilk that comes to his mind is giant spiders. Still, I get the feeling that he's acting like an idiot deliberately. For all we know, he's probably found them already." Though it was equally likely that he was just climbing trees and had likely already forgotten why he was originally there.
Twilight nodded. "Sorry that I can't come, but I'm, well, kind of busy." She gave them a weak smile, but her eyes told another story. They told of Xante's bizarre habits, such as rigging up traps all over his room (she wasn't even sure where he'd gotten high-power explosives, but the fireworks shop was notorious for an over the counter approach.) Other habits of his being to always switch drinks while her back was turned (often while saying something like 'what in the world is that over there?' ), drinking large amounts of poisonous chemicals (his excuse being 'I need to keep my Poison Resistance up' ,) his Naked Yoga Time... it was all too much for one mare to deal with. Right now, she just needed some Twilight Time alone, with a nice, thick book and NO Xante.
Greg and Xyleon caught all that information from a glance and nodded. Despite their wishes for there to be extra firepower on their side, dealing with Xante for any length of time tended to cause people's nerves to grate horribly. As one changeling, they sprinted for the door, intent on finding Xante. Who knows what he'd managed to get up to while they were gone?
Xante the Fabulous Rainbow Magician.
I heard pounding hoofbeats coming up close. I ignored them in favour of staring at the huge spider that was sitting on the rock opposite me. It couldn't leave, due to the icy walls I had erected around it. I locked eyes with it, my piercing rainbow coloured orbs staring intently into its large red ones."Reveal your secrets, spider."
"Sir, we told Twilight that... uh..." Greg looked at me, then to my captive, then back to me. "Sir, that's a spider."
I nodded. "I see that you are just as well-versed in identifying arachnids as you are in farmwork, Greg. Five stars for accuracy."
Greg nodded, still looking at me as if he couldn't get why I was doing this. His loss, not my fault he was Genre Blind. "Yes, but... why have you captured a spider?"
I looked at him. Honestly, this was why I was the leader, not him. "I'm interrogating this spider to get information."
Greg facepalmed. "Sir. Sir, look at yourself. You are interrogating a spider for gods' sake."
I nodded. "Ah, but that's the point."
Greg just stared at me as if he couldn't get why I was doing this. "Alright." He sat down on a tree stump, pointing at the spider with an accusatory finger. "Alright. Enlighten me as to how you expect a spider to tell you where giant spiders are."
I nodded, leaning back on my large rock. "Exceedingly simple, my sceptical minion. First of all, you will likely never have read the Harry Potter novels. Quite a good light read actually, Prime bathroom material. Anyways, spiders know each other. Stands to reason."
Greg just shook his head, getting up and walking away. "Nope. No way is that your only justification."
I smiled. "Alright, here's my second justification: this is obviously a Lost Woods kind of place, right? And As You Know , animals in a Lost Woods kind of place are often capable of understanding people speak. Just one of those things."
I looked at the spider. "Now tell me where your big friends are. Do you know? One click of your mandibles for yes, two for no."
Greg just stared in disbelief as the spider clicked its mandibles together once. "What... but..." he shook his head. "That was just a coincidence."
I smirked. "Was that a coincidence? One click for no, two for yes, three if you think Greg is being a butt."
Three clicks. Greg turned an interesting shade of purple and kicked a nearby tree. Xyleon put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry; I don't believe him either."
I ignored my minions, focusing on the spider. "Could you give me some vague directions? If not, then point me to a guide or similar."
The spider seemed to consider the matter for a moment, then pointed off to the north. I bowed to the spider and released it from its icy prison. "Thank you, noble spider." It scuttled off to who knows where. I watched it go with a smile on my face.
Greg finally came over. "What was that about?"
I smirked. "Oh, you know. I'm setting up a possible Chekov's Gun , to be used later if we really need it."
Greg looked confused. "Chekov's gun? What on Earth does that even mean?"
I smiled. "I'll explain later, my loyal minion. Now, let us move."
With that, we trooped off into the dense forest, and it swallowed us, cutting us off from the outside world.
Author's Note
You can add 'Troper' to Xante's list of titles.
Also, he's staying out of the War. Guess what his voicemail was. Go on, just guess.
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The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
Silk Road, part 2: In desperate need of quenching
We made a very strange party of beings, me leading the forces clad only in my underwear and hat, with my minions backing me up. Xyleon's chef outfit was now smeared with dirt and leaf juice, from long periods of trooping through the dense underbrush. Greg's hard-wearing overalls barely noticed the various stains. And thus we kept walking, in search of giant spiders to punch in the face for their silk. This plan of mine was brilliant, and now I was glad that I had a Subspace Pocket, as now the facts of biology caught up to the changelings, who suddenly remembered that they hadn't eaten for a considerable length of time. I looked at the sun to try and guess the time. Huh, looks about noon now, probably time to stop.
"Alright you sons of mothers, stop complaining, we're going to stop for a bit and have a rest." With that, and a bit of Subspace Pocketing, I decided to mess with them a bit. I reached my hand behind my back, opened my Pocket, gripped a folding chair and brought it out from behind me. The looks on their faces made me laugh so hard, I coughed up my lungs. Literally. That really happened. While I pulled my lungs back into me, Greg and Xyleon glanced between them, as if disbelieving in the chair that I had just pulled out of what looked like (to them) absolutely nothing.
Greg was the first one to speak, watching me with a cautious eye as I pulled out two more chairs. "Um, sir?" When I paused and focused my glowing eyes on him, he got a bit bolder. "Would you mind telling me exactly how the hell you did that?" Xyleon nodded, the more taciturn and quiet changeling nonetheless amazed by my Subspace Pocket. Then again, I'm amazed by myself and my amazing subspace pocket. Only makes sense that people who haven't even heard of the concept would regard it as some sort of amazing, supernatural feat.
I spread my arms wide and sat down on my chair with a leisurely sigh. "Ask and you shall receive, my loyal minions! Now, sit down, I've got a decent bit of ground to cover."
Greg and Xyleon sat down and I explained. "You see, I'm a very powerful magic user, a sorceror. You know this well, I'm capable of trashing pretty much everybody here. That means that I can do things that are normally impossible. Basically, I have a personal dimension that I keep all my stuff in. And before you ask, no, I do not keep clothing in there. Only hats, various foodstuffs and liquors, various doodads and memories." I leant forwards, and pulled out a pair of flagons. I handed them to my loyal minions and continued talking. "Here. This is some high quality water. Or juice. I... think it's juice? I have its quality assured to me by a young man with a ponytail. He describe it as the very essence of thirst-quenching. It's so quenching, in fact, that it may well be the quenchiest thing I have ever drunk."
I smiled as I remembered that young man. Him and some other kids had been travelling through a desert when they'd encountered my passed out drunken state. After talking with them a bit, and making sure that they weren't screaming at the mere sight of me, he handed me several flagons worth of this stuff and bid me on my way. Also I rode a flying bison, no biggie.
"Very friendly guy, if you ask me. Had a boomerang and a nice sense of humour. We spent that trip in the desert swapping crazy tales about our life. I went to his funeral, it was very nice and formal. Still, he at least managed to sell me several barrels worth of that cactus juice stuff before that happened, so there is that. Now, what was his name again?" I leant on my palm and started to ponder. Meanwhile, Greg and Xyleon had hastily finished their flagons. Xyleon smacked his lips thoughtfully,
Greg nodded. "Yeah, can't quite place the taste of it though." He smacked his lips thoughtfully, then turned to me. "What exactly was that? It's not going to kill us, is it?"
I snorted. Then again, I hadn't exactly told them what it was that they were drinking, so they would naturally be confused. "It's cactus juice, you two. The quenchiest drink in existence." And with that, I got up, minions following me. "Well, the moment has passed, back to work."
My minions got up, and Greg looked around him with a rather stupid glazed look on his face. "Hey Xante. Have you ever noticed how... colourful the forest is today? I hadn't noticed it until just now." He smiled even wider and started stroking a tree trunk. "The trees are speaking to me right now."
I facepalmed as I remembered. "Oh yeah, that stuff'll give you a wicked-nasty high. Don't worry too much, it'll wear off in about a days' time. How're you, Xyleon?" I turned to my other minion, who turned around with whiplash inducing speeds. "Don't look at me, I haven't done anything! I haven't been sneaking wine for my own personal supply or anything!" He giggled a bit, then turned back around and pulled out a hip flask from his white trousers. He took a swig before looking at me. "This is water. Totally not stolen wine."
Well, that seemed legit. I was about to rebuke him for that when it suddenly kicked in. I was sober. At that, I decided to rectify the situation a tiny bit. With a flourish, a bottle of vodka appeared in my hand, and I took a healthy swig. That done, I turned to my minions, now drugged out of their minds. "Minions, we should probably get moving. Those spiders won't punch themselves in the face, you know." With that, my hilariously drugged-up minions cheered. And with that, we were on the road again.
==-----Golden Oaks' Library-----==
Twilight Sparkle paced up and down, fretting. "Okay, okay, it's all good. He should be fine. If he isn't back when he says he'll be back, then the tracking spell will allow me to find him and get him out of whatever mess he's managed to get himself into." Besides, Greg and Xyleon should be capable of keeping his excesses in control."
Beside her, Spike crossed his arms. "Geez, Twi, I thought you wanted to get away from him for a while? You know, because he's generally..." the words totally insane briefly crossed his mind before he dismissed them in favour of, "eccentric, right?"
Twilight nodded at an incredibly high speed. "That's the thing! Whenever I try to relax, I always imagine he's doing something utterly, UTTERLY stupid." She sighed, and slumped down on a chair. "At least those two changelings should be able to keep him in line."
==-----Back in the Everfree Forest-----==
"GO BOSS!" Greg cheered me on as I stared down the gigantic rock-crocodile thing that had just emerged from the river. Beside him, Xyleon was draped over a log and rubbing himself on it like a cat. He even purred a little bit. Man, those drugs were awesome. I had plenty of embarassing photos of them to show them later. I kept my eye contact with the gigantic rock-crocodile. "Have you heard of Rule 1, you bag of rocks in the shape of a crocodile?"
Not my best insult, I will admit, but I currently had three bottles of vodka sloshing agreeably inside me, so my higher insulting processes weren't at their best. Poison generally didn't bother me unless it was specifically tailored to harm undead beings, so I had to drink a LOT of alcohol before I felt properly sloshed. Three bottles of vodka was generally enough for me to feel a little bit tipsy and sap at my situational awareness.
Anyway, the crocodile evidently hadn't, as it started snapping its jaws at me like an uncouth mobster. I waved a finger at it. "Rule one is: never mess with a lich unless you want to go on a one-way trip into the painy season." I posed dramatically.
"That's the first Rule of Nature for you, son! Now fight me like a man, you sissy!" "Ice Grip!" With a casual flick, I sent the giant crocodile into the air, and simply let gravity do the rest of the work on turning this crocodile into a novelty pair of shoes and a handbag. I know that it's technically wrong, but if it's in self-defense and food, then it's alright.
I turned to my changeling minions, who had watched the entire thirty-second battle with the rapt attention of the most baked beings on the planet. Greg cheered me on, while Xyleon, after a brief moment, decided to rub his face on the ground. I sighed. "Xyleon, in all my very long life I have only learned to cook scorpion, and that was in order to appease a dark demon in a quite literal Deal With The Devil. And then I used the opportunity to kill said demon by poisoning the scorpion meat." I snorted. Demons could be remarkably stupid for supposedly 'all-seeing, all-knowing' beings.
After Greg managed to stagger up and look at the challenge, he looked at me. "Well, go on."
I looked at him. "Excuse me?"
Xyleon almost fell over, but righted himself. "Go on, do your magic Subspace Pocket thingy and give me a knife. Preferably several knives, it's going to be a right hassle cutting this thing up."
I grumbled, before reaching in and pulling out a katana. "There's a long and interesting story associated with that katana, if you're interested; which you're probably not."
Xyleon gripped the blade fairly inexpertly and took a swing. I rolled my eyes. "No, you hold it like so, and so. Now, take a swing." He did so, and he cut straight through the rocky hide of the giant crocodile creature with an appropriate squelching sound. I made a suitably appreciative noise and sat down, continuing with my story. "So, there I was, in the port of Zabren- it's a pirate city, very fun place on certain dates, especially when the pirate wenches are there. Oh, but you have to wrap your willy or you could catch something. Actually, I nearly caught several interesting venereal diseases, like my brother. He's got them all, he does. Healing magic and the occasional pact with the forces of darkness keep him from spreading those diseases." I leant against Greg, who currently thought he was a chair or something similar. "I'll tell you what, Bards have to put up with some shit at Epic Level. You know, where I'm from, there's only, like, a thousand people in a population of about two billion who are Epic Level. It's hard to achieve guys."
I continued on with my story, pulling out my vodka bottle again. "You see, you have to gain a lot of power really quickly. Get it in your prime. Then, you have to do a certain ritual- one that tests your strength, speed, mind, everything about you. Only those with strong souls and bodies can even survive it. And the test is different for each and every person and their profession. After that, if you succeed, then you have become Epic-Level. You see, people where I'm from have a 'levelling-system,' which measures your experience. You gain it either by long years of experience, or just killing loads and loads of monsters and people." I chuckled darkly, before taking a pull of vodka. "Guess how I got my Epic-Level status. Lots of grave-robbing and fights with heroes. But it was worth it, you bet your boots it was. Epic-Level people can do crazy things, on the level of the gods. I knew a thief, once, who could steal cities. Literally. He'd walk through a major population centre, and the next day the entire town would be physically gone. It was crazy."
Greg looked at me groggily. "I don't think that was part of your original story at all, actually."
I blinked; he was right, I'd gotten off track. "Thank you, my loyal minion. You can have my portions of this fine late lunch thing. Crocodile. Rockodile. Whatever it is, I don't really care." I paused. "Where was I?"
"You were at Zabren, or whatever it was called." Greg called over his shoulder as he carved lumps of giant crocodile meat. I gave him a thumbs up at that.
"Right, Zabren. So, I was in Zabren, and I was looking to score some fine pirate booty, if you know what I mean, when all of a sudden this samurai-looking pirate comes crashing into me. Now, he stank of rice wine, so I knew that he was an appreciator of the finer pleasures of alcohol. So anyways, I was about to leave and go slaying the fine red dragon that all women have with my trusty sword when he decides to get all up in my face with his drunkenness and general horrible body odour."
I shuddered as I recalled his leering face. "So he makes a big stink about me hitting him. I go 'no way, you bumped into me first.' But he was all- I made a stupid face, tongue sticking out and eyes crossed "'oh, I'm going to cut you for that, with this cursed sword possessed by a demon that was given to me by my murdered parents who were killed right in front of me and now I'm so edgy ooh' and that got on my nerves. So, after I faux-apologised and bought him another drink, I got him to play cards with me. He cheated, by the way. I still won his 'demon-possessed katana' though, so there is that. It's not actually possessed," I added as Xyleon dropped it like it was a snake with rabies, "I think he made that up in order to feel better about himself and his horrible body odour."
I smiled, then turned to Xyleon. "Is that cooking yet, or do you need fire for that?"
Author's Note
I am actually alive, you know.
It's just that I have recently discovered the joys and horrors of Team Fortress 2.
If you see a guy with Ssendam the Masked as his name, that's probably me. Or a Spy that is pretending to be me.
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
Silk Road, part 3: A Sticky Situation
“You know something, minions?” I remarked happily from my position, suspended on the ceiling of a giant spider lair. Below me, my minions were being wrapped in quite a lot of spider-silk and were understandably enraged by this careless error.
After much walking, the drugs in their system finally started wearing off, and they were naturally upset over the fact that I had carelessly drugged them. I was able to appease them by offering them some hazard pay that I would probably be unable to pay until I got back to my evil lair in Ranreia. The thing was probably filled with adventurers and giant spiders right now, uggh. The thought of giant spiders wandering around in my home and eating the adventurers that I wanted to kill had led to me charging off into the undergrowth with my minions following me.
We had then entered a clearing covered in more white, sticky stuff than a Twinkie-fuckers’ convention. Naturally, I saw this as the jackpot, the sticky white gold at the end of the rainbow. So I ordered my minions to gather up as much of the silk as they could conceivably carry and pile it in front of me, while I summoned my lawn chair and lay back on it, drinking a cold beer. I eventually decided that this was me being an asshat, and I got off and started helping them while giving them chairs of their own.
This was the point where the spiders attacked. I fought one of them off, careful not to damage the merchandise that would spin me sticky white gold. Unfortunately, most of my repetoire is designed to work on humans and humanoids, so not much luck in getting spider-orgasm. Eventually, we were just overwhelmed, though I had no intention of damaging the merchandise too much. How was I to know there were so many giant spiders? Well, this called for me to pin the blame on somebody other than myself. “I blame the spiders for this, because they’re not listening to my generous offers to not punch them in the face.”
Greg snarled, trying to work himself free from the sticky bonds. “Well, get yourself out of there! Aren’t you some super-powerful sorceror who can break out of anything when you put your mind to it?”
I glared down at his prone form. “Young changeling, I’m a sorceror, not a magician. A magician is a stage performer who pretends to be magical like some sort of pussy. I am genuinely magical. I did not complete an escapology course like you think I did. Even if I had done, it wouldn’t be any use.” I wriggled a bit in my confines to indicate how boned I was. “There’s no hidden knife in here with me, and even if there was, I wouldn’t have any space to move it around.” With a sigh, I relaxed a bit. “All I can say is, sometimes you have to let what is, be. You know who said that?”
Greg probably didn’t know, but he glared up at me and sighed angrily. “Alright, who said that? Another one of your mysterious interdimensional friends?”
I looked at him with a weirded out expression. “What? No, that was somebody on 4chan, often regarded as an alternate circle of hell. Particularly /b/; do not go there if you value your sanity. Tis a place filled with goatse and goats. Besides,” I lowered my voice a bit so that the spiders didn’t overhear, “I can’t do magic anyway with my hands tied behind my back. Plus, my staff is on the ground over there. I can do magic without it, but would I really want to? It’s all a matter of style and class, my shiny black friends.”
Xyleon looked up, currently only partially swaddled in silk. “So, oh great sorceror Xante, do you have any strange and interesting tales to tell us of your boasting accomplishments?”
I knew he was buttering my ego like a fat turkey. Didn’t mean I wasn’t going to shamelessly talk about the most interesting thing ever- my own fabulousness. “Sure thing, my loyal and possibly flatulent minions! I shall tell you the tale of my becoming a monk.” I was about to go into more detail, but then remembered a formality of the situation. “Oh, and cue the weird flashback music and the wobblyness that generally precedes such.”
I reminisced to my faithful minions. “I was but a young lad, who had already achieved prodigious success as a sorceror. My magical talents and my naturally sharp mind allowed me to breeze past just about every single one of my magical tests with minimal study or effort. Wizards hated me, and I hated warlocks, as was normal for just about anybody.” I sighed, remembering the annual Kick a Warlock in the Fork Day. That was always a fun time. Wizards and sorcerors would find every warlock they could find, line them up and then kick them in the fork. People on Earth call that bullying; I call that natural selection.
“Anyway, I had decided that just studying magic was not challenging enough for me. So, like the arrogant little shit I was, I decided to go on a life-changing field trip. Of course, my Ice-magic teachers were hugely upset to see me go.” Actually, they’d cheered and let me go, but that was hardly the point of a story told about me. “And thus I travelled across the continent in search of a master who would be willing to teach me his mystic secrets for an agreeable price. Eventually, I found a master, living in a sacred temple.” More like an inn really, but was anybody complaining? The Mystic Dragon was the best pub in the area. It was right next to the red-light district, the beer was good and cheap, the food was your typical Oriental stuff and there was lots of it- perfect for the young, elegable bachelor.
“There was a beautiful maiden who guided me into the temple.” Actually she was a rather surly and irritable barmaid who had a bit of a mustache, was flat as a board while somehow being fat and had only let me in when I’d handed her a couple of gold coins. They didn’t need to know that, so spellbound they were by my amazing story. “And thus I was prepared for the temple, body, mind and soul, in a spiritual bath filled with mystic salts and perfumes.” She’d given me a bath, during which she scrubbed my armpits so raw that they could have qualified for sushi and then threw several handfuls of bathsalts and some generic herbs in.
I smiled, remembering the relaxing scent of the bath and the sheer relaxation I’d had. “And they I was subjected to her delicate massage.” I’d tried, in a moment of hormone-induced stupidity, to grope that which wasn’t there. She retaliated by beating me up with a warhammer that had spontaneously appeared behind her back. I swear, warhammers appear out of nowhere just about anywhere in the multiverse, especially those creepy as hell ‘anime’ universes. The eyes… the eyes.
I remembered that I had a faithful audience out there who were getting swathed in spidersilk. “Anyway, after I was initiated like thus, I met Grand Master Long Wang.” Ah, Grand Master Wang. He had a room above the inn, and it doubled as an impromptu training dojo. The man himself was rather large, and due to his long life spent fighting, he was covered in scars and callouses. He had callouses on his callouses. He was rather ugly, with a large head and a rather disproportionately skinny body. This plus the veins made him live up to his name very well.
Greg choked a little while Xyleon spluttered like a dying car. “I’m sorry, but Long Wang? Really? You’re not making this up or anything? Because if you are, it’s in really poor taste.”
I nodded. “Yes, Long Wang. Why is that whenever I tell this story to somebody, they always get up in arms about his name? It’s a perfectly acceptable name for anybody to have.” I harumphed. I knew what the joke was, and I’d laughed about it in private. But Grand Master Long Wang had demonstrated that he could kick a man so hard that he could explode. No. Really. I saw him kick the guy who had come in before me, he turned red and started screaming, and boom, the room was covered in bits of that unfortunate man. Of course, Mr Long Wang was completely clean, somehow.
It was then that I realised that I was a bit off-topic. I coughed, then returned to the story. “Anyway, after this long time, I was accepted into the temple, and was purged of my worldly desires.” I’d divested myself of my desires for fame and fortune by placing a large bag of money in front of Grand Master Long Wang and jingling it suggestively. He’d wasted no time before stuffing the bag into his robe and then telling me to show him what I knew. I immediately failed at a jump kick. He’d sighed at that, muttered about how ‘training you is more trouble than it’s worth,’ before demonstrating, in no simple terms, how to actually fight.
“I progressed in leaps and bounds, and became learned in ancient and wise texts, purifying body and soul.” Actually, there were just loads and loads of dirty books in the lavatory. I spent many a meditation session consulting the tomes on Dirty Dragonkin Does it Dirt Cheap. “And thus I learned the ancient and mystical art of pushing pressure points and chakra flow.” I half-closed my eyes. “The end.”
Greg and Xyleon looked between themselves, as if confused about my magnificence. Finally, Greg hesitantly spoke up. “Um… that was a terrible story.”
I glared at him. “No, it wasn’t. It was an amazing story and you are an unappreciative minion. I told children that story, and they liked it.”
While I was talking, I strained, and a tiny piece of ice materialised in front of my face. I smiled at that and started flicking through various universes. I chuckled at a few universes, gave sombre contemplation of others. Eventually, I found a likely candidate- a cat-girl, fighting what looked like Chrysalis. I cleared my throat, and made my plea. "Hello there. Need some help in here, because I really don’t want to cut myself out."
And with that, the cat-girl appeared with a sneeze. Weirdest way of crossing The Void I have ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of ways.
“Hello there miss. Now, this is important. I need you to look up. That would be good.”
“Hey, what about us?” Xyleon yelled, struggling with his bonds. Serves him right for not appreciating my story.
I simply shrugged at Xyleon. “Don’t worry, you’ll get free soon. As your employer, it is my right to get freed first.”
“He’s right ya know?” She shrugged and pulled Excalibur out of no where in particular and tossed it up to me, the blade embedding within the ceiling.”There, unless you can’t use your hands? If so would you try a tune? That’ll give me something to work with.”
I smirked, my eyes briefly lowing brighter. “Well, I’m rather tied up at the moment, so I don’t think that’ll work. A tune eh? Well, I got one that I think will work…” With a twitch, the unmistakable sound of Sad Violin started playing . I grinned wider. “I think that should be a good tune to start with.”
The cat-girl grinned, “Great,” and closed her eyes. A Lyre appeared in her hands and I strummed strummed gracefully. I felt the divine magic going through the music, and watched as the spidersilk surrounding me turned into leaves. I fell down and made a graceful landing, my hat, gloves and underpants still in place.
I stretched out, skinny body making various popping and cracking sounds. Then, I walked up to the little catgirl and stuck out a hand for her to shake. “Thanks for the help. Name’s Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, Fabulous Rainbow Magician, the Walking Ice Age, Lord of the Dance, Three Times Winner of Best Smile in the Land, Former Mayor of Sycamore Town, Current Mayor of Lavender Town, Former Professor of Defense against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts, the Richest man in Metropolis, Grand Master of Ecky Thump, the Epic Level Lich, Sorceror/Monk Multiclass, Most Fabulous Undead in all the realm, The D, Leader of Gamergate, Elf-Murderer, Master of Face Punch, Big Sexy, Troper, Friend to Children, Current Mayor of the Necropolis, The Bifrost, and Maker of the Best Ever Cheese Sandwich!”
Essence paused, clearly bewildered by my long list of titles, but she took my hand anyway and hesitantly shook it. “Um… Mine’s no where near that long with titles, I’m Essence, divine weapon wielder, the, ugh, bubble lady, the madness incarnate, destroyer of tyranny, and The Musician. Though the tyranny thing stopped after Celestia imprisoned me in stone for like 1,500 hundred years.”
I nodded. “I’ve been seeing a lot of people get that same length of time. BUT ANYWAYS!” With a flick of my hand, rainbow-coloured energy blasted out, neatly removing the spidersilk from my two minions. They stood up, grumbling as I continued. “I can see that meeting you was fortuitous. The narrative continues to flow correctly for me. And probably for you as well, who knows.” Obviously, I had somehow become a hero, and thus reality was going to bend over backwards for me. I love being Genre Savvy.
“Ya, the whole imprisonment thing sucks aside from the whole it happening twice and all. Did you know that Celestia and Twilight can turn a simple scan spell into a time travel one? They sent me back over ten thousand years!”
I winced. “Eesh. Tough break.” The sound of scittering, clattering steps from far off caused me to turn around with a wide grin on his face. So, the spiders had returned, eh? “It seems that we are about to encounter giant spiders! This is pretty good. Fortune is with me once again! Come, my ally, we shall need to beat on these spiders mercilessly. I may need to break out my Ecky Thump skills.”
“So, spiders like Aragog and Shelob? Sounds fun! Know any divine weapons that you wanna try out?”
I shook my head. “I’m pretty powerful in my own right. I wanna beat them up so that I can get a constant supply of spidersilk, not kill them.” As he spoke, rainbow-coloured magic started seeping off of me, and the ground beneath me got a thin layer of frost. I grinned at Essence, more power leaking off of me. “Besides, I much prefer using stupid weapons rather than practical ones.”
It was then that the first of the spiders came around the corner.
“No weapons? Alright!” She held up her hands, and snapped her fingers as a spider fell from above. In less than a second the spider was trapped in a bubble. “How’s that work?”
I shrugged, though I was highly interested in the bubble spell she had just demonstrated. One to learn, perhaps? “Most impressive little bubble.” Another spider came, and I just walked up to it, pulling something long, black and oblong from within my Pocket. This was going to be humiliating.“ECKY THUMP!” And with a downwards motion, I brought the giant arachnid down. I smirked, pocketing the object. Ecky Thump was just one of those things which I really liked using. Beside me, Greg and Xyleon were punching a giant spider in the face repeatedly. I nodded at them. There would be a pay raise in it for them later.
Essence snickered, “That’s funny.” She then smashed the bubble down on another spider, knocking it unconscious.
I nodded. “I wasn’t lying about being an Ecky Thump grand Master, you know. I’m a Planeswalker; reality is literally my plaything.” Another spider came, and I distractedly levitated it into the ceiling. Really good spell, levitation. “I picked up a rather eclectic blend of martial arts- mainly judo and pressure point stuff. Good to not just rely on magic, you know?”
“I get it, I know something while it isn’t too hard to do, it is very funny.” Turning to face a spider behind me she leaned down, closed her eyes and sneezed. The spider flew away, into the gnarled tree that was standing just at the mouth of the cave. She then turned to me. “See?”
I nodded appreciatively. “Super sneezing. Never would have picked that one. Knew a kid who could sneeze like that. Man, those were the days, sneaking around with Sock guy and his friends, conning people and eating those fireflake things. Really good, you can’t get them anywhere else.” Man, could those guys party. And gamble. Life was awesome with that lot around. I belted another spider with my black pudding.
“I get what you mean there, I once knew a Zebra who could burp so hard and fast she flew all the way to the Crystal Empire,” Essence said.
I stopped for a moment. It was a rare moment when I was stumped, but that was definitely one of those times. “...that beats a lot of my stories. ” I looked around, then went over to the nearest spider. I slapped it, then glared at its eyes. “I need you to spin me as much spidersilk as you can, or you’re probably going to regret it. Got that?” The spider seemed to be considering, then nodded. I beamed. “Splendid!” I then turned to all the unconscious or otherwise incapacitated spiders lying around us. “That goes for all of you.” I briefly flared my power around, letting them know who I was exactly. Essence watched neutrally, while Greg and Xyleon backed up a bit, still clearly unused to my awesome power. The spiders, now clearly terrified, started quickly spinning spidersilk.
“Nice job,” she said looking around, “Mind if I hang around for a bit, it’s gotten boring in my universe.”
I nodded. “I was about to get a drink.” With that, I waved a hand while opening my Pocket, and my personal bar appeared. Greg and Xyleon exchanged a glance, then just shrugged.
“Honestly, Xante, do you carry EVERYTHING except clothes in that thing of yours?” Xyleon asked. I liked how he treated me as the goldmine of information I was.
So naturally I nodded. “Of course I do, Xyleon. Why else would I have a Subspace pocket if not to keep all my random stuff in here?” I went behind my personal bar, and started mixing for effect’s sake. “For todays efforts, I reward myself with a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. What about you, miss Essence?”
“I’ll try what you’re making, also, no need for the miss, it feels weird considering I was male before coming to Equestria.”
Huh. That was weird. I briefly paused in my mixing, but continued searching for my Eternal Glasses. Greg briefly stared at Essence for a moment, trying to imagine her as a man. After a few moments, he shook his head. “Xante, I think I need that Pan-Galactic whatever.”
I nodded. “Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters all round!” I pulled out four glasses, tapped them and coughed. “You heard me, glasses.”
These were modified Eternal Mugs, designed to always fill with whatever the master desired. They immediately filled with the Pan galactic Gargle Blaster, with an olive on a stick appearing soon after. Nice little touch that. “This is the best drink in the multiverse, I feel. It’s like having your brain being smashed out by a slice of lemon, wrapped around a large gold brick.” I passed the glasses around, and took a hearty swig. The feeling of having my brains smashed out was incredibly dulled by my lich body, but it was still amazing. “It’s about 130% proof, just a fair warning.”
She shrugged and sipped it. I hid a small smile as her eyes lit up at the unique taste of the drink. It tasted much like the sensation it produced, and with the addition of an aftertaste like sunlight. “Wow. This is great. Also I have an interesting question. If this multiverse has certain laws doesn’t that mean that there is more than one multiverse?”
I shrugged. I’d considered this a long time before, while I was in my prison. “If there is more than one multiverse, then I’m okay with that. The multiverse is a pretty big place and it’s not one I would just give up.” Beside me, Greg and Xyleon succumbed to the Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, slumping over and snoring.
“True enough. Man, can’t hold anything can they?” Essence said looking Greg and Xyleon. I took another look. Yeah, they were kind of lightweights.
I shrugged. “It takes a lot of alcohol to affect me because I’m a lich.”
Essence paused, then nodded. “Makes sense.”
I continued talking, grinning as I took another sip. “I know that you’re an immortal, as you’ve been drinking that stuff like a champ. First time mortals drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster usually end up like those two.” With an idle flip of a hand, they were on their sides so that they didn’t choke on their own vomit. I’m a caring employer like that.
She winked, “Got that right. Found it out the hard way though.”
I shrugged. “Immortality isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. I became a lich because I wanted to know what death felt like. Here’s a hint: it depends on the death.”
Essence winced, obvious remembering something from long ago. “I would have figured. Mine would have felt like being crushed by a mountain.” She sipped the Pan galactic Gargle Blaster. “Warning. Discord has issues with you beating him in a prank war.”
I paused. Many variables presented themselves, but right now, I needed to know what this Discord fellow was. Especially if he was so volatile. “Question. Who is Discord? I’m afraid that I haven’t met the gentleman.”
“Really? Lord of Chaos? Wait… What’s the most recent event?”
I looked at Essence strangely. She was likely from the future then. “Just got back from the Crystal Empire. I was there for over a thousand years.”
“So… You met Cadence and Twilight and the lot?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I was briefly… enslaved by Sombra. Little shit. I was going to fight him, had no idea of his capabilities. Beat me in my lowest power form, this which you just saw.” I had no inclination to show her my full might.
Essence nodded, squirreling her face a bit. “So, The Crystal Empire. Alright. When you go back try to get Twilight to convince Celestia that Discord can be reformed with kindness. Which by the way is not my idea. On my earth it was a TV series. Also, Twilight becomes an alicorn, and fights a half monkey and goat dude called Tirek. I think you’d have fun with Discord but Tirek will end up being a nuisance.”
I nodded. Good to know what was going to happen in the future to a certain extent. “Got it. Thanks for the tip.” I smiled widely. The spiders had made quite a lot of spidersilk, and I looked at it appreciatively. “Well, thanks for the help, but I’m going to have to get going with this spidersilk.”
“I’ve got an idea. Mind if I tag along?”
I shrugged. “Eh, why not. Also, you may have guessed it, but this Equestria is what you’d call ‘anthropomorphic. Just a heads-up.” With an idle wave, the silk levitated upwards. I then opened my Pocket and stored the selected silk within. I then stretched a hand out, while my minions levitated towards me. “Ready to go?”
Essence shrugged. “Sure. Wanna fly back or?”
I grinned widely. God, I love using this line. “Why fly…” “...when you can teleport?”
Essence laughed, pleased with my gratuitous teleportation. “Show off. Though I admit teleporting is fun.”
I nodded, picking up my T-shirt and overalls that were lying on the rock nearby and putting them on. “Right, let us move to fair Rarity’s boutique for my new, fabulous robes.”
“Of course. Fabulousness first,” Essence said, her tail flicking backwards.
I strode forwards, with the confidence of a thousand-year old lich. The ponies of Ponyville glanced at me, my companion, back to me. Then, they ignored me. I waved at those I recognised. I had such a reputation for oddness, everybody here had a Weirdness Censor regarding me.
“So, you said this one is anthropomorphic?”
I cocked my head and regarded her with mild amusement. “I assume that your eyes are functional, but yes, it is.”
Essence shrugged, cat ears twitching in the way that an amused cat’s do. “What? I like ridiculous questions. Anyway. Mine’s sort of a mix.”
As we arrived, I reached in front of me and opened my Pocket. The spidersilk came out in large reams and I grinned at Essence. “I’ll ask later, but I don’t think you’ll be very interested in the fitting of my robes anyway.”
“I’ll wait in the front of the boutique.”
That was okay with me. So I just walked in with my mass of spidersilk and grinned. “Rarity, I have the spidersilk, now let the robe-making commence!”
The alabaster mare looked at the spidersilk, my grin, then back. Then, she sighed. “Well, if you insist on getting the ugliest robe in existence, then it falls to me to ensure that it is the best robe it can be.”
I watched in considerable awe as spidersilk was removed in great reams, cut with unerring precision, dunked in various dyes in order to get that perfect colouration and then sewn together. This was truly the perfect outfit. As it continued, I noticed her humming a song. After a moment, I nodded sagely. A Hard Work Montage would allow her to complete my fabulous robes well ahead of schedule.
Music started playing as I swished around, showing the world what I had wrought. . Rather than the overalls and T-shirt I wore before, Iwore long, flowing robes, coloured with all the colours of the rainbow in eye-searingly bright shades. The shoes that poked out from beneath were pointy and golden in colour, with gold lining the cuffs and edges of the robe. A long, golden cape draped down my shoulders, billowing dramatically in the wind. Behind me, Rarity was covering her eyes, unable to look directly at me. “What do you think, Essence? Is this not the hippest of hip outfits?”
I grinned. “Indeed it is my colorful friend.” Looking down I realized my clothes were torn up. “Oh huh. Should probably get new clothes every so often…”
Rarity jumped up, “Oooh I’ve got the perfect-” Essence cut her off.
“Naw. I got this.” I watched in trepidation as she closed her eyes, and I felt the power leeching out of her. I stood my ground, feeling the magic around me twist and warp. I never really liked reality warpers. They had some very loose morals compared to those who prefer doing things the hard way.
I watched her battered and torn clothes turn into some strange armour that I couldn’t identify. She then grinned. “Being able to use my insanity to warp reality comes in handy.”
I backed up a bit, the smile still on my face but mind whirling. A reality Warper of that power was not to be messed with. My instincts screamed at me to get rid of her, and I’m very good about my instincts. “That is a pretty useful little power. Well, I think it is time you got going. Reality warpers and me don’t really mix that well. But we can meet up later, if you want to.”
“Sure thing. Here,” she tossed the ring on her trident to me. “If you ever need help just call me up. I’m available any time. And by the way I don’t fit the norm for reality warpers.”
I simply nodded, pocketing the ring. “Good to know. I just have a fair few bad experiences with them.”
“Ok. Here,” She tossed me a bracelet, seemingly made of rainbows. I could feel the power crackling off of it. “This’ll make you both immune to all of them, except my own, and give you some of the powers.”
I examined the bracelet for a few moments, every fibre of my being asking, no, begging me to take it. After that, I shook my head. I really didn’t like thing that seemed too good to be true and handed it back to her. “I prefer doing things the hard way. It’s a lot more fun.”
“Keep it just in case. It may help out with major disasters and such. Anyways,” I grinned, “I’ll get going.” Her eyes twinkled and she flicked her tail in my face before jumping into the air, shouting, “To Infinity and beyond!” and disappearing. I looked at where she’d been for a few seconds.
“Normal planeswalking. Never liked it.”
Author's Note
Just realised that I was a bit if a moron here.http://www.fimfiction.net/story/184782/the-essence-of-equestria Go check it out.
Also, I will be releasing a story that's a bit different in a hopefully short amount of time.
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
I walked back into my room, exchanged customary greetings with my room-mates/ parole officers. "Hey guys, guess who's back in town? It's me, that's who."
Twilight took one look at me and covered her eyes with her hand. "I... I don't even know where to start with you. Where were you? In the forest? You can't run off like that, Xante."
I shrugged, twirling around and letting the light catch my new robe rom all angles. "I don't care for your tribbling morals, Twilight. Just look at my ensemble right here! This is the stuff that kings would wear back in the day."
Twilight seemed close to vomiting. "Alright, alright. Fine. But don't go anywhere again without my say-so, alright?" She sighed and sat down. "Since you're on parole, and I've given you a LOT of freedom, I would like you to at least ask before you go running off again."
I gave her an even look. "Sure, I'll ask for your approval. But you have not made any comment on my amazing clothes yet."
"It looks like clown vomit," Spike called from the next room. Twilight was about to reprimand him for it, but she had a look at my clothes again and then changed her mind.
I harumphed and flopped on the couch. "Hmph! Some people have no taste in clothes whatsoever."
There was general chuckles all around. After that, I got up and stretched, enjoying the clicking of bones. "Well, hermanos, I have to go downstairs. As I am supposed to be."
Twilight looked at me with mild suspicion. "Right. Any particular reason why?"
I smiled genially. "Twilight please. Would I be doing anything illegal in your house?"
We stared at each other one another before she let out a small, "no," then standing up. "Well, I have to meet up with Pinkie Pie in a bit. Just stay here and try not to get... too weird."
Once I was downstairs, I quickly sealed the door off. Then, I got to work. I pulled out numerous scrolls of paper, film, human skin and foil. Holotablets were pulled out and scouted. Various artifacts fell out of my Pocket as I searched for the device. Eventually I found it.
200 kilograms of pure cocaine. I had stumbled across a universe where literally everything was made of cocaine. So naturally, I was an enterprising businessman and was simply shifting stuff from one universe to another.
I found a random Earth universe and sent a simulacrum. Thus, I could truthfully say that I was not, technically, 'doing anything illegal in the basement.' Plus, it would trip up the tracking spell that Twilight had on me. I've been tracked many a time, I know how to dodge that kind of stuff. Through interrogations and loud proclamations, I met a local drug dealer, extracted information from him and then went to the local crime lord.
Marcus stared at the willowy wisp of a man who continued to smile disarmingly. He hadn't introduced himself, except for his sales pitch and a random remark about not having much time. "So you say you have 200 kilograms of product to sell me, yes?"
The man nodded. "200, yes. And my price is very reasonable." He spoke in a very high voice, like somebody had shoved a flute in his throat. Marcus couldn't help but be slightly weirded out with how relaxed the man was- he was surrounded by men armed with submachine guns, yet all he did was smile and continue to do a little dance.
Marcus shifted position, maintaining as much eyecontact as was possible through the thick sunglasses. "You are asking me for 20 million US, for a product we cannot see."
The flowery man's grin got even wider. The hot summer air grew a little bit colder. "My friend, do you believe in magic?" Before Marcus could answer, the man reached behind him and pulled out a large packet of cocaine. Ignoring the shouts, he tossed the bag over. "You can test it if you like."
Cautious, suspecting a trick, Marcus nodded at the man closest to him, who cut the bag open, took a look inside, then nodded. "High quality stuff."
Marcus appraised the man before him again. "How did you do that?" He wasn't superstitious, not some Wiccan who believed in magic. But the man had been searched thoroughly before, and all that had been in his pockets were candy wrappers and lint.
The man grinned and sauntered backwards. "The rest is outside." He walked outside, into the hot Miami street. Marcus got up and followed him.
Outside, a massive crate stood there, unmarked except for the tiny rainbow in one corner. Marcus stared at it. When the hell did that get there?
From behind him, the mysterious man spoke. "My payment, mister Marcus. And don't sell any of this to kids." The stranger sounded a lot more serious, and there was an undertone in his words that sent shivers down his spine. Marcus turned, to meet a hand coming on his forehead. Everything went white.
The money was worthless to me at this point; I could steal whatever reagents I liked. The money was simply a way of keeping score. That money was deposited in my vault, just in case I needed it.
Next came weapons. Several large caches had to be shipped from my personal pocket into the hands of some warlords somewhere. I didn't really care. I wanted as little incriminating evidence on me as possible. The meeting with Essence had shaken me up considerably. Smuggling stuff through the Void was a difficult, dangerous, rarely profitable job but I had to do it.
I had one code: don't hurt kids. Teenagers I'm okay with, and adults are fair game. Still, I wasn't going to do anything further evil here. I dialled up a familiar number on my phone.
After a couple of moments I got an answer. The sound of feeble-glorps being resynched was in the background as a rough voice replied. "Yeah, who's calling me at this hour. This is -urrp- Rick Sanchez, how'd you get this number. This is an- this is an unlisted number, kind of hard to get, you uh, you know? Not appreciated, not cool."
I reclined back, switching the universe portal to Middle Earth, and pulled out a beer from my Subspace pocket. "What's up Rick? You got any parties on soon?
"Nah, I'm kind of- I'm kind of busy with my idiot grandson. You know m-Morty, right? The little guys who are at the fucking council of Ricks? Well, I-I-I got one, Xante, I got one." In front of me, Middle Earth was showing me the Battle of Gondor, where all combatants were using baguettes instead of swords. It was a fucking riot. "So what're you doing with yourself, you crazy old -urrp- lich you? Still being a lazy piece of shit?"
I frowned, then smiled. "Nope, I'm enjoying a new summer home over here. It's great. It's this place called Equestria, there's all these horses and stuff. It's great." Sometimes, even I get caught. So if I liked that universe, I would feign reforming, and I would do it well. I would never do a criminal act in that universe. Other universes? Fair game.
The squelching sounds briefly stopped. "Equestria? Well, I kind of can't ever go there because, like, there's this tree, and it's mm-made from crystal, Xante. And, it's got these other crystals on it, they're, like, super magic crystals or some shit. And, if you grind them up, it's, like, it's like -urrp- it's so fucking intense, the high you get from them. Buuuut, I kind of can't touch them because they're all like 'we need to save the world and shit,' and that really puts me in a mood. Also, they all think I'm, like, an evil and corrupting influence, which is a whole crock of shit."
I chuckled. "Yeah, I get what you're saying. Local justice around here is kind of shitty. Vigilante, I'd call it. Anyway, just wanted to call. Also, I'm going to need to offload a whole bunch of stuff on your ass. You got space? I know you got space."
Rick groaned on the other end. "Oh, fuck. What kind of stuff? Dead bodies? Atomic weapons? Anthrax? Creepy voodoo shit?" He briefly paused. "I only ask because you're, like, an evil, smart lich overlord. I don't know what kind of shit you need to offload on my pad. If it's toxic, put it in the landfill or something. Don't- don't want that near my daughter, you know."
I sat upright, watching as the Witch-King was taken out by a baguette wielded by a woman. Eowyn, I think it was, or something similar. "I met a reality warper today, and I kind of need to get as much illegally smuggled stuff out of my pocket as possible."
There was a brief laugh on the other side. "W-wait, Xante, the fucking guy who conquered ten universes and is part of a family that conquers universes, is scared of a reality warper.That's, like, pot calling kettle black, except that's stupid. This whole conversation has me using metaphors. That's how dumb this is. Any dumber and this'll make me retarded or some shit."
I scowled. "Laugh it up Rick, can I dump it or not? And don't come here, it's cramped in this basement and I haven't really silenced this room."
He briefly paused, before letting out a sigh. "Sure, sure, come on over. Make my garage a mess. Dump your shit there." There was a click as he hung up. I shook myself and rubbed my hands in glee.
I got up, flicked the mirror a bit, and entered the co-ordinates. Rick's garage was a bit of an interesting place. I casually walked through the garage door, briefly blinking a bit as my eyes readjusted. Rick was working on something over on the bench, while a teenager looked at me oddly. "Hey, uh, Rick? Do you, uh, know this guy? He's kind of all... rainbows and stuff."
Rick glanced at me then did a double-take. "Fucking hell, Xante, did a clown vomit on you or something?"
I frowned and crossed my arms. "Yeah yeah, you're very original. Where can I put my stuff?"
He grunted. "Put it over there, with the rest of my crap."
I walked over, concentrated, and the rest of my smuggled goods came out of my pockets like spaghetti in certain universes. Morty seemed rather confused as to how I did this, but then seemed to shrug it off. "Okay, that- that wasn't the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life or anything. Not at all."
I grinned. "Sounds like you have an interesting life, Morty. Anyway, gotta fly. Got a parole I've got to be getting back to." I was about to leave when he asked me a question I really didn't want to answer.
"Wait, parole? Are-are-are you a ciminal or something?"
I looked him directly in the eyes. "I'm a pretty big criminal, but currently in the place I', living I'm not. I just got out of prison, I'm lying low, and I had a rather unfortunate encounter with a ridiculously powerful being. I need piece of mind and your grandfather is looking after my stuff until I come back for it."
Morty seemed stuck on one point. "Wait, how big a criminal? Because- because if you're a, uh, criminal, then mmmaybe somebody should stop you or something. Becasuse I-I-III can't let you leave like this."
I chuckled. "Alright, I'll respect that." That said, I whacked him over the head and he fell unconscious. I quickly tipped him on his side and then looked at Morty. "Yeah, I kind of have to go back there. I'm kept on a pretty big tether. Fucking Void dwellers."
Rick nodded, taking a pull. "Fucking Void dwellers is right. You know something? I nearly got grabbed by a fucking Admin. Something about" he made threatening motions with his hands, "recklessly endangering people or some shit. I managed to set the record straight. Turns out they're after some crazy motherfucker. Some guy just, like, had a plan to conquer the multiverse."
We both laughed heartily at that. As Rick wound down he continued, "And, and this admin was only asking me because, get this, I apparently gave this fucker a dark matter compressor for several vials of energised protodermis. Can you believe that shit? I barely know the guy apart from that."
I frowned. "Well,m stay safe Rick." And with that, the hugely annoying slingshot effect took place and I was pulled back to my universe rather abruptly. It was a close thing, but my pocket was empty.
One last thing.
"Just because something is silly, and humerous, does not mean it cannot be evil." With that, I ran a hand through my hair and returned to my normal viewing, unsealing the door as I did so.
Author's Note
This chapter is a reminder that Xante is, indeed, quite evil. He's genuinely nice, it's just that he's also a muli-universe conquering being who has been involved with many shady characters.
Also I tried my hand at Rick and Morty dialogue. Hopefully I did okay.
The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
I stretched in my chambers, revelling in the cold which barely affected me now. Now that I was up, it was time for my main pastime- playing chess against myself for fun. It didn't really work that well- I'd just put myself in stalemate again before I'd detected the presence of some misguided 'heroes,' who'd probably make even MORE of a mess for me to clean up. After that, I'd done as any sensible villain would do and popped every single ward in the place, scried them out and dropped a remote ice-meteorite on their heads. What? Were you expecting a fair fight? Aw hell no. The last time I entered a fair fight, I... well, I won with ridiculous ease, but there's something both sophisticated and casual about dropping two tonnes of ice onto your heroic enemies.
For all the stress that we put on heroes, all they've done for ME is make a huge mess, slaughter my minions so that I have to resurect them AGAIN, make a big speech about how they're going to defeat me once and for all and attack me. The 'fight' and I use the word lightly, tends to go in one of two ways: either they get frozen to death and then turned into one of my new legion of minions, or get dragged into Tartarus. Honestly. Do you have any IDEA how hard it is to summon a Gate of Tartarus underneath a hero's feet? Trust me when I say it's hard. The point is, being evil is an all-day, every-day job, while the good guys can go have some 'downtime-' bah, who am I kidding. They go off whoring and fishing, and all this time I'm just making new and improved plans to take over.
While watching, I noticed that the white one has melted my gigantic ice meteorite, only to discover that my freezing cold hallway had now almost instantly refrozen the water around her legs, leaving only her head above freezing cold ice. Must be a fire magician. Been a while since I fought one of those. Well, time to deal with this latest annoying threat. I got up out of my dread black ice chair, gripped my long black staff tighter, and started focusing. I turned every level surface coming at me into an icy spike pit, added some extra wards, and just to annoy them even more, I cast several Immutable Cubes in the various pathways leading to me. Now, the only way to get into my chamber was the huge door with enough wards on it to fortify my castle.
I then wandered through my sanctum, freezing walls around me in a complex maze leading from the door. Taking the time to install anti-fire wards into the maze, I smirked. Now, I had both an effective defence against them simply teleporting into my heavily warded sanctum, and I also had a maze through which they'd have to navigate if they wanted to find me. Truly, being a villain was a hard, but ultimately rewarding life.
5 hours later...
I was just pouring myself my third mug of tea when I heard my door being knocked down and my ice maze being melted. Huh, usually most heroes take at least a day to reach this part of my inner sanctum. I regripped my staff, and got up, mug of tea now fully prepared. As a man who loves his coffee, tea was a barely acceptable substitute. Plus, if I was alive it'd pass through me with ridiculous ease. "Some people would have knocked," I commented drily.
The mare in front of me was wearing a simple suit of heavy golden plate armour, with her head exposed. Looking at her fairly impressive chest, I was reminded that blacksmiths had a dirty sense of humour, with their 'BREASTplates.' On her back was a large, round shield. Her mane flowed gently around her head, which I noted looked vaguely like the solar wind. How very interesting. She glared at me with a fiery hatred that I'd never really seen before.
"I have been navigating thy ice maze for FIVE HOURS! I feel that you cannot complain about my rage." The white mare snorted, horn glowing brightly and wings flared. Wait, wings?"May I ask about your wings? I'm just curious," I added hastily, in case it's rude to ask a lady about their wings."Most ponies who come this way are either pegasi or unicorns, with a smattering of earth ponies for good measure." "Oh, where are my manners. Will you take a cup of tea with me?" I felt that it was only proper to offer a lady some refreshment.
For answer, she sent a blast of searing hot plasma disintegrated my teapot. I sifted through the ashes morosely. It had been a good teapot and I would miss it dearly."That was a genuine Neighponese teapot. It's going to cost quite a lot to replace, you know." It actually would- I'd bought that teapot for quite a large sum of money. The white mare kept her distance, watching me like a cat."If you actually make it into my inner sanctum, then there's no point in poisoning you. I will at least show you that small amount of respect." While I was talking, I stealthily started building up a magical charge in my staff. I paused briefly when I heard the very, very slight sound of something flying as quietly as they could.
Mentally, I applauded the white one, acting like a decoy to distract me from an attack from behind. With a wave of my staff, I summoned one of my favourite spells- the Aurora Missiles. A self-invented spell, seven missiles of different colours surrounded me, ready to attack anything that ever got too close to me. I grinned, and immediately the white mare in front of me was on edge."I applaud your forward thinking, but I have an improved sense of hearing and smell, thanks to being a lich. Now," my missiles shot behind me, impacting with my attacker who reacted by hastily diving out of the way, "let's have a nice little chat."
The dark blue sister knealt at her sisters' hooves. Her armour was made of toughened leather and chain-mail, with a hood that almost obscured her flowing blue mane, dotted with stars. So, a Ranger/Mage then. From where I was standing, she had the perfect 'small girl/ lolita' figure- slim, without much in the breast/butt department. "I apologise, sister, I was sure that he would not hear my approach."
I snorted. "If you're going to be defeating me, then I shall give you the full list of titles you must use, in order to record my presence in the history books." I took a deep breath in for effect.
"I am Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magician." What can I say? I've always loved having a long string of titles after my name.
I attacked first by collapsing the roof, fracturing the bonds of ice that held it all together. It's a valid attack strategy, and my aim was to overwhelm them with pure brute force befor they could unleash their trump cards. They responded with teleporting. With another wave of my staff, I was surrounded by rainbow light, and I reappeared outside my rather battered inner sanctum. The white mare's hammer swung at me, and I responded with one of my favourite spells:"GLACIER WAVE!" "You fell for my trap. GLACIER SLAM!" I slammed my staff down, and the two halves of the glacier slammed back together, with the dark blue mare attempting to hold them from crushing her. The white one, obviously incensed by my casual trap, melted it all with a gigantic blast of molten plasma. She then turned to me. "Where is your ice now?"
I hummed. "Summon Windigo." My staff flared blue, and a Windigo appeared as a distraction. While they were busy defeating it, I was charging up more magic. When they were finally done, I smirked."Blizzard." A blizzard sprung up around us. I watched as they struggled to navigate, to manipulate the angry weather. No luck; this weather was MINE to control. While they were blundering about, I focused, summoning the Aurora Missiles again.
Just in time too, for they managed to hit ANOTHER sneak attack, this time from the white one. I smirked as she was sent hurtling back."It's rude to try to attack from behind." How smart of her, acting as the meatshield. Now, I can't summon another set of missiles for a while. Damn you, cooldowns!
Celestia sighed. At last, the annoying lich had been... wait."Unfortunately for you, I won't be beaten that easily." She turned around at the sight of the lich patiently waiting."Because I want this fight to be honourable." With a wave of his staff, the seven projectiles phased into existence. Luna growled. They were beginning to really, REALLY hate that spell.
I grinned as they readied their weapons yet again. This fight was actually going to be interesting for a change. I was being forced to use every single spell in my arsenal in order to fight them. They were actually pushing me to my limits, and that both scared and excited me.
I focused on all of my power, calling my subjects. A hoard of undead flooded out of my castle, assembling with weapons raised, ready to kick living ass. In response, the two alicorns flared their power, and a large army, made up of ponies dressed in golden and dark grey armour assembled. I grinned. Things had just gotten interesting."...did you say my name with a 'Z' instead of an 'X?' Don't deny it, I know." It's always easy to know when somebody mispronounces your name. With that, I knew that I would never live it down. I looked over my army."Hey, ALICORNS!" "COME AND GET IT!" With that, our armies clashed, while we continued our fight.
1005 years later...
"You put the lime in the coconut and you drink them both up, you put the lime in the coconut and you drink them both up, you put the lime in the coconut and your drink them both up..."
1,100 years ago...
I sat on my throne, idly scrying on the intrepid heroes navigating my dungeon. They were going to be quite a while; I'd specifically designed my dungeon to be both FABULOUS and to kill as many heroes as I could. Honestly, I could understand why they had to do it- some old man in a pub told them that I was a lich, and the specialised lump of nerve tissue that is a hero's mind assigned 'lich' to the same position as 'dragon,' 'annoying old man,' and 'gnoll:' KILL ON SIGHT. Still, my dungeons were designed to be satanically difficult to navigate even for the most experienced wizard.
I turned my head as they wandered into my inner chamber. The leader, a large, muscular man with a thick black beard, held aloft an obviously enchanted sword. I yawned, in preperation for a speech I've heard so many times with so few differences, that I could recite it backwards and in six languages. "At last, foul lich! We have navigated your cursed castle, defeated your minions of darkness, and now you face your- AAAAAARGH!" Why did he say that? Well, it might have been because I'd gotten bored with his ramblings and had used the time to open a Portal to Tartarus underneath his entire group's feet. Well, it would serve as a most fitting execution. Now, back to business.
You see, when one is an arch lich and has had all the time in the universe to work on fundamental problems, you quickly discover that eternal life is BORING, but you don't want to give it up quite yet. I stretched in my magnificent elvish black robes. So, I got creative. With a wave of my hand, a portal to another world opened. Just a viewing portal, for I was bored out of my skull. With enough time on my hands, I'd discovered another world, which was entirely inhabited by humans. Strange, I know. What else was interesting was that that they often dressed up as creatures from my world. Plus, some of the things they did were amazing. Like anime and their films. I had to admit, I loved these humans and their intellect. A lack of magic had forced them to build and improvise machines that could do what any mage could.
Even though I was loath to leave my comfy castle (I'd just gotten everything as I wanted it to be, thank you very much) I could still watch the most amazing shows. Currently, I was watching a human dressed up as a knight wrest a staff away from another human and slam it on the ground, disappearing. My laughter stopped and I rubbed my eyes. Wait, what? This was a world without magic, I knew this. And yet, this man had clearly disappeared. I frowned. Such an ocurrence had to be a coincidence, right? I wasn't too sure.
Whatever the case, something had to be done. I focused, and with more power, the portal solidified. With no small amount of trepidation, I stepped through the portal, staff clutched in hand. This wasn't my first time ever travelling through the multiverse, but it never hurt to be careful. There's a good reason why this spell is an epic level one- give it to an amateur magician, and they'll probably kill themselves attempting it. Even for somebody like me, immortal as long as my philactery was not destroyed, was leery of these portals. When I reappeared, the weather was swelteringly hot. I stomped through the hoards of humans, to the stall owner. He looked at me and his eyes widened. "Oh, shit."
I grinned pleasantly. "Hello there." My voice caused chills in those who listened. I leant in closer."What was with that staff you gave that poor fellow in armour?" He watched me, and I could see that his form was shifting underneath an illusion. He sagged.
"Look, Mr Epic Level Lich, I don't need you coming in here and messing up my business." The human with blue wings watched our exchange with slightly glazed eyes, and seemed ready to scream. With a wave of my hand, I cast Suggestion over the whole mass.
"Forget. Go about your business as if we are not here." The humans shook it off and wandered off. I turned back to the mysterious being and gripped him by the throat."What are you thinking, introducing a world like this to magic? Where do your artifacts even lead to?" He answered.
"I'm sending them to another universe, to sow chaos and disorder for fun. These humans are so devious." The stallkeeper looked out.
"It's only in these Earths that you see this kind of genius. Such viciousness, such bile and hatred, it's almost unique. And they've got the brains to back it up. Want to see, Lich?" He glowed with a red light. I tried to let go, but he gripped my arm with an appendage.
Present Day
As my prison dissipated, I'd been thinking a lot, and one thing that I knew was: Screw being evil. All it ever earned me was a huge mess that I'd hae to clean up. With that in mind, I turned to the Rainbow Ice Castle, my FABULOUS stronghold of undeath and icy, fabulous doom. It was looking alright, considering that it'd been a thousand years. Focusing my power, I sent rainbow light all over the frozen over battlefield, ressurecting my undead soldiers. They came shambling up to me, the ice still encrusting their bodies. I was back in control.
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The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.
Meeting with the Golden Alchemist, Part 1: The Summoning
As the coin finished turning over in mid-air, I felt a bit of an idiot.
Twilight looked over at me, concerned. “Xante? Did… did it not work?”
I shrugged, a bit unsure of what had happened. “I, well, it SHOULD have worked. Maybe the person on the other side, this…” I looked at it, the coin denoted to a Auric… something or other. Looked human, at least, from the coin. “This Auric, yes, maybe he’s out or something.”
I picked up another coin. “Maybe try anot-”
And then a voice filled the air around us. “Hello? Hello in there. Can you hear me?”
I grinned. “Loud and clear, mister Auric. Now, there’s two of us, as I said. Any difficulty on your part?”
Twilight looked around. “Alright, how is this even working? I’ve never heard of a spell that could do this kind of projection before.”
I shrugged, “I don’t pretend to understand, but I’m pretty thankful that he responded. Now, we should probably get close, make his job a bit easier.”
I turned in his vague direction. “Anything you want us to do or are you going to pull us directly?”
“Well, it’ll take a bit on my end. Normally, I’m meant to go TO the Token. Pulling you here will be an interesting challenge. Along with testing the properties of the mirror and how far I can push them! It’d probably be best if you both touched the coin. Wouldn’t want to leave one of you behind without an anchor.”
I turned to Twilight. “You heard the magical voice in the sky, touch the coin.”
Twilight did so, with a sceptical frown on her face. “Alright.” She turned her face upwards.
“Do you have any idea how fascinating this is? We’re travelling to an alternate dimension! Isn’t that just… incredible?”
“Not really. I’m pretty sure I’ve run across about...a half dozen at least people from alternate dimensions. Becomes old hat. Hang on to your bums, assuming you have them!”
I huffed. “Somebody has a nice sense of humour.” I turned to Twilight. “Try not to go TOO crazy going there, okay? Don’t want to alienate our rescuer.”
She blushed a bit. That’s kind of cute. “Oh, hehe… yeah, I’ll be quiet.”
“I doubt it, assuming she’s anything like this Twilight. Transporting in five…”
Another Twilight Sparkle? Like this one?
“Somehow, I feel like this is a bad idea all of a sudden.”
I winced, but my hand refused to let go of the coin. There was a sharp...pulling sensation, and the colors bled from around me before focusing to a silvery point. And on the other side stood, not a man, but an orange unicorn pony. One that was less anthropomorphic than the one I was currently stranded with.
And then it opened its mouth, removing all doubt that it was our rescuer. “Ah, there you lot are! Finding you was easy, pulling you here was interesting. I’ll have to ask why you were in the Void Eternal at a later date. For now, brace yourselves!”
The mirror rushed closer, and suddenly Twilight and I were being pulled through it to the other side, where the pony was. The sharp sensation of having actual ground under our feet caused us both to stumble a bit, before we regained our balance.
The room we were now in looked rather...bare. Bare’s a good word for it. And the pony next to us was panting as though exhausted. “Never had to pull two targets through one mirror before.”
Wait… pony?
I dismissed that, looking for our summoner. “ Many thanks, master Auric. Now, let us actually meet, face to face. I dislike speaking to your puppet.”
The pony shook its head. “Sorry, but what you see is what you get. This is what happens in Equestria if you expend too much power and are foreign to it: it changes you until you get your strength back. Auric Fulcrum I am and will hopefully always be.”
Huh. Remind me not to ever do that much. “In which case, Mr Fulcrum, I apologise for my assumptions.” I bowed. “Please, accept my humble apologies.”
Twilight, meanwhile, was looking at Auric with a mixture of curiosity and respect. “So you’re the one who brought us here… well, this is all a bit new to me. So, would you mind if I-”
“-would you mind answering a couple of questions that I have?” From a small pocket, she withdrew a notepad and pencil, and hesitantly opened it. The pony that was Auric snorted a bit, but smiled.
“Just like this Twilight. So long as you respect me when I say there are things I would like not to try to answer or explain, then yes. I can answer your questions.” He then turned to me. “And don’t give me that ‘humble apologies’ shtick. I’m not some malevolent guy who’ll blast you for speaking your mind.” He turned to one side and muttered something incomprehensible.
I raised an eyebrow, and started probing for his chakra gates. The results I got were… interesting. “You’re quite an interesting being, aren’t you? Neither mortal nor immortal, but in an in-between place.”
He chuckled at that. “Interesting that you could tell, but yes. Ever heard of the Golden Sun?”
I racked my memories for something relevant. Nothing came. “Sorry, but is that an ‘Earth’ thing you’re talking about? I’m afraid that I don’t understand.”
Auric waved a hoof around as he began explaining. “Sorta-kinda. Out there in the Multiverse somewhere is Weyard, land of Psynergy. Command over the Elements is something that comes natural to them. When all four Elemental Beacons are lit, they combine into a Golden Sun that shines on the land. He who stands there gains power unmatched and immortality.”
He then grinned at both Twilight and me. “Fast forward to now, here, in this Equestria, I made one happen, with a bit of help. And I was standing there. So yeah, immortal.”
He sighed wistfully as he looked at a plain wooden door set in one of the stone walls. “Gave it up, though. Had to. Measured Thought was dying, and breaking it was the only way to save her, to get the power to save her. We’re both...ageless now. And assuming we don’t die beforehand, we’ll be immortal together.”
I was impressed with him. With a grin on my face, I replied. “You truly have a far nobler spirit than I. My method of immortality, I achieved with a lot of effort, out of a rather selfish desire. I wanted to see death for myself, and be able to report on it. Mine is not easily giveable, but you have my genuine admiration.”
Twilight, meanwhile, was fascinated with this. “So, could you tell me a bit more about this ‘Psynergy’ of yours? If it’s not too much bother, that is.”
His grin never faded. “Sure, let’s head down to the first floor.” And with that, he walked directly to the wooden door. After some slight hesitation, we followed, Twilight eager and myself curious to see what wonders there were in this place.
On the other side of the door was a bathroom. Auric grunted and shut it. “No.”
It was rapidly opened again, revealing a kitchen. “No.” And slammed shut just as quickly.
Again it opened, to reveal a mare checking a bedroom for anything missing. “No, but keep that one in mind. Oh for goodness sake.”
The door was closed again, but Auric glared at it. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”
How very fascinating. “Let me guess. There’s a portal in the door, and it connects to other portals throughout this place. I’ve never relied on them myself- they fail too easily, right?”
Auric snorted slightly. “No, the door just has a mind of its own - unless you ask politely, it’ll take you where it wants you to go, rather than where you want to go. So now I ask, can we please go to the ground floor?”
The door shuddered a bit, and when it was next opened, it revealed a large, spacious entryway with four other doors placed around the perimeter. On each were symbols carved into them. One a flame, one a water drop, one a gust of wind, and one a mountain.
“So, which first? Venus, Mercury, Jupiter, or Mars?”
Twilight looked at them. “This is incredible! An entirely different branch of magic… this, well, this is simply amazing! The things I could research with this...” She shook herself out of her wonder.
“Um, Jupiter first.”
Auric nodded. “This way, then. Mind yourself, though. If your hair starts to gain too much of a charge, tell me .” Auric made his way to the door with a breeze on it and pushed it open.
Instantly, the sense of electricity , of being in the center of a storm, filled the air. “Jupiter, element of air, wind, and all it controls. Storms are second nature to those with the potential to wield it!” Auric walked in, seemingly uncaring. Sparks crackled in my minds’ eye, and I started thinking quickly about defensive spells in case this did go haywire. I trusted Auric, yes, but I didn’t live for a thousand and six hundred years by not being cautious either. Just then, he called back to us.
“Mind, I only do storm research on Wednesdays! And today’s minor stuff, just studying charges and how wind moves. It’ll sting, yeah, but unless a visiting Djinn takes real interest in you, then you should be fine!”
Twilight’s ears perked up at that. “What’s a Djinn?” She had to shout over the rising winds. Auric nonetheless replied.
“Look up !”
We did so, and I was now flabbergasted for the fifth time since coming to this plane of the multiverse.
“In all my long life…” I murmured, unable to think of anything else I could say. Auric laughed at that.
“Surprised me too! Fifteen hundred years ago, there was only one of each element! Ol’ Puck figured it out, probably. He always did have a mind for mischief. And these are just the ones that listen when I ask! More wild ones are out there!”
Sitting up on clouds and controlling the movements of the indoor tempest were a half-dozen purple creatures with eyes of polished sapphire. They didn’t seem to need to exert any real force while making the wind move as they wanted it to, and one even charged the cloud it was sitting on, turning it into a thunderhead!
“Wow…” Twilight whispered, and I agreed with her.
“So, these are the elemental spirits of Jupiter? The embodiment of the storm, eh? Fascinating.” They were majestic, if not in form then in spirit.
“Yeah, wind and storm given form. These ones are immature though, none of them have earned a name yet. They’ll figure it out one day.”
Auric then turned to one, and it obliged, hopping down from its cloud perch and landing on his back. “Jupiter, known as air, can control the winds, direct lightning, and even have access to a host of status effects. I’ll...not show that off. Just know that Jupiter isn’t a school you want to piss off.”
I nodded. “While I’ve never really wanted to control the violent energy of the storm, I can see its beauty. And there are more schools- Venus, Mercury and Mars. I’m guessing Mars is fire, Venus is… earth, and Mercury is water.”
Auric nodded. “Quite astute, but storm and wind are not the only things Jupiter has dominion over. Jupiter is the only school with any access to techniques that afflict the mind. Due to this, all Jupiter Djinn can talk. Or at least, sound like they do. I’ve never asked how they do it.”
Mind Read, but instead of reading your mind, we alter your perception of hearing, so that you hear the voice we want you to. Other Djinn have it harder, they have to actually connect with your mind on some level!
Auric merely nodded at the sound of the voice coming from the Djinn on his back. “Thought it was something like that.”
Twilight, meanwhile, was squeeing over them. “Aw, they’re so cute! Like little mind-reading blobs! And,” she coughed, remembering herself, “also elemental embodiments of the air. So,” she looked at the Djinn on Auric’s back, “is there anything you can tell me about the Djinn? Where you’re from, for instance, if that’s not too personal.”
The Djinn and Auric shared a glance before turning back to her and sighing. “That...is sorta my story. All Djinn know it. And...it’s not the best one. Suffice to say, I found the first four Djinn a long time ago. And one day, they figured out how to harness magic and elemental energies, binding them into more Djinn. Thus, Djinn are ‘made,’ but typically, the more Djinn that partake in a ‘molding,’ the more unique the next Djinn will be, and the less it’ll drain them. I wish Terra, Dracen, Puck, and Newton knew that then. They might still be around...”
Twilight nodded, scribbling all that information down. “And they’re… immigrants? From another world.” She turned to me.
“This is genuinely a huge discovery. I mean, Mr Auric, it’s YOUR discovery, obviously, but could I… write a bit? Please? Just… make a couple of notes from what you’ve found? If it’s not too much. I won’t share them, or whatever, if that’s what you’re thinking, but I’ll make you the main creditor and researcher behind this.”
Auric shook his head. “Really dear, I don’t think you should. It’s not because I don’t want you to,” he said, at Twilight’s disappointed face, “It’s that...you’re in another Equestria . One that may be quite different to your own,” and here he gestured between his own pony body and Twilight, “But think. Beyond this difference, what would you think is the same between our worlds?”
Twilight put a hand on her chin, thinking. “Hmm… well, from what you said in the Void, there’s another version of me, as well as other versions of my friends, so… wait a minute. I’m- I mean, this me- is already researching this and you, right? And I probably accidentally trod on your feelings, didn’t I.” More of a statement than anything else. Auric sighed and looked at his hooves.
“More of a painful memory. See...this Twilight has been kinda...manic about trying to understand me. And I may...have said a lot of hurtful things. When I thought she couldn’t hear me. But she could, and it sorta...well, it hurt her. And me.”
Twilight’s ears drooped. “Yeah, I kind of get a bit like that. When something really interests me. In fact, had you not warned me… I might have repeated that mistake.” I grinned at her.
“Well, at least you’re honest about it. Imagine how this other Twilight is feeling. You should probably go and talk to her-” Suddenly, I remembered something very, very important.
“Mr Auric, what date is it and what year? It’s important.”
Auric flicked his ears as he considered the question. “I’m...not certain. I’ve measured time differently than most, thanks to that whole Earth thing. I could call for Measured, she might know. I think she’s the only one with a calendar in this bloody tower.”
“Call her. It’s important. Or it might not be. It all depends on the date.”
Auric nodded and moved to the lab door. “You’re going to want to leave before me, the doors shut if I’m not in here. And don’t open.”
I nodded, gripping Twilight’s arm. “Come on, let’s meet this Measured pony. It’ll be vitally important. Or not, as I said.”
Twilight seemed confused. “Why would it matter what the date is?”
Auric filled in as we entered the main room. “Time, unlike what you’ve been told, is not a river. It’s more like an ocean. It can be rewritten, save for fixed points. And depending on when you entered this world and when you left yours, you could experience things you weren’t meant to know about. What was the last major event you can recall happening? I’m talking things like Discord here.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Well, we just got back from the Crystal Empire, which is where we encountered Xante. We’d already beaten Sombra, he just showed up slightly later.”
“Are we around that point? If so, then that’s good. If not, then you should keep in the tower, to avoid spoilers for your own future. Trust me, you DON’T want to know the future.”
Twilight nodded. “I know that much.”
Auric sighed. “Season three opener. We’re in Four by now. Or as you might understand it, a good few months to a year beyond your own world. And yeah, I know things. Important things, but you DON’T want to or NEED to know them.”
I sighed. Time dilation at its finest. “Well, that’s pretty bad. Back when I was at home, it could take between a simple three month difference in time to four years when I travelled to Earth. But this is good! You won’t see how you’re going to die, unless this Twilight’s contracted something life-threatening or is much older.”
Auric held a crystal-blue hoof to his chin. “I’m...not sure how I’d tell anymore, to be honest.” His eyes widened. “Oh crap, that was nearly a spoiler, wasn’t it?”
Twilight looked between us, confused. “What’s going on?”
“Cover your ears, don’t listen in. It could possibly change the future of your world forever if you had dangerous future knowledge.”
I walked over to Auric. “What’s this Twilight caught? Cancer? Diabetes? I’ve seen a fair few universes where an unhealthy student diet took its toll on her figure.”
Auric shook his head and brought his mouth close to my ear. “A case of Alicorn. She fixes a spell of Starswirl’s and ascends.”
I blinked. “Starswirl the Bearded? How interesting.” I noted that down in my mind for future reference.
“What’s this about Starswirl the Bearded?” Twilight must have overheard that very last bit, but fortunately hadn’t heard the context.
Crap. Save face. “Oh, uh, I… beat him in a drinking contest.” Always tell the truth.
Auric rolled his eyes. “And in this world, I had a run-in with him when the Princesses wanted to figure out how I did the things I did. Great stallion. Bit pompous. Thought I could use an instruction in ‘proper’ magic.”
“Really? We were drinking buddies. We met in a rather dismal bar, I wanted the last dregs of the barrel, so did he, and before you know it we’re having a drunken wizard’s duel.”
Auric rolled his eyes again. “Ah yes. Because magic and alcohol mix so well. Well, I assume they would if you didn’t have to worry about your liver anymore.”
I nodded, grinning widely. “If I was alive, I’d be needing a new liver.”
Auric poked a hoof at my robes. “Assuming there was a place to put it. Sheesh. If you had to rely on physical strength alone, even Fluttershy could take you.”
I was a bit hurt. “Oh yeah? I’ll lift you.” Before he could react, I gripped him and strained. “HUURGH!” My teeth gritted, my knees started cracking, and I felt my undead ichor pulsing, but I lifted him over my head.“Multiclass in Monk and mastery over my own lifeforce means that my muscles are strong where they count.” My arms snapped at the elbows, and I collapsed, Auric falling on top of me.
“Ouch! I will never understand why-” And that’s as far as he got before a sudden rush of inspiration filled my mind.
I could see it. I saw the multiverse in one glance. It was beautiful, but then I saw it. The Merchant, hiding somewhere-
The vision faded, and I rolled onto my front, arms still off. I wheezed, trying to draw air into my lungs. Twilight hurried over to me, hauling on my stumps. “Xante? Are you alright?”
“...I saw him.” It came out as a whisper, but Auric heard me. He froze up and looked at his hooves before slapping himself in the face with one.
“Damn it damn it DAMN IT! I am so sorry , Xante!”
I got up, and with a flare of rainbow energy around my stumps I recalled my arms. “No, you don’t understand. I SAW HIM. The Merchant! He’s hiding, and I didn’t see where! If I can get him, then I can go home! I can leave this plane, and I can go home! It’s incredible!”
Auric shook his head. “No, you don’t get it. I once wielded a blade, Eureka, the Blade of Understanding. When I became what I am, the blade was placed in my hooves.” He held one up for us to look at.
I was mildly curious. “But I NEED to find The Merchant. He’s breaking so many laws, bringing humans from Earth into this plane, or others, that it isn’t funny. There might be one, there might be several, but I NEED to see where he is. He’s holding me here, in this plane and I-”
Auric interrupted. “When I was human, on Earth, I asked myself the question. An innocent question. ‘How does everything work?’ And I got an answer. I saw the Multiverse in all its glory and horror. The Void Eternal and That Which Fills It. From the substructure of an atom to the full view, my mind flipped between them both. It broke me , and Eureka contains that moment. Now, when I don’t watch my words when I’m touching others with my hooves, they might experience that moment too.”
That humbled me. “Understanding… true understanding…” I’d felt it- I’d SEEN it. I looked at him with a renewed sense of admiration. “And you’re still lucid… that’s what I like about Earth, the humans there are so indomitable.”
He nodded. “I...never really recovered. Not from that, you can’t . It’s still there, like a hole that’s just been patched over. As Discord said after he touched the blade, ‘Limitless knowledge is fine and dandy until you gain limitless understanding.’”
“Wise words.” I stretched, an amazing fatigue flowing through my limbs.
“But the Merchant is a threat. Let me explain. Is there a table nearby? Somewhere where I can sit and get some much needed caffeine?”
Auric went to the door and made to open it, before narrowing his eyes at it. “The odds of you acquiescing are low, aren’t they? So why don’t we skip that. Please take us to the kitchen.”
The door rumbled and when Auric opened it, a kitchen we got. One that was surprisingly Earth-like. I staggered in on legs that still hadn’t been really repaired and sat down, trying to get rid of that small fragment of understanding. I knew the multiverse, but not all in one glance. Twilight looked at Auric. “So, nice kitchen.” This bit of small talk seemed a bit unfitting for the general area.
“Coffee. I really need some coffee. Or tea.”
Auric went over to a coffee pot and paused before turning back to face me, a slightly manic smile on his face. “You just want normal coffee, or do you want something more...fun?”
I rubbed my eyes. I felt tired, more tired than I’d ever felt in all my long years of life. “As long as it’s highly caffeinated, I don’t really care. Surprise me.”
“One Hellbrew, coming up! Not even Measured drinks this stuff!”
I looked at the steaming mug and raised an eyebrow. Then, I lifted the mug to my lips and drank. The black ichor flowed through my old, mouldy body and invigorated my system. Then, my eyes shot wide open as the caffeine shot through my head. Unconsciously, my hands started twitching. With a momentary flare of power, my gloves shot right off, and my full magical might, hit by unexpected caffeine, flared outwards, forming a rainbow-coloured skull around me. Frost spread all around me in a snowflake pattern as the coffee turned my brain to mush then reconstituted.
“I’ll take that as a ‘my compliments to the chef,” Auric commented, “Or is there something else I should take it as when my coffee makes you magicgasm?”
“B͉̿͑͗̐aͣͨ͗'̤̟ͧḊ̢ͧ̄́ͣͫu͈̺̎̅ͫ̂̑̋v̟̹̗̯͎͗̀e̿̌r̗̘͐͗̌̓́a̘ͧͨ͑̀ ̛̹̼̠͈̻͐͐D͉̼͙̥͇͕͎͊ͯ̔̍a̭̞̫̽͗̾ͅn̿ͮ̏̒҉͖ị͈̭̻͍̠̻ͪ͘t̝̱̯̓͆͗̉͊̅̿o̬!̖͍̘̼̏ͩ̆̏͠ ͒̅̀͆̋̇̚”
I coughed awkwardly as the eldritch swear words rolled off my tongue. “Don’t repeat that one to my mother. Long may she be dead.” Well, Understanding was buried in the aftermath.
“Anyway, Mr Auric. I presume you’re from Earth. Well, I’m not.”
That was the easiest bit to say. Auric rolled his eyes again. “No, really? I would think someone would have said something about an ancient lich wandering the world, freezing everything, and looking fabulous while doing it.”
I nodded. “I come from a world known as Ranreia.” Unconsciously, my hand tugged at my robes, opening them quickly. Ping Pong Circulate started playing loudly as I started talking.
“You see, when I was twenty years old, I attained Epic-Level status, and became… well, immensely powerful in the process. But I wanted to experience death, so I became a lich to satisfy my morbid obsession.” I threw my upper robe off, nipples starting to glow. Twilight gagged and tried to look away as I continued.
“But I saw one Earth where a man dressed in armour, with a tabard of the sun was handed a staff and disappeared. Seeing that some reckless fool was giving Earth humans magical artifacts and sending them somewhere here.” That said, my hands quickly unclasped my myriad belts.
“But then I met The Merchant. He might have looked human, but he wasn’t. He was one of The Things That Fill The Void, and he had a purpose. I know not. I confronted him, and due to a lapse in judgment, I was sent to Equestria. The rest, as you say, is history.” The lower robe was thrown off, onto a counter. I stood up, only my black silk undergarments and hat still on. My nipples glowed brightly, and I arched backwards.
“From your being here, I presume that you must have met the same merchant.” My hand tugged at my undergarments-
“Whoa there. This ain’t a strip-joint. Keep your underpants on, please. I’m still straight, thank you very much. It’s not that I have a problem with those who like their own gender, I just have no desire to look at yours .”
I nodded. “Sorry, it’s just a habit I picked up. There’s nothing more disheartening to a hero then seeing their sworn enemy start to strip in front of them.” With rainbow circles surrounding my hands, my clothes returned onto me.
“Thank you. And yes, I did meet a merchant. Sold me the sword. Now I know why. Would never have pegged him as an Eldritch Horror, but then, you never do until they start chanting in tongues not meant for mortal kind.”
“As far as I can believe, he had specific targets. People who would become disaffected, people who would fall into abusing power. He might have misjudged you. In any case, he sold it at a Convention. You’d find vengeful, angry people who only need the right push to make them complete psychopaths.”
Auric hmm ed at that. “That explains the Triad…And...possibly some others…”
“The Merchant is preventing me from leaving. I like this place, but I don’t want to die here. And I won’t.” I disliked thinking about that. Auric nodded at my statement.
“You like it here, but not enough to bring your toiletries over. You’d like the option to go home, but can’t because you have to get past the fat bastard in the door blocking it. I never sought to go home...but if he’s keeping you here…”
I frowned. “I’ll go home eventually. At least one future has that. A rather nasty one, to be sure.”
Auric shook his head. “Not what I was getting at. After all, who can tell what the future might hold for any of us Displaced? No, if he’s keeping you, a centuries-old lich, from breaking through to your home, then what hope is there for those of the Displaced that want to return?”
I tapped my fingers. “It’s not that I can’t break through, but the results would be bad. A Cascade would happen.” If he knew the whole Multiverse, then he knew what happened when you poked too hard.
“A Cascade?” Twilight was interested in that. Auric chimed in. “I’ve...heard of a resonance cascade, where two worlds merged or some such thing. Would this be similar, or are we talking about something far worse? Like, end of the multiverse worse?”
I gripped the mug so tight that cracks formed. “When I was young, my grandmother told me of a story of another Ranreia. There were wizards there, who for their own pleasure pulled warriors to fight for their own amusement. At least one looked like Darth Vader. But the prisoners tried to return, resulting in a Cascade.”
The mug shattered in my hand. “A Resonance Cascade, like you’re describing, isn’t too dangerous. But if the worlds’ don’t resonate, then… it’s just a crash. The Void is the buffer, but if worlds collide without anything too similar… the worlds cease to ever have been Like, retroactively. My grandmother was there, and she barely escaped. She took me to the patch of Void where that universe stood. Total nothingness. Two universes retroactively wiped from existence.”
Auric blinked a few times and looked at the shattered mug. “To think, some scientists back home thought two universes accidentally bumping one another is what started the Big Bang. Well. Now I know what not to ever ever do.”
“The Merchant is afraid of me, as well he should. I’ve killed many of his kind before, and I’m perfectly prepared to hunt him down. But he’s hiding on the other side of the multiverse, some distant plane that I cannot reach.”
Auric smiled up at me, though the look in his eyes was not one of joy. “Hiding in all of inifinity is easy...it’s hiding and not being found that’s hard. And you think you’re capable of taking him down? I took down the bloody Wise One, supposed Master of Psynergy.”
I nodded. “I’ve fought gods before, and I won most rounds.”
Auric shook his head. “It wasn’t a fight, it was a slaughter . I sealed his strength, then deconstructed him on the atomic level.”
“Eesh.” I stretched, tired. “Well, I do want to see what this plane has to offer before leaving. But right now, sleep sounds good. I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep for a thousand years.”
“Try being chained up for fifteen-hundred some time. Sets things in perspective.” Auric walked over to the door and knocked on it once. “Guest room, please.”
The door opened to the bedroom we’d seen once before, this time absent a mare checking it over. “And while I’d normally delight in giving you a tour of this plane, Xante, more bipeds walking around wouldn’t be a good idea, especially when one’s a dopple of Celestia’s favored student.”
I turned to Twilight. “I’ll take some photos for you, okay? But you heard him. YOU’RE already here, so don’t try any hiding spells, mkay?”
“Okay…” she grumbled, choosing a bed and getting in. I flopped on mine and fell asleep practically instantly.
Auric watched from the door, then sighed. “Gonna need to write up a list...a long list…”
The door shut, and silence reigned.
