Nicholas Cage Becomes an Alicorn

by Smiles

Rating: everyone
Tags: Dark, Romance, Comedy, Tragedy, Random, Human
Length: 1329

What is this shit?

On 4/12/14, at 5:25 PM, Smiles wrote:
> I hate you all.

Nicholas Cage arrives in Equestria.

Then he becomes an Alicorn.

That's about it really.

Don't read this please.

Written as a late April Fools' fic by: Smiles, Cormac, Kragor, Parasprite, and others.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-13 00:19:36 UTC

Im really going to regret uploading this chapter.

NicholasCage Becomes An Alicorn

By: A Whole Fuck Bunch Of People

“Why couldn’t you just put the Bunny back in the box?” - Nicholas Cage

Hello. My name is Nicholas Cage and this is my story.  I come to you now not from a position of arrogance, but from an earnest desire to share with those of you desirous to hear of my story, as its dire importance concerns not only you but those who are undesirous to experience this tale.

There is very little time left, so listen carefully as I relate to you the events of that fateful night and its less fateful but still relevant accompanying day. It is a story of the beginning of the end. As is the with most stories, we shall begin at the beginning: the beginning of the beginning of the end.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Mudville nine that day. The rain was coming down like cats, dogs, and the increasingly rare catdogs. Nicolas Cage sat at the bat, eyeballing the pitcher as he wound back a fastball. Some later argued that Nick should have stood at the bat, and that it would have changed the results of the game, but Nick Cage just didn’t roll that way.

Nick Cage’s preferred methods of rolling involved simultaneous rocking and/or keeping rolling rolling rolling what. I don’t know shit about baseball, but whatever you call it, the pitcher threw the ball with a curve in it. I think it’s called something fancy. Let’s call it a spinball.

Then Nick said. “Which one of you quærs is gonna help”.

“Not me,” said the dog.

*scheiße

new ep

slow-mo it started to crush his entire body down in a cartoonish accordion-like fashion until he ded.

HE SAID, "SON WHEN YOU GROW UP,

WOULD YOU BE THE SAVIOUR OF THE BROKEN,

THE BEATEN AND THE DAMNED?"

HE SAID "WILL YOU DEFEAT THEM,

YOUR DEMONS, AND ALL THE NON-BELIEVERS,

THE PLANS THAT THEY HAVE MADE?"

"BECAUSE ONE DAY I'LL LEAVE YOU,

A PHANTOM TO LEAD YOU IN THE SUMMER,

TO JOIN THE BLACK PARADE."

IM JUST A BOY I ANIT A HERO NIGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

THEN THA BOY WAS ALL LIKE “YO NIGGA U GOT SUM DRUGZZZZZZZZZZZ??”

AND THEN SMASHMOuthSSLGDSNAKHYEAH IT;S EGGS HERE TAHE KIKE THREE NONW

THEN NIGGAS BE ALL LIKE WTF BOY U GOT SUM DRUGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

AND DSMASHOUTH SAID NO I DON’T ACTUALLY GAVE DRUGS SOORRY LITTLE NIGGER FILTHY TRASH

POOPTICKLER IS GAY LOL ←- TRU FAX

KRAGOR IS LOVE

KRAGOR IS LIFE

<3->   Dick butt

</3

BICTH NIQHAUAAAAA

And then Nicholas Cage batted ball and it was so smexy that adrimnzr the famous soundclown quit making soundclowns, also a weird portl appeared in from nt of nick cages face and sucked him off real hard i mean into equesteria what

Rainbow and Rooted was such a clever album name because omgomgomgomg CAMO AND KROOKEL LELELLELELELELE

And then Nicholas Cage was in Equestria.

“This is like what, the 7th Human this week?” Applejack groaned. Today was supposed to be a relaxing day for her. There were many apples as of yet unjacked. Applebloom was busy blooming over in the corner with Button Mash. That dirty slut.

Suddenly Nicky stood up and looked Applejack in the eye with a crazy look. “I am not a demon, I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.” He said. Applejack rolled her delicious eye balls.

“Ya, well we’ve already got enough humans. The last human wasn’t that pleasant either, so…”

Applejack took out a shotgun outta nowhere and pointed it at Cage.

“

“I feel like a deer in the headlights of love,” Nicholas Cage remarked sweatily. His fleshy eyes glistened with desire.

then kniggy

have to hit you with a bigger hammer.” Nicholas Cage said, forcing his golden voice down everyone’s ears.

“lol s-sorry” kniggty sed “except i lied, I am incapable of emotion or remorse i am a true monster:^)

^tru fax

^truer fax <truest fax

So then the Cage was upset, he didn’t want to kill knighty, as evil as he was, he was actually… Kinda beautiful. But what

but to o late he get crush ny hammer

he rip in piss

but not really lol nickky cage stop before he owie owie on knightys head because knighty said something

“but wait theres more!” knigtly said, shamelessly using a glorious quote from the holy billy mays which caused nick ola cages to stop

“if you let me go i’ll give you super god powers even godlier than the powers you got now (because of how beaut nicholas cage is normally he actually has su[er pwers) fro half of the porice!!

“Wow!!!!!!!!” nikc cge

Fucking. What.

Smiles was here! :rainbowkiss:

And then Applejack was dead because she was a background pony. Fucking scrub.

Nicholas Cage walked out of the barn in his plaid business suit with a smile on his face, his baseball bat nowhere to be seen. Fuck you.

Apple Bloom screamed loudly in pleasured moans from the sight of Nicholas, kicking a jealous autistic Button Mash off her and running to Nicholas Cage with a bright smile on her face, autism-cum dripping from her cunt. “Rape me, my friend.”

And then Christian Bale the super Christian came outta nowhere like a wrecking ball and killed Applebloom with an Axe. DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO.

Except everybody loves Applebloom. So we switched Applebloom with Scootaloo.

Basically? Kind of a big deal. It’s a scootabuse fic now, kiddies.

Nicholas Cage didn’t like that though, cus he’s the good guy.

Suddenly Nicholas Cage developed bee-spawning cancer and launched them at Christian Bale. Christian Bale screamed “NOT THE BEES” in an odd turn-around factor and ran for the hills.

Nicholas Cage created new magic!

Celestia came down from the sun in her regal and fuck she’s white I don’t give a shit.

“K, you’re a princess now cus new magicz. Go be a good princess and eat this Banana.”

She stuffs a banana into Nicholas Cage’s mouth because Paraspite said she was a clitoras, and then Nicholas Cage became horny and had a wing boner. AKA he turned into a Alicorny Alicorn. With female gentales cus he’s a princess now.

Can’t vote no more.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

But everything was okay cus whatever man, it’s my opinion.

Fuck I’m high.

Fuck you.

Fuck this shit.

Fuck.

Stop messing up my fics you turds.

Fucking jews.

Nicholas Cage wake up from his terrible awful dream.

“Oh god, what a terrible awful dream!” He asked (said?) in a terrible awful cliched voice manner.

He checked his forehead for a horn, which there was none thankfully. His back seemed baren of wings as well. Another day without being made into a public scandal, thank god. No, thank Obama.

Thanks M.A. Larson!

And then Nicholas Cage turned towards his left, Celestia’s face mere inches away from him.

“Oh yeah. Now I remember.”

[The Previous Day]

Fuck.

Hitler

HitlerFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKHitlerHitlerCatdog, cat dawwg,The rain was coming down like I did on your mom last nightHitlerROLLONG JOINTS AMIRITE!???OH SHIT NIGGAAW YE BAEadd me smealesWhy can't I edit thisHitlerHitlerHitlerThis meme is literally cancer. Please kill yourselfClitorisbrb family visiting and eating dinnerhttp://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/n/nicolas_cage.htmlHitlerAnusThat might well be the most awesome line I've read all week (and I really don't have much else to do most days).  I may just have to steal that if I ever meet a woman drunk and/or blind enough to be interested in me.knighty's ballsackTHIS STORY REQUIRES HITLERHitlerHitlerHitlerHitlerHitlerMore like Mary Jew amirite?Rape me, my friendOkayAHAHAHGHAHGHHGHGHHHHHHHHHHH <--- what it sounded likeAdolf Mash, Button HitlerButtlerAutism HitlerHitlemash?DHDOGHHDIGHASDFODSHF DOGEy did you caps this its not a proper noun fagetI don'tUsing our autism powersHitlerHitler卐卐卐卐卐卐卐What a fucking cliched endingOH GOD WHAT AN CLICHED TROLLFICI have no idea who is writing this just fyiMy reaction depends on whether you are rich or notWhat if Nicolas Cage had tumors growing out of his back and they looked like scootaloo and they gave AIDS to everyone who looked at them and it was instantly favOJH COOL EDIT TIME