We're all bucked... but I can still be an alicorn, right?

by CrystalBronies

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Sex, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1269

Pinkie Pie can REALLY throw a party, and the aftermath is usually pretty good, except for that one time...

Pinkie Pie can REALLY throw a party, and the aftermath is usually pretty good, except for that one time...

Twilight is unconscious, Applejack is looking through porno mags, Pinkie Pie is, well, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash has "slightly" overdosed, Shining Armor may or may not become an alicorn, Luna is NOT a virgin, and Celestia just has a headache from all these goddam letters!

Published 2014-04-02 20:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-02 20:50:02 UTC

BUCK YOU PINKIE PIE!

Rainbow Dash opened her eyes to see a pink, furry tail squashed against her face.

“Pinkie, did you… Did we…”

She pushed the ass of her face and attempted to adjust her eyes to the light.

“Buck…”

The previous night was all a haze, apart from the fact that it was Sweetie Belle’s coming of age party and was hosted by Pinkie Pie. As normal parties go, this was WAY too over the top. An overpowering stench of Sweet Apple Cider filled the room and multiple pill containers scattered the unfamiliar bed.

“Buck buck buck buck buuuck….”

“Eugh… Dashie? That you?”

The pink mess of a pony fell off the bed with a thump, sending small cardboard boxes, toys, confetti, a bloody knife, a skateboard, a subscription to ‘FuntimePonies’ magazine, a horndom, a- wait, WHAT? A blue horndom was lying on the floor next to a hung-over Pinkie Pie, who just so happened to be waking up after a crazy-ass night.

“Um… Pinkie Pie… Care to explain THAT?”

“Mmmm…?”

A murmur could be heard from the party supplies cupboard. Struggling to stand and dizzy, Rainbow made her way over the small cupboard and opened it… letting a lavender alicorn tumble out amongst clothes-of-which-fillies-should-defiantly-not-know-of.

“Well… That explains the horndom. Please don’t tell me that was inside of me Twilight, because for the last time, I AM NOT GAY!”

“Sahys tha pony who rode my like ah used ta rhide that Dr Whooves, ya dirty mare!”

“APPLEJACK? Well great! I got with my best friends last night! Next thing you know, Rarity is pregnant with Spikes kid and I’m a stallion!”

The writer sat calmly at her desk, putting off homework for writing a shitty fanfic, laughing manically to herself.

“DAAAAAASHiiiiiee…… I LOVE YOU!”

Pinkie had seemed to get herself in between the mattress and the bedframe, still clutching a bottle of half finished Applejack Daniels in her hoof. Twilight stirred from her hung-over slumber but did not move, lucky for her, as Applejack decided to step back to inspect Pinkie’s collection of “merchandise”. Faint rock music could be heard coming from the floor below where the Cakes would be cleaning after the chaotic party the night before. Rainbow had only just made her way to the door of Pinkie’s bedroom before violently regurgitating any of the ‘adult substances’ she had consumed onto the wooden floor.

Sugarcube corner was home to many intense parties over Pinkie’s time in Ponyville, but none came close to the remarkable events of the previous night. It’s true that Pinkie Pie loves to party, but when you mix 400 ponies in a room together (most being either homosexual or homophobic) it’s going to get hectic. Spike had been to his share of Pinkie’s parties, but none could have possibly ended in the sharing a bed of a certain white-coated pony. Dazed and confused, Spike woke when the sun was high. Rarity however, was already up and pacing the room.

“Raaarrr… Raawwrr… Rarity? Is that you?”

Spike spoke with a slur, but his unintentional and undeniably awkward lisp remained unheard. The white pony started to hyperventilate.

“Spike… Spike it didn’t work…”

“Whayyyt?”

Rarity continued to pace through the guest bedroom of Sugarcube corner, thoughts frantically going through her slightly muddled brain.

“Spike! Listen to me. It didn’t. Work.”

“Oh, okay then Rarity. OH! Oh no… No… That can’t have happened… WHAT!?”

“I’m confused as you are Spike, it should have worked…”

“Well… That might have been my faul-“

“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU SPIKE!”

A scream from the other side of Ponyville startled the white stallion, forcing him to awaken. Something was wrong, something was VERY wrong, and she knew just the pony for it.

*Briiiiiiiiiiing*
“Yo Celestia! Yeah, this is Shining Armor here- No, I only just woke up- She’s already left- NO NO NO! Don’t hang up on me! I’ve got a situation again- No… The sex was fine- Yes, thank you for your tips; again, I still hope to Luna that you found them in a book- Luna is best pony! What?- No, nothing, nothing… Anyway, I need your help. Send twenty guards and your best gynecologist over. One of Pinkie’s parties got out of hand again- It was Rarity- Well, I presume it was from the ruckus going on over at Sugarcube corner- You REALLY don’t care about us, do you? Didn’t think so… Just- No, no I do not want a penis enlargement- I DON’T CARE IF I’M BUCKING IMMORTAL AFTERWARDS! I DON’T WANT WINGS- Yes, just send them over as usual. Flash Century if possible-Yes- Okay, I’ll see them in twenty minutes- Thank you- Yes- Goodbye…”

Shining Armor threw the phone away and laid down on his bed.

“On second thought…”

*Briiiiiiiiiiing*
“Hey Princess, still up on that alicorn offer? Yes- Yes- NO, I DON’T WANT TO GET A BUCKING PENIS ENLARGEMENT!”

“LUNA! WHAT IS THIS ABOUT YOU HAVING SEXUAL AFFAIRS WITH A TIME TRAVELLER?”

The dark blue alicorn ran through the halls of her majestic castle, her sister in hot pursuit. Last night had been epic, least to say. Another one of Pinkie’s parties, another unfamiliar face in Canterlot Castle the morning after. Meh.

“HAVE SOME FUN SISTER!”

Luna was galloping around the castle, laughing at her sister’s remarks behind her. As she turned the corner, a suit of floating armor shimmering in a golden aura blocked her way.

“LUNA! HOW COULD YOU?”

Celestia turned to face Luna, and without thinking, shot a flaming ball of fire towards the Princess of the Night. Luna contorted and fell backwards… onto the suit of armor, which was sharp…

The white mare trotted over to her dying sister, a smirk on her face. The pony-armor’s spear was covered in blood. Given that it was impaled through a pony, it probably would usually.

“I couldn’t have any fun. Pah. You should have learnt sister, you should have learnt…”

With that, Princess Celestia walked away, only to be crushed by thousands of letters from her favourite pony, wanting to know if she wanted to come to a party that night…

“Pinkie Pie…”

The moon was shining for the fourth night that week. The sun had disappeared and refused to return. The Princess of the night was born once again.

"You should of learnt sister..." she muttered as she paced the fiery streets of Canterlot. The rubble of Canterlot Castle stood behind her, a large white blob on a spike impaled through the stone.

"LUNA!" A small voice rang out from over the decrepit town. "LUUUUNA!"

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT NOW SHINING? AND IT'S NIGHTMARE MOON AGAIN YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"

"WELL, I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF I COUL- ...DID YOU IMPALE CELESTIA ON A SPIKE?"

"...NO... SHE FELL..."

After their 'disagreement', Celestia had a funeral arranged, stating that "it was a tragic accident that Luna happened to be standing near the suit of armour at the time of its toppling. A tragic, tragic accident'. Of course, Luna was an alicorn, and therefore immortal. A grand entrance here, a satanic ritual there, and Lucifer's started the apocalypse!

"ONTO A SPIKE?"

"YES. YES SHE DID"

"OH, OKAY THEN."

Silence.

"SO ARE YOU STILL ON FOR THAT IMMORTALITY ARRANGEMENT?"

Author's Note

Happy April Fools Day! This was meant to be a joke, please don't take it seriously...

EDIT: I fixed it up a bit and changed the end because... well you hated it. But meh, t'was a joke. I laughed while writing it. I hate it myself, all a big joke, right? Right. *sobs quietly*