The Princess Javelin

by spigo

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Cadance, Comedy, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character
Length: 8219

Corporal Shining Armor finds himself in the odd position of being asked to throw a princess like a dart.

As a corporal in the Royal Guard, Shining Armor is prepared for a lot of things, from potential monster encounters to donut runs. Even so, when called upon for another royal mission, he finds himself slightly surprised by its nature.

He's been asked to learn to throw a princess.

Editing thanks to Unimpressive Vagaries, Mesunare, and sourichan. Contains some mild Shining/Cadence shipping.

Published 2014-05-03 19:50:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-03 19:50:04 UTC

Practice Makes Perfect

When I woke, the first thing I noticed was that I was drenched. I felt like someone had thrown me into the Palace fountain, turned me over several times, and left me there overnight. Everything from my ears down was soaking wet, and my mane was sticking to my forehead. It wasn't a new feeling — the sarge had been drilling us pretty hard this last week, on account of the holidays coming up.

It must've been raining. Something cold and wet was dripping down on me. I guessed that the roof was leaking. It does that sometimes — usually when the pegasi get sadistic and drop a torrential downpour on the city.

I rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. Whatever time it was, it was too early to get up on my day off.

I was almost halfway turned over when I remembered that we hadn't drilled yesterday, and that I'd traded for the bottom bunk.

I inhaled a few bucketfuls of water before I managed to find the edge. I flailed until I caught onto it, and hauled myself out of the fountain. I sputtered for a few minutes until I was sure the water was gone, then opened my eyes to inspect the damage.

By the looks of it, it seemed someone had dumped me in the fountain and left me there overnight — bed included. Now that I'd gotten out, my mattress drifted toward the surface, bobbing slightly. The bed frame, meanwhile, poked out of the water halfway as one end rested in the pool and the other on the fountain's edge. My pillow floated a couple of feet away, forgotten.

And there my bunk mate lay, completely oblivious as spray from the fountain rolled over him.

I considered waking him for all of the two seconds it took me to remember my appointment.

I turned tail and set off across the grounds, trying to remember the contents of the letter Celestia had sent me. It didn't go too well. I knew it involved another job and another meeting. It sounded important, and there was some noble involved.

While I walked, I gave it a bit more thought, but couldn't think of anything else. I also nearly slammed into one of Canterlot's finest marble walls, and decided to put it out of mind for the moment.

The grounds were all but silent as I walked toward the Royal Bedroom. They would've been completely silent, except that I, proactive guard that I am, decided to sleep in my armor last night. So instead, the sounds of proactivity — brass clanks, muddy squishes, and, occasionally, scraping metal — filled the air around me as I stumbled on. Of course, it might've been less to do with proactivity and more with laziness — I don't remember. Take your pick.

The noise had managed to stir a couple of the maids, it seemed. They filed out of their quarters as I passed — some older, some younger, and a few of the younger ones pretty cute. One caught my eye, and I found myself wondering if she had a coltfriend. I smiled at her.

It took her a few seconds to notice. When she did, she recoiled in horror, and immediately went to whisper in her friend's ear.

Hey, my armor wasn't that filthy. You could very nearly still see the corporal's insignia underneath all the mud. It was practically shining.

I'd almost finished dripping off by the time I rounded the corner into the meeting place. I paused to shiver before turning the corner.

I paused again when I realized who else was at the meeting.

"Cadence?"

She turned her attention from the balcony and blinked at me. "Shining?"

It wasn't hard to tell which of us had gotten the better end of the morning. She wore her purple-and-gold mane tied in a ponytail with a blue bow, as usual, and didn't have any stains to speak of on her pink coat. She also had the advantage of not looking like she'd just rolled out of bed.

After a few seconds of mutual gawking, Cadence found her voice. "What — " she hesitated, then changed tact. "What happened to you?"

"Oh, it's nothing. I, uh… woke up in a fountain."

She grinned and tossed her ponytail — the one on her head, I mean. "Oh, is that all?"

I opened my mouth, but the sound of hoofsteps overhead made me stop. Cadence waved. I glanced up at the balcony and reflexively bumped my hoof against my forehead in a sort of drunken salute. "Sir, Captain Wedge, sir!"

He had the same dyed white coat, dyed sky-blue mane and blue eyes as every other pegasus in the Guard. Only two things really set him apart — an overworked jaw that looked as if it'd been carved from stone by someone who'd heard a vague description of one and thought it'd be fun to model, and the amethyst armor of the Captain of the Royal Guard.

He nodded and smiled at her. "Cadence."

He then turned his head on me, and scowled. "Corporal Shining Armor." He curled his lip and looked me up and down, making me painfully aware of my fading coat dye. And the dirt on my armor. I wondered for a moment if I should've washed my mane.

After a long silence, he squinted at me and sniffed. "Your armor's askew."

That announcement made, he turned and stalked back inside the building. I glanced over at Cadence, but her attention was still fixed on the balcony. For a second, I thought about saying something else to her.

It was at that second that Wedge started talking.

"Celestia?"

No answer.

I heard something like bedsprings squeaking. "Celestia?"

Again, silence.

There was a thud, and a scraping sound. "Celestia!"

For about a second, I debated whether I should go up and see what was going on. Then Wedge decided for me. "Corporal, get up here!"

I threw open the door and shot up the stairs — or, well, I would have shot up the stairs, if Celestia didn't keep her vase so close to the door. I staggered away from the marble end table and scrambled up the stairs, having added a fresh coat of mud to everything else on my armor.

The bed alone easily took up about half the room, though the trunk at its foot helped. A writing desk sat in the far corner, piled high with enough letters to form an alphabet. A tall wardrobe and standalone mirror stood opposite, either one alone with a price tag I expertly estimated as "expensive."

After a second of staring, I realized I hadn't actually stepped into the room, and climbed up onto the lavender carpet. A vaguely Celestia-shaped lump took up most of the bed — which was truly a feat, considering. Wedge stood on the other side of it, wearing…

Wearing a tuba.

Correction. A tuba, a drum, and a couple of other instruments I didn't know all on top of his armor.

He shifted for a minute, apparently trying to get the tuba to sit right on his back. It was all I could do to keep my lungs in check. "Corporal Shining Armor — "

"Sir?"

He scowled. "What?"

"Umm… can I ask why you're wearing that — ?"

His scowl deepened, if that was possible. "No." He squinted at me for a minute. "Corporal, what in Celestia's name happened to you?"

I winced. "Plant pot, sir."

He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Don't worry, Captain. I beat it off. The Princess is safe another day."

His lip twitched, and he looked for a minute like he was weighing the satisfaction versus the prison time for equicide. Thankfully, he came up short. He sighed, and tried to reach for something on his back. It took him a couple of minutes and more than one collision with the tuba — during which I was, of course, a faithful soldier, and did not snicker at his expense — to retrieve the… whatever it was… from his saddlebags.

He tossed it across the bed to me, and I caught it in my magic. I think it might've been some sort of medical device. It's also possible that it was an inbred trumpet from the frozen north, sounded to herald the end of days. Or, you know, something a little less dramatic. Roll-call on a Monday, maybe.

I squinted at it for a moment before deciding I had no idea what to do with it. "Umm, Captain?"

"Yes?"

"What're we, um… what're we doing?" I paused. "What's this for?"

"It's for Celestia." He stepped closer to the bed, and glanced over at me. "Now, on the count of three — "

"Um, Captain?"

He groaned, and shook himself, his tuba knocking into one of the bedposts. "What is it, Corporal?"

"I, uh… what is this thing?"

"It's a flugelhorn." When I didn't immediately recognize the name, he sighed again. "It's a sort of instrument. You blow into it like a trumpet. Now, I assume you can figure that out?"

"Um, yes. Yes, sir."

"Now, on the count of three." For a moment, he was quiet. "Three."

He paused for a second, and I took the opportunity to spin the, um, 'flugelhorn' around a bit to try and figure it out. It didn't help much.

"Two."

I spun it around a few more times, and realized I had no idea which end was which. That done, I stuck the end pointing toward me into my mouth — the larger end, I realized later.

"One."

I sucked in my breath, and I was vaguely aware of Wedge doing the same over on his end, as well as raising one hoof over the pedal of his… instrument-suit… thing. Before either of us could get to our merciless massacre of music, however, we were interrupted.

Celestia's left eye cracked open, and a moment later, she opened her other eye.

"Celestia?" I said.

We both froze. Her eyes went from me, to him, and back to me again, a look of sleepy surprise on her face. After a long moment, she said, "Oh, dear."

I lowered the flugelhorn and blinked at Wedge. He sighed, and looked Celestia in the eyes. "You were awake the whole time, weren't you?"

A slight grin came to her lips.

"Why?"

She smiled, and got out of bed. "I thought I'd change things up a bit."

Wedge's eyebrow twitched for a moment, and he struggled to keep his face in that neutral guard's half-scowl as he followed her out onto the balcony. I opened and closed my mouth a few times, then hurried back down the stairs — avoiding the table and now-empty vase this time — and stepped outside.

Cadence glanced up. "What — ?"

"Flower pot," I said.

She raised an eyebrow and opened her mouth to say something else, but she didn't get the chance.

Celestia cleared her throat and looked down at us from the balcony, with Wedge doing the same beside her. "Now, I assume you all know why you're here today?"

"No, ma'am."

Cadence and, surprisingly, Wedge answered similarly.

"In that case, I will explain. As you know, the Summer Sun Celebration is coming up not much later this month. Of course, there are certain traditions related to our holidays — some which we still follow, and others that, sadly, we have forgotten."

She cleared her throat. "Now, there is one such tradition from earlier days I'd like to revive — from not long after the founding of Equestria, in fact. The Princess of the day would, on certain occasions, consent to be picked up and thrown by her chosen consort as part of the celebrations — a gesture of love and trust between the two."

Something about that made me feel uneasy.

Wedge nearly snapped his neck to glance at her, his eyebrows raised. He opened his mouth to say something, but — as seemed to be the trend today — he was interrupted.

"As I'm sure you're aware, this tradition does not survive today. It seems such a powerful symbol, and this is, of course, why I'd like to bring it back — with your help, of course."

It took a moment for that to sink in.

Wedge stared at her, and mumbled something I couldn't hear. She met his stare, and a few seconds later, his brow unfurrowed, and his mouth fell open just slightly. Apparent telepathy done, they returned to staring at us.

I looked her up and down, and my heart sank. Just the thought of trying to lift Celestia sent little stabs of pain through my horn. A vision of her huge, majestic white mass slamming down on top of me — me and my comparatively tiny, fragile, covered-in-paper-thin-brass body — washed over my mind.

I opened and closed my mouth several times, and after a few seconds, finally found my voice. "Umm, Your — Prin — um, Celestia?"

"Yes, Shining Armor?"

"I don't mean to question your judgment, but… you know, there are just so many better choices out there. I mean, I just, uh… you could do so much better."

She raised an eyebrow. "I think I'll let my niece be the judge of that. It is her choice to make, after all."

I flapped my mouth one last time before that sank in.

Cadence blinked and took a step back, the tiara I'd failed to notice earlier glinting in the morning sunlight. "It is?"

"You're a Princess?"

It took her a minute to realize I'd said anything. She glanced over. "You didn't know? Twilight didn't say?"

I itched my neck. "Uh… no. She kinda left that part out."

For a moment, I just stared. I'm not even sure what I was staring at, exactly. Cadence, I guess — but, then, I wasn't actually seeing much of anything, so it was hard to say. After a long three minutes, someone cleared their throat, and my eyes came back into focus.

I was still working through the idea of Cadence being a princess, but Celestia wasn't waiting for me to catch up. "Now, I wouldn't dream of entering into this without either of your consent. What say you, Shining Armor?"

I hesitated. "What if I said no?"

"Then I would be sorely disappointed in your lack of patriotism. But you would, of course, be free to leave. I'm sure there are many things a young colt such as yourself might prefer to do with his weekend."

She paused, and grinned just slightly so that only I could see it. "Perhaps you'd like to take your sister on a walk through the family pumpkin patch, for example. I hear it's quite lovely this time of year."

Cadence looked confused. I tried to smile. "Uh… I wouldn't miss this for all the donuts at Pony Joe's, Your Highness."

"Excellent. And you, Cadence?"

After a second, she nodded. "Of course, auntie."

Wedge pulled a scroll from his bag — he'd gotten rid of the tuba-suit at some point, so, to my disappointment, it was without collisions — and unfurled it. "Well, as it so happens, I have a schedule for just such an occasion."

Celestia glanced at him and raised one eyebrow. "Oh? You do?"

He coughed and looked away. "I, err… it's a perfectly valid tactical maneuver. Princess-tossing. I was going to teach the guards. The better to get you out of harm's way, of course."

She grinned, but said nothing else.

He cleared his throat. "Well… if you would all follow me, please."

He disappeared back into the building with Celestia and came out a minute later. We fell in behind them at a respectful distance. After they were out of earshot and engaged in some whispered conversation or another, I broke the silence.

"So, you wanted to do this?"

"It's… well, it's a…" she stopped and smiled. "How many mares can say they've been thrown across a field?" She paused. "And anyway, you didn't?"

Well, that was a new one. I struggled with words for a moment. "I might've been persuaded by the circumstances."

For a few seconds, she was silent. "Is that what the pumpkin thing was about?"

"Um…" I cast around for an excuse, but none came to me. "Yeah. Yeah, it is."

We made the rest of our trip in silence.

He led us to another part of the grounds — the target range. A few wooden bullseyes stood at the other end, and several crossbows leaned against the marble brick wall behind us.

"We ought to start off with a closer target, I suppose." He gestured at one maybe fifty yards away. Or maybe forty. I've never been good at judging distances. "Corporal, I want you to try to hit that one."

After a minute, he coughed into his hoof. "Any time now, Corporal."

I shook myself, blinked, stepped up next to Cadence at the brick line separating the range from the field and started getting ready, pushing a bit of energy into my horn.

I reached out for her, but before I could lift her more than an inch or two off the ground, someone jabbed me in the side and I lost my concentration. Cadence dropped to the ground with a slight squeal, but wasn't hurt.

"I apologize," Celestia said. "It seems I forgot to mention… you aren't allowed to use magic. It's against tradition."

Wedge raised an eyebrow at her, but said nothing.

I sidestepped away from Cadence and turned to get a better look at her.

It wasn't so much that I'd never noticed that she was attractive as that I'd just never noticed in the context of her being Celestia's niece. Or in context of being about to throw her across a field for target practice. Those together made certain features stand out. I guess you never notice exactly how attractive a mare's face is — or, for that matter, flanks are — until you're about to use her as a living dart. I tried not to stare.

Perfect. I swallowed hard, and reminded myself that Celestia herself was asking me to do this. I wasn't doing anything untoward — I mean, she'd all but told me it was a royal mission. I stepped closer to Cadence and raised one fore hoof, dropped it, then raised the other, dropped that, and began again, starting a nice little cycle of confusion while she stared at me.

After several minutes of this, Wedge stepped closer and cleared his throat. "May I offer some help?" He didn't wait for an answer — from me, or from anyone else, I noted. He took on a slowed tone. "First, you should get closer. Very close. Stand beside her, and put your right hoof under and up on the other side," he said, gesturing as he went.

"Then, you need to lift, and shift the weight back… sort of like this… and you lean back, wind up, and throw."

It took around five seconds after the last word for him to notice the stares he was getting.

He cleared his throat and looked away. "I, er… may have some experience. In this area. Once."

Celestia grinned slightly. "I suppose you do, don't you?"

"That — that was a completely different situation, and you know it perfectly well!"

She continued to smile.

"There was a hydra! It was… it was a sound tactical decision."

She nodded, still smiling.

His face twitched for a few seconds before he regained control of it, and settled back into a neutral expression. He turned to us, and sighed. "So, er… as I explained. Whenever you're ready, Corporal."

I wasn't sure which was more disturbing — the idea of the Captain of the Guard picking Celestia up and sending her hurtling across a room like a javelin, or that she'd apparently enjoyed it — but I didn't have time to wonder at the moment. I pulled myself out of my thoughts and approached Cadence from the side.

After taking a moment to steel myself, I reached under her, and slowly, ever so slowly, picked up on the other side. I tried to lift, and it took a few minutes. If I'd been apprehensive about it before, then whatever I was now that I was actually doing this didn't have a word for it in the dictionary yet — except, maybe, 'awkward.'

Did I mention that she was Celestia's niece? I mentioned that.

In the few seconds it took for my forearm to give out, I realized this throwing arrangement wasn't quite going to work.

Cadence and I dropped to the ground, sending up a plume of dirt. We both coughed for a few seconds, then dragged ourselves to our feet.

Wedge furrowed his brow for a moment, looked over his schedule, then blinked and stood up straighter — if that was possible. "Oh, dear. That was… those were instructions for… ."

Celestia glanced over at him and raised an eyebrow. "Instructions for what, exactly?"

Cadence joined her in staring. I thought about it, but decided against it in favor of not getting fired.

He blushed, and shuffled his papers roughly, dropping a few of them. "Ah… a simple mixup, is all."

Celestia continued to stare for a moment, but said nothing. He cleared his throat, and pulled a sheet of paper from the stack. "I'll, er, read them to you as we go." He clicked his tongue. "Get behind the Princess."

I did it.

"Now, drop to your knees."

I did that, too.

"I want you to crawl underneath Cadence, and — "

really the best way?"

"It's a long-standing part of the tradition. I'm afraid I can't compromise, Cadence." She looked over at me. "If it's any consolation, I'm sure he'll be a perfect gentlecolt."

She paused. "You will, won't you?"

I swallowed. "Yes, ma'am. Uh, Celestia."

Cadence eased some, but continued fidgeting. I backed up a step, just to be safe. After a few long moments, Wedge cleared his throat. "Perhaps the Corporal could close his eyes?"

My face twitched slightly, and I tried to look up at him. I ended up just smacking into Cadence's legs again. "How am I supposed to crawl under her blind?"

"I… er… ."

Celestia said, "He'll direct you, of course."

I opened my mouth, but I had a feeling I wasn't going to get a say in the matter. Before I got a chance, Cadence said, "That does sound a bit better."

Wedge nodded. "Alright, then." He glanced over at me. "Corporal, if you would."

I tried to aim myself in the general direction of her legs, then shut my eyes and started to crawl. I made it a few feet before I started getting directions.

"No, no, you're too far to the right. You're going to knock her over. Move to the left."

I shifted further left, and brushed up against her legs.

"No, no, you're going the wrong way. To the left."

I paused, and tried to figure out which way he meant. "Um, sir? Which left?"

He sighed, and he sounded frustrated. "The other left, Corporal."

Of course. I should've guessed.

I shifted forward, moving slightly the other way from her legs, and tried not to bump into any, er, sensitive parts. About halfway across, she squealed. I stopped, and tried to figure out what it was I'd done.

"Corporal, your, er… your horn. Lower your head."

I dropped my head to the dirt and started up again.

After what felt like a few hours, Wedge gave me the command to stop. I opened my eyes and stood up. Cadence was… actually, much lighter than I'd expected. I managed not to break my legs picking her up, though she squeaked when her hooves left the ground.

Wedge moved out in front of me and gestured toward the target again. "Now, throw, and aim for that target."

I shifted on my hooves for a few seconds, with Cadence sliding around on top of me, though she wasn't in any risk of falling off with her hooves around my neck. With the death-grip she had, I wondered for a moment if this was how I was going to die — strangled while trying to learn how to throw my little sister's babysitter like some kind of javelin. "Er… Captain?"

"Yes?"

"How?"

He scowled for a moment, then his expression cleared. "Oh, of course." He cleared his throat. "First, you need to shift her weight like this — " he paused to mime an awkward sort of lean.

" — and then you need to swivel like this — " he mimed that, too.

" — and then you need to shift your forearms like this — " he did his routine, and… .

And continued on like that for three minutes before he was finished.

When he was finally done, he stood up straight and stared at me. "Any questions?"

I opened and closed my mouth a few times. "Uh…" I racked my mind for a moment, trying to remember the acrobatics. In the meantime, he scowled at me. "I, uh… no, sir."

I spent a minute trying to figure out what motions I'd seen him do, but gave it up as a lost cause. I started off as he instructed — shifting her weight, swiveling, moving my forearms, improvising the fourth motion… after that, I can't remember what all I did. It all became a blurry haze of improvised acrobatics worthy of a circus performer. In the end, I got it done.

It took a few seconds for Wedge to pop back into reality and notice that I'd finished. When he did, he nodded, and waved a hoof at the target. "Now, throw."

It was a good thing he hadn't taken longer — as surprisingly light as Cadence was, I was still struggling not to land on my rump and send her sprawling. I rocked back and lurched forward, moving my hooves out as I did. She left my hooves and sailed out over the pitch just a second before I overbalanced.

I picked myself up from my faceplant position and watched. She hurtled toward the target like an oversized pink javelin with speed I didn't think I could've given her, considering how I'd thrown her. She flew ten, twenty, thirty yards, and with ten yards let between her and the target, I was sure she'd hit it.

I should never think those things.

In just a few seconds, she closed the distance, scraping the bullseye with the tips of her hooves as she passed over it and buried her horn into the solid marble brick with an inch to spare.

After a minute, I chanced a look at Wedge. He glanced from me to Cadence and back again, and from the look on his face, he was deciding whether he should murder me with his bare hooves, or retrieve the wayward princess and use her horn as a lance. "Corporal, what — that — !"

Before he could begin his amateur pony dissection, though, Celestia took a step toward him, her face warning.

He glanced at her for a second, then scowled at me. " — was… a very valiant effort." He sighed. "However… perhaps you could take a bit more effort in aiming next time."

Celestia watched him for a moment more, then stepped away, her brow furrowed. A second later, Cadence vacated her position as a wall decoration and reappeared at her aunt's side. A perturbed-looking noble peered through the hole she'd left, and I caught a glimpse of a punctured bowler hat before his monocle pressed against the hole.

Of course, seeing that, there was only one thing I could do: I smiled and waved.

A second later, Celestia seemed to notice as well, and nodded at him while Cadence put on a nervous smile. Wedge just buried his face in his hoof at the sight.

Hey, I thought I was being polite.

After a painfully long time, the monocled stallion vanished from the hole in the wall, and Wedge sighed. "Perhaps this wasn't the best choice, after all." He took a breath, then glanced over his shoulder. "Celestia, I think it would be best if we moved our, er, exercises elsewhere."

"Are you sure? I think my nephew might be passing through that hall soon."

His face twitched for a moment, as if he wasn't sure whether to scowl or not. Eventually, he decided on scowling. "Yes, I'm quite sure."

Celestia grinned. "If you say so, then. I'll let you take the lead."

He nodded and started off, leaving the hole in the wall for someone else to deal with. I made a mental note to check and see if it was still there the next shift I got a chance, then joined Cadence at the rear. Once again, we fell behind not long after we started walking, and Celestia seemed to be wrapped up in a conversation with the Captain. I decided to take my opportunity.

"Sorry I, uh…" I paused and scratched my neck as I tried to phrase it better than 'sorry I made you into a wall ornament.' "Sorry I missed."

"Oh, I've had worse. It was just an accident. An exciting accident, too." She smiled. "It is sweet of you to apologize, though."

She paused for a moment. "I wonder where we'll be practicing. I'm hoping for the Tower of Harmony. How about you?"

I concentrated for a moment. I knew Twilight had mentioned it before. "The tallest building in the Castle?"

"That's the one."

I stopped and studied the air in front of me for several long moments.

When I was done, I fixed my best smile on my face. "Uh, yeah… yeah. Wouldn't that be great." I ran and fell back into step beside her. "We should, ah, catch up with Celestia. I'm sure they're waiting for us."

She nodded, and hesitated. "I… guess you don't have to shut your eyes this time. As long as you promise to be a gentlecolt about it."

"Um… right. I promise."

We picked up our pace.

About ten minutes of journeying after, we reached the part of the Palace Garden that overlooks the city — a small, clear area on the edge of the hedge maze. I peered over the wall at the edge at the streets. Dozens of marble buildings stretched out below. Through the fog, I could just make out the vague shapes of maybe four dozen ponies in one of the smaller market districts, flowing between buildings, streets, and several garish stalls.

A minute later, Wedge coughed. "Well… whenever you're ready, Corporal."

I glanced over the view again, blinked, and swallowed. An image of a pretty pink pancake came to mind. "Er… you want me to throw her from here toward the garden, right?"

"No, Corporal. Toward the city."

For a moment, I considered laughing. It didn't last.

"You, uh… you're not joking."

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

I shifted. "Er… no, Captain." I glanced over my shoulder at the city. "But… uh… aren't there a lot of, well, marble buildings in the city?"

He stared for a moment. "I assume you had some point in saying that, besides demonstrating your observational skills?"

I forced myself not to scowl. "Er… aren't you concerned the Princess — uh, Cadence might… be… hurt?" I paused a second, then added, "Sir?"

He raised one eyebrow and scowled with the other. "Are you questioning your orders, Corporal?"

"Uh, no, sir, I was just… uh… ."

Dammit. Sticking my hoof in it again. It's the Shining Armor way.

Thankfully, Celestia came to my rescue a second later. "I suppose it is a valid concern." She pursed her lips for a moment.

"Wedge, have you taken down the flight training nets yet?"

"I have not. But," he paused and glanced over at me, "I think, given the Corporal's… aiming record… that perhaps it's not the best idea to rely on them."

"Ah. True." She went quiet. I did my best not to sulk. After a few moments of apparent concentration, she nodded and turned to me. "I think I have an idea. Shining Armor, your sister tells me you're quite skilled with barrier spells."

'Quite skilled' was being quite generous, I thought, considering I'd only ever stopped a few stray books and a rampaging schoolfilly or two with them, but that was Twilight. "Yes, ma'am."

"Then I think that will serve as an excellent solution."

I thought about protesting, but Celestia was apparently done with the conversation. She stepped aside and gestured for me to start.

After taking a moment to collect myself — by which I mean panic, of course — I got into position. We skipped the directed crawl this time, though I kept my eyes on the ground for fear of losing them. I lifted her off the ground and looked to the skyline.

Wedge pointed out a small, vaguely familiar bakery in the city below. I spent almost a minute trying to remember the arcane ritual I'd done the last time, and just as long performing it. When I was done, I did my rock-and-toss motion a second time, and Cadence shot off across the skyline, once again becoming a tiny pink javelin — though hopefully with less impaling this time.

She passed at least a dozen buildings as she went with plenty of momentum to spare. A weather vane came within an inch of giving her racing stripes, and she nearly de-hatted a noblemare sitting out on her balcony with friends, but other than that, I was pretty sure she'd be safe from collisions. Still, I readied my barrier around her just in case.

Once again, I should never think such things.

My first indicator that something had gone wrong was a loud, soft 'thump,' followed shortly by sudden dull pain in my horn. It took a few seconds to recover, and a few more to discover the source. Cadence's… rump stuck out of a hole in the marble brick wall of one of the taller homes, one that looked familiar.

It took me a second to recognize the Twilight family residence.

For a few seconds, the silence was deafening.

Cadence vanished from the hole in the wall and reappeared next to me, leaving a tiny lavender shape in her place. I waved, turned back to the garden, and blinked.

"Uh… Cadence, what — "

She lifted the copy of The Art of the Throwing Weapon for Amateurs: All You Ever Wanted To Know About Javelin-Tossing But Never Cared to Ask: Volume II from her face, and set it aside at the base of one of the marble statues before looking up at me. "Twilight thought you might need some help. She asked me to say 'hi' for her, by the way."

"Uh… huh." I scratched at my forearm. "Wonder why she might've thought that."

Several long seconds went by in silence.

"Uh, Cadence?"

"Hm?"

"You, ah…" I gestured with one hoof. "You've got some mortar on your muzzle."

"Oh." She lifted a hoof and wiped off the offending construction material.

The minutes stretched on in silence. It was probably around five. At the time, it felt like about twenty, if I was being conservative. Nobody dared to say anything — though, I probably would've, if I could've thought of anything.

Finally, after I'd started speculating internally about the kind of execution I'd get, Celestia broke it for me. "Well, they say the third time's the charm."

Wedge glanced at her sideways. "Er… are you sure that's wise, Your Highness?"

Celestia pulled a look of mock-indignation. "Are you questioning my wisdom, Captain Wedge?"

"Never. I simply thought…" he paused and winced, "perhaps the young princess has had enough training for one day?"

Celestia glanced over at her. "Cadence?"

She blinked slightly, as if she hadn't expected the question, but then almost smiled. "Nothing's broken yet."

The look Wedge gave screamed, 'but the day's not over yet.' Celestia missed it, though. "In that case, shall we?"

He shifted. "Even still… perhaps we should take some extra precautions?"

She raised an eyebrow. "I suppose it can't hurt." She glanced at me. "Shining Armor, do you have any ideas?"

I thought about it for a minute as the two stared. Celestia looked thoughtful. The Captain looked like he'd just entered a clown convention featuring an Ursa Minor on a ball juggling a Kindergarten class. For a second, I racked my brain trying to puzzle out what she expected. When it hit me, I grinned, though that might've been less satisfaction and more childish delight at the march of expressions on Wedge's face. "I think I might."

She smiled slightly, and nodded.

"I was thinking, maybe she could borrow my helmet?" I paused. "I mean, since she keeps running into walls."

The last part, I didn't need to say. I really didn't. Wedge coughed, and gave himself a light smack on the forehead.

What can I say? It's a gift.

Celestia didn't seem to mind, though. "An excellent idea. I think it fits well with the purpose of the tradition, don't you?"

Wedge didn't appear to agree, but he nodded anyway.

"Cadence, do you trust him to have taken care of it?"

She grinned. "I suppose I could do that."

Celestia nodded to me. "Well, I think that's your cue."

I stepped closer to Cadence and tried to return her smile. It was a nice smile, warm and inviting. My own was closer to a grimace, I think — but, hey, they say it's the thought that counts. I took off my chin strap and eased the helmet over her horn slowly, trying not to bump it.

It was about three-fourths of the way down that I realized it was too big for her.

I could tell by the way it covered her eyes when I dropped it the rest of the way by accident.

"You should probably, uh… push it up a little."

She chose not to answer that, which, I think, made me lucky by my standards. She adjusted it for a few moments until I could finally see her eyes again, then started to fumble with the strap. "I, uh… I'll get that for you."

I pulled it as tight as it could go, leaving a respectable inch or two between the strap and her actual chin.

Wedge narrowed his eyes as my helmet dipped over her eyes. "Celestia, are you sure that's going to help?"

She glanced over at him. "Is there some reason I should doubt it?"

He glanced at the hole and shook his head. "Never mind."

"Shall we, then?"

For just a second, I forget where I was. I hurried after Cadence and prepared to do the arcane dance for a third time.

Wedge cleared his throat. "Perhaps it might be a good idea to stand closer to the edge, to better see the city?"

And, of course, with the implied "and maybe not demolish part of a building with Cadence's skull." I wasn't sure whether to kick him, or sit in silent shame. I decided on the second — it usually works out better for me.

Celestia nodded. "Perhaps that would be a good idea. Shining Armor?"

So this time, we took our ritual to about a yard from the edge. It was going a lot smoother this time, except for when I nearly dropped her over the side.

Somewhere behind and to my left, I heard a page turn. Celestia cleared her throat. "Shining Armor?"

I halted mid-rock and fought to right myself without dropping Cadence. Standing on two legs is harder than you'd think. "Uh, yes, Celestia?"

"Your left hoof is too far forward on the ground."

I opened and closed my mouth, but pulled my hoof back anyway.

"That's better."

I sighed, rocked back, and flung. Celestia clapped politely as her niece streaked off across the skyline like a pink-and-gold-ish rocket, while Wedge fidgeted, his face screwed up in what I guess was concentration.

Just after she hit the air, Wedge seemed to snap out of his thoughts. "Ah, Princess Cadence! Your wings!"

On cue, her wings popped out and sent her into a glide — a very fast glide that could still put her through a wall, but a glide, still.

Celestia frowned — the first time I think I'd ever witnessed it — and turned to Wedge. "It doesn't quite fit the tradition of trust, does it?"

He scowled slightly, and for the next few seconds, they held a conversation without words. I don't — and didn't — read lips. About halfway through, though, Wedge shot a confused look at me. I waved. He scowled.

When they were done, Celestia straightened up, her frown gone. "I suppose as long as she only glides on them, then."

A second later, she blinked, and I remembered I wasn't watching. I turned around.

Cadence glided over a bank halfway across the city like a neon kite, still rocketing on.

"I think she's past a hundred yards."

Wedge swallowed. "Oh, dear."

For a second, I felt a burst of sympathy for him. In my imagination, we were both seeing the same image — death by Princess, in some form or another. Mine involved being used as a dart. I didn't think it was polite to ask him about his, so I just imagined a windmill falling on him.

She streaked on through the sky, nearly beheading a bemonocled stallion on a balcony, slowing now.

Celestia said, "I'm sure she'll be fine."

I tried to believe that. I did.

My faith wavered when Cadence clipped a weather vane with her wing.

She swerved left and dipped, and for one heart-stopping second, I thought she might splatter on the side of Serpentine & Sons Stoneworks. Thankfully, she corrected herself in time, averting any accidental princess-splattering for the moment, and faster than I would have expected for never having seen her fly. I'm reasonably sure the building came out of it minus a few inches of stonework, though.

It was just my luck, then, that there was another building right next door, and she was aimed at its window. Also my luck, it wasn't open.

I panicked and rammed as much energy through my horn as I could. After a second, my barrier materialized, and with the ease of it, I had the slightest feeling I'd had some help.

A second later, there was a distant crack of glass, and Cadence vanished from the skyline.

I stared at the empty hole where the window had been for a few long, silent seconds, wondering how glass compared to stone for princess stopping power. At five seconds after the impact, I decided to say a silent prayer to Celestia — either incredibly inappropriate or a really great idea, considering the circumstances.

When I was done, I opened my eyes, and had to blink a couple times to make sure what I was seeing was real.

"Cadence! You, uh… you look good."

I decided to leave out "for just having smashed through a window."

She stayed silent for a moment, apparently still collecting herself. I spent that moment frantically wracking my brain for something to do other than wait, and fortunately, something presented itself. I noticed a figure leaning out of the window out of the corner of my eye, turned to him, and waved.

I could almost feel Wedge slamming his hoof against his face behind me, but it didn't stop me.

Just as I put my hoof down, Cadence snapped out of wherever she was, squealed, and clapped her hooves on the ground.

I blinked and stared at her. "You alright?"

"Better. Did you see me pass that building?!" She grinned. "Do you think we can do that again? I think that's the best flight I've had in weeks."

After a second, her grin faded. "I hope Caesar is alright, though. That's the second time this month."

I opened and closed my mouth a few times before grasping for the first response that made sense. "Yeah, me, too." I paused. "Wait. Second time?"

"I hope he remembers to stay away from the glass this time."

I coughed. "This time?"

"Oh, right. Well, I…" she hesitated and blushed. "It's not the first time I've crashed through his window."

I stared.

"It's harder than it looks to steer when you fly."

I didn't quite know how to respond to that, somehow. Thankfully, I didn't have to. Celestia broke the silence for me. "I suppose I should address the owner." She turned to the edge, and paused. "I'd appreciate it if you'd wait here."

As if we had any other plans — but I said okay, anyway.

With that, she vanished, and reappeared an instant later inside the newly ventilated window.

The silence returned. I cast around for something to say. It took me a minute.

"So, uh, do you crash through windows often?"

"Not so much anymore."

That declaration made, the silence rolled over us again. Naturally, I had to think of something else to talk about. The environment wasn't making it easy — I could see a few potential topics around, but asking her how many roof tiles she thought she'd shaved off the First Equestrian Bank didn't seem like the best conversation starter, even for me.

A weather vane snapped and slid off a rooftop, tumbling down into the street.

"You, uh… you really clipped that thing, didn't you?"

She raised an eyebrow at me, almost smiling. "I had a little help."

I fidgeted and grinned back. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess you did."

She didn't say anything for a while. She continued not saying anything for a while. I just sat and glanced around, hoping something would come to me. It didn't.

After a few long moments, I took a breath. "Looks like it's gonna be nice and sunny today. Good thing it's not raining anymore, huh?"

Sweet Celestia, I was talking about the weather.

Cadence stared at me. "Raining?"

It took me a few minutes to remember that it hadn't actually rained today. Or the day before. Or three days ago. "Uh, yeah, after, after… all that rain we had last week."

She continued staring for a few more seconds, and looked back toward the window. I decided not to interrupt this time.

It was hard to see past Celestia's Royal Rear, but it didn't look like we'd broken anything besides the window. I guess that was a good sign. I couldn't see the owner, but it didn't sound like he was too upset — but then, all I could hear were some vaguely non-threatening noises from that general direction.

After what felt like several hours, they seemed to finish. I'm pretty sure they were finished, anyway, considering Celestia decided to materialize just a few inches away from my face.

I retreated to a safe distance, and it took me a minute to realize she was smiling. That worried me.

It only took me a second to recover this time — I think it must've been a record for me. "So, so, uh… how'd it go?"

"He was slightly upset at first, but once I explained it was for a royal mission, he was more than happy to make the sacrifice."

Wedge cleared his throat. "As should we all be."

Celestia turned to Cadence. "He was also interested to know if you would still be dropping in on his ball this weekend."

She hesitated. "I'd like to, but I'm not sure that I should, considering."

"Are you sure? Caesar seems to feel very amicable about the window." Celestia smiled. "And you could make quite an entrance."

Her lips twitched. "I guess I could."

"Probably best to open the window first."

Cadence opened and closed her mouth, then nodded vaguely.

"And, Shining Armor?"

I could almost hear her next words, I thought.

"I look forward to working with you as the new Captain of the Royal Guard."

I hadn't.

For the second time that day, Wedge and I had a meeting of the minds. "What?"

"What?!"

Cadence said nothing, but shuffled her hooves a bit.

"And," Celestia said, "such an occasion deserves an equal celebration. I just so happen to have reservations for two at the Gourmane, and I'm sure I can have them transferred to your name."

I screwed up my face — not because it helped me think, but because it made sure everyone around knew I was thinking, and not just speaking. "Uh, I'm honored, Your Celestianess… but why would I want to go there?" I paused. "And why would I need two?"

"Well, it is only just that such an occasion — and such a fine young lady — should be treated so well." She paused. "If she should agree, of course."

Cadence smiled slightly. "I wouldn't mind."

I sat and thought about that for a moment.

"You're setting me up with Cadence?"

Celestia was quiet for a moment. "Are you objecting?"

I shook my head firmly. "It's just… do they serve clover there?" I paused, and my lips twitched. "Or, uh, donuts?"