Chapter 1: Shit Hits the Fan
Chapter 1: Shit hits the fan.
One fine day in the not so magical land of Humania, the humans were once again milling around like chickens. Thinking back the human race had been a typical civilisation at its heart, having forged their legacy in blood and cold steel… now however they just pissed about on Facebook and sent dick picks to strangers, which was innocent enough. But today a divine power had had it up to here with the human races bullshit.
Suddenly the humans were snapped out of their chicken milling stupor when the heavens quite literally opened to reveal none other than god himself in all his divine glory, with lots of explosions and shit in the background for added effect.
''I AM GOD HIMSELF''
he said rather redundantly since everyone kind of guessed who he was since culturally speaking everyone knows that god resides in heaven and no one but god would have such a kick-ass entrance.
''YOU HUMANS ARE THE SINGLE MOST EVIL SPECIES I HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF CREATING'' he boomed, ''HOW DARE YOU CREATE SUCH HORRIFIC THINGS AS CURES FOR CANCER OR CHARITABLE ORGANISATIONS OR TRY TO, GOD FORBIT HA HA DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE, 'BETTER YOURSELVES' '' he said with blatant abuse of the caps lock button.
But god did not stop there, he was in a rage and also the author needs to use him as a literal deus ex machina to get across their own political or social bias/views under the thin façade of a deity, the mere fact they used a god to portray themselves says a lot about them IRL don't you think??
''BUT ENOUGH BREAKING OF THE FOURTH WALL'' said god for he can sees all, including into this story as its happening ''I REALISE YOU HUMANS HAVE DONE SOME GOOD THINGS, LIKE GOING TO WAR ALL THE TIME AND KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE, BUT HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CREATE MACHINES AND ADVANCE TECHNOLOGY TO ENHANCE YOUR LIVES AND GIVE PEOPLE BRIGHER FUTURES, YOUR JUST SO SELFISH JEEZ'' god continued, his unfounded yet rage-y verbal assault reaching its apex.
''b-but we thought that all of those bad things you stated were actually good things'', the humans said ''we realise we haven't always been the best people, but we constantly try to better ourselves, and for every dictator or murder in the world there is always a good soul waiting to help those in need'' said a filthy pariah of a human.
‘‘THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD HAVE EXPECTED YOU TO SAY, YOU HUMANS ARE COMPULSIVE LIARS. OF COURSE YOU'D TRY AND SPIN ALL THOSE NASTY THINGS ON THEIR HEAD TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE YOU WERE ACTUALLY GOOD PEOPLE'' god retorted.
''So basically we can't win whatever we say'' another dirty scum-bag of a peasant stated while administering the cure for HIV and or AIDS into a victim thus saving his life so that his children could still have a father.
''Exactly'' said god, tired of using the all caps just to convey the idea that he had a big booming voice. ''Well fear not, as I have the final solution to all of the human races problems'' god continued
''You shall all be turned into ponies, for that seems like the only logical course of action''.
Not quite Chapter 2: The bureau.
An so it was that god employed a workforce of despicable humans to build the glorious machine that was infinite in its complexity and also required a lot of coding, once completed it was able to covert humans into the far superior equines via a process of pseudo-scientific bullshit which the author will come up with along the way. The contraption was known to the humans who feared it, and the ponies who welcomed it as Generalzoi's pony creator, all day and night humans were fed into the creator, which produced an endless supply of bad OC's with garish red and black colours (with the occasional alicorn thrown in for good measure) which will be useful when I write a million spin-off fics about said characters and how the humans have mistreated them.
Not quite Chapter 2: The bureau Part 2 – The do-ening.
It is at this point dear readers that we are introduced to our main protagonist Lionel Johnathan Richard Andrew McDougal, or Specky McDouchebag to his severely limited number of friends. Being Irish (if you couldn’t tell from the name) he had very pasty white skin with a ginger beard and a jewfrow despite the fact he was not of Jewish decent he just thought it looked cool, a fedora also adorned his head atop the fro featuring black velvet with the words mi ’lady engraved onto its front. He naturally weighed around 280 pounds making him a rather portly fellow, this being customary when insulting the male fans of the show as it fits right in with the stereotype. He had lived his entire life in the United States born and raised in the beautiful land of opportunity that was America, every morning he would awake to the cool fresh air entering his cabin with beautiful strands of sunlit dust gently falling across his face. Specky slowly stirred from his slumber, sluggishly rising from the bed as it creaked having been relieved of his weight. Drawing the curtains and looking out he saw an incredible sunrise, just fully revealed from the horizon and casting a silk shadow across the nearby forest he looked down upon, their orange leaves a sign of the coming autumn. Specky slowly began to whisper, totally in awe of the beautiful countryside of Michigan, “I’m proud to be an American where at least-” He stopped, eyes wide, suddenly remembering what day it was. “Oh fuck America I almost forgot” Specky stated abruptly, his mind snapping back to reality. The scene before him faded as he remembered he didn’t live in rural Michigan at all but actually lived in the eternally shit city of Detroit. But all that random patriotic bullshit aside it was the day Specky had been waiting anxiously for, six months ago he was given a ticket and queued for a place in Generalzoi's pony creator. Finally a chance to get away from these horrendous humans and their bigotry. As you may be able to tell at this point Specky is a proud and humble social justice warrior, fighting the good fight (from his perspective at least) and doing his best to hold back the tide of shit the human race was constantly spewing forth. But no more, finally Lionel could start a new and no longer be called Specky McDouchebag, finally he could make a new name for himself and start a fresh existence in the clearly not in any way flawed equestrian nation.
So he set out, tumbler in one hand, badly drawn OC he wanted to look like once converted in the other towards the conversion bureau, ready to start a new, ready for anything the world could throw at him. Anything except the ten ton semi that was going Mach 10 down the road just as Specky was feet away from the entrance to the Pony creator. The truck hit its mark and Specky went down, conveniently cutting the story short just after the author managed to reach the 1000 word minimum for their story to be posted to FimFiction… But I digress. Specky lay there, covered in Cheeto dust and blood, the former only present for the sole purpose of playing to a stereotype just to take the piss basically. In his final moments ponies along with Twilight Sparkle the leader of the Bureau began to run out from the facility to see if there was anything they could do to help.
"Sir, are you ok?" Twilight said, her violet eyes glistening with tears at the thought of a potential and willing pony missing out on the heaven that was Equestria. The world slowed as Specky stared into twilight's eyes, her beauty surpassed only by the extreme pain associated with terminal organ failure.
"All I wanted was to visit Equestria and leave this evil place behind" Specky said,
"It's ok specky, how would you like to meet my friends" Twilight said, trying to appease this disgusting creature she pitied in its time of need,
"It would make my day, it's all I've ever longed for" Specky said wistfully, still quite conscious of the extreme blood loss and plethora of other injuries he had recently acquired.
And so Twilight's horn flared as she teleported away in a brilliant flash of stereotypical teleportation description. After what felt like eons to Specky (it was actually only about 25 seconds) Twilight returned with her five Iconic friends for the obligatory human in Equestria story meet and greet.
Despite lying prostrate on the ground our rugged hero looked around, eyes coming into contact with the first in the line of ponies.
The first was Pinkie Pie, her bright blue eyes, bouncy mane and tail with a glossy pink sheen stood before him. Specky knew her well in spite of never having occasion to meet her in person as the ponies normally resided in their own world, save for twilight and the staff of the pony creator. While it's debated ADHD is over-diagnosed now-a-days there is no doubt Pinke unequivocally possesses the affliction. However she was slightly more subdued than usual, toning it down a notch in light of the present situation though she was still smiling, a kind smile, a far cry from her usual 'that pony is probably high on something' smile.
Next in line was Applejack, the farm pony being your average run of the mill country hick with the one trait setting her apart from every other country hick, her ability to tell the truth (and her having a sense of personal hygiene and an exercise routine... this list could continue)
Rainbow Dash was the next pony Specky set eyes on, he had always fancied himself a sporty type of person (though he really, really wasn't. Opinions of ones self can be quite deceiving). Specky looked her over, her brazen personality shone though in her posture and presence in the scene, magenta eyes complimented her incredibly bright flowing rainbow mane, her athletic body, toned muscles, shapely flank...
...anyway, Specky thought, moving swiftly on...
Next on the checklist was Fluttershy, her timid demeanor was reflected in her inability to make proper eye contact with him for more than a few seconds, though her instinct was to help injured animals, he was a new creature to her, and besides, would you want to touch this guy? But Fluttershy knew it was too late and so was content just to bring him some joy in seeing her in the flesh. She was indeed radiant, thought Specky, here eye obscured by a cute curled lock of hair that trailed its way down her leg to the pool around her hoof on the floor akin to a drunk pissing themselves if indeed their urinary tract terminated in their forehead.
k, who haven't I done, said the author, Oh yes. last and most certainly least was Rarity, true to her name Specky had never seen such refined beauty in all his life before and indeed after since his life was terminating promptly. He had however seen her before, she worked with Twilight at the pony creator, her unique ability to deflect the spaghetti radiation discharged from making the black and red OC's in the pony creator made her the perfect pony for the job. He had always admired her from afar but had never gotten the courage to make a more towards meeting her.
"Hi girls" Specky tried to say in a crap imitation of Twilight's crazy voice in a failed attempt to break the ice, the jokes reception was rather frosty and the mane 6 simply gave it the cold shoulder, leaving Specky embarrassed and no less socially awkward. But, to his surprise Rarity stepped forward. In a HUGE twist of fate which the reader in no way saw coming rarity had actually secretly been eyeing Specky from a distance as a secret admirer, why that was is beyond me but I'm not one to judge.
"Mr McDouchebag" she said, eyelids fluttering.
"Please" Specky said in yet another failed attempt to look cool since his real name doesn't lend itself to being cool anymore than Specky does, "Call me Lionel"
Rarity was taken aback but continued her advance, clearly just as nervous as Specky but not quite as awkward. Specky had plenty of practice with many failed attempts at playing it smooth and he assumed if luck were shining upon him (it wasn't) then this time would be different and despite him being dead he could at least say he was loved by someone before he went on his eternal journey into the unknown.
"Rarity I-" Specky started, but was stopped by Rarity's hoof, slamming into his face with a slightly more than necessary force.
"Shhhh, its ok my Awkward pebble" she said, adopting a really quite sickening lovey dovey name for him, "I've always loved you from afair, but now... Now we can be together for all eternity. You see, it was me who drove the Semi over you all along, I intended to kill myself along with you in so we could be together forever and no one else could have you".
"But, Rarity" said Specky "no one else wanted me anyway, surely we could've both lived happily without you having to kill m-"
again a hoof to the upper lip silenced him.
"Shhh its ok, you're getting delusional from the lack of blood" she said. "I just wish we may seal our love with a simple kiss"
Time slowed for everyone as Rarity moved in for the kiss, her lips pursed mirroring Specky's. She came in close, just Inches away from his pie hole, almost there now thought Specky, the idea of their lips pressed together made him feel alive again, he felt like he could climb mountains, maybe even recover from his current situation...
Suddenly a horn blared, the Semi truck Rarity stole from some random guy was careening towards the two star crossed lovers, rarity simply closed her eyes and Specky cursed at not being able to kiss as the truck smashed full force into the mismatched pair sending Rarity sprawling over the road and re-crushing for good measure Specky.
“EGADS!” said a black and red OC with a top hat and, presumably a British stereotype because those people are funny right? “We gots to ‘elp ‘im so we do!” he exclaimed but alas it was too late. In a really shitty adaptation of Shakespear's Romeo and Juliet both the lovers were on their death beds...
With his final few breaths Lionel ‘Specky McDouchebag’ Johnathan Richard Andrew McDougal uttered his last, with a final dying breath he chuckled and said “Fox news, ‘fair and balanced’ heh, what a load of shit” and with that he died and the whole fuck off trilogy of stories ended early much to the relief of everyone reading, little did they know sequels and spin offs were just around the bend…
Fin(land)
Author's Note
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