The Heralds of the Apocalypse... We Think.

by Dropbear

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Changelings, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 31942

Two completely different humans. a country full of ponies and a doomsday cult. What can possibly go wrong?

A collab with KaBar41 with him writing his character Dante.

Two completely different humans. a country full of ponies and a doomsday cult. What can possibly go wrong?

A US Marine who grew up on a horse farm and an irresponsible soldier from a space-faring civ find themselves in Equestria. That's right, one of those Mondays.

Follow them as they try to survive the ponies, guards keen to arrest them for disturbing the peace and most importantly each other. Oh, and there's also a doomsday cult after them as well. Will they make it back home? Will the Marine be able to resist shooting his companion? Will Nigel be able to resist attacking everything that angers him? Will the insidious group of H.O.R.S.E bring about the end of the world?

Who knows? We sure don't.

Published 2014-04-02 01:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-24 23:15:03 UTC

Monday

Monday

I ran, I never stopped. I could hear their feet falling on the ground just like mine. The fuckers ambushed my platoon and I was forced to bug out. I had lost my M4 in the initial confusion, right after they hit the LAV with an RPG and started peppering us with AK fire. I now only had my M9 and my KaBar.

I paused to take a breather in the alleyway, I think I lost them. Fucking Taliban. I peered around the corner of the small… hut. My platoon was making our way through a medium sized Afghan village, we were supposed to be acting as deterrents, but then they hit us. Hard and quick.

Yeah… there’s no way I’m getting through. The Taliban had apparently set up road blocks, this being one of them. At least twenty to thirty Taliban, along with technicals. I slink my head back, I could make it out of the village and to the safety of the bush, the only problem was the solid wall of houses blocking me.

I make a risky decision, there is a house adjacent to me, I could kick down the door and rush through, but I had no guarantee there was another door on the other side. I suppose I could always make another door, mousehole my way through. Blow a hole in the wall and crawl through.

Fuck it, I’m not going to survive long in this town anyway.

I get ready to bust the door down, tensing my muscles, I lift my leg and kick.

However, as soon as the door is down, I see an afghan going for his rifle. Another AK, I’m getting sick of these things. He manages to grab the rifle, I start rushing him, there’s at three meters between him and I. He manages to nearly aim it at my chest, before I grab the barrel and force it down. His finger pulls the trigger, and while I was expecting it to go: bang bang. It instead went: bang click.

I couldn’t help but smirk to myself, it failed to fire, rare in an AK, but not impossible. I throw a left hook at the afghan, his head jerks back. Not my strongest hit, but enough for him to feel pain. I jerk on the rifle, and the fact that he had just been shocked by the hit was enough for me to wrench it out of his grasp.

I kick the afghan in the stomach, forcing him to the ground. I grab the pistol grip of the AK with my left hand, and reaching my right around, I clear the dud by pulling the action back. I shoot the afghan once in the chest.

I have got to get the fuck out of here. No doubt the roadblock heard me, and lucky me. There is a door to the outside of the village.

Not bothering to stop and open it, I kick it down as well.

There, my ticket to freedom, or at least relative safety. The bush, near a mountainside close to the village.

I run to it, as quickly as I can. I reach it, and as soon as I do, I keep running. The afghans, they know the bush, you can’t lose them easily in it, but it’s much easier to lose them in here, than in their own village.

I ran for minutes, until something annoying happened. I didn’t see it, as it was nearly covered, and I ran right into a deep dark hole.

I blacked out when I hit what I think was the bottom. Brilliant.

A figure stumbled out of a darkened room, the movements jerky like that of a zombie. A low groan pierced the silence of the teleporter chamber as the figure entered the light and the form was revealed.

Nigel M Chalmers held onto his mug of coffee as he stepped into the Internal Security Agency teleporter located in the base’s transport bay. It was Monday and he was due on board the United Imperium of Planets Naval ship the UIPN Tyrannus. He stared down at the coffee in his hand, debating whether he should bother removing his helmet to take a sip now. Nah, too much effort. He’d wait until he’d arrived on the Cruiser, commandeered a comfortable chair and then and only then would he partake in his beverage.

Wearing a full suit of powered-armour to bed was useful as you didn’t have to get dressed in the morning but an enclosed helmet did restrict coffee consumption. He couldn’t care right now, the sooner he got this crap over with the sooner he could go back to bed. Why he was even needed to oversee these pointless military exercises he hadn’t been told. Maybe the Captain would let him blow something up?

“I hate bloody Mondays,” Nigel muttered as with a black-armoured hand he entered in the co-ordinates that his heads-up-display was telling him. He was still suffering from the effects of only an hours sleep however and instead of using his free hand he attempted to enter the destination with the mug of coffee.

Predictably this did not work and the console was slathered in his freshly-brewed coffee. Nigel ignored the sparking console and instead stared in shock at the brown puddle growing on the floor. He lifted the mug to his helmet optics, finding that not one drop was left. As a blue glow started to built in the chamber the white mug shattered on the floor as Chalmers raised his fists to the ceiling.

“Damn you Monda-”

Nigel was cut off as the teleporter activated, his menacing armoured form vanishing as he was sent to his co-ordinates.

On the still sparking console however there were no co-ordinates, the screen blank except for a message stating ‘Out of order, please contact your system administrator.’

I woke up, with someone shouting English in my ear. I slowly open my eyes, only to be greeted by the oddest sight, a very colorful… equine? Was shouting at me, and I was surrounded by, what was this? Cabbage? Yeah, definitely cabbage. What was I doing in a cabbage cart and why was a colorful equine yelling at me? I lift myself up, and pull myself over the edge of the cart. The equine was oddly proportioned, with extremely large eyes and a short muzzle. I’m finally paying enough attention to hear what it’s saying.

“And further more! What are you doing just randomly appearing in ponies carts? Huh! What do you have to say for yourself?” Pony? This sounds like a female.

Calmly reaching over the side of the cart, I retrieved my AK and my Kevlar helmet that had fallen off into the cart.

After fixing the helmet onto my head, I sling the AK over my shoulder. I turn to the mare, she’s definitely female, and said an apology.

“I apologize ma’am but I must be going.” And I quickly hightailed it out of there.

I walked around for a bit, this city looked eerily similar to Manhattan. And these… ponies looked to be subsets of the Shetland pony. It’s, odd. They’re a bit smaller than a Shetland, coming in at about three and a half feet.

I keep walking, this is really odd. Am I dead? I pinched myself, no, I can feel it. So I’m not dead.

Wait a minute, is that what I think it is? It looks like a… Human. It’s got to be, it’s the only other biped here.

He’s just standing there, wearing some sort of black armour, as well as being helmeted. He turned his head. Yeah, his helmeted head is in my direction, he’s just staring, and with no face, it’s more creepy than it normally would be.

Why won’t he stop staring?

The Manehatten female bathroom flashed with a blue glow as a large biped was deposited into one of the empty cubicles. Landing heavily the armoured ISA agent crushed a porcelain toilet under his bulk. Water sprayed out of the broken pipe and covered his armour as Nigel tried to figure out just what had happened.

His loss of his coffee was forgotten as he examined his surrounds, something was definitely out of place.

‘This isn’t a teleportation bay,’ he thought as he struggled to his feet. The walls of the stall buckled as he placed his armoured hands against the sides to help him up. Now that he was upright everything seemed smaller and unsuited for the majority of the species in the UIP. After a few moments to figure out that teleporters must not like having coffee baths he deduced that there had been a malfunction and that he had been transported to a bathroom somewhere on the planet. A bathroom for midgets apparently.

Figuring that standing around getting and drenched in toilet water was not productive to getting to where he needed to be Nigel walked out of the stall. The door was already open and no-one else was around the small area. Three mirrors above three sinks were on the left tiled wall while the three stalls including the one that Nigel had just destroyed. Spotting the wooden door in front of him that he assumed led to the outside, Nigel strolled towards it and pushed it open.

He stepped out into a street filled with multi-coloured ponies walking around a busy market place. Nigel stopped and stared at the strange creatures as they did the same to him. The… ponies all had extremely large eyes that were locked on him and soon the entire crowd had him in their sights as they froze.

Whispers rose up as they continued to stare at him while Nigel tried to figure out what to do. He hadn’t heard of any equine inhabitants of the UIP so he was likely on another planet.

Wonderful.

Seeing as he had already been detected he resorted to the number one stealth rule of the ages: If you’re found out, act like you’re meant to be there and everyone else would think the same thing.

Taking the advice to heart Nigel waved, smiled under his helmet and pointed to the clear blue sky.

“Awful nice weather we’re having today,” he commented which only increased the whispers with a few of the ponies looking at him in surprise.

“Why were you in the female bathroom?” a mare with a coat the colour of teal questioned. Nigel turned his head to look behind him and indeed found that the sign above the door depicted a pony that seemed more feminine than the sign next to it that was above another door. Chalmers faced the ponies again and shrugged.

“Eh, technically I’m not a pony so I really didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe you should update your signs to include humans as well.” This didn’t get the response he was aiming for and the crowd didn’t get humor he intended. Subconsciously he moved his right hand to his side but then remembered that he had left his gun in his room. There goes plan A which was fire a warning shot and then run away in the confusion. He didn’t want to find out what it was like to be buried underneath a crowd of angry pastel ponies.

Falling back on his experience and skills he used plan B: Create a distraction and then leg it.

“Look over there!” he cried as he pointed a finger towards a random high-rise. “It’s an elephant, run for your lives!” His ploy worked as the ponies all turned to face the building allowing him an opening to make his stealthy getaway.

Stealth ,however, was never Nigel’s forte and so he decided to just head to the right where the least amount of ponies were located. He strolled quickly away from the scene without realising that a stand of toilet paper was stuck to his right boot. The ponies who had been tricked looked back at the retreating biped, muttered a few words and then all went back to the hustle and bustle of city life.

Nigel meanwhile was met with more stares as he attempted to navigate the crowded streets. he passed stores and cafes buzzing with activity before he noticed another bipedal figure walking towards him. He stopped, red optics locked on the figure wearing primitive armour with a desert-camouflage pattern. The other human was holding an old type of ballistic firearm and appeared to be just as confused as he was about the situation. The way that the surrounding equines were looking at the other human clued him in that their race was not that common around these parts.

The figure’s eyes were hidden behind a pair of shades while his skin was slightly tanned. The figure noticed him and stopped dead in his tracks as Nigel continued to examine him. The tide of equines flowed around the two as they stood off against each other, none willing to make a move.

Dante and the large, black biped continued to stare at eachother. As Dante scanned over the newcomer he took in what he assumed was armour covering the creature and tried to gauge what sort of threat it could be. As if colourful ponies were not enough now he also had to contend with a being that looked like it had arrived out of a badly-written sci-fi. The other biped seemed to be unarmed but Dante was unsure if twenty-seven 7.62mm rounds would be enough to drop it if it was hostile.

After a few moments of observing the figure warily Dante noticed that all of the ponies also seemed to be giving the other biped a wide berth. Maybe the armoured figure was just alien to this planet as he was? Moving slowly and making sure that he kept his AK holstered and his movements non-threatening Dante edged forward towards the other figure. He figured that if the creature turned out to be a human wearing a futuristic suit of armour then maybe it would have some idea of what exactly was going on. As he approached the other figure started forward as well, the two meeting in the middle.

“So,” Dante started as the armoured biped stared down at him with an extra full head of height. “I take it you aren't from around here either?” The armoured being made a show of looking around the crowd of ponies surrounding them.

“What gave it away, the fact that I’m the only other one walking on two legs or did you come to that conclusion based on how I am also the only other one apart from you who is wearing pants?” Dante frowned, he didn’t need to be so rude about it.

“Well sorry, I guess being sent to a planet where all the Shetland ponies talk and run a city after falling into a hole during a war and then crashing into a cabbage stand doesn’t make for a good day. Can you honestly tell me that having that happen to you wouldn’t put you in a bad mood?” The armoured figure hesitated before answering.

“I teleported into a public restroom. A female, public restroom. Do you have any idea how hard it is to pretend like you meant to do that?” Dante shook his head, this was going to go nowhere.

“Look,” he replied as he dragged a gloved-hand down his face in exasperation. “You don’t want to be here and I don’t want to be here. Do you have any clue as to how we can possibly get back to where we came from?” Dante waited for a reply as the biped rubbed his helmet’s chin while he thought. Hums of deep consideration emanated from the figure while Dante started to get annoyed with the lack of response.

“No,” the biped answered finally. “Unless of course we somehow build a time machine.”

“... And how would that help?” Dante asked prompting a shrug from the other guy.

“Dunno, but at least we’d have a time machine.”

“You know what?” Dante said as he swept his hands out in front of him. “Let’s just start again. Corporal Dante McClure of the United State Marine Corps.” Dante reached out a hand for a shake. The armoured figure looked down at the offered limb before meeting it with his own. Dante didn’t flinch as the metal digits clenched around his hand exerting a considerate force.

“Commander Nigel M Chalmers of the Internal Security Agency Division of the United Imperium of Planets. No relation to the Imperium of Man, those guys are arseholes.”

“So Commander Nigel M Chalmers of the Internal Security Agency Division of the United Imperium of Planets No Relation To the Imperium of Man Those Guys Are Arseholes, are you human?”

“Close enough to one,” came the reply. Dante nodded, the two not really knowing what else to say.

“Nice Weather we’re having?” Chalmers tried with a shrug. Dante hummed in agreement as the two glanced up at the sky. It was right at that time that a group of pegasi flew over their heads. Dante muttered under his breath at his terrible luck while Nigel merely watched them fly away.

“Huh, flying ponies. I bet the scientists would just love to cut a few of them up.” The Commander looked down to the AK-47 on Dante’s back. “That’s a quaint little ballistic rifle you have there.” Dante looked back and un-holstered the weapon while keeping it pointed to the ground.

“This? It’s just an AK-47. I lost my M4 when I was back on Earth and some Sheethead blindsided me. It jammed though and after I dealt with him I relieved him of it. He wasn’t going to need it anymore anyway.”

“You killed him with his own gun?” Nigel casually inquired much to the shock of the surrounding ponies who froze and stared at the two. Dante turned the AK over in his hand.

“Yeah, it is war after all.” Chalmers leaned forward as Dante said this and whispered into the soldier’s ear.

“We might want to think about moving.” Dante followed the Commander’s eye line and hesiatantly looked behind him. A large group of the equines were standing behind the two waiting impatiently. Glances to the sides revealed that all traffic around the two humans had stopped as ponies stared at them with open mouths. Dante looked towards Chalmers again and nodded in agreement.

“That is probably a good idea, I’m suprised that they haven’t really said anything to me already.” The two quickly started walking again even though they had nowhere to go. Dante kept on thinking about getting back while Chalmers was debating on whether the Marine beside him could be trusted.

“Do you think these ponies would know of a way to help us return?” Dante remarked as they passed through the city’s entertainment district. Bars and clubs were empty due to the early time of day, a clock on a brickwork tower showing that it was nine -thirty -five in the morning.

“Maybe,” Chalmers replied as he looked over the equines around them. “I mean they don’t look like a spacefaring species but they have unicorns so I wouldn’t be surprised if they can fire rainbows and send us back. We should probably try to ask one.” Before Dante could explain that asking a unicorn to shoot rainbows might be a bad idea Nigel had already walked over to a group of unicorns and accosted them.

“Excuse me magical ponies,” he inquired and he stood in front of them while they stared in fear and confusion. “My companion and I are rather lost and I was wondering of you are able to teleport me and him to another planet, possibly dimension?” All he got in return was stares until one young mare went to raise her orange hoof but placed it back down.

“Um, the only ponies who could probably do that are the Princesses.” She nervously replied while looking back to the other three unicorn mares who were still frozen. Dante walked next to Nigel just as the Commander reached out and patted the mare on the head.

“Good pony, if I had a carrot I’d give you one but I’m afraid I have a Princess to find. Onwards Corporal, to victory!” Dante sighed once again as Chalmers whirled around and marched off towards a different street. Dante shrugged apologetically at the mares before hurrying off after the Commander. He was really starting to regret talking to him, how he had apparently become an officer was beyond him.

“Do you have any idea where the Princess is?” he inquired causing Nigel to slow and stop.

“No, I figured that if we walked around long enough we’d eventually find a horse wearing a crown.”

“They’re ponies,” Dante corrected.

“I don’t flipping care!” shouted Nigel while throwing his arms up in the air. “Ponies, horses, it doesn’t matter because they’re all the same. Let’s just find the Princess and go back to where we came from. I have a meeting I need to attend.” Dante raced ahead and halted Chalmers with an outstretched hand.

“It does matter actually,” Dante lectured. “A pony is an equine below fourteen-point-two hands. These ponies appear to be closely related to Shetland ponies while having human characteristics so calling them horses is incorrect. I should know, I grew up on a horse farm and-”

“Let me guess,” Nigel interrupted. “The farm burnt down and your parents died in a fire leaving you alone to raise your seven year old sister who was later killed in a driveby by a local gang. This has left you as an angst-ridden mess who constantly questions the nature of existence by writing heartfelt poetry in a dimly-lit room while an emo pop band sings about cutting themselves. Is that about right?”

Dante looked at Nigel oddly, then replied. “Actually, no, I suck at poetry, and my parents are still alive. My sister is actually sixteen now. The farmhouse is still there as well. I mean the farm’s pig gave birth to runt and I had to kill it, but, nothing really earth shattering. Why do you always have to be a dick about things? I mean, I’ve known you for, what, ten minutes? I’m already considering about going that way!” Dante pointed to the opposite direction that Nigel was heading in.

“Well, looks like I did find the Princess after all.” Nigel replied while raising his nose into the air. “I should have guessed that you’d have a… primitive manner.” Dante’s fists clenched and he quickly raised his AK-47 to point it right at Nigel’s face.

“What did you call me?” Dante hissed dangerously. Chalmers leaned forward so that the barrel of the gun was pressed against helmet.

“I called you a princess, Princess.” Chalmers responded. Dante’s finger inched closer to the trigger. “Do it Princess, or don’t you have the balls?”

“Oh, I’ve got them Spaceman. I just don’t really want to waste my ammo on a bitch like you.”

“Oh, kitty has claws,” Chalmers taunted. “Do it, your rifle probably won’t even scratch my armour.” Dante tensed and went to pull the trigger but both were halted by as a female voice gagged in disgust. The two of them turned towards the sound to spot a ‘normal’ pony dressed in a bonnet and a dress that seemed to be pulled straight from a Western. The mare raised a light yellow hoof to mouth and gagged again.

“My, and here I was thinking that the city would be free of all you non-ponies. As if it wasn’t bad enough with the Bison. At least those critters make sense, you just look plain weird.” Nigel and Dante both forgot their differences and turned to the mare who was flicking her blond pigtail over her shoulder.

“Excuse me?” Dante questioned as his AK began to point dangerously in the direction the pony instead of Nigel as he turned. “Do you have a problem with me being a human?”

“Yeah pony,” Nigel joined in. “You have an issue with us? You better watch it or i’ll have Dante smack you in the tit.” Chalmers seemed to stare at the mare’s chest. “Even if you don’t seem to have any he’ll smack you so hard he’ll make you a pair.”

“Uh, Nigel, her teats are closer to her crotch.” Dante dryly responded. The mare in response to this looked at Dante with a horrified face, at the mention of her private area in public so nonchalantly.

“Just roll with it, I’m working my magic here,” Chalmers whispered sideways as he raised a hand. He turned back to the pony and puffed out his armoured chest. “Dante here worked on a horse farm so he knows all about your kind. Fear his knowledge of equine biology as it shall be your doom!”

“Did you just call me a whorse!?” She yelled with a red face. A group of four guards in golden armour heard the commotion and immediately headed over to the arguing trio. “What was that about a whorse farm?” The leading guard asked the mare. She proceeded to point an accusatory hoof at Dante.

“This disgusting… rat! Apparently worked at a whorse farm!” Dante who looked between the mare, and then the guards, looked to Nigel with an angry look on his face.

“I told you calling them horses would probably be an insult!” Dante angrily informed Nigel, who responded quickly to this accusation.

“No you didn’t!” Nigel defended himself.

“Because you cut me off before I could tell you anything!”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t have been a little bitch! Officer,” Nigel pointed over to Dante. “I don’t know this disgusting and immoral man.” The Guards and the mare just looked at the two bipeds in confusion.

“Me!?” Dante shot back. “You started all of this! I told you that they are ponies and not horses yet you still carry on like a child. How the hell did you even get into the military!?” Nigel paused for a second at this.

“I… I actually don’t really know. I just signed some papers and then Blam! Military.” The ponies were all utterly lost while Dante just shook his head. He should have seen that one coming.

“Who do we arrest sir?” One of the guard stallions asked his Sergeant The stallion with a slightly larger plume on his helmet stared at the two bipeds fighting in the street. The mare beside him glared at him with her face still beet red.

“What are you waiting for, arrest both of them! They’re only non-ponies anyway!” Sergeant Iron Buckle winced. She was one of those ponies.

“Ma'am,” he replied as he kept his eyes on the two bipeds continuing their argument of what a whorse was. “I suggest that you keep quiet and let us do our jobs. From the sounds of things you’ve not helped the situation and I’m close to arresting you.” The mare flinched as if stuck and decided that leaving before the guard made good on his threat was a good idea. With that sorted out Buckle gave his three subordinates a nod before looking back into the argument.

“Excuse me sirs,” he spoke up, cutting through the insults and prompting both bipeds to look towards him. Buckle had to admit that they were intimidating with one in large black armour and the other wielding strange devices that appeared to be weapons. “I’m afraid that fighting in the streets is a criminal offense. Please come with me quietly and we might be able to let you off after an hour in the lockup.” Nigel and Dante did not like the sound of that at all.

“You what mate?” Nigel questioned as he stomped towards the four guards as Dante stayed back in case things turned sour. Iron Buckle didn’t waiver as the biped stood over him and glared down with red eyes.

“I said you’re under arrest for disturbing the peace,” Iron answered. All four guards moved towards the armoured being who stepped back and walked over to a streetlamp. The guards hesitated as with a grunt the biped grasped the lamp and ripped it out of the pavement violently. The four guards stepped back as the post was swung in a wide arc around the raging black creature.

“You’ll never take me alive!” he yelled as the lamppost continued to be flung around. The second biped seemed just as shocked as the guards were and ponies in the streets were running around screaming.

Dante caught sight of a problem approaching, a further ten guards rushing towards the scene. These ones had spears attached to their golden armour. He debated on just leaving Nigel to handle himself but relented when he realised that no matter what he did he would likely be in just as much trouble with the law. Looking towards his AK he pointed the weapon into the air and fired a single shot.

The booming crack caused all of the ponies to drop to the ground and cover their ears, with the closest guards affected the worst by the loud noise. Horses had better hearing than humans so he assumed that these ponies had the same. Chalmers stopped swinging his weapon to look at Dante.

“We better go before more cops come!” Dante yelled as Chalmers dropped his improvised weapon.

“Fine, this is getting boring anyway.” Chalmers quickly bent over to snatch the Sergeant’s helmet from his head, the pony’s coat shimmering from white to a deep green hue while the blue mane and tail turned yellow. Nigel and Dante observed the change as Chalmers hesitantly perched the golden helm on his own. When he didn’t turn into a magical unicorn he strolled back over to Dante as if nothing had ever happened. “Where to then? I don’t see a map saying ‘This way to Freedom!’ anywhere.”

Dante hurried off down an alleyway as the guards began to regain their footing. Chalmers followed and the two delved into the depths of the city with the fuzz hot on their trail.

“There, we just have to nick that.” Dante looked at where Nigel was pointing, the two hidden in the alley way as the sound of their pursuers grew faint. The Commander had picked a steam train decorated with love hearts and the main engine was coloured in pink. It was truly sickening to the trained marine.

“Why?” Dante questioned as he looked back to look for any guards pursuing them. “Why would you want something like a train?” Nigel raised his head to the sky and placed his fist against his chest.

“I have to ruin everything beautiful.” He decreed solemnly. Dante sighed in frustration.

“We are not going to steal a train.” He glanced out once more and found that the station was fairly deserted. He spotted an opening just as the sound of armoured hoofbeats thundered behind them. “But we can sneak aboard it, it’s the only option.” With that he dashed out and sprinted out towards the caboose. Nigel followed behind and they crossed the twenty metres of open ground to climb aboard. Just as they managed to close the door behind them a mass of guards numbering at least twenty galloped out of the alleyway and began to search the station.

The train whistle tooted and the floor beneath them shuddered as the engine began to move forwards. The inside of the Caboose was small but the two of them managed to fit fine. Nigel leaned up against the wall while Dante chose to peak out of the rear window. The station was quickly disappearing behind them and from the looks of it they had gotten away scot-free.

Where they were going however was unknown, at least it couldn’t get any worse.

After what must have been hours the train slowed to a stop, Dante picking himself off his spot on the floor to glance out the window.

Gone was the image of a bustling city, buildings having been replaced with yellow sand and tumbleweeds. Chalmers was still leaning against the wall, Dante unsure if the armoured human was asleep or not.

“Nigel,” he addressed. Chalmers shook his head and stepped towards the door.

“We’ve arrived?” he inquired as Dante took another look out the window.

“Yes,” the marine answered as he still could only see the desert and a long line of train tracks going back through it. “I think.” With that he opened the door, raised the AK to his shoulder and then jumped out onto the dusty ground. He spotted a wooden platform that he assumed was the station and a small number of ponies ambling around a frontier town from the wild west. Chalmers followed and soon the two were both off the train and staring at the strange sight.

“Well,” Chalmers stated as he began to move into the town itself. “Any port in a storm I suppose.” Dante couldn't argue there, hopefully the other human could avoid getting into any more fights with the local law. Dante followed and kept his gun at the ready just in case. He really didn’t want to shoot any of these ponies, they reminded him a bit of his family’s horses at home.

The two had barely made it off the makeshift station before the train tooted its whistle once more and started to depart. It seemed like they were stuck here for the time being. Both humans halted as a yellow pony with an orange mane trotted up to them with a beaming smile on his face. The stallion sported a brown cowboy hat and a matching vest which were dusty, a given for the area they were in.

“Howdy there strangers,” he greeted merrily. “I haven’t seen any of your kind around before but my name is Braeburn and it’s my duty and pleasure to welcome you to our fine town.” The stallion whinnied and reared up. “Appleoosa!”

The two humans exchanged a look before Nigel glared at the still-smiling stallion.

“I swear,” he said with a cold voice. “The first chance I get and it’s going to burn. It’s all going to burn.” The stallion looked at Chalmers in confusion while Dante quickly stepped in the salvage the situation before it devolved into another lamppost-swinging nightmare.

“Don’t worry about it, he’s from the east.” Braeburn’s face lit up in realisation and he nodded with understanding.

“Ah righty then, I don’t see any luggage on you fellers. Did you come to Apple Loosa looking for work perhaps?” Braeburn reared up a second time and shouted ‘Apple Loosa’ with exactly the same energy as the first time. Nigel’s armoured fists clenched as he continued to glare hatefully at the stallion.

“I swear, if you shout ‘Apple Loosa’ one more time I’ll-” Dante quickly cut Nigel off.

“What he means to say is yes,” the marine shot Chalmers a warning glare. “Do you happen to know of any work available?” Braeburn nodded excitedly as he gestured with a hoof behind the town to a grove of apple trees in the distance. Why they were growing apples in the desert the two humans couldn’t work out.

“We sure do!” Braeburn exclaimed. “The apples are ripe for bucking but with your fancy claws there I think you could be a great help. We’re always on the lookout for new helpers around harvesting time.” Braeburn extended a forehoof towards Nigel. Chalmers looked set to smack the stallion but Dante quickly grabbed the hoof with a hand instead and shook it three times.

“Name’s Dante, he’s Nigel,” the marine introduced as he gestured to the fuming Commander. Dante leaned in to whisper in Braeburn’s ear. “Don’t worry about him, he spilt his coffee this morning.” Braeburn nodded once again as Chalmers fixed both of them with a stare.

“I heard that, Princess.” Dante took a deep breath and forced a smile to his face as he looked at the confused stallion.

“When do we start?” he inquired. Having some of the local currency couldn’t hurt and if they ever needed to leave then they would likely have to purchase a train ticket. He was sick to death with deserts. Chalmers merely snorted but kept any objections to himself.

“You can start right now if you want,” Braeburn informed. “Everypony should be getting off lunch and heading back to the fields. I hope you two like plenty of hard work.”

“It’s only apples,” Nigel said as he stormed off towards the orchards. Dante and Braeburn stared at the back of Chalmers as he made his way through the town with ponies moving to the sides to let him pass. Dante ran a hand down his face.

“I guess I better go after him and make sure he doesn’t kill anyone,” he muttered, Braeburn trotting alongside him.

“That was a pretty funny joke,” the cheery pony responded but his smile dropped when he didn’t receive an answer from Dante. “...Right?”

The door to the ‘Mystical Wares’ antique shop in Manehatten was thrown open violently. The bell at the top jingled as a unicorn in a black cloak rushed into the dusty shop before checking behind her. Confident that she wasn’t followed the unicorn shut the door with a cream-coloured hoof and made her way to the back room.

“Prophet Nightblade,” she called out, a young stallion stirring at a table in the corner.

“Huh? What is- oh, it’s just you Cultmember Fable,” the Prophet brushed back his black fringe with a dark-purple hoof as he sat up. “What news do you bring?” Sweet Fable shifted nervously under her black robe.

“There was two bipeds fighting in the market today-”

“Two bipeds!?” Nightblade exclaimed as he hurriedly got off his seat and headed to a rundown bookshelf. The unicorn’s horn lit up and a large tome floated down from the top in a crimson energy field. The flaky book of parchment was opened and Nightblade skimmed through the pages with haste. He stopped on one page and his eyes lit up with a deluded glint.

“On the seventh day of the seventh month two beings of pure wickedness shall walk the ground and bring pandemonium wherever they tread. These beings are the required catalysts for the ritual of ending in the temple of Gehelzamet.” Nightblade looked up with a grin in his face.

“Fable, they have arrived! Quickly, assemble the cult and capture the two creatures wherever they may be!” The mare raised her hoof to ask a question.

“But Prophet, it’s the fifth day of the third month,” she informed to which Nightblade shrugged.

“Details, details,” he dismissed with a casual wave before shutting his book. “Gather the rest and dispatch all of our forces to scour the entire planet. Those bipeds must be found and brought to the temple!”

“There’s only five of us though…” Fable trailed off when she realised that Nightblade was too caught up rubbing his forehooves together manically to hear her concerns. Sighing she left the shop to gather the other three cult members, they would have their work cut out for them.

Nightblade wasn’t paying attention as he hurriedly gathered his cloak and components needed to complete the ritual. The tome was shoved underneath the cloak after he had put it on and the last thing he did was retrieve a single, golden key from a lockbox under his bed. The key to the temple of Gehelzamet. As soon as his peons brought him the creatures his plan would be complete.

“Yes, Yes!” Nightblade cackled as he left the shop and locked it. “Soon this world will burn and all will be ended. All will know of the Heralds Of Redemption, Salvation and Ending when their corrupt world is brought to its doom!” Heads of city-goers turned to stare at the madpony as he dashed away towards the city gates, an evil plot brewing in his mind.

Two Humans and a Changeling Walk Into a Bar...

Dante grunted as he hefted up the two baskets in his hands, the wooden containers holding a multitude of shiny red apples. The marine passed ponies working in the orchards, his destination the row of barns at the end. As he walked the five-hundred metres, he focused on the ground in front of his feet.

He’d already bumped into a number of ponies, the short creatures seemingly dedicated to crossing his path right when he had a basket obscuring his vision. The wasn’t hard, in fact he believed it to be a good workout, but hauling loads of apples to barns was incredibly dull.

The farmers, all of them dressed in the same western attire, bucked all the trees while the two humans moved the baskets of apples with their hands proving to be a great asset. Thinking of his unusual companion, Dante glanced around while he walked. He failed to spot Nigel, the marine reaching a barn and walking inside.

Emptying the baskets into a wooden cart that was half-full of red apples, Dante took a second to remove his helmet and wipe some sweat off his brow. Sure, it would be easier to take it off, but Dante still didn’t fully trust these equines or Chalmers. He kept it on, a habitual tick from his times patrolling in Afghanistan.

He replaced his helmet and picked up the empty baskets, moving to head back out to the orchards. A female giggle filtering through the left wall of the barn stopped him though. Dante waited, wondering what was going on. His question was answered when the giggle was followed by a male chuckle, Dante’s brows furrowing.

‘Was that… Nigel?’ he thought as he carried his baskets outside. Peeking around the side of the barn he spotted the armoured human leaning up against the barn wall with his two baskets at his feet. In front of him chewing an apple was a green mare with an orange mane. The pony was wearing a plain yellow cowboy hat and a light blush was across her face as she took another bite. Dante started at the scene with complete confusion.

Nigel was actually being nice to a pony?

“So are you going to take off your helmet so I can see your face?” drawled the mare. Dante continued to spy as Nigel chuckled, waving a finger in the air at his admirer.

“I’m afraid that I might infect you with a dangerous dose of handsome,” Chalmers answered suavely. The mare’s face went almost as red as her half-eaten apple, the pony sitting down as she giggled into her free hoof. Dante rolled his eyes at the behaviour, the marine striding out with his baskets in hand.

“Nigel,” he called out while walking towards the pair, both the spy and the mare turning to face him. “Come on, we’ve got work to finish.” Dante swore that Chalmers was glaring at him through the helmet, however Nigel turned to the mare and nodded his head.

“I’m sorry, Ms Stillcrisp, duty calls. I look forward to continuing our conversation in the future.” The mare nodded at his apology, glancing briefly at Dante before she got up from the dusty ground and tipped her hat at Nigel.

“That’ll be great,” she replied. “I’d hate to keep you from your work and I better get back to bucking trees myself. Catch you around, Nigel.” Chalmers gave a final wave as Stillcrisp left for the fields behind the barn, before he picked up his two empty baskets and headed back out to continue working.

“Wanker,” he insulted as he passed Dante, the marine just shaking his head and following the grumpy human.

‘I hope he doesn’t take my suggestion to be friendly that far,' Dante thought with a final head shake as he walked over to an empty tree surrounded by fallen apples, a full afternoon’s work still ahead of him.

Dante raised his head as the ending whistle sounded. A habit for him, from his childhood of working on his grandpa's farm. He pulled his neck to the right, popping it, then doing the same for his left side.Needless to say, the sudden sound spooked a few of the equines, who looked to Dante in shock. He didn't talk to them, however, and just began walking to find Nigel.

The AK heavy on his back, Dante stopped to question a gaggle of mares at a water trough.

“Excuse me, ladies. Have you seen a chimpish, pompous, arrogant, cocky, cheesy Human?”

The mares looked at him with confusion, Dante sighing as he dragged his hand down his face. “He’s bipedal, tall and wearing black armour?” The mares all nodded in realisation.

"Oh, him! Uh, I think he was over by the second barn, last I saw," one of the mares responded and pointed a hoof towards the structure.
Dante thanked them for their time and began heading for the barn that she had pointed out, wondering what he would discover.

"I give up!"

Nigel’s voice yelled as Dante cleared the corner and walked into the shade of the barn. Dante could only stare at the prone and stationary form of the armored Human as Nigel groaned. He walked up to Nigel, and started to unmercilessly nudge him with his foot.

"Farming's a lot more difficult than shooting people, isn't it?" Dante questioned.

Nigel merely shifted his head to stare up at Dante.

"No, I just didn’t go through years of training to pick apples up off the ground, my time is worth more." Nigel complained.

"I farmed tobacco for eighteen years, if you thought this was boring, you've no idea." Dante explained.

“I thought you worked on a horse farm?”

“That was my dad’s property. Every summer I went to work on my Grandpa’s tobacco farm.”

"That's not fair! You're used to doing meaningless work!"

During this little squabble, Braeburn had found the two and approached them with a grin.

"That was some darned good workin' you two, I ain't never seen stallions work as long as you two did." Braeburn said.

"Speak bloody proper English, you filthy animal." Dante nudged Nigel's body with his foot harder than last time to try and keep him civil.

“Thanks,” Dante replied to Braeburn as the stallion backed away a little from Chalmers. “As you can tell, even we can get a little tired after some hard work.”

“I’m not tired!” Nigel elaborated as he sat up from the floor. “I hate apples, I’m sick of apples, all it’s been is apples!” Braeburn seemed to relax a little, a nervous grin on his face as red eyes glared at him.

“Oh, I was actually going tell you that I have your pay here,” Braeburn informed as he moved his head to a brown saddle bag on his back. He pulled out a small cloth bag, jingling with coins, and passed it to Dante. A second one of equal size was removed soon after, Braeburn deciding to just drop it at Nigel’s side without risking contact with the grumpy creature.

Dante opened his bag, finding a pile of golden coins within.

“I was also wonderin’ if you’d both like to come down to the saloon for a welcome drink. I’m sure everypony would like to meet you both.” Braeburn glanced at Nigel, his smile wavering a bit as the armoured biped stood up and towered over him.

“Welcome drinks?” Chalmers inquired. “Would these drinks happen to be of the alcoholic type?” Braeburn nodded, the tension in the air immediately lifting. “Great!” Nigel exclaimed with sudden joy in his voice, much to the surprise of Dante and Braeburn. “Let’s go and get drunk!”

Nigel patted Braeburn on the head before strolling out of the barn, Dante and the pony sharing a look.

“You’re going to regret this,” Dante informed Braeburn with a shake of his head, the human following the whistling ISA soldier as Braeburn hesitantly began to trot after him, the stallion trying to decipher just what Dante meant.

“... So I said to the guy, ‘Apples? Those there are bananas!’”

Dante sighed as he took a sip of his cider, the marine sitting by himself at the back corner table. As time had went on in the saloon, Nigel had grown more and more friendly with the ponies, seemingly dictated by the amount of alcohol he consumed. At the moment he was sitting at the centre table surrounded by the bar mares and stallions, all the patrons hanging on to his every word.

A roar of laughter followed the punchline, Dante still not getting what was so funny. Then again, he also seemed to be the only one who was not full of freshly made cider. Unlike his fellow human-in-crime, he was not under the impression that getting wasted in the current circumstances was the best idea.

“Oh, that was great!” Braeburn chuckled out as he banged a hoof on the table, the stallion seated to Nigel’s left. “I thought that you were nothing but a sourpuss, but pardner you can tell a mean joke.”

“I didn’t just become an officer because of my good looks you know,” Nigel retorted as he placed a hand on his chest. His helmet was off and placed on his lap, his brown hair was the same colour as the table and already he had mares inform him that he shouldn’t cut it so short. Nigel turned around the face Dante, his blue eyes narrowing with mischief. “The lack of wit is possibly why Dante here is still a Corporal, isn’t that right Dante?”

The marine rolled his eyes, wise enough to not argue with a drunk. Someone else didn’t understand that way of thinking, a certain yellow mare walking through the saloon doors and standing stock straight as she noticed Chalmers sitting at the table.

“You!” she spluttered out, Dante glancing at the mare as everyone else looked at her. He got the feeling that they had met before, evidently Nigel had the same thought as the armoured human leaned forward in confusion. A yellow hoof pointed towards him, Chalmers scratching his head as four stallions, each varying shades of orange and wearing brown vests, entered behind the mare.

“Um, have we met?” Nigel asked, his words slightly slurred as the rest of the bar-goers watched the two converse. Dante was quite content to continue minding his own business and kept out of the argument, his mind remembering that this was the racist mare that they had encountered in the city.

“Met!?” the mare huffed, annoyed that she had been forgotten. “You don’t remember what happened in Manehatten?” Nigel searched his memory, not recalling anything to do with the mare so he asked the first thing that came to his mind.

“We… slept together?” Nigel asked hesitantly, drawing gasps from the patrons around him, a few of the drunken stallions whistling with approval. The mare’s face turned a full red from a combination of embarrassment and anger. The four stallions accompanying the mare glanced at her with shocked looks as she bared her teeth in a growl.

“What!? No! Why would I do something like that with a… with a hairless monkey!” Ponies winced at the insult, memories of the buffalo tensions still fresh in their minds.

“Desperation?” Nigel supplied with a shrug, the mare getting even angrier at the implication of ugliness.

“You Beast!” she accused, Dante deciding to step in before things got worse. He stood up from his table and walked out, holding his hands out as the five new ponies looked at him.

“Woah there Miss,” Dante spoke up as the mare’s angry glare was focused on him. “We’re just trying to have a drink after work. There’s no need to be upset.”

“Upset!” the mare continued as her hoof pointed at him. “You called me a whorse on the street! Your kind are nothing but trouble!” Dante noticed that the four stallions had narrowed their eyes at him and looked ready to charge. He decided that keeping his hands up and playing it cool would be the best idea.

“Are you a horse though?” Nigel asked, Dante wincing at what was to come.

“That’s it!” the mare yelled with rage. “Brothers, protect me from these cruel creatures!”

The four stallions shared a look between them before nodding, Dante about to apologise to prevent a fight. His plan failed however, Nigel beating him to it again.

“Oh, the hillbilly has a large family, what a bloody surprise!”

All hell broke loose, the stallions focusing on the closest target.

Dante.

“Fuck you Nigel,” was all Dante had to say before he was flung back into his table from a vicious buck from one of the stallions. The table splintered under his bulk, his combat backpack and camelback softening his fall. His groin guard thankfully protected his little Dante from the stallion’s kick, a vicious crack however signaled that it had payed the ultimate price for it’s sacrifice. Dante groaned and tried to get to his feet, his body ached from the hit but he knew he needed to get up.

“Come at me if you think you’re hard enough!”

Dante managed to turn his head towards the voice, stallions and mares screaming while running out of the bar around the combatants. Three of the stallions were advancing on Nigel, the ISA agent having stood up and was currently waving a cider bottle in the air. Approaching hoofsteps broke Dante away from the scene, the marine identifying the last stallion.

The pony, a brawny stallion with a dirty brown mane, glared at Dante and stopped five metres away.

“So you’re still awake,” the stallion snorted. “I’m going to break your face for calling my my lil’ sis a whorse!” The pony went to charge, Dante unable to reach his gun so he reached around for something to defend himself with. As the pony closed, his hand found a solid object and he threw it with all his might.

The bronze spittoon, laden with half-a-nights worth of spit, soared through the air at the approaching stallion. Its flight was magnificent, none of its contents spilling as it traveled straight and true.

The Stallion dodged.

The pony dove to the ground, the thrown projectile passing over it as Dante cursed his luck. It didn’t just crash to the ground, at the apex of its arc the spittoon started to rotate.In it’s path, staring at the oncoming pot with fear, was the yellow mare that had started the whole fight.

She had enough time to scream, a wave of spit washing over her, before the solid metal pot made contact with her face. She dropped to the ground, Dante opened mouthed at the sight.

“I’ll kill you!”

The angry yell reminded Dante that the danger wasn’t over yet, the stallion from before off the floor and galloping towards him. The pony reared up over Dante, aiming to bring his forehooves down upon the marine’s face. Dante shielded his face with his arm, a fruitless gesture if the force of the previous kick was anything to go off.

The arm didn’t protect his face from the pony’s hooves, but it did defend it from the shards of glass that exploded everywhere as a cider bottle nailed the stallion in the side of the head. Dante opened his eyes and lowered his arm as his knocked-out assailant slumped to the floor, wincing at the small cuts near his mouth that had been caused by the glass.

“That right there is how you throw something at a pony!”

Dante sat up and looked towards Nigel’s voice, the biped standing over a smashed table with his helmet back on his head. Three stallions were deposited around him, all resting in various pieces of broken tables and stools. Dante noticed that almost all the patrons in the saloon had left. The two bartenders, identical twins with the same red mustaches and pinstripe suits, peered out over the bar as Dante struggled to his feet.

“Fine, I’ll give you that, even if I took some shards to the face,” Dante grumbled out.

“Double points!” Nigel exclaimed, still a little tipsy from the booze. Dante shook his head and let it go, after all it could be worse.

“Whatever, what do we do now?” Dante questioned as he looked around. A jingling caught his attention and he paused, Nigel was crouched down and looting the bodies of his defeated opponents. “Really man?”

“Yes,” Nigel answered as he picked up bags full of coins. “In all the old video games, you’re supposed to loot your fallen enemies so you can buy pretty swords and potions. I figure that these ponies will have lots of potions and pretty swords, and lots of money is always a good thing anyway.” Dante sighed, there wasn’t much he could do to stop him.

“Why old video games?” Dante inquired as Nigel stood up. “Don’t you have video games in the future, or alternate dimension or whatever?”

“Oh, we do,” Nigel replied as he moved to the front door. “They’re less ‘Dragon-slaying, body-looting’ and more ‘This is how you fight for empire, die for empire. Empire is all.’ Works wonders for military recruitment after the compulsory four years of service.”

“Compulsory military service?” Dante questioned as Nigel nudged the knocked-out mare with his foot. “Are you like space nazis or something?” Nigel paused at the question.

“Weren't the Nazis a boy band in the Twentieth Century?” Nigel looked out the door as he asked Dante the query. Dante was about to point out just how ridiculously wrong Chalmers was but he was interrupted as Nigel turned around and headed straight to the bar counter.

“We… may be in a bit of trouble with the locals.” Dante frowned and moved to the door.

“Shit.”

Looking outside, Dante could see some armoured pegasi guards landing in the moon-lit street. A stallion was informing the twenty armed guards about the fight, Dante overhearing the words ‘brawl’, ‘humans’, and ‘cider bottle’. He quickly hide behind the side of the doors as the guard leader looked in his direction, Dante heading straight over to Nigel who was in the middle of hauling one of the bartenders up by his shirt.

“You, pony unicorn,” Nigel addressed, the sweating bartender using a free hoof to tip his hat. nervously.

“Flim,” the stallion greeted nervously as his twin watched from his spot backed up against the corner. Dante noticed that they both seemed lankier and taller than the other ponies they had met, Nigel pointing a finger towards a door nestled between two tables at the back of the saloon.

“Don’t care. Does that door lead outside?” Flim nodded his head rapidly at Chalmer’s question.

“Yes, sir, it sure does!” the unicorn answered with haste. “It’s locked though, and the manager has the only key.” Nigel leaned down, his helmet touching the unicorn’s muzzle.

“Where is this manager?” Flim gulped at this, the other unicorn speaking up from the corner.

“Visiting Canterlot.”

“Great!” Nigel announced sarcastically as he dropped Flim back on the counter before taking out one of the looted coin bags from his suit. “This is for the door,” he tossed the purse to Flim before looking around at the broken furniture and unconscious ponies and withdrawing a second bag. “Actually, you should take a second one.”

“Nigel,” Dante spoke up as he moved to the back door. “Hurry up, the guards are coming.” Nigel sighed and shrugged at the bar tenders.

“Sorry gents,” Nigel apologised. “But we have prior history with the golden cans. Apologies for the mess.” With that Nigel burst into a run, his armoured bulk closing on the back door as the first guards entered the saloon.

“Halt criminal scum!” a male pegasus ordered, Dante reaching around for his rifle in preparation for another fight. It wasn’t needed, Nigel barreling easily through the wooden door and turning it to match wood.

“Book it!” Nigel yelled as he continued running, Dante giving the suprised guards a final glance before he ran out the door into a dusty alley. He spotted Nigel at the end facing away from the main street, the armoured human not moving. Dante ran up to him, shouting as he did so.

“What the hell do we do now?”

“We steal.”

Dante was about to ask Nigel if he was on meth before he saw what held the ISA agent’s attention, the marine skidding to a halt as he reached to alley mouth.

Before the pair was a strange machine, a twisted combination of a red carriage and a train. The rear held a mass of machinery, pipes and jars while the front half was equipped with a red couch, a cow-catcher and a podium with a steering wheel. On the side, written in gold, were the words ‘Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000’ and a picture of a mug of apple cider beside it.

“What. The. Hell.” Dante questioned, Nigel climbing up onto the front of the machine.

“It will make a fine getaway vehicle,” Nigel observed as guards started to pour out of the saloon’s back door. “We must rename it to ‘The Pimpalicious Nine-Hundred’, because steampunk is cool.”

“No time,” Dante mentioned as he climbed onto the vehicle and fired a shot in the air to keep the pegasi at bay, the guards recovering quicker than before. “They’re getting closer, drive!”

Nigel was met with an issue, that issue being that he had no clue how to drive steampunk carriages. He gazed at a small panel below the wheel, ten multicoloured buttons arrayed into two rows of five. Not knowing which one was go, he resorted to an age-old method.

He pressed every button.

The car started forward with a belch of sparkly green smoke rising up from it’s smokestacks, Nigel gripping the wheel and steering it around the corner, heading out of the town and into the desert.

“They’re still coming!”

Nigel turned his head around, spotting Dante aiming his weapon at a horde of flying guards.

“I forgot they could fly!” Nigel called out, Dante looking at him with disbelief.

“Real fucking helpful!” he replied, Nigel veering the car sharply to the left in an attempt to shake their pursuers.

“Shoot them then!”

“I don’t want to kill any!” Nigel almost laughed at the response as he glanced back.

“Some soldier you are!” he criticised before he spotted a mass of wooden mugs being stored in a rack at the back after being filled with a green liquid. “Throw mugs at them if you’re too pansy to shoot!”

Dante turned, spotting the rack mounted on the side of the vehicle near a large barrel with a funnel. He slung the rifle over his back and grabbed two, a pegasus with a golden spear almost upon them. Dante threw the mugs at the flying pony, the pegasus’s glare turning to a look of horror as the two mugs flew at him.

Cider drenched the guard before the mugs themselves impacted, one hitting his armoured chest while the other smacked into his wing. The hit to wing caused the pony to fall into a dive, the pegasus crashing into the desert floor with a plume of dust. Dante winced, he hoped that the guard wasn’t too badly injured, he didn’t like hurting these ponies.

“Haha! Nailed the Bastard!” Nigel had no such qualms, the agent cackling as he drove the car around hills and sand dunes. Dante would have retorted with an explanation of why injuring little ponies was no cause for celebration, but he was interrupted as two more of the equines flew towards them.

The rest had stopped back at the fallen guard, leaving the pair of flying guards to engage the humans. Dante began to throw mug after mug at the two, the ponies dodging every shot. The marine mentally wondered just where all the mugs and cider was coming from, the machine seeming to not run out.

He continued to throw the drinks despite the questions, one of the guards venturing a little close. A mug hit him in the helmet, the pony slowing as she shook her head to clear the cider from her eyes. Her fellow guard looked back as a shrill whistle sounded, the ponies giving the humans a final glare before retreating.

“They’re falling back!” Dante informed, yelling so he could be heard over the rushing wind.

“Great,” Nigel called back from the wheel. “Pass me one of those mugs, I could use a drink.”

As it turns out, a machine that makes cider while it drives is a problem just waiting to happen. Nigel had continued to drink and drive while Dante sat down on the red chair, the marine having given up on trying to persuade his fellow human otherwise. He just decided to go with the flow, at least Nigel had stopped arguing and whining every three seconds.

“This car is the best!” Nigel announced as he honked the horn mounted beside the well, the headlights at the front blazing away into the night. He had removed his helmet earlier and attached it to his waist by a magnetic clamp, allowing him to drink his cider as he pleased.

They went over a dune, Dante jolting in the seat as they did so.

“Nigel, slow down,” he requested, their proximity meaning that yelling was not needed. Nigel turned back, a mad grin on his face.

“Hell no, slowing down and driving safely is for the weak!” As Nigel was explaining his flawed logic, Dante caught the glimpse of a shape in the headlights.

“Look out you Fuc-”

Dante’s warning and insult was interrupted by a thump and a disturbing scream, the unknown animal was flung off the cowcatcher into the night as Nigel slammed on the breaks. Both humans were almost thrown off their pilfered ride before it squealed to a stop, both of them breathing deeply as the green glow powering the machine died out.

“What just happened?” Nigel asked, Dante jumping down from his seat onto the desert floor.

“You hit an animal because you weren't paying attention, idiot.”

“Well, sorry,” Nigel replied with an eye roll as he also left the car. “Maybe animals shouldn’t stand where I’m driving.” Dante didn’t bother with a response, the human searching for the creature they had hit. A groan of pain drew him to a dune, Dante walking up it to peer over the edge.

Down in the sand was a strange equine-like creature, the quadruped's limbs twitching as it lay on the ground. It looked like a pony but instead of fur it had solid black skin that seemed to be made from a hard substance. On its head was a jagged horn and on its back was a pair of insectoid wings. It had no mane but it did have a short black tail, as well as a plethora of holes in its legs.

As Nigel grumbled to himself by the car, Dante sighed and walked down to the creature. He looked it over, the alien animal appearing to be in a great deal of pain with its eyes shut. Seeing this, and having no knowledge of what it even was, Dante decided to do the humane thing and put it out of its misery.

He pulled his rifle off his backpack and aimed it at the creature’s head, the animal still laying on the ground and twitching its limbs. Dante hesitated pulling the trigger of the AK, despite its insectoid appearance the creature still reminded him of his horses back on Earth.

“Sorry.”

Dante went to squeeze the trigger, aiming to end the animal’s life and pain.

“Wait!” Dante stopped and looked behind him, Nigel sliding down the dune before stopping at the wounded creature. The armoured human bent down and examined the bug, his hand pushing the muzzle of Dante’s gun away. “Don’t shoot it.”

“Why not?” Dante asked as Nigel poked the twitching animal with an armoured finger. “There’s nothing we can do for it and it’s obviously hurt. Putting it down is the right thing to do.”

“But it’s so evil looking and cute at the same time!” Nigel shook his head, Dante wondering what had gotten into the callous soldier. He watched as Chalmers placed a fist against the animal’s neck, Nigel tapping on a glowing panel that opened up on his arm armour.

Dante jerked back as a needle punched through the creature’s skin and injected a clear liquid into its bloodstream. A small trail of blood, green, dribbled out of the wound as Nigel withdrew the needle.

“What did you just do?” Dante asked, the creature’s eyes snapping open. Both humans watched as the animal began to flail its limbs, its solid blue eyes darting around franticly.

“Put drugs into it,” Nigel remarked casually as he grinned at the struggling animal.

“...How much?” Dante asked as the creature seemed to focus on the moon, it’s mouth opening in a fang-filled grin.

“Standard dose for an adult huma…” Nigel stopped, Dante rubbing his face with a hand as the injured creature began to make a wooing sound at the moon. “Whoops.”

“Whoops indeed,” Dante agreed, walking back to the vehicle while shaking his head. Nigel shrugged and slid his hands underneath the drugged creature. He lifted it up, the animal still gazing at the full moon in awe. Smiling at his new acquisition, Nigel walked up the dune and headed back to the car. Dante looked over from the side of the machine, the marine shaking his head again.

“No, you’re not keeping it,” Dante lectured and was met with a raised finger from Nigel as the agent hugged the animal to his armoured chest.

“I am, you’re not my Assistant Director.” Nigel shifted both hands to under the creature’s armpits and held it out in front of him. The animal’s gaze moved from the moon to Nigel’s face, the wooing sound stopping. “I shall name you… Biggles!” Dante closed his eyes and took a deep breath, not expecting this conversation to end well.

“Why ‘Biggles’? You don’t even know if its a male.” Nigel seemed to think for a second before he raised Biggles into the air. He examined the animal before lowering it back down and hugging it, Biggles nestling into the embrace and licking the black chest armour like a dog.

“He’s a male,” Nigel stated. Dante grinded his teeth and giving up.

“Fine, keep it.” Dante got back on the machine, Nigel following and heading for the wheel. He was stopped when Dante blocked his path and pointed at the red couch. “No way in hell are you driving again, sit down.” Whether it was his tipsy state or his new pet Dante wasn’t too sure, but Nigel sat down on the seat without a word of complaint. It worked for him, after all the less dicking around from Nigel the better. Dante pressed a large green button, assuming that it would turn the vehicle back on.

Nothing happened.

“Are we there yet?” Nigel asked from the seat, Dante turning around with a frown.

“Shut up.” Facing the controls again, Dante started to press every button in order to no effect. A sigh sounded from behind him, Nigel getting up and pushing him out of the way.

“Let a professional handle it.” With that, Nigel slammed his free hand down on the controls. Still nothing happened. Dante threw his hands up in the air, the marine looking up at the starry sky.

“Why!?”

“Stop complaining,” Nigel instructed as he walked to the back of the machine, the red wall of the rear end in his sights. “Like all machinery, all it needs is a little love tap to get it working again.” Dante had no time to tell Nigel why that was not a good idea, the ISA agent’s armoured boot already swinging towards the red metal.

Dante winced as a clang rang out, Nigel’s boot going right through the wall and into the machinery that powered the contraption. It shuddered, a final puff of green smoke escaping from the smoke stacks before the glow died completely. Nigel pulled his boot from the wreckage and rotated to face Dante, the marine staring in disbelief.

“Yep,” Nigel stated with a sagely nod as he patted the cooing Biggles on the head.

“It’s broken.”

“This sucks.”

“Well Nigel,” Dante began while the two trudged through the desert sand. “Maybe if you didn’t break the car, then we wouldn’t have to walk through the desert.”

“It’s not my fault it stopped working,” Nigel shot back as he adjusted the sleeping animal’s position in his arms. “It was made of shoddy materials.”

“You kicked it,” Dante reminded him.

“Whatever,” Nigel answered with a huff. “It’s broken, there’s nothing we can do about it so just walk.” Dante rolled his eyes at Chalmer’s immaturity and willed his legs to continue moving forward. Somewhere, possibly back at the saloon, his camelback had ruptured, leaking all of his precious water. His spare canteen was almost dry, only a few dregs left at the bottom.

“Do you have any water?”

“... No.” Dante stopped at the lie.

“Bullshit, stop hoarding and share.”

“I can’t,” Nigel replied as Biggles continued to sleep in his arms. “My armour has an inbuilt system, it’s not like it has a tap on the left arsecheek that allows me to share it.”

Dante sighed and continued to walk, they needed to find a source of water soon or else he’d be done for. Nigel seemed completely oblivious to this issue, whistling merrily as he led from the front.

They continued to walk, the moon beginning to descend towards the horizon. Dante’s thirst worsened, the marine trying to convince Nigel again.

“Nigel, come on man, are you really trying to tell me that advanced space armour is unable to produce a single drop of water for someone else?” Nigel turned around and started to walk backwards, holding Biggles out in front of him.

“You see Biggles here?” Nigel asked as he waved the sleeping animal in the air. “Biggles isn’t complaining about having no water.” Dante sighed as he continued walking.

“Biggles is currently asleep and drugged,” Dante explained to Nigel. “How is he going to complain when you ran into him, drugged him, and then claimed him as a pet?”

“Those points are true,” Nigel answered as he began to walk up a dune, still facing Dante. “However, what is also true is that you’re a-”

Nigel was interrupted as he suddenly fell backwards off the dune, his insult cut off as he toppled over. Dante froze, considering whether to help or not.

“Dante! There are more Biggles in this cave!”

“What?” Dante rushed over to the dune. He peered over the edge and spotted Nigel at the bottom of an eight metre drop. The agent was in a crouch, in the process of getting up to his feet. Biggles was still in his arms and strangely still asleep, Nigel’s vision staring into a black cave under the earth. Unlike Nigel, Dante skillfully slide down the dune and landed on his feet at the bottom, lifting his glasses up to peer into the darkness.

Staring back at the two humans, and pet animal, were about thirty creatures that looked exactly like Biggles. The insects lowered their heads and hissed at the intruders, Dante raising his hands as Nigel held onto Biggles.

“Nigel,” Dante began slowly, the creatures not moving forward but he saw a few retreat into the cave. “Maybe you should let Biggles go.” Nigel clutched Biggles, who had awoken at the hissing and was now struggling in Nigel’s arms. Chalmers held him tighter as he shielded Biggles from the hissing creatures.

“Hell no!” he replied while glaring at the hissing creatures.

“Please let me go.”

Both Nigel and Dante stared down at Biggles with surprise as the creature spoke.

“Biggles!” Nigel exclaimed as he looked down towards him. “You can talk!”

The other creatures ceased their hissing, their angry looks fading to ones of confusion. Biggles shifted uncomfortably in Nigel’s arms, the drugs evidently having worn off.

“I can,” he answer, wincing as Nigel hugged him again. “Why are you holding me, and why are you calling me Biggles?”

“Well,” Dante started, still keeping an eye on the other creatures. “Nigel was drinking and driving, so we accidently-”

“Found you dying in the desert next to a fallen meteor,” Nigel cut in as he gave Dante a glance. “I accidently injected you with a larger amount painkillers than expected, and they kind of put you under for longer than expected. Then, risking life and limb, I carried you like my own child across the harsh, unforgiving desert in search of safety.” Biggles paused at this, his head lowered in thought.

“Nigel,” Dante whispered. “Just let him go. It’s a sapient creature and its friends don’t seem too pleased with you.” Nigel looked up, seeing that more and more of the insect-equines were appearing from the depths of the cave. These new creatures seemed to have a heavier chitin plating and longer, sharper looking horns.

“Fine,” Nigel grumbled as he placed Biggles on the ground. The creature got to his hooves shakily before looking towards Nigel.

“Uh, look,” Biggles said as his fellows moved towards him. “Whatever happened, thanks for bringing me back.” Nigel and Dante decided to not mention that they had no clue what they were doing. Biggles was helped back into the cave by two of the other creatures, leaving the two humans to face fifty identical equines.

“So,” Nigel began as he shed a manly tear at the departure of his friend. “Nice weather we’re having.”

“Really?” Dante questioned as he shot Nigel a sideways glance. “Can’t you come up with anything else?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Nigel shot back sarcastically. “I forgot about the repository of knowledge and wit standing next to me. Tell you what Dante, why don’t you offer a solution to this problem? You’re the one that needs water.”

“And you’re the idiot that crashed the car and got us lost in the first place!” Dante replied with his voice raised. The insects stared at the two arguing creatures in confusion, wondering why them seemed so focused on fighting with each other all the time.

“Excuse me, bipeds,” the largest insect-equine present addressed hesitantly. “The Queen wants us to bring you to her.” Nigel stood up straight, Dante grumbling to himself as he tried to repress his anger.

“Very well,” Nigel stated. “Take us to your leader.” A loud sigh from Dante drew the attention of everyone, the marine having placed his face in his hands.

“Lord, what did I do to deserve such a punishment?” Dante breathed out, one of the creatures looking at him with concern.

“Is he okay?” the female, judging from the voice, asked.

“Yep,” Nigel responded as he began to walk into the cave, the creatures surrounding him and Dante as they moved into the darkness. “He’s just a little over-dramatic.” Dante raised his face from his hands, not even bothering to grace Nigel with a reply. Instead, he glanced down at one of the creatures walking next to him.

“Hey you,” he addressed, the bug looking up at him with its horn alight to help illuminate the area. “What is your species called anyway?”

“Changelings, I’m specifically a drone,” he answered with a confused look. “You really haven’t heard of us?”

“Well, we did think that Bigg- the changeling we rescued was an animal. So no, we have no idea about changelings.” The changeling nodded and glanced ahead, the large form of Nigel reflecting the green glow coming from the changelings’ horns.

“What is your species called? Is your friend a different class or another species altoghether?”

“First off,” Dante began firmly. “Nigel is not my friend, we merely travel together to increase our chances against those golden cans on legs.” The changeling got what Dante meant by ‘golden cans’ a few seconds later.

“You're wanted by Equestrian guards?” he asked, a wave of murmurs going through the changelings as they overheard. Dante noticed that Nigel was being unusually quiet, the agent’s head moving from side to side like he was looking for something.

“Yep,” Dante answered, prompting a follow up question from the inquisitive drone.

“What did you do to deserve that?” Dante paused and began to count off his fingers, a large number of the changelings stopping with him while Nigel and his escort moved on without them.

“Disturbing the peace, assault on police officers, theft, not paying for a train ticket, assault again, grand theft auto, more assault and that’s it so far.” Dante reconsidered some of the past events. “Oh, and I guess we can probably add a few counts of attempted murder; Nigel gets a little enthusiastic.” All the changelings looked towards the group way out in front, a faint whistling coming from the armoured human.

“Okay…” the drone responded with a nod. “That might do it.” Dante shrugged and began to walk again, his guards moving with him.

“I’m pretty much along for the ride at the moment,” he added. “As for the species, we’re both humans as far as I can tell, Nigel was a little vague when he introduced himself.”

“Oh,” a female drone entered the conversation. “We thought he was one of your human soldier caste.” Dante felt a little insulted at the implication.

“Actually, I’m a marine, which is a type of soldier.” he informed, the changelings glancing over his form.

“You have some armour, but he has more,” one of the changeling soldiers observed while nodding. “That must mean he’s higher up or a better caste of soldier.” Dante ground his teeth.

“No, we’re just from different places. We only met after we arrived on this planet.” This revelation brought some surprised looks his way, Dante figuring that announcing their alien origins was probably not the best idea. Still, he continued to defend himself. “Besides, from what i’ve seen of his lack of discipline, I doubt he’s a good soldier even with his fancy armour.” Nigel must have heard the jibe somehow, the ISA agent singing at the top of his lungs.

“I have killed ten-thousand men, and I would kill ten-thousand more-”

“Shut the Fuck up Nigel!” Dante yelled, his voice echoing around the cave. The walls of the tunnel had lost all rocky texture and were instead constructed from a smooth, grey-green substance. Torches affixed to the walls and filled with glowing green goo provided lighting, the air getting warmer as they went deeper down into the earth.

“Make me, Princess!” came the reply as the startled changelings winced at the harsh exchange.

“Please,” one male soldier asked from up where Nigel was. “Both of you behave, you are meeting the Queen.”

“I can only promise to try,” Nigel replied as Dante’s group caught up with him. Dante and the changeling soldier shook their heads and sighed simultaneously. With the two groups merged, the two humans and their horde of changelings approached a large mouth in the tunnel, Nigel and Dante having no idea of what awaited them inside.

Chrysalis sat upon her ebony throne in the middle of her royal chambers,drumming her forehooves against the armrests. Her drones and soldiers had reported that two unknown creatures had entered the cave with an injured scout. She had ordered them to escort the creatures to her, so that she could determine if they were a threat, or more importantly, a potential food source.

The four, heavy-set guards flanking her throne stiffened and looked towards a doorway, the sounds of approaching steps echoing off the smooth, black walls. Chrysalis raised her eyebrows as two bipeds entered the room. Her changelings escorting them bowed, the bipeds not showing her the same respect.

“The two humans as you requested, my Queen,” a male soldier addressed.

“I see,” Chrysalis replied as she examined to two different ‘humans’, the creatures doing to same to her. She looked at the one on the left, shorter and wearing oddly coloured clothing decorated with tan and brown blotches. It’s face was a light bronze, and the eyes were hidden behind black sunglasses. Many bags and pouches covered it’s body, their contents a mystery. Chrysalis shifted her gaze to the other human, this one much more intimidating.

This one was covered in a hard black shell, no trace of skin or cloth to be found. Two red eyes looked back at her, Chrysalis shifting in her seat uncomfortably at the stare. Both humans appeared to be carrying no weapons, and so far they had been cooperative. Chrysalis decided that a diplomatic approach would be the best, they were both taller than her and after the recent failure to invade Canterlot, risking a war with a new race would be unwise.

“Greetings, humans,” she began. “I am Queen Chrysalis, and I have been informed that you have brought back on of my subjects.”

“Corporal Dante McClure, United States Marine Corps,” the left biped introduced as he straightened up and saluted. Chrysalis looked to the other biped expectantly, wondering what his introduction would be.

“I’m Nigel.” Chrysalis smirked as the smaller human broke his salute to elbow his companion in the side.

“Nigel, do a proper introduction. She is a Queen.” The biped named Nigel sighed and shrugged.

“Fine then. Commander Nigel M Chalmers, United Imperium of Planets, Internal Security Agency. Despoiler of the Balthazar sector, Pillager of the Gilgamesh galaxy, Lord and Saviour Jesu-”

“Nigel!” Dante cut in. “Enough!”

Chrysalis watched the two argue, a small smile forming on her face. They amused her.

“Let’s just stick to Dante and Nigel, it’s what I prefer,” she informed.

“Good enough for me,” Nigel replied, while Dante merely nodded.

“Moving on,” Chrysalis continued as she leaned forward. “You have my thanks for returning my scout after his unfortunate accident with… a rock I believe?”

“Yes,” Nigel answered. “Biggles had an accident with a space rock. And nothing more.” Dante shook his head, Chrysalis not noticing due to her surprise at the name given to the scout.

“Biggles?” she questioned with a grin. “That’s hilarious! From now on Drone Three-Seven-Four-Six shall be known as Biggles. I decree it so!” The guards beside Chrysalis nodded, the Queen turning back to her guests. “I assume that you are unfamiliar with our people?”

“We’ve met ponies-”

“We are not ponies!” Chrysalis interrupted Dante with a snarl. “Those Equestrians will pay for the embarrassment they caused me! As soon as I have enough love I will rebuild my army and conquer them!”

“Well… then. I’ve heard some spirited declarations of revenge before, granted, most of them got blown up before they could carry it out. But even they didn’t match the level you brought it to.”

“Leave her alone Dante,” Nigel defended as he turned to the Queen. “Evil is great, and revenge is always needed. Those Equestrians haven’t exactly been that welcoming to us after all.”

“You… you attacked them with a lamppost,” Dante pointed out.

“They started it,” Nigel retorted. “That’s what they get for trying to arrest me.”

“This isn’t kindergarten.”

“Oh really?” Nigel replied in a high pitched voice as he began to prance around. “Did your’s never have fluffy unicorns and magical horsies? I guess that my childhood must have just been special.” Nigel stopped his prancing, the changelings and Chrysalis staring at him. “You stupid twat.”

“Oh, look. A special snowflake. My childhood involved having twenty different horses nearly stomp me to death and quite a few broken ribs, as well as smoke inhalation from the tobacco farm.”

“Oh, you poor, innocent creature,” Nigel replied with his voice dripping with false compassion. “I must have misjudged you, your horrible life is so much worse than being raised to serve in the military for a fascist empire until death. So terrible that the fact that I fight and kill every day is made to seem like a riverside picnic. Woe to you.” Chrysalis found herself drawn into the conversation, these two were just so… interesting.

“You like fighting though,” Dante observed. “So stop complaining.”

“I’m not complaining,” Nigel stated slowly as if he was speaking to a child. “I’m just pointing out how irritating you are sometimes.”

“Me? Irritating?”

“Excuse me,” Chrysalis spoke up with a smile. “As interesting as this is, I do have other things to do.” Dante turned towards the Queen and nodded his head. Nigel huffed and crossed his arms.

“Apologies, your Highness, it’s been a long night.” Dante brushed some sand off his pants.

“Oh?” Chrysalis inquired.

“Yeah,” Dante continued. “We’re a little lost and running out of water. If you could just direct us to the closest settlement then we’ll be on our way and you can continue your plans of revenge in peace.” Dante glanced over at Nigel. “As you have already heard, we’re not on the best terms with the Equestrians so you don’t have to fear us giving away your plans.”

Chrysalis smirked as an idea popped into her head, a way for both parties to profit from this situation. In addition, she might be able to secure some allies.

“I see,” Chrysalis responded with a nod. “How about we make a deal?”

“A deal?” Dante asked hesitantly. He didn’t like the look that the Queen was directing at them.

“Yes,” Chrysalis answered. “I give you water, lend you one of my finest infiltrators as a guide, and even some food that we keep stored in case of… guests. You get supplies and my subject will take you to the nearest town, a border town in the Griffon Empire.”

“What do you want in return?” Dante inquired as Nigel listened to the proposal. Dante didn’t know what the queen could possibly want from them, the hungry glint in her eyes not helping.

“It’s simple,” Chrysalis replied as she idly twirled a hoof in her long hair. “We changelings gain energy from love.” Dante’s face didn’t change, however he was mentally begging that she wasn’t going where he thought she was going.

“Well,” Nigel jumped in. “Looks like relations warmed up unusually fast.”

Chrysalis looked at him with her grin widening. The large, rude human was her favorite pick, something about his uncaring manner drew her to him. She looked back at Dante, her eyes scanning over his form. He wasn’t that bad either for an alien, she guessed that it would have to be up to them.

“They have, and I ask you to hear me out.” Chrysalis looked around at her subjects in the room, the changelings all guessing what she was about to say. “I need more energy if I hope to have a chance against the ponies next time we fight.”

“We’re not exactly love-filled sugarplums,” Nigel pointed out, Chrysalis bursting out into genuine laughter.

“Oh, I can see that you’re nothing like ponies,” she chuckled. “You’re far too argumentative for that. No, while love is great, lust comes in a close second.”

“So that means…” Dante began, praying to God that she only wanted a hug or a quick kiss.

“I wish for one of you to bed me,” Chrysalis stated calmly, before her eyelids batted in an attempt at a seductive gaze. “Or both at the same time if you so desire.”

Dante quickly turned himself around, making the sign of the cross and muttering a Gaelic prayer his grandfather taught him.

“Hell no,” Nigel answered with a firm shake of his head. “I wouldn’t want to share a bus seat with Dante, let alone a changeling queen.” Chrysalis flicked her tongue out playfully, enjoying the humans’ discomfort.

“So, you want me all for yourself then?” Nigel stopped still, before turning to the still-praying Dante.

“Dante, you need the water, so you have to pay for it.” The marine whirled around and pointed at Nigel.

“But you got us lost, and caused the problem in the first place. Besides, you’re probably okay with alien chicks and she seems to like you more anyway."

“That depends,” Chrysalis murmured as she waved a hoof at Nigel. “Take off that helmet you’re wearing so I can see what you look like.” Nigel hesitated, for once in his life cursing the face that science had given him. Dante smirked, from what he had seen of Nigel the agent was doomed.

Nigel removed his helmet, Chrysalis licking her lips as the cold blue eyes stared back at her. His reluctance only made it that much sweeter.

“You,” she picked, extending a hoof out towards Chalmers. Nigel muttered a brief curse under his breath before turning towards Dante.

“Nope,” Dante said before Nigel could begin to complain. “She picked you. You’ll just have to deal with it.”

“I don’t need water or food though,” Nigel pointed out. “You need this more than me.”

“You got us lost,” Dante reminded. “Look at it this way, okay? You don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be here. The sooner you do this, the sooner we can try and find a way back to our own universes or whatever.” Nigel sighed, wincing and looking back at the awaiting queen.

“So,” he began hopefully. “All you need is a quicky in a storage closet or something?” Chrysalis shook her head and leaned back, making sure to stretch all of her limbs slowly.

“That will not do,” she answered with a smirk. “I require the full deal, for maximum energy collection of course.” She flicked her mane, Nigel muttering under his breath.

“Maximum energy collection, sure.”

Chrysalis left her throne and walked over to Nigel, her hips swaying as her tail swished from side to side. The ISA agent shuddered as she drew a wing under his chin, Chrysalis coming up to his chest.

“Oh come on, I promise it won’t be that bad,” she cooed. Chrysalis turned to the soldiers and drones watching, the Queen raising her head high. “Subjects, return to your duties.” Chrysalis gestured with her head towards Dante. “Organise a room, some water and pony food for our guest here. Oh, and a guard as well, we cannot be too careful after all.” She said the last part with an apologetic look at Dante, the marine waving away her concern.

“I understand, alien creature and all that,” he answered happily. He found Nigel’s situation so hilarious that nothing much could phase him right now, all he could think of was that revenge had never been delivered in such an entertaining way.

His answer seemed to be enough for the impatient queen, Chrysalis grabbing Nigel’s armoured hand in her mouth before pulling him towards a door at the back with a giggle. Dante felt a twinge, a small, tiny twinge, of pity for the other human, Nigel moving as if he was a zombie. The queen and agent left through the door, the black barrier shutting with an ominous thud behind them. Dante turned to the look around at the waiting changelings, all of them either muttering amongst each other or staring at him with curiosity

“So,” Dante began. “About that room and drink…”

Dante took a sip of water from the cup. He held it up to examine it, the cup made out of the same shiny black substance that the entire cave system seemed constructed from. The water didn’t taste any different, despite the container it was in. Dante shrugged, after his walk in the desert any water would be acceptable.

The room he had been put in was okay, a little warm but he could survive. Like every room so far, it’s surfaces were also built from the same black material. He was sitting on a simple stool made from the same substance, the simple room devoid of any other furniture apart from a plain table. A tray with a selection of bread and fruit was placed upon the table, Dante preferring to not dwell on how the changelings kept it fresh.

He may have been okay with the room, but his guard was another matter.

The changeling that had been assigned to him was… weird. The guard was wearing heavy armour that seemed to be made of the same material as the chitin that covered changelings normally. It was female, the soldier introducing herself as number Nine-seven-two-one. Dante had mentally assigned her the name ‘Swiss’ due to the holes in her limbs reminding him of the cheese.

She was standing by the door, unarmed but her horn was as sharp as the other soldiers. Dante noticed that she stole glances at him, but when he faced her she was always was staring straight ahead at the wall. Something about her worried him, it wasn’t her race but rather a primal feeling of fear at the back of his mind.

He drummed his fingers on the table, so far he had been waiting for two and a half hours according to his watch. He wondered just what was taking so long, surely they weren’t going to spend the entire day underground. Granted it was shelter from the harsh sun, but Dante’s uncomfortable feeling was increasing by the minute.

“So, you’re called a human then?” Dante turned around very slowly as the soldier spoke up, this time she didn’t turn away.

“Yes, I am a human,” Dante replied with his unease fading with the soldier’s willingness to converse. The changeling batted her eyes at him and grinned.

“Are all male humans as handsome as you?”

Just like that, Dante’s unease was back with a vengeance. Now he knew for sure that something was wrong.

“Look, uh,” Dante began as the soldier continued to stare at him. “Thanks for the compliment but I’m not too comfortable with where this is going. I’ll sit here and wait, you continue to do your job.” Dante punctuated his statement by continuing to drink his water.

“Oh come on, do you think the Queen is the only one who wants to have a little fun?” Dante spat out his mouthful of water at her words, the implication of her question sending a shiver down his spine.

“What?” Dante spluttered as he wiped water from his chin. The soldier left her post, a predatory grin on her face.

“I’m not asking for much, and it’s boring waiting.”

“No,” Dante answered. “We can’t.”

“Sure we can,” the soldier replied. “A few minutes up against the wall or on the table and that’s all.” She closed in on him, Dante pushing his seat back. “I promise you, I’ll make it worth your time.”

“No, I mean we can’t because we’re different species,” Dante explained. His retreat from the soldier was halted as his seat hit a wall, the changeling continuing to advance on him.

“I don’t mind,” she informed him while licking her fangs with a red tongue. “It’d be a nice change and it’s not like a good source of love just walks in every day.” Dante found his back pressed up against the wall, the changeling now standing right in front of him. She lunged forward, Dante toppling off his seat as he dodged her. As he sat up on the floor the changeling recovered and placed her armoured forelegs on his stomach to pin him.

“I do mind,” Dante replied. “It’s wrong, weird and you’re a fucking bug!” The soldier jerked back like he had hit her, her hooves leaving him as she stumbled back. Dante watched as she plopped down onto her rump and stared at him with sadness.

“Do you… do you really think that?” she choked out with a sob. Dante was incredibly confused, how did she expect him to react?

“Look, it’s not you,” he started as he tried to undo the damage. “You’re a changeling, I’m a human, it’s not meant to work like that.” His explanation didn’t solve anything, the soldier crying into her hooves. Dante sighed, cursing that Chrysalis was taking so long with Nigel. “Come on, I’m sure all the other changelings think you’re great.”

“You’re just saying that,” the soldier didn’t fall for the weak attempt to console her. “Just forget it.” Dante sighed, but at least she was going to leave him alone. He watched as she got up off the floor and returned to her spot at the door. She stood up straight and stopped sobbing, although the occasional sniffle still escaped.

Dante remained on the floor with his back resting up against the wall, the marine deciding to not return to his seat. The past twenty-four hours had worn him out, and the wall was strangely comfortable. His eyes started to droop, Dante leaning his helmeted head back and drifting off into sleep.

Dante jolted awake, finding that he was still in the same room as before. There were a few changes however. His guard was no longer at the door, Dante glancing around to try and spot the changeling. A weight on his legs drew his attention, the marine freezing as he looked down.

Curled up with her body over his legs and her head on his groin was the changeling, the creature breathing heavily as it slept. Dante couldn’t move for a few minutes, the creature’s horn resting on his thigh and he didn’t want to risk waking her. His salvation came in the form of Nigel walking into the room with another changeling at his side.

“Soldier,” the new changeling addressed as she walked over and nudged the sleeping guard. The soldier slowly awoke, groaning as she lifted her head and blinked her eyes. She smiled as she spotted the face of Dante, however another kick from the new changeling brought her attention around.

“Infiltrator!” the soldier scrambled off Dante’s legs and stood to attention, raising a hoof in a salute. The infiltrator gestured down to Dante while she rolled her eyes.

“What are you doing sleeping on top of a guest of the Queen when you’re supposed to be guarding him?”

“I… I was keeping him warm,” the soldier stammered out. The infiltrator leaned forward and peered into the soldier’s eyes, before glancing down at Dante.

“Was she bothering you?” asked the infiltrator. “If so, a punishment is in order.” Dante noticed the soldier shiver in fear, the marine snapping out of his gaze.

“Uh… no she wasn’t,” he answered after a brief pause, the soldier shooting him a thankful look. The infiltrator glanced at the soldier once more before facing Dante again.

“Fine then. I’m Infiltrator Zephyr and I have been assigned as your guide. I’ve already met your companion.”

“Corporal Dante McClure, United States Marines Corps. What’s wrong with Nigel anyway?” Zephyr smirked, Nigel having not moved or spoken since he had left Chrysalis’s chambers.

“He’s still recovering from spending the day with her Majesty, or at least I believe that it’s because of that. He hasn’t said a word since I met him.” This worried Dante, not much seemed to be able to stop the agent from talking. Maybe waking up with a changeling sleeping on him wasn’t so bad after all.

“I see,” Dante responded, before furrowing his brows at Zephyr. “Hang on, why don’t you have a name and not a number like the rest of the changelings we’ve met?” Zephyr flicked her head and raised her head, her chest swelling with pride.

“I’m an infiltrator, the best of the soldiers. I was awarded my name by the Queen herself when I completed my first mission. Names also help us get used to introducing ourselves properly, helpful for when we have to live amongst ponies.” Dante nodded, finding the reasoning sound.

“That’s good for us,” he replied while tilting his head at the soldier. “I was thinking of just calling her ‘Swiss’, all those numbers get confusing.”

“You gave me a name?” Swiss asked with awe, Zephyr turning around to frown at her.

“You weren’t addressed, soldier. Also, remember that the Queen, and only the Queen, can name you. You’re still Nine-seven-two-one until she says so.” Swiss lowered her a head a little at this, Dante using the time to get up off the floor. The two changelings watched as he moved over to Nigel and waved a hand in front of his helmet.

“Yo, Chalmers?” Dante got no response, not even a bit of movement. He turned around and faced Zephyr. “Just what did your Queen do to him? “

“I don’t know exactly,” The infiltrator answered as she headed for the door. “All I know is that it was apparently loud and the Queen was very satisfied with the ‘payment’. Hence my service to you and the supplies waiting for us. The moon has just risen so we should get going now while it’s dark and cool. We’ve got a few hours of travel until the border town, let’s go.”

Dante took a second to stretch his legs before gathering his gear, the infiltrator waiting for him in the door. Securing his backpack, Dante grabbed Nigel’s arm and pulled, the silent human following behind. None of the three noticed the changeling soldier glance around conspiratorily and mouth the name that Dante had bestowed upon her before stealthily following the trio into the corridor.

“Water, check. Food, check. Nigel, check,.” Dante tapped Nigel on the shoulder, an armoured hand smacking the finger away.

“Bugger off.” Nigel had recovered from his state as soon as the three had left the cave, Dante’s backpack now full of food and water. The marine shrugged and took a swig from his canteen, Zephyr smiling at the pair’s interaction.

“Calm down you two,” she requested before pointing out to the west. “The border town is just out that way. I take you there, I leave and you can continue to do whatever it is that you do.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Nigel muttered as he started to trudge forward. “The sooner we leave here the better.” Dante gave Zephyr a shrug before following Nigel, the infiltrator increasing her pace to lead the two humans.

“Wait!”

All three stopped and looked back towards the cave, a lone drone running out with a large envelope grasped in his magic. The drone headed to Nigel, stopping in front of him and bowing.

“The Queen sends her regards and wishes you luck on your trip. She wished for me to convey that you, Nigel Chalmers, are welcome back anytime.” Nigel grumbled in reply , the drone levitating the brown envelope to towards him. The ISA agent took it from the air, the drone bowing and leaving as soon as Nigel had it.

“I wonder what’s in it,” Dante remarked as he and Zephyr watched Nigel open the envelope hesitantly. The agent reached in and withdrew a set of twenty photographs, the marine and changeling unable to see what they showed. Dante waited for Nigel to speak, the photos fanned out in his hand. Chalmers was frozen however, Dante moving around to the side to get a look at the photographs.

He stopped in surprise at the sight, Zephyr buzzing into the air to also get a look at what Nigel held.

Twenty photographs, all showing Queen Chrysalis in various lewd poses, greeted them. Dante averted his eyes quickly, uttering a quick prayer in an attempt to ward off the unwanted images ramming themselves into his mind. Zephyr hovered in place with her wings buzzing, the changeling letting out a low whistle at Chrysalis’s ‘gift’ to Nigel.

“Wow, you must have done a really good job,” the changeling informed as she nodded approvingly.

“How did she get these made so quickly?” Nigel muttered like a shellshock victim.

“I don’t have a single clue,” Zephyr unhelpfully replied. “Come on, we should get going.” Dante stopped Zephyr with a hand, the marine standing in front of Nigel while taking care to not glance at the photos again.

“Okay Nigel, what’s going on?” Dante interrogated. “Just what happened that was so bad that you no longer constantly complain, whine and showboat? Surely it wasn’t the end of the world so what the Hell has gotten into you?”

“Was it really that bad?” Zephyr asked as she tried to help, flying up to place a hoof on Nigel’s armoured shoulder. “From what I’ve been taught and know, changelings aren’t different from mammals in that regard-“

“It’s not that,” Nigel stressed out, Dante’s eyes widening as he figured it out.

“My God, you actually… you actually enjoyed it didn’t you?”

“No!” Nigel defended, Zephyr and Dante staring at him. Nigel’s shoulders and head slumped, the agent breathing out heavily. “Fine. Yes, yes I did.”

“That’s it?” Dante questioned with a sweep of an arm. “You’ve been acting like a trauma victim purely because you screwed a changeling queen and didn’t hate it?”

“Look,” Nigel shot back as he pointed his finger at the marine. “I did what I had to do to keep your annoying arse alive! Don’t you judge me!” Dante held up his hands in a pacifying gesture as he stepped back.

“Calm down, let’s just drop it.” Zephyr landed next to Dante as Nigel continued to glare at him.

“Let’s go,” Zephyr suggested, hoping that the issue wouldn’t flare up again.

“You go on ahead,” Nigel replied sullenly. “I have to burn these photos.”

Zephyr furrowed her brows and her wings gave a small flitter. “You can’t just burn them. They’re a gift from the Queen!”

“Zephyr, let him do it,” Dante ordered as he started to walk off to the west, Zephyr giving Nigel a final glance before following the marine and muttering to herself. Nigel watched them walk on without him before he looked back down at the photographs. He considered Zephyr’s words and thought about just why he was gifted them.

Chalmers glanced up at the backs of Dante and Zephyr, the pair talking to each other roughly one-hundred metres ahead. Quickly he stuffed the photos back into the enveloped and opened a storage compartment in the armour on his side. Slipping the envelope into his armour he closed the compartment and started to briskly walk towards the Changeling and marine.

“You burnt them all?” Dante asked as Nigel caught up to them, Zephyr too busy looking out for landmarks to contribute to the conversation.

“Yep,” Nigel replied as he resumed normal walking pace. Dante let it go and took a swig from his canteen, the three continuing to move west with the border town their destination.

“So what’s this place called again?” Nigel inquired as the three peered over a sand dune at the quiet town, no activity due to the early time of morning.

“Sweswing,” Zephyr informed before turning away from the town. The two humans stared as a green fire covered her body, the black chitin giving way to a cream-white coat and wings with a coal-black mane and tail. The changeling-turned-pony stretched her new limbs and took the time to neaten her mane.

“I suppose that’s why you’re called a changeling,” Dante observed. Zephyr nodded and checked over her body, making sure none of her original form remained.

“That’s right, as an infiltrator I do this stuff all of the time.”

“is it genetic?” Nigel asked, Dante noticing that his voice carried more than just idle curiosity. Zephyr smiled at him, no fangs present in her mouth.

“Not that I know of, all I know is that it takes some magic to do and I can’t hold the form forever without a steady supply of love.” Zephyr tested her wings, spreading the feathered appendages out to the sides. “Why are you interested?”

“Just curious,” Nigel answered. “Can you only change into equines or can you mimic other lifeforms with the same amount of accuracy?” Dante’s brow furrowed. Something about the way Chalmers was asking precise, methodical questions regarding the changeling’s abilities seemed off.

“Only similar sized creatures,” Zephyr responded with her smile still on her face, enjoying the normally sour human’s questions. “For example, I can turn into a zebra or normal pony, but only the Queen can take the form of an alicorn. I can’t even use the most basic magic in this form,” Zephyr explained as she turned sideways to give Nigel and Dante a better look at her new body and wings. “If I mimic a unicorn I can do magic but can’t fly, not that I can really do much apart from a few battle spells and levitation.”

“It’s very interesting,” Nigel continued, Dante deciding to try and offset Chalmers to hopefully shed some light on his motives.

“What, are you going to bang her as well?” Zephyr blushed a heavy green at his words, Dante assuming that the changes didn’t include the colour of the blood. Nigel didn’t react as expected however, something that confused Dante even more.

“I assure you that my intentions have nothing to do with that Dante,” Chalmers replied calmly. “I am merely keen to learn about other lifeforms, for completely innocent reasons.” As Dante was left completely gobsmacked that Nigel actually sounded like a competent soldier for once, the agent looked down at the equally surprised Zephyr. “Why are you coming into the town with us anyway? Your assignment was only to guide us here.”

Zephyr shuffled on her new hooves uncomfortably, a faint blush still on her cheeks.

“I, uh,” she started while the two humans gazed at her. “I like alcohol, the Queen doesn’t allow it back home so I tend to use any opportunity I can get.” Zephyr glanced up, ashamed of her favoured vice which she had confessed to the two humans. She was surprised to not find the disappointed glares she had come to expect, granted Nigel’s face was unreadable due to his helmet but Dante didn’t seem that disgusted.

“That’s it?” Nigel asked. “Liking the occasional drink is not a crime, Hell I get up to far worse things than that on a daily basis.”

“Same here,” Dante added with a nod. “Just not as much as Nigel. I don’t see wanting a drink to be that big a deal.”

“Thanks,” Zephyr replied as she rubbed one foreleg against the other. “It’s looked down upon as a pointless and reckless pastime by my people. I only started to blend in with ponies but I guess it grew on me.”

“We all have our quirks,” Nigel finished, gesturing to the town in the distance with a hand. “How about we try and find a tavern and see whether they’ll serve us, I’ll shout you a drink.” Dante smirked, seeing another chance to sneak in a cheap shot at the suddenly composed agent.

“First a drink, what next? A dinner date followed by a hotel room?”

“No,” Nigel responded as he walked past the stunned Zephyr, heading towards the town. “I just happen to be the only one carrying money, so I don’t think anyone else is going to buy one.” Dante didn’t bother arguing, he liked Nigel’s current attitude a lot better than the previous ones and didn’t want to ruin it. He followed Nigel and as he passed the still frozen Zephyr he gave her a brief pat on the head, the changeling focusing back on the current circumstances.

All three walked across the sand, the desert receding while rocky ground became more common. The town remained mostly quiet when they entered, the only activity coming from a large wooden building at the far end of the only main road. Hooves and boots travelled along the cobbled road as the trio approached the tavern. Oil lamps hanging from the roof illuminated the large, three story building and a few drunken figures exited out of the saloon doors. The four griffons glanced briefly at the humans and pegasus before continuing on their way, the hybrids not looking for a fight.

Zephyr took the lead, moving ahead of the two humans before walking through the doors. She was greeted by a large rectangular room filled to the brim with griffons and ponies in various states of inebriation, the two races often mixing in griffon towns bordering Equestria. Even though it was early in the morning the bar was showing no signs of quieting down.

Zephyr cringed, every being facing them as a loud smack rang out. The changeling remembered that Griffons were rumoured to exterminate changelings on sight.

She really needed to break her love of alcohol.

She turned around slowly, Dante standing behind her with his hands twitching. Nigel was standing in the doorway, a large chunk taken out from the wooden doorframe. Chalmers ignored the stares and calmly brushed wood chips and splinters off of his helmet, the entire tavern having gone quite.

“I hate these low doors,” Nigel mumbled as he ducked and entered, this time without damaging the building. Zephyr had time to observe that the armoured human was almost as tall as a minotaur bull, his bulk probably the reason for the lack of action taken by the bar patrons.

“How’s it going?” Dante inquired, the bar patrons focusing on him. He got no reply, leaving the three faced with an awkward silence.

“Hey, you three!” The trio looked towards the bar, a burly, ash-grey feathered griffon glaring at them. “Either buys something or get out, I have enough vagrants as it is.” Dante expected Nigel to explode into a rage-fuelled frenzy at the bartender’s words. The agent however showed no signs of anger, Chalmers swaggering up to the counter to place his looted gold down on the bar in front of the griffon.

“I assume you accept shiny gold coins?” The griffon glanced down, quickly counting the amount of money on the wooden counter.

“This pays for the door,” the bartender informed with a glare at Nigel. “You’ll still need more to buy anything.” Under his helmet Nigel smirked, so the griffon wanted to play this game.

“You have a point,” Chalmers answered while placing a hand on the bar. “However you should consider the amount of money you’d save in medical bills and further repair costs.” The bartender’s scowl deepened, everyone watching as a pair of talons carved furrows in the wooden counter.

“You’re either mighty brave or mighty stupid,” the bartender growled.

“Maybe I’m both,” Nigel retorted lightly as he leaned down so that his eyes were level with the griffon’s. “The question is just how stupid you think I can get.” The epic staring contest continued, both participants not budging in their battle of wills. Dante and Zephyr shared a look, both wondering what Nigel was working towards and whether they’d have to fight their way out of the town.

The tension dropped as the bartender’s scowl was replaced as a smirk, the griffon reaching under the bar and withdrawing three glasses.

“It’ s been a long time since someone questioned me,” he informed as he poured strong whisky into the glasses. He slid them across to Nigel, his smile fading. “You only get these though, after you finish I never want to see you or your two friends again.”

“Suits me fine,” Nigel replied as he grabbed the three glasses. Turning smartly, he marched to a free table near the door and sat down, the chair creaking under his weight.

“You better not break that too!” the bartender yelled, Nigel dismissing his concerns with a wave of his hand. Dante and Zephyr approached the table, the disguised changeling with much more enthusiasm. While they were sitting down, none noticed the lone earth pony mare slip in the door to lurk around the bar.

The attention of the bar patrons waned, the griffons and ponies returning to their own drinks. Zephyr adjusted her behind on the wooden stool before grasping her glass with her forelegs, the changeling taking a large gulp of the whisky. Dante and Nigel watched as she coughed and breathed in, the changeling greedily continuing to drink.

“Wow,” Dante murmured. “Look at her go.” Nigel nodded as Zephyr finished her glass, the changeling draining every last drop. Sighing, she placed her empty glass down on the table, Zephyr looking at it mournfully.

“Here,” Nigel said as he pushed his untouched drink over to her. “I don’t want it anyway.” Zephyr didn’t even thank him, the changeling immediately starting on the new beverage. Dante looked away from her and faced Nigel, the ISA agent keeping an eye on the rest of the patrons.

“Why’d you give up your drink?” Dante inquired before glancing at Zephyr, the changeling finishing her second drink with a burp. “I’d had you pegged as the drinking sort.”

“Oh, I’m a slave to the drop all right,” Nigel replied while continuing to scan for threats. “I just think taking my helmet off in this place is a bad idea.” Dante looked around, the other patrons on closer inspection looking like a rough and tumble crowd. His fingers nervously drummed on the table while he reminded himself that he still had the AK and his pistol on him if trouble did start.

A whine drew his attention back to Zephyr, Dante and Nigel staring at the changeling as she eyed Dante’s drink.

“Did you just…” Dante began, Zephyr’s body twitching as she gazed at the desired glass.

“And I thought I had problems,” Nigel mentioned, earning a flat look from Dante which he didn’t notice. “I think you should cut back there Zephs, don’t go and steal Dante’s.”

The changeling-pegasus pulled a dirty trick, fixing Nigel with a wide-eyed, pleading look. The human’s red helmet optics stared back unmoved.

“That won’t work on me, and besides, the glass is Dante’s.” The Marine silently cursed as the eyes were turned onto him, Dante unable to resist.

“Okay,” he huffed out as he passed his whisky to Zephyr. “I wasn’t planning on drinking it anyway.”

Once again the changeling dove into the drink, both humans shaking their heads at her behaviour. Any threats were forgotten as Zephyr chugged down the alcohol, Nigel and Dante more interested to find out if changelings could get drunk or not.

It was confirmed, Zephyr shakily slamming her glass back down and letting out a belch. It drew a few glances, a few of the pony stallions eying the attractive and now drunk mare with interested expressions. Dante noticed the gazes and the warning look from the griffon bartender, the marine getting the hint that they were outstaying their welcome.

“Come on Zephyr,” he addressed while he got up to help her down off her seat. “Do you have somewhere to go?” The changeling brushed off his concerns and headed to the door, Nigel also getting off his seat. Dante looked back at the bartender before the three left the tavern, the cool night air blowing in a light breeze.

“I’ll be fine,” the changeling slurred as she stumbled onto the main road. “Goodbye you two, I hope you don’t get killed or arrested or anything for doing something stupid.”

“Thanks,” Nigel replied with a chuckle before Zephyr disappeared around a corner.

“Should we really leave her like that?” Dante asked as the pair stood on the road. Nigel nodded his head.

“It’ll be okay, she seems like she’ll be able to handle herself fine. Zephs is a big girl after all, she doesn’t need her mummy Dante anymore.” Dante was about to remind Nigel about just who seemed to friendliest to the changeling before a loud squawk of surprise interrupted him. Both humans looked towards the direction of the sound, having come from the corner that Zephyr had gone.

“Let’s go help,” Nigel sighed, moving towards the noise as yelling filled the street.

“I thought you said she could handle herself,” Dante reminded as he followed Chalmers.

“Not the time, smartarse.”

Dante rolled his eyes, wondering if the ISA agent had been trained in hypocrisy. The two rounded the bend and paused, attempting to process the situation.

Zephyr was picking herself off the ground, the pegasus apologising profusely to a group of eleven griffons clad in dark cloaks.

“I’m sorry,” Zephyr blurted out as one griffon rubbed the side of his face while glaring at her.

“Look where you are going next time pony,” the injured griffon lectured, Zephyr also rubbing her left cheek.

“I will,” she answered, Nigel and Dante picking up a trace of fear in her voice. The two humans had ducked behind the corner of a wooden cart store and were peering out at the confrontation. It seemed like they wouldn’t be needed, the griffons seemed to be letting the mistake go unpunished.

“Hang on,” one of the griffons spoke up with a gruff voice. “Her bruise is green.” Zephyr tried to back away but one of the griffons grabbed her foreleg with a talon, pulling the hoof away to reveal the green bruise covering Zephyr’s face.

“Changeling spy,” another muttered, the injured griffon backing away from her with widened golden eyes.

“Or an assassin!” he accused with a pointed talon, the other griffons leaping into action. Ten of them, likely guards, drew an assortment of daggers and swords and the griffon who had made the accusation glanced around fearfully. “There might be more out there, protect your prince!”

Griffons scanned alleyways and rooftops, Nigel and Dante catching the glint of metal breastplates before they ducked back around the wall to avoid detection.

“Hold her!” a voice commanded, Dante glancing to Nigel.

“We need a plan-“ before he could finish, Chalmers darted out from the corner. Dante stared as the armoured human’s boots cracked the road while he ran, Nigel heading straight towards the armed griffons holding Zephyr. The marine drew his pistol and ran after him, leaving his complaints about the rashness of the charge for later.

The griffons noticed Nigel as soon as he moved from the hiding place, however the agent moved with a shocking speed for someone in full armour. Dante almost stopped in his tracks as the agent reached the griffon grasping Zephyr’s foreleg.

"Taste my justice!" Chalmers unleashed a vicious kick and nailed the guard in the chest. The griffon flew back, his talon letting go of Zephyr as a sickening crack rang out. He crumpled to the ground, holding onto his battered chest plate and taking rasping breaths.

Dante went for a griffon raising a sword to strike Nigel in the side, the hybrid turning around just as Dante got in close. Not wanting to use his precious ammo or kill the guard, Dante used the butt of his pistol as a club. The griffon squawked and dropped his weapon to clutch his head, the guard dropping to his knees. Dante ignored him, the other griffons reeling at the sudden attack while Nigel pulled Zephyr up to her hooves.

The changeling quickly took flight, still maintaining her disguise as her feathered wings propelled her upwards. She headed away from the fight, aiming for the desert and freedom. Zephyr stopped as the sound of metal on metal clashed down below, the griffons having forgotten her to focus on the humans she had guided to the town. Chalmers was currently using his armoured forearms to deflect the blows of two griffons, three more circling Dante who had no such protection.

Zephyr gulped as she noticed a trio of griffons flank the two, the hybrids cutting off the way the bipeds had entered from. She looked around, the changeling spotting a griffon airship with no decoration sitting out away from the town. Her inebriation had been dulled by the sudden flight for he life, but she still didn’t question what a griffon prince was doing in a border town with ununiformed guards and an unmarked airship.

What she did question was what she should do.

On one hoof she was home free, the humans would buy her enough time to escape back into the desert. On the other, she felt a guilty that she was considering leaving them after they had saved her. Even with her mind still a little muddled, Zephyr made her decision.

Nigel was parrying the blows of his attackers, their short swords unable to pierce the armour of his suit. It wouldn’t last forever though, Dante didn’t have the same privilege and the griffons could probably overwhelm them with sheer numbers. Lights had started to turn on in the surrounding houses, Nigel having overheard that the leader of the group they were fighting was a prince.

He had no doubts about who would suffer if griffon reinforcements arrived.

One of his opponents was jerked back mid-thrust, Nigel and the second griffon looking up.

Zephyr was beating the un-helmeted soldier in the head with her hooves as she hovered, the griffon visibly rattled. Nigel took the opportunity to punch his other enemy square in the chops, his armoured fist breaking the guard’s jaw with a crack and taking him out of the fight.

With a final hoof stamp, Zephyr knocked her griffon out, his sword clattering to the cobbled ground. A sudden bang and a scream rang out, Zephyr wincing and covering her ears like the surrounding griffons. Nigel looked over, Dante holding his smoking M9 out in front of him. A griffon guard was rolling around on the ground clutching his bleeding talon, having been shot in the fight.

“Let’s go!” Dante yelled out, not keen for his life to be ended by a group of sword wielding mythological creatures. While the griffons were still reorganising after the gunshot, the marine dashed past them, heading towards the desert. Nigel followed after grabbing Zephyr’s foreleg, pulling the still-flying pegasus with him as they made a run for it.

Zephyr recovered and pointed towards the direction Dante was heading.

“There’s an airship just out that way! If we take it then we can try and out run them!” She was still slurring her words, however Nigel trusted her judgement.

“Dante, you hear that!?” Nigel shouted as the marine speeded up ahead.

“I did!” he called back as they neared the edge of the town. “Do you know how to fly an airship!?”

“Not a clue!” Nigel answered as Zephyr started to fly ahead of him, the changeling a little wobbly. “We’ll just have to wing it!”

“So like the entire time we’ve been here!?” Dante panted, with the combination of running in full gear and shouting not doing him much good.

“Wouldn’t change it for the world!” Nigel yelled.

“Keep going!” Zephyr called out as Dante almost tripped over a rock. “It’s just up ahead!” The two humans looked up as they continued to run, spotting the airship with the plain grey airbag already half inflated. The main was about the size of the tavern, constructed from what looked like a light metal with glass portholes dotted along the side.

Nigel stumbled when two objects smacked into his back, the force causing him to almost lose his footing. Only his rigorous ISA training spent in full armour saved him, Chalmers avoiding falling to the ground. A female scream alerted him that not everyone was so lucky, Nigel noticing Zephyr fall out of the sky with two sticks embedded in her rump and one through her left wing.

Nigel glanced back as he dashed for her, Zephyr hitting the desert ground with a thump and further cries of pain. A mass of griffons, these ones wearing light armour and helmets, were flying after the group and closing fast. Chalmers guessed that these were guards from the town itself. They were wielding crossbows, a few more bolts flying past him as Dante turned to head towards the fallen Zephyr.

“I’ve got her, you get the blimp!” Nigel called to Dante as another bolt hammered into his back armour. He knew that the other human would not be as well protected from the projectiles, the marine wisely following the order and rushing up to the blimp’s side.

Nigel skidded to a halt before Zephyr, the still-disguised changeling curled up in a ball on the ground. He quickly picked her up and held her in a hug, risking hurting her further to shield her from any more bolts. Nigel whipped his head behind him again as he stood up, receiving a bolt straight to his armoured forehead. His head was jolted, but the bolt failed to penetrate the armour made to deflect bullets and energy shots.

It did piss him off though.

Nigel glared at the griffon that had shot him in the face, the guard having flown out in front of his fellows. His empty crossbow was dropped, the guard drawing his sword and hoping that it would be more effective. The griffon closed, Nigel thinking quickly to avoid Zephyr getting stabbed.

The guard opened his beak in a warcry, aiming his sword towards the changeling assassin that the undercover royal guards had warned them about.

His cry and vision was interrupted by a payload of desert sand, Nigel having grabbed a handful and thrown it at him as he approached. Blinded, the guard careened to the ground, Nigel bringing up a knee to intercept him.

The armoured limb clipped the griffon on the side, the leather armour he wore doing nothing to stop the force of the blow from the power armour. The guard smashed down into the sand, much like Zephyr had, with a groan. The groan turned into a gurgled scream, Nigel stamping a boot down on the guard’s right wing.

Bones snapped, taking the limb out of action and ensuring that the guard would be unable to continue the pursuit.

“Wanker,” Nigel insulted as green blood ran down his armour.

“Nigel!” Chalmers turned to the blimp, the rest of the guards closing in and reloading their crossbows. Dante was standing on a gangway, a door on the side opened to reveal the interior. The marine had his rifle on his shoulder, the weapon aimed towards the griffons. Nigel didn’t need to be told what to do, the agent sprinting towards the grounded airship, the now fully-inflated balloon raising into the air.

While Nigel and Zephyr were still two hundred metres away the airship began to lift off the ground, Chalmers putting on an extra burst of speed to reach it as yet more bolts thudded off his armour. The griffons kept their distance, wary of suffering the same fate as their fallen comrade.

Just as the airship was almost fully off the ground, Nigel made it and climbed aboard, Dante ushering him through the door leading to a wooden hallway before shutting it behind them and locking it with the heavy bolt. No one, human or griffon, noticed the shadowy figure that flew up to the back of the airship to hide atop of the metal structure.

“They’re still coming,” Dante huffed out as he looked out a porthole, Nigel flinging open cabinets and searching through them. He ignored Dante as he grabbed a handful of grey cloth, placing the bleeding Zephyr on top of it as he laid her down on the wooden floor. Dante winced at the changeling’s injuries, the infiltrator shivering as she lay on the makeshift bed.

“Who the hell's flying the ship?” Nigel asked as he focused on entering mental commands to his helmet, a compartment opening on his right arm. Dante rushed to the front of the ship with his rifle raised, passing through two doors while Nigel knelt down over Zephyr. Guards banged on the metal door, Nigel paying them no mind as an assorted mass of needles and medical devices emerged from his arm compartment.

The griffons continued to break down the door, however their efforts were hampered as the ship had taken off and they had to fly at the same time. Zephyr gasped before going still as Nigel injected a mix of anesthetics, immune boosters and blood-production stimulants into her neck, Chalmers hoping that the chemicals would work and not kill the guide. She was in a rough shape and a lot of pain already though, so he thought that the risk was worth it.

He was lucky, the armour around his right hand receding back into the main arm armour and enabling him to check Zephyr’s pulse. He placed his fingers on her neck, finding a vain that pulsed with a steady rhythm. He was lucky that she had retained her pony form, he doubted he would have been able to locate her pulse while she was a changeling. The drugs had gone to work, Zephyr fast asleep.

Nigel quickly pulled the crossbow bolt through her wing by the head, the back end sliding out with no resistance. He threw it to the ground and went for the ones in her rump, one in the middle of the left buttock while the other was located in the right. He quickly pulled the left one out, a stream of green blood flowing out as he did so. The same happened to the right, Nigel having to pull Zephyr’s tail to the side to clear it away from the last bolt. He didn’t look away as he pulled the last one out, preserving Zephyr’s modesty in a situation like this was not his priority.

Besides, it wasn’t like this was her normal body anyway.

He pressed wads of the cloth up against the wounds while the medical suture laser in his arm armour warned up. The ships swayed from side to side, interrupting him. Dante emerged from the door, dragging a kicking griffon with a large bump on its head that Nigel recognised as the supposed prince

“This guy was trying to fly the ship away, but he couldn’t even work out the wheel,” Dante scoffed before wincing at the state of Zephyr. “I don’t even know how he managed to get it in the air. Sorry about the rocking, he was… resistant.”

“Hold these on,” Nigel directed to Dante, the marine letting the griffon go to hold the cloth to Zephyr’s wounds. The Prince tried to crawl away but Nigel caught him, his armour allowing him to slam the hybrid against the wall. “Great job arsehole!” Nigel raged. “Thanks to you we had to steal this ship. Are you even a real bloody Prince?” Nigel’s mind was currently seeing the griffon as the sole-source of his current problems, the cloaked hybrid’s eyes bugged out in fear.

“I am!” he pleaded. “Let me go, or my father will make you pay if you hurt me!” Nigel sneered under his helmet, some green blood from his hands getting on the griffon’s sun-yellow neck feathers.

“You think I care about your father? I should kill you right now!” The Prince whimpered, another bang on the outside door reminding Nigel that they had other problems. He grinned, moving towards the door and turning the Prince around so that the griffon’s back was placed up against his armoured chest. “I’ve got another use for you though.”

With that Nigel unlocked the bolt holding the door, the metal barrier banging open in the wind. Griffon guards flew back, five of the soldiers having continued the pursuit. Each one hovered in the air and eyed the human and Prince warily, their swords staying by their sides at the risk to the high-born griffon.

“Let him go,” one of the guards yelled over the wind, Nigel looking down to see that they were very high off the ground. Instead of the desert, the blimp was drifting over a set of green fields far down below. Chalmers looked at the guards and chuckled a humourless laugh.

“Let him go? Sure, I can do that.”

With those words Nigel held out and dropped the Prince, his right leg swinging up at the same time.

It was a perfect dropkick, the Prince squawking as armoured boot collided with his unprotected posterior. The royal griffon wailed as he toppled down the side of the airship, the guards giving Nigel a final, hateful look before descending in an attempt to catch the Prince whose wings were caught in his cloak. Nigel smiled and pulled the door shut, bolting it again before looking down at Dante and the unconscious Zephyr.

“You look after her,” Dante passed off as he stood up. “I’ve got to try and not crash.” He left through the door, leaving Nigel to tend to their companion’s wounds. Chalmers knelt down and removed the cloth coverings, the thin beam from the laser searing flesh as he squeezed the wounds together.

Soon all of the major ones were done, the wing however had to be wrapped in bandages. Zephyr would not be flying for a while. Nigel wiped his hands on the cloth before picking the bloody changeling up off the ground, the cream fur stained green in a variety of places. He grabbed another few sheets of fresh cloth from the cabinets and walked into the forward cabin, Dante using the ship’s wheel to steer the airship.

“Are you able to fly it?” Nigel asked as he spread the cloth on the floor and set Zephyr down.

“I think so,” Dante replied as he stared out the large glass windshield. “I still have no clue where we’re going.” Nigel walked over and looked out, finding that instead of the desert they were passing over the top of a small coastal town. “I still have no idea where we are.”

“We can work with that,” Nigel replied as he scanned to plain wooden room. “How is this thing even flying forwards?”

“Asking the wrong person,” Dante pointed out. Both dropped the issue, focusing on more important things. “Do you think they’ll follow us?”

“Probably,” Nigel commented as he walked back over to Zephyr. “Although we are over the ocean so they may just let us go.”

“We did steal their ship,” Dante reminded as he looked back at the two. “Is she okay?”

“Most likely, she’s lost some blood but I stopped the bleeding. I have no idea if the immunity boosters I gave her will work though, being a changeling and all that.” Chalmers crouched down and moved Zephyr to a more comfortable position on her side. Dante turned back to the front of the ship, focusing on the ocean.

“We are so screwed.”

“Oh, undoubtedly,” Nigel answered as he sat down next to Zephyr. “Those griffons were decent fighters, who knows who else we’ll piss off?”

“With you, everyone we meet.”

“Shut up.”

“Fine,” Dante said as he focused back on flying the airship. “The truth hurts I know.”

“What hurts,” Nigel replied coldly while rubbing Zephyr’s head. “Is what I do to whiny, useless marines who are so full of themselves that they don’t even realise it.” Dante turned around, letting go of the wheel as he stared at Nigel in shock.

“I’ve done it,” Dante muttered. “I’ve managed to find the most insufferable person in existence.”

“Is that all young colt?”

“I’m not a colt, you imbecile!”

Fresh Produce rolled her eyes as she started to bag up the strange unicorn’s food. The earth pony mare didn’t bother lecturing the pony on respect for elders, the sooner the rude teenager was gone from her vegetable stall the better.

The purple colt stamped his hooves impatiently, Produce rolling her eyes at his behaviour. He didn’t help himself with his childish attitude or his tacky cloak, Nightmare Night wasn’t for another three months. Her three colts weren’t nearly as strange as this one was.

“You’re buying some food for a party?” Produce asked politely, earning a snort in reply from the colt.

“No, you vile plebeian,” the unicorn shot back. “I am preparing for the end of the world. Your rudeness shall not be forgotten, and you can be sure that I will be laughing when you and all you love is burning in fire!” Produce’s only response was to raise an eyebrow, the early mornings in Manehattan always brought out the weird ones.

“Prophet!”

Produce looked up at the voice, two more cloaked ponies approaching the weird colt. The one who had spoken, a very pretty young mare who shouldn’t be hiding her face under a hood, approached the colt and gestured towards the last cloaked pony.

“What is it, Cultmember Fable?” The colt asked as he glared at Produce.

“Nut Case here has managed to track the two humans down!” Produce glanced at the last pony, a unicorn stallion who looked to be far too old to be playing with teenagers.

“Yes my Prophet!” the stallion cackled as he bowed before the colt. “Using the spell that my great grandfather taught me all those years ago, I have located our quarry!”

“Excellent!” The colt praised. “Where are the humans? We must catch them at once!” Nut Case’s horn glowed a sickly orange, the stallion muttering to himself as he stared at his hooves. With a maniacal grin he looked back up at the colt, his lips pulled back in a disturbing smile.

“Just outside the Griffon lands, heading out across the sea!”

“We can’t go that far out!” the mare complained. “It’s too far away! You’ll just have to find some other humans to use in the ritual.” Produce almost dropped the squash she was placing into a bag.

‘Ritual?’ she thought with alarm.

“You’re right,” the colt muttered as he snatched his bag from Produce, giving the surprised mare a glare as he threw his payment down onto the wooden stall-top. “I’ll head to the temple to prepare it, you take Nut Case and track them down.”

“But-“

“No buts Fable!” the colt growled back. “Your eternal salvation is riding on your obedience, remember?” The mare nodded, the adult stallion continuing to cackle to himself quietly. The colt started to trot away, his paper bag balanced on his back. “I’ll send you the directions once I find the mystical temple, now go!” With that the colt disappeared into the crowd, leaving the mare and the unhinged stallion left.

“Honey,” Produce called out as the mare sighed and started to leave. The young unicorn turned around, her glimmering emerald eyes gazing questionably up at the middle-aged earth pony farmer. “You need some new friends, a pretty young unicorn mare like you could do so much better.”

“Thanks,” the unicorn acknowledged in a soft voice. “But the Prophet needs my help, I’m sorry about your eternal damnation.”

Produce shook her head while the mare and her stallion companion wandered off, the farmer muttering to herself.

“Young ponies these days, what do they teach them in the schools?”

Author's Note

Dropbear - Well, this happened.

Kabar- That it did, that it did.

Dropbear - To all viewers, every single problem you have with this fic is Kabar's fault. He lives at forty-seven-

Kabar - Wait what? No! Don't listen to him, he lies constantly.

Dropbear - And you whored my OC out to Chrysalis!

Kabar - You set a creepy stalker changeling on mine!

Dropbear - He wanted it, everyone wants a changeling waifu.

Kabar - You're sick, you know that?

Dropbear - On that note, time for us to stop clogging up the author's notes with pointless bullshite. Once again, all complaints should be forwarded to Kabar as he loves answering all of your problems and death threats.

Kabar - Fuck you. I regret ever starting this collab.

Dropbear - You knew what you were getting into. Until next time readers.

Until next time.

Shipwrecks, Stalkers and Striped Horses

Swiss, as she was now calling herself, sighed in relief when she finally managed to close the outside hatch. Infiltrating an airship was far more difficult when it was moving, and fighting against the strong winds on the outside was incredibly tiring. She stayed in the small crawlway for a few moments to catch her breath, before she remembered her goal.

To find, and win the heart of, Corporal Dante.

Swiss beamed at the thought of them being together, the first date, their first kiss, trying for children, most likely failing at that, but still living happily ever after despite it. Oh, she couldn’t wait to see him again, and to hear his soothing voice.

With these thoughts driving her forward, Swiss began to crawl through the airship’s ducting in search of her idea of happiness. She was in luck, after only a few minutes she heard a wonderful sound.

The voice of her beloved.

“Fuck off Nigel, I’ve had just about enough of your shit!”

Oh, even his cursing and raised voice was music to her ears.

With newly-rekindled vigor, she crawled as fast as she could towards the voices, the other human’s nothing but incomprehensible noise compared to her Dante. With joy, she found herself looking down upon Dante through a vent grill, the hunky human soldier waving his strange weapon around in the air.

Carefully, but quickly, Swiss began to remove the grill from the vent, using her mouth to pull it up and away. Placing it aside, she examined the hole left behind and came to the conclusion that she would be able to fit through it. A solid plan in her mind, Swiss grinned, prepared her body, and leapt through the hole into the room below.

“And another thing-”

Dante’s rant at Nigel was interrupted by a happy yell from above.

“Dante, I found you!”

Dante had just enough time to look up, and his heart had enough time to fill with dread, before a weight collided with his head and something wrapped around his face.

“They’re coming out of the vents!” Nigel yelled, not really helping the situation but that wasn’t his goal. Dante let out muffled grunts and screams while he ran around, his gun discharging in the confusion.

The bullet screamed out of the barrel, collided with Nigel’s shoulder armour and ricocheted up through the roof of the airship. The gun fell from his hands, Dante using both in an attempt to remove whatever was attached to him.

“Get it off, get it off!” he screamed, remembering a certain movie that he had watched a couple of weeks ago.

It had ended badly.

“But I love you!”

Dante recognised the voice, and somehow his fear increased.

‘No, not her! Anything but her!’

“Hold still!” Nigel commanded, Dante obeying in the hope that Swiss would be removed from his face as soon as possible. A harsh punch hit him in the stomach, the breath forced out of his lungs and Dante sank to the ground.

“What… what the Hell was that?” he wheezed, Swiss starting to nuzzle his helmet lovingly. “How did that help?”

“That’s for calling me insufferable,” Nigel told him, hurt evident in his voice. “Maybe next time, you’ll think before you speak."

“Son of a bitch,” Dante huffed, curling up into a ball and trying to alternate between holding his stomach and removing Swiss.

“Shh, do you want me to kiss it better?” Swiss offered, rubbing Dante’s helmet in an effort to sooth him.

“I want you to get the fuck off my face.” Dante’s reply was muffled, and Swiss only tightened her hold on him.

“No!” she answered with fear. “If I do, you’ll run off and I’ll lose you again!“

"Nigel, help me!” Dante tried, him hands once again grabbing the changeling around the torso in an attempt to remove her. “I’ll do anything!”

“You have to apologise-” Nigel began, before Dante interrupted him..

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Dante answered. “Just get her off me!”

With a satisfied nod, Nigel moved forward and grabbed Swiss under the forelegs. He pulled, and despite her attempts to remain hugging her i love Swiss found her grip to be lacking. With a wail, she flailed her limbs and tried to beat the armoured hands holding her with no effect.

“No! Put me back, put me back!”

While Dante took deep breaths of wonderful, changeling-free oxygen, Nigel turned Swiss around so that she was glaring into his helmet optics. “No, you leave Dante alone. Jumping out of vents onto people’s faces without permission is a naughty thing to do, bad changeling!” Swiss continued to squirm in his grip, her hooves beating against his armour in vain.

“Holy Jesus that was horrifying,” Dante shuddered before glancing at Swiss. “What the Hell is wrong with you!”

“It’s obvious,” Nigel chortled, enjoying the situation far too much. “You’ve gone and picked yourself up a stalker, congrats!” He held Swiss out like a carnie presenting a fairground prize, Swiss beaming at Dante with her wide blue eyes. Dante was not amused, so he responded in the way he had been since his arrival on the pony planet.

“That’s funny, coming from you,” he shot back, standing up. “Remember the Queen and her photos-”

“Shut up,” Nigel ordered, raising Swiss over his head. “Or i’ll sic your stalker back on you, and not help you remove her again.”

It was at that moment when the ship jolted to the left, cloth and other unsecured items sliding towards the portside. Both humans struggled to maintain their footing while the ship listed.

“What the?” Dante began, glancing out a circular window. “We’re sinking, and we’re still over the ocean!”

As if prompted by his words, the ship tilted even more. Both glanced behind them when the injured Zephyr began to slide towards the wall, and Dante tried to figure out what to do.

Unluckily for him, Nigel was already enacting a plan.

“Catch!” Chalmers called out, throwing Swiss towards the marine much to Dante’s terror. He held out his arms to stop the changeling from getting onto his face again, but in doing so he provided her the perfect opening.

With a happy yell and a buzzing of wings, Swiss guided herself into his arms, wrapping her legs around his body and holding on tight. Dante started down in her at horror, his arms still out to the sides as he was left frozen on the spot.

Nigel, meanwhile, quickly moved to intercept the wayward Zephyr, picking her up off the makeshift cloth bed before the sleeping changeling could smack into the wall. With their wounded companion safe, Chalmers looked around for a way out as the ocean drew ever closer.

“Dante,” he addressed while moving over to a cabinet. “Look around for something that can float, and any supplies if you can them.”

The marine was left shocked, and this time it wasn’t because of the creature in his arms. There Nigel went again, talking without sounding like a whiny man-child without his juice box. If he acted civil and serious only in times of danger, Dante wondered if all the crap that happened to them was as bad as he thought it to be.

“Move it!”

At the yell, Dante was reminded that they were indeed in danger of crashing and then sinking. He gave Swiss a glare before stumbling over to pick up his dropped rifle. Next was the airship’s wheel, Dante remembering that he had spotted a small cabinet which would hopefully have some supplies stored.

‘The things I put up with,’ he thought to himself, the changeling hugging him seeming to be oblivious to the oncoming peril while she rubbed her face against his shoulder. She seriously disturbed him, reminding him of those people that stalked Hollywood celebs only to steal things from their bins so they can construct shrines.

He didn’t sign up for this.

Putting his regrets to the side, he awkwardly walked over, bent down and opened the cabinet. It contained three small boxes, Dante pulling all of them out.

One was marked ‘Flares’, the second was marked ‘Life Raft’, and the last was labelled ‘For Most Dire Emergencies Only’. Attaching the first and third boxes to his combat webbing, Dante held aloft the box with the raft.

“I found a raft!” he announced, Nigel turning around from a set of cabinets.

“I found medical supplies and pills!” Chalmers informed back, holding a bag with one hand while the other was used to support Zephyr. “Is there any food or water left in there?”

“One sec!” Dante called back over the loud groaning sound that was echoing through the ship. He placed the life-raft box down on the ground and tried to rummage through the cabinet some more. Unfortunately, his burden prevented him from getting all the way to the back. “Look, can you just let go of me all already? It’s life or death here!”

“I do not fear death, for I am with you,” Swiss murmured happily, still refusing to let go. Dante hurriedly tried to figure out what to do, one solution coming into his head. It wasn’t pretty, but he wasn’t about to die on a griffon airship with a love-struck changeling holding him like a teddy bear.

“Okay, okay,” he began to bargain. “If you let me go and help us get off this ship, I’ll,,, I’ll give you a kiss after.”

“A kiss?” Swiss muttered with awe, gazing up at him with a grin.

“Only one,” Dante clarified. “And no tongue either, just a simple kiss.”

“Deal!”

Swiss detached herself, Dante immediately diving back into the storage cabinet and continuing his search. His helmet bumped the top when the ship lurched, their time running out. His searching hands found another box, and he pulled it free. Without looking at it, he held onto it and stood up. Chalmers was stumbling towards him, Zephyr in one arm and a bunch of cloth bags in the other.

“You find anything!?” Chalmers questioned with a yell.

“No food or water!” Dante shouted back. Both of them glanced to the port side, the blue of the ocean not far away.

“Forget it, we have to go! Where’s the raft?”

Dante looked at the boxes on his waist, then he remembered that he had put the life-raft down. He turned to look behind him, hoping that they had enough time to inflate it.

He was met with the sight of Swiss holding an orange bundle in her hooves, the changeling’s horn glowing with a green light appearing around a red tag marked ‘inflate’.

“I’m helping!” she announced happily, Dante and Nigel’s eyes widening as she started to pull the tag.

“Swiss, no!” Dante yelled, however it was too late and the tag was pulled free.

‘Ouch.’

Zephyr grimaced and blinked open her eyes, the shining sun greeting her with full force. She shifted, a spike of pain flaring up her back as her wing and rump ached. Remembering that she’d been shot with crossbow bolts, Zephyr tried to stand up.

“Sit back down.”

Glancing up, she was met with a black helmet, and she realised that the human called Chalmers was holding onto her.

“Why are you holding me?” she questioned, feeling weak while she sat back down as ordered.

“Look around,” Nigel replied, Zephyr doing so and not liking what she saw.

Herself, Nigel, Dante and for some reason the guard Dante called ‘Swiss’ were all sitting in a small orange life-raft, the wide-open ocean churning around them. There was no land in sight, and Zephyr began to seriously question her life choices.

“Why are we in a raft on the ocean?” she inquired flatly.

“Well,” Nigel began. “After Swiss jumped onto Dante’s face, Moron Marine decided to shoot his gun while waving his arms around and screaming. The bullet hit me, then it must have gone up and hit the airbag. Then, after finding a raft, Swiss decided to help by inflating it… inside the ship. Luckily, we managed to get out before sinking. We’ve got no food or water though, and we’re kind of just drifting along.”

“Oh,” Zephyr replied, not really sure what else to say. “That’s… bad.”

“No, really?”

Zephyr glared at Dante when he snarled at her, the marine sitting right next to Nigel in the cramped raft. Swiss was on his lap, the changeling soldier gazing up at Dante patiently.

“Hey, no need to act like that!” she growled back. “I don’t know what’s happening! I’m on a raft out at sea, with a sore behind and a useless wing! Why are you so grumpy!?”

“Swiss has been trying to get a kiss from him,” Nigel informed nonchalantly.

“He owes me it,” Swiss confirmed with a nod. “But he refuses to pay up!”

“I said I’d give you a kiss if you let go of me, not inflate the raft inside the cabin!”

Zephyr sighed and closed her eyes, leaning back against the cool metal armour that served as her seat. There was no way she was dealing with this now, or even bothering to figure out where ‘Swiss’ had come from. There was one thing she knew for certain, however.

The Queen would not be amused with her, or Swiss for that matter.

Grimacing, she shifted around on the spot to try and get a look at her injured rump. She wasn’t able to see it clearly, but there was at least one scar on the white fur. While gritting her teeth, Zephyr prepared for the painful experience of changing while wounded.

Without a word of warning to her shipmates, she transformed, green magic covering her body and unleashing jabs of pain upon her.

“Fuck!”

A splash sounded, and the raft jolted violently.

“Dante! No!”

Zephyr couldn’t see anything, her eyes shut in agony, but from the sounds she guessed that Dante had fallen overboard. Wincing as her rump burned, Zephyr opened her eyes and confirmed that the slightly less-strange human was in the choppy water.

“It’s okay, I can swim!” Dante called, the raft continuing on without him. Swiss’ wings buzzed, the soldier preparing to take off at a moment’s notice. Despite Dante’s assurance that he could swim, the raft was traveling too quickly and he was being left behind.

“I’m going to get him!” Swiss announced, buzzing away into the air with desperation.

“Hang on, take this,” Nigel stopped her, holding out a box marked ‘For Most Dire Emergencies Only’. Swiss grabbed it in her forehooves and flew off, tearing at it with her teeth.

‘Almost… there.’

Dante huffed as he swam freestyle towards the raft, his gear and armour slowing him down but he didn’t want to ditch it. He knew he could do it, being second in his class when it came to the swimming training he did back home.

An incoming black blur caused him to mentally curse, Swiss was not someone he wanted to deal with now.

The changeling held a box in her hooves, the top already torn off.

“Dante, catch!”

A coloured blob of yellow, brown and white was thrown to him, the remains of the box falling into the sea. Dante rolled his eyes and swam towards the item, reaching it and trying to stay afloat while he tried to figure out what it was. With relief, he spotted the red pull-tag that was the same on the raft, and a second later it was pulled. The plastic object began to inflate, blowing up to life right before Dante and Swiss’ eyes.

The blow up Griffon reached its full size, Dante staring at it with a mix of confusion and horror. Snapping out of it a second later, he grabbed a hold of it and used it as a flotation device. From his position in the water, he could indeed see that it was anatomically correct. He shuddered, wondering how creatures that seemed so backwards could make self-inflatable sex dolls.

“Oh my…” Dante looked up, Swiss hovering in the air with a blush on her face and a hoof over her mouth.

Obviously, she had realised what she had just thrown him.

“What are you waiting for!?” he called up, trying to ignore what he was holding. “Tow me back to the raft so I can get off this thing!”

“Right, on it!” Swiss nodded, zooming back to the distant raft.

“Swiss!” Dante yelled, the changeling turning around. “Don’t just leave me, tow me!”

“I’m going to see if there’s any rope-“

“Forget rope!” Dante told her. “Just… use your hooves or mouth.”

Dante wasn’t certain, but he swore that Swiss grinned at his words. She flew down, wrapping her forehooves around the neck of the griffon and smiling at him.

“Don’t worry Dante, I’ll get you back and then you can give me that kiss in thanks!” Dante frowned, her words not soothing his worry at all. Swiss remained cheery however, her wings beating as she pulled them back to the raft. Meanwhile, Dante kicked in an effort to return as soon as possible. Nigel was bad, but being stuck in the ocean with Swiss, alone, was utterly terrifying.

With both working together, they soon caught up to Nigel and Zephyr in the main raft. The first thing Dante heard was a loud, booming laugh from Nigel, no doubt at the item that he was clinging to.

“For most dire emergencies only, I think you took it a little too literally Dante!”

“Shut up Nigel!” Dante shouted back, his teeth chattering from the cold water.

“Don’t worry about him,” Swiss whispered. “He’s just jealous that I chose you over him.”

‘I wouldn’t bet on it,’ Dante thought, biting back a scathing reply. Currently, Swiss was the only one flight capable and she could prove to be useful in future situations that they would no doubt encounter given their current rate of luck. He’d just have to try and put up with her unwanted advances, even if it had crossed the line of creepy long ago.

Finally, they reached the main raft. Carefully, but quickly, Dante climbed back aboard and sat next to Nigel and the embarrassed Zephyr.

“Not one fucking word.”

“I’m sorry,” Zephyr apologised, despite his order. “I wasn’t thinking and I should have warned you.”

“He’s lucky that I was here,” Swiss informed while she buzzed down to sit back on Dante’s lap.

“Do you really have to sit on me?”

“I don’t see anywhere else,” Swiss told him, gesturing around the cramped boat. “There’s only enough room for you and Nigel if Zephyr and me share a spot with each of you. Besides,” Zephyr grinned up towards him. “You owe me a kiss more than ever, and this makes it easier to do.”

Another chuckle from Nigel diverted everyone’s attention, Dante breathing out a sigh of relief.

Relief that was short-lived.

“Hey Dante, you could always ride the griffon until we get to shore.” Nigel’s tone was not something Dante was enjoying. Considering the fact that they were stuck out in the middle of the ocean, his constant humour was incredibly out of place. It was if it was all one big joke for Nigel, no matter what happened he was enjoying it immensely. Dante stared at the floating griffon doll, anger building up inside him.

“Stupid piece of Shit,” Dante grumbled.

With a push, it was sent on its way out into the great ocean, everyone watching it leave without much regret.

“Alas, poor blow-up,” Nigel began, placing a hand over his chest. “Dante knew you well.”

Dante shook his head, not bothering to reply. A tug on his vest caused him to look down, Swiss grinning up at him as she swivelled around.

“Come on, pucker up,” she commanded, raising an eye at him. “You promised, and I just saved you, so I want my kiss.”

He winced, regretting ever making that promise to her. It’s not like it had helped them in anyway. Still, he had made a promise, and the sooner it was over, the better.

Besides, it wasn’t as bad as what Nigel had to do.

Dante closed his eyes, and took a deep breath to prepare himself for the unpleasantness that he was about to experience. He kept them closed and leaned forward, angling his head downwards. He ignored the laughter from Nigel and Zephyr, and soon his mouth made contact with another.

He grimaced and held the contact for three seconds, before pulling away and staring out to the side.

“See, it wasn’t that bad, was it?”

“I don’t think he has the same opinion, Swiss,” Zephyr spoke up while Dante wiped his mouth with his hand.

“I kissed an alien, an alien bug horse,” he muttered, earning glares from both Swiss and Zephyr.

“I kissed an alien bug horse, now I’m sad and blue,” Nigel began to sing with a sorrowful wail.Swiss and Zephyr giggled, much to Dante’s annoyance. “I kissed an alien bug horse, I’d recommend it too.”

Dante sighed and leaned back, closing his eyes and praying for sleep. All three of his shipmates began to add their own lines, further adding to his torment. Thankfully, the warm sun aided him, and he was soon dozing off to the sound of the sea and the song created to mock him.

‘I swear, one more day on this raft...’

Nigel maintained a steady eye over the three sharing the raft with him.

They’d been drifting for three days now, and tensions were running high. With all the supplies of food used up in the desert, they had nothing left to eat. It wasn’t as bad for Swiss and Zephyr, the two apparently able to feed off the love energy that the changeling Queen had mentioned and they had some saved up. He still had his suit pumping in nutrients, but it just wasn’t the same as real food.

Dante was another matter, the marine currently wearing his kelvar vest like a hat in an effort to shield himself from the sun. Without an alternate supply of food, he had become cranky. Well, more cranky than usual. At least they had a full two canteens of water left, but it wasn’t Dante that was the main issue.

It was the two changelings with them.

Zephyr’s injuries were making her irritable, and the whole ‘I’m an Infiltrator and you’re a Soldier’ thing had started up again. In addition, Zephyr possessed the strong opinion that Swiss should stop pressuring Dante, something that the changeling soldier wasn’t keen to do.

Nigel and Dante had found themselves holding their respective lap-sitters back multiple times.

The issues had increased over the length of time, and he and Dante had started to fight as well. It was no longer the relative friendliness of their previous disagreements, and Dante had pulled his weapons out on more than one occasion. To be fair, he hadn’t really helped the problems, what with his time spent devising and singing an entire album worth of songs revolving around Dante and Swiss.

“Can you see anything yet?” Zephyr inquired, the changeling curled up on his armoured lap. Luckily for both her and him, his suit’s cooling systems also affected the external surface of the armour so the sun didn’t cook her to a crisp. Never before had Chalmers guessed that a system designed to help defeat thermal imaging optics would be used to keep an alien comfortable in a raft.

Swiss didn’t have the luxury of a cooled seat, however she didn’t seem to mind that much. It was probably due to the fact that Dante had been sheading clothing during the day, Nigel still finding her obsessive infatuation with the stuck-up human as hilarious as when he first found out.

Following Zephyr‘s question, he switched his helmet optics to full zoom and scanned the surrounds.

“No, no, no,” he repeated, looking to the North, the South and the East. He stopped when he looked to the west, a small sliver of brown out in the distance. With a hum, Nigel leaned forward, provoking Zephyr to sit up in excitement.

“Land?” she asked hopefully. “You can see land?”

“Land?” both Dante and Swiss added in at the same time.

“Hold on, I’m not certain,” Nigel clarified. “Still, it may be a long shot but it’s better than anything else we’ve got. Dante and I will paddle, while Swiss flies and pulls. That okay with everyone?”

“I can help as well,” Zephyr offered, prompting unsure looks from the other three.

“You’re still injured though,” Nigel pointed out with a gesture towards her bandaged wing.

“Plus how can you paddle?” Dante spoke up. “You know, with the holes in your legs?” Zephyr grumbled and lay back down, Nigel rolling his eyes and beginning to paddle. He was soon joined by Dante, and Swiss fought her own fatigue to take flight and tow them.

With the combination of teamwork, and a sweltering three hours of paddling and pulling, they had gotten close enough to make a confirmation.

“Oh, it’s just a piece of rock,” Nigel commented, earning looks of anguish from his companions.

“No land?” Zephyr groaned out, Nigel remaining silent for a few moments to let them huff and complain a little more.

“Nah, it’s land, fooled you,” he added, earning glares from all three.

“Fuck man,” Dante replied, a scowl on his burnt face. “That was low.”

“Relax,” Nigel dismissed. “It’s land, and we’re drifting towards it. All we have to do is sit back, relax, and we should be on dry land in a few hours.” He glanced u[pt the sun, almost halfway across the sky. “That’s only another afternoon of sailing to go.”

“Screw that,” Dante huffed while beginning to paddle again. “I’ve had enough of the sea to last me a lifetime. When I get back I might even join the regular mud-stompers in the army.”

“Oh, you have slurs for your different armed forces as well,” Nigel tried to lighten things up with conversation while he joined in the paddling. “We just call our regular troops ‘non-refundables’, because once they go down to a planet you often don’t want them back. You’d be surprised how many planets are covered in mud and filth, and probably less surprised at the amount of ships that then end up covered with that same stuff.”

“I bet they also have colourful names for whatever the Hell you work for,” Dante replied back, Nigel chuckling. In truth, there were a few for the ISA, but no-one was game enough to say them publicly.

“Not as much as you probably think,” Nigel answered.

‘Fifty-three.’

With his thoughts on the exact number unstated, Nigel shut up and continued to help propel the raft to the shore. In truth, he didn’t really care if they spent an extra few hours out on the sea, he found it relaxing. Besides, given their track record, more trouble would be awaiting them on the island anyway.

‘Can’t wait,’ he thought to himself with a grin under his helmet.

It was proving to be one of the most interesting, unplanned holidays that he had ever had.

“I hope your father doesn’t find out.”

“Relax Zarhara, all that talk about marrying a ‘noble mare’ is just hot wind. All the other tribes know that I’m far too wild for their daughters.”

Two young Zebras emerged from the tall grass and onto the beach, the young mare and stallion laughing with each other. They both rushed to the rushing sea, seeking relief from the blazing sun that always seemed to dominate their homeland.

“As long as you think he won’t find out, Zega,” Zarhara replied to her secret coltfriend before dunking her head in the sea and drawing it back out. “Getting on the bad side of a tribal Chief isn’t the wisest thing to do.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he reassured her, flicking some seawater towards her. “It’s my choice after all, and as Firstborn son I get some privileges.” Zarhara’s heart flittered when he drew closer, recognising the look in his eyes. “Choosing you is something I see as one of those privileges, and no concerns about ‘standings’ or ‘tribal reputation’ is going to stop me.”

“Oh Zega,” she murmured, the two moving their mouths closer and closer until-

“Land, finally!”

Both young lovers broke apart suddenly at the male shout from further down the beach. They glanced over, wondering who had interrupted their tender moment.

A bright orange raft was washed up on the shore, a black equine with insect features hovering in the air while a tall biped knelt on the sand and seemed to kiss the ground. Another biped, this one in some weird black substance, fell out of the raft with another of the insect-ponies in his arms.

“Nigel, watch it!” the insect-pony lectured, the biped regaining his footing and standing up.

“Oh, I’m so sorry Princess Zephyr, it’s not like I’ve just spent three days in a raft on the ocean. Did my fall disturb you? Did it hamper your enjoyment of the free transport service that I am providing-“

“Okay, okay, just stop talking!” the creature referred to as ‘Zephyr’ gave in. “You know how it is, my rump and wing are still sore so cut me some slack.”

“Fine,” the black biped answered, before walking over and nudging the other one with a leg. “Dante, that’s no way for a soldier to act. It was only three days.”

“Three days of Hell,” the other biped groaned out. “Stuck in a raft with you, a cranky changeling, and a changeling that’s still trying to get in my pants despite my firm and total rejection.”

“Aw, come on Dante,” the flying changeling cooed while she flew down to land on his back. “You know you love me, stop this pretending that you don’t.”

“Yeah Dante,” the black biped joined in maliciously. “Maybe it’d work out some of that frustration that you’ve got pent up and it’ll help you stop being so grumpy.”

“Nigel, I swear to God!”

Zarhara glanced at Zega while the smaller human waved a black stick-thing, threatening at the other. A light blush was on her face from overhearing the four newcomers discuss that topic so openly, and Zega seemed just as confused as to what was happening.

“Should we tell your father?”

“That would be a good idea,” he agreed. “I don’t think these creatures mean to trespass on our lands, and they did come on a raft. Do you think we should talk to them?”

“They’re strange,” Zarhara said with a shiver. “And the tall black one is scary, those eyes aren’t natural…”

“I’ll protect you,” with a nuzzle and his words, Zega eased some of her fear. “Besides, as the future wife of the future village Chief, you’re going to deal with stuff like this sometimes.” Zarhara smiled warmly, and nodded her head. Both began to walk out of the waves and onto the beach, approaching the arguing four.

“Nigel, you always pull shit like this!” the biped called Dante stated while staring off with his faceless opponent. “Why can’t you just let it go?”

“They argue a lot,” Zarhara whispered to Zega, getting a nod in return from the determined zebra stallion. The insect-pony that was flying in the air noticed them, a grin forming on her face and she waved a hoof in greeting.

“Hello!”

Swiss beamed down at the two zebras below, the other three turning to look at them as well. She found the stripy ponies incredibly funny, and this was the first time she had seen one in the flesh. They however, didn’t seem to share the same opinion about her or the two humans, the equines glancing at each other nervously.

“Go on Zega,” the female whispered to her companion, the male evidently named ‘Zega’ stepping forward.

“Hello… um, travellers,” he greeted, his yellow eyes glancing up at her before they scanned over the rest of the group. Swiss, guessing that they were nervous with her flying, landed and stood at the ready next to Dante. “Is there a reason why you’re on our tribal land?”

“Yes, we decided it was a nice spot for a picnic, so we crashed our airship, got in a raft, floated across the sea for three days and then landed here.” Swiss couldn’t help but grin at Nigel’s reply, even Dante cracked a smile.

“I meant no offence,” the zebra stallion continued, slightly more hesitant than before. “We don’t get many visitors, so I wasn’t sure if-“

“Relax,” Dante interrupted. “Nigel’s just joking around. If you don’t mind, could we possibly get some directions to the…” he trailed off and turned around, a puzzled look on his face. “Actually, where are we going?”

“Back to the Queen,” Swiss suggested, however Zephyr rolled her eyes and snorted.

“You do realise how much trouble we’ll be in, right Swiss? I’ve gone long past my mission time, and you weren’t supposed to follow at all. I don’t want to go back, not with how the Queen’s been acting lately.”

“We could always lie, and pretend that we never left in the first place,” Swiss suggested, Zephyr sighing in response.

“Do you honestly think the Queen would fall for a trick like that?” Wisely, Swiss decided to not voice her own opinion on just how bright the Queen was, and instead went for the next best plan in her head.

“We could just bring him back with us,” she tried, pointing a hoof towards Nigel. “You know, the Queen might have a thing for him. She’d be so happy that he was back that she’d forget all about us.” Swiss grinned at Chalmers, hoping to convince him to go along with it. It wasn’t that bad, surely.

“No way,” he grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’ve already been used once to pay for Dante’s water and food, I’m not sleeping with her again just to get you two out of trouble.”

“Um, excuse me…”

“Hey, don’t bring me into this,” Dante stepped in, everyone ignoring the young zebra who was trying to talk.

“Don’t worry Nigel,” Swiss tried to convince him again. “Of course Dante will be coming back with me, so you’ll have a human friend there as well.”

“That’s not better, you’re horrible at bargaining,” Nigel informed, Dante nodding with him.

“For once, we’re in agreement. No way is that happening, I’m happy to keep you alive and all that, but as soon as you get back that’s where my responsibility ends.”

Swiss lowered her head in thought. He was proving a tough nut to crack, but she was thinking that it was like a siege. Never give up, and wear down the defences until he gives in, brilliant.

“I can take you to see the village chief,” the zebra offered, causing all to stop arguing. “My father might be able to give you directions to a nearby port, he’d know about that stuff.”

“Better than nothing,” Dante said with a shrug. “Lead the way.”

The two zebras turned and began to walk up the beach, casting wary glances behind them. Dante followed them at a respectful distance, Swiss merrily moving to walk alongside him. He gave her a strange look but didn’t say anything.

‘He must be warming up to me,’ she thought with a grin, his lack of complaints an encouragement. Behind them, Zephyr and Chalmers brought up the rear, Zephyr limping with every step.

“So this is a Zebra village,” Dante muttered as they stared at the horde of stripy horses, getting stares back. Nigel couldn’t resist, a wicked grin forming under his helmet.

“What gave it away, the population of giraffes?”

“Fuck you,” Dante hissed in reply as a Zebra decorated with a number of gold necklaces and a feather headdress approached them with a wide grin. “Couldn’t get more stereotypical,” Dante muttered, Nigel smirking at the words. The Chief did indeed look like straight out of an old film about tribal humans, and the grass huts that made up the homes in the village only helped the image.

“Greetings!” the old zebra cried out with glee. “Welcome to my humble village! My son tells me that you’re seeking directions to the nearest port?”

“We are, sir,” Dante replied, keeping his voice respectable. Nigel decided to hold back the remarks and jokes he had been planning to make, considering the circumstances. The chief was escorted by four guards wielding wooden spears, and as primitive as they were, acting nice might for once get them somewhere.

At least, that was the plan.

“Indeed,” Nigel chimed in, much to the visual disappointment of Dante. With a flourishing sweep of his arm, Nigel gave the Chief a respectful bow of the head. “Due to unfortunate circumstances, we were forced to come ashore on your fine land. I apologise for all of my companions, and hope we haven’t caused too much of a disturbance.”

The Chief’s eyes lit up with glee, buying Nigel’s act without a second thought. Dante, and to a lesser extent the two changelings, stood where they were with their mouths open at the display of diplomatic expertise.

“Of course you are no burden,” the Chief reassured. “In fact, I would love for you to stay and talk over a grand feast! It is not often that we get visitors, and ones so respectful and polite at that!” Nigel turned around quickly, and flashed his companions a thumbs up. They were in. “Now,” the Chief continued, the rest of the zebras watching the meeting in the village centre with interest. “What exactly are you?”

“At the very basic,” Nigel began to reply. “Dante over there, and myself, are referred to as ‘humans’. The two ladies,” a nod in the direction of Swiss and Zephyr directed the Chief’s attention to the pair. “Are changelings, with Zephyr on the left and Swiss on the right.”

“And your name?”

“Nigel M Chalmers,” he replied to the Chief, standing up tall. “Commander, Nigel M Chalmers of the Internal Security Agency.”

“Show-off,” Dante muttered, the zebra Chief glancing towards the marine.

“Ignore Dante McGrumpypants, our raft journey took a toll on his normal relaxed personality.”

“Oh, that’s quite understandable,” the Chief brushed off. “I am Chief Zeitgeist, and leader of the Three-Stripes tribe.”

“Three-Stripes?” Swiss inquired, the Chief turning around so that his left flank was visible. His mark consisted of three, vertical, black stripes on his white coat, surrounded by a circle of black.

“This mark has been passed down for generations,” Chief Zeitgeist stated proudly. “The firstborn always possesses it, marking them as the next chief of the village.”

“Fascinating,” Nigel breathed out in forced awe. In truth, he couldn’t care less about a picture on the arse of a zebra, but he knew how some primitive people’s valued birthmarks as signs from their gods and so he held his scathing comment back.

“Thank you, I must say that you’re all interesting creatures as well. I’ve never heard of changelings or humans before, but now I can say with pride that I have. I’m looking forward to talking with you further, over a hearty meal of course.”

“Yay,” Nigel cheered through clenched teeth, Dante shooting him a warning glance at the tone. Nigel didn’t care, there was a reason that he was no longer allowed on diplomatic missions.

Something to do with windows…

“I have noticed that, Zephyr I believe her name is, is wounded. Allow me to fetch the village healer for your mate. Healer Zapha, we require you out here!” The Chief faced a large hut, this one decorated with numerous pots and painted symbols.

‘Mate?’ Nigel thought, racking his mind as to how the Chief reached that startling conclusion. Looking down, he was met with the blushing face of Zephyr, the green-tinged changeling frozen with shock while she leaned up against his leg to rest. He hadn’t even noticed that she was there. Quickly, he tried to get that idea out of their Host’s head before it became a thing.

“Oh no, Zephyr isn’t my mat-“

“Noble Chief, you have called. A young foal once again has falled?”

A zebra mare, middle-aged if Nigel had to guess, emerged from the hut while flicking her long, grey mane out of her silver eyes.

“Zapha, don’t try to rhyme, we’ve been over this.” The Chief shot them an apologetic smile, before turning back to the Healer. “There is a reason the tribal council doesn’t want you going to the shaman meetings after all,” he whispered.

“Pfft, they’re all stuck up anyway,” Zapha responded sourly, thankfully no longer in rhyme. If you could call it rhyme. “What do you need, information I need to… see-d?”

“One of the newcomers requires medical attention,” Chief Zeitgeist answered with a sigh and a shake of his head. The Healer approached Dante, looking him up and down. This caused everyone a great deal of confusion, except for Nigel.

He was loving this, and he could tell what would happen next.

“He does indeed appear in need of treatment, a medical professional I come in greetment.”

‘How has she not been killed yet?’ Nigel wondered at the atrocious rhyme. Dante however, seemed set to solve that issue while his fists clenched.

“It’s not me,” he growled, before pointing towards the bandaged Zephyr. “It’s the limping changeling in bandages.”

“I knew that,” Zapha tried to bluff. “You’re spiritual energy is out of whack, so I naturally headed to you first.”

“This is what I get for coming late to council meetings,” Chief Zeitgeist grumbled under his breath, Nigel able to hear thanks to his audio sensors. Meanwhile, Zephyr was wincing while the ‘healer’ prodded her cuts and wing.

“Whatever sealed these wounds used powerful magic,” the healer nodded to herself. “Although the wing is not wrapped properly.”

“I’d like you try and do a proper job on an unknown species while in a stolen airship with an army of griffons after you and a whiny Prince needing to be thrown out of the door.” Everyone stopped at Nigel’s defensive reply, the silence broken by a cough from Zephyr.

“Uh, well Nigel’s right. Just… un-bandage it and it should be fine.”

Healer Zapha stared at Zephyr, before following the request and removing the bandage. The wrapping came away, and there was a visible hole in the right wing.

“Does it hurt?” Dante inquired, Zephyr shaking her head.

“No, it actually feels okay,” she answered with some joy, testing her wing a few times. “I shouldn’t fly on it, but it doesn’t hurt at all.”

“Allow me to fetch a healing brew, so that I can give it to you.”

Zephyr grimaced at the offer, and the rhyme, before smiling at the Healer.

“No thanks I think I should be fine, I’d hate to take up more of your time.”

Zapha glared at her, before retreating into her hut with a huff. Zephyr looked up, and Nigel gave her a pleased nod. She grinned, and evidently the Chief was just as amused as they were.

“With rhyming like that, I might hire you as a new Healer,” he joked, sparking smiles from all. “Come now, sit and talk in my home while the feast is prepared. I have some good beer that awaits us, the grain harvest was a blessing this year.”

“Count me in,” Nigel agreed eagerly, earning a chuckle from the Chief.

As they began to walk back to the Chief’s house, Nigel missed the warning look that Dante shot him.

It was only a few drinks, what could possibly go wrong?

Author's Note

Well, another chapter of this trainwreck is finished.

Once again, any complants or errors...

Blame them on Kabar.