Crouching Griffin, Squatting Alicorn

by spigo

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Trixie, Comedy, Princess Celestia
Length: 5271

Under pressure, Trixie attempts to teach the Princesses the proper methods of martial arts.

In the wake of her first studio's destruction, Trixie has managed to reestablish her Canterlot dojo relatively undisturbed. She's even had it painted. But when a certain troublesome student returns with her sister in tow, she finds herself in for more than she bargained for.

Earthquakes, property destruction, and uniforms ensue.

Editing thanks to Unimpressive Vagaries and Craine.

Published 2014-04-06 00:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-06 00:40:03 UTC

Becoming the Roller

Trixie ripped open the studio's back door and scowled out at the alley. She glanced around several times, but couldn't see whoever it was that had been knocking. Nightmare Night had come and gone weeks ago, and the stupid fillies were still knocking on her door. It didn't even seem to matter to them and their harassments that it was a dojo rather than a house.

She grumbled under her breath, and was about to duck back inside when she noticed the crate, and the young colt underneath it, his legs buckling under its weight like toothpicks valiantly fighting to support a castle tower.

"Package for you… miss."

Trixie huffed. "Well, it's about time. Do you know how long Trixie has been waiting? Trixie placed her order two weeks ago, and your ad specifically states that your shipping period is no more than ten days. Trixie demands a discount."

He made a sound halfway between a groan and a whine, but Trixie paid him no mind.

"And, the salesmare told Trixie you would have the package here by four-fifteen. It's four-twenty. Trixie has a class in ten minutes. Do you know how inconvenient this is for Trixie?"

He opened his mouth to answer, but she cut him off. "It's rude and inconsiderate. Trixie also demands to know the name of your supervisor." She paused. "And, you shall address me as 'The Great and Powerful Trixie.' Do you understand?"

His legs wobbled, and he grunted something that sounded like a plea for death. "Yes, miss, um, Great and Powerful."

Trixie rolled her eyes. "Close enough." She withdrew into the building and gestured for him to follow. He sighed, and inched into the room as quickly as possible. She didn't pay much attention to him while he moved toward a space by the door.

Just as he was about to set the package down, she glanced over at him, scowled and shook her head. "Oh, it can't go over there. Did Trixie not specifically state that she wanted it in the corner?"

He whimpered something that sounded suspiciously like a 'no,' and started toward the corner.

About halfway there, she looked up at him again and scratched her chin. "Hm. No, on second thought, Trixie likes it better there. Put it back."

He stumbled backward, only making it about halfway there before collapsing to the ground. Trixie ambled over and circled the crate a few times, squinting as she inspected its position.

After a moment, she returned to the colt and looked down at his head sticking out from under the box, rolling her eyes. "Well, Trixie supposes it's doable for now. But Trixie wants you to know that she will be telling your supervisor about this. The standard of service you're setting is disgusting. You should be ashamed."

He made a pitiful sound. "Yes, miss Trixie the, uh, Great and Powerful."

She scowled. "It's 'The Great and Powerful Trixie.' Are you ever going to get it right?"

She was about to step into the studio proper when she realized she had one more problem to resolve. She stamped back over to the box and lifted it a few feet in the air, just long enough for the colt to crawl out from under it.

"T-T-Thank you, miss Great and Powerful Trixie."

"What?" She pursed her lips. "Trixie does not do freebies. She is putting that on the bill."

She stepped closer to the box, ripped it open and scanned the contents. Nothing seemed out of place, but she had to be sure. She lifted up one of the bags and peered inside. It just one moment to find the exact problem, but there it was, just as she knew it would be.

Her face contorted in rage, and she lifted one of the offending devices from the bag. "And what exactly is Trixie supposed to do with these?!"

The colt ducked as she threw them, and the shower of small wooden sporks went flying just over his head. He began to scramble toward the door, but Trixie held him in place by magic, still squirming. "Where do you think you're going?! Trixie ordered chopsticks, not… not these… !"

"Sporks?"

"Yes, not these sporks!" She lunged toward him, her teeth bared. "What do you think Trixie is going to do with sporks?!"

The colt's mouth flapped a few times, but he could come up with nothing.

She huffed through her bared teeth for several long minutes. "Well, Trixie has a solution! You are going to go straight back to your shop, and you're going to come back, and this time you're going to bring Trixie chopsticks! Are we clear?"

The colt winced, and nodded as vigorously as he could. Trixie released her hold on him, and he skittered out the door without another word. She stuck her head out into the alley behind him. "Chop, chop! Trixie's time is very valuable."

He vanished around the corner onto the Canterlot streets. Trixie slammed the door shut behind her. She stalked toward the studio door, making sure to cast filthy looks at the discarded dinner implements as she went. She stopped at the door and adjusted her uniform's sash.

It would be harder to sell, but she could still salvage the situation. She was, after all, the Great and Powerful Trixie. She'd just have to improvise. It wasn't as if she'd never done that before.

She made to open the door, but a racket from the other side caught her attention. She pressed her ear against the door, and the noise resolved into voices, one deeper voice belonging to Luna, and a higher one she didn't recognize.

Luna said, "It is a most wondrous and enlightening experience, sister. You shall not regret it."

"I'm sure I won't, Luna."

Trixie threw the door open and stepped out onto the stage, once again scowling. "You're early. The Great and Powerful Trixie's class does not start until — "

Halfway into her speech, her mind blanked, having caught up with her sight. Two alicorn mares stood side by side at the doors, their incorporeal manes streaming behind them. Luna stood nearly a foot shorter than her sister, indigo coat and starry mane contrasting with Celestia's white and tri-color.

A second after that, her train of thought caught up with her mind, and proceeded to have a trainwreck.

Before she could launch a rescue team, however, Luna lunged across the room at her, a mad grin painted on her muzzle. She wrapped her forelegs around Trixie and pulled her into what she must have thought was a hug. Personally, Trixie thought it felt more like being crushed inside a trash compactor.

"Miss Lulamoon! It has been far too long. We have long been spreading the word of your classes, but no news of your reopening had reached Our ears until last morn!"

There had been very good reasons for that. Namely, the last time Luna had attended, she'd lost the entire building.

"We are delighted to see you have returned to instructing in the ways of the spiritual martial arts! Your skill is renowned, and We have long spread the word since that day." Luna smiled for a moment, apparently fondly reminiscing.

Celestia grinned wickedly, and approached the two of them from the side. She laid a hoof on her sister's shoulder. "Luna, perhaps now would be a good time to let go?"

Luna glanced at her, a confused look on her face.

"Before she starts suffocating?"

Luna stirred. "Oh, oh! Of course." She dropped Trixie back on the stage, blushing slightly. She nodded from her sister to her instructor. "Trixie, We would like you to meet Our sister, Celestia. We have brought her in order for her to be instructed in your arcane ways as you did for Us."

Princess Celestia. In her studio. Here for the class.

Trixie's mouth flapped open and shut for several moments. There had to be a way she could get out of this. She always found a way.

After a moment of silence, she glanced over at the sign-up sheet on the wall, then back to Celestia, a tiny spring of hope bubbling in her mind. "Trixie does not accept — "

Luna smiled and tore the sheet from the wall, one scrap still clinging to the nail. "We knew your policy about such things, so when We visited yesterday, We were certain to sign Celestia up as well."

She shoved the sheet in Trixie's face, and she scanned over it, still hoping. She glanced over the list, and her heart sank. There, just below Luna's own initials, were the letters 'P.C.' in ornate cursive.

She blinked at the thing a few more times, hoping that the bothersome letters would vanish. It took several minutes of this to convince her that they wouldn't.

She winced and took a step away. "Ah… of course. This is…" Trixie said, and swallowed, "wonderful. However, Trixie needs to… ."

"To reattune herself with spiritual spirit?"

Trixie nodded, and half-smiled as she sidestepped toward the door. "Exactly."

She turned the handle and threw herself back into the storage room, slamming the door behind her. She lay on the floor for a moment before standing up, then ran a hoof through her mane.

Surely she could still salvage the situation. She had a plan to deal with Luna this time — namely, not tasking her unsupervised with anything more violent than feather-dusting — which meant she could focus on subverting Celestia if she found the need. Surely, having dealt with one Princess already, it wouldn't be so hard to stop another from ruining her day.

Surely these thoughts might have helped Trixie on any other day. Today, though, just wasn't her day.

Before she could plot what to do about her newest student, though, she heard the front doors swing open and hoofbeats on the floor. She coughed into her hoof, and stepped back into the dojo.

A few of them had attempted to bow for the Princess, and some nodded, but most simply stepped into place around them, smiling nervously. Luna smiled back, and greeted each in her usual manner, even stooping to shake hooves with one small filly.

She glanced up at the clock on the wall, cursing her students for being on time for once, then stepped out to the edge of the stage and drew herself up to her full height. "Welcome, fillies and gentlecolts, to the most magnificent dojo in all of Equestria!"

Trixie put on her widest smile and reared up, her belt swinging around her waist. After a moment, she dropped back to the stage and surveyed the class. "Given your exceedingly adequate performance last session, Trixie thinks you are ready for the next level of training this time."

"Now, as we began last time, we shall meditate." She pressed her hoof to her forehead, shut her eyes, and began to hum loudly.

Before long, however, she was interrupted. Celestia coughed, and raised a hoof.

Trixie scowled. "What is it?"

"I was simply wondering if we were using the Barhoofean, the Romane, or the Eastern Marendarin method of meditation."

Several of the other students glanced at Celestia, then looked up at Trixie expectantly. Her muzzle twitched, and a bead of sweat rolled down her forehead. She winced. After a moment, she straightened up and did her best to look authoritative. "The Great and Powerful Trixie would not bother wasting all our time with less functional ideas. Trixie and her students use only the Lulamoonean method."

Celestia's hoof shot up again, a tiny grin tugging at her muzzle. "I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one, Miss Lulamoon. Would you be so kind as to explain it?"

Trixie rolled her eyes, and sighed. "Simply do as I do."

She resumed her meditation, and after a moment's hesitation, the rest of the class followed her lead. She cracked an eyelid, and grinned when she noted Celestia following her routine exactly as she'd demonstrated it. She had expected the Princess to give her more trouble than that. That was hardly a bump in the road. She really could handle this after all.

After several minutes of meditation, she grunted and raised a hoof for them to stop. They dropped their hooves and looked up at her again.

She cleared her throat, and looked to the crowd. "Now, Trixie thinks you are ready to receive your uniforms." She withdrew a pile of 'white' fabric, rolls of thread, and sewing needles from a box in the corner of the room.

To call it exactly white would be generous, given its abundant blotchy brownish stains, but it should be good enough for them. "You're going to make them."

A small filly near the front of the crowd raised her hoof. "How come we have to make our uniforms?"

Trixie opened her mouth to respond, but the filly continued. "My friend goes to Iron Will's school down the street, and she says he gave them their uniforms."

Trixie scowled. "First of all, don't speak when Trixie is speaking. The second part is obvious to everypony, is it not?"

The students stared up at her, none saying a word. Trixie huffed. "Very well. If Trixie must explain… it's very simple. The process of crafting your uniform attunes the material to the contours of your spiritual energies, thus binding it to your spiritual spirit and making it properly usable for you and you alone."

A few tense seconds followed, and the ponies below nodded, some even murmuring in agreement.

The filly raised her hoof a second time, still looking confused. "But how come we're making them out of these old rags?"

Trixie rolled her eyes, and lifted up one of the scraps. "These are not 'old rags.' They are authentic ancient fabrics handed down from the first class of Hurricane Hooves himself."

The filly poked at one of the scraps and wrinkled her nose. "They smell like it."

Celestia smiled at that.

"That is the smell of an authentic and powerful uniform waiting to be born. Now, Trixie suggests you get started. She doesn't have all day, and we still have many important techniques to cover."

Luna's mad grin returned. "Yes, let us commence with our task already! We yearn for the fabric to yield to our devices, and to begin Our journey deeper into the spiritual martial arts!"

The filly eyed her pile of 'fabrics' warily, but after a whisper from her mother, finally started to work on her uniform. The rest of the class followed suit soon after, some more vigorously than others — Luna in particular had to be restrained by her sister more than once as she threw herself into the task at hoof, twice nearly stabbing the stallion next to her in the eye as her sewing needle whistled through the air with supreme disregard for equine life. Trixie took a few opportunities to offer vague but sage advice to the students, though for Luna, it was always from a safe distance and from behind a shield spell.

Roughly two dozen garments and several near-fatalities later, the class had, more or less, a full set of uniforms, some more complete or accurate than others. Luna's scraps had been assembled into a bizarre sort of cowl and a rough, mismatched tunic which she'd had to filch several rags from her sister's pile to construct and which most closely resembled a quilt.

She shook her head in an attempt to get the unintentional visor out of her face and looked up at Trixie expectantly, smiling.

Trixie cleared her throat and surveyed the class, pausing for just a moment to gape at Luna's uniform. "Well, now that you have learned to gather your spiritual energies, Trixie thinks it is time for you to learn to focus them."

Luna raised her hoof. "We shall be learning techniques, then?"

An image of the dojo collapsing flashed to Trixie's mind. She shuddered. "No!"

Luna deflated just slightly.

"That is, Trixie thinks it best if you learned to…" she paused, "control your energies first. You shall wait here for Trixie's return."

She turned and pushed open the door, scattering several sporks as she did so. The door slammed behind her. It only took a few seconds to get what she needed, and when she was done, she stepped back out on stage, smiling.

She passed them out as she spoke. "Now, Trixie does not expect you to achieve her level of expertise. However, as you learned to become the paint, Trixie believes some of you may be able to begin the path to becoming the roller."

Celestia shot a bemused glance at her sister. "Become the paint?"

"It is but one of her sage sayings."

"Ah."

Trixie cleared her throat. "Before you may draw on your spiritual spirit, however, you must learn a way to attune yourselves with it. Trixie asks you to draw in your energies, release your thoughts, and do as Trixie does."

She took a deep breath, let it go, and began rotating her own spork a few inches from her face.

Celestia raised a hoof. "Excuse me, Miss Lulamoon?"

She dropped the spork and scowled. "Yes? What is it?"

"I was simply wondering… why sporks?"

Trixie flinched. "What? It's obvious to everypony here, isn't it?"

A bead of sweat ran down her forehead. A minute came and went in silence, the class staring at her.

She scowled. "Well, well… it's very simple. The prongs at the end catch stray ley lines of your spiritual… spirit, and the spoon prevents it from leaving your focus."

Celestia pursed her lips and nodded. "That does make sense." She smiled. "Thank you for elaborating."

Trixie took a breath. "So, as Trixie was — "

The filly's hoof went up. "Miss Trixie?"

"What?" She blinked, then scowled. "Oh, fine. Speak."

"What if we don't have horns?"

Trixie tapped her chin. "How do you normally hold things?"

"In my teeth."

Trixie put on a smile. "Well, Trixie suggests you do that."

She turned back to the class and cleared her throat. "Anyone else?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Good. Now, you shall begin meditating, and Trixie will signal you to stop when she decides you are sufficiently attuned with the spiritual spirit."

For a moment, she wondered if another question would come, but it didn't. She sighed. As long as things continued to go smoothly, she should be fine.

There was still the matter of what she was going to have them do next, of course. That was going to be a problem. She had planned to teach them a 'technique' today. With the unexpected guest students… she thought about it for a moment. Perhaps she could still save that plan, though. She could take some precautions.

After several long minutes, she snapped out of her reverie and glanced up at the clock, then turned back to the class. She clapped a hoof against the stage and smiled. "Now that you are adequately and properly attuned, Trixie thinks you are finally ready to learn your first technique."

Luna's face split into another mad grin. "Oooh, oooh! Shall we learn the Crouching Griffin?"

Trixie blinked. "What — "

"The Diamond Hoof?"

"Trixie — "

Luna narrowed her eyes and hushed her tone. "The Cackling Cockatrice?"

It took a few moments to recover from that. Trixie shook herself and reapplied her smile. "The Great and Powerful Trixie knows all of those, but she would not waste time with lesser techniques. Trixie shall teach you a technique far more powerful: the Squatting Alicorn."

The room was silent for a moment.

Celestia's lips twitched into a tiny smile. "I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one. Could you elaborate for me?"

"Trixie would not expect you to know it. It is a powerful and ancient technique passed down from mother to daughter, father to son. Trixie was only able to learn it after besting one of the old masters in combat, but now, Trixie shall teach it to you."

Her smile grew. "I see." She nodded. "Go on."

Trixie raised her eyebrow at Celestia, but turned back to the class. "Before we begin, Trixie shall demonstrate the proper stance."

She dropped to the stage and leaned out slightly, her face screwed up just a bit to give the impression of effort. "First, drop to a squat, and focus your spiritual energy."

Luna imitated her stance.

Trixie arched her back. "Now, spread your spiritual wings."

Luna said, "And what of Our physical wings?"

Trixie hesitated. "Spread those, too."

She smiled and nodded, nearly knocking over several students as she spread her wings.

"And turn… and kick!"

As she spoke, Trixie whirled around and struck out at the air. The move put her off-balance, and she half-fell, half-rolled off the stage and into the front row of students.

Celestia smiled down at her. "Oh, dear. Are you alright, Miss Lulamoon?"

Trixie scowled, picked herself up, and brushed herself off, flourishing her mane. "Trixie is fine. She meant to do that." She put her front hooves up on the stage, hopped up and turned back to the class. "Trixie was demonstrating a false attack. It is what one calls a 'feint.'"

"Ah. Quite clever, indeed."

Trixie glared for a moment, then cleared her throat. "Now, Trixie wants you to divide into pairs for sparring practice."

Luna beamed.

She directed the students into groups along the sides of the room, with Celestia and Luna taking up the entire right side — as much for the other students' safety as for her peace of mind. When they were done moving, she walked down the rows to the front doors, offering vague advice and making sure that each pair was spaced out enough that they wouldn't accidentally hit the others — or, more importantly, herself as she returned to the stage.

Finally, she reached the last row and turned back to the stage. "On the count of three, you shall begin sparring until Trixie signals you to stop. Ready?"

"Verily!"

Trixie took a breath. "One… ."

All around the room, the students shifted into their stance.

A simple forcefield spell should contain the damage. Trixie channeled a flux of magic into her horn. "Two… ."

Luna fidgeted, her lips twitching.

"Three!"

Each pair shifted and turned, with some of the faster ponies getting off an early kick within seconds. Even Luna's energetic whirl didn't cause any major damage, thanks to the barrier. For the first ten seconds, it seemed as if things might go fine.

It was always the first ten seconds, Trixie later reflected.

Celestia twitched, and leapt back as Luna's legs struck out toward her, but the forcefield held her inside. Her eyes widened as it brushed up against her back, and her sister's hooves hurtled toward her.

A second later, the forcefield was no more.

A piercing pain shot up her horn, and for a second, the room vanished into unimportance. She dropped to her knees and pressed a hoof against the keratin, though it hardly helped. After several long seconds that felt more like a minute, her vision cleared, and she looked up at the place where Celestia had been.

Luna stood at her full height, once again wearing her madhouse grin. "Huzzah! Once again, Our wrath has crashed down upon Our enemies, and We alone stand victorious!"

Trixie gaped at the massive hole in the wall, still rubbing her horn.

Minutes passed. Eventually, Celestia crept back through the ruined plaster, a hoof on her chest.

Luna's face turned concerned. "Are you alright, sister?"

Celestia half-smiled, half-grimaced. "I'm fine, Luna."

"No! Trixie is renting! Renting!"

Luna turned and blinked at her over her shoulder. "Have We offended, Miss Lulamoon?"

Trixie took a few steps toward the hole in the wall, her mind blanking for a few seconds as she stared at the chunks of wood and plaster. She snapped back into reality as a passing pony waved at her. "How in Equestria is Trixie supposed to pay for this?!"

Luna winced, and glanced over at the hole. "Perhaps We did get slightly… overexuberant." She nodded. "It is our burden, then. We shall pay for Our mistake."

A moment passed.

"It does offer quite a cool breeze in here, though, does it not?"

Celestia grinned. "That, it does."

By now, the entire class had turned to watch. It took another minute for Trixie to find her voice. "Well… well… fine, then." Trixie scowled, and started back toward the stage. "But Trixie is putting it on the bill."

She popped up on the stage and turned to the room — or what was left of it — and waited for the students to gather around again. She coughed into her hoof. "Well, Trixie thinks this has been more than enough practice for today." She glanced up at the clock. "It seems we still have time for one more exercise. Wait here."

She tugged the door open and pulled several objects from the back room, among them several dozen large bricks and half a dozen planks, the wood thoroughly rotten. She set up two stacks of bricks two high and laid a plank over the gap, and did the same with the rest.

For a long moment, there was silence. Trixie intended to let it stay that way, in the hopes that perhaps no one would ask about the exercise, and the lesson would run out on its own.

It was not to be, however. Celestia glanced over one of the structures, and raised an eyebrow. "May I ask what is it we're going to be doing with these?"

Trixie twitched. "Well, it's a very simple idea. First, you stand on the long side."

A moment passed. "And?"

"And…" Trixie scowled. "And, you smash it."

"With?"

"With your head."

"Ah."

A minute passed.

"And what exactly is the purpose of that?"

Trixie shook herself, and tried to stand tall and look authoritative. "As Trixie taught you to meditate and gather your energies, so must you learn to discharge them when you are not using them." She paused. "Uncontrolled spiritual energies are very dangerous, you understand."

Celestia raised her other eyebrow. "Oh? And how does it work?"

"It is, again, very simple. You focus your spirit, as before, and when you smash the plank, it… triggers an instant release of spiritual energies."

"Ah, I see." Celestia smiled. "A rather interesting technique, to say the least."

Trixie sighed. "Now, line up with the planks, gather your spiritual energies, and wait."

The students shuffled off and took up their positions around the room, each taking their own board. Celestia and Luna stood at planks just off the left side of the stage.

"And go."

Immediately, the splintering of boards and thud of skulls filled the room, each impact sending a shower of mouldering wood particles through the air. When the splinters had finally settled, Trixie took a breath and glanced over the room. Her gaze stopped on Celestia.

Celestia stared down at her solid and uncracked plank, a bemused expression on her face.

Trixie scowled. "Did Trixie not say 'go?'"

"I seem to have run into a problem." She pointed. "I'm afraid my board is still whole."

Trixie blinked.

Luna ambled over to stand next to her sister. She inspected it for several seconds, scratching her chin. "The technique proved fine for Us. Perhaps you simply did not focus your spiritual spirit enough?"

Celestia half-smiled and shook her head. "Perhaps not." She paused. "I suppose I should try again?"

Trixie stared for a moment before realizing she'd said something. "Oh, yes. I mean, of course."

While Celestia gathered her energies, Trixie took a breath and gathered her magic. A simple softening spell should do nicely, and then if she held the board against the bricks, it should shatter just as well as anypony else's.

A few seconds later, a crack split the silence.

Luna walloped her sister on the back, beaming. "See, Celestia? It is as we said."

She smiled back, and nodded. "So it seems."

Trixie glanced up at the clock for a moment. "Well, that's all the time we have for today. Trixie assures you that you have all performed exceedingly adequately, and invites you to join her once again this time next week."

They filed out the doors two by two until at last the studio was empty once again. Trixie sighed, and wiped her forehead with her uniform. Considering the visions of terror she'd had when she first saw them enter, that had gone exceedingly well. For a moment, she relaxed.

A second later, a thunderous knock at the back door interrupted the quiet.

She threw open the door. "What is it now?"

A crate confronted her from the alleyway, a familiar groan coming from underneath it. "Package for Miss Lulamoon." He paused. "Er… for Miss Great and Powerful Trixie."

Trixie squinted at the package for a moment, then shook her head. "On second thought, Trixie does not need chopsticks anymore. You may return them."

Another moan emanated from underneath the package as it thudded to the stone pavement.

"Trixie does still want to know your supervisor's name, though."

For the fifteenth time in twenty minutes, Rainbow Dash said, "What's wrong, Pinkie?"

Sugarcube Corner was unusually empty — most likely due to the sobbing, which, in her hurry to get inside, Rainbow had missed. She'd already spent the better part of a third-hour sitting by the table and trying to comfort her friend, and had somehow managed to soak up more water sitting here than out in the rain.

By some miracle — an act of Celestia at the least, Rainbow thought — she pulled herself up in her chair and finally began to choke back the sobs. "It's terrible!"

She forced herself not to roll her eyes. "What's terrible?"

Pinkie gestured to the newspaper spread out on the table, and, as soon as she'd looked at it again, burst back into tears. "That!"

Rainbow sighed, stepped up to the table and began to read.

San Franciscolt, Equestria — Seismologists are still struggling to explain the cause of a sudden earthquake which hit the south side of town earlier this week, causing massive property damage.

The mayoral office has offered no information, and emergency services continue to assess the situation. As of yet, no equine casualties have been reported, though damage to private property and industry has been severe. Among the losses is the Cumulicious Cloud Cake factory, which employees have stated 'suffered major structural damage.'

"There is no way this could have happened naturally," said Muscovite, a researcher at University of San Franciscolt's Geology & Geophysics Department. "This can be nothing short of an act of Celestia."

Little has been discovered about the seismic event's cause since its occurrence. However, a source within USF's Geology & Geophysics Department (who asked to remain anonymous) revealed to Equestria Weekly that a new fault line has been found between Canterlot and San Franciscolt.

In the wake of the confusion, many theories have sprung up despite the lack of evidence, ranging from a baker's conspiracy in Canterlot to an act of dietary dictatorship on the part of Princess Luna, attempting to rein in her sister's notorious appetite.

"I think it's that Con Mane what done it," said one pony watching the devastation from the sidelines.

The Crown has yet to make an official statement on the matter, but when informed of the situation by a messenger from San Franciscolt, Princess Celestia reportedly had this to say:

"Oops."