Facebook Buys Ponyville

by Eakin

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4197

Twilight Sparkle vs. social media

Can Twilight Sparkle stop the new menace that's suddenly taking control of her beloved home?

Spoilers: No

Published 2014-04-02 02:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-02 02:20:04 UTC

Facebook Buys Ponyville

FACEBOOK BUYS PONYVILLE

Something, in Twilight Sparkle’s professional estimation, was wrong.

In fact, a great many things were rather worryingly wrong about the scene before her. Strange glyphs and symbols everywhere faded in and out of existence whenever she focused her attention on a particular spot or object, and others floated around the ponies wandering the streets. At some point she'd picked up a few herself. She squinted over her shoulder trying to divine their purpose, with little success. One of them seemed to be the outline of a bluebird, while another looked almost like the abstract silhouette of a camera. All were completely unrecognizable from any tome she'd ever read, and she'd read most of them.

It had all started when she'd woken up this morning at the usual time to her usual alarm. Rather than the poster displaying the periodic table of harmony on her wall, she found her muzzle just inches from a grey rectangle printed with a few words.

Twilight Sparkle just woke up.

Though something of a surprise, the announcement didn't seem all that alarming... at first. Until a second, smaller box appeared right below it with a picture of her mother's smiling face in one corner.

Twilight Velvet: Dear, didn't you say you were going to start getting up earlier? It seems like you sleep half your mornings away. Call me.

Twilight blinked a few times before the appropriate reaction, namely panic, welled up in her mind. Her ire found a convenient outlet when more words popped up under her mother's admonishment, next to an odd symbol that looked like a hoof, but with an odd protrusion sticking up from the top.

Spike liked this.

"Spiiiiiiiiiiiike!" she called out as she threw off her blankets and trotted to the top of the stairs.

"You do sleep in pretty late most days, Twi," said his voice from the kitchen. As Twilight started trotting downstairs, she reared back when another box appeared in the corner of her vision with a distracting little chime. The surprise nearly sent her tumbling before she caught herself.

Spike is making pancakes

Fluttershy likes 'Bunny Rabbits'

And there was the box about her waking up once again:

Applejack: You have no idea, Ms. Velvet. Love you to death, Twi, but you wouldn't last three days on a farm schedule.

"Will somepony please-"

Fluttershy likes 'Puppies'

Rainbow Dash is now 'In a Relationship' with Applejack!

Applejack and Twilight Velvet are now friends

Rainbow Dash is now 'In a Relationship' with Pinkie Pie!

Twilight shut her eyes, but the chiming noises went on. "Spike, what's going on?" she asked as she stumbled blindly towards the kitchen.

"Don't know, it was like this when I woke up." Twilight detected a distinct lack of concern in his voice and wondered, not for the first time in her life, whether she had simply gone insane. Luckily, the smell of breakfast was an oasis of sanity in a world gone mad. Reality may be unravelling all around her, but pancakes were simple. Safe. Reliable. Taking a deep breath to steel herself, Twilight opened her eyes.

Twilight Sparkle likes 'Pancakes'

And Twilight wept.

Oh yes, something was wrong. And Twilight was going to get to the bottom of it.

"See, Twilight? Nopony else is freaking out about this. Maybe you're just overreacting a little bit?" suggested Spike.

Twilight let out a noncommittal huff. It was true that every pony she'd passed on the way here had been okay with the messages. She'd even run into a stallion who stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk to reply to one, which in her mind only reinforced the idea that the phenomenon was a threat to public health. And, more urgently, extremely irritating.

Rainbow Dash is now 'In a Relationship' with Twilight Sparkle!

"What? No we-"

Twilight Velvet: Congratulations, sweetie! I have to admit I was starting to give up hope you'd ever find somepony. Wedding bells soon?

Rainbow Dash and Twilight Velvet are now friends

Twilight groaned. Things were deteriorating more quickly than she feared. "Do you see this? If anything I'm not overreacting enough!"

"Come on, it's just a way for friends to talk to one another. What's wrong with that?" asked Spike.

Twilight wrinkled up her nose, casting about for a counterargument. "...I guess nothing, in theory. But I was perfectly fine with the old way of talking to my friends.” Spotting Applejack at her cart, a fresh wave of determination washed over her and she held her head high as she strode towards it with Spike in her wake. “How are you today, Applejack?”

“One sec, Twi,” said Applejack as a message popped up beside her. She studied it for a second, then chuckled and turned back to Twilight as it disappeared. “Sorry ‘bout that.”

Twilight frowned. “What was so funny?”

“Oh, just a picture of Opalescence that Rarity sent me. Here, I’ll share it with you.”

“You really don’t have to-” Before Twilight could finish her sentence a message popped up in front of her, cutting off her view of Applejack. The picture that appeared there did manage to bring a smile to her face despite the irritation; It looked like Opal had managed to burrow her way into a basketful of cloth scraps next to her sewing machine, and only her little kitty nose and ears poked out. It was hard to deny that it was pretty cute. Below the picture was another box:

Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, and 8 others liked this.

“Well, that is a pretty adorable picture,” said Twilight more to herself than anypony around her. With a spark of her horn and a tiny exertion of will, she focused on the odd little symbol until another box popped up.

Twilight Sparkle likes this

Twilight smiled. Maybe this wasn’t so terrible after all, and she was just being silly. “Anyway, Applejack, I just thought I’d come over and see how-”

Message from Rarity:
So glad you liked the picture! Isn’t Opal just darling? Let me send you a few more pictures, she just gets into the craziest situations!

With a sigh, Twilight resigned herself to looking at a few more of Rarity’s pictures and stepped aside to let the next pony in line behind her approach Applejack’s cart. Still, this would surely only take another minute. How many pictures of one cat could a pony possibly take?

Three hours later, Twilight finally managed to close the last picture. Her bloodshot eyes were wide as she trembled on her hooves, staring out at nothing. “So... many... costumes...”

“You alright there, Twi?” asked Applejack. “Tell you what, if you’ll go ahead and ‘Like’ my apples, I’ll give ya one of ‘em on me.”

“But...” stammered Twilight, “...but you already know I like your apples. What information could you possibly glean from whether I’ve formally announced it to everypony?”

“Well,” said Applejack, “ah reckon that even though my apples are popular with folks here in Ponyville, ponies might not know for sure that they’re popular if they pull up ‘Apples’ on Facebook and don’t see that ponies admit to likin’ ‘em.”

Twilight’s focus zeroed in on that one word; ‘Facebook.’ Her new tormentor had a name. Concentrating on the ambient magic around her, she searched out the entry for ‘Sweet Apple Acres’ and pulled it up in a new box in front of her, one with an old-timey sepia tinted photo of the orchards around Ponyville. “Wow, it says that 237 ponies here in Ponyville like it. That’s amazing, Applejack! And even better, not a single pony’s said that they dislike it.”

Applejack just looked at her, befuddled. “Not a single pony’s done what now?”

“Oh,” said Twilight, realizing how Applejack must have taken her comment, “I know I don’t dislike your apples, they’re great! But you think there’d be at least one pony out there who actively disliked them, for whatever reason. Can’t please all of the ponies all of the time, y’know?” Her chuckle died away as it went unreciprocated, and Applejack just continued to study her.

“I see what you’re sayin’ ah suppose, but why would ah want ponies to see how many folks hate apples? Ah mean, puttin’ aside the fact that they’d have to be out of their heads to say so in the first place.”

“Because without that information, the number of ‘likes’ is completely arbitrary and worthless as a source of information. There’s a big difference between a service or product that 100 ponies like and 10,000 ponies really, really hate, and a different one that 100 ponies like but the rest haven’t really thought much about. But if you can’t dislike something they’d both look the same!” She frowned when Applejack still didn’t seem to be grasping her point, looking around until she spotted the perfect impromptu prop. “Take this stick for example.” She hovered the discarded piece of wood up between them. “ Imagine that there was a Facebook profile for this stick.”

To her surprise, a new box popped up. Apparently, the stick did have a Facebook profile, and... and...

“Something wrong?”

“...This stick has more friends than I do.” Twilight shook off the threat of approaching melancholy, though she did resolve to maybe get out of her library a little more often. “That’s not the point, anyway. Suppose that most ponies were just neutral about this particular stick. Then say there was a profile for something everypony hated with a passion.”

“Like what?” asked Applejack.

“Like war, or pestilence, or grease stains on the pages of returned library books. Something really awful. All you’d see is that neither of them had any ‘Likes,’ but you’d be missing all the context! It would be, at best, a misleading appearance of consensus.”

Applejack regarded her blankly for a moment longer. “Look, do you want the apple or not?”

Defeated, Twilight hung her head. The box for Sweet Apple Acres reappeared, and the counter of ponies endorsing it ticked up to 238. “Yeah, I want the apple.”

“Thank ya kindly, Twi! Keep an eye on our profile, you never know what great new surprises or deals might crop up! Ah’ll be sure to message you when they do.”

More chimes. More boxes.

Rainbow Dash is now ‘In a Relationship’ with Fluttershy!

Pinkie Pie is now friends with Twilight Velvet, Ebony Glimmer, and 395,012 others

Twilight just looked on as the messages scrolled by, her ears flat against her head. Maybe this was just how ponies liked to communicate now, and who was she to tell them they were wrong if they weren’t hurting anypony? Her earlier enthusiasm sapped away, she turned to go back to her library with Spike in tow. At least she could ‘Like’ all the books.

“Twilight Sparkle!”

She turned towards the new voice, a creamy white pegasus stallion who went by Sunny Days. Twilight struggled to remember where she knew him from until catching sight of his cutie mark, a wave-lapped beach with a palm tree, jogged her memory. He ran that little travel agency in town, but she couldn’t remember the last time the two of them had spoken, if they ever had. “Hi Sunny, how’s business?”

“Better than ever! In fact, that’s sort of why I’m here,” he explained. He reached into his saddlebags and pulled out a little pamphlet. “I have a package here that I think you’d really be interested in.”

Twilight was intrigued by the prospect of a personally-tailored getaway... until she opened the pamphlet. Framed in an oversized and (this had always bothered her) anatomically incorrect image of a heart was a little log cabin which, by the look of things, was out in the middle of nowhere. “This is... huh.”

“Right up your alley, right?” asked Sunny, a gleam of naked anticipation in his eyes. "A week-long couples retreat to a little cabin in the woods of Mane. No civilization for miles in any direction, just you and your special somepony roughing it and enjoying one another’s company.”

Twilight reflected for a moment on the many, many comforts of civilization that she rather enjoyed, thank you very much, then passed the pamphlet back. “Well, I don’t think it’s for me. Thanks anyway, though.” She turned to leave, but one niggling little detail made her turn back. “Sorry, I’m just curious, what exactly made you think this was the perfect package for me?”

Sunny discovered a point down on the ground that was endlessly fascinating, if the way he wouldn’t look up at Twilight was anything to go by. “Well, I saw that update saying that you and Rainbow Dash were in a relationship...”

Twilight’s hoof met her face, and a box with Rainbow’s profile appeared where they could both see it. “It says here she’s ‘In a Relationship’ with over two hundred different ponies. That wasn’t a red flag?”

“Hey, it’s not my place to judge what the two hundred of you do behind closed doors.”

“We don’t.... ugh!” Seeing that there was nothing to be gained arguing that point, Twilight chose instead to move on. “Why the woods, though? I went camping with my father and brother once, and I hated it.”

Oh, that,” said Sunny. “Our algorithms saw that you’d recently been looking at sticks, so we made an educated guess that a forest might be something you’d interested in too.”

Twilight gaped as she processed that. “But I never ‘Liked’ or ‘Friended’ the stick. You guys are saying you know what I’m looking at even if I don’t click anything?”

“Well sure, I thought everypony knew-”

“Out! Get out!” bellowed Twilight, sweeping a hoof to the side and pointing dramatically in a random direction.

“...But we’re already outside...”

“Don’t make me repeat myself!” ordered Twilight, her horn acquiring an ominous, cracking glow.

“Okay! I’m sorry, geeze,” said Sunny, and he stumbled over his own hooves trying to get away from the enraged unicorn.

Once he was gone, Twilight turned to Spike who had been happily munching on the discarded core of Twilight’s apple. “Did you hear that, Spike? I knew there was something wrong with all of this! We have to stop them or else... or else...”

“Ponies might see things that they actually want to buy?” suggested Spike. She was almost sixty percent sure it wasn’t sarcasm.

“Precisely! But... oh...” Twilight cast her gaze around at all the ponies immersed in their own little worlds of message boxes and windows, the sound of notification chimes filling the town square. “I don’t know how we’re going to reach everypony in time!”

Spike rolled his eyes. “Gosh. If only there were some kind of social media network that all the ponies in town were using. Alas. Woe is us.”

Twilight gasped as an epiphany struck her. “Wait a second, Spike! That’s exactly what Facebook is!”

“Yeah, that was kind of the point I was-”

“There’s no time!” interrupted Twilight. “We have to get word out right away, but retyping the same message to each of my friends will take too long. I need to broadcast my thoughts to absolutely everypony at once. It looks like we’re going to have to use... Twitter!”

Spike arched a single eyebrow ever so slightly. “I’m surprised you even know what that is.”

“Well,” said Twilight, a great deal less enthusiastically than a moment before, “I mean, I know of it. How hard could it be?” Spike absentmindedly picked at the grass while Twilight fiddled with the Facebook interface, muttering to herself all the while. Five minutes stretched into ten, then twenty, and Spike gradually abandoned the idea of a timely lunch. Another chime.

Spike has updated his status to ‘Sooooooo Booooooooored!’

“Quiet, Spike, this is important. The fate of Equestria depends on us revealing the truth to everypony.” A new window with a blinking cursor popped up, and Twilight’s eyes brightened. “I think I’ve got it! Okay, now what should I say... hmmm...” She pondered the question for a few more minutes, then nodded to herself as she settled on a thorough and comprehensive argument that would surely persuade everypony. Her horn glowed and words began to appear:

To whom it may concern, it has recently been brought to my attention that the social media site commonly known as Facebook, while surely a fun and useful bit of magic, may

Twilight frowned, and her magic glowed brighter. “Spike, something’s wrong. It won’t let me enter any more words.”

“You do know that you can only send tweets up to 140 characters long, right?”

Twilight gaped at him. “But how am I supposed to have an intelligent, comprehensive exchange of ideas with my friends and peers with so little space to work with?”

“...Twilight, I’m not really sure whether you and Twitter are going to be the greatest fit for one another.”

Twilight was taken aback by the very idea. “What? Of course we will! For lots of reasons.”

“Oh yeah?” asked Spike. “Name one.”

“Well, obviously there’s... um...” She trailed off, wilting under Spikes skeptical gaze. “...both of our names start with ‘Twi?’”

Spike weighed his options, but he knew a lost cause when he saw one. “I’m going to head back home and start on my chores. Come back soon, alright?”

“Uh huh. Milk and eggs. Got it,” said Twilight. Her attention had turned back to composing a new message, and Spike knew that no power short of some major natural disaster could shake her concentration now. Probably one she caused herself. “I’m sure it’ll only take a few more messages to convince everypony.”

@TwilightSparkle
not be quite as innocent as it seems. Just think about it: It advertises itself as a free service but they have to be making money somehow don’t they? I really don’t think

@20PercentCooler
Ha ha, @TwilightSparkle just admitted she doesn’t think! #EggheadProblems

@SugarRush
Omigosh she did! MayB her brain finally overheated. That happens 2 me sometimes when I do math 2 close 2 the oven #ReallyItsASeriousProblemForBakers

@TwilightSparkle
@20PercentCooler Obviously I engage in cognition. @SugarRush if you’re going ‘2’ abbreviate be consistent in which form of to/too you’re replacing. As I was saying

@DiamondInTheRough
@TwilightSparkle What could you possibly have against Facebook, dear? I find it positively invaluable for marketing to clients #BuyCarouselBoutique

@QuietButterfly
@TwilightSparkle Well, um....

@QuietButterfly
@TwilightSparkle Nevermind #Meep

@TwilightSparkle
@DiamondInTheRough Trying to elaborate but I keep running out of space. This character limit really restricts my ability to express myself. Anyway, as I was saying

@QuietButterfly
@TwilightSparkle I’ve never noticed

@20PercentCooler
@QuietButterfly Because you only tweet like 3 words at a time #LotsOfControlScreamingAndHolleringPassion

@QuietButterfly
@20PercentCooler Oh, sorry #Sorry

@DiamondInTheRough
@QuietButterfly There's no need to apologize, dear.

@QuietButterfly
@DiamondInTheRough There isn’t? I’m sorry #Sorry

@TwilightSparkle
@QuietButterfly @20PercentCooler @DiamondInTheRough I’m just not entirely comfortable with the amount of data they collect and store about users. In theory, they

@SugarRush
@TwilightSparkle They what? What could they do? We have to know! Do we need to Elements them? Huh? Do we? #SuspenseIsLiterallyKillingMe

@TwilightSparkle
If you girls will stop interrupting me so I can finish then you’ll know! And @SugarRush, I seriously doubt the suspense is literally killing you. Anyway, my point is

@20PercentCooler
Hey! Let’s see if we can get #EggheadProblems trending.

@TwilightSparkle
You know what? I think this might be one for the Princesses.

@DeathToPears
@20PercentCooler @DiamondInTheRough @QuietButterfly @SugarRush Any idea why Twi just started screaming in the middle of the market and pulling out her mane?

@SugarRush
@DeathToPears @20PercentCooler Ooh! Maybe she accidentally bought a 12-pack of bookmarks when she meant to get 24! #EggheadProblems

@20PercentCooler
@SugarRush Nice! #Burn #SickBurn #ListOfBurnCentersInEquestria #EggheadProblems

“Princess Celestia!” Twilight dramatically threw the door to the throne room open as she called out for her mentor and last hope. She’d spent the entire train ride composing her thoughts and going through several sheets of parchment drafting the perfect warning speech. Then she’d memorized it and recited it several dozen times for her own benefit, not to mention that of several less-than-appreciative passengers she’d shared the train car with. She was, in a word, prepared.

But she walked into the great hall and her words died in her throat.

“Yes, my faithful student?” asked Celestia, regal as ever perched up on her dais. With one minor difference.

Twilight blinked several times, hoping against hope that she’d just developed some unusual and highly specific vision problem. Alas, the scene before her didn’t change. “Um, Princess, not that it’s any of my business, but about your throne...”

Celestia glanced down at her seat, then back at Twilight. “What about it?”

The nonchalance of the princess’ reply seeped Twilight’s confidence even further. “It’s just... has it always been a giant pile of money?”

Looking down at the mountain of bit coins she was resting her flank on, Celestia paused to consider the question for a moment. “No. That’s a relatively recent development. It’s a bit gaudy, I’ll admit, but with the treasury overflowing there wasn’t really any good place to put it. So I figured, ‘Why not?’ It’s much more comfortable than I would have expected, all things considered. Anyway, what can I do for you today?”

Despite a sudden deficit in confidence, Twilight plunged ahead. “Things in Ponyville have just been a little strange today.”

“That’s probably because we sold it.”

“You sold it? The entire town?” asked Twilight.

“Oh yes, the buyer offered an excellent price.”

“But... but...” How could this be happening? Twilight staggered back a few steps, her hooves sinking into the deep and opulent carpet leading up to the throne. “Why Ponyville, of all places?”

“You know, I’m not entirely sure myself. He seemed rather insistent that it be somewhere with a name that ended in ‘-ville’ for some reason. Otherwise I’d have much rather sold him Stalliongrad. I mean, have you ever been there in the wintertime?” Celestia shuddered. “But Ponyville it was, despite Luna’s objections.”

The last dying ember of hope in Twilight’s chest flared to life once more. “So Luna didn’t sign onto the deal?”

“She felt that the value of the site of her return to Equestria and subsequent redemption couldn't be matched by any number of bits, no matter how outlandish.” A small grin tugged at the corners of Celestia’s mouth. “If nothing else, I admire that she would so fervently value the bonds of friendship she forged with the six of you. Truly, a great treasure. Perhaps the greatest.”

“But then how come Facebook suddenly appeared anyway if she didn’t agree to the offer?”

Celestia shook her head. “You misunderstand. Princess Luna was a party to the agreement, and did agree. She just needed an additional incentive.”

Twilight’s mind raced to keep up with the events unfolding around her, to little success. “What treasure could be so amazing that she’d agree to part with such a special place?”

“Sister!” Called out a new, if familiar, voice from the hallway. “You simply must try this!” Sure enough, Princess Luna appeared in the doorway, panting for breath. Once she skidded to a stop, Twilight noticed the odd and angular device covering her face. “The sale of Ponyville was a most excellent bargain! Truly, the claim that this device would allow us to see into and explore other worlds was no falsehood.” Her horn glowed and magic gripped the device, raising it from her face. Luna’s broad smile slipped as she spotted Twilight standing there, watching her with a cold and level gaze.

“Luna.”

“Twilight Sparkle.” Silence descended over the great hall as the Element of Magic and the Princess of the Night stared one another down. Neither relented for several minutes, until Luna’s composure finally cracked. “I suppose you are owed an apology, and a debt. Name a boon I may grant you as consolation for our transgressions.”

Twilight considered the possibilities, and the extent of the Princesses’ powers. It could truly be said that the power to reshape the universe was within her hooves at that moment. “Can I have a turn with that?”

Luna and Celestia shared a glance. “Alas, by the ancient pact of Ahk’Thelok, sealed by the ritual of Kor’Gezzak, my sister hath called ‘The Dibs.’” Her expression brightened. “But first, I’m going to ride the roller coaster again!” The device slipped back over Luna’s face, and she dashed back into the hallway once again.

Her last hope for the salvation of Ponyville cruelly yanked away, Twilight felt tears start to slip from the corners of her eyes. Would anything ever be the same again?

Well, at least one thing would. Twilight wasn’t sure when Celestia had descended from her dais to meet her, but she looked up as she felt a great wing wrap her up in a comforting hug. “Is there anything we can do, Princess? Are all my friends going to have to be Facebook’s customers forever?”

She felt a gentle nuzzle against her cheek. “Oh Twilight, of course not! You don’t have to be their customers at all.”

“We... we don’t?”

“No. You have to be their product. Completely different.”

Something, in Twilight Sparkle’s professional estimation, was wrong. And it wasn’t going to get better anytime soon.